


Until It Sleeps

by frickss75



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Artist Bucky Barnes, Bottom Bucky Barnes, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Has Issues, Bucky Barnes Has Nightmares, Bucky Barnes Has PTSD, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Bucky Barnes Remembers, Bucky Barnes gets a cat, Canon Related, Comfort/Angst, Dorks in Love, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Sex, Eventual Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, Hurt Bucky Barnes, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, M/M, Marvel Universe, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Non-Canon Relationship, Past Abuse, Past Torture, Photographer Steve Rogers, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Steve Rogers, Relationship Issues, Relationship Study, Romantic Fluff, Rough Sex, Sam Wilson Is a Good Bro, Steve Rogers Feels, Suicide Attempt, Tony Stark Is a Good Bro, Top Steve Rogers, Work In Progress, dangerous sleep issue, wanda maximoff is a good sister
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-01
Updated: 2019-10-09
Packaged: 2019-10-20 16:20:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 38
Words: 407,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17625677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/frickss75/pseuds/frickss75
Summary: Steve finally has Bucky back in Brooklyn with him, but he is finding out that his issues are deeper than he thought. His PTSD manifestsin many ways, including some very bizarre sleep behavoir. And Bucky is fighting internally with constantly returning memories and some deep seated fears about himself. Steve loves Bucky no matter what and is determined to prove it to him however he can.I do apologize for any grammatical errors, I do occasionally miss words for some bissare reasons lol. and I do like to talk so my notes could be long.Am also on Tumblr under the same username as here if interested :)





	1. Trust Issues

**Author's Note:**

> Well this is my first Stucky peeps and I hope I do well with it :)
> 
> It will kick off pretty much right away because I don't always believe in buildup and waiting so they will get right to it.  
> Warnings will be place per chapter because certain chapters contain certain things that can be trigger issues for some so I will make sure to post them at the beginning of every one if neccessary and will place notes at the end too. 
> 
> Bucky has some issues with a few things in this chaapter which will be explained further. More notes at the end.
> 
> This chapter will be relatively short compared to some of the others, it's just a starting point.

You gonna wear that?”

Bucky seemed to stare at him at him incredulously. And maybe even a little frightened Steve thought. He had surprised him by saying it, hell he’d surprised himself a bit. But the time had come to say something.

“It was never a problem before.” Bucky asked, standing by the bed as if unsure now. “Why the hell is it a problem now?”

He always kept his shirt on, no matter what. Never took it off. Any attempts on Steve’s part to remove it resulted in angry resistance. Steve did not understand this considering their physical relationship had resumed, but it was a weird proclivity. And it wasn’t the only one either.

Bucky had issues with quite a few things it seemed. It made Steve wonder exactly what they’d done to him. He knew it was bad. But he could never get him to talk about it. Any attempts resulted in shut down mode. It was confusing and upsetting to put it mildly.

“I would just think you’d be more comfortable that’s all.”

“It’s just the way its gotta be. “Bucky replied with a sharpness in his voice. “You still get to fuck me so don’t worry about what I’m wearing. When you do.”

Steve did his best to pretend that didn’ t hurt a little. He knew he was doing it to hurt him, that it was a defense mechanism for whatever he was hiding but it stung just the same. “Is that all you think this is Buck?” He asked, getting up off the bed. “You know better than that.”

Bucky looked immediately sorry, suddenly unable to look at Steve. “I’m sorry.”

He walked over to where Bucky was and put his arms around him from behind. Slowly, carefully. He could feel him stiffen a little a little as he nuzzled his neck softly, moving his hair out of the way a little. He seemed to be staring off into nothing, something he seemed to do a lot, leaving his hands at his side.

“I just want you to trust me Buck.” He whispered in his ear. “That’s all.”

Bucky seemed to take a heavy breath. “I do trust you.”

“No, you don’t.” He replied. “Not completely.”

Steve knew it was true and so did Bucky. After he’d gotten home from the hospital it had taken a lot just to get him to come near him. To let Steve touch him at all. That had taken time. And once they’d started back up on the physical side, it still seemed like Bucky was still keeping his distance emotionally. Wanting it a certain way. Never fully undressed, always from behind. There were certain parts of his body he would not allow Steve touch either. And he never wanted to stay in the bed the bed after. Refusing to sleep there.

The trust issues were severe, and it was stressful sometimes to sort them out. And this was the first time he’d brought it for discussion in quite a while.

“You’re safe.” He said softly, nuzzling his neck again. “You know that right?”

“I know.” Bucky replied just as softly, leaning into him somewhat unconsciously. As if a part of him was craving the contact while the other was resisting. “It’s just gotta be like this right now..”

Steve nodded against his shoulder and lifted one of his arms to turn Bucky’s face to his, kissing him softly. He didn’t put up much of resistance to it, letting his flesh hand cover Steve’s other hand, entwining their fingers together. The other arm remained at his side, he was still a little afraid to touch him with it seemed. Another issue.

“I love you Buck.’ He whispered against his lips. “I’ll take you whatever way I can get you.’

He wasn’t expecting a response and didn’t get one. Ever since he’d found him in Romainia, Bucky had kept his emotions very close to him. Protecting himself. It had been a year or so but he was still like that. Steve knew they’d messed him pretty well to the point where he didn’t always trust people’s intentions. Even Steve’s. It was tough to keep his patience with it, but he did, trying to slowly build back the trust they’d always shared.

“Steve?” He finally replied, his voice quiet, leaning against him a little more. “I’m sorry I’m like this.”

“It’s okay.” He told him, pressing his lips into his shoulder. “You’re here.. that’s all that matters.”

–

They tried something a little different tonight. Not radically, but different.

Bucky sat back against Steve, his legs on either side of his, back against Steve’s chest, feeling his lips on his neck. His body trembled softly at this, his breathing ragged. He could feel Steve’s hands sliding softly over the shirt he still wore, still insisted on wearing, and down over his bare hips, steering clear of the danger zones.

They hadn’t engaged quite yet but they were close. Right now, Steve seemed to be establishing a little more trust. Getting him comfortable with being this close, with full body contact rather than only a couple of points.

“You sure you don’t want to take it off?” He asked him, his breath tickling Bucky’s ear causing him to shiver. “Might be easier.”

Bucky still had a thing about being completely naked. Especially when it came to his arm. The shoulder was another no touch zone and the shirt ensured that. At least for now. A part of him did want to take it off but.. he was still afraid. Still ashamed. Not that he could admit that just yet.

“Not yet.” He responded, his voice breathy. “I can’t.”

“Okay.”

Steve’s hands on his thighs, kneading them softly, felt literally like fire on his skin and he moaned softly, leaning back a little more against him, grinding his hips against Steve’s wantingly. “Can we?” He asked, his voice hitching a bit. “Please..”

“Not yet.” Steve said softly, nipping at his neck. “Just relax.”

Being this close for this long was still rough for him. Getting used to non-painful contact, even if it was from Steve was extremely difficult. And the feelings it engendered, were threatening to chisel away at the fortress he’d built to protect himself from harm. Mixed with that was the need he felt, the desire. It made him a little impatient.

“I want you.” He growled a little, his fingers digging into Steve’s knees almost like claws., grinding a little a little more. “Now.”

“I know you do.” Steve’s voice spoke, right into his ear, sending another shiver though him. “Soon.” He slid his hands over his hips softly. “But first..”

He felt Steve wrap an arm around his waist and lay him face down on the bed. Bucky moaned with anticipation, his legs sliding apart almost on their own. He felt Steve’s hands sliding over his back, careful not to go too far under his shirt and then back down over his hips and thighs. He squirmed a little and felt Steve’s body press down on back for a moment, felt his hot breath in his ear as he spoke.

“Relax.” It said, before he slid down and kissed the skin under the hem of Bucky’s shirt. He actually shivered.

Using his hands, he slowly massaged his hips and ass and Bucky moaned into the pillow. He then put his lips where his had been and his moans got louder. It felt so… delicious. He’d forgotten how good this felt, because it had been so damn long since he’d done it. Since Bucky had allowed it.

Back during the war. Before it… really got bad.

Bucky felt Steve’s hands open him up and his fingers softly slide into him and he actually whimpered at this. First one, then two, scissoring inside, and pressing tender spots. Bucky’s hands gripped the pillow in front of him spasmodically.

“Steve..” He moaned. “I…I..”

“Sssh..” Steve replied softly, trailing the fingers of his other hand down his spine. “Just relax baby..”

Hearing him use that word filled Bucky will all kinds of feeling. Things he was still trying to contain. Remembering sweet nights in Brooklyn, and even during the war when it was still a little simpler. When the world hadn’t completely broken him yet.

Soon he replaced his fingers with his lips and tongue and Bucky gave a sharp yelp at this, unable to contain himself, feeling that talented tongue of his do things that hadn’t been done to him in decades. He writhed under the assault to his senses, feeling Steve’s hands kneading his hips and thighs as he feasted on him.

Bucky was so lost in it he was unaware that not only had his hips been lifted off the bed, but that his shirt was practically around his neck.

“Fuck..” He moaned, his face still buried in the pillow. “Steve..”

The pleasure so intense, he could feel it everywhere. From his fingers to his toes. Wanting to grab himself and just let it all go, just for some relief. But even in this state he knew that would do no good. They’d seen to that.

That was something he couldn’t tell Steve. Something he couldn’t even bring himself to think of. So, he didn’t. He just lost himself in the pleasure he could experience, because there was noting with him there.

His whole body shuddered, fluttering around Steve’s tongue and he moaned so deeply and thickly. He felt his body collapse to the bed momentarily as Steve let him catch his breath, still rubbing him softly with his hands as he laid his body on top of Bucky’s, nuzzling the back of his neck.

“How do that feel?” He asked, his breath once again tickling his ear.

Bucky smiled, turning his slightly to Steve. “Good..” He sighed, it was the only word he could think of. “So…good..”

Steve wrapped his hand around Bucky’s neck, and in this state he barely notice, and turned his head to him a little more and kissed him deeply, his body sliding deliciously over Bucky’s back. He moaned softly into the kiss at the feel of this, his body already feeling like a sensitive live wire, every touch creating sparks.

Steve wrapped his other arm around Bucky’s waist and pulled him up against him again, barely breaking the kiss to do it. “You want more?” He asked him, his lips sliding over Bucky’s sensually before going to his neck again.

“Yes..” He moaned, his hands grabbing at Steve, needing him now. “Please..”

He could hear the beg in his own voice and had flashes of begging for other things. Which hurt too much and he tried turned his mind away from it. Because this was different. So much different than that. He wanted this. He wanted to forget about that. To keep getting lost in the feelings that were starting re-grow inside him every day he was with Steve.

Bucky Steve’s hands grip his hips a little tighter and maneuver him. He had expected to be put on is knees but instead he was simply leaned forward a little and he felt him slide inside, moaning thickly at the delicious sting that always accompanied this. He was held like that for a moment. A pause in which his eyes rolled to the ceiling for a moment, seeing the fan spinning above him in a hypnotizing way.

And then he was pulled back against Steve’s chest and they started moving. Steve wrapped his hand around Bucky’s forehead and the other around his waist and used his powerful to thrust up into him, his legs being spread further apart.

Steve’s lips were on his neck, biting down and low, throaty moans escaped Bucky’s open mouth, his eyes fluttering at every beautiful upward stroke.

Love and pleasure rising to push everything else away and he was lost in it.

–

Bucky had located his pants and had put them back on relatively quickly. That was not unusual. He for some reason would not allow himself stay in any stage of nakedness for very long, even after sex. He had been like that since he was back, and Steve didn’t question it. Not yet. But it troubled him.

What was unusual was, that this time he crawled back into the bed after. Usually he left the room. He laid there, not touching Steve yet, just resting with his right arm under his head, looking at Steve. It was different behavior, promising behavior and Steve was not going to push it. If he wanted to get closer, he would.

“Maybe I should… stay here.” He mused, tapping his fingers on sheet almost shyly. “It’s warmer in here.” He smiled a little. “With you.”

Steve carefully reached his hand over and put it on Bucky’s. “You can you know” He suggested. “If you want to.”

He looked fidgety, nervous. His eyes met Steve’s and he was eerily reminded of when he’d found him in Romainia. That look that if you moved too fast, he might bolt. It hurt him to see it. He had made some progress in Wakonda but once they’d come back from there, there was the hearings. And the hospital. And he’d withdrawn again. Turned inward. Back that frightened animal again.

“You’re safe here Buck.” He said softly, still letting his hand rest on his gently. “This is your home now.”

He nodded and looked down at their hands together. He hadn’t shirked away from it and that was good. “I’m sorry I’m just..” He pushed out but couldn’t finish.

“I understand.” He told him reassuringly. “It’s okay.”

Bucky did something unexpected then. He moved closer to Steve, close enough to touch and turned around, curling up a bit. Steve pulled a little closer behind him, being careful not to touch him just yet. It seemed strange to be like that after what they had done not long ago but this was the intimate part. That stuff that was actually a lot more difficult.

He seemed cold, even though the blanket was over him and he seem to cautiously back closer to Steve, their bodies almost touching now. He wanted to put his arm around him, but he had to be sure it was, in fact okay to do.

“Can I?”

He knew Bucky knew what he was asking, and he wanted for an answer. Bucky seemed to think about it before answering. “Yeah.” He whispered. “It’s okay.”

Steve carefully slid his arm around Bucky’s waist, feeling him stiffen just a little at first and then relax into it. He could feel his warm skin through his shirt as he let his hand rest on his stomach. He didn’t pull any closer, just lay just like that. Anything else was up to Bucky.

“You comfortable?” He whispered to him.

“Yeah.” He replied, taking a deep breath. “This is nice.”

And just then Bucky backed a little more into him and Steve’s face was in his hair, and his chest was against his back. And he was literally holding him now. Spooning. He smiled a little thinking now this was very good. He let his arm tighten a little around Bucky’s waist and he didn’t seem to mind.

“This is even better.” He heard Bucky whisper, a little sleepily. “Warmer.”

“Yeah.” Steve spoke in his hair. “It is.”

Steve nuzzled his neck softly and Bucky seemed okay with this too, wrapping his own fingers around Steve’s and tucking his feet in between his. And Steve felt him relaxing. Seeming to start to drift off in his arms.

Sighing softly, Steve lay there and held him close, just happy to have him there. To have this small victory. No guarantees it would last, but he let himself relish the moment. To take it in.

“I love you Buck.” He whispered into his hair, not sure if he could hear him or not, but it didn’t matter. He just needed to say it. Steve buried his face against him and let himself fall asleep just like that.

And when Bucky shook and whimpered in his sleep, Steve woke and just held him tighter until he calmed. Fortuantly tonight it was only the nightmares. As terrible as they were, worse things happened in this sleep sometimes. Things he didn't he didn't tell him about. Because if he knew. He wouldn't sleep at all. But tonight it was manageable. Whispering in his ear, reminding him he was safe now. And he didn’t leave this time. Stayed right there in his arms until morning.

–

Waking up that morning, the requisite nightmare cutting his sleep short, he found himself still nestled tightly in Steve’s arms. He felt an urge to get up, to disentangle himself and take off but he fought it. Instead he chose to stay right there, with Steve’s arms tightly around him from behind.

This was after all, a safe place. A place he didn’t want to leave.

He could feel the rise and fall of Steve’s respiration against his back and was reminded of just how healthy he was now. How strong. He remembered the times, early on, when Steve couldn’t breath right and being scared that one day he’d just stop. It seemed so long ago. A lifetime really. But here they were again.

Only this time, it was Steve holding and protecting him. Sheltering him from the things that could hurt him. Stopping him from hurting himself.

Bucky felt so much love for him it actually hurt. Causing him to nuzzle his face against the arm that was now under his head. It had gotten there somehow in the night.

“Hey.” He heard him say, his voice groggy. “You stayed.”

Bucky nodded, rubbing his face against that same arm like a contented cat. “I guess I did.”

He felt Steve nuzzled the back of his neck softly, his fingers playing in his hair. “I’m glad you did.”

“Yeah.” He replied, smiling as he pulled Steve’s arm around him a little more. “So am I.”

He couldn’t guarantee if it was a permanent thing or not. Some days he felt stronger than others, and the urge to run was always just under the surface. Like all the horrors in his head, new ones bursting forth every day, causing fear and self-loathing. But for today at least, he had no plans to run away.

“No matter what.. I’d still love you.” Steve whispered into his hair. “I always will.”

Bucky squeezed his eyes shut, feeling intense emotion at that statement. He felt so undeserving of that. After all the terrible things he’d done. He knew in some way he wasn’t responsible but that didn’t stop the guilt from ravaging him just the same. He slowly turned himself around his arms and looked in his eyes, unable to hide how he felt.

“I don’t deserve you.” He said quietly. “I really don’t.”

Steve put his hand on his face. The touch was soft Bucky closed his eyes at the feel of it. “Yes you do.” He said firmly. “And if I have to spend the rest of my life proving that to you I will.” He smiled at him. “You know how I am.”

“Yeah.” He replied, smiling himself. “You’re one stubborn punk.”

Steve laughed and pulled his face to his and kissed him. “A stubborn punk that loves you..” He chuckled as he kissed him. “So you’re stuck with me.”

Bucky let him kiss him, seemingly needing it again. It felt good to do this. To just stay in his arms in this bed. He missed it so much. His fear had gotten in the way. Fear of being close. Of letting himself feel anything. Of getting hurt. Even though he knew deep down Steve would never hurt him, it seemed like the only hands that touched him for so long hadn’t been gentle or kind. And it was hard to differentiate the good touches from the bad lately because he hadn’t a lot to compare it with.

The hospital hadn’t helped with that. Blurring the lines of helping and hurting further and it was… just difficult.

And the nightmares, the fear that he could hurt him in his sleep was real too.

But.. this felt good. Safe. He wanted more of it.

“Then I’m stuck.” Bucky whispered softly, letting Steve’s hands touch him softly and intimately.

Whenever they came close to something he clearly didn’t want, they backed off and went somewhere else. He wasn’t going to push him, and he loved him for that.

He dug his fingers softly into Steve’s blonde hair, their lips coming together again. “Steve..” He whispered against his lips, wanting him again. Wanting that closeness.

He needed it now like air. He had missed it for so long.

So he just laid there and let himself be kissed and touched for what seemed like a very long time.

–

Steve lay there smiling a little, feeling Bucky’s body partially draped over his. Interestingly it was his left arm that he had laying across his chest and Steve still marveled at how it didn’t feel cold at all. The vibrainium felt surprisingly warm compared to most metals. He could feel the fingers of it moving lightly across his skin and sort ran his hand over the arm lightly as they lay there. Up and over the sleeve of the shirt he still insisted on wearing, and then back down again.

Bucky’s head was on his shoulder and Steve let his other hand sort of play in his hair. It was nice just to lay here for once. And even better that Bucky had elected to stay put as well and allow all of this. It was progress.

“I’m sorry.” He heard Bucky say, the words slightly muffled against his chest.

“For what?”

“Been kind of an ass lately.”

Steve smiled and brushed his lips over his forehead. “Your forgiven.”

“And you’re too good.” He replied, sighing a little. “Cause I’ve been a giant ass lately.”

“You’re in pain Buck.” He said softly. “I get it trust me.”

“That’s hardly an excuse Steve.” Bucky said quietly, nuzzling his chest. “You deserve better than that.”

He looked down at Bucky, meeting his eyes and just simply answered. “So did you.”

He watched as Bucky lowered his head again, closing his eyes and softly nuzzled his skin a little more. From this angle he could see the scar tissue around his arm peeking out from under the collar of his shirt, left over from the old surgeries from the previous arm. They gave the look of crudely and carelessly done work. Work that had taken no care to ease any suffering at all. Just made to destroy. He let his fingers trail over his shoulder softly and felt Bucky shift a little in his arms, his foot nestling between Steve’s, like a subconscious need for comfort and closeness.

“It dosen’t hurt you know.” He heard him say against his chest. “Not like it used to.”

“I’m sorry Buck.”

“For what?” He asked. “You didn’t do it.”

“I’m just.. sorry you had to go through that.. that’s all.”

Steve looked down and could see his open eyes, staring out into nothing really. The pain in them was hard to miss, as much as he always tried to hide it. “It is what it is.” He said tiredly. “It dosen’t matter.”

He always wanted to dismiss it like it wasn’t a big deal. He knew that there was so much pain in Bucky that he simply couldn’t let himself feel all of it or it would break him completely. So he played it off in an effort to prevent that. But let himself mire in the guilt. Steve didn’t really think that was a fair trade, but he couldn’t tell him how to handle it he knew. He just had to love through it as best he could.

“It’s okay to admit it hurts Buck.” He said softly to him, his fingers running through his hair. “You don’t have to pretend it dosen’t.”

He felt Bucky nuzzled his shoulder and then bury his face in it. “I don’t want to talk about it.” He whispered against his skin. “Can I just..”

He didn’t finish but Steve knew what he meant. He turned slightly onto his side and pulled him into his arms a little more, wrapping him up warmly. “We can do whatever you want okay?” He said, kissing the top of his head. “You don’t have to talk at all.”

He felt Bucky’s arm tighten around him and both his feet were now tucked in between Steve’s. There was no reason to go anywhere or do anything today. He’d even turned his phone off. Today was just about being together. About comfort. Nothing at that moment was more important this to time.

“Good..” He heard Bucky say, feeling his lips press into his chest softly. “Talk is cheap.”

Bucky’s metal fingers trailed up and down over Steve’s waist and hip as he kept his lips pressed to his skin, almost right over his heart. He seemed to keep himself right there as if drawing strength from his body. And as far Steve was concerned, he could take all he wanted there. He continued to run his fingers through his hair as they just lay there.

“I’m just letting you know that if you want to you can.” He told him, kissing the top of his head again. “When you’re ready.”

He felt Bucky lift his head to look at him, his blue eyes showing the pain he could hear in his voice just a moment ago, letting him see it. Steve brushed some hair from his face and leaned his forehead against his. It felt like such a deeply intimate moment that he almost didn’t want to end. He saw his lip tremble slightly and then he bit it like he always did.

“Dammit Rogers.” Bucky said with a shaky voice “Why do you always do this to me?”

“Do what?”

Bucky didn’t answer at first, just skated his lips over Steve’s. His body seemed to slide a little more onto him. “Making me love you more.” He whispered against his lips. “If that’s possible.”

Steve pulled him onto him completely, letting one hand slide under his hair as it turned into a full blown kiss. His other hand pressed into the center of Bucky’s back, holding him to him. The innate desire to be close, to connect again was rising in him and realized it was essentially because they were still catching up. They’d had 70 years taken from them and they were definitely making up for it lately.

He felt Bucky’s legs slide over either side of him. Their tongues entwined and Bucky’s hands were sliding over his waist hungrily, but tentatively at the same time. This was something he was still a little afraid of. Being on top. Being in control of it. They used to switch up occasionally back in the day but not now. He was still scared of himself. And there was something else as well. Doubt.

Their lips parted for a moment and they looked into each other’s eyes, the moment paused. “Steve..” He said, looking down at him. “I..I.”

“What Buck?” He asked softly, sliding his hands up his back. “Tell me..”

Bucky bit his lips. “I can’t.” 

Steve ran put his hand on Bucky’s face, looking in his eyes. “Yes you can..” He said softly. “Just tell me.”

He looked down for a moment, his hands resting on Steve’s shoulders., conflict clearly visible within him. He could see the desire mixed with the fear and knew he had to let him to come it on his own. He could give him permission, but the decision had to be his.

“No I mean.. I can’t.” He said quietly, his fingers trailing up and down in a maddening way that made Steve impatient, but he didn’t show it. “I can’t do this.”

“Why not?” He told him, sliding his hand over Bucky’s back soothingly. “Tell me.” He leaned and kissed him softly again. “It’s okay.”

Bucky sat up a little more on his knees looking down at Steve and he could see from his eyes he was terrified. But doing his best to hide it. God what did they do to him? It was hurting him thinking about it.

“I can’t.” He said, his voice breaking as he sat there. “I just… can’t.”

Steve immediately sat up and put his hands on Bucky’s face. “Its okay.” He said softly, looking in his eyes. “We don’t have to.”

He saw Bucky lower his head and he pulled him into his arms, sitting there with his legs on either of him. Bucky buried his face in his shoulder, wrapping his arms tightly. Steve cradled his head with the hand and just held him.

“I’m sorry.” He heard him whisper into his shoulder.

“Don’t be.” He replied into his hair. “I understand.”

There were things. Issues. Certain things were okay and certain things weren’t. Sometimes it was confusing trying to figure it out. To walk among the landmines that seemed to be all over the place with him. That had hurt him in so many ways and they both just really beginning to sort it out.

Once again, patience was key.

“Just know I love you.” He said to him as he held him. “No matter what.”

Bucky nodded and nuzzled his face even more into his neck and stayed quiet, letting the demons settle for a little bit. “Well I still think your kind of stupid Rogers.” He said with a little laugh after a bit.

Steve chuckled a little himself. “Maybe I am.” He said and added. “You should know being an expert on it and all.”

He saw Bucky smile out of the corner of his eye and that was nice to see too. He wanted him to smile more. Wanted to make him feel safe enough to do it again.

“You’re such a punk.” He heard him say against his neck.

Steve smiled and rubbed his back a little, just content to sit there with him for a while. He had no plans anyways.


	2. Flashbacks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter doe contain some flashbacks, one of which happens quite suddenly for him in the moment. It also features Skype and phone cameos from Sam Wilson and Tony Stark as well, characters who will appear again periodically. Some of Bucky's are a bit brutal in this just to let you know. And the smut is a bit lighter to emphasize Bucky's head issues. No w worries it will return. More notes at the end of the chapter.

After a late breakfast, Bucky had gone out on the fire escape to smoke. He did that sometimes and Steve didn’t begrudge this at all. It was another coping mechanism and considering how old they both were, he wasn’t too concerned. And he needed the time alone anyways. So, Steve took Bucky’s alone time as a time to do some research. And to talk to someone who he knew could help.

“So how is he today?” Sam asked over Skype as Steve was opening an email.

“He’s okay I guess.” He said as honestly as possible. “Kind of one of those in-between days you know?”

“That happens.”

Without getting into too much detail Steve explained a little as he read a page from the attachment on Sam’s email. “We were in… the middle of something and he.. froze up a bit.” He said, keeping his voice down. “And he won’t talk so we just sort of ride it out you know?”

“You know that’s normal right?” Sam told him. “And you can’t push him. Not yet.”

“I know.” He said, seeing the smoke from Bucky’s cigarette spiraling by the window. “It’s just.. hard you sometimes.”

“You’ll get through it. You both will.” Sam reassured him. “Did you get that stuff I sent you?”

“Yes, I did thanks.” He heard the window open and knew he had to cut it short. “I gotta go.”

“NO problem.” Answered Sam. “And remember, patience.”

“Yeah., patience got it.”

“So how are you doing?”

Steve was caught off guard by the question. “I’m fine why?”

“Because it has an effect on you too.” Sam replied. “And you have your own stuff as well.”

“I’m seeing someone for that Sam.”

“Well that’s good.” Sam said and laughed. “You listened to me for once.” And then got serious again. “It’s just the added stress of dealing with him is going to take its toll eventually.”

He knew Sam was right because he felt it already. It was a huge weight and responsibility to deal with someone as extremely troubled as Bucky was. It was hard not to get frustrated and angry sometimes. Especially when someone actions made little or no sense to you.

“I’m fine Sam.” He said finally after a pause. “I really am.”

“Just making sure man.” Sam said and Steve could hear the smile in his voice. And the concern too and was touched by it. “Take care of him, but take care of yourself too.”

“I will, thanks.”

He hung up and closed the window just as Bucky came in the room, dressed in one of Steve’s sweatshirts and a pair of jeans. His hair was pulled back from his face in a ponytail, but a few loose strands always seemed to fall out. He took a moment think that, for some reason he looked beautiful, if that was the right word. His face a little flushed from cool air, his eyes a bit brighter of late. He looked at least somewhat healthy he supposed.

“Who was that?”  he asked, putting his pack down on the table.

“Sam.” Steve answered, not bothering to lie. “Just sending me some stuff.”

“About me?” Bucky asked, probably already knowing the answer. “About my shit.”

“Yeah.” He replied, looking up at him. “I just.. need a little help if that’s alright?”

Bucky seemed to study him for a moment, a strange look on his face, and then took something else out of the pocket of his hoodie and put it on the table right in front of Steve.  It was the gun he carried constantly. And he’d done this many times without explanation.  It was a bit confusing and a little scary to him because of the positioning of it.

It was always closer to Steve than it was to him.  He wasn’t even sure Bucky was aware of why he was doing it so never asked, just looked back up at him, waiting on an answer for his original question.

“It’s fine Steve.” He told him, with a half smile. “Do what you gotta do.”

He sat down next to Steve and then pulled his legs up onto the couch, and then laid down, resting his head on Steve’s leg. He was a little surprised by this but glad at the same time. It seemed like more progress. Like he was getting more comfortable with this kind of contact. He felt Bucky’s metal arm wrap around his leg and Steve place his hand on his head, letting his fingers play with his hair. He’d never pictured him as a long-haired kind of guy, but he rather liked it to be honest, it seemed to suit him these days.

“You alright?” He asked carefully, not pushing, just asking.

“Yeah.” He heard him say as he lay there. “I mean I think so.” Steve felt him take a deep breath. “About earlier..”

“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t’ want to Buck.”

“I know I should though.” He said, looking up at Steve with eyes that, at the moment were that unique shade of blue. “I just.. don’t remember.”

Steve stroked his hair, thinking of not only that, but how many times after they’d been intimate, he’d seemed to immediately want to put clothes back on. And never seemed to want to walk around the house anything less than fully dressed. He understood it wasn’t shyness. It was something else. And it bothered him because there was something familiar about this behavior.

“Did they hurt you?” He asked, trying to keep the emotion out of his voice.

Bucky eyes s darting to the ceiling. In other words, away from Steve’s. “They hurt me all the time.”

As bad as that was to hear it wasn’t what he was asking. “You know what I mean.” He replied to him. “Did they.. hurt you in other ways?”

He tensed, getting the meaning. “Not like that.” He answered a little sharply, still not looking at him.

Steve picked up on the tone in his voice. It almost sounded like a denial, not a negative. Almost like he wasn’t completely sure. Or maybe didn’t want to think about it. Didn’t want to put the pieces together.

“But they did hurt you..”

“Sometimes.” Bucky admitted, his darting around as if searching his memory.  “I remember there were times when I.. I wasn’t dressed, and they.. did things..” He seemed to hold Steve’s leg a little tighter. “But other than that.. I don’t know.”

 Or he just didn’t want to know. Steve closed his eyes, pained at the almost toneless way Bucky said this. Like he disconnected from the worst of the abuse. From all the ways they’d broken him down to get him to the right frame of mind to start manipulating him. To start really hurting him. He was hurt in all kinds of ways and that hurt Steve like hell to know this.

“Buck?” He asked softly. “When I touch you.. is it okay?”

He saw Bucky turn onto his back and look up at him. “It’s always okay. Most of it is.”  He said to him, lifting his hand up to touch Steve’s chin softly. “You don’t hurt me.” He seemed to swallow hard. “I just… remember it sometimes that’s all.. has nothing to do with you.”

Steve let a breath he didn’t realize he was holding, feeling relieved that he wasn’t hurting him any. But feeling the need to be a bit cautious as well.  And he didn’t let his mind linger on the ‘most of it’ part.  He wouldn’t push it He looked down at Bucky’s blue eyes, staring up at him, seemingly searching his face and smiled softly at him.

“I’m glad you told me that.” He told him, brushing that errant strand of hair away from his eyes.

He saw Bucky bite his lip a little in that he always did. “I want to tell you more but I just..” He said quietly. “I just… can’t..”

“I know.” Steve told him. “There’s no rush okay?”

He saw Bucky seemingly stare at him for a moment as if thinking about something and then he sat up and turned to him. He then moved his leg over Steve’s and slid into his lap, placing his hands on his face and looking down at him. Steve put his hands lightly on Bucky’s things and looked up at him.

“I’m sorry I’m such a pain in the ass.” He said softly, his face inches away from Steve’s “You deserve better than this.” His fingers stroked Steve’s face softly. “Better than me.”

“No, I don’t.” Steve corrected him, rubbing his thighs softly. “You’re the only one I want.”

He pulled him down to kiss him and their tongues met softly, slowly. Steve’s thumbs slide under Bucky’s hoodie a little and felt the warm skin underneath as their kiss deepened. Bucky sighed a little into the kiss and adjusted slightly in Steve’s lap.

“I love you..” He whispered into the kiss, wanting to tell him as often as possible. To never let it be unsaid. “There’s only you..”

He felt Bucky smiled into the kiss and they just stayed like that. Once again just content to kiss and touch each other. To just feel it for the moment.

\--

They continued to fool around on what was a pretty big couch, just kissing and touching and even laughing a little. It felt good. Normal. Like for a moment they were back in their old place before the war. Playful wresting that they’d did when they were younger.  When they were kids it had been just a competitive one-upsmenship but as they’d gotten older had become an odd sort of foreplay for them. It fun to engage in it again now and Bucky was enjoying the hell out of himself for once.

It was all going great until it. happened.

“You know what punk? You might be bigger now but..” Bucky said, laughing breathlessly and looking up at Steve, who currently had him pinned to the couch. His eyes were lively, and his face was flushed, enjoying himself immensely. “I can still take you down..”

Steve laughed and nipped at his neck a little. “That’s big talk considering where you are right now..”

Bucky raised an eyebrow as if challenged. “Sounds a bit like overconfidence Rogers.” He sassed, shitting underneath him. “You never learn.”

“You think so?”

Bucky smirked up him, a knowing glint in his eyesl. “I don’t think, I know.”

 He leaned up and kissed him, which was more of a distraction technique. Which by the way always worked and did this time too. Bucky grinned against his lips and hit the tickle spot that only he knew about, which caused Steve to yelp and loosen his grip. And the Bucky used his strong thighs to flip Steve onto his back, keeping a precarious balance on the couch, which was no easy feat considering the size of both of them.

“You always fall for that.” He told him as he pulled his lips away. “Never fails.”

“Jerk.” Steve replied, sounding annoyed even though he was grinning like an idiot.  “That’s cheating.”

“Not if you fall for it’s not.”

“Guess you caught me.”

Bucky got up on his knees grabbing collar of Steve’s shirt with his right hand. “Guess I should claim my prize then.”

And that’s when it happened.

Low flying helicopters were not uncommon in the city, but this was particularly low and at the wrong time. The vibration of the blades cutting the air cause the house to shake almost like a tremor. And Bucky, leaning over Steve, straddling him with knees, gripping him with one hand, was suddenly in a completely different place. A horrifying one.

_He looked down and there was Steve looking up him, his face bloody from being beaten. Bucky’s arm was raised in the air as if to strike again. He could feel the heat from fires as the helicarrier was tearing itself apart around them. Feel the wind in his hair, blowing around his face.  The burning smells and the vibration of carrier as it was plunging downwards._

It was so vivid. So strong. Like he was there again. And he was going to him hit again. His arm was about to do it. He was supposed to kill him. _Its our mission_ the cold voice said in his head. _Must follow orders_

_But I know him.._

_The arm moved to swing anyways. Ignoring him. Our mission._

“Buck?” He heard Steve’s voice filtering through this horrific memory.

_I’m with you til the end of the line.._

His eyes widened, comprehension coming in again. And he leaped off him, nearly tripping over the coffee table before staggering away, bending over on his hands and knees breathing in harsh gasps.

Other memories. Of beating people to death with that arm. Ones that didn’t at least have the good fortune to have a phrase to snap him out of it. Mostly they just screamed and cried. He felt himself tremble as he leaned over, trying to get himself under some kind of control.

A hand touched his back and shook it off, not wanting to be touched just yet. He felt dangerous and if he tried again, he might get hit, and that was the last thing Bucky wanted to do. He’d learned that he did that sometimes without any warning or control.

“You okay?” Concern in the voice. Worry.

“I just.. I need a minute.” He replied, closing his eyes, trying to get the images out of his head.

He stayed bent over for a bit longer, his hands on his knees before finally standing up and turning back to him. He looked sick with worry. “Did I do something?” Steve asked, carefully touching his shoulder.

“No.” He told him, running his hands nervously through his hair. “You didn’t do anything. This was all me.”

His mind he meant. Part of him knew what it was. And by Steve’s look he knew as well. He just relived something, and it had felt so real that for the moment he could remember the confusion in his own head. Bringing him back to that single moment when he was divided in two by mere words.

“It was the helicopter.” Steve said softly. “Wasn’t it?” 

“I almost killed you.” Bucky replied, his voice cracking a little. “I was going to.”

He felt Steve’s hands on his shoulders. “It’s alright Buck.” He told him, raising one of those hands to brush his hair back, and Bucky’s eyes fluttered reflexively with the touch. “It’s over. Your safe.”

“Yeah.. but are you?” He asked, looking into his eyes. “From me?”

Steve looked pained at this question. “I trust you Buck.” He said softly, leaning his head against his. “You’re not gonna hurt me.”

He bit his lip worriedly. “I’m not the one you should worry about.”

Pulling away, Bucky walked over to the couch and sat down heavily on it, his head resting on his hands, elbows on his knees. This felt so fucked up. His head was swirling with all of it again. Just when he thought he was feeling okay again this had to happen. He still felt dangerous, unpredictable. Like a bomb with a faulty timer. Waiting for just the right trigger to cause destruction again.

He felt Steve sit down next to him, not touching him yet. Waiting for him to climb out of the hole himself. He couldn’t do it for him. Bucky sat there for a few minutes, his hair hanging over his fingers, obscuring his face, trying to do just that. To clear the fiery chaos from his mind and remember where he was.

Finally, he felt strong enough to lift his head and look at Steve. “I’m sorry.” He said, with a little half smile to him. “I’m a fucking mess.”

“You gotta stop apologizing.” Steve told him, putting his hand on his shoulder and patting it lightly. “I mean you’ve always been kind of a pain in the ass.”

Bucky did a little half chuckle and half snort. “You’re such a punk Rogers.” He ribbed back and leaned into him, resting his head against his shoulder. “Don’t know why I put up with you.”

Steve pulled him more against him, laying back against the arm of the plush sofa. “Damned if I know either.” He said, chuckling a little himself.

Bucky smiled and felt himself nestle a little against Steve, his body settling between him and the back of the couch. He was feeling a little tired now. Felt like he was tired all the time these days. He moved a little bit his head coming to rest on Steve’s ample chest, which made a very good, and very warm pillow. Closing his eyes, he wrapped his arm around him and tangled his feet with his, starting to feel very relaxed as well. Calm again.  He yawned a little and this didn’t go unnoticed.

“Looks like someone needs a nap.” Steve quipped, amused.

“Get bent.” He shot back, just arguing for the sake of arguing.

“Ooh grumpy too.”

“I swear to god Rogers..”

And then Steve got serious. “You should get some sleep.”

“It feels like that’s all I do lately.”

“Maybe because you need it.” Steve said softly, his fingers playing in Bucky’s hair. “It is safe to do it you know?”

Bucky laid there thinking of that, thinking of how when he’d first gotten out, he was almost too scared to close his eyes. To let his guard down. Especially with no one to watch his back. Terrified that someone was going to come for him. And terrified of what lay in the waiting darkness in his mind. It made for a lot of insomnia.  The hospital hadn’t helped with that at all either. But now, he was starting to let himself sleep because there was someone else to keep an eye out. And he was realizing just how much sleep he’d missed.

“Well.” Bucky said finally, his voice getting a sleepy tone. “You are pretty comfortable for a superhero and all.”

Steve seemed to chuckle, and Bucky could feel it as a sort of a rumble in his chest and it lulled him more, feeling his body relax more into Steve and the couch until finally he succumbed to sleep for a little bit.

\--

Steve laid there with hand in Bucky’s hair as he slept on his chest. He was glad he was sleeping more lately., when he’d first come home, he seemed to barely sleep at all. But now he was starting to feel safer and letting himself relax and that was a very good thing.

He looked down at Bucky’s sleeping face, which was softer, almost younger looking. His hair had fanned out a little over Steve’s chest and his left arm was wrapped around him. His feet tangled up in Steve’s were sticking out from under the blanket and for Steve it felt like a perfect moment. He felt no desire to move at all and let his fingers play in Bucky’s hair in a comforting way. Just in case a nightmare came to call.

And after his brutal flashback, he could definitely use the comfort.

Speaking of calls, he reached as carefully as he could over to the coffee table to get his phone, his fingers brushing past the gun there, well within his reach. He paused for second, his mind briefly touching on why Bucky had put it there of all places. He didn’t want to think about what it meant. Because something told him it wasn’t just about safety. He simply couldn’t bring himself to ask yet.  He passed over it and grab his phone instead, turning it on to check his messages. He was unsurprised to find several from Tony. Obviously non- emergency or Sam would’ve Skyped him by now.

Tony and his problems could wait for now. This was how he wanted to spend the day.

He felt Bucky shift slightly and murmur a little and Steve put the phone down, letting his other hand rub his back comfortingly. Keeping as many points of contact as possible. He pressed his lips into his head to help calm him.

“Sssh” He whispered into his hair. “I got you.”

At that Bucky seemed to quiet a little, tightening his arm around Steve in his sleep. Steve just held him there and lost himself in thought for a while.

Until the flashback, Bucky was having a decent day. He went through stretches when he seemed okay but then something would trigger in him and things would change on a dime. Sam said this was normal. That recovery wasn’t linear and since he had multiple triggers it was likely to re-occur often. That patience and understanding were key and that recognizing the signs was a way to minimize the reaction. But that he couldn’t prevent it from occurring. There had been a lot of damage done, both mentally and psychologically that it would take a lot of time to recover.

And the fact was that Bucky was remembering things all the time, which meant fresh traumas to deal with on pretty much a daily basis. 

It was tough on Steve himself and talking to others helped as well. He had his own issues, but Bucky’s were added stress as well. Sometimes he just needed time like this to decompress himself. To just lay with him and watch him sleep. That was not underrated.

And he loved him with his whole heart and was willing to do whatever it took to help him get better. To ease the pain and guilt as much as possible. To make him feel loved and safe. These things were paramount to Steve right now.

All the other shit could wait.

The phone buzzed again, and he reluctantly reached over and picked it up. Knowing exactly who I t it was.  “Hello Tony.” He sighed. “What’s the problem?”

“Oh you’re alive.” He heard him say. “You know we have phones for a reason Rogers.”

“Yeah I know.” Steve said, trying not to sound exasperated. And to keep his voice down. “I turned it off.”

“Why the hell would you do that?”

The incredulousness in his voice was amusing to Steve. Tony just couldn’t fathom why anyone would want to just go off the gird for a while. There were perks to new technology and then there were drawbacks. Yes people could a hold of you all the time but sometimes that wasn’t a good thing. Steve had found the off switch on his phone relatively quick and made good use of it on days like this.

“You may find this hard to believe Tony, but people do have lives that don’t revolve around you.”

Tony sounded almost offended by that. “Well what if this was an emergency?”

Steve sighed. “It’s not.” He told him. “Otherwise Sam would’ve Skyped me.”

“So you’ll talk to Wilson but not me?” Tony huffed with indignance. “I see how it is.”

There was noise going in the background of the call, sounded like a party or something. “Yes, because he doesn’t bother me 24/7.”  He shifted his around Bucky a little, who barely seemed to stir. “So, what’s going on?”

“We are having a gathering and I was gonna ask if you and your photogenic smile wanted to make an appearance?” Tony asked, sounding like he was eating as he was talking. “The papers love you. It’s good press.”

“I think I’ll pass thanks.”

“You’re with Barnes I gather?”

Steve tried to ignore the slight irritation in his voice. “Yes Tony.” He told him. “Where else would I be?”

“Well you’re missing out.”

“I guess that’s my loss.” He told him. “I need to spend time with him right now if that’s okay with you.””

“Yeah it’s fine.” He heard Tony agree, being concillatory for once. “Just keep the phone on.. you don’t have to answer it.. put it on silent or whatever.”

He knew Tony had obvious issues with Bucky. Always would but he understood the situation Steve was in with him. Understood the Bucky had issues. So, he didn’t argue anymore about the time Steve needed to spend with him.

“Thanks Tony.”

“No problem.” He replied. “Take your time. I’ll drink for the both of us.”

Steve had no doubt he would. “Thanks, I’m sure that’ll be quiet a hardship for you.”

They hung up and Steve put the phone back down on the coffee table and returned his arm back around Bucky’s back. He felt him stir a little again in his arms.

“Sounds like you’re missing a hell of a party.” Bucky said in soft, sleepy voice.

“Maybe.” He replied, letting his fingers trail over Bucky’s back again. “But I’d rather be here.”

He felt Bucky smile and nuzzled his chest a little, getting more comfortable. “yeah.” He agreed. “This is nice.”

He could hear the way Bucky said that and thought that, at least for the moment, he was somewhat at peace. And that was good. A calm patch in the stormy sea of his mind. And he was happy for him. He kissed his head again, stroking his hair lightly, feeling Bucky’s rub lazily over his waist.

“It sure is.” 

He closed his eyes, feeling Bucky nestled against his chest again and this time they both dozed off. The afternoon sun peeking in through the slats and the sound of the hustle of the city outside just background noise. It was a good day to just sleep for a while and Steve could think of no better way to spend it.

\--

Bucky stood in the bathroom, looking in the mirror at himself. Mostly at his arm, the shoulder specifically. It was the newer one, put on with better care and in many ways superior to the older one. And it was his. They had asked him before they put it on. Every time he looked at it reminded him of everything they’d done. Reminding him of whole he was.

The scar tissue from the old one was plainly visible. He grazed his fingers over it and his mind flashed painfully to when it was put on.

_The saw, cutting through his skin, through the muscles. Sawing into bone. Taking off the rest of his mangle arm. The pain so intense he went into shock. Until he passed out._

_Waking up, because they didn’t use a lot of anesthetic. At least not a good one. He could feel their fingers, and the instruments digging into it. Moving around inside, removing muscles and attaching wires to nerves. The pain was enormous, and he remembered trying to scream but there was something in his mouth to prevent him doing that. And he was strapped down unable to move._

_Their fingers, inside, rebuilding him against his will. The excruciating pain. Causing tears in his eyes. Feeling lost. Hurt. Violated. And there was nothing he could do. He was surrounded by them._

_That scientist. Zola. Who lived in his nightmares like a hideous ghoul. Smiling at his creation._

_“You will be the new fist of Hydra”_

_He was unable to scream, his teeth clenching the mouthpiece. But he was screaming in his head. Passing out and waking up over and over again…_

He leaned over the sink, feeling sick. Feeling the pain all over again, Radiating out from his shoulder. The pain had been constant ever since, increasing every time it was hit, Or pulled. It had never stopped until Wakonda when they had finally turned off the sensors and replaced the lost arm. But now it was back. A ghostly reminder, feeling as real as the memory.

Lifting his head he looked at himself again in the mirror and saw  the shadow of the Winter Soldier staring back at him. Saw that old murderous arm shadowed over the new one. Saw the cold, icy stare in his own eyes. He stared at it, unable to look away.

_Your work has a gift to mankind. You shaped the century._

He felt the darkness inside, creeping up on him. Looking at the scars on his shoulder always did this. It’s why he hardly ever looked at it. The scars were ugly reminders of who he was. Snaking out from under the new metal. Permanent red marks. He closed his eyes, taking several deep breaths.

“Buck?”

Steve’s quiet voice pulled him out of the past and he turned, blinking at him. He’d forgotten to lock the damn door. Seeing Steve staring at him for what seemed like a long time. He felt exposed and quickly reached for his shirt.  He was about to pull it on when he felt Steve’s hand on his arm.

“Don’t.” His voice was soft, there was no command in it, but it made him stop just the same. “Just let me see it.” 

He looked at Steve with wide eyes, studying him as he stood there, shirt in hand. Unsure what to do. He’d been afraid, so afraid to let him look at it. To show the marks they’d left behind, that no amount of quick healing from the serum had ever been able to take away. Visible scars matching the internal ones and he was so scared to show them.

But he saw Steve, getting a full look at him now, and there was a sad look in his eyes but something ele as well. Appreciation. He could almost feel his eyes travelling all over him and the sensation made him feel shockingly vulnerable and a little excited as well. He bit his lip a little, watching him.

Steve stepped closer and put his fingers lightly on the scar tissue and Bucky sucked in a breath at the touch on the tender skin. He felt himself tremble as his fingers moved over his shoulder, never taking his eyes off him. “You’ve always been beautiful” He whispered to him, looking in his eyes. ”You still are. “ Bucky dropped his eyes from  him, unable to hold the look. “Nothings changed.”   

He felt a little flustered. “Steve.” Was all he managed, words were failing him now.

With his fingers still trailing over the edge of the metal, Steve wrapped his other hand around Bucky’s head, bunching his hair up and kissed him. The touch of his fingers were causing him to shiver, pushing out of his mind the memories of being crudely touched and cut there. All he could feel was him, the gentle caress mixed with kisses and suddenly he didn’t feel so shameful about it. Just wrapped his arms around him and kissed him back languidly.

“Okay.” He whispered against his lips., leaning into him. “I guess I can.. leave it off.”

Their lips parted and Steve pressed his own against Bucky’s shoulder, finding the place where the metal met flesh and moved his lips softly over it. Bucky’s eyes fluttered closed again, taking a shuddering breath at the feel of this.  Those soft lips on that old, hurt place.

“Good.” Steve replied against his skin, holding him to him. “You don’t have to hide anything from me.”

\--

Steve looked down at Bucky, who looked completely flushed, his hair scattered all over the pillow. His body spread out, fully exposed to him for the first time. His eyes had that hazy,  kissed out look, his swollen lips slightly parted. He looked so beautiful in that moment Steve could not look away.

“Wow..” he breathed, nuzzling his lips against the scar tissue on the edge of the metal,  hearing Bucky sigh softly. “You’re just.. I don’t have words.”

It had been the first time he’d allowed his shirt off like this. The first time he got to look in his eyes this openly. To kiss all over his body now, celebrating it in its magnificence. There were still places he would not let him go but that was okay. The rest had more than made up for it

“That’s a first..” Bucky breathed, his hands in Steve’s hair, his legs bent on either side of him. “Usually I can’t shut you up.”

Steve chuckled and kissed him again in that place that made him shiver. The old scars were terrible looking but beautiful in a way as well. A sign of survival.  He knew he’d never stop touching or kissing them now that Bucky had finally allowed him close to them. He was still shaking a bit and Steve pulled his lips away and looked at him concerned.

“You okay?” He asked softly, brushing some of his hair away. “Buck.”

Bucky bit his lip again and stared up at him with those haunted blue eyes. “It’s just I…I felt everything they did. All of it.” He confessed as he lay underneath him. “Every time I looked at it.. every time it got pulled or..touched.. I remembered how much it hurt.. and”

This confession was painful for him to hear. That he’d suffered like that. With no care for his pain at all. Just to make him a weapon. To violate him in such a basic way without his permission. It mad e him angry. But her knew there was more to it than that. He gave him a soft look and let him continue to talk.

 “I didn’t want anyone to see.” He continued, closing his eyes painfully. “I didn’t want you to see it.. to see what they did.”

Steve could see shame in his eyes. Like he was marked. How when he was able to get him to go out, he’d cover the arm, even if it was warm. He didn’t want to be noticed he knew after all the publicity, but it was more than that. A feeling of mutilation and disfigurement as well. Something he’d never be able to voice on his own. He trailed his fingers over the scar tissue lightly, right along the edge of the metal and watched his eyes flutter at the touch.

“There’s nothing wrong with you Buck.”  He whispered to him, his, his lips brushing his softly. “Nothing at all.”

Bucky bit his lip, looking up at him sadly. “There’s a lot wrong with me Steve.”

Steve didn’t answer that, knew there was nothing he could say really. All he could do was show him. So he kissed him again, letting his fingers roam over that old injured place, showing him he didn’t care if he was broken. That he loved him anyways.

He felt Bucky wrap his arms around his neck and pull him against him again, seemingly wanting him close. So Steve brought his lips to his shoulder again. He then gently turned him over onto his stomach and ran his fingers softly over his back, finding the edges of it again on that side  as he leaned over him, tracing the lines with his fingers.

“You’re beautiful.” He whispered into his ear. “All of you, even damn part.” He brought his lips to where his fingers were, feeling Bucky tremble under him. “You have nothing be ashamed of.. nothing.”

Steve could see Bucky’s eyes, those sooty dark lashes hooding those blue irises in stark contrast, as his was head was turned to him. He was breathing softly, slowly. He leaned over to kiss him , placing his hand over Bucky’s flesh as he did so, softly entwining their fingers intimately. He could Bucky’s  metal fingers on the back of his head, holding him there for a moment.

Pulling his lips from his, he saw he saw Bucky press his forehead into the pillow as Steve resumed  lovingly kissing his shoulder, keeping the right hands together next to his head. He moved his lips along the metal on his back now, wanting to cover every inch it. Leaving nothing untouched.

He lifted Bucky slightly against, putting his lips to his ear. “I love you.” He whispered to him. “All of you..every single part.”

And he spent the rest of the night showing him that. Making love to him softly and slowly until they fell asleep. Steve’s face buried in his shoulder as he held him against him, pressing into those tender glaring red marks as if they were most beautiful thing ever.

\--

_He could feel the blood running over his fingers as he cut them, cutting off the words, the begging as he did so. He could smell it through the mask, even hear the droplets hit the ground, and the part of him that was still human screaming in his head. The blood looked black in the moonlight but then again for him everything was black, punctuated by voices in his head that kept screaming despite his efforts to quash it._

_Mission Report…_

Bucky woke up in Steve’s arms, stifling a scream. Shaking violently, her turned and curled against him on the bed, burying his face in his neck as the horror faded back. But didn’t leave completely.

The room was dark, it was past midnight. A little bit of light filtered in from the shades and the room had an eerie quality to it. And the silence didn’t help.

He felt Steve’s hand move in his hair in reaction to this. “Buck?” He asked, concern in his voice. “Are you okay?”

“No.” He answered, too raw to lie about it, his eyes squeezed shut. 

Steve’s lips pressed into his forehead again. “You want to talk about?”

“No.” He answered, barely above a whisper. “I can’t.”

“Okay.” He heard him whisper into his hair, tightening the arm that was around his back.

He was too good. Bucky felt entirely undeserving of him. The remnants of the nightmare still lingering. The memory of the blood, tainting this moment and making him remember just what kind of a monster he was. The horrible things he’d done. Things that were still falling back into his mind as it continued to heal itself. It didn’t occur to him think that maybe it was dropping these memories back in a little at a time as another way of healing itself. Doing it when he was strong enough to face it. All he knew was each one made him feel worse.

Bucky nuzzled his face more against Steve’s neck, holding him tightly like a lifeline. “I hate this...”  He told him, his voice breaking in spite of his efforts to hold it in. “I just.. want it to stop..”

He felt Steve stroke his hair soothingly. “I know.” He whispered to him. “I wish I could make it better.”

There really wasn’t any way he could do that Bucky knew. No matter what it just kept coming back. Like an avalanche. Every time you made progress something would trigger it again. It felt hopeless. It made him feel weak and lost. Just wanting to give up and let it drown him, because fighting through it was exhausting.

It made him want to run away and find a hole somewhere and hide. The feeling was strong. Too strong.

Maybe he could just forget again for a little while. Lose himself. Put it off a little longer. He knew that wasn’t good or healthy, he was self-aware enough to know that, but he didn’t know what else to do.

“There is a way you can Steve. ”He whispered into his neck, letting his lips brush his skin. “Help me..”  His hand clutched him a little tighter. “I need you.”

It was a code. Words that Steve understood quite well. Knowing exactly what he wanted because this was not a unique occurrence. It was his escape.  The only place that horrible shit didn’t creep into.

He felt his hand on his face. Soft, almost undoing him. “Are you sure?”

The question caught him off guard for a moment. Not knowing Steve to hesitate on this. The tone in his voice indicated some concern and maybe an ability to see through what he wanted. And the reasons why he wanted it. It made him feel a little defensive.

“Of course I am..” He snapped. “I know what I want.” His eyes blazed in the dark. “Turn me over..”

It was how he wanted it. Unlike earlier, soft and loving, he wanted it hard now. Wanting forget everything. Just obliterate it all. And maybe even be punished a little. He didn’t understand this motivation, didn’t examine himself too hard on it. He just knew he liked it when Steve controlled it. Sometimes even liking that it hurt a little. There was a darkness in his soul right now and he needed the antidote for it. Attrition.

“Buck?” He seemed to ask gain.

“Just do it.” He growled again. Please..”

He felt Steve flip him onto his stomach, and wrapping his arm around him, pull him to his knees. “If that’s what you want..” he whispered into his ear. “Say it..”

Bucky’s felt his eyes take on a dark cast. Thinking if Steve had seen this, he might be concerned, even a little scared of it. Because it wasn’t really him. There was another person in his head, and it was all he could do to fight him off. So, he didn’t, not now.

“Fuck me..” He growled, his fingers flexing into the sheets. “Please.”

Didn’t want a warm up. Didn’t want anything else but raw and hard. His voice made that clear. And he knew from experience that that tone his voice, the wildness and urgency, did things to Steve too. He knew how to manipulate that as well. It was not going to be soft now.

This wasn’t the first time he’d wanted this after all. After nightmares he’d crawled into his bed, needing a release and this was no exception. The fact that he was sleeping there meant nothing. He’d said the words.

This was how it was.

Steve gripped his hips, biting down on his shoulder and proceeded to fuck him into oblivion. He came close to the headboard several But, he didn’t. Steve always kept him from hitting his head on it, even as he was practically fucking him into it. When Bucky had the coherency to think, he thought there was something sweet about that.

That even in the rough, raw moments, he would not let him be hurt.

But for now, he lost himself in getting thoroughly fucked. It blew everything else away, which was what he wanted. To feel nothing but Steve’s arms, holding him up like they always did. Giving him what he needed and taking care of him after. The soft touches and kisses that he was still getting used to. Lulling him into sleep. And when he finally slept again, he slept hard. In a deep place in his head. But it didn’t mean it wasn’t eventful. Not that he knew that.

\--

Steve woke up to the sensation of Bucky not being in his arms. He hadn’t even felt him get up he was that quiet about it. But he wasn’t worried that he’d left the house, he still had the sensation of him being there. Felt eyes on him the way only a watchful person can.

Turning he saw his shape sillouetted by the light filtering in through the window. Letting his eyes adjust the dark we was able to see him sitting there on his knees just staring at him. It was eerie, like he was a statue. Not moving at all.

“Buck?” He asked quietly. “Is everything okay?”

He didn’t answer just sat there. He had something in his hand and Steve couldn’t make it out at first. He could now see his eyes and they had a strange yet familiar cast to them. Like he wasn’t really there. Almost like a trance but not quite.

It wasn’t really Bucky he was looking at here. He knew it. Instinctively.

This wasn’t the first time this had happened. And Bucky didn’t know about it.

“Soldier?” He asked, in his best Russian. Which wasn’t great but the Soldier seemed to understand it.

Steve watched as the hand holding the object moved and put it down in front of him on the bed. It was the gun. Once he’d done it, he went back to his position, staring at Steve with cool eyes. The same blue as Bucky’s only icier. And he didn’t speak at all.

He felt his hand reach over and pick it up, the Soldier’s eyes watching his every move carefully as he did it. He didn’t understand this any more than he understood Bucky doing it when he was awake. It made little sense to him.

Holding it for a moment, he put it down on the bed stand next to them, for some reason not wanting to hold it for too long. The Solider seemed to be confused by this, still watching him carefully, his hair in his face, his hands at his side.

“You can rest now.” He said, knowing he understood English perfectly, and unable to think of anything else to say. “It’s okay.”

He reached for him and he flinched ever so slightly before allowing Steve’s hand on his arm, pulling him back closer to him. As this happened, he seemed to lose the icey edge in his eyes and he looked more like Bucky again. But a not quite aware Bucky. Like someone sleep walking.

“Steve?” He asked, his voice small and confused.

“Come on.” Steve said softly, pulling him back into his arms again. “It’s time to sleep.”

He wrapped him back up as best he could and felt seem to fall back into sleep again. Steve stayed awake for a little bit, thinking about this. Bucky had these things in sleep as well as nightmares when he get up and move around. Strange fugues that Steve’s own doctor had said it was better not to wake him up from. And Steve had never told him about it, fearing he wouldn’t sleep if he knew.

This behavior was a little new though. He had never retrieved a weapon before this.  And he knew he should’ve been frightened by that, but he wasn’t for some reason. It was as if this was another part of Bucky that he was starting to understand. So he dealt with it.

He felt Bucky twitch a little in his sleep and he held him closer, letting him feel the comfort even in his deep sleep. And eventually fell asleep himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had this interesting concept of Bucky having these sort of fugue states, much like sleepwalking in which the Winter Soldier rises to the surface. Like Bucky his behavior is not alway clear either. At least not at first. But he may be able to tell Steve things that Bucky simply can't as well. So Steve approaches him, not with fear but with some level of gentleness and understanding. 
> 
> The thing with the gun is theory that has been bandied about, about the idea that Bucky carries an extra gun for handler/SO when he is the Winter Soldier. It's an interesting theory and concept that will reappear in this fic, along with other concepts as well. 
> 
> PTSD flashbacks are rough and can be triggered by the smallest things. You feel like your reliving the moment in shocking clarity. These won't be the last ones he has either. 
> 
> One more thing I like the disparity between the gentle lovemaking earlier to the rougher stuff later, because Bucky is in a totally different frame of mind. The almost need to want to be punished in this case. It dosen't mean that its a bad thing just and interesting aspect of his character that will be explored further on. 
> 
> Next chapter will feature some fluff and a road trip among other things, that's the teaser :)


	3. Getting Away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well since I have it done, no reason to not post it. I have rough drafts about to about 7 so I can be a little quicker. But this had a bit more fluff in it and some good old fashioned sexy time. It was very fun to write in some place.

_Falling.._

_Crashing to the ground, his left arm twisted unnaturally as it had broken against the rocks on his way down. The feeling of blood pouring out into the snow. Of looking up the trestle from so far done that he couldn’t be seen. Hearing no train. It was long gone._

_The cold down his bones, causing the blood to freeze as it leaked out of him, slowing it. Delaying the inevitable. Still hearing Steve’s voice and his own screams echoing in his ears, along with the ringing from the impact of the fall._

_He hadn’t died. But the pain was enormous._

_Maybe he would die soon. This wasn’t so bad, it was like slowing going to sleep._

_His eyes, waiting for it. Snow drifting down. It was sort of peaceful._

_Time passing slowly, and he felt himself being dragged. Was he rescued?_

_Straining to open his eyes he saw himself being dragged, a trail of blood in the snow._

_When he opened them again he saw him. Zola._

_“Sargeant Barnes.” The voice purred in wonder, happy at his find._

_And that’s when he felt himself starting to scream but unable to get away.._

_He didn’t die but he might as well have._

Bucky awoke with a start, sitting upright in the bed, still feeling the cold air around him. His hand instinctively going to his arm again, feeling the strangely not cold metal there. But he felt the ghost of his original flesh arm there, hanging off. Felt the pain even now. 

 He took several deep breaths, reminding himself that he was, in fact here. Another day another nightmare. That was nothing new. But that was nothing new. What was new was Steve wasn’t there, but he knew where he was. He could smell eggs and bacon cooking from the kitchen and suddenly felt hungry.

It was morning, once again late morning. Steve had let him sleep, and he hadn’t even woken up when he’d gotten up. Normally he woke at the slightest moment but this morning apparently. He had that groggy feel of coming up from a deep sleep and that was a relatively new thing as well.

Memories of last night, the sweet, earlier lovemaking and the rougher stuff later juxtaposed in his mind in stark contrast. The times when he felt sane and the times he didn’t. The times he wanted and craved being loved and cared for versus the times when he just wanted to be annihilated. The light and dark in his head at constant war with each other. It was confusing and terrifying. Making him feel unstable.

He didn’t understand and didn’t trust his own mind at this point. Wondering if he was actually crazy.

The only thing he knew for certain was that Steve was the grounding force that kept it in balance.  The only thing that kept the other presence inside his head a bay. At least for now.

Getting up, he pulled on some clothes. He hadn’t had a lot of his own, but Steve had gotten him some and it felt strange wearing new stuff. Different clothes every day. Clean jeans and t-shirt like a normal person. He combed his fingers through his bed hair and took a deep breath before going out into the kitchen.

He unconsciously picked up the gun off the bed stand, not even noticing it was in a different place than he left it, and stuffed in the back of his jeans right before he left.

He saw Steve, who looked particularly good (not that he didn’t usually) in a dark t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants. He turned and smiled softly at seeing him, and Bucky was almost undone by it. He almost had to look away as Steve came over to him to hide the flush on his face.

“Good morning. “He said softly, brushing some of Bucky’s hair back seeming to search his eyes as if looking for something. “How are you feeling?”

Bucky bit his lip a little, unsure how to answer that at first. And decided to be honest. “I don’t know..” He told him, putting his hand over Steve’s, which had rested on is neck. “A little tired I guess.”

“Okay.” He replied, smiling again his eyes soft, but Bucky sensed something off underneath them. “I figured you might be hungry so..”

“I am.” He agreed, looking into Steve’s eyes, his hand not moving from his. “But I..”

He saw concern on his face. “But what?”

He didn’t answer just stepped forward and put his right hand on his face and kissed him. Steve seemed a bit surprised at first, but his hands went to Bucky’s waist and rested there as they kissed softly. Bucky let his fingers move over Steve’s cheeks as he held his face with the one hand. The other stayed at his side.

He pulled away and rested his head against Steve’s for a moment, closing his eyes and biting his lip again before finally answering. “I wanted to do that first.” He whispered, still holding his face. “That’s all.”

“I’m not complaining.” Steve said with a chuckle, rubbing his waist a little.

He just stayed like that for a bit longer, keeping his hands on his face. But not letting them touch his neck, especially left one. He was accessing too many memories of strangling people, including Steve at a couple of points and whenever it got close, he flashed on it. He knew Steve had noticed this but hadn’t said anything. And then he felt Steve’s hand on that hand, holding it and entwining his fingers in it.

“This is not the same arm you know.” Steve said softly. “It’s alright.”

“I know.” He whispered back. “But I could still hurt you with it.” He took in a deep shuddering breath. “It’s strong. “

Steve didn’t answer it, just pulled it up to his face. He could feel the warmth of his skin and trembled a little. Memories of strangulation ran through his head and he felt the urge to tear his hands away, but Steve held it there, watching him work through it.

“You’re not gonna hurt me.” He told him, his face close to his. “See?”

Bucky bit his lip, fighting it off as best he could. And then brought his lips softly to Steve’s again, needing to kiss him again. This time letting both hands rest on his face. It almost felt too much. But he couldn’t pull away if he wanted to. The feel of his hands, the taste of his lips and smell of breakfast mingled together and he felt almost normal. He was still getting used to normal.

He pulled away and nuzzled his neck for a moment. “That does smell good.” He said against his neck, smiling.

“What?” Steve asked, his fingers trailing over his back. “Me or the food?”

Bucky chuckled a little. “Both.”

“Come on.” He told him, a broad smile on his own face. “You need to eat.”

Sitting down at the table, he realized he was exceptionally hungry and began wolfing down the food Steve gave him. It very domestic. So freaking normal and that was nice.

“I was thinking..”

“Thought I smelled smoke.” Bucky quipped, unable to help himself.

Steve shook his head. “Hilarious.”

“I thought so.” He replied with a chuckle, drinking his orange juice. “Do continue.”

“Maybe we should get away for a little while.” Steve said. “Take a trip upstate for a bit.”

Bucky was surprised by this. “Really?” He asked. “You think?”

“Yeah I do.” He answered, taking a bite of his toast. “I think it would be good to just take a leave for a while. Change of scenery. Great outdoors kind of thing.”

He thought about this. He had been cooped up inside a bit. Except for his occasional nightly meanderings in the city that was. Getting out into some real fresh aire sounded nice. Quiet. And maybe a little scary, but in a challenging way. Trying something new out of his comfort zone.

“Okay.” He agreed, finishing his breakfast. “Sounds good.”

Steve smiled at him. “Yeah I think it could be beneficial. For both of us.”

Bucky lowered his head a little, knowing he’s been putting Steve under a lot of stress lately with his shit and thought this was as much for him as it was for himself. They can both attempt to get their heads together in a place far away from distractions.

“Yeah I think so too.”

Steve got up and took the dishes away. “I just gotta talk to Tony that’s all.” He said absently. “He owes me some time off anyways.”

“I should stay here if you’re gonna do that.” Bucky said, his thoughts turning to Tony and their… issue. “Don’t think he’d really want to see me anyways.”

Steve nodded. “You gonna be alright by yourself?”

“I’m not gonna jump out a window if that’s what you’re thinking.”

“I know.” Steve replied, putting his hand on his shoulder. “That’s not what I meant.”

He looked up at Steve with a soft smile. “I’ll be fine.”

Steve bent down and kissed him on the top of his head. It was such a tender gesture and he felt himself almost undone by it. He wrapped his hand around one of Steve’s and pulled him down a little more and kissed him softly, wrapping his hand around the back of his head.

“I won’t be long.” Steve said as he pulled away, smiling softly at him. “Promise.”

It was like Steve thought he was afraid to let him go. Well maybe he sensed it. Whatever it was he almost felt like an insecure child being reassured of his parents love. But that was alright he supposed. Because these days he was a little afraid to be far away from him for too long. Like he’d start forgetting who he was again.

Once Steve was gone, Bucky grabbed his cigarettes and opened to the window to the fire escape. He couldn’t believe they still had these things, but this house did. Maybe it was why Steve had grabbed it up. A little bit of the old ways. He wasn’t complaining.  It was something familiar.

He sat there, his legs hanging over the side, listening to the sounds of city. Kids running around since it was a Saturday and all. And it was a pretty nice fall day too. Just the muddled ambiance of this section of the city that was still, for all intents and purposes, his home. It was in his blood even if he was a different person now from the guy who left it for war so long ago.

He had come back, not exactly welcomed back yet, but back and that part was okay for now. There were other, more pressing matters. He flicked his cigarette and took another drag and just tried to quiet the ever present noise in his head, and just tried to relax until Steve got back.

\--

Sitting in the chair, Steve watch Tony make himself a drink and got a little lost in his thoughts for moment. Turning to Bucky, who seemed to not remember his nightly episodes. Or notice what he was doing with his gun, pretty much daily. Even at breakfast this morning. Steve was still trying to sort them out himself. Trying to figure out what it meant. Hoping it didn’t mean any kind of relapse. Thinking maybe it was a way for him to sort things out subconsciously. He would keep his eye on it. He was pulled out of his thoughts by Tony’s voice as he sat down at the table in front of him.

“You’re taking a week?” Tony asked with a hint of surprise. “Seriously?”

“Yeah.” Steve replied. “That a problem?”

Tony leaned back in his chair. “Well depends of if something comes up then maybe it might be.”

“You got plenty of help.” Steve told him, as they sat in the conference room. “I need to do this Tony. It’s important.”

“It’s because of Barnes, right?”

“Yeah it is.” He admitted. “And for me too. “We just both.. we need some time away.”

Tony looked at him as if studying him a bit and Steve thought he saw some understanding in is his eyes. “Things not going well?”

“There okay between us it’s just..” He paused for a moment, not sure how much he wanted to say here. “He’s having a hard time, and I’m worried about him.” He took a deep breath. “I think getting away from all distractions might be helpful is all.”

“I get it.” Tony said, looking toward the window and then back at him. “If it was Pepper, I’d want to do the same if she’s was struggling.” Steve could see him being sincere and it was surprising but not surprising. “I’d want to take her away and take care of her.”

“So, you’re okay with this?”

“As long as you keep your phone in case of a global emergency or something.”

“That I can do.” Steve told him, getting up off the chair. “Just don’t call me unless..”

“Got it.” He agreed and then added. “Take care of yourself. And him too.”

Steve was a bit touched, expecting some sarcasm or something. “Thanks.”

“I’m not heartless.” Said Tony, with his usual tone. “In spite of what some may think. Occasional conceited asshole yes but not heartless.”

Steve raised his eyebrows. “Occasional?”

“Watch it Rogers.” Tony warned. “Or I’ll text you every minute your gone, and you know I will.”

“Don’t I ever.”

Tony seemed to remember something at that moment. “Oh yeah I almost forgot. “ He went and retrieved a box from the counter. “Pulled a few strings and got that thing you wanted.”

Steve looked at the box, and back at Tony with gratitude. He’d been trying to find this for so long and now hear it was. Opening the box, he saw what was inside and his heart skipped a beat. His plan was to give them to Bucky at the right time. He didn’t know when that was yet but he knew that when the time comes he’d know.

“Thanks Tony.” He said, meaning it sincerely. “I really appreciate it.”

“Not a problem.” Tony replied, shaking his hand. “Just wreck my place okay?”

Steve smiled as he turned to leave. “There goes the party I guess.”

\--

They were in the car, Bucky in the passenger seat, watching the country go by. It was nice out this way he noted. Once got outside the outskirts of the city and suburbs it was a lot of farms and small towns. They’d stopped and up some lunch and some food for their cabin from a couple of fam stands and for Bucky this felt like some oddly normal shit and he was musing on it as the scenery went by and music played at a low level in the car.

“You okay?” Steve asked, stirring him out of his doldrums.

“Yeah.” He answered, turning his head and smiling a little. “Just it’s… nice out here.”

“Yeah it is.” He replied. “Once you get out of the cities a lot of the country still looks like this surprisingly.”

Bucky nodded and looked back out the window. “So where we going?”

“Lake George.” Steve answered. “it’s on the Vermont border, fare away from pretty much anything.”

“That’s good.”

He was really sorting warming to the idea of being far away from everything. He knew that he couldn’t hid from his problems. Wherever you go, there you are kind of thing. They just followed you around. But maybe up here he could at least air it out a bit away from everyone else. With a little help of some peace and quiet and just Steve to deal with.

He felt Steve pick up his hand, his left once and felt him entwined the metal fingers with his before putting them to his lips and kissing them softly as he drove. Yet another soft, tender gesture that surprised Bucky a little. He looked at him and could see the love and concern in his eyes as put the hand down but continued to hold it loosely.

“It’s gonna be alright Buck.” He said softly. “I promise.”

“I don’t know if it ever will be.” Bucky said honestly. “But.. as long as you’re here…”

He couldn’t finish and knew Steve could hear the emotion in his voice. He then surprisingly pulled the care into what looked like a rest area and turned the engine off. Bucky was about to ask him why when  Steve just pulled him to him and kissed him right there.

Bucky felt Steve’s hands in his hair and wrapped his own around his back, turning his head a little as it went deeper. Their tongues moved softly together, and Bucky forgot what he was going to say, even forgot they were in the car. The sounds of the few other cars going by barely registered. His metal pressed into Steve’s chest and he was unsurprised to feel the beating of his heart through it.

They pulled apart for a moment, laying their heads together and catching their breath. “Just felt the need to do that.” He heard Steve say, causing him to smile. “Beside you looked like you needed it.”

Bucky bit his lip softly. “I think I did.” He whispered to him. “And I think I may need another one.”

“Well.” Steve said leaning back in again. “If you insist.”

They dived back in again, kissing and touching like a couple of teenagers on a date. Shifting every so often and smiling against each other’s lips. For Bucky it felt like they were back in the old days, back in Brooklyn, stealing kisses and touches when no one was looking, because back they had to hide it.  But not anymore and that was freeing. But it made him feel like his old self for a moment and he reveled in it.

Steve accidently honked the horn with his elbow and they both just about jumped out of their skin and then started laughing before Bucky grabbed him again. “Smooth move Rogers.” His voice breathless from laughing as he leaned in to kiss him again.

“C’mon.” Steve argued against his lips. “That was totally your fault.”

“It was your elbow idiot.” Laughing again, unable to help himself as he leaned back against the door, with his fists full of Steve’s shirt. “How is it mine?”

Steve leaned over him, smiling. “You grabbed my ass that’s why.”

Smiling at him saucily, Bucky pulled him closer. “You know you like it punk.”

Steve wrapped his hand around the back of Bucky’s neck, their lips almost touching. “Jerk..” He growled and their lips crashed together again.

Boy this was fun.

The sun was setting but they didn’t care. They had all day. All night. All week. Not wasting a single moment. The windows fogged a little and that was fine too. _This is what normal people in love d_ o he thought to himself as he went in for another deep kiss. _And there is nothing wrong with it at all._

\--

They made it to the cabin later that night, pretty late in fact. Would have made it earlier but their fumbly, touchy feely makeout session in the car had delayed them a while. Not that Steve regretted it all. That handsy, shirts half off interlude was, in his mind, well worth it.

And they could finish it when they got here if they wanted to and to be honest, they did.

They fell on the bed, Bucky landing on his back squirming slightly as Steve kissed him, his hands fumbling with his shirt before pulling it over his head. Bucky was finally at a stage where he was actually letting him take it off now and that was another step. He could feel Bucky’s hands, even his metal one, wrapped around his head as he lavished attention on his chest. Those hands move from his hair to his shirt, unbuttoning it and pulling it off him as Steve ravished his skin. It was frantic and fumbly and perfect. 

“Nice place..” Bucky gasped, his hands back in Steve’s hair again, having succeeded in getting Steve’s shirt off. “Lot’s of… space..”

“Yeah..” Steve murmured against Bucky’s chest, his tongue encircling a nipple. “Seems.. like it..”

Next were the pants, and they were unceremoniously yanked off, without regard for grace or belts. And Steve very quickly worked his way down moving his tongue and lips over his abdomen, tracing the cut lines there with expertise. His body was beautiful to him. Even the arm. Everything about him was. And Steve was damn well making sure to show Bucky that every time they made love. He could feel his hands in hair, hear him moan softly and it pushed him forward.

He wanted to show him all the way but was once again stopped when he felt Bucky tense slightly under him. And he knew he was once again, getting too close to the danger zone. He looked up at him for a moment saw the pinch of fear in it, and he rubbed his legs softly.

“Its okay.” He said softly to him and pressed his lips to his stomach again. “I know.”

He wanted to know why. Needed to understand, but now wasn’t the time. Soon it would be. But not now. His hands slid around Bucky’s thighs and let his fingers slide inside of him for a moment, hearing him moan, that look leaving his eyes. Replace with wild desire now.

He rose back up, taking his lips again, leaving his hands where they were a little longer before sliding up even more, settling his body between his open legs. Hands sliding up and gripping his hips with urgency. Part of him will still surprised that Bucky was still on his back, thinking maybe he was too lost in it to notice.

And then pushed deep into him, feeling him moan into his mouth . Their lips parted and he looked into those stunning blue eyes and saw nothing but that love reflected back in them. And began to rock steadily against him, keeping the eye contact. He watched his lips part, his eyes flutter in pleasure at every thrust. It was the first he’d been able to do this. It was a beautiful sight.

“Steve..” he moaned, his fingers flexing into his back deliciously.

He ran his lips over his chin. “Yes?”

“Harder.” He groaned. “please..”

With that declaration Steve lowered his head, biting down into Bucky’s shoulder, causing him to groan and began to move harder against him, pushing his legs apart a bit more as the tempo increased. He wanted to blow his mind tonight. To push him to absolute edge and start this trip off right. He bit down again, on his neck this time and Bucky moaned louder, his fingers digging into his lower back down, moving south.

He went faster, harder, deeper, attaching him with his mouth at the same time, leaving marks. And Bucky was leaving them too. He could feel the scratches. His hands found Steve’s ass and dug into that and Steve and pushed harder, liking it in a way he’d never thought possible. It felt so good, such a release and it drove him harder until they both crashed hard, climaxing in glorious unison.

Steve collapsed onto Bucky and breathed hard, feeling him doing the same. His hands had fallen off Steve and he was laying almost spread-eagled under him, his eyes glassy, some of his long dark hair stuck to his face and the rest fanned out on the pillow. Steve lifted his head and looked at him, thinking he’d never look more beautiful than in these moments.

He had taken to being on his back a bit more these days as well, and Steve rather liked that too. He did like being able to see his eyes the whole time. That intoxicating shade of blue unique to him. Watching them darken with desire as his climax washed over him.

“Fuck..” he gasped, finding Steve’s eyes. “That was…”

“I know..” Steve agreed smiling. “It was…”

They found each other’s lips and kissed hazily, Bucky’s metal fingers on his face. In this state he didn’t seem to have any fear of doing this and that was another bonus. Their legs tangled together as they shifted a little in the bed, feeling the remaining tremors and hazily enjoying it.

“That’s one… hell of way to start a vacation.” Said Bucky, sounding breathless as he looked up at him. “Just saying.”

Steve chuckled and nuzzled his neck softly. “Well, I aim too please.”

“Well.. you got damn good aim then Rogers.” Bucky replied, his hands in Steve’s hair.. “Cause I am certainly pleased.”

Lifting his head looked down at him dark hair spread out on the pillow, his blue eyes sparkling. That goddamn lip bite of his. He was just begging to be kissed again and Steve was not about to pass that opportunity up. Kissing him again and making sure he did a through job of it too.

\--

Bucky still lay on his back, looking up at the ceiling as Steve lay on his side next to him. He was resting his head on his arm, skating his fingers over Bucky’s chest just watching him. Bucky could feel his look and occasionally turned his head to smile at him. It just felt nice to lay here like this. Sort of in a quiet contemplation. It felt safe to do.

It had been the first time he’d lain on his back the whole damn time and he couldn’t help but wonder, now that he wasn’t in the throws of it any more, if Steve had noticed his issue. If he did, he sure as hell hadn’t said anything. But, it worried Bucky just the same. Because sooner or later he may have to explain it. May have to go into details he didn’t want to. The memories of it, of what they’d done,, like most of them, were fuzzy and fragmented. And he turned his mind from it, not wanting to think about something like that right now, when he was feeling so good in other ways.

“You alright?” asked Steve, as if sensing his thoughts.

“Yeah.” He answered, turning his head back to him. “I’m good, why?”

“You looked far away for a minute there that’s all.”

He tried to think of something, anything, to divert the conversation away from what he’d been thinking of. Turning his mind to conjure up some fuzzy memories of when they were younger. He was still trying to retrieve a lot of these. Funny how the bad stuff came up nice clear, and exactly when he didn’t want them but those good ones took a lot more effort to find. It didn’t seem fair sometimes.

“I was thinking about before the war.” He asked him, scrunching his face a little in an attempt to pull something, anything up clearly. “I’m just.. having a hard time with it.” He turned to his eyes back to him again. “I mean I remember things but, a lot of it’s still missing.”

“It’ll come back Buck.” Steve said softly, his hand now caressing Bucky’s hip. “Just gotta give it time,.”

“I don’t know.. I’m just.” He bit his lip, looking back up at the ceiling. “I’m not sure it will..”

The memories weren’t all he was talking about, not that Steve knew that. But it covered it for him. Covered the worry that he would never be what he was before, in all kinds of ways. The memories of the person he used to be, before all this shit, were like watching a film of someone else’s life. It almost didn’t seem real. Back when he was a confident young man. When he was a whole person, not this broken thing he was now.

How he went from eating hot dogs, riding roller coaster and going to Science Fairs to assasinations in the dead of the night, to this.

“I’m not the same guy I was Steve.” He said with a heavy sigh. “I don’t really know who I am anymore.”

Steve reached over and put his hand on his face, turning it to him. “I Know who you are.” He replied, his voice as soft as his eyes. “Even if you don’t.”

“And what’s that?”

“The person I love more than anything in the world.” Steve answered, laying soft kisses on his face. “The only person who gave a damn about me after my parents were gone. “ He leaned over him a little more, his own blue eyes connecting with Bucky’s again, fingers brushing his hair. “The guy that save my ass more than once when I was too stupid to back away from a fight. You had my back when no one else did. That’s who you are to me.” He kissed him softly. “You’re still him.”

Their lips parted and Bucky stared up at him for an extended time. Still feeling some of that self-doubt and fear as well. What he disappointed him? What if Steve realized that he wasn’t the same person? Saw how much of a mess he was, just how badly they had screwed up his body and mind. Discovered the secrets he still kept close to him. The fact that he seen so much as it is and was still here was unbelievable to him still. He reached his hand up and wrapped his hand around the back of Steve’s neck. Touching him as if he wasn’t sure he was really there, or this was just some horrible trick Hydra had played on his mind, giving him visions of things he wanted but would never be allowed to have.

He was feeling emotional, scared that it would all disappear right in front of him, the way many of his dreams had dissolved right in front of him while in captivity. Leaving him in the cold, brutal dark. And he was terribly afraid that Steve could see this fear in him as well. He felt too open, too exposed.  So he turned it away from there as best he could.

 “Yeah well..I think you’re still kind of an idiot Rogers.” He sassed him, turning the conversation away from the dark. “Thank God your looks make up for it.”

Steve chuckled and brought his lips to Bucky’s neck, nipping it a little. “Is that so?” He purred against his skin, causing him to shiver.

“Yeah you’ve gotten pretty fucking hot.” Bucky replied in a breathy voice, his hands  wrapping the back of Steve’s head, fingers digging into his hair. “It’s the only reason I put up you..”

Bucky knew instinctively that Steve loved it when he was sassy. When he got the look in his eyes. It did things to him and he certainly knew how to play that to his advantage. He looked up at him, his eyes hooded, sticking teasing.ly out between his lips. Letting his thigh slide maddeningly against Steve’s

He felt Steve grind against his a little and he moaned at the feel of him. “The only reason?” He growled in his ear. “You sure about that?”

Oh man he could feel him, ready for him again.  Could feel his hands, sliding over his hips and stroking them as he pulled them against him. And he had that look in his eyes again that Bucky loved. That hungry, predatory one, that said he was about to consume him, and boy did he want that.

“Yeah.. I like that too.” He breathed, twisting around under him. “Now how about you shut the fuck up and give me some more of that. “He turned his head and smirked over his shoulder at him, his eyes gleaming. “Pretty please.”

“Well..” Steve replied, his voice husky and low as back against him again and getting him ready. “Since you asked so politely..” He felt him nipp at his neck, just under his ear. “I might have a little more for you darlin.”

Bucky smiled to himself, his eyes darkening with anticipation. Loving the way Steve said that. “Well momma always told me..” He sassed, turning his head to give him a better angle. “You get more sugar when you say please..”

She’d actually said it, and he actually remembered it, but he forgot all about it again when Steve half growled, and half chuckled in his ear. Proceeding to give him exactly what he asked for.

\--

Steve lay there, with Bucky’s back to his chest, holding him close to him. It was late but he couldn’t sleep, so he just buried in his face in Bucky’s hair and just lost himself in some thought.

He had noticed something off in Bucky, something different in their first time here. His body didn’t exactly react the way he’d expected it to. Yes, it was clear he was getting pleasure out of it, no doubt there but, it was almost like he didn’t release like normal. He hadn’t said anything about it, because it was touchy subject, but sooner or later he would ask. Because something was physically wrong with him. But once again, in the middle of things, it didn’t seem like the right time.

He had no idea of the extent of how they’d hurt him, and he was worried about it. Worried about touching the subject at all. Ginger about approaching it. He had denied abuse of any sexual nature, but Steve didn’t completely believe him on it. There were too many odd behaviors for his comfort. 

Bucky seemed to twitch in his sleep at that moment, pulling Steve out of his thoughts. Bucky’s mind was most likely pulling another horror show out for him to watch and he paid close attention to his body movements. Alert to major changes.

He seemed to murmur some words in Russian that Steve did not understand. Knowing he’d have to remember these and try to decipher it but for now he just got up on his elbow, keeping an arm around him as he started to shake a little.

Suddenly he seemed to tear himself away from Steve’s arms and turned, crouching on all fours. His eyes were open, but once again not really awake. They seemed to stare through Steve as he watched him carefully. Those blue eyes, registering fear and mistrust. Almost crouched like a defensive animal.

“It’s okay.” He said softly, watching his eyes shift Steve’s hands watchfully. “I’m not gonna hurt you.”

He watched as Bucky sat back on his feet, still staring at him in that unsettling way. He wasn’t sure if it was in fact Bucky either. It was hard to tell tonight. And even if it was, he wasn’t really here. He was somewhere else. Some other place and time.

Steve continued to watch him carefully, both of them staring at each other in the low lit room. He didn’t make a move to touch him or wake him, just waited him out. He didn’t know what this was this time. Just a stage of waiting.

“Bucky?” He asked softly after a long while, keeping eye contact. “You want to lay down yet?”

His expression seemed to change subtly, and now it was definitely him. A not fully awake him, he had that hazy, unfocused look of someone just coming up from a dream. “Steve?” He asked, his voice confused, maybe even a little scared. “Is that.. you?”

“Yes.” He said, sitting up and putting his hand on his face. “It’s me..come back to bed.”

“It’s dark in here.” Bucky said in that same confused voice. “It’so cold.”

He was shivering like it was cold, even though it was very warm in the room. Steve realized he was still the dream. He still wasn’t really here. He carefully wrapped his arms around him, and Bucky barely reacted to this, his arms still sitting at his side, his eyes almost vacant. Steve held him there for a moment like that and then pulled the blanket up over his shoulders.

“There you go.” He whispered to him, brushing his hair with his fingers. “Gonna warm you  up.”

Steve could see his eyes still looking at him as if he didn’t believe he was there. He didn’t know where he was, but it was not here. He pulled him back into his arms again and laid down with him, wrapping him up tightly and trying to keep him as warm as possible.

“You here.” Bucky said in a small quiet voice, curling his large body against Steve’s. “You’re really here.”

“Yes I am.” He whispered to him and kissed his head softly. “I got you.”

Steve felt him settle in his arms again, wrapping his arm around his waist tightly as if afraid to let go. “Don’t go away.” He asked in that same voice. “Please.”

He didn’t know what this dream was about, but it was clear he was still in it. And he was going to do his best to comfort him like he always did. “I’m not going anywhere.” He whispered to him. “Go to sleep.”

Finally, he settled completely, snuggled in his arms and Steve was able to relax himself and eventually fall asleep himself, holding him tightly against anymore nightmares.

\--

Bucky woke up early, his face buried in his chest. For once it wasn’t a nightmare that woke him, at least none he could recall, but the light coming in through the shade. He turned away from the light, nuzzling his face against Steve. He felt pleasurably sore and smiled to himself thinking of the night before.

They hadn’t even unpacked. In fact, he was sure most of their stuff was still in the car. They were just in such a hurry to get in and get their hands on each other they’d just simply forgot. And he felt absolutely no urge to move at all. Steve always made a very comfortable pillow.  He ran his hand lazily up and down his waist, feeling the rise and fall of his breathing and his heartbeat through his chest. Thinking to himself again that was way more than he deserved but he would take it, because he couldn’t imagine being without it.

He nuzzled Steve’s neck softly, letting his lips trail over his skin and nipping it a little, feeling Steve stir a tiny bit underneath and smiled again, letting his hand trail down over his hip and then eastward, working him as he slept. Doing this with the metal hand felt strange but exotic at the same time. The vibranium gave him a sense of touch that made his previous arm look archaic by default. He could feel the skin and its warmth, could feel it hardening a little under his palm and felt emboldened by this.

He laid kisses on his chest, moving slowly over it with his lips, all the while working him with his hand. He could feel Steve waking up and smiled against his skin. He wanted to give something back after everything and he could think of no better way to officially start this vacation by waking him with this gift.

Sliding his other hand over Steve’s thigh he moved down his stomach and this point could tell Steve was half-awake now. “Buck?” He said groggily, a little moan in his voice. “What..”

“Sssh.” Bucky replied, getting closer now. “It’s my turn..”

He felt Steve’s hand find his head, his fingers running through his hair as he moaned softly. Finally getting to his target Bucky wrapped his hands around Steve’s thighs and looked up at him for a moment before lowering his head and taking him into his mouth and felt himself groan at the way this felt.

It had been so long since he’d done this, but he hadn’t forgotten how he liked it and slowly worked him with his tongue, swirling it around and taking him deeper in.  He was large, but this was no deterrent to him in the slightest. In fact, he reveled in it. And the truth was he’d never done this with anyone but Steve and felt no desire to.  Steve was the only one he loved and that’s why it gave him so much pleasure to finally give back to him like this.

He loved the way his fingers felt in his hair, even pulling it a little roughly as he pleasured him and moved his hands around, tightening them around his ass even letting his fingers explore a bit, sliding them in a little, which only caused Steve’s hips to buck against him even more until finally he could hold it any more and spilled into him. And Bucky was more than happy to take care of that too.

When he was done, he climbed back to Steve and leaned over him with a devilish smile. “Good morning doll..” He said saucily, brushing lips over his.

He felt Steve’s hands aggressively grab his ass hard as he craned his head to kiss him thoroughly. Bucky smiled into the kiss, knowing that would leave more finger marks on his thighs and loving the idea of it. He smiled even broader when Steve flipped onto his back, pressing him into the bed again with his strong body. All the while never breaking their kiss.

He was starting to like this on his back thing quite a bit these days, was having a bit of fun with it. Even though the back of his mind worried, he was getting lost in it again.

When the finally did, Bucky looked up into his blue eyes and just took a moment to appreciate him. People had this idea of him being this goody two shoes type, but he was a lot more than that. They’d never this viral, almost predatory look he got in bed, and Bucky was thrilled that he was the only who truly saw his whole being. And loved all of it. Every part. He was just… perfect.

“That’s how it’s gonna be huh?” He asked huskily, grinding his hips slightly against Bucky’s. “I like it.”

“I thought you might punk.” Bucky said with a glint in his eyes, his arms spread out on the bed. “Besides I owed you for last night.”

“Is that so?” Steve replied, attacking Bucky’s already tender neck deliciously, causing him to moan softly. “Well… I’m not done..”

He bit down again, and Bucky yelped in pleasure. Thinking those hickeys and marks might be permanent.  But he wasn’t complaining. He was all his and unlike other marks he’d received over the years, these were marks of love and glorious pleasure. He was enthralled, his arms still laying at his side, being totally submissive.  Being ravished and marked by his lover was a beautiful thing and he just craved it now.

“Well in that case..” He breathed into his ear as Steve’s thighs pushed apart his again. “Shut the fuck up and finish it…”

Steve growled and bit down again, his hands gripping Bucky’s tightly, and pushed hard into him. The triple sensation causing to moan thickly and finally move his hands, wrapping them around his shoulders and sliding them into his hair. And barely a pause before moving hard against him, pushing his legs further back.

He had to admit, morning sex was pretty damn good. Great even. It was wonderful to be alive that was for sure.

\--

They finally got out of the cabin to take in the air and the scenery, and it was quite beautiful. The rolling lands and mountains. The farms in the distance. And the quiet. It was quiet and peaceful.

Steve looked over Bucky, who seemed to be appreciating the view himself. And he took time to appreciate him at that moment. Wearing jeans and a jacket, his hair loosely tied back away from his face. The wind blew the remaining hair around his face and Steve could see his clear almost aquamarine colored eyes. His jawline, almost perfect and those beautiful lips as well. He looked the same, but different as well. His face had shadows crossing it, unlike when he was younger and they’d first known each other, when that face was clear and strong and full of promise for the future.  Before he had been broken and put back together again in a new way. Maybe even stronger in the broken places.

He had always been good looking but now he was beautiful in a way that hurt Steve’s heart. The kind that comes from suffering. And the strength it took to survive it.

Some things were more beautiful having been broken. He’d heard that somewhere before. Whoever said it, Bucky was the living embodiment of it.

And he could also see a couple of the marks he’d left, peeking over the collar of his jacket. Which made him smile in memory of that. And Bucky seemed to see him doing that and side-eyed him. “What are you smiling at?” He asked, turning away from the scenery to look at him.

“What do you think dumbass?” He asked with a knowing smile. “I’m enjoying the view.”

“You’re a punk.” Bucky said as he walked over, sliding his arms around him. “You know that?”

“Yeah.” Steve answered, wrapping his hand around the back of his head. “But you love me.”

“Unfortunately, yes.” Bucky replied, leaning in to kiss him. “I do.”

They took a moment on top of the hill and Steve could feel the wind blowing Bucky’s hair around his fingers as he kissed him. Thinking this was a great idea, to get him away for a while. He knew chances were good that a relapse would occur but today was a pretty good day. A step along the way he hoped.

“I’m glad you do.” He whispered, pulling his lips away and leaning his forehead against his. “Because I love the hell out of you.”

“Yeah.” Bucky said with a soft chuckle. “You are kind of stupid like that.”

“How does that make me stupid?”

He felt Bucky’s fingers on his cheek, stroking them softly. “Because if you were smart you’d stay the hell away from me..” He said with a sigh, his eyes still closed.

“Well.” Steve replied, running his hands softly over his back. “I guess I’m stupid then.” He brushed his lips over his softly. “Because I can’t stay away.”

Bucky opened his eyes and he saw that haunted look again. The fear, the pain there. It always seemed to fill his eyes whenever Steve said something like this. Like he didn’t deserve it or something. Seeing himself as a monster still. Something that should be shunned. If he had to spend the rest of his life doing it he was going to show him otherwise.

“You’re definitely fucked then.” He finally said, still holding his, almost like a lifeline.

“I am.” Told him. “And I’m okay with that.”

He kissed him again, Bucky’s hands on his face this time, the subtle differences between his hands just sort of adding to it. Smooth, strangely warm metal, and flesh, cooled by the breeze. He pulled him closer and their tongues met softly through their open mouths. Bucky’s hair blew around both their faces again, tickling Steve’s and neither of them cared.

Pulling away he felt Bucky’s arms go around his neck as he nuzzled his shoulder. Steve pressed his hand into the back of his head, wrapping his other arm around his waist. “Is that the lake?” Bucky asked with his lips pressed into his shoulder. 

Steve turned his head slightly with his arms still around him. “Yes it is.”

“It’s nice.” Bucky whispered softly, burying his face against his shoulder now. “This is nice.”

“Yeah.” He said into his hair, rubbing his back a little. “It is.”

They were all simple words but, in a way they were large. Because it was nice. It was soothing, comforting to be up here in the mountains. Near the water. The air was different. Clearer. And he knew it was in its own way, helping him. Clearing the cobwebs. Bringing things to surface so he could deal with them. Because it was the only way to move past it he knew. Dealing with it.

“I’m sorry Steve.” He heard him murmur into his shoulder.

“For what?”

“That I’m such a mess.” Bucky said, his voice barely audible. “You deserve better.”

“That’s not up to you.” He said adamantly. “So stop apologizing.”

He felt Bucky nod and just continue to hug him as they stood there. Not moving for a while.

After a while, he pulled back from Steve, his hands resting on Steve’s. He looked in his eyes, as if coming to a decision at that moment. “There’s some.. things.. we need to talk about.” He said softly, biting his lip nervously.

“Are you sure?” He asked, his hand on his face searching his troubled eyes. “Because you don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

“I think it’s time.” Bucky replied quietly, looking toward the lake with that far away look again. “lets take a walk.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I chose Lake George as a location because it is in upstate New York and it quite beautiful, there are mountain and woods and beaches and boats and shit. It's a very serene location and I thought it would be a good backdrop for the middle part of this fic. 
> 
> I love the scene in the car to be honest, I just thought it was cute to let them have a moment like that. Bucky’s actually having a decent day for once. But he’s got stuff on his mind which will commence in the next chapter. 
> 
> There is an actual condition called REM Behavior Disorder in which a person physically acts out their dreams, which is said can be dangerous for them and their sleeping partner. Especially if they have violent dreams. Which Bucky does have so I thought it was interesting that I wrote this before finding out that this condition that actually does exist. So as you can see he’s acting out some of his dreams. And he is obviously not aware he’s doing it and has no recollection of it. He will find out sooner or later though. 
> 
> Any guess as to what he's dreaming about in this one? Me as a writer and you as a reader are looking at it through Steve's eyes and that allows for speculation because Bucky ain't talking lol. 
> 
> (and I do tend to leave out certain details in some of my scenes because the readers imagination is much more interesting that my own) 
> 
> Next chapter teaser, Bucky will make a painful confession. Won't be the last one either just a warning.


	4. Things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter does contain some traumatic memories just a warning. Will go into further detail in end comments. 
> 
> (I have 'rough drafts' up to Chapter 7 right now so the updates for now are going be quicker can't guarantee it'll always be that way though. )

They had made it down to the lake and were sitting by it, their legs bent on either side of each other. Bucky’s over Steve’s. He could feel Steve’s hands running up and down them as they sat there quietly for a little bit. They were up on a hill next to the lake, a nice grassy spot that gave a beautiful view of the whole damn thing. There were a few boats in the water, causing ripples that caused waves that lapped against the rocks nearby.

It was actually pretty nice day for fall. Not a cloud in the sky. But there weren’t a ton of people here today and Bucky was fine with that. Crowds weren’t really his thing. Not yet at least. He leaned forward, his forehead laying against Steve’s, just continuing to take the place in. The air, the water, the cloudless sky. It was peaceful and it allowed him to think in a calm way.

“What’s on your mind?” Steve asked, lifting his hand from Bucky’s leg to brush a stray strand of hair off him.

The tenderness of that gesture never ceased to undo him a little. Steve had been so soft with him. So patient and he didn’t have close to all the information. He’d been holding back on critical things. Unable to deal with them. Kept trying to lose himself in Steve and the love he felt for him.

But things were bubbling to the surface and it was getting harder and to hide them now.

“Just things.” He told him. “It’s all jumbled in my head and it’s.. kind of a mess.”

“Then maybe I can help you with that.” Steve suggested, his hands running over Bucky’s thighs again. “Sort it out I mean.”

Bucky smiled, his hand on Steve’s face. “You already help me.”

“Let me help you more.” He whispered. “Just.. talk to me.”

He wanted to. He wanted to spill everything but at the same time he was scared. Scared to let it out. Scared to let him in too much. Scared of what Steve would think of him. It was such terrible confusion and he just wanted to shut it out. But knew sooner or later it would come out.

All the ugly stuff.

Things he’d done. Things that had been done to him.  If he knew..

“What good is that gonna do?” He asked, feeling a little defensive. “It’s not gonna fix anything.”

Steve’s hand reached up and brush that errant strand of hair back again. “It’s not about fixing it Buck.” He said softly. “Sometimes you just got to get it out.”

His hands returned to that soothing rub on his thighs. Bucky could feel it through his jeans. The warmth of his hands. Undoing him again. Making him want to say so many things. But he was locked up too. Memories of murder and death. Blood and pain. It filled his head almost constantly, except in the moments when they were in it deep and all he could feel was Steve. Sometimes even in the moments after, when they would just lay together. In the moments when they would laugh and give each other shit like the old days. It always came back though. Little things would always remind him. Remind of what he was.

He knew they were called triggers and he had a lot of them. And discovered new ones all the time. Along with new memories of horrors he’d wished he hadn’t remembered. It was the curse of the healing. The fragments realigning and showing him the whole, horrible picture.

And there was Steve, so patient with him. Dealing with all the erraticness of it. There were things he’s was terrified of saying to him. He knew it was irrational. He knew Steve would love him no matter what but there was that part of him that believed otherwise. The part that carried all the fear and self-loathing.

“There’s things.” He said softly, closing his eyes, laying his head a little more against his. “I just.. don’t know how to say that’s all.”

“I know I asked you before..” Steve said, lifting his hands to Bucky’s face. “If they hurt you a certain way.. and you said no but.” His thumbs moved over his cheeks tenderly. “But that wasn’t true was it?”

And there it was. Bucky pinched his face, wondering when he was finally going to ask again.  And now he knew. Finally, it had come, and he was terrified to answer it. And knew Steve would sniff out any kind of lie. He was stuck with either being honest and running. And he couldn’t run. Not anymore. He didn’t have energy even if he wanted to.

“No.” He admitted, taking a shaky breath. “It wasn’t.”

He could see Steve’s eyes when he lifted his. Filled with love and concern. He deserved an answer. A real one. The wind blew Bucky’s hair around his face a little and he realized this was the perfect place for a confession. The air was clear. Untainted. Safe.

“Tell me.” Steve asked, leaning his forehead against his. “Please Buck.. just let me in.’

He moved his eyes to the side, searching his memory, finding that painful box he’d closed up tight in his head, finally letting himself look inside it. Seeing that small, cold cell he was kept in after his.. modifications, for what seemed like an eternity. Leaning up against the wall in the corner of it farthest from the door. Feeling the cold concrete against his bare skin.

“I didn’t.. have any clothes sometimes. Not at first.” He confessed, his eyes turned away, watching a boat move across the lake. “Sometimes when I was moved or.. conditioned.. I was.. touched..” He darted his eyes back to Steve’s “Sometimes it hurt, sometimes it was just.. uncomfortable.”  

He realized that word might have been an understatement. But he just couldn’t express how it felt to be manhandled in such a way. How terribly filthy it had made him feel. He could take being hit, having bones broken but this. This was different. He could still feel their hands, some more handsy or brutal than others, and those were the worst. They did.. other things that were on edge of his memory. Things that his mind would not go to yet. He had memories of being hurt and barely wearing anything at all. And then of sitting awake in the dark, nursing physical and emotional wounds, unable to or unallowed to sleep.  Of losing touch with reality after a while. Alternating between being afraid of the door opening and afraid it would never open again.

Bucky had not been sure which was worse. His captors and their hands and weapons. Or the things that came to him in the dark when he was alone.

He put his hands on Steve’s knees, grabbing them to ground himself in the present, because the past felt very close now.

“They did hurt you like that.” He heard Steve say with some anger in his voice. “I’m sorry Buck.”

Bucky met his eyes painfully, knowing it was far worse than just touching. He had to come to meat of it. To what had been on his mind. The big thing. “They did worse.” He admitted, shifting his eyes away again, looking down at the grass in between them. “They.. altered things, changed my body.. they never asked. Just did what they wanted.”

“I know they did.” Steve said softly, his hand back on Bucky’s face. His thumb ran over his cheek, causing him to close his eyes again. “I know what they did to you.”

“No you don’t. “ He replied, swallowing hard. “Not all of it.”

Steve lifted his chin with his hand and Bucky opened his eyes again, trying to shirk away from it. Still wanting to hide. “Tell me.” He whispered to him. “Please.”

He took a deep breath, his hands holding onto Steve’s, keeping contact for support. For strength. “Thy had a.. a protocol. A way to.. ensure focus. Direct energy in the.. right place.” He said, trembling a little. “So they did something..”

He had screamed when they gave him the serum. When they sawed what was left of his arm off. When they were digging into his shoulder and put the new one on. The pain as he body changed was excruciating. And whatever they had done to him there had caused him scream too. Feeling hands in places they had no right to touch.

Bucky didn’t know what they’d done to him, the memory was, thankfully still very foggy.  But he hadn’t been the same since. Hadn’t felt the same.

Steve’s hands held his face. “What did they do?”

He was stuck. He didn’t know how to even say it. It should be easier to talk someone he’d been so intimate with, but it wasn’t. He was blocked. Fearful of explaining. Of what he would think if he knew. Hell, he wasn’t a hundred percent sure what they’d exactly done. Just knew he had a very critical malfunction that had changed things. And he was scared it was irreversible.

“I don’t know what they did exactly but.” He replied, feeling him go almost numb as he tried to force it, almost detaching himself from it.  out. “I can’t… fuck like I used to and I don’t know why.” 

\--

Steve looked at him for a moment, seeing the emotional shutdown and hearing the words. Confusion dawning into understanding of exactly what he just said.

“They what?” He asked, lifting his face a little to look at him. His were blank. “Buck?”

“It never gets hard.” He said in that same, toneless way. “I can’t get any relief.” Only a slight tick in face indicated any kind of emotion at all. “They wanted me focused on other things I guess.”

Steve closed his eyes, things falling into place now for him. It was why he never wanted him to touch him there. They had done something to him. Channeling energy and behavior in the right direction. Focusing it by taking away certain aspects of your sex drive. It horrified and angered him. Broke his heart in a way he didn’t think could.  And the way that Bucky was staring off into nothing was even worse. Did he actually remember them doing whatever they did? And was it physical or mental? He wasn’t even sure Bucky even knew to be honest. All he knew was they did something.

“Bucky?” He said, a desperate tone in his voice. “Look at me.”  He stroked his hair. “Please.”

His eyes flicked back to Steve’s and he could see in the deep recesses of them, exquisite pain. He had disconnected himself directly from it because it was just too much for him to deal with. How was he supposed to? With all the other horrors they’d inflicted on him. All the other violations against his mind and body. And forcing him to do horrible things that he hated himself for. Steve was so angry for him because the worst part was, Bucky himself didn’t seem to be.

He was just hurt, guilty and in pain. That’s what they’d left him with.

“Bucky?” He whispered again, holding his head to his, trying pull him back. “Don’t do this.”

“I told you.” He heard him reply, a slight tremble in his voice. “I’m a freak.”

“Don’t.” He told him. “Don’t say that.”

“It’s true.” He said adamantly. “I can’t even.. do that..” His eyes locked into Steve’s. “I’m sorry.”

Steve stroked his hair softly. “Buck..”

“It feels so good when we.. when you..” He stammered to him, his eyes filling up. “And I can’t.. do the same for you.. and I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t you apologize dammit!” He told him, his voice adamant. “This is not your fault. It was never was.”

“But I can’t..”

He wondered if he actually thought that Steve wouldn’t want him if he knew this. He knew they’d screwed with his head so much he might believe anything really. But the truth was, even with this it didn’t matter. Maybe the dynamic had changed with them, but it didn’t change a goddamn thing in Steve’s mind.

“Listen to me.” He said to Bucky again, keeping their eyes locked. “You are the only one I want. This changes nothing you hear me?” He leaned his head against him more. “Nothing at all.”

He could see the doubt and disbelief in Bucky’s eyes, and it hurt like hell. He vowed he was going to spend the rest of his damn life proving that nothing had changed at all. That he loved him no matter what.

“Steve..” He heard him whisper, his voice quiet, broken.

“I love you Buck.” He told him. “I love you so damn much.”

Still holding his face kissed him softly, feeling the wind blow his hair around his fingers. Bucky seemed slightly resistant at first to it. Hesitant. His hands rested on Steve’s legs and he could feel him trembling as they kissed softly. Then he felt his hands tentatively loop around his neck and he let it happen, leaning into it needfully.

When their lips part Bucky buried his face into Steve’s shoulder, shaking as if cold. Steve wrapped his arms around him and kissed his head softly. “I love you too.” He whispered into Steve’s neck, his voice raspy with emotion. It was the first time he’d said that in a long time.

He just wanted to take him back to the cabin and love him until he forgot about everything.

“Let’s go back inside.” He said softly to Bucky. “Just.. let me take care of you.”

He felt Bucky nod against his shoulder but seemed in no hurry to move so they just sat there for a little bit longer, listening the water lap against the shore softly.

\--

Bucky sat heavily on the bed, feeling tired and lost. He never knew talking could take so much out of him. But he supposed it was the cumulative effect of everything. Not the years so much but the mileage. Especially when carrying such heavy weight for so long.  So, he sat with his hands between his legs just looking into nothing.

Steve hunkered down in front of him, and just watched him quietly. Bucky eventually raised his eyes to look at him and thought to himself how damn near perfect he was. Intristically he knew no one was perfect but compared to himself, Steve was a goddamn angel. And he sure as hell didn’t deserve him.

“You okay?”

Bucky gave him a half smile. “I feel like you ask me that a lot.” He mused.

“It’s because I do.” Steve replied smiling back a little. “Are you?”

“You want me to be honest?”

“Yeah.” He said, reaching a hand out to push that errant strand of hair away from Bucky’s eyes, the one that always seemed to come loose. Which caused them to flflutter a little at the soft touch. “I always do.”

“I’m not.” He admitted, looking down. “Haven’t been for a while.”

“I know you haven’t.”

He looked back up, knowing he shouldn’t be surprised by that answer. Most of the time Steve asked him he lied and said he was, but he knew Steve knew he was lying. Why wouldn’t he? He knew him better than anyone really.

“Its too much.” He said with a heavy sigh, his hands folded together between his legs, which were hanging over the end of the bed. “What I remember, what I don’t.” he looked down. “Things I did.”

“And the things that were done to you.” Steve added. “Don’t forget that.”

Bucky nodded, acknowledging it. “There’s so much.. too much information and I just.” His face pinched and recollection. “I just can’t sometimes.. I just gotta shut it off.. “

“I wish I could help you with that.” Steve admitted, his hand on Bucky’s leg, softly rubbing it. “Take it away.”

He looked at Steve steadily. “You do.” He told him. “You’re my only peace Steve.”

Steve stood up and stepped between his legs, putting his hands on Bucky’s face as he looked up at him. Bucky put his hands on his waist and buried his face in Steve’s stomach, nuzzling the warm patch of skin where his shirt pulled up. He could feel Steve’s hands stroking his hair and took a deep shuddering breath.

“I’ll be whatever you need me to be.” He heard him say quietly. “That’s a promise.”

Bucky looked up at him and watched as Steve bent down, his hands on his face and kissed him. He rose slightly himself allowing Steve to lay him back on the bed.  His hands wrapped around him and pushed Steve’s shirt up a little as they kissed. He knew he just, needed him right now, needed his touch, and Steve knew that too.

Their lips part and Bucky watched as Steve unbuttoned his shirt, feeling his fingers touch his skin every time he undid a button. He brought his lips to Bucky’s neck and collarbone as he did this Bucky closed his eyes, his own hand wrapping around the back of Steve’s head, sighing softly.

He was going slowly, softly and that was fine with Bucky. Their lips found each other again as Steve pulled off Bucky’s now open shirt and tossed it aside. And Bucky hooked his own fingers in Steve’s shirt and pulled it over his head as well, wanting to touch him too. Feeling the definition of his muscles under his fingers. The metal ones skimmed over his pec and traced the chiseled lines on his abdomen while they continued to kiss languidly, their tongues softly wrapped around each other.

Slowly they removed the rest of their clothes, in no hurry. There was no rush. He just wanted the closeness. The soft touches and caresses that pushed away all his doubts about himself. Steve’s lips were on his stomach, his hands kneading his thighs softly. Inner, outer, back around again. He felt that slight tense up as he got a little lower and Steve lifted his head.

“Just let me.” He asked him softly. “It’s okay.”

“It’s not gonna work.” He replied, his voice breaking a little. “They.. messed me up.”

“I know.” He kissed his stomach again. “but I want to.. “

He felt the fear and shame of it but saw Steve’s eyes, so soft and full of love, and finally relented. “Oaky.”

He felt Steve’s hand slide over him at this aquiessence  and drew a sharp breath. The skin was still sensitive, and his hand felt so good. So strong, so soft. Feeling him explore it a little, and Bucky jerked just a little in memory of their hands on hi. Of the pain that occurred that he’d blocked out for so long. It was thankfully foggy and not in focus, and that was a blessing.

“It’s okay Buck.” He heard Steve say, stroking that area softly. “It’s alright.”

He put his lips softly on him and Bucky moaned softly. It was soothing to feel this. Even if he may never be able to get it to react the way it used to, the feeling of Steve touching and kissing him there was beautiful, pleasurable. Taking back a part of himself they’d taken away from him. He left his lips there, between Bucky’s trembling legs and slid his fingers inside him softly, slowly.

Bucky moaned again and slid his metal fingers into Steve’s hair as he slowly worked him below. Moving his lips down and sliding his tongue in as well, pleasuring him. He was so lost he didn’t even notice that his legs had ended up over Steve’s shoulders. His fingers flexed into the sheets of the bed, his eyes rolling in his head at the intensity of the pleasure that rolled through his body.

There was never problem with this part thankfully.

When he finally released him, his slid back up his body and took his lips again in a deep kiss. Steve’s strong muscular tights pushed Bucky’s equally muscular ones apart and their lips pulled apart so he could look in his eyes. Bucky looked up at him, his hand wrapped around his head, feeling so much emotion at the moment, it was almost overwhelming.  Moaning softly as he felt him slowly slide into him.

Steve rocked softly against him and his tender, already marked neck was chewed again and he didn’t care. Because this was a good kind of pain. It was a marking of type. Each time a mark was left, each time he was touched, each time they made love he took a little more of his body back. And a lot of his mind too. Because his memories of Steve became clearer, pushing aside the horror to find the good.

Slow. Tender. Perfect.

Everything he needed right now. He held on, willing it last as long as possible.

\--

Steve lay on his side, holding a dozing Bucky in his arms. He traced the purple marks he left on his neck and kissed them softly and trailed his hands over the finger marks on his hip as well. Not signs of abuse but signs of love. Intense love. His longish hair was tossled and he brushed some of that back before  resuming some of his soft kissing and touching. He watched his eyelids flutter as he slept, these lips of his parting every so often. He looked beautiful to him in this moment.

He could do this all day to be honest. Just holding and touching and kissing him. Making him feel safe.

Steve was angry about what he’d heard today. About what they’d done and made him think of himself a result. And he knew he didn’t even know the half of it either. He wanted to lay waste to anyone who’d ever laid on hand on Bucky like that. Even if those people weren’t around anymore he wanted to pull them out of hell and kill them again.

But that anger did Bucky no good right now. Right now he needed comfort and reassurance.

He’d finally been able to touch all of him now. Every part. To be allowed to after what they’d done was a miracle in itself. And far as he could tell there was nothing physically wrong with him there. Nothing felt different or abnormal and Steve was beginning to wonder if it was not something mental, painfully implanted in his mind. Just like all the other things they’d planted in his head. A mental block confused with his memories of the abuse. Maybe it was just a matter of unlocking something in him. But he wasn’t going to push that either. He wasn’t quite ready for that yet.

Steve was just going to try and show him there was nothing wrong with him at all. And maybe something would come from that.

Bucky seemed to snuggle against him a little more, his face nuzzling his collarbone. His feet in between Steve’s. It was perfect.

Yup he could stay right here with him just like this forever if he was allowed to.

“Steve?” He heard him whisper sleepily.

“Yeah?”

He felt him nuzzled his neck now, his lips brushing his skin softly. “We can stay a while right?” He asked softly. “Up here I mean.”

“Sure we can.”

“Good.” Bucky whispered, his hand sliding over Steve’s back lazily. “I like it here.”

Steve buried his face in Bucky’s hair and smiled. “Yeah me too.”

He felt himself drifting off. It was easy to do around here. It was so quiet. And he was tired himself. Lots of missions and personal stress. He thought this was a great place for them to hole up and heal. For Bucky to heal. He needed the quiet too.

He fell asleep thinking about it, both of them wrapped contentedly in each other’s arms.

\--

_Waking up. Cold. Right to the bone._

_Hands pulling at him, not gentle. His eyes barely open. Ice in his hair. On his face. The slow warm up of the body. The brain, beginning to fire impulses back into his brain. Thoughts. Memories. Things that no longer made sense._

_The man screaming a name as he fell. “Bucky!” That name sounded familiar but he couldn’t’ find it. The man, vaguely resembling a boy that that plague his dreams with a sense of love an familiarity that didn’t match the place he was._

_He was being dragged along, barely able to register anything._

_Dropped in a chair. Strapped in._

_The thoughts coming into his mind. Don’t forget. Don’t forget._

_Laying back, the wheel spinning over his head. Coming done. He knew what was next. Instinctively, his hands flexing on the chair arms like so many times before. Feeling it coming down on his head._

_And he was screaming before it even started. Before the blue light of the electricity flowed through his head, obliterating the memory before it had a chance to grow._

_Oh der God how did he ever remember this?_

_Then, as if warped he was on that road. On the bike. The car, crashing into the tree and then.._

He woke up, stifling a scream, trying to control his reaction to it as to not wake up Steve. He needed his sleep as well.

Bucky sat up, putting his hands to his head and trying to calm his shaking body. It wasn’t as if he was cold, he’d pulled on some clothes earlier, they both had. It was just aftereffects from the nightmare. Where he’d strangled that woman. Howard’s wife. Tony’s mother. He could still feel her dying pulse under his hand and it made him shake and feel like throwing up.

He moved the covers aside and softly as possible and went to the bathroom. It was a rather large one, bigger than Steve’s at home. He turned the water on in the sink, not so much to use it but to cover the sounds he would be shortly making.

_“Howard..” He heard her voice as he walked around to the other side of the car. Scared and in pain._

_He wrapped his hand, his flesh hand around her neck. And squeezed._

_It had to look like an accident. No witnesses_.

He felt it rise in him and bent over the toilet and promptly threw up his dinner. All of it. Feeling the requisite headache that came with it. The taste of bile as he dry-heave a few times, his hair hanging limply around his face. He hung his head over the seat, feeling like shit on a stick and all kinds of other things.

_Do you even remember them?_

_I remember all of them.._

But that had been a lie. Truth is he’d given up then. Because it was easier to just say that than to acknowledge his own truth. It was what the man had wanted to hear, and he had every right to want to hurt him. To kill him. And Bucky had almost let him. If it hadn’t been for Steve that was.

But it was falling all over him now. Everything.

The fall. The operations. The torture and abuse. The killings. Trials, sanity hearings. The hospital. All of it.

Back in Brooklyn, from what he could remember of it that was, he’d never in his whole life then imagined the horrors that would come. There was so much of it. The bits and pieces he could remember coming together to form a terrifying picture of himself.  Broken, rebuilt into a killing machine. Freed and broken again. His memories jagged pieces fitting together. And pulling him apart.

He stood up and took some of the running water, splashing it on his face and looked at himself in the mirror. Staring into his refection. One again seeing the Winter Soldier in it. There was blood on him. His eyes were icy and cold staring back at him. It seemed like he couldn’t make him go away. Could only push him back for so long. He was exhausted by it.

It wasn’t just other peoples blood he was seeing on the vision of the Soldier. But his own as well. From his head, his mouth, his shoulder. Abuses he couldn’t even bring himself to think about yet. Wounds that hadn’t healed. Some that he was only becoming aware of now.

He leaned over the sink, feeling the pain and the exhaustion. The shivers of cold that seemed to be in his bones and would never leave him. Part of him forever trapped in Siberia.

Gathering himself finally he turned the water off and left the bathroom, quietly making his way back to the bed. He got into carefully, trying not wake Steve and crawled back into his arms again, pulling one of them around him along with the blanket. Trying to get warm. To back to that place again. He nuzzled his face into Steve’s shoulder and tucked his feet between his legs and closed his eyes.  He felt Steve shift and tighten his arm around him, and he began to relax.

“Buck?” He heard him whisper against his head. “You okay?”

“I’m alright.” He replied, snuggling a little more into him. “I’m just cold.”

He felt Steve’s hand on his back, rubbing it softly and he let him soothe him back into sleep. Finally feeling warmth coming back into his body again.

\--

He barely remembered Bucky getting out of bed earlier, had been half asleep. Barely remembered him getting back either. It felt like a dream itself. But later on when he screamed. He certainly remembered that.

It woke him from a sound sleep along with Bucky struggling and backing up against the headboard. Steve could feel him kicking and thrashing, screams fading into painful whimpers. He sat up himself and saw Bucky with horrified eyes, his back straight against the headboard, seemingly looking at nothing again.

“Buck.” He said, reaching his hand out. “It’s okay.”

Bucky seemed to reflexively bat the hand away from him, looking terrified. Steve was not put off by this, he’d been nearly decked before during these. He grabbed his arms, restraining him as he kicked, screaming again. It was a terrible sound. The sound of being hurt.

“Ssssh..” He whispered to him, leaning close. “Your safe.”

Bucky physically pushed back, pushing Steve off and kicking a little with his legs. “No.” He whimpered, backing up more against the headboard. “Don’t.”

His eyes were terrified and mistrustful. They were darting around watchfully, both his hands flat against the back of the bed. Like he was trapped. It frightening sometimes how much he looked like he was wide awake when he was actually not. Whatever he was dreaming about at this moment, he was terrified of it.

Steve always wanted to wake him from these nightmares but knew he couldn’t. That it wasn’t safe to do.  “Buck.” He whispered. “It’s okay.”

“Leave me alone!” He snapped, scuttling further away from Steve. “I don’t want to.”

He went to reach for him and Bucky flinched away from him. “What do they want you to do?” He asked carefully, getting close but not too close.

Bucky didn’t answer right away, just continued to look terrified, his eyes wide and watchful. “Don’t make me.” He seem to stammer, his lip trembling as his head fell back against the headboard. “Please.”

Steve reached for him again, carefully. “You don’t have.” He reassured him, not knowing what he was talking about but trying to comfort him just the same.

The minute his fingers brushed Bucky’s face, his metal arm shot out and grabbed Steve’s wrist hard. His eyes went from terrified to icy, with a hard set to his jaw. He recognized the look immediately and was careful not make any threatening moves. The grip was painful on his wrist , but not as hard he could’ve grabbed him. It was a warning.

“I’m not gonna hurt him.” He said, looking him the eyes. “I want to help him.”

The Winter Soldier just glared at him, the warning in his eyes as well. It was starting to make some sense to him now why he was coming out like this. It was like was protecting Bucky now. From the things he still couldn’t deal with. So he did his best to not antagonize. To not push any further.

Suddenly the grip on his wrist loosened and he let go. Steve pulled it away, thinking it probably wouldn’t leave a mark. He hoped it wouldn’t at a least. And when he looked back up Bucky’s body seemed to slump against the headboard. Back to sleep. Very carefully put his hands on his shoulders and pulled him back into his arms again, feeling his limp body fall against him. He just held him for a moment, stroking his hair comfortingly.

“I love you. “He whispered softly to him, not knowing if he could hear him but always, feeling the need to tell him anyways.

He laid him back down and found the disheveled covers to pull over him again. He wrapped Bucky up in his arms and closed his eyes, holding him close. In his sleep, Bucky seemed to tuck his feet in between Steve’s legs and unconsciously snuggle closer. He was very deep in sleep, but finally still at least.

Steve closed his eyes, thinking once again, he wasn’t getting a lot of sleep these days. But there was no way Bucky was going to know that yet.

And yet again he didn’t sleep for a long while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few notes:  
> What Bucky remembers about what happened to him in the early is extremely choppy and subjective, as Steve sort of came to figure out, his dysfunction is most likely mental in nature, which means it's not permenant (I would never do that to him) which makes more compelling in a sense because its something he may have to 'unlock' in a sense. Remember they did a lot of psychological warfare on him over the years and made him believe certain things. 
> 
> Writing abuse is not something I do lightly btw. I know enough people who've suffered it to take it very seriously. I never go into great detail for a reason, there is no need to. And it's not the last you'll hear of it either unfortunately. Hydra did a real number on him. The slow gradual reveal is like psychotherapy in a way, attempting to get him to a better state of mind by the end. 
> 
> As you can see Steve is not getting a lot of sleep and this something that will addressed eventually. Because the toll this taking on him is part of this story too. 
> 
> I have been tossing around the concept that the WS in a strange way protected, and still protects Bucky from a lot of the trauma he's experienced. The idea that his own mind may have created this persona as a means of protection, to do the things Bucky can't or couldn't. That Hydra would find away to exploit this anomaly with the torture and wiping. It's an idea that will be expanded on in future chapters. 
> 
> Bucky 's sleep disorder is getting a little more volatile as you can see, and this could be dangerous for Steve as you can see. 
> 
> The next chapter will be a bit fluffier and more fun for them, just getting a breather from the heavy angst. Undercurrents will still exist but they'll have a little fun together as well.


	5. Fireworks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Might've had this edited sooner but I had a busy week *sighs* but anyways here you ..this one has some soft, fluffiness in it and some good time loving because I wanted to let them have a little fun because well.. upcoming and all *no spoilers*

Bucky woke up early, rising out of sleep like slowly coming to the surface of the water. A vague memory of a nightmare, of being afraid of a looming shadow tickled at his mind before he came completely out. Of backing against a cold wall. Of pain. It went away quickly this time, thankfully, but still leaving him with a residue of the fear, causing him to scan the dimly lit room as if expecting something to lurch out of the dark and come for him.

That passed too and he relaxed a little. It was early, the sun was just coming up, starting to peek through the edge of the curtains. He could see Steve, still sleeping, his arm thrown over him. Bucky just lay there for a moment watching him, in no rush to wake him, knowing Steve wasn’t getting as much as he should. He asked once about it and he had said he had things on his mind, but Bucky was not sure he believed him. There was something off about his answer. Something Steve didn’t want him to know.

He nuzzled his face against Steve’s chin and gave him a soft kiss before carefully extracting himself from his arm and quietly getting out of bed, as to not wake him.

He felt a need to have some time alone after yesterday. He had all kinds of feelings and needed to sort them out. Needed to do this alone for reasons he didn’t quite understand. It was still as if he was afraid to really show his true feelings about these things in front of Steve. As if he had too much pride to let him see it yet. Or maybe still stuck in the old mentality of the idea that mean do this shit alone. He knew it was bullshit but, old habits died hard.

One thing he had learned that had been a useful skill, was how to be quiet. How to move as to not be noticed. He had after all, been a ghost in a lot of ways, and when he wasn’t supposed to be noticed, he wasn’t. There were many times he’d gotten out of bed or even left the house and Steve hadn’t even noticed. Sometimes it scared him just how easy it was to do. Or how often he utilized it.

So he pulled on some clothes, including a hooded sweatshirt and made sure to take a key, his cigarettes and of course, a weapon. Another habit he’d gotten so used to it was almost unconscious behavior.

He very quietly went outside for what he hoped was a head clearing walk. The sun was peaking over the mountains and starting to reflect on the water across the way. Another clear, slightly crisp day and he took in the air and just let his mind go for a moment. Letting it turn over the events of the previous day. The memories that he didn’t know how to deal with.

They had touched him and messed with him in places he’d never wanted anyone but Steve to do. Their fingers had been inside him as they’d worked on his arm. When they operated on him, and he had been unable to fight back against any of it. And on the rare times he did, well, they had punished him for it.

That scientist, Zola, leering in his memory and nightmares like a monster, smiling and talking about how he was his greatest creation as they violated his body in so many heino9us ways. Some of which he didn’t remember and others he remembered to well. He remembered how angry Steve had looked when he’d told him these things. And he hadn’t even told him everything.

But Bucky could not find the anger himself. For reason it was alluding him. All he found was pain and shame and guilt instead and he didn’t understand this. Had had just suppressed and bottled it so much that he couldn’t access it anymore? Or may he was just too afraid to.

He looked up and realized while thinking about this, he’d walked about a mile or two and was near the lake again. There were tables near the beach area, and it was too cold of a day for anyone to be out, so he was the only out there. With the exception of the lapping water on the shore there wasn’t much noise.

Bucky sat down on the bench and pulled his cigarettes and lit one, just staring out that water, trying to locate that anger box in his head. Because he knew he should be angry, and it troubled him. But there was also a part of him that said there was no point. Those people were never going to suffer for any of it. Not the way he did pretty much on a daily basis.

_‘Mission report.’_

A smack across the face when he didn’t answer. Not the first time either. Hell, at that point he hadn’t feel it much anymore.  Thinking about it now it shocked him just how accepting his was of this. How willing he was to take it.

If anyone had been near him, they would’ve seen a visible flinch in his face and a minute shake of his hand as he recalled it. It was the only sign he’d felt anything. He’d gotten so used to containing all of this that pulling it out was a struggle. But here he was, his flesh hand shaking as he held the cigarette.

He was defective in his mind. Could barely show real emotion and couldn’t sleep through the night. Couldn’t please his lover the way he wanted to. Was terribly afraid of himself as well. And he knew he was right to be that way. He was dangerous. He felt it too. The darkness on the edge of his mind.

There was something crawling around in there wanting to get out and wreak havoc. And part of him wondered if that was where his anger was. In _him._

The other side of him, living in the dark places, waiting for him to relax his hold and control on him. Sometimes he heard his thoughts. Felt like him. It made him feel crazy. Hell, maybe he was.

Maybe he did belong in that hospital as horrible as it was. With doctors more interested in studying him than helping him. Restraining him so they could take scans of his brain even though he was clearly agitated by it. Asking about the methods they’d used to manipulate him as if picking  his brain was all they were interested in.

And they touched him constantly, just like _they_ had. Continuing to blur the lines between good and bad touches for him.

Bucky never wanted to be touched by anyone again but Steve. That was it. He felt like he should have a warning label on him because anyone else that did might get hurt.  It was a reflex action he still couldn’t help yet. He didn’t trust anyone else.

He knew this wasn’t normal but, it was it what it was.

Finishing his cigarette, he deposed of it in the place provided, not wanting to be that kind of an asshole. This place was too damn nice to litter in.  Getting up he stretched his legs and took in the scenery again. There was some activity in the lake with a few boats now in spite of the cold, and some people moving about. As pretty as this was, with the foliage in the background, as peaceful as it made him feel, he felt the need to get back to the cabin and Steve. Still not comfortable enough to be out here by himself and be noticed.

The walk back seemed to take longer because he wasn’t so caught up in his own thoughts he supposed. And maybe more aware of his surroundings than before. On alert. Scanning for danger. His hand on the weapon in his pocket without realizing it. Pulling the hood up and lowering his head as to not make eye contact that with anyone who walked by.

He wasn’t quite ready to be seen yet. Was afraid of what showed in his eyes if someone did come too close. Spoke to him. Or god forbid bumped into him.

Finally making it to the porch he sat down, feeling his nerves finally settle, and pulled out another cigarette, trying to calm the last of them, and waited for Steve to get up.

He smiled to himself, thinking of Steve. Who still seemed to love him in spite of all of this. Who still seemed to look at him with that same of love and admiration that he’d done before. Who still saw him a beautiful, even though Bucky himself felt far from it.

Bucky felt strangely grateful that this idiot was still stupid enough to love him. To not give up on. Even after everything, he was still goddamn stubborn like that. And Bucky loved him for it. So much that it hurt. But unlike others, this was a good kind of pain.

He sat there, watching the sun rise further up in the sky, its reflection bouncing off the water and thought again to himself that coming hear was a good idea on Steve’s part. He let the quiet calm the noise in his head for a little bit, just taking it in.

**\--**

Steve woke up later than he anticipated. Supposing he needed the sleep. He was aware immediately that Bucky was not in bed with him, and almost panicked a little, thinking maybe he was having another incident. It eased a little when he could see some tendrils of smoke going by the partly opened shade.

He was outside having a cigarette. Steve let out a breath, throwing a hand over his head for a moment in relief. But it was scary how quiet he could be sometimes.

Getting up, he pulled some pants on over his shorts and opened the door, seeing Bucky sitting there in a hoodie and jeans, his usual wear these days. The sun glinted a little off his arm and his hair was tied back loosely, tendrils of hair drifting over his neck, moving with the breeze.  He turned, the hand holding the cigarette hanging between his bent knees. He looked tired, but he smiled softly, his blue eyes almost matching the water in the distance behind him, and Steve thought, with the mountains and the lake in the background that he looked he was in a painting.

He looked beautiful. Even with his tired eyes and a cigarette, he took his breath away for a moment.

“Sorry..” He said seeing Steve staring at him. “I didn’t want to wake you.” He looked away for a moment. “And I just.. needed to think.”

Steve shook himself out of his daze. “It’s fine.” He said walking over and sitting down next to him. “And didn’t tell you to stop apologizing.”

“Sorry.” Bucky said and chuckled. “There I go again.”

“You know.” He said, pointing to the cigarette. “Those will kill you.”

Bucky feigned annoyance. “You’re a funny guy Rogers.”

“I try.” He replied, smiling. And then looked at him seriously. “So, how are you?”

Bucky looked away for a minute as if considering this question. Steve saw a shadow cross his eyes but when he turned back, he seemed to have stifled it a little. “I’m okay.” He said, taking another drag from his cigarette. “Better than I was but..”  He turned his head back to look at Steve. “It comes and it goes.”

He watched him carefully, remembering him last night. The terrified look in his eyes as he was dreaming and then the coldness and mistrust. The way he backed up against the headboard and the violent way he had responded when Steve tried to touch him. Bucky seemed to have no recollection of this, or any of the other incidents and Steve wasn’t sure whether he should be scared or relieved about that.

Either way he had no plans to tell him yet. He had enough on his mind without this too.

“So, how long have you been up.”

“A couple hours.” Bucky answered, finishing his cigarette. “I went for a walk.”

“By yourself?” Steve asked, surprised.

Bucky side-eyed him. “No with my other boyfriend.” He sassed, a little smirk on his face.  “He’s hiding under the porch right now.”

“Very funny.” Steve responded, chuckling at that. “I was just surprised that you went alone that’s all.”

Bucky shrugged, staring out the water. “There wasn’t a lot of people around.” He told him, putting his cigarette out. “Besides, you needed your sleep.”

He smiled a little, at the fact that Bucky was concerned about that for some reason. And thinking about what he’d said about there not being a lot of people here right now. It had been a good time to come he supposed, seeing as how Bucky was not big on crowds. Or most people in general. He still had a lot of mistrust and wariness. And Steve himself had wanted a little break from the notoriety that came from who he was as well. A little time for both of them away from all that shit.

“Well maybe now that I’m awake, we can take one together.” He suggested, putting his hand on his shoulder. “We could even get some lunch.” He smiled as Bucky turned his head to look at him. “If you want to be seen with me that is.”

“Well I suppose..” Bucky seemed to muse. “I guess I could tell the guy under the porch to get lost.”

Steve shook his head and wrapped his hand around the back of Bucky’s neck. “You better.”  He sassed, pulling him closer. “Cause I don’t like to share.”

Bucky grinned saucily and bit his lip. Dammit he loved when Bucky looked at him like that. “Is that so?” He asked, his voice low as turned, more to him.

“It is.” He growled, his fingers twisting into Bucky’s hair, brushing his lips over his. “You’re mine.”

The words came out so effortlessly. And he meant it too. There was this possessiveness in him that, along with his protectiveness that had fueled a lot of his anger over the things they had done to him. The idea that anyone else would lay a hand on Bucky like that made him want to do them serious harm. And he knew Bucky saw this, could see it in the way he looked at him right now. The answer may have partly a joke but there was a serious undertone as well.

“Yes I am.” Bucky said as he slid his arms around Steve, his tongue moving over his lips teasingly. “I’m all yours..”

Steve growled again and smashed their lips together in a heated kiss. His fingers fisted Bucky’s hair, letting their tongues wrap around each other. He could feel Bucky’s fingers gripping his shirt, his metal ones trailing over the skin that got exposed when the shirt was pulled up. He gripped Bucky’s hair a little harder, holding his lips to his possessively consuming them, his other hand pulling him into his lap, right there on the porch.

When they finally came up for air, he just stared at Bucky, his hand still tangled in his dark hair. His luscious lips were swollen, and his stormy blue eyes were glassy with love and desire. And that slightly dark undercurrent as well. The one that alternately concerned and excited him at the same time. He was just… stunning. He couldn’t rear his eyes away, starting at him almost desperately.

“God I love you..” He whispered his awe showing in his voice his fingers flexing in  Bucky’s hair again.

Bucky’s eyes went soft in that moment, giving him a briefly vulnerable look. “I love you too punk.” He whispered in return, closing his eyes and brushing his soft lips over Steve’s again.

It was a rare moment of letting his guard completely down and Steve just sat there, his other hand resting softly on Bucky’s hip, moving in a soft circles. He watched him take several deep breathes, laying his head against Steve’s, his hands on his shoulders.

“What is it?” he asked softly, letting his fingers comb in his hair and bunching in softly. “Tell me.”

“Its nothing.” He said quietly, opening his eyes again. “I’m fine.”

Steve didn’t believe him. He could see something below the surface of his eyes. Some nagging pain. Or fear. Something he didn’t want to show. Stuffing it away again. Holding back. “I’m not sure I believe you.” He whispered to him, staring into his eyes steadily.

Bucky gave him an intense look back, with almost a hint of anger. Almost like he was defensive. “I’m not asking you to.” He said, his voice low, his fingers bunching Steve’s shirt.

“Buck-“

He didn’t get to finish because Bucky smashed their lips back together he forgot anyways. “Just shut up.” Bucky growled against his lips and that was that. Steve’s hands fisted his hair again  and pulled him closer on the porch.

Seems they were going to have a very late lunch today.

\--

They did eventually get off the porch, and Bucky was relived that Steve had dropped any questioning just yet.

They got some food from a vendor and found a place to sit down on the grass, a bit away from people had started to gather as the day moved on. Steve, ever the Boy Scout had a bag with a blanket just in case they decided to do this.  They ate their lunch there and then just decided to hang out.

Bucky was feeling the need to sort of practice their outdoor interactions. Wanting to get better at this. He still had a hard time believing that a relationship like theirs was now somewhat socially acceptable. There was a time when it was dangerous to even hint at it, and they’d had to keep it hidden from the world. But they didn’t have to now and it took some getting used to.

Just being out in public in general was still a problem, never mind the PDA’s.

But he was going to try it anyways even though he was edgy about it. So, to Steve’s surprise he laid down and rested his head on his leg giving him a little half smile. “Figured I’d try it.” And then chuckled a little “It’s not bad.”

Steve smiled down at him and put his hand on his head, brushing that annoying strand of hair out of his face, and then stroking his hair lightly. And to Bucky’s surprise and delight, no one seemed to look twice at them.

“Just do what you’re comfortable with okay?” Steve told him, looking down into his eyes. “There’s no rush..”

There wasn’t really. It was nice just to lay here and look up at the sky, feeling Steve’s hand in his hair, his fingers brushing it lightly. Hearing kids laughing and running around, the water lapping on the shore of the lake. The sky was so blue today and clear it was just.. perfect.

“Do you remember the first time we kissed?” He asked Steve suddenly, musing pleasant memories for once.

“yeah I do.” Steve replied as Bucky turned his eyes turned his up to him. “It was my birthday..”

“Yeah.” He said as he lazily trailed his hand over Steve’s leg. “We were on the roof watching the fireworks and I just.. knew I wanted to kiss you.”

He remembered Steve, so skinny and small, but so beautiful in the moment. The fireworks had lit him up and his eyes were wide and reflecting their light. He looked like the world was celebrating just for him and it had lifted his spirits over his struggles and usual ornery nature. He remembered so clearly the feeling he’d had, when he knew he was finally going to do it. He’d already known he was in love, as much as a 17 year old could know it and at that moment he just leaned and was happily surprised when Steve didn’t pull away. Knowing he felt the same way.  The memory was so clear to him, one of the clearest ones he had from then.

“That was a hell of birthday present.” Steve mused, smiling down on him. “I think it was my  favorite.”

Bucky smiled a little sadly. “Took me so long to remember it.” He admitted. “And I was so angry that they took from me.” He looked up at the sky. “That they took you from me.”

“You got a right to be angry you know?”

“I know.” He said, closing his eyes. “But there is really no point Steve.” He took his hand and squeezed it. “They’re never gonna pay for it.”

“Just sometimes I worry.” Steve told him, looking down at him. “That’s your not letting yourself be.”

He wondered if Steve was right on that. It did feel odd, like something was missing from him. He’d mused on it earlier but hearing Steve put it into words. It just pounded it in even more.

 “Maybe.. it’s just.” He paused for a moment before finishing. “I’m still working things out.”

“You mean like forgiving yourself?” Steve asked, playing with his hair. “Because that might be a good place to start.”

He looked up at Steve feeling a bit pained at that insight. “I can’t.” He admitted. “Not yet.”

“I wasn’t you’re fault Buck.” He told him, looking at him softly. “It never was. And I’m gonna keep telling you that until it sinks in.”

He chuckled a little. “That might take a while.”

“I know.” Steve laughed a little. “You’ve got pretty thick skull.”

Bucky looked up at him. “You’re such a punk.” 

“But you love me.”

He sat up and turned, putting his hand on Steve’s face, deciding he didn’t care what people thought. “Yeah.” He whispered, brushing lips over Steve’s. “I do.”

And then kissed him softly, feeling Steve’s hand rise to the back of his head as he pulled him in closer. Bucky smiled against his lips thinking this was perfect. In those moments he realized that while he may not be too fond of himself, being with Steve made him hate himself a little less.

Pulling away, he playfully pushed Steve down onto the blanket and kissed him again, laughing as Steve seemed to tickle him a little. Acting like a couple of stupid teenagers, giggling playfully. d. Eventually just settling down in Steve’s arms, his head on his shoulder, watching the sunset over the lake.

\--

They were interrupted from a light doze on the blanket by some commotion and a realization that more people were gathering around. Spreading their own blankets and such. Steve could see Bucky betting a bit nervous about this increasing crowd as it got darker. He put his hand on his arm as if to relax him and it seemed to work.

Suddenly there was a bang and flash in the sky Steve realized what it was. Fireworks.

The irony of how they’d just been talking about it maybe an hour ago wasn’t lost on him either.

Bucky seemed a bit startled by the noise at first, going to pocket instinctively before realizing himself what was going and he grinned at Steve like a little kid.

“What the hell?” He asked, sidling back next to Steve again. “Its not your birthday.”

“Well.” Steve said, chuckling, putting an arm around Bucky without even thinking about it. “We can pretend it is.”

“I guess we could.” Bucky agreed and watched the display shooting of the boat in the middle of the lake.

He was thinking about it himself. Thinking about that birthday again. Remembering how he’d gradually developed what could only be called a crush on his best friend. And if you’d seen Bucky then, you would’ve understood. Tall, handsome, confident. The kind of guy you noticed when you walked into the room. A bright, charming young man with those beautiful restless eyes.  Steve, as a skinny little kid was no different than any of the girls who’d crushed on his too, but the difference was that Steve knew, or was a least told, that he wasn’t supposed to feel that way. That that was somehow wrong. So it was a secret ache. A knowledge that it was just likely to be a hidden feeling.

Until his birthday that was. Until that night. When he found out that Bucky, they guy who could’ve gotten any girl he wanted, felt the same way about Steve too.

The shame being they could never show it publicly. Until now.

He looked over at Bucky, who was watching the fireworks, the reds, the greens and blues and silvers in the sky exploding above them. It all reflected in his eyes, and he just stop looking at him. Almost as if he could feel it, he turned to Steve and smiled at him. And at that moment he looked like he did that day. When he was so much younger and hadn’t touched by anything yet.

“What?” Bucky asked, looking him up and down.

Without thinking he just reached over and pulled him to him, kissing him softly, his hand resting on his face. It seemed to take Bucky by surprise at first but didn’t take him long to respond to it, looping his arms around Steve’s neck, losing any sense of public shyness. Everyone was watching the fireworks and no one saw this. Not that he cared if they did not.  He didn’t care about anything at that moment but this.

“Damn.” Bucky said as they finally pulled apart. “What was that for?”

“Do I need a reason now?” Steve asked, almost offended.

“No..” replied Bucky, sitting back only a little as the fireworks continued to explode over their head. “Just kind of.. surprised me that’s all..”

“You mean kind of like you did that day?”

“Hey I don’t regret that at all punk.” Bucky sassed, keeping his arms right where they were. “You were just begging to be kissed.”

Steve smiled broadly. “So were you jerk.”

Bucky’s smile at that moment was so stunning that it would’ve stopped anyone who was in it’s path. Seeming him smile like that after everything was amazing. He was glad that, for a little bit a least, the shadow didn’t seem to be looming over him like it usually did. That he could live in a moment like this and just be happy. It was a small victory, and he wanted to hold onto it as long as he could.

“You know you do have some good ideas.” Bucky mused. “Occasionally.”

“Thanks for noticing. “

Bucky turned his head and leaned it against Steve’s, just watching the display. “You know kind of love Rogers..”

The soft way he said that, with that content look on his face, gave Steve hope that maybe he was on the right track here. That he was getting better. That it was a good idea to get him away like this. He didn’t dare to hope that it would last, but at least for now, he seemed to be okay.  And that was enough.

“Yeah well. “ He replied, tightening his arm around him, just enjoying the show. “I kind of love you too.”

\--

So far it had been better day than most.  But it always seemed like the later it got, the more he had to work to keep it that way. The harder it was to push the darker parts away.

Bucky laid on the bed, with Steve’s legs bent over his shoulders, nuzzling his stomach. Bucky could feel his hand in his hair, stroking it softly, and smiled against his skin. He ran a hand over Steve’s still jean clad leg and buried his face against his stomach for a moment, as if smelling him. What he was really doing was nuzzling against an old scar. One he gave to him.

He tried not to think of that too much, but still invaded his thoughts.

The wind blew the curtains open just a little, carrying with it the sound of the last crickets of the fall. It was unseasonably warm night and the air felt fresh and clean, with a hint of fresh water smell. It was comforting.

“What are you thinking about?” He heard Steve asked.

He traced his fingers over the scar. “This is where I shot you.”

“That was a long time ago Buck.”

“I know.” He said, pressing his lips to it. “But I’m still sorry about it.”

“You weren’t yourself then.” Steve answered softly, his hand running though Bucky’s hair. “No need to be sorry.”

Bucky thought about it, the memory fragmented like all of them. Fighting. Shooting. Pain. Being angry at this man who kept insisting he was his friend. Beating him until he said those words and the feeling that brought. He could still feel that feeling of connection. When a memory synapse fired, and those familiar words echoed in his brain.  Stirring up something old and lost. But not forgotten.

_I’m with you til the end of the line.._

Those words saved his life. And now here he was.

“I couldn’ve killed you.” He whispered against his stomach. “I almost did.”

“It’s alright Buck.” Steve replied. “It’s over.”

He thought about how he’d owed him so much. Everyone else in the world he known was dead, and the rest of them had given up on him. But Steve never did. He still hadn’t.

“I owe you my life.” He told him, looking up at him. “I owe you everything.”

Before Steve could respond to that, Bucky undid his jeans and pulled them down his hips. Steve moved his legs enough for Bucky to pull them off and toss them aside. He looked in his eyes, saying everything he needed to say with them, his hands running over his thighs as he put he them back over his shoulders.

“Buck..” Steve breathed, knowing what he was going to do. “You don’t… owe me.. anything.”

He dipped his head down and kissed him lower, sliding his left hand, the metal one, between his legs. “shut up..” He growled before sliding a couple of fingers inside him, causing Steve gasped at the feel.

He might not have been able to fuck him conventionally, but there were other ways. And Steve had already showed a fondness for that hand. “Fuck..” He groaned, his head falling back.

Bucky smiled. “Language.” He purred, pushing the fingers in deeper, mimicking thrusts.

He wrapped his other hand around Steve’s hardening cock and stroked that as well, all the while moving his metal fingers in and out of him. And sliding in a third for good measure. Steve yelped in pleasure at this.

“You like that?” He asked, teasing his swollen head with his thumb. “And this?”

Steve writhed a little, his hand grabbing Bucky’s hair. “Yes..”

Continuing to move his fingers rhythmically inside him, he proceeded to run his tongue from the shaft to the tip and then swirling it around before putting his mouth over him and taking him in. He could hear Steve moan thickly at the dual sensation and he purred himself, creating a vibration.

After everything he’d done for him lately, he was hell bent on making him feel good tonight. Whatever way he could. He moved his metal fingers in and out as he sucked him, feeling it the back of his throat. He could feel Steve’s hands pulling on his hair and he loved it. It just spurred him on more. Moving faster with his fingers and swirling his tongue around as he sucked him harder as well. Brining him ever closer to climax.

“Holy fuck..” He heard Steve groan. “Shit..”

He loved it when he swore. Other people rarely heard it, but Bucky did. And in these moments, it was a turn on. His fingers moved deeper inside him, curling and pressing into him every time they thrusted in. And he could feel it. This vibranium arm was so sensitive he could feel everything.

Steve was close he knew, could feel him swelling more and finally and finally he came, groaning another series of swears as Bucky cleaned him up with his tongue.

“Shit Buck..” He groaned as Bucky finally let him go. But he kept working him with his fingers. He wasn’t  done with that yet. “fuck.. oh holy hell.”

Bucky smiled as he slid over him, his fingers still thrusting inside him. “You got a dirty mouth Rogers.” He breathed to him his lips brushing his. “I like it..”

Steve wrapped his hand around Bucky’s neck and kissed him hungrily, moaning as his metal fingers still pushed in and out of him. Keeping him aroused and full of desire. Their tongues so deeply in each other’s throats they could’ve swallowed them.

“You’re gonna..pay for.. this.” Steve growled, pulling lips away and attacking Bucky’s neck.

Bucky smiled, giving him a couple more thrusts with his fingers. “Promise?” He breathed into his ear and then they caught each other’s lips again in another heated kiss. He felt Steve’s slide down his back, his fingers snaking under the waistband of his jeans, squeezing his ass deliciously and he smiled into the kiss.

He liked nothing better than driving Steve crazy. Because in those moments, he forgot everything else.  And felt like a normal human being.

“Oh yeah.” Steve growled, squeezing his hand again.  “And I always keep my promises.”

\--

Steve was all heated up. The thing that Bucky had done to him was absolutely astounding. The semi-warm, smooth yet segmented fingers had caused sensations that had blown his mind.  And they were still in there, moving back and forth, making him hard again. 

He looked up at Bucky, his blue eyes dark with passion and mirth, and felt him finally pull them out teasingly. “Glad you liked it.” He breathed, kissing him again as he straddled him.

Steve growled again and yanked Bucky’s pants down, watching him elegantly kick them off each leg and toss them aside. He then grabbed Bucky’s ass aggressively, spreading his legs further and pushed him down on his once again his hard cock. He watched his eyes glaze over in pleasure again, his luscious lips parting as he moaned, and gave him little time to adjust before pushing up into him, his hands gripping his hips hard as he did so.

Bucky leaned over him, his muscular thighs gripping Steve’s hips and gripped Steve’s shoulders, his hair handing in his face as he rode him. His eyes were almost feral, and Steve thought he saw a little bit of the Winter Soldier in them. And that was perfectly okay. It was a dark part that sometimes came out in his most passionate moments. And he knew Bucky was a bit afraid of that. Afraid of letting go. But he wanted him to. To let loose no matter what.

Losing his fear was the only true way to be free.

He watched him, giving in to it, gritting his teeth as he stared into Steve’s eyes, leaning over him. He growled and moaned as their tempo increased, his fingers flexing on Steve’s chest. Steve reached his hands up and slid them around his neck and saw the desire increase. He slid one hand up and let his thumb slide into Bucky’s mouth and watched as he sucked on it hungrily.

It was hot, heavy and primal, guttural moans coming out of them both as he rode him harder, Steve’s thumb still in his mouth, the fingers in his hair.  His other hand sliding over the marks he’d left the day before. They were all over him, he could see them on his chest, on his hips and neck and it turned him on even more. Causing him to thrust up harder, faster.

Finally, the climax rushed over them both and they locked eyes again as Bucky leaned back over him, Steve’s hands now on his ass, holding him on him. He gave two more hard shoves into him and then came for the second time that night. He groaned and it matched Bucky’s loud yelp of pleasure and then latter shuddered and collapsed on top of Steve, breathing hard.

Steve lay there, gasping for breath himself, thinking, when he could that was, that he was gonna sleep well tonight. He could feel Bucky’s hot breath on his neck and weakly ran his hand over his damp hair. “Wow…” was all he could muster.

He felt Bucky smiled against his chest. “I’ll say..”

Steve lifted Bucky’s head and kissed him softly, running his fingers though his hair, feeling his damp body slide over his a little, his hands resting on Steve’s hips for a moment. Shivers and shudders went through both of them as they came down from their high.

Bucky’s lips skimmed his chest softly. “I… love..you…” He whispered, voice breathy and full of emotion.

“I ..love you too… Buck..” he breathed back, pulling his lips to his again. “Always..”

And their lips met again, a deep loving one, their hands caressing each other as a cool breeze wafted through the open window. But their heated bodies barely felt it they were so caught up in each other, shifting around on the bed, legs tangling clumsily. Breathless laughs and soft murmurs escaping their swollen lips. And in that moment, everything felt right. Nothing hurt at all.

\--

Bucky stirred slightly, opening his eyes in the semi-dark room hazily. He body was sprawled over Steve’s, half on him, their legs tangled together. He smiled and nuzzled his chest, feeling, at least for the moment that was, peaceful. He knew it was a fleeting thing for him, so he relished it, hoping it would last.

He also realized he was a little cold and tried to find the blankets with his foot, not wanting to move. Hell, not even sure if he could. Once again feeling pleasantly sore. The bed was a jumble mess and he realized they probably kicked them off while in the throws of passion. So, he sighed and peeled himself off Steve to pick them up, leaning over the side of the bed to do so.

And then he felt the arm around his waist. Which at one time might have resulted in someone’s serious injury but now. Heard Steve’s voice, husky and low. “Where do you think you’re going?”

He smiled and turned in his arms. “I was gonna get the blankets but..” He brushed his lips over Steve’s. “If you don’t want me to…”

“You don’t need them.” He heard Steve say, his lips suddenly on his neck, sucking on an already tender spot. “I can warm you up.”

“Well..” Bucky aqueiecsed. “If you insist..”

He let Steve lay him back on the bed, sighing softly as Steve’s hands ran softly over his hips and thighs as he continued to leave new marks on his neck. It was working, he felt the heat rising in him again.

“I wasn’t done with you.” Steve whispered, his lips sliding deliciously over Bucky’s neck. “Not even… close..”

Bucky chuckled, running his hands over Steve’s back. “Is that so?”

“Mmm hmm.” He murmured, massaging his inner thighs now. “This might take all night.”

Bucky’s eyes fluttered as Steve bit down on his shoulder. He breathlessly laughed again, thinking he was going to be covered in bite marks by the end of this trip. And the idea of that titalated him something fierce. A deep, primal part of him liking the idea of being marked this much by his lover.  It was feeling of possessed in the best possible way.

His breathing began to get a little ragged and he thought about how, in the throws of passion he had felt the presence of the Winter Soldier lurking below the surface. And for some reason it both scared him and excited him at the same time. Which was confusing. Like when his passion was at its zenith, he felt dark and wild. And a bit dangerous.

Like the thing with the arm. He had no idea where that came from. It may not have been the original arm, but it could cause harm. And pleasure Steve to high degree as well it seemed. It was a double edge sword and he was navigating a dark line in his head. Some brand new territory that was uncharted and very dangerous.

“Steve?” he asked softly, feeling his lips skimming over his chest.

He looked up, hearing the tone in his voice. “What is it Buck?”

“I didn’t.. hurt you did I?” He asked, meeting his eyes. “When I.. did that?”

Steve ran his hands over his hips comfortingly. “No.” He answered. “Not at all.”

“Good.” He said, letting a breath out. “Because I don’t want to.. hurt you..”

“It’s alright Buck.” He said, reassuringly, sliding back up for a moment to put his hand on his face. ‘It really is..”

“It’s just… sometimes.. I..” He struggled to find the words, biting his lip a little. “I feel him in there.. and.. I’m afraid he’s.. gonna get out.”

Steve stoked his hair softly. “You have control now Buck.” He kissed him softly. “It’s okay to let go once and awhile. I can handle him.” He smiled, hands back stroking Bucky’s thighs, which were now open, his knees bent on either side of Steve. “Because I love him too.”

Bucky’s felt surprised for a moment. “You do?”

“Yeah I do.” He kissed his collarbone, tracing his lips over the bone. “Because he’s a part of you too.”

“But he’s dangerous.”

Steve nuzzled his chest, kneading the inside of Bucky’s thighs in a maddening way. “Maybe.” He told him, looking up again. “But he’s a part of you that you have to accept.”

Bucky thought about it for a moment. Wondering if Steve was right. The Soldier had been, in a way, a creation of his own mind. Channeling all his darkness into him. Protecting himself from the pain he was feeling. The fact that he was almost a separate identity was irrelevant. The fact that Steve wasn’t as afraid of him as Bucky was strange to him. A little scary too. Part of him knew he had to find a way to accept him, but at the moment he was very frightened of what he could do. Afraid to loosen his grip on him. To surrender the control again.

Suddenly his legs were over Steve’s shoulders and his lips were nipping at his inner thighs and Bucky lost his train of thought, moaning as he bit down on the sensitive skin there. Feeling his desire rise in him again. Damn he was good at this.

Steve’s hands pulled his cheeks apart and suddenly his lips and tongue were there, and any trace thoughts left him. He was good at this too. Bucky moaned thickly, his hands gripping the covers as he was pleasured beautifully by the love of his life. Letting it take over his senses.

He worked him with his lips and tongue, bringing him the edge of his sanity before pulling it back a little and going in again for another round. He moaned over and over again, literally begging for mercy before Steve released him and crawled back up him body to take his lips again.

Bucky wrapped his hands around his neck, gripping him tight as they kissed passionately, Steve’s hands on pulling Bucky’s thighs against his as their tongues heatedly wrestled. And then he was inside him again, rocking steadily.

He felt that wave of dark pleasure rise in him and tightened his grip slightly on Steve’s neck with his metal fingers, the other hand sliding over his chest. And instead of frightening Steve, it seemed to turn him on more, causing him to rock harder.

If Bucky could’ve seen his own eyes at that moment, he would’ve seen the Soldier in them, dark and feral, his hand periodically squeezing Steve’s neck as he was thrusted into. But never too hard. Bucky was learning the balance of the control. They were, at the moment, co-existing.

“Harder.” He growled at Steve, wanting more. And was obliged.

His fingers flexed a little more against Steve’s neck, leaving room to breathe, as he pumped harder against him, faster. Rough, raw and relentless.  He moaned gutturally, like an animal. Felt like one. Felt that darker personality inside rising more to the surface again, wanting to bite and scratch. And he did, biting down on his shoulder while still gripping his neck. He gave in to the wild animal inside him.

Bucky heard Steve growl as well, his hands gripping his hips even tighter as he thrusted harder, deeper and he felt himself graying out from the sheer pleasure of it. The sounds he made were deep, inarticulate moans from deep inside him. Animal noises.

It went on for so long, their stamina was high from their heightened strength and it was extraordinary. Bucky was sure, when he could think, that he wasn’t even conscious anymore really. His eyes, rolled, his fingers dug into Steve’s skin as he climbed so high, he was dizzy from looking down.

When climax finally came it was like explosive fireworks. Bizzarely the memory of kissing Steve on the 4th of July popped into his head, so brilliant and clear in his head again.  The strength of this memory, and the feelings it brought with it, combined with the force of the orgasm, combined together and just overwhelmed him. Causing him to bite down again, his fingers flexing hard on Steve’s neck at the same time.

Bucky felt all the strength run out of his body and his arms fell away, his head crashing on the pillow underneath him. His eyes fluttered closed and he felt the weight of Steve’s body as it collapsed onto him.

“I think…I’m dead..” Steve chuckled breathily into his neck.

“Yeah..Well..” He agreed, his breathing ragged. “I… um.. actually am..”

He literally couldn’t move. Not at all. He had been thoroughly fucked and was beautifully exhausted. And was pretty certain he was not going to be able to walk right tomorrow. But he didn’t care. His body just thrummed with the pleasure he’d just experienced. His eyes fluttered softly as Steve nuzzled his tender neck gently. Lovingly.

“At least.. we are dead together.” Steve chuckled against his skin.

“Uh huh.”

Steve lifted his head, brushing some of Bucky’s sweaty here back from his face and kissed him softly. Bucky sighed into his mouth, finding enough strength to lift his arm, resting his hand lightly on the back of Steve’s neck. He loved these kisses the best. The soft, fuzzy afterglow ones while the remaining shivers ran through their heated bodies.

Their lips parted, and Steve looked down at him, his thumbs stroking his face softly. He had such a soft look that Bucky started feeling emotional again. Damning himself that he couldn’t contain this shit. He’d spent so much time trying to do it, but over the last week Steve had undone so much of it. Chiseling away at the steep walls he’d built to protect himself. Slowly and steadily. Relentless.

Bucky just laid there, his legs bent on either side of Steve, looking up at him just trying to contain himself. His hand stroked the back of his neck and he could see some fading marks left on his throat from his hand and the fear and concern must’ve shown in his eyes because Steve saw it.

“It’s okay.” He whispered to him. “You didn’t hurt me.”

He blinked a little and bit his lip as he looked back into Steve’s eyes. Seeing the truth in them. It still scared him though and he wondered if that fear would ever go away. Probably not.

Keeping his hands on the sides of his face, Steve once again softly nuzzled Bucky neck, the fingers of one hand sliding into his hair as his head turned a little. He sighed at the feel of it, the soft intimacy of the moment contrasting with the rawness of earlier.

He was full of emotion. “I..,.love.. you.” He whispered in his ear, his hand on the back of his head, his leg wrapping around Steve’s.

He felt Steve smile against his neck. “I love you too Buck.” He whispered, his hands sliding down over his body as he nuzzled him lazily.

Bucky actually whimpered slightly, feeling his hands softly caressing his hips. It actually made him want to cry a little how gentle it was. How soft. And it also made him sleepy, his eyes fluttering. He felt Steve’s lips trail over his throat, and he angled his head a little to allow it, his hand flexing softly into his hair. Thinking about those painful, humiliating touches, and then these. So tender, so gentle.

His eyes were actually stinging a little because he still felt undeserving of this. He squeezed them shut, fighting them back. “Steve..” He breathed softly, emotion coming through them. “I..I.”

“What is it?” Steve replied looking up, his hands rising to his face. “Tell me.”

Bucky bit his lip nervously. “I don’t ever want anyone else to touch me but you.” He told him, hands falling to his side. Looking deep into his eyes. “Never again.”

“No will ever touch you again.” Steve responded, holding his face. “I promise.”

Bucky saw the truth of it in his eyes. The protectiveness and possessiveness showing so clear in those baby blues. It made him feel safe. He could defend himself yes but he knew Steve was always protect him too. It filled him with so much love that he had to close his eyes, fighting back the tears yet again. And then he felt Steve’s lips find his again and sank into another kiss, their tongues touching softly, causing him to wrap his arms around Steve’s neck again, losing himself in it.

It went on for a long time, this soft kissing and touching session. He lost track of time. Not even caring what time it was. And somewhere in the middle of it he fell asleep, both of them still tangled in each other. And slept deeply.

\--

Steve continued to touch and kiss him softly, even as he fell asleep. Trying his best to keep him as comforted as possible. He thought about what he’d said, about how he didn’t wanted anyone else to touch him but Steve, and felt a strange mix of emotions about this.

Anger at the idea that anyone had laid uncaring hands on him, a heady mix of protectiveness and possessiveness for and over him. Sad that he was so resistant to contact as a result. But also happiness that Bucky did at least trust him. He had been so afraid that he would never get that trust back. That they’d hut him too badly.

And hoping his mind would stay quiet tonight but knew that was too much to ask. Our minds had a way of torturing us he knew. And almost if on cue, he started to feel Bucky shift in his sleep, whimpering and pulling away a little. Almost as if fighting him off. His face contorting into a painful expression.

Steve put his hands on Bucky’s forehead comfortingly, brushing his away and saw his eyes open, seemingly staring straight through the ceiling. Another painful whimper come out and he struggled more, getting a little too close to the edge of the bed for Steve’s comfort. So he took a hold of his wrists with his hands and held him where he was, for his own safety.

He hated doing that. Restraining him like this. Knowing that it was most likely done to him, and he quite possibly reliving it now. There were times when he had to hold him down so tightly he left a mark on his flesh arm, and it felt like he might have to again. Not a good kind of mark in his mind.

“Sssssh.” He whispered to him softly, doing his best comfort him. “It’s alright.”

Bucky struggled a little harder, kicking a little, a cry bordering on a scream coming out now. It sounded like he was being hurt. “Letmego.. please..” All blurred into one word, but the please was the worst.  So pained and almost begging.

“I’m here..” He soothed, hoping like hell a part of him could hear it in the dark reaches of his mind. “I got you.”

He let out a terrible scream, his head arching back against the pillow, his whole body seeming to shake from some unknown horror. And then spoke again. “please.. I’ll do anything.. just make it stop…please..”

His sounded so broken, like he’d given up, he’d even stopped struggling under Steve’s grip and just laid there looking up at nothing. Right through Steve to some horrible place only he could see.

“What did they do to you?” He asked him, loosening his grip on his arms. He wasn’t expecting an answer but asked anyways.

“I’ll do whatever you want..” He whimpered in that same small, broken voice.

Steve let go of his arms, not caring about his own safety, just needing to comfort him now. There was so much pain and emotion on his face, more than he’d allowed to show during his waking hours. It was as if  he was expressing in his sleep what he couldn’t express normally. The deep rooted pain that he took great pains to hide. He put his hand on Bucky’s face and he flinched as if it was hot, looking terrified.

“Please.” He whimpered. “No more.”

“I’m not gonna hurt you.” Steve whispered to him and gently kissed his head, feeling him shake under him. “No one will hurt again I promise.”

The shaking and the panic seemed to still but what replaced it was a barely compressed anger. It was amazing to Steve how the color almost changed from Bucky’s normally ocean like eyes to an almost icy grey. Like an entirely different person in one body. But Steve didn’t see this as an evil monster, but almost a terribly confused, angry child. Whose reaction to being restrained like this was push back in defense of himself. Which he did, practically shoving Steve off of him with ridiculous strength. And quicker than he could see it pulled something out from under the pillow.

Steve could see the reflection of the blade and it was only his quick reflexes that kept him from getting cut when it was slashed in his direction.

“It’s alright.” He said calmly.  Knowing reacting in any other way would be disastrous. “You don’t need that. I’m not gonna hurt you.”

The Soldiers seemed to flick a little, the knife held purely a defensive angle Steve noticed. Protecting, not attacking. If he had in attack mode he’d be dead he knew. He had no other protection with him. All he could do was convince him he was no threat to him, or Bucky.

“I’m not the one that hurt you okay?” He said softly, letting his hand get closer to the knife but not moving too quickly. “And I’m not gonna hurt him I promise.”

Steve kept his eye on the defensive posture of the Soldier, making sure he wasn’t being threatening himself. He carefully moved his fingers closer to the hilt of the knife and watched the Soldiers eyes watching his every move. Hyper-alert.

Remembering the way the Soldier hadn’t him the gun once or twice in these situations he thought he’d try something. “Soldier?” He asked, using the Russian he’d brushed up on in his spare time. “Can you give that me?”

He saw a shift in the posture of the Soldier, almost as if under command and he took the opportunity to put his hand on the hilt of the knife. And carefully pulled it out of his hand, letting out a breath as he did so. He carefully placed it on the nightstand, the Soldiers eyes watching him the whole time. He then turned back to him, and put his hand over his, which further seemed to confuse him.

“There’s not threat here.” He whispered to him, seeing the flinch at the touch. “You’re safe.”

Steve watched the confusion on his face and understood something. That even more so than Bucky, the Soldier had never known touches other than heavy, violent ones. Never heard anything other than orders. It was his whole life essentially. Being shown kindness was scary and foreign to him.  So he kept his hand on his, watching for any signs of lashing out, but just saw the confusion instead.

They just sat there for a moment, just like that, and then all of a suddenly his eyes changed again, back to Bucky’s normal blue, but with a hazy, almost blank expression.

 “Steve?” He heard him say after a time, voice fuzzy and confused. “I’m sorry..”

He didn’t know what he was apologizing. Bucky probably didn’t even know. He wasn’t even really awake just in a semi-conscious state of awareness. His hand was still in Steve, sitting there on his knees, the metal one hanging by his side limply.

Without thinking Steve just put his arms around him, pulling him close. Feeling Bucky limply collapse into him. “Don’t be.” He whispered into his hair. “It’s alright.”

He felt Bucky’s arms slowly moved around him, his face burrowing into his shoulder. Carefully he turned the both around so he could lay against the headboard, letting Bucky curl against him like ill-used child. His large body somehow managing to seem small as he did this. His eyes closed again and he seemed to settle with a slight tremor in his body.

“It’s okay.” He repeated again, thinking maybe he was talking to both of them at the same time. “You’re gonna be alright.”

Bucky’s body seemed to settle against his, relaxing into a deeper sleep again. But Steve stayed awake for a while. He stroked Bucky’s hair as he slept, his back against the headboard, lost in his thoughts. Not sure what exactly what happening here, but knew he was scared. Not of him but for him. For him finding out about this behavior and how he’d react to it. And thinking about the confused anger in the eyes of the Winter Soldier, and how it was only real anger he ever saw in Bucky’s eyes, and they weren’t even really his. But were his as the same time.

Steve sat up a long time thinking about this. It was a very long time until he finally fell asleep, holding Bucky in his lap protectively. 

\--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so Bucky gets a little creative and I liked it. I also liked that he got on top this time because as you know he's been reluctant to to do it for reasons so it's a nice sort of progress for him that way too. And of course,utilizing the arm for more *ahem* interesting purposes (this is for you spacemansam *winks*) is an added bonus. 
> 
> The random fireworks display in the fall is just a plot point for some recollection from their earlier. It's my headcannon that if they had a first kiss it would be under fireworks on Stev'e's birthday because why not right?'
> 
> The psychology of the Winter Soldier is interesting to me because while no on calls Bucky a villain (at that I know of) people refer to his alter ago as one sometimes. Even Sebastian Stan said he dosen't necessarily see him that way 'he has very complicated reasons for what he does' and I sort of adhere to that idea a bit. I see him more as a victim too, just like Bucky that he's been mistreated for his entire existence basically. So I thought it was interesting that Steve and Bucky would different viewpoints of him. Bucky obviously being terrified of him and Steve essentially considering him just another part of Bucky and he loves all of him. He's starting to see the WS as what he may actually be. Of course this may not be safe for him either as you can see becasue WS dosen't always know the difference between good and bad. Which is something that I will expand on quite a bit. 
> 
> Next chapter features some more fun fluff but will have a very rough ending so fair warming on that ahead of time.


	6. Trigger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again I have it done so I have to post it or i'll fuck with it too much. But anyways..
> 
> I had to add a few extra tags because of what happens at the end of this chapter. It was very important that I did that. The rest of the notes are at the end.

Bucky woke up with a start and was immediately confused by his sleeping position. His was basically laying on Steve’s lap now. And Steve himself was leaning against the headboard fast asleep, his hand resting on Bucky’s head. Not he hadn’t remembered when he’d fallen asleep or what position he was in. But he sure as hell knew it wasn’t in this one.

He had a sudden instinct that something had happened while he was sleeping.  He saw some finger shaped bruise on his wrist that he knew he didn’t get during their activities the night before. He could not account for it because Steve never held him down like that during sex, knowing his issues with restraint.

 _Nightmar_ e, he thought to himself. _A bad one_. And his heart sank a little.

Sitting up, as to not wake him, Bucky climbed carefully over Steve’s legs and checked him for extra bruises. But there was nothing that couldn’t’ be accounted for from their enthusiastic relations. But just because he didn’t seem to be hurt physically didn’t make him feel better. He hated putting him though this shit.

He felt Steve start to wake and saw his eyes open, seeing Bucky there with the pained look on his face. “Buck?” He whispered, as if expecting someone else for a moment.

“What did I do?” He asked worriedly, his legs on either side of Steve’s, his hands on his face now. “Tell me.”

“It was just nightmare’s Buck.” He replied as if trying to reassure him. “That’s all.”

He didn’t believe him, not entirely. This was not a typical nightmare. This was one of his horrible midnight episodes. He knew he had them, even if Steve was never fully honest about how bad they were or how frequent. Steve looked exhausted, like he hadn’t gotten too much sleep.

He brushed back a little of his lengthening blond locks and kissed his head softly, almost apologetically. “I’m sorry.” He whispered to him, laying his against his. “I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be.” Steve said softly, his hands on Bucky’s waist. “It’s not your fault.”

It felt like it was. And he couldn’t help but think of how much he could hurt him in these instances. Did he really think he could control over that? He felt so out of control it wasn’t even funny. He pulled Steve into his arms, letting him bury his face into his shoulder and held him this time, his hand on the back of his head. He felt Steve tuck his face into his neck and he closed his eyes painfully.

“You shouldn’t have to deal with this.” He said to him. “It’s not fair to you.”

“I love you Buck.“ He said into his shoulder. “That’s means I’m not just here for the pretty stuff.”

That was true he knew it. But he hated it.  Hated that hat he was so fucked up that Steve had to deal with his episodes. His violent nightmares and mood swings. He was better than that. But even if he felt that, felt the need to run away he wouldn’t. Because Steve was literally the only thing keeping him alive and in the world.

“You’re too good.” He said to him, smiling a little. “I don’t deserve you.”

“Stop saying that.” Steve replied, pressing his lips into his shoulder. “Yes you do.”

Bucky didn’t reply to this and just slid back a little on the bed and laying down, pulling Steve with him. Steve’s head on his shoulder and he wrapped his arm around Bucky’s waist, taking a deep tired sigh. Bucky wanted him to sleep now and pulled him more into his arms, this time his chin resting on Steve’s head.

“Sleep.” He said softly into his hair. “Please.”

Steve nodded against his chest and he felt him start to settle into Bucky’s arms. Bucky wrapped a leg around him to envelope him further, creating a warm cocoon for him. And soon he felt him fall asleep in his arms. It was his turn to comfort him now. He owed him that much.

He could hear the birds outside, the ones that were still around up here this time of year, and even the far away sound of the water as well. Soothing and comforting. He was glad they were here right now. It felt like a safe place for both of them to rest.

Bucky closed his own eyes and drifted off again, holding Steve in his arms, his face buried in his hair.

\--

Steve woke up with his face buried in Bucky’s shoulder. It wasn’t far from where the cybernetic arm began. He nuzzled his face into that shoulder, lightly kissing the scar tissue, causing Bucky to sigh just a little and tighten his arm around him. He had just really begun to allow him to touch that place and now he seemed to like it. The scars were terrible but beautiful at the same time and he wanted Bucky know the latter more than the former.

It was almost noon time and they had slept in pretty late, but it didn’t’ matter. It’s not like they had anything planned today. He felt Bucky’s hand in his hair and smiled, nuzzling him a little more  into that shoulder hearing him a sight softly. Feeling more rested now. And comfortable, very comfortable.

He lifted his head to see Bucky’s brilliant blue eyes open and looking at him with a little concern. “I’m alright Buck.” He said, trailing his hand over his face. “Really.”

“How bad do I get?” Bucky asked him, still holding him close. “Tell me.”

He didn’t want to at first, not wanting to add to what he was already feeling, but he knew Bucky and knew he wouldn’t let this go either. “Pretty bed. You scream a lot.” He admitted. “All I do is try to keep you from hurting yourself.”

“And hurting you maybe.” He replied, dropping his eyes and trailing his hand softly over his chest. “Because I could.”

“It never gets to that point Buck. I swear.”

He could see he wasn’t convinced, knowing Steve was holding something back, and knew he’d be thinking about this all day. Adding guilt on to guilt. As if he needed anymore. He wrapped his hand around the back of his head and pulled his lips to his, kissing him softly as if to reassure him that it was okay. It was all he could do.

He pulled his lips away and lifted his flesh arm, pressing his lips to the finger marks he’d left from the night before. Each one of them while Bucky watched him do it. One thing he never did when they were deep in it, was hold him down that way. Never restrained him to the point where he couldn’t get away. Would never tie him up in any way. There’d been too many restraints put on him in the past and Steve simply would not do it. But if he had to protect him from himself, he would do it. And if it left a mark, he always did this. As if to reaffirm that to him.

 “It dosen’t hurt.” Bucky said to him quietly.

“I know.” He told him, his words muffled a little as he kissed each individual finger mark. “I just.. hate that I had to that’s all.”

He thought of all the marks that had been put on Bucky over the years. All the cuts and broken bones. All the bruises. All the injuries that were left to heal on their own. All the abuse they put him through to break him down. Make him more pliable to their brainwashing and wiping. How it had left deep emotional scars on him along with all the things they made him do.  The way he shook and screamed and whimpered in his sleep. The horrible night episodes. And the terrible trust issues he still had.  It made him angry to think of it. More angry than Bucky was about it. Maybe he could be angry for both of them.

“They hurt you enough.” He said with a tinge of it in his voice. “I hate that I have to sometimes.”

“You don’t hurt me Steve.” Bucky said softly, laying his head against Steve’s. “I like what you do.”

Steve looked in his eyes and saw the truth of what he was saying. He trusted him. He may have been the only person he trusted yes but it was something. He leaned in and kissed him again, a little longer this time, letting his hand slide under his hair, feeling it’s soft texture as he bunched it under his fingers.

It went on for a little bit before Bucky pulled back and smiled at him. “I got an idea.” He said, taking his hand and pulling him upright. “How about we try that shower thing again?”

“Haven’t you had enough?” Steve asked teasingly, pulling him back to him a little. “I mean…”

“Seriously Rogers.” Bucky replied, brushing his lips over Steve’s saucily. “I can never get enough of you.”

“Well.” Steve said as he stood up front of Bucky on the bed. “Since you put it that way.”

“The only problem is.” Bucky replied, leaning back on his elbows, his legs partly over the side of the bed. “I’m not sure I can walk anymore.” He smiled saucily. “I think you broke me last night.”

Steve lifted his eyebrow at him. “That so?”

Bucky tossed his hair away from his eyes. “uh huh.” He replied, hooding his eyes a little, sliding sliding his foot along Steve’s leg. “Not that I’m complaining mind you.”

Leaning over him, staring hard into those beautiful blue eyes of his, seeing the taunt and tease in them. The way he slid his tongue over his own lips, just begging to be kissed again.  His gorgeous body openly displayed right in front of him. Wanting to devour him whole right there. He could feel Bucky’s strong thighs around his own and slid a hand over one of them, seeing Bucky’s flutter at the touch, the dark lashes obscuring the blue for flickers of a moment. And felt those metal fingers trailing over his abdomen, up and down, turning him on further.

Those damn fingers

“You’re asking for trouble you know that?” He growled, his lips mere inches from Bucky’s.

Of course he did. He was well aware of everything he was doing. “I am trouble.” He breathed, moving closer, moving his tongue teasingly over Steve’s lips. “And you like it.”

Steve did. He couldn’t deny that. That wildness in Bucky’s eyes always did things to him. Making him hard with a need to trap it, control it. To consume and possess it. To possess him. 

He attacked Bucky’s lips with his, their tongues wrestling aggressively for control, Bucky’s  rough stubble scraping against his skin. He felt Bucky’s hands, both of them this time, pressing on his chest. Fingers flexing, scratching, sliding all over his skin. He groaned and pulled him closer to him, feeling his legs wrap around his hips and it was all he could do not to take him right there. But then they’d never get out off bed.

Not that that was a real problem, but he’d prefer to upright at least.

So lifted him up into his arms instead, never breaking their heated kiss. Bucky smiled against his lips his arms looping around Steve’s neck. Squeezing his legs tightly around him as he was hoisted up almost effortlessly. He was not light, but it was not a problem for Steve at all and he knew Bucky loved it when he did it.

“You so strong Steven Grant Rogers.” He murmured against his lips rubbing against him a little, totally turned on now. “Or should I say… Captain.”

Steve chuckled against his lips, squeezing his ass as he carried him. “Anything for my Sergeant ” He quipped, kicking the door shut behind him.

\--

Bucky was simply appreciating the view. Not the outside one mind you.

Like watching Steve run the towel over himself kind of view. How could he not? The man was a work of art and he felt very appreciative at the moment. Leaning back against the bathroom wall as he dragged the towel over his very ample chest and shoulders, down over those hips and that ass, my goodness. He was just beautiful sight to behold and he never got over it. Not that he hadn’t loved him before, because he sure as hell had. He loved the fuck out of that little punk, literally and figuratively. But damn look at him now.

He sucked in a breath and Steve looked up at him, grinning stupidly. “What?” He asked innocently as if he had no idea what he was doing. Goddamn tease.

“I was just thinking.” He replied, saucily eyeing him up and down. “God Bless America.”

Steve raised an eyebrow at him. “Oh really?”

“Uh huh.” Looking at him with hooded eyes, his arms crossed as he leaned more against the wall. “I’m feeling very patriotic right now.”

He watched as Steve tied his towel around his waist and sauntered over to where he was standing. Putting one hand against the wall next to his head, he trailed the other over lightly over Bucky’s waist leaning over him a little. Damn he smelled good too. His lips brushed over Bucky’s teasingly.

“Too bad I didn’t bring my uniform huh?” He breathed in his ear, his stubbled tickling Bucky’s neck in a delicious way.

“Yeah.” Bucky agreed, sliding his hands around Steve and squeezing his ass .”That’s too bad..” He bit his lip thinking of it. “Especially that tight, dark blue one..”

Steve growled a little and kissed him, pressing him against the wall. Bucky smiled against his lips, not minding this all. He was all keyed up, the memories of what they’d just done in the shower still fresh in his mind. Damn he couldn’t seem to get enough of this these days. Feeling like a starving man who suddenly had a buffet in front of him.

“You know..” Steve whispered a few minutes later, his lips once again brushing over his neck deliciously. “We still haven’t had breakfast yet..”

Bucky smiled saucily, putting his lips to Steve’s ear. “I already had mine.”

He could still taste him, still feel him all over him and it was a lovely feeling. He felt so fucked out it was all he could think about and that to him was a great thing. The love, the pleasure and the desire has pushed everything else aside for the time being. Deep down he knew that stuff would be back but for right now, this was everything and he let himself drown in it.

Steve pressed a little more into him and he groaned. “Is that how it is?” He asked, his voice low and husky.

“It sure is punk.”

He knew Steve always loved when he called him, and he could see that hungry look in his eyes. And then his lips were smothered again in another heated kiss,  his body now pressed into Steve’s deliciously. Bucky’s hands sliding over that beautiful muscular back of his, up and down and all over, finding the towel around his hips and dropping it to the floor.

“You want more huh?” Steve growled against his lips.

Bucky pulled his lips slightly away, his eyes dark again. “Well that’s stupid question.” He said, his voice husky with desire now, squeezing his ass with his fingers, causing another growl.  “Even for you.”

He heard the taunt in his own voice and let it play in his eyes as well. It had the desired effect,  he was turned and pressed into the wall aggressively, causing him to smile in anticpation. His hips grabbed hard, his neck attacked with hungry lips. And soon he was being beautifully fucked right there against the wall and he couldn’t have been happier about it.

God Bless America indeed.

\--

Steve watched Bucky as he walked along the sand patch at the edge of the water. It was a nice day and they’d taken their shoes off. He was amused to see that Bucky was walking a bit funny today but what he noticed more was how he looked today.

He was wearing a hooded sweatshirt and jeans, his hair tied back from his face, his sandals hooked around his fingers, bare feet sinking in the sand every so often. He looked aired out, a healthy pallor to his face. Once again like a painting. Even so often he’d turn back to look at Steve and he could see a mall measure of peace in those stunning blue eyes of his.

He was getting better. Slowly. But it was still progress.

There were a lot more people out today and maybe he wasn’t completely relaxed about that, but he did his best to contain it and try to look as normal as possible. Steve was careful about any PDA’s knowing he still was uncomfortable with that somewhat, even though he didn’t need to be. That was take time to overcome he knew. But the fact that he was out in public at all these days, in broad daylight, was progress.

“How you feeling?” Steve asked, walking up next to him.

“You mean other than being a little sore?” He replied, smiling knowingly. “I’m good.”

Steve had to resist the urge to brush that stray strand of hair from his eyes, the one that always seemed to come loose. It was tough. “Good.” He said, stuffing his hands into his pockets instead.

Bucky saw that and got a soft look on his face. “I’m sorry Steve.” He told him, stopping to look at him. “I really am.”

“And I told you to stop apologizing.” He reprimanded. “You have nothing to be sorry for.” He smiled at him. “You getting better is all that matters Buck.”

They stood there for a moment, just sort of looking into each other’s eyes, and Steve’s could see Bucky’s self-doubt and genuine gratitude mixed together in his eyes. You could see everything in his eyes, even the things he tried to hide. It was easy to get lost in them. They were like a deep well you could drown in. And Steve was happy to do it, if only just to keep him afloat.

The moment was interrupted when a frisbee came flying by Bucky’s head, causing an almost immediate panic reaction in his eyes that Steve recognized almost immediately. Like a flashback. He seemed to reach for his pocket, where Steve he still carried a knife and without thinking Steve put his hand on his arm, stopping him. It had an immediate effect causing him to calm almost immediately.

“It’s alright.” He reassured just the same.

Suddenly a Labrador retriever ran literally right between them, almost knocking them over in its single minded pursuit of his target and Bucky looked briefly panicked again before realizing it was just a dog and settling down. He even actually smiled.

“Sorry dudes!” Someone called out to them. “My bad.”

“It’s alright!” Steve called back, trying not to draw too much attention to himself. The last thing he wanted was a crowd recognizing him. Hoping the baseball cap was enough to disguise him. “No problem.”

He turned back to Bucky who was actually smiling a little, watching the dog run back to his person eagerly, wanting him to throw it again. The smile was beautiful and lit up his face and Steve had to resist the urge to kiss him right there in front of everyone.

“I guess I got a little work to do.” Bucky said with a little laugh. “I almost stabbed a dog.”

Steve back at him. “It’s gonna take a while Buck. You just have to patient.”

“I know but.”

“It’s alright.” He reassured him. “Just remember I’m here for you okay?”

Bucky looked at him with his eyes pained and grateful at the same time. And he surprised Steve by taking his hand and kissing the fingers softly, right there on the beach. “You’re too good to me.” He whispered, closing his eyes.

“You deserve it.” He said softly in return, letting their fingers link together for a moment. “No matter what you think.”

He seemed okay with the entwined fingers. It was a subtle public gesture, and really no one really noticed or cared. They walked like that, with their fingers linked loosely together, watching the kids and the dogs and everyone else enjoying the day just like them.

Suddenly he stopped and Steve turned to him, concerned. And was surprised when Bucky turned and took his face in his hands, kissing him solidly, right there on the beach in front of everyone. He smiled against his soft lips gratefully, wrapping his arms around Bucky’s waist and pulling him closer. Both of his hands felt warm on Steve’s face, that along with the feather brush of Bucky’s hair  against his cheeks as the wind blew it around was such a lovely sensation.

When the finally pulled apart they just stared at each other, Steve at a loss for words. And was struck by how much Bucky’s eyes matched the color of the water behind him. It was stunning and he couldn’t look away.

Bucky seemed to see Steve’s surprised look and smiled softly at him. “Just wanted to do that.” He said, almost blushing at the intense way Steve was still staring at him.

“I’m not complaining.” He replied, a little breathless.

Bucky took his hand again, looping their fingers together and started walking again, even lighter than before. As if, for the moment he didn’t have a care in the world. Steve would remember this later, when things crashed again. How content and happy he looked at that very moment. Wishing he could’ve just taken a picture of it.

“This is nice.” Bucky said, turning his eyes to Steve as they walked. “I’m glad we came here.”

“Me too.” Steve agreed, swinging their hands together as they walked. “I do have some good ideas I guess.”

“Yup you do.” Bucky said, smiling a little broader. Tightening his grip on Steve’s hand, getting more comfortable with this. “Sometimes.”

Steve bumped his shoulder playfully. “You’re such a jerk.”

“And you’re still a punk” Bucky said, nudging him back just as hard. “You’re lucky I love you.”

Even though it was sort of a joke, Steve did feel lucky that he was loved too. Bucky had always loved him. Even when he was a skinny, asthmatic runt. Before he was a hero, loved by millions, a guy named Bucky Barnes had loved him and Steve never forgot that.

The walked along the edge of the lake, hand in hand for a long time just enjoying the day. And it seemed like the most natural thing in the world.

\--

They had found a place to eat, getting what was, essentially breakfast AND lunch because of the late start. Which, once again they had no regrets about. It was an unobtrustive and not too crowed place, seemed to be a family owned place and it was fine. Another way of practicing the social skills.

Bucky was still uncomfortable around strange people. Which was pretty much everyone but Steve to him. Suspicious and constantly on alert all the time was a habit he had had a hard time getting out of. Especially in broad daylight when he was far more likely to recognized.

But right now he had to go to the bathroom and he’d seemed pretty awkward asking Steve to escort him to it so he went on his own, super alert now. And the hyper-awarenes of his surroundings to the point of paranoia when he was out of Steve’s sight, may have contributed to what happened while in there.

The bathroom was a little old and rundown and there was a very noisy vent rattling. The loose fan inside causing a disruption in the air. And the light flickered a little more than it should and that combination seemed to disorient him as he went to wash his hands.

And just like that, while at the sink, it happened again.

_The rattle of the old air vent and the unsteady light blinked over him, creating a strange almost stop motion image as he was sprawled against the wall, blood coming out of his mouth and nose. A shadow falling over him as his tormenter, another nameless one stood over him. It was his fists that had caused the blood, and the bruised chest that had made him breathless._

_“You can make this stop.” The voice said in Russian. “You know what to do.”_

_He looked up at the man almost defiantly, what defiance he could still muster and bright light went through his head again and he knocked forcefully against the wall. Dizzy now and still unable to breathe, he leaned on his metal arm, the other dislocated earlier and still limp._

_“That was not the correct answer Soldier.”_

_Even though the truth was there really wasn’t one. He knew that even then. Not a verbal answer at least. He was only allowed to answer orders, that was all._

_He managed to pull himself to his knees and look at his master, dazed. “Please.” He whispered, his voice slurred with pain._

_“It will stop when you do what your told Soldier.”_

_His hair was grabbed and.._

Suddenly he was back in the bathroom again, the flickering lights like the ones in the training room. The same rattling sound of old machinery. Bucky blinked in the light, the memory so fresh and real, he could smell the damp air and his own blood as he breathed through his nose.

He shook, the edge of the memory still there like a yawning abyss he was terrified to look into because there was.. something there. Something hideous that he was still shrinking away from.

Feeling dizzy and sick, Bucky turned blindly and nearly ran into someone. His instant reaction was to shove them back away from him protectively. But when his vision cleared he saw it was Steve, and relief fell though him for a second.

“You okay?” He asked him, his hand on his shoulder, the other brushing his hair. “You were taking a while and I got worried.”

Bucky stared him, confused and disorientated, trying to pull his head back together from what had just happened. He let Steve steady him as he stood there, trying to figure out what to say. Deciding he didn’t want to get into it with him. Didn’t want to worry him too much.

“I’m fine.” He lied, not making eye contact. “Just felt a little sick that’s all.”

Steve didn’t look like he believed him. “You sure that’s all it is.”

“Yeah.” He replied a little shortly. “That’s it.”

Feeling Steve’s hand brush his hair back a little, the memory came back again. Of bloody, his hair being grabbed. Some horror he didn’t not want to look at. The abyss yawning in front of him now. Dark and menacing. Threatening to swallow him again. Whatever was in there was yanking him into it, pulling on him. There were monsters down there, and they were starting to nip at his heels again. Getting closer.

He needed to make it stop. Needed to obliterate it.

“We need to go back.” He said in a low, almost desperate voice. “Right now..” He gripped his shirt, looking him into his eyes darkly. “Please..”

Steve looked concerned, seeing something in his eyes that worried him. “Buck?” He asked, his hand cupping his face. “What is it?”

He looked in his eyes, wanting to spill it, to tell him how afraid he was that he was losing his mind. That he could feel something scratching inside his head now. That he was feeling dangerous again. Truth was he was terrified of this. This madness in his head. He gripped Steve’s shirt a little tighter as if to steady himself.

He knew what he wanted. What he needed.

To be restrained, controlled. To get that lovely oblivion that only Steve knew how to take him to.

“Just take me home.” He growled, almost desperately, his face a mere inch from Steve’s. “I need you.”

\--

They made it to the cabin okay, but Bucky was practically climbing on him before they even got to the door. Kissing him deeply, his body pressed into him. Steve didn’t thwart this at all. In fact, he grabbed his ass and picked him up the way he liked, letting him wrap his legs around him as he fumbled with the key.

“Hurry up Rogers.” Bucky moaned against his lips, his fingers in Steve’s hair. “Or you’re pants.. are coming off right here..” 

“Sorry..” Steve apologized, unlocking the door. “It’s kind… of hard when… I’m being attacked.”

Bucky grinned and bit Steve’s lip playfully, rubbing against him, causing him to groan. “Is that… what I’m … doing?” He breathed in his ear “You don’t seem to mind..“ He growled breathily shoving his tongue back in his mouth again, his hand sliding down his back and under the waistband of Steve’s pants.

He was right about that. In spite of his concern, this sudden mania on Bucky’s part was.. well turning him on to a large degree. There was something extremely arousing about that mad look in his eyes.  And when Steve had time or coherency to examine himself he might’ve thought there was something wrong with him too.

But right now..

Finally getting it unlocked, Steve kicked the door open and carried him inside before kicking it shut behind him. Bucky’s tongue was basically in his tonsils and he could barely see what he was doing but managed to find the bed, tearing their lips apart and dropping him on it heavily, leaning over him as Bucky grab the loops of his belt and kissed him again feverishly, making short work of his jacket and shirt.

“I want you..” Bucky growled against his lips, pulling on his jeans again. “Now..”

“Really?” Steve replied, feeling the desire in him too. The need. Pulling Bucky’s shirt over his head and tossing it aside. “I couldn’t tell..”

Bucky looked up at him, his hands sliding over his chest, hair handing in his wild eyes. Looking feral, wanting. Possessed.  “So what are you waiting for?” He asked, his voice husky and low. “Fuck me..”

Those words, the force in which he said them, gave him pause for a moment. Seeing the wildness in Bucky’s deep blue eyes. Like demons dancing under the surface. And also, a hidden desperation as well.  Those eyes were deep wells and he was drowning in them.

“Is that what you really want?” he asked, leaning over him a little. “To be fucked?”

Bucky dragged his lips over his chest, causing Steve to shiver. “Yes..” He said, his voice low as he looked up at him with hooded eyes. “I want you to fuck me so h ard…” He ran his tongue over his abs as he spoke. “that I can’t feel my legs..”

Steve literally felt himself getting hard at his words and fisted Bucky’s hair, pulling his head back to look at him. Bucky’s mouth opened, his tongue running over his luscious lips deliciously. His eyes were dark, full of desire, completely turned on by this aggressiveness.  And saw something else as well. Recognition. Familiarity. And somewhere in the far reaches of his mind, Steve knew it wasn’t hundred percent right but he also knew he wanted to pound him into the mattress as well. It was the look in his eyes. That half-mad, feral look. It turned him on in a way that was scary, and exciting at the same time.

“Ask me again.” Steve growled at him, hand still gripping his hair.  Pulling head back more to nip at his neck. “Beg me..”

“Fuck me..” Bucky moaned, his thighs gripping Steve’s. “Please…”

The sound of that word, the beg in his voice. The fire in his eyes and Steve was more than ready. He gripped his hips and pulled him against him. “Okay then..” 

Bucky smiled and attacked his lips again as Steve pulled his jeans off him and leaned over further onto the bed. He could feel Bucky’s hands pushing under his jeans He sucked on his lip as he pushed them down pulling it a little with his teeth. “I do… have…a request..” He breathed into their kiss, his fingers pressing into Steve’s ass, teasing him with a finger.

“Do you?” He asked, groaning a little. “What…is…it?”

Bucky pulled his lips away and looked at him with dark eyes. “Don’t hold back..”

Steve looked down at him, at that wanton wildness in his eyes. The darkness in them. Feeling him start to really drown in the well. “If that’s what you want.”  He said, his voice low and husky. “Turn around.”

He heard the command in his own voice and saw Bucky’s eyes roll at the sound of it. And he obeyed that command, turning his back to Steve. His hands grabbed his hips and pulled his ass to him and gave in to his own desire as well. He would take care of him later, but right now he would give him exactly what he wanted.

But first.

Using his fingers, he parted his cheeks and attacked him with his mouth, devouring him. He heard Bucky moan thickly and rock against him as he used his tongue and lips to pleasure him. He plunged his tongue into him and swirled around, gripping his thighs hard as he did so. Warming him up for the main event.

He pulled him closer and worked him into a frenzy, feeling him writhe and buck against him as he continued to fuck him with his tongue, feasting on him hungrily, driving him to the point of madness.

“Steve…” He heard Bucky moan. “please…”

He smiled and continued to feast on him, driving him crazy. Wanting him to literally beg for it again. He was so hard it was painful, but he could wait, enjoying himself too much. He could hear Bucky whimper as he started to come and, gripped his ass tighter, consuming him like a starving man.

He finished up, finally releasing him. He then leaned over his back, gripping his hips again as he spoke into his ear. “Say it again.” He asked him huskily. “Beg me for it.”

He heard Bucky whimper, his fingers flexing into the blanket. He knew it was what he wanted, but Steve himself felt turned on by this too. By the dominance and his submission. Even as a part of him knew the real reason Bucky wanted it and it hurt him. He wanted to forget. To be fucked into oblivion. To be annihilated. And Steve was willing to give him that if it would calm the monsters in his head even for a few minutes. He’d give him anything really.

“Please..” Bucky begged him, his body shaking with anticipation. “Please..”

Steve growled and gripped his hips even harder, and pushed hard into him, filling him instantly. Hit bit down on his shoulder as he did, and Bucky yelped in pleasure at the dual sensations. He began to move hard into him, his hands pulling his hips against him, chewing on his neck, losing himself in it. Feeling the dark desire himself and wondering if it was contagious. Didn’t matter really.

“You.. want.. more?” He growled, emphasizing each word with a hard thrust. “Say…it..”

“Yesss.” Bucky moaned, his hair flying in Steve’s face. “More…”

He fucked him harder, slamming against him, hearing Bucky make guttural animal noises. Steve was gripping him so hard he knew he would leave deep purple marks on his hips and at the moment he didn’t care. Was lost in the passion. The more noises Bucky made the more he was turned on by it, pounding him harder and deeper, pulling Bucky’s back against his chest, his legs spread wide over Steve’s, his hands gripping sheets so hard they the knuckles were white.  He could see his mouth open, his glazed eyes rolling.

“Say it!” He growled in his ear.

Bucky’s mouth worked and he found the air. “Hareder...” He cried out, his hands his hands sliding behind him to Steve’s hips. “Please…”

And Steve pulled Bucky’s hips hard against him and just pummeled him now, pushing his face down into the pillow as he did.  Inarticulate noises squeaked out of him, muffled into the pillow, his hands falling limp by his sides, his legs push further,000 letting himself be fucked almost mercilessly now. 

It went on for a while, a punishing pace, Bucky’s loud moans muffled against the pillow until Steve grabbed his hair and pulled him against his body, feeling the end coming very soon.

And then it happened. He groaned as he came, feeling Bucky’s body shudder against his, his head falling back on Steve’s shoulder again, mouth agape. Steve wrapped his hand around Bucky’s sweaty forehead and turned it to him so he could see his eyes as they shuddered together.  They were deep, dark blue, half-lidded and beautiful.

There was no words, not that he had the breath for them anyways. He took his lips as he held him in there, still buried instead him. Bucky moaned into the kiss and shudders still ran through his body.

When he released his lips Bucky’s head seemed to drop forward, his hair hanging in his face. His breathing ragged. Steve wrapped his arms around his chest and held him there, burying his face into his shoulder. He didn’t know whether it was exhaustion or not, but he felt emotional. His eyes stung.

He slid Bucky off him, letting his body sit between his legs and just held him from behind like that, his face pressed into shoulder, his hand wrapping around his head and pulling it back against him. Feeling tears for reasons he didn’t understand.  “I love you Buck.” He whispered, burying his face in his hair.  Holding him close to his body and his heart.

\--

Bucky lay with his back against Steve’s chest, arms hanging limply at his sides, still gasping for breath. He could feel his arm around his chest, his hand on his head. Could feel his face buried in his hair. He felt exhausted, his body racked with pleasure. Feeling pleasantly sore and thoroughly fucked. Couldn’t move if he wanted to. Not that he really wanted to. But he sensed that Steve was off a little. Just a feeling based on the way he was still sitting there holding him like this.

“Steve..” He whispered softly, his eyes fluttering tiredly. “What’s wrong?”

He felt him nuzzled the back of his neck, his fingers flex on his abdomen. “Nothing.” He replied quietly, pressing his lips to the back of Bucky’s neck. “It’s alright.”

Bucky put his hand on the one Steve had around his waist “Tell me.”

“It’s just..” He said, entwining his fingers with Bucky’s. “It dosen’t always have to hurt you know?”

Bucky squeezed his eyes shut, as if what Steve said hit a little too close to home. “Sometimes I need it to.” He admitted tiredly. “I don’t know why.”

Sometimes he really didn’t know why, other times he did. Sometimes there was a tickle of something dark. He’d felt earlier, nipping at his mind following his flashback. Making him want to be hurt. To be punished. There was something in him that came out and took over.

He felt Steve turn his head to his and kiss him again softly. There was a tenderness in it that made Bucky feel emotional himself. The hand on his face stroking his cheek softly as they held their lips together for a long time, their lips slightly parted, taking in each other’s breath.

Steve turned slightly on his hip and pulled him down on his side and pulled his body against his. Back against his chest. He could feel himself drifting off, his eyes fluttering closed, Steve’s face buried in his hair and his arm wrapped tightly around him. He curled one of his feet around Steve’s as he started to sink into the silky depts of sleep. Giving in to it.

But it wasn’t a restful sleep. It never was. He twitched as it roamed into the usual horrible places. His vision earlier coming more into detail.

_He was broken, bloody, his matted hair stuck his face. And they had stripped him of his clothes as well. His whole world was pain and more pain. They beat him for hours sometimes. Conditioning they call it. Others would call it torture. Abuse. And it didn’t stop at just bruises and broken bones. Some were much more sadistic than others._

_There were all kinds of ways to degrade and humiliate. To break you down._

_And this one was really good at it. Seemed to enjoy it._

_“Come here soldier.” The voice said in Russian. It was not a request._

_And he knew he didn’t mean walk over either. He’d been here many times before._

_He crawled on his hands and knees, feeling the cold floor underneath them. His metal fingers scraped on the concrete, every movement cause some blood to seep out of his shoulder._

_He didn’t have a name anymore. It was just Soldier. Asset.  He’d just about forgotten what his real name was. They had beaten it out of him._

_It seemed to take forever, because everything hurt. But he finally ended up at the boot clad feet. He didn’t look up. That wasn’t allowed either._

_He had to know his place._

_A hand came down and gripped his hair, fisting it and turning his bloody face upward. His eyes showed total submission. You didn’t even hint anything else_

_He heard a familiar sound. Knew what it meant. It was all about control. About orders. And you didn’t dare say no. You did what you were told. The punishment was far worse. He knew because he’d refused this before. And paid for it._

_He opened his mouth obediently and his head was pulled forward by the hair. And his mind went away again. To a dim memory of someone whose name he couldn’t remember. A kiss. Fireworks. It was a deep safe place in his mind that he hid from them. A refuge._

_“That’s good soldier..” the voice said. “Very good.”_

Bucky woke up violently, tearing himself out of Steve’s arms and practically falling on the floor. His mouth filling with a rancid taste. He was still half dreaming, or at least that’s what it felt like. His head was screaming NOOO at the dream, denying it’s meaning as he scuttled a little across the floor on his bare ass, away from the bed and Steve. He was horrified. The trauma of the memory overwhelming him and causing his sanity to teeter.

When he felt hands on his arms, he pushed back violently, out of fear and protection. Thinking those hands were going make him do it again. And worse. He whimpered and backed into the wall behind him, curling up and away from the shadow in front of him. He just kept whimpering “No.” over and over again, Retreating back into his head again, away from all of it. He didn’t want to remember anymore.

\--

Steve was frightened as yet again Bucky seemed to have a horrifying nightmare. One that he couldn’t seem to tear himself out of. “Buck?” He whispered to him, trying to get a hold of him but he kept shirking away whimpering. “It’s me.. it’s okay..”

But it wasn’t. And he could see that he’d gone away. The look in his eyes wasn’t Bucky. Not as he knew him. These eyes were icier, and a little wider. He knew who he was looking at.

“Soldier?” He asked, his Russian rusty but it did the trick.

He stood up and backed up and watched as the Soldier got up on his knees. Almost looking through him. “Rady to comply.” He said tonelessly. It was one of the phrases in Russian Steve actually knew. And it was the first time the Soldier himself had spoken.

“What happened to Bucky?” He asked him. “Tell me.”

The Soldier looked at him mistrustfully. Not answering.

“I’m not gonna hurt him.” He reassured him, knowing he was, in a way, protecting Bucky from something.

“He must comply.”  He answered simply.

The Soldier crawled over on his knees in front of Steve and put his hands on his hips, and before Steve could stop it, he had his mouth on him, enveloping him in its’ warmth. Steve’s eyes rolled and his body reacted involuntarily to this. Because his mouth, holy hell it felt good.

He almost lost himself in it for a moment but then it hit him. He understood. And was horrified, his erection immediately fading. They had abused him.  Exerted control any way they could.  Made him submit to them. Just like this.

There was after all, all kinds of ways to abuse and control someone.  And the Soldier had taken over because Bucky could not deal with it.

And if he allowed him to continue, he’d be abusing him too. And he would never do that. Not in a million years.

He grabbed his head and pulled him o ff him, looking down at his confused eyes. “No.” He said softly as much to the Soldier as to Bucky. “You don’t have to.” His hand stroked his hair as he held his face. “Not if you don’t want to.”

This seemed to confuse him even more. His eyes registered this, and Steve could see the transformation as the Soldier struggled to understand this. He was being given a choice. Something they had denied him. The right to free will.

“You don’t have to.” He repeated,  his hand on his head. “You don’t.”

At that point the consciousness seemed to leave his eyes and they were simply blank. Vacant. Steve dropped down on the floor in front of him, still holding his face as he sat there. “Bucky?” He asked worriedly. “It’s okay you can come back.”

He just continued to stare blankly into nothing. Catatonic.  Steve held his face, looking for something any sign that he was in there but there was just nothing. Bucky had retreated somewhere deep inside himself. Unable to cope. He pulled him into his arms with a sob, feeling hip limp body give no resistance at all. He sat there and rocked him in his arms, giving him what little comfort he could, hoping he could feel it wherever he was, deep in his head.

But he couldn’t’ stay there, so he picked him up and brought him back to the bed, laying down and wrapping him in his arms. “I love you Buck..” H whispered into his hair as he pulled the blankets around him.

It wasn’t just despair he felt at that moment. It was anger. Rage was more accurate. They had done so much to him and he want to find every single one that was left and rip their beating hearts out. To make them suffer like they had done to Bucky.

But right now, he just needed to love him, so he put it away and just held him tighter, waiting for him to come back from the place he’d retreated to. He would hold him until he did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so, to start off this revelation was very hard to write. I take these things seriously knowing people who’ve been though abuse I never write it tightly. It is a very serous subject for me as I know many people, both female and male who've hurt in these and made to things they didn't want. It's purpose in this story to show the issue of forced consent. Something that will be expanded on the next couple of chapters. 
> 
> The Winter Soldiers actions are basically a reenactment of a trauma that Bucky was, and is unable to deal with, and implies something I’ve theorized on that he exists in part to deal with the horrors that Bucky couldn’t handle. This idea is not new to psychology, the idea that extreme traumas can create separate personalities. Not everyone believe in it of course but it’s interesting story wise for me. The Soldier can show and tell Steve things that Bucky can’t deal with, and is, in his own way a separate person, with separate memories. This will be expanded on even more as it moves along. 
> 
> The hella rough sex scene is also a part of this as well. Bucky does in some ways, use this as a way of escaping as you've seen in a few earlier chapters. But it was also important for me to show that's it's not always the case, as the earlier bathroom funtime illustrates. And the fact that Steve seems to somewhat enjoy controlling is something that will be addressed because there is some interesting psychology there too coming up. 
> 
> Sorry about where it ended btw if you want to yell at me fine go end but I don't pick where the chapters end they just do. 
> 
> The next chapter will be extremely rough, just a warning. Bucky is not going to react well to this at all.


	7. The Abyss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This the last of rough drafts (not the last of the chapters there will be plenty more) but the updates won't come as quickly after after that. But this chapter is very angsty and painful in place. More notes to follow.

Bucky woke up slowly, feeling slightly confused at how he found himself once again.  First of all, he was dressed in bedclothes and knew he didn’t fall asleep like that. And secondly, Steve had him wrapped up so tight in his arms he almost couldn’t breathe. The last thing he remembered was falling asleep being loosely spooned.

Something had happened. He was sure of it. Steve only held him like this when he was scared.

“Steve?” He whispered, shifting a little, trying to wake him. “Steve?”

At the second ask, he saw Steve’s eyes flew open and a look of worry, followed by intense relief and crunched him tighter against him, and Bucky was really scared now.

“What happened?” He asked, trying to pull away from him. “What’s wrong?”

Steve pulled back, the worry still plain in blue eyes, and seemed to mull the question. As if he wasn’t sure he wanted to answer it. “You just.. you had a bad one last night  and… “ He trailed off for a moment, his hand on Bucky’s face. “You… went away for a while..”

Bucky’s face pinched in confusion, trying to think. Trying to remember this. There was something. Something tingling on the edge of his memory. Maddeningly out of reach. Like a lot of his memories most of the time. He remembered something about being on the floor and it was hanging there, jumbled and weird.

“I did?” He asked, searching Steve’s eyes for any kind of clue. “I don’t.. remember.”

This was happening a lot lately. He was doing things in his sleep and Steve never elaborated on them. Even though sometimes he’d looked worried or scared. It was alarming to Bucky that he couldn’t’ remember what he did. Because one day he could something awful.

“You don’t?” Steve asked, and Bucky swore he saw some relief in his eyes, and this just upset him.

“What did I do?”

“You didn’t do anything.” Steve said, a little too quickly. “You just kind of fell of the bed and said some stuff in Russian.”

He was lying. Bucky knew it, Steve couldn’t lie for shit. His eyes said everything. There was something he was keeping from him. But he sensed it was to protect him in some way. 

“Tell me the truth Steve.” He said, his eyes stern and serious, siting up in front of him. “You think I don’t know when you’re lying.”

“Bucky it’s not important it was just a nightmare.”

“You know I don’t just have nightmares Steve.” He replied with a little more anger in his voice. “I have events.”

“Buck..” Steve said, his voice quiet and full of pain. “Please.”

What the hell could’ve happened that he was this reluctant to tell him. He searched Steve for injuries and examined himself internally, not finding anything that hurt that he couldn’t account for. So what?

All of a sudden something fell into his head, like a missing piece of a jigsaw puzzle. A memory. Of him curled up on the floor, against the wall, Steve crouching in front of him, trying to comfort him, and he kept pushing him away because…and then… another memory fell in…and… and..

It hit him all at once. The reason he was cowering in the corner. Why he couldn’t let Steve touch him. A horrifying memory that had just broken through, pouring into his mind with terrifying clarity.  And he started to shake violently.

The man. His handler. Him beaten and crawling to him. Feeling his hair pulled back, blood in his mouth and dripping into his eyes.. The command. The.. taste…

And other things as well. Painful things. It all fell in and he was horrified.

They had… He had…

“Buck?” He heard Steve’s voice, seeming from far away.

Bucky tore himself away from Steve, practically jumping back. Not from fear but…. Horror.

“I…I…” He stammered, the taste in his mouth suddenly made him want to throw up. “Oh..my God…”

Steve reached for him and he flinched away, not wanting him to touch him. Not out of fear but out of terrible, horrible shame and revulsion. He felt filthy, soiled. He could feel it all over his skin and in his mouth. He didn’t want Steve to touch him because he didn’t want to taint him too.

“Buck..” Steve whispered, trying to move closer to him. “It wasn’t your fault..” He tried to touch his face and Bucky shirked away from him again, disgusted with himself. “None of it was.”

“How can you say that!” He yelled, despair in his voice. “when I did…thata..”

He couldn’t finish the sentence. He made a despairing sound, never thinking it was possible to feel worse than he had but he did. It was so horrifying. Now that those pieces were falling in, it didn’t stop raining. Memories of horrible means of abuse. Of pain and suffering on every level. They had… done things to him. Got him to do things. He was drowning in the horror of it.

“Bucky.” Steve said, closer now. “Don’t do this to yourself.”

He reached for him again, his hand actually touching his shoulder and Bucky recoiled as if burned. Everything seemed bright and a little blurry, his eyes dilated from fear and horror, his body maxed up with adrenaline. In protection mode. If Steve touched him Bucky was terrified he might hurt him, and knew he totally had no control over it.

“Stay away.” He warned, backing as far back on the bed as he could. “just don’t…”

He practically fell off the bed trying to get off it. He was going to be sick, he could feel it rising in him. Needing to get away and get to the bathroom now. And he just barely made it, emptying his stomach until he was dry heaving.

The taste was still there. Now that he knew it was like it was never going to go away. It was too much. He looked up and saw Steve standing near him but respecting his space. Not touching him. Bucky looked at him, terribly pained because, it was just a horrible mess.

He couldn’t let him touch him. Even though he had touched him plenty before. It was like a block . He couldn’t bear the very idea of it now. All he could think of was what he saw in his head and it colored everything in terrible smears, tainting it all. All their kisses, all their touches. Everything. And it hurt so goddamn much.

“Can you just.. leave me alone please?” He asked in a terribly broken voice. “It’s not… Ijust.. need to be alone.”

Steve nodded, the pain in his eyes very clear as well. He could see that all he wanted to do was just hold him and damn Bucky wanted him to. To feel his arms around him, to feel his hands and his kisses but he just… couldn’t let him.

“I’ll be out here if you need me okay?” He said softly, getting up to leave. “I love you.. remember that.”

Bucky tried to give him a brave smile, but he couldn’t. “I know.” He whispered back, his eyes to convey how sorry was.

When the door closed, and he was alone his face broke and he shook violently. Bracing himself, he got up and turned the water on in the shower, stripping himself and got in. Needing to get clean again.

He leaned his hands against the wall and let the searing hot water practically burn his skin.  Turning it red as he just tried like hell to wash it all out. He hung his head under the spray and just felt himself start to sob softly. It was the only thing he could do right now.

\--

Steve could hear the shower running, remembering him last night, thinking that was worst thing he’d seen. But he was wrong.

The terrified look in Bucky’s eyes when he’d tried to touch him absolutely killed him. Once the memory had fallen in it was like he was back to before, unable to bear to be touched. It was so terrifying how quickly it happened. All the progress had come to not only a screeching halt but went in reverse before he could even apply the brake.

He picked up his phone, just needing to talk to someone.

He dialed up Sam and waited for the answer. It didn’t take long, Sam most likely saw his number and answered immediately.

“What’s wrong?” He heard him ask immediately.

Steve debated how much to tell him, thinking of Bucky’s privacy. And his own. But he couldn’t say nothing, so he elected for the middle ground.

“He remembered something.“ Steve told him, taking a deep breath. “Something bad and… now he’s not doing so well.”

“How bad?”

“They abused him Sam.” He confessed, just needed to say it. “Worse than I thought.”

He let that hang for a moment, having an idea Sam might have known what he meant when he said that, because he couldn’t bring himself to say it out loud. It just hurt him too much.

“Is he okay?”

Steve closed his eyes. “No.”

“How about you?” Sam asked. “Are you okay?”

“No.” He admitted, not even bothering to hide it. “He won’t even let me touch him Sam.” He pressed his hand to his head. “I don’t know what to do.”

Sam seem to pause before he answered. “I’m not an expert in that Steve but it’s still a trauma.” He told him finally. “You gotta treat it the same way. You just gotta be there for him.”

“I’m tying but.’ He pushed out, trying not to get emotional. “I don’t think I’m doing enough.”

“You are.” Same reassured him. “You have been, and he knows that.”

He was so angry, and he felt it leaking out of him. “I just want to.. find any of those bastards that are left and just… rip them piece.” He confessed, letting him hear it his voice. “I want them to suffer.”

“And what goods that gonna do him?” Sam asked pointedly.

“I don’t know but I would make me feel better.”

He was just imagining all the things he would do to any living members of Hydra if he ever found them. How he would make them crawl and beg for mercy and he would just continue to rip them up until there was nothing left. It filled his mind, taking away the hurt for a moment and replacing it with hot anger.

“He dosen’t need you to be angry right now, what he needs is your strength.“ Sam told him, his voice still even. “He needs to know that you still love him, and that’s you’re here with him, when he’s ready And believe it or not, it’s what you need too. “

That seemed to calm him a little. A voice of reason. He could still hear the shower going on and was this close to getting up and checking on him when he heard it turn off. He let out a breath and tried to turn his attention back to the call.

“I know it’s just.” He said quietly. “it’s hard sometimes.”

“It’s not supposed to be easy.” He replied and then added. “I can send you some more stuff if you want.”

“Okay.” He said, legitly grateful for Sam right now. “Thank you Sam.”

“Anytime.” He answered. “And if you need anything just.. call okay.”

“I will.”

He hung up and put the phone aside, sitting in the chair. He heard the bathroom door open and saw Bucky come out. He had a long sleeve shirt on now and a pair of sweatpants. Steve had left them on the adjoining part of the bathroom. His skin looked raw and red from the hot water and possibly scrubbing. And his eyes looked.. hesitant. Fearful as he looked at Steve. He was eerily reminded of the way he’d looked when he’d found him in Romania. That skittish, injured animal look. And boy did that hurt.

“You okay?” He asked, not moving from his chair, just letting him set the rules right now.

“I don’t know.” It seemed like an honest answer. He walked over slowly and sat on the edge of the bed. “I just don’t know.”

He sat there, his hands dangling between his legs, the fingers of his flesh hand intertwined with his metal ones. His still damp hair was hanging in front of his eyes, and Steve had to fight the urge to push it away from his face. To just wrap him up in his arms and just, hold him. But he stayed right where he was.

“Do you want to talk about it?” He tried, watching him carefully.

Bucky looked up at him under his hair, his eyes haunted. “No..” He said quietly, barely above a whisper. “I can’t.”

He nodded. “Okay.”

“I’m sorry Steve.”

The broken way he said it hurt his heart so much. “Don’t be sorry Buck.” He told him, as gently as possible. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

He watched as Bucky ran his hands over his face and through his hair and then seemed to pause. “I’m tired.” He said with a heavy sigh.

“Get some rest then.” He told him, telling him with his eyes it was okay to do this. That he was safe. “It’s alright.”

Bucky seemed lay down, curling up on his side, facing him. He wasn’t small by any means but it always amazed Steve how he could sometimes make himself that way and right now he seemed that way. Small and vulnerable. He watched him, seemingly watching him back, almost as if he was afraid he’d disappear or something. Finally, he closed his eyes and started to fall asleep.

Steve watched him for a while. Looking for signs of restlessness until he was sure he was fast asleep and turned to the laptop, hoping to find some answers.

\--

Bucky woke up a little while later, feeling a little cold. Missing being held while he slept But he couldn’t allow it.  It was just, he didn’t want to touch him, or be touched. He felt dirty and tainted and not worthy of it. It was confusing because a part of him wanted that touch so bad again. To make love until they fell asleep, but anytime he thought about it all he could see was himself on his knees in front of that monster. And it turned any desire he had to ash.

What a difference a day makes.

Steve was understanding enough to give him that space and let him lay there by himself like he seemed to want to. Although he could see it hurt him. But he was grateful that Steve was giving him that space. Because he needed to sort himself out again. Every time something happened like this, he needed to put himself back together essentially and reassess. And no one could this for him.

“You hungry?” Steve asked, sitting at the table with his laptop.

Bucky looking up at him surprised a little out of his thoughts by the question. He had sat up a little while ago, his knees bent and his elbows resting on them, just thinking. He’d been sitting like this for an hour or so, shifting every so often. He realized he was hungry, his stomach was rumbling and up until now he hadn’t wanted to eat anything because he’d felt sick.

“Yeah.” He answered, his throat dry, from not talking. “That would be nice.”

He tried to tell Steve with his eyes that he was sorry about all of this. Sorry he was hurting him so much and shutting him out. That it had nothing to do with him. He was just a broken mess inside.  That he didn’t deserve him. Hoping he knew.

“Alright.” He said, smiling softy at Bucky. “I’ll order something.” He sat down on the edge of the bed and very carefully moved some hair out of Bucky’s face. He felt his eyes flutter a little at the touch. “You up for pizza?”

He bit his lip a little. “Yeah sounds good.”

“What kind?”

“You know what kind punk.” He sassed a little, trying to lighten his mood. “Same as always.”

“Lots of cheese lots of meat got it.” Steve sassed back. “So predictable.”

There was a place not far away, for the tourists apparently and they delivered.  Brining a pizza and some nice sugary soda that just seemed to hit the spot. They didn’t talk much as they ate, just sort of did it quietly and companionably. And maybe sort of studied each other a little over the slices of pizza.

Steve put his soda down and burped loudly, clapping his hand over his mouth which caused Bucky to actually laugh. “You’re so gross Rogers.” He said, still chortling a little. “Can’t take you anywhere.”

“Speak for yourself asshole.” Steve admosihed. “I think you still have the longest and loudest on record at Jimmy’s.”

This memory was a bit fuzzy for him, a lot of the earlier ones were, but he relied on Steve’s recall of it. “Point taken.” He chuckled. “But still that was pretty nasty just saying.”

It felt good to just do this. To just act normal again. It pushed things back a little, at least for the moment. He needed this sometimes. To remember he was someone else before all this had happened to him.

“How are you feeling?” Steve asked finally as they finished up.

“I don’t know.” He said honestly, pushing his hair back with his hand. “I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel.”

“You got the right to feel whatever you want about it.” Steve told him. “There’s no wrong way Buck.” He paused and added. “Except to blame yourself.”

He ran his hands over his face and through his hair again. “It’s kinda hard not to.”

“It’s not your fault.” Steve said again just as adamantly. “And I’m gonna keep telling you that until you believe it.”

He chuckled a little and drank the rest of his soda. “You might lose your voice doing that.”

He wasn’t sure whether it was because he couldn’t face what they’d done to him, or that he just couldn’t admit it. Almost like admitting acknowledged a weakness. That maybe he let them do it. It was easier to blame himself he supposed.

“You never had a choice in any of it Buck.”

“I know.” He replied, finally lifting his eyes to really look at him. “Dosen’t make me feel any better though.”

He could see Steve wanted to just come over and put his arms around him but knew that he could see in Bucky’s he wasn’t quite ready yet either. And he hated himself for that. He had no problem with this yesterday. But that was before. Before those memories had snapped back in.

“It’s not you Steve.” He told him, his voice breaking as he felt the need to explain himself. Almost to apologize. “I just… feel so.. I feel it all over me.” He looked away, almost down at the floor. “Feel them..”

It felt like a film all over his skin. Inside his nose, inside his mouth. Everywhere they’d touched or hurt him over the years. He’d felt it before but not like this. It felt like it would never come off him. Along with all the blood on his hands. He could still smell that too. He didn’t want to get it on Steve. Didn’t want to taint him with it. Not anymore.

“Buck.” He said softly, walking carefully over to him. Not too quickly. “It’s okay.”

Bucky looked down at his hands, his mind in hell again. “It’ll never be okay.”

“Yes It will.” He heard him say, standing right in front of him. “It’s just gonna take some time that’s all.”

He lifted his head and looked up at him, his eyes wide, his lip trembling a little. He needed contact. Some kind of contact. A grounding with reality.  Steve just stood there looking down at him. Letting him make the move. Bucky raised his arms and wrapped them around Steve’s waist and pressed his face into his stomach. He felt Steve’s hands on his shoulders and trembled a little. The memory of it invading him again, the images flooding his mind.

“I’m sorry.” He murmured into his shirt. “I’m so sorry.”

“Stop apologizing.” Steve told him, wrapping both hands around Bucky’s head and holding him to him. “You don’t have to.”

Bucky took a deep breath and let it out, just keeping his face pressed into Steve’s shirt, his fingers clutching the back of it. His face was scrunched a bit, trying to hold himself together. Needing a tether from the edge of the abyss that was about to swallow him again.

When Steve’s fingers touched his hair, the flash of his hair being pulled and yanked back when through his head and he flinched a little but didn’t pull away. He wasn’t going to let them take that touch. He just rode it out instead.

“He.. pulled my hair..” He whispered against his stomach. “When he… “

“Sssh.” He heard Steve say softly. “You don’t have to.”

Bucky felt himself rise up and bury his face in Steve’s shoulder, just letting him hold him. He just couldn’t deny himself the contact anymore. He needed his arms around him right now. He put his arms around Steve’s neck and just stood there like that, feeling his hand on his back, one in his hair, cradling his head.

It was all he wanted right now. And it was enough.

\--

It was late in the afternoon still, but it had already seemed like a long day. Because it had been.

Steve sat up against the head board, Bucky was laying on his leg with his arm wrapped around it. Steve was careful about what he did at this point, only touching him on the top of his head, but even being careful not to trigger anything. It was like walking a precarious tightrope right now. 

But at least he was here instead on the other side of the bed. That was something. But he wasn’t going to push it right now.

He read what Sam had sent him on his phone as he sat there, trying to understand what he was dealing with right now. Reading that often times, it didn’t matter when the said abuse occurred, if it was suddenly recalled, the trauma was fresh and needed to be treated as such.  It didn’t matter if he was fine with everything yesterday, today he wasn’t.

Steve remembered what Bucky had said about the hair pulling. Recalling that he’d done this a few times himself when Bucky was doing that to him. Or even last night in the midst of his roughly asking him to ‘beg for it.’ And suddenly he felt a little sick himself.

“Buck?” He asked him quietly. “About yesterday.”

Bucky seemed to stare at the wall as held Steve’s leg still, almost like an anchor. “What about it?” He asked almost tonelessly.

“Was it okay?” He asked carefully. “The.. things I did..”

He didn’t answer right away, and Steve was a little worried. Thinking about how rough it was. The demands, the domination. Hoping he didn’t actually really hurt him in some way. Maybe triggered this.

“Yeah it was.” Bucky finally answered, holding his leg a little tighter. “I wanted it like that.”

He wasn’t sure if he was telling the truth or not. If he was just trying to placate him or something. But he wanted to ask the question just the same. Because he’d sensed something. Some tickle in is mind that had told him there been something wrong even then. Something he’d pushed aside and now wished he hadn’t.

Remembering the incident in the restaurant bathroom, and how Bucky had changed after that. His whole demeanor had. From happy and carefree to haunted and on edge. Which progressed to the wildness and ferocity of what followed.

“Why did you want it like that?” He asked, watching him carefully, seeing if he would actually answer.

“I don’t know.” Bucky answered, closing his eyes, scrunching his face a little as if trying to remember. “I think I wanted you to.. hurt me.”  

Steve laid his head against the headboard, pained at that answer. “I don’t want to hurt you Buck.”

“It kind of seemed like you did.” Bucky responded in that same flat voice. “You seemed to.. like me like that.” He saw him bite his lip a little, nuzzling against his leg. “It makes you feel good and I.. want to do that for you..”

Steve actually felt physical pain now, like Bucky had let him do that because he thought he wanted it. And maybe he was right. He did enjoy it. He had enjoyed pulling his hair and making him beg for it. Had been turned on by the look in his eyes, the wildness and then the submission. Like he was taming him in a way.  The fact that Bucky seemed to sense this, in him, the need to control him, or maybe even it was the Soldier that did. Someone who was bred to follow orders. To do what he was told, seeking a master to control him. For some reason it made Steve a little sick.

“Buck.” He said softly, trying to get him to look at him. “I don’t like hurting you.”  And then added. “I’m not your handler.”

“Maybe I want you to be.” He replied, looking up him. “Or maybe it’s him.. I don’t know.”

Steve put his hand on his own face, wondering if he was hearing exactly what he thought he was. “You want me to control you?” He asked with shock. “Is that what you’re saying?”

“Not me.” Bucky said softly. “Him..” He finally looked up at him. “You’re the only one who can control him Steve.”

He was stunned. “Buck..”

“I trust you.” Bucky said, sounding like he was drifting off again. “You ‘re the only one I trust.”

He fell silent after that and Steve wondered if he was asleep. If he’d been asleep the whole time, because the conversation felt dream like. But he was pretty sure he was awake. Or maybe it was Bucky, talking in his sleep. It seemed pretty coherent though. Steve was perplexed to be honest.

He knew Bucky was in was in a confused and fragile place right now, and that he might not always know what he means when he says things sometimes. What he means or even what he wants. Did he really want him to hurt him? To control him? Did he really think that those things would make Steve happy? He might actually believe it and that was the worst part. That instead of giving himself free will and doing what was right for him he was still handing control over to another. That they had screwed with his mind so badly he didn’t even know how to function otherwise. 

It was a terrible thought to be honest.

Right now, all Steve knew was he had to take care of him until they could figure this out. So he just sat there, letting him nap on his leg and kept reading the material. Just trying to understand it.

\--

Bucky wasn’t exactly asleep. But he wasn’t really awake either.

He was in a place somewhere in between, moving through his thoughts in his mind, trying to sort out what he was being shown. His feelings and thoughts during those memories were fragmented, scattered all over the place. Like a giant jigsaw puzzle where only some sections were filled in, and pieces were missing. Some possibly permanently. 

And in the midst of all these messed up, scattered shreds of memory were feelings and thoughts that went along with them. It was matching the feelings with the images that had been the most difficult the last several years. Especially the feelings that went with trauma. He had spent such a long time protecting those feelings, keeping them so hidden that he didn’t always know where to find them now.

And sometimes they’d show up in random places. Like they just had when talking to Steve. 

Like he didn’t know why he was mingling feelings and thoughts about his abusers with Steve’s motivations like he was. They were not the same. But yet he was attaching them to him just the same.

Steve didn’t really want to hurt him, he didn’t know why he thought that. Why he’d said it. Why he was mixing these newly remembered traumas with his sexual experiences with his lover. He simply didn’t understand the psychology enough to understand the overt and subtle ways he’d been manipulated.

It was distressing on a high level, he was so mixed up, more than usual.

It was Steve’s presence that was literally the only thing grounding him in any sense of reality these days. In any sense of the present day. Feeling like when he was away from him, he would lose his tether and be lost in past.

Those flashbacks were relentless. He seemed to flip in and out of them regularly.

In the hospital, when they tried to give him a CAT Scan and all of a sudden, he was back in the chair, watching the machine spin over his head. It flipped back and forth between the present and the past. Screaming like they were hurting him to the point where they had to sedate him.

Like on the couch with Steve when he was suddenly in the helicarrier again.

When his arm got blown off and he was suddenly laying on the ground in the bottom of the ravine again, his arm ripped off, bleeding into the snow. Shivering in the cold and feeling his life slipping away.

Every time he picked up a damn knife, didn’t matter what kind. Flipping into past incidents of murder to the point where he was literally afraid to do it.

Small spaces that made him remember the tiny cell they’d kept him in. Where he’d just about lost his mind and all sense of time. To the point where he wouldn’t go in a closet.

The bathroom at the restaurant yesterday. The flickering light. Like the one in his torture chamber.

Steve’s hand fisting his hair, pulling it, which had liked but now all of a sudden flipped him back on his knees looking up at a nameless monster who wanted him to.. do things..

There were so many of these things. The only time he felt grounded was when Steve’s arms were around him. It was the only time he felt completely in the present moment. When they were deep in it and he was all Bucky could feel.

But now he couldn’t even do that. Couldn’t get past the initial stages of it.

So he felt a bit lost and drifting a bit. Right now, holding onto Steve’s leg a little tighter than he would’ve liked. But it kept him here, in the place and that was what mattered right now.  He buried his face against his jeans and squeezed his eyes shut.

He held onto him as he kept sorting through the broken and scattered puzzle pieces, trying to make sense of it all.

“Steve..” He whispered softly, calling out to him in a way. As if to make sure it was really him.

He felt his hand come back to rest on his head, not into his hair yet, just soft resting there. “I’m here Buck.” He heard him reply, his voice almost like a lighthouse, showing him where the shore was. “It’s okay.”

\--

He had laid like that for a while until he finally sat up. Steve watched Bucky carefully as he sat back on his ankles next to him, staying about a foot away. He looked apologetic and Steve was about to tell him he didn’t have when Bucky started talking instead.

“What I said I.. I didn’t mean it.” He explained, running his hand through his hair in the familiar nervous gesture. “I know you don’t, want to hurt me It’s just all confused right now, like I’m in, 2 different places or something. I can’t explain it.” 

Steve nodded but the truth was that he had been doing some thinking of his own. “It’s alright, I get it.” He told him, itching to touch him, to comfort him, but held back. “And you were right in a way.” He saw a surprised look cross over Bucky’s face when he said this, so he elaborated.  “Not about wanting to hurt you but.. about the control. I do like it, I can admit that.” He paused again, choosing his words carefully. “It feels good, but not because I’m causing you any pain. And only if I think you want that Buck. Do you understand?”

“Yeah I think so.” Bucky answered, biting his lip again. “And sometimes I.. I want you  to control me.. I need you to. Because sometimes I feel like..”

“Like what?”

He lowered his eyes, his dark eyelashes coving some of the blue, hiding it from Steve’s vision. He could opine forever in his head about how beautiful Bucky’s eyes were, especially when you got up close to them. Those dark lashes around the light blue of his irises. He’d gotten lost in them so many times and this was no exception.

“Like I’m dangerous.” His voice was quiet, almost like he was afraid someone would hear. “Like I need  to be restrained, disciplined. Kept in check or I’ll…he’ll .. hurt someone..”  He looked back, lifting those eyes to him. “Hurt you.”

They’d been over this before, many times but he knew this was different in a sense.  Flashing to what he’d said earlier about controlling the Winter Soldier. How he said that Steve was the only one who could. The Soldier was used to order and control and in moments of raw passion, he was close to the surface, Steve himself could see it sometimes. He was, in fact, the wild and raw part of Bucky. And Bucky was terrified of him.

He reached a hand out, tentatively, to brush that annoying strand of hair and he saw Bucky’s face twitch a little. Not necessarily out of fear but longing.  So he brushed it away and then felt him lean slightly against it for a moment, liking a flower leaning toward the sunlight.

Steve pulled his hand and leaned forward a little, not too close, but close enough. “I know your scared, that’s okay.” He told him, hooking his eyes with his own. “And I’ll do what you want, but only if really you want me to.. only if totally okay.. and only when you’re ready.”

He watched Bucky lower his head and nodded, before leaning forward and butting his head against Steve’s shoulder, his hands resting on his waist. Steve carefully put his hand on the back of his neck and just let him sit there like that.

“You know I kind of love you punk.” Bucky said quietly and Steve thought he heard a little hitch in his voice.

“I kind of love you too jerk.” He replied, smiling a little. “It’s hard not to.”

Bucky then shifted slightly, turning to lean against him, laying his head against his shoulder now. He picked up Steve’s hand with his left and rested it on his hip. “Can you.. do that thing?” He asked, knowing Steve knew what he meant.

“Is that okay?”

“Yeah.” He nodded against Steve’s shoulder. “I like that a lot.”

Steve smiled softly and moved his hand in slow circles over Bucky’s hip. A gesture he’d often used to comfort him, and Bucky wanted it now, so he did it. He felt him snuggle a little more against him, letting him Steve wrap his own left arm around his back as he leaned against him.

“So this is okay?” He asked, resting his chin on his head.

“Yeah.” Bucky answered again, his own hand resting on Steve’s knee. “This is good.”

He continued to move his hand in those soft, slow circles, watching for any signs of distress. There didn’t seem to be any. This touch at least, brought nothing back. It seemed to relax him. He knew he’d have to relearn this now, easing into certain contacts until he was comfortable again. Yesterday it was not a problem but today, it was.

Bucky lifted his head and looked in Steve’s eyes for a moment. He could see that he wanted, needed more and felt himself wanting it too. Wanting to lay him down and kiss and touch him everywhere. To make him feel loved and safe again. It was that look in his eyes, those deep wells of blue. The need and desperation. That little darkness hinting at the edges again. He felt his hand, the metal one, softly touch his face and he closed his eyes, trying will himself back from the edge.

He felt Bucky’s lips on his, parting for a soft kiss, and his own hand sliding involuntarily into Bucky’s hair, being careful not pull it. Not yet. It felt so good to kiss him again. Even though it had only been a day, it seemed like forever. Bucky’s hands were pulling on his shirt, taking the kiss deeper and oh Steve wanted to go. The urgency as he pulled on him was fierce.

But he reminded himself to very careful here. He was still fragile.

“Buck.” He whispered, reluctantly pulling back.

“It’s okay.” Bucky whispered back, leaning back in again. “I want this.”

He held him back a little. Gently. “I’m not sure you really do.”

Bucky looked a little angry. “You think I don’t know what I want?” He said angrily. “I’m not broken Steve.”

“I didn’t say you were.” He said in response, keeping his voice even. “I just.. think you’re confused right now, and you need to take it easy.”

“Dammit I am done taking it easy.!” He snapped, and he saw real hurt and anger in them.  And something else too. Something feral that caused a disturbing twinge in Steve. “I know what I want!”

He grabbed Steve again a little more forcefully and kissed him again, harder, knocking him down on the bed, straddling him. The kiss was hard and furious, and Steve felt his body wanting to relent. Because there was something in this anger it was responding to. Like Bucky’s aggressiveness was making him want to.. control him again. Flip him over, pin him down and fuck him into submission. And it was as if Bucky knew this.

Because he did. He knew it better than Steve did.

The urge was strong.  His hands fisting into his hair and about ready to do it. Their lips parted and Bucky had that look again, that wild look, his hands pulling at Steve’s jeans almost desperately. . And all of sudden their earlier conversation filled his head again.

_“I don’t know…I think I wanted you to.. hurt me.”_

_“I don’t want to hurt you Buck.”_

_“It kind of seemed like you did. You seemed to.. like me like that. It makes you feel good and I.. want to do that for you..”_

Good lord he actually wanted to do this. He was actually thinking about fucking him right now? When Bucky was clearly not in his right mind or in control of himself.  And if he gave in to it now, he’d be just as bad as them. Using him to serve his own needs. Suddenly he felt sick again.

“Buck..” He said breathlessly, pushing him back. “Stop.”

Bucky growled a little and grinded against him, causing him to groan. “Are you sure you want me to?” He asked huskily, attacking his neck with his lips, nipping a little. “Because it kind of.. feels like.. you don’t..” His lips skated over Steve’s. “Feels like you want to fuck me.”

He literally felt his hand on him, and he groaned a little more. “Yes..” He admitted, trying to get himself under control. “I do..”

Bucky’s eyes glinted darkly, pushing Steve’s shirt up with his fingers. “Then what’s the problem?”

“Not like this Buck.” He said softly, letting go of his hair. “Not now…”

“Why the hell not?” He asked, attacking Steve’s neck fiercely.

Steve put his hands on his face, pulling his head back up. “Because you’re confused right now.”  He told him, trying to get through. “You’re not thinking straight.”

“The hell I’m not.” He growled, his hands gripping Steve’s shirt. “I know what I fucking want.”

“I don’t think you do Buck.” Steve told him softly, looking into his wild, confused eyes.

Bucky snarled a little, hooking Steve’s leg with his, flipping them so he was on back now. He looked up at Steve with desperate eyes. “Please.” He begged him. “I need this..”

The please almost got him but he knew he couldn’t. And wouldn’t. He held Bucky’s hands down reluctantly, staring down into his eyes with love and empathy. “No.” he said again. “Yoou’re not okay.”

He saw Bucky blink, a look of horror on his face and before he even spoke, he knew what he was thinking. “You don’t want to..” Steve could hear the hurt in his voice, see it in his eyes now too. “Because of.. that?”

“No no no..” He said, putting his hands on his face. “It’s not that...it’s just..”

Bucky turned his head away, his face scrunching up in pain. “Fuck..” He said with such pain it actually hurt to hear.  He pressed his hand to his head, looking guilty and ashamed.

“Listen to me Buck.” He said, touching his face softly. “If we do this right now, I will be hurting you.” He let his thumb softly stroke his face. ‘And I won’t do that. I’m not like them.”

Bucky stared up at him, his legs bent on either side of Steve’s, full control back. “Oh my god..” He seemed to choke out. “What’s wrong with me?”

Steve sat up and pulled him into his arms and Bucky gave absolutely no resistance to this at all, just let Steve hold like that. “Nothing’s wrong with you.” He whispered into his hair. 

“I just.. tried to.. force you..” Bucky said in that same broken, confused voice.

“Your’re just confused Buck.” He said softly to him. “Its okay.”

He could feel Bucky tremble a little in his arms, but he just held him there like that, running his hand carefully over his back soothing him a little. Steve could feel him just sort of lay there, his eyes staring into the wall with an almost blank look. Like he was in shock.

This was pretty bad. But he had no idea it was going to get way worse.

\--

 He just laid there, in Steve’s arms, letting him hold him. But he left his arms at his sides, not touching him. Almost afraid to. He was sort of in shock over what had just happened. Had he really just done that? Practically tackled Steve on to the bed and tried to.. make him do it?

Manipulate him with his body when Steve clearly didn’t want to? Wanting Steve to take him and punish him. To hurt him. He had felt that need in so strongly it had overwhelmed his senses. His head was spinning. He’d never felt this out of control. At least not in his right mind. But was he in his right mind? He didn’t know. And that scared the hell out of him. Like the Soldier was regaining control again. Because in that moment, he had felt different.

He’d felt like _him._

“Are you okay?” He heard Steve ask after a time. “Buck?”

“I don’t know..” He mumbled, being totally honest.

Steve laid him down on his side, and seem to study him carefully, his hand doing that very gentle circle on his hip and Bucky closed his eyes again at the feeling. It was grounding him.

“Do you want to talk?”

“No.” He told him, squeezing his eyes shut. “I can’t.”

It was so close to the surface right now. It would overwhelm him if he even tried. He knew he needed to but there was still stubborn old school part of him that believed he had to stay quiet. That men didn’t talk about this shit. At least that’s what his father and most others though. But they hadn’t been through this.

“Okay.” Steve said softly, pulling him a little closer. “You don’t have to.”

Bucky curled his body a little more against Steve and just let him hold him. It almost broke him thinking of how gentle he’d been today. How understanding of all of this he was. There was so much more to him the superhero he was to the public, things they didn’t see. A man who loved a dangerous unstable person like himself enough to put away the prestige and fame to take care of said person. To protect him. Bucky still felt undeserving of all that. Thinking Steve wouldn’t been better off without him sometimes.

Thinking those thoughts, still doubting himself, he nuzzled his face into the hollow of Steve’s throat, his arm wrapped around him. “I love you.” He whispered against his skin, closing his eyes and letting out an exhausted sigh.

He felt Steve rest his chin on his head. “I love you too Buck.” He replied just as softly.

It was the last thing he heard before he fell asleep.

\--

Bucky had rolled away from him in his sleep and Steve had turned to wrap an arm around him behind. His body seemed to jerk when he did this, like a full body flinch. And Steve knew that again he was having a nightmare. A bad one.

He tried to touch him again and the same thing happened, Bucky’s body curling into an almost fetal position. He was shaking and whimpering “No.. no..” and it hurt Steve to hear it. He tried again to put his arm around him to comfort him and that’s when it happened.

Bucky spun around in the bed and was on top of him before he could even react. His metal arm gripped his throat tightly as he straddled him, his blue eyes icy and wild at the same time. Steve instantly knew it wasn’t Bucky.

 “Soldier?” Steve asked with what little breath he had. The hand was tight. Very tight.

The Soldier’s eyes looked menacing, but he hadn’t strangled the life out of him yet, it was almost like a warning. And Steve understood almost instinctively why this was happening.  He was protecting Bucky. That’s what he did now.

“I’m not gonna hurt him. “He said evenly, staring into those deadly blue eyes. “You know that.”

The fingers moved on his neck a little, loosening slightly, but not letting go.

“They hurt him though.” He said, his hand resting on the Soldier’s wrist lightly. “And you too.”

“I can take it.” He finally said, his voice tone slightly different than Bucky’s. “He can’t.”

“So you protected him.” It wasn’t really a question.

“I can take it.” He repeated. “You must follow orders.”

“What happens when you don’t?”

The Soldier bent closer, his fingers squeezing and unsqueezing. “Pain.”

Steve looked up at him, leaning over him like this, the heavy breathing, the hair in his face. Eyes wide, pupils dialated, showing too much white. Looking like he did back in the helicarrier.  Half mad, half confused. And he understood something else quite clearly too. He was a victim as well. Because all he’d even known was orders and violence. So he handled it for Bucky because he could.

He reached a hand up and touched his face softly, like he would touch Bucky and the Soldier flinched a little and flexed his fingers on his neck, cutting off his breath a little more. His expression was so confused at the moment. So lost.  Steve left his hand there and looked into his eyes.

“What is your mission Soldier?” He asked, struggling for air.

“Protect him.”

If anyone else knew they’d want to commit him right then and there, but Steve knew that it was now only a defense mechanism, that would only kick in if Bucky was threatened. Or felt threatened. And maybe he did. Maybe the Soldier perceived Steve as a threat because of Bucky’s emotional turmoil lately. Thought Steve was hurting him. If he could get the Soldier to trust him too then maybe it would help him.

But right now, he could barely fucking breath. He had to get him to let go.

“Bucky?” He gasped, talking to him instead. “Get him to let go..” He coughed a little, feeling the fingers digging into his flesh now. “You can do it.”

His body seemed to shudder a little, and for a moment Steve almost grayed out at the pressure on this neck. And then it loosened finally, and he took in a huge gulp of air, opening his eyes. And what he did, what he saw made his heart sink.

He saw Bucky, his hand still on Steve’s throat, fully awake now. He looked horrified, the whites of his eyes showing. Pulling his hand completely off Steve’s neck and looking at it with that horror in his eyes. Steve, catching his breath, attempted to reach out and he shirked away again, falling back on his ass and scrambling away.

“Bucky it’s okay.” He tried to reassure him, crawling over to where he was. “It’s not bad.”

“Don’t.. come near me..” He stammered, shying away from any attempt of Steve to touch him now. “Don’t.”

“Buck..”

“I hurt you!” He yelled, almost falling off the bed again trying to get away.

Steve got up too and stepped toward him trying to reason with him. “You didn’t mean it.” He told him, desperately trying to just.. touch him. But he wouldn’t let him.

“STOP SAYING THAT!” He practically screamed at him. “I could KILL YOU!”

He ran his hands through his hair and stared at Steve with terrified eyes. He could see the horror in them. The memories of people he killed with his original arm. And this one was even more powerful. He looked at it, and looked at Steve’s neck again, his eyes showing way too much white. Way too much pain.

“Stay away from me.” Bucky said, his voice breaking. “I’m a monster.”

Steve took another careful step forward, his own eyes soft. “No your not.”

Bucky didn’t answer just backed away from him. He turned and went into the bathroom, throwing the door shut. And he heard it lock in place.  He walked up to the door and leaned on it.

“Bucky please open the door.” He asked through it, hearing nothing in response. “Please.”

All he could think of was, what if he hurt himself? Thinking maybe he should bust down the door just in case. But part of him that wouldn’t solve anything. He would come out or he wouldn’t, and it was that simple. He wasn’t going to answer with violence. Or force him to make a decision. That was up to him.

“Okay.” He said resigned. “But I’m gonna stay right here okay?”

Silence. So he down, his back against the door, just listening. He would stay here all night if he had to. Once again fighting for him. But fighting was something he was good at.

\--

Bucky sat in the bathroom with his own back against the door, hearing Steve outside, saying he wasn’t leaving. He closed his eyes, his knees pulled up to his chest. His mind in terrible pain. Seeing the marks on Steve’s neck, seeing his hand squeezing it tight as he woke up. It terrified him. He knew he could kill him, and it wouldn’t matter if he meant to or not, his life would be over.

Maybe it already was. Because now he couldn’t even let himself touch him. Or even be near him. Wouldn’t let Steve touch HIM. Couldn’t even sleep next to him. And he was hurting him in more ways than just physical. The idea of living without Steve was terrifying to him. And he knew even if he ran away, Steve would spend the rest of his life looking for him.

_Maybe I should just die_.. he thought to himself. _Maybe I deserve to._

Steve would be devastated he knew, but then he would move on. He had other friends. Other things. He didn’t deserve be chained endlessly to a filthy killer like him. Always holding him down like an anchor.

There was a razor on the sink. It would be so easy. One slice down his wrist and he would bleed out. Easy peasy.

And unlike the gun it wouldn’t be quick and painless. It would be slow. He would suffer. Hell he deserved to for the suffering he’d caused. The death and destruction left in his wake. The guilt tore at him. Ripping him apart. Thinking what a relief it would be to just.. let go..”

He got up and walked over to the sink and picked it up. An old-fashioned straight razor, because they were both 40’s boys and that’s what they used. He looked at himself in the mirror. Saw that monster, that terrible thing that had killed so many people. That allowed them to do horrible thing to his body and mind he couldn’t get out of his head.

The fact that none of it may not have been his fault wouldn’t enter his mind. He deserved this. Deserved to pay for all of it.

He held it to his wrist with his metal hand, staring at himself, feeling the sharpness of the blade against his skin, it was already making an oozing cut as he pressed it to his wrist. All he had to do was slice deeper and it would be over. 

But he didn’t. For some reason he couldn’t.

He just stared at himself for the longest time, not understanding what was stopping him.

A little drop of blood dropped on the floor by his foot.

“I love you Buck.” He heard Steve’s voice from outside the door. It was low, quiet. “Until the end of the line okay.”

Suddenly his vision became blurry and a tear fell out of one of them, falling down his cheek. He moved the razor away from his now bloody wrist and dropped it, barely hearing the clang as it hit the floor. That voice, saying those words. That wasn’t strong Captain America Steve. This was skinny little Steve, the one he’d kissed under the fireworks on the roof that night. trying to be brave and strong like he always did.

_I can’t leave him.._ he moaned inside his own head. _I can’t._

More tears fell and he practically stumbled to the door and unlocked it before just dropping back down on the floor of the bathroom, waiting for the door to open.

And finally, it did.

Bucky lifted his head and saw Steve standing there staring at him. Unsure whether he should come close.

“Steve..” Bucky choked out, looking up under his hair with tear filled eyes.

He didn’t hesitate, he went to him, dropping to his knees and enveloping him into his arms. And Bucky didn’t resist at all. He clutched at him, smearing his shirt with some blood as his hands gripped his shirt. Sobbing into his neck silently. He couldn’t find any more words.

“Its okay.” He heard him whisper into his hair. “I got you.”

\--

Steve leaned Bucky’s left side against him and picked up his wrist. The cut wasn’t deep thankfully, but there was clear intent. His heart sank at this. It hurt so much to think he came this close again. That he had been hurting this much inside. Bucky’s head laid on his shoulder, little hitching, painful sounding sobs still coming out of him every so often.

Reaching up the sink, Steve found a towel and wrapped it around Bucky’s wrist and held it there, keeping pressure. The cut may not have been deep but considering where it was, he could still lose a lot of blood if he didn’t stop the flow.

“I’m sorry Steve.” Bucky said in a broken voice. “I’m so sorry.”

“I know.” He said softly back, brushing his hair back with one hand as he kept pressure on the cut. “It’s alright.”

The first aid kit fortunately was under the sink and he was able to reach it. And shook its contents out onto the floor, unable to remove his hand to open it. His hand searched until it found some gauze and some tape. He had to pretty much do this by himself because Bucky was in no shape to help him. So he tore the package open with his teeth and then tossed the bloody towel aside,  pressed the gauze pad to Bucky’s wrist.

He barely flinched, even though it must’ve hurt as Steve pressed down on it and grabbed the wrap. Doing a quick field dressing for now like they used to do in the war. He saw Bucky watching him with reddened eyes as he taped him up.

“You deserve better than this.” Bucky said tiredly. “Better than me.”

“Stop saying that.” Steve said with some irritation in his voice. “I decide what’s good for me.”

Bucky chuckled tonelessly. “Then boy are you screwed.”

He finished wrapping the wound and put his arm down. He then took his face in his hands and looked in his eyes. “You think I’m better off without you?” He asked, his thumbs stroking Bucky’s face. “I’d die without you Buck.”

He kissed his head softly and pulled him into his arms again. Holding him tight. Feeling his own tears stinging his eyes now. This was too close. Way too close and he was feeling it. He felt Bucky’s arms wrap around him too, his face I his shoulder. Still breathing and alive.

“I can’t lose you.” He said, burying his own face against Bucky’s shoulder. “I just can’t.”

They sat there on the bathroom floor for a long time, sitting amidst scattered first aid supplies, just holding on to each other like a life raft.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so this one was very difficult for me, even more so than the previous one. I wanted to say in here that if you feel this bad, if you or someone you know seems to be considering this please get some help, nothing is that bad it's worth your life. Somebody out there cares, even if you don't believe it. Every state and most countries have places you can call for this. Trust me your life is worth saving, just like Bucky's is. 
> 
> It seems like he says he's sorry a lot, which is something a lot victims seem to do, despite the fact that they are NOT to bleame for these things. Guilt is a terrible things no doubt about it. But he made the choice to live and no matter why he did it had to be his. 
> 
> His 'attack' on Steve was an attempt to reassert control over himself and Steve was right to stop it. Kept his senses about him at that point. The one in his sleep was more dangerous and had dire consquences as you saw. 
> 
> This is really the start of his recovery though right here and the next few chapters you will see forward progress again I promise and Sam may make an actual appearance in person and I look forward to that myself. 
> 
> And always thank you for the kudos and comments, I appreciate them a lot :)


	8. Incomplete

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got inspired, it's why this one came quicker than I thought. The mood of this chapter (and it's title) came from a song by James By called 'Incomplete' and it has the soft beat I was looking for to follow up the previous one, which was difficult so.. yeah a lot of softness and some healing going on here

They still sat there on the tile floor, Bucky’s face tucked into Steve’s shoulder. His eyes were squeezed shut but he could feel a few scratches from where the Soldier had strangled him earlier and some more tears slipped out of his eyes, a soft sob escaping him lips again.

It hurt so goddamn much to think about.

Wondering how Steve could possible still love him after all this. After everything.  He felt so worthless, so terrible he couldn’t see anything good about himself anymore. It hadn’t been the first time he’d felt like this either.

Remembering back in his hovel in Bucharest, sitting on the floor, with a rusty knife thinking of a reason not to during the long nights when he couldn’t sleep. When the horrors kept him awake. Knowledge of terrible things he’d done, even if he couldn’t quite remember.  Crying softly into the pillow sometimes in that dark place, in physical and emotional pain. Wondering if he would ever feel better again.

Just like this now. Only this time at least, he wasn’t alone anymore.

“Its gonna be okay Buck I promise.” He heard Steve whisper, his hand stroking his hair.

“It’s never gonna be okay.” He replied, his voice as broken as he was at the moment, unable to hide anything anymore. “I..I.. hurt you.”

He felt Steve lift his face to look in his eyes. Looking soft, loving. “It wasn’t you okay?” He told him, brushing Bucky’s hair back with his other hand. “It’s not your fault.”

Bucky’s eyes flicked to Steve’s neck, seeing scratches and a few ugly bruises and squeezed his eyes shut again, a tear falling down one cheek again. He couldn’t stop those either. It was like he was split open and everything was just falling out of him and he had no strength to stop it. His flesh hand reached out, the movement causing a sting in the cut as the gauzed moved a little and touched his neck tenderly as he opened his eyes again.

“How can it not be?” He asked him, looking back up into his eyes again. “I did it.. like I did everything else.”

Steve’s hand to rest lightly on his wrist and leaned his head against Bucky’s. “You had no control over any of it. You gotta stop blaming yourself.” His voice was soft, yet stern on that. Bucky had no idea how he was holding it together so well.

He felt him kiss his forehead and his eyes fluttered shut again, letting another hitching sob come out. His lips, hands, everything was so soft, so tender. Such a contrast to the other hands that had been on him. For all his strength Steve was gentle when he needed to be. Bucky felt his fingers trail over his face and hold it in his hands before pulling his lips from his head and kissing softly on the lips as well. He held them there for a moment before laying their foreheads back together again.

God he didn’t deserve this at all.

“I love you Buck.” Steve whispered to him and Bucky almost fell apart again.

“Why?” He asked almost despairingly. “After all this.. why?”

Both hands firm on his face now. Staring into his eyes. “Because you loved me first.” He told him. “And because your worth it.”

Bucky’s face broke at that, and he curled back into Steve’s arm’s again. There really was nowhere else to go. He didn’t believe what he said. Didn’t believe he was worth it for a second but allowed himself to be comforted again. To be held. Everything hurt so damn much he didn’t know what else to do.

“I’m take you to bed okay?” He heard Steve whisper into his hair after what seemed like a very long time. “You need to rest.”

“I’m not gonna sleep.” He murmured tiredly into Steve’s shoulder. “I can’t.”

“Yes, you can.”

“No.” He shook his head against him. “I don’t want to hurt you again.”

He was terrified of it now. Of surrendering to sleep now that he knew what happened when he slept. Feeling dangerous and untrustworthy. And irrational as well.

“You have to sleep.” Steve said adamantly.

Bucky shook his head again violently, like a child protesting a nap. His hands clutched Steve’s shirt, refusing to lift his head. “No.” He repeated. “I won’t.”

He felt himself being lifted off the floor, Steve picking him up as he stood and let his legs wrap around him in almost an instinctive way even as he was protesting . Once again like a tired child up past his bedtime.

“Whether you sleep or not you’re still gonna rest.” He heard Steve say as he carried him. “That’s not negotiable.”

Steve put him on the bed, carefully laying him down, and Bucky looked up at him, watching him pull the covers over him, once again feeling a bit like a child. But for some reason that didn’t piss him off, it just made him feel sad and lost.

“You probably shouldn’t.. sleep next to me.” He told him. “Not after that..”

“Buck..”

“Please.” He asked, almost begging. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

The idea killed him to be honest, but he didn’t want to risk it. Just in case he did fall asleep. The fear was bright in his eyes along with the pain it caused him to deny himself the simple comfort of Steve next to him, but he just didn’t trust himself. And he could see that it was hurting Steve too, but that he wouldn’t fight him on it.

“Okay.” He sighed. “If that’s what you want.”

Bucky fought back some more tears. “It is.”

He watched as Steve leaned over and softly kissed his forehead, brushing his hair back with soft fingers. Bucky closed his eyes at the feel of both, hating himself even more now. Because he knew he was hurting him again, this time in a different way.

“I’ll be here if you change your mind okay?”

Bucky nodded and watched him get up, feeling so pained. So lost. Wanting to call him back. Fighting it with everything he had. Curling up under the blankets, his metal arm tucked under his head he just laid there, staring at the wall. Going into his own head again, withdrawing from everything again. And not letting himself sleep. Refusing to give into that either.

-

Steve had tried to take a nap himself, laying on the couch, in full view of where Bucky was. But he couldn’t sleep. Not just because his head was in turmoil but because he was afraid of closing his eyes. Afraid that Bucky would finish what he started earlier if he took his eyes off him.

He’d looked so broken. So hopeless. It scared him.

So he stayed awake, watching for any movement. But Bucky never moved. Never changed position as time ticked by. As morning came and moved into late morning. Neither of them seemed to sleep, even though they both needed it.

Finally around 11 Steve picked up his phone and called Sam. Needing to talk.

He answered immediately, as if knowing something was up. Or course he did.

“What happened?” He asked right away, not even bothering with the pleasantries.

“He had a really bad night.” He said quietly, trying to keep his voice down. “He hurt himself.”

There was a pause before Sam answered. “How bad?” He finally asked.

“Pretty bad.” He replied, looking over at Bucky, who still seemed to staring at the window. “Physically he’ll be alright but..”

“You need to bring him home Steve.” Sam said witho0ut any hesitation. “We need to get him some real help.”

Steve sat up, putting his hand on his head. “I know but.” He paused and sighed. “I’m not putting him in the hospital again… they just made it worse.”

“I’m not talking about a hospital.” Sam said with an understanding tone. “I know people at the VA and there may be something we can for him.. wouldn’t involve a hospital.  This could actually help him.”

He was ready to try anything at this point he knew. Anything but a mental facility thought. The way Bucky had looked when he was there, the way he’d come out, it wasn’t an option. Sam was talking something different and Steve was all for that.

“Okay.” He said, running his hands through his hair. “We’ll leave tomorrow morning.”

“You sure one more night is alright?”

“It’s gonna have to be.” He told him, getting up off the couch. “He’s in no shape to travel today.”

“Alright then. Let me know when you guys are home and I’ll come by.” Sam replied. “We’ll figure it out. But until then, keep an eye on him.”

“Don’t want to take my eyes off him.” He said, almost laughing a little. “If you get me.”

“I get you.” He said and added. “And don’t neglect yourself okay?”

“Alright.” He told him. “See you tomorrow. “

Hanging up, he took a deep breath and got himself something to drink. Then went to the first aid kit to get a change of bandages for Bucky’s arm. He put it on the table and decided to give Bucky a little longer to rest before rousing him. If he wasn’t awake already that was.  He ate a little breakfast/lunch and checked the news for a distraction. Not that it helped any.

Just after noon time he went over to the bed and carefully put his hand on Bucky’s. His eyes popped open in surprise and it struck Steve that normally he wouldn’t have been able to sneak up on him like this. It just showed where he was right now, so lost in his own head.  He looked so tired, his face pale with circles under his eyes. And Steve was sure he himself didn’t look much better.

“I’m gonna change your bandage okay?” He told him softy, brushing a little hair away from his face. It just kept getting in there it seemed.

Bucky seemed to nod and sat up on the bed, holding his arm out to Steve. Carefully he began to unwrap it until the tape came free. He saw Bucky wince a little as he pulled the gauze away. It had stuck  overnight due to some extra bleeding and it oozed just a little from the removal. Taking some antiseptic he started to clean it carefully while Bucky seemed to watch listlessly.

“You remember how you used to have to clean me up all the time?” He asked, just talking for the sake of talking. “You know when I got my ass kicked?”

He saw the ghost of a smile on Bucky’s face at that. “That was a.. pretty regular thing wasn’t it?” He asked. “I mean if… memory serves.”

“Yeah it was.” Steve agreed, wiping any excess blood on his arm. “I guess that’s where  I learned how to do this.” He lifted his eyes to Bucky. “From watching you.”

Now there was a smile. A sad one.” At least I taught you something usual.”

“You taught me a lot of things Buck.” He told him. “More than you know.”

He turned Bucky’s arm a little, examining the cut now that it was clean. It was nasty looking but shallow, it would heal, might leave, might not. It was a jarring reminder however of just close it had been. Had he gone a little deeper they might not be here right now.

Lifting the arm, Steve kissed it softly, tasting the antiseptic and Bucky’s skin as well. He could see him watching him do this, biting his lip as if in apology. He then dabbed it again with some more antiseptic and put a fresh piece of gauze on it, before beginning to wrap it back up.

“Who was on the phone?” Bucky asked as he finished.

“Sam.” Steve answered, not even bothering to even lie. “Just needed to talk.”

He saw the look on Bucky’s face, half shame half strange amusement. “Did he say I was crazy?”

“No.” Steve said, putting his arm down. “He said there might be a way to help you.”

“You mean commit me right?” He asked and Steve could see the fear in his eyes. “Lock me up like before?”

Steve shook his head and put his hands on Bucky’s face, cradling it gently. And the fact that Bucky didn’t seem to pull away gave him some hope. “I’m not doing that.” He said reassuringly. “You are never going back there again I promise.”

Relief showed on Bucky’s face, but it was also mixed with sadness and worry as well. Steve fought the urge to wrap him up in his arms. Not yet. He was letting Bucky set the rules and pace right now.  Not making any moves until he did.

“Maybe you should put me away.” He said with that familiar expression, turning his head away to look at the window. “Maybe it’s safer.”

“No Buck.” He said softly, turning his face back to him. “We’re not going to do that.” He thumb moved softly over Bucky’s cheek and he saw his eyes flutter a little. ”We’ll figure this out okay?”

Bucky bit his lip again, letting his right hand rest on Steve’s side. “We’re going home aren’t we?”

“Yeah.” He answered. “But not til tomorrow.”

“We can come back right?” He asked. “I do like it here.”

The very fact that Bucky would even hint that he wanted to come back gave Steve even more hope. Because he was thinking beyond today. Was anticipating being around. Thinking of the future. He smiled at him, pulling a little closer.

“Yeah.” He agreed. “We can come back whenever you want.”

Bucky lifted his hand and put it over Steve’s and brushed his lips over his. It was a soft little kiss. Hesitant. His lip trembled a little as if working through something. Trying to find the proper words at the moment. Falling short.

“What is it?” Steve asked carefully. “Tell me.”

“You were right to stop me yesterday.” He confessed, dropping his eyes as if ashamed. “I wasn’t.. thinking straight. I wanted you to hurt me.” His hand slid down and rested on Steve’s chest, his palm warm through his shirt. “And I.. I don’t know why..  it was all mixed up, like I needed you to punish me or something.”

Steve watched him struggling with this admission.  Not looking at him, biting his lip in nervousness and confusion. He kept his own hands cupping his face, his thumbs running over his stubbled cheeks and kissed his head softly again. They had messed with him so much he knew, and every sense of himself was screwed up now. What he thought he was, what he thought he deserved. He had seen it in his eyes the day before, he’d thought he’d wanted that, and that Steve had wanted to give it to him. Quite possible because they had made him believe that.

“It’s okay Buck.” He whispered against his forehead. “It’s okay.”

“Now it’s like.. you don’t want to touch me at all.” He continued, his voice small and broken. “And I miss that.. .I miss you..” He raised his eyes finally meeting Steve’s again. “But I understand if you don’t want to..I get it.”  

Steve felt pained at that and held his face a little firmer in his hands. “I do want to Buck.. Oh my God I do.” He told him. “I just.. don’t want to hurt you right now.”

He wanted to more than anything to be able to just lay him down and just cover him in kisses and touches. To make love to him over and over again until he felt safe and loved again. But he wasn’t sure what he could take right now. How far he could take it before it got out of hand again. Before he wanted more. And he knew that Bucky would let him do anything to him right now. That he would have completely at his mercy. That some of the choices wouldn’t be his but Steve’s. He was, after all, only hours away from cutting his own wrist in despair for his own actions. He was desperate to make it up to him, Steve could see it in his eyes.

He wanted to let him do whatever he wanted to him. Hell he might’ve still felt he deserved a punishment for it even now.

“Can you just.. touch me. Like that?” Bucky asked leaning into him as if confirming this. “I need it.. please?”

Steve held his head against his, forcing himself to be calm. After what they had just went through that morning his nerves were still frayed, and he needed some kind of catharsis. An outlet. Bucky was offering him one now. But he had to be sure it was what he really wanted, and not something he was doing just to make it up to Steve.

“If it’s what you really want.” He told him, pulling back to look in his eyes steadily, searching them. “Do you understand?”

“Yeah.” He heard Bucky say, barely above a whisper. “I do.. “

His eyes weren’t like yesterday. That half mad, almost desperate look. They were different. There was a need just be touched in an intimate way.  To feel normal. And he knew it probably wouldn’t go all the way through. That it was just about a soft reconnect. So he would be careful with him, take it slow and just take care of him. His own needs could wait for now.

Steve let his fingers slide into Bucky’s hair, not pulling or fisting it but sliding through it and kissed him softly. He let his lips part his, feeling their softness against his as it slowly opened up. He laid him gently down and pulled his lips away slightly to look at him, brushing his hair back. Diving into those blue eyes again.

“I love Buck.” He whispered to him, his and resting on his face. “I love you so damn much.”

Bucky closed his eyes and he ran his lips over his neck, letting his hands slide under his shirt. Going slow, taking his time. Giving him what he needed right now.

\--

Bucky lay there, his arms at his side, just letting Steve kiss and touch him. He sighed, his eyes fluttering,  not knowing how much he needed just this. It wasn’t about sex it was about touch. About familiarity. About the way his body had felt since he’d remembered those horrible things. Since it crashed onto him making him feel dirty and used. Steve’s hands and lips, slow and gentle, were the polar opposite of all of it. He needed to re-familiarize himself with the feeling again.

The truth was, the one that he couldn’t admit out loud, was that they had abused him in such hideous ways, a rape of both his body and his mind, that he thought that rough touch was all he’d deserved. That it was going to and was supposed to hurt. That it was all about being punished. That he needed to be controlled. He was barely aware of this on a conscious level. But it was messing everything up just the same. Confusing and twisting his thoughts and feelings.

He was able to cope with it when the memories weren’t this strong but now, they were rising with stunning clarity. Marking his mind in smears of red.

There were things he never wanted to tell Steve. He knew that. Feeling like he would never touch him if he knew all of it. Horrifying things he could barely admit them to himself.  

But this right here. This was good.

His shirt was off, and Steve’s lips were on his shoulder, running along that scar tissue softly, his hands sliding over his waist and hips softly. Bucky closed his eyes, focusing in the feeling. He moaned softly at the tenderness of it, his fingers flexing into the sheets, feeling a little sting in his cut, but he barely noticed. Turning his mind away, at least for the moment, from the memory of the blood and razor. Of crying in his arms on the floor.

He had never been that vulnerable with anyone. And it made him feel exposed, yet oddly safe at the same time.

“Steve..” He whispered in his ear, raising his wounded flesh hand to Steve’s head. He still wouldn’t touch him with the other one yet.

Steve lifted his head as if concerned. “Are you okay?” He asked, ceasing the touch temporarily.

“Yeah.” Bucky replied, biting his lip again and looking down at him. “This feels good..”

He saw Steve smile and move up to kiss his lips again, feeling his hand sliding down Bucky’s metal arm and entwine the fingers together, pressing it softly against the bed. A gentle restraint that Bucky rather liked. Their tongues moved against each other softly, and he moaned softly as the same thing was done with his other hand as well. They kissed like that for a quite a while. Bucky’s legs bent on either side of Steve’s body. No rush to anything, and Bucky was happy for that. He knew deep down, that right now he had a limit. A line that he was not ready to cross yet.

And knew that Steve would take care of him. Trusted him to know when to stop. When to slow him down as well. He knew Bucky better than he knew himself and would not step over the line like so many others had.

Their lips parted and he was back to Bucky’s neck and shoulder, occasionally going a little lower, keeping their hands intimately entwined to together, but pulling them to him, placing the metal one against his waist. Bucky was hesitant about this, feeling those fingers touch Steve, still afraid of hurting him, but Steve held it there, showing him that it was okay.

Telling him wordlessly, to trust himself. Even though it might take a while, Bucky for the moment, let him keep the hand there.  The other hand he lifted and pressed his lips to the bandage, right where the cut was, and Bucky could barely contain his emotions at this, feeling a tear slide down his cheek.

He’d almost done it. He’d almost left him again.  The thought hurt him so much that he squeezed his eyes shut. Once again feeling undeserving of any of this.  And seeing that mark on his neck just solidified it.

Without thinking he wrapped his arms around Steve tightly and buried his face in his neck, kissing the bruises he’d left, like his was apologizing again. Wanting to make them go away. He felt Steve’s hand, wrap around the back of his head, fingers in his hair, his other arm sliding under his back. They laid there like that, almost clutching each other.

“I love you.” Bucky cried into his neck, pressing his lips to those marks over and over again. “I’m so sorry.”

“Sssh.” He heard Steve say into his hair. “Its okay..”

Bucky nuzzled his neck tenderly, his leg laying against Steve’s. Laying like this felt safe, like he was protected, shielded. He ran lips over every part of Steve’s neck, finding every finger mark he’d left with them.  He felt Steve’s hand flex into his hair just a little and pushed back that memory of being grabbed like that. Dammit he was not going to let them take this from him too. He loved that feeling too much.

Their lips found each other’s again and sank into another kiss, shifting a little until Steve was on his back, Bucky laying on him. His fingers fisting Bucky’s hair softly, his other hand running a slow caress over his back. Bucky sighed softly against his lips, enjoying the dual sensation as he now lay on him.

It was okay just like this for a while. A soft reconnect.

Eventually he pulled his lips away and nuzzled his face against his chest, feeling his slow intake of breath as he lay there, sliding himself over just a little. The rise and fall of Steve’s chest and his steady heartbeat were lulling him to sleep in spite his efforts to keep awake. Truth is, they were both exhausted from a terrible lack of sleep.

But he was scared to sleep, so he kept fighting it, jerking himself awake every time he felt it falling on him.

“it’s okay Buck.” He heard Steve whisper, his hand stroking his hair in comforting way. “You can sleep.”

Bucky shook his head and buried his face in Steve’s shoulder. “I don’t want to.” He told him, the fear obvious in voice. “I could hurt you again.”

Steve tightened his arm around him as if to reassure him that it wouldn’t happen, the hand in his hair pressing his face more into him and Bucky was having a very hard time fighting it now. The need to close his eyes and let it go. “Just sleep.” He heard Steve whisper into his hair. “It’s okay.”

His eyes closed then, the sound of his voice and the warmth of his body comforting him, letting himself relax into him. Trying to trust himself. It was tough going but he finally relented, allowing himself to sleep. Hoping against hope that nothing would happen this time.

\--

Steve stayed awake a little longer, holding Bucky close to him. He let his fingers play in his hair, the other hand running a soft circle on his hip. He wanted to keep touching him as much as possible, making him feel safe and comforted. And for himself as well.

How he’d come to losing him. It tore at him like nothing else.

Just the imageof him with that bloody wrist. Haunting him.

As he laid there with a living, breathing Bucky in his arms he realized how much damn stress he’d been under for so long. Since he’d woken up 70 years in the future. The displacement he’d felt. The guilt over letting him fall. Seeing what had happened because of his failures. Having him back had relieved some of this but had also opened up new stresses. New wounds.

There had been a buildup in his head for a long time, with occasional eruptions but lately, he’d been bottling it all up in a way, just to help Bucky, but now he was feeling it. And a deep part of him was wondering if maybe, in an odd way, if some of that had created an anger and resentment at Bucky for putting him through it in the first place. For realigning the guilt in a certain way by him being this screwed up.  That maybe a part of him had, in some way, wanted to punish Bucky for this. And that on some level, Bucky had sensed it. Or maybe the Soldier had and had reacted accordingly.

The thought was disturbing to him, something he couldn’t voice.  Because how could he admit that? That the frustration had built to a point where maybe he’d wanted to hurt him subconsciously.  It kept him awake more than the possibility of another sleep episode.  He didn’t want to think about this at all, but he did. In the quiet moment he was entertaining it, and it caused him to hold him tighter in his arms.

He felt Bucky shift a little against him, his flesh arm thrown over him, flexing a little. He was laying on the other one, still a little afraid to lay it on him yet. Steve brushed his hair with fingers, trying to relax himself after those unpleasant thoughts. Thinking maybe Bucky was sensing it.

He was.

“You know you need to sleep too.” He murmured against his shoulder. “Stop being a stubborn punk.”

Steve smiled a little at the use of that word again. He loved when he said that. It was like an affectionate pet name that reminded him of before. Something Bucky had recalled and maintained after all this time. It gave him a sense of place. A feeling of home.

“I know I just.” He said, trying to reassure him. “I’m just thinking..”

He felt Bucky smile against his chest. “Don’t hurt yourself.”

“Jerk.” Steve replied, and kissed his head.

Bucky looked up after a moment, the smile sliding away to soft concern and slid up a little resting his hand on Steve’s face, bracing himself with his left arm. “I worry about you too you know?” He whispered softly. “After all this shit.”

Steve slid his hand around Bucky’s neck gently and leaned his against his. head “I’m okay.” He told him. “I really am.”

Bucky looked like he didn’t believe him, his deep blue eyes searching Steve’s. “Are you?”

He took a deep breath, not wanting to say it, to add to anything Bucky was feeling right now. He was dealing with enough. It was a conversation for another day in his mind. He pressed his lipsto Bucky’s as if reassuring him that for now at least, he was okay.

“I am.” He breathed against his lips, pulling him closer. “Because your still here.”

Steve turned Buckyover onto his back, resuming his touching and kissing from earlier, feeling Bucky’s arms wrap around him, his legs once again open, letting him lay between them. Feeling Bucky’s relax into his touch, seeming to crave it like air, even if his mind wasn’t convinced yet, his body was, rising into  Steve’s touch instinctively.

He never wanted to stop touching him, even if he was afraid to go to far just yet. Letting his hands run over his warm skin, his lips brush over it. Hearing Bucky’s soft moans as he shifted under him.

Pressing his face into Bucky’s stomach he stayed there, his hands resting on his hips, just breathing him in. He was still here. He hadn’t left him. He’d lost him so many times, feeling him slip through his fingers as he helplessly watched. And he’d almost done it again on his watch. He simply couldn’t bear the thought of it. And once again there was the guilt. Like he was somehow the cause of it again. It made him feel emotional, maybe because he was just so damn tired. Or just so relieved. He felt tears of his own as he held himself there, feeling Bucky’s on his hair.

“Steve..” He heard Bucky say, as if sensing his thoughts. “It’s okay.”

Steve wrapped his hands around Bucky’s waist and pressed his face more into his stomach, letting his emotions fall out of him. He felt both Bucky’s hands now, wrapping around his head as if to hold him there and he just stayed like that for a long moment. Letting himself be comforted this time.

“Please.” He cried into his stomach. “Don’t leave me again.”

He could feel that hand, flexing softy in his hair and it loosened him more. “I won’t.” Bucky replied, his own voice filling with emotion again. “I promise… never again.”

Steve wrapped his arm around Bucky’s arm and just stayed right there, letting the stress out. Letting him comfort him for once.  His tear-filled eyes fluttering closed as he laid there in his arms. No superhero today, just a man feeling his pain, and being held.

And he eventually dozed off himself, with Bucky’s hand resting on his head.

\--

Bucky laid awake looking at the ceiling, his hand resting on Steve’s head. It felt like mid-afternoon, he couldn’t really tell. He’d just known that the time had passed in a slow daze. Starting with depression and pain, to the feel of being kissed and touched so tenderly he could barely deal with it. Back to this melancholy again. He seemed to doze himself, it was the only kind of sleep he was getting today.

He must’ve actually fallen asleep thought, because pretty soon he felt himself being roused by a hand on his face and his eyes snapped open to see Steve, looking a little refreshed and smiling softly at him. Bucky smiled back tiredly up at him.

“You hungry?” He asked him, brushing some hair back from his face. “You haven’t eaten today.”

Bucky looked up at him, a little confused by the sudden change in mood. Steve had been weeping into his stomach not long ago and now he was talking about food with that silly look on his face.  Bucky scrunched his face as if he didn’t understand what he said. But knew he was right. He hadn’t eaten. Had felt like it until now.

“Yeah..” He replied, searching his face. “I guess so.”

He sat up a little as Steve brought him what looked like a sandwich and some juice. Just the smell of it made Bucky realized he was ravenous, and he proceeded to wolf it down. He looked at Steve over his cup, watching him, as if making sure he was in fact eating. He once again felt like a child being cared for and it was annoying but oddly cute at the same time.

“How are you feeling?” Steve asked him, sitting on the side of the bed.

“Okay I guess.” Bucky answered honestly. “Considering.”

Steve’s eyes flicked to Bucky’s arm, the bandage specifically, and Bucky felt weirdly exposed for a moment. “That’s good.”

“How about you?” He asked him, putting his plate aside and studying him. “Are you alright?”

Steve didn’t seem to want to answer him at first but took a deep breath and finally answered. “Is this about earlier?” He seemed to ask with a small hint of defensiveness. “I think I was just tired.”

Bucky knew that was a little more than being tired. That was a cathartic relief. A brief glimpse of what he’d been going through during this ordeal. It seemed they both had this tendency to close up after those. To retighten the locks.  As if not wanting to burden the other. Bucky was starting to wonder if this was healthy for either of them.

“If you say so.” He responded, not pushing things himself. Steve was under enough stress as it was.

Steve got rid of the plates and the cups and came back with something else in his hand. A box. Bucky looked at it curiously as Steve sat back down on the bed next to him. Steve then put it down between them and looked up at him. Bucky sat forward with his legs folded under him now, giving him a questioning look.

“I wanted to give this to you.” Steve began to explain. “Was trying to find the right time but, well we got distracted.” He smiled, with a little sadness tinged into it. “And I forgot.”

Getting distracted was putting it mildly Bucky thought with amusement.

“What is it?”

Steve just looked at him and nodded at the box. “Open it and find out.”

Bucky picked it up and gave Steve one more curious look before lifting the lid and looking at the contents inside. It was one thing actually. A small thing resting on what looked burgundy colored velvet, but he barely noticed that. His eyes were caught by the reflective silver as he picked the item up and held it front of his face. Feeling his eyes start to sting as he took it in.

Dog tags. His name, rank and serial number on them.

“Hydra destroy the originals, we checked. “ Steve explained, a tinge of bitterness in his voice. “But the template was still available.” Bucky heard him continue as he turned them in his hand, lifting them with the other to inspect them.  “I asked Tony for a favor and he got them made.”

Bucky looked at him, feeling emotional again. Dammit this was happening a lot lately. He had no words. Nothing at all. He felt Steve gently take them out of his hands and put them around his neck, letting them fall the way they used to, into that familiar place against his chest and it felt like a piece of him had come back home again. Something he’d lost so long ago. He looked up at Steve, tears in his eyes, unable to speak.

“I thought you might need them.” Steve said in a soft voice, watching him work through it. “Just in case you need remember who you are.”

His composure broke right then, and he threw his arms around Steve’s neck, burying his face in his shoulder, unable to contain it. Feeling himself wetting Steve’s shoulder with his tears, and Steve’s arms wrapped around him tightly, holding him close.

“Thank you.” He whispered into his shoulder. It was all he could say right now.

Bucky sat like that for a minute and then pulled back, before taking Steve’s face in his hands and kissing him, practically climbing onto his lap as he did so, his body slightly above Steve’s. Their lips parted against each other, tears still standing in Bucky’s eyes even as he kissed him deeper, with more meaning to it

He felt Steve’s hands on the small of his back, sliding softly over his skin, just above the waistband of the sweatpants he was still wearing. He shivered at the touch, the mix of love and desire overwhelming him once again. He wanted him. Needing something from him. His confused mind not sure what it was really. He was in a keyed up emotional state and he knew Steve knew that. 

“Steve..” He whispered against his lips. “Please.”

He knew instinctively that Steve would not take advantage of this state he was in, even though part of him wanted him to. Wanted to him take him right and damn everything. But also knew he still wasn’t in the right place for that either. Part of him felt all wrong inside, messed up. But he needed _something_ right now. A release of some kind.

“It’s okay Buck.” Steve replied, pulling his lips only slightly away. “I got you.”

Bucky felt one of Steve’s hands shift him a little on his lap, lifting him slightly. The other travelled under the waistband of the pants and slid between his cheeks softly, exploring. Bucky moaned slightly at the touch, his lips brushing over Steve’s. He felt his fingers explore and trace around before one slipped inside him and Bucky gasped, shifting his legs open a little more.

He gave him some soft strokes with the finger, pressing into that good spot right as his lips founds Bucky’s again, swallowing his soft moans. It was perfect. Not too hard, just a sweet pleasure relief which was exactly what Bucky seemed to need right now. His hands gripped Steve’s shirt, his tongue moving against his, moaning into his mouth as Steve stroked him beautifully, working him up.

Bucky whimpered against his lips, feeling another finger joining the other, curling and pressing into that sweet spot, and he felt his body rise a little in Steve’s lap, his lips pulling away from his, head falling back, mouth working.  It felt glorious, after all the stress and pain, this was a beautiful relief.

“Fuck..” He moaned softly, feeling Steve’s lips on his neck. His tags clanged lightly together, his mind registering the noise as a sweet ambience. “Steve..”

Steve worked him with those talented fingers, kneading and pressing inside until Bucky couldn’t hold and shook as his climax overtook him. His lips found Steve’s again, sinking into a languid kiss as his body vibrated with intensity of pleasure. It was such a relief to feel this after everything and his heart sang with Ii t as he rode it out.

The fingers eventually slid out, but Steve’s warm hand remained under his pants, cradling his ass softly as they continued to kiss deeply and lovingly for what seemed like a very long time.

“I love you..” He whispered against his lips, never wanting stop.

\--

Steve lay there on his side, holding Bucky close to him, feeling his warm body snuggled up next to his. Smiling thinking he’d give him some happiness and pleasure on a day when he hadn’t felt so good. He brushed some of his hair back and trailed a finger over his neck, over the chain for the dog tags Bucky now wore around his neck, lifting them himself to look at them as Bucky dozed in his arms yet again, feeling safe enough to do so. Looking, if only for the moment, peaceful.

What a beautiful sight this was to witness.  

He knew Bucky was a long way from okay. The bandage on his arm was stark reminder of that. But if he could give him these bits of happiness, he hoped it would help ease him through this rough patch. To show him he was loved no matter what those bastards had done to him. No matter what they’d taken away from him.

No matter how erratic and unstable he might be. No matter how broken and ill-used, his name was Bucky Barnes and Steve Rogers loved him in every way and would fight like hell for him. Even if he was fighting himself as well.

He brushed his lips tenderly over Bucky’s, which were slightly parted as he slept. Feeling him stir slightly and smile. His hand went sleepily to Steve’s face and he kissed him, both their lips slightly parted as they lay there. And then they parted and Bucky lazily nuzzled Steve’s neck and seemed to go right back to sleep again, as if some kind of dream. At least it was a good one times.

Steve felt himself drifting too, the spotty sleep catching up to him as well, and closed his eyes, letting himself relax. At least trying to. They were going to sort more of this out tomorrow when they got home, and he had hope for the idea that help was possible. That it would be okay someday.

He didn’t know ho long it was before he was awoken by a slight movement. Nothing threatening just Bucky shifting in the bed. Which would always  a key indicator that Steve should wake up. When he opened his eyes, Bucky’s were open too. He was sitting , seeming studying him with those intense blue eyes. Almost watchful.

Steve knew it was not exactly him, but he wasn’t sensing a threat this time. Only some confusion. He sat up, watching the eyes track him as he did, hyper-alert as always. Those icy blues trying to figure it all out and assess the danger.

Reaching his hand out, Steve touched his face carefully, seeing a flinch before the hand even got there, but no real attempt to pull away either. Like an injured animal that wanted the touch but was afraid of it that same time.  He ran his fingers over his cheek and saw that painful, flickering confusion in them, which actually hurt to see.

“It’s okay.” He told the Soldier, his voice gentle with no command in it. “He’s safe.. you can rest.”

The eyes flickered again as Steve’s palm rested on his cheek and he slid closer, putting his other hand on h the other side of his face and looking into the strange, yet familiar eyes. Trying to get him to trust him.

“I love you too you know.” He whispered to him now. “I do.”

The painful confusion seemed to vacate him and he seemed to slump into Steve’s arms. He held him like that for a moment, before laying back down with him, wrapping him up his arms. Feeling relief that at least for tonight, the Soldier was giving up his watch and allowing Bucky to sleep.

He didn’t know whether he’d gotten him to trust him but it was a step in the right direction.

Bucky seemed to shake a little and curled into him as if cold. “Steve..” He muttered as if searching for him in the dark, his hands gripping his shirt. Steve pulled him tighter against his chest, letting him feel him there. So he could find him in the dark.

He would always be there for him to find, even if it took him a long time to do it. And he did eventually still and quiet. And when he did, Steve let himself relax too, closing his eyes and finally allowing himself to sleep for a while. At least for tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The inner thoughts can cause some questioning as you can see here. So introspection that will be expanded on. Also a serious lack of good sleep, which could be problematic as well. 
> 
> The soft sexual contact was important to me because after his attempt to harm himself I don't want to go right back to the heavy stuff. Being in this kind of emotional state even Bucky isn't sure what he wants and and I felt, at least for now, it needed a softer approach. At least for now. That dosen't mean they won't engage in that but they gotta work their way back up. 
> 
> The dog tags have always been of interest to me (remember Steve getting that box from Tony in 3) because I feel like Bucky is, first foremost, a war vet as well and things like that are important to to them. It's an element of the story regarding identity and I thought this was a good time to bring it in to it. 
> 
> Is Steve getting WS to trust him? His less violent outbreak here may be reflective of Bucky's state of mind but who knows with this right? We'll see. 
> 
> Next chapter will most likely start a new phase, as in possibly starting therapy and may move the time-line a long a little more. It's in the very rough stages at the moment. But since i'm clear of some stress it shouldn't take long :)
> 
> And than you to those who left reviews and kudos I do appreciate the feedback :D


	9. Have Heart My Dear..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Its done it gotta get it away from me or i'll keep editing lol
> 
> Anyways this chapter sort of kicks of the second part of this fic that deals with recovery. And it features the live IN PERSON Sam as well who will be important in this fic as well.
> 
> The title of this chapter comes from the Snow Patrol song "Run" which goes 'have heart my dear we're bound to be afraid, even if it's just for one day..' And it fits, it really does.

Bucky sat on the fire escape, smoking a cigarette, trying desperately to calm to rising panic within him. It was tough to do, his heart seemed to be slamming against chest now. This had increased at steady rate over the last several hours until now, when he could actually hear it in his ears, drowning everything else out.

It had started in the car on the way home. The closer they got to the city the more it had started to creep up on him. Thinking what happened when Sam got a good look at Steve and the marks he’d left on him. He was pretty sure Steve hadn’t mentioned it to him on the phone. There was a growing certainty in his head that when Sam, or anyone else for that matter, saw this, they’d want to lock him up again and Bucky couldn’t fight the terror that that idea had brought into his mind.

Part of him knew it was irrational, that that was not going to happen. Steve wouldn’t let it, but it was there just the same. Rising higher the closer he got to home. To the point where he’d asked Steve, in the most even voice he could muster, if he could wait to call him until they got settled in. Hoping Steve didn’t hear the panic on the edges of voice. Wouldn’t notice the fear in his eyes.

And now here he was, barely able to light his cigarette. He was certain it would happen. He would be deemed dangerous again and they would put him back in there. Lock him up. Where they could hurt him again. He was terrified of that.

Remembering the hospital. Remembering Berlin. Where he’d be unable to get away. Like a trapped animal.

Bucky shook almost violently at the thought, on a hair trigger now. Everything seemed bright and slightly out of focus. His senses heightened to the max.

And when he heard the loud back-fire of a car, and an approaching siren it was all it took to trigger the response in his body. The one that said to run. That they were coming for him. And once again he was in another place and time, unable to control his actions.

Before he even knew what he was doing, he dropped his cigarettes and lighter right there and actually jumped off the fire escape into the alley below, landing almost perfectly so he could turn and immediately run. He wasn’t really aware of where he was, just knew he had to go. Now. Before they caught him. Before they locked him up, trapped him. Put him in that chair again. He just had to get away.

So he ran without thought as to where he was going to go. Streaming by startled people he didn’t even really see, part of him hoping that no one tried to stop him at that moment, because he wouldn’t be able to control what happened if they did.  And it seemed like no one tried and that was good thing.

They were coming for him was all he could think of. He had to get away.

He didn’t know how far he’d gone until he heard a blaring horn and screeching brakes as he was almost hit by car. The driver cursed at him, but he barely heard what he said as he reached the curb. Becoming more aware of his surroundings, which caused him to slow down to the point where he leaned over on his knees, catching his breath.

He was in Brooklyn. It wasn’t Romainia and he was in no danger. No one was chasing him. It had happened again he realized. He’d flipped back in time again, lost control of his actions and had run several blocks in this panicked confusion.

Now he knew he was nuts. He had to be. This kept happening and it was frightening.

He unconsciously put his hand on his tags, which had fallen loose from under his shirt. Using them as a grounding talisman. Pulling him back solidly into reality again.  Which Steve may have been intended when he’d given them to him the day before. He let his breathing calm as he continued to lean over, the soft breeze blowing his hair around a little. The normal sounds of the city filling his ears, alongside his ragged breathing as things came back into focus again.

Bucky was praying that no one would come near him or try to god forbid touch him right now. He didn’t know what he would do if they did. Feeling dangerous and unstable. He looked around him, not seeing anyone close by thankfully. And just tried to get his bearings again.

He’d ran a hell of long way from the apartment he’d realized. And while he’d grown up here, Brooklyn had changed quite a bit in the last 70 plus years. As had everything else. But he realized that he recognized this place. More specifically the park to his right.

It used to be a schoolyard. They’d since moved the school, but the yard was still here. It was old and looked sort of ill-taken care of, but he recognized it.

It was where he’d met Steve the first time. Had saved him from those kids.

And suddenly a different memory fell into his head as he stood up and took in the place again.

_The kid looked small, way too small to scraping with 4 th graders. But damn he was trying. Bucky saw it unfold as he was finishing his lunch and he immediately forgot about it. Because he hated bullies himself. It seemed wrong to pick on someone smaller than you. Even though he admired the kids spirit for trying. _

_“You had enough yet Rogers?” One of them asked, taunting him. “Maybe you should stay down. “_

_The kid got up, looking defiant. “I could do this all day.” He told him them in his biggest, bravest voice and Bucky thought he really like this kid’s moxie._

_But he might die today if someone didn’t do something. No one else seemed to want to get involved. So just as the bigger kid was lining up to hit again, Bucky stepped in and grabbed his wrist and twisted it.  The kid yelped because the grip was strong for 9 year-old._

_“Pick on someone your own asshole.” Bucky told him, giving the other one a severe look._

_The other kid looked pissed, but also alarmed as well seeing the look in Bucky’s eyes. “He’s being a punk we gotta teach him a lesson.”_

_“Yeah and two on one is fair right?” Bucky said, throwing the other kid down on the ground and stepping forward. “Care to try me out?”_

_The thing about bullies is that they hated to be challenged and these two were no exception. In fact, the one that ground was holding his wrist and actually crying a little.  Bucky almost laughed, he hadn’t done it as hard as he could. What a weiner._

_“Get out of here.” He told the both of them. “Before someone really gets hurt.”_

_The skinny blonde kid watched this with a bit of shock on his face but then added, in adorably defiant fashion. “Any time you want more I’m here!”_

_The kids actually scuttled off and Bucky turned to the kid he’d just saved. He had a mop of blonde hair and pretty blue eyes to go with his tiny build. He had a black eye and some blood on his lip, and this was a look Bucky would become familiar with over the years._

_“What’s your name kid?” He asked curiously._

_“Steve.” He replied, wiping the blood away from his mouth. “Thanks.”_

_“Well I hate bullies. “He said to him, watching him fix his clothes. “they’re useless.”_

_Steve smiled, and Bucky was amused to see he was missing a tooth too. “Yeah me too.” He agreed and then added. “I almost had em though._

_“Sure you did.” Bucky said, laughing at the bravado. “I’m Bucky by the way.”_

_“What the hell kind of name is that?” Steve asked. “Your mom must’ve hated you.”_

_“You know you’re a little punk.” Bucky said affectionately, he like this kid a lot. “It’s not my real name, that’s James, and only my mom calls me it.” He watched as the kid wiped his mouth again. “Where do you live? I’ll take you home.”_

_“Just down the way.” He replied. “But I don’t need protection.”_

_Once again Bucky thought this was adorable. “Sure you don’t.” He told him and took out a spare napkin and wiped Steve’s face with it, amused as he crinkled his nose in annoyance. “Gotta get you clean up so your mom won’t freak.”_

The strength of this memory was almost overpowering, he could actually see it play out in front of him like a movie. Bucky sat down on the bench, remembering how he’d taken Steve home and how Sarah Roger, who had been a stoic, beautiful woman he remembered, had freaked out at the sight of her only son all beaten up. She would get used to this sight as he recalled as well. Which was why he’d started carrying around bandages to spare the poor woman the sight of the blood on her ornery runt of a son on a regular basis.

Lost in the past, Bucky thought of his own mother, who had always told him to be kind, to be soft. To use your strength to help others not to harm them. Who had raised multiple children without a lot of money, with a quiet strength of her own while their father worked long hours.  She had taught her first-born son to be strong in the right ways. To be a good man. He wondered what she’d think of him now, and all the harm he’d done to others. Thinking he’d failed in her eyes. That she’d be disappointed.

Once again never considering that Winnifred Barnes would not have judged him for it all at all. She wouldn’t loved him not matter what.

Bucky put his head in his hands and sat down on the bench in front of the old schoolyard, the reminder of who he was once staring at who he was now. Knowing that that that young boy he’d seen in his mind had no idea what was waiting for him down the road.

He had a flash of that kid, walking with Steve and looking at him as he sat there, physically and emotionally scarred. The eyes were the same but different. The world had yet to really hurt him yet. He still believed in the good in people and in himself. Saw the world through clear, young eyes, where right and wrong weren’t just concepts but standards he lived by. He wanted to protect that kid as much he’d wanted to protect Steve. To save him from the horrors that would come all too fast to him and take that light and hope away.

He sat there for a long time just staring into the past, his hand on his tags just trying to find the anchor to hold his tattered mind in place.

\--

Steve had been at his wit’s end when Sam had arrived, horrible scenarios of what could happen to Bucky out there on his own. Thinking of him accidently hurting someone, maybe even himself. Getting shot by a cop was a very real possibility considering e had no idea what state he was in at this point. Someone that wouldn’t know what they were dealing with. He had heard of this happening before. Truth was he had no idea what was happening, because all he’d found was Bucky’s cigarettes and lighter and he was just.. gone.

“You gotta relax and think Steve.” Sam said patiently. “Where would he go?”

“I don’t know.” Steve replied running his hand through his hair nervously. “I don’t.”

“Think. Is there a place he might recognize? Might even go to without realizing it. Somewhere he feels safe?”

Steve wracked his brain, trying to clear out the worry long enough to think of anything nearby that might fit that criteria. Suddenly he remembered something. Bucky had commented on it once when they’d taken a walk. Had opined that it was one of the few things that hadn’t changed about the neighborhood.

“There is a place.” He said, taking a deep breath and grabbing his keys. “Where we went to school.. the only thing left is the old recess yard.” He looked at Sam, who nodded. “He might go there.. maybe.”

“Lets’s try that then.” Sam said as they went out the door.

It was only a few blocks away, but it seemed to take forever, and Steve looked around to see any signs of commotion, or any sign of a previous incident. He didn’t see anything. Didn’t hear any chatter on the streets of anything unusual. Other than the people who sometimes recognized him. He barely noticed that, focused on his goal for now. Hoping that he was right where he thought he was, because if he wasn’t, he didn’t know where else to look.

“It’s where we first met.” He said to Sam as they walked, trying to keep from running. To keep his nerves quiet. “I was about 8 and getting my ass kicked and.. he came along and saved it.”

“Sounds about right from what I’ve heard.” Sam replied, sounding amused. “In fact, I heard he had to do that a lot.”

“Yeah.” Steve answered, a ghost of a smile on his face. “I was a pain in the ass.”

“He’s gonna be alright Steve.” Sam told him as they stopped at the crosswalk. “You gotta believe that oaky?”

Almost as if on cue, right after Sam made that statement Steve’s eyes found him. He was sitting on a bench with his back to the road, but he recognized him just the same. He saw the brown zip up hoodie and the jeans he had been wearing the last time he saw him. He seemed to be leaning over focused on the schoolyard in front oh him. And he didn’t look hurt. Not that he could see. He let out of sigh of relief, fighting the urge to run across the street and just grab him up right there.

Sam seemed to see what he was looking at too. “Told you.” He said to him, as the crossed the street.

Bucky didn’t even seem to notice them approach, but Steve wanted to be careful just the same, he didn’t know what state he was in at that moment. Sam seemed to get this and hung back as Steve went over to where Bucky was sitting and was able to get pretty close before being noticed.

“Hey.” He said as gently as possible as Bucky looked up at him, blinking in the late afternoon sun. “Mind if I join you?”

It seemed like a silly question to ask but Bucky didn’t seem to question it. Steve could see the confusion and even a trace of fear and shame in his eyes as he watched him sit next to him. It was a somewhat warm day and there was some sweat on his face, but he was still bundled up, swallowed in his jacket as if hiding. And not really looking at Steve at all. Just staring at the old playground again.

“How did you find me?” He asked after a few moments silence.

“I took a wild guess.” Steve replied, turning his eyes to what Bucky was looking at. “I still can’t believe it’s still here.”

“Yeah.” Bucky replied, his flingers clasp together between his knees, suddenly looking down at his feet. “Me neither.”

Taking a chance, Steve lightly put his hand on his arm, and saw his face pinch a little. But he didn’t pull away. “What happened Buck?”

Bucky scrunched his face up a little. “I don’t know.” He replied, voice barely above a whisper. “One minute I was just sitting there and the next.. I was here.”

Steve had noticed how fidgety Bucky had been since they’d left this morning. His increased agitation. Considering the last couple of days, he didn’t think it was unusual but now he was thinking there was more to it. He rubbed his arm gently, seeing him close his eyes, like he was trying to fight back something.

“Just tell me what it is okay?” He asked him. “You can tell me anything.”

Bucky seemed to steady himself and looked at him, and he saw that ever present fear in his eyes. “I think I’m crazy or something. I gotta be.” He confessed. “I don’t even remember how I got here.” His hand shook as he talked. “I just remember being scared and then..”

“What were you scared of Buck?” He asked, wondering if he even knew.

“I kept thinking.. what if he saw what I did to you.. and what I did to myself and.” He seemed to pause, his eyes flicking over, noticing Sam for the first time. “What if he sent people to come get me. To put me away again.”

Before Steve could answer, Sam stepped up, carefully as he could sense Bucky’s mistrust. And indeed, there was that look in his eyes. Defiant and afraid at the same time. “I’m not gonna do that.” Sam said to Bucky specifically. “I’m here to help, I swear.”

Steve was acutely aware of the fact that Sam had most likely seen people in similar states through his work at the VA and thought this was actually a very good idea to bring him along. While Bucky was still looking at him mistrustfully, his body language wasn’t quite as tense as it would be around other people. Because Sam was non-threatening he supposed. And at least somewhat familiar.

“You probably think I’m nuts.” Bucky said after a minute. “Hell I think I’m nuts.”

“You are.” Sam said with an actual smile. “But you’re salvageable. “

Bucky actually seem to smile at that, as if put at ease by it. Sam did have an interesting approach Steve supposed. Telling it like it is. Not sugar-coating.

“So what’s wrong with me?” Bucky asked, seeming to get himself together a little bit more. “Other than that I mean?”

“Well.. judging by what I know, I’d say you got a bad case of  PTSD.” Sam said them both, leaning against the fence in front of them. “You know that that is right?”

Steve thought it made perfect sense really. Every symptom was accounted for. He looked at Bucky and could see that he was at least familiar with the term and nodded at Sam as if it had confirmed something. There was a strange relief on his face in the fact that it was, at the very least, given a name. Once you named the monster it was easier to fight it.

“A lot of people come back from war with it, you’re not exception.” Sam continued. “Especially when you consider how long you were at war. You were essentially a prisoner of war for a hell of a long time..” He gave him a pointed look. “You’re just getting back now you understand that right?”

Bucky seemed to lower his eyes as if unable to look at him and Steve realize how right Sam was. Bucky had left Brooklyn in 1942 and had only really just come home in the last few months.  It was a long time to essentially be at war and now that he was back, it was taking its toll. Steve knew because he’d been the same way as well, trying to figure out what to do with himself now.  Feeling distressed and diplaced.

“Yeah I do.” Bucky finally answered, finally looking back up. “So what do I do?”

“Ask for help.” Sam said simply. “That’s the first step.. after that it gets easier.”

“I don’t want to go to a hospital.” He said and Steve could hear the fear in his voice, he took his hand without thinking, just trying to be strong for him. “I can’t.”

“You don’t have to.” Sam told them, in that same calm tone. “I can get you in at the VA, they won’t be like that other place I promise. You don’t have to stay, and they won’t force you to. There gonna help you. They know what you’re dealing with.”

Steve saw some relief in Bucky’s face but some apprehension as well. It was a new thing. A scary thing. But it was better than the alternative. He watched him sit there on the bench, seeming to shiver a little even though it wasn’t really cold, trying to come to some decision. And instinctively Steve knew it had be his, no one else’s.

“I don’t have to stay there?” Bucky asked again. “I can go home whenever I want?”

“Yup.” Sam answered. “They won’t make you do anything you don’t want to do.”

Steve watched Bucky working it out in his own head. He crossed his arms, almost like he was hugging himself and leaned over for a moment. He could see his eyes closed, his face working, taking deep almost hitching breaths. No one said anything at all, the only being the cars passing by and the occasional pigeon squacking. He wanted to reach back out and put his hand on his shoulder, but he left him alone for the time being, just letting him work it out.

“Okay.” He finally said, looking up at Sam. “I’ll do it.”

Steve let a sigh of relief at that, seeing it on Bucky’s face as well. Along with some trepidation as well. He was still clearly scared, but he decided to try this. Reaching out for the help that was being offered.

“Alright I’ll make the call.” Sam told them and took out his phone to do it.

As Sam was talking to them, Bucky seemed to move closer to Steve and sort of leaned on him a little. Steve took it as a sign that it was okay to put his arm around him now and did exactly that, rubbing his shoulder softly as they sat there. He seemed to tremble, like he was cold even thought it was warm out. His eyes stared out at the old playground as if looking for something there. Something long lost and maybe unattainable.

Sam got off the phone and walked over to them. “You can just go in tomorrow morning. They’ll be expecting you.” He said, his voice warm, his face soft. “They’ll help you I promise.”

“Thanks Sam.” Steve said gratefully. “I appreciate it.”

“I don’t know what you’re helping me but.” Bucky said and paused for a moment, trying to smile a little at Sam. “Thanks.”

“Because you never leave a man behind Barnes.” Sam replied, looking directly at Bucky now. “That’s why.” Bucky seemed to look down at that as if too choked up to answer and Sam turned to Steve. “Can I talk to you for a minute?”

Steve nodded and turned to Bucky. “I’ll be right back alright?”

He was reluctant to go too far from Bucky at the moment, but Bucky gave him a look like it was okay to step away. But they wouldn’t go far. He stepped over to the side to confer with Sam, keeping an eye on Bucky as they talked.

“Normally you can just drop in on sessions, but I got him a one on one appointment.” Sam explained. “Crowds don’t seem to be his thing yet. And it’s a little less threatening.”

“Yeah.” Steve replied, nodding, seeing Bucky still bent over himself a little. “Ben trying to minimize those.”

Sam motioned to Steve’s neck. “How’d that happen?”

Steve sighed, knowing the question was coming. “He acts out in his sleep sometimes.” He confessed, running his hands through his hair. “He dosen’t know what he’d doing but he.. woke up in the middle of it and that why he..”

He didn’t finish but he didn’t need to, he knew Sam knew what he meant. He didn’t want to get into details about that, in fact had barely brought up the subject at all, although he knew he needed to. He saw Sam studying him for a minute, just letting him soft it out before speaking.

“I don’t think this could’ve waited much longer Steve.” Sam told him pointedly. “It was getting dangerous for the both of you.” They looked over at Bucky who still h ad his head down as if studying his feet. “Maybe now he’ll finally get some help. You both can, cause trust me, you need it too.”

Steve knew he was right but had a hard time admitting it. “I’m alright Sam.”

“I’m just saying man, it takes a toll.”

Steve nodded, looking over at Bucky again, as if to check on him. “Yeah.”

“You should get him home now.”

“I will.” He replied, shaking his hand with his free one. “Thanks again.

Sam nodded to him and left, giving them some time to themselves. Steve walked back over to buck and sat down next to him, putting his arm around him.  He rubbed Bucky’s arm a little more and rested his head against his, taking in a few more deep breaths.

“Can we just.. sit her for a minute?” Bucky asked in a small, tired voice. “Please?”

“Sure.” Steve told him. “Whatever you want.”

They just sat there, looking at a remnant of their past. A placer out of time just like them. Where they used to play together and just be kids before everything got complicated. He felt Bucky leaned against him a little more, almost swallowed in his jacket, his eyes closed as if resting.

“What happened to me?” He asked finally after a few minutes. “It wasn’t supposed to be like this.”

“Its gonna be alright Buck I promise.”

It seemed like a hollow one sometimes, knowing how much pain he was in, but it was the only thing he could say right now. And he did believe that it would, knowing they had a lot of work to do but today, as difficult as it had started, was a step in the right direction. It started here in the place where they’d first found each other a lifetime ago.

So it was alright to sit there for a few minutes, with his arm around Bucky, comforting him. Just taking the moment to breathe in the somewhat fresh air.

\--

Bucky was sitting on the couch, leaning against Steve’s chest with a blanket on. Steve had gotten him a cup of Chamameille tea it was actually helping his nerves a bit. It had been a suggestion by Wanda that Steve had mentioned, and she was totally right about it. He just sat there drinking it slowly, feeling Steve’s hands rubbing his waist and hips soothingly, letting himself relax into the touch and the warmth of the blanket.

He’d had a hard time getting warm lately it seemed. A constant chill over him that he couldn’t explain. But he felt warm right now at least.

It had been a hell of day so far. Hell of week. Hell a life if he wanted to be entirely correct.

The memory of the panic attack, the flashback and his mad scramble to just get away was sitting in his mind, far away yet close. The fear, triggering the adrenaline rush had been so strong he’d literally hadn’t felt the impact on his body when he jumped of the fire escape and ran, but now he felt a bit sore as well. And tired. Thinking, amused, that at least he got a jog in.  But his mind was still a jumbled mess.

But now at least he had a name for this. And an avenue for some help. And even though it scared him, he felt some hope that maybe there was a light at the end of this very long, very dark tunnel he’d been traversing for such a long time.

He felt Steve’s hand doing those slow circles on his hips and that, along with the tea was causing his eyes to close as his body finally began to settle down. The frayed nerves stopping their intense impulses and giving him a damn break.

“How are you feeling?” Steve asked finally after a long while.

“Better than I was.” He told him, finishing his tea. “Feel like I could fall asleep.”

“Maybe you should let yourself then.”

“I feel like you always tell me that. “ He said with a chuckle.

“Because I do.” Steve replied, kissing his shoulder softly. “You don’t get enough sleep.”

Bucky relaxed into him a little more, tilting his head to allow Steve to kiss him a little more. “Neither do you punk.” He told him, actually smiling now. “Just saying.”

Steve ran his lips over Bucky’s neck a little more and his hands kneaded his thighs causing Bucky to sigh, his eyes fluttering, feeling completely relaxed now. He thought about how good Steve had been to him, how patient through all this shit. And today he’d probably scared the shit out of him. Hell he scared the shit out of himself to be honest. But Bucky he could imagine what he’d been thinking the whole time he was looking for him. Turning horrible scenarios over in head. Bucky felt so guilty about this, so shameful that Steve had to deal with that after what he’d already put him through the last few days.

“I’m sorry Steve.” He said finally, closing his eyes, resting his hands on top of Steve’s. “I really am.”

“It’s alright.” Steve replied softly into his ear. “I’m just happy that you’re okay. That’s all that matters.”

“But I’m not.” He said in response, biting his lip nervously. “I mean, I can’t control this. It just..  happenes and I can’t stop it.” His fingers intertwined with Steve’s under the blanket. “I’m crazy and.. it scares me.”

He felt crazy. Every time it happened, he felt more out of control. Like a dangerous animal. What if someone touched him when it happened? What if he hurt them? Or worse? It terrified him. There were so many different ways it could happen. So many triggers that could set him off and it made him feel like he should locked away, even though he was scared of it at the same time.

“You not crazy Buck.” Steve said softly, his lips brushing Bucky’s neck. “You’re just sick that’s all.” His hands, fingers still entwined with Bucky’s kneading his thighs and hips comfortingly. “And we’re getting you some help.”

The VA yes. Bucky had never even considered it until Sam brought it up. He hadn’t considered the fact that he was, after all, a veteran too. That a place like that might actually be able to offer him assistance. He’d had felt, to some degree that he was on his own here with this. But Sam had given what was happening to him a name. _PTSD. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder_. And had offered him help and he felt grateful to the man for doing it. They had never really been friends, had fought on the same side yes but the relationship had been rough to say the least. But here he was helping him because, in his words ‘you don’t leave a man behind’. And Bucky felt the power of those words. Like a comraderaderie he hadn’t felt since the war.

Before Hydra and the Winter Soldier had taken his life over and left him feeling isolated from everyone. Thinking no one would ever understand him or want to help him.

His family and other friends were gone, all he had was Steve. But here was a new potential connection to help fill in some of that void and part of him welcomed it, even though he was afraid at the same time.  Feeling like he was taking a huge step forward by accepting help finally.

And Steve was there. As he always was, and he knew he could get through anything if he had him.

He turned himself around in Steve’s arms, facing him, his lags straddling Steve’s and put his hands on his face, looking in his eyes. “I love you.” He whispered to him, feeling Steve’s hands resting on his hips. “You have no idea how much.”

“I wonder if it’s as much as I love you.” Steve replied, not missing a beat. “Because that’s a lot.”

“You’re such a punk.” Bucky sassed, smiling even more now. “You won’t even let me have that will you?”

“Nope.” Steve replied with a grin of his own. “I never give in remember?”

Of give up. Bucky thought. Especially on screwed up jerks like him. But he didn’t reply, just kissed him solidly, letting Steve pull him tighter into his arms.  He could feel Steve’s arm wrap around him and the other hand slide up under his hair and fist in his fingers, and Bucky didn’t flinch at this at all this time. Just turning his head and sighing into as it slowly and sweetly deepened.  Steve slid a little more onto his back on the couch and they just laid like for a while, their tongues moving softly against each other, their hands softly caressing each other.

When they finally came up for air, they laid their heads against each other, Steve’s hand still in his hair, Bucky’s on Steve’s neck, his fingers trailing over his neck gently. Just feeling yet another soft intimate moment, one of many that he was starting to get so used to, he didn’t think he could live without it anymore.

Eventually he laid his head on Steve’s shoulder, and they pulled the blanket back up over them both, creating a nice warm cocoon. Steve’s hand remained in his hair as his other one trailed light over Bucky’s back under the blanket. His body settled between Steve and the back of the couch.  Feeling himself starting to fall asleep, not fighting tit this time. Letting his eyes flutter closed.

It was a very comfortable couch after all. And Steve made a very comfortable, very willing pillow for him. Just letting the anxiety and stress of earlier roll off him as he rested his tired mind.

\--

In the waiting room the next day, Steve sat next to Bucky, watching him fidget. As if needing something to do with his hands. Steve reached out and put his hand on Bucky’s metal one as if to calm him. And Bucky looked at him gratefully.

“It’s gonna be alright.” He reassured. “Trust me.”

Bucky smiled softly, his other hand on his tags, using them and Steve as an anchor. “I do.” He told him. “I always have. “ He took a deep breath. “It’s myself I don’t trust.”

“You’ll be alright.”

Steve could see Bucky visibly shaking now and his fingers gripped Steve’s. His other hand closing around his tags now. “I don’t know if I can do this.” He said, his voice shaking as well.

They wouldn’t let you smoke in here, otherwise Steve would’ve handed him his cigarettes. He just held his hand loosely instead, rubbing his thumb over the metal fingers. Seeing Bucky watching everyone warily, almost on a hair-trigger. Like he would run at any minute. Or fight, depending on the situation. It made Steve a little nervous, but he relaxed himself as well. Telling himself that they were at least here.

“Do you want me to go in with you?” He asked carefully. “Or would you rather do it by yourself?”

He wanted to give him the option. Let him make the decisions for himself. Didn’t want to be controlling in any way. This was about getting him help and not about dictating the kind of help. He saw Bucky look at him gratefully, biting his lip in the nervous yet cute way he had.

“I think I just.. need you in there the first time.” He finally answered, squeezing his hand. “If that’s okay/”

“It’s fine Buck.” He said softly. “One day at a time okay?”

When they finally called them in, Bucky shot Steve a terrified look and for a moment Steve though he was going to bolt. But he instead took a breath and stood up, and Steve stood up with him, still holding the hand loosely as they followed the person down the hall to room with a couple of chairs to sit in.

It was calm type of room, a few posters on the wall about services, just like in the hallway. The colors were bright but muted at the same time. And the office had a window where you could out into the courtyard having lunch. Many people who, like them, had seen better days but were getting help.

A friendly looking woman in her 50’s came in and sat down on the other side of an unassuming desk and smiled at them warmly. Steve looked at Bucky, who seemed to be trying to relax, even though his eyes were darting everywhere at the same time. As if figuring out where the exits were.

The woman addressed him directly first, sensing his frayed nerves. “Sergeant Barnes, my name is Amelia and we are glad that you came in.”

“Bucky.” He seemto correct automatically. “It’s Bucky.”

“Okay then we’ll call you that.” She replied, not put off by the correction. “Your friend Sam, who is a very good man by the way, apprised us that you’ve been in crisis lately and that you are in need of help.”

Bucky nodded his hand still in Steve’s “You know.. who I am?” He asked tentatively.

“Yes we do.” She answered in that same serene tone. “We did follow the news and your hearings. “ She smiled again, a smile that seem to put Bucky at a little ease. “There is no judgement here. You need help and that’s what we are here for.”

Amelia seemed to have a way of putting him completely at ease because he seemed to let out a breath and actually started talking. “I feel like I’m crazy.” He admitted. “Things just keep happening and I.. can’t stop them. I keep seeing things and hearing things and..” He looked at the fading marks on Steve’s neck. “And doing things and I don’t’ know what to do.”

“I’m willing to be you don’t sleep very well.” Amelia added. “And when you do you have nightmares am I correct?”

“Yeah.” Bucky admitted as well, his eyes flicking to Steve for a moment. “And stuff, it happens when I’m asleep too.”

“Okay that’s a good place to start.” She told them and looked at Steve. “This next part has to be one on one with him now. Should take about an hour.”

Steve saw Bucky get a little tense about this, but he nodded as if it was okay. They were going to get into some personal stuff, things maybe Bucky didn’t want him to hear. And he knew it was important for Bucky to do this on his own now. To start trusting others as well.

“I’ll be right outside okay?” He told him and squeezed his hand. “You can do this, I know you can.”

Bucky gave him a brave smile. “I know.” He said and added with some sass, which was great to hear. “Now get out of her punk.”

Steve actually chuckled at that and left them, giving him one last look of encouragement before shutting the door behind him. He leaned against the wall for a moment, taking a sigh of relief and letting out some of worry he’d had himself. Knowing he had to allow him space to work some things out as well ,but it was tough to ease his grip sometimes.

He would have a lot to talk to his own therapist about that was for sure.

Getting himself a drink of water, he sat down in the waiting area and just waited for Bucky to be done. Read a few magazines and even checked his phone. Played a game or two.  The time passed slowly but eventually the door opened and Steve looked up to see Bucky coming out, closing it behind him as well.

He seemed to stand there for a moment, his face almost neutral, a small perceptible shake in his right hand and Steve held his breath a little. Finally catching sight of Steve, his face seemed to contort just a little, his blue eyes shifting into pain and relief as he walked over to him. 

Once he got within a few feet he stopped just in front of Steve and seemed to try and gather himself.  But didn’t say anything. Steve reached a hand out and touched his arm. “Are you okay?” He asked carefully, trying to read him to gauge where he was at the moment.

Bucky didn’t answer, just stepped forward and threw his arms around Steve, uncaring of anyone around them. He buried his face in shoulder and Steve could feel tears in his eyes. Feeling him shake, but it felt like relief more than anything else. Huge overwhelming relief. He wrapped his own arms around his back and held him tight right there in the waiting room.

“It’s okay.” He whispered to him, stroking his hair. “I got you.”

Bucky buried his face more into Steve’s shoulder and just let the relief pour out of him. There were people coming and going and none of them thought this unusual at all. It was a place of healing after all. So they just stood there for a long time just holding onto each other.

\--

Bucky laid on his stomach on the bed later that night, writing in a notebook. It had been a suggested way for him to begin processing the things he needed to discuss. Amelia had suggested that every day he sit down and write down what he was feeling, or a fear or anything that was on his mind. To describe any memories he was having. And over time, write details of his traumas as well so that eventually he could talk about it.  This seemed a perfectly natural way for him to start considering he’d done this before. When he was first remembering and putting his head back together.

There was a whole box of these things sitting next to the bed. The CIA had returned it to him upon his release, per order of a judge and he hadn’t really looked at them. Couldn’t bring himself too until now but she had said going over them might be good for him too. And that he should bring a few along in each session. The first of which would start a week from now.

She had reassured him she would not read them, they were strictly for reference for him during sessions. That had been a relief to him, seeing as he knew his journals had been scoured over the CIA and other government officials, as well the quacks at the hospital, because when they questioned him they’d ask him things they could have only gotten from those sources. His personal thoughts and feelings used as ‘source material’ and ‘evidence’.He had felt terribly violated by this, as if he hadn’t felt that way enough already, and it was another reason he hadn’t touched them for a while. But now he was going to. Going to go back into his headspace from those days and relive all that.

As much as this scared him, he knew he had to. So he’d finally pulled out of the closet he’d stuffed them into and soon was going to open them up and take a look.

They had picked up a new pack of notebooks for him on the way home and he was now utilizing them. He’d been writing for a least an hour now after they’d had supper and his hand was cramped up from it, but once he’d started it again it was like an avalanche. It was much easier than talking for him, which was why Amelia had suggested it. A little homework to get him started.

“How’s it going?” Steve asked, sitting down on the bed next to him with another cup of that lovely tea for him.

Bucky smiled and closed the notebook, using his pen to mark his spot. “Good I guess.” He told him, putting it aside and taking the tea with his left hand while shaking his flesh one. “My hands sore though.”

He drank his tea and watched as Steve picked up that hand and rubbed it a little, massaging the sore spot with his thumb and then kissing it, amazingly finding that same sore spot right away. The bandage on that arm was smaller now, consisting of a rather large band-aid, and Steve’s hand trailed over that, and Bucky thought he saw a flicker of pain there. They were only about 3 days removed from that and it was still touchy subject for them. Bucky knew they needed to talk about it, but it was one step at a time right now.

“That feel better?” He asked, continuing to rub his wrist, and the cramp loosened.

“Yeah.” He replied, his eyes actually fluttering at how good this felt. How relaxing. “Much better actually.” He smiled at him, pulling a little closer. “And it’s… not the only place that’s sore.”

Steve raised and eyebrow. “Oh really?” He asked, kneading up his arm a little more. “Do tell?”

“Well, she did say that stuff like this could help with other things.” He told him, his eyes starting to roll as Steve’s fingers got near his very tense shoulder. “Like with anxiety and stress… shit like that.” He hummed quietly, feeling his shoulder loosen as Steve dug into it with his fingers. “It’d be like.. you know.. therapy.”

He wasn’t lying. Amelia had suggested it as well. Telling him that since he had a supportive partner it could help him relax, and lord knows he needed that. Steve had already been practicing this sometimes to relax him and it seemed like another natural progression. And he had very talented fingers. So Bucky sort of re-positioned himself on his stomach again, and let Steve work his back some more with those fingers.

“So it helps?” Steve asked, sitting with his legs on either side of Bucky now. “When I do this?”

“Yeah.” Bucky said, smiling, his arms hugging the pillow, his head to one side. “It really does.”

It had been a rough day emotionally, he had been tense for most of it and Steve’s hands felt great on his shoulders and back. Kneading out the stress and anxiety that had been filling him all day.  The hardest thing for him had been walking through those doors and asking them for help him and now he felt his frayed nerves finally completely relaxing. The journal writing was a surprising relief, and so was this.

Steve’s hands moved lower, and Bucky had no issues with this at all, wanting his strong hands all over his body now. Wanting to be touched everywhere. He felt Steve press a kiss into the center of his back and he shivered, letting out a sigh. He felt his hands on the waistband of his pajama and smiled. Lord he wanted him. It had only been about 4 days or so, but it felt like an age had gone by. He was literally aching for it now.

“Mind of if I take these off?” He heard Steve ask with a little hesitation in his voice, and Bucky thought that was adorably sweet. That he even felt the need to ask.

“Let me think.” He said with a huff of air as if actually considering the question. “I guess you can.”

He smiled as he felt Steve pull them off, exposing his bare skin to the air. Before he even entertained the thought that he was cold, he felt Steve’s very warm hands start to knead his ass and he forgot all about it. Bucky sighted softly, turning his head into the pillow.  Damn those hands.

“You got some tension here too.” Steve said with a tease in his voice. “Might have to work on this a bit.”

Bucky actually laughed breathlessly. “If you insist Captain.”  

It felt so damn good after everything to just completely relax into his touch and the teases they were starting to throw at each other again. It was a beautiful thing really. He was starting feel just a little less broken now. He knew he would have rough patches as his therapy moved along but dammit he wanted this as well. To feel like a normal human being again.

A moan escaped him as he felt Steve’s lips where his hands had been, the latter of which were now kneading his thighs. He felt his body rise slightly and his legs part of their own volition.  Steve’s hands were on his inner thighs and he was just literally dying now, moaning into the pillow.

“Yeah.” Steve purred, nuzzling his face between his cheeks. “There is a lot of tension here.”

Bucky writhed a bit, gripping the pillow. “I want you..” He moaned, getting lost in his own desire. “Please.”

Steve seemed to rise up for a moment, his hands on Bucky’s shoulders and put his lips to his ear. “Are you sure about this?” He asked, the tenderness and concern in his voice almost undoing Bucky right there.

He was still concerned, still hesitant at this point and far from being annoyed by this Bucky thought about how sweet it actually was.  That he was looking out for him. Making sure it was in fact okay to go forward here. He loved him for that.

Searching himself carefully, Bucky thought about the question. And for once didn’t feel any deep desire to be hurt or punished this time. All he felt was a desire to be touch, to connect again. To feel Steve’s body on his. To feel him inside him and the intense pleasure he knew it would bring.  He wanted it, craved it like air, thinking he’d held back long enough. They weren’t going take this from him anymore. He wasn’t going to let them hurt like that anymore, by making him deprive himself of something he wanted.

“yes.” He said finally, turning his head so Steve could see his eyes, see that he meant it. “I want it. I want you.”

Steve smiled and nuzzled his face before kissing him softly, seeing that Bucky meant this. Not like before when his head wasn’t clear enough, when his were clouded with the pain and confusion. The only thing in them now was love and desire and it was all Steve needed to see.

“Alrigh.” He whispered softly against his lips. “But we’re taking it slow okay?”

Bucky smiled as he kissed him, perfectly fine with that. Steve let go of his lips and slid himself back down a to resume what he had been doing and pulled apart Bucky’s cheeks with his hands and brought his lips and tongue to work now. Which were, by the way just as talented as he is hands. He slowly worked him, and Bucky gripped the pillow harder, smothering his moans and gasps of pleasure, his body lifting slightly off the bed as Steve slowly ravished him.

“Steve..” He gasped, his fingers flexing painfully. “Fuck.”

He felt it rush through him like a tidal wave and he cried out into the pillow. Feeling some parts of himself fall back into place again as it crashed over him. It felt so freeing to just finally let this part go. To have no confusion about it whatsoever.

When Steve finally released him, he felt his hands on his hips and was turned over onto his back. He lay there looking up at the ceiling, trying to catch his breath as Steve climbed over him again, catching his lips in a heated kiss, his body sliding between Bucky’s now open legs, his hands running over his thighs and gently pulling them against him and Bucky groaned, feeling how ready he was for him. God he was dying for it now, to feel him inside him again. He rubbed his body against his impatiently as their tongues moved languidly together.

Steve pulled his lips away and looked down at him steadily as if checking again. His beautiful blue eyes searching Bucky’s for any hesitation or warning signs. There were none. Even the Soldier was quite for now. Bucky didn’t feel his presence at all this time, just felt completely like himself. He slid his leg around Steve’s thigh and just let him see deep into his eyes that everything was good. Right now. Perfect.

Looking into his eyes, Steve’s hands went to Bucky’s hips, shifting him a little bit before finally sliding slowly into him. Bucky’s head fell back, moaning at this final completion. The deliciously familiar stretch of his body as he was slowly filled up. Oh how he’d missed it.  It felt like ages and he reveled in it. Gripping his back and shifting as he adjusted once again.

They started to move, Bucky holding onto him, his flesh fingers sliding up Steve’s back to the back of his neck, the fingers of his other flexing into his back. He was still reluctant to put it near his neck even now. That would take time. But for now, he was losing himself in it, his knee wrapping around Steve’s thigh, his face in his shoulder, moaning and whimpering as wave after wave fell over him.

It was slow and tender. A new beginning of sorts. And for the first time a long time Bucky was starting to feel whole and real, and he lost himself in it. He held on tight, feeling Steve biting and sucking softly on his neck, the way he loved, marking him as his again.

He had been so pent up over the last several days, all the stress and anxiety had built in him and part of him knew he wouldn’t last long. Neither would Steve probably after all this shit. They needed it, needing to let go and Bucky could feel it happening, building steadily.

When it finally crashed over him it was the sweetest relief he’d felt in a long time. A loud, pleasure filled cry escaped him, his eyes rolling back in his head. He felt nerve light up, his fingers flexing into Steve’s back, his toes curling against the blanket. It was such a powerful pressure release that his body fell limp and boneless following it, and he just clung to him, riding it out.

Steve collapsed into him as well and they just held each other for a moment, catching their breath, feeling the remaining spasms go through their bodies until it was just a sweet hum. Bucky buried his face in Steve’s shoulder, his eyes squeezed shut just letting the love and relief flow through him.

“I love you.” He whispered into his neck, never feeling it more strongly than at that moment.

Their lips found each other again and they sank into it, Steve’s hand between his head and the pillow, bunching his hair in that lovely way Bucky loved and never wanted to feel afraid of again. Those people were never going to touch this. Never again if he had anything to say about it.

There was things, yes. Dark things he was still afraid to confront. But that was for another day. Right now he just wanted to live this.

“I love you too Buck.” He heard Steve whisper in his ear as his lips moved over his neck again, their bodies still tangled together beautifully. And nothing else mattered. Not one thing.

\--

Steve lay there with a sleeping Bucky in his arms, feeling tired and relieved. After holding himself back for several days to let him recover he was finally able to love him like he’d wanted to. Not the full on level they’d had at the lake but a step closer to it. He was still reluctant to push it too hard yet. Bucky was literally just starting his recovery, but it felt right enough tonight.

God he was beautiful, his face soft and peaceful in his sleep. He brushed some hair away from his face and just stared at him. Seeing his lips slightly parted, those dark lashes against his cheek, lids covering those stunning blue eyes of his. Which tonight had looked clearer than they had in a long while.

He wouldn’t kid himself into thinking that it would always be like this, but at least tonight there had been some relief for both of them.  Some of the anxiety had lifted and given them a nice reprieve. He lifted his lips to Bucky’s head and kissed it softly, letting his fingers tangle in his tousled hair. And with that action Bucky seemed to snuggle against him a little more in his sleep.

This was nice. On days like this he believed it would get better. That down the road this would be normal. The other days

His eyes flicked to the bed-stand where Bucky had put down his journal. The start of his therapy. And Steve knew he would never look at it, not unless Bucky wanted him too. Nor any of the others either. These were private things. And as much as he wanted him to feel safe enough to share them, he would never push it or invade his privacy in any way. When he wanted to talk, he would, and Steve was learning to curb his impatience with it.

And he felt pride too. Because it had taken a hell of a lot of courage for him to go there today. He was so strong, stronger than he thought. He always been strong, and Steve had wished he could see that in himself too.

A little later as he was starting to doze Bucky started his familiar shifting as a nightmare began to nip at him and he seemed to struggle a little, his body shaking. Some words in Russian spilling out again. And his eyes opened, revealing frightened blues that were Bucky but not quite him. A mix of both. And Steve tightened his arms around him, trying to soothe both Bucky and the Soldier this time, both of them seemingly present. And frightened of something.

“It’s not real.” He whispered in his ear as he pulled him close. “They can’t hurt you.”

Steve could see the frightened eyes of the Soldier as well as a hint of Bucky in them but even though the former seemed to be dominant right now, there was no effort to pull away or to cause harm.  Just seemingly clutching him and shaking hard. For Steve this was a relief, thinking maybe the Soldier was starting to trust him now. Hoping that was the case.

“I got you.” He whispered into his hair. “It’s alright.”

Finally the shaking and struggling seem to calm and the body in his arms relaxed, letting himself be comforted. “Steve?” He heard Bucky’s confused voice ask, the fingers digging into his back. His face nuzzling into Steve’s neck for comfort and warmth. Still half in the dream, sounding far away, holding onto him like a life raft in the middle of a stormy ocean.

“I’m here.” He said softly, holding him tight. “I’m not going anywhere.”

A little whimper escaped Bucky’s throat and his arm tightened around Steve as if holding n for dear life, before finally relaxing in his arms and seeming to sleep deeply again. Unconciously tucking his feet in between Steve’s as he cuddled into him. And Steve just laid there for a while, holding  him, keeping him warm and safe

“I love you Buck.” He whispered into his hair, and soon fell asleep himself, their bodies entwined together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love Sam, bringing him directly is something i've been wanting to do and he will become a good friend for Bucky as well because lord knows he needs them. 
> 
> The VA is a great place for people with these these issues and Bucky is a veteran, Steve too so to me it works well with the narrative. 
> 
> The therapy that is starting to be used for Bucky is called Cognitive Processing Therapy and it does involve using journals to express yourself. You detail your experiences on paper and discuss them with your therapist, which is good for Bucky because he's not a big talker, and he'd sued journals before. It also helps with feelings guilt and self-blame as well, rebuilding self-esteem, all things Bucky needs to work on. 
> 
> I plan to further research it but this will play out in the next several chapters. The the time frame will speed up a bit too. While it was important to go day by day early now time will pass more quickly as well. 
> 
> And I did love flashing back to the intial meeting, young ornery Steve is just too adorable to me, and I love that that was where Bucky ended up after his panic attack/flashback. It seemed fitting.
> 
> Next chapter will most likely deal with the fallout from 7, a subject of which these boys need to address directly.


	10. Fighter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow I can't believe i'm already at 10, I'm proud of myself. Anyways we had a real shitty weather day and I had nothing to do so viola I finished it ahead of schedule.
> 
> Angst, fluff and smut, all the best stuff. Oh and everyone should have a pair of bunny slippers just saying :)

Bucky woke, blinking against the bright light shining through the window, and muttered irritably, turning his face into the pillow. The bed was too damn comfortable, so warm and soft and smelled like Steve. Which always smelled like home to him. So he had no desire to leave it. Even though Steve wasn’t there.

He could smell breakfast too and smiled, nuzzling the pillow again.

It had been a week since he’d been to the VA and he was feeling better, although he had apprehension about his first real session, he also felt he was finally doing something about it all and it did give him a sense of accomplishment he hadn’t had in a long time. He had been writing things down daily, chronicling his feelings and thoughts during the ups and downs of the week and it felt good in a way to get some of it out.

Smaller instance of anxiety and minor flashbacks, not that they could ever be considered ‘minor’, had occurred, and it was important to put them all down. Like when he was cutting a rare steak and it bleed too much and he suddenly couldn’t eat it. Or extremely small spaces that caused claustrophobic reactions. They needed to be written down and chronicale for therapy as hard as this was to do.

The first couple of days had been okay, with only minor anxiety, which he could deal with. And this morning he felt, well, pretty good. He laid on his side on the bed, his eyes closed just enjoying the morning, letting his legs stretch out under the warm covers. And then he felt a soft brush of fingers on his forehead and then a kiss, causing him to smile and open his eyes to see Steve with a cup of coffee in his hand and a smile on his face.

“Hey beautiful.” He said, his voice as warm as the covers. “I made breakfast.”

“I can tell.” Bucky replied, his still groggy from sleep. “Smells good.”

Steve put the coffee on the bed-stand next to him, signaling that it was in fact for him and Bucky could smell that wonderful fresh brewed coffee smell as well. “Guess you’re hungry huh?” Steve asked, brushing some of Bucky’s hair back.

“Yeah.” He replied and got up on his elbow. “But um… first..”

Bucky wrapped his other arm around the back of Steve’s head and pulled him in for a kiss. Steve leaned over, bracing himself on either side of Bucky and completely relented to it. He loved kissing him first thing in the morning, when he was still waking up and everything still felt completely okay. He tasted like coffee and cinnamon and Bucky loved it, letting his tongue trail over his lips as they kissed lazily.

It was perfect.

“Had to get that out of the way.” Bucky said breathlessly as their lips parted. “Now I can eat.”

Steve sat back and let Bucky get up and watched him as he downed his coffee and change into regular clothes. He could feel his eyes on him as he was changing and turned to him over his shoulder, seeing a saucy smile on his face.

“What?” he asked, pulling a black t-shirt over his head.

“Nothing.” Said Steve with that same tone. “You’re just.. gorgeous that’s all.”

Bucky gave him a surprised look, scrunching his face. “Am I?”

“Sure are.” Steve told him, lifting his eyebrow. “Can’t take my eyes off you.”

Bucky scoffed a little. He didn’t think he was that much shakes to be honest. Nothing special. Scarred and broken, with shaggy dark hair and pale skin. At one point in his life he had confidence in himself, thought he wasn’t half bad but now it was like his confidence was at an all-time low. Steve on the other hand was an Adonis and he just felt fortunate enough to be in the same room with him most days, never mind getting to sleep with him. Especially when he had his pick of people to be around and he had chosen Bucky and he was still shocked that he still wanted him.

“You’re kind of corny you know that?” He said, shaking his head. “I’m not that great.”

Steve got up and walked over putting his hands on his face and looked in his eyes. “You always sell yourself short.” He said softly. “You’re more than great… you’re beautiful.”

He had a way of saying that sometimes that almost made him believe it. It was hard to though, his self- loathing was at an all-time high these days and it would take a lot to get him to even get close to leven liking himself.  But god bless Steve he kept trying. Kept fighting. Telling him he was worth it.

“You’re too good to me.” Bucky whispered, looking down. “I don’t deserve you.”

Steve slid his thumbs over Bucky’s face, causing him to close his eyes, and kissed him softly. “You do do deserve this.” He whispered against his lips, holding his face his. “You do. “

His hand slid into Bucky’s hair and pulled him closer, deepening the kiss. Bucky moaned softly against his lips, his own fingers fisting Steve’s shirt as desire began to override his senses. Damn he was good at this, at making him feel loved, wanted, desired. And Bucky, caught up in that feeling, had nothing to counteract those words. Not a damn thing.

Steve used his other arm to lift Bucky up off his feet, which turned Bucky on something fierce whenever he did it, thinking about just how damn strong he was now. That he could lift him that effortlessly when at one point, Bucky himself had once been about to toss him over his shoulder. It was just so ridiculously hot to him. He grinned into their kiss, wrapping his legs around Steve’s hips, feeling one his hands wrap around his thigh. God this was fun.

“Come on.” Steve, pulling his lips away as he hoisted him up a little more. “It’s time to eat gorgeous.” He squeezed Bucky’s ass playfully, causing him to nip his shoulder in retaliation. “Gotta keep your strength up after all.”

Bucky nibbled a little more on his neck as he was carried. “Aye aye Captain.” He sassed, enjoying himself immensely.

About halfway down the hallway, Bucky felt a vibration against his leg which confused him until he realized it was Steve’s phone, ringing on vibrate. “Fuck.” Steve swore, unable to reach. “Can you get it for me?”

Bucky chuckled, loving it when Steve swore and fished into his back pocket for him, giving him a teasing squeeze before pulling the phone out and handing it to him. The half irritated, half lustful made it well worth it. He buried his face in Steve’s should as he held him with one hand and answered the phone with the other.

“Hello?”

Paying no attention to the voice that answered on the other end, Bucky nibbled a little more on Steve’s neck, just under his ear. He knew that spot was sensitive and loved the pinched look on his face as he listened to the other person, whose voice sounded familiar to Bucky.

“Not right now okay?” He heard Steve say to the person. “I’m kinda busy.”

“Damn straight.” Bucky whispered into his neck, grabbing another handful of Steve’s ass, causing him to jerk a little and almost drop the phone. “Tell em to fuck off..”

“We’ll talk later alright?” Steve said, trying to get the person off the phone. “We’ll discuss it then..”

Bucky grinded a little more against him, enjoying himself way too much now. And with a growl bit Steve’s shoulder causing him to give a little yelp of pain and surprise.

“I’m fine.” He told the person. “Just stubbed my toe. I’ll call you back.”

Steve hung up and somehow managed to stuff his phone in his pocket again before pressing Bucky against the wall with a growl of his own. Bucky grinned saucily at the look in his eyes, that look that said he was going to pay for this. And he was looking forward to it.

“That’s how it is huh?” He asked, that husky growl doing things to Bucky’s insides.

“Uh huh.” Bucky replied, his lips brushing teasingly against Steve’s “What are you gonna do about it punk?”

Steve’s didn’t reply, just smothered his lips in a ferocious kiss. He pressed him a little harder against the wall for a moment, and then spun him around taking him to the living room instead of the kitchen. Depositing him on that big comfy couch and showing him exactly what he was going to do about it.

They forgot about breakfast, the phone call, and pretty much everything else for the time being.

\--

Steve was sitting back on his feet on the couch, Bucky’s ankles locked around his waist, entranced by the sight he saw in front of it. Bucky’s body on full display, covered in a fine sheen of sweat, muscles rippling, back arching as Steve pushed hard and deep into him. His head was thrown back against the cushion, lush lips open, deep throaty moans coming, eyes rolling with every thrust. He was just so beautiful, and he loved watching him lost in his pleasure, it turned him on, drove him further, making him want to give him more and more of it.

So he did. Gripping his hips and pulling them tighter against him, fucking him harder, feeling his heels dig into his back and loving the sensation.

He had been reluctant to go too hard with him, but Bucky hadn’t wanted him to hold back anymore, saying he didn’t want those assholes to take this from him too. He had had standing tears in his eyes when he told him they’d taken enough from him, and Steve remembered just wanting to take him in his arms then and comforting him, knowing there were things he hadn’t told him yet, and didn’t want to tell him. Abuses he still couldn’t face yet. But Steve knew he was right on that. That they shouldn’t let them win in that sense. But he still watched him carefully, making sure he was really okay with these things, letting him set the rules and pace as much as possible.

Reading his eyes today he didn’t see anything alarming just love and desire and so he didn’t hold back from giving him what he wanted.

So he fucked him good and hard right on the couch, his moans, whimpers and cries music to his ears.  Going until they both came, panting and breathless. Steve leaned over him, still buried inside him and took his lips in a deep kiss, giving him a couple extra pumps for the hell of it, feeling him whimper into the kiss, his arms limp by his side, completely spent.

Eventually he slid out and began peppering kisses all over his body, loving on him now, feeling one of his hands, the flesh one, rest on the back of his neck, hearing his ragged breathing as he began to come down.

“Who was.. on the phone?” He asked Steve breathlessly.

“Tony.” Steve murmured against his chest after leaving sweet little mark there. “Who else?”

“What did he want?”

He didn’t answer right away, rather he bit down a little on one of Bucky’s abs, causing him to yelp pleasurably, his fingers flexing on Steve’s neck. He fully planned on leaving marks all over him. Continuously claiming him as his. And Bucky seemed to enjoy this. He sure as hell never complained.

“He wanted me to come in.” He told him, sliding his hands over his thighs and kneading them. “Somethings going on I guess so I gotta go.” He looked up at him. “I want you to come with me this time.”

He saw the surprised, and slightly fearful look on Bucky’s face at that suggestion. “You sure about that?”

Resting his chin on Bucky’s stomach, still stroking one of his thighs comfortingly, he studied him. He knew Bucky and Tony hadn’t interacted much since their ‘altercation’ and that had been years ago. Tony had been at his hearings, but they hadn’t spoken then either.  It had been years to be honest and he could understand Bucky’s fear and apprehension, but he really wanted him with him today.  Not just because confronting that might help him but for another reason as well.

He didn’t want to leave him alone for too long. Was still fearful about it. Remembering how he’d literally jumped off the fire escape and ran 6 blocks. And that other thing as well.

His eyes flicked to the healing cut on his wrist, which was upturned and plainly visible.  Bucky seemed to notice and sort of shamefully turned it from him. Which saddened him a little. They still hadn’t really talked about that. Bucky seemed to want to avoid the subject and Steve didn’t push it, but it was a rather large elephant in the room just the same.

“Yeah.” He told him, pressing a kiss into his stomach. “I am.”

“I have an appointment later.” Bucky reminded him. “At 5”

“I know.” He replied, nuzzling his stomach. “We’ll go from the compound it’ll be fine.”

It was his first full on session with his therapist and Steve knew he was nervous about it. He felt him swallow hard and answer in a small voice. “Okay.”

The sound of that voice caused him to rise up and slide back up and take Bucky’s face in his hand. Looking into his eyes he said softly. “It’ll be alright Buck. I swear.” He stroked his hair softly. “You can do this.”

Bucky seemed to swallow hard again and nodded, and Steve leaned down and kissed him, smothering both his lips and his worry for the time being. Bucky’s arms wrapped around him lifting himself up a little, which allowing Steve to get his hand in his hair the way he liked.

When their lips finally parted, Bucky’s swollen from the extended lip-lock, Steve looked down at him and smiled. “Now..” He said, sliding back down to Bucky’s stomach again. “Where was I?” His fingers grazing his thighs. “Oh yeah.. right here.”

Bucky moaned as Steve bit down a little on his hip. “I think.. the food’s.. pretty cold now..” He breathed, his fingers tangled in Steve’s hair now.

“Well..” Steve whispered against his skin, satisfied at the mark he’d left. “That’s what microwaves are for aren’t they?”

Bucky moaned again in affirmation, appreciative of modern technology and seemed to melt under his lips and hands again. And Steve made good on his promise to himself, taking his time, leaving those beautiful marks on every part of him he could. He was after all, in no hurry.

\--

He felt it start to rise in him the moment he stepped into the compound. The trepidation, which brought on the all too familiar anxiety. Bucky forced himself to be calm. To just suck it for Steve’s sake but it was like half his brain didn’t want to listen to him. Which was actually quiet a normal state these days.

Everything screamed Stark. And that brought on memories. Playing that horror show in his head endlessly. Just like the tape they were all forced to watch. Including him. 

Watching himself murder two people.

Bucky hesitated in the foyer, trying to get his nerves under control to stop it from happening again. Steve noticed that he’d stopped and turned, circulating back to him as he stood there, frozen to the spot, his whole body on hyper-alert status.

“Buck.” Steve said softly, his hand on his shoulder, rubbing it gently. “You can do this.”

Bucky struggled to meet his eyes but did it. “I don’t know if I can.”

The hand went to his face for a moment, Steve stared into his eyes to steady him. “You can.” He told him, his thumb grazing his cheek. “I won’t be long I promise.”

Bucky nodded in reply, trying to keep the terror off his face. He wasn’t afraid of Tony per say, it was the memories he couldn’t face. That he kept trying to stuff down. But kept spring back up like a ball held under water the minute you relaxed your grip.  He took a few deep breaths, calming himself and startied walking again, and went up the stairs.

He didn’t used elevators that much. Most of them were too small. He felt trapped when in them.

When he Tony approach, he nearly froze again. Everything tensed and he averted his eyes, becoming suddenly very interested in an ugly painting on the wall instead. Hating himself for it but he just.. couldn’t look at him. 

“Hey Cap.” Tony said. “Long time now see.”

The sound of his voice caused the memory to come directly to the front and Bucky could barely contain the urge to just take off. Hearing the words in his head.. And he was there again.

_“Do you even remember them?”_

_His arm around his neck, ready to take him down. To finish him and he had decided at that moment to let him._

_“I remember all of them..”_

_He hadn’t but.. It hadn’t mattered at that point. He knew what he did. Knew he was guilty. It was right there in black and white on that horrible tape. The flash memories it had triggered. His arm, beating Howard to death. His hand around her throat, squeezing.._

“Buck?” He heard Steve say, pulling him out of it. “You alright?”

Bucky blinked ant looked at both of them, realizing he’d gone away for a moment. His hand shook a little, everything a little blurry and out of focus. He struggled to get it back quickly. He could feel both their eyes on him. Steve’s concerned, and Tony’s.. well he wasn’t sure about that because to do that would require looking at him.

“I’m okay I just..” He pushed out, focusing completely on Steve. “I need a minute.”

He turned around, hearing them say something to each other but he didn’t quite make it out. His hands gripped the railing, staring down at the lower level, but not really looking at it. His head in that place again.

_Laying on the cold ground, his whole body aching at the loss of the arm. It had been connected internally and the receptors and the nerves fired impulses to his brain that said Pain. A fiery heat burning him on the inside In that moment he had been back at the bottom of the mountain, bleeding into the snow, his body wracked with a similar pain. Hearing a ruckus behind him, just like he heard Steve and Tony’s voices now, far away. He was lost in the pain, the shock of part of his body being gone yet again.  Knowing that this was it. If he was going to die it might as well be like this. At the hands of someone he’d hurt._

_He’d deserved that much in his mind._

_And then heard it.._

_“Stay down, it’s your last warning..”_

_And that familiar mantra. One he’d gotten used to. “I can do this all day.”_

_And he found the will for a moment, to move. To fight.  Crawled over, grabbed a leg.. and the lights wen tout again. And in his mind, he was being dragged again. By them. Silky blackness. Pain. Hands pulling him up._

A hand touched his back and he nearly jumped out of his skin. It was Steve’s. Just like it had been then. But he was still shaking, as if cold, feeling the ghost pain on his left side. Of both lost arms. He was too tired to even hide this from Steve. From either one of them. Wanting to crawl into his arms, but too proud to do it right here, in front of Tony and everyone else walking around.

“Did it happen again?” Steve asked, his hands on both his arms.

His eyes flicked to Tony’s briefly over Steve’s shoulder and saw, or thought he saw, some concern and a little fear and anger. As far as Bucky was concerned, Tony was allowed to have both of the latter towards him. The first emotion confused him though. That Tony might have any concern for him at all. How was that even possible?

His wide, shameful eyes flicked back to Steve. “Yeah I think it did.” He admitted in a shaky voice. “I’m sorry.”

“Its alright.” He replied, his hand resting on his arm. “Just breath okay?”

Bucky did just that, taking a few deep breaths and trying to calm himself. The presence of the other man, another huge elephant in the room, wasn’t helping but he was getting it under some kind of control now. But he still felt clsustrophobic. Trapped.

“I think I need some air.” He finally said.

“There’s a balcony outside the conference room you can use that.” Steve suggested, looking to Tony who nodded as if confirm this, still not saying anything. As if understanding it was better not to. “You’ll be visible the whole time.”

Bucky chuckled hollowly. “Why? In case I decide to jump off of it?” He half joked, his voice barely above a whisper.

Steve gave him a look that was part angry and part concerned. “Don’t even joke like that.”

He averted his eyes, knowing he kind of deserved that. After what had happened up at the lake. And after his impromptu jog to the park last week. That Steve wouldn’t find it the least bit funny. It was a defense mechanism he knew, trying to make light of a shitty situation, but Steve was in not in slightest bit amused by it.

“Sorry.” He said quietly, averting his eyes. “I didn’t mean that.”

Steve studied him a moment longer, as if trying to figure out if that was true or not and it hurt Bucky a little. But once again, he thought maybe he deserved that mistrust a little.  Maybe a lot actually. He didn’t have a good track record lately.

Thankfully Tony broke it up. “Lets go.. “ He said, motioning to them. “He can hangout out there while we talk.”

They did just that, Bucky making for the glass door to the balcony while Steve and Tony sat down in this conference to talk. Bucky busted out his cigarettes and lit one, needing to calm himself, and looked out over the grounds. There was certainly an impressive amount of land here that was for sure.

Out of the corner of his eye, he could see them talking inside, in full view of Steve. Seeing him there gave him some comfort at least, but he almost felt a little like a child being watched by an over-protective parent as well. And the fact that was somewhat okay with that arrangement make him feel just a wee bit uncomfortable as well considering the nature of their relationship.

The truth was, he didn’t want to let Steve out of his sight either because, well, he only liked himself around him, and even that wasn’t much. Steve made him feel stable and safe. When Steve wasn’t around him he felt lost, confused, and dangerously unstable. Thinking Steve was the only one who kept him under some level of control.

And deep down he knew this was some unhealthy, co-dependent shit.  But he didn’t know what do about that.

So right now, he just smoked his cigarette, with his back to the conversation. Not wanting to look at them. To keep his mind turned away from the memories that had triggered and now wouldn’t leave alone

\--

He was quiet, not that Bucky was normally a big talker, but more quiet than usual. Steve glanced over every so often to check on him, telling him he wasn’t just making sure he was still there.  He had a jean clad knee up against the dashboard, one of his journals on his lap and was currently writing in it. His hair was pulled back away from his face in a ponytail and Steve could clearly see the cloudiness in his eyes every time he glanced at him.

Remembering that frightened, confused look in them a few times at the compound. Knowing he’d had another flashback. And it did not take much to figure out what it was about. And Tony’s question about it in the conference room.

_“How long has that been going on?” He had asked. And when Steve looked at him questioningly, he elaborated. “The stuff with Barnes.”_

_Steve had debated on just how much to tell him, but at least decided to be somewhat honest. “Since he’s been back.“ He explained, seeing the look on Tony’s face as he said it. “He’s getting help.”_

_“PTSD?” Tony asked, although it wasn’t really a question._

_“Among other things.”_

_“Is that why you’ve been ducking me about missions?” Tony asked candidly, his usual snark not present, being surprisingly respectful. “You don’t want to leave him alone do you?”_

_“No.” He admitted. “He’s had a few… incidents.”_

_“Well as much as you have my sympathies.” Tony said as he sat back in his chair, with a unreadable look on his face. “We need you Cap.. you gotta figure this out.”_

_“I know.” He had replied, his hands running over his face. “I’m trying to figure it out.”_

He was. It was a huge dilemma and he had really no answer for it. He knew there were things to be done, that they needed him. But then he remembered Bucky taken off that time. And the bloody wrist of course. He just didn’t want to leave him alone. He was scared to. He just kept glancing over at him every so often.

“How are you doing?” He finally asked after a long period of time.

Bucky seemed to close the notebook and look out the window before answering. “I’m okay.” He said, his voice quiet. “Just tired. “

“You sure?” He asked, not sure he believed him. “Because I know being there was hard for you.”

Bucky turned his head to him, his eyes looking pained and exhausted. “I’m fine.” He repeated and turned his head to the window again. “So what was so important we had to drive out here?”

“He wanted to know if I was coming back to work any time soon.”

Bucky looked back at him again. “Are you?”

Steve sighed heavily and looked straight ahead. “I don’t know.” He admitted. “I said I’d get back to him.”

“Is it because of me?” Bucky asked matter of factly. “Because of all this shit?”

It was a direct question, but Steve didn’t know how to answer it. How to tell him just how worried he was about him. About going away for days at a time, halfway across the world. Distracted thinking about what could possibly be happening at home.

“It’s a lot of things Buck. “ He said after a moment of silence. “Not just that. “

“Don’t lie to me okay?” He said in that same, almost emotionless voice, like he was trying to hold something in. “You don’t want to leave me along. You don’t trust me by myself.” He looked down, tapping his fingers on the notebook. “I don’t blame you. I wouldn’t trust me either.”

“That’s not true.” He replied, a little more defensively than he would’ve liked. “I do trust you.”

Bucky seemed to know better though, because when Steve looked at him, he could see his eyes filled with pain. “No you don’t.” He told him, his voice barely above a whisper. “You wouldn’t have brought me with you otherwise.. not there.”

He was right, and Steve knew it, but knowing and admitting it were, once again, 2 different things. “What do you want me to say Buck?” He asked, his voice tired as looked straight ahead, watching the road. “That I’m worried it might happen again?”

“That what might happen again?”  Bucky asked, pain leaking into his voice now. “Just tell me okay. I won’t break.”

Finally, he just said it, there was really no point in not being honest. “What if you do it again?” He asked. “You have another incident or.. god ford you.. you want to hurt yourself again and I’m not there?” He pulled over into the VA parking lot and shut the engine off. “What then?”

He watched Bucky sit there for a moment, not looking at him, biting his lip as he rubbed his arm. Could see him playing it in his head as well. Searching himself, and not liking what he saw when he did.

“I don’t know.” He finally said, his jaw doing a little tremble that hurt Steve to see. “I don’t have an answer I just.. know it can’t go on like this that’s all.” He looked at him, his eyes so full of pain and guilt. “You can’t be with me 24 hours a day and I.. can’t guarantee anything.. I wish I could.”

Steve could see he really did. He didn’t trust his own mind not betray him again. Not to send hideous images and turn him inward and hate himself again. Make him question everything including his own value. His own sanity. Hell he couldn’t even trust himself to really sleep. To not lash out and hurt someone. Including himself. Steve hurt for him, because the pain and confusion was all over his face.

“Buck.” He said, reaching his hand out to touch his. “I don’t have to make the decision right now okay? I can wait.”

“Can it?” He asked, his voice seriously pained now as he turned to him. “The world still needs you Steve. Bad things are still gonna happen, people are get hurt and you can’t just sit here and babysit me while it does… _you can’t..”_

Steve hated when people told him couldn’t do something, and damn Bucky knew that, but he said it just the same. It made him a little angry in spite of himself. As if he was trying to pick a fight or something.

“It’s my life.” He told him, the sharp edge coming into his voice despite his attempts to stop. “I’ll decide what I can and can’t do.”

“Yeah I know.” Bucky said tiredly, his hand on his head. “You’re a stubborn shit like that. You need to fix everything yourself.” He turned his pained eyes to Steve. “Including me.”

That remark hit a little too close to the mark, which pissed him off a little. “Don’t you think that’s oversimplifying it?”

“No I think it fits.” Bucky said, grabbing up his bag. “I’m just.. I’m all messed up and I’m… “ He paused as he struggled with the strap. “I’m distracting you from what you need to do.” Finally getting a grip on it and looking up at him with those huge, pain-filled blue eyes. “I’m just a burden.”

Steve softened a little at the guilt behind that remark, grabbed the metal wrist lightly and felt him pull away a little. “Bucky.. no.” He said softly, trying like hell to fix the conversation. But Bucky was almost already out of the car. “You’re not.”

He got out too, not done with this yet. He circled around the car and caught up with Bucky who had walked across two car spaces already. He took his arm, not hard, but not gentle either and turned him around, to which he gave little physical resistance.

“I gotta go Steve.” He tried to argue, biting his lip and looking away. “I’m gonna be late.”

“I think they’ll forgive you.” Steve told him, holding his arm. “You’re not a burden Buck, you go to stop thinking that.”

“You should be out there saving lives Steve, that’s who you are.” Bucky told him, finally meeting his eyes again. “Not anchored down to me.. “ He swallowed as if trying to compose himself. “I’m not worth it.”

There he went with that again. His self-esteem was in the toilet these days and Steve understood this as a fallout from his illness and trauma. It tore it to tatters. Any sense of value he had in himself was ripped apart by his memories of what he’d done and, in his mind, being crazy and unstable. And Steve was at a loss as how to get him believe otherwise. He leaned his forehead against Bucky’s, hand on his face now, the falling leaves from the parking lot trees, swirling around them.

“You are worth it.” He whispered to him. “You are.”

Bucky rested his hand on Steve’s for a moment, taking a deep breath before stepping back. “We’ll talk about this later okay?” He told him, his eyes apologetic for some reason. “I gotta go.”

“I’ll be here when you get out okay?”

Bucky nodded, and turned, walking to doors and going in by himself. He’d insisted on this, going in by himself and Steve supposed it was a good thing. Giving him a sense of empowerment to do it by himself.  But he had felt the urge to run up to him and hug him again, just to wrap him tight and not let go.  He didn’t realize how hard it had been to let him out of his sight these days.

Thinking Bucky may have had a point about not trusting him. Maybe he didn’t.

Maybe he had to learn to. Give him a little space to start trusting himself a little more.

So he decided that instead of just hanging out and waiting, he’d go get himself a late lunch and a coffee and let Bucky do what he needed to for now.

They would have to talk about this. He’d get him to talk. And get himself to talk to as well. To really talk. It was more than time for that he decided as he got in the car and left for lunch.

\--

He was even more quiet on the way home, his therapy session putting him into an even deeper thought hole than he had been in before. During it he had allowed more to slip than he intended and his earlier statements in the car had weighed heavily on him. Recalling something his therapist had asked him, in her simple way that made his mind turn in spite of itself.

_“You realize you’ve put yourself down several times in the last couple of minutes?”_

_Bucky had been startled by this observation because he hadn’t even noticed he’d done it. “I did?”  He had asked._

_“When you speak of Steve, you use very positive terms.” Amelia explained in her soft way.  
“But when talking about yourself the tone and words are very derogatory. You call yourself a burden, and say you’re not worth it. Why do you think you do that?”_

He had been stunned into silence unable to answer it. It was such a simple question and he may have already known the answer to it but he couldn’t say it. There were many times when he felt okay, almost normal even, usually with Steve in certain moments. But there was also time he felt like a used-up empty shell of person, a killer with no real redeemable qualities. He felt like nothing and didn’t understand why Steve would waste his time on him. Those feeling would come up all of sudden, creeping into everything and make him say things like he did today to Steve.

Questioning his motivations again. Questioning everyone’s.

Like the concern he’d seen on Tony’s face earlier when he’d had his.. incident, had bothered him more than the residual fear and anger he thought he might’ve seen. Because, he was realizing he felt he deserved the later more than the former.

Just like he felt he deserved Steve’s mistrust more than his love.

Like he’d thought he’d be better off without him. Which brought back the memory of holding the razor in his hand and he couldn’t face that thought. But it was there, dragging on him and he knew he could not avoid it forever.

So now he was sitting on the bed, with his legs crossed, notebook in his lap, feeling his head start to hurt from all of it. Steve had given him a little extra space today, he was on his computer in the other room, Bucky could hear a clack on the keys every so often, which was a strangely comfortingly sound. And suddenly he just needed to be near him again. To feel his presence close to him.

He needed to talk. Maybe really talk for once. To come clean a little.

Marking the spot in his notebook with his pen, Bucky put it on the bed-stand and walked to the other room, and leaned against the doorway for a moment, just watching him on his laptop. Steve was sitting there, in a t-shirt and sweatpants, with a pair of reading glasses on, just looking adorable to Bucky and he just needed a minute to take the image in before disturbing him.

Steve saved him the trouble of interrupting him by turning, as if he knew he’d been there. Bucky was always shocked by this, because he was quiet as all hell, at least he thought he was, but Steve seemed to always know he was there. It made him wonder if he’d always known when he’d snuck around in the wake of him first coming home. That maybe he’d let him work that shit out on his own. And if that was true, he loved him even more for that.

“How are doing?” He asked Bucky tentatively, taking his glasses off.

“Not so good.” He answered honestly, unconsciously biting his lip. “Can we talk?”

Steve studied him, a soft look on his face. “Of course.” He replied, turning in his chair to face him. “You don’t have to ask you know?”

Bucky nodded, crossing his arms, staying where he was. Not wanting to cross the threshold to within touching distance just yet. It was far too easy to retreat into his arms and just forget than it was to actually open up in a real way. So he stayed there, and Steve seemed to instinctively understand this as well, giving him the personal space he needed.

“I’m just.. I’m sorry about what I said in the car. I didn’t mean it.” He started, and corrected himself a little, wanting to be honest. “Well maybe I did, maybe I meant it. I just don’t know why I do that sometimes. Why I have to question you’re motivations like that I just..”

“I know Buck.” He said softly, letting his hands hang between his legs. “I get it I do.”

Bucky smiled a bit sadly at him. “I just don’t feel like I’m worth all the time you spend on me. Like I don’t deserve it.” He continued, pushing the words out with some effort. His arms tightened around himself more as he talked. As if in some way protecting himself. “I know you love me, I do.. I just… feel like I’m this broken thing you’re trying to fix, and that there’s better things out there to save than me.”

He saw the pained look on Steve’s face, but he still didn’t get up, reading Bucky’s body language perfectly. That he wasn’t done. “Buck that’s not true.”

“I know it isn’t. “ He answered, shifting a little. “I know I’m not just a charity case for you. It’s just how I feel and that’s on me not you.” Meeting his eyes again, trying to make that clear. “I’m all fucked up and I’m sorry about that.”

Steve shook his head. “You don’t need to apologize.” He told him. “It’s not your fault.”

Bucky swallowed hard hearing that, still unable to accept it. “It feels like it is.” He replied, looking down at his feet, clad in these silly bunny slippers Steve had given him. “And you’ve got every right not to trust me alone after everything. Hell I don’t trust myself these days.”

Steve didn’t say anything, as if sensing Bucky had more to say. And he did. It was right on the edge of his lips. He was struggling to push it out. To admit it. To admit the truth he’d been hiding from since that night in the bathroom. He steadied himself as best he could, because he had to say it.

“I didn’t just try to hurt myself that night Steve.” He began, feeling himself shiver as if cold, trying to pull in on himself a bit. “I wanted to die.. and.. you were the only thing that kept me from doing it and…” His chest hitched as he tried to hold himself together. “Sometimes I still.. feel like I could do it again.”

Admitting that seemed to take a weight off him, he hadn’t expected himself to say it, hadn’t even brought it to the front of his mind until now. Hadn’t wanted to face the fact that the urge to end it was still there sometimes. Along with the fear that he might hurt others as well.  These terrors lived in those dark places in his head, along with the memories of the abuses he still couldn’t face. But it felt like a relief to finally get that fear out into the open.

He was so mired in his own mind he didn’t even hear Steve get up, didn’t even notice until he was enveloped in his arms tightly. He just stood there for a moment, letting himself be hugged, his face pressed into his shoulder, looking at the wall behind Steve blankly. And then he lifted his arms finally and wrapped them around him, burying his face in shoulder.

“I’m sorry Steve.” He whispered into his shoulder. “I gave up and I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay Buck.” Steve whispered back, his hand on the back of his head. “It’s okay.”

Bucky could feel the emotion in Steve’s embrace, knowing he’d scared the hell out of him that day, and to admit that he was still occasionally having those thoughts had to frightening. His hands fisted Steve’s shirt tightly, hating himself a little more for all he’d put him through but feeling so loved and protected at the same time.

“I promise I won’t do it again.” He said, lifting his head, his lips still against his shoulder. “I’ll try harder I swear.”

He felt Steve’s lips press to his forehead and his eyes closed again. “You’re still here.” He heard him say. “That’s all that matters.”

Bucky’s fingers flexed tighter into his shirt, grabbing a little flesh as well, nuzzling his face into Steve’s neck and breathing him in slowly. “You know I kind of love you punk.” He breathed against his skin, feeling warmth spread over him, pushing out the usual chill on his skin.

“Yeah well.” Steve said in his ear. “I definitely love you.”

Bucky smiled and just stood there, in no real hurry to move.

\--

They were back in their room, on the bed, just kissing and touching softly. With no real hurry or destination in mind. Steve ran his hand softly over Bucky’s waist and hip, their tongues pressing softly against each other, legs tangled intimately. Sometimes it was just nice to do this. Especially after such a heavy conversation. After such a rough day in general.

The pulled their lips apart eventually and Bucky tucked his head under Steve’s chin, and Steve wrapped own his arms around his waist, letting his other hand play in his hair a little, the fingers stroking gently. He felt Buck’s lips nuzzle his throat, his metal arm tightening around Steve’s back and just let himself relax as well.

What he’d said had scared him, made him want to never let him out of his sight. But a part of him knew he couldn’t do that. Couldn’t smother him like that either. Bucky was trying. Starting to do a few things on his own and even though he was afraid of doing it, Steve knew he needed to do this. To start trusting himself again. Thinking maybe he should consider going back to work again.

He felt a strange fuzziness against his ankles and realized that Bucky was wearing his slippers still. He hadn’t noticed earlier but noticed it now and smiled at the sight. They were white bunny slippers, Steve had had them for some reason and Bucky had started wearing them around the house lately. And there was something so cute about the way they looked on him.

“I guess you like those huh?” He asked Bucky, who lifted his curiously to see what he was talking about. “The slippers.”

He saw Bucky smile, and it was such a beautiful thing really. He didn’t do it anywhere near as much as he should Steve lamented, because he had beautiful smile. It lit up his eyes and took the pain out of them, and of all the things Hydra taken from him this was the thing that Steve had hated them the most for. Taking that smile asway and replacing it with hurt.

“Yeah I do.” Bucky said, wiggling one of his feet. “It’s kind of hard to be depressed when I wear these.” His smile faltered a little. “Although sometimes I manage to.. but still.”

Steve rubbed his nose playfully against Bucky’s. “They suit you.”

He saw Bucky smile again, almost shyly, which was adorable by the way, and felt the soft fuzzy ears of the slipper slid up his leg a little. It tickled causing him to titter a little before kissing him. Because why not right? After all the heaviness today, a little silliness was nice.

“Maybe I should wear them more often.”  Bucky whispered against his lips, still running the bunny ears teasingly against Steve’s leg. “Maybe even… you know.. leave them on sometimes.”

Steve smiled against his lips, pulling him closer, letting his fingers fist his hair a little. Gently of course, he was still leery of doing that too hard yet. No matter what Bucky had said, there was still trauma there. Still potential triggers.  Sountil he was sure, he would be careful. But he loved the feel of it in his fingers. And loved the way Bucky responded it to, moaning softly into their kiss, his own hand pulling on Steve’s shirt.  His leg slid around Steve’s now, the fuzzy slipper rubbing his calf deliciously, causing his body to react. Thinking it was funny that he was getting turned on by bunny slippers.

Maybe it was just the person wearing them that did it for him.

He turned Bucky onto his back and continued kissing him for a moment, unable to help himself. “Hmm well then.” He comtemplated as he pulled his lips away, running his hands over the waistband of Bucky’s pants. “Gotta figure how to take these off without removing them.”  He tapped his lips with his fingers as if deep thought. “Such a dilemma.”

Bucky smirked at him. “Don’t hurt yourself too much sweetheart.” He said as he wiggled a little under him. “Even you’re smart enough to figure this out.”

He studied Bucky for a second, seeing that saucy good humor in him like he remembered from before. He was getting a lot of this back. A little at a time as he was healing. And the fact that after such a rough confession that he could bounce back into it again made him love him that much more. Because he was just so strong. He was a fighter at heart. He smiled at him, pressing a kiss to his stomach.

“You’re such a jerk you know that?” He told him, sliding his hands down his legs.

Carefully he took the cuffs of Bucky’s pj’s and pulled them over the heels of the slippers, gently tugging until it all slid down. Lifting each leg, he pulled them off and tossed them aside, grinning proudly that the slippers were still on Bucky’s feet, the little bunny eyes staring up at him cutely.

“Well done Captain.” Bucky said, impressed, his eyelashes hooding his blue eyes. “I guess you get the prize.”

Steve leaned over him, running his hands over Bucky’s now bare thighs. “So what do I win?”

“Well I’d say me but..” Bucky started, sliding his fingers over his chest. “I’m already yours.”

That just about undid him right there, making him feel that powerful love and possessiveness. He knew Bucky could see it too, because his eyes darkened, in a good way this time.  Lowing his head, he pressed another kiss to Bucky’s stomach, just below the hem of his t-shirt, electing to leave that on for now, feeling the warmth of his skin against his lips.

“You sure are Beautiful.” He murmured against his skin, hands wrapping around Bucky’s things. “All mine.”

He pulled Bucky’s knees over his shoulders and proceeded to ravish him with his lips and tongue, loving the moans and cries this elicited. Loving that he could make him feel this good, even on days like this. To show him he was beautiful and loved, and so worth it all.

And he smiled as he worked him, feeling the fuzzy bunny slippers sliding against his back as Bucky writhed under his onslaught. It was such a lovely sensation and he gripped his thighs tighter, feasting on him hungrily. Claiming him again as his own.

Yeah he really did like those slippers a lot.

\--

Bucky found himself in the beautiful, safe space he loved so much. Where all he could feel was pleasure and the feel of Steve all around him. Against him, inside him, hitting all the aching places and setting them alight inside him. His hands on his thighs, his hips. Sometimes in his hair. Lips on his skin, catching his own every so often in deep, languid kisses that left him breathless.

The world outside did not exist in these moments. Neither did the guilt, shame and pain. He was safe in the cocoon of love and pleasure. Nothing else touched him here. The monsters that had hurt him couldn’t get him here. He moaned and cried out, saying his name and declaring his love in breathless sighs.

His fingers flexed into Steve’s back, his leg, with the slipper still on it, wrapped around his thigh, taking every deep hard thrust with wild abandonment. His eyes rolled, his body arched to take him deeper, feeling the friction of the shirt he was still wearing between their bodies. Bucky thought, when he could, that half dressed sex was not overrated at all.

Steve then pushed so deep into him he couldn’t think at all, and felt his climax coming hard. A couple more like that, filling him, pressing and rubbing every good spot deliciously every and he fell over the edge, graying out from the force of it, and felt Steve’s as well. Their bodies shook and vibrated against each other and Steve collapsed onto him, laying with his weight on Bucky, and in the state of bliss he was in, he barely felt it at all.

All he felt was love and safety.

Their lips found each other again and as per usual as he kissed him, Steve liked to give Bucky a few extra pumps, holing his hips as he did it, causing him to whimper against his lips at the extra stimulation.  His arms fell bonelesly to his sides, feeling so blissfully fucked out he couldn’t even move now.

When their lips finally parted Bucky looked up at Steve with his eyes half-lidded. “Damn I love you..” He breathed, groaning softly as Steve finally pulled out of him, but stayed right there between his open legs, caressing his thighs softly, causing his eyes to flutter at the feel of it.

“I love you too.” Steve whispered to him, nuzzling his neck. “God you’re so beautiful.”

Bucky actually felt himself blush when Steve said that. He didn’t think he was. There might have been a time when he was confident in himself, but it wasn’t the case anymore. All he could see was the ugly, broken, dangerous thing that he was. The idea that he might be beautiful and worthy of all this was foreign to him. But the reverent way Steve said it to him at that moment was reaching into his tortured soul and upending him in a beautiful way.

“Well.. I’m flattered but..” He whispered, trailing his fingers over his back. “I’m not.”

Steve looked up into his eyes, sliding his hand all the way up Bucky’s body to his neck, his blue eyes intense as he stared into Bucky’s. “Yes you are.” He told him adamantly. “And I’m gonna keep saying it until you believe it.”

He then lowered his head and nuzzled his lips into the scar tissue on his shoulder, kissing it where the flesh ended and the metal began, and Bucky sighed, closing his eyes at how good this felt. His head fell back against the pillow, his hand sliding into Steve’s hair, just letting the sensation wash over his heated body.

“That might take a while.” He whispered to him. “Just saying.”

Steve lifted his head slightly again. “Well you know me.” He said with a determined voice. “I never give up on anything.”

Then he returned to what he was he was doing. And Bucky he meant that. The Steve he knew would never stop fighting. And he was fighting for him with every ounce of energy he had. As long as Steve had breath in his body he’d never stop fighting and oh did Bucky love him for that. Had always loved him for it. Since the day he’d met him.

“Yeah I know.” He said, smiling to himself. “You’re kind of stupid like that.”

Steve chuckled against his shoulder and that vibration against his body felt so wonderful he wrapped his arms tighter around him, letting one slipper clad foot wrap around his leg in contentment.

Thinking he could stay like this all night. It was perfect.

\--

Later that night, Steve was awoken by movement on the bed. The familiar feeling of Bucky’s restless sleep. He let his eyes adjust to the darkness and could him sitting on his ankles on the bed staring at him. The posture didn’t seem threatening in any way, just somewhat eerie. Steve sat up himself, facing him and as he moved his hand, it hit a cold. Hard object with a familiar shape.

The gun. He didn’t know how Bucky how found it, he had tried to keep it away from him, especially lately but here it was.

He could see the Soldier’s eyes staring at him, even in the dark, tracking his movements as Steve wrapped his hands around the handle of the gun. He was acutely aware that it was closer to him than to the soldier and that registered to him as bizarre. It wasn’t a threatening gesture, never had been. It was like he was giving it to him.

“What is this for?” He asked him, not expecting an answer. So he was surprised when he got one.

“Protocol.” Was all he said.

Something started to click in Steve’s head. Remembering something Bucky had said about the Soldier thinking Steve was CO. His handler. As bad a connotation as that was for Steve to think of, knowing the abuses some of those same handlers had inflicted on him, there was something in this that screamed that was starting make sense. He was giving him the gun. It wasn’t for his own protection, it was for something else.

A terrifying idea was starting to form in his head, the idea that Steve was supposed to use this on the Soldier himself. A sort of self-destruct protocol buried deep inside him.

The gun was for the handler to put down the asset if necessary or he was no further use. And the weapon was supplied by the asset himself.

Steve put his hand on his head for a moment, thinking about all the times had probably done this without even knowing why. Not just with him, but with all his handlers over the years. Given the power to put him down at any time. Because he was nothing to them, something to be used, abused and tossed away when no longer useful. How long had he had to live if Steve hadn’t reached him that day in the helicarrier? Wondering what would’ve happened to Bucky had Hydra succeeded that day. 

He would no longer be needed that’s what.

And Steve started thing if maybe this, along with his other deep-seated traumas, was why he felt so worthless inside. As if a part of him knew this was there on some subconscious level. That he was no longer useful. It made him sad and angry at the same time.

He put the gun down, the Soldiers eyes tracking him as he did, confusion showing on his face again. Steve reached out and put his hand on his arm and looked in those icy eyes, having absolutely no fear of him whatsoever.

“I would never do that.” He told him softly, entwining the fingers of their hands together. “You mean more to me than that.”

He watched cautiously as a kind of transformation came over the Soldiers face. It was subtle but clear. The eyes changed, softened, as did the posture and suddenly it was Bucky again. Not asleep, but fully awake, blinking in confusion. And then a little bit of fear as well.

“Steve?” He asked, reaching his hand out as if to make sure he was okay. “What happened?”

“It’s alright Buck.” He told him, pulling him closer. “Nothing happened I swear.”

Bucky’s eyes flicked to the bed-stand and saw the gun there. It hadn’t been there before. He looked fearful again. Afraid he’d done something. “What did I do?” He asked, his voice shaking. “Did I hurt you?”

“No you didn’t it’s okay.” He reassured him, putting his hands on his face. “It’s okay now I swear.”

Even in the dark he could see Bucky’s face sort of crumble right before he crawled into Steve’s arms, burying his face against his shoulder. He shook in his arms and Steve held him tight against him, letting out a breath of relief. Knowing it could’ve been a lot worse. It had been a lot worse.

He did and internal debate on whether to tell him what had happened, what he had learned, and decided that for the time being there was no reason to. Eventually maybe, just not now.

“I’m sorry about this Steve.” He heard Bucky say quietly against his shoulder.

“It’s alright Buck.” He reassured, pulling back putting his hands back on his face. “Lets go back to sleep okay?”

Bucky nodded, trustingly allowing Steve to lay him back down, pulling the covers over both of them again. He wrapped his arms around him and felt him cuddle into him as if could crawl inside his body, his feet tucking in between Steve’s. He rested his chin on top of Bucky’s head, trying to soothe him back to sleep again. And eventually he felt his trembling stop and his body relax into sleep.

Steve laid awake a little longer, thinking about what he’d just learned, and what he should say if Bucky asked in the daylight hours. And the decision he had to make about the future. About going back to his work, being the Captain again. Interlaced with the worry of leaving Bucky to fend for himself right now, even though he knew he had to learn to function on his own again. It was a troubling dilemma really.

He kept tossing it over until he finally settled down and relax, realizing these decisions did not have to made today. That was a relief in of itself, and let himself fall asleep, holding Bucky close to him protectively.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so everyone remembers the gun thing from Chapter 2, it finally got addressed again. The concept of the WS supplying his handler/CO with a weapon to put him down is not new and I believe it's a very strong possibility that this was the case. Basing it on the scene in CATWS in which Bucky is sitting at the table in front of Pierce and seems to leave a gun for him. It's a sad concept to think that they would program him to provide the weapon for his own destruction but I wouldn't put it past them at all. 
> 
> Do we think the feeling of worthlessness and low self-confidence could be tied up in that unconciious protocal in his his head. Along with his PSTD and rape trauma it probably does. Another thing a lot of love and therapy are needed for. Rebuilding self-confidence unfortunately takes a lot longer than it takes to destroy it. 
> 
> One elephant in the room got addressed as well. Bucky admitting finally that he did, in fact want to die was pretty powerful in terms of his recovery. 
> 
> The issue with Tony will also be addressed down the line, right now Bucky is too early in his treatment to confront that directly but it will come. 
> 
> And to me the bunny slippers just added that touch of serious fluff that I wanted in the midst of this :)
> 
> Next chapter will most likely deal with separation because Steve does have a job to do and Bucky does need to learn how to trust himself and function on his own again. And Sam Wilson will play in this upcoming one, for which I am delighted because I adore him so much. 
> 
> And thank you all for the lovely comments and insight, I do appreciate it greatly <3<3


	11. My Skin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yaaay okay finally got this one done :)

Bucky had asked Steve a total of 3 times about the gun on the bed-stand over the next couple of days and Steve had given him the same answer. That nothing happened, he’d just retrieved it somehow in his sleep. And finally, he just accepted the explanation even if he knew Steve wasn’t being entirely truthful. Thinking maybe he really didn’t want to know himself at this point.

He forgot about it the day Steve told him he was going back to work with the Avengers again.  He felt elated at the idea of Steve doing, lets face it, what he was born to do, and images of him in that blue stealth suit were very pleasant to Bucky’s mind. But he was also apprehensive about it too. About when he was called back to duty and that he would, in fact, be left alone.

When the call came in, he was literally torn, but did his best to assure Steve that he would, in fact be fine the night before he was to leave. And then Steve had pestered him for almost an hour to the point of annoyance, making sure he was alright with this. Bucky felt like throwing him out of the bedroom just so he could write but he was just so damn adorable he relented and gave up his writing to finally put his mind at ease that it was okay.

When the morning came however, he’d woken up early, the sun barely up, because he was feeling the nervousness again. He woke Steve up with kisses and touches, wanting just a little more time before he left. Trying to hide the fear he felt about it for so many reasons.

And here they were now, his knees on either side of Steve’s hips, riding him, his hands pressed into his chest, Steve’s hands gripping his ass as the sun started peaking through the windows. He was still half-dressed in that hazy half-asleep state, feeling him thrusting up into him, moaning with need and desire. Almost feeling like he was in a beautiful dream, and if that was the case, he didn’t want to wake up from it.

Wanting to put off the inevitable as long as possible.

“Steve..” He moaned, feeling him grip his hips harder, holding him onto him, and bent a little changing the angle, his eyes rolling at the sensation. “Fuck…”

He was letting all his fear and worry flow into it, fueling the passion at the moment, driving him further. Pushing down as Steve pushed up, feeling him go deeper into him and filling him to the point where he could barely think.  His head fell back, his fingers flexing on Steve’s chest, moaning inchoherently.

“Come on... beautiful..” He heard Steve groan at him, emphasizing each word with a delicious upward thrust. “Look..at…me…”

Bucky obeyed that soft command, looking down into his eyes, locking them together. He bit his lip saucily as he grinded harder, so keyed up, his body on fire. Feeling the flush all over his skin as his pleasure climbed higher. He felt Steve’s hands grip his ass even tighter and push up hard into him and his eyes rolled, every muscle tensing as he felt himself contract. It was coming. And hard too.

“Don’t…you close.. your eye...” Steve growled at him, giving him another just like the last one. “I..wanna  see them..”

It was a struggle to do so because holy hell it was coming on strong, all his anxiety and love pouring into his release like massive tidal wave. But he somehow kept them open, letting Steve see it. And then all of sudden there was this insanely deep, hard thrust, filling him to the brim and hitting absolutely everything and his nerves lit up like a wildfire. He cried out, fingers flexing, toes curling, feeling his mind lose touch with the world for a moment. Vision graying out even as he somehow managed to keep his eyes on Steve’s. Letting him see all of it wash over him. The feeling was so intimate it just blew his mind away for a moment and he was lost.

Suddenly he was laying, exhausted in his arms, not even aware of how he got there. There was that beautiful state of bliss, his mind drifting on a cloud, every nerve ending in his body humming sweetly. He was curled up on his chest purring like a kitten, his eyes fluttering shut, Steve’s hand tangled in his hair.

“You’re so beautiful.” He heard Steve whisper, those fingers brushing through his hair. “I love watching you baby..”

Bucky smiled hearing Steve call him that, nuzzling his chest contentedly. When Steve said things like that when he was in this state, he actually felt it. Felt loved and beautiful. It was only later when the doubt would creep in, but at this moment, he could believe that maybe he was.

“You do huh?” He asked, resting his chin on Steve’s chest, letting his metal fingers trace lazily over Steve’s hip. “That sounds a little corny you know?”

Steve chuckled and Bucky could feel the vibration as he laid there. “Maybe but..” He brushed some more of Bucky’s hair away from his face. “It’ the truth.”

Bucky smiled again at that remark. “Well you’re in luck.” He told him, sliding up a little to kiss him. “I happen to like corny.”

He did. But only if came from Steve. That sweet corniness that he sometimes had that made people think of him as wholesome or vanilla. Bucky knew he wasn’t either but he had basic goodness in him that he just couldn’t help but love. It grounded him. He let him pull into another sweet kiss, letting himself taste him, his hands exploring him as they lay there.

“Dammit.” He heard Steve say against his lips. “How am I supposed to leave you now?”

 “Well.. I kinda don’t want to let you.” Bucky admitted, pulling his lips away and pressing them to  Steve’s chest. “But you gotta go save the day Captain.” He slid his hand languidly over Steve’s hip again. “It’s what you do.”

Steve kissed his head softly. “I know.”

“How long til you have to leave?” Bucky asked, nuzzling his neck now.

“The jet leaves the compound in about two hours.” Steve informed him, brushing his lips over Bucky’s as he lifted his head. “Still got plenty of time.”

He then wrapped his hand around the back of Bucky’s head and pulled him a deep kiss, their tongues sliding against each other, bodies sliding together deliciously. Steve turned him onto his back sliding his body between Bucky’s legs and he felt the twinge that said he wanted it again. They weren’t gonna see each other for a couple of days after all.

“And I’m not done with you sweetheart. “ Steve growled against his lips, pulling Bucky’s hips against his again. “Not by a long shot.”

Bucky moaned hearing this, letting his legs move further apart. After the fucking he’d just gotten his body needed no preparation for round 2. Feeling wanton, feral, wanting more. Needing it like air.

“Please..” He begged, grinding against him. “Please.”

He knew Steve could hear the beg in hi voice and he could see his eyes darken as he grabbed his hips again. “Of course beautiful.” He growled softly, turning Bucky’s insides to mush again. “no need to beg today.”

Bucky felt him push almost effortlessly back into his waiting body again and his eyes rolled in his head again, a deep moan escaping him. He loved the moment of first entry, of being filled. Of joining. It pushed everything out. Any worries he’d had when he woken were gone, lost in a double blast of pleasure Steve was giving him this morning.

Steve’s hands slid up his body to his arms, finding his hands and entwining their fingers together, pressing them to bed on either side of Bucky’s head. He looked into his eyes and began to move again, his thighs pushing Bucky’s even further apart as began to fuck him again. Bucky’s overstimulated body singing with every deep thrust into him, knowing full well he wasn’t going to be able to walk straight later but didn’t care.

Nothing mattered but this feeling right here.

Of being home. Of being loved.

His lips were smothered in a deep kiss and he forgot about that as well, losing himself in the pleasure of it all. Their fingers un-entwining and re-entwining intimately on the bed, and the world ceased to exist for a little longer.

\--

Steve watched him sleep for a few minutes, just taking in the view. His dark lashes laying against his cheek, swollen lips parted, hair tossled. Body showing a lovely post-coital flush. He was just so beautiful in these moments he felt the need to take a picture of it, even though he’d already committed it to memory. So he grabbed his phone and took one.

Just in case he needed it.

He kissed Bucky’s head softly, which caused him stir only slightly and smile in his sleep. And he snapped another picture as well just for the hell of it before he reluctantly peeling himself away from him and got out of bed to get ready to go.

He watched as Bucky turned and snuggled against the pillow and felt glad that he was sleeping. Not just because h e needed it, but because it would’ve been a lot harder to get out of bed if those stormy blue eyes had been open and looking at him with that look that made him want to stay.

There might have been a third round if that happened.

So he quietly exited, and got himself a shower and got dressed. Not wanting to wake him just yet. He then brewed some coffee for both of them and brought both cups in, drinking his and waving the other one just under Bucky’s nose, causing it to twitch a little as the smell hit him. And those beautiful blue eyes of his opened and he smiled up at Steve.

“Is it that time already?” He groaned a little and stretched, turning slightly onto his back.

“Sure is sunshine.” Steve told him, watching him lean up on his elbows. “I gotta leave real soon.. Tony’s already texted me about 5 times.”

Steve sat down on the side of the bed, seeing the fear and apprehension showing up in Bucky’s eyes, and brushed his hair slightly with his fingers as if to comfort him. 

“Don’t do anything stupid okay?” Bucky told him, putting on a brave smile. “You’re way too important to me punk.”

“I know. I’ll try to be careful.” He told him and smiled. “I might even use a parachute this time.”

Bucky’s eyes widened. “Wait a minute..” He replied, sitting up a little more. “What do you mean THIS time?”

Steve chuckled and kissed his nose, thinking the look was adorable. Knowing that if Bucky knew some of the risks he’d taken over the years he would’ve tied him to the bed never let him leave. “I swear I’ll be fine.” Het told him reassuringly. “I promise.”

Bucky seemed to cross him arms and gave him that look. That look that said he would get an explanation for this and that there might be trouble when he does. Steve actually thought it was just utterly adorable.

“You come back any less than intact punk you’re in trouble.” He informed him. “You got that?”  

Steve grinned at him saucily. “Yes Sergeant.”

He saw Bucky roll his eyes and he couldn’t resist anymore, grabbing his face and kissing him solidly. He fisted his hair in his and felt Bucky do the same to his shirt and had to fight the urge to lay him back on the bed and go for yet another round. But he was already running late he knew.

Steve reluctantly pulled himself away and looked in his eyes, seeing the fear again, but for a whole different reason now. Not afraid for Steve but for himself, not trusting himself to handle things in Steve’s absence. Not completely.

“You can do this Buck.” He softy softly to him, stroking his hair. “I know you can.”

Bucky nodded, swallowing hard. “I love you.” He whispered to him, trying to push back his worry.

“I love you too.” He replied right back, giving him another soft kiss. “I’ll be back before you know it.”

Pulling back, he grabbed up his bag and left the room. His phone buzzed as he got to the door and he answered it. “Yes Tony I’m on my way.”

Closing the door behind him, he let out a breath and for the first time in months walked away from Bucky. It would only be a few days, but he knew it would feel like forever.  

\--

He was in the Bodega, minding his own business, picking up some extra supplies, when the trouble started.

Steve had left that morning for his overnight mission, and Bucky told himself he was ready for this, to swing it on his own for a few days. But now that day was finally here.  And he had not had as easy of a time as he’d hoped about this.

The house had felt considerably empty when he’d left. Bucky had lain in bed for a little bit longer, still feeling the aftereffects of their amazing morning. He didn’t want to leave the bed just yet, because it was warm and smelled like Steve, which was comforting to him at the moment. So he snuggled into the bed for a little longer, replaying it all in his mind, smiling contentedly.

After a while though he’d finally got up, feeling a pleasant soreness that made him smile in spite of himself. Boy that double dip had been good. Great actually. So worth it. It had, in a way, helped relax him and ease his anxiety over him leaving to a degree. And when he breathed, he could still smell him all over him. Even when cleaned himself up the smell was still there, relaxing him. He noticed he had some new marks to be proud of as well. Making him feel loved and comforted even in his absence. 

To him this was what home felt like. Steve presence still there even when he physically wasn’t.

Bucky had realized when he was having breakfast, that they were low on milk. Breakfast consisted today of cereal today, because he didn’t trust himself enough with Steve’s state of the art stove (Stark Industries special of course) to cook on it, figuring he couldn’t destroy the kitchen with cereal. He needed cigarettes anyways. So, he figured he’d walk to the local Bodega to pick some stuff up.

He was comfortable with this place, had gone there a few times by himself for things once and a while. Practicing venturing out in the daylight by himself. The man who ran didn’t seem to know who he was, and if he did, he didn’t seem afraid of him, so it seemed safe. But he took precautions just the same. Putting on the Brooklyn Dodgers cap Steve had gotten him, and his favorite brown jacket. Which along with his notebooks and other meager possessions he’d gotten back from CIA upon his release. 

He was feeling actually pretty good today for once. But he still didn’t want to be noticed, but unfortunately, he was. By a particularly obnoxious looking 20 something.

“Aren’t you that guy?”

Bucky stopped and blinked at him for a moment, feeling irritation that this person was blocking his path to the register. And ruing his mood, because he was just a little too close for his comfort. Too close meaning within 5 feet. “Excuse me?” he asked, his eyes telling the kid to move.

“It is you.” The kid continued in a smug irritating voice that was sending Bucky’s hackles up. “You’re the guy that killed all those people.  The Winter Soldier right?”

Like he needed to be reminded of that shit on today of all days. “Could you move please?” He asked as patiently as he could, not dignifying the question with an answer.

“I can’t believe they actually let you out.” The little asshole continued as Bucky made an effort to walk around him. “No offense I mean but.. You’re not exactly stable if you know what I mean.”

Oh this kid had no idea he thought to himself. He was feeling a tremendous urge to put him through the nearest wall if didn’t get out of his way. It wouldn’t take much to be honest, just a shove really. But he couldn’t. Any outward display of aggression could cause trouble that could get him locked up, and he was sure this little pissant knew that. And he didn’t want to wreck the nice man’s store. But it was damn tempting.

And this kid just seemed to want to get into his space, and that could be dangerous. Especially if he happened to touch him. Bucky was already keyed up, on alert,  and didn’t know what would happen if he did. And didn’t want to find out.

So he attempted to just walk away but this little shit was apparently trying to pick a fight. “The Captain must’ve called in a really big favor to get his boyfriend out of the psych ward.” He told him, causing Bucky to stop in his track. “You must suck some really good dick to get that kind of loyalty.”

He whirled around, suddenly furious for all kinds of reasons. First off all, just the rudeness of saying this out in public. He had been raised with a sense of decorum. And the fact that he’d brought Steve into this. And lastly, the flash memory of his abuse that it brought to the surface. _When you were raped_ his mind whispered to him, and he pushed it back hard, almost in denial of it.  He was still avoiding that subject even in his own head.  The remark had touched all kinds of nerves and he wasn’t sure he was going to able to control himself now. His eyes got darker, icier. Steve would’ve recognized the look.

“You might want to walk away now.” He growled, his basket swinging in one hand. “Right now.”

“What are you gonna do?” The kid asked in that snarky tone. “Seeing as how your boyfriend ain’t hear to protect you.”

Bucky took a menacing step forward. “I don’t need anyone’s protection.” He growled, glaring at him now. “Back off.”

Thankfully at that moment someone stepped in between them, getting in the face of the kid instead of him. It was a good thing too because Bucky didn’t feel too in control of himself at that moment, his adrenaline amped up, his metal fingers fisting with an overpowering urge to strike.

“You better listen to him kid and back the fuck off.” Said the person and Bucky recognized the voice. “If you know what’s good for you.”

It was Sam. He had somehow ended up in the store and had intervened at just the right moment. The kid seemed to startled for a moment by the sight of the Falcon in his face as well but seemed to want to goad Bucky just little for his own amusement.

“Wow you must really be good at it to have this kind of protection.”

Oh he wanted to beat the shit out of this snot but Sam seemed to sense that and put his hand out to him as if to indicate he had this. “I mean it kid, you don’t want this trouble trust me.” Sam said with that same even tone. “Because I guarantee you, you won’t come out of it one piece.” And then added. “And I thinking the cps will believe me over your punk ass.”

The store owner had seen some of this go down and made an indication for the kid to leave by showing him his phone. Indicating police would be called. Between that, and Sam’s stern look he decided to back down. And Bucky felt his nerves start to steady a little.

“You alright?” Same asked him, not getting too close himself just yet.  Which was smart.

“Yeah.” He answered after taking a few breaths. “Thanks.”

He didn’t ask what Sam was doing in a Bodega in Brooklyn, didn’t seem to really matter. He was just grateful someone had his back. Even if he wasn’t sure if Sam was a friend or not, he was at least an ally. Lord knows he needed those.

Turning to the register Bucky put his stuff on the counter and Sam put a bottle of water down, standing next to him. “I got it.” He said to him, taking out his wallet. And Bucky tried to hide his shock at this gesture as the owner handed him his smokes.

  Bucky felt a little annoyed, as if he was getting charity or something. “I got my own damn money.”

“I know you do I’m offering okay?” Sam replied, not too put off by the snappy tone. “You Brooklyn guys are so proud sometimes it’s annoying.”

Bucky was surprised into smiling at that as he stuffed his cigarettes in his pocket and took his bag. “Yeah I guess we are.”

“How we drop this stuff off and I take you out for lunch alright?” Sam suggested. “You know, get your damn ass out of the house for a bit. “ He smiled warmly. “It’ll be good for you, trust me.”

Bucky couldn’t help but be surprised by the genuineness of the offer. He was even more surprised by his own response. “Sure.” He answered before he could think. “That sounds good.”

“Good.” Sam replied as they walked out. “I know a place that makes a mean sandwich.” And then stopped on the street. “As long you promised not wreck my car this time.”

He was taken aback for a moment and then remembered that he had wrecked the shit out of Sam’s car. Ripping the steering wheel out to be precise. It was a choppy memory, maybe partly because it belonged to the Winter Soldier, but it was there. He looked at Sam and realized that he wasn’t being serious at all, was actually making some light of it and that put him at ease a bit.

“Oh Yeah..” He answered, allowing himself to chuckle. “Sorry about that.”

Sam actually laughed. “Don’t worry, I didn’t take it personally.” He told him. “At least I don’t anymore. “ He then motioned with his arm. “Come on Terminator lets go.”

Bucky surprised into laughing at the nickname and headed off with him, thinking he might have a new friend now.

\--

Steve was checking some last minute data and his weapons when Tony decided to engage in a conversation on the Quinjet. He was trying to not worry about leaving Bucky by himself for the first time since he’d been home. Telling himself that Sam was around if he needed anything, and that Bucky would be just fine. That this was good for both of them, but it wasn’t really easing his worry.

“He’ll be fine you know?” Tony said as he sat down in front him. “If anyone can take care of himself it’d be Barnes.” He adjusted the trigger mechanism on his wrist. “God help anyone who tries to mug him.”

Steve gave a half smile, knowing that was true. “That’s not what I’m worried about Tony.”

Tony stopped what he was doing and sort of leaned forward, studying Steve carefully for a moment before speaking. “Alright then.” He said finally.  “What the hell happened that could make you afraid to leave him alone?”

He was debating on what to tell him, knowing he had to give him an answer or he’d keep asking. Tony was an information junkie and needed answers to his questions. He was relentless like that. So he had to give him something.

“He had an incident and.. he didn’t take it well.” He told him, adjusting his gloves for the 10th time. “He tried to hurt himself.”

Steve that wasn’t the correct term, remembering Bucky’s confession only a few days earlier. _I wanted to die._. But it wasn’t exactly something he wanted to say out loud to Tony. He was pretty sure he got the meaning anyways by the look in his eyes when Steve said it. He was a long way from stupid.

“I can understand why you’re worried Cap.“ Tony said without his usual sarcastic tone. “I’d be too if I was you.” He folded his hands between his legs and leaned a little closer as if to keep the conversation a little more private. “You’re afraid he might do it again aren’t you?”

“I don’t know.” Steve answered honestly. “He’s getting help, and I know I gotta trust him but.”

“You can’t.” Tony answered. “I get it.”

“I do.” He added. “It’s just.. complicated.”

“It’s mental illness Steve.” Tony said, using his first name for the first time in forever. “Of course it’s complicated.”

It was blunt but to the point really. He was. Not that that was his fault or anything. Hydra had screwed up his mind to such a high degree and it was tough on him to see him struggle with it. The memory loss, the trauma and readjustment. He felt that familiar worry in him that there was a part of him that was angry with him for it all. That he was feeling resentment that Bucky had complicated things so much lately. Especially when it wasn’t his fault really. And he knew people could see this conflict in his eyes.

“I love him Tony.” He said quietly. “But sometimes it’s just… hard you know?”

“Yeah I get that.” He replied. “I hear that from Pepper a lot, cause lord knows I’m a handful myself.”

Steve actually smiled, thinking Pepper Potts was the most patient woman in the world to put up with him the way she did. Maybe it was because she loved him that she did. And Steve knew that that was why he fought so hard for Bucky. Because it was the same for him too.

And he was thinking that maybe a little time apart might be good for both of them right now. A little time to catch their breaths a bit.

“Thanks Tony.” He told him, meaning it sincerely.

“Not a problem.” Tony replied and got up. “But don’t tell anyone about this okay.. I need to protect my reputation you know?”

Steve smiled. “Wouldn’t dream of it.”

He saw him go and confer with some of the others and took a breath before pulling out his phone. He took a moment to look at the pictures he’d taken this morning. Smiling at how peaceful Bucky had looked sleeping in that moment. And knew this was what he was fighting so hard for. That sense of home that the image brought to him.

It was worth all the pain of it he knew.

He put his phone and joined the others, getting ready to go back to work.

\--

Sam wasn’t kidding about the food at this place. Bucky was eating a grilled cheese and ham sandwich that was heavenly. He was inhaling it actually, topping it off with a soda. He got a few looks from people while there but ignored them as best he could, fighting the uneasiness their looks gave him,  just concentrated on the delicious food.

“So what did that guy say that pissed you off that much?” Sam asked finally, putting his drink down.

Bucky looked at him over his sandwich for a moment before answering. Not sure if he wanted to repeat the vulgar comment. There was still a part of him couldn’t believe people said shit like that in public now. He been taught to not talk like that in polite company and a part of him still adhered to that despite everything he’d seen and been through.

“He said something about Steve is all.” He answered finally. “I could give a crap what he said about me but that, no. “

“You sure that was it?” Sam asked pointedly. “Cause that look was pretty intense.”

Bucky stared back at the other man for a moment, knowing what he was talking about. Sam had gotten a good look at him as the Winter Soldier and had most likely recognized that look. He turned his mind to his thought processes again, the memory of the incident tainted by a little red. He’d been angry. Really angry. Pissed to be precise. Because that asshole had conjured up a memory he hadn’t wanted to deal with. And related it to Steve in way that gave it a particular connotation.  It wasn’t like the guy knew about it, nobody knew about that but Steve and even he barely knew any details. But it was funny how people found that sore spot by accident sometimes and just hammer on it.

And there was fact that, well, he hadn’t really engaged in that with Steve in a few weeks. Since he’d remembered and all and it was another nerve hit as well.

But it wasn’t like he was going to say that to Sam. So he tried to shrug it off a little.

“He was just a shithead.” Bucky finally said. “He irritated me.”

“That kid should thank me.” Sam replied. “Cause I’ve seen what you’re capable of.”

Bucky’s face pinched a bit in mild anger. “I don’t do that anymore.” He said with a defensive edge inhis voice.

“I know.” He replied. “But you could. And I now you’re scared of that.” He kept that pointed look at him. “And you think if you do, they’ll put you away again, but yet you almost did it anyways.”

Bucky looked away as if caught. “Yeah what of it?”

“You grew up a Dodgers fan, right?” Sam asked him suddenly, motioning to the cap Bucky was wearing.

Bucky was startled by the sudden change in conversation. He had almost forgotten he was wearing the hat. “Yeah why?” He asked, suddenly at a loss.

“Well I don’t know if you knew this but in 1947, they brought up a guy name Jackie Robinson.” Sam explained to him. “He was the first African American player to play in the Major Leagues. And he was told by the owner Branch Rickey, that he was gonna take a lot of shit, gonna hear some awful things. Hell he would probably get threatened. His life could be in danger. You know how it was then.”

Having grown up in that era could definitely understand this, knowing how well that would’ve gone over with some people in his neighborhood, but still wasn’t getting Sam’s point here in bringing it up to him. All it was reminding of was what he’d missed in history while he was out murdering people. He nodded at him, waiting for him to get to the point.

“Well Rickey told him he couldn’t respond to it. Not at all. No matter what they said or threw at him he had to refrain. To let his play do the talking. To be the bigger man. “ Sam explained further.  “Because if he reacted, he’d prove their assumptions of him right. The best way to win them over was to not respond. So he took all the horrible abuse and eventually won everyone’s respect.  You get me?”

He stared at him as talked. This Robinson guy sounded like one brave fucker. Bucky didn’t know much about him yet, but he liked him. Would’ve loved to have seen him play at Ebbet’s Field, remembering taking Steve to a few games at one point. How excited Steve had been about sitting in the bleachers. Hoping like hell to catch just one ball. That place was gone now though and so were Dodgers.  He lamented that loss a bit in his head. Another one to add to the list.

But still not sure how it related to him. “I don’t know.” He answered honestly.

“People think you’re crazy. Dangerous.  Unstable right? And maybe you are.” Sam explained. “You react to an asshole like that, you’ll prove them right. And there a lot of assholes out there like that.” Sam lifted his drink and took a swig. “You’re gonna hear a lot of shit, and you gotta be like Jackie, you gotta let it go no matter how awful it is. And sooner or later people will accept you again. See you for what you really are.”

“And what’s that.”

Sam looked at him pointedly. “A survivor.”  

“Is that what you call it?” Bucky answered, picking at his fries. “This crap I’m knee deep in right now.” He chuckled a little. “Because honestly kind of sucks.”

“You’re also an ornery bastard.” Sam replied, shaking his head. “And you don’t trust people easily.” And then added. “Not that I blame you really.”

Boy was that on e the mark. Bucky had to admit he liked his honesty. He wasn’t tip-toeing around things at least. “Yeah.” He agreed. “I suppose.”

 “It’ll get better Barnes trust me.” Sam told him, a warm smile on his face. “I’d put money on you beating this shit. You’re stronger than you think you are.”

Bucky gave a tentative smile, unconsciously wrapping his hand around his tags. As if for some strength himself. “I’d keep the receipt. “He told him. “Just in case you’re wrong.”

“How you come with me to the VA today?” Sam asked him as they got the check from the waitress. “It’s not far from here.”

Once again Bucky was surprised by how quickly Sam could switch gears. “I don’t have appointment today.”

“You don’t need one.” He informed him. “I got a group session to run. You can sit in on it.”  He must’ve seen the apprehensive look that appeared on Bucky’s face at the idea of that. “Don’t worry you don’t have to talk. You can just sit in the back and brood like you always do.”

Bucky squinted at that. “Brood?”

“Yeah.” Sam replied, actually chuckling a little. “You got that mysterious, tortured soul thing down pretty good.”

Bucky looked at him shock for a moment and then actually chuckled. And once again he surprised himself into agreeing to something. “Okay.” He said as they got up. “I got nothing else to do I suppose.”

\--

The meeting had been informative and enlightening. And it had opened up all kinds of emotions in his hadn’t expected. Listening to people talk about their trauma’s and struggles, surprising finding himself relating to many of their stories as he sat in the back, with his arms folded listening to it.

One guy in particular struck him pretty hard, something in his story smacking close to home for him.

_“When I came back, after several years I had found that everyone had moved on but me. “ The guy had said, seeming to struggle occasionally with his words. “My girlfriend had gotten married and my mom.. shed died. And I wasn’t there. I had spent all that time trying to survive, to do what I was told. I followed orders and lost everything..”_

Bucky sat there hearing this and felt that pain clearly. Deeply. He had learned by using search engines and the like, when his parents had died. That his siblings were all gone as well. Everyone he’d known was gone. Except for Steve that was.

Hell even Ebbet’s Field and the Dodgers were long gone. The neighborhood looked different. Everything had changed. The future had marched on without him and here he was, feeling the ache of it all. And starting to feel something else as well.

It had shown up in the Bodega this morning and it was seeping in now. Anger. It was a new thing. A scary thing. The way it was starting to leak out of him now.  He didn’t realize that maybe it was good thing he was starting to feel it now. That maybe he was finally allowing himself too.

That they had taken so much and left him with all this hell to deal and he was finally starting to get pissed about it.

The kid at the bodega had trigger it in him just by making the crass remark about cock-sucking, touching that nerve in him that brought those horrific memories back to him again. The ones that had prevented him from doing that with his own damn partner anymore.  Because every time he even thought about doing it, he remembered that and felt sick. Felt dirty, used and shameful. He hated that feeling but he couldn’t help it.

It had also reminded him that people only saw him as the Winter Soldier now. They had forgotten about the fact that he had served. That he had, in a way, given his life, so that snot-nosed little shits like him could walk around in safety and freedom. They had forgotten that he had been something before that. And it hurt like hell.

And Bucky had seen people today in the VA with that same kind of feeling, the pain and resentment of being forgotten about once they came home. Sam had told him some of those people had ended up on the streets like he had when he first broke free. Or in mental facilities like had as well. Some had drug and alcohol issues.

Some of them even took their own lives, just like he had attempted to once or twice.

Knowing this, seeing that he wasn’t the only one suffering like this, had made him feel less alone in that respect. But even more angry now thinking about that little shit. And all the others like him.

Kids like that, hell people like that, didn’t get it. They didn’t understand real suffering. They had no context in which to understand it. They just saw the result of it and judged you for it. Blamed you for it.

Hydra had taken him hostage, had hurt him, abused him. Made him into that monster that he was still afraid of. The one that he was afraid they would always see him as. And never see that he never wanted to be that at all.

As he was sitting in the bed that night, with the light on, because he just couldn’t goddamn sleep, he was thinking it was a relief to finally feel angry about this. About what had been taken so brutally from him. His entire life. The one he should’ve lived at least.

He had missed his parent’s funerals. His sibling’s. And still couldn’t bring himself to go see them yet.

There were hot, angry tears in his eyes, blurring his vision and he was unable to write in his journal because his thoughts were a jumbled mess of anger, pain and guilt.

Sam had called him a survivor. But right he just felt tired.

It was 3 am and he hadn’t slept a wink. The house was too quiet, too dark. Maybe even a little too big, just like the bed was without Steve there with him. He was fighting the panic along with all the other emotions. Feeling like he had in Romainia, thinking irrationally that people were coming for him when he knew damn well they weren’t this time. It was a sense of paranoia that came from being alone.

There were too many damn shadows around him. Making him want to turn on all the damn lights.

He looked at his phone, the one that Steve had gotten for him, thinking he needed to call him. Trying to fight through it all and fight the urge to do it. To get through it on his own, but he was failing miserably at this. He didn’t feel strong at all. Felt like a kid afraid of the dark.

Just needing to talk to him. Needing to at least hear his voice.

Finally, he grabbed the phone and found Steve’s name and hit ‘Call’.

\--

It was morning and Steve was a bit exhausted. They were essentially staking out now, the sleeper cell in the building across the way. Nat had taken a watch and told Steve to get his ass some rest but he couldn’t sleep.

And when the phone buzzed in his pocket, he knew it wasn’t going to happen. He saw the contact name and immediately answered it. “Hey Buck.” He said softly. “You okay?”

It was about 3 am at home so he knew he wasn’t sleeping and that was understandable. “Not really.” Bucky answered on the other end. “It’s too quiet here and I can’t sleep.”

His voice sounded quiet almost as if he was afraid someone would hear him or something. He could picture him sitting on the bed with the light on, his notebook in front of him, wearing pajamas, his dog tags and those ridiculously cute bunny slippers. See his eyes, bleary from lack of sleep.  And suddenly wished he wasn’t a continent away right now.

“You do need to sleep Buck.” Steve told him gently, sitting up. “I know it’s hard but you got to.”

“I know I just can’t.” He replied, and Steve could hear him shuffle a little. “Its all a mess in my head right now.”

“You want to talk about it” He asked him, keeping his own voice low. “Cause I’m here.”

“But you’re not.” He responded. “You’re far away.”

“Not as far away as you think.” He told him reassuringly. “Just talk to me okay?”

There was a pause as if Bucky was thinking about what he wanted to say to him. Finding the words. They were still working on the communication, and some days were easier than others. But Bucky still had a hard voicing his feelings out loud. Steve knew that was what the notebooks were for. To help him learn how to do that.

“Steve do you think my parents would be disappointed in me?” He asked him, some pain in his voice. “Because of what I did?”

The question broke his heart to hear. He closed his eyes for a moment. “No Buck.” He told him, his voice soft. “They would’ve understood. They would’ve loved you no matter what.”

“I wasn’t there when they died. Or for my brother and sisters eithers.” He told him, and Steve could hear the pain in his voice. “They all died when I was out killing people or stuffed in a tube.  They’re all gone.”

Steve had known this, had checked on Bucky’s family after h e himself had come out and was dismayed to find most, if not all of them were gone. At least the ones that remembered him. Becca, who Steve had remembered as being a beautiful girl with the same eyes as Bucky, had hung on until about a year before Bucky himself had gotten out before passing away at the age of 94. He had wanted to keep the information from him, hadn’t wanted him to punish himself with this information after everything else but knew he couldn’t. And it would be just one more blow to add to the many he’d suffered.

As much as Steve missed his parents at least he could comfort himself in knowing he was there. Bucky did not have that comfort. Those bastards had taken that from him too.

“I know Buck.” He said in that same soft tone, doing his best to comfort him through the phone. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s all gone.” Bucky said and Steve could hear the tiredness in his voice. How weary he was. Hell he felt weary himself these days. “We’re all that’s left of it.”

Their families, old friends. Places they’d been and frequented when they were younger. The world had moved on without them and now they both here, just trying to adjust to it. They may not look their ages but they both seem to feel it in their bones sometimes. The passage of time.  Steve consoled himself with the fact that at least maybe he did some good. But he knew Bucky had a harder time reconciling himself with it. Finding something good in the wake of it.

“It’s not all gone Buck.” He said softly, wishing he was right next to him right now. “Not as long we’re here to remember it. To remember them.”

Bucky fell silent for a moment as if contemplating this. He knew he was still there because he could hear him moving around, hear his breathing. Steve wished he could see him. See what his face looked like. If there were tears in his eyes. He thought there might be. One thing about Bucky was that he was mostly quiet when he cried. Somehow that made it worse to Steve. That the pain was so great he barely made a a noise sometimes.

When he’d finally gathered himself again the tone was different.

“So umm..” He heard him say as it seemed like he was regathering himself. “Which suit are you wearing?”

Steve actually smiled at the question. “Guess?” He asked him teasingly, wanting to cheer him up.

“I hope it’s that dark blue one.” Bucky said and Steve swore he could hear the smile in his voice. “I mean I like both your suits, but that one…”

He seemed to suck in a breath and Steve chuckled. “I’ll have to wear it home sometime then. “ He told him teasingly. “For a special occasion.”

“Don’t tease me like that punk.” Bucky replied, sass in his voice. “Cause I’m gonna hold to that.”

The fact that he was, in fact, wearing that suit right now was the best part. Thinking he definitely had to bring it home sometime. Thinking that it could be a very fun day for them both. And suddenly he wanted to know exactly what Bucky was wearing at the moment too.

“What about you?” He asked, using his best sexy voice. “What are you wearing doll?”

Bucky seemed to tap the phone lightly as if teasing him before answering. “Nothing special.” He answered, his voice sounding a bit saucy. “Just one of your t-shirts, a pair of sweatpants and my tags.” He paused and then added. “And of course, the slippers.”

Steve laughed, he knew it. Could so clearly picture him wiggling his feet, causing the ears to flop. And now he really wanted to be home. To strip him of everything but the slippers again. To ravish him until he begged for more. He realized h e had to turn his thoughts away from that before things started happening, but he couldn’t resist throwing a little more fuel to the fire just the same.

“You better be wearing them when I get home.”

Bucky seemed up for the challenge. “Well Captain I’ll make you a deal.” He said, his tone even saucier than before. “You wear the suit and I’ll wear the slippers.” Steve could hear the smirk on his face. “And we’ll have ourselves a party.” And then put the cherry on top. “One that will wake the neighbors.”

Steve suddenly had a vision of doing all kinds of ungodly things to Bucky while wearing his suit. Of feeling those slipper clad feet wrapping around his back as he writhed, his metal fingers scraping over the suit material. Of his voice begging for more. And felt himself getting hard at the thought. Having to will himself down.

“God you’re such a jerk.” He whispered to him over the phone. “Just wait til I get home. “

He could hear the satisfaction in Bucky’s voice as he answered. “Looking forward to it punk.”

Steve smiled, lamenting the fact that he had to get off the phone, but it was going to be his turn to take watch again soon and he had to get a little sleep. But damn he’d be thinking about that scenario for quite a while as well as worrying about him a little. But he felt a little better now.

“I gotta go.” He said softly. “I gotta take watch soon.”

“Yeah I suppose I should at least try to sleep huh?” Bucky answered. “For what it’s worth.”

“You’re gonna be fine Buck.” He told him, still keeping his voice low as he laid back down. “I’ll be back soon.”

“You better be.”  He admonished. “I love you.” Hee could hear the meaning in it. “So be careful punk.”

“I love you too Beautiful.” He said to him as well. “I will..”

Finally hanging up, Steve closed his eyes, putting the phone aside. Trying to get a little sleep at least. He did feel better knowing that, at least right now, Bucky was okay. Even if he wasn’t sleeping. A little sad maybe, he was still hanging in there.

And he finally fell asleep, even if it was only for a few hours.

\--

 Bucky tried to sleep, tucking himself under the covers, actually burying himself in them. And he did doze for a while, but he kept having those half-asleep dreams, which were worse because you couldn’t tell if you were awake or not. Once in which he swore he heard footsteps. Saw a shadow moving. Was sure some monster from his past was creeping up on him.

Maybe the monster was himself though. He wasn’t sure of that either.

In one of these waking, not quite dreams, not quite real things he could swear he saw the Winter Soldier himself, staring at him from the foot of the bed. A knife in his metal hand, blood splattered on him, his eyes boring into Bucky He closed his eyes, wanting the vision to be gone.

But he wasn’t. He was holding the gun out to him this time, that icy look in his eyes and Bucky could not move. Couldn’t even scream really. It seemed so real, but it couldn’t be. And he didn’t know what that meant.

“What do you want?” Bucky asked, his voice barely audible.

The Soldier just stared at him, his own face reflected in his. Like a mirror. The blood was still over him, his hair in his face. Bucky felt himself shaking violently, feeling scared and confused at the same time. Because he was him and yet he wasn’t at the same time.

And it terrified him.

Closing his eyes again, he wrapped his hands around his tags, grounding himself in reality. Feeling the cool metal against the palm of his flesh hand. “It’s just a dream.” He said to himself like a chant. “It’s not real.”

When he opened his eyes again there was nothing there but the dimly lit room. He reached up and turned the light on again, just wanting it on. Needing to be able to see all the corners, all the angles. He sat up in the bed, his knees bent, hand clutching the tags, trying to get his heart rate and breathing under control.

He’d never known how used to he’d gotten to having Steve there with him at night. Until now.

Feeling weak and stupid because he couldn’t sleep by himself anymore. That he needed a goddamn light on. Like a damn child.

Then he heard Steve’s voice, warm and comforting.. _you can do this Buck_ it said. _Just one night.._

He laid back down, curling his legs close to him, swallowed by the blanket. He didn’t sleep, couldn’t anymore. But he could do this. He could do all of it if he really tried. Trying to find the courage that people were saying he had.

The sun came up and he was still awake. He stayed under the covers for a bit longer though, his eyes bleary from lack of real sleep. Finally, he just gave up and got up, going to the kitchen to get something to eat and then sitting down heavily on the couch.

He smiled to himself thinking of some of the fun they’d had on this very big, very comfy couch. Getting lost in a memory of being fucked deliciously right on it. Feeling the ghost of the pleasure run through his body, relaxing him again. He didn’t feel himself slide down a little onto his side.  Didn’t notice his eyes hd shut.

Thinking about Steve touching him, kissing him. Pushing deep into him, setting his body a light. Making him feel loved and safe. His head settled onto the cushion comfortingly, and he thought he could smell him on it. The smell of home.

Didn’t feel himself finally fall asleep to that memory. Didn’t hear the soft moan escape from his lips as if he could feel it all over again. And soon he was sound asleep on the couch, a little smile on his face. Feeling a pleasant dream take over for once, his body shifting as shivers of pleasure went through it.

It was his safe place and for once he was dreaming about that and not the other place. Not the dark place. He turned on his side, smiling in his sleep, oblivious to the sounds of the world waking up around him.

And for the first time in a long time, slept for several hours, his arm wrapped around that pillow, his slipper clad feet pulled up a little like over-tried child finally taking his nap.

\--

Steve was finally on his way home, the mission was done, a success and the cell rounded up. The fact that it was a rogue Hydra cell gave him some satisfaction, especially when he’d gotten a chance to slam at least one of them to the ground when he attacked him. Steve didn’t need a reason but the guy gave him one and he took advantage of it.

Now he was on his way back, finally landing at the private air-pad and eager to get home. Tony didn’t’ delay him any and Steve was grateful for that.

When he finally pulled up at the house, he felt some apprehension, wondering if Bucky was actually okay. Getting to the door was even worse, dread filling him that he wouldn’t be there. Or worse he was hurt.

Opening the door, he didn’t hear anything and felt the worry increase. But then he walked into the living room and felt immense relief.

There was Bucky, sound asleep on the couch, his hair tossled, his lips parted, hand curled up next to his face. The other one wrapped around the pillow. Looking peaceful and very much okay. And those silly slippers were on his feet as well. He almost looked like a tired child.

Walking over he knelt down next to him and brushed some hair from his face, feeling him mutter and stir slightly.  Steve smiled again and pulled the blanket over him, not wanting to wake him just yet. Seeing that he was having a peaceful sleep for once.

Leaning over his pressed his lips for his forehead and kissed him softly. “Hey sleepyhead.” He whispered against his forehead. “I’m home.”

He saw Bucky stir and open his eyes sleepily. “Steve?” He asked, as if not sure if what he was seeing was real or not.

“Yup.” He told him, smiling, still brushing his. “I’m here Buck.”

He saw a bright, beautiful smile light up Bucky’s face and he sat up, throwing his arms around him, not seeming to care about any kind of decorum. He buried his face in Steve’s shoulder and let out a big breath as he did. As if relieved.

“I did it.” He murmured into his shoulder. “I made it.”

“I know you could.” Steve told him, rubbing his back. “Knew you’d be okay.”

Not admitting that he had been worried in any way, just relieved that it had all worked out. So he just held him tight for a couple of minutes, letting the worry and anxiety finally wash off both of them.

Bucky pulled back and looked at him for a moment, as if studying him. Maybe checking him for injuries he supposed. He had a few minor ones, some bruises. But nothing bad. He was just sore and tired. And Bucky could see that.

“You look like shit.” He told him with a grin on his face.

“Yeah I missed you too jerk.” Steve replied, brushing Bucky’s sleep messed hair back. “How’d things go?”

“Okay I guess.” Bucky answered, inspecting a bruise on Steve’s arm. “Hung out with Sam actually.” He looked up and smiled. “He’s actually kind of tolerable.”

Steve felt some sense of pride at this. That Bucky seemed to be making a friend. He had asked Sam to check on him and hadn’t expected it to go anywhere near as well. Bucky had issues with most people and there were few he’d let into his little bubble these days. But Sam seemed to be someone may have figured out how to connect to him in a new way and Steve was glad for that.

“Good.” He told him, smiling at the motherly way Bucky kept expecting his injuries. “Are you feeling any better?” Thinking of the way he’d sounded on the phone last night. “About things I mean?”

Bucky chuckled a little. “That was just my usual crazy, melancholy shit Steve.” He told him, his tone sort of brushing it off for now. “I’d rather focus on you right now to be honest.”  He smiled, looping his arms around his neck. “You know.. the good stuff for once.”

“Yeah.” Steve agreed, just happy to see him happy. “The good stuff.”

“Speaking of good stuff..” Bucky asked, his eyes taking on a devilish glint. “You didn’t happen to bring that suit home did you?”

He had actually, but was going to tease him with it first. “Maybe.”

“Maybe?” Bucky replied, sitting back and crossing his arms. “Is that how it is?”

“Sure is.” Steve replied with equal sass. “You’re just gonna have to wait for that baby boy.”

Bucky feigned a pout. “You’re such a fucking tease Rogers.” He told him, with a glint of mischief in his eyes to go with said pout. “Don’t know why I put up your shit sometimes.”

God he looked so damn adorable with his arms crossed, those lips of his pressed together. That look in his eyes. He was just asking for it now. So he wrapped his hand around the back of Bucky’s head and kissed him then, his fingers digging into his hair. Bucky leaned into him and responded, almost climbing onto his lap. Bucky’s hands fisted his shirt as their tongues slid deliciously together. Feeling like it had forever since he’d kissed him.

“I missed you punk.” Bucky whispered against his lips, his own curling into a smile as he shifted on his lap. “That was a long damn night.”

“Tell me about it.” Steve agreed, letting his other hand slide over Bucky’s back. “I’m definitely feeling it.”

Bucky nuzzled his neck with his lips, nipping playfully. “Sounds like you need some taking care of Captain.” He breathed against his skin. “Maybe a bath or something?”

That actually sounded great to be honest. A good soaking for his aching muscles. But he had one requirement. “Only if you’re taking it with me.” He said right into Bucky’s ear. “Otherwise what’s the point?”

Bucky sat back a little and smirked at him. “Well of course dear.” He answered, getting up. “I thought that was implied.”

Standing up himself he pulled Bucky to him and kissed him again, once again lifting him effortlessly into his arms. Bucky looped his arms around his neck, locking his slipper clad feet around him. He felt Bucky chuckled into the kiss as Steve squeezed his ass, loving the feel of the soft sweatpants and the fact that there nothing under them but skin.

“Fuck..” He growled against his lips, still kissing him as he started walking. “I missed you doll.”

Bucky grinned, biting Steve’s lower lip teasingly. “Welcome home Captain.”

Soon they were there, in the tub enjoying each other yet again. Letting their hands and lips cure whatever wounds they’d incurred over the last 36 hours. And Steve thought it was damn good to be home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Figured I'd do a little fluff and smut to bookend the slightly angsty middle, hope ya'll enjoyed. Bucky certainly his morning that's for sure. 
> 
> Bucky's visions of the WS as a separate entity and his reaction to it versus is interesting isn't it? 
> 
> The little shit at the Bodega yes. He's simply a catalyst for some interesting thought processes for Bucky as you can. Also to sort of kick off the new friendship between him and Sam, because I really love the idea of them being friends. And the VA being source of comfort and comaraderie for Bucky is important too. I feel very strongly about taking care of our veterans, who unfortunately can get forgotten about and mistreated and misunderstood as they struggle to re-adjust to life. And that kid was not unlike the ones that called Vietnam vets 'baby-killers' when they came home needing support and got that instead. 
> 
> Ah yes the stealthy suit. Bucky likes if very much and trust me sometime in the next couple of chapters it will be utilized for fun-time purposes. But like Bucky you will have to wait on it. 
> 
> Sam's Jackie Robinson is actually true, he had to take a lot of abuse in silence before he was accepted. It was in there to give Bucky some food for thought. It also reminded of him some things he's lost as well. I thought it was interesting considering Bucky and Steve grew up in Brooklyn, which was where Robinson played. They just missed it by a couple of years. 
> 
> Next chapter will address one of the issues Bucky is clearly not dealing with so, per usual, angst ensues. 
> 
> As usual thank you for the comments and feedback :)


	12. The Fever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter didn't turn out to be exactly what I thought it was going to be, that issue dealing will be in the next one. It's funny how things turn out huh? But I do like the way it came out.

The fever made his dreams more intense, more vivid, blurring the line between it and reality. Like he needed that.

He had actually had a good couple weeks after Steve’s first successful excursion away from him. There had even been another mission in between then and now and while it was never easy being by himself, he managed a little better that time. Although he still slept on the couch because the bed was too big without him.

But he’d made it through it again. And the only thing he’d worried about was if Steve used a parachute or not. That was enough.

During those weeks he’d spent more time with Sam at the VA, and they’d started to establish a good repour with each other. Finding that he actually liked the guy more than he thought he would. And that diner was starting to become a regular thing with them. Sam wasn’t put off by Bucky’s ornery nature and gave it right back to him and it was quite refreshing. They talked baseball and pop culture and Sam helped him get caught up on some things he’d missed out on.

Explained to him how to use his phone better than Steve could’ve. Especially texting.

Sam helped in other ways too, helped him become a little more social at the VA. Introducing him to other vets and pretty soon he was sharing Army stories with some of them. Although they were always surprised whenever he would tell them what war he was in. It was sometimes fun to see the looks he got had to admit. He was an oddity to the ones who didn’t already know who he was.  And although he didn’t care for being touched by anyone other than Steve, or people getting too close to him, it was still progress to be this interactive.

One step at time they all said.

He’d even taken to taking some walks around the neighborhood by himself, re-aclimating himself to it. Just exploring in general. The weather was much cooler, being late November now, not that he minded the cold mind you, he was used it and all. But somewhere he’d picked something up and now he was suffering.

Congestion, fever, chills, the works. By the third day of it, Steve was getting concerned because the fever was increasing by degrees daily. Which was starting to make him a bit delusional he realized.  Steve had tried to take his temperature and Bucky had reacted badly to the thermometer, irrationally thinking he was it was going to hurt him with it for some reason, actually taking at swing at him. Thankfully Steve had good reflexes. But it hadn’t made Bucky feel any better about it when he came to his senses. Apologizing profusely about it until Steve hugged him trying to reassure him it was okay.

“I don’t know why I… did that..” He’d babbled in a delirious panic against his shoulder. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright Buck.” He’d tell him, stroking his hair. “It’s okay.”

It was climbing though, that day bordering on 103, it was starting to hurt to breathe, and he couldn’t sleep.  His head hurt, everything hut. When Steve had suggested maybe he needed to go to the hospital Bucky had balked big-time. His heart-rate going up and hyper-alertness rising with the paranoia the fever had brought. He couldn’t go to a hospital, he couldn’t. The very idea of it was panic inducing.

“N-no hospital.” He protested, actually backing up on the bed. “No..”

“Bucky you’re sick.” Steve tried. “We might have to-“

“NO!” He practically yelled, feverishly shaking his head violently. “I can’t go there!”

He would be helpless there they could do anything they wanted to him. They could hurt him, and he wouldn’t be able to stop it because they’d tie him down.  It was irrational, brought on by the fever and his phobia, but he still felt it Despite Steve’s reassurances that he wouldn’t let that happen.

But he was getting worse. No doubt about that.

Two days ago he stopped be able to eat. Had no appetite and felt weak and listless. Could barely get out of bed.

The day before Bucky was starting to see things, hearing things that couldn’t be there. And by today he couldn’t even keep liquids down, so he couldn’t even take any fever reducers. Wouldn’t take them at all, irrationally believing they were causing this. That they were trying to drive him crazy again.

He was so damn cold, could not get warm even with 3 blankets and Steve wrapped around him. His teeth clattered, and his breathing was painful and ragged. His chest hurt like it was being compressed every time he took a breath.

And the nightmares were just horrendous. As if they could get worse.

Although in this state he wasn’t sure if he was dreaming or not and that made it way worse. He was drifting in and out of consciousness  so quickly that reality and delusion blended together.

_He could hear footsteps in the hallway. Bootheels clacking on concrete._

_He was in The Room._

_The one he’d kept dreaming about that night at the lake. Since the memory had surfaced. It would not leave him alone. Trying to curl up against the wall away from the approaching danger. Feeling cold, so cold, down to his bones. Knowing when the door open they would in and it would start again. He backed up against the wall as the door opened, wanting to absorb himself into it. Trying to remember his name. His rand. His serial number. But the last wipe had made it too choppy to remember clearly. He was losing the memory of it fast._

_“Soldier?” The voice said, gruff and uncaring. One he heard his nightmares. Along with Zola as well. Forming the second head of a multi-headed monster that constantly stalked in the shadow. “It’s time.”_

_He whimpered not moving from where he was, shaking his and as a result was smacked hard, stars showing in front of his eyes. Blinking in and out like firewords. Like those one when… he was with the boy.. whose name he couldn’t quiet remember._

_That’s when it started._

_And it would end with him on his knees.. he knew it would. It always did._

_Suddenly he felt arms around him, pulling him close and he resisted it. There was a hand in his hair, and he didn’t want to. “Nooo..”He whimpered. “Please…”  Terrified now. “Don’t make me.”_

_But the voice he heard was not the same one. This one was softer, more gentle, loving. “Bucky?” He heard it say, the name familiar, from what seemed like a long time ago. Far away. “It’s okay I’m here..”_

A little bit of lucidity came to him and suddenly he knew it was Steve, that his arms were around him. He was going to protect him from them. He was still partly in that room, but Steve was there was there at least. He curled into him, into his warmth, trying to just get away from it.

“Steve?” He stammered, clutching at his arms. “I don’t want to.. do that…” He tried to lock onto him, but he kept going out of focus. “only with you..”

“Sssh.” He heard Steve say and that room started to fade away and finally feel his body fully. Feeling the bed under him and not the cold floor. But he was still cold.  Freezing. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.” The hand stroking his hair rather than pulling it. “You’re safe now.”

He shook violently, curling his body more against Steve’s, cocooning himself between Steve and the warm blankets, trying to get the chill out of his bones and the memory out of his head. But neither one of them wanted to leave alone.

Bucky felt so sick, and in so much pain. His whole body ached, and he was really having a hard time breathing now. The delusions were causing his anxiety to rise which caused his labored lungs to hurt even more, increasing the pressure in chest.

_He was back on the table in that place. The memories melting into each other like a never-ending nightmare. Their fingers, inside his body, tools digging into nerves and muscle that extended into his chest and he screamed into the gag, feeling all of it. Feeling the restraints holding him down as he struggled against them. Seeing that scientist, like a monster from a children’s story, another head of the multi-headed dragon, leaning into his field of vision._

_“Leave.. me alone..” He whimpered, struggling. “Please..”_

_He screamed and reached out, trying to fight them off.  Fighting against the merciless restraints pressing against his chest painfully, making it difficult to find air. To breath even as he tried to scream again._

 And thenl he heard Steve again, sounding diffuse and far away but _there_ , soothing him softly.  “It’s okay Bucky..” He heard him, sounding closer now. “You’re safe. It’s okay.”

He whimpered again, reaching for that voice, for Steve again and found him, his arm reaching though the blackness of his delirium, and grabbing hold again, pulling himself into him and burying his burning face into his shoulder. Holding on like a life-raft in the middle of a stormy sea.

\--

“Steve..” He heard Bucky whimper, his voice confused and scared. “Steve…”

He felt him curl into him after struggling to get free, his eyes alternating between lucidity and feverish delirium, sometimes with mere seconds in between. He held him when he struggled violently, screaming in pain. And when he calmed and just whimpered, his terrified eyes almost looking through him. Never breaking physical contact no matter how Bucky reacted to it.

It was like his nightmares but worse, because he wasn’t sleeping.

“Ssssh” He’d whisper in his ear, trying to soothe him. “I’m here.”

Steve was getting worried, Bucky was clearly not getting better. His skin felt so hot to the touch, like he was baking from the inside. He was pale as well, paler than normal. He hadn’t eaten much in the last 2 days and seemed to have rapidly lost some weight as well. And there was that whistling sound when he breathed, indicating air-flow was constricted.

He put his hand on his burning forehead, knowing he needed a doctor, but the sheer panic that Bucky had shown at the idea of going to hospital was clear in his mind. And if he brought him and he panicked there, which was extremely likely with the high fever heightening his PTSD anxiety to the max level. He could become violently unstable and they would have to put him in restraints. And that would be bad.

Taking the thermometer off the bed-stand as he held him, Bucky clutching him as if he afraid he was going to disappear, he turned it on and rolled it over his forehead to get a reading. It said 104.2 which was very concerning, meaning it had increased to a dangerous level now.

“Steve?” He heard Bucky said in a feverish voice, his eyes open and glassy. “I don’t want to.. please I don’t..”

He looked desperately afraid, and he knew he was only half here now. That he was in that dark place where they were hurting him, and he couldn’t get out of it. The fever was keeping him awake and causing him to be delusional because it was, to be frank, baking his brain right now. He had to do something. If it climbed any further, it could do serious damage to his brain. And there had already been enough damage done there.

He picked up the phone and made a call to Sam, hoping he would know a way to get someone here as to not traumatize Bucky further at this point. His hospital phobia was still undealt with yet, to bring him to one in this state would not help.

Sam answered, sounding groggy from being woken up. “What’s going on?” He asked. “Everything alright?”

“Fever’s getting worse and I can’t bring him to a hospital “ He told him, keeping a tight arm around a shivering Bucky. “He hit a 104 and I know that’s not good.”

“Definitely not.” Sam agreed, knowing full well Bucky’s issues with hospitals. “I can get someone for you just hand on okay?”

He put him on hold for a moment while he made the other call and Steve felt Bucky curl closer to him, could feel his intense warmth through his own clothes. God he was burning up. He seemed to babble incoherently. Some words in Russian, some in English. Nothing that made much sense at all. Except occasionally to say his name in occasional moments of lucidity. He held him tighter, hoping he could feel his presence as he drifted in and out of consciousness.

Finally, Sam clicked back on. “I got someone from the VA Medical Center coming to you okay?” Sam told him. “They know the circumstances he has so it won’t be too traumatic. I’ll come along too just in case.”

Steve didn’t have to ask what that ‘just in case’ was’. He might need to be restrained and it was best to have familiar people around. “Thanks Sam.” He told him. “I’ll leave the door unlocked.”

“Alright.” He replied. “Won’t be long.”

Hanging up, Steve moved Bucky, wrapping him a blanket and picked him bridal style. He could barely summon enough energy to put his arms around Steve’s neck, but he managed to get one around him, the other handing limply as they walked. His head laid against Steve’s shoulder, his eyes barely open.

“I’m not tired.” He seemed to protest deliriously. “I don’t want to.. go to bed..”

Steve had to chuckle just a little at that. Although he knew Bucky really wasn’t in the present time. Probably conjuring a random memory of being carried to bed by one of his parents or something. Steve brought him to the couch, figuring it would easier on the doctor to treat him there.

He laid him down, putting the pillow under his head and pulling another blanket over his shivering body before going to unlock it. He heard Bucky start to panic a little and immediately went back to him, sitting down and lifting him to let him lay on his lap, and stroked his hair soothingly.

“Your’re mom’s gonna be  pissed..” Bucky seemed to say, and Steve looked down at him in confusion. “when she sees it.”

“See’s what Buck?” He asked.

“What we did… to the… couch.. you idiot..” Bucky said, chuckling feverishly. “We ruined.. the cushions.”

Steve smiled at the memory, knowing where Bucky was in head right now. “I think she’ll forgive us Buck.”

They had taken all the cushions and pillows off the couch as kids. The sofa his parents had saved tons of money to get, had laid them out on the floor and, as boys tended to do, had managed to wreck a few of them goofing around on them. And his mom had been pissed, but one look at the two of them grinning like idiots had softened her. It was amazing sometimes what memories you conjured up when you were sick.

“I like your mom.” Bucky said, smiling. “She’s pretty.”

Speaking as if she was right there, alive in front of them. And his mind at that moment she was. Steve smiled himself. “Yeah she is.” He told him not disrupting this illusion for now. “You’re mom is too.”

His eyes fluttered shut for a few minutes as he dozed off, and Steve maneuvered his body, so Bucky’s back was laying against his chest. He pulled the blanket up to his neck and wrapped his arms around him, resting his chin on his head. He was shivering even harder, his body feeling on fire now.

“Cold.” His voice said, breath whistling harshly. “Its so cold.”

Steve tightened his arms around him along with the blanket as well. Just trying to keep him warm until Sam and the doctor got there. After another long 15 minutes they came in, bringing what looked a triage worth of stuff to work right there in the living room.

Bucky’s eyes seemed to fly open in panic at the new arrivals, in his delirium seeing a threat and Steve had to hold him tight and calm him as they set up. Sam took one look at him and immediate concern showed up on his face.

“He dose not look good.” He said and looked at Bucky, who was eyeing him suspiciously. “you know who I am right?”

Bucky gave him an irritated look, which was funny in the state he was in. “Course I do...” He seemed to growl, almost trying to meld himself into Steve’s body. “You’re the bird guy..”

Sam smiled affectionately. “He’s still snarky that’s a good thing.” He chuckled, helping the doctor set up a few things.

The doctor, a woman whose last name was Clarkson, seemed to be ready and asked Steve to hold Bucky as still as possible so she could start up an IV line for him. The minute Bucky’s glassy eyes saw the equipment, especially the needle, he started to panic, terror filling them.

“No..no..” He stammered, trying back further against Steve. “gonna…hurt me…”

“It’s okay Buck.” He whispered in his ear.  “She’s here to help okay?”

The lucidity seemed to come and go, and he settled slightly against Steve. He was still shaking in terror though and Steve wondered if he was actually there or somewhere else. He ran his hand down his metal arm and entwined his fingers with his, holding it down just in case he tried to lash out in fear and confusion. Sam came back from the kitchen and handed him a cool cloth. Steve took it in his other hand pressed to Bucky’s forehead to cool him off a little as the doctor worked.

He felt him tense as the IV catheter was put in his arm, a little whimper coming out of him. His metal fingers flexed in Steve’s, his eyes squeezed shut.  He was actually doing better than expected but Steve didn’t dare let go of his hand, and Sam kept a tight watch as well, knowing this shit was highly unpredictable. That Bucky was not completely in control of himself right now.

Once the tube was in, fluids and medications were finally pumping into his veins. Steve breathed a sigh of relief and put his lips to his ear again. “Your doing so good beautiful.” He whispered to him, holding the cloth to his head. “It’s gonna feel better soon I promise.”

The doctor told them there was a mild sedative in the IV line that would kick in pretty quickly, along with anti-biotics and an anti-inflammatory to bring down the fever as well.  The sedative was starting to kick because Steve felt Bucky start to relax in his arms which was a good thing because the next thing was the oxygen mask. It was needed to open his lungs and Steve was not sure how he would react to it. Seeing as how it went over his face and all.

His eyes were bleary from the fever, but he seemed calmer. There was still fear in them though. “Please don’t let them.. take my.. arm..” He stammered again incoherently. “Please.”

“It’s okay Buck.” He spoke in his ear again. “No one’s gonna hurt you, I won’t let them.”

He saw the fear in his eyes, and some wetness in them too as the doctor carefully put the oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, letting Steve finish strapping it in place. Once it was on his ragged breathing seem to steady and his eyes fluttered closed.

The doctor checked his fever and pulse now that he was somewhat calm and informed them that he seemed to have a case of pneumonia. That this would require some substantial doses of anti-biotics and fluids, as well as plenty of rest.  After about a half an hour, she removed the tube, leaving the catheter in his arm and wrapping it up, stating she would give him more fluids and medicine when she returned the next day. Steve saw Bucky’s feverish eyes watching her suspiciously above the mask as she did this, swearing he saw a hint of the Winter Soldier in them. Coming to the surface a little. When she was done wrapping it up, he pulled his arm away, tucking it against himself protectively.

“His fever should break some time in the next few hours, but it will most likely come back.” She informed Steve. “If it gets above 103 again, he needs to go to the hospital, but if the medication works it shouldn’t”

“Thank you Doctor.” Steve said to her, feeling very grateful.

“I will give you a home oxygen pump for him as well if he continues to have trouble breathing. “ She told him as well, showing it Steve. “As you can see it’s basically a big inhaler.”

Steve was somewhat familiar with those as well and smiled. “Okay.”

“Just make sure he doesn’t pull the catheter out by accident.” She informed Steve as well, finally removing the mask from Bucky’s mouth and nose. “He’s going to need more fluids and medicine tomorrow intravenously so it has to stay in for tonight.”

“I will.” He told her. “Thank you again. “

“Your welcome.” She turned her attention to Bucky, whose half-lidded bleary eyes still looked suspicious of this stranger. “I promise you’ll feel better soon Sergeant Barnes.”

“My name is Bucky.” He said in that low irritated tone, and Steve saw Sam smile at that.

The doctor did too. “I’ll remember that.”

Once they were packed up Sam took a minute to stay with both of them. Bucky seemed to be losing his fight with sleep finally, barely able to keep his eyes closed. He turned his body against Steve, curling against him under the blanket, not wanting anything to with anyone any more tonight.

“you guys gonna be alright?” Sam asked, putting his jacket on.

“Yeah I’m gonna put him to bed in a few minutes.”

“Like a big ornery child.” Same quipped.

“Get bent.” Bucky murmured against Steve’s shirt irritably.

Sam laughed at that. “Oh yeah he’ll definitely be fine.”

Steve heard affection in Sam’s voice, and even, to a degree in Bucky’s irritable one as well. They had been spending some time together and started to re-develop their snarky repatiore again. Steve was happy they had made friends with each other. He rubbed Bucky’s back a little and looked up at Sam.

“Yeah I suppose so. “ He told him. “Thanks Sam.”

“No problem man.” He replied and added. “I’ll lock the door on my way out.”

Once he’d exited Steve let Bucky just rest against him on the couch for a little bit, knowing letting a stranger work on him in that state had been difficult and he was still gathering himself. His breathing was still labored, but for the moment better than it was before. But he was still shivering, chills running through him.

“I’m gonna take you bed okay?” He asked softly, brushing his hair back from his still warm forehead. “You need to rest.”

“My arm hurts.” Bucky said hazily, as if not hearing him. “Why does it hurt?”

“It’s alright Buck.” He told him, sitting up and maneuvering him so he could pick him up. “It’s not important.”

“I got hit by the baseball, right?” He asked as Steve lifted him up again. “At the game?”

Recalling a memory of him getting hit by a foul at EBbet’s most likely. And Steve searched, finding the memory himself, recalling a pretty nasty bruise. “Yeah.” Steve answered, once again not contradicting the delusion. “It looks kind of nasty just saying.”

“I got the ball though.” Bucky continued, almost unconsciously wrapping his arms around Steve’s neck, burying his face against his shoulder. “So I guess it’s worth it.”

Carrying him into the bedroom, Steve carefully put him back in the bed. Getting in behind him, he made sure his flesh arm was in a good position as to not loosen the catheter and wrapped him up from behind, making sure the blankets were fully covering him as well. He nuzzled his face into Bucky’s hair comfortingly, feeling the raging fever in his body as the medicine fought to calm it.

“I love you Buck.” He whispered in his ear, holding him tight.

He occasionally thrashed ass a vivid dream or vision came to him, but Steve held him tight until he calmed again, soothing him with whispers and touches.  His breathing was terribly choppy, but he was getting air at least now.

His fever broke about 3 am and his body broke out into a sweat. And Steve felt him sort of kick the covers off him now that he wasn’t cold anymore. Grumbling and falling into a deep, restful sleep.  He himself never moved, even though Bucky’s sweat was soaking through both their shirts, and his hair was damp in his face. Steve didn’t care about any of that. He just wanted to hold him like this for now.

And eventually he fell asleep too, just like that.

\--

Bucky swan up from sleep, like a slow rise through sludge. His body feeling like he’d gotten hit by a damn bus and his mouth felt like it was stuffed with cotton. It still hurt to breath but at least for the time being he didn’t feel cold.

He opened his eyes, blinking against the sunlight and grumbled. It hurt his eyes and he seemed to have a massive headache on top of everything. And that’s when he noticed his arm had a new bandage on it. He had himself a mild panic attack for second, getting that sense of déjà vu from when he’d cut himself that time. But he had no memory of doing anything like that.

“Steve?” He tried to call out, but his voice just wouldn’t cooperate. And worse it seemed to bring on a coughing fit. Which in turn hurt his head more. He felt fucking miserable.

He heard him coming down the hall, with a glass of water in his hand. He looked bright as usual and a little tired from what Bucky could see from his half-closed eyes, his hair in his face as he blinked up at him, one more coughs spasming out of him.

“Good morning.” Steve told sitting down on the bed next to him and brushing his hair with his fingers. “How you feeling?”

“Like shit.” He said honestly. “What happened to my arm?”

Steve smiled softly ad picked it up. “It’s a catheter.” Steve explained. “Your fever spiked high last night, I had to call a doctor.” He studied Bucky’s reaction intently. “You don’t remember that?”

Bucky squinted, searching his memory. He remembered something, but it felt hazy and jumbled like a dream or something. Remembering a mask getting put on his face, blurred face in front of him. He had thought that was just a dream. He shook his head looked back at him.

“Why is it still in my arm?”

“Because you’re gonna need more fluids that’s why.” He informed him, giving him the water. “And more medicine. “ He brushed a little more of Bucky’s bed-head hair away from his face. “She’d coming back in a little bit.”

Bucky sipped the water, still unable to drink too much, just needed to wet his dry, sore throat.  “What’s wrong with me?” He asked and gave a chuckle, which caused him to cough again. “Today I mean.”

“You got pneumonia Buck.” He told him. “Fortunately, its not as fatal as it used to be.”

Bucky thought that explained why he could barely move right now. Why his chest felt it like was being compressed every time he breathed. He looked up at Steve, still feeling a little scared and helpless.  He must’ve noticed and leaned over, giving him a soft kiss on the head, leaving his lips there for a moment and Bucky closed his eyes, grateful for the comfort right now.

“Just as I’m starting to feel better, I get my ass sick.” He said with a little chuckle. “Ain’t that just fucking lovely.”

“Language.” Steve admonished and gave him a little kiss on the nose.

“You know if I could move my arm, I’d smack you.”

Steve laughed at that and put his hands on his face, kissing his lips this time. Bucky’s lips felt dry and chapped from his fever, but Steve’s were soft against them and he loved it. Obviously, Steve wasn’t worried about catching anything it seemed. He felt himself be lifted up so he could lean against the headboard, Steve’s lips still pressed to his. Bucky smiled, weakly lifting one of his arms and resting it on Steve’s waist. Their lips parted and he leaned his forehead against Steve’s.

“I’m just glad you’re okay.” Steve whispered to him, his hands still on his face. “You kind of scared me last night.”

He could tell he had, could see some worry lines on him. “I’m sorry punk.” He said softly. “I really am.”

Part of Bucky wondered if he’d said or done anything really weird, or even disturbing and badly wanted to ask. His memories were hazy and indistinct, blurred by a raging fever and he couldn’t quite remember what was real and what was a dream to be honest. Which was scary.  Almost as scary as the sleep fugues he had. Or his Winter Soldier memories.

“Steve did I.. do anything last night?” He asked hesitantly. “Like did.. he come out?”

“I saw him in your eyes occasionally.” Steve admitted, being more honest about that now. “But he didn’t come out, not fully.” He stroked his hair again. “You did say some weird stuff but.. you had a fever or 104 so..”

“What did I say?” He asked, suddenly needing to know. “Tell me.”

“Some stuff from when we were kids, things like that.” He told him, hedging a little before deciding to be honest. “Things form when they had you.” His put his hand on Bucky’s flesh hand and wrapped their fingers together. “And you said something about not wanting to do something.. something about only want to do it with me.”

Bucky looked at him, feeling a little cold inside. Steve had a look in his eyes that said he had an idea what that thing was. Bucky knew too. They hadn’t talked about it. It was one of the few things they didn’t talk about with this new communication thing they’d been doing since he’d started therapy a month ago. He couldn’t even bring up the subject up or even come close to it, not even in therapy.

He didn’t want to. He couldn’t. It was like a block in his head. A pretty damn big one. He saw Steve, just wanting him to say something, anything here at all. But he just couldn’t.

“I don’t want to talk about that.” He said, his raspy voice barely above, looking away. “I can’t.”

Steve squeezed his hand in his. “I know.” He told him softly. “You don’t have to talk about anything today.” His other hand brushed Bucky’s hair again. “You just gotta rest.”

Bucky hated himself a little that he felt grateful that Steve wasn’t going to push it, but he also heard the ‘today’ in that sentence too and knew that sooner or later h e would ask him about it. And he dreaded that moment because he knew he’d say the exact same thing. It was another elephant in the room that he didn’t want to acknowledge.

He heard that kids voice in his head again _you much suck some pretty good dick to get that kind of loyalty…_   He tried to shove it back, not understanding why he couldn’t let that go. Why it still pissed him off that much. Or maybe he knew why.

Because he hadn’t been doing that lately. And the thing was, Steve hadn’t even made a big deal out of it. On the few occasions Bucky had tried to start it, he’d frozen. And one time had actually gotten sick in the process of trying it. And Steve was more concerned about his well-being, than annoyed by this particular issue he was having. And Bucky always felt that for some reason he should get the latter more than former from his long-time boyfriend. There was that secret hidden element in him that thought he owed Steve something for all the crap he was putting him through. For the many ways he took care of him. But Steve was just contradicting this notion. Being understanding instead of angry and sometimes Bucky had no idea what to do with that.

Like right now. When he was looking at him with such kindness and concern after he’d put him through hell yet again.

“I’m sorry.” He told him, feeling sort of low and ashamed again. “I really am.”

“For what Buck?” He asked. “Being sick?” He kissed his head again softly. “That’s not your fault either.”

He looked down at that, sensing what Steve was saying with that last bit. Trying it ram it through Bucky’s sometimes very thick skull that none of it was. But he couldn’t stop himself from thinking it. He was getting better at accepting certain things these days but that was still hard. Especially when he was feeling like giant pile of shit today on a physical and emotional level.

Without thinking he just put his arms weakly around Steve and let him hug him, nuzzling his face into his neck, trying to hide his terrible mess of emotions. He felt Steve’s hand on the back of his head, cradling it. He closed his eyes, taking a painful, ragged breath, his fluid filled lungs aching, his whole body aching in fact.

“I feel like shit.” He said into his neck. “I mean like.. literal shit.” He took another painful breath. “Everything hurt.”

“I know.” Steve replied, pulling him a little more into his lap. “You just gotta rest okay?”

Bucky nodded and laid his head on Steve’s shoulder. Feeling like he could sleep right then and there. He’d just woken up but still felt wiped out. Hadn’t felt this tired since.. well when he’d finally escaped and actually stopped moving for once. That exhausted feeling. At least now he felt safe enough to sleep.

Just then the doorbell rang, and Bucky groaned against his shoulder. “Tell them to go away.” He grumbled. He didn’t want to see anyone at all right now.

“It’s probably the doctor.” Steve said softly to him. “So I can’t. “ He lifted him up into his arms as he stood. “You need your medication, come on.”

He didn’t want to go anywhere, didn’t want to see the doctor, but nodded reluctantly, weakly wrapping his legs around Steve so he could carry him, but refusing to move his face from his shoulder. He once again felt like a damn child but there was no way in hell he could walk, he was weak as a kitten and his legs felt like rubber.

“Just so you know Captain.” He said grumpily into Steve’s neck as he carried him. “I’m gonna put in a formal protest about this.”

Steve laughed at that and the vibration was comforting to him. “Duly noted Sergeant.” He told him. “but you don’t have a choice in the matter.” He kissed the side of his head. “It’s Captains orders.”

Bucky smiled in spite of his general ill feeling and gave in for now.

\--

Steve watched him as the doctor reconnected the tube to the catheter in his wrist, just making sure he was alright. He could see Bucky’s metal fingers digging into the couch cushions, he supposed as a way of keeping that arm occupied, as it had tendency to act on his emotions. The one he seemed to have right now was fear and Bucky was very much aware of it.  His eyes found Steve’s and locked on them, as if using for a grounding force.

She also gave him oxygen again, which he initially looked terrified of yet again but after being assured it was fine, he allowed with the stipulation that he put it on himself. He laid back against the back of the couch with his eyes shut, taking the oxygen into what Steve assumed were very painful lungs.

The doctor wanted to give those lungs a listen, but Bucky balked so seriously at the possibility of being touched that she didn’t push it. It was enough to know he was having difficulty with breathing for her to know that he may have had one almost fully blocked lung. The oxygen was to open it up so it wouldn’t collapse when the fluids drained out finally.

“I’m going to put him on a heavy dose of anti-biotics. and a strong anti-inflammatory for the fever.” She told Steve as Bucky continued to take the oxygen, almost dozing while he was doing it. “I can give him some pain-killers for the worst of it too. Otherwise he needs to get fluids and plenty of bed-rest.” They looked over at him a for a second. “Should take about a week to get his strength back after that.”

“Thanks Doctor.” Steve told her. “I appreciate it.”

As Bucky was still taking the oxygen, his chest rising painfully, the doctor took the IV tube out and then carefully removed the catheter from his wrist. He saw Bucky’s hand flex on the couch again as it was removed and wrapped up. All in all, he was doing well with it all considering.

“I’d recommend an x-ray next week too to see if the lung has cleared at all.” She said and saw Bucky’s fearful look at that. “I know you have issues with it, but we can make it as stress free as possible I promise.” She smiled softly. “Just think about it okay?”

Bucky nodded and Steve thought it didn’t look like an outright rejection. Which was good. Once everything was done and the prescription called in the doctor left her number and told them she’d be back to check on him in a few days. One she was gone Steve sat down next to him and Bucky leaned his head against his shoulder and smiled tiredly.

“That wasn’t too bad.” He said, taking his hand. “I think you did good.”

“Yeah” Bucky replied, closing his eyes. “She’s nice.”

Steve nodded and sat there for a few minutes, knowing he had to get his prescription, but he wanted to make sure Bucky was resting first. Preferably sleeping. He did seem to be falling asleep again and that was really good actually, although his breathing still sounded horrible, he was at least breathing, 

Eventually he did feel him fall asleep, his mouth open comically. He had the feeling the doctor had given him another sedative to help that along. Because sleeping was something he needed to do. So he laid him down gently on the couch and pulled the big fleece blanket over him, making sure his head was resting comfortably on the pillow and giving him a kiss on the head. Bucky smiled and turned on his side, curling up a bit, sound asleep now, a slight whistle coming from his throat as he breathed.

Steve went and got his coat and went to the pharmacy, being as quiet as possible as to not wake him.

It wasn’t far so he just walked to it and picked it up, grabbing some soup bases and juices, because most likely that was all Bucky was going to be eating for a few days. And he was going to make sure he ate, whether he wanted to or not.

When he got back Bucky was still sound asleep on the couch. He stroked his hair and gave him another kiss on the head, seeing him shift a little but now wake. There was no reason to move him, so he let him stay there got himself some lunch.

About 45 minutes later he heard what sounded like a thump on the floor, followed by a delirious sounding laughing from Bucky. Followed by a series of violent coughs. This caused some concern in him and he went to the living room to see Bucky on the floor, the blanket in disarray. He looked up at Steve and smiled almost stupidly at him.

“Whoops.” He said, still chuckling, trying in vain to get up.

“Buck are you okay?” He asked about to bend down. “Let me help you.”

But before he could Bucky seemed to grab onto his legs like he was about to climb him and looked up at him, his feverish eyes showing good humor. “I think I’m drunk or somethin’” He told him, the Brooklyn accent peeking out. “Can’t get my…legto.. work..”

He seemed to pull himself up a little and chuckled more. It would’ve been cute in other circumstances but for now it was just painful. He was so damn sick.

“Bucky let me get you back on the couch okay?”

“No..” He protested indignantly. “I gotta give your…birthday present.”

The fact that Steve’s birthday was 7 months away didn’t matter, Bucky wasn’t in any sense of reality right now. “You can give it to me later okay?” He told him gently, putting his hand on his head,  feeling that he was very warm again.  

“No now.” He told him, using the pockets of Steve’s jeans to pull himself up to his knees. “While we’re still alone..” His eyes seemed to flicker, and Steve thought he saw some lucidity there for a second before he spoke again. “You’ll like it..trust me”

“Like what?” Steve asked, not sure he wanted to know the answer. Thinking he already knew  considering the position Bucky was trying to get himself in.

Bucky grinned feverishly at him. “Don’t be.. dense.. ” He said, his tongue running over his dry lips. “I want to suck your damn dick Stevie.” He tugged at his jeans. “I’m really good at it.”

Steve was startled at the blunt way he’d said it. But not surprised. “Bucky no.” He said softly, his hand on his face. “Not now okay.”

“Why not?” He asked, looking confused. “Don’t you… me to..”

Steve felt sick because there a part of him that wanted to let him. Because he was good at it. Very good in fact. And it had been a while. But to even thinking it was wrong on so many levels right now. He was so sick that he had no idea what he was saying.

“Of course Buck just not now.” He told him softly. “You’re too sick.”  

 Bucky’s face at that moment seemed to go from jovial to pained. “I am really good at it.” He said, till holding onto Steve’s pockets. “But I only… want to with you.. but they.. they want..”

“What do they want Buck?”

His face changed even more now, as if his delirious mind had switched to a different place “It hurts.” He then said, a little whimper in his voice now. “Make it stop..” He looked up at Steve with desperate eyes. “I’ll do anything..  please..”

Bucky nuzzled his face against him, pulling on his jeans a little and Steve felt so much pain for him. For the images the fever was bringing to him now.  The physical pain his illness gave him most likely blurring back  the pain from the injuries they’d inflicted as well.  Bucky simply couldn’t tell the difference between then and now in his delirious state.  He dropped to his own knees and took Bucky’s face in his, trying to get him back to hm, if only marginally.

“It’s me Bucky.” He said softly, stroking his hair. “It’s okay.”

“He says I’m a good soldier.” Bucky said in a monotone voice. “When I follow orders.” His eyes flicked to Steve. “I’m good at it..”

Before Steve even had time to process that statement,  whatever strength was holding Bucky up failed and he started to fall over. Steve quickly caught him before his head hit the table and pulled him into his arms. His limp body went without any resistance, his head laying against his shoulder.

“I got you Buck it’s ok.” He whispered in his ear. “It’s okay,.”

Bucky just laid there against his shoulder. “I’m good at it.” He repeated listlessly, his arm handing at his side.

Steve sat down and just held him there for the time being, trying to comfort Bucky as best he could, no matter where he was in mind right now.

\--

Bucky felt himself drifting in an out again, not sure where the line was between the chaos in his mind and the waking reality. He would be one place one minute and an entirely different place in another with not much seque in between. He was confused and scared, memories melting into other memories. He hadn’t felt like this since he’d first gotten out to be honest.

There was a feeling being carried somewhere. And then snow swirling around him. There were warm, soft hands, and then brutal ones. There was Steve’s blue eyes and anonymous black boots. Of gentle forehead kisses and violent hair-pulling. He was so, so confused. Not knowing what was real and what was the dream. It so hard to tell.

There was a sensation of time passing but he couldn’t be certain how much.

He felt a hand on his face and a far off voice.  A familiar one. A safe one. “You gotta take these okay?” It said to him, opening his mouth, gently cupping his chin. “It’ll make you feel better.”

Bucky didn’t trust what he was being given and weakly swatted at the person trying to give it to him. “Noooo.” He managed. “No..”

The voice sounded like Steve’s, but it could’ve been a trick. They’d messed with him before, giving him stuff and keeping him awake until he was seeing things. Seeing people that weren’t there. There was no way Steve could’ve been here. He was far away and safe. He swatted weakly at this fake apparition, no force behind it at all.

He could feel the swinging hand gently restrained against something soft. Like a pillow. But he didn’t have those here. It confused him. As did the cool water that was suddenly in his mouth, wetting his dry, chapped lips and soothing his swollen throat, washing down whatever they’d give him.  He whimpered softly, not understanding what was happening. Just knew he was in pain and felt so cold. 

“You’re okay.” He heard that Steve-voice say again. “It’s alright.”

Then Bucky felt a cool cloth pressed against his head gently. Not too much pressure. Just enough. He opened his eyes and saw Steve face, it was fuzzy but there. Weakly he reached his now free hand out again and touched it, just to make sure it was real. He could feel his warm skin, a two-day stubble, his cheekbones. Was he really there? He couldn’t be.

“Steve?” He asked, his throat still dry but cooled by the water. “Is that you?”

“Yeah Buck.” He answered, smiling softly at him, his hand holding the cool cloth on his head. “I’m here.”

Bucky tried to focus, tried to keep himself in this place, feeling like if he closed his eyes it would slip away, and he’d be in that other place. The horrible one where they hurt him all the time. His metal hand gripped Steve’s shirt, holding it as tight as he was capable of doing, his flesh one dropping to his arm and wrapping his fingers around it, feeling its warmth. Grounding himself.

“is this a dream?” ?” He asked, his own voice raspy. Hesitant.

“It’s not a dream Buck.” Steve replied, his other hand resting on Bucky’s face. It felt warm, soft. Real. “You’re really here.”

He looked up into Steve’s eyes, so soft, so tender. So full of love. He wanted to believe it was real. To stay there. To believe him.  To believe it wasn’t some cruel vision, a mind-trick played by Hydra. Something in those pills they’d just given him. It felt real, but he wasn’t sure of anything anymore.

“How do I know.. it’s a not a.. trick?” He asked. “They..  always… trick me.”

Instead of getting an answer what he got was a soft kiss on the lips. His own were dry and cracked with fever but Steve’s were so soft.  Felt so real. He lifted his hand weakly again, placing it on the back of Steve’s neck, feeling his warm skin under his fingers. Suddenly he could feel the softness of the bed under him as well, hear the familiar sound of the ticking clock.  The texture of Steve’s shirt fisted in his metal fingers. If this was a trick, it was their best and cruelest one yet.

It was real. It had to be.

Steve’s lips pulled away, but he stayed close, allowing Bucky to feel his presence and his warmth close to him. “It’s not a trick.” He whispered to him, soft fingers brushing his hair softly. “Its real.”

He closed his eyes as he felt Steve’s hand pressing the cloth back onto his forehead again. And that’s when he realized he was now in the bedroom again, not on the couch. Because there were a couple of blankets on him and the pillow was softer. He didn’t know how he’d gotten in here or when. The last clear thing was being in the living room, after the doctor had left and then.. jumbled, feverish memories and feelings. He didn’t even know how long it had been or if it was even the same day.

Didn’t really matter though.

He felt Steve lay down next to him and pull him into his warm, strong arms and nothing else really mattered. Not his painful chest or feverish mind. All he knew was he felt safe. He hoped that it really was real. Not just an illusion. But if it was, he had no plans to leave it. He’d live in in forever if meant he didn’t have to go back to that other place.

“You won’t leave right?” He asked, nuzzling his burned head into Steve’s neck.

“I’m not going anywhere.” He heard Steve whisper in his ear as he closed his eyes again. “I promise.”

\--

Steve felt Bucky’s fever break about an hour or so later, once again coating his body in sweat.  Once again, he didn’t want the covers anymore and seemed to push them off him irritably. But didn’t pull away from him either. Just laid there, huddled next to him. Once again sound asleep.

The doctor had told him Bucky would sleep a lot during this. That it was the only way his body could fight it. The important thing was to make sure he got his medicine. Which Steve had made sure of, in spite of Bucky’s feverish protests about it.

And that had happened a couple of times too. Because Bucky had been alternating between sleeping and feverish delirium for about 24 hours now. Since the doctors last visit.

Bucky had said a lot of strange and upsetting things over the last couple of days. The fever had been raging off and on, thankfully not getting as high as it had been when he called Sam, but it was still making him paranoid and irrational. To point of refusing the medication at a couple of points.

“I won’t take that shit.” He protested, weakly trying to bat it away. “Think I don’tt.. know.. what that is?”

“It’s medicine Buck It’s gonna make you better.”

“I’m not.. stupid..” He replied, his feverish eyes looking at the pills suspiciously. “You’re.. trying to.. control me..”

Exasperated Steve had tried a different tactic. “If you don’t take them, I’ll take you to the hospital and they’ll make you take them.” He told him, not wanting to do this, but he needed to take them. “Do you understand?”

Bucky had looked fearful at that idea. Terrified actually. “Please no..” He practically begged him as he laid there, his face flushed with fever. “I’ll take them just don’t send me back there.”

He remembered hating himself a little for using that fear in the sate his was in but didn’t have any other choice. He wasn’t going to hold him down and force him to take it either. So he’d had to manipulate him into it. It made him feel no better than Hydra. Even he was doing it for his own good, it didn’t make him feel better about playing that little mind game.

He seemed to think he was back at their facility. Looking scared and angry like Steve was a trick in his mind or something. That he wasn’t really there.  Over and over he had to reassure him that he was in fact real.

They had played some horrible mind tricks on him it seemed to go with the abuse and torture. And the fever had brought this back again. The terrible confusion he must’ve felt then.

And there were those things he’d said yesterday in the living room.

_“Don’t be.. dense.. .I want to suck your damn dick Stevie…I’m really good at it.”_

And then..

_“He says I’m a good soldier…When I follow orders…I’m good at it..”_

He had kept saying that. The last part over and over again. He could’ve just chalked up to delirium, but it seemed like something he emphasized. Like there was no line between the first and second part of the conversation. And Steve realized that maybe in Bucky’s confused head there wasn’t a difference at all. It was only in his fever-induced state that he could actually admit this.

Because he sure as hell never wanted to talk about that. Hadn’t since the day he remembered it. 

Steve had known there was no way he was past that in spite of what he said. You don’t just get over something like that. You just deny its truth.  

But he couldn’t ask him. Not yet. He had to make that decision to open up and truly admit what happened to him.

 And right now he had to focus on getting well. And as if on cue Bucky started coughing spasmodically. It sounded painful and Steve pulled him closer trying to soothe him, feeling him weakly wrap his arm around him as if seeking the comfort.

“Dammit..” He heard him say, his voice very raspy now, barely audible. “This sucks.”

Bucky had his head over Steve’s shoulder, just hacking. Nothing was coming out it was just his lungs trying to clear the crap and it seemed like every cough hurt the hell out of him.  Steve could feel Bucky’s hands flexing into his back with every one and it sounded like he was going to chook on a few occasions. But he was breathing. It may have been ragged and painful sounding, but he could breathe.

“I know.” He replied, rubbing his back in a soothing way. “You really gotta stop smoking.”

Bucky tried to chuckle but it seemed to just bring on more painful coughing for a moment. Finally it seemed to subside and he buried his head in Steve’s shoulder, just catching his breath. “Thanks a lot punk.” He rasped against his shirt. “You almost.. killed me with.. that one..”

Steve smiled, thinking at least he was trying to have a small sense of humor about it. He put his hand to his head and felt it, feeling that it was cool and sweaty still. The fever had gone away for the time being, making him feel somewhat relieved.

“You okay now?”

Bucky just nuzzled his shoulder for a moment as if considering the question. “Not really but you know.” He told him, taking a painful sounding breath. “What day is it?”

“It’s Wednesday afternoon.”

“Shit it is?” He asked, looking surprised. “And when did that doctor come?”

“Tuesday morning.” Steve informed him.

“Fuck.” He swore, pulling away and falling back on the pillow heavily. “I lost another whole day?”

Steve brushed some of his seriously mussed hair back. “Well you were kind of in and out of it..” He told him, watching his eyes as he seemed to try to recall the lost time. “And when you were.. here you weren’t making much sense.”

Bucky looked worried again. “I didn’t do anything did I?” He asked, the fear creeping into his voice. “He didn’t…”

Steve wanted to reassure him that nothing bad happened, but he felt that would be kind of lie when he thought about yesterday afternoon, or his paranoid ideas about the medicine. Both of which opened up questions he badly wanted the answer to as well. And in the state Bucky was in he wasn’t sure it was right to ask them.

Plus, it was second time in 2 days he’d asked the question, showing how damn worried he was about what happened when he had no control over himself. So he settle for the middle ground instead.

“He didn’t come out.” He told him, which was the truth, the Soldier had been thankfully silent. “You didn’t do anything too bad so don’t worry.”

He saw Bucky search his face and saw relief in his eyes seeing that Steve was telling the truth on that. He then started coughing violently again, turning on his side and curling up as if in pain.  He looked so damn miserable Steve wished he could do more for him, but he also knew the couching was an indication that body was starting to win the battle. But it must’ve hurt like hell just the same.

“The doctor gave you some pain-killers.” He suggested to him. “It might help.”

He thought he saw apprehension in Bucky’s bleary eyes at the mention of those. “I can handle it.” He rasped, his metal hugging his chest.

“I know you can Buck.” Steve said softly, his hand rubbing his shoulder. “But you don’t have to suffer okay?”

“I don’t like em.” Bucky said, words broken up by occasional coughs. “They used to.. give them..  to me..” He flicked his pain-filled eyes up to Steve. “Said it would help but.. just made… it worse..”

Steve rubbed his back a little as another coughing fit hit him. “Are you talking about Hydra Buck?”  He asked him, not sure if he was going get an answer. And was surprised when he did. Supposing Bucky was just too damn tired to care at this point.

“Yeah.” He answered, swallowing painfully. “They said it would.. help with the… stuff you  know… but..It just.. It made me feel weird and see stuff..” He turned his eyes to Steve again. “It made me feel crazy..”

Steve realized that it made sense now that in his fevered delirium he would be suspicious of the medicine they gave him. Thinking maybe it was causing his confusion. He knew they’d tried to sedate him in the hospital too and he’d resisted that pretty hard as well. He ran his hand over his sweaty forehead just trying to comfort him.

“I get it.” He told him. “But these will actually help you okay?” He reached over and picked up all three bottles to show him. “You trust me right?”

Bucky smiled wanly at him. “Of course I do punk.”

“Will you take them then?” He asked him, still brushing his hair with his other hand. “If not for yourself then do it for me okay? Because I want you to feel better.”

He saw Bucky nod, still looking apprehensive but willing to try without protest this time. So he put the bottles and helped him sit up against the bed-stand. Taking the bottle of water he’d just taken out of the fridge a little while ago he gave him one of each of the pills and the water. He watched him take them, helping him a bit with the bottle because he had so little strength even that weight was hard to lift.

“If I start seeing things again I’m blaming you.” Bucky sassed, drinking a little more of the water which was a good sign.

Steve chuckled a little at that. “Whatever you say jerk.” He told him, resting his hand on his leg. “You hungry?”

Bucky shook his head and coughed again. “Not really.”

“Well I’m gonna make you some soup anyways.” “He informed him, patting his leg. “You need to eat whether you want to or not.”

He heard Bucky chuckle again, causing another coughing fit. “You sound like your mom.” He struggled to say in between hacking. “She did make a mean soup though.”

Steve smiled thinking of that. Sarah Rogers was not only a nurse, but she knew how to make the best from scratch chicken noodle soup ever. Considering how sickly Steve had been as a child she’d had a lot of experience in those home remedies. Bucky liked her soup as well to the point where his mom would get it from her on the rare occasion he was sick as well. Although sometimes they wanted it even when they weren’t sick.

“Well you are in luck.” He told Bucky. “Because I still got that recipe.”

He saw Bucky’s eyes light up at that. “Really?” He said with a raise of the eyebrow. “You’ve been holding on me Rogers.”

“Well.” He told him, leaning over to kiss his nose. “I gotta keep a few surprises up my sleeve don’t I?”

Bucky hooded his blue eyes a little as he looked up at him. “A few huh?” He responded, catching that. “Do tell..”

Smiling knowingly, Steve kissed him softly on the lips. “When you’re better.” He teased, letting his lips linger for a moment, as a promise of sorts. “You’ll find out.”

Bucky sat back against the headboard with his arms crossed, looking like an indignant child. “You kind of suck you know that?”

“And you’re cute when you’re mad.” Steve teased, giving him a kiss on the forehead. “Like a big, grumpy teddy bear.”

“Fuck you.” Bucky grumbled, although there was clear affection behind it. “Just get me my soup you punk.”

“Such language too.” He told him, unable to resist teasing him a little more. “But I’ll forgive you because you’re sick.”

He fetched it, and in spite of the fact that Bucky had said he wasn’t hungry, he still ate it, well most of it. His appetited wasn’t great but it almost like was doing it for Steve. And just the effort to do it seemed to wear him out. Hell breathing was wearing him out. The medication as well as the illness was making him extremely tired. He’d be sleeping a lot over the next few days Steve knew.

After they ate, Steve sat down on the bed and let Bucky cuddle next to him, his is head resting on Steve’s shoulder, arm thrown around his chest. He’d cough every so often but not as bad as earlier, and seemed to be in a little pain now that the medication had been accepted by his body again.

“Remember when we were kids and I used to get sick a lot?” He asked Bucky, his hand gently brushing his dark hair. “None of the other kids wanted to be around me but you.. you always came over and hang out with me.”

“Yeah.” Bucky said quietly against his shoulder. “I do.” Steve could tell by the tone that he actually did. “You were sick a lot.”

“You used to tell me stories and in them I’d be always be the hero.” He reminisced. “You always made me big and strong, and I was always the one who saved the day.”

He smiled at the memory, thinking about how they’d play pirates or cowboys, and even soldier ironically. Playing these adventures in their heads. He remembered how Bucky would stay over and sleep on the floor and talk to Steve when he was sick. Always looked after him. Never babied him just treated him normally, like any other friend. Wrestling, play fighting, and sometimes real fighting when Steve was being a particularly difficult punk. Dragging to the beach and onto roller coasters.  And Steve had loved him for all of that.

And he could tell thinking about this was comforting Bucky to some degree. By the way the irritation and worry seemed to be fading. Although it could’ve been the medicine too. Or just a combination of both.

“Funny how that worked out huh?” Bucky said tiredly, tightening his arm around him. “You did become the hero after all. I always knew you would.”

“You did?”

“Sure did.” Bucky replied, turning his head to look at him, his blue eyes sleepy again. “And I’m proud of you punk.” He smiled tiredly. “You did good.”

Somehow hearing that coming from Bucky made was more important than any other accolade he got. The fact that Bucky saw it in him so long ago when no one else looked twice at him. He wanted to tell him how much that meant sometimes, but he wasn’t sure there were words to convey the sentiment properly. So he just pulled him a little closer, feeling Bucky tuck one of his feet in between Steve’s under the covers, seeming to be close to drifting off again, allowing his body to continue fighting the good fight.

“I’m proud of you too.” He told him, kissing his head softly. “You’ve come a long way.”

Bucky seemed to tighten his arm around him again. “Have I?” He asked, with what sounded like doubt in his sleepy voice.

“Yeah you have.” He whispered into his hair. “You’re so strong Buck.”

He felt Bucky nuzzle his face against his shoulder. “I’m only strong because of you.” He said, his voice sounding like he was about to fall asleep. “You saved me.”

“No Buck.” He told him. “You saved yourself.”

Bucky didn’t reply and Steve was pretty sure he’d fallen asleep again. He left his hand in his hair and the other around his back, keeping contact for now. It was late afternoon and while he himself didn’t need to sleep, Bucky did, and he wanted him to be as comfortable as possible. So he stayed there holding him, knowing with all the shit he’d been through, he could beat this too.

He’d turned his phone completely off today and had turned on the record player in the other room and just laid there with him for a while, letting him sleep.

It wasn’t a bad way to spend the afternoon to be honest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fever's suck, i'm with Bucky on that one. Just an fyi anything over 103 is dangerous and you should probably get yourself or whoever to the hospital if it climbs that high. Bucky just has a very legit phobia of hospitals so a house call was necessary here. 
> 
> Bucky's weird fever behavior (He's got a lot of weird behaviors as a result of all the mind control they did on him) certainly may set up and important conversation which is, I think , in the next chapter. As well as probably some smutty stuff, there was a lack of it in this chapter for obvious reasons. 
> 
> I do think there are a few adorable aspects in this this chapter including grumpy, sick Bucky so I did enjoy writing that. He will get better I promise :)


	13. Comfort and Joy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok I had some fun with this chapter, there is quite a bit of fluff and smut for a good part of it, so I hope you all enjoy.

He had always wanted to do this, and now seemed like as good a time as any. The car parked under the Brooklyn Bridge, on the Brooklyn side of course. Here, a few days before Christmas, in the back seat of Steve’s rather large SUV, Bucky was getting deliciously pleasured by the love of his life, with music playing low in the background. He had one foot pressed against the fogged-up window, the other practically wrapped around Steve’s neck.

It was a celebration of sort. It had after all, been a rough couple of weeks.

The pneumonia had been a real peaky asshole, lingering for weeks, requiring several trips to VA Medical Center in Manhattan to get some treatment and x-rays. Each time had shown a progressive decline in the pneumonia in his lungs, one of which had been completely blocked, the other about a third of the way. Each one of the trips had particularly stressful for Bucky. Even thought it didn’t look like a conventional hospital, it was still a hospital, reminding him of unwanted surgeries, druggings and other tortures.  He he would have a flashback the machine every time he got on the table for the x-rays. And it was the one place where Steve couldn’t be in the room with him.

Every time the scanner went over him, all he could think of was the machine turning over his head before it dropped down and hit him with the electricity pulses. The first time he’d in fact screamed in terror and jumped off the table, having to be calmed. And of course, had never helped that he had to be semi-naked when doing this, with just the ridiculous johnny on. It had made him feel more vulnerable, which heightened his fear complex tremendously.

Dr. Clarksson, who he was familiar with by now, and somewhat trusted, had decided to give him a sedative and that had somewhat helped with the stress of it.  Allowing them to finally take an x-ray of his lungs. But he had spent the rest of those days, when he got finally got him, curled up on the couch with Steve.

The second and third time going in hadn’t been as bad, but he still had bad nerves and still had to be sedated for it just in case. When he hadn’t been there, or a therapy session in the Brooklyn office, Bucky had spent a lot of time sleeping, and taking a big regimen of anti-biotics that messed with his system in other ways, which had required close access to the bathroom. Which meant sleeping on the couch a lot.  So he was pretty miserable for quite a bit of the time.

3 weeks of misery in fact. The only good thing about it was, he hadn’t even noticed December 16th had passed, for which he was profoundly grateful.

That was something he was in no mood to deal with at that point.

Steve had been wonderful per usual, laying with him when he needed comfort and leaving him the fuck alone when he wanted that too. Even holding his head when he threw up, which did a few times as well, his hair hanging in his face, feeling absolutely miserable. But it was passing. The headaches and fever became less and less and with it the weird delirium that he had been stuck for nearly a week.  His chest stopped hurting so much and with the help of the daily oxygen, his lungs were recovering.

The third visit, the one today, the x-ray had shown that most of it was now gone from his lungs. Even though he still had to stay on the anti-biotics for another week, he was finally clearly out of the woods.

It was on the way home, fighting through ridiculous Manhattan traffic, trying to get over the bridge that Bucky had decided he wanted to make this pit stop. He was feeling it big time. Needing a pressure release and unable to wait until he got home.  He smiled to himself, putting his notebook down and leaning over to Steve as they sat in traffic and whispered it in his ear.

Steve did a sharp intake of breath. “What?” He asked, turning his head to Bucky. “Under the bridge?”

“Yeah why not?” Bucky asked, sliding his hand over Steve’s thigh, causing it to jerk slightly. “Not like anyone’s gonna be there or anything today.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Steve It’s a Wednesday. It’s a work day and its freaking cold out.” Bucky told him, nuzzling his neck a little to go along with his hand, torturing him in the car. “I may have been out of it for decades doll but I know its off-season.”

“What about patrols?”

“What’s the matter Captain?” Bucky asked, teasingly breathing in his ear. “Afraid you’re gonna get caught with your pants and ruin that stellar reputation?”

He knew he was being evil, but he was horny as hell.  It had been over 3 weeks, 3 very miserable, stressful weeks and he’d finally gotten a relatively clean bill of health and wanted to fuck. It was that simple. And he wanted it to be special as hell too. A new adventure. And by the time they gotten over the bridge he’d convinced Steve as well. And here they were. Parking like a couple of teenagers on a date and Bucky could not have been happier.

He moaned, his metal fingers clutching the upholstery of the seat, his other one clutching Steve’s hair as he feasted on him, his talented tongue doing marvelous things to him. The foot against the window was making a smear on the fogged-up glass, and if anyone had been around, they would’ve known exactly what was going on. But like he said, no one was around. Not even cops.  It was just them enjoying each other.

And Bucky did have to admit, the idea of possibly getting caught just added to the thrill of it.

By the time he had successfully brought him to climax, Bucky was panting and pulling on Steve’s hair urgently, wanting more. Steve responded by sliding up Bucky’s body and taking his lips in a deep, smoldering kiss, his strong hands pulling his hips against him. Bucky moaned into his mouth, so fucking turned on and ready for him, hooking one leg around his back, the other foot still pressing against the cold window. The sensation of that was strangely intoxicating, just adding another element to it.

Suddenly Steve pulled his away and seemed to consider something. And then Bucky watched as he reached over the seat, his chest muscles stretching deliciously ritht6 in front of his eyes, causing Bucky to lick his lips, wanting to bite them. He trailed his fingers over chest and did just that, biting him hungrily, startling Steve as he was trying to grab whatever he was looking for.

“Your gonna pay for that jerk.” Steve told hi m, grinding his body teasingly against Bucky, causing him to groan. “Just you wait.”

Bucky smiled saucily. “Promises promises..” He sassed, nipping at his neck now.

Steve found what he was looking for, in spite of the distractions, and pulled it forward. It was a blanket, which confused Bucky at first because he wasn’t really that cold.  Granted he was half-dressed, he was still recovering so his shirt, a long sleeved one, stayed on, but still. Steve’s body was keeping him plenty warm. Then Steve bunched it up and lifted Bucky’s head, putting blanket behind it, and Bucky finally got it. It was to keep from hitting his head on the car door while they were in the throws. He looked up at Steve, thinking this was adorably sweet and so typical.

“Such a gentleman.” Bucky said, rising up to kiss him. “How did I get so lucky?”

Steve just smiled conically at him and took his lips in another deep kiss, letting their tongue slide together sweetly. He could feel Steve’s hands on his hips again, maneuvering him and then slide deliciously into him, his body already prepped and ready to go. Bucky moaned into his mouth at this beautiful feeling of first entry. The way his body stretched around him, feeling fulfilled at last. It had felt like so damn long and he let himself savor the feeling.

As their lips parted, Steve looked down at him softly, holding still for a moment, letting him adjust. “You okay?” He whispered to him, brushing his lips over his softly.

“Yeah.” Bucky breathed in response. Loving the fact that Steve was checking on him after their hiatus to make sure he was in fact, fine. “Never better..”

He began to move, slowly at first, but steadily picking the rhythm up. Every deep hard thrust created a beautiful song in his body, hitting all the right spots. His toes curled against the foggy window and he used it to brace his leg and push back against him, fucking wantonly against him, completely lost in it. Hell he forgot where he was for a little bit, gripping Steve’s hair, his back, his ass whatever he could get good purchase on, moaning and crying out loudly, not caring if anyone heard him. He gave absolutely zero fucks about that.

He was getting gloriously fucked in the backseat of Steve’s car and it was all he cared about.

“Fuck!” He practically screamed, clawing at him, feeling Steve’s teeth into his neck, biting down, his hands aggressively pulling Bucky’s hips harder against his. “Steve…”

His eyes rolled, his foot pushing back against the window even more, not even caring if he kicked through it at this point. He was coming, and hard, his body screaming for a release and when he got that insanely hard, deep thrust into him it finally came, lighting up his nerves and he screamed his release this time, his back arching, his toes curling against the window. 

Steve wasn’t quite done with him however, giving him more and Bucky’s over-stimulated body began spasming again as he continued to thrust hard deep into him. It felt so insanely good he knew he would come again. His body on fire, breathing ragged, but in a good way now as he held on, moaning and whimpering at the intensity of it. Finally, he felt Steve’s as well as another orgasm of his own as well, crash over him forcefully. He cried out again, his head falling back against the blanket, hands flexing spasmodically on Steve’s back.

Hazily he felt Steve’s lips smother his and give him a couple more delicious pumps, causing him to whimper against his lips, just so fucked out he could barely think. As always, he lost strength in his arms, one of them hanging off the seat limply. He felt Steve pull out of him finally and just lay on him, his hands stroking his thighs softly as he nuzzled and kissed his neck.

“Shit..” Was all he could say, his body feeling beautifully exhausted.

“Yeah.” Steve agreed, biting softly into Bucky’s shoulder, causing him moan again. “ This was a damn good idea..”

“Mmm hmm.” Bucky purred, just content to lay there. “I thought so..”

His lips were then taken in another sweet kiss and Bucky thought it had been a very good idea to be honest. He just laid there in the back seat, Steve’s body over his, laying between his legs, keeping him warm as they shared in the lovely afterglow. The Brooklyn Bridge looming above to the right, it and it traffic oblivious to them both and that was just well.. perfect.

\--

“Why you putting those back on?” Bucky asked, laying with his back against the car door. “You in a hurry or something?”

Steve looked over at him as he was pulling his pants back on. Bucky himself was still sans his, presenting quite the sight for Steve’s eyes. The fact that Bucky was just getting over a bad case of pneumonia and it wasn’t exactly warm outside the car had occurred to him but the sight in front of him was just glorious. A dark blue long-sleeve shirt that was hiked up over those delicious hips of his, his legs still open to him, everything exposed with no shame whatsoever. Never mind the lovely marks he’d mad on those hips and thighs. Steve stopped what he was doing to consider it for a moment.

“No, you know.. just in case.” He told him, leaning over him with his pants sill undone. “Anyone decides to check on us or something.”

“Oh my God.” Bucky answered, his look playful, his fingers playing on the belt loops of Steve’s jeans. “I could imagine the headlines.. Captain America arrested for public lewdness’.” He ginned, pulling him to him again. “Your reputation would be ruined.”

“It would be quiet a scandal wouldn’t it?” Steve told him, bracing himself on either side of Bucky’s thighs as bent down, fastening his lips to a spot above his hip and just below his shirt. “I’d probably get kicked off the Avengers.”

“Oh how horrible.” Bucky moaned, one of his hands gripping Steve’s hair as Steve’s teeth bit into his hip. “A fallen hero.”

“Yup.” Steve sight dramatically, nuzzling his fact into Bucky’s stomach. “And it’s all your fault.” He bit down again on Bucky’s other hip, causing him to yelp a little. “Because I just can’t resist you.”

“So I corrupted Captain America huh?” Bucky asked, grabbing his hair and pulling him up to him.  “Little old me?”

“Well I mean look at me.” Steve said as he grazed his lips over neck, his hand wrapping around the back of his head. “Breaking the law for you.”

“Oh please.” Bucky growled, his hands sliding under his jeans and squeezing his ass. “The only crime I see is you putting these pants back on Captain.” 

Steve groaned and fisted Bucky’s hair as he pressed him back against the window kissing him hard again.  His other hand slid over Bucky’s bare thigh, caressing it as they continued to kiss deeply. Once again lost in each other.

He was thinking to himself this was a fantastic idea on Bucky’s part. It had been a stressful several weeks for him too, watching Bucky suffer like that. After everything else, to see him sick and reliving painful things during it had been painful. And the fact that while pneumonia may not have been as dangerous as when they were kids, it still could’ve killed him. The doctor had said that Bucky’s immune system had been somewhat comprised by Hydra’s treatment of his body during his captivity, and it was why it hit him so hard, so fast. And he hadn’t been immunized in decades either. So he still had to be careful even now.

He pulled his lips away from him and looked in his eyes, his hand softly brushing his hair back. He actually felt emotional at the moment. Thinking how close he could’ve come to losing him again and what a relief it had been when the doctor had said he was finally in the clear. Bucky must’ve seen this emotion in his eyes and looked concerned.

“What is it?” He asked, lifting his hand to Steve’s face. “What’s wrong?”

“I almost lost you again.” He admitted, lowering his eyes. “Every time it seems to get a little closer Buck and..” He trailed for a moment, fighting back tears. “It scares me.”

The fall. Tony nearly killing him. His own attempt to kill himself. And that horrible illness. It was all just too damn close sometimes and he just felt so strongly now.

Bucky’s face softened, his eyes filling with emotion too. “Steve I’m so sorry.” He whispered to him and put his arms around him. “I’m sorry I keep scaring you.”

He felt Bucky wrap his arms around his head, pulling Steve’s face to his shoulder and just holding him tight right there in the back seat of his car under the bridge.  Just comforting him.  It felt so intimate and emotional, both of the abashedly half dressed just holding each other. Steve buried his face into Bucky’s shoulder and took several shaky breathes.  He was alive. He was okay. He had survived again, because he was strong. Steve thought Bucky had no idea how strong he really was. After everything life had thrown at him, he was still here, still standing. It was such a beautiful miracle.

Pulling back, he put his hands on Bucky’s face and just looked into those stunning blue eyes of his.”I love you so much you know that?” He told him, letting his fingers slide into his hair. “I’d be nothing without you.”

It was Bucky’s turn to get emotional then, he leaned his forehead against Steve’s, taking a deep, shuddering breath. “I love you too punk.” He whispered to him. “You have no idea how much.”

Steve sighed softly hearing his words and then just pulled his lips to his again in a deep, emotional kiss. He felt Bucky slide himself back down onto the seat, pulling Steve with him as they continued to kiss. He wanted him again, wanting to re-confirm that love to him yet again. He felt Bucky’s hands tug his pants down , and he smiled against his lips as he kicked them off, pressing his body into Bucky’s and hearing him moan softly against his lips.

He lifted his head for a moment to look down at Bucky, his hair tossed, his bright eyes shining, lips swollen. His tags falling out from under his now bunched up shirt, reflecting the light, his name easily readable. The metal hand and wrist peeking out from under the sleeve of his shirt. Steve ran his hands over his hips and up to the hem of his shirt and pulled it over his head. He wanted to see all of him again. And he’d keep him plenty warm in the interim.

He ran his lips over his neck and then to his now exposed shoulder, kissing those beautiful scars. Which to him was a sign of survival. “God you’re beautiful.” He whispered against his skin and then kissed those sultry lips before Bucky could even respond to the praise.

Soon he was moving deep inside him again, soft and slower this time. Their bodies gently rocking against each other in the back seat, whispering love and praise to each other as the cars passed over-head on the bridge above them, the city sprawled out behind it shining in the late afternoon sun.

\--

A couple days later, Bucky felt himself being shook awake and grumbled, turning his face into the pillow. “Leavemealone..” He groaned, mumbling the words together in lazy irritation.

“Come grump pants.” He heard Steve’s voice, lips so close to his ear he could feel his breath. “Time to get up.”

“Fuck off.” He grumbled, turning his face into the pillow again. “I wanna sleep.”

Suddenly he smelled chocolate and nutmeg under his nose, causing it sniff in delight. He opened his eyes to see a giant cup of hot cocoa in front of his face, with steam still coming out of it. There was a grinning, stupid looking elf on the cup and Bucky couldn’t help but smile, realizing it was, in fact Christmas Eve.

“You know you want this.” He heard Steve say again, his breath tickling his ear. “But you gotta get up.”

“That’s blackmail.” Bucky said, looking at him with one eye.

“Maybe.” Said Steve with some irritating mirth in his voice. “But it works.”

Bucky groaned, turning to finally get up and then he saw what Steve was wearing and he blinked for a second as if trying to comprehend it at first. Then he busted out laughing, collapsing back onto the bed again. The laughing of course caused another coughing fit, he still had these, that cough was the last remaining fallout of his illness. The combination of the two caused him to grab his stomach in some pain.

“What the fuck are you wearing?” He asked, when he was able to get himself under control. “My God.”

It had to be the ugliest fucking sweater Bucky had ever seen. It had a giant reindeer on it with the biggest google eyes and the stupidest grin he had ever seen. He had to stop looking at it because he would die of a coughing fit if he did. Steve just grinned and patted his back in support when Bucky would look over again, start laughing and subsequently coughing again.

“You okay?” Steve asked as Bucky finally got himself under control again. “You need some oxygen or something?”

He had the ‘giant inhaler’ as he came to call it and reached for it spasmodically, little hitches and giggles still coming out of him. “Yeah.” He gasped. “Cause that ugly fucker is killing me.”

Steve handed to him and Bucky took some oxygen from it, thinking it was funny how he was the one who needed that shit now. Steve was healthy as a goddamn horse these days. Except for the crap he got from his missions and all that was.

“Tony is having an ugly sweater party, so I figured why not?” Steve told him. “Look it even lights up?”

“I swear to fucking God punk.” Bucky warned, feeling another wave of stupid giggles come over him. “I will knock you the fuck out if you turn those lights on.”

“Wow such language.” Steve admonished him. “And on Christmas too.”

He put his hand on the switch, and yes it actually had a goddamn switch. “This is your last warning Rogers.” Bucky growled dropping his inhaler on the table. “Don’t.”

That asshole grinned at him and flipped the switch and Bucky just fell over laughing again, holding his stomach. The fucking things nose actually blinked, and he couldn’t dealt with that. His nose was crinkled up and gales of laughter were coming out of him now. Tears actually came out his eyes he was laughing so damn hard. He just see Steve leaning over him with the same stupid grin the reindeer had and he lost it again.

“Are you gonna make it?” He told him brushing his hair away from his face.

“Please turn it off.” He pleaded in between bouts of laughing and coughing. “I’m begging you.”

“Alright.” Steve replied, flicking the switch. “Don’t want you to die after all.”

Little chortles and giggles kept escaping him, thinking he really hadn’t laughed that hard in a while. But even though it brought on some stupid coughing, it felt good.  He looked at Steve, focusing on his eyes because he didn’t want to look at the sweater. And saw him smiling softly at him, almost like he was studying him.

“What?” He asked, one little chuckle coming out of him.

“I just.. love seeing you laugh that’s all” He answered, completely serious. “It looks good you.”

He then leaned down and kissed him, swallowing what left of Bucky’s giggles. And he found he didn’t need the inhaler again, Steve’s lips were enough, breathing air into hi aching lungs. He wrapped his arms around his neck and sighed into the kiss.

“Just so you know.” He breathed against his lips. “I’m burn that thing later.”

Steve just smiled against his lips and continued to kiss him stupid for what seemed like, well and hour or so. Not that he was complaining at that mind you. When they did finally come back up for air Steve sat back and finally handed Bucky his hot chocolate in the stupid elf mug, which almost caused another fit of giggles.

“Come on.” Steve urged, pulling his other arm. “I want you see something.”

Bucky winced, pulling himself out of bed. “Please don’t tell me you have matching pants too.”

Steve laughed and shook his head. “Like I said I don’t want to kill you.” He told him, taking his metal hand in his and pulling him along. “I think you’ll like this. “

Bucky rolled his eyes and allowed himself to be puled along like a kid who didn’t want to get out of bed. He was taken to the living room and was greeted by the sight of a large Christmas tree that had not been there the day before. And fully decorated too.

“How the fuck did you get this done this quick?” Bucky asked, incredulously, putting his coca mug down on the coffee table.

“While you were sleeping.” Steve said proudly. “I mean its almost noon.”

Shit it was, he realized. He was still sleeping a lot, his body still in recovery mood. “Alright but still.” He said in awe. “It’s amazing.”

It was. Damn thing was over 6 feet tall, with red, white and blue garland of course With multi-colored lights and variety of ornaments that it would take Bucky a month to figure what they were from. Except for the Wizard of Oz stuff that was. The only thing that wasn’t there was the topper he noticed. Otherwise it was just grand to look at.

“I figured, you know growing up, neither one of our families could afford a tree you know?” Steve said as Bucky inspected the tree. “And we couldn’t either so..  I figured our first Christmas together since then we should have a nice one.”

Bucky looked back at Steve, remembering that yes, their parents hadn’t had much money, then the Depression hit and there wasn’t much of anything really. He and Steve couldn’t afford one for their place either, because food and rent were necessities. A tree was a luxury not many people could afford.

And then he thought about the fact that this was, in fact, their first Christmas together since the war. Thought about how many he’d missed and for a moment he felt sad and melancholy as he looked at it. Thinking of all those wasted years. When he was off doing good knows what, or shoved away in a tube in Siberia.

“It’s beautiful. “He said quietly, his metal fingers touching the garland almost reverently.

Just then he felt Steve’s arms around him from behind and something was put in his hand. It was a star. The topper. “I saved that for you.” He whispered in Bucky’s ear. “I know it’s corny but. You know.”

Bucky smiled looking at it for a moment. “It is corny.” He said with a chuckle. “Just like you.” He looked back at him for just a second. “but I love it.”

Stepping away he reached up and put it on top, straightening it make sure it was perfect and then stepped to look at it. Now it was it was complete. “Perfect.” Steve said behind him. “Now it’s Christmas.”

Bucky turned around and shook his head at him, before stepping forward and putting his arms around Steve’s neck, feeling his arms go around his back. ‘Yeah it kind of is isn’t it?”

And then he just leaned in and kissed him, closing his eyes and letting himself enjoy the moment. Their first Christmas together in forever. Bucky never thought he’d ever be here again, with Steve. Never thought he’d deserved to be here after everything he’d done, but here he was just the same.

“Merry Christmas Buck.” Steve whispered against his lips, pulling him closer to him. “I love you.”

Bucky’s lips curved into a smile as he stood there, in his pajamas and bunny slippers, kissing the love of his life, who was wearing the most ridiculous sweater ever, in front of their Christmas tree. He couldn’t have asked for a more perfect moment if he’d tried.

“I love you too. “He whispered to him, tightening his arms around his neck, letting himself live in that moment for now.

\--

Steve had dropped Bucky off at the VA where he had volunteered to help Sam with the Christmas dinner. He had been invited to Tony’s party too but had declined because of this reason and the other of course, which did not have to explained.

“Just think it would be better if I stayed away for now.” He had told Steve over breakfast a few days earlier. “Considering.”

A week and a half removed from the anniversary of death of Tony’s parent’s deaths, and Steve had to agree that it wasn’t quite time yet. And he was happy and proud that Bucky had the thing at the VA anyways. It had been good for him to have his own things like that, and he seemed to like going down there with Sam.  So Steve was not put out by Bucky deciding to do something like this instead. Whatever helped him feel better.

And he was planning on coming down there himself after he made his appearance at Tony’s soiree.  So there was that too. Although Bucky had explicitly said that he was not to come in there wearing that monstrosity. Saying a lot of these people have PTSD and that might scare them. Steve was both amused and shocked that Bucky made that joke but at least his sense of humor was back.

So he’d made his appearance at the party and was amused to see the variety of sweaters. Bucky might’ve needed a whole oxygen tank if he’d seen this.  Fondly recalling him nearly passing out laughing at Steve’s sweater. And remembered how great it was too see him laughing like that again.

Steve himself almost busted a gut when he saw Tony’s sweater, which featured an elf riding a unicorn. About which Pepper expressed the same attitude about it Bucky had about Steve’s, namely she was going to destroy that thing when she got the chance.

All in all, it was an interesting time, and Steve didn’t think it was possible for him shake any more hands or pose for anymore pictures. Or eat any more chocolate.  By the time they were done it was after 6 and he made his rounds to get the hell out to and get over the VA for the remainder of the night. Especially when he got a text from Bucky, who had taken to that rather quickly he noted.

It read ‘Where R U punk?’ with a line of annoyed emojis that were just so Bucky.  This caused Steve to smile and reply ‘OTW jerk I, with an I, a heart emoji and U’ followed by a teddy bear one.  As he was changing his sweater in the car Bucky sent him back an eye-roll one that was just so typically him.

It took him forever to get there through the Christmas Eve traffic, but finally he arrived and got inside. Seeing a whole ton of people. A lot of veterans without places to go tonight, or without families to spend it with. And Steve had remembered how Bucky had told him about this and that it was it was one of the reasons why he was so interested and doing this. “I was one of them once.” He had said the pain and empathy in his eyes. “I know what’s it like.”

Steve had remembered thinking to himself that Bucky was never going to spend another Christmas alone if he could help it. Neither one of them would.

His eyes searched the main dining hall until he found Bucky, serving food with Sam at the counter. He was dressed in jeans and a green Army sweater, his Dodgers hat on backwards and an apron on. Steve watched as he smiled at the people and gave them food. Talking and interacting with them on a personal level and thinking he couldn’t be more proud of him than he was right now. Remembering how skittish he’d been when he’d found him in Romainia, so mistrustful. With a look that said he would bolt if you came tool close and now and now here he was.. He was serving veterans and smiling and talking to them. It was beautiful sight.

Taking his phone out, Steve took a picture of it, wanting to capture it as well. And it was just as he was doing that Bucky finally saw him and gave that half amused, half-annoyed look that he loved so much. He saw him say something to Sam and step away for a moment, walking over.

“Took you long enough.” He told Steve as he came up to him. “How was the party?”

“Typical.” Steve told him honestly. “I think I’d rather be here to be honest. “

Bucky smiled broadly, it lit his eyes up and Steve badly wanted to kiss him at that moment but refrained. Too many damn people around he knew. So he settle for tucking a loosed strand of Bucky’s hair that had fallen loose from his hat, back behind his ear.

“Well we could definitely use you’re help.” Bucky said, grabbing his arm to pull him along. “I’m elbow deep in mashed potatoes and these people are hungry.” He handed Steve an apron. “And besides, we promised them Captain America would be coming and we gotta deliver.”

Steve laughed and put the apron on and saw Bucky eye him for a moment. “What?” he asked, taking a VA hat and putting on it as well.

“Nothing.” Bucky replied with a knowing smile biting his lip a little. “You just look kind of hot in that just saying.”

There was a glint in his eyes, and oh he really wanted to kiss him now. He was just asking for it. But there would be plenty of kissing later he vowed. Right now, there were mouths to feed and people to meet.

That’s when he heard Sam. “Hey everyone. “He said in the gregarious voice of his. “We got a special guest serving food tonight.” Steve shook his head almost embarrassed. “Captain America everyone!”

And Steve though he was done shaking hands and taking pictures. Not at all.

Not that he minded at all that was. These were more his kind of people anyways. And he saw Bucky just watching him being adored with a look of pride on his own face as well and just fell in love with him that much more.

There was a couple of points as well, when, while serving up turkey and potatoes, and chatting it up with the people, that Steve would feel Bucky’s hand take his for a moment and squeeze it. And look up to him just smiling at him, his blue eyes showing so much happiness it made Steve heart swell. Because he was getting there, a little at a time.

It was a very nice, very productive way to spend Christmas Eve. With Bucky and Sam, giving food to those who needed it, and making them feel less alone on Christmas.

\--

Bucky had felt a strange sense of peace and happiness. Strange because he wasn’t used to it. But after all the shit, not just with being sick, but everything else it felt good just be happy for a little while. Part of him this  knew feeling wouldn’t last forever, his mind had a habit of throwing road-blocks on him, and his therapist had told him setbacks would occur, but he wanted to just stay in this as long as he could. This feeling of normalcy.

So he sat there later that night on the couch, waiting for Steve to get done with whatever he was doing. Drinking some hot chocolate and listening to some very corny Christmas songs, he let his mind relax in the spirit of it all. Just taking it in.

“What the hell are you doing in there Rogers?” He asked after a time. “Putting on makeup?”

He heard a laugh from the other room before he answered. “Just about done now. “Steve called back. “Hang on.”

Bucky shuffled his feet, back in his slippers again, wondering what the hell he was doing, when he finally heard the door open. “Finally.” He grumbled and was about to say something when he his breath caught, seeing in his throat.

He had on the suit. The stealth suit. “Fuck.” He breathed, standing up slowly and walking over.

Steve smiled, seeing his look. “You like it?”

Bucky didn’t answer at first, his eyes devouring him. It fit him perfectly. His shoulders, his chest, his ass, thighs. Every damn thing. His mouth watered. “Oh I more than like it.”  He said in a low voice walking over to him. “Jesus fucking Christ.”

He ran his hands over Steve’s chest, feeling the material under his fingers and actually felt a whine escape him at the taut feel of it. Sliding them down his abs and around to that glorious ass of his and squeezing it, see Steve smile at him in that way that turned his insides into mush.  He gripped Steve’s ass and pulled him right up against him, everything else in the room fading around him.

“You know what Captain?” He asked, his lips brushing Steve’s “I think I might need your help with a few things.”

One of Steve’s hands wrapped around the back of Bucky’s head, fingers fisting his hair, causing a moan to escape him. “And how may I be of service?” He asked huskily.

“I’m having some trouble breathing.” Bucky answered, squeezing his ass again, loving the feel of the material under his hands. “I may need some, um, mouth to mouth resuscitation I think.”

“Well I think I can help with that.” Steve answered, his hand gripping Bucky’s hair a little tighter. “I’m well trained there.”

Then Bucky’s lips were smothered in a deep delicious kiss, their tongues wrestling languidly. Bucky felt himself practically climbing on him as he kissed him. Steve’s arm wrapped around his waist and lifted him slight, and Bucky moaned again, practically swallowing his tongue now. He was just so damn turned on, feeling the tautness of Steve’s suit through his own clothes. It was just ridiculous what it was doing to him.

“So?” Steve asked as he finally managed to retrieve his lips from Bucky. “Feel like unwrapping your present?”

Bucky grinned and nipped at his neck, his slipper clad feet coming off the ground just a little. “Nah I think I’ll leave the wrapper on.” He breathed in his ear. “It’s more fun that way.”

He wanted him to fuck him wearing that suit. To grip that material in his hands as he was thrusting deep into him. It filled his head as a need, a fiery desire that needed to be quenched. He grinded himself against him, smiling at what he felt there. That hard heat that meant good things were coming his way shortly.

“Well..” Steve grabbing Bucky’s ass and lifting him into his arms. “If you insist Sergeant.”

Bucky smiled saucily, wrapping his legs around his waist. “I do Captain.”

Steve’s lips found Bucky’s neck for a moment, already putting a beautiful mark there. “But I’m afraid yours are gonna have to come off.”

“I can live with that arrangement.” Bucky breathed, his arms around Steve’s neck, head thrown back. “Do what you gotta do.”

Soon he was without his clothes, just his tags and his slippers, his legs around Steve’s neck, making all kinds of noises. He writhed as Steve, fully dressed in his suit, pleasured him with his fingers, his lips, his tongue in the most ungodly ways possible. Just the sight of it alone was enough to make him come. And he did, twice, the inarticulate noise coming out of him, as he gripped both the sheets and Steve’s head, panting as he was feasted on.

And then with just a slight adjustment to the suit, he was being fucked gloriously, his fingers skating over and gripping the material, his thighs wrapped around his hips, practically shouting his appreciation. Making good on his promise to wake the neighbors.  And if the windows had been open, he definitely would’ve.

Yes.  He definitely liked his Christmas present that’s for damn sure.

\--

Steve woke up in the early morning hours, with his arms around a sleeping Bucky, whose back was pressed, hell practically melded into his chest. It was like he fit perfectly there.  In fact, Bucky had been so exhausted from the day, and their activities later, that he had not even bothered to put any clothes on before he fell asleep. And once Steve had finally taken the suit off, he had elected to the same. So they were laying there like that, naked bodies pressed together and Steve thought there was no more perfect way to wake up on Christmas Day.

He ran hand lightly over Bucky’s hip, feeling that slight curve he had that helped create that perfect ass he’d been blessed with. Which was delicious pressed into Steve’s groin. He let his hand just explore under the covers and felt Bucky moan softly in his sleep and press back a little more into him almost instinctively.  The sensation was causing Steve get hard against him and he knew, even if he was asleep, Bucky could feel that.  So he nuzzled lips under Bucky’s hair and planted an open mouth kisses on the back of his neck, thinking maybe the best way to celebrate the holiday was to stay right here in bed with him.

So he pulled him against him a little more, running even more sensually over his hip and thigh as he sucked on his neck. He could hear Bucky moan softly, most likely waking up, and not the slightest bit put off by it.

“Good morning beautiful.” He whispered in his ear. “Merry Christmas.”

“Mmm hmm.” Bucky murmured, backing into his touch, a smile curving onto his lips. “You too.”

“You know what?” Steve whispered against his neck, working his way under his chin. “I think I’m not letting you out of bed today.”

“Is that so?” Bucky asked, turning his head to look at him with those sultry eyes of his.

“Oh yeah.” Steve answered, his lips brushing Bucky’s. “This is a gift keeps on giving sweetheart.”

He took those beautiful lips of his in a deep, smoldering kiss as if sealing the deal. He felt Bucky start to turn onto his stomach, pressing his ass against him as if challenging him to make good on that. Steve let go of his lips and got up on his elbows, yanking the blanket off so he could get a full view of his perfect body. His shoulders, his back, his absolutely perfect ass. Those beautiful thighs open for him. Thinking to himself this was all his to enjoy, so freely given to him, and he was going to spend all day doing it too.

“What are you waiting for punk?” Bucky asked over his shoulder, wiggling his ass in a teasing way. “Give me some of that.”

Steve climbed over him, knees between his legs and pulled that ass to him, leaning over him. “You asked for it.” He growled in his ear. “Now your going to get it.”

Bucky did not even look like he needed a warm-up today. Was ready to dive right into it. And Steve certainly had no problem indulging him. He was already painfully hard himself.  He pulled Bucky’s hips against him, and slowly slid all the way in, groaning at the feel of the way his body stretched around him. Hearing a drawn out moan escape Bucky’s throat, his face buried I the pillow.

Steve held him there, and then wrapped an arm around Bucky’s waist and pulled his back tight against his chest, wanting him close to him. Bucky’s knees slid apart until they were on either side of Steve’s, open wide for him as they sat there for just a moment, Steve buried deep him, his eyes fluttering as Steve’s lips ran over his neck.

“You feel so good inside beautiful..” Steve breathed in Bucky’s ear, giving him a teasing pump, causing him to moan thickly. “I love the way you take me in..”

Bucky seemed to whimper a little as Steve spoke against his neck. Lately he’d been starting to talk to more, seeing that Bucky really seemed to like it. He felt him push back against him, begging him to start moving. “Please.” He heard him ask, a beg coming into his voice. “Please.”

“There’s no need to hurry love.” Steve whispered in his ear, giving him another soft pump. “Seeing as how I’m planning on fucking you a lot today.”

Steve thought he actually heard Bucky whine like a dog at those words.  It caused him smile against his neck and bite him softly, eliciting another one. He liked that sound a lot actually.  He pumped into him a couple more times, softly, teasingly, wanting to make more of those sounds come out of him.

“Dammit punk..” Bucky told him, that whine coming into his voice. “Just.. fucking.. do it..”

Steve smiled and pushed deeper, causing a thick moan to come out of him. “If that’s what you want.” He breathed in his ear, gripping his hips hard now, getting ready. “Ask me nicely..”

He could see Bucky’s eyes get that wild look, not the dangerous one that concerned him, but that passionate one that caused his eyes to darken. The flicked to Steve over his shoulder, the heat and desire in them. “Fuck me.” He growled, pushing himself more onto Steve and adding. “Please..”

Steve smiled, putting his lips to his ear again. “As you wish.”

And with that he began moving hard against him, holding him to him, pulling beautiful whines, whimper and cries from his lips. His body pushing back against Steve’s, meeting each other’s thrusts beautifully Kicking the day off right.

Boy did he have plans for him today.  This was just the start of it.

\--

Steve was not kidding about keeping him there all day. He meant it.

Bucky was living in a beautiful haze of pleasure, bouts of fucking broken up by occasional naps and eating. He never put his clothes on once during it all. He felt like an animal in heat, unable to get enough of it. Just when he thought his body couldn’t possibly take any more, Steve’s lips were on some part of his body and he was drowning again.

He lay there at one point, Steve’s lips nuzzling his chest, his arms laid out by his side, eyes half-lidded, just staring up at the ceiling in that hazy, fucked out daze.  The air had that thick, musky smell of sex and he breathed it in, reveling in it, never wanting to leave it. It was just… perfect.

“We should spend Christmas like this every year.” He said, his voice scratchy from, well, using it so damn much. “Start a new tradition.”

Steve’s smiled against his skin. “Yeah.” He agreed, his fingers kneading Bucky’s thighs, eliciting a deep moan of appreciation in him. “I was thinking that too.”

Bucky took in a sharp breath as he felt Steve’s lips encircling a nipple and suck on it, his tongue doing a a delicious little circle. He licked and bit his lip, thinking there was not a single spot on his body that Steve’s hands or lips hadn’t been on today. He could feel him everywhere, inside and out, taste him on his lips and smell it in his nose. He had hit all 5 senses today and Bucky was almost on sensory overload as a result.  When he moved his lips to the other side, giving the other nipple some love, he could feel his nerves like up again.

Lifting his hand, he put it on his head, encouraging him to continue. Craving the pleasure that went through his body with every kiss and touch. He had done his damn well best to put his hands and lips on many places on Steve  as well, letting his fingers caress, his teeth nip, showing him just how much he appreciated it too. But he still couldn’t do that one thing he wanted to do so much.

He wanted to put his mouth on him and suck him so hard his head would pop off. But every time he’d gotten close to trying it these days he would freeze. Ever since he’d remembered that horrible memory, he had been unable to, and a part of him felt like he was failing him, denying him something he desereved. It made him feel so guilty sometimes. Even thought he never said it out loud.

“Steve?” He said tentatively, looking down at him, his hand on his hair. “I wish I could..”

“Sssh. “Steve told him, as if knowing what he was going to say. “It dosen’t matter.”

“It does..” He whispered, his eyes fluttering as Steve’s lips continued to move over his chest, fastening to some skin every so often. “Because you make me feel so good and I.. want to..”

Steve slid up a little, his body laying between Bucky’s open legs, and put his hands on his face. “Listen to me.” He told him, looking deep into his eyes. “You make me feel good every time too.” His thumbs moved over his face, stroking it softly. “The greatest pleasure I get is from pleasuring you.” His lips brushed over Bucky’s. “From making you feel good.”

Bucky swallowed, feeling emotional and a bit insecure, causing him to bite his lip. “Why?” He asked quietly, for some reason needing an answer.

“Because you deserve to feel good Buck.” Steve told him, still holding his face. “That’s why.”

Part of him still didn’t believe that but before Bucky could even respond to that sentiment, Steve smothered his lips in another kiss, sliding his hands down to his hips and stroking them beautifully before pulling them against him again. And soon he was inside him again, rocking against his body, not breaking the kiss just yet. Bucky moaned into his mouth, forgetting his doubts as that beautiful haze came over him again.

He felt Steve’s hands slide up his body, leaving fire trails before trailing over his shoulders and down his arms. His hands found Bucky’s, entwining their fingers together and pressing his hands against the mattress. His fingers flexed around Steve’s intimately at ever deep beautiful thrust into his body.

“I love you.” He whispered against Steve’s lips, meaning every word of it every time he said it.

He came gloriously again, losing track of how many times he had brought him to it today. His body completely wrecked with pleasure, his mind floating to that beautiful, safe place again where absolutely nothing hurt.  He had been there so many times today and he just lived in it happily.

When they had finally worn themselves out later that night, Bucky felt so pleasantly sore and exhausted, and  so very satisfied. He felt it his heart and all over his body, this sereneness that just took over him completely. His mind went nowhere near the bad places, all he could think about was that he felt beautiful and loved and that was all that mattered.

He curled up against Steve’s chest, wrapped up in his arms, purring like a kitten. A feeling of complete bliss enveloped him, and he fell in a long, deep and restful sleep.

\--

Steve woke up the next morning to the sound of his phone buzzing on the bed-stand. He had turned the volume off because, well, he’d been busy. A very good kind of busy. The ‘stay in bed and fuck each other brains out all day’ kind of busy and he wanted to no interruptions there. But the sound woke him up today and he grumbled a little, turning slight to reach for it, trying not to wake Bucky up as he did so,

Their bodies were still tangled around each other, still sans clothes. Bucky’s legs were wrapped around Steve’s and his arms were still around him, head tucked under his chin. It was hard to tell where one of them ended and where the other one began, which made moving difficult. But he managed to do it without even waking him.

Answering the phone, he listened and sighed to himself. Apparently, a situation had cropped up and they had to leave to take care of it relatively soon. He took another rueful sigh and told Tony he’d be there in a couple of hours, ignoring Tony’s protests about leaving sooner with patience.

“We don’t have all day Cap.”  Tony said irritably. “So peel yourself off of Barnes and get down here.”

Steve actually smiled at the accuracy of Tony’s statement. “Give me an hour and half I’ll be there.” He told him. It’s gonna take an hour with the traffic so have a little patience.”

“Sorry I’m fresh out.” Tony told him, sounding even m ore annoyed. “it’s last minuet for me and apparently for everyone else I’ve called too so just get your star-spangled ass hear as soon as possible.”

He actually chuckled at that, still feeling pretty good even though he had to leave. “Okay I’m on my way.”

Hanging up the phone, he extracted himself from Bucky’s arms, who still hadn’t woken yet.  Steve heard him grumble a little as Steve got up, wrapping his arms around the pillow. Steve took a moment to appreciate how adorable he looked, those luscious lips of his parted, dark lashes laying against his cheeks with sexed up, bed head hair spread all over the pillow. Never mind he was still completely naked under the blanket as well. It was very difficult to leave the bed that was for damn sure. Leaning over, he kissed his head and saw him wiggle his face and smile in his sleep.

Man, this was really hard. But he had to go.

Getting himself a quick shower and then dressed, he brewed some coffee for them both when Bucky finally elected to get out of bed, that was.  He drank a cup of coffee and ate a quick breakfast before going back in the bedroom and rousing him from sleep. He hated to do it but, he was wasn’t going to leave without saying goodbye.

“Bucky.” He asked, hand on his face. “Wake up.”

“What?” Bucky asked groggily his eyes still closed. “I wanna sleep.”

“I know but I got called in.” He explained. “I gotta go.”

Bucky’s eyes opened, bleary from sleep, not quiet comprehending those words yet. “Huh?” He asked, rubbing his stubbled face, which Steve thought was so adorable. “Go where?”

“Got a mission.” He told him, sitting on the bed next to him. “Came up quick and I don’t have much time.”

Understanding filled Bucky’s eyes and he got up on an elbow. “Fuck.” He said under his breath. “Right now?”

“Yeah.” He said, brushing some of that terribly mussed up hair back. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright.” Bucky replied, smiling a little. “Gotta do what you gotta do.”

Steve smiled back at him, thinking of the day before. Christmas Day. Spending the whole day just loving on each other, hardly ever leaving the bed and he longed to go back and relive it again. Thinking he could stay in that bed with him forever just like that if he was allowed to.

“Should only be a couple of days I promise.” He told him, his hand sliding down and cupping his face. “So until then.”

He leaned over and kissed him, not rushing it in the slightest. It’s not like Tony could leave without him, no matter how grumpy he was. He slid his hand into Bucky’s hair and made the most of that kiss, feeling Bucky’s hands on his neck, the metal flexing softly against his skin, and had to fight the urge to just get back in the bed and forget about everything again. But he had responsibilities and forced himself to pull himself to pull away, resting his head against his for a moment, catching his breath.

“Be careful punk.” He heard Bucky whispered to him. “I love you.”

“I will I promise.” He replied, pulling back finally. “And I love you too.”

He got up and left the room as quickly as he could.  If he had to look back into those deep blue eyes, knowing full well he was naked under those covers, he would not have ben able to leave. So he didn’t. Just grabbed the bag in the kitchen and left the house and Bucky behind for a few days.

Tony was pissed when he got there, nobody looked happy in fact. “It’s about time Rogers.” Tony said with usual snark. “Any later and you’d have to borrow Wilson’s wings.”

Sam wasn’t even on this one Steve knew. He had things to do at the VA and that gave Steve comfort that he he’d around and knowing that Bucky helped out there with him, so he relaxed.  Knowing Tony most likely had to peel himself away from Pepper as well and that might be why he was so damn grumpy.

So he got on the quinjet and got ready, hoping this wouldn’t take too long for all their sakes.

\--

Bucky was having a pretty damn good day, hell a damn good couple of days since getting his clean bill of health, and despite the fact that Steve had been gone for a day and a half now on that impromptu mission, was feeling pretty good. It’s why he never saw it coming.

He was still slightly sore from their Christmas day celebration, but he could care less. It was well worth it in his mind. He hadn’t felt quite this crisp, physical and mentally in a while. Feeling loose and aired out. Even Sam had noticed he was less grumpy than usual as he picked him up to go to the VA that day.

He liked going there. Not just for his therapy sessions, but also to sit in on Sam’s group sessions, and help him out. It gave him a sense of purpose and belonging. And some of the people in the group had startied talking to him too, seemingly finding him easy to talk to in spite of the fact that he still had a lot of personal space issues. And that day one of them had surprised as he was putting the chairs back.

“I know who you are.” The guy had said, causing Bucky to look up at him. “You’re names is Barnes right? James Barnes?”

Bucky braced himself, waiting for either the derisive comment about his actions, or, even worse being peppered with questions about it. “Yeah I am.” He responded, keeping his face neutral.  But the guy surprised him.

“I’ve seen you here a lot lately, helping out and I wanted to say thank you.”  He told him, reaching out a hand to shake.  “It means a lot to see you here.”

Bucky looked at his hand for a moment, shocked by that. And even more shocked that he actually shook. “It does?” He asked, curiously. “Why?”

“I was a Prisoner of War in Iraq. “ The guy told him, feeling comfortable enough apparently to talk to him about this. “They didn’t have me as long as those bastards had you but, they did some pretty awful things, things I can’t get out of my head.” Bucky saw the truth of this in the guys eyes as he kept talking. “I only started coming here recently and I saw you here, after everything they did you and it just… I guess it just gives me some hope you know?”

Bucky looked at him, shocked, not sure what to say to this. He hadn’t even considered his presence to be helpful to anyone and to have some stranger say it was almost overwhelming. “Thank you.” He finally pushed out. “And I’m sorry you had to deal with that. “

“I’m sorry you did too.” The guy said, with a genuineness in his voice. “You may not know it or believe it but, you’re an inspiration to a lot of people here. “

Once again he felt surprised. “I am?”

“Yeah, because if you can still survive after everything they did to, can still get out of bed and function than anyone can.” The guy told him, and Bucky could tell he was being sincere. “Then I can.”

Bucky wanted to tell him it wasn’t easy. And there were days when he couldn’t function well at all. When he’d given up hope. Even though today he felt pretty damn good, he knew he could have a setback at any time. But he hadn’t realized that yes, he was still here, still functioning in spite of it. It gave him pause.

“Thank you.” Bucky said, meaning it sincerely.

The guy smiled back. “No thank you Sergeant Barnes.”

“Bucky.” He corrected, not harshly. “Call me Bucky.”

“Alright.” The guy replied, reaching out to shake his hand again. “Guess I’ll see you next week Bucky.”

He hadn’t even realized Sam had witnessed the entire exchange until they were at the diner later, getting a late lunch. “You know you’re pretty good at that.”

Bucky looked up from his sandwich. “Good at what?” He asked, confused. “Eating a sandwich.”

“No stupid.” Sam sassed. “I was talking about earlier. With that guy.”

He turned his mind to that for a moment. “Oh yeah him.” He answered, taking another bite of his sandwich. “Yeah he was just telling me what happened to him in Iraq.”

“Well that’s what I mean.” Sam said, eyeing him intently. “He felt comfortable enough to talk to you about it. Seeing as how he hadn’t spoken up until today and it was to you.”

Bucky dropped his eyes for a moment, thinking that, like him, he hadn’t seen that guy talk yet either.  And how weird it had been to be approached by him. “Yeah I suppose.” He shrugged.

“What I’m saying is, I could use some permanent help.” He told him, drinking some coffee. “So I can go on some missions if I want and I don’t have to worry about rescheduling the group. “

Bucky blinked at him. “You offering me a job?” He asked incredulously. “You know I’m a bit unstable right?”

“Yeah I am dumbass.” Sam told him, chuckling a bit, ignoring the second part of what he’d said.  “You may not realize it, but your quiet and  you let people talk to you and that’ what a lot of people there need, someone to listen.” He smiled softly then. “You could help people. And it would be good for you too. Just think about it.”

He did, realizing he needed another purpose in life now, other than just being with Steve. Something of his own, that made him feel like he was making a difference somewhere. A way to cleanse his soul and redeem himself in some way.  It was a tempting idea.

“I’ll think about it.” He said finally, finishing his soda, and popping his anti-biotics grimacing at the taste even with the Coke. “I will.”

“Don’t think too hard.” Sam said with a smirk. “Don’t want to hurt that pretty little head of yours.”

Bucky laughed, thinking he used that one Steve a lot. “Fuck off.” He replied good humoredly. “I gotta go take a piss.”

Sam laughed as Bucky got up. “Thanks for the information asshole.”

Bucky smirked. “Anytime shithead. “

He was in the stall a little while later, he still had a thing about using the urinals for some reason, feeling more comfortable in the stalls despite the confined space. Was just finishing up when it happened.

The bathroom had a damn light like the one at the seafood place at the lake, and it was flickering annoyingly. It irritated him, giving him a headache, and he didn’t understand why it was so hard to change a damn light bulb sometimes. And then he heard it.

The sound of boots clacking on the concrete floor. He turned and saw them right outside the stall.  Black boots. The sound they made, the sight of them along with the flickering light and suddenly he wasn’t in that bathroom anymore.

He was in The room.

_He was on all fours, spitting blood out of his mouth, his head aching, ears ringing from the blow. Looking up under his hair he saw the boots, the black ones standing in front of him. The light flickered overhead, creating a strange strobe effect._

_“Come here Soldier.” A voice said in Russian._

_The command in the voice saying if he didn’t want any more pain, he would do it. So he did, walking on his hands and knees until he was right in front of those boots. He didn’t dare look up. Not unless he was commanded to. A hand grabbed his hair violently, pulling him to his knees._

_“Do it.” The voice said, an order he had to obey, or he would hurt a lot worse._

_And he did, closing his eyes, imagining he was somewhere else, with a person whose name and face he cold barely remember. Hiding from this humiliation as much as he could. Tears squeezing out of his eyes._

_“That’s good Soldier.” The voice said, pulling his head more again him. “Very good.”_

Then he was back in the bathroom, kneeling on the floor, his breathing ragged, that horrible taste still in his mouth. And suddenly he was sick. He spun around on his knees and promptly threw up his lunch in toilet, his hair handing around his face. There were tears in his eyes.  All the good feeling from the the last few days gone in one shot.

His goddamn mind did it to him again. Like it couldn’t let him rest. Couldn’t let him forget.

“Barnes?” He heard Sam ask from outside the stall. “You okay in there?”

He realized in a horrified panic that he’d probably been in there a while. That’s why Sam was checking on him. He flushed the toilet almost absently. “I’m aright.” He answered, trying to get himself under control. “Just got a little sick that’s all.” And then added. “Think it’s the anti-biotics.” 

Sam didn’t answer that right away, seemed to wait on him. Bucky ran his hands through his hair and tried to compose himself before opening the door to face him. And could see by Sam’s face when he got one look at him, that he didn’t believe that all.

“It happened again didn’t it?” He asked as Bucky turned and went to the sink. “And don’t’ bother lying.”

It irritated him that Sam could see it that so easily on his face. And when h e looked up he could see why. He as pale, his eyes wide and pupils dilated, even looking a little red. He closed them and leaned on the sink, still breathing hard.

“Yeah.” He admitted. “It did.”

Sam knew better than to try and touch him, just leaned on the sink next to him. “Wanna talk about it?”

Bucky shook his head. “No.” He told him, turning his head to look at him, his eyes in pain. “I can’t.” He took a deep, shaky breath. “I just want to go home.”

“Alright.” Sam said softly. “I’ll take you home.”

The bill had already been paid so they could just leave, making sure to grab their jackets. He didn’t say anything on the ride back to his house, just stared out the window. And Sam didn’t try to push him either. For which he was profoundly grateful.

When they got there Sam made sure Bucky was inside and settle in before engaging him one more time. “You sure you’re gonna be alright?”

“Yeah.” Bucky told him, his eyes saying he just wanted to be left alone. “I’ll be okay.”

“You got my number if you need anything okay?” He told him. “Any time you hear me?”

“I know.” He replied and then added. “Thanks Sam.”

Sam nodded and soon left him alone. Bucky knew he probably shouldn’t be alone after that but there was no way no he could talk to Sam about _that._ He couldn’t even talk to Steve or his therapist about it. There was too much shame. To much humiliation. He just couldn’t admit it directly, couldn’t say it out loud.

The vision popped back into his head with horrible clarity. Painted in harsh black and white. And red, lest not forget the red. The color of blood crisscrossing his vision. The color of the star that used to be on his arm. The only color they had ever allowed him to have besides black.

He sat on the couch, leaning over, his arms crossed over his chest, lost in his own head, trying to get the vision out, but it just wouldn’t leave him.

\--

Steve was just about exhausted when he walked through the door. Just about ready to just curl up with Bucky and go to sleep. Thinking it sounded pretty good actually. He walked in, looking for him, seeing his jacket just laying n the kitchen chair.

It wasn’t where he usually put it, which was the first sign of something off. He was stickler for putting it in the closet, almost anal about it. And it wasn’t hung on the chair, just tossed on it haphazardly. 

“Bucky?” He called out, looking for him. He didn’t answer and Steve was suddenly really worried.

Walking into the living room he was relieved to see him there, letting out a sigh of relief. And then he got a good look at him.  He was hunched over, his arms crossed. He looked up at Steve and he saw a painful, hollow look in them.

“Bucky?” Steve asked worriedly. “Are you okay?”

Without answering Bucky stood up, shockingly quickly and threw his arms around Steve’s neck, almost knocking him over with the force of it. He stumbled back to get his balance and wrapped his arms around him tightly, feeling him bury his face in his neck.

“What’s wrong?” He asked him, placing a hand on the back of Bucky’s head, feeling him shaking. “Talk to me please.”

Bucky pulled back, looking at Steve with his haunted blue eyes. He could see pain and desperation in them. Fear. It frightened him to see this because he he’d so happy lately and now this.

“I can’t.” He told him, leaning close to him. “I just… can’t..”

  “Please.” Steve said softly to him holding his face in his hands. “Just tell me what to do.”

Bucky stared at him a moment longer and then just kissed him hard. Desperately, practically climbing on him. There was such a desperate need to it. Steve could feel it in the way he was clutching at him. He just knew what he wanted, what he needed at this moment. He just wasn’t sure he wanted to give it to him. Wasn’t sure if it was right. He was torn.

“Bucky.” He said, pulling away from the kiss. “Are you sure that’s what you really want?”

He looked in his eyes, searching them. He didn’t see any evidence of the Winter Soldier in them. Didn’t see any indication that he wanted to be punished or hurt. He just saw pain and a desperate need for comfort and connection. And Steve was still not sure if it was the right thing for him or not indulge this. Not sure he was even thinking straight. But completely at loss as to what to do because he was refusing to even talk about it at this point.

“I don’t know.”  Bucky said with what looked like total honesty. “I just need you.” He leaned his head against Steve’s. “Please.”

Steve nodded, knowing he was going to let him do this today. He’d missed him terribly and seeing in this state of disarray hurt him. Made him want to help him whatever way he could, even if he wasn’t a hundred percent certain it was healthy. All he knew was that Bucky just needed him right now

 He wrapped his arms around Bucky’s waist, lifting him up into his arms. He felt his legs go around him and his hands on Steve’s face, kissing him desperately again. Leaving his bag right there in the living he carried him into the bedroom, and they divested each other of their clothes. He let Bucky push him down on the bed and get on top of him, straddling him, the desperate need in his eyes.

“You’re not okay.” He said softly, putting his hands on Bucky’s face as he leaned over him. “I know you’re not.”

 Bucky bit his lips. “No, I’m not.” He said honestly, looking down at Steve with those eyes, those deep wells of pain. “And I’m sorry.”

“I understand.” He told him, resting his hands on Bucky’s hips as he sat there. “It’s okay.”

He thought he saw a flash of pain and guilt in his eyes, as if knew what was doing wasn’t necessarily right. Maybe wasn’t healthy. And it did seem like a setback to some degree. But that was going to happen as well. Sometimes it was going to be like this. And Steve told him his eyes as well that was perfectly okay right now. If he needed to do this it was okay.

Soon he was riding him hard, desperately trying to push away whatever nightmare was nipping at his heels And Steve let himself feel it, gave it back to him, pushing into him as he was pushing down on him, letting Bucky use him to escape for a while. He held onto him, watching him take what he needed from him. Sliding his hands up to his face to look up into him eyes, telling him with his own that he loved him, and saw it reflected in his eyes too, mixing with the desperation and need, that to Steve made him tragically beautiful.

And he him just let it go, giving him what he wanted, letting him fuck him until he finally came, shuddering and collapsing onto Steve in a heap.  Bucky then buried his face into his shoulder as his arms wrapped around him, holding him tight against his chest. Steve pressed his face into Bucky’s hair, feeling him shake in his arms.

“Whatever it is.” He whispered into his hair. “It’s alright.”

“I just.. I I really missed you.”  Bucky said against his shoulder, just laying on him. His arm wrapped tightened around Steve’s waist, nuzzling his face against his collarbone.

“I know.” Steve whispered into his hair. “I missed you too.” He ran his hand comfortingly over Bucky’s hip and back, soothing him. “But I’m here now.”

He felt Bucky nuzzle his face into his shoulder, tightening his arm around him as he lay there. He wanted him to know that when he was ready, he could talk to him. Assuring him he had no plans to go anywhere for now. So he wrapped him up into his arms a little tighter, feeling Bucky tuck his head into Steve’s necks as if wanting to hide there for a while.

“I love you.” Bucky whispered into his neck, his voice shaky, on the edge of barely controlled emotion.

Steve combed his fingers through his hair, turning on his side a little more to hold him tighter. “I love you too.” He said softly, giving him a soft kiss. “No matter what.”

He knew sooner or later he would have to get him to talk about it. But for right now he just comforted him as best he could. Keeping him safe for the time being. It was really all he could do for now.  And he spent the rest of the late afternoon and even doing just that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well as you can see this chapter featured a flashback. A painful one. It did seem to be going good with Bucky but PTSD is insidious like this and can hit those suffering from at random times when they are not expecting it. Setbacks happen without warning which is why it's so horrible when it does. And Bucky's subsquent behvoir my seem reminsicent of his behavior earlier in the fic but Steve does react slightly different to it this time. 
> 
> Their first Christmas together since the war was important for me to show. And boy do they know how to celebrate don't they? ;) Steve's ugly sweater notwithstanding LOL. 
> 
> And how Bucky chose to celebrate Christmas Eve, by volunteering to serve dinner a the VA is a sign of things to come for his future. Along with Sam's offer. I like the idea that Bucky would want to help out in ways like this, helping people like him. And that's how he feels he's helping people. I happen to like that idea for him to be honest. 
> 
> The Brooklyn Bridge thing was inspired by a line I heard in a song and thought why not right? Let them live in the moment right? These two deserve it. 
> 
> Next chapter will feature that difficult conversation and therefore I may have attach and extra warning to the notes if it goes into nay kind of detail. I never go into too much on that because of the subject matter, but it's conversation that need to had. 
> 
> And thank you for the lovely comments <3<3


	14. The Dark Place

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is very angsty (may sound redudant bc the fic is lol) and features a conversation about a very sensitive subject. I will have more notes on it at the end.

He hit the bag hard, feeling the satisfying give when you got a really good blow in. The punching bag actually swayed away from him from the force of the hit and when it swung back, he hit again with the same force. He did the really forceful blows with his right hand because if he did it with the metal one, he would’ve probably put it right though the window or the wall.

Bucky had taken up this again as a means of getting his strength back after being sick. But he remembered that he had enjoyed doing this when he was younger, had been good at boxing actually before those skills were corrupted and used for.. other things.

Steve had a weight room and Bucky was utilizing it today to take out some frustrations out. Mostly on the bag. He’d been feeling a bit of it over the last few days. Since his mind had decided it wasn’t done tormenting him and threw another roadblock in his way.

Both Amelia and Sam had told him that setbacks would happen, that his mind was still healing and it wasn’t a linear process, but it hadn’t made it any less frustrating for him. Things had been going well until that flashback had happened and since then he was back into the old familiar turmoil again.

His nightmares had returned after giving him a reprieve. A Christmas break of sorts he supposed. A couple had been so bad that he’d woken up screaming, his still recovering lungs strained badly. Steve had actually had to restrain him from falling off the bed a few times and their sleep was getting interrupted again.

He was edgy and more curt than usual, and it was tough to keep a lid on it around others.  It had broken out in his therapy session this afternoon when he’d admitted more than he intended.

Because the truth was, he was also feeling guilty.  For a variety of reasons, most of which centered around Steve.

The fact that he couldn’t talk to him about it for one. The person he was the most intimate with, the one he trusted the most, he was holding back on. Every time he even thought he could come close to broaching the subject, part of his mind shut him down, feeling the shame of it and the irrational fear that Steve would see him differently if he knew the details.  He knew Steve loved him, would always love him but that fear and shame were there just the same, clouding his ability to see it clearly.

He guilty about the fact that he couldn’t reciprocate the pleasure he’d given him, and feeling that Steve deserved more than that. Feeling that he was taking more than he was giving, despite Steve’s assurances to the contrary.

And there was that shameful way he felt over using him like he had that day. He had actually done this a couple of times since. The old fucking to avoid talking thing, and it bothered him on a deep level that he’d sort of fallen back on this old destructive habit. It bothered him more that Steve didn’t seem to mind that he was doing it.

He had let it slip that he was feeling guilty, which of course led to a question from her that he just couldn’t answerer. At least not honestly. The question as to why he was feeling that way. He knew Amelia knew he was bullshitting her, but she never pushed the issue.  She simply told him that whatever he was dealing with he should write down, and that maybe by their next session he might able to talk about it. 

She was like Steve in that way, almost too goddamn patient sometimes, because he knew himself well enough to know he’d keep putting it off. Just like he was doing with Steve.

So here he was, pounding a punching bag, getting out the frustration with himself until he was exhausted. He gave it one more hard punch and then just leaned over on his knees, catching his breath.

Walking over to the mat he sat down and grabbed a water bottle and drank about half of it. Just sitting there in his shorts and t-shirt with his arms resting on his knees. His eyes flicked to the notebook he’d brought in with him and considered it for a moment before leaning over and grabbing it, deciding maybe the writing wouldn’t be a bad idea right now.

He shifted until he was sitting cross-legged and leaned over, writing down his thoughts into the notebook. Every so often he would shift his shoulder, which ached a little from the sparring session. Once he started writing it seemed to flow out of him, like his hand had transferred his thoughts effortlessly on the paper. It was sometimes easier than to articulate it with words, which was precisely why Amelia had suggested this line of therapy in the first place.

It was helping him in a lot of ways.

Bucky was so engrossed in it that he didn’t even Steve come in the room until his arms slide around him from behind, causing him to jump a little and look over his shoulder at him crossly. “You know Rogers that’s how people get killed.”

Steve chuckles, his lets now bend on either side of Bucky. “I’m not afraid of you.” He told him, nuzzling his face under Bucky’s ponytail. “Tough day beautiful?”

Bucky smiled at the nickname, Steve seemed to like calling him that. Even though he didn’t feel that he was most of the time, part of him realized that might’ve been why Steve kept using it just the same.

“Yeah you could say that.” He answered with a deep sigh, writing another sentence in the notebook. “It’s not one of my better ones that’s for sure.”

“Wanna talk about it?” Steve asked, resting his chin on Bucky’s shoulder.

Bucky contemplated that question a little, pausing his writing to stare forward for a moment. Thinking maybe he should at least try to talk to him. To at least make some kind of an effort here.

“I feel like I… said a little more than I wanted to today.” He told him, letting himself leaned back against him a little. “I mean I know it’s therapy and I’m supposed to talk but..” He closed his eyes for a moment. “It’s hard.”

‘Well that’s what those are for aren’t they?” Steve asked, motioned to the notebook in his hand. “To help you with that?”

Bucky looked down at it and closed the notebook, almost as if caught. “Yeah I suppose.”

Steve seemed to notice this action. “I didn’t read anything you wrote you know that right?” He told him, rubbing his arms softly. “I wouldn’t do that to you.”  He kissed his shoulder and Bucky’s eyes fluttered closed again at the feel of it “Those your thoughts and they’re none of my business unless you want to tell me.”

“I know it’s just… old habits I guess.” He admitted, looking down at the notebook. “I mean they read them so.”

Steve knew who he was talking about without needing an explanation. Those notebooks he’d had in Romania, to help put his head back together had been scoured through for evidence against him and others and Bucky was still sore about that particular violation. To the point where he was very protective about their contents, even if knew Steve would never read them. There was still that little paranoia and that need for something that was just.. his.

 “You never have to worry about it okay?” He heard Steve say into his ear, wrapping his arms around his waist. “I promise you that.”

“I know.” Bucky replied, his voice quiet and thoughtful, leaning back against Steve a little.

He felt Steve’s hands rub his shoulders and felt a little twinge of soreness in the right one. Steve seemed to notice this as well because he winced slightly under his fingers. “Been using the right arm mostly huh?” He asked him, kneading it a little more. “Gotta even that out.”

“Yeah I know but.” He sighed under Steve’s fingers. “If I used the left one the bag would be sticking out of the wall right now.”

“So?” Steve said, right in his ear. “I can always fix the wall.” He gave him a soft kiss on the sore shoulder. “You gotta stop being afraid of it.”

Bucky turned his head in confusion. “Afraid of what?”

“Of this.” He answered and ran his hand down the metal arm, letting his hand rest on Bucky’s. “And of yourself.”

God sometimes he hated how he could peek right into his head like that. Like he could read his mind or something. It made him feel defensive and vulnerable sometimes. But there was a part of him that liked that too. Because unlike the others who had gotten into his head, Steve didn’t use it to hurt him or twist him up.  He looked down at Steve’s hand and realized he had tape on his hands too, like he was planning on hitting the bag a little himself. Bucky just hadn’t noticed because he couldn’t feel it through his shirt.

And before he even had time to respond to what he’d said, Bucky was being pulled to his feet. “Come on.” Steve said, motioning him over to the bag. “Let’s do some more.”

He found himself standing in front of the bag again and Steve circled around behind him, putting his own left hand over Bucky’s and curling the metal fingers into a fist. He was right up behind him again, very close, he could feel his breath on the back of his neck. The only person that could get that close.  The only person he trusted completely. And damn if he didn’t like the way that felt.

“I don’t need a boxing lesson Steve.” He told him, feigning irritableness to disguise how hot it made him to have him pressed against his back that. “I know how to do it.”

“I know that jerk.” Steve answered, not put out by this. His hand resting on the upper part of Bucky’s metal arm. “I just want to see what you can do with this arm that’s all.”

Bucky smiled a little knowingly. “I can do a lot of things with it.” He sassed, unable to help himself.

“I know.” Steve said right into his ear, with a hint of huskiness that loosened Bucky’s insides slightly. “You can show me that later.”  He took his hand off his arms now and put them on his waist. “But right now, I want you to let some of that bad stuff out.”

“If I do that.” Bucky added, feeling his metal fingers fist a little harder. “I could destroy the room.”

“It dosen’t matter.” Steve told him, his lips still at his ear. “Just let it go..” His hands held his waist softly but firmly. “It’s okay.”

Bucky flexed the metal fingers, letting his frustrations and anger flow into the arm. All his guilt and shame over what had been done to him and his inability to talk about it. He focused all his energy into it and swung the arm forward in a boxer’s punch, hitting the bag hard and square and seeing it fly back in a 90 degree swing, the arm absorbing the force of the punch, the kinetic energy starting to build. It didn’t hurt his shoulder like the previous one had. It was much better made. As the bag swung down, he met it again with even more force and sent it flying in the air again.

That energy flowing through his arm felt so good, sending a bolt of adrenaline through his body.

His vision took on that slightly red cast when the anger started to flow into the punches for real this time. Not a held back anger but a real one.  His teeth clamped together as he put all the force he could muster into it, alternating his arms occasionally. The left arm provided much more of a satisfying hit the right. It felt like it was connected the emotional center of his brain because that anger seemed to flow into that arm and power. He could feel Steve’s hands on his waist, steadying him as he stood behind him, his face in his hair as he just let him go.

He thought of Zola leaning over him. The bag swung high again.

The machine coming down on his head. He smashed it coming down again.

The boots in front of his face. He smashed it harder, it practically bounced off the ceiling that time.

Every abuse and humiliation inflicted upon him, and he just demolished that bag, the stuffing was coming out of it in some places.

It felt good to really let the anger fly. Felt safe with Steve standing right behind, grounding him as he did.

Finally he pulled back a swing that hit the bag hard enough to send it flying across the room, slamming into the far wall. The seam coming apart the force of it. He stood there staring at it, panting from the exertion. His body thrumming with energy, radiating out from that arm.

“How’d that feel?” Steve asked in his ear. His breath tickling Bucky’s neck.

Bucky’s adrenaline was up, feeling a surprisingly immense satisfaction of not only knocking the bag of the hook but actually knocking the stuffing out of it. He felt the color high in his cheeks and blood racing with the feeling of it. He spun in his arms and kissed him fiercely, practically climbing onto him in the process. He felt Steve lift him slightly as their lips smashed together.

“I fucking destroyed that thing.” He murmured against his lips, grinning proudly.

“You sure did.” Steve replied, pulling him tighter against him. “And you looked damn good doing it sweetheart.”

He rested his head against Steve’s, his arms around his neck, feeling that kinetic energy running up and  down that arm still. Like a soft vibration. Feeling the power in his head as well, lighting up avenues of awareness. He had power, he knew it, his emotions fueled it, made it stronger. Maybe even more dangerous as a result. Because anger was an emotion and he realized he had a lot of it in him. It was something he was afraid of. The darkness that crept on the edges of it. It was as if he’d absorbed every blow ever thrown in his direction, every injury inflicted, physical or emotional and bottled in this explosive element that could do some serious shit if he let it.

He’d bottled it into the Winter Soldier to be precise. And Hydra had just figured out how to hone it. And after he’d escaped from them, he’d spent a good deal of energy keeping that part of himself down. And he was tired, losing his grip on it. And that letting go was starting to feel like a relief, no matter how terrifying it might be.

“I did huh?” He said, smiling and catching Steve’s lips again teasingly. “It did kinda feel good I have to admit.” He kissed him again, pressing into him. “Fucking great actually.”

“Hmm..” Steve whispered against his lips, lifting him a little more. “Maybe I should let you destroy more stuff then.”

“You’d let me do that?”

Steve pressed his lips back into Bucky’s again. “I’d do anything for you.”

Bucky actually grinned this time, turned on by the sentiment. His hands were hands in Steve’s hair and that kiss became more heated. His whole body was still thrumming with the energy now, and he wondered if Steve could feel it too, flowing out of him as he kissed him hungrily, wanting to release more of it. In a different way this time.

“You know what punk?” Bucky asked, pulling his lips away and looking down at him thoughtfully. “I don’t think we’ve fucked in  here yet.”

He saw Steve think for a moment, which was always cute. “I think your right.” He replied, his hands straying to Bucky’s ass. “Maybe we should um.. remedy that.”

Bucky was all for it. And pretty soon they were on the floor, their clothes strewn everywhere, not far from the remains of what used to the punching bag, adding another room to their list. And Bucky let the energy flow and enjoyed every goddamn minute of it.

\--

Steve smiled to himself as he laid with Bucky on the mat, both of them naked and exhausted. The room was a goddamn mess. He had annihilated that punching bag and parts of were scattered all over the place. Along with their clothes of course.

Neither of which felt particularly important right now.

Just seeing him releasing that energy had been something, feeling it run through him as he held his waist, had been an experience. He had felt that thrumming in Bucky’s body, radiating from the arm and felt how strong he really was he let it loose. Thinking Hydra had no clue about the real force they’d helped to create. Although Steve was loathed to give them credit for that. They had hurt him to do that. The real force, the real energy, the real strength came from Bucky himself. From his anger and pain over it. And from his inner strength. And Steve loved and admired that. He was a survivor and it showed.

“I guess we can scratch this room off the list.” Bucky mused, his head resting comfortably on Steve’s shoulder.

“Oh yeah.” Steve agreed, turning slightly to look at him. “That was.. interesting.”

Bucky chuckled and nuzzled his chest. “Interesting huh?” Bucky sassed, nipping at his skin a little. “Is that how you’d describe what you just did to me Captain?”

Steve did have to admit, watching Bucky just destroy that bag hadn’t just impressed him, it had turned him on fiercely as well. The high color in his cheeks, the slightly unhinged look in his eyes. He knew it was cathartic for him to release some of that anger, which was why he’d encouraged it, but it had also been quite arousing as well. The way his body moved and twisted in his hands, muscles flexing in his back as his fists tore into the bag.

The fingers marks on Bucky’s hips and the bite marks on his neck had showed just how much of a turn it was.  

Remembering pressing his body to the mat, pounding him senseless as Bucky moaned and cried out, clutching him with his hands, the metal fingers still radiating energy as they gripped him. The way his ankles locked around him as he fucked back against him, wanting more. It had been very satisfying to be honest.

“Well you did look pretty damn hot destroying my stuff Sergeant.” He told him, letting his hand roam over Bucky’s ass. “Just couldn’t help myself.”

“Well I’m not complaining.” Bucky said as he nipped him playfully again, pressing his ass against Steve’s hand. “I like when you ravage me doll.”

Steve smiled down at him, giving that  beautiful ass of his a good squeeze. “I aim to please.”

Bucky grazed his lips over Steve’s chest again, giving one of his pecs a playful bite, before sliding up to kiss him. “Well then.” He breathed to him and caught his lips in a searing kiss. “I am very pleased…”

Steve smiled into it, fisted Bucky’s hair with his other hand pulling him onto him a little more with his other hand, which still had an ample helping of Bucky’s ass in it. He was happy that Bucky had a little stress relief again. He’d been off a little bit, even since he’d gotten home from the last-minute mission. And hadn’t wanted to talk about it at all. He had learned to let it go until he was ready to discuss it, however long that took.

So for now he dropped it and just enjoyed their domesticity and their new explorations of each other. It was fun. And Bucky needed this normalcy too. To rediscover himself in all kinds of ways. Ones that didn’t’ hurt for once.

They continued to kiss and grope each other right there on the floor, heating each other up again. Bucky actually pulled himself over him, his legs bent on either side of Steve’s. His sexed up hair was completely out of his ponytail and hanging in his face, his blue eyes glinting at him with mischief. He ran his tongue over those swollen, well-kissed lips provocatively. He was totally keyed up, his gorgeous body on full display for Steve’s hungry eyes.

God he was so fucking hot. Steve wondered if he had any idea just how much he turned him on sometimes. “Fuck.” Steve breathed, grabbing his ass again with both hands now. Hepulled himself up and attacking his neck with his lips, wanting to leave more marks on him.

“Wow Stevie..” Bucky reprimanded, moaning as Steve sunk his teeth into his neck. “You got such a filthy mouth..”

Steve growled, flipping him back down onto his back and leaned over him. “And you fucking love it jerk.” He told him, pressing against him, running his lips teasingly over his throat and up to his chin.

Bucky moaned, body arching against him. “You bet your ass I do.” He replied, grabbing Steve’s ass as if to empathize the point. “So shut the fuck punk up and put it to good use.”

He did. And a good time was had by all.

\--

“So have you told him yet?”

Bucky looked at him over the menu in confusion. “Told him what?”

“About what happened last week.” Sam said as he drank his coffee. “You know in the bathroom.”

He put the menu down and looked out the frosty window at the street. It was a cold January day and they were on their weekly excursion to the VA, getting their regular meal at the diner. Bucky knew exactly what Sam was referring to and didn’t want to get into it. Was trying to put that out of his mind. Very unsuccessfully over the last week to be honest.

“No.” He admitted. “No reason to.” He turned back to look at him. “I’m fine.”

“You know, you might be able to bullshit Steve with that crap but not me.” Sam said in that same almost irritating, smart ass tone. “I saw you that day and you weren’t fine.”

“Well I’m okay now.” He snapped a little irritably, which did not seem to phase Sam at all. “And I already got a head shrinker thank you very much.”

“Did you tell her about it?”

Bucky looked at him as if caught, because he hadn’t done that either. He looked away again, not bothering to answer because Sam clearly knew the answer to it.

“Look Barnes, whatever you’re hiding from, it’s not gonna go away okay.” He told him, his voice taking on a smother, softer tone. “Not until you deal with it.” He took another drink of his coffee. “You’re hiding things from people that are trying to help you and that’s not a good thing is all I’m saying.”

Bucky looked at him crossly, feeling caught and not really liking it. “I can handle it.”

“I’ve heard that before.” Sam replied, not missing a beat. “From people nowhere near as screwed up as you are. You think you’re handling it, but the truth is, it’s handling you.”

Bucky didn’t have an answer for that. Part of him knowing he was right. Even if he couldn’t admit it. It had made him somewhat quiet and introspective the rest of the day as a result. Which was notable to Steve when he got home. And he continued to brush off any attempts to ask what was wrong, to the point where he just about snapped at him at one point.

It was taking its toll, there was no doubt. He was not handling it as well he thought.

He woke up screaming later that night, vision of the looming shadow falling over him. A faceless monster that stalked him not only in his sleep but his waking hours now as well. For a moment he was confused, feeling the hands restraining him on the bed, and fighting back against it until he realized it was Steve, , leaning over him with his hands holding his wrists, looking worried.

“It’s okay.” He heard him say, loosening his grip as Bucky came into coherency. “It’s just a nightmare.”

Bucky’s heart was still racing, his breathing ragged as he stared up at Steve, trying to focus. They had been like this more lately. Screamers that pulled him right out of a sound sleep. Before he hadn’t woken, well not in a conventional way, but now he was waking right up, screaming himself hoarse, having to be held onto the bed so he wouldn’t fall off. It was unsettling.

He felt Steve’s hand brushing his hair away from his face as he let him go. “You alright?” He asked softly, the concern in his eyes.

“I think so… “ He said, sitting up a little on his elbows. “I’m not sure.”

“Those have been happening a lot lately.” Steve observed, letting his hand rest on Bucky’s leg. “What’s going on?”

Bucky bit his lip and looked down, not wanting to answer that question. He couldn’t answer it. To do that would be to admit what happened last week and he hadn’t even told him about it. Hell he hadn’t even told his therapist. The fading remnants of the nightmare were intertwined with his bathroom incident, and every time his mind even tried to turn down that hallway, a part of him slammed the door shut.

“Nothing.” He told him, not meeting his eyes. “Just a nightmare.”

He could feel Steve’s eyes boring into him without even having to look, he knew that he didn’t believe him. “It’s not just a nightmare.” He lifted his hand to his face. “Just tell me what’s wrongs.”

“Nothings wrong okay it’s just” He tried to say, averting his eyes again. “My usual shit that’s all.”

“Your usual shit?” Steve responded, a little angrily too. “Do you even hear yourself sometimes?”

Bucky watched as he got up, seeming to pace around in frustration and he felt the guilt seep into him because he was doing this him. And knew it all was taking a toll on him psychologically. But he didn’t know how to bridge the gap right now because he just couldn’t spill it, he had pushed this down so deep inside him that he was afraid to let it out.

“I’m sorry Steve.” He told him, still sitting on the bed. “I just.. I can’t.”

“Dammit will you stop apologizing!” He turned and snapped at him, surprising him a bit. “Just stop okay?” He ran his hands through his hair and stared at Bucky. “You’re always saying your sorry to me for thing that aren’t even your fault and I hate it.”

“I really am though.” Bucky told him, looking up at him. “Because I can’t talk to you about this and I don’t know why.”

“It feels like you don’t trust me.”

Bucky shook his head vehemently. “I do.” He tried to tell him, sitting up more now. “That’s not the problem.”

“Then tell me what it is.” Steve asked him, his hands on his hips. “Just.. talk to me.”

Bucky looked at him, hating himself, feeling like damn coward. “I can’t.”

He could talk to him about anything else but not this. Every time the thought occurred to him to try, he felt paralyzing fear, guilt and shame and it froze him. He knew that all Steve ever wanted to do was help him and he just kept putting it off. Knowing Steve could see this on his face, how torn he was by it and saw his face soften He sat down heavily on the bed next to him, neither one of them touching each other just yet.

“You know can tell me anything right?” Steve said, his voice, looking down at his hands. “That I’m gonna love you no matter what.”

Bucky bit his lip, fighting back a myriad of emotions at hearing this. He knew it was true. Steve was never going to judge him on anything. He’d forgiven so much as it was, at least as much as Bucky felt like he needed to be forgiven for. So he didn’t know why he couldn’t just.. trust him.  Because he trusted him in every other way.

He slid up behind Steve on the bed and put his arms around him, pressing his face into his back and just sat there for a moment before saying anything. “I know.” He whispered against his shoulder, interlocking his fingers around Steve’s stomach. “I really am sorry.”

He felt Steve’s arms wrap around his own, and kissed his shoulder again, nuzzling into it as he held him from behind. Giving him some comfort, feeling like he owed it to him for all this. He felt so guilty about all of it, especially lately, it was eating him up. He tightened his arms around him, as if once again apologizing for all of this, because in his mind Steve deserved so much better than this.

“I hate them for what they did to you.” He heard Steve say, and felt his fists bunch up over his own. “I wish I could take them all apart for making you feel this. For making you suffer so much.” Bucky felt Steve’s body shake with this anger and pressed his lips in the back of his neck as if comfort him. “For making you feel like it’s your fault.”

Bucky squeezed his eyes shut. “Maybe some of it was.” He whispered against the back of his neck. “I did some pretty terrible things.” He swallowed hard. “II killed people. A lot of people.”

“Where was that your fault?” He heard Steve ask, anger tinging his voice. “After they captured you and tortured and abused you? Tell me Buck cause I’m not seeing it.”

He couldn’t define it, couldn’t explain why it felt like it was, like he should’ve resisted it more. It was a stubborn part of himself that seemed to want to take all the blame, even as everyone told him it wasn’t his fault. As much therapy and the progress he’d had, it was still there, that horrendous guilt. And he no response for Steve’s words, just buried his face against the back of Steve’s neck.

“It’s what I hate the most.” Steve said softly, wrapping his hands around Bucky’s “That they made you take the blame too. That you still hate yourself for all of it.”

The fact the he knew him so well, knew that he felt this despite his contentment with things, that he could see into him that well, both simultaneously made him feel frighteningly vulnerable and safe at the same time. And he loved him for both those feelings. It made him want to tell him everything and he hated himself because he couldn’t yet.

So he just slid around him and crawled onto his lap, pulling his head to his shoulder. Bucky felt Steve’s arms go around him again, felt his face nuzzle into his neck as he wrapped his arms around him, his legs bent on either side of Steve’s. Just wanting to comfort him now. To show him that even though he may hate himself, he loved the hell out of his sweet, blonde idiot.

“Well I don’t hate myself as much around you punk.” He whispered into Steve’s hair as he held him. “If that helps.”

“A little.” Steve replied against his shoulder. “But I just wish you could just.. see yourself the way I do.”

Bucky smiled sadly at that. “That might take a while.”

He felt Steve’s arms tighten around him and Bucky buried his face in his hair, both of them content to just sit there for a while just like that.

\--

They were out for a walk the next day when it happened again and this time, right out in public.

Bucky seemed a little better today and seemed to be enjoying the walk. It was cold, ln the early January cold but it was refreshing. And they were bundled up anyways. Bucky had his favorite brown jacket on and a hat over his long hair, and with his flushed face, looked absolutely delicious to Steve for some reason. Maybe because it was just more layers to pull off later he thought to himself.

Bundled up like this they weren’t recognized as easily, especially having sunglasses to deflect the brightness of the snow that had fallen earlier. So it felt almost anonymous. Like they were just regular people out and about.

“What?” Bucky asked, lifting his sunglasses up a little to squint at Steve. “Got something on my face?”

“What I can’t look at you in public now?”

“You’re staring Rogers.” He retorted. “There’s a difference.”

“Maybe I’m just thinking about how I’m gonna warm you up later.” Steve told him, looking at him under sunglasses. “Since you wanted to know.”

Bucky smiled knowingly. “You’ll have to get through 4 layers for that.” He teased, keeping his voice just audible to Steve. “It might take a while to get to the center of the tootsie roll just saying.”

“Is that a challenge?”

Bucky put his sunglasses on his head and looked at him with hooded eyes. “Maybe.” He replied. “Think your up to it punk?”

Oh he was up to it. That would be fun most definitely. Just like unwrapping a present. “As if you even have to ask that.” He whispered as he leaned over, like telling him a secret. “That’s one of my favorite pastimes.”

The way Bucky smiled at him at that moment, made him want to press him into the nearest wall and kiss him stupid. It took a hell of a lot restraint not to. “And one of your many talents Captain.” He sassed, turning teasingly away from him.

He was about to respond to that when Bucky seemed to freeze in his tracks, his attention on something Steve wasn’t award of. He looked into what was Bucky’s field of vision and saw nothing but a beat cop coming up the street, the clack of his boots on the nearly deserted street the only sound, other than background noise.

“Bucky?” He asked, turning to him. “You okay?”

He saw terror in his eyes, and for a moment if Bucky thought the cop was coming for him. He did have some trouble with authorities, understandably so. But his body wasn’t tensed as if to run. He was just rooted to the spot and Steve saw that his eyes were focused on the cop’s feet more the cop himself. Namely his boots.  He could see his fingers shaking, see his breathing speed up.

“Bucky?” He asked again, putting his hands on his shoulders. “What is it.”

Bucky didn’t answer just watched as the cop came closer until he was almost right in front of him and Bucky just dropped to his hands and knees right on the snowy sidewalk, his head down looking at the ground. Steve bent down himself, feeling the snow through his jeans and tried to get Bucky’s attention.  And it certainly got the cops attention too.

“Is he alright?” He asked Steve, sounding concerned. “Do you need assistance?”

“No” He looked up for a moment. “I got this.”

Bucky was breathing hard, not seemingly aware of where he actually was. “No.. no..” He seemed to mumble. “I don’t’ wannna do it.. please..”

There it was again, that mantra he’d heard from dreams and feverish delirium. He knew what was happening now. “Bucky it’s okay you’re not there.” He reassured him, his hand on his back. “Your safe.”

“You sure you don’t need me to call someone?” The cop asked, still standing right in front of Bucky’s field of vision. And Steve saw Bucky was focused on his boots.

“No I can’ handle it.” He looked up again. “He’s got Pots Traumatic Stress that would just make it worse.” He ran his hand softly over Bucky’s back, trying to soothe him. “He just needs a minute.”

Thankfully the cop seemed to take that as an indication to step away, probably familiar with this in his line of work and Steve was grateful he gave them the space. Bucky was up on his knees now a little but still seemed to be in the middle of this, his eyes fixed into nothing. Steve put his arm around him just trying to pull him back again.

“I don’t want to.” He repeated again, like a mantra. “I don’t want to.”

“Its okay. “He whispered in his ear. “You don’t have to do anything.”

Suddenly some lucidity seemed to come back into his eyes, and he became aware of his surroundings again, looking around confused. His eyes fixed on Steve, as if trying to find an anchor again.  “Steve?” He asked, clutching at his arm. “What?”

“I think you had a flashback.’ He told him, letting his other hand brush his cheek a little. “Are you okay?”

Bucky looked down, seeming to realize he was kneeling in the snow, his own jeans soaked through the knees and he just squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, his hand finding his tags under his shirt and grabbing hold of them. People walked by them, looking curiously, but other than the cop, no on seemed to be concerned about them. City people, never getting involved.

“I don’t know.” Bucky said, his voice shaky. “I don’t know.”

Steve picked up his sunglasses, which had fallen off his head and tucked them in his pocket. He then helped him up, wanting to get him off the cold ground, especially when he was still in recovery. Bucky stood up willingly enough, and seemed to lean on him for a moment, letting Steve put an arm around him to support him.

“Come on lets get you inside.” He told him, motioning to a coffee shop not far away. “Get you warmed up.”

Bucky nodded, still seemingly not with it yet, and Steve walked him there with arm around him, neither one of them giving two shits about how they looked.  He got him inside to a table and sat down.  He ordered them both some coffees, knowing how Bucky like his. And just sat there letting him gather himself, seeing that thousand-yard stare set in again.

“You wanna talk about it?” He asked carefully as they got their coffees, Bucky staring blankly at his. “About what happened?”

“No.,” Bucky said flatly, biting his lip. “I can’t.”

“Okay then.” Steve replied and tried another angle. “What caused it?” He reached across and took one of his hands, his flesh hand, trying to warm it up. “Do you know?”

He watched as Bucky picked up his coffee and drank a little of it. “I heard his boots.” He said, in that same flat voice. “On the sidewalk.” His eyes flicked to Steve finally. “It’s all I remember.”

Steve thought that a start at least. He had seen he was fixated on the cop’s boots when he was kneeling there. The frightened way he talked, the beg in his voice had hurt his heart to hear. He a had feeling of where he was then. What he was reliving. Remembering his Winter Soldier fugue when he’d first recalled that memory.  Truth was, he knew more than Bucky thought he did. It was just that Bucky couldn’t admit it. Couldn’t talk about it.  Like a strange sort of denial.

“It’s okay Buck.” He said softly, squeezing his hand. “You can tell me anything.”

Bucky looked up from his coffee, a mix of anger and fear in his eyes. “I don’t wanna talk about it.”  He said with sharpness in his voice. “I just… I want to forget.”

“Well apparently you can’t.” He told him, holding his gaze with his eyes. “Because it keeps coming back.”

He almost looked desperate. Pained. “Please Steve..I just can’t.”

“I know.” He answered, still holding his hand. “But I’m here okay?”

Bucky nodded and drank some more of his coffee. He didn’t try to extract his hand, just left it there. Steve could see he was trying to work it out. “I’m sorry.” He said, looking down at his coffee. “Guess I kind of ruined today huh?”

Steve smiled softly at him, squeezing his hand. “No you didn’t.” He reassured him. “It’s alright.”

“I kind of just.. wanna go home” Bucky told him, his eyes meeting Steve’s. And he could see the look in his eyes that said he needed to be touched.  Needed contact. But also hesitation as well. Fear.

Steve looked at him and knew he wanted to do that for him too. Not in the same way as he wanted to earlier, but in a different way. He wanted to just strip him of his wet clothes and take him in his arms. To make him feel loved and safe. The way he clearly didn’t feel right now. And maybe to help loosen whatever was in his head, whatever was hurting him so much.

“We will.” He told him, looking into his eyes. “I promise.”

\--

His good days were great. But his bad days were terrible. And this had become a bad one in a hurry.

When they had gotten home, he had rebuked any attempts at comfort. Feeling too raw and not wanting to be touched. Not because he was afraid it in any way, but because he was afraid of what he would do if Steve had put his arms around him. Because he didn’t want to use him like had last time, and he felt the potential in himself. It gnawed at him, like the guilt he felt over it.

Steve seemed to understand this, limiting his touches to small ones, such as a squeeze of the hand, or a brush of the hair back from his face. He stayed back otherwise, his eyes soft and concerned. Even questioning and Bucky felt terrible about this because he knew all he wanted to do was comfort him right now.

His body was craving contact, like a drug addict needing a fix. It actually physically hurt to not let him put his arms around him, not to feel his hands or his kiss. It was like being in withdrawal.

Bucky sat under the blanket on the couch, his hand still shaking, hearing the spoon clank around in his cup of tea. The memory of what happened on the street constantly invading his mind, along with the memory that came with it. The one he kept trying to push away.

It would not go away though. One his knees on the cold floor. _Very good Soldier_.. He heard in his head, tasting it in his mouth and felt sick. Feeling his lunch coming up.

He got up, throwing the blanket off him and sprinted to the bathroom, barely making it, before relieving his stomach of all its contents. He leaned over the toilet, his hair in his face, retching until everything was gone and it was just dry heaves now.

He remembered throwing up in that room too. And had paid for it with more pain. Which caused him to heave again, although there was nothing left in his stomach now. He felt tears in his eyes, pricking the edges of them and he tried to fight them back.

Then he felt the hand on his back, and he flinched slightly as if expecting a blow or something. “It’s okay.” He heard Steve say. “It’s just me.”

“You probably shouldn’t touch me right now.” He choked out, his face still hanging over the toilet, not looking up. “I’m not good..”

Instead of listening to that, he felt Steve’s hand brush his hair back from his eyes. “It’s okay Buck.” He said, so close he could almost feel him. “It’s okay.”

He wanted to just crawl into his arms now, the ache was so strong. He kept his hands clamped to the toilet seat, smelling his own vomit, and trying to fight off his emotions, which were all in a whirl now. The hand just continued to stroke his hair softly and he closed his eyes painfully.

“It’s obviously not okay Steve.” He said, his voice shaky. “I’m back to being a fucking mess again and..”

 _And I can’t even let you comfort me_.. was what he wanted to say but couldn’t. But it was in his eyes just the same, the longing to be held and comforted again. To be touched.  He knew Steve could see it because his next words reflected it.

“Just talk to me okay?” He asked him, his fingers brushing the side of Bucky’s face now. “Let me help you.”

Bucky bit his lip, tasting the bile on it as he did so. Feeling too raw to not be completely honest now. “I had one of these last week.” He confessed finally, still not looking at him. “The day you came home. Its why I was.. the way I was..” He turned his head only slightly, just enough to see his face. “And I just couldn’t tell you… I just…”

He felt his hand, still doing that soothing thing on his head, not saying anything, just listening to him. Feeling so shitty at the moment, like he didn’t deserve this at all.

“I used you to.. feel better.” Bucky continued, just feeling a need to apologize again. “And I’m afraid if  I… let you touch much I’ll do that again.” He swallowed hard and met his eyes again. “I know I will..”

Steve’s warms hands were suddenly on his face, turning to him. “Listen to me.” He said softly, his thumbs brushing the sides of his face, causing his eyes to close. “If you need me like that it’s okay. “

Bucky shook his head and pulled away, getting up off the floor on wobbly legs. “It’s not okay.” He told him adamantly, his fumbling hands looking for the sink. “I don’t want to do that to you… not anymore.”

He grabbed the glass on the sink and put some water in it, needing the taste of bile out of his mouth. And that other one as well, the one the memory keeping bringing back. Feeling that hand pulling his hair and his face pinched at how real it felt.

Then Steve’s hands were around his waist and his lips were at his ear, causing him to flinch slightly. “It is okay.” He said in his ear, holding him firmly and Bucky felt himself whimper slightly. “Because I love you.”

His resistance and composure broke and turned blindly in his arms, throwing his arms around Steve’s neck and kissed him, tears leaking out of his eyes. He needed him so much, needed to feel whole again, even if it was a temporary fix. He just needed him. He felt Steve lift his body against his a little, his feet coming off the ground slightly.

Pulling his lips away he buried his face in Steve’s neck, nuzzling it. He could feel Steve lift him into his arms and Bucky let his legs wrap around him, giving in completely now. “Let’s go to bed.” He heard Steve whisper in his ear and felt himself being carried. “I’m gonna take care of you okay?”

Bucky nodded into his shoulder, wanting that very badly right now.

He laid back on the bed, closing his eyes for a moment, feeling Steve remove those layers of clothing they’d joked about. And then felt his lips on his again, pressing him softly into the mattress. A small part of his mind wondered if Steve would ever want to kiss him again if he knew the truth. He didn’t know all of it, only a part of it. He was so afraid of that. Afraid that Steve would look at him differently, be disgusted by it. He knew it was irrational, but it was there just the same.

Shoving it back for now, he let himself be kissed and gave it back, wrapping his hands around the back of Steve’s head, fingers digging in his blonde hair.  Feeling his hands on him, sliding over his waist, his hips, his thighs, losing himself in the touch.

Steve pulled his lips and looked down at him, those hands of his still softly moving over his skin, causing his eyes to flutter. “What do you need?” He asked softly, brushing their lips together again. “Tell me..”

Bucky looked up into his eyes, beautiful and blue and full of noting but love for him, which made him feel emotional, because he still didn’t feel he deserved any of this. He still felt so broken and used, especially today with all those memories so close to the surface. Memories of being on his knees, blood in his eyes, willing to do anything to make the pain stop. All the guilt and shame over the things he’d let them to do to him. And all the things he’d done for decades for them. He felt that filth all over him today. 

“Just you.” He told him in a quiet voice, trying to keep his emotions in check. “I just need you.”

Steve didn’t answer, just kissed him again, his warm hands pulling Bucky’s hip against his before sliding them slowly up his body. They moved up and over his shoulders, down his arms and found his hands, entwining their fingers together, pressing them into the pillow.  Bucky moaned softly against his lips as he felt his body pressed into the mattress, completely surrounded it and Steve’s large body.

He felt loved. Safe. The awful place fading back in his mind.

Soon he was moving inside him, rocking sweetly against him, and Bucky forgot about it completely, lost in the blissful haze. Their fingers flexed together intimately at every thrust, Steve whispering love and praise in his ear between kissing him softly. Bucky moaned in response, his own body pushing back against his, taking him into him deep, in every possible way, and letting his mind drift away.

It was everything he needed right now and lived it for as long as he could.

\--

Bucky woke screaming later, and Steve had to restrain him so he wouldn’t fall off the bed. In his panicked confusion coming out of the dream, Bucky struggled back against this restraint, before finally calming. He stared up at Steve with fear and pain in his blue eyes that he wasn’t even trying to hide now.

“I didn’t want to do it.” He said in a small voice. “I just wanted it to stop.”

Steve stroked his hair softly as he leaned over him on his elbow. “Wanted to what to stop?” He asked carefully, giving him space to answer if he wanted to.

“The pain.” Bucky answered, biting his lip. “It hurt so bad.. they hurt me in places I… I didn’t even know I..had..”

“I know.” He whispered to him, continuing to stroke his hair. “It’s okay.”

Bucky turned his head away with a shameful look on his face. “No it’s not.” He choked out. “It’s why I did it.. to make it stop.” He swallowed painfully, his eyes still averted. “He said it would stop if I….did what he said.. if I… followed orders.”

Steve didn’t speak, just continued brushing his hair with his fingers, his other hand making soft circles on his hip under the blanket. Keeping soft points of contact and just giving him the space to talk. Just silently supporting him.

“I never saw his face.” Bucky continued, his voice evening out and steady, eyes still turned away. “Only the boots.. every time I heard them on the floor.. I knew…it was gonna hurt.” He was shivering, Steve could feel it and just continued to try and soothe him as he talked. “The first time… he ordered me to.. come to him, I got up and.. I got knocked to the floor.. I wasn’t supposed to walk.”

Steve just listened to him, thinking it was much worse that he never saw him. That he had no face to put on the monster, just the boots in front of him. He also felt pain at Bucky saying ‘the first time’ knowing what that meant. He had to keep his hands from closing into fists, just kept concentrating on comforting him, he could let himself feel the anger about this later. Right now, he needed to be strong for him.

“When he.. grabbed my hair I knew.. knew what he wanted me to do I.. I couldn’t and.. he.. he hurt me.” Bucky said, his metal hand wrapped around Steve’s arm as if for an anchor. “The next time I…. did it.. but I got sick.. and he hurt me again.” He was shaking painfully now, his other hand clutching the pillow by his head. “It hurt so much.. and I couldn’t sleep.. and I was hungry and.. so the next time… I finished..” His face almost seemed to go blank, distant. “I just.. went away..”

Steve was in so much pain for him, thinking of how horrible this must’ve been, given the choice between being hurt or being violated like this. The helplessness of it all. Of knowing no one was coming to save you because, to the world at least, you were dead. He knew without having to ask that this was what had broken him, taken the fight out of him. He just kept brushing his hair and caressing his hips softly, just kept providing comfort for him. Letting him know he was safe and loved.

“He said I was a good soldier. That I was ready for the next stage.” He said, finally turning his haunted eyes to Steve’s. “I think that’s when I really stopped being me you know? When I started being him. I just became what they wanted.. did what they said.. believed their shit I guess.” He closed his eyes painfully. “But they still had to keep.. making sure so.. they kept wiping me as well.. just in case. “

“Bucky none of this was your fault.” He told him softly, resting his hand on his face. “None of it.”

“How could it not be?” He asked, meeting Steve’s eyes. “I just.. let them do it.. I didn’t fight back, I just gave up.”

“Is that what you think?” Steve asked pointedly. “Because it sounds like you didn’t. Buck. Sounds like you fought hard for a long time. “

“Not hard enough.” Bucky replied ruefully. “I was weak.”

Steve held his face in hands. “Listen to me. Nobody could take that much for that long.” He said firmly. “You did what you had to do survive.”

Bucky looked incredibly pained at this. “I sucked his dick Steve.” He said, the horror in his voice. “More than once.. I did it.. how is that not weak?”

The crudeness to the way he said it sort of belied what he felt about himself for doing that. That he wasn’t manipulated, coerced. Forced into it doing it. Made it sound like he h ad a choice and Steve couldn’t have that. Needing to make him understand the truth.

“Did you want to?” He asked pointedly, needing him to understand this. “Did you?”

Bucky flicked his eyes away as if actually thinking about it. And Steve thought that they had screwed that part of his head up so much he wasn’t sure. “I don’t think so... I was so messed up.” He replied, letting his wide eyes flick back to Steve’s again. “He was gonna hurt me so I..”

“Then you didn’t have a choice.” He told him, looking in his eyes. “Do you understand that? The choice was that that or being hurt and starving… that’s not a choice.” He held his face steady in his hands. “You were raped Buck and that’s not your fault.”

Putting the word out there had been rough but Steve knew he needed to hear it. To acknowledge it. He watched as Bucky scrunched his face up and tried to turn away from that ugly truth. It hurt him so much to watch it. “No.” He whimpered, turning his head, trying to pull away.  “No.”

“It’s not your fault.” He repeated to him. “None of it was.”

Steve reached out and just pulled him into his arms, feeling him resist at first before going limp. He wrapped his hand around the back of Bucky’s head just cradling him in his arms. And felt him start to break down against his shoulder, his arms tightly wrapping around Steve’s back.

“I’m sorry.” He sobbed against Steve’s shoulder. “I let them.. I’m so sorry.”

He held him tight, his arm tight around his back, the other stroking his hair. “It’s okay.” He whispered in his ear, feeling Bucky’s hands clutching the back of his shirt. “I got you.”

He just sat there, comforting him as best he could. Bucky just sobbed against his shoulder, his breath hitching from it every so often, completely burying his face against Steve’s shoulder as if hiding. In spite of how hard he was crying he seemed to barely make a noise, and that seemed more painful to Steve, like he was still afraid to give himself free reign. But his whole body shook just the same, his fingers flexing on Steve’s shirt.

When he seemed to calm a little, Steve laid him down with him, pulling him close to him. Bucky curled against him, hitching breaths and sniffles coming out of him every so often. He just laid there brushing his hair with his fingers, the other arm wrapped around him. He watched as Bucky finally pulled his head back from his shoulder and leaned it against Steve. His eyes were red and watery but he seemed to have himself under control again.

“I must look real attractive right now.” He seemed to quip, trying to smile.

Steve smiled back at him softly. “You look gorgeous as usual.”

Bucky seemed to scoff at this, his head laying on his metal arm, the flesh one wrapped around Steve’s waist. He looked exhausted. But Steve thought there was some relief there too. He’d been holding onto this for quite a long time.

“How are you feeling?” Steve asked him, letting that hand just brush his hair softly.

“I don’t know.” Bucky replied, biting his lip that cute way he always did. “I just don’t know how to feel about it.”

“There’s no wrong way to feel.” He said and pressed his lips to his head, feeling Bucky shudder a little. “Just don’t blame yourself okay?”

He held his lips to his head for a full minute, holding the back of his head with his hand. His other hand pulled him closer and he felt Bucky’s feet tuck in between his, one of his legs wrapping around Steve’s. Keeping their bodies close. He then pulled his lips away and kissed him on the lips this time, a soft kiss that seemed to cause him to shiver again.

Bucky pulled away a little from him, looking down. “I don’t know how you could.. want to kiss after this.” He told him, his fingers playing on Steve’s. “Now that you know.”

It hurt to hear him say that. To think that this made a difference at all.  The shame was clear in his eyes though and Steve knew that was a normal feeling under the circumstances. He hadn’t needed to worry about it, but he did, and all Steve wanted to keep doing was reassure him that nothing had changed. That he still saw him the same way as he did before. He took his face in both his hands and looked in his eyes steadily.

“I’ll always want to kiss you.” Steve whispered to him. “Nothing will ever change that.”

To emphasize this point he kissed him again, a little deeper this time, parting his lips with his, letting his hand slide into his hair again, the other sliding back over his waist, pulling him closer. He knew it wouldn’t go any further than this right now, knowing he was still somewhat fragile right now, but he could give him this just the same.

He could feel a little hitch coming from Bucky again, as if maybe he was crying a little again as he kissed him, as their tongues pressed softly together. He gripped his hair loosely, not too hard and held his lips to him a little longer, letting it linger even more, firmly emphasizing it a little more.

When their lips finally parted Bucky nuzzled his face into Steve’s neck and he could feel there were more tears in his eyes. “I love you.” He heard him cry softly against his neck, tightening his arm around him.

“I love you too.” He whispered into his hair. “I always will.. no matter what.”

He just held him like that, feeling his exhausted body finally relax and let himself sleep for a while. Wrapped up so tightly with each other it was hard to tell where one body began and the other ended.

\--

Bucky woke up again later, swearing he heard that familiar sound coming from the hallway. The sound of boots on the floor, echoing in his ears, filling him with that irrational fear. Terror. He opened his eyes, swearing he saw movement in the dark, shadows shifting. 

His heart rate increased, his body shaking violently. The breath catching in his throat.

_It’s time Soldier…_

Bucky squeezed his eyes, not wanting to see anymore. Afraid if he opened his eyes he’[d be back there again. In that room. He curled more against Steve’s sleeping body, trying to bury himself against him under the sheets.

_Come here now.._

It sounded so real, like if he opened his eyes he’d be there. So real in fact that when he felt the hand in his hair he screamed and almost fell off the bed trying to get away. If it hadn’t been for the arm to wrap around him and prevent it. Strong arms. Ones that always made him feel safe.

“It’s not real Buck.” He heard Steve’s voice whisper in his ear. “He can’t hurt you anymore,.”

Bucky turned back into those arms again, grabbing onto him like a vice, burying his face in his shoulder. “Steve..” He whimpered into his shoulder, his eyes squeezed shut.

“I’m here.” He heard him whisper to him, his hand stroking, not pulling his hair. “It’s okay.”

He sighed in relief, letting his body relax again, knowing he was safe. They’d never get to him here. He laid there, curled up in his arms until once again he fell asleep. And this time stayed asleep, his face tucked into Steve’s neck, buried under the covers.

\--

Steve woke up early, before the sun, to find Bucky still tucked in his arms. He didn’t move, just watched him as he slept, his face buried into his neck. It had been a rough night for them both. He’d woken up a couple of times, shaking from a nightmare. Seeming to see and hear things in the room that weren’t there.

He was having a rough patch that was for sure.  He knew it would happen. It was an inevitable part of his process, but it didn’t make him hurt any worse for him right now. Especially in light of what he’d said to him. What he’d told him. About just how much he’d been abused and hurt. And that was before they’d sent him out to kill for them.

As Bucky slept next to him, he finally let himself really feel his anger over it all. What those monsters had done. And how Bucky felt about himself as a result. Wanting to able to find all of them and destroy them for it. Knowing he couldn’t because most of them were gone, but it didn’t change the feeling of pure rage he felt just the same.

Some of that anger he saved for himself, feeling as though he should’ve saved him from this. If he could’ve just.. reached him on that train. He could’ve saved him from all this pain and suffering. No matter how many people told him it wasn’t his fault, including Bucky himself, there was that stubborn part of Steve that believed it just the same.

But he remembered Sam’s words as well. That that was not going to help him right now.

He wrapped his arm tighter around him, burying his face in his hair, just telling himself he was alive and in his arms. That he home.

Bucky seemed to shift in his arms and Steve looked down and his eyes were open, seemingly staring straight ahead. The look was not quite Bucky and watched him carefully. The metal arm flexed slightly against the pillow as if the Soldier was unsure what to do. Not sure if he was being held or restrained. Steve took a chance and just brushed his hair softly with his fingers, seeing him flinch a little. 

This had been the first time he’d seen him in a while. He only seemed to come out when Bucky was in turmoil and Steve supposed that made sense considering his new role. His eyes seemed to move around, watching for danger. He could see the fingers flex again, as if wanting to grab him, so Steve slid and arm around and took that hand in his. Signifying that he didn’t have to do anything at all.

“It’s alright.” He reassured him. “You’re both safe.”

The Soldier’s eyes shifted back to him and he thought he might have seen some trust in them. He knew it was a fragile line though. He was like an injured dog and he had to be careful. So he just laid there, non-threatening until the perceived threat passed and the Soldier closed his eyes, finally allowing full sleep to come back to Bucky’s body.

Relaxing, Steve once again wrapped Bucky’s body up into his arms, feeling him snuggle back against him in his sleep, his face relaxing back to normal again. Steve rested his head on his chin and closed his own eyes, letting this long night finally come to a close.

Pulling the blankets up over them, their bodies warmly wrapped together again, he fell asleep as well. And they both slept very late that day.  They both needed it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew okay, I had a hard time figuring out how to write that conversation because of the subject matter, and I elected to go with it this way. Showing it from Steve's POV was important in the sense that I didn't want the real ugly details in there, it's enough to know what happened and why (although we already knew it happened, you have it in context now) and because of trigger issues I don't go into details about things like this anyways. 
> 
> I will add, that while this may not be the conventional idea of rape, it's still rape. There was no consent here at all, in spite of Bucky's confusion on the matter. Physical force does not need to happen, just the loss of free will, which he lost the second h e was captured and operated on. It's point in this story to illustrate that he never had any choice in anything he did after they captured him, which is something I hold to very strongly to in canon as well. He is not responsible for anything he did for them because his free will was taken away the minute they modified him agaisnt his will. Consent never occured. 
> 
> I did enjoy him destroying the punching bag earlier in the chapter and the idea of sort of starting to discover his strength, and finding healthy outlets for his anger and pain. Such as that, and the journals he writes in. 
> 
> And I do like that his sex life, and relationship with Steve is strong and healthy, trying to prove that even if a person has these kinds of problems, it doesn't have to dominate your life completely. And how important it is to have a good support system around you, something I know from experience myself. 
> 
> The next chapter will probably deal how he responds to his setback, because setbacks happen and its how you deal with them that matters. 
> 
> Thank you as usual for the lovely comments, I've gotten a few about it helping some people and I'm glad if it helps anyone in any way. :) <3<3


	15. Reclaim

Bucky was laying in bed, curled up with Steve’s arm around him from behind, unable to sleep but letting Steve do it for now. He had his right hand’s fingers entwined with the arm he was currently resting his head on, his metal arm resting on top of the covers.

He was lost in thought. Been doing it a lot lately.

Steve had been very careful with him over the course of the week, which was something the not long ago used to irritate him, but he now appreciated greatly now. Because he finally understood for what it was. Not over-protectiveness but a beautiful form of caring.

Like the way he had been when Bucky first recalled the sexual assault, knowing he wasn’t in the right frame of mind to engage with him sexually even if Bucky himself hadn’t understood and been frustrated by it. He had just known. Had protected him emotionally at a time when he needed it the most.

Or like in the car when he’d put the blanket behind his head to keep him from hitting it on the door. Remembering what the doctors had said to them that very day, when Bucky had finally allowed a full medical exam at the Medical Center. That he’d endured many concussions and skull fractures at the hands of Hydra, and his initial fall as well. And all the other crap they did to his head. That a blow to his head could be dangerous or even fatal. Steve had remembered this, in the heat of passion, even as Bucky himself would’ve allowed him to fuck him right through the damn door without concern for himself or his health.

The way he always made sure he was warm ever since he’d been sick. Or made sure he took his medication even when he’d fought him on it during his feverish paranoia.

Bucky had finally seen all of it for what it was, and he loved him so much for it, in spite of his frustrations that he even needed this kind of care. Steve didn’t baby him, he just took care of and looked out for him because to be honest, Bucky didn’t think of it. Didn’t necessarily care enough about himself to do so.

It was like, in an odd way they had switch roles. Steve becoming the protector now.

He thought about the times when Steve would just hold him from behind as he wrote in his journal, the words in full view, but he never read them.  Just supported and encouraged him to do it.  Just like everything else.

He was grateful for all of this and had learned how swallow some of his pride and allow it.

Like now for instance. When he was in what, he didn’t want to call a depression, but maybe a deep melancholy period in which he didn’t leave the house very much. Mostly because he was afraid of trigger another episode. Afraid of what could happen if there was no one he knew around at the time.

Because honestly, there were triggers everywhere.

When h e had first gotten away from Hydra, after having left Steve on the riverbank, and had been truly on his own, the world had been confusing as hell. His mind had been a mess, old memories warring in his head. Part of him torn as to whether he should try to find his captors, who up until then, had been all he had despite the fact that they hurt him regularly, or find a safe place to hide from them. The former would’ve been easier, because being on his own was scary as hell. The devil he knew was more appealing than the one he didn’t. And at the time he didn’t understand this conflict inside him. Didn’t understand how they’d made him almost completely dependent on them for his own survival. And that it had taken a lot of courage to walk away from it that at the time.

There was a lot of things he didn’t understand then. All he’d known was that he just wanted to be safe.

When he was still putting things back together in his head, he hadn’t understood why the sound of boots walking down a hall had been so terrifying to him. Chalking it up to a fear of them finding him. He didn’t understand, why although he needed a haircut badly, the idea of scissors near his neck paralyzed him.  Or why small dark spaces caused his breathing to speed up and his heart to beat faster. Why he was so damn afraid of being touched by anyone. All he knew was, he wanted to be left alone, to fix himself as much as he could, to put his shattered head back together and make sense of it.

He understood more now than he did then.

He had learned a bit about Post Traumatic Stress, and Stockholm Syndrome when he’d finally consented to therapy and understood those feelings better now. Was starting to understand about anxiety and triggers. Even if couldn’t quiet overcome them yet.

The modern world had a lot of things that caused his fight or flight complex to kick in. Caused his breath to shorten and his pupils to dilate with fear.

A lot of people wore boots.

There was tons of elevators and small cramped rooms.

 A lot of places had lights that flickered in a way that many didn’t notice but he did.

A lot of hospitals had instruments that looked like torture devices. And doctors that looked like Zola.

And the name Stark was everywhere.

Suddenly it was if he didn’t want to go out any more.  Felt the need to shut himself inside for a while. Venturing out only to go to his therapist, on Steve’s insistence.  Otherwise he’d stayed home most of the week. Just lost in that melancholy and irrational fears again.

He had finally confessed to Amelia about what had happened as well, finally telling her about the rapes that occurred at the hands of one his captors. Although he still couldn’t use that word himself yet. Still couldn’t wrap his stubborn head around it yet. Confessed about the guilt and shame he felt over it, and how it paralyzed him certain ways. He’d expressed the fear he had of more triggers, and his fear of what might happen if he had another incident. It had been an emotional session and he had broken down a couple of times, in spite of his attempts not to. But he felt safe enough to do that there too now. Knowing this vulnerability would never be used against him, just like with Steve.  That this was another safe place for him.

It was during this session that Amelia had first brought up the idea of anti-anxiety medication to help him out. She had known full well his issues with being medicated in any way, having only agreed to pain-killers and anti-biotics more for Steve’s sake, but told him not to dismiss the idea off hand. Told him that it was only to help him temporarily if this increased anxiety kept up. To help him function while they worked through it in therapy.

And the truth was, he was thinking about it. Because she was one of a very small group of people he fully trusted now. Which was basically her, Steve, Sam and his doctor at the VA Medical Center.

Trust had to be seriously earned with him now.

He hadn’t brought it up to Steve yet only because he was still mulling it deeply. Because he missed going out to be honest. Didn’t like the fear and anxiety fucking with him again. Didn’t want to go back to that state of mind that he felt himself sliding into again.

At that moment he felt Steve shift against his back and nuzzle his face into his hair, causing him to smile, flexing his hand in his. “Good morning beautiful.” He heard him say, his voice muffled by Bucky’s hair.

“Morning to you too punk.” He replied backing into him more and feeling his arm tighten around his waist.

He felt Steve’s lips push aside his hair and press into the back of his neck and he sighted softly, closing his eyes. Those lips moved around the back of his neck and under his ear, sucking on that sensitive skin softly. His hand found the spot where Bucky shirt rode up just a bit, warm fingers skating over the bare skin softly.

It was a very nice morning to be honest.

“How are you feeling?” Steve said into his ear, his breath tickling Bucky’s neck.

“Okay I guess.” He replied. “Considering.”

“Considering what?”

He decided to get right into it. “Amelia suggested maybe.. I could take some medication for the you know.. anxiety. “ He told him, not having to elaborate too much on that.“ She said it might help.”

“So what did you tell her?” Steve asked, squeezing his hand a little.

“I said I’d think about it.” He told him, his eyes fixated on their entwined fingers. “I’m just.. I’m not sure.”

“I get that.” Steve said in response. “But it might not be a bad idea.”

He closed his eyes for a moment, considering it again. “You think I should I do it then?” 

 “Bucky what I think doesn’t matter.” Steve replied, nuzzling his neck again. “You have to make that decision for yourself.”

He knew he was right. Even if he couldn’t really make that decision just yet. The idea that the choice was his, and only his, was still sometimes a foreign concept. So many choices had been made for him that being the given the option still felt odd and even a little scary.

“I know.” He finally said, sighing resignedly. “I just.. I’m a little.. scared of it you know?” He nuzzled his face against Steve’s arm. “But I can’t go on like this either I suppose.”

Steve wrapped his arm a little more around him, his fingers still playing on the exposed skin of Bucky’s belly. “Whatever you decide, I’ll support you.” He whispered in his ear. “I always will.”

Hearing that made him feel a bit emotional. Seemed like that happened a lot lately.  In his therapy session he’d mentioned how he hated that, that it made him feel weak, and Amelia had told him that that was a good sign. That he was starting to heal in a real way now. That letting himself feel and express these things was healthy. It was progress.

So he let himself.

He turned in Steve’s arms and kissed him, wrapping his arm around him as did so. He felt Steve’s fingers, digging into his hair, holding him there and let himself feel the love going through it. It was strong, like the vibrations he sometimes felt run through his arm, into his shoulder and through his body when that perfect hit was made. But this happened just by the touch of Steve’s lips and that was even better.

Finally pulling his lips away he laid his head against Steve’s, closing his eyes. “Dammit Rogers.” He sighed. “I hate when you do that to me.”

He heard Steve chuckle a little. “What did I do this time?” He asked, his hand sliding down over Bucky’s back now and rubbing it.

“Making me love your dumb punk ass even more.” Bucky told him, just laying there contentedly. “As if that’s possible.”

“I love you too jerk.” Steve told him, kissing his head softly and continuing to rub his back in that sweet way.

Bucky smiled and tucked his head into Steve’s neck, in no hurry to get up any time soon. And knowing he didn’t have to make the decision today about the medication. Or anything else for that matter. He could stay here where it was safe and warm for a while. And he just closed his eyes again and did just that.

\--

Steve groaned when he saw the name on his missed calls. Knowing what this meant.

They were having a very late breakfast. He had elected to just stay in bed and basically cuddle with Bucky, which was a term Bucky absolutely hated so Steve used it as much as possible to annoy him with. Along with referring to him as his ‘grumpy teddy bear’ which annoyed him even more. Causing Steve to get more than one pillow thrown at him on occasion. But Steve swore he’d seen a ghost of a smile on his face sometimes when he did. Which made it more than worth it.

He had been in a mood lately, and Steve perfectly understood that. He was processing that horrific memory finally, and even though it was causing him turmoil, it was at least being dealt with. He had once again decided to abstain from some things for a few days at least while Bucky dealt with this trauma, and Bucky strangely seemed to be okay with it for now. Like he had a newfound awareness of himself or something.

So sometimes just laying together in bed or on the couch was more than enough while he worked things out. Even if he hadn’t been doing much of anything in terms of activity lately, at lease he could get a smile out of him once and awhile. Even if it was an irritated one.

This morning he looked particularly adorable, his hair pulled back in a loose ponytail, wearing sweatpants and those silly slippers.  Steve just loved it, drank in the image as they ate breakfast.

“So who called?” Bucky asked, with a mouth full of toast, orange juice in his hand

Steve hesitated before answering. “Tony.” He finally said. “Might have a mission.”

Bucky swallowed his toast and looked at him steadily for a moment. “Might?” He asked pointedly as if reading Steve’s mind.

He did have one was a better answer, a multiple day one. And it could not have come a worse time. Bucky hadn’t been great lately, had barely left the house and Steve wasn’t sure this was best time. And Bucky’s look indicated that he was almost reading Steve’s mind on this.

“I don’t have to go.” He told him. “They can find someone else. “

“No.” Bucky said, turning in his chair. “You do have to.”

Steve looked at him, almost as if caught. “What?”

“Don’t play dumb with me Steve.” Bucky told him, meeting his eyes directly again. “I know why you’re hesitating here. But you need to go.”

“I don’t have to do anything.”

Bucky ran his hands through his hair and looked back up at him. “I know I’ve been a mess lately but that doesn’t change that you have a damn job to do.” He told him adamantly. “You can’t put off your life because of me okay?” His face softened a little. “I don’t want you to.”

Steve could see a bit of anger in Bucky’s face but also something else as well. Guilt. Like somehow he was inferring with his life or something. He leaned over in his chair and took Bucky’s hand for a moment and squeezed it.

“You mean the world to me you know that right?” He told him, looking into his troubled blue eyes. “More than the damn job or the shield.”

“I know that.” Bucky replied, squeezing his hand. “But I want you to do this. For yourself.” He bit his lip a little. “Just like you want me to do things for myself.”

Steve nodded, understanding what he meant. But he was still reluctant to just up and take off on him just yet. Not until he was sure he’d be okay.

“You sure right?” He asked. “Because I can still back out of it.”

“No I’m not.” Bucky answered honestly. “But I think you gotta do it.” He smiled a little more. “Besides you do get on my nerves sometimes.”

“Oh really?” Steve asked him, leaning forward. “How so?”

“Well…” Bucky said thoughtfully, scrunching his face up. “You’re way too fucking chipper at 6am for one thing.” He told him, shaking his head. “I could do without that for a few days.”

Steve grinned and took his face in his hands. “Really?” he asked and put on his most cutesy tone to annoy him. “Well I miss cuddling with my big grumpy teddy bear when I’m not here.”

“Listen you punk.” Bucky said, rolling his eyes in irritation. Which Steve once again thought was adorable. “I am not a fucking-“

Steve cut his words off with kiss, pulling him closer to do it. He felt Bucky smile into it and put his arms around his neck. He loved doing that to him sometimes. Bucky would get annoyed with something he said or did and Steve would kiss him stupid and make him forget all about it. And he was sure as hell was going to make sure to do it this time. So he took his damn time, practically pulling Bucky into his lap, their tongues moving softly against each other.

Finally pulling apart, Bucky kept his face pressed to Steve’s. “I really hate you sometimes.” He sighed, breathlessly, his arms still looped around Steve’s neck.

Smiled a victor’s smile and rubbed his nose against Bucky’s. “I love you too. “He whispered to him, just sitting there for a moment longer.

He finally let Bucky off his lap to finish his breakfast and called Tony back. Letting the phone right as he got himself some breakfast as well. “About time Rogers.” He heard him say, managing to sound both amused and irritated at the same time. “it’s only noon and all.”

“Sorry Tony I overslept.” He said, seeing Bucky smile when he said it.

“Look just because you and Barnes had a late night doesn’t mean you can skip out on work.”

Steve rolled his eyes in Bucky’s direction, causing more amusement, which Steve loved seeing. “So what’s up?”

Tony filled him and Steve was dismayed to know he only had an hour before he had to be at the compound for the briefing, but what you could do. So got he got done and quickly finished his breakfast.

“So Dad says you gotta go right now huh?” Bucky asked, drinking his coffee. And Steve was amused to see it was in an angry Donald Duck mug too. “Too bad.”

Steve looked at him for a moment, once again thinking about how goddamn good he looked just sitting there with that coffee mug in his hand. The little tendrils of hair that kept falling out of his ponytail, a shirt just tight enough to show that sweet muscle definition. And of course, those ridiculously cute bunny slippers as well. He thought about it for a moment and smiled at him, it was a briefing, they weren’t going leave until much later, so he decided he didn’t give two shits if he was late for it.

“I don’t have to go yet.”

Bucky raised and eyebrow, finishing his coffee. “You sure about that?” He asked curiously.

“Yeah.”  He replied, grabbing Bucky’s hand and pulling him out of his chair. “I mean what’s he gonna do? Fire me?”

“You’re such a rebel Rogers.” Bucky sassed, snaking his other arm around Steve’s waist.  

Steve smiled and pulled him to him. “Only for you beautiful.” He told him and reached over and turned the radio and pulled Bucky closer to him wrapping his arms around his waist. “Come on, dance with me.”

“Are you serious?” Bucky asked with some amusement.

Steve pulled him closer. “Totally serous.”

 “You’re so corny Rogers.” Bucky told him as he looped his arms around Steve’s neck. “You’re lucky I love you.”

“And you’re a big softy..” Steve’s whispered to him, brushing his lips over Bucky’s. “But I won’t tell anyone.”

“You better not.” Bucky replied, his lips skating teasingly over Steve’s. “I gotta keep my rep you know?”

They swayed to the music like they used to back when they were younger. With just each other and the record player in that tiny little world they’d created for each other. Their lives still ahead of them, before the world came to take it away for a while. He leaned his head against Bucky’s and lived in that moment again., just losing himself in it. And he could see by the almost dreamy look in Bucky’s eyes that he was recalling these pleasant memories too, and it made him happy.

“Enjoying yourself?” He whispered in his ear, pulling him closer.

“Uh huh.” Was his soft reply.  ”It’s been a while.” He leaned to kiss him again. “I kind of missed it.”

“Me too.” He whispered against his lips. “We’ll have to do it more often,”

So they dance for a while, reminiscing about the old days, laughing and kissing every so often and just enjoying each other’s company. Once again in no hurry to move it along.  Just like normal people. And Steve was very late for the briefing but in his mind, it was well worth it.

\--

“It’s okay Buck.” He heard Steve say. “It is.”

Bucky lay with his face in Steve’s stomach, still feeling ashamed. He’d wanted to so bad. To pleasure him and make him feel as good he’d done for him. Wanted to go down on him and send him off right, but his stupid mind wouldn’t let him, conjuring up those ugly images again, which pissed him off. Causing hot tears in his eyes as he lay there, hiding his face from Steve’s view.

“It’s not.” He said in a choked voice against his skin. “I should be able do this.”

Steve had elected to come home after the briefing because they didn’t have to leave for a few hours, and Bucky had taken this opportunity to try this again. Feeling confident in himself about it but the result was still the same and here he was. Feeling like a useless piece of shit again.

“it’s normal Buck.” Steve said softly, stroking his hair. “It is.”

“How the is it normal?” Bucky snapped, getting up finally to sit up on his ankles. “I can blow that fucking asshole but not you?” He ran his hands nervously threw his hair. “Tell me that’s not fucked up Steve.”

He turned around and sat down, pulling his knees to his chest, head on his arms. He felt so upset and shameful over the whole thing. Feeling defective. He then felt Steve’s arms come around him from behind, his lips pressed into the back of his neck and he closed his eyes, his body trembling with his frustration.

“He abused you.” Steve whispered into neck. “And you’re still confused about it and that is perfectly normal Buck.”

A part of Bucky knew he was right, because Amelia had said something similar in therapy. That he was confusing his abuse with an actual consensual act and that was fucking everything up for him. That it was intertwined with this stubborn idea he had that he owed Steve this. Which was something he couldn’t quiet put into words as well.

“No it’s just screwed up.” He replied angrily. “I’m screwed up.” He let out a shuddering breath and just said it finally. “You do so much for me and I.. can’t even return the favor..”

“Is that what you think?” Steve asked with an incredulous tone. “You think you owe me a goddamn blowjob?” He reached his hand up and turned Bucky’s face to his. “Bucky listen you don’t owe me anything okay? Absolutely nothing.”

He bit his lip, turning his head away again. “I feel like I do though.” He said quietly, his fingers playing nervously on the bed. “I can’t explain it.”

Steve pressed his lips to Bucky’s shoulder, causing him to close his eyes. “Just try okay?” He asked softly, tightening his arms around Bucky’s waist. “Talk to me.”

Bucky shifted his eyes to the right, trying to think. Trying to find the answer inside him. In the fragmented memories that may not have always been clear but still haunted his nightmares. Voices and images blending together, sometimes mixed up in the wrong places. This was still an issue when he tried to actually access these things. The numerous wipes and head splitting traumas had still blocked large portions of them. But he found something just the same, scattered around his mind.

“I remember waking up after another operation and he… Zola.. said that they’d made me better, stronger.. that they’d improved me.” He told him, keeping his voice flat as if recalling a basic fact. “He said I was alive and improved because of them... and that..” He closed his again, finding the words. “I should be grateful for that..”

He remembered not feeling too grateful at the time. Feeling violated and trapped. And feeling the implication from them that they now owned him, that his life was essentially in their hands. That they had the complete power over him to decide how painful that life was. And that after a certain point he owed them for, well, for saving him and taking care of him. That this was his home now. That they were all he had. And through serious conditioning, pain and manipulation he had come around to that belief as well. To point where he couldn’t leave even if he wanted to. And would do whatever they wanted him to do. To let himself be programmed and sent out to kill like a machine. Because that’s all he was to them.

And of course, to allow abuse without even trying to fight back. Lets not forget that

Amelia had called this Stockholm Syndrome, which was a term Bucky hadn’t been aware of until then. He had talked about this in therapy and had been told that the effects of this can take a long time to undo. That they had, in a sense, destroyed his sense of self and individuality in order to brainwash him into group-think and assert total control over him. And they had essentially convinced him he had an actual choice in the things he did as a result.  A part of him was still stuck in that line of thinking even after all this time.

“I owed them my life.” He told Steve. “Maybe that’s why I did all those things for them.”

“They made you do those things Buck.” Steve said angrily. “You don’t owe them shit.”

He still wasn’t sure about that. It was all messed up in his mind because they were just starting to scratch the surface of this in therapy. The anxiety and PTSD had been immediate priority.  But Bucky knew he had some seriously deep wounds. Shit had been pulled on his mind that he was just beginning to figure out now. But at least, to some degree it was finally starting to get addressed.

“Maybe I do.” He said finally. “They did save my life. Fixed me up and took care of me.” He lowered his head, biting his lip. Feeling confused by it all. “Maybe they were right.”

“No Buck.” He heard Steve tell him, really sounding angry now. “They didn’t take care of you, they used and hurt you for their own reasons. You owe them nothing.”  

“I don’t know.. maybe” He told him, still entirely convinced. “Maybe that’s why I feel like I owe you something because you.. take care of me so much.”

He felt Steve’s hand on his face, pulling it to face him. “It’s not the same thing.” He told him firmly. “I don’t do that because I want something from you. I do it because I love you.”  

The words hit him hard because he realized he was doing it again, confusing Steve’s motivations with those of his captors. He knew Steve didn’t expect anything out of him and the fact that he thought he might’ve showed just screwed up he was inside still. Attributing a motive to him that only belonged to people that had hurt him, when Steve never had.

He couldn’t deal with this and just turned in Steve’s arms, burying his face in his shoulder. “I know.” He whispered against his shoulder, feeling those stupid tears in his eyes again. “I’m sorry.”

Steve’s hand cradled his head and he spoke right into his ear. “Stop being sorry.” His voice was soft as he spoke. “it’s not your fault.”

He knew Steve kept saying that just hoping it would sink in someday, and sometimes Bucky thought it was to some degree. Some days he felt it, some days he didn’t. He just nodded against his shoulder for now, acknowledging it for the moment.

“As for shit like that.” He heard Steve tell him, his hand rubbing his back. “It can wait.” He pressed his lips to the side of Bucky’s head and then spoke in his ear. “Until you’re ready.”

In his heart, Bucky knew he was right, that he wasn’t there yet. That his head was not in the right place for that particular action as much as he wanted it to be. He lifted is head and smiled before kissing him on the lips softly, letting his hands rest on Steve’s face, his legs on either side of his.

“Thank you.” He whispered to him, keeping his lips against his.

“For what?”

“For being your sweet, stupid self.” Bucky answered, pulling back to look him in the eyes. “That’s all.”

“You’re welcome jerk.” He replied, rubbing his nose against Bucky’s which made him wrinkle his nose.

“So.” He asked, maneuvering a little on Steve’s lap, eager to lighten the mood a little. “How long until you have to leave?”

Steve seemed to look over Bucky’s shoulder at the clock. “About an hour or so.” He answered, brushing some of Bucky’s hair out of his eyes.

“Hmm.” Bucky mused, tapping Steve’s shoulder as if thinking hard. “Might be just enough time.”

Steve raised an eyebrow. “For what?”

Bucky smiled knowingly. Truth was he felt somewhat ready to reengage so to speak. Especially seeing as how Steve was going to be gone for several days and all. His body was craving a release and even though he couldn’t do what he’d really wanted to do initially, the rest of him was working just fine.

“Stop being dense Rogers.” He sassed, leaning to kiss him again. “You know what I’m talking about.”

Steve grinned against his lips and pulled him tighter against him, his hand fisting a good handful of Bucky’s hair as they kissed deeply. Bucky felt himself turned around and suddenly his back was on the bed again and his remaining clothes were getting pulled off. His fingers skated over Steve’s back as grinned into their kiss, his body lighting up with anticipation.

“I’ve always got time for that.” Steve said to him, leaning over him, a glint in his eyes and that husky growl in his voice. “Hell.. I’ll make time.”

“You’d be late again for little old me?” Bucky teased, sighing as Steve’s lips made their way down his body.

Steve looked up at him and smiled. “I’d stop time itself for you sweetheart.”

Bucky actually laughed, throwing his head back on the pillow. “You’re so fucking corny.” He said, the stupidest grin on his face, his hands digging into Steve’s hair.

“Yeah maybe.” Steve replied, lifting one of Bucky’s legs over his shoulder. “But you love it.”

He did, loved his sweet corniness like nothing else. It gave him a sense of hone, of place. He was about to reply when Steve’s lips bit down softly on his inner thigh, causing him to moan thickly and lose his train of thought for a moment. God he fucking loved when he did that. Wanting him to mark him up all over again so he could feel it all over his body when he was gone. Wanting to be claimed again. By the one person who truly owned his soul.  

“By the way punk.” He breathed, in between thick moans as Steve’s hands gripped his ass, pulling it to his lips. “You better come back.. intact from this mission..” He wrapped his leg around Steve’s neck, giving him better access. “Or I’ll fucking…kill you…”

He was only half joking. Steve Rogers was his whole fucking life and the idea of being without him was, well, inconceivable.

Steve flicked his blue eyes up at him, and Bucky was so turned on by the sight he almost came right there. “Duly noted Sergeant.” He told him in that husky voice. “But until then…hang on.”

And then Steve used that talented mouth of his to ravage him and Bucky forgot about everything for a while. He moaned loudly, his fingers clutching the bedsheets and lost himself in it.

\--

 

Steve had a difficult time peeling himself away from Bucky that was for damn sure. The alluring feel of his naked body pressed against his was a hard pull to resist. The taste of his lips and the feel of his skin was addictive as hell.

And that vulnerability in those blue eyes of his lately had upped the difficulty factor as well.

Remembering the pain in his voice when he said he felt like he ‘owed him something’. Born out of Hydra’s abuses and horrible mind tricks on him and he’d had keep his own emotions in check once again. But knew he would lose it somewhere along the line.

So when he kissed him goodbye, he took his damn time as well, letting it linger there. Digging his fingers into Bucky’s hair and doing a damn thorough job of it. Letting him feel the love before they separated.

He was slightly late getting to plane, and once again Tony managed to look irritate and amused. A look Steve thought he should add to his patents.

“About time Cap.” He greeted him. “You know I’m shocked you two aren’t permanently attached at this point.”

Steve had to laugh, because Tony had guessed perfectly what had held him up. “Good evening to you too Tony.” He greeted, tossing his stuff on the storage compartment. He was in too good a mood to be annoyed by the tone. “Sorry for the delay.”

“No you’re not.” Tony replied with a hint of mirth. “I can tell by that stupid grin on your face.”

He wasn’t. Not the least bit. His mind turning to way Bucky had sounded when he pleasured him, the way his ankle wrapped around his neck and those metal fingers gripped his hair. And then fucking him senseless until he’d practically screaming his release to the world. To have those beautiful thighs of his clutching his hips and seeing those stunning blue eyes glaze over and roll in his head as he came. 

Yes, had zero regrets about that.

Or about the conversation they’d had before as well. The fact that Bucky was opening up more these days. Talking about those painful things now and finally, really letting him in. Steve would take all the damn time in the world he needed for him.

“Goodbyes take a long time Tony.” He told him, strapping himself in. “You should know that.”

“Usually not that long.” Tony observed, checking his equipment. “Something going on?”

Once again, Steve had debated on how much to tell him. Wanting to keep most things between him and Bucky because, well, it wasn’t anyone else’s business really. But there was always that need to talk to someone. Just about his end a little.

“He’s had a bit of a setback lately. “He confessed. “We’ve been dealing with it.”

“You could’ve told me that.” Tony informed him. “We could’ve worked around it if you need to be home.”

“It’s fine.” He sighed. “He wants me to go, said I have to do what’s good for me too.”

Tony seemed to give that some careful thought. “Well maybe he’s right.” He told Steve, leaning forward. “But you still don’t want to leave him alone do you?”

“No.” He admitted. “I don’t but.. I gotta let him work some of it out on his own too.”

Tony nodded, seeming to understand this. “You’re okay to go though right?” He asked, giving him that look. “Cause I don’t want you distracted and getting hurt, because Barnes will definitely come after me for it. “ He gave a half joking, half serious smile. “Don’t want any more arms getting blown off or anything.”

Steve was about to get irritated that he’d made a joke about that, but he realized that was just Tony’s way of brushing it off. It was his way of dealing with that particular issues for now.  And he might have been right too.

“I’ll be fine.” He informed him. “Besides he’s more likely to kick my ass than yours.” Steve smiled remembering Bucky’s words earlier. “He’s told me as much many times.”

He saw Tony actually smile at that, as he had personal experience with statements like that as well. His thoughts then drifted to Bucky, saying that yet again. It was part in mirth and in the heat of passion, but Steve had detected a hint of desperate truth in it too. That if anything had happened to him, it would be very bad for Bucky. It made him want to be extra careful now. Because he now had something to go home to.  Someone who worried about him despite his sass and snark.

It was one his mind for quite a while that day, along with the other things he’d confessed as well. And Steve turned it over in his mind during the long flight.

\--

Bucky got the text from Sam while he was in the middle of potentially destroying another punching bag. And he was quite glad to go it.

Steve had been gone for about 24 hours or so, and while he managing without him quite well, he still missed his idiot quite a bit. He had slept on the couch, per usual when Steve was gone, but nighttime was still somewhat rough for him to sleep, especially when he didn’t have that other body to curl up next to. And to keep you on whatever you were sleeping on when the inevitable nightmare struck. He had ended up on the floor more than once that night.

Amelia had told him that nightmares were another way for out bodies to purge poison out of them. In this case, from his head. And Bucky knew he had a lot to purge and would probably be having them the rest of his life, which didn’t make it easier to deal with.

Because he hated them. Especially without Steve around now.

He hadn’t slept much that night and hat a fitful sleep on the couch as well, which was making him just a bit irritable. And the last nightmare had been particularly brutal, causing him to end up on his hands and knees on the floor, breathing hard and feeling sick.

_In that one, he’d found himself chained to the wall in that damn room, the light flickering over his head. That defective fan making noises. He was being punished for something, didn’t remember what just knew the manacle around his neck and the ones on his wrists were there for a reason. Hell the reason wasn’t important was it? The idea was, transgressions weren’t allowed. Questioning wasn’t allowed._

_He stared into what looked like a mirror, but he knew was one-way glass. They were watching him. He could see his own reflection and stared into it. Seeing the icy, angry eyes of the Winter Soldier staring back at him. His hair in his face, blood on the side of it. And started banging the back his head against the concrete wall angrily, feeling the bite of the manacle around his neck._

_Something released him from the chains, and he fell on the floor on his hands and knees and that door opened again. And that voice started talking._

_“We must have order Soldier…” it said.._

_And it started to hurt._

When he came to, he was kneeling on the floor, taking in huge gulps of air, feeling the pounding in his head, and took several minutes just to get himself under control. He wasn’t sure whether it was dream or a damn flashback, he just couldn’t tell the difference anymore.

And it was mostly about this. The torture.

To be honest, he didn’t have a lot of memories of the killings, despite what many thought. Other than Howard and Maria Start that was. And that was only because he’d seen it on tape, which had triggered the horrific memory. The rest were just, jumbled, fragmented memories of bloodshed that randomly struck him at night. Nothing specific. And he thought maybe he knew why.

Because by then, his mind and body had belonged mostly to the Winter Soldier. Those memories were his.

He supposed he could access them if he really tried, but the truth is, he didn’t want to. It was a form of avoidance he used to protect himself because honestly, he wasn’t sure if he could deal with that yet. Or ever. Knowing he was responsible for all those deaths was more than enough torment for his guilt-ridden mind as it was.

His own memories of torture, abuse, and  conditioning were enough to deal with. His mind had still been partly his own at that point, before the cumulative traumas had succeeded in fracturing his mind to a point where memory became difficult to access.

And what did remember was horrible and gruesome. Stalking him in the night and the day. It was what kept him inside the house these days. Even though these visions and nightmares happened there too, it felt safe here. So he continued to avoid the outside world. Especially without Steve around.

And it still pissed him off as well. Because he felt like it was starting to control him again. So once he gathered himself he decided to take some more aggression on a poor hapless punching bag.

The feeling of adrenaline that came from getting a square hit with his metal arm, that kinetic energy pulse, felt so good, it was now almost addicting. The power that came from every hit, blasted through his body, like the best of his orgasms did, providing a high that he actually loved.

Although he had to admit, those orgasms still beat this by country mile. There was nothing better than what Steve did to him on a regular basis.  But this was a close second.

It was a good release of that anger and tension.

And he was wrecking the hell out of this bag too. The metal arm tearing it up like nothing else. Steve might have to get another bag. But he already said he didn’t mind, if it helped him. Bucky called him a damn idiot because he’d be spending a fortune on punching bags at this rate, but Steve just smiled that beautiful smile of his that always melted his heart. Because well, Bucky loved this particular idiot so much it hurt sometimes.  A damn good kind of hurt too.

Once he was satisfied that he’d gotten enough aggression out, he sat down and checked his phone. Fining a message from Steve that said ‘I miss you’ with that teddy bear emoji next to it. Bucky smiled at this corniness, he’d always pretended he hated being called that but he secretly loved it. But still shot him back an annoyed emoji face before saying he missed him too. 

And there was also a message from Sam as well. ‘Heading your way’ it said simply. It was an advanced warning, because Sam knew Bucky didn’t care for surprise drop-ins. One of the many reasons being that he simply never knew when a bad day was going to flare up.

And the other reason. Which was why they had a security system.

When he’d first come back after being released, he still hadn’t felt safe yet. A paranoid part of him still thinking someone was going to come for him. And because they had been besieged by press and curiosity seekers always wanting to ask about the Winter Soldier and Hydra, which had done nothing for Bucky’s mental health. So a camera system had been installed to let them see who was outside the door simply by hitting a button. And Bucky had gotten quite skilled at using it.  It gave him piece of mind, and some sense of control. Which was the main reason Steve had gotten it put in.

So after he got himself some water he heard the doorbell ring, and checked the camera to make sure it was, in fact Sam. And let him in.

“Damn you like shit.” Was the first thing Sam said as he came in.

“Thanks.” Bucky replied sarcastically. “I work hard on that look.”

“So when was the last time your pasty ass was outside?” Sam asked as Bucky handed him a water.

Bucky tried to think of exactly when that was. “My last appointment I think.” He told him, finishing his own bottle. “So maybe about 3-4 days.”

“Alright well you’re coming out to lunch with me then.” Sam told him. “No arguments either Barnes.” He leaned against the counter. “Besides they miss your ornery ass at the VA.”

“They did?”

“Yeah they were worried you were sick again.” Sam informed him. “I told them you were just having a rough patch. Which most people there totally get.”

Bucky didn’t contradict it in any way. He was having a hard time that was for sure. The idea of leaving the house getting more intimidating day by day. Which was frustrating because he did miss going outside. But once again here was Sam, extending a helping hand with his outgoing nature.

“I suppose I could pay a visit.” Bucky surprised himself into saying. “Why the hell not?”

“Good.” Sam said to him, finishing his own water. “Because locking yourself up inside is not gonna help.” He tapped Bucky’s arm lightly, non-threateningly. “So lets go get some lunch have ourselves a chat okay?”

Even if the idea of stepping outside terrified him, it still sounded like a great idea. So for the first time in several days he grabbed his coat and actually left the house. Braving the inevitable panic attack for the idea of just taking back a little bit of his life again.

\--

Steve thought maybe he was distracted which was why it happened.

They were clearing the street of the leftover insurgents when all of a sudden there was a bang that sent his ears ringing, drowning out the rest of the sound before knocking him into the nearest wall. His head smashed against the wall and stars immediately appeared in front of his eyes, immediately and stupidly making him think of one those Bugs Bunny cartoons. Which in turn caused him to laugh in spite of the fact that was, currently, almost imbedded in the wall.

“Cap!” A muted voice came over the intercom in his ear, he could barely hear, it sounded far away, like in a tunnel. “Are you there? Cap?”

He could barely get his eyes to focus, never mind make out the voice. The dust was settling around him, and he had this sensation of blood running down the side of his face. But he was still laughing over the stupid damn stars for some reason.

Suddenly another fiery flash and then a blur of red and gold was in front of him. He felt hands on his shoulders and heard the voice, still sounding like it was in a tunnel, but closer this time. Suddenly he could make out a face to go with the words.

It was Tony. Looking concerned. “Cap?” He asked. “You okay? You with us?”

Suddenly he became aware he was in pain as well and tried to move but Tony held him still. “Don’t move.” He told him. “You smacked your head pretty good. Not that’s much in the damage.”

Steve actually laughed because that was something Bucky would say. Shit. Bucky was gonna be pissed when he saw him. “I’m good I just need to stand up.”

“You should probably stay the hell down right now. “

He saw another blur of black, and some red hair. Natasha most likely. And the ringing in his ears was finally clearing.  “Dammit Rogers. “She said with her usual sarcastic tone. “That would’ve killed anyone else.”

“Yeah sure whatever. “ Steve said, needing to get up now. “I’m good.”

He managed to get to his feet but felt dizzy enough to lean against the wall. Oh yeah felt like a damn concussion. Bucky was definitely going to kick his ass for that. Once his head recovered that was. He shook off the dizziness and any attempt to help him walk just yet.

They’d finally gotten back to the Quinjet and he’d finally agreed to sit down and get some medical treatment for his head, which was now throbbing quite a bit. Felt like a huge lump on the side of it and like head wounds did, continued to bleed forever. Steve thought it as a damn good thing Bucky couldn’t see him right now because he could imagine his reaction to it.

He supposed as he was sitting there, letting Nat fix up the side of his face, that maybe he had been so concerned about being careful, that he wasn’t being careful. At least not as aware of things as he should be. And because part of his mind had been on Bucky as well, and if he was, in fact okay right now.

He had Skyped him last night, just to check on him and he seemed fine, going so far as to show him he was wearing his slippers and such. Teasing him about the potential fun they would have when he got home. Basically being himself. Steve had to wonder if he was just putting on a front to make him feel better but there wasn’t any way he could know that for sure. And the fact that it would be another full day before he got home due to the length of the flight he just couldn’t help wondering. 

“Well looks like you’re ground Rogers.” Nat told him, shaking her head. “Boss’s orders.”

“What?” He asked her, pulled out of his thoughts.

“Your head got cracked pretty good that’s what.” Tony said, coming over to them now. “Not that that hurts you that much and all.. but you’re done for a while. Consider it medical leave.”

“Tony I’m fine.”

“Just stop arguing for once Cap.” He was told adamantly. “That’s a damn order.”

Steve had a feeling it wasn’t just the head injury that was causing Tony to do this. He’d noticed that Steve had been distracted and maybe just used it as an opportunity to give him some more time off. As much as it irritated Steve maybe it wasn’t a bad idea.

“Alright.” He sighed, his head throbbing like crazy.

Home did sound pretty damn good right now.    

\--

He had come to a decision at the diner. Mostly because what he was afraid of almost happened again.

They had been chatting, Sam putting him at ease by talking about some tv shows he was watching and highly recommended. Bucky had been relieved that Sam hadn’t mentioned the almost full-blown panic attack he’d had leaving the house. Just going the 15 feet from the porch to the car had taken tremendous effort to accomplish.

Shortened breathing, increased heart-rate, brightness in vision. A hyper-awareness of his surroundings. Watching for anything that might trigger him. Every sound and movement causing him to tense with fear.

But he’d made it. Had gotten in the car and now here they were, and Bucky had to admit it was nice to be out. To have something for lunch other than peanut butter and jelly, not that he didn’t like that but, yeah it was good. And then Sam finally asked him a serious question.

“So did you talk to her about this crap your dealing with?” He asked. “Amelia I mean?”

Bucky was surprised at first but answered the question in spite of it. “Yeah.”

“And what did she say?”

“Said maybe I could.. take some medication or something to help it.” He admitted, drinking some coffee. “Said I’d think about it.”

“It might not be a bad idea.”

Bucky snorted. “That’s exactly what Steve said too.”

“But you’re still on the fence about it.” Sam observed, sitting back against the seat, his arm slung over the top. “What’s the hold up?”

Once again Bucky wasn’t sure how much he wanted to say. Opening up to people was still an effort for him. But he thought maybe bouncing it off another person would help him make a decision.  So elected to just be honest and things fall where they may.

“They used to.. drug me when I was in there.” He confessed, his hand nervously playing with the coffee spoon. “It was.. one of the ways they controlled me I think, broke down some resistance I guess.” He looked out the window, watching people walk by going about their seemingly normal lives. “Said it was supposed to help with the pain but it just.. messed my head all up. “

Sam seemed to have an understanding look on his face and leaned over onto the table crossing his arms. “I could see how that would make you think twice about it.” He said with a softer tone. “But if Amelia suggested this it’s because she’d thinks it’ll help you.  And you trust her right?”

“Yeah.” He said honestly. “I do.. but it’s just.. I’m just not sure about it.”

“Just give it some thought man that’s all we’re saying.”

He nodded, looking out the window again, his mind in flux. He was afraid of the medication just like he was afraid of a lot of things. Remembering being force fed them by his guards. And the way they had scrambled his mind, made him more confused than he already was. Having fragmented memories of being sleep deprived and feeling strangely high at the same time. Of seeing things that weren’t there. His resistance had waned a bit as result. And he knew Amelia and everyone else wasn’t trying to fuck him up like that, but it was hard to get over that paranoia about it just the same.

His hand trembled ever so slightly causing the spoon in his coffee to clank. And because his senses were still on high alert it was probably why he could hear certain things over the normal din of the diner.

The ceiling fan, slightly loose and making a barely audible clank as it spun over their heads. And the voices of two men talking several booths down. Their voices low but audible to Bucky’s heightened hearing.

They were speaking in Russian. And because his mind had honed in on it, he could pick out specific words. One in particular that caused his hand to grip the table spasmodically.

Loosely translated it meant _Longing_. The first word they’d used. The one that always caused his body to start shaking.

Because it started the sequence.

Now the triggers had been removed from his head in Wakonda but it didn’t stop the fear that any of those words, stated in that language, brought into him on a subconscious level.  He remembered what it had been like to be trapped in that cage, to hear those words being read to him and unable to stop it or block it out.  How the red came over his field of vision and he was gone. Feeling that initial terror rise in him as it started to take over.

The fan made that barely audible clank over his head and he gripped the table hard, afraid to touch anything else. Everything seemed bright and out of focus. The urge to take off, to lash out in defense very strong and Sam could clearly see it.

“You okay?” He asked, leaning over the table but not too close. “Barnes.”

He was in pain, the screaming blue light still vibrating in his head as he heard those words starting to be read to him. Bringing on an endless nightmare that he only truly remembered in his deepest sleep and it was horrendous. It was like he was there, sitting in that chair, his body still shaking off the electric pulses, his mind barely conscious from the freeze. They never gave him time to even think before they started. And he was amazed and horrified that he even remembered this.

Because this memory was the Winter Soldiers and he didn’t want it.

“Barnes?” He heard Sam from far away ask again. “You’re not there man. It’s okay.”

His hand spasmodically moved, knocking his drink over, causing the waitress to come over wanting to wipe it up, and Bucky could see though his haze that Sam waved her off. Which was a good idea because he was terribly afraid of what he might do if someone else came to close to him right now.

“It’s alright man.” He heard Sam say to him again, the voice pulling him out of the fog again. “Just relax.”

Suddenly things cleared up and he was there again, at least somewhat. “Shit.” He said under his breath, feeling kind of awful now. Even a bit embarrassed. “I knew this would happen.”

Sam took some napkins and wiped the drink, fortunately it wasn’t a completely full glass but still. “It’s happens it’s okay.“ He told him. “You alright?”

He wasn’t. He was still shaking slightly, still getting his breathing under some control. This had to stop. He had to get it under some level of control so he cold deal with it. He knew what he had to do even if he was afraid to, because, honestly, he could not go on like this. He just couldn’t. Could not let this keep fucking him up like this and controlling his life. So pushing his fear back as much as he could he made a decision. Took another step forward.

“I think I need that medication.” He told Sam finally. “I think I gotta do it.”

“You sure about that?”

Searching his head, he elected to be honest again. “Not really but..” He paused, biting his lip. “I have to do something so.”

Sam nodded. “Alright then.” He said as he finished cleaning up. “That’s good.” Giving him a strong smile as a show of support. “We’ll go down to the VA and talk about it how’s that sound?”

“Sounds good.” Bucky replied, letting a deep breath. “Lets’ do that.”

\--

Steve had finally gotten home very late that night. Natasha had driven him home because his heads was in no condition for driving. He had taken a few pain-killers but this was going to be a bitch of headache. Once he got in the door he dropped everything on the floor next to it and realized the house was pretty damn quiet.

Bucky’s keys were clearly not on the hook either and his jacket was gone.

He’d gone out. Steve felt strange mixture of worry and pride at this thought.  That he’d finally ventured outside for once. He sat down heavily on the couch, debating on whether to call him to check, or to just trust him to come home fine. He opted for the latter, not wanting to smother or stifle this possible independence. So he waited, feeling a bit groggy and not really wanting to move.

He must’ve dozed a little because suddenly he was woken up by the sound of the key in the lock and looked up to see Bucky coming in the door. Wearing his Dodgers hat, his brown jacket and jeans. He had what looked like a plastic bag in his hand as well, but Steve barely registered that, was just happy to see him after several days away.

“Hey you.” He called out. “You miss me?”

Bucky turned and registered Steve’s presence, his eyes widening in relief at seeing him. “Steve?” He said happily, putting the bag on the table and making a beeline for him. And then stopped when he saw what condition he was in. “What the hell happened to you?”

“Banged my head.” He told him as Bucky came right to him and dropped on his knees, taking his face in his hands. “It’s not a big deal. “

“I’ll be the judge of that punk.” Bucky said sharply, putting his fingers right the raised lump on Steve’s head causing him to wince. “Jesus fucking Christ!”

Steve was amused by Bucky’s concern and mother-henning. “It’s just a concussion I’ll be fine.”

“Just a concussion?” Bucky asked incredulously and got up to get an ice-pack. “You can’t afford to lose anymore more brain-cells you goddamn idiot.”

He looked so worried Steve saw, watching him kneel back down and press the pack to his head. He was biting his lip in worry which was why he seemed angry Steve realized. He wanted to reassure him that it was in fact okay. He put his hand on Bucky’s other one and looked him in the eyes.

“I’m okay.” He said softly. “I really am. It’s just a bump on the head.”

“You’re such a dumbass.” Bucky said, seemingly letting out a sigh. “What the hell did I tell you about being careful dammit?”

That’s when Steve remembered the fact that he was out when he got home. And the bag. And found a convenient excuse to change the subject. “You went out?” He asked as Bucky continued to swear under his breath at Steve’s dented head.

Bucky looked at him crossly for a moment before registering the question. “Yeah.” He answered finally. “Sam picked me up.“ And added as an afterthought. “We had lunch.”

Steve marveled at how nonchalant about this, as if he hadn’t spent the better part of a week holed up in the house. And he also realized it was it was after 10. “Just lunch?” He asked. “It’s pretty late.”

“We went to the Medical Center.” Bucky told Steve, adjusting the ice-pack causing Steve to wince. “Had to take care of something.”

It was Steve’s turned to feel worried now, wondering if he was sick again. “Are you okay?”

Bucky bit his lip and seemed to focus his attention to keeping a compress on Steve’s head. “No I’m not.” He admitted. “It’s why I went there. I needed some help.”

He put Steve’s hand on the compress and went over to the table to retrieve the bag he’d brought home. He brought it over and pulled it out, and Steve saw it a prescription bag from the pharmacy. He read what it said on the side of it and looked up at Bucky, feeling another strange mix of pride and concern. It was an anti-anxiety medication, he recognized it. Zoloft.

“I had a panic attack when I left the house today.” He explained. “And at the diner I almost had an incident and I realized that I couldn’t keep doing this you know?” He finally met Steve’s eyes. “I need a little help.”

“Are you sure about this?” He asked, putting his hand on Bucky’s and squeezing it.

“Not completely but.” Bucky replied, putting it down on the floor and taking over the compress again.. “But I know I need it.  I can’t let it control me like that. “ He swallowed painfully. “Can’t let them control me like anymore.”

Steve could see his hand shaking slightly and he squeezed it again, trying to calm him. “I’m glad you did this.” He told him, using his now free hand to brush some of his hair back. “It’s gonna help you.”

“It’s only temporary, just to level me out until I can figure it out.” Bucky told him, closing his eyes. “But I am still kind of… freaked out about it.”

Steve had remembered how he’d been when he was sick, refusing the medicine, thinking it was a trick or some form of mind control. He thought it was another good sign that while Bucky was still clearly afraid of this, he was willing to try it. Taking more steps to help himself and take some control over it. He was so proud of him for that. 

He winced a little as Bucky adjusted the ice-pack again. He felt tired. The 8 hour plane flight not helping even if it was on a Qunnjet. He saw Bucky’s face pinch in concern again as he took the pack off and inspected the injury again. Thinking Bucky had a lot of experience treating Steve’s injuries. And it sure as hell wasn’t Steve’s first head injury. But he seemed really worried about this one.

“Good thing I got a hard head huh?” He joked, trying to reassure him again.

Bucky rolled his eyes in exasperation. “You’re still fucking idiot Rogers. “ He told Steve, a little anger creeping into his voice. “Don’t know why I put up with your dumb ass sometimes.”

“I missed you too jerk.” Steve replied and planted a kiss on his lips,

Bucky reciprocated the kiss and Steve could feel him actually smiling into as he continued to hold the ice-pack to his head. “Don’t think you’re getting out of this punk.” He breathed against his lips, pushing him down onto the couch and climbing over him. “I’m still gonna kick your ass when you’re better.”

Steve smiled up at him, his head feeling a lot better. “Sure you will.”

“I mean it dumbass.” Bucky told him, looking somewhat serious now. “Be more fucking careful will you?”

The mirth seemed to be gone and what Steve saw fear and worry instead. He reached his hand up and put it on Bucky’s face, holding it there as he looked up at him. “I’m sorry Buck.” He whispered. “I really am.”

“You’re all I got left.” Bucky said quietly, his fingers tracing lightly over the bruise on his head. “If anything happened to you..”

He didn’t have to finish. Steve could see it his eyes. His whole world was wrapped up in him. He reached up and pulled him down into his arms, letting his head rest on his chest. “I’ll be more careful Buck.” He whispered to him, his hand resting on his head. “I promise.”

He felt Bucky nod against his chest and then nuzzle his face against his shoulder. “I missed you punk. “ He said quietly, snuggling against him on the couch. “I actually fell off the bed a few times to be honest.”

Steve chuckled at bit at that, even tough he knew it was from some of his nightmares, the tone in Bucky’s voice indicated he was making some light of it. He wrapped his arm tighter around, feeling like he could sleep right here on the couch. Thinking they probably would.

“Well I’m here now.” He said into his hair and rested his chin on top of Bucky’s head.  “That won’t happen anymore.”

He felt Bucky reach up and stuff a pillow under his aching head, taking care of him now. A blanket was pulled over them both and Steve felt drowsy. It had been a long day and his head hurt. He felt Bucky crawl under the blanket with him on the couch as he started to fall asleep, snuggling against his shoulder.

“I love you, you dumb punk.” He heard Bucky whisper to him. It was the last thing he heard before he fell asleep and it was a pretty damn perfect way to end the day in his opinion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay a few things..
> 
> Stockholm Syndrome is the forming of a bond between hostages (of many types) and their captors, in which the prisoner comes to rely and even depend on their captors for their very survival. The prisoners can even adopt mindsets of the captors and even sympathize with them to some degree. They also find it nearly impossible to leave them as well. To the point where their captor could actually leave the door open and they wouldn't even try to escape. 
> 
> This was online as a description of the people who suffer from it.  
> "The relationship that develops between hostages and their captors is now known as “the Stockholm Syndrome,” a type of emotional bonding that is in reality a survival strategy for victims of emotional and physical abuse— including not only hostages, but also battered spouses and partners, abused children, and even POWs.
> 
> Brainwashing and Stockholm syndrome are closely related effects of abnormal power relationships. "
> 
> It is pretty much canon that Bucky suffered from this as well from a large degree which explains why they could also send him on missions on his own and he would mostly return. Or why in that memorable scene in TWS that did not even try to fight back against Pierce's abuse. This is very important to understand in the behavior of not only hostages upon release, but also in sex-trafficed workers, abused spouses and partners, cult members, and in Bucky's cas POW's. The question why they don't just 'leave' and being judged for that, fails to understand the level of manipulation that goes on in those situations. It will play out more as well in this fic to be honest because it's part of Bucky's story and how he establishes independence finally. 
> 
> Zoloft is an actual drug that is used to treat PTSD related anxiety, it can help ease and relax those feelings of fear and anxiety and it's one of the few drugs approved for it. I also want to point out it's not a quick fix or a solution, it's simply to help out. 
> 
> It think this chapter was more about Bucky to reclaim himself from the crippling anxiety as having as a result of this PTSD and making choices for himself, which is extremely important, especially in light of the abuse and the SS. 
> 
> Thank you all once again for your lovely comments I appreciate them so much. :)


	16. Somewhere only we know

“Will you stop taking pictures?” Bucky asked, laughing as he looked up at Steve. “I think you’ve got enough.”

He was laying on the bed, Steve basically straddling him, taking what Bucky assumed was the hundredth pictures of him he’d taken with his phone that day. And Bucky had an idea that half of those pictures were of him looking  annoyed. And the other half, like this one, was him laughing and trying to swat the phone out of his hand.

“Sorry sweetheart.” Said Steve as he merrily snapped another picture. “I can never have enough pictures of my beautiful teddy bear..”

Bucky rolled his eyes and laughed again, swatting him with one of the pillows. “You’re such a fucking  punk Rogers.” He said as he continued to giggle stupidly. “If people only knew.”

Steve just grinned at him and snapped another picture before finally putting the phone aside and bent down, taking Bucky’s face and smothering his lips in sweet kiss. And Bucky had no further complaints at the moment, just sighed into it, reveling in the moment, his chest still hitching stupid giggles every so often. Steve’s hand slid down over his denim clad hips and Bucky could feel the warmth of them through the material, those giggles dissolving into soft moans at the feel of it.

It was a nice day so far.

It had been a couple weeks since he’d started the medication and he was feeling a bit better, was actually able to leave the house and function somewhat, but he knew this was only temporary. It was meant simply to level him out while he worked through it in therapy and that’s exactly what it did. He still had nightmares, still had an occasional anxiety attack, but was managing a bit better at least.  So all things considered it was doing what it was supposed to do, and that was allow him somewhat function normally for the time being.

He knew it wasn’t going to cure anything. He had still had work through that shit on a daily basis. But he was coping better at least.

Steve’s concussion hadn’t been too severe, and he seemed to rebound fairly quickly from it after a few days of headaches and tiredness. Days in which Bucky was more than happy to take care of him as well, mother-henning him to point of annoyance for Steve. But by the fourth day Steve was ambulatory and now he was showing minimal effects from it.

Now that being said, Tony had given him a few weeks off and they were both happy for that reprieve. Steve had expressed relief at the idea of being able to around while Bucky was adjusting to his medication, and the complicated feelings he had about it still. He had to be reminded that it was helping him at first because the side-effects were a bit daunting. Especially the more erratic than usual sleep and mood swings in the first week of it.  He was tired and a bit irritable and felt off and he had needed Steve around during that time to call the occasional paranoia that still afflicted him about it. So to be honest, Bucky was grateful he was home too, at least for now.

Even if Steve had been annoying him the picture taking lately.

When their lips finally parted, Steve smiled down at him, his body now resting between Bucky’s bent legs. “You made for a good subject today beautiful.” He said softly to him, his fingers brushing a strand of hair back from Bucky’s forehead. “You’re stunning.”

Bucky felt himself flush at the way Steve said that, seeing the intense truth in his eyes. When he said it like that, he could almost believe it. He bit his lip and nuzzled his face against Steve’s, feeling the bristle of his three-day old beard against his cheek, fingers fisting his shirt, pulling on it slightly.

“Am I now?” He asked into his ear, suddenly eager to hear more praise.

“Uh huh.” Steve replied, nuzzling his face into Bucky’s neck, starting to suck another mark into it. “And you should see yourself when you cum.”  His lips were right by Bucky’s ear, his breath tickling it with every word. “You look so beautiful that I just want to fuck you all day..”

Bucky actually moaned at those words, his fingers flexing into Steve’s shirt. “Is that so?” He breathed, his head fall against the pillow.

“Sure is.” He heard Steve say, in between sucking on his neck. “I love watching you when I’m inside you..” He bit down softly, and Bucky’s eyes rolled in his head. “I can’t get enough of that sight.”

Bucky moaned again, suddenly feeling like he had too much damn clothes on, his body aching for this now. For Steve to strip him of all of them and just fuck him into that beautiful oblivion. He felt Steve’s lips leave his neck and smother his again and he was just about gone now. The feel of Steve’s body over his and his hands on his waist, sliding teasingly under his shirt was almost to much for him. He was so keyed up now, pressing himself against Steve now.  Bucky felt his hands slid down and pull his hips against his and he groaned, badly wanting out of his clothes now.

“Steve..” He groaned, practically begging now. “Please..”

Suddenly Steve pulled away with a knowing grin, bracing his hands on either side of Bucky’s. “Not now..” He told him, a mischievous glint in his eyes. “Later.”

“What?” Bucky said incredulously. “Are you fucking serious.?”

“Patience my pet.” Steve said in that irritatingly jovial voice. “It’ll be worth the wait trust me.”

Bucky was so worked up, his body thrumming with need that he was actually pissed about this. This wasn’t the first time he’d done this to him, and he knew Steve knew it drove him crazy to have to wait.  He could see the smug grin on his face and his hand searched for something to throw at him, finding a pillow and doing just that, watching as Steve dodged it easily.

“You’re such a fucking tease Rogers.” He snapped, sitting up and crossing his arms. “I swear to fucking God.”

Steve laughed and put his fingers on Bucky’s lips. “Such foul language.” He admonished. “From such a pretty mouth too.”  

Bucky glared at him. “Get bent punk.” He growled. “I am so gonna-“

Before he could finish, he was pulled into a damn kiss that succeeded in scrambling his thoughts. Their tongues mashed together, Steve’s hand gripping his hair tightly. He was so good at that that, that even Bucky wanted to stay pissed his couldn’t be anymore, just climbed into Steve’s lap and let himself be kissed stupid for a good solid minute.

“I got plans for you today jerk.” Steve whispered to him as he finally pulled his lips away. “Some of them involve leaving the house.” His hand was still fisting Bucky’s hair loosely. “So you’re gonna have to be patient you got that?”

Bucky nodded, unable to think properly at the moment. He hated that Steve could render him stupid like this and loved it at the same time. “Okay.” He heard himself say, completely at his mercy and perfectly alright with that. “Sure.”

“That’s my good bear.” Steve told him, pulling his lips back to his again “Knew you’d come around.”

He usually did.

Bucky thought it was quite interesting that he liked the way Steve did this sometimes. Slowed him down and made him wait for things. There was a sense of control, and maybe even a little dominance in that, but it didn’t feel like a bad kind. It was another aspect that grounded and leveled him to some degree, because, quite frankly he was unstable sometimes and would dive headlong into pretty much anything these days without regard for himself.  He didn’t mind being taken in hand sometimes, because it was Steve, and he trusted him. Knowing he wasn’t trying to control or hurt him while doing this. Unlike some others had.

Steve gave him independence but also reigned him in when he needed it and that was not a bad thing to him at at all.

He was the stable one now and Bucky needed that more than anything.

“This better be worth it punk.” He growled against his lips, his hand gripping his shirt. “After what you just pulled on me.”

Steve pulled his lips back a little and smiled, his hand still in Bucky’s hair. “Oh it will be.” He replied laying his forehead against Bucky’s “You’re gonna have fun I promise.” His other hand patted his thigh softly. “But first I gotta get you fed.”

Steve pulled him out of bed and Bucky let himself be pulled along, absently grabbing his medicine on the way, which he always took with his breakfast. Enjoying himself with a great view of Steve’s ass as he walked behind him, thinking today was turning out pretty damn good indeed.

\--

Steve took occasional moments to look at Bucky while he was driving. Sitting in the passenger seat, looking out the window, with a denim jacket on over a dark blue henley underneath. His hair was tucked behind his ear and he seemed to be taking in the scenery as if re-familiarizing himself with it.

There was a lot of things about Brooklyn that had changed but Steve was planning on reminding him today that not everything had. There were still plenty of things left.

He did seem better lately, more focused and less jittery. Which Steve knew had to do with the medication to some degree, but also in the sense he was doing something about it now. Getting a handle on it a bit more. And some days Steve swore he saw the ghost of who he used to be in his eyes. A younger more carefree version. That one he’d fallen in love with so long ago. Knowing he would never fully be that guy again but maybe he could be as close as possible to it. He was getting there, becoming stronger and putting himself together in a new way that was actually quite beautiful to see

And Steve knew, like Bucky did, that this medicine was not going to fix him. That just because he seemed good lately, there would be times when he wouldn’t be. That it would a long time to undo the damage that was done. But it was worth the effort.

Bucky was worth the effort to him.

He had gotten the idea for this little surprise trip from something that had occurred a few days ago. He had woken up to find Bucky curled up crying on the bed. It had taken a bit of comfort and cajoling to get it out of him what was wrong. He’d had some mood swings from the Zoloft, which was partly causing it but there was something else to this and when he finally admitted it, it hurt Steve’s heart to hear it.

“I can’t remember what sister looked like.” He sobbed into his shoulder, his fingers clutching back of his shirt. “Of my mom.. they’re all gone.. everything’s gone Steve.”

Steve had remembered rubbing his back, at a loss for words. Remembering what he had said to him on the phone that time too. About Ebbet’s and the Dodgers being gone and how there was nothing left but them.  How much pain had been in his voice when he said it. That he had sounded lost again. And he had this time too. And Steve had felt the loss himself, lost time and lost places.  He just pulled him back under the covers and held him until he stopped crying and fell asleep.

Oddly Bucky didn’t seem to remember this breakdown, which sometimes happened with his odd sleep behavior, but Steve did. It preyed on his mind and vowed that he would show him that some things hadn’t changed. That there was more left than the Brooklyn Bridge and old broken-down schoolyards.

 “So do we have a specific destination punk?” Bucky asked finally, looking over at him with those eyes of his. “Or are we just taking a leisurely tour of Flatbush today?”

Steve was amused that Bucky at least knew where they were. “We’re almost there.” He replied, side-eyeing him. “What did I tell you about patience sweetheart?”

Bucky rolled his eyes at him. “Okay mom.”

Steve laughed at that as he pulled into the parking lot and turned the car off. Bucky looked around slightly confused as to where there they were. Steve smiled to himself, waiting for it to come to him.

“This looks familiar.” He seemed to say, looking at the building as if thinking. “Where are we?”

Steve pointed at an old Marquee sign and he saw a look of recognition come over Bucky’s as it finally registered on his face. “You gotta be shitting me..” He said incredulously. “It’s still here?”

It was old theater, that had been refurbished, for nostalgia’s sake he supposed. He and Bucky used to go here regularly as kids, saving what little money they had to watch whatever it would play. Cartoons, movies they didn’t care. They kept going as they got older as well. It was a rare indulgence in the hard times they were living in but when they could do it, they did. And he pointed to the sign and showed Bucky what was playing as well.

“You gotta be fucking kidding..” Bucky said, shaking his head. “Wo.”

One of things this old theater did was play old movies and today it was playing a matinee of The Wizard of Oz and Steve could see a stupidly happy grin on Bucky’s face. Remembering how they’d both loved that movie when it came out.

“As I recall we saw it here originally.” He told him as they got out of the car. “Feel up for another trip to Oz?”

“Hell yeah.” Bucky said, and the happiness on his face was well worth it for Steve. “Let’s go see the Wizard punk.”

They got inside and got some old-fashioned popcorn and found seats in the back, just like when they were kids, allowing them to goof around and such. Bucky laid his head on Steve’s shoulder and threw his leg over his as well, putting the popcorn between them and it was just wonderful. The movie still having that old charm and nostalgia for them both as it began to play on the screen.

But for Steve just seeing Bucky happy like this, out and about like a normal person was what was most worth it. Reliving something he may have thought was lost to him.  It was beautiful to see his eyes light up as the movie unfolded in all its timeless glory. And it wasn’t the only thing Steve had in store for him today either. There was another stop too.

At one moment in the film he turned and saw Bucky looking up at him with bright eyes, even in the dark he could see them. He thought they might have looked at little wet too, as if the memories and nostalgia were hitting him hard.

“You okay?” He asked as quietly as possible.

Bucky didn’t answer right away, just put his hand on Steve’s face and kissed him softly right there in the back row of the theater. Steve wrapped his hand around the back of his head and pulled him a little closer, hearing the movie going on in front of them and smiling into it. Remembering how they had kissed once or twice on the sly back in the day, way up in the back of the balcony where no one else was. Maybe eve during this movie. Where it was dark enough to hide them from a society that didn’t accept this yet. Where it was dangerous to even hint a it.

Remembering that it was Bucky that had initiated it each time, being bold enough to risk it. Thinking that he was always brave like that. Wishing he knew that he still was the bravest person he knew to this day.

“This is great.” He whispered to him, nuzzling his face against his neck. “Thanks punk.”

He kissed his head and looked back at the screen. “You’re welcome jerk.”

Bucky leaned against his shoulder again, reaching for popcorn every so often and Steve just looped an around him and they lost themselves in the wonderful world of Oz for a while.

\--

He had thoroughly enjoyed watching the movie. Thinking how incredibly awesome it was that even 80 years after it had come out that people still loved it the way they had back in the day. It made him feel all kinds of things to sit there in the theater with Steve, seeing the story unfold on the big screen again, with all those beautiful colors that had fascinated him back then and still did now.

It brought him back to that soft, wonderful time when he was still pretty much whole. Before the war and Hydra had taken it all from him. It felt like being back there for a few hours and he’d forgotten everything and lived in it.

And he had to be honest, it still amazed him that he could kiss Steve in public now too, even though they were still in a dark theater, but that wasn’t the point at all. He turned to Steve in the parking lot and grabbed his jacket, pulling him to him and pressing a kiss to his lips again just for the hell of it.

“What was that for?” Steve asked, pulling back with his hands still on Bucky’s face.

Bucky smiled at him sassily, his arms around Steve’s waist. “Just felt like it.”

“Come on.” Steve told him, nudging him to the car. “We’re not done.”

Bucky raised his eyebrows at him as Steve stepped around him and unlocked the truck. “We’re not?” He asked curiously as he got in. “You got something else up your sleeve Captain?”

Steve just smiled at him knowingly. “I always do.”

He wracked his brain wondering how Steve was going to top that little experience. And looking forward to it. Wanting to extend this day as long as possible. Because it felt like a good damn day so far. So he looked forward to what Steve had planned for him next.

As they were driving along, things started to look familiar to him again. Truthfully, he hadn’t gotten down this part of Brooklyn yet for a variety of reasons.  Illness and anxiety had somewhat curbed his excursions recently. And this area was tugging something at his memory, he seemed  to remember running through these streets as a kid, usually with Steve or his sister in tow. Even though the buildings were modernized the layout was the same. And when they turned around the corner he suddenly knew why, and just let himself be stunned by it for a minute.

It was still here. Even after all this time. Still loomed over everything.

“Oh my God.” He said under his breath, seeing Steve smile as he parked the. “I can’t believe it.”

Bucky had been tangentially aware it was still here, but to see it.. It was overwhelming.

They had spent a lot of time during the summer as kids here.  Running around the boardwalk, playing the various games, spending pretty much all their money in the process. He could still smell the hot dogs and the cotton candy as if he was back there again. It may have been off-season, and it might have been modernized but he still recognized Coney Island even after all this damn time.

Especially the damn Cyclone. Bucky practically jumped out of the car to get a better look at it.

It had been modernized and updated sure, but it looked exactly the same, looming out against the blue sky like he remembered as a kid. They had kept the old-school look, including the sign, and Bucky just stood there staring at, feeling like he did in the theater. Like he’d gone back in time.

He felt Steve’s arms around him from behind as he continued to stare at it. “It’s not open right now but maybe in the summer we can come back and ride It again.” Steve said right into Bucky’s ear. “I promise I won’t get sick this time.”

Bucky smiled broadly at the memory of that. Remembering how when you got to the top you got a bird’s eye view of the beach beyond it. And the ocean, big and blue right before you dropped, screaming with joy. Remembering how he’d dragged Steve on it that time. Remember daring him to do it actually. Because you can’t shake a dare.

_“I’m not a wuss.” Steve had protested, still looking a bit sick. “I’m not.”_

_“Then prove it punk.” Bucky had dared him, grabbing his skinny wrist. “Let’s get in line.”_

He could actually see them both, against the backdrop of the roller coaster, running toward it, 13 and 12 respectively. Could see Steve’s blond hair flapping as they ran to get in line, their hands sticky from cotton candy. It was like he was there again, and it just overpowered him for a moment.

Bucky heard himself laugh, lost in the memory of what was a much simpler time for him. He barely heard Steve take the picture of them both with his phone, he was so caught up in the memory. In the is sense of place. Of home.

“See?” He heard Steve whisper in his ear. “It’s not all gone Buck.”

He leaned back into Steve’s embrace, the smile still on his face. “No.” He said softly. “I guess it isn’t.”

His eyes drifted to the Ferris Wheel and the buildings around it. It looked like they were starting to set up a few things for spring, which was only a month away. He could hear the waves on the ocean on the other side of the park, could even seen it in places. The blue water reflecting the lowering sun. The place may have been updated for modern times, but it still had that same look. The same feel. And Bucky suddenly wanted it to be summer now.  Wanted to ride the rides again, if he wasn’t a grown man now. He could feel Steve’s face nuzzling his neck as he continued to stand there for a few minutes. And realized that he was, in fact, smelling hot dogs. And not just in his memory.

“I’m hungry.” He told Steve. “A feel like a couple of hot dogs to be honest.”

He felt Steve smile against his neck. “Then we’ll go to Nathan’s.” He told him, pulling back and grabbing his hand. “They are actually open.”

Bucky was in perfect agreement, recalling eating a lot of their hot dogs when it was just this one place, not a corporate name now. He saw the outside still looked pretty similar to the way he remembered it And had a feeling the hot dogs were just as good as they used to be. He let himself be pulled along toward the store and inside. And found he was, in fact, ravenous now.

So ravenous in fact that he ordered 3 damn Coney dogs with the works and some cheese fries. And it did taste just as good as he remembered too.

“Guess you were hungry.” Steve said, amused as he ate his own multiple hot dogs.

“We must’ve ate about a hundred of these every summer I swear.” He mused. “They are still delicious.”

Steve smiled and wiped some mustard off of Bucky’s face, and Bucky looked at him softly, loving this sweet gesture. “Are you having a good day?” He asked him when he finished and picked at their shared fries.

He was. It had been a great day to be honest. No anxiety, no mood swings. Nothing. Just happy nostalgia. He had a fear in him that it wouldn’t last. That his mind would take it away from him at any minute and punish him for having the nerve to enjoy himself. To think he had a right to. Reminding him that he was still fucked in the head. He realized with some dismay that this thought was akin to start of a panic attack and he calmed himself internally. If something happened, he would deal with it, but for now, he shouldn’t worry about it.

It was beautiful February day, he was at Coney Island, enjoying a couple of Nathan’s Famous hot dogs with the love of his life and he was doing okay right now. So he focused on that.

“Yeah.” He said thoughtfully, popping a cheese fry in his mouth. “I’m having a great day.” He reached over and squeezed Steve’s hand. “All thanks to you punk.”

He saw Steve smiled at this sentiment. “Good.” He said softly reaching over and squeezing his hand. “Because you deserve it.”

He still wasn’t sure about that but didn’t put up any argument or protest about it, just ate his fries and tried to think of something to distract from any doubt crowding his mind. And then he grinned thinking of what Steve had said earlier.

 “I’d still put money on you getting sick on that thing.” Bucky mused, just unable to resist another jab. “A lot of money.”

“Oh come on.” Steve replied, actually looking offended by this assumption. “I jump out of planes now jerk I think I can handle the Cyclone.”

“I don’t believe you punk.” Bucky continued to sass, taking a playful bit of a cheese covered fry. “You gotta prove it.”

Steve just smiled and pulled Bucky forward, leaning over the condiments and the wrappers and kissed him right there, and Bucky just let himself be kissed, tasting cheese and sauerkraut on his lips and it was just so goddamn perfect.

\--

The sun was setting, causing that sparkle reflection off the water. It was cooling down at bit more now, but Steve noted Bucky didn’t seem to mind that most of the time. He supposed spending all that time in Siberia it was warm to him. He once told him that that chill never seemed to leave him sometimes, and that had made Steve a little sad, hoping someday maybe he’d feel real warmth again in his bones.

He seemed to today at least and Steve was glad for that.

Steve watched as Bucky selected stones from the beach and side-armed them into the water like he used to do when they were kids. He was always good skipping stones like that. Had that beautiful hand-eye coordination and natural grace that Steve had lacked as a kid. There were times when Steve swore he’d gotten 5 or 6 skips across the waves. Steve himself could barely managed one before it sank. And it seemed like Bucky hadn’t lost this skill either, effortlessly skipping them across the water, causing ripples in the low tide that reflected the setting sun.

It was quite a beautiful sight Steve had to admit, seeing him doing this, his hair blowing around in the breeze, an easy, peaceful smile on his face. He was glad he’d done this today.

They were on the beach behind the coaster and fairgrounds, which after lunch Bucky had expressed a desire to visit, seemingly not wanting to this day to end and Steve had to agree. It had been perfect so far.

He snapped a few more pictures of Bucky, just being happy. He’d taken a lot of pictures of him today. Wanting them for the days when he wasn’t feeling so good as a reminder. Because he knew he’d have more of those too.

“You’re still fantastic at this.” He said, walking up to Bucky who had gotten a new handful of stones. “Me however.. I still can’t.”

“Damn straight punk.” Bucky answered, flinging another stone side-arm with his right arm. Steve swore it skipped 7 times across the water. “You barely hit the water sometimes.”

“I haven’t gotten much better at it to be honest.”

Bucky chuckled, skipping another stone across the water. “You can throw that giant frisbee around, but you can’t do this?” Bucky replied and Steve could see the amusement in his eyes. “Unbelievable.”

“You could teach me.”

“Tried that already.” Bucky told him as he tossed another stone. “As a recall you almost took out the lifeguard once.”

“I can’t believe you remember that.” Steve said, shaking his head.

Bucky turned his head back to him, some mischievousness in his eyes. “I remember a lot of thing.” He told him. “I got a lot of dirt on you Captain America.”

Steve shook his head and looked at his feet for a moment. “Point taken.” He said and watched as Bucky crouched down and seemed to inspect some more rocks studiously. “So what’s the secret?”

“Well first of all.. you need the perfect rock.” Bucky told him, his fingers expertly digging through the many rocks the tide had washed up. “You want one that’s smooth, but not too heavy.” He seemed to find one and showed it to Steve. “It’s all about the aero-dynamics you know?” He ginned at him. “I mean I know that’s a big word for you and all.”

Steve scoffed. “Jerk.”

Bucky stood up, with the rock in his and smiled at Steve with that sassy look he loved. The one that made him want to kiss him. He tossed the rock up and down in his hand and then in a demonstrative way, rolled between his thumb and middle finger and turned towards the water.

“You don’t throw it.” He explained. “You fling it like a frisbee but not as hard.”

Steve watched him carefully as he did just that, his wrist and forearm doing most of the work. He could see the muscles in his arm flex slightly as he side-armed this one and sure enough it skipped across the water again, doing about 6 or so jumps before sinking. Steve shook his head at it, it was just fluid and beautiful the way he did it. The focus in those blue eyes and the way he bit his lip in concentration. The way his body twisted and turned effortlessly. That natural athletic grace that had not been given to him, he’d always had it.

He could watch him do this all day long he thought.

He was so lost in that particular thought that he barely felt Bucky step in behind him and put one in his hand and place his own hand on Steve’s arm. “You’re turn.” He heard him say in his ear. “Just like I showed you Rogers.”

Pulling his arm back, with Bucky guiding him, standing very close behind him, he flung it and it skipped at least 3 times before it sank, which felt like a personal victory for Steve. “How was that?” He asked Bucky, face nuzzled the back of his neck. “Not bad huh?”

“Pretty good punk.” Bucky breathed in his ear. “We’ll keep working on it.”

Steve turned around, his blood up from having him this close again. He always had that effect it seemed. He wrapped his hand around the back of Bucky’s head, bunching his wind-blown hair in his fingers and kissed him, feeling his warm armss wrap around his back and pull him closer.

He was happy he done all this today. Loved how happy and peaceful Bucky seemed today. He didn’t see any shadows, pain or fear on his face today, only happiness. That he was outside, enjoying himself without obvious jitters or worries. Thinking if he could give him days like this it would make the bad days easier to deal with. Make it worth it. He knew he wasn’t fixed by any means, maybe never would be completely, but every good thing he could reconnect with would push back a lot of the bad things to put in their proper place and perspective. Any way he could help him with that he was willing to do.

He pulled his lips away and laid his head against Bucky’s. “I love you.” He whispered to him, his hand still in his hair as it blew around his fingers. “Just so you know.”

“I love you too punk.” Bucky replied, nuzzling his face with his own. “Thank you.”

“For what?”

Bucky buried his face in Steve’s neck before answering. “For this.” He said softly. “For today.”

“You’re very welcome jerk.” He told him, his fingers digging more into his hair. “Glad you like it.”

He felt Bucky nuzzle his neck softly, tightening his arms around him and smiled, nuzzling his own face into Bucky’s hair. Just content to stay there like that, the waves one side, the old roller coaster looming on the other side.

\--

“Fuck..” He gasped, trying to get his breath back. “I mean… wow..”

Bucky’s head flopped back on the pillow, the tremors still running through his body after that pleasure session. He had no idea how Steve had learned to do that so damn well but he was grateful. Oh so grateful for it. He could barely open his eyes and could see Steve smiling up at him, his hands still wrapped around Bucky’s shaking thighs, and damn that was so hot.

“I’m glad you’re impressed.” Steve said to him, nuzzling his inner thigh, causing him to moan. “And I’m not even close done with you yet.”

Bucky felt a shiver go through his body at that thought. It had certainly been a hell of good day and just kept getting better.

“Is that so?” He asked, his voice raspy, filled with desire.

“Uh huh.” He heard Steve say as he seemed to get a better grip on his thighs again. “I was just giving you a break sweetheart..”

At that he was turned over onto his stomach and felt Steve’s hands knead his ass and open him up again, and before he knew it, he was using those talented lips of his to feast on him again. Bucky moaned, gripping the pillow and burying his face in it. He was going even deeper this time, he could feel his damn beard, brushing against the sensitive skin and it was just ecstasy all over again. He whimpered and moaned into the pillow, his eyes rolling, hands flexing on the pillow case.

The second go round was even better than the first. Drawing another full blown orgasm out of him effortlessly.

He was still lost in the haze of it, his face still buried in the pillow, when heard Steve’s voice in his ear, tickling it. “Look at me beautiful.” He commanded in that low, husky tone that always set his insides on fire. “Let me see you.”

Bucky turned his head, unable to resist that voice. His eyes turned up to Steve’s, feeling hazy and content, and was only vaguely aware that Steve had taken another picture of him. And he didn’t mind it at all to be honest.

“That’s a good one.” He heard Steve say and smiled hazily as if being praised. “A keeper right there.”

He felt Steve lay down next to him, his hand running soft down Bucky’s back, over his ass and thigh and back up again as if petting him. Bucky closed his eyes contentedly at the feel of those fingers trailing over his skin. He felt it run over his left shoulder, softly stroking the scar tissue next to the metal shoulder and over to his other shoulder and down again, repeating the process.

“You do like taking pictures.” He observed, his eyes half open again.

“Well.” Steve replied, brushing his lips over Bucky’s softly. “You’re a good subject.”

Bucky raised his eyebrows. “I am?”

“Yes.” Steve replied, wrapping his arm around him and pulling him closer. “Especially today.”

“What the hell did I do today?” Bucky asked curiously, turning a little more on his side.

“You smiled.” Was Steve’s answer. “A lot.” He stared into his eyes intensely. “Like you used to back then.”

Bucky realized he had done a lot of that today. More than usual. Maybe it was just seeing all these things again, things he thought were gone and out of reach. Parts of himself that he honestly believed had been destroyed by Hydra. He had felt joy at watching that movie again. At seeing the Cyclone still standing against the sky. Of eating at Nathan’s again. Skipping stones like he used to as a kid. 

Not everything had been lost it seemed.

He found himself smiling again at this. Feeling hope that he’d have more days like this than the ones where he could barely get out of bed. Because this was better. It made him feel victorious to be honest. That he could feel that good for a whole damn day. It actually brought tears to his eyes. But they were good ones this time.

Living and being happy were his best revenge he was beginning to realize.

“I did didn’t I?” He said softly, nuzzling his face into Steve’s neck. “It felt good.”

“It looks good on you.” Steve told him, his hand brushing his hair softly. “Just saying.”

“Some days it’s harder than others.” He admitted. “Not so much today though.”

He lifted his head and caught Steve’s lips with his, tightening his arm around him to pull him closer. He smiled against those lips, feeling like his face was going to crack today from too much damn happiness. Smiling had been something that had felt foreign for a long time, the pain being so constant he felt like when he did he was forcing it. But since he’d been back with Steve permanently it had become so much easier. Feeling Steve’s fingers comb through his hair as he kissed him caused him sigh contentedly, and Bucky let his leg snake over Steve’s, his foot sliding over it lazily.

“I’ve also been… pretty patient today too.” He whispered, pulling his lips away slightly. “If you noticed.”

Steve smiled himself and moved him over onto his back. “I did.” He told him, his hand sliding over Bucky’s thigh as he slid in between them. “You’ve been a very good bear I’m impressed.”

“Mmm hmm.” Bucky intoned, loving the praise, his hands wandering over Steve’s back squeezing his ass teasingly. “I believe you promised me something if I was.”

He felt Steve’s large hand on his hip, pulling it against his own and Bucky groaned audibly. “You want more huh?” He asked, his voice husky in his ear. “All you gotta do is ask beautiful.”

Bucky actually felt his insides melt at the way he said that. Wondering when Steve had gotten this much power over him in that sense. How the soft command in his voice made him want to comply. To let go of the control he had over himself and give it to him. It had happened subtly without him even realizing it. And he loved it. Unlike the control he’d surrendered to before, which  had been used to hurt and humiliate but this was different. It felt safe.

Steve made him feel safe. And that’s why he gave it so freely.

Pressing his fingers into Steve’s back, Bucky put his lips to Steve’s ear. “Fuck me.” He whispered to him, not even bothering to hide the need in his voice. “Please.”

Steve lifted his head and looked into his eyes, as if studying him for a moment, his hands gripping his hips. “I was going to anyways.” He said in that same husky tone. “But I like when you say please.”

Bucky groaned, feeling him so close but not inside him yet. He bit his lip and grinded a little against him. “Then do it already punk.” He heard himself say, a little whine coming into his voice. “Stop fucking teasing me.”

Steve actually chuckled and pressed against him a little more, as if enjoying himself now. Bucky felt like hitting him to be honest. “Take it easy sweetheart.” He purred to him. “You gotta conserve that energy.” He nipped his neck playfully. “Cause you’re gonna need it.”

Before Bucky could even respond Steve gripped his hips a little tighter and was suddenly inside him, stretching him deliciously, filling him completely and he moaned thickly, his eyes rolling back. He felt him hold still there as if letting him adjust and met his eyes again, a soft whimper coming from his throat as he wriggled himself a little against Steve.

“Just so you know beautiful.” Steve whispered, still not moving, just holding him tight and firm against him. “I’m planning on making you cum a lot tonight.”

Bucky actually heard himself whine upon hearing those words, unable form any coherent words. Hell he couldn’t even form real thoughts, especially when Steve started moving against him, pulling him tightly against him. He simply became a pure instinctual creature, pushing back against him with equal enthusiasm.  His fingers gripping and digging into his skin, moaning and biting down on his shoulder every so often, unable to contain himself. And Steve reciprocated this with bites to his neck as well. Marking him in that way he loved so much.

When he was about to cum, the first time that was, Steve pulled his hands away from his hips and put them on his face, looking into his eyes. “Keep them… open.. beautiful.” He cajoled softly, his powerful hips and thighs still powering hard into Bucky, emphasizing each word with a hard thrust. “I wanna.. see your.. eyes..”

Once again he could not resist the soft command in his voice, obeying it. He whined, his body arching against his, one of his legs wrapped tightly around Steve’s thigh. Feeling it roll over him hard, but he kept his eyes open, willed them to stay open so he could see him and hit him like a wall of water, nearly knocking him out.

He was barely aware of anything other than Steve’s lips smothering his in a languid kiss, and the fact that he was still deep inside him, still pumping into him, hitting all the right nerves all over again. He moaned into his mouth barely able to hang on to him with his hands. His overstimulated body pushing thoughtlessly back against Steve’s, craving the release again. He was only  slightly aware of his hands, still holding his hips tight to him as pushed him toward another climax. Bucky whimpered, feeling it begin to rush over him yet again, it was unbelievable that he could do this to him multiple times, but he could. It was a gift.

And this time he felt himself grey out, his hands sliding off of Steve, limply at his side, barely aware of Steve’s lips on his neck, his hands stroking his hips and thighs. He was floating on a beautiful cloud of bliss.

“you’re so beautiful.” He heard Steve whisper breathlessly in his ear while in this far away place. “I love you so much.”

Bucky smiled serenely, feeling Steve’s hands on his face, his lips on his. The strangely comfortable weight of his body over his as he still lay between his open legs. There was really no feeling like this in his mind and he close his eyes, sighing softly.

“I love you too punk..” He heard himself whisper, feeling that beautiful exhaustion take over.

Like everything that day, it was damn near perfect..

\--

Steve had shifted, so that now Bucky laying with his metal arm draped across Steve’s chest, their legs tangled together, toes peeking out from under the blanket. Steve’s hand played with Bucky’s mhssed up hair, which had fanned a little on his chest. Steve was amused that Bucky sounded almost like he was purring, just like a contented cat.

“So it was a good day huh?” He asked teasingly, knowing full well it was.

“Mmmm hmm.” Bucky purred against his chest. “Pretty fuckin good.”

He felt him nuzzle his chest and snuggled a little more against him, as if he could get closer. Steve’s other hand slid over the balmy skin of Bucky’s back, feeling the relaxed muscles ripple slightly under his touch, and a soft moan escape his lips. He could lay like this forever he thought, with him in his arms like this.

It was dark out, just the city lights coming through the edge of the curtains. The lamp next to the bed giving them all the light they needed.

“You hungry?” He asked curiously, because he was.

“Yeah.” Bucky answered, resting his chin on Steve’s chest, his metal fingers playing on his hip, and Steve had to admit he liked that feeling. “I am actually.. but..” He grinned. “I don’t think I can move.”

Steve grinned, pleased with himself a bit. “Well you don’t have to sweetheart.” He told him tussling his hair a little. “I’ll get it for you.”

“You better punk.” Bucky replied, smiling and shifting so Steve could get up. “Seeing you put me in this condition and all.”

“Don’t blame me jerk.” Steve told him, winking at him as he got up. “I just gave you want you wanted..”

Bucky put his hand on Steve’s arm, his blue eyes glinting. “I ain’t complaining.” He whispered, pulling back to him to kiss him again. “Just saying.”

Steve chuckled and kissed him again, his fingers digging into his dark, mussed hair, letting their tongue twist sweetly against each other for a moment. Fighting the urge to get right back in bed ravish him som more. But they needed to eat and all. Replenish the energy. But that didn’t stop him from doing a through job of kissing those lips. Steve never did anything half-assed.

“I’ll order some pizza.” He told him as he pulled away, grabbing his phone off the bed-table. “That way you don’t have to get out of bed.”

Bucky raised his eyebrows. “Oooh.” He mused, getting up on his elbows to watch Steve. “It’s one of those nights huh Captain?”

“Damn straight Sergeant.” Steve answered, pulling up the number. “So don’t even bother getting dressed.”

He saw Bucky grin at this and lay on his side, resting his head on his elbow, his metal fingers tapping on the bed thoughtfully. Looking particularly delicious too, with his unruly hair, bright eyes and well kissed lips. Not to mention the fact that with the exception of his dog tags, he had absolutely nothing else on under those covers. Oh he was definitely not done with him tonight. But they did have to eat something first. So he made the call.

Once he ordered, he pulled his pants on and caught a pouty look from Bucky. “What?” He asked, knowing exactly what.

“Such a waste.” Bucky opined, shaking his head. “Covering up that beautiful with those pants.”

“Sorry to disappoint you but I can’t answer the door with nothing on you know.”

“True.” Bucky agreed, sitting up as Steve walked closer., the covers pooling around his waist, giving Steve a beautiful view of his flushed skin. “I don’t want anyone else to see that dick but me.” He looped his fingers on Steve’s belt loops and pressed his lips teasingly to Steve’s abs. “I don’t like to fucking share.”

Steve felt his tongue run teasingly over those same abs and had to fight the urge to put him back down on the bed again. Instead he wrapped his fingers around the back of his head and gently pulled it back to so he could look in his eyes. Never pulling too hard, just enough. Bucky looked up at him with a saucy smile a and a glint in his eyes.

“Behave yourself jerk.” He told him, giving him that look. “We got all night.”

The pizzas came a little while later and they both ate with gusto right there in bed. Pepperoni, sausage and extra topped off with some soda made for a fine dinner on day when it wasn’t about anything but enjoying each other’s company. It was about extending the good day and the good times as long as possible.

Once they were done Steve simply tossed the boxes aside and pulled Bucky to him, making good on the promise that he wasn’t done with him yet. His lips tasted like pizza and soda and just pure happiness. Moans, and sighs of mutual love and praise filled the room again as they fell back into it again, keeping it going as long as possible.

\--

Bucky was laying on his side, writing in his journal, feeling deliciously sore and beautifully relaxed at the same time. Steve’s arm was around him from behind, dozing with his face pressed into the back of Bucky’s neck, and he felt no urge to move from this position at all. Or to go to sleep for that matter even though it was well after midnight now. He really didn’t want the day to end. Because, wall to wall, he’d never had a better one. Worries and anxiety had been virtually non-existent, buried in happy nostalgia and beautiful pleasure. It had been perfect.

And that was sort of what worried him. Because he knew himself well enough to know it was yet another reprieve from his fucked-up head. The very fact that he was worrying about it at all showed that too. Feeling the metal fingers, flexing nervously every so often on the pillow next to Steve’s arm,, as he wrote. Feeling the early signs of some anxiety over this and trying to write it out before he panicked about it.

There was tickle in the back of his head that said he didn’t deserve good days like this. He tried to make that go away but he couldn’t.

Bucky put the pen down, after putting these feelings down on paper, and nuzzled his face into Steve’s arm, which his head was resting on. He felt Steve’s other arm move on his stomach and pressing his palm tighter against Bucky’s skin and he smiled. He hadn’t bothered to get dressed either.  The feeling their skin on skin contact was comforting to him right now.

“You still awake?” Steve asked him, his voice muffled against Bucky’s neck. “You should sleep.”

“I can’t.” Bucky replied honestly, backing a little more into Steve’s chest.

Steve tightened his arm around Bucky’s waist, their bodies fitting perfectly together like interlocking puzzle pieces and he sighed, closing his eyes, the pen still in his hand. He felt Steve’s lips under his ear, his breath on his neck, and once again heard that nagging voice that said he didn’t deserve any of this.

“What’s wrong?” Steve asked, his lips right next to his ear. “Tell me.”

He bit his lip for a moment, hesitating before answering. “I’ve been, feeling so good lately and I.” He paused, trying to find the words. “I just know its not gonna last.. that my mind won’t throw me a damn curve ball and.. you know?”

“I get that.” Steve answered, giving him a soft kiss on the neck. “But do you remember what you told me about curve balls when were kids?”

Bucky smiled fondly at that, conjuring up a hazy memory of the neighborhood pickup games. . “Other than the fact that you couldn’t hit them?”

“Hilarious.” Steve replied, chuckling. “But what you said was that you had to adjust your swing, take what the pitcher gives you and work with it.”  He nuzzled Bucky’s neck a little.  “Same with this, whatever happens, we’ll adjust and work with it that’s all.”

He had a vague memory of himself saying that, when trying to teach Steve how to hit a curveball, because he kept swinging for the fences. And he kind of got what Steve was telling him. Sometimes you had to settle for a base hit instead of a home run.  One base at a time was still progress.

In other words, one day at a time.

“How you did you get so smart punk?” He asked, putting the pen down and entwining his fingers with Steve’s.

“Beats me.” Steve mused, smiling probably. “Guess you just get wiser with age.”

Bucky chuckled himself, tucking his feet in between Steve’s and letting himself be wrapped up even tighter from behind if that was possible. “Only took a hundred years.”

“Jerk.” Steve said and nipped the back of his neck playfully.

Bucky actually heard himself giggle at the feel of that, and wriggled a little in his arms, letting Steve nip, nuzzle and basically feel him up. Both of them just playing around until all concerns and worries were out of his head and he was able to relax enough to sleep. The feel of Steve’s lips and hands still lingering on his skin long after he succumbed to it.

\--

Steve woke up in the early morning hours to find Bucky still curled up peacefully in his arms, back pressed to his chest. He hadn’t moved much in the night apparently, not so much that he’d noticed at least. He buried his face in Bucky’s hair and continued to hold him just like that, the sun barely peeking up over the horizon.

He smiled to himself, thinking of just how great of a day it had been. From beginning to end really. And was in no really hurry to move this day along himself. Wanting Bucky to sleep as long as possible like this. 

He started to doze off a little when Bucky seemed to shift in his sleep and mutter a little. There was a hint of fear in whatever he said and Steve took it as a cue to hold him a little tighter as a result. And then he felt him begin to tremble a little and pressed his lips comfortingly into the back of his neck to comfort him. He hated that these nightmares wouldn’t leave him alone.

But knew it could be worse. It had been worse.

Remembering how the Winter Soldier had come out sometimes. How the outbursts were sometimes violent and frightening. How it seemed like Bucky was never rested and neither was he. But lately the Soldier had stayed somewhat quiet which was a relief allowing them both to get some sleep. He wasn’t sure he was completely gone, maybe just in stasis inside Bucky’s head for a while because he was feeling safer these days. Or Bucky just had better control over him. Whatever it was, Steve was grateful for it.

But he was clearly having a nightmare now, Steve heard a soft, painful whimper come out of him and stroked his hair softly, trying to soothe him back to sleep. “It’s okay.” He whispered in his ear. “You’re safe.”

Bucky turned in his arms and curled into him, burying his face against his chest. He seemed to be crying softly in his sleep and Steve wrapped his arms around him, holding him as close as possible until he started to calm a little. The soft sobs became sniffles. He felt his hand on his arm, flexing into the flesh in a a clutching kind of, little hitches coming out of him every so often,.

“I’m sorry.” He seemed to whisper, his eyes still squeezed shut, body still trembling softly.

“Don’t be.” Steve reassured him, his hand brushing his hair. “You alright?”

“Not really.” Bucky answered in a tired, wrapping his arm around Steve. “But I will be.”

“I know you will.” He whispered to him, pressing his lips to his head.

He snuggled against Steve’s body and gradually settled down, an occasional hitching sob still hitting him. Steve didn’t know whether he was asleep or just being quiet. Didn’t really matter. He was resting. The nightmares always taking a lot out of him.

“Thanks for yesterday punk.” He heard Bucky say sleepily, nuzzling his face against his chest contentedly. “It was great.”

“You’re still welcome jerk.” Steve told him, kissing his head softly. “Go back to sleep.”

He felt Bucky relax more against him and seem to fall asleep, his metal hand hanging limply against Steve’s back. Tightening his arm around him Steve closed his eyes as well and took a deep breath, in no hurry to get up either.

He had no plans today beyond this and took full advantage of the calm seas they were currently in.  Smiling at the new happy memories they’d just made that would get them through whatever curve ball came next.

And when that happened they’d adjust their swing, and take one base at a time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well I enjoyed writing this one, I thought it was nice to give them a nice happy day to just enjoy. Because honestly I know have more angst coming so a little reprieve of fluff and smut was a fun break. 
> 
> A few notes. 
> 
> The Coney Island Cyclone has been around for over 90 years and still looks the same as it did when Steve and Bucky were kids. As you remember in CATFA Bucky brought up that he made Steve ride it and he got sick so that is canon, and I thought it was cool that was something that was still standing from when they were kids, along with Nathan's Famous which has been in operation at Coney Island for over a 100 years. Coney Island is Brooklyn so it stands to reason they'd spend a lot of summers there. 
> 
> The Wizard of OX turns 80 this year if you can believe that and I have no doubt they saw it in a theater much like like the one in this fic and most likely loved it then. I thought it was cute idea to let them go see it again in the theater. 
> 
> I made a point of mentioning in this and the previous chapter the medication that Bucky is on is not a quick fix but supplamenting his therapy. Bucky's mood somewhat leveled by it but a lot of that comes what he has to do himself as well. 
> 
> Thank you all once again for the lovely comments once again I appreciate them greatly as always. 
> 
> I am going away in about a week and a half I may manage to get one more chapter up before then hopefully. And it will probably be a bit more angsty which is why i did thin one :)


	17. Mission Report

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok I managed to get this one before I leave on my vacation enjoy :)

He saw it when got to the steps, sticking out of the slot between the screen door and its frame, and it immediately created a sense of foreboding in him. He had a growing bitch of a headache too and that did that not help.

Bucky had, along with the boxing, starting jogging as well. It allowed him to explore a little more and gave him another excuse to get out of the house. It was another thing that helped calm and relax him and gave him some serious time to himself and he was really enjoying it. Even on days like this, with cooler weather and off and on rain showers.

Typical weather for New York in March.

He’d been having decent days for the most part lately, not perfect, just decent. Meaning that his bad feelings were limited to short periods of time, not extended over whole days like they used to be. It was progress he supposed.

Steve had been annoying him about the fact that his birthday was coming up in a few days. Bucky could’ve honestly cared less, telling Steve that he was too old to give a shit about it after turning a hundred and all, but he had a feeling that idiot was still planning something for him.  And Bucky had basically given up fighting him on it. Letting him have this after everything he had to deal with. Lord knows he put Steve through enough sometimes.

That particular idiot was away at a briefing at the compound today, so Bucky had the house to himself yet again which was why he found it first.

It was a letter, with his name printed on it. And this was not an uncommon thing.  Although not as much lately.

When he’d first gotten home it was a regular thing, people stuffing correspondences to him and Steve about a variety of topics. Some of them were supportive of him, of their relationship and those ones weren’t so bad. But the other ones not so much. Largely consisting of either death threats, accusations or just plain hate. Most of them unsigned of course. Hell, half the time they hadn’t even bothered to put his name on it. Steve had intercepted most of them before they’d gotten to him, but it hadn’t stopped him from seeing a few here and there. And it certainly had not helped him at the beginning.

The security system that had been installed, had kept most people from bothering him directly but this just couldn’t be helped. Although it had slowed down a bit over the last few months.

Bucky stood under the overhand, out of the rain, staring it at it, his head starting to pound a little more now. Doing an internal debate over whether to even open it, or just get rid of it. The part of him that actually gave a damn about himself said to do the former, but the masochistic part of him, which was usually stronger, said whatever was in there needed to be seen. It unfortunately usually won.

He pulled it from the door frame, his keys in his other hand and opened it up, feeling his anxiety rise even before he read the words. Just one simple sentence but it cut right down the middle of him, right through his heart.

_You killed my son._

Simple and to the point. Effective. He’d heard and read worse from people. Such as _you should rot in hell you murdering bastard_ to jabs about his sexuality, both of which he could easily throw off because they weren’t really specific, but this one hit harder because it went right to the heart of it. And it was specific and personal.

He didn’t know whose son he’d killed because he’d killed a lot of people. And he didn’t remember most of them. That was the bitch horror of it really.

He had expressed a desire to learn their names, to learn more about them but both Steve and Amelia had told him that this wouldn’t do him any good. He kept insisting that he owed these people the respect to least know who they were. And both of them had told him, in different ways, it was a just another way to punish himself. And he supposed they were right on that. But it still nagged at him just the same.

Bucky stared at the note, the rain pounding on the overhang above his head, which was also throbbing now, and felt that tremble in his body, his fingers shaking and not from the could. Feeling that familiar guilt and self-loathing inside him. Feeling like he was about to be sick.

He had to get in the house now.

Fumbling with his keys he unlocked the door and tossed them on the table, and went right for the bathroom, promptly throwing up his breakfast and feeling miserable. His head pounded, the letter clutched in one hand, the metal one clutching the toilet seat.

_You killed my son._

He squeezed his eyes shut, fractured images of murder and blood running through his head. They were never clear, never together in the proper orders. Broken up by ice and blue electric light. The occasional words over playing them. Orders being given. Trigger words being said. It was a jumbled mess and he supposed it always would be. Those memories were more the Winter Soldiers than his, but they came to him just same. Torturing him just when he was starting to feel better about himself again.

Bucky sat there for a little bit, and as he did, he unconsciously stuffed the letter in his pocket as if planning to keep it. As a reminder.

_You’re a murderer. A monster._

_You are not forgiven._

He was shaking, the familiar feelings of his anxiety attack increasing. Even his medicine’s highest dosage it didn’t stop them from happening. It just slowed down their frequency. Helped level him. But there was no leveling this.

Bucky’s head was pounding now. The worst one he’d had since he’d been sick, and he could barely see straight. With fumbling hands, he flushed the toilet, getting rid of the smell which made him want to puke again to honest. And cleaned up as best he could, considering the state he was in right now.

Leaving the bathroom, he didn’t even bother to change out of his wet clothes, just turned the light out in the bedroom and just laid down on the bed. The room was semi-dark considering the weather and Bucky curled up on his side, wrapping the pillow around his aching head and tried to control his breathing and slow down his heart rate as best he could.

_You killed my son.._

He kept seeing it, the simple letters telling the truth to him so plainly. He had done it. He may not know whose son he’d killed, but he was guilty just the same.

Closing his eyes, he tried to shut it out, but it wouldn’t leave him. Wasn’t going to for a while. This was not going to be a good day.

\--

When Steve came home, the lights were out in the house. And Bucky’s keys were on the table, just tossed there, not hung up. Neither was his jacket. He was somewhat of a stickler for those things, needing a routine to keep him steady Steve supposed. This was the first sign something was wrong.

The next thing he did was check the bathroom. And while Bucky had attempted to clean up there was still signs of him being sick in there. Which usually meant he’d had some kind of incident. Probably an anxiety attack, a flashback, or both. He still had them, although not as frequently now. So the next place he went was the bedroom, where he found him curled up on the bed with a pillow wrapped around his head. Still wearing damp clothes.

“Bucky?” He asked as quietly as possible, brushing his hair with his fingers. “Are you okay?”

He seemed to flinch a little at the touch and turned slightly and Steve could see he clearly wasn’t. His eyes should bright pain as he seemed to squint at Steve in the darkened room. There was no sign of fever, so Steve suspected a headache, which he was prone to as well due to his multiple head traumas, and this looked like a pretty bad one. But there was something else in his eyes too, something internal that little to do with pain. At least not the physical kind.

“Got a headache.” He seemed to mumble, confirming it and buried his face back in the pillow again.

Steve brushed his hair back again. “I’ll get you an ice-pack and some stuff okay?”

Bucky seemed to nod against the pillow and curled up a little more. Steve knew this was not just a headache. There was something else wrong here. But for now he wanted to take care of the physical symptoms, that was what was important right now. The rest could wait.

So he retrieved some pain-killers the doctor had said were compatible with his medication and the ice-pack and brought them both back along with some water and sat down on the bed next to him.

“Here you go.” He offered, giving the meds first with the water, which Bucky took without much protest. Another sign he wasn’t feeling well. Once he was done with that, he gave him the ice-pack to put on his head. “Now I gotta get you out of these wet clothes okay?”

“You must be getting sick of taking care of me.” Bucky said tiredly as Steve pulled his shoes and damp jeans off. “You do it a lot.”

Steve smiled. “I don’t mind.” He told him and gave him a kiss on the cheek. “You used to do the same for me remember?”

He remembered when he’d have a severe asthma attack or heart palpations, how Bucky used to carry him to the doctor’s and then mother-hen him after, both when they were kids, and later when they were sharing a place. He remembered seeing how scared Bucky had been even though he’d tried to hide it as best he could. Making cracks about it or brushing it off. Never babying him but taking care of him when he needed it. The fact that the situation was reversed now, and Bucky was the one that needed care was fitting to him in a way.

“Yeah I do.” Bucky finally answered, trying to smile a little and failing. “But you shouldn’t have to do this.” He closed his eyes again, losing that little smile. “I’m really not worth it.”

Steve shook his head hating when he said shit like that. “Don’t start that crap again Buck.” He told him. “Just don’t.”

He was about to put his jeans aside when he saw something in the back pocket of them. A piece of paper sticking out. Wondering if it was something he’d written down and was saving. He took it out, considered unfolding it and decided if Bucky wanted to show it to him, he would. It was none of his business really, even though there was something about it that pulled at his mind a little. Something familiar. He’d ask him when he was feeling better, telling himself it was nothing really and just put it on top of his journal, still folded. And put it out of his head for now. 

Once he’d gotten him down to his boxers and his undershirt, he put a blanket on him and laid down next to him from behind and let him rest on his arm. Using that hand of that arm he held the ice-pack to his head for him and wrapped his other arm around him, pulling him close to him in the semi-dark room. He could hear the distant rumble of thunder and the rain increase. Seemed like a good day to stay in anyways.

“So other than the headache, how are you?” He asked carefully. “Anything happen?”

Bucky didn’t answer right away as if considering the question. “No.” He finally said. “Just not feeling good today is all.”

It didn’t sound on the level, and Steve was more suspicious of that letter now. It reminded him of the ones they used to get. The hateful ones. But once again he told himself he wouldn’t look at it unless Bucky wanted him to. It would be like looking in his journals and he would not do that to him ever.

“Okay.” He told him, kissing the back of his neck softly, nuzzling his hair aside to do it. “As for this headache, if gets any worse I’m taking you to the doctor got that?”

Bucky scoffed a little. “Is that Captains orders?”

“Sure is Sergeant.” He told him and smiled. “And I outrank you.”

“Whatever you say punk.”

He enjoyed sassiness in that response and smiled against his neck. “I mean it jerk.” He told him, squeezing him a little tighter. “You’ll go even if I have to carry you.”

“Aye aye Captain.” Was his response to that. And Steve was happy to see that even when he was miserable, he could at least muster some of that.

The thunder rumbled again, and Steve just laid there, comforting him through this particular headache and whatever else was plaguing him at the moment. Knowing when he was ready, he would tell him exactly was that was. There was never any need to push. And no need to go anywhere at all today.

\--

The headache was still raging the next day and Bucky knew a hospital trip was inevitable. And dreaded it.

“Come on.” He heard Steve say, causing him to grumble irritably. “We gotta go it’s time.”

Bucky rolled over, burying his face in the pillow. His head hurt like hell and the light was hurting his eyes. It was mid-day he hadn’t really gotten out of bed, now on the third day of this headache and he knew it was a problem. Even if he didn’t want to go to the doctor, he knew he had to. But it didn’t stop him from putting a small protest about it.

“Another hour.” He grumbled like an over-tired child. “Please.”

“No Buck we gotta go.” Steve countered, pulling the covers off him. “Dr. Clarksson said if you had one lasting longer than 36 hours you had to come in, and it’s been way longer than that.”

Bucky knew he had to. Steve had indulged him yesterday and gave him a little more time, but he wasn’t going to do it anymore. The doctor had been clear on that because of Bucky’s neurological issues any headache would be concerning but one for this length of time could be a real serious problem. She had said it had nothing to do with his medication and everything to do with the shit they’d done to his head. Which added to the stress and pissed him off at the same time. Those fuckers had messed with him so much he thought it was never going to end.

“Okay.” He said grudgingly and sat up, holding his hand to his aching head. “I’m just.. not looking forward to it is all.”

“I know that.” Steve told him, grabbing him some clothes. “It’s rough I get it.” His eyes looked at him, soft and concerned. “But we can’t take any chances alright?”

Bucky nodded. “Yeah.”

It was that concern from, the worry he saw that had made him agree more than anything. If it was just him, he would put up with all kinds of pain, but Steve was worried about him and he would do anything for him so usually gave into these things more for his sake than his own.

His eyes flicked to the paper, which was now sticking out of his journal, marking his spot. Steve had obviously seen it, and hadn’t asked him about it either, for which he had been grateful. It seemed to stare him though, and accusation that he knew was a true one, and another pulse of pain went through his head, causing him to wince. Which Steve noticed.

“You okay?” He asked, his hands on Bucky’s arms. “You need help.”

 _You killed my son_.. his mind whispered and he tired to shake it off as best he could, shaking his head, looking up at Steve. “I can do this.” He told him. “I can.”

He got dressed as quickly as he could considering how much his head was throbbing and managed to get a little food in him as well. Not a lot because the headache was making him nauseous. But he preferred to take his medicine with food and his stomach needed something. So toast it was.

Bucky was actually happy to see it was still drizzly and overcast today. Typical March weather. But it meant the sun wasn’t out and blinding him right now. So he was thankful for the shitty weather for one.

It was the day before his birthday and while he had no interest in that, he knew Steve had wanted to do something for him and Bucky had a hard time not indulging Steve’s corniness, and adherence to these things, so he grudgingly agreed to celebrating it. But right now, he was wondering if they were going to be able to do anything.

He leaned his head against the cool window of the car, feeling like he could fall asleep again but thinking maybe he should try and stay awake for now. So he willed himself to do it, keeping his eyes half-lidded because even the miniscule light was too much. The window was cracked slightly for fresh air despite it being cool and he took a few deep breaths of it.

“you alright?” Steve asked as he drove, reaching one hand over to put on his shoulder.

“Not really.” Bucky answered honestly. “I want the little bastard in my head to stop jack-hammering.”

It did hurt like a damn bitch. Anyone who never had a headache didn’t get just how annoying this was. It felt like a vice grip squeezing his head, and someone kept turning the screws. It wasn’t his first one outside of being sick, but it was the worst one so far.

He felt Steve’s hand brush a strand of his hair away from his and he was grateful for the gesture. It felt like comfort more than anything. He opened his eyes, seeing the water as they crossed the Bridge into Manhattan. Feeling the trepidation and anxiety of knowing he had to go to the hospital, if this one wasn’t so bad. He just never liked going. Brought back too many memories.

“I’m gonna have to get one of those scans too.” He continued, talking to keep himself from falling asleep in the car. “I don’t like that it reminds me of.. “He paused, not wanting to think about it but unable to avoid it. “the blender.” He swallowed hard. “and that other hospital they didn’t seem to care about that.”

He didn’t have to explain this, he’d mentioned a few times, probably when he was sick too. The blender was a nickname he’d heard some use for it, because it was exactly what it did to your brain. Scrambled it inside your skull so you didn’t know which way was up. He knew that that thing, along with the freezing was part of what was wrong with his head. He didn’t know how many times they’d put him in that damn thing just knew it was a lot.  The memory of it and the blue light searing pain it caused made a lot of medical procedures difficult for him.

Something they were still working on in therapy. Among other things.

The letter was preying on his mind as well. Wondering why he hadn’t just thrown it away. And why didn’t want to tell Steve about it. That and this damn headache weren’t letting him think straight lately.

Steve had let his hand rest on the side of Bucky’s face as he’d talked about it and he was once again grateful for that comfort. He smiled at Steve tiredly, trying to keep up a brave face to hid just how much pain this caused him. Even though he knew that Steve knew just how much it did.

“It’ll be alright Buck.” He reassured him as best he could. “It’s not like that. It’ll never be like that again.”

He nodded, knowing he was right on that. Knowing his doctor and this place respected that unlike the last one, who’d forced him into these things without regard to how he felt about it. Forced him to do tests and sedated him without his permission and that had only added to his issues. This place was totally different The fear and anxiety may have still been there but it was mitigated by the fact that they would make it painless as possible for him.

“Besides.” Steve added, with a grin on his face. “It’s your birthday tomorrow and we gotta make sure you’re feeling well enough for that.”

Bucky rolled his eyes. “Don’t remind me.” He replied, feeling him smile in spite of himself. “It kind of loses its luster when you hit 100 you know?”

“Well you may be grumpy about it, but I’m still gonna spoil you just the same.” Steve told him. “So you better get used to the idea.”

“Alright punk but just so you know I’m only putting up with this shit because I love you.” Bucky told him, looking over at him with both love and annoyance in his eyes. “That’s all.”

Steve laughed and rubbed his shoulder. “Of course.” He chuckled. “I love you too jerk.”

Bucky smiled at that, and looked back out the window, feeling a little more relaxed. At least for the moment. But still felt troubled. A part of his mind still not wanting to let go of the tenor of that letter. Telling in a whisper that he didn’t really deserve any of this. That he was suffering because he deserved to. He closed his eyes, trying to push that voice back, but was, as usual, unsuccessful.

And once again Steve seem to sense this and squeezed his hand. “It’s gonna fine Buck.” He told him. “I promise.”

Bucky was once again grateful for his presence, helping to fight off those doubts. “I know.” He replied, putting on the bravest smile he could to hide what he was feeling at the moment. “Let’s just get this over with.”

\--

Steve watched Bucky sitting on the table in the hospital johnny, looking nervous as all hell, although he did his best to hide it. His fingers played nervously on the plastic surface, the metal one making an audible tapping sound, his legs swinging back and forth. He seemed to be trying to control his breathing as well, looking down at his swinging feet as he took those deep breaths.

He knew it was difficult for him. It probably always would be. Could only imagine the memories that went through his head every time he had to come here. But he was here and trying to overcome it, if only to make Steve himself feel better. 

He was so just so brave, Steve wished he knew that.

“You look really good in that.” Steve quipped, trying to lighten the mood. “Kind of hot actually.”

Bucky looked up at him disbelievingly. “No one looks hot in these.” He replied, shifting on the table. “Especially with your ass hanging out for all to see.”

“Well at least it’s a cute ass.” Steve had to add, chuckling.

Steve thought he saw the ghost of a smile on Bucky’s face as he looked up at him. “Maybe but it’s not for the world to see.” He answered. “Just you.”

He stepped forward and reached around him, tightening it around his back so as to cover said ass and Bucky actually smiled at that. “That’s damn right.” Steve whispered in his ear as he finished tying it tighter. “That’s all mine and I don’t like to share.”

Steve saw Bucky actually redden just a little at that statement of ownership. He gave Steve a saucy look as he looked up at him, his eyes hooding a little, those beautiful dark lashes frame those blue irises. It was one of those looks that if they were truly alone and not in a hospital, might have resulted in them fucking right there on the table. It just did things to him. And Bucky damn well knew it did, the sassy smile on his face proved it.

“What are thinking about Captain?” He asked teasingly, enjoying himself a bit.

He leaned his face close to Bucky’s and whispered. “Nothing we can do here beautiful.”

Bucky seem to flush a little again and Steve was happy to see he’d distracted him from the business at hand. He stood there with Bucky’s legs handing off the table on either side of his own and put his hands on his face, and kissed his forehead softly, feeling him take another deep breath.

“Thanks punk.” Bucky said quietly, his hands resting on Steve’s waist.

“For what?”

“For trying to make me feel better.” Bucky told him, looking up, those eyes showing the fear again, and something else as well that Steve couldn’t place. “I still wanna go home though.”

“I know you do.” Steve told him, his fingers brushing his hair back from his face. “But you gotta do this okay?”

“Yeah.” Bucky answered, sighing resignedly. “Doesn’t mean I have to like it.”

Steve just continued to stroke his hair and smile at him. “Now that’s my brave, grump teddy bear right there.”

“Dammit punk.” Bucky told him, trying to look irritated. “I told you not to call me that in public.”

Steve just grinned and kissed his head again right before the doctor came in and he had to vacate. “I’ll be right outside okay?” He told him, giving his hand a squeeze. “I love you.”

Bucky seemed to almost look embarrassed as the nurses were right there and all. His face once again flushed and he answered in a quiet voice. “Love you too.”

He saw Bucky’s eyes seem to track him as he left the room. And wished he could be in there with him but for this, he had to be by himself. It didn’t stop him from worrying though. But he knew the doctor and knew he was in good hands.

He was thinking about his general melancholy and realized he still hadn’t asked what that letter was, and why Bucky still had it. Reminding himself that he would ask. Sooner or later. Because something nagged at him that said it was important.

But right now, the more pressing concern was his health and he concentrated on that. Waiting for him to get done.

It was almost an hour before they got done and he was allowed back in. And when he did, even the slight jovialness that Bucky had had wasn’t there and he just looked like he wanted to be gone from this place now. He was only partially dressed and just went right to Steve and just wrapped his arms around him tightly, shaking violently, just wanting to be hugged and Steve did just that.

“That good huh?” He asked, a little teasingly as he rubbed his back.

“Just get me out of here punk.” Bucky whispered into his shoulder. “Please.”

Steve nodded, knowing they weren’t going to go directly home today. He knew a place they could go for a while and decided to take him there. “Okay jerk.” He told him, kissing the side of his head. “Anything you want.”

\--

He was leaning up against the window, Steve’s hand in his hair as they kissed deeply. The window was open, and Bucky could hear the waves crashing on the beach and the sound of light rain on the roof of the car. It relaxed him after being there. And took his mind off other things as well. Lord knows he needed it.

The memories were always strong whenever he had to do anything like that. Especially something like an MRI, which required you to be put in small enclosure and have to sit perfectly still for a long period of time. The doctor had to give him an additional sedative, one that wouldn’t interact too harshly with the Zoloft, just to relax him enough to do this. And even that didn’t completely help. But he’d done it somehow, fighting off the panic that came from being in there.

Because he could do nothing but think while he was in there too.

From the memories of being forced into the cryo-chamber. And of being experimented on like a human guinea pig. To that letter and its contents, his mind had not given him a break at all. He was shaking so badly by the time he got done that it took a good 10 minutes of Steve’s arms around him just to make it stop.

He hated that he was like this. So fucked up he couldn’t do normal things like this. Even if people understood it, it still made him feel weak and defective, and the irritation at that only seemed to make the headache worse.

And the was also the worry about what they might find with the scans. Because it would take a few days to get the results of it. Several days of waiting.

They already knew about the concussions and skull fractures, but this was a more intensive scan and they might’ve been able to see the real extent of the damage and if it was, in fact, causing the headaches and what that meant for him as well. To see just how badly they’d screwed up his brain with all that other shit they’d pulled as well.

There was a small pat of him that wondered if this suffering wasn’t some sort of karmic thing. That he deserved it. That masochistic part of him kept whispering that he did. That this was what he got for having the audacity to think he deserved anything better. He never voiced this out loud, but it was always just under the surface. That guilt and self-loathing were persistent, and never fully out of his head.  

He was scared, anxious and very much on edge. Needing some time to calm himself. So Steve had taken him out to the shore for awhile and here they were, sitting in the car next to the beach. Touching and kissing softly, trying to calm his frazzled nerves and doubts for a little while. Tying to get himself back to some from of stability if only for a little while.

Their lips pulled apart and Bucky laid his head on Steve’s shoulder, feeling Steve’s other hand under his shirt, the warm fingers caressing his skin softly. He wrapped his arms tighter around him and buried his face in his neck, just feeling and smelling him. Grounding himself in Steve’s presence.

“You okay?” He heard Steve ask, his hand stroking his hair.

“No.” He answered honestly, nuzzling his face into his skin. “I’m not.”

“It was rough for you today wasn’t it?”

Bucky swallowed and fisted his shirt in his hands. “It’s always rough.”

“I know.” Steve said softly, his fingers brushing Bucky’s hair. “But you made it.” He ran his other hand over Bucky’s leg, his lips brushing his gently. “Because you’re strong Buck.”

“Really?” He replied, chuckling without much mirth. “Doesn’t feel like I am.”

To be honest most of the time he didn’t feel that way. Most of the time he felt scared which made him feel weak as well. It was a hard thing to admit out loud. Like the way he was currently holding onto Steve’s shirt, like grasping for purchase or something.

“You are.” Steve told him, his lips right by Bucky’s ear. “You’re the bravest person I know.”

He actually scoffed at that. “How?”

“Because you kissed me that time.” Steve told him, lifting his head and holding his face in his hands to look at him. “You did it even though it was dangerous. And you followed me into battle even after what happened to you.” He stared straight into his eyes as he talked, his warm hands just holding Bucky’s face steady. “Because you walked away from them even though you must’ve been terrified every day.”

He tried to look away from, not wanting to acknowledge that. “That was because of you.” He insisted. “You saved me.”

“No Buck.” Steve told him. “You saved yourself and put yourself back together on your own. That was all you.”

“I wanted to go back.” He admitted. “All the time.”

“But you didn’t.” Steve continued. “Because you were strong, and you still are. They could never take that from you. “ He kissed his heard softly, holding him there. “No matter what they did.”

Amelia had told him it had taken a lot of strength to walk away when he did, to stay away in spite of his fear and confusion. Despite the urge to run back to them and make it all go away. To this day he hadn’t known how he’d done it. Every time he’d felt the urge to do so, something kept his feet in place and moving in the other direction. Something kept him going. He still wasn’t sure if it was bravery or just a need to know the truth but whatever it was, it had, in a way, saved him

And he was thinking about all these issues he had. Physical, mental, psychological. It was like it never ended. Every week seemed to bring something new. Some fresh pain or defectiveness that wouldn’t seemed to let him forget about it. Like the fact that he had to be on medication now. That he had anxiety, nightmares and sleep fugues. And now the headaches were getting worse. It never seemed to end.

And there was that anonymous letter. Reminding him too. It never ended. It made him feel tired.

“They did a lot.” He said finally, still bunching Steve’s shirt in his hands. “And I’m not feeling particularly brave right now.” He bit his lip and looked away. “I’m scared.”

“I know you are Buck.” Steve told him, wrapping his arms back around him. “I am too.”

“You are?” He asked, a little surprised at that admission. “Of what/”

“Of losing you.” Steve replied, holding him a little tighter. “I’ve come close so many times and each time nearly killed me.”

Bucky realized that it had happened a lot over the years. The war, the fall, the years of separation after he came out of it. Every separation had felt like a piece of the other had been ripped away. A big piece.  One that could never be replaced by anything but the other. Bucky had thought maybe that was part of what kept him going all those years was the knowledge that that piece was out there. Of course, it made him think of the times he tried to kill him. Not realizing at the time that it was the piece he needed to make him whole. Another thing they’d tried to take away from him, and had sent him to do it himself. To finally kill that one human piece of him. It made angry tears come to his eyes and he hated those so much.

“What is it?” Steve asked him as if he could sense it. “Tell me.”

“It’s nothing I just..” He said softly, finally looking up. “I just love you so much.”

He pulled Steve to him and just kissed him fiercely, wanting to reiterate that or something. As if Steve didn’t know. He pulled him against him, leaning against the door again. He didn’t want to talk anymore now. Wanting to wipe his fear and his worries. Didn’t want to think about his aching head or what caused it. Didn’t want to think about that letter, sitting at home like accusation. Wanted to push the pain back again and remind himself that he was here and still alive. That Steve was still with him and he hadn’t succeeded in that mission.   

Not that one at least.

“I love you too Buck.” Steve whispered against his lips and then pulled back a little. “Are you sure you’re alright?”

Bucky smiled at the concern for his well-being, feeling very loved at that moment. Very safe. “No.. not really but.” He told him and bit his lip again nervously. “I don’t want to talk anymore okay?” He pulled Steve’s lips to his again. “I just need…”

He didn’t have to finish, Steve knew exactly what he meant. He was pulled down onto the seat and allowed himself to be slowly divested of some of his clothing. Moaning softly as Steve’s lips and hands started to take it all away again. He could hear the waves through the window and the rain on the roof. He thought there was something so basic and life-affirming about making love in the backseat of Steve’s truck.  Like for a short period of time, it felt like there was nothing wrong at all.

So Bucky just held on and let it all go for now, pushing it all aside just to be a normal person again.

\--

Steve lay there with his back against the car door, Bucky dozing in his arms, a large fleece blanket wrapped around them both. He come to rather enjoy doing this sometimes. Especially after his appointments when he was at the height of his anxiety and needed to come down from it. Needed comfort.

Just like under the bridge that time. Steve smiled to himself thinking of that and this.

It was a little warmer this time, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t going to make sure Bucky was warm just the same. Making sure the blanket was more on him than himself. He played with Bucky’s hair and listened to the waves and the steady rain on the roof of the truck, thinking he could sit here like this all day. Although he was sure the local authorities might frown on that but for now, they weren’t being bother.

“You know you gotta stay warm too punk.” He heard Bucky say, pulling the blanket over him too and nuzzling his face into his chest. “You’re not that superhuman.”

“Yeah well I didn’t catch pneumonia a few months ago either.” He retorted, brushing his lips over his forehead. “So excuse me for trying to look after you jerk.”

Bucky scoffed a little and shifted against him. “Whatever you say Captain.”

“How’s your head?” He asked curiously, wondering if he was feeling better.

“Pretty good.” Bucky told him, nuzzling his lips on Steve’s chest, which was a lovely feeling had to admit. “Not feeling much pain right now actually.”

Steve smiled at that, betting he wasn’t. He watched as Bucky rested his chin on his chest and smiled at him, his blue eyes a little clearer than they were earlier. He brushed his hair and just stared at him for a moment, trying to make sure he was, in fact alright. That he wasn’t just putting him on, because the headache was concerning. Especially with his history and all.

They wouldn’t get the results for a few more days, tomorrow being Sunday and all. And Bucky’s birthday as well. The last thing he wanted to be doing was worrying about that. Or letting Bucky worry about it, because he knew he was. The hits just kept on coming sometimes and he was trying to give him as much peace and quiet as possible right now.

“So what do you want to do for your birthday tomorrow?”

Bucky rolled his eyes. “Nothing.” He groaned and laid his head back down. “Stop remind me of that.”

“Why not?” He asked. “It’s a good thing.”

“How?” Bucky asked, tracing his fingers over Steve’s chest. “I’m old as shit.” He chuckled and ran his lips over where his fingers were. “And I feel like it too.”

“You’re not the only one.” Steve informed him, digging his fingers into Bucky’s hair as he sucked on his chest a little. “I’m pretty damn old too.”

Bucky nipped his skin a little and then lifted his head from Steve’s chest, sliding up to catching his lips again. Steve let his other hand wander over his back, grabbing himself a handful of glorious ass of his. He felt Bucky smile against his lips and shift a little more onto him.

“Not too old apparently.” He murmured against his lips, allowing Steve to get more of a grip on him. “At least not for fucking me in the back of a car.”

Steve squeezed his ass a little more. “I’ll never be to old for that sweetheart.” He told him, working his lips down to his neck as well. “Because you are smoking hot for your age..”

He was. Bucky had always been gorgeous to him but now he was even more so. There was something in him, a beauty that came from surviving so much horror and coming out on the other side changed. The strength he had as a result of that showed through and changed what had normal beauty into something different. Something more powerful. It showed in every part of him. And Steve could not get enough of seeing and touching him. It just turned him in a whole new way now.

Bucky Barnes had become a stunning powerhouse and he belonged completely to Steve, in a way that wasn’t controlling in any way. It was beautiful because it was given so freely and without reservation.

“God you’re so beautiful.” He growled huskily against Bucky’s neck, pulling him closer. “And all mine.”

He bit his neck softly as if claiming that and Bucky moaned thickly. “Damn straight punk.” He gasped, his legs now straddling Steve. “I’ve always.. been yours..”

And with that Steve gripped Bucky’s hips and pushed him down onto him, and let ride him right there in the car. Holding him down just enough to make sure he wasn’t too far out of reach. And to make sure he didn’t hit that precious head of his on the roof. And just drank in the beauty right in front of his eyes as he pushed up into him.

The waves continued to crash, and the rain continued to fall but they both oblivious to it all, completely caught up in each other once again.

\--

The nightmare was horrible and seemed to never end.

_It was hot, the fires burning all around him as he destroyed all of it. Blowing up the planes. The people. Everything. It had to be taken out. All of it. He could not fail. So nothing was spared._

_The battle rage settled in, that tunnel vision that allowed him to walk through the smoke, his nose picking up the smell of the burning planes. The blood and burning flesh. It registered to him, but he walked through it just the same, all focus on the mission. He had to stop the man. Had to kill him. Everything else was collateral._

_Everything that got in his way was destroyed and disregarded. Even though that part of his mind that was still completely his was registering it all. Was screaming mindlessly, unable to stop it all._

_He walked by a burning body, bloody dog tags hanging out of his shirt. And that part of his mind remembered that too._

_Someone was in the way and he dispatched of them, not bothering to waste ammo and just kicked the enemy away causing yet another explosion. He barely noticed. He was still on target. Screaming and death were all around him. Barely drowning out the screaming inside him, that metallic screech that said words he didn’t understand the meaning of._

_There was a mission. That was the only thing that made sense. Destroy the man in the colored suit. Finish it._

_‘But we know him..’ that other voice in his head told him. ‘They are lying to you.’_

_The Winter Soldier tried to shrug this off, the nagging voices in his head, that that metallic drone couldn’t quite drown and focused on his mission. It was the only thing that made sense. And if he finished it. If he didn’t fail this time, maybe they wouldn’t hurt him. Maybe._

_He fired into the plain, killing the enemy without a second thought. The mission was everything. He had to finish.._

Bucky woke up with the screaming sound of death in his ears and the smell of burning something filling his nose. He shot up out of bed, the sound of a scream echoing through his head. He thought it might’ve been his own. His chest was heaving, his body shaking, a thick sheen of sweat covering him, making him feel cold.

It was the morning of his birthday, and the smell that he thought was the smell of burning flesh was actually the smell of bacon cooking. And at that moment he wasn’t sure he wanted to eat it. His head was screaming in pain again, the nightmare aggravating the headache again with its horrific crescendo of noise.

He sat on the bed for a moment, bent over, clutching his head willing it to away. That memory was the jumble thoughts of the Winter Soldier as he carried his last mission.  5 years ago tomorrow he realized now with horror. When a whole squadron of men had paid for simply being in his way.

_Mission Report, March 11, 2014_

Bucky glanced over at that ominous letter, wondering if it had anything to do with that. He thought it might. The coincidence was just too much really. It did occur to him to think maybe the letter and the stress over yesterday had simply brought on the dream. But it felt like it could be related.

Or maybe it was his mind grasping at a new way to punish himself by combining these two separate things. He didn’t know and it was that simple.

Flashes of the nightmare memory flew threw his head and he did his best to push them away for now. Knowing he needed to get up and get breakfast before Steve came looking for him. Needing to get himself together before seeing him. So he tried to do just that, wrapping one of his hands around his tags and taking a few deep breaths to calm himself.  And was finally able to get out of bed.

The smell of the bacon was still making him a little ill as he made his way down the hallway, but it was becoming overpowered by another smell. That of cinnamon rolls, and that was definitely better.  It made him hungry.

Coming out into the kitchen he saw Steve, looking his usual gorgeous self in a pair of jeans and t-shirt. He leaned against the wall entry to the kitchen and stared at him, putting on his best face to hide the after-effects of his nightmare from him. Last thing he wanted to do was worry him today. Just wanted to let him enjoy himself as he pampered him.

He saw Steve turn and give him one those smiles that usually made him. Hell it made most people with a pulse melt. “Well good morning sunshine.” He said, throwing the towel over his shoulder and walking over to him. “You look ravishing per usual.”

Bucky scoffed as Steve put his hands on his face. “You must need glasses or something punk.” He replied, sliding his arms around Steve. “Cause I look like shit.”

Steve seemed to study him for a moment as he stood in his arms. Sometimes it made Bucky feel exposed at the penetrating way he did sometimes. As if he could see all the way into him. It made him look down, feeling Steve’s hand stroking his hair gently.

“Are you okay?” He asked him softly. “You do look a little pale.”

Bucky bit his lip, debating on how honest he wanted to be. The memory of the fire and the blood. The screaming. The bloody dog tags. _You killed my son._ A pulse went through his head and he squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, steadying himself, allowing himself to hold onto Steve a little more to do so.

“I’m alright.” He answered finally. “My head still hurts a bit.”

It wasn’t a lie. It did still hurt. But it wasn’t all, and he had a feeling Steve knew it too. “You sure that’s it?” He asked, still giving him that damn look.

“Yeah.” He told him, electing to keep the rest to himself for now. “That’s it.” He put on his best winning smile. “That little fucker in my head won’t stop his damn hammering.”

Covering up how worried he was about that too. Hoping to just put that as well as the rest of it out of his mind for a little bit today.

“Well then maybe I can help with that.” Steve suggested, his hand wrapping around the back of Bucky’s head. “You know.. quiet him down a little.”

Bucky smiled a little, liking that idea. “Maybe.”

Steve just grinned and pulled his face to his and kissed him sweetly. And the moment their lips touched the memory of the nightmare faded back in his head, as did the pain of this headache. Not gone completely but just dormant.  He let Steve pull him closer and melted into it, not minding being rendered helpless and even a little stupid by it this time. This time he wanted to be. He sighed into it, leaning against the wall, enjoying the feel of it.

“Happy Birthday beautiful.” Steve whispered against his lips, pressing him gently against the wall.

Bucky let lips curved into a smile, tilting his head and deepening it, feeling Steve’s hand gripping his hair and his body pressed against his. Their tongues moved together in a sweet delicious dance and he was in no rush to end it. In no hurry to let those thoughts rush back in and interfere in his day.

He was filled with another thought. That this was the first time in nearly 75 years in which he’d even acknowledged his birthday.  Even when he peripherally aware of it after he’d gotten out, it had seemed sort of pointless to think about. Just another day he was trying to survive, and in a way, a reminder of the time he’d lost. If a birthday was supposed to be about celebrating another year of your life, well Bucky had had a hard time finding anything there worth celebrating. And that thought made him feel sad and a bit lost, because he remembered it should’ve been a happy occasion.

There something else nagging at the edges of his mind too, something that had to do with the dream earlier. His head felt crowded with a confusing mess of thoughts and it was really messing with him. Pulling back from Steve he put slid his hands onto his waist and lowered his head, as if trying to hid thee thoughts. Not that it did much good.

 “What’s wrong?” He heard Steve ask, his hands still on his face.

“It’s my birthday and I.. “ He paused, biting his lip. “I don’t know how to.. to feel about it. “ He tried to smile but it wasn’t working. “It’s been a while.”

“I get that.” Steve replied, leaning his head against Bucky’s “We don’t have to do anything special alright? We’ll do whatever you want.”

Bucky turned his head a little, his lips almost touching Steve’s. “I think I just.. want to spend it with you.” He whispered to him, his eyes closing. “If that’s okay.”

“If that’s what you want sweetheart.” Steve told him, his fingers threading into Bucky’s again, fisting it gently. “We can do that.”

Their lips came together again, and Bucky was perfectly happy to be pressed into the wall again, his arms wrapping Steve again and pulling him closer. He couldn’t think of a better way to spend his birthday to be honest.

\--

Steve was perfectly understanding about Bucky’s melancholy regarding his birthday. It was a complicated matter he knew. He spent plenty of time doing things outside the house with Sam at the VA or just wandering on his own but he sensed Bucky’s mind was in a strange place right now and he just wanted to be home today.

It was not a problem at all really.

They had spent a good amount of time right there against the wall, kissing each other until neither could breath. Until Bucky’s lips were once again beautifully swollen and his face flushed from lack of breath. He then pulled him to the table for his breakfast, amused at the hazy look he had on his face. Which was certainly better than the strange confusion he’d seen earlier.

And he did seem hungry, digging into the cinnamon rolls and French toast, slathering the latter with maple syrup and powdered sugar. But strangely seemed to have no interest in the bacon. Which was notable because he usually loved it.

“You sure you don’t want any of this?” He asked him as he ate some of it. “I got plenty.”

Bucky seemed to crinkle his nose. “No.” He replied, as if the smell of it was making him sick. “I can’t today.”

“Why not?”

He seemed to contemplate his answer for a moment. “I had a nightmare and.. the smell just.. “ He tried to explain. “I don’t know I just can’t.”

It was the first time he’d implied his mood wasn’t just from the headache and Steve wondered why he’d hesitated to tell him this before. The idea that the smell of bacon cooking was bothering him as a result of this nightmare was strangely disturbing to him at the implication of its contents.  But he wasn’t going to ask, if Bucky wanted to tell him he would.

“At least you’re eating.” He observed with a grin on his face. “Even if it’s mostly sugar.”

“Hey it’s my birthday punk.” Bucky retorted, stuffing a syrupy piece of toast in his mouth. “I get to eat what I want.”

Steve just thought he looked adorable at that moment, with some powder and syrup on his face, just not wolfing it down like a damn kid. He took a napkin and reached over, wiping it off his face and watching him scrunch his nose cutely as he did it.

“That’s my messy, grumpy bear right there.” He observed as he finished and rested his chin on his hand, just dinking him in. “So adorable. “

Bucky just gave him an irritated look as he finished his breakfast/lunch and Steve just had to kiss him again, tasting the syrup and the sugar and a hint of cinnamon as well. Thinking it was a great idea for them to just stay home today. The weather wasn’t great anyways. It was pouring out, the rain pounding against the windows. Been raining for a few days actually.

Once they were done eating they simply retired to the living room, just curling up together on the couch and finding  a few movies on tv. Some of them were old ones they’d seen and newer ones they hadn’t. And a certain point they had started to play around with each other.  Touching and tickling and annoying each other.

“You may be bigger but you’re still ticklish Rogers.” Bucky told him, actually giggling as he straddled him on the couch. “You never outgrew that.”

And Bucky knew exactly where all those ticklish place were too, mercilessly attacking them. “Cut it out jerk!” Steve laughed breathlessly. “I mean it.”

Bucky grinned, with a glint in his eyes. “What are you gonna do about it punk?” He asked teasingly as he straddle him on the couch.

Steve grabbed his hips and flipped him onto his back, and then held his hands down against the couch. He smiled down at Bucky, who looked defiant and turned on at the same time. His eyes with that look that Steve loved. His blue eyes glinting with mirth.

“That’s what I’m gonna do jerk.” He growled at him and brought his lips to Bucky’s neck. “And this.”

He bit down softly, causing Bucky to moan softly, his body arching ever so slightly under him. Steve continued to hold his wrists down against the cushions, his restraint strong but not too tight. He could feel the pulsing strength of Bucky’s metal arm pressing against his palm, those segments flexing under his hand, and knew if he really wanted to he could break free from his grasp but he didn’t. And there was something about that submission that turned Steve on even more, causing him bite down a little harder on his neck, just under his ear.

“That’s not playing fair Captain.” Bucky breathed in his ear, writhing slightly under him, but not putting up a real fight.

“Maybe not Sergeant.” He growled against Bucky, sucking on the bite mark he’d just created. “But I know you love it.”

He knew he did, especially with the whimpers and moans he heard as he made more beautiful marks on his throat and neck. Continuing to keep his wrists restrained, his body resting between Bucky’s legs. Eventually he pulled his lips from Bucky’s now tender neck and smothered his lips with his. They were practically swallowing each other’s tongue, both still fully dressed but completely turned on by this heavy make-out session.

When he finally let go of his wrists it was so he could pull some of his clothes off to get at more of his body. To kiss him all over and leave more beautiful marks on his skin. And to pleasure him right there on the couch, making sure he enjoyed every second of this.

Making sure he had a very happy birthday for the first time in a very long time.

\--

He was dozing pretty contentedly on the couch, feeling that tingling all over his body. Bucky smiled and buried his face more into Steve’s chest, wrapped around him about as tightly as he could be. This was a very nice way to spend his birthday he had to admit.

His headache was feeling better that was for sure. Allowing him to rest without an aching head as well.

“That was one hell of birthday present punk.” He murmured sleepily. “Thanks.”

“Anything you for you beautiful.” Steve told him, brushing his lips over his forehead. “Glad you enjoyed it..”

Oh he had. Recalling the way Steve had held him down and drove him crazy his with his lips. The way he’d pleasured his body and made him cum so beautifully he still couldn’t think straight. Yeah he was damn good at it.

“Mmm.” He murmured, his eyes closing, vaguely aware that the tv was still on some movie.  He had been pleasured so well he’d forgotten about it to be honest. “Yeah..very much.”

A little laterBucky thought he must’ve fallen asleep right there because the fiery chaos was swirling around him again. The smell of burnt flesh and metal. The heat from the explosions blasting his face. The screams and explosions assaulting his ears and he shuddered in Steve’s arms, clutching him with hands like manacles.

“Hey it’s okay.” He heard Steve say, wrapping his arm tighter around Bucky’s body. “You’re safe.”

He became more aware of his surroundings and realized the tv was on and there was a war movie on. And the lingering smell of the bacon was till in the air. And Steve’s body was warm against his face and he realized that he hadn’t really fallen asleep, he’d just flashed back, confusing the sensory input with images in his head. It was frightening how quickly it could still happen.

His breathing was still ragged, and he was shaking, burying his face against Steve’s chest trying to calm it. He had this shit so much. It ruined everything. He could feel Steve’s hand, stroking his hair softly and let it slowly relax him back into comfort again, pushing the panic back and allowing him to relax.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered, wrapping his arm tighter around Steve. “I hate this shit.”

“It’s alright Buck.” He heard Steve tell him as he held him close. “Wanna talk about it?”

Oh what a relief it would’ve been if he could. Just like every other time he was reluctant at first. It seemed like everything was difficult. Like the experiments, the torture, the rapes it was all blocked up in his self-loathing and shame and it was always a process to get it out. Never mind the fact that fa he still felt unstable and off in spite of all the forward progress he’d made.

It was all so difficult and heavy, and he felt like he’d burdened Steve enough sometimes. Feeling guilty about it all the time. 

“No it’s alright.” He told him, kissing his chest softly. “I’ll be fine.”

“You sure about that?”

“Yeah.” He told him, swallowing and closing his eyes. “I can deal with this.”

“I know you can.” He heard him say resignedly. “But I’m here okay?”

He knew that and nodded, but right now just wanted to not think about it at all. Just laid there with his eyes closed but not sleeping his mind a jumbled mix of thoughts. Seeing the words on that note, the images in his head.

He was killer. Had taken away so many birthdays from so many. Why did he have the right to have any. To be happy and smile when he’d denied so many that right.

_You killed my son._

Bucky wrapped his arm around Steve a little tighter, trying to fight it off.

_Mission report._

“It’s okay.” He heard Steve’s voice filtering through the other stuff. “I got you.”

_Good Soldier._

He turned his face into Steve and held on to him, keeping himself in the present. Curling up the blanket, tucked in between him and the couch and just fought his way through it again as best he could. And let Steve hold him tight as he did. Drawing strength from him as much as he could.

\--

They had spent the rest of the day relaxing and Steve had done his best to just be steady for Bucky after that nightmare/flashback on the couch. All he wanted to do was make him feel better after it and decided to finish off the birthday right as well.

“Come on.” He said softly, rousing Bucky off the couch. “Got something for you.”

“Thought you already gave me my present.” Bucky said with a little smirk, obviously feeling better.

“Day’s not over yet jerk.” Steve said, pulling him to his feet.

They got somewhat dressed and he brought Bucky to the kitchen and sat him down at the table. He then went to the fridge and pulled it out. A big old cake. He took 1 large candle and lit it. And saw Bucky smile and roll his eyes a little as he brought it over to him.

Bucky got a horrified look on his face. “Please tell me your not gonna sing .”

Steve chuckled as he put the cake on the table. “Do you want me too?”

“Naw.” Said Bucky, with a shake of his head. “We don’t want to torture the neighborhood dogs with that.”

“Hilarious.” Steve said with another chuckle. “Now you gotta blow out the candle and make a wish.”

“Now this is corny even for you Rogers.”

“Just humor me will you?” He told him, smiling and ruffling his hair.

“Okay.” Bucky sighed. “I’m only doing this for you though.”

He watched as Bucky blew out the candle and leaned over and kissed his head adoringly. “That’s my good bear.”

He saw Bucky roll his eyes again and thought that was the most adorable thing he’d ever seen. “Whatever.” Bucky said snarkily. “Just cut the cake punk I’m starving.”

Steve cut off a couple of big damn pieces of cake and watched Bucky wolf it down. It was like all he wanted today was sugar and who was he not to humor him? And once again got some on his face and Steve could not resist the urge to wipe it off him like a parent with a child. Bucky just looked at him with a cute mixture of irritation and love and it was almost too much.

He reached over and pulled his face to his and kissed him again, tasting the chocolate on his lips. It was a lovely sensation. “I love you.” He whispered to him.  “Happy Birthday.”

Bucky seemed to lean his head against his and took a deep breath. “I love you to.” He replied. “Thanks.”

“For what?”

“This is honestly the birthday I’ve had in over 70 years.” He answered, his eyes shut. “Even if I was a bit.. moody and all.”

Steve sat back and left his hand on his face, seeing that slightly haunted look on his face again. “It’s fine.” He tired, letting his thumb stroke his face gently.  “Sure you don’t want to talk about it?”

“No” Bucky replied, flicking his eyes back to his piece of cake. “I don’t want to ruin today any more than I already have.”

“You haven’t ruined it Buck.” Steve reassured, hating when he said things like that. “It’s alright.”

Bucky looked back over at him and smiled, although it didn’t seem to go directly to his eyes. “Maybe we can talk tomorrow?” He suggested. “Today’s.. different.”

Steve wondered if Bucky would finally tell him about the letter he was keeping. Tell him what we really going on right now. He didn’t know. Tomorrow was a different day and he wasn’t sure when Bucky would talk about anything. Knowing from experience sometimes it took a long time before he could talk about anything. He always gave him the space to let him decide when. And right now he needed that space again.

“We’ll do that.” He told him. “Now finish your cake birthday boy.”

“Of course punk you know me.” He replied, grabbing his fork and giving Steve an adorable smile. “I  never waste chocolate.”

Steve smiled as he watched him enjoy his cake, enjoying the moment. He seemed okay for now. Hoping he would stay that way. That maybe tomorrow he would talk about it. Whatever it was.  Right no he just wanted to finish his birthday off right. Tomorrow could wait a little longer.

\--

Sometime in the middle of the night he’d gotten up. He needed to find it. It was part of it. Part of the mission. His handler had hidden it from him was testing his ability to find it. He had been trained for all contingencies. And there was one last thing that had to be taken care of.

He rose from his resting place, in the place that become familiar to him. Safe even. Warmer than the other one they’d kept him in. Not that he minded. He had one specific purpose and comfort was a privilege he was allowed. He turned and looked at his newest handler. Who was resting as well. Studying him for a moment.

The other one trusted him. He did things with him willingly, without having to be forced to. He did not appear to be being hurt by this one.  and this confused the Soldier to a high degree. One didn’t interact in such ways with handlers. It didn’t compute with the programming. With his training.

Standing up the Soldier strode out of the room and began to search for the weapon, checking all available quadrants until he found a drawer that contained several things that would do the trick. He selected one that looked sharp and went back to the room and standing next to the bed where his handler lay.

Waiting for him to wake and finish the mission. The last one.

He could wait for a long time. He was trained for that.

\--

Steve was awoken by something. He didn’t know what it was at first. And then he realized Bucky wasn’t with him.

It was immediately concerning, but not as concerning as what he saw when he opened his eyes.

Bucky was standing beside the bed, almost as if standing at attention. Wearing his bed clothes, something clutched in his right hand. Steve could tell, even in the dark, it wasn’t really him.  Not in a conscious sense. He knew who this was. 

“Soldier?” He asked, sitting up on the edge of the bed.

The Soldier did not respond of course just stood there. His eyes looking at Steve with icy look but strangely not making eye contact. He held his hand out to Steve and he finally saw what was in it.

Steve had removed any guns from their home at Bucky’s request due his attempt to harm himself 6 months ago. And the fact that he had been afraid that he’d harm Steve in his sleep. It was a real fear due to the fact that he had done that as well. But there was certain things you couldn’t remove from your house. And the Soldier had one of these things.

A knife from the kitchen drawer. A sharp one.

And he was offering it to Steve. It wasn’t to harm him Steve knew.

He knew exactly what it was for. And it killed him.

Remembering what the last major incident like this had revealed the self-destruct program that buried in his subconscious. The one where the Soldier provided the handler with the means to put him down. And since he did not have a gun available. The knife was the next best thing.

He still hadn’t told Bucky this. Cold not bring himself to tell him they’d done this as well.

“Mission Report Soldier.” He asked with a dry mouth, needing to confirm this information.

“End of Mission March 11, 2014. “ The Soldier said flatly, still holding the knife out to Steve. “Final Protocol “

Something hit Steve like a weight at that date. It was right around the time of Insight mission. It had been the last mission Bucky had done for Hydra he understood with shocking clarity that it would’ve been his last no matter what. Whether he succeeded or failed at it, it was the last one.  He would’ve been terminated the moment he came back. And he himself would’ve provided the weapon to do it.

5 years ago today he would’ve been dead had he not walked away on his own.

He hated these bastards so much. Vowing to find any of them left in the world and destroying them.

Reaching his hand out he put his hand on the knife and took it out of his hand. He saw the Soldier, it was still Bucky he reminded himself, let his head fall back slightly as if exposing it, which may have been what he was doing. It hurt Steve’s heart to see this and he dropped the knife on the bed, not wanting it in his hand now.

“No Soldier.” He told him. “You’re worth more than that.”

Steve watched has he head lowered, and he looked at him confused, as if not expecting this. Steve stepped forward, putting his hands on the Soldiers arms and pulled him closer to him. He then lifted his hands and put them on his face, looking into his eyes.

“Bucky?” He asked. “Come back. It’s okay now.”

He waited a moment, a long moment that seemed to stretch out forever. And then the body started to shudder as if it was about to crumble, and all of a sudden it was Bucky’s terrified, confused eyes staring at him now.

“Steve?” He asked as he stood, looking so horribly confused. “What/”

Steve t pulled him into his arms, wrapping his hand around the back of Bucky’s head, holding him to him. Bucky just seemed to stand there with his arms at his side as if unable to comprehend what was going on.

“Oh Bucky.” He whispered into his hair. “Thank god.”

“What happened.” Bucky asked again, the confusion turning into fear. “What did I do?”

Steve couldn’t answer yet, just held him in his arms a little longer, letting his racing heart calm down. It was all he could do right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes the Winter Soldier is back, did you think he actually left? Well anyways it tends to happen when Bucky had turmoil or feeling threatened to some degree. And the former is certainly the case isnt' it now?
> 
> I also thought I'd give a small peek into the head of WS just for the hell of it too. Hope that was interesting. 
> 
> The anonimity of the letter he found is the whole point really. He can't dismiss it because he has a lot of bodies to his credit unfortunately. Is it related to the last mission? Maybe. ;)
> 
> I have heard and seen indications that that last mission took place around his birthday which I find interesting for so many reasons. Whether it's true or not is irrelevant to me, for the purposes of the plot-lines. What an interesting coincidence that he was finally freed around that time and a part of him seems to know this. Maybe it's the reason why, other than the fact that he's basically 102 now (and looks damn good I might add) that he has mixed feelings about the birthday and all. 
> 
> And the rainy weather, well lets just say its been raining where I am and I felt it fit the mood a bit. 
> 
> Next chapter will deal with the fallout from the end of this, but it will not be up for a while as i'll be away next weekend (going to see Endgame with my bestie in Tennessee) and won't be updating, but I swear I'll get back to it when I come home. I know I kind of left it in a rough spot lol. 
> 
> Once again thank you all for the lovely comments I appreciate them greatly <3


	18. Fracture

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back from vacation (and thouroughly enjoyed Endgame thank you guys for asking. But I finally was able to get settle enough to get a new chapter done and this one is kind of interesting to me for a a variety of reasons.

“What did I do?”

He kept asking the question even though Steve didn’t seem to want to tell him. It scared him which in turn made him angry as well. Needing an answer that would stop the horrifying scenarios in his mind right now. And he was frustrated as well, having believed and hoped this part of his madness had gone away but apparently it hadn’t.

Bucky stepped away from Steve and ran his hands through his hair, feeling the increase in his heartrate and breathing. As well as the over brightness and body tremors that indicated he was about to have a full blown panic=c attack now. His shaking hand opened the bedside table drawer to grab the pack of cigarettes he’d kept there for emergencies. He hadn’t smoked much since he’d been sick, on advice from the doctors but kept them around just the same. For times like this when he just.. couldn’t cope and his medicine didn’t help.

“Buck.” He heard Steve say from not far behind him. “You weren’t gonna hurt me it’s alright.”

He whirled around the cigarettes in his hand, his eyes wide and pained. “Then what the fuck was I gonna do with this?” He asked, picking up the kitchen knife that was laying on the bed like a silent accuser. “Cut fruit?” He felt so scared and angry he could not control the tone and level of his voice. “Why the hell did I have it?”

“You just did Buck.” Steve tried to tell him, even though his eyes were saying something different. “I don’t know why.”

“Sure you don’t.” Bucky replied angrily, pulling a cigarette out of the pack and grabbing the lighter. “I’m not stupid Steve I know it’s more than that so stop bullshitting me.”

Remembering the way Steve had grabbed and held him like he was scared shitless. He simply didn’t want to tell him for whatever reason. And it scared him to think of why. He could see the worry and fear and maybe even a little anger on Steve’s face at his words. And strangely felt relieved by it.

“You don’t need to know this Buck.” Steve told him, his voice edged with that anger. “You don’t want to, trust me.”

Bucky felt his metal hand shake as he lit the cigarette right there. “I don’t you to protect me from reality Steve.” He snapped a little. “I can deal with most things just fine.”

“Can you?” He heard Steve ask, this time hearing a little pain in his voice. “Because it doesn’t look like you’re dealing with anything well right now.”

He didn’t like how close to home that was and was about to snap something else back at him. Trying to find something that would just shut him the hell up if he wasn’t going to tell the truth, when he saw where Steve’s eyes were focused.

That damn letter sticking out of his journal like another accusation.  

_You killed my son._

Bucky’s hand shook, barely able to hold the cigarette steady. “I’m dealing just fine.” He told him, knowing full well it was a lie.

“Sure you are.” Steve said, his voice soft again. “What was in that letter Buck?”

“Nothing.” He lied again. “Junk mail.”

Steve shook his head and stepped a little closer. “Now whose bullshitting who?”

Now there was a quid pro quo thing there wasn’t there? He knew he was right. He didn’t have the right to accuse him of hiding something when he was doing it himself. Suddenly feeling like a piece of shit again for all kinds of reasons. Whatever Steve wasn’t telling him was to protect him, that was pretty clear, but what he was hiding, he was hiding to punish himself with. He could not deny that fact.

Finding the ash-tray he put his cigarette in it and picked up his journal, pulling the letter out. He then handed it to Steve and sat down heavily on the bed, his hands folded between his knees. His head was starting to ache again along with that general terrible feelings he had at the moment. His fingers shaking as he looped them together between his legs.

Out of the corner of his eye, saw Steve open the letter and look at it, reading its contents and could see the sad look as well. “Why did you keep this?” He asked quietly as he stood there with it.

“Because it’s the truth.” He answered, looking down at his fingers. “I did it.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Yes I do.” He replied, looking up at him finally. “I killed a lot of people’s sons. And so many others.. Husbands, wives, mothers.. fathers.” He paused, trying to keep feelings in check. “None of them get to have anymore birthdays.. get to be with the people they love…be happy.. get to live to ride roller-coasters. I took that away from them.” He ran his hands through his hair and covered his face with them. “Why should I get to have those things and they don’t? That’s why I kept it, to remind myself.”

He hunched over a bit, feeling himself shake with that admission. With the guilt and pain of it all. Wondering if he could just curl his body into nothing and disappear into it. Thinking of the days he felt good and hitting himself with the idea that he didn’t deserve it a all. Realizing that in these bad times had a very hard time finding that good feeling. The darkness always seemed to cover everything.

Steve’s hands were suddenly on his shoulders and he felt the urge to pull away from it but didn’t. Just rested his head against his stomach instead and lifted his hands to his waist. Just sitting there like that for a little bit.

“I don’t have an answer for that.” He heard him say softly to him. “But you have to stop doing this to yourself Buck.. it doesn’t do any good.”

He was glad that Steve, in way didn’t try to sugarcoat it or devalue his feelings on that, because honestly right now he was having a hard time seeing the upside and any attempt to deflect his guilt would just, in weird way, make it worse. He simply needed to feel what he felt so he could deal with it let it go eventually. And Steve seemed to have some understanding of that process.

It was another reason he needed to know what had happened with the knife as well. Whatever it was he had to face it sooner or later.

“Tell me what I did.” He asked, looking up at Steve from his sitting position. “I can handle it. “

Steve put his hand on his head comfortingly. “Are you sure?”

He did an inner council for a moment and nodded. “Yeah.” He told him, his fingers itching for his cigarette again. “I need to know.”

Steve pulled away and sat down next to him, handing him the ashtray. Not putting up any fuss about him smoking in the house or smoking period, for which he was grateful. He knew it wasn’t good for himbut he needed it now. His nerves were frayed lately and while his medication took the edge off it was still a mess in his head right now. He pulled out the still lit cigarette and took a drag of it and waited for Steve to talk. To explain how he’d woken up this morning.

“You gave it me, or I should say the Soldier did.” Steve began to explain. “He said it was End of Mission Protocol… for the last mission. They programmed you with it to.. “ He seemed to pause and gather himself. “To provide them with the weapon they were going to put you down with.” He looked at him with pained eyes. “I think you were supposed to die that day Buck.. whether you succeeded or not they would’ve killed you.”

Bucky felt his hands shake as that information sunk in. A suicide protocol. Guaranteed to ensure his silence forever. He realized that a part of him deep down knew this. It might’ve been the reason he didn’t go back after. Or why he went so hard at that mission to begin with. Because there was no damn tomorrow for him.

_I need you to do it one more time…_

After everything they did to him and he did for them, they were going to throw him away the second they didn’t need him anymore. It hurt in a way he hadn’t expected it to. A sense of betrayal he didn’t understand because he’d always known they didn’t care about him, but it was still there just the same. Wondering if it was the Soldier that felt that more than him himself. Because he could feel that second presence in his head right now. Very close to the surface.

_One more thing.._

The only way they had ever planned on letting him go was to die. And to provide the weapon to do it. And that particular programming was still there in his head.

The Winter Soldier, who was still alive in there, still had it.

He took a huge drag from his cigarette, nearly choking on it before snuffing it out.  And got up off the bed, stalking around for a moment. His metal hand found the table near the window and flipped it angrily without even thinking about it, sending anything it had on it flying with the force of it. His breathing was ragged, and he leaned over, just trying to get that under control. His head was pounding now

“Fuck.” He muttered, seeing the mess as he leaned over. “I’m sorry.”

Steve voice was right behind him when he answered. “It’s okay.” He said, gently putting his hand on his back comfortingly. “I’m more worried about you.”

He turned around to face him, not hiding the rage that was in him now. Letting the Winter Soldier to to surface now in full display. He was too fucking tired to hold him down and fight it. “70 fucking years.” He hissed out. “They took that from me, made me kill innocent people for them. Told me I was doing a goddamn service and then they were just gonna… put a fucking bullet in my head.” His fist clenched together, the metal one surging with kinetic energy that was a little scary to him. “And I was gonna hand them the weapon.”

He wanted to hit something, hard. To annihilate something, it was strong. But there was nothing available really. He’d already flipped the damn table over. There were no Hydra people. No asshole in a suit smacking him across the face like an ornery child. There was just Steve and he would die before he hurt him again.

But he still was also afraid of what would happen if he let him touch him, with that energy surging through his arm like that. So he stayed back from him for a moment, trying to calm the monster that lurked inside. The hyper-alert one that he could barely control.

“Bucky?” Steve asked softly, taking a step forward, causing Bucky to step back. “It’s okay.”

“You might not want to get to close.” He warned. “I’m not safe.”

Steve shook his head, and stepped forward, putting his hands on his arms gently. “I’m not scared of you.” He said softly, his fingers wrapping around the vibrating metal. “Or of him.”

“You should be.” He told him, feeling the fingers flex into a fist again. “He could kill you.”

Steve just held his wrists and looked in his eyes. “He won’t.”

“How the fuck can you even be sure of that?” He asked incredulously, feeling the Soldier’s anger under the surface.

“Because he’s a part of you.” Was Steve’s reply, pulling him a little closer. “That’s why.”

Bucky had barely allowed himself to access the thoughts of the Winter Soldier. Had been terrified to, but when he let himself peek in there, he didn’t see any anger directed toward Steve. Which puzzled and relieved him at the same time. He was still wary of this, wary of him though. And just the process of looking into that part of his mind had made his head hurt more and caused him to shake in fear of what else he would see in there.  

He was just on information overload right now, feeling two people in his head and two sets of thought processes. He’d felt it before, when he was first freed from Hydra and putting his head back together. And it had felt a lot like this.  He was having a hard time sorting out his own thoughts It was exhausting.

“My head hurts.” He told Steve closing his eyes as he stood here. “I can’t.. think.”

Steve let go of his wrists and wrapped his arms around him, pulling him to him. Bucky offered no resistance to this at all, just let himself be held. Letting his face be pressed into Steve’s shoulder and eventually put his own arms around him. He felt confused and exhausted at the same time. Realizing, only if peripherally, that it was very early in the morning. The sun was barely up.

“Let’s go back to bed okay?” He heard Steve say, his hand on his hair, stroking it softly.

Bucky looked over his shoulder and saw the table and its contents all over the floor. “But I.. made a mess.”

“We’ll deal with that later.” He told him, pulling back and resting his hands on Bucky’s face. “Come on.”

Bucky was just too damn tired to put up any more protests, just allowed himself to be brought back to bed. He let Steve wrap him up in his arms again and buried his face in his neck, his exhausted mind in terrible turmoil again. He closed his eyes trying to calm his mind. To calm the Winter Soldier in there as well. He could feel him clawing for purchase again. And he wasn’t sure if he had the strength to hold him down anymore.

He tightened his arm around Steve, getting as close as possible to his warmth because he felt cold again as well. It had been a while since he’d felt like this and he hated it. “Steve..” He whispered against his neck. Feeling afraid to fall asleep again.

“Sssh.” He heard Steve say, his hand stroking his hair. “Go to sleep.”

“I can’t.” He said quietly against his neck. “What if I…?”

“It’s alright.” Steve replied, pulling him even closer. “I’ll be here I promise.”

Eventually he did, unable to fight the exhaustion again, going to sleep with the fear still that something would happen. But he was just so damn tired and the blackness, and the warmth of Steve’s body was a nice refuge from his chaotic mind.

\--

Steve was hardly surprised that he woke up again. He’d seen the chaos in his eyes and knew it would be a tough go today. He was fully planning on calling Bucky’s therapist today to get an emergency session because it certainly qualified as one.

He watched as Bucky stirred, opening his eyes and rising up on his arm. But it wasn’t really him. Once again, his alter-ego had come to the surface, apparently not done yet. His icy blue eyes questioning as he got up even more, leaning over Steve. He didn’t feel threatened at all by this because the move wasn’t a threatening one. Not yet at least.

“Why haven’t you done it?” The Soldier asked, in perfect English this time. “The mission is over.”

“Because I’m not going to.” Steve answered, looking up at him.

The Soldier looked at him like this didn’t compute or something. “It’s mission protocol. It has to be done.” He said, his legs now straddling Steve’s as he leaned over him. “The Asset must be terminated.”

Steve just looked at him softly, feeling pained that this was locked in his head somewhere. That after everything ele they’d done, they’d done this too. Wondering if maybe this was part of Bucky’s belief in his own worthlessness, along with the guilt he carried. A deep knowledge he was expendable.

“You’re not just an asset.” He told him, looking in his eyes. “You’re worth more than that.”

He saw more painful confusion in his eyes at that. Not used to hearing this from what he considered to be a handler. Used to abuse and orders. Of being nothing but a weapon. The idea that he meant more than that wasn’t really registering to him. It broke his heart, because this was still Bucky, just a different part of him, and the belief existed deep down inside him too.

Reaching up he put a hand softly on his face and once again saw the Soldier flinch slightly as if expecting a blow. He looked in his eyes and tried to show him, this deeply wounded part of Bucky that still had a difficult time trusting anyone.

“I love you.” He told him softly. “I could never kill you.”

Steve watched his eyes as he leaned over him, looking like Bucky did but not quiet. The confusion in his wide blue eyes. He was beautiful like this too, attractive in a tortured way that had on many occasions brought out a desire in him to take him in this state as well. That unstable, almost feral quality in the way he looked, the way he moved. He fought the urge because he knew it would be just another form of abuse to give in that particular desire. Because he wasn’t truly himself here.

The only thing he could and would do was pull himself up and kiss him softly. Feeling the Soldier stiffen and then slowly relent, his tense posture relaxing.  He pulled him down gently, laying him on his side again and pulled hi lips away, laying his head against his.

He could see his eyes, still open and confused and held his face with his hands. “Sleep Soldier.” He told him. “It’s okay.”

Those eyes blue eyes seemed to close as if following an order and Steve wrapped his arm back around him, pulling him close to him. The body in his arms seemed to relax it s tense posture again and settle into sleep. Eventually wrapping an arm around Steve’s waist in a trusting way. He breathed a sigh of relief and watched him sleep next to him, seeing the softness return to his face. Seeing Bucky there now, back to sleep again.

Steve allowed himself to sleep for a little bit himself, subconsciously keeping his arms tight around Bucky as he shook through another nightmare, but he didn’t wake. And allowed Steve himself to sleep for a little while too.

He was woken by the knowledge Bucky was, once again, not in the bed. A mild panic went through him before he registered the sound of metal against wood and turned to see Bucky sitting on the floor, looking like he was trying to fix the table. The one he’d tipped over the night before.  He was just sitting on the floor, using a screw-driver to put the leg back on.

“You don’t have to do that you know?” Steve said as he got up. “It’s alright.”

Bucky didn’t even look back at him, just concentrated on what he was doing. “I break it I fix it.” He said quietly. “That’s how it works.”

Steve smiled a little sadly, remembering Bucky say that as a kid. It was his father’s rule and Bucky had adhered to it. Was adhering to it even now over 80 years later. Some things you maintained without realizing it. Just old habits drilled into you.

He swung his legs off the bed onto the floor and watched him, the muscles in back moving under his shirt, occasionally pushing his hair out of the way absently.  Steve could see the side of his face and the concentration in his eyes as he worked. Still good with his hands, which was probably useful in putting weapons together too thought with a little dismay. Wondering if there was a skill of his they hadn’t used.

He walked over and sat down on the floor behind him, reaching over and brushing the errant strand of hair away and put his arms around him. He seemed to stiffen for a moment to stop what he was doing and take a deep breath.

“I mean you don’t have to Buck.” He whispered in his ear. “It’s okay.”

“I know but.” Bucky answered, not looking up. “I want to.”

He brushed some hair away from Bucky’s neck and kissed it softly. “Okay.” He told him, interlocking his fingers around his waist. “Whatever you want.”

Bucky resumed his work, with Steve sitting behind him, adjusting the table leg. Steve rested his chin on his shoulder and watched him work. The morning sun peeked in the through the blinds leaving those bars of scattered light over them as he worked in silence for a while.

“Did I wake up again?” He asked finally, finishing the leg. “Feels like I did.”

“Yeah.” Steve admitted, not bothering to lie to him about this anymore, there wasn’t a point. “You did for a little bit.”

“Did he come out?”

“He did.” He told him, pressing his lips to his shoulder again, feeling Bucky tense slightly. “He didn’t do anything just.. askes a question.”

Finishing the leg he put the screwdriver down and seemed to stare forward, almost like he was staring through the wall. “What did he ask?” He asked in the same, emotionless voice he’d been using the whole time.

“He just wanted to know why he wasn’t dead.” He told him, tightening his arms around Bucky’s waist.

“What did you tell him?”

Steve thought this was such a strange conversation, talking about the Winter Soldier as if he was a separate person and not just another part of Bucky’s mind. But he understood that maybe that was how Bucky had to see him right now. It may have been the only way he could cope with it at this point. This divide he apparently still had in his mind.

“I told him that I love him.” He admitted, speaking right into Bucky’s ear. “That’s why  I wouldn’t do that.”

Bucky seemed to tense a little in his arms again. “You do?” He asked, his voice starting to show some emotion now. “Why?”

“Like I told you before Buck, he’s part of you.” He answered, softly kissing him under his ear. “And I love every part of you, even the parts you’re afraid of.”

He could feel a little shudder go through Bucky’s body, as if whatever emotion he was trying to hold in he couldn’t any longer. He turned around and buried his face in Steve’s neck, his arms wrapping around him. Steve put his hand on the back of his head and buried his fingers in his hair as they sat there on the floor.

“I just I..” Bucky seemed to try to say, his voice a little choked. “I feel all fucked up.”

“I know.” He said into his hair. “I’m gonna call Amelia okay? I think you need to talk to her.”

“I already have an appointment this week.” Bucky told him, resting his chin on Steve’s shoulder.

“You need to see her today.” He told him adamantly, pulling pack and taking his face in his hands. “It can’t wait.”

Bucky nodded against his shoulder, not fighting him for once on this. He was a mess right now and needed some professional intervention. And he knew it too. Steve had no doubt the stress of the medical issues along with that letter had just threw him for a massive loop lately and all he wanted to do at this point was get him back even again. So an impromptu trip to his therapist was not a bad idea.

When he lifted his head, Steve saw his eyes and didn’t like what he saw. The bleary, unfocused look that came with a severe headache It had lasted way too damn long now, and they were still waiting on the results. He put his hand on his forehead and while it was a little warm, there was no real fever, which was good, but he could feel the vein pulsing and saw the way Bucky winced a little at the touch.

“It still hurts?” He asked, even though it wasn’t really a question. It was pretty obvious it did.

“It hasn’t stopped.” Bucky replied, looking a bit listless. “Stuff just dulls it..” He put his own hand to his head, pressing his palm against a spot on the right side. “Maybe I’m just.. being punished or something.”

“Is that what you think?” Steve asked incredulously, his hands on his face. “You don’t deserve to be in pain okay?”

Steve searched his eyes and could that doubt in them. He was in a bad state right now and might believe it. He was pretty he believed it most of the time actually.  Recalling the days when he seemed happy and enjoyed himself. Days like that looked like he was starting to think he was worth and then he’d have these days and they were hared to watch. He knew recovery was not linear process in any way but it was still painful to think he felt this way.

“I don’t know.. maybe.” Bucky replied, sitting back a little more as if trying gather himself up. “Forget I said it.. I just feel like shit that’s all.”

Steve was about to respond to that when he heard his phone ring on the bed-stand. He reluctantly got up and answered it, listening to the voice on the other end. He ended the call turned to Bucky, who was still sitting on the floor, the table he’d just fixed upside behind him, trying to keep his face neutral as not betray how he felt.

“Who was that?” Bucky asked, the bleary look still in his eyes.

“The doctor.” He told him, keeping his voice even as well. “They have the results.” He sighed, seeing the apprehension on Bucky’s face. “We have to go in.”

She hadn’t told him the results on the phone, but he knew if there was nothing she would’ve said so. They would not have to come in. So there was something. And it hit him at that moment just how worried he was himself about this. But the last thing he wanted to do was upset Bucky any more that was right now.

“I’m guessing it’s not good news then.” Bucky said, getting up off the floor.  “I’m not surprised.”

“We don’t know that Buck.” He told him, walking over and putting his hands on his face. “We don’t.”

Bucky seemed to keep his face neutral as well, pushing down whatever he felt. “I know I just..”

“It’s be alright.” He told him, pulling him back into his arms again. “Whatever it is we’ll deal with it.”

He felt Bucky nodded against his shoulder, his arms wrapping around him. Steve let himself feel the fear for a moment, burying his face in Bucky’s hair. In spite of what he’d tried to show Bucky he was scared for him right now. So he just wanted him in his arms for a moment until he knew for certain.

\--

Listening to the doctor while his head was still aching was an interesting, if not irritating experience for him. They had given him something strong to ease it while he was there, but it took a while to kick in. His body tended to fight medication a bit, a result of the serum, which made his dosages higher than for normal people. Which did suck when it came to pain management. And his version of the serum had caused him other problems as well.

He listened at Dr Clarksson had explained to him what the neurologist found in his scans as well. Tell him that his initial head injury that came from his fall from the train had pretty much set some of this in motion, but it was not the total cause of it. The fall had unsurprisingly caused a skull fracture and a massive brain contusion that would’ve killed most normal people. She stated that the healing ability the serum gave him, while saving his life worked in his favor but also against him in the sense of the massive effort it took his body to heal from it. That combined with subsequent concussions he’d received while in Hydra’s hands had not helped. The electroshocks, constant freezing and unfreezing had slowed the brains ability to regenerate and caused damage that was irreversible.

Meaning if his head, had it been given time to heal, it would’ve. If it hadn’t been for them messing with it repeatedly over the course of decades.

This was not a surprise, seeing as how he’d lost track of the amount of times they’d done it.  The unfreeze, wipe and re-freeze had occurred for every mission and there had been a lot of those. Not even the serum could fix this for him.

She said the latent headaches had a lot to with the fact that this wasn’t happening anymore and it was allowing his brain to feel and try to fix the trauma finally, it was the overworked blood vessels in his head and the pressure inside his skull this caused that created the headaches.  Especially in that one particular spot on his head where they’d hit him with that shit the most.

“So what does this mean?” Steve asked, his hand on the back of Bucky’s chair.

“It means he’ll have chronic headaches for the rest of his life.” She told him. “But it’s manageable with the right medication.” She looked at Bucky, most likely noticing the grimace he got at that suggestion. “I know you don’t like it but, it’s the only way to manage it.”

He was already on medication for his anxiety and being on more just aggravated him to no end. He hated it. Hate all of it, feeling pissed at no particular person in general. At least not anyone in this room. It was a general frustration with the whole thing.

“Yeah.” He answered, with more of an edge in his voice than he intended. “This just sucks.”

“There are other factors here as well, which is the reason we need to manage it.” She told them. “It could potentially cause seizures If not taken care of. And any more blows to your head could be dangerous.”

The thought of this was a bit frightening for him, and he was pretty sure it was for Steve too. The idea that he could not only have seizures but that he could hit his head and potentially die was not great news. And there was something else as well. Something Bucky needed an answer to as well, in light of what had happened last night and this bizarre split in his mind.

“Is this.. causing that thing I have in my sleep?” He asked, biting his lip. “And the memory stuff.”

“We think it was the electro-shock that may have cause that schism in your head. Because it was directed at your memory it may damaged some of the pathways between them.” She explained, reading from the neurology report. “And the freezing accelerated that by not allowing your brain to recover by constantly pausing and resuming the process. But the fact that you remember as much as you do is a miracle in of itself. But you just might not be able to access certain things directly anymore unfortunately.”

It sort of explained the neurological part of it for him, but it didn’t explain what was happening to him in his sleep. Amelia had hinted at in therapy that the Soldier might be something he created himself to protect himself, and while Bucky had been confused by that, it had made some sense. What didn’t make sense was the Soldier was able to access those memories when he couldn’t. It puzzled him and scared him to even think about it.

The truth might have been, it was all a combination of physical, mental, and emotional trauma and his brains way of coping with it. It was almost too much to take in right now.  He felt himself getting a bit anxious as a result, causing a tremor in his hand and an increasing brightness in the room.

“The good news about all of this is, you can live a very productive life if all these things are managed properly.” She informed him. “It just requires a little work is all.”

Bucky thought about all this in the car on the way back, turning in his head as he looked out the window at the light rain pattering the ground as they sat in traffic. He did feel relieved to some degree that he wasn’t dying or anything, at least not right away. But it was still a mess in his head right now. This, on top of the letter and learning about the suicide protocol was overriding his senses and he knew Steve was right to call Amelia and have him come in today.

“You okay?” Steve asked him, looking over as they were stopped.

“I don’t know to be honest.” He replied, looking over at him and smiling a little. “At least I don’t’ have a tumor so I suppose it could be worse.”

“I guess that’s one way to look at it.”

“And besides I’m an old shit so being a ton of medication isn’t unusual.” He continued, trying to find some humor in a shitty situation. “I may have to get one of those pill sorters I guess.”

“It’s okay Buck.” Steve told him, taking his hand. “I get it.”

Bucky smiled, knowing that Steve knew what he doing, trying to brush off the feelings he had about all of it. The mental and psychological issues now joined by these neurological ones as well. That they had done so much damage to him on so many levels it was too much sometimes.

He pulled another cigarette out and cracked the window as he lit it. “I guess I’m just trying to find the upside these days.”  He said and took a drag. “Seeing as how I’m hot fucking mess and all.”

“Emphasis on hot.” He heard Steve say. “Just saying.”

Bucky raised his eyebrow. “Are you flirting with me Captain?” He asked teasingly, a little smile curving onto his lips. “Cause that could be trouble you know..”

“Is that so?” Steve asked as they pulled into the VA parking lot. “Because I kind of like trouble.”

He parked the car and Bucky barely waited until after he turned off before unbuckling the seatbelt and practically climbing on Steve, attacking his lips with his own. He always felt like this after a doctor’s appointment and this was no exception. The stress of the last 12 hours requiring a little catharsis. And making out with Steve in the car always seemed to provide some of that.

Bucky smiled into it, feeling Steve’s hand fist his hair, causing him to turn his head for more comfort. Being extra careful not to bump the car horn and alert everyone in the vicinity to their shenangians. Steve had smartly moved the seat back a bit more to prevent that, so they were not interrupted by it.

“Dammit punk.” Bucky whispered against his lips. “How do you always do this to me?”

“Do what?” Steve asked innocently before giving Bucky’s ass a playful squeeze with his free hand.

“Make me so goddamn horny like this.” He breathed, letting Steve’s lips trail over his neck. “It’s some kind of sorcery I’m telling ya.”

Their lips found each other’s again and just continued to make out like that, right in the parking lot. He wanted him so bad. What to just get in the back seat and let him fuck all his troubles away for now, but he knew he couldn’t. Knew he had to go inside and talk about this shit. That he needed to. His head was a wreck right now and no amount of fucking was going to help solve that, just delay it. But he wasn’t in a hurry to stop this either.

Finally their lips parted and he just buried his face in Steve’s neck, just wanting to be held for a little bit. Taking some deep shuddering breathes in his arms. Feeling the familiar feeling of Steve stroking his hair comfortingly. He closed his eyes and just let himself feel that comfort.

“I’m scared.” He admitted finally, nuzzling his face more against his shoulder.

“I know.” Steve whispered softly into his hair. “It’s gonna be okay Buck.. I promise.”

Bucky just nodded into his shoulder and stayed there a little longer. Allowing himself to be weak for a few minutes, knowing it perfectly okay. Perfectly safe here.

\--

Steve just dropped Bucky off for his impromptu session when he ran into Sam in the lobby. A happy coincidence. He almost bumped into him actually, not paying attention to where he was going.

“Hey there watch your going dumbass.” Sam’s jovial voice said as Steve looked up surprised.

“Shit.. sorry.” He shook his hand. “Fancy meeting you here.”

“Same here.” Sam answered and looked at him questioningly. “Everything alright?”

“He needed to see his therapist.” Steve told him, being honest. “Had a rough couple of days.”

Sam nodded as if understanding this. “Wanna get a cup of coffee?” He asked, nudging him. “We got a little time.”

“Sounds good.”

“And when we’re done we’ll pick that ornery bastard up and get him some lunch.”

Steve chuckled, amused at the affectionate way Sam said that, happy that he and Bucky had become such good friends. Considering the way they’d started out and all. This was a good thing.

He left the VA with Sam and went to nearby coffee shop and got a table while they waited for Bucky to get done. It was nice to chat, to catch up and all.

“So how are you doing?” Sam asked him pointedly.

“I’ve been better.” He admitted, drinking some of his coffee. “Got a lot on my plate.”

“I’ll bet.” Sam said, his arm slung over the back of the chair. “Wanna to talk about it?”

Steve took a heavy sigh and decided why not. It wasn’t exactly a secret. Sam knew Bucky was having the headaches and such so it felt fine to spill the rest to him. “He’s got some brain damage from what.. they did him and it’s problematic.” He told him, spinning the cup around. “It could be.. dangerous for him and that along with everything else well.. it’s taking a toll. “

“And now you’re thinking about the future aren’t you?” Sam asked. “And what you’re gonna do with it?”

Steve looked up in surprise as if Sam had read his mind. He was thinking very hard about it actually. He knew Bucky didn’t want him to give anything up for him, but the circumstances had changed, and the stakes had gotten a bit higher. That he wanted to spend as much time as he could with him right now .

“Yeah.” He told him honestly. “Thinking I might hang it up.”

“You want to retire.”  Sam said. It wasn’t really a question. “Understandable.”

“I Just.. I’m not sure I want it anymore.” He told him honestly. “I got too much to lose now.”

“What does he think about it?”

“I haven’t told him yet.” Steve answered, drinking more of his coffee. “Last time I broached he got pissed, telling me he didn’t want me to give up anything for him. I doubt that’s changed.”

“But you have.” Sam responded. “And to be honest, so has he. He might have different perspective now you never know.”

“I’m not sure about that but I’m probably gonna do it regardless.” He said firmly. “I don’[t want to have to worry about something happening when I’m away. I couldn’t deal with that.”

“So you’d give it up for him even if he doesn’t want you to.”

He would and he knew it. Bucky was the most important thing to him now. His health and happiness was the most important thing. The idea that something could go terribly wrong while he was away on a mission was crossing his mind a lot today, especially after what the doctor had said about seizures and head injuries. He needed to be around more. They’d spent way too much time apart as it was. There had been so much lost time. So much fighting to rectify that, he would be damned he wasn’t going to make the most of all the damn time he got now.

“I do anything for him.” He told Sam, letting the emotion creep into his voice. “He’s my whole world.”

“I know.” Sam replied with an understanding smile. “I remember the lengths you went to save him.” He downed the rest of his own coffee. “Anyone who doesn’t understand that can fuck off.”

Steve laughed, feeling at ease with his decision. Feeling support from one of his and Bucky’s closest friends, realizing it didn’t matter at all. Because the truth was all the accolades and notoriety mattered little if he lost Bucky.

So he enjoyed the rest of his coffee break with Sam while waiting for his sole reason for living to get done with his session.

\--

Bucky sat at the office, looking at the window at the steady rain. The fourth straight day of it. It certainly hadn’t helped lately. His metal fingers held the cigarette that he was currently smoking. She had allowed him to smoke in the office because during recovery you needed whatever you could to help and this did. At least for the moment.

“You know it’s not linear right?” Amelia asked as he sat there. “Things like this are going to happen.”

“I know I just..” He replied, looking down at his hand. “I felt like I was doing good and then its like I’m all fucked up again.” He took a drag from the cigarette. “It’s frustrating.”

“You got hit wit a lot things at once it’s bound to happen,.” She told him, in that soft voice of hers. “You can’t get discouraged by it. “

He reached into his pocket and took the letter out, having brought it along, knowing it was relevant and that he had to deal with this. He handed it to her just to show what it was. “I found this in the door the other day and I kept it.” He told her. “I didn’t know why at the time, and I didn’t tell Steve right away.. and when I finally did he.. asked me why.”

“And what did you tell him?”

“That it was the truth.” He admitted, flicking his cigarette in the ash-tray. “I definitely killed a lot of peoples son’s along the line.. maybe I was just reminding myself of that”

“You felt the need to punish yourself again?” She asked pointedly. “why?”

He searched himself for the proper answer, not the staid one he’d give Steve to reassure him but the true one, deep down inside. “Because I’ve been happy lately and I don’t deserve that after everything I’ve done.” He looked down at his cigarette again, seeing a tremble in his right hand this time. “I got to have a birthday and spend it with someone I love. I get to have a life and it.. it dosen’t seem fair that I get to when I.. took so many away.”

“So you think you should be punished?” She asked him pointedly. “What do you think would be fair?”

“I don’t know.” He admitted, pressing a hand to his head. “Maybe I already am being punished you know? I mean.. they just told me head was all messed up, permenently.” He sighed and finished his cigarette. “Not to mention the fact that I have 2 fucking people living in it.”

“You’re talking about the Winter Soldier?” She asked, leaning forward in her chair. “Did you have another incident?”

“Yeah a couple.” He admitted. “Steve didn’t want to tell me about it first and I was pissed about that.” He took another drag from his cigarette. “Like he thought I couldn’t handle it or something.”

“And you’re mad at him about that?”

He didn’t want to admit, thing that she seemed to see it so clearly. Because the truth was, he was to a degree and maybe had been for a while. It had, at one point, almost resulted that idiot almost getting strangled and this time..

“No.. I mean yeah maybe I was. Or am.. I don’t’ know.” He admitted, tapping the cigarette with a shaking hand. “I mean he almost got killed once hiding this from me and this time..” He shook his head angrily. “I had a damn knife in my hand and I feel like it wasn’t the first damn time I’ve done that either.”

“Okay then.” She said calmly, putting the letter down on the table between them. “Let’s talk about that.”

He was emotionally drained by the time he was done but talking about it had helped. It amazed him how he could pull stuff out of him that he couldn’t even say to Steve, and he supposed that was the point. To provide a safe space to talk. He had been able to pull out details of the torture and abuse, things he simply couldn’t bring himself to tell Steve, over the course of the months he’d been doing it and talking about the split in his head and the fear this caused was no exception. Because other than Steve she was only other person that knew about the other, somewhat dangerous person living in his head.

It was brutal sometimes because a lot of it wasn’t pretty, but it helped.

He was beat when he got home after having lunch with Steve and Sam, and now laid down on the bed, writing in his journal. He had his slippers on, the ones he called his ‘anti-stress bunnies’, a name Steve couldn’t get enough of and just loved seeing on him. He was laying on his stomach, writing, his feet swinging in the air when he felt the flutter of kiss on the back of his neck, causing him to smile and close the notebook.

“How’s it going beautiful.” He heard Steve ask in his ear, his breath tickling his skin. “Feeling better?”

Bucky turned over on his back, looking up at him as he leaned over him. “A little.” He admitted, lifting his hands to rest on Steve’s waist. “My head doesn’t hurt anymore, there’s that.”

“Good.” Steve replied, running his lips softly over Bucky’s neck, nothing aggressive just soft. “That makes me happy.”

Bucky just closed his eyes, letting just relax into Steve’s touch, feeling his hands sliding over his waist and hips as his lips move over his neck. Trying to let the stress of the day roll off a little more. Hearing nothing but the ticking of the clock and the rain on the window. Accompanied by the occasional thunder rumble in the distance.

Steve lifted his head to look down at him, searching him a little. “Are you sure your okay?” He asked, lifting his hand brushing some hair away.

“Not really.” Bucky replied honestly, shifting a little under him. “I just don’t know what to make of all this.” He bit his lip, his fingers playing on Steve’s shirt. “It’s just all fucked up in my head you know?”

“Wanna talk about it?”

He thought about it, thinking he had a habit of not doing that sometimes. Holding back for days on end and that maybe that wasn’t quite healthy to do. Although some days he was damn tired of talking about it too. Just wanting to put it aside and be normal. But he also understood that normal wasn’t something he was ever going to be, and that more he talked about these things, the better it got. Remembering something Sam had told him. About not shutting out the people around him that were trying to help him.

“I have these memories.” He started, flicking his eyes to the right as he thought about it. “Some are just scattered and I can’t make sense of them, because they belong to him.. it’s like he’s got his own and its only when he’s close that I see them clearly.” He swallowed hard, not liking these thoughts. “And those things I see.. they scare the shit out of me.”

Steve leaned over him, stroking his hair comfortingly. “What are they of?”

“I see the things they did to me.. the surgeries, the torture.. the… rapes.” He said in a shaky voice, pushing the last word out, which was always difficult, but Amelia said he needed to do it. “I can feel the pain pulsing through me when they’d.. hurt me.” He closed his eyes painfully. “I see the people I killed.. I see their blood..” Opening them back up he looked in his eyes, trying to steady himself. “It’[s like they’re stored in him, like that’s where I put that shit.”

“That’s because he’s a part of you.” Steve told him, looking at him softly. “He took it so you didn’t have to.”

Amelia had said something similar. That maybe he helped create him in his own head to protect himself from the intense trauma of what had happened to him. The severe head trauma and subsequent torture may have opened the door and created the split, but his own mind may have done most of the work.  And they had just figured out how to draw that out. It was frightening thing to think about for him, that the schism in his mind was somewhat self-inflicted. A defense mechanism that in some ways he was still employing when under severe stress.

“I guess so but.” He started and then paused. “I don’t want his memories.”

“They’re your memories Buck.” Steve told him, still stroking his hair. “Maybe you’re just finally strong enough to deal with them now.”

“I don’t know maybe.” He said quietly, shaking his head. “Maybe I’m just fucking crazy that’s all.”

Steve turned his face back and smiled that winning smile that always seemed to make him melt a little. “Yeah you’re kind of bonkers but it looks good on you.”

Bucky actually felt himself smile at that in spite of himself. Feeling himself loosen up a bit. Steve wasn’t making light of the situation just trying to find a positive in it because, quite frankly, he knew Bucky needed some kind of levity in this right now. He was grateful his idiot always knew what to say at the right time.

“So you find me being completely fruit loops attractive huh?” He asked, feeling the stress start to fade. “Interesting.”

“Hell yeah I do.” Steve told him as he brushed his lips over Bucky’s neck. “That and those fucking slippers.”

Bucky actually flushed at that, loving it when he swore, those words coming out of him. “You know for a pretty boy you got a dirty mouth Rogers.” He replied, suddenly enjoying himself immensely.

Steve used that mouth to smother Bucky’s in a brain frying kiss that Bucky was more than happy to submit to at that moment. He didn’t want to talk anymore today. He’d shared some vulnerability and now, some fear and was ready to give himself over to his lover now. Thinking, when he could t still, that some of his most intimate moments had come from confession. From opening himself up and letting some of it out.

From trusting him with these fears and insecurities. Letting himself be vulnerable.

He sighed into the kiss, feeling himself slowly being undressed and gave himself to it. Wanting to end this crappy day on a very good note.

\--

Slow and steady tonight, that’s how it went.

Steve was up on his knees, with Bucky’s legs pulled around his waist, slowly pushing into him, letting him feel everything. Bucky’s back was on the bed, his body arching with every thrust, fingers flexing into the sheets. His eyes fluttered, his swollen lips parted, beautiful moans escaping him.  His gorgeous body flush and covered in sweat, muscles flexing, hair spread out on the pillow. A beautiful sight for Steve’s hungry eyes.

He was just breathtaking.

Bucky’s eyes seemed to flutter closed and Steve leaned over him, hearing a thick moan as he changed the angle. He slid his hand around Bucky’s face . “Keep… them.. open beautiful..” He cooed to him with gentle command. Emphasizing each with a  deep stroke. “I wanna.. see when you… cum..”

He heard a beautiful whimper as Bucky opened his eyes, that brilliant blue glaze with passion. He leaned over him using his hips to drive harder into him until he saw it wash over him. “Steve….I.. fuck..” Bucky moaned his eyes rolling as he came.

He made him cum a couple of times, not letting up until he was sure he got his fill,  before he allowed it for himself and then took those luscious lips in another smoldering kiss, Bucky’s leg still lazily hooked around his thigh, seemingly unwilling to let him go just yet.

Pulling his lips away he nuzzled Bucky’s neck, re-marking him . He ran his hands over his body, down his waist, over his hips and thighs, unable to get enough of touching him. He could feel Bucky’s hands resting on his back and thought he could never get enough of these soft moments.

He pulled himself up and looked down at him, brushing some damp hair away from his face. “So how you feeling now sweetheart.” He asked, letting his fingers trail over his thigh again. “Any better?”

“Well…” Bucky replied, considering the question with a saucy look in his eyes. “I can’t feel anything below my waist.. “ He lifted his head and nipped playfully at Steve’s neck. “but I’m mot complaining.”

Steve grinned down at him, giving his body a little dry hump just to see those beautiful lashes flutter over those blue eyes. “We aim to please..” He teased, trailing his lips over Bucky’s jaw.

“You’re such an incorrigible punk.” Bucky breathed, twisting his leg a little tighter around Steve’s. “If people only knew..”

“Only for you jerk.” He replied before smothering his lips again. “Just you.”

He snaked his fingers into Bucky’s mussed up hair pulling him closer as if that was possible. Bucky seemed to almost purr like a cat as they continued to kiss languidly, in no hurry to separate. Steve loved these moments, the soft, intimate ones that only they shared. As far as he was concerned, he could lay like this forever.

Finally they separated and lay slightly to the side, trailing his fingers over Bucky’s face as if studying him. He seemed to be in his own head, looking up at the ceiling, a slightly troubled look on his face. It had been a rough day. A rough couple of days and the news about his health certainly hadn’t helped. It had gotten Steve thinking a bit too and he reflected to his earlier conversation with Sam. Thinking he knew what he was going to do but wasn’t sure how Bucky would feel about it. Debating on whether he should bring it up to him yet or wait a few days. Give him time to resettle himself after all this.

“Are you okay?” He asked him finally, electing to focus on this for a while. “For real this time.”

Bucky seemed to sigh and turned his head to look up at Steve. “I don’t know.”  He answered, resting a hand on Steve’s arm as he leaned over him. “I have brain damage, PTSd and apparently another person living in my head.. not sure how I’m supposed to feel about it.”

“You entitled to feel whatever way you want about it Buck.” He told him, brushing his hair with his fingers.” There’s no wrong way.”

“I feel completely bonkers.” Bucky responded with a bit of a chuckle. “I mean.. seriously.”

“Yeah you’re nuts.” Steve quipped, leaning down to kiss his nose playfully. “But I love you anyway.” Then gave him a soft kiss on the lisp. “I love everything about you. Always have.”

“Well then I think maybe you’re just as crazy as me Rogers.” Bucky replied, staring up at him doubtfully. “Kind of stupid too if you ask me.” He turned his head away for a moment. “Considering I could kill you in my sleep and all.”

“I’m not scared of you.” He told him again, brushing his hair with his fingers. “Or him.”

He was worried more about him than himself to be honest. The days of the Winter Soldier viewing Steve as a threat seemed to be over. He was more of a threat to Bucky, especially if Bucky kept being afraid of him. Which he seemed to be. Steve himself was not afraid of him, just for him. For both of them.

“You’re so dumb.” Bucky said, and Steve could swear he heard affection when he said it

“Maybe I am but.” He told him, turning Bucky’s face back to him with his hand. “You’re worth the risk.”

He didn’t give Bucky a chance to reply to this, smothered his lips with another kiss. Wanting to seal those words with it. To show him was worth all of this. That he meant everything to him, and no amount of physical or mental damage, no amount of danger could change that. He’d give up anything for him, his shield, his damn life if that’s what it took.

“I love you so much..” He whispered against his lips, pressing him back down into the bed again. “No matter what.”

\--

Bucky lay awake, his body partially laying on Steve’s, metal arm wrapped around him. He couldn’t sleep so he just let Steve do it. Hell he earned after pleasure he’d given him. He nuzzled his face against his chest, feeling impossibly lucky to have this. Love, peace and quiet. Not that his head was quiet mind you. There was way too much going on in there.

He remembered a time when he was suffering like this and had no one. And no hope of having anyone at all. In the first horrible months after he’d escaped. Remembering holing up wherever he could, clutching his head to calm the noise in it. Whimpering at the constant pain he was in physically, fighting with everything he ad to not go back to them. To give into the blue light and mindless oblivion that it brought. Anything to stop it. To make it all end.

Remembering not believing that even if he could fix himself, that anyone would want him back after what he found out he’d done. Not even Steve. Feeling unworthy of it. Just trying to slowly make whatever life he could somewhere, thinking Steve and everyone else was better off if he’d just vanished.

And then Steve showed up in his apartment and everything had changed. And he’d known after that there was one person who loved and believed in him. Even if to this day he didn’t feel he deserved it, here was, laying next to him in bed, back in Brooklyn. Feeling like he finally, at lest had a home again. Even if his was still broken in places, at least he wasn’t alone now.

He lifted his head and rested his chin on Steve’s chest, reaching his hand up to touch, as if to remind himself it wasn’t a torturous dream like he’d had in captivity. But a reality.

That Steve had still loved him after all these years. After all these decades he still looked at him the same way. That there were times when he almost forget he was broken and felt actual joy. He owed that Steve he knew. And a new support system steadily growing around him.

He was feeling the urge to fight this again. To try even harder to beat it. They said he could live with this, that he could survive, and Bucky knew he could even if, like today, he’d felt depressed and lost. Felt anxious and scared.

Because he also felt loved, and even though he felt a long way from deserving it, believing he needed to atone, it’s what kept him going.

So he leaned up a little and with his hand on Steve’s face he kissed him softly in his sleep. Feeling him shift and slide him arm over him without waking. “I love you punk.” He whispered as he kissed him. “Always.”

He felt Steve unconsciously wrap him up a little more in his arms and he snuggled against him, burying his fac in his neck and smiling as he fell asleep finally.

\--

He opened his eyes and looked over at the man laying next to him. Studying him like he often did at night when the other one was dormant. He’d become amazed by the fact that that he was trusted this much that this new handler would let himself fall asleep around him without restraints. That sometimes he didn’t even notice when he got up and moved about.

His previous handles had seen everything he’d done. Any step out of line would’ve been punished.

But this one didn’t do that. Not even after he’d had his hand around his neck that time. No punishment. No blue fire in his head. No pain. None of that… other stuff.

He had been kind and it had confused the Soldier.

Instead of painful blows his touch was soft. Sometimes he even put his arms around him.  And had kissed him once like he’d done with the other one. And it had felt strange, but he had liked it. Wanted to feel it again.

Truth was, the Soldier had just one day just come into being, was suddenly sentiment, with no past and no sense of anything but the present. And these strange images and words and feelings that had made no sense. He was only given orders, trained with weapons. Conditioned with pain and punishment. All he knew and wanted to do was please the masters, the handlers.  To follow orders.

Until this man had come alone and pulled the other to the front of his head. The one that had hidden inside. Who had occasionally spoken to him. The one the Soldier had always felt a strange urge to protect.  To hide. And did not understand why. The one that seemed to love and trust the man the Soldier simply saw as a new handler.

And he was the man the Soldier kept seeing in those strange visions in his head.  Of something. Of a life he did not remember clearly. But it was clear this handler was special. Different.

It was now only at night when he came out, while the other was resting. And he spent time observing. Sometimes the man woke up. Sometimes he didn’t. And tonight, he hadn’t. Not yet at least.

The Soldier sat up more and climbed over him, leaning over him on his hands and knees and continued to study him. He reached out his non-weaponized arm and touched his face tentatively. He felt no threat from him anymore. Just a strange mixture of fear and curiosity. He ran his fingers over the lips that had kissed him, thinking about how it felt.

Weapons and death were familiar to him, but this was something altogether new. He wanted more information. He was, after all, trained to absorb as much information as possible. To learn what this one wanted. Because he felt a new different kind of loyalty toward him now.  So he waited until he woke, silently keeping watch over him.

\--

Steve woke up to the feel of Bucky’s hand on his face and looked up, smiling lazily at him. It took him a minute to register the slight difference in the posture, and the hand was suddenly pulled away from him.

“It’s okay Soldier.” He told him carefully. “At ease.”

Steve watched the look in the Soldier’s eyes and felt no threat from him. What he felt more of was a strange curiosity. He was tense but not in a dangerous way, more like attention starved animal. Curios  and afraid at the same time. He reached out with one arm and put his hand lightly on the arm that been, for lack of a better word, stroking his face, and saw him do a slight flinch at this. Almost as if he expected some kind of punishment for doing this.

And it was strange and confusing just how much he was Bucky but wasn’t at the same time. Like an inverted image.

“I’m not gonna hurt you remember?” He told him, pulling him gently forward. “You’re safe.”

He just looked at him, his eyes the same as Bucky’s, because he was Bucky. That part of him that was terribly hurt and still mistrustful. He sat up a little more as the Soldier sat in front of him on his knees as if awaiting instructions. Wary but non-threatening.

“Mission?” He asked Steve, even though he wasn’t sure it was a question.

“No mission.” Steve answered back, lifting his hands to his face. “You’re free now Soldier.”

He saw a strange look in his eyes, as if confused by this and then curious as well. Like a kid that was discovering something new. Steve watched as he moved closer of his own volition. And he was struck once again by the nuanced differences between him and Bucky. Facial expressions, body movements. Even the voice was slightly different and sometimes Steve did not know what to make of this.  He had about heard things like this but to witness it regularly was astounding and slightly scary.  Because this was still Bucky.

“You don’t punish.” He said to Steve. “Why?”

“No.” Steve said softly to him. “Because you did nothing wrong.”

He leaned forward and put his hand back on his Steve’s face almost tenderly. “Like this.” He said his face very close to his. “Please?”

It was painful to hear him ask for something, almost as if he was afraid to. But Bucky had told him that he wasn’t’ supposed to ask questions, only take orders. So to see the slight pinch in his face when he did it told Steve all he needed to know about how Bucky had been treated when he dared ask a question.  

And had taken him a minute to realize what he was asking for. And suddenly he knew.

He wanted to kiss him again.  Like the morning before. So he did.

It was soft and very gentle and he felt the Soldier tense at first before relaxing. And Steve made a note to remind himself that this wasn’t Bucky, not fully him at least and not get carried away with it. To be careful here. So he just held his face and let their slightly parted lips press together gently for a good minute, and like the kiss that morning, it felt almost innocent. Strangely pure like the first kiss he’d shared with Bucky so long ago.

When their lips finally parted, he laid his head against his, his hands still on his face. The Solider made no effort to move just sat there himself as if it had scrambled his circuits a bit. And perhaps it had.

“I meant what I said.” He told him quietly as they sat there. “I love you.”

He did. He loved them both, both halves of him. Because together they made the whole of him. They may have been broken apart by severe trauma but someday they would be rejoined and then he would be whole, but until then he had more than enough love for both. Because it was, and would always be, well worth it to him.

“Come on.” He told him, still holding his face. “Let’s go back to bed okay.”

He laid down, pulling him along with him until he was resting his head on Steve’s chest again. His eyes were still wide open, almost watchful and Steve brushed his hair softly letting him relax again. To feel safe enough to sleep.

“Close your eyes Soldier.” He whispered to him. “Sleep.”

Almost as if he was being ordered, the Soldier did just that and seemed to go to sleep. His metal arm wrapped around Steve’s waist. Smiling he kissed his head and tightened his arm around him too. It had been a long tiring day and he was tired himself but tonight he felt like they both might sleep through the night. So he closed his own eyes, letting himself start to drift off finally.

There may have  a lot to deal with, but it could wait for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There was a lot of interesting psychology here as well a look at some Bucky's neurological issues. I firmly believe that the amount of abuse inflicted his on his head would take a toll physically and mentally. And it's not an unheard of thing for a traumatic brain injury, couple with other severe trauma to cause a so-called 'fracture' like this in someone's head. I think the idea of this as well is the fact that Bucky needs to reconcile both halves of his personality in order to truly be able to heal. 
> 
> Steve's approach to WS is what it's always been, because he's part of Bucky of course he would love him too, and I liked the idea of seeing of this from WS's POV to show how he was programmed and he perceives the world, the other half of his brain and Steve's and gives me good fodder for the part of the fic going forward. 
> 
> But anyways I hope the psychology is interesting enough :)
> 
> I think the next one will follow up on this theme a bit, as well as Steve's comtemplating of retirement, and maybe feature some respite but who knows, this story seems to write itself lately I have no control over it.
> 
> Once again thank for the wonderful comments and am glad to be back <3


	19. Under the Sun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a fun little break hope you'll enjoy :)

He was shaking, his breathing ragged, eyes wide as he sat up in the bed trying to shake off the remnants of a horrifying nightmare. Steve’s arms were around him from behind, his lips next to his ear, whispering comforting words that Bucky could miraculously hear even through the roaring in his head.

This was a bad one. One of the worst he’d had in a long time and he couldn’t stop shaking.

Of being tied down while they cut his arm off, feeling the saw work through the bone, where he was screaming through his gagged mouth. To the surgeries, several of them, with minimal anesthetic. People liked to say you couldn’t remember pain, but he could. It was one of the few things he did remember clearly. That kind of pain you did not forget. The kind that drove you mad.  

He could feel it on his left side, the ghostly pain of his long arm. They said that happened sometimes with a missing limb, you still felt presence even after it was long gone. It was a sensation that was hard to describe to someone who’d never lost a part of their body like that.

He had swung out against his tormenters, when he’d gotten that arm free, one in particular and had, in dream fueled fear, nearly taken Steve’s head off again. Fortunately, he had quick reflexes. But that didn’t ever make Bucky feel any better about it, despite Steve’s reassurances.

“Its okay Buck.” Steve whispered in his ear. “You’re okay.”

“No it’s not.” He replied, trying to get himself under control. “I could’ve hurt you.”

“You didn’t.”

“But I could..” He said, swallowing hard. “Like the last time.”

Steve nuzzled his neck softly. “Don’t go there okay?” He told him, holding him a little tighter. “it’s not like that.”

“Oh yeah that’s right.” He answered with a scoff. “That was the other person living in fucking head.”

He still remembered waking up with his hand around Steve’s neck, and the marks those metal fingers had left.  The thought of doing that again terrified him. Steve kept insisting that he felt no threat from the Winter Soldier, but Bucky himself wasn’t sure. Truth was, he was scared of him.  Scared of his own mind and his inability to trust it. He didn’t know how Steve could. He was confused to be honest about Steve’s attitude in general toward the Soldier, and had a feeling there were elements of it Steve wasn’t telling him about.  Because Steve was awake during these things, Bucky himself wasn’t and it was frightening.

And it didn’t help that he sometimes lashed out in his dreams too. It made him feel crazy and dangerous.

“It’s not gonna happen again Buck.” Steve told him as he continued to hold him. “It’s not..”

“You don’t know that.”

“I do know that.” Was Steve’s reply. “He won’t hurt me anymore.”

He was still confused about how Steve could possibly know that, causing his brow to crease in thought. He had finally calmed enough to let himself relax in Steve’s arms, closing his eyes and taking deep calming breaths, the panic attack slowing to a mild tremble now.

“This is fucking nuts you know?” He said, turning his head slightly to look at Steve. “You and him talk at night and its like I’m not even there but… it’s still me.” He shook his head. “Tell me that’s not batshit crazy because it sure seems like it.”

“You’re not crazy Buck.”

He chuckled, but with no really humor. “What the fuck am I then?”

“Just messed up.” Steve replied. “That’s all.”

Bucky shook his head at that and turned around in his arms, climbing int o his lap. He put his hands on Steve’s face and looked down at him. “You’re such a fucking idiot you know that?” He told him, pressing his forehead into Steve’s. “I could kill you in my sleep and you don’t seem to care.”

“You’re right.” Steve seemed to agree, his hands on Bucky’s waist. “I don’t.” He lifted his lips to Bucky’s. “Because I love you.”

Those words, the way they were spoken, with such beautiful sincerity, just about undid him. He pulled Steve’s lips to his and kissed him fiercely, forgetting for a moment his doubts about his sanity and needing to be close.  He felt Steve’s arm wrap around him and turn him before laying him back down on the bed. Bucky smiled the kiss at the feel of back pressed into the mattress and just let himself be kissed fiercely in return.

“I love you too you dumb punk.” He murmured affectionately against his lips, his hands fisting Steve’s shirt.

Steve pulled his lips away and looked down at him, that stupid grin on his face. “You’re such a jerk.” He told him, his fingers brushing Bucky’s hair softly. “But a beautiful jerk.”

“Don’t forget crazy too.” Bucky added, wrapping his leg around Steve’s. “Seeing as how you seem to like that and all.”

“It doesn’t matter if you are or not.” Steve answered, skating his lips over Bucky’s neck teasingly. “You’re still beautiful.”

He moaned softly at the combination of those words and the feel of Steve’s hands through his bedclothes. He knew Steve had a strange fondness for his borderline instability. He didn’t understand it but was strangely okay with that. It was like Steve didn’t see the danger in his insanity sometimes and there was a strange comfort in that. That he accepted it in a way that others hadn’t, including Bucky himself.

That he loved both halves of him.

He could strangely feel the Soldier inside him in these moments, craving the touch too, the love. It was like reading someone’s else’s mind. Seeing their thoughts. It was a strange duality that happening more and more often these days. It was scary to feel this and he wanted to push him down but for some reason didn’t. Just soft of let it happen.

“How about we go out later.” Steve suggested as he pulled Bucky’s shirt over his head. “It’s a nice day for once.”

Bucky was pulled out of his head by this, and didn’t register it for a moment. “Umm okay.” He breathed as he let Steve undress him. “Sounds good.”

“Good.” Said Steve, letting his body settle between Bucky’s legs, his hands sliding over his now naked thighs. “It’s good to get fresh air and all.” He nuzzled his neck. “And a little sun.”

“Yeah..” Bucky moaned, starting to lose himself in it. “ I suppose it.. is..”

“I got something I need to.. talk to you about.” He whispered in his ear. “It’s kind of important.”

“Oh yeah?” Bucky breathed, his eyes fluttering as he felt Steve’s hands sliding over his hips and pulling him against his own. “What’s that?”

Steve bit down gently on his neck as if in answer, causing Bucky to moan thickly. “Later.” He murmured against his skin. “Promise.”

Bucky nodded in complete aquiessence, feeling curious but too pre-occupied with the current situation to pursue it further. Steve’s hands found Bucky’s as he smothered his lips again, their fingers entwining as he pressed them gently into the mattress. As this happened, he could feel the presence of the other in his head as well, that strange sensation of duality for a moment. And it was frightening enough that he froze for just a moment in fear.

“What is it?” Steve asked, concerned, lifting his head to look in his eyes. “Are you okay?”

He recovered himself quickly, not wanting to worry Steve. “It’s fine.” He told him, feeling a little bad for lying but he didn’t know what else to do. “Just a little left over from the.. nightmare that’s all.”

Steve seemed to study him for a moment, their fingers still entwined together as he looked down at him. “Are you sure that’s all it is?”

“Yeah I am.” He replied, keeping and even tone. “I’m okay I swear.”

“Whatever it is you can tell me okay?” He told him with a soft look. “When your ready.”

Once again, the tone was almost too much for him. “I know.” He whispered back, desperately needing to change the tone before he said too much.  He tightened his leg around Steve’s thigh. “Now come one Captain I ain’t got all day you know?”

He saw Steve give him a sharp look which slowly turned into a grin. “So impatient sweetheart.” He growled, pushing Bucky’s thighs further apart with his own. “Maybe I should make you wait a little longer.”

“Dammit punk.” Bucky hissed in response, gripping Steve’s hands which still managed to hold his on the mattress. “I got no fucking patience at all when it comes to you.”

He didn’t and Steve knew it. He continued to teasingly press into him, so much so that Bucky could feel him right there and it was literally driving him a different kind of crazy. Mad with desire. And his grip slipped on the reins of the Soldier, and he could feel him right there. Wondering if Steve could see it in his eyes and not particularly caring at the moment. He was all keyed up now. Ready to go.

And instead of scaring him like it would normally, it felt somewhat freeing to let it loose inside. To give in to that particular madness once and a while. He wondered if that was way Steve did this sometimes. Saw how tightly he was holding on and wanted him to let go a little more.

Maybe he wanted to see the Soldier. It was occurring to Bucky this was possible.

A thought that was both exciting and a little scary at the same time.

“Just look at you..” Steve said in a low, husky as he pressed Bucky’s hands more into the mattress. “If only you could see just how beautiful.. “ He pushed against him teasingly again. “just how…fucking hot look right now…my God..”

Bucky felt himself whine a little in frustration. “Please.” He asked, hearing the need in his voice and not caring at all. He’d lost all composure as he usually did.

Damn punk did it to him every fucking time. He was so damn good at it.

Steve just grinned at him and used his powerful thighs and back to push into him, and Bucky had a moment to consider just how impressively strong he was yet again, to be able to do that with just his legs, before he was filled up so beautifully and lost all coherent thought. Because Steve’s strength was not the only impressive thing about him. Bucky never got over the wonder of that either. Its why he gave in every damn time because, holy shit he was big. It just blew hi damn mind every damn time.

He was happily addicted to this feeling,  couldn’t get enough of it.

“See?” Steve purred in his ear as he held still inside him for a moment. “That’s all you had to say sweetheart…”

Bucky whined deep in his throat, unable to find a response to that. His lips were taken in a deep kiss and the rest of his thoughts went away. As Steve began to move against his body, he forgot about the other presence in his head, about his nightmare, about everything.

\--

Steve smiled as he roused Bucky from the stupor he was in at the moment. He looked deliciously adorable that moment, his hair all messed up, that fucked out look in his eyes. Steve loved him like that. Loved that he was responsible for putting him that state in the first place. It gave him a pleasing sense of accomplishment to make him feel this good. He deserved to feel good.

“You ravish me like that and then expect me to function?” Bucky asked, his voice still a bit moany as Steve pulled him up to a sitting position on the bed. “I’m only human Rogers..”

Steve smiled at that and brushed some of his hair away from his face. “You actually look a bit drunk.” He mused, leaving his hand on the side of his face. “It’s kinda cute actually.”

“I am drunk.” Bucky said with a grin leaning forward. “On you punk.”

He leaned in to kiss him again, unable to resist. “Now whose being corny jerk?”

Bucky just smiled stupidly as Steve kissed him again and it took a tremendous amount of effort not to just lay him back in the bed again and just do it all over again. Remembering the way it always felt to be deep in him, to feel his body surrender and see the fire in his eyes as his passion overtook him. That feral look that didn’t completely belong to him. He had to calm himself before he got drunk on it again. Because there was another part of him that remembered that slightly scared look that he’d had seen at the beginning as well. 

He would ask him about that later though. Wanting to keep him in this good mood right now. Because frankly he’d had a rough time lately and deserved a break.

When they finally peeled themselves away from each other, with effort it was a pleasant experience to watch him get dressed as well. Pulling on a pair of jeans and long-sleeved shirt, which Steve noted. Because it wasn’t exactly cold out today.

“You should wear a t-shirt.” He suggested. “It’s pretty warm out today.”

Bucky looked at him for a moment and he thought he saw something in his eyes for a moment akin to a bit of fear before he seemed to neutralize his expression.

“Nah I’ll be fine.” Bucky replied and looked down at his arm, the metal hand sticking out from under the shirtsleeve. “Besides this tends to draw attention and you know..”

Steve kind of studied him for a minute. He didn’t sense shame as much as a desire to keep a low profile. He seemed to be happy living a somewhat quiet life. Doing work at the VA and living under the radar and Steve supposed that was understandable. Considering what a circus it had initially been for him once he’d come out of hiding. He didn’t want the questions anymore, didn’t want any notoriety. Just wanted to be left alone. And that arm did draw attention he knew. But Steve hoped someday he’d let it show more because it wasn’t something he should feel the need to hide. It was symbolic of his survival. Something to show pride in.

But he was clearly not ready just yet. Still had too much recovery to do right now. So he didn’t push it.

“I get it.” He told him, standing up and taking his metal fingers in his own. “It is quite beautiful though.” He told him, smiling softly. “Just like you.”

Bucky didn’t look particularly convinced of this fact squeezing his hand. “If you say so.” He sighed and then seemed to let himself smile. “So where we going?”

“I was thinking Rockaway.” He told him, liking the surprised look on Bucky’s face. “The stands are already open seeing as how it’s April and all.”

His smiled turned into a full-on grin that Steve loved.  “Seriously?” He asked, the excitement in his voice as well.

“Seriously.” Steve replied, sliding his arm around Bucky’s waist. “And we don’t have to ride in a freezer truck this time.”

Bucky put his hands on Steve’s face. “Fuckin Rockaway.” He said with wonder, pulling Steve’s lip to his. “Damn I love you punk.”

“Love you too jerk..” He whispered against him lips, pulling him to him and not skimping on the kiss at all.

He didn’t tell him it wasn’t just Rockaway they were going to. They had another stop after. He had planned another spoil day for Bucky, and he knew he’d enjoy this one as well. He’d felt the need to do this every so often, give him new, good memories to counteract the old bad ones.

But right now he had to stop kissing him or they’d never leave. So he pulled away reluctantly and was amused to see that scrambled look Bucky always seemed to get on his face after a really good kiss, and knew he’d once again done a good job of it.

“Okay lets go gorgeous.” He told him, taking his hand to pull him along. “We only have so much daylight.”

\--

They were packing the car with a variety of stuff, including a blanket, food and water and even a frisbee to toss around. Bucky was amused to see the last thing was a special Captain America edition as he put in the secure pocket of the back seat. And he noticed something else too. A wrapped package that Steve had put there as well. He looked at it curiously, trying to decipher what it was and unable to.

“What’s that?” He asked as Steve closed the back door of the truck.

“What’s what?”

“That.” He pointed at the package through the window. “That package.”

Steve grinned at him knowingly. “That’s something for later.” He told him as he fished for his keys. “For after the beach.”

“Can you at least give me a hint punk?”

“Okay I suppose.” Steve said as they got in the car. “It’s something you wear.”

“Aww honey you got me some lingerie?” He teased, turning his head cutely as he leaned back against the car seat. “I hope it’s something sexy and red.”

Steve laughed at that and gave him a half annoyed, half lustful look that made Bucky want to climb onto him again, but he restrained himself. They were after all, in public now. He just settled for a teasing bite of his lip.

“It’s actually for where we’re going after the beach.” Steve told him, starting the car.  “And it’s not red but blue.” He then smiled saucily at Bucky. “But I will keep your suggestion in mind for another time.”

Bucky raised his eyebrows at that one, thinking Steve had come along quite nicely in many ways. But he was curious about what he’d gotten him. He was turning it over in his mind about where they could be going after the beach. He cranked the window, thought about lighting up a cigarette and decided he didn’t need it today. Was trying to quit anyways.

And it was a beautiful day for once, and he should be taking the fresh air into his lungs instead.

“You spoil me way too much you know that?” He mused as they drove off. “I might turn into a brat if you keep this up.”

“You are a brat.” Steve replied without a missing a beat. “But a cute one.”  He smiled over at him picked up his hand, kissing the metal fingers. “And you deserve it.”

Bucky just laid his head on the headrest and looked at him adoringly, not even trying to hide it. Because he did just adore him. His life had been lived in darkness for so long, that even on bright days it had clouded him, but Steve was like a ray of sunshine. It sounded cheesy and sappy, like something out of one of the stupid romantic movies but it was the truth. He felt it even when in his darkest moods lately, the light that he kept following to find his way out of it belonged to Steve Rogers and he just couldn’t help loving this much because of it.

“What?” Steve asked, seeing him looking at him like that. “You okay?”

“Yeah.” He answered, smiling at him genuinely. “I am right now.”

It hadn’t taken too long, the traffic had been lighter today on account of it being the weekend, and soon they were in Queens, which, like Brooklyn had changed somewhat but had some familiar sights. Including the old fairgrounds. He could see, from a distance, the sphere from the World’s Fair where the Expo had been all those years ago. A lifetime ago. Conjuring a memory of going there with Steve on his last night home. Seeing Howard Stark there and his flying car. The smile at that memory saddened a bit because it conjured up another one, a painful one, and he turned his mind from that, not wanting to ruin his mood.

He had enough bad days, he wanted today to be a good one.

It took them only a little longer and pretty soon they were there at the beach in Rockaway. The stands were already open. There were still carnival style games and other attractions that were familiar to Bucky, remembering he and Steve had taken the train here a few times. Between there and Coney Island they’d made a lot of memories as kids and it, like the other place, hadn’t changed much.

And he could smell the ocean again. Just like at Coney. It managed to wipe away lingering feelings about the that other old memory. And he could not get out of the car fast enough to breath that air.

“Maybe I should try to win you a stuffed bear this time?” He told Steve. “Betcha I could spend less money doing it too.”

“I don’t need a stuffed bear.” Steve teased as they took the stuff out of the trunk. “I already got a life sized one to cuddle with.”

“Dammit punk.” Bucky replied, rolling his eyes as he pulled his hair back into a ponytail. “I told you to stop saying shit like that in public.”

“Can’t help it.” Steve said with a grin as he slung the bag over his shoulder. “I just love my grumpy bear that’s all.”

Bucky side-eyed him as they walked to the beach. “I swear to God Rogers.”

He always acted annoyed, but he secretly loved it. And he knew Steve knew that, it’s why he kept saying it. He was still weird about public displays of affection, whether they were verbal or physical. He was getting better at it, but he still felt this bizarre urge to tone it down sometimes. Which was why he was glad that Steve kept doing it just the same. Not forcing it, just being easy and relaxed about it.

They settled on a spot on the beach and had some lunch, chatting a little about this and that, and in the middle of that conversation Steve pulled his shirt off and laid back on the blanket. Per usual the sight of him without his shirt on distracted the hell out of Bucky, causing him lose his train of thought. Because seriously, those chiseled abs and glorious chest were a sight behold.

“Are you trying to kill me Rogers?” Bucky asked, sucking in his breath and leaning toward him. “Jesus Christ.”

“Maybe” Steve replied mischievously, wrapping his hand around the back of Bucky’s head as he leaned over him. “Come here beautiful.”

It was hard to resist that and Bucky just Steve pull his lips to his, kissing him right thereon the beach. There wasn’t a ton of people around, but it still sometimes made him nervous, but he fought it. He felt Steve’s fingers fisting his hair a little and gave in completely to it for the moment. Tasting his lips while simultaneously smelling the ocean and hearing the waves behind him. It was quite the beautiful sensation.

After a moment he pulled away and just stared down into his eyes, feeling flushed and even a little stupid at the moment. “I hate how stupid you make me sometimes punk.” He sighed. “I really do.”

“I know.” Steve said softly, getting up on an elbow, the hand that was in his hair on his face now. “Now what do I gotta to get you to take that shirt off gorgeous?”

“Us being inside.”

Steve shook his head. “Seriously, it’s warm out Buck.”

It was pretty warm out Bucky had to admit. He did have on a long sleeve shirt and all. But even though the beach wasn’t crowded he still had that reluctance to draw attention to himself by exposing that arm to the public, in the sunlight.

“I might blind people.” He quipped, his eyes scanning the beach. “Not just with the arm but how white I am.”

“All the more reason to get some sun on you.”

“I know but.” He hedged, looking at the water for a moment.

“It’s alright Buck.” Steve told him, the hand on his face sliding into his hair again. “No one is going to care trust me.” He smiled softly at him. “And if they do that’s their problem not yours.”

He nodded and decided that maybe he should try, at least before summer and it became a necessity. Sitting back a little on his ankles he took a deep breath and reached down, pulling the shirt over his head and tossing next to Steve’s on the blanket. The sun felt warm on his nearly exposed skin, and he could see it reflecting off the dark metal in an interesting pattern, lighting up the gold in it. It felt scary but strangely liberating tot do this and he watched as Steve sat up and looked him in awe.

“You’re even more beautiful in the sunlight you now that?” Steve said with that awe in his voice, trailing his fingers over the metal. “Stunning.”

“Please.” Bucky scoffed, shaking his head. “I’m not that-“

He didn’t get to finish as he was kissed again, his ponytail bunched in Steve’s hand. Bucky could feel Steve’s other hand on his now bare back as he pulled him closer and just gave in again, wrapping his arms around his neck and turning his head, letting their tongues play together.

And he decided at that moment he didn’t give a shit who saw it. Or who saw his arm for that matter.

Finally pulling away he leaned his forehead against Steve’s, taking a deep breath. Relishing that moment. “Thanks punk.” He whispered to him, feeling that strong hand and gentle fingers caressing his back.

“For what?”

He smiled serenely. “For just being you.”

“Your welcome jerk.”

They kissed again for a third time and it was even more effortless than the last. And Bucky decided he was going to leave that damn shirt off for a bit. It was, after all a pretty warm day and he had nothing to hide.

\--

They were tossing the frisbee around, having a damn good time challenging each other with their throws. Both of them were strong and had quick reflexes and it seemed to impress a few people watching them, as they did skilled moves that for once weren’t about fighting but just about fun and enjoying themselves.

Buck was a sight to behold for Steve too, not that he wasn’t normally but watching him sort of relax his outdoor posture was lovely. With his shirt off and hair tied back he looked like anyone else on the beach, with the exception of the arm, but that just added to the sight of him. He had a beautiful body and to see it exposed and getting color, to watch those muscles move and flex in the sunlight. To see his dog tags bouncing against his chest whenever he moved, those and the arm reflecting the light, was just breathtaking. And it almost caused him to take a frisbee right off the head.

“You might want to pay attention punk.” Bucky shouted with mirth. “Next one might be embedded in that pretty blond head of yours.”

“Oh yeah?” He responded, picking it up and tossing it high to Buck. “That so?”

He and several others watched as Bucky leaped and deftly caught it with his metal arm. Steve had a briefly memory of how easy he’d caught his shield the first time he’d seen him Winter Soldier form. The way the fingers just clamped on the rim with no effort at all. But this was a very different Bucky. With a very different look in his eyes now. Happy instead of showing that slightly haunted look he’d seen that time.

Same beautiful blue eyes though. That was for damn sure.

“Sure is.” Bucky answered again and gave an expert side-arm toss that Steve caught backhand. “I mean I know it doesn’t hurt much but…” He seemed to eye Steve up and down. “Be a shame to wreck that face.”

“Jerk.” He retorted and tossed it back.

He saw Bucky smile and catch the frisbee in a glorious back hand of his own, causing him to spin almost like a dancer in the sand. Steve had time to appreciate the back-side view as well there before the frisbee came hurdling back toward him again and he just reached his hand up without looking at it and caught it, smiling at him.

“Show off.” Bucky said, walking over to him.

He wrapped an arm around Bucky’s waist as he got close. “Look whose talking Mr. Acrobat.”

Bucky smiled at him, the sunlight reflecting in his gorgeous blue eyes, and lighting up the highlights in his brown hair. He felt the water, which was cold, because it was still spring, lapping around both their ankles and thought this was turning out to be a damn good day. Sure, some people looked at Bucky strangely, looked at them both strangely, but most just treated them like anyone else on the beach. And Bucky didn’t really seem to care much about the former for once and that made Steve very happy.

“It’s getting late.” He told him after a moment, basing it on the sun’s position in the sky. “We need to get going soon.”

Bucky wrapped his arms around Steve’s neck again, brushing his lips over Steve’s. “Right now?” he asked. “Are you sure.”

“Well not right now.” Steve told him, pulling him a little closer. “But soon. “ He smiled teasingly. “We have plans later.”

“Okay.” Bucky sighed, smiling himself. “But first…”

Another kiss. Another public one. Not even close to chaste. Steve dug his fingers back into Bucky’s wind-blown hair, lightened by sun and salty air. He held the frisbee in his other hand, with was around Bucky’s back, Bucky’s arms thrown around his neck, the waves occasionally rolling over their ankles. It was perfect. And he knew it was only going to get better.

“Are you happy?” He asked Bucky as he pulled his lips slightly away.

Steve saw him smile brightly at him. “I am.”

“Good.” He whispered in return, nuzzling his nose against Bucky’s. “Am I’m not done yet.”

Eventually they packed up their stuff, and Bucky wanted to take a few shots at the games there, forking over some cash to knock down the bottles. He got all 5 of them unsurprisingly this time and actually did win a button-eyed bear which he promptly gave to Steve with a grin on his face. Steve laughed holding it up.

“Aww he looks just like you.” He quipped, causing Bucky to give him a playful shove. “Even got a cute little butt and everything.”

“Are you kidding?” Bucky said, trying to look annoyed as they walked. “My ass is way better than that fucking bear’s.”

Steve smirked and gave Bucky a pat on said ass. “I do agree with that.” He told him, seeing a flash of sauciness in Bucky’s eyes at that. “But otherwise you guys are like twins.”

“You’re so cheesy.” Bucky teased as they walked. “It looks nothing like me.”

 “Yes he does, I mean look at that grumpy face.” Steve continued to tease. “I’m gonna get him a shirt with your name on it and everything.”

Bucky rolled his eyes, but Steve could see underneath that annoyed look was a happy contentment. Considering his state of mind the last few weeks this was a gorgeous thing to see. His mind was giving him another nice lull today. Letting him enjoy himself for a little while. Watching him struggle with the process sometimes, seeing the frustrating setbacks and self-doubt was difficult for Steve to watch. But he kept planning days like this, and had taken a lot of pictures today too, and was planning on taking more later when they got to their next destination.

They finally finished getting everything in the trunk and Steve looked at Bucky, studying him as he stood up and turned to him. He had his shirt back on, but the sleeves were pulled up. There was beautiful color to his skin now and he just looked aired out. Sunglasses pushed up on his head with loose strands of hair blowing around them. With that half smile and questioning look on his face, his hands on his hips.

“So you gonna tell me where we’re going next?” He asked, the smirk getting wider. “Or you just gonna stare at me all day?”

Steve grinned and lifted his phone, taking a picture of him, causing an eye roll. “I kind of like staring  at you.”

“I can see that.” Bucky replied, closing the trunk. “Now come on fess up Captain, what’s the big plan?”

Steve didn’t answer, just went to the back passenger door and opened it, pulling the package that Bucky had been so curious about earlier. He handed to him right there in the parking lot. “Open it and I’ll tell you.” He said simply, waiting for Bucky to do just that.

He watched as he opened it, pulling the item out and staring at it and back at Steve again in wonder. It was a vintage Brooklyn Dodgers jersey, complete with the number 42 on the back.  Bucky had found a love for Jackie Robinson and had expressed disappointment that he’d missed seeing him playing for the Dodgers while they were still in Brooklyn. He remembered listening to Bucky talk about this, telling him how Sam had told him all about him over several lunches at the diner. Steve had seen the wonder and wihistfulness in his eyes as he talked about wishing he’d seen him play.

 “I lied, it wasn’t blue.” Steve said, watching as he tried it on. “Just the letters.”

“Damn.” Bucky said as he got it situated. “This is just.. wow.”

“You like it huh?”

“I love it.” Bucky replied, buttoning it and looking at him questioningly. “so where?”

Steve reached into his pocket, pulled out his wallet and took something out of it, showing him. “Feel like going to a baseball game?” He asked. “The Mets are playing the Dodgers not far from here.” He saw another gorgeous smile of surprise on Bucky’s face. “I know they aren’t in Brooklyn anymore but.. it’s still the Dodgers.”

He saw Bucky step forward and grab his face, planting another kiss on his lips. “Hell yeah punk.” He said, his voice a low, pleased growl. “I’m game.”

Smiling, Steve opened the passenger door. “So let’s go then.”

\--

There was a little amusing trouble with the metal detector at the Citi Field but after they’d figured it was just his arm and not a rocket launcher, they let him in. Far from being angry about this, Bucky was actually strangely amused, thinking if only they really knew how dangerous that arm was. And he was just happy to be there in general. It may not have been Ebbet’s Field, it was a much more modern ballpark, but it had the old-school feel of a baseball stadium. It smelled of fresh grass, hot dogs and crackerjacks and gave him a wave of nostalgia yet again.

He felt strangely excited, like a little kid and was not even remotely annoyed by Steve’s picture taking. He even smiled for a few as they watched warm-ups from the stands. He was amazed by how many Dodgers fans there were here, but knew it was because Brooklynites were loyal, even now.

Bucky got himself some crackerjacks, a couple of hot dogs and big damn soda and sat back in what was a very comfy chair, feeling like a goddamn normal human being. His shirtsleeves under his jersey were still pushed, exposing his arm to everyone’s view and surprised himself into not caring about that.

He also watched, amused, as Steve was greeted by fans and signed some stuff for them. He was so proud of his little idiot and what he’d become and was perfectly happy to stay in the shadow of that and not be recognized. Even though he was sure some people did know. He just sat there and ate his hot dog and waited for Steve to get done with his adoring fans.

“My little Stevie.” He teased as Steve sat back down. “Such a big star now.”

Steve shook his head and grabbed one of the extra hot dogs. “It’s kind of annoying actually to be honest.”

“Hey you’re a hero now.” Bucky told him, digging into the crackerjack box. “I’m proud of you punk.. you did good.” He popped some of into his mouth. “Always knew you would, in spite of your limited intelligence sometimes.”

He saw Steve roll his eyes and grab a handful of the crackerjacks. “You’re such a jerk.”

“Yeah I am.” He agreed, bumping his hand in the box. “But this jerk loves the fuck out of you.”

He did. He joked about it, called him dumb and an idiot but it was all in fun. Because Steve was actually a lot smarter than people gave him credit for. It was his common sense that was sometimes lacking, but it was born of caring and need to do what was right and Bucky loved that about him and would never change it. Not in a million years.

“Aww that’s cute.” Steve said in the most annoyingly cutesy voice. “Me loves you too grumpy bear..”

Bucky rolled his own eyes and did a playful push to Steve’s head, ruffling his hair and settled down to watch the teams take the field. He took a deep and smiled, taking it all in.

“Remember how excited you were when they put the bleachers in at Ebbbet’s?” Bucky asked Steve, looking over at him. “You couldn’t wait to go.. we saved up all our paper money to get tickets I remember.”

“You remember that?” Steve asked him curiously.

“I do.” He said softly, as if conveying a secret. “I remember a lot of things like that.” He looked toward the field with a slight bit of melancholy. “Some of that stuff was the first things I got back and it… it kept me going.”

They had been the remnants of his life, which had confused him, or should he say, the Soldier at first because it was just flashes of things he couldn’t quite grasp. Little pieces of a stolen life coming back in small batches. They were better than the other things he remembered, and he’d held onto them, eager to find more information. And in days like this he was glad he’d persisted and kept moving forward because the alternative, he now know, would’ve been death.

This was much better he thought. Even some days were more difficult than others.

“I’m glad you remembered Buck.” Steve told him, looking at him with a sincere look.

Bucky smiled as he looked over. “Me too.”

It was beautiful night and Dodgers were one run behind the Mets. Bucky was enjoying himself immensely, getting lost in just how much fun it was to be at a game again. The atmosphere of a baseball game just taking him back to being a kid, a lot like Coney Island had. It was amazing how that worked. How on his good days he could feel this happy. This normal.

At one point in the game a ball was fouled wildly in their direction. More appropriately at a kid sitting behind them and Bucky, who was paying close attention for most of the game, shot out his left arm on reflex and caught it cleanly. If had been a normal person, it probably would’ve broken their hand and still hit the kid behind them but since it was his metal arm it didn’t hurt at all and caught it about 2 inches from the kid’s surprised face. He could feel the recoil of it up his elbow into his shoulder, but no pain at all.

“Holy shit!” Said a guy sitting next to them. “Doesn’t that hurt?”

Bucky was actually surprised into smiling at the guy, seeing Steve shaking his head out of the corner of his eye. “Not at all.” He answered, tossing the ball into his right hand and wiggling his fingers. “Special arm.”

The crowd around them was still buzzing about it. Which made him a little uncomfortable, but Steve sitting next to him certainly helped eased that anxiety a little bit. He saw him smiling at him and Bucky smiled back, turning to the kid that almost got hit, a cute little girl of about 8 and handed it to her.

“There you go doll.” He told her, feeling his heart warm with the broad smile he got from her. “I don’t need it.”

The mother sitting next to the little girl looked grateful, even if she also looked a little scared too and nodded to her daughter, was so giddy to get the ball she could barely contain herself. Which made the mother relax her nervousness upon seeing it, and maybe even recognizing him for all he knew.  He was okay with it thought, remembering what Sam had said about dealing with that mistrust, and worse sometimes. The smile on the little girl’s face was worth it to him though.

“Thank you.” She said sweetly to him.

“You’re welcome sweetie.” He replied with a big smile, unable to help. He turned back to Steve was just smiling at him. “What?” He asked him as they settled back.

“That was cute.” Was Steve’s reply, nudging him with his elbow. “You big sofite you.”

“Shut up punk.” He answered, pretending to be irritated even though he wasn’t. “I’m trying to watch the game.”

Steve just laughed and took his hand between the seats, entwining their fingers together. Bucky smiled gratefully at him for that. There was a bit of that social anxiety, a fear that someone might recognize him or say something not so nice. But no one had, they’d just been impressed by the catch. The attention had still made him nervous though and it must’ve showed for Steve to take his hand like that.

“I know you got a reputation to protect.” Steve teased, swinging their hand together between the seat.

“That’s right.” He answered, feeling a bit lighter. “I’m a jerk and proud of it.”

Steve grinned. “A sweet jerk.”

“Do not make me swear in front a kid Rogers.” He warned, side-eyeing him. “Or so help me God.”

“Okay grumpy bear.” Was Steve’s reply. “Whatever you say.”

Bucky gave him another side-eye daring to him to say one more thing. But at that point one of Dodgers socked a gorgeous 2 run homer to give them the lead, and he forgot all about it, at least for now. He stood up and cheered just like a normal person, because at that moment he was.

And he didn’t even notice or care about the picture Steve took of him in that moment either.

\--

Steve loved just how amorous Bucky seemed to get in the car sometimes. After the game was over the traffic had bee ridiculous and they had been delayed getting out of the lot. So they passed a little time making out in the front seat. It was dark, and the windows were tinted so they had some privacy to fool around a little right there in the front seat.

“That was great punk.” Bucky breathed against his lips, twisting al little more in the seat.

“Glad you had fun.” He replied, digging his fingers into his hair again. “We’ll have to do it again.”

He pulled back and looked Bucky, with slightly swollen lips and flushed face. He looked happy, really happy and Steve was so damn glad to see that. There was that mischievous look in his face as well. That one that Steve loved. He brought his lips to his neck and nibbled on it, feeling Bucky’s hands under shirt, metal fingers skating on his skin.

“Besides.” Steve whispered in his ear. “You look pretty hot in that jersey too.”

Bucky laughed breathlessly. “Well you can take if off me later if you want.”

“Oh you can count on that sweetheart.” He growled into his neck and then took his lips again in another searing kiss.

The kissing and touching went on for a little bit longer until the traffic cleared and he forcibly peeled himself away from Bucky with a regretful smile. But promised with his eyes it would be continue later. And pulled the car out of the lot.

He looked over at Bucky, who had his head laid back on the head rest, with a peaceful smile on his face. He reached over and put his hand on his shoulder, and watched him turn his head to him, his smile deepening.

“Good day huh?”

“Yeah.” Bucky replied. “It was.”

“That was really sweet what you did for that little girl.” He said to him squeezing shoulder.

“Anybody would’ve done that.”

“You caught it right in front of her face Buck.” He reminded him. “Might’ve saved her life.”

“Just a reflex.” Bucky answered, the smile had, turning a little sad. “They taught me how to be quick.” He looked at the window at the passing scenery. “Finally used it for something good I guess.”

“A lot of people might have kept that ball you know?” He told him. “It’s hard to catch a ball like that.”

Bucky looked back at him with a look Steve couldn’t quite decipher. “I’m not most people.”

“No you’re not.” Steve replied. “You’re better.”

Bucky seemed to scoff at that. “And you’re biased.” He said, closing his eyes as if tired. And he supposed he was.

It had taken a while to get back home, it was nearly midnight by the time he parked in front of the house and Steve was amused to find that Bucky had fallen asleep in the passenger seat. He got out of the car, walking around the passenger side and opened the door, crouching therein front of him, not wanting to wake him just yet. He reached out and brushed the loose strand away from his forehead and watched him.

The sounds of the city settling around them as he just crouched there next to him. Unfortunately, he did have to wake him so he roused him from his nap. He saw his bright blue eyes open and look around confused.

“We’re home?” He asked and then chuckled. “When did I fall asleep?”

“Somewhere on the bridge I think.” He told him amused. “Like an over-tired child.”

“Fuck off Rogers.” Bucky said with only mild irritation. “I’m an old man not a child.”

“A cranky one too.” Steve said extending his hand to help him out of the car.

Bucky narrowed his eyes as Steve helped him out of the car and then smiled, throwing his arms around his neck and kissing him right there on the on the sidewalk under the streetlight. Steve wrapped an arm around his waist and pulled him closer. He could hear the ding that indicated the car door was standing open, but he could care less, losing himself in the moment.

“Now Captain you big stud...” Bucky whispered against his lips, leaning into him. “Take me to bed or lose me forever.”

Steve smiled as he continued to kiss him. He got that reference considering they had just watched that movie not long ago. “Anything for you Sergeant.”

He kicked the car door and fished for his keys in his pocket. Without even looking he hit the button to lock it and lifted Bucky off the ground, causing him chuckle breathlessly and nuzzle his neck. Steve knew Bucky loved it when he picked him up like this. Even though Bucky was heavy it was really nothing for him at all to do it.

They got inside and he tossed the keys on the table and just carried him to bed, dropping him lightly on it and then crawling over him, capturing his lips again as they began to slowly undress each other. Steve unbuttoned Bucky’s jersey and left it open on him, exposing a now tanned chest to him The other shirt he’d been wearing, tossed in the car somewhere. He stared at him with hungry eyes, just wanting to devour him now. He felt Bucky’s hands on his neck, saw those brilliant blue eyes looking up at him with love and desire.

“You sure you’re not too tired?” He asked teasingly, trailing his lips over Bucky’s collarbone. “I mean we can wait..”

Bucky flexed his metal fingers on the back of Steve’s neck. “I’m never that fucking tired punk.” He growled in his ear. “Never.”

“If you say so..” He teased, his hands pulling gently on Bucky’s jeans.

He removed all clothes from him but the jersey, wanting to leave that on a little longer, and proceeded to cover every inch of available skin with kisses, hearing Bucky moan and feeling him shift under his touch. He had started this wonderful day pleasuring him and was planning on ending it the same way. And he left several beautiful marks on his body in the process. By the time he’d found his way to his thighs Bucky seemed almost half-mad with desire, whimpering with pleasure. He bit down softly on his inner thigh and heard him whine, wrapping his leg around his neck.

“You looked so delicious today.” He told him, nuzzling his face into Bucky’s thigh. “It made me sooo hungry..”

“Is that so?” Bucky breathed, his heel sliding over Steve’s back deliciously. “Maybe you should… go ahead and eat then punk.”

Steve smiled, and dipped his head, now nuzzling between his cheeks, gipping them with his hands. “If you insist.” He growled against his skin, causing a tremor to go through Bucky.

He gripped him tight and feasted, Bucky’s thighs gipping his neck, his moans filling his ear. It was the perfect way to end the day in his opinion.

\--

Bucky rocked on his knees, lost in it completely. Steve’s arm was wrapped around him from behind, holding him as he fucked him deliciously. He could feel his hot breath on the back of his neck, his other hand wrapped around Bucky’s own length, massaging it beautifully. The sensation had come back to that wounded place a little a time, steadily increasing the experience each time.

He didn’t go too hard on that yet, just enough to add to it, and then softly released him for a better grip on his hips. It felt so insanely good how deep he was driving into him. He felt himself pulled up as Steve sat back on his knees, pulling Bucky against his chest and he let his head fall back onto his shoulder, mouth open, soft moans coming out.

“You feel so good beautiful.” Steve purred, wrapping a soft hand around Bucky’s throat and turning his head to the side. “I love you so much..”

He felt Steve’s teeth bite softly into his neck and whimpered, his eyes rolling at every deep thrust up into him. “I … I love you.. too..” He moaned, barely coherent now.

Bucky could feel, when he was clear enough to think, that other presence inside his head, watching this almost curiously. It was a strange sensation, like viewing out of two separate lenses. It would’ve scared him if he wasn’t so lost in his passion at the moment, feeling his world dissolve into a lovely haze of pleasure.

“Cum for me gorgeous.” He heard Steve purr in his ear again, his hand still softly around his neck. “Let me see you.”

He moaned thickly, desperately trying to keep his eyes open and turning them in Steve’s direction. Several more hard, deep thrusts that filled him completely did the trick, causing him to fall off the edge, his body convulsing as Steve held him to him tight to him. Bucky felt his face being turned more towards Steve’s as his climaxed rolled hard over him, and his lips taken in a languid kiss.

“That’s a good boy.” Steve whispered against his lips. “You’re so beautiful when you cum sweetheart.”

Bucky could feel him give him a few extra soft pumps and whimpered against his lips, feeling beautifully exhausted, his body still impaled on Steve’s. Every movement or shift causing pleasurable sensations to course through his body.

After a little bit, he was pulled off Steve and laid down on his back on the bed. He smiled, feeling Steve’s soft hands run over his body in a reverent way. This was the perfect way to end, what, in his in his mind was a perfect day.

“So what are you thinking about?” Steve asked, leaning up on his elbow as kept trailing those fingers of his skin.

“Hmmj.” Bucky considered, turning his head to Steve. “I was thinking I’m tired but.. I don’t want to go to sleep.”

“Why not?”

“Because it’s been a great day and..” He turned his head to look at the ceiling. “I don’t trust my mind not to fuck me up again.”

“I know.” Steve said softly, stroking his hip. “But you gotta trust yourself Buck.”

He wished he could, but he was fearful that it wouldn’t last. That he’d wake up from another nightmare. Or a flashback would happen and he panic. Or the Soldier would come out again and do something scary that he didn’t quite understand. He turned on his side and faced Steve, wrapping an arm around him, seeking more contact to calm the worry in his head.

He decided to try and change the subject. “So what did you want to tell me?” He asked, remembering him saying he something today. “You said it was important.”

He noticed Steve seemed to get a funny look on his face, an almost reluctant one. “It’s not that important.” He told him finally. “It can wait til tomorrow.”

Bucky studied, trying to decipher if it really wasn’t, or it was so important he didn’t want to worry him tonight. He had a feeling it was the latter. It made him really curious now.

“Are you sure?” He asked him. “Because it seemed like it was.”

“Trust me Buck.” Steve told him, pulling him closer to him. “It can wait.”

Before he got a chance to protest anymore, he pulled into another kiss and laid back onto his back. He was being touched again and sighed into it, forgetting his question and his worries for the time being. Damn he was good at that. But he did remind himself to ask the question tomorrow.

Because it was nagging at him at bit.

“This conversation isn’t over punk.” He whispered against his lips.” “Just so you know.”

“Duly noted jerk.”

Bucky smiled and wrapped his arms around Steve’s neck and just let it go for a while.

\--

Steve laid awake for a bit after Bucky had finally fallen into a sound sleep. He held him in his arms from behind, his face in Bucky’s neck, nuzzling it softly as he slept. Was thinking about the question he’d asked earlier and why he didn’t want to tell him just yet.

He knew why actually. Because part of him knew Bucky was not going to take it well. At least judging by his earlier responses to the suggestion of Steve not working anymore. He would be pissed to put it mildly. Because as he’d said before, he didn’t want Steve to disrupt his life for him. That he didn’t feel worthy of that in his own mind.

But Steve knew he had to do this. For Bucky. Because he wasn’t well, in spite of this extremely good day there was danger, real danger. A real possibility of something bad happening, and what if happened while Steve was away. He couldn’t deal with that possibility. He’d nearly lost him too many times already. And they’d already lost so much time as it was.

He remembered the doctor telling them that things could wrong with his brain at any time. And it could be fatal. Bucky had tried to downplay this a bit, telling Steve he could get his by a bus too or any number of things. He’d said it as a joke but Steve hadn’t found it very funny at the time, nor did he now. It was frightening.

And there was the PTSD and the anxiety that came with it. And this other thing with the Soldier. Where he didn’t always have control over what he did in that state. He didn’t want to hover over him in any way, but he needed to be around to some degree. Not half a world away on missions. At least until Bucky was stable. And Steve had no idea when that would be.

He already mentioned it Tony, explaining the reasons behind it, and surprisingly had gotten little fight over it. As if he understood. And maybe he did. Having mentioned that he and Pepper were starting a family and that maybe it was time to turn the reins over to some others.

Steve himself had made up his mind on it, it was just a matter of telling Bucky now, and the eventual fallout that would cause. Its why he didn’t want to tell him today, when he was clearly having a very good one.

He nuzzled the back of Bucky’s neck and put his lips to his ear. “I’m doing this for you.” He whispered softly, holding him to close to him. “So I hope you can forgive me for it.”

Bucky shifted a little in his arms but didn’t seem to wake thankfully. He was very soundly asleep tonight, a rare occasion that Steve didn’t want disrupted. Thinking about all the nights he’d suffered tremendously. The ones when he’d been alone. Broken and lost. It hurt him to think about it. Just as much as seeing him have those nightmares did. Of hearing the horrible abuses that had been inflicted on his body and mind, to the point where his mind had literally fractured from the trauma.

That the injuries they’d caused could kill him at any time.

And the fact Steve still felt he should’ve saved him from all of it if he had just been quicker.

It made him feel emotional thinking about it, and he held him a little tighter, burying his face in Bucky’s hair, feeling tears in his eyes. “I love you so much.” He murmured into the back of his neck. “You’re my whole world.”

He meant it. None of it meant shit without him and he wanted to spend as much time as he could with him. Helping him through the bad days and giving him good ones like the last one. His mind was made up on that part. He would do anything for him. Anything at all.

Even give it all up.

Bucky almost seemed to sense his distress in his sleep and turned around in his arms, wrapping his own around Steve.  Steve put his hand around the back of Bucky’s head and kissed his forehead before wrapping him up in his arms.

“Steve?” He heard him ask sleepily. “What’s wrong?”

He fought back his remaining tears in response to this. Bucky’s eyes weren’t open, but didn’t mean he wasn’t awake. “Nothing.” He whispered, his lips still pressed to his head. “I’m okay.”

“Are you sure?” Bucky asked softly, tightening his own arm around Steve. “You sound upset.”

“I’m alright Buck I swear.” He told him, stroking his hair. “Go back to sleep.”

“Mmm’kay.” Bucky murmured sleepily, snuggling against him. “I love you punk.”

The softness of it, said in his sleep, filled him with fresh emotion but he held it back and just pulled hm closer if that was possible. “Right back at you jerk.” He whispered in his ear and closed his eyes.

Knowing he’d stay awake for quiet a while but that was okay with him. As long as Bucky was sleeping. He could keep watch for a while. It was what he did now.

Eventually he did fall asleep though, with Bucky curled up trustingly in his arms.

\--

The Soldier woke up tucked into the man’s arms. The one the other called Steve. Sometimes ‘punk’ or ‘Captain’ as well, but in his head he was Steve. The other trusted him, and the Soldier did too. Knew he was protecting the other, who was called Bucky. Taking care of him. Making him happy.

He had watched them together, seeing that trust and being amazed by it. The way the other, Bucky, had allowed the man, Steve, to hold him down, restrain. Even put his hand around his neck. Things that would’ve caused a fight response before. But it didn’t this time.

Because this one wasn’t hurting him when he did it. The Soldier was starting to understand the difference between what ‘Steve’ did to ‘Bucky’ and what the others had done. Even if he wasn’t fully on board yet, he was starting to feel safe himself.

He was being quiet, not wanting to wake this man called Steve. He still saw him as a handler, one that seemed to care about them. Who touched him gently and had kissed him as well, the Soldier wanted to protect him too. Would do anything to do that.

He was feeling safe now. Just like the other, called Bucky seemed to.

He reached a hand up and touched the man’s, ‘Steve’s’ face for a moment before curling back up in his arms again. And allowing himself and the other, ‘Bucky’, to sleep in his arms.

Because now that the Soldier no longer had missions to accomplish, he was tired himself. And let himself sleep. Which was something those people who he’d once thought of his family, had never allowed him to do. Never truly allowed him to rest. But this one did and he was grateful for that.

Because sleep was good after all he was beginning to discover. So he let himself fall into it, just like ‘Bucky’ did, curling into ‘Steve’s’ arms and allowing himself that luxury as well.

He let them both sleep for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well I figured I'd give them a nice little day off and let Steve give Bucky another 'spoil day' as he calls it. 
> 
> So a few things. 
> 
> Rockaway was mention in CACW by Steve as a way of cheering a nervous Bucky if you remember, and the beach is in Queens, which is a different island from Brooklyn but not far of a drive. Queen's is also where the fairgrounds are and the Met's Ballpark as well. 
> 
> If you remember Sam and Bucky's conversation from Chapter 11, they talked about Jackie Robinson and you could kind of see why Bucky took to him as a player and I wanted to revisit that a bit as well. By the way, if you're not familiar with baseball tradition, giving a ball you caught to the nearest kid is considered the proper thing to do in most parks, and most people adhere that. Most decent people at least. 
> 
> The Winter Soldier has been more present in Bucky's mind lately for reasons that are kind of obvious, He needs to be reintergrated with Bucky, only Bucky is still resistant to that understandably. One reader speculated on Bucky's reaction to Steve's interactions with WS and I can tell you it is an interesting thought that will have to be explored. 
> 
> The next chapter will be much more angsty because the issue of Steve retiring is going to get brought up to Bucky. So fair warning. 
> 
> Once against thank you all for your amazing feedback I really look forward to it :)


	20. Under the Stars

He woke up to the feeling of being kissed softly. Of fingers in his hair, warming threading through it. Bucky hear the sound of birds through the open window, and the low hum of traffic as well. And the smell of fresh brewed coffee in the air.

It as a lovely way to wake up.

Better than some of the other ways he had. Such as shaking from a nightmare.

Sighing softly, Bucky wrapped his own arm around Steve’s shoulder and pulled him a little closer. Relishing this sweet moment of early morning peace his mind didn’t always allow. He was grateful for the reprieve.

Finally their lips parted and Bucky opened his eyes to see Steve smiling at him, his blue eyes sparling as he leaned over him. “Hi.” Bucky whispered, smiling himself at the sight in front of him.

“Good morning beautiful.” Steve replied, his hand still resting in Bucky’s hair. “Sleep well?”

“Yeah.” He told him, nuzzling the side of his face against the pillow. “Still don’t want to get up though.”

“Oh you’re being lazy bear today huh?”

“Damn straight punk.” Bucky answered, pretending to be annoyed. “I’m an old man I need my rest.”

“You know I’m almost as you are jerk.” Steve replied. “And I was up 3 hours ago and already got my jog in.”

“That’s because you’re not normal Rogers we’ve established that.”

Bucky had come to realize that he was not a morning person by any stretch. He had a penchant for sleeping late because no matter what time he went to bed he’d felt tired. His doctor had said it might be a side effect of the decades of cryo-freezing, seeing as how they were still learning about the effects of it. 

And he was sure that his night episodes and his PTSD related shit had to do with it too. It was a variety of things he supposed.

But either way it seemed he was always too damn tired to wake up any earlier than 10 am.

Steve on the other hand, was very much a morning person and it was sometimes irritating as hell.

“Okay grumpy bear.” Steve cooed at him in a cutesy voice, tosseling Bucky’s sleep mussed hair. “Maybe this will help.”

Steve swung his other arm around toward Bucky, and he was unsurprised to see it held a coffee mug that was still steaming. It featured Grumpy Cat and said ‘This is my happy face’ on it. Sam had given it to him for his birthday, saying it reminded him of him. 

“This cat is you Barnes.” He’d told him with a smirk. “Even looks like you.”

Bucky remembered calling him an asshole, or something like that but had to agree with that statement. He was feeling that cat a lot. And it was officially Bucky’s favorite mug now.

He got up on his elbow grudgingly and took it from Steve. “Thanks” Bucky conceded, sipping his coffee. “I’m still not getting up though.”

“Didn’t say you had to.” Steve told him. “Just wanted to see you before I left is all.”

Bucky lowered his cup, looking a little concerned. “Do you got a mission?”

“No.” Steve answered and seemed to look away at that. “I got an appointment with my therapist today and I gotta run a few errands is all.”

Steve had his own therapist and Bucky was glad he did, lord knows he needed it too. Dealing with him and his issues had been hard, but he also had his own as well Bucky knew and he didn’t want Steve to neglect himself too. The concern had always gone both ways. But he wondered why Steve had woken him up to tell him that instead of just letting him sleep.

“You didn’t have to wake me up for that you know?” He told him, putting his hand on his arm. “could’ve just left me a note or a text or something.”

“I know but.” Steve smiled and leaned over to kiss him on the head. “I just wanted to see you before I left that’s all.”

Bucky sat there holding his coffee mug, a little concerned because there was something in his eyes that was strange. Off. “Is everything okay Steve?” He asked seriously, siting up a little more.

“It is.” Steve replied keeping his hand on Bucky’s face. “That thing I needed to talk to you about, we need to talk about it when I get back okay?”

He had almost forgotten about that. The weekend had been such a whirlwind of good feeling that he just hadn’t even thought to ask again. After the beach and the ballgame, and a lovely finish to Saturday they had spent most of Sunday cuddled up watching movies and had even taken a walk. And had, in all kinds of ways, just enjoyed each other’s company free from interruption. And other than those weird sensations he’d had during sex he had felt pretty good. But now he felt a little trepidation.

“Sure.” He nodded. Okay.”

Steve’s hand slid to his face for a moment and he stared into his eyes, the spoon in his coffee mug rattling as his hand shook slightly. He didn’t even know why he was doing it either. It was strange.

“What about you?” Steve asked softly. “Are you okay?”

“I am right now but..” He started and then hesitated. “I got some weird feelings lately and I don’t know what’s going on.”

Steve pulled himself more onto the bed and seemed to study him closely. “I got a little time if you wanna talk.”

Bucky bit his lip and did an internal debate as to whether he wanted to trouble him right before his own therapy appointment. Realizing maybe he just needed to spill it to him. To start talking again about this because it troubled him. Scared him actually to be precise.

“I felt him.. in my head.” He admitted as he finished his coffee. “A couple of times while were.. in the middle of it.” He met his eyes again, putting the mug down. “It kinda feels weird you know. Like he’s watching me or something.” He shook his head. “It sounds fucking crazy I know.”

“No it doesn’t.” Steve reassured, brushing his hair with his fingers. “I get it.”

“I mean it was bad enough when he was just coming through in my sleep but now..” He told him, leaning over a little. “But now it’s like he’s fucking here all the time.”

“You gotta stop being scared of him Buck.” Steve said softly. “He’s a part of you.”

He shook his head again. “Well I don’t want that part.”

Bucky knew what this sounded like, and he could see the soft understanding in Steve’s eyes as he said it. It was a bit of denial on his part. He just simply couldn’t let himself deal with this. It scared him too much. For so many reasons. Because he knew the Winter Soldier was still him, a part of him that was abused and manipulated and used to hurt others. Knew that the real pain of this was in him. The intact memories of his trauma. It was like he wanted to cut him off, jettison that part of himself that held that deep hurt. To deny it completely. Because his recovery and therapy had already been so difficult and painful, and he was tired. So damn tired.

And there was another part of himself calling himself a coward for this. That felt he was, in a strange way, abandoning the Soldier because he was too damn afraid to deal with him. It was a freaking mess in there sometimes.

“Have you talked to Amelia about this?” Steve asked carefully. “About him?”

“A little bit here and there.” He told him. “We kinda have a lot to cover if you know what I mean.”

“I know.” Steve told him, his voice still gentle, that hand still brushing his hair.

“I don’t really waanna talk about it anymore okay?” He asked, sitting back against the headboard. “It’s a little too much..”

He watched as Steve leaned over and placed his other hand on his face. “Okay.” He said, staring into his eyes steadily. “But when you want to I’m here alright?”

Bucky nodded and felt Steve kiss him softly again, holding his face in his hands. And he was happy to let him to do it. He just wanted to put it out of his mind right now. If his mind, and that other presence in it would just let him. He just wrapped his arms around Steve for the moment and let himself be kissed. Taking in the comfort as much as he could.

“I gotta go.l” Steve told him as he pulled away. “You need anything when I’m out?”

Bucky smiled, feeling the urge to sass a little. “A pack of cigarettes?” He offered with a smirk

“I thought you were quitting?”

“I am.” He answered, picking up the pack and shaking the remaining ones. “But I’m almost out”

“Well that’s just too bad now isn’t?” Steve shot back. “You’ll have to make do.” He leaned back over him for a moment “And stay away from the Bodega jerk.. show some self-control.”

Bucky feigned a pout and crossed his arms. “You kinds suck Rogers.”

Steve smiled and leaned in to kiss him again, a little more thoroughly this time. Bucky felt his hair being fisted softly in his hand and smiled into it. As much as he may have wanted more cigarettes, this was a hundred times better. And much better for his health as well. Bucky got himself a pretty good grip on Steve’s shirt and pulled him closer, letting their tongues play together for a bit, getting lost in it. Feeling that familiar urge to just wrap his leg around him and pull him back to bed. Hell he was considering it very strongly. But Steve was better at resisting than he was these days.

“Okay.” He heard Steve whispered against his lips. “I really gotta go now.” He pulled back, leaving his hand in Bucky’s hair a little longer. “You sure your okay right?”

“Yeah I am.” Bucky told him, giving Steve a playful shove away from him. “Get out of here punk you’re annoying me.”

Steve’s smiled. “Now there’s my grumpy bear.”

Bucky rolled his eyes and threw a pillow at that idiot head. But it was out of love as always.

Once Steve was gone, he got his ass out of bed, grabbing his Grumpy Cat mug and his medication and went to get more coffee and some breakfast. Thinking he might take a jog himself. After getting breakfast in him and a shower he got ready to do just that, grabbing a pair of Steve’s headphones and was on his way.

He was partway through his jog when he got a text from Sam asking if he wanted to get lunch and Bucky shot back an affirmative to that. Company sounded like a good idea. He was actually feeling pretty decent today in spite of that nagging thing with the Soldier in the back of his mind. No headaches, no jitters, just a general good feeling.  Thinking of spending more time out today, that the fresh air and company would do him good.

It was a after all a beautiful day and all. And it would keep him away from the Bodega. His lungs would thank him for that.

So he continued his jog, getting fresh air into those lungs.

\--

“So you haven’t told him yet?” His therapist asked pointedly.

Steve shook his head, knowing there was no point in lying here. “No.” He admitted. “And I don’t know why.” He sighed. “It’s not like it’s gonna make it any easier or anything.”

“you feel like he’s not going to take it well?”

“I know he’s not gonna take it well.” Steve answered. “He’s made it pretty clear how he feels about me giving anything up for him. He doesn’t think he’s worth it.”

“But you think he is.”

“He is.” Steve said, putting his hands on his knees and standing up. “But they hurt him so damn much he believes it no matter how much I tell him he is.”

“Ant that frustrates you.”

Steve nodded and ran his hands through his hair. “It does.” He admitted. “It’s like he won’t hear it and sometimes it’s.. exhausting.”

“You can’t control how he feels about himself.” He doctor told him as Steve looked out the window. “The best you can do is show him how you fee about himl and why you’re doing it. You can force him to accept it.  He has to come that on his own.”

“I know it’s just.” He paused and took a deep breath. “It’s just hard to do that.”

“Because you’re a person who needs to be in control and you have to accept you have no control over this.”

Steve knew he was right on that. He couldn’t control how Bucky felt about anything really. That was up to him to come to terms with. He knew the only thing he could do was keep on showing him how worth it he was. To keep showing him he wasn’t as broken and worthless as he though he was sometimes.

And he was tired in general. Exhausted from the job and worrying about what might happen if he was too damn far away to do anything about it. Knowing it was it was dangerous for him to be like that. To be distracted and divided. Not just for him but for others as well. This is was, in his mind, the only things he could do. To concentrate on what mattered the most to him. And that was Bucky.

“I think I’m just tired in general.” Steve admitted with a heavy sigh. “I can’t do both.”

“Then that Steve, is what you have to tell him. “ His doctor said. “The sooner the better.”

Steve nodded, pondering that among other things. Bucky had been in a good mood lately and he knew this would ruin it. And he’d put it off when he was in a bad way as to not upset him more. He was realizing there really was no good time to do it. He just needed to do and let it fall the way it was supposed to.

When he got home later, Bucky was out. He had left a message saying he was having lunch with Sam and would be back later and that was perfectly fine with Steve. He was glad Bucky had other people to rely on and talk to just like he did, and it made him feel a bit better. The support system around both of them had grown larger, with Bucky making friends at the VA as well. Helping Sam with the counseling group. Something Bucky had started taking some pride in as a thing of his own and that was wonderful to Steve to hear.

He looked around as he sat down on the couch. Seeing his own stuff but seeing some of Bucky’s too. That silly looking bear that he’d won at Rockaway sitting on a shelf in the living room. His brown jacket which he didn’t need today because it was warm out.  His Grumpy Cat mug in the dishrack.  His clothes in a hamper ready for laundry. A jar of peanut butter on the counter that was almost exclusively Bucky’s. There was something so domestic about all of it. A sense of home. To Steve this mattered more than the job or the shield. It was idea that Bucky was here in this place. That he had him back, a different, more injured version, but still him.

It made his decision that much more settled. More final. Everything that was important to him was here in this place. And that was what mattered.

He laid back on the couch, his head resting on a pillow that Bucky had picked out in the store, deciding to take a nap and wait for him to come back. Then they could talk.

He was roused awake by the sound of the door and sat up on the couch. He saw Bucky put his keys on the hook and grab a bottle of water. He had on jeans and dark blue button-down shirt, with a pair of sunglasses pushed up on his head. The sleeves were even rolled up, his arm plainly exposed and Steve smiled at that, seeing he was getting more comfortable with that. And was also admiring  how he looked in general. Just beautiful and healthy today. And it dismayed him to know he was going to ruin that mood a bit.

“Hey gorgeous.” He called out, seeing Bucky turn. “Fancy meeting you here.”

Bucky turned, giving him a winning smile, those blue twinkling at the sight of Steve. He causally took his sunglasses off his head, dropping them on the table as he walked over. “Yeah imagine that.” He answered sassily as Steve slid his arm around his waist. “Seeing as how I live here and all.”

“Yes you do.” Steve whispered, unable to resist just how scrumptious he looked right now. “This is our house.”

Bucky bit his lip seductively and wrapped his arms around Steve’s neck, letting him lean in to kiss him. Steve buried in his hand in his brown hair and bunched in his fingers as their lips parted in a sweet, languid kiss. Wanting one more before he dropped this particular bomb.

“Our house.” Bucky purred against his lips. “I like sound of that..”

“Yeah.” He replied, pulling back and leaning his head against Bucky’s. “Me too.” He pulled back slightly, pulling Bucky’s sunglasses off his head and putting them on the table. “So what took you so long?”

Bucky’s eyes twinkled with a little sass at the curious question. “I had to meet my other boyfriend.” He teased. “He missed me.”

“You’re hilarious.” Steve responded, rolling his eyes at that.

“I try.” He told, grinning happily. “Sam and I  were comparing idiot stories about you.” He continued, happily sharing a nice morning. “There’s a lot of those, that’s why I was out so long.”

“Well you’re just on a roll today.”

He could tell Bucky was feeling pretty good today, at least he was playing that he was, and Steve suddenly didn’t want to wreck that, but knew he could put it off much longer either. And Bucky seemed to sense this, the teasing smile on his face falling a little.

“Steve?” He asked concerned. “What is it?’ He put his hands on his face, searching him. “Tell me.”

This was it he knew, the best chance he was going to get to tell him. To try and make him understand what he was doing here. Why he was doing it. It was for all this. For their home and their life together. For him. And for himself as well.

“I’m quitting Buck.” He said softly. “No more mission, no more last-minute trips. I’m done.” He looked in his eyes, seeing a myriad of things go through and added. “It’s time.”

He stood back a little, and let Bucky process this information and waited for his response.

\--

Bucky was stunned. He couldn’t think of anything to say at first. But all he could think of was why? He couldn’t even believe it. Couldn’t comprehend that he would just, give it all up like that.

“You can’t.” He finally said, his voice hoarse and dry. “I won’t let you do this Steve.”

“I already did Buck.”

“Without even discussing it?” He asked stepping back from Steve. “I told you I didn’t want you to give anything up for me.. I’m not fucking worth it!”

Steve stepped forward and grabbed his face. “Listen to me Buck.” He said adamantly, not letting him pull away. “Listen to me okay? knowing that something could go wrong with you scares the hell out of me.” His hands were firm and warm, keeping Bucky facing him. “I don’t want to be halfway around the world and   something happens to you and I’m not here.  Worrying about that is all I do when I’m away now and that’s not safe for anyone.”

“But they need you!” He protested. “You’re a goddamn hero! You save people.  I won’t let you give that up because of me. I’ve done enough damage.”

“Stop talking like that Buck.” Steve told him, his hand holding his head. “Just stop.”

He couldn’t help it though. He felt it. He could feel his self-loathing coming right to the surface, unable to process the idea that Steve would give it all up for him. All of it. He didn’t deserve that kind of loyalty. He was damaged, crazy. A goddamn murderer. His mind finding every horrible thing he was and throwing it at him now. He just couldn’t.

Steve was better than that. Better than him. He was a piece of shit.

He pulled violently away and back up. “Why not?” He said despairingly. “Its true. I’m bad Steve. I’m not worth it.”

“Yes you are.” Steve whispered, stepping forward and grabbing his face again. “Stop saying that.” His thumbs caressed Bucky’s face and he closed his eyes at the feel it. “You’re my whole world Buck. Nothing I have means anything if I lose you again.”

He felt his composure break somewhat at that. As well as any control of himself internally. He could feel that other in there, observing this pain as well. He may have even understood it. The Soldier knew more about Bucky’s inner workings than anyone.  And Bucky feel that knowledge as well as his presence. He felt that he would assert control and take over for him in this state he was now in. He felt that presence and he was fearful of it. Fearful of a potential threat because he was too damn weak to hold him down now if he wanted to come out. His despair over the idea of Steve giving up everything for him was sapping everything else.

It was confusing him that he didn’t try to take the control though. He just seemed to watch it unfold.

“You’re a fucking idiot.” He snapped at Steve, his voice choked with emotion. “You know that?”

“I know.” Steve replied with a soft smile. “I have it on good authority.”

“I don’t want this Steve.” He said angrily. “I don’t.”

“I know Buck.” Steve told him softly, leaning his head against Bucky’s “But we both need it.” His lifted his head up and kissed Bucky’s forehead softly. “We’re gonna have the life we deserve okay? A quiet one. Together.“

“At what cost though?” He asked, stepping back, not wanting to lose his grip on his anger yet. He wasn’t done. “It’s not just you Steve its everything you do for others. Whose goinna do that?”

“Someone else Buck.” Steve replied, taking a step forward, and Bucky took one back. “I’m done.”

He was shaking as he stood there, trying to put away the voices that told him he didn’t deserve it. They were loud when they wanted to be. The exhaustion he felt in general came from constantly battling with these things he realized with dismay. From his battle with his own mind pretty much regularly. He grabbed Steve’s face with his own hands, trying to hold on.

_Murderer_ … that voice whispered. _He’s better than you.._ _you don’t deserve him.._

“I don’t deserve this.” He told him, shaking his head. “Not this kind of sacrifice.”

“Bucky this isn’t a sacrifice.” Steve told him, finally grabbing his face again gently. “We’ve both made too many of them. Now we deserve a life.”

He felt Steve’s fingers snake back into his hair again and crushed their lips back together. Bucky gave into this without much of a fight, wrapping his arms around Steve’s neck. All he wanted to do was not think at all now. His body pressed into his, feeling the need for comfort. For confirmation.  He leaned into Steve, almost climbing on him now.

“I love you so much Buck.” He heard Steve say against his lips and repeated. “You’re so worth it to me.”  

He must’ve kissed him for a good solid minute before pulling away and just burying in his face into Steve’s shoulder. He still couldn’t process, couldn’t handle the idea yet. Truth was he was in the middle of an anxiety attack about it, and a storm surge of emotions in his head and needed the steadiness of Steve’s arms around him so he wouldn’t collapsing from it. He hated himself for being like this. For feeling weak and in need of support when only a few minutes ago he’d felt good, great even. Right now he felt completely unhinged, the other in his head seeming to stay back and just observe the chaos.

The one that knew all the reasons for it. Because he was the deep and practical part of his head. The one that knew all the truths he hid from.

He felt like he should be stronger, more together. That old idea that men shouldn’t be like this. It was still ingrained in his head sometimes.

“I’m not supposed to be like this.” He mumbled against Steve’s shoulder. “I hate it.”

He felt Steve’s hand brushing his hair, his lips near his ear. “Being like what.”

“A hot fucking mess.”

“Well you got the hot part right.” Steve told him, smirking as he pulled back and nuzzled his nose. “As far the mess.. I can deal with that.”

Bucky smiled at this, leaning his head against Steve’s.  He had this gift of finding the right words like that. When he was feeling his worst, he said things like that. Bucky was able to draw so much strength off of that, even if he felt undeserving. It was like it was contagious, that he just touched him, and the words soaked inside him.

“I still think you’re kinda an idiot.” He told him, smiling himself a little. “Giving it all up just like that.” He closed his eyes, letting his lips brush Steve’s again. “You shouldn’t have to.”

“Maybe your right.” Steve whispered to him. “But I’m doing it anyways.” He pulled him closer again. “For you. For both of us,.”

“I don’t.. know how to feel about that yet.” He said with a heavy sigh, his hands on Steve’s shirt. “Okay?”

He felt Steve nod against his head. “It’s okay.” He whispered. “I get it.”

 And then their lips met again for a soft kiss, Bucky wrapping his arms around Steve’s neck and just trying to let it go for a moment. Fighting off the feeling of not being worthy of the sacrifice he felt Steve was making for him. And he hated that he felt this way. That it seemed to mar everything sometimes. This horrible feeling of not being good enough.

“I love you punk.” He said softly, pulling his lips away and laying his head against him again. “Even if you are stupid sometimes.”

Steve smiled at him, keeping his fingers buried under Bucky’s hair. “I’ll gladly be stupid for you jerk.” He whispered to him. “Always.”

\--

It was a nice night out, unseasonably warm and Steve had decided that maybe they could sit out on the roof for a while. He’d even brought out a large sleeping bag and some blankets and pillows just in case they decided to sleep there. Bucky had agreed this, smiling at the idea of being outside for the night, but Steve still sensed a melancholy in his demeanor that he knew had to do with his news. He was hoping maybe some fresh air would loosen him up enough to talk about it.

 They were laying down on the open sleeping bag looking up at the somewhat clear night sky. Looking at the stars. Well as much as you could see of them in the biggest metropolitan area in the world, but that didn’t really matter. It was just the idea of doing it, like they used to when they were kids, when the world seemed bigger and the stars further away.

“This is kinda nice.” Bucky observed, speaking for the first time in about an hour.

Steve smiled and looked over at him. “I do have some good ideas sometimes huh?”

“Occasionally.” Bucky agreed, turning his own head to look at him, a little half smile on his face. “Maybe.”

Steve could see the trouble that he was dealing with was still there, just under the surface of those startling blue eyes of his. He could see it even in the low light. He reached his hand over and took Bucky’s flesh one and squeezed it gently.

“Are you okay?” He asked after a moment’ s pause.

Bucky seemed to turn his head back to the stars again as if considering his answer. “I don’t know.” He answered finally. “I really don’t.”

He studied him carefully, remembering the way Bucky had broken down over the idea of Steve giving up his job. He’d expected resistance like before but this more than that. He seemed to actually be in pain over it. Like the idea of it physically hurt. They he talked, about this, not being worth it was something he’d said many times but there was a special emphasis now. Especially when Steve had said h e’s made up his mind on it. There had been anger at not having a say in it and despair that hurt Steve to see.

“Talk to me Buck.” He said softly, squeezing his hand. “Please.”

“I don’t wanna talk about it.” Bucky replied, turning his head to look at him. “Not right now.” He turned his back to look at the sky. “I can’t.”

“Maybe you need to.”

“I can’t okay?” Bucky answered, a little more strenuously.  “Can we just leave it at that?”

Steve nodded, knowing it was pointless to push him. He’d talk or he wouldn’t. He wasn’t the kind you could make talk about anything if he didn’t want to. He had this stubborn streak in him now, more than he used to, and Steve knew why too. He’d been told what to do and how to feel for so long he was asserting himself now, even if he wasn’t aware of it consciously. In a way it was good thing.  A sign that he was growing even stronger, even if he didn’t believe it.

“When’s your next appointment?” He asked. “With Amelia?”

“Tomorrow.” Bucky answered. “Why?” He looked over at Steve with a little defensiveness in his eyes. “You think I’m gonna talk about your dumb decision.’

“It’s none of my business what you talk about with her Buck.” He told him, taking his hand again. “I’m just asking.”

Bucky looked at him apologetically. “Sorry.”

“You don’t have to be sorry okay?” He told him, squeezing his hand. “Just don’t’ beat up on yourself alright?”

He saw him bite his lip, his eyes tracking a plane going across the sky. “Yeah well..”  He sighed. “It’s kind of a bad habit of mine I guess.”

Steve looked at him sadly, knowing that was true. It was so deeply ingrained in him, almost like his programming was, that he wasn’t always consciously aware of it. The idea that he was worthless and deserving of whatever pain he was in. Steve knew that was partly from guilt over his actions as the Winter Soldier but also from decades of torture and abuse. The degradation Hydra had the nerve to call ‘training’ and ‘conditioning’ in the Winter Soldier files.

Steve had seen and heard some of this during his hearings, in which the defense had played some tapes of that to show what he’d endured and it had been difficult to watch. Bucky himself had gone blank at these videos, pictures, and read notes about it, the way he’d often done when talking about it. And Steve knew that some of that wasn’t even the worst of what they’d done to him.  The worst of the abuse. Of course, they wouldn’t record or write that down, because it would prove them to be the sadists he knew they were to the world at large.

And if, god forbid there was any recording of that shit out there floating around, Steve was going to make damn sure it never saw the light of day.

The had hurt him so damn much that whatever confidence and self-worth he had in himself had been erased and replaced with dependency and group think. Whatever ‘cause’ they gave themselves, no matter how grand their plans, they had been, at heart, the worst kind of abusive bullies, using him to do their dirty work and making him think he owed them for saving him and making him ‘better’and ‘important’ as if he wasn’t before. As far as Steve was concerned those people couldn’t suffer enough for the damage they’d done to the world and to Bucky, who had to live with consequences pretty much on his own now.

Steve turned on his side and put his hand on Bucky’s face as he lay there, staring up at the sky almost whistfully. As if harkening back to a simpler time. He turned his face to his, seeing the myriad of emotions in his face and kissed him softly, leaning over him to do so. He could feel Bucky’s metal hand wrap around his back and lightly grip his shirt.

“Feel whatever way you want okay?” He said softly to him as he pulled his lips away. “Just know that you’re worth it to me.” He brushed some of his hair back with his fingers. “You always will be.”

“You sound like a broken record sometimes.” Bucky told him with a soft smile.

“Well if that’s what it takes to get through to you I’ll play that record to the end of time.” He said, brushing his lips over his again. “I’m stubborn like that.”

“Yeah.” Bucky mused, pulling him a little closer. “Just like a big dumb mule.”

“Hee haw.” Steve replied and nuzzled his neck.

Bucky laughed at this. “You’re such a dork Rogers.”

Steve chuckled and just stared down at him, seeing the way the moon and the stars seemed to reflect in his eyes as he looked up at him. It seemed cliché, like some stupid romantic trope but Steve was a bit of a romantic at heart and he couldn’t help thinking how beautiful he was right now. His eyes a bit haunted but there was a look of love in them too. He just wanted to kiss him stupid and make love to him right on this roof. The urge was very strong.

Hell he was probably going to do it. He owned the place, so he could do whatever he wanted to on the roof.

“God you’re beautiful.” He whispered to him, trailing his lips over his neck. “I wish you could see that.”

Bucky seemed to sigh in response to that, not really having an answer for the praise. Although he did seem flush slightly, causing Steve to smile.. “Have we ever?” He asked, as if reading his mind. “Up here?”

“I don’t think so.” Steve answered, nipping softly at his neck. “Hasn’t been warm enough til now.”

“Hmm.” Bucky mused, his fingers pulling on Steve’s shirt a little eagerly. “Interesting.”

Steve slid his hands down and started unbuttoning Bucky’s shirt. “Indeed it is.”

He finished unbuttoning that lovely, form fitting shirt and allowed Bucky to pull his over his head and toss it aside before he smothered his lips again.  He slid a pillow under Bucky’s head as he did so, making sure he was comfortable even in the moment.

It was an unseasonably warm night and they were planning on taking full advantage of it. And did.

\--

Bucky found himself looking at the stars most of the time, with the exception of when he was being kissed, or when he just simply could not keep them open. It amazed him how they seemed to brighten and even twinkle more with every beautiful pulse of pleasure that shot through him at every deep, delicious thrust into him.

They were quite beautiful to be honest. He hadn’t taken a lot of time to look at them lately.

For a long time, even while in Wakonda, where you could see a lot of stars, he had chosen to spend the nights inside, under a roof. Those were the times he’d felt the most unstable. At night, when it was dark. He realized that this was the time the Winter Solider had operated the most. Yes he’d been sent on day missions before, Washington being one of them, but night time, when it dark, was more his time. It was easier to operate, and to disappear after, under cover of darkness.

He was after all a predator in that sense. Nocturnal to a large degree.

And Bucky supposed that was part of why the nights were harder to deal with than the day. The other reason being that, in Siberia, they simply did not let him sleep. And it was constantly dark there. Constantly night. And consequently it, had been night in his mind pretty regularly. Even after he’d escaped the darkness always seemed to follow and surround him.

And that darkness, it held no stars.

He hadn’t taken much time to look at the stars when he was outside at night. But now he was noticing them. Even in the height of his passion he was appreciating them greatly. Even though the light pollution from the city blotted a lot of them, he could still thousands twinkling over his head with their steady light.

Bucky could feel Steve’s lips on his neck, teeth grazing his skin, causing him moan loudly, not stifling himself at all despite being outside. He could care less who heard. He felt Steve’s strong, yet gently hands wrapping around his thighs and pulling them more against his own body and suddenly Bucky’s view was obscured as his lips were caught in a delicious kiss. He wrapped his arms around Steve’s neck, moaning thickly into his mouth as he continued to be deliciously fucked under that sky full of stars.

Every new experience was thrilling and liberating, this was no exception either.

When he came his eyes were wide open, taking in Steve and the stars surrounding him, seeing them seem to brighten and flash as it rolled over him in a glorious display of color and light. He lay under him, feeling Steve’s face buried in his neck, his eyes half-lidded, breathing ragged. He felt the slightly cool air on his exposed skin, and the warmth of Steve’s body over his, a blanket haphazardly over them.

“Damn.” He gasped, his hands laying at his side on the sleep bag. “That was… intesnse..”

Steve chuckled against his shoulder and raised his head, the shift causing a little whimper to escape Bucky’s mouth. He was still inside him, Bucky’s legs still sort of holding him there, and every moment seemed rub those sensitive nerves a bit. Not that he was complaining about that mind you. It was after all, his choice not to let him go just yet.

“You don’t seem to want to let go yet.” Steve observed, giving him soft, teasing pump, eliciting a moan. 

“Is that a problem punk?” Bucky asked teasingly, his leg wrapping a little tighter around Steve’s thigh. “Cause I kind of like you right where you are.”

“Fine jerk.” Steve growled and sunk his teeth into Bucky’s neck as he teasingly pumped him again. “Have it your way.”

Bucky whined, digging his metal fingers in Steve’s back, the other in his blonde hair. He was perfectly content to keep it going a bit longer. To play this game of blink and chicken they sometimes liked to do. A variation of the games they used to play as kids. Who’d give in first and say uncle.  Which in this case, meant who’d cum first. It was fun he had to admit. And doing it up here, outside in the air, with people possibly walking on the street below, made it even more enjoyable.

And he felt remarkably clear right now. Almost frighteningly so. He hadn’t felt that other presence this time. As if the Soldier was dormant, or just simply staying at a distance. Almost weirdly giving him privacy. He didn’t want to attach motives to the other personality in his head, but that’s what it felt like. Giving him a moment of peace.

And after the bomb Steve had dropped on him earlier in the day, he was grateful for this reprieve. Even if he still hadn’t fully processed that information yet.

Right now though, all he could really think of was that Steve was still buried inside him, still rubbing those nerves deliciously with every shift of his body. That his hands were sliding over his thighs, hips and ass, caressing the skin. Or that his mouth was marking him again. His body was so overstimulated he was pretty sure he was going to cum again and he was perfectly willing to lose here.

Because in this game, even when you lost you still won.

“You know what I remember?” Steve asked him thoughtfully, pushing gently against Bucky’s body. “The first time we kissed was on the roof.” He skated his lips teasingly over Bucky’s. “On my birthday.”

“Yeah.” Bucky breathed, his half-lidded eyes looking into Steve’s. “There were fireworks.”

He could remember that very clearly. Seeing them explode over their heads. How he’d taken a chance that night that maybe Steve wouldn’t recoil from it. And he didn’t. He remembered the way his lips had felt. Soft and pliant. The knot in his stomach telling him how dangerous it was to do it. That if anyone had seen it there would be trouble. And at there was real danger. But he’d done it anyways. It had been wroth the risk even then.

“You were so brave to do that.” Steve whispered to him. “And ‘I’m so glad you did.”  

“Yeah.” He replied, pulling his lips to his. “Me too.”

Their lips came together again and Steve’s now slow, sweet thrusts against his body pushed him over again and he willingly went with it. He shook and clung to him, feeling like he was up among those stars. Feeling nothing could touch him here in this moment.

Exhausted and happy Bucky did not put up any fight this time and let his leg slide off of Steve’s, allowing him to finally pull out of him, his eyes fluttering as he was vacated. Steve then slid off him and turned to the side, wrapping him in his arms, cocooning them both in the blanket. And Bucky very happily cuddled against him with a contented smile on his face.

“Guess you lost.” Steve told him, burying his hand Bucky’s hair.

“No I didn’t.” He replied. “I won.” He tangled his feet with Steve’s under the blanket. “I got what I wanted.”

“And what’s that.”

Bucky smiled as he nuzzled face. “I got you.”

Even though he didn’t feel like he deserved him, he’d gotten him. The moment he’d kissed him. Hell the moment he’d intervened on his behalf the playground so long ago. In another lifetime. Since that moment he couldn’t imagine not having him around. It had been ripped from him several times, very forcibly. And they had tried to make him destroy it himself but in the end they’d failed. The love he’d felt for him had conquered it he knew.

“Yeah you got me.” Steve agreed. “And you’ll always have me Buck I promise.”

Bucky closed his eyes, curling a little more into him under the blanket. His toes were peaking out of the blanket slightly as his foot wrapped around Steve’s on top of the sleeping bag. But he wasn’t even close to cold. He felt no desire to move from this position. Was perfectly comfortable out in the open air, with the city sprawled out behind them and the stars over their heads.

“Can we stay out here tonight?” He asked tiredly, lifting his head slightly. “Sleep out here like we used to when were kids.”

“Sure we can.” Steve told him, brushing his lips over his forehead. “Why not?”

“I used to like doing that.” Bucky mused, turning his head to look up. “Especially in the summer when it was hot.. we’d just take the couch cushions upstairs and just.. hang out.”

He remembered how they would sit and talk about so many things. Stupid shit boys talked about. How they were gonna be baseball players or invent something cool. Talk about the future. Or sometimes sit in companionable silence. Bucky had thought that maybe he’d fallen in love him with him in those times. Not just seeing Steve fight physically and never give up, but seeing him so defiant about what his future could be in spite of his health and limitations. Back in the day when Steve was the one living on borrowed time. And now here they were, in that future. And they were still together.

“Then we’ll definitely do that.” Steve told him, seeming to wrap him a little more. “Whatever you want.”

Bucky bit his lips at that and tucked his head under Steve’s chin. Feeling strength in those words. “I love you punk.” He said quietly, closing his eyes.

He felt Steve’s lips press into his head right before he fell asleep. “I love you too jerk.”

And he let himself drift off under the stars, the sounds of the city settling around him like soft music to his ears.

\--

The Soldier had left the one he called Bucky alone. Deciding those moments were his in a sense. Even when he’d sensed upset in him, he’d stayed back, opting to observe rather than intervene. A while back he would lashed out for him. Would protect him, but was sensing that in this situation, the other, Bucky, was in no danger. So he let him stay in control.

And he knew he was in no danger from the one called Steve.

 When he woke on the roof, he felt some discomfort in his body, but not an unpleasant kind. Not the kind that was inflicted as punishment for malfunctions or failures. There was a sense of satisfaction in his physical body that seemed to occur after the other and the one called Steve had engaged in their physical interactions. Ones which the other had enjoyed and the Soldier sort of envied to a degree.  And somewhat like the resulting feeling in his body.

Considering all the physical interactions he’d been engaged in were violent and mission orientated. These had become so clearly different and the Solider was starting to understand them in a new way.

He was also developing some  confusing feelings for the one called Steve. A kind of affection. Which was new to him.

It was night right now, and they were outside, and he was in his element. The dark. The Soldier was exceptionally comfortable in the dark. He saw well in it. Understood it. And unlike the other, was unafraid of it.

He extracted himself from the arms of the man called Steve and got up. The fact that he had no clothes on was of no consequence to him. He’d been in this sated before. Sometimes when he was being hurt they had done it as part of his training. Saying you needed to be able to fight in any state. Even though sometimes there wasn’t any fighting. Sometimes it was uncomfortable touching. Sometimes actions that made little sense to him. He did them because he was ordered to. And because the other couldn’t do them. Couldn’t handle it.

Tonight he wasn’t planning on fighting, just observing the world around him. Maybe even looking for potential escape roots if necessary. So he walked to the edge of the roof, where there was a ledge. And he looked over it, at the lights of the city sprawled out on the horizon.

He took everything in with sharp, observing eyes. As if on guard. He barely noticed the air on his skin. He  never really noticed the weather to be honest.  Just stared out, scanning the city and the surrounding roofs.

Keeping watch, and letting Bucky rest in his head for the time being.

\--

Steve had noted he’d gotten up after a while and had to search the roof to find him. He was on the far side, standing at the ledge. Not on it he was relieved to see. He was naked, not that anyone would’ve been able to see that from the ground, or even the other roofs, the ledge was high enough to obscure him from view. Parts of him at least.

And he had a feeling this was not Bucky. Not completely.

Grabbing the blanket, he carefully walked over to where he was standing, as if attention. He walked right up next to him, seeing him only turn when he was right there. He had a feeling the Soldier knew he was there along but simply didn’t register him as a threat. Which was interesting to say the least.

“What are you doing?” He asked, standing next to him.

“Looking.” The Soldier answered simply. “Seeing.”

“Aren’t you cold?”

“No.” Was his answer. That was it.

Steve still wrapped the blanket around him just the same. And he saw a confused look on the Soldier’s face as he did this. He still didn’t understand the concept of being taken care of. Or of just being protected. It was still foreign. And Steve had to remind himself this was still Bucky. A part of his head that was still in that dark, violent place where there was no love or care, just orders and violence.

“You’re not wearing any clothes. “He told him. “someone might see.”

Steve himself had a least pulled on some boxers out of habit but Bucky in his Winter Soldier incarnation hadn’t and there was that part of him that wanted to sort protect his modesty a bit. Not that he could be clearly seen up here but still.

“A lot of people see.” The Soldier replied in that same voice. “Part of training.”

He had known this to some degree, but it still angered him. Bucky had implied a certain lack of privacy. That sometimes he was on full display for everyone during what they called ‘conditioning’. That along with the abuse was tough for Steve to handle. And seeing Bucky deal with this to this day was even harder. The fact that the Soldier though there was nothing unusual about it, that degradation was part of his training, was in some ways worse.

He pulled the blanket around a little more as if to emphasize something. “No one should see or touch you like unless you want them to.” He told him softly, talking to Bucky, buried deep inside, as well as the Soldier. “That’s not training.”

The Soldier continued to look confused by this, unable to process the idea he had a choice in anything really. Steve had remembered the way, on that horrible night when Bucky had started recalling those traumas, how the Soldier had dropped to his knees, assuming that Steve was his handler and he had to ‘provide’. It hurt him to know there was still a part of Bucky deep down inside that still didn’t understand the difference between having a choice and not having one. Between wanting to and ‘following orders’.

He put his arms around him and pulled him into a hug, the blanket wrapped tightly around him. The Soldier’s arms stayed under the blanket at his sides and he just let himself be hugged. After about a minute he felt a trembled go through him and felt him shift slightly in his arms.

“Steve?” He heard Bucky say in a sleepy voice. “What?”

“Sssh it’s okay.” He whispered back to him. “You’re alright.”

He knew he wasn’t fully awake just yet, it was sleep-walking in a sense. No need to explain what was going on right away, just get him back to the sleeping bag. He pulled back from the embrace to see his eyes, which did look as if he was only partly there. He brushed some hair from his face and then held hit his hands.

“Come on.” He told him, sliding his arm around him. “Let’s get you back to bed.”

Bucky seemed to go willingly enough, almost slowly waking up fully as he did so. Steve finally got him seated with the blanket around him and Bucky seemed to hug it to him a little as realizing where he was now. In fact, he had pulled his knees up to his chest and had the rather large blanket wrapped fully around him.

“It happened again didn’t it?” He asked, looking over at Steve. “He came out.”

Steve brushed some out of his face. “Yeah he did.” He told him softly. “It’s alright.”

“What did he do?”

“He didn’t do much of anything Buck.” Steve answered. “Just talked a little.”

“About what?”

Steve debated on whether he wanted to tell him what he’d said, or the implications he’d made about his torture. But also knew lying did no good either. Keeping these things from him, no matter how much he wanted to protect him from it, always backfired.

“He was naked and he didn’t care.” He told him, still brushing his hair gently. “He kind of implied that they .. kept you naked a lot.”

Bucky had a look as if caught, pulling the blanket a little more around him. It was strange and sad how he could get like this. They were so intimate with each other but then he would pull in on himself when certain subjects came up. Steve supposed that was normal considering what he’d been through, but it still hurt to see it.

“They did.” He admitted, pressing his face into the top of the closed blanket as if hiding. “It was part of my conditioning.” He shifted a little under the blanket. “And maybe they figured if I could fight like that I  could fight any way.. I don’t know.”

“And they touched you.” He asked him even though he knew the answer to it.

“You know they did.” He told him, staring away from him. “And sometimes I still don’t know why you still want to touch me.” He turned his eyes back to Steve with what could only described as a shameful look. “After that and.. the things they had me do.”

Steve hated when he said things like that, the way it sounded like he was somehow unworthy of it. Unworthy of anything good really. He understood his reaction earlier to the news of the retirement. Knowing it was partly guilt over what he’d done, but also it was partly this too, this sense of unworthiness. It was deep-seated in him, imprinted in his psyche even now. 

He took his face in his hands. “I’ll always want to touch you.” He told him softly. “Because I love you.”

Bucky seemed to relax his posture a little and leaned forward, wrapping his arms, and by proxy, the blanket, around him, pulling him into the warm interior. He buried his face into Steve’s neck and seemed to take deep, shuddering breathes as they sat there.

“You’re the only I want to touch me.” He mumbled into his shoulder. “Just you.”

He didn’t say anything, just held him tighter under the blanket, creating that safe little space for him under that blanket for now.

\--

He’d laid back down after a while with Steve, both of them wrapped that huge fleece blanket that they were both so fond of. Nat had given it them and reminded himself to thank her one of these days for it. It was red, white and blue of course. And it was warm. Not that he was cold but right now all he wanted to feel was Steve and his warmth and the softness of the blanket as they laid on the sleeping bag on the roof.

It felt safe. That’s all he wanted right now.

He practically was buried in it, his head barely peeking out from under it as he stayed curled up next to Steve, sorting his thoughts out. It seemed like he was sharing more and more all the time, allowing himself to open up in ways he’d never thought possible.

Was realizing that, in a way, he had the Soldier to thank for that.

It seemed like he told Steve things, stuff Bucky himself couldn’t admit directly. Had a more pragmatic, less fearful view of it. Bucky was thinking that maybe Amelia had been right, that his own mind had created this a way as an outlet and a way to cope with things he couldn’t possibly handle on his own. And as much as that scared him, it made a lot of sense too.

The Soldier held a lot of memories, and information he didn’t want. But knew deep down he had to deal with sooner or later. But he just couldn’t.

Memories of blood and death. And horrific abuse.

He could feel Steve’s hand softly running over his waist and hip and let himself relax into his touch again. They way those others had touched him had been so much different. Hard and full of malice. They way they’d looked at him as well touched had made him feel exposed and uncomfortable. Vulnerable. It seemed to leave a film on his skin that made him feel dirty and used. Ugly. It was a feeling that was hard to describe to others. And he honestly didn’t want to.

But the way Steve did made him feel the exact opposite. He felt protected and safe. Beautiful.

What a startling contrast that he was still getting used to.

Bucky thought about the other day when he’d taken his shirt off at the beach and realized just how much of a big deal it was for so many reasons. Letting people see his arm but also to see him as well. To become more comfortable with himself in public. He wasn’t quite ready to do that all the time but at least he understood some of his own reluctance as well.

“You okay?” He heard Steve ask after a while.

“I think so.” Bucky answered, nuzzling his chest a little. “Better than I was.”

Steve lifted his chin to him and smiled. “Good.” He whispered and kissed him softly.

He let himself be kissed, feeling Steve’s hands back on him, relaxing him again in that state of calm. He meant what he said when he didn’t want anyone else’s hands on him ever again. He knew it was somewhat abnormal to be that touch specific, but he didn’t give two shits about that. It was the way it was right now.

And he was thinking other things too. Coming to terms so to speak.

“Steve?” He said quietly, leaning his head against his. “Its okay.”  He thought about it and added. “I’m okay with it.”

“With what?”

“If you want to stop.” He explained. “You know, retire.”

Steve looked at him, slightly puzzled by this change in his stance. “It is?”

“Yeah.” He replied, taking a deep breath. “I think.. well I know I was just.. hating on myself and I need to work on that a bit you know?”

“I know.”

He could tell he could. Could see all along that Steve knew exactly why he was fighting it so hard.  That all he could see was what he’d done. All he could feel was how he felt about himself and not thinking about Steve and toll all this took on him on a daily basis. Of watching him suffer with this crap and knowing he wasn’t well. How distracted he must’ve been by it all. How tired. A part of him felt so selfish for not thinking about this more. That maybe Steve was doing this for himself just as much as he was doing to for him.

“You deserve the rest too.” He told him and smiled a little, unable to resist teasing him a little just the same. “Besides I do worry about you getting your dumb idiot ass killed.” He picked up a strand of his own hair. “You gives me grey hairs worrying about the dumb shit you do Rogers.”

Steve nuzzled his nose into Bucky’s “Is that so?” He purred next to his ear.

“Yup.” Bucky told him with a shake of the head. “You’re aging me terribly.”

Steve grinned and pulled him closer. “Maybe.” He mused, his face nuzzling Bucky’s. “But you’re still pretty hot.”

He actually flushed a little at that, before getting serous again for just a moment. “I didn’t want you to give it up for me but.” He told him, nuzzling him back. “But I realize I got too much invested in you punk.. “ He wrapped his arm tighter around him and pulled closer. “And I’m kinda used to having you’re dumb ass around.”

“Well now  it’ll be around more often.”

Bucky then thought of something and gave him a mischievous grin. “You’re gonna keep the suit though right?” He asked, trailing a finger over his chest thoughtfully. “Because I’m kinda partial to that too.”

Steve laughed that beautiful laugh of his. “Oh of course I will.” He replied with a sparkle in his own. “I would never dream of disappointing you like that.”  

Bucky smiled broadly at that and then pulled the covers over both of them, letting them shut out everything else but each other for a while. Like they used to when they were kids, their feet sticking out from under the blanket, breathless laughs echoing across the rooftops, goofing around in a more adult way this time.

\--

Laying on his back now, with Bucky partially sprawled over him, Steve smiled contentedly his hand in his beautiful brown hair. Steve loved that he kept it somewhat longish, because he loved digging his fingers into it. Loved the way it fell in his face sometimes. Just loved that look on him to be honest.

He also liked staring up at the stars like this while his hand was resting in it. Feeling Bucky pepper soft kisses on his chest every so often. He seemed a little better now at least. After that painful episode and admitting his feelings about it to some degree. He felt like it was more forward progress even if Bucky felt a little scared about it. At least he was talking about it more.

“You should tell Amelia about this.” He suggested carefully, brushing his hair.

“About what?” Bucky asked, nuzzling his chest. “That we fucked up here a couple of time.” He nipped him a little playfully. “Wouldn’t that be TMI or whatever its called??”

Steve chuckled. “No jerk.” He sassed and then got serious. “About the other thing.”

Bucky pressed his face into Steve’s chest almost as if hiding again. “I do.” He confessed. “I tell her more than I tell you.” He seemed to nuzzle him as if apologizing.. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” He told him, brushing his heir back. “That’s what therapy is for.”

“I feel like I should.. be more honest with you that’s all.” Bucky said not looking up. “And sometimes I feel like he talks to you more than I do about this shit.”

It was strangely true. The Soldier was more honest in that sense. He wasn’t necessarily burdened by the nuances of shame and guilt like Bucky was. Saw things in an almost practical way. Like an animal acting on pure instinct. Which made sense in a way because maybe that was exactly the part of him self Bucky had needed to survive all those years.  A more basic, less emotional version of himself.

“You are talking to me Buck.” He said carefully, as if treading a minefield. “He’s just another part of you.”

Bucky seemed to bury his face further into Steve’s chest at that.  “I know but.” He spoke against his skin, seemingly holding onto him tightly. “He scares me.”

“You have to accept him.”

He felt him shake his head against him. “I can’t.” He choked out. “I just can’t.”

Steve knew Bucky was literally terrified of the Winter Soldier. He didn’t want to face him. And face the fact that it was his own mind that had created him, not Hydra. They had just figured out how to utilize and trigger him. Steve understood, without being an expert in psychology, that Bucky was only going to truly get better when he was able to reconcile both parts of his mind. But he couldn’t be pushed to do that yet. He had to come around to it on his own.

Until then Steve would have to respect and support him. And deal with his split mind as best h e could.

“I know you can’t.” He finally said softly. “It’s alright.”

Bucky nodded against his chest, finally letting go, and Steve could see the fear in his eyes still lingering. He touched his face softly as if to comfort him and he seemed to smile gratefully at this, his hand still shaking a little.

“God I need a cigarette.” He chuckled as he laid back down. “I’m out.”

Steve smiled devilishly, remembering something. “Oh that’s right.” He said and sat up, seeing out of the corner of his eye Bucky’s curious look. “I got you something.”

“Another present Rogers?” He asked, the sass coming back into his voice again. “Seriously?”

He found what he was looking for in the bag he’d brought up with them. And showed it to Bucky, who got an irritated look on his face and crossed his arms. It was a pack of Lucky Strikes along with his lighter.

“You’ve been holding out on me punk.”

“Not really.” He teased him, opening the pack to give him one. “I was planning on giving them to you I just forgot.”

Bucky took the cigarette and the lighter and rolled his eyes. “Sure you did.”

“I still want you quit okay?” He told him watching Bucky light it up. “I’m gonna give you one a day alright? So make it last.”

“Well technically it’s after midnight and all.” Bucky mused, laying back on his elbow. “I should get a second one later.”

Steve shook his head. “Nice try jerk.” He told him, tucking the pack back in the bag. “That’s the only one your getting today.” And he gave him a stern look. “And don’t try any of your tricks to get another one either.”

Bucky gave him the sauciest look ever and poked him with his toe. “Whatever do you mean Captain?”

“You know exactly what I mean.”

He saw those blue eyes glitter in the moonlight as he smoked the cigarette, the tendrils of smoke twirling up in the air. “You’re no fun Rogers.”

Steve knew he’d have to be very vigilant about this because, quite frankly Bucky was hard to resist when he did shit like this. Looking all seductive as he laid back on his elbow and smoked, his toe rubbing Steve’s thigh. And cold be persuasive when he wanted something. But he did want him to stop smoking. Not just for his health but just so he could find a better coping mechanism. But boy this was going to be quite an adventure to deal with.

Once he’d finished the cigarette they curled back up under the blanket, Bucky wrapping his arm around Steve and resting his head on his shoulder. He did look tired, his sleep had been interrupted. But Steve made sure the bag was far enough away that he could just reach over him and grab the pack either. He wasn’t stupid.

“Get some sleep.” He told him. “You need it.”

“Not sure if I can.” Bucky said as he nuzzled his neck. “Maybe if I-“

“No.” He told him, kissing head. “You can’t have one.”

Bucky pouted cutely. “You’re so mean.” He muttered, his face in Steve’s. “Making me suffer like this.”

Steve chuckled and just wrapped him tighter, looking up at the stars, thinking it had been a hell of night but productive in some ways he supposed. He pulled the blanket up more around them both and felt Bucky wrap his leg around his own, nuzzling a little more into his neck as if he could get any closer.

“Stop being so dramatic.” He told him, feeling tired himself. “‘It’s for your own good jerk.”

“I know but.” Bucky replied sleepily. “It’s still mean though.”

He smiled again, feeling Bucky drift off to sleep, and pulled the blanket him a little more before finally falling asleep himself with the stars twinkling above them. Completely oblivious to it all.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bucky's sort of weird, but perfectly understandable insecurities are sore of a many crux of this fic in the idea of him coming to terms with his abuse and torture, and with himself in general. The thing about the abuse, (because even in canon this was not just 'programming' and 'brain-washing' but actual abuse and torture no matter how it's spun) is how insidiously it works into your head and changes all your ideas about yourself. The main point of torture is to dehumanize you and break you down to your basic level and this is essentially what happening to him. So his feelings of unworthiness, guilt and low self-image to come from that as well his (forced) actions against others. And Steve taking great pains to tell him how beautiful he is very important for him to hear. 
> 
> And one message I want to send to anyone whose been through it is, you are not what others did to you and you can overcome it. Just like Bucky will, in this and in canon.
> 
> I think I choose to start showing Ws perspectives because fo a while you just saw him through Steve's perspective and through Bucky's fear of him, but his motivations are much more complex and he's much more pragmatic in his interpretations of the world around him. He that part of Bucky that he needed to have to survive what happened to him and I sort of went with Seb's interpretation of the WS in that he's not necessarily bad, he just has complex motivations for what he does. 
> 
> One of my central goals is getting Bucky to accept and pull that part back into him to be a whole person again, because he needs that part of himself as well, whether he wants it or not. But the process to do that is scary and possibly painful as well. It's upcoming. 
> 
> I started writing this chapter before Grumpy Cat passed away, it was a strange coincedence that she's in it, on Bucky's favorite mug (giving to him by Sam of course) and I suppose it was fitting. I just thought that adorably grumpy feline was perfect for Bucky's outside demeanor. And now it feels like a nice little homage to her :)
> 
> Can't say for certain what the next one will feature but I can say Bucky will have to face his inner WS sooner or later and I'm looking forward to writing those things when they come. 
> 
> Once again thank you for the great comments as always I appreciate them and your feedback as well.


	21. Burn

Bucky was sitting at the diner, looking out the window. It was beautiful sunny day and people were out and about in Brooklyn. It was school vacation so there were kids everywhere, people walking dogs and just enjoying the air. Wishing the brightness of the day and the occasionally amusing view of various dogs pissing on the fire hydrant would up his mood a little. No such luck on that.

He was annoyed and it showed.

“So what’s up your ass today?”

Bucky narrowed his eyes at Sam, who was sitting across from him. “What hell do you mean?”

“You’re more grumpy than usual today that’s all.”

Bucky shrugged as he drank his coffee, his third cup today. His hand was twitching, needing a smoke, which was obvious to Sam. Everything was.  “I haven’t had a cigarette in 5 days.” He sort of snapped a bit. “Can you blame me?”

“I know that sucks but are you sure that’s it?”

He had a bitch of a headache, for which the medication was only dulling, and it was pissing him off. He was sure the withdrawals were aggravating that a bit and he’d begged Steve to let him have a smoke but  he told him they were all gone. There was a paranoid part of him that believed Steve actually had some and was just hiding them from him. The rational part of his mind knew that wasn’t true, but it was still in his head just the same.

The cravings were wreaking havoc with his mood that was for damn sure.

And he had the damn nightmare again. Same one he’d been having all week.

The one where he was chained to the wall in the room with the mirror.  He’d had it before but there were new wrinkles to it now. A new element that felt somewhat like a memory correction as his mind was continuing to repair itself. Filling in more of that frightening jigsaw puzzle.

There was blood caked on his metal arm and splattered all over him. And something embedded in the interlocking segments of the fingers. He hadn’t recalled this before and in his dream he could actually smell the blood, hear it dripping on the concrete floor.

Amelia had told him to write what he remembered from his dreams and he’d done that, once Steve was able to calm him down enough to do it that was. Because these were horrific screamers. And what he read before he left had just made him confused and uneasy. Which along with everything else, had fouled up his mood. Because his mind couldn’t let it go which increased the pounding in his head.

Trying to think about why he’d been chained up in the first place. It seemed like a punishment of some kind. But he wasn’t sure about that either. Who knew why those sadistic assholes did what they did sometimes.

_He’s ready.._

Bucky didn’t like to think about these things, his anxiety level went up every time he did, but Amelia had told him that, as painful as all this was, he needed to deal with it. His mind was opening these doors for a reason, that his recovery depended on being able to confront the things those open doors were revealing to him.

Didn’t mean he had to like it though.

“Just been a crappy week is all.” He told him, trying to not swear because there were kids around. He wasn’t that much of an asshole.

“Wanna talk about it?” Same asked from across the table.

Bucky scoffed a little, picking at his fries. “I do enough talking about it.” He said with a hint of irritation. “Between therapy and Steve, I think I’m talked out.” He looked up at him almost apologetically. “No offense.”

Sam smiled back at him, his arm thrown over the seat. “Non taken man.” He replied. “I know it gets tedious and you just want them to shut up and leave you alone sometimes.”

“Yeah.” He agreed, thinking Sam had a knack for nailing it sometimes. “If I have to hear ‘are you okay?’ one more time I swear I’m  gonna tape his damn mouth shut.”

“I get that.” Sam said, signaling the waitress for a refill. “You just gottaa remember that they’re just trying to help that’s all.”

Bucky did have to admit he had to remind himself of that sometimes. That Steve was being observant of him and his moods for a reason. Not to pester or smother him but just see warning signs. That he was trying to help him, just like Amelia was. Just like Sam was. He had learned how accept help months ago but sometimes he resisted because it made him feel weak and defective to need it. Made him want to growl and push back sometimes. And whenever he’d mention this to Amelia, she’d tell him it was just an attempt to assert himself and be more independent and that wasn’t a bad thing sometimes.

That did not excuse being an asshole he knew but at least it put it in perspective.

Hell he’d been so irritable today that Steve had basically kicked him out of the house, telling him he needed some fresh air. So he went out for lunch with Sam and gave Steve a rest from his shit for a little bit.

And right now, he had another problem too. He had to piss but didn’t want to use that bathroom. They still hadn’t fixed that flickering light in there. He hated those so much he’d rather hold it than trigger those memories again. Knowing he was avoiding the problem rather than dealing with it, but it was what it was.

One thing at a time as they talked about in therapy. He was going there today actually. Sam was taking him. Thinking he’d have a lot to talk about. Not that he wanted to mind you.

“It’s frustrating that’s all.” He finally said after a pause. “I just kinda don’t wanna think about it anymore.”

“Alright then, lets talk about the fact that you got a t-shirt on today.” Sam observed. “Showing off the muscles huh?”

Bucky rolled his eyes. “It’s hot out.”

“Yeah but your usually covered from head to toe” The other man replied and smirked “Can actually see how pasty white you are and everything.”

Bucky actually laughed at the way Sam said that and threw a napkin at him. He was wearing a t-shirt today actually. His arms was plainly visible to the other patrons and most of them didn’t seem to notice or care. The only who did were curious kids and Bucky could live with that he supposed.

Speaking of that, he heard a little voice from the booth behind them. “What’s wrong with your arm?”

Bucky turned and saw a blonde kid of about 6 staring at him. The kid’s mother, who was a few tables away, looked mortified. “Billy that’s not polite.” She called out to him and gave Bucky an apologetic look. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine.” Bucky had answered and turned his attention to the kid. “I lost my arm a long time ago and they gave me a new one.”

He’d didn’t mention that he’d lost it twice or how. There was no point in explaining to the kid about how Iron Man had shot it off. The kid probably idolized him. He could see Sam out of the corner of his eye, watching this exchange, amused.

The kid grinned. “It’s neat.” He said brightly. “Can I touch it?”

The mother once again looked horrified, but Bucky nodded at her reassuringly and turned his attention back to the kid again. “Sure kid.” He told him, putting his arm up on the back of the chair for him. “Have at it.”

He watched the kids face as he put his fingers on the metal, the bright look of wonder at this new discovery. And just like at the baseball game Bucky allowed himself to see this through a kid’s eyes and realized that it was kind of interesting. It was not the same arm he used to have. Not that one that caused such mayhem, but it was still dangerous in his mind and scared him a little. But it was also pretty damn cool to a kid and it gave him some pause to think of that.

“It’s cool.” The kid said and grinned at him. He was missing a tooth, which reminded Bucky of Steve when he’d first met him. Which caused a smile he couldn’t help. “Thank you.”

He watched the kid scamper back to his mom and babble about it and turned back to see Sam smirking at him.  “What?”

“I think the Grumpy Cat here actually smiled that’s what.”

Bucky glared at him, desperately trying not swear the presence of a child. “Shut up.” He’d growled, drinking his ice-tea to keep from saying what he really wanted to say.

Sam just laughed at that. “I didn’t even know you had teeth Barnes.”

He shook his head and did his best to act annoyed, but he was actually enjoying the reprieve for a little bit. Thinking about the marvel on the kid’s face as he put his hand on Bucky’s arm and discovered something new.

“You’re just jealous cause I’m cooler than you Wilson.” Bucky teased, popping another French fry in his mouth. “Kid didn’t even look twice at you.”

Sam laughed another hearty laugh and Bucky felt a little more relaxed. At least for a moment. He knew it wouldn’t last but he’d deal with that later.

\--

Steve was wrapping up some loose ends at the compound today before he had to pick up Bucky from his appointment. It had probably been a good thing they had minimal contact today because, to be honest they were getting on each other’s nerves for some reason lately.

Well Steve knew the reason, or at least part of it.

Bucky’s nicotine withdrawal was a big part of it, weaning him off the cigarettes had been an experience to say the least. He understood that in some ways, smoking had become an easy coping mechanism for him in terms of stress management, but it wasn’t good for him in any way to be honest. And now that he was in intensive therapy and on the anti-anxiety medication, it was simply a bad habit. Both his physician and therapist had told him months ago it was important to get out of that habit, and that continuing to smoke wouldn’t help his neurological issues. That it was important to find more healthy ways to cope. And Bucky had kind of agreed with this at the time.

But saying it, and doing it were two very different things.

Bucky had been on his 5th day without a cigarette and his irritation level was high at this point. Leading to some minor arguments. But Steve knew they were simply going to have a blowout one of these days, because honestly Bucky was pushing his buttons lately.

Steve had sensed that the withdrawal wasn’t the only reason for that either. It felt like he was asserting himself a bit more in general, pushing back a little and maybe that wasn’t such a bad thing to be honest.

And there was also the nightmares and sleep disruption too. Which had increased in frequency lately. It was part of the withdrawal he knew but while Bucky had been forthcoming about those things before, albeit reluctantly, he was downright mulish about talking about it now. In spite of the fact that he’d woken up screaming and thrashing on several occasions. Which wasn’t help Steve sleep at all either.  So it had been a bit stressful lately. More than usual that was.

“I’ll have them put both the suits in the car for you.” Tony had told him as they were finishing up a few things. “Seeing as how no else is built like a Greek god they’re yours.”

“Bet you tried though didn’t you?” He asked him with a smirk.

“It was a little loose.”

Steve raised his eyebrows. “Just a little?”

“You are an asshole you know that Rogers.”

“Yeah I do.” He replied. “Been told that many times.”

“You are sure about this right?” Tony asked, putting on his sunglasses as they went outside. “About putting it all away I mean. Giving it up.”

He was. And Tony knew it, but he answered the question anyways. “Yeah.” He said with a sigh, putting his hand on his hips. “It’s time.”

“I guess our loss is Barnes’s gain.” Tony said, his hands in his pockets. “How’s Rpbocop taking it anyways.”

“He doesn’t like it, but he’s accepted it. Probably realizing he doesn’t have much of choice I suppose.”

Tony looked away at that as if thinking about something. “That’s kind of the story of his life isn’t it?” He observed. “I guess I’d be annoyed if I was him.”

Steve nodded and looked in the same direction Tony was looking in, at the expanse of land around the compound. He knew he was right, Bucky never had much a choice in anything in his life it seemed. He did realize he’d made that decision without him too and that might be part of his mood lately as well. His assertiveness lately and all.

“So what about you?” He asked Tony, kind of wanting to turn the subject for a moment. “What are you gonna do now?”

“I’m not sure, I mean I could use a break myself.” Tony mused. “ But Pepper is that point in the pregnancy where’s she’s annoyed by pretty much everything I do so I spend a lot of time here.”

“I thought that was a normal state for her?”

“You’re a card Rogers.” Tony retorted. “You crack up Barnes like this too?”

Steve chuckled. “Sometimes.” he told him. “Most of the time he just throws things at me.”

“Pepper threw a paperweight at me the other day.” Tony said a chuckle of recollection. “Barely missed my head. “ He shook that head. “I spend a lot of time in the lab these days”

Steve chuckled at that, thinking if Pepper had Bucky’s aim that paperweight would be sticking out of Tony’s head. Bucky had him with quite a few, non-lethal items, some of which he could dodge but some of which he couldn’t. He had killed aim, always had.

“I gotta get going.” He told him. “Gotta pick him up.”

Tony seemed to remember something and signaled a guy with a case to come over. “Almost forgot.” He informed him, handing it him. “Speaking of throwing things, this is yours too.”

Steve opened it and saw his shield in there. The familiar red, white and blue. He smiled at it a bit sadly and looked up at Tony. “This is technically your property Tony.”

“Yeah but my Dad made it for you.” The other man told him. “It’s yours.”

He felt touched by that, thinking of the history here with this thing and the pain it sometimes caused Tony to deal with it and even have it around. There was a lot of water under the bridge and they sort of come to terms with some things. Not everything, but some.

“I’m trying to think of what to do with it.”

“I don’t know.” Tony mused. “Maybe you and Barnes can play frisbee with it or something.”

He actually laughed at that, the fact that Tony making light of how easily the two of them tossed it back and forth in that fight. It put him more at ease to think that at least there that they could find dome humor in that now.

“Maybe we will.” He smiled and shook his hand. “I really gotta go.”

“Doors always open Cap.” Tony said genuinely. “Don’t be a stranger.”

He wasn’t planning on it. He’d be around. He had friends here and family that he cared about and would definitely visit them. He finished saying goodbye and got in his car. Off to pick up his very grumpy bear from therapy and see how the rest of the day was going to go.

\--

Bucky liked Amelia’s private office in Brooklyn. It was much more relaxing than the one in the Medical Center. That one still had the feel of hospital but this looked like someone’s living room. It had a couch, which he was sitting on, with soft pillows in warm colors, and an oak table between it and the chair she was in.  There was a lamp giving a soft and comforting rug patterns. It was on the 3rd floor and there was a window, which was open that gave you a view of nice park outside. He could hear birds in the trees and a slight breeze as they sat there.

It felt like a safe place.

“Just relax.” Amelia said softly. “Focus.”

During the session they started to work on some cognitive memory treatment. Bucky, using the stuff he’d written down tried to access the memory he had of these particular dreams.  He concentrated on details that he could remember, focusing on it intently. And the other thing he could pull out at the moment was another voice. A different one speaking to someone nearby. Not to him, because with the exceptions of the sadists that passed as trainers, they rarely talked TO him.  It was always about him, around him. Almost like he wasn’t there.

Because to them he wasn’t. Not really. But he had heard them just finie.

_“It may have been ugly.” One voice had said. “But it worked. He is ready.”_

_“Considering the expense.” The other one said. “I would hope so.”_

_“They were expendable. For the cause.”_

None of this made any sense to him, any more than the circumstances he was in that situation. The chains, the blood all over him. His mind was making frightening connections, but he simply was not ready to go all the way there.

The voice in his head, that one that sound like the toneless voice of the Winter Soldier seemed to say in his head _it was in The Room.. its where it stared.._

He didn’t want to think about The Room. The one with the flickering lights and noisy fan. Where the worst of the pain and abuse had occurred. It had been enough to even recall some of that. He didn’t want to ever have to go in there again in his head.

Horrible things had happened in there. Memories of rape and torture he was still coming to terms with.

But he knew there was more. Shadows that implied something else as well. Something that had to do with the blood staining the metal of his arm. Blood that was still not dry yet, running over the plats in strange patterns every time he flexed his arm in the manacle it was fastened to. The smell of that was filling his nose even now, all these years later.

He had done something. Something terrible he knew.  And whatever it was it had changed everything. Set the course forward for more horrible acts.

In order to figure that out he had to got in that room again. He could see that door partially open in his mind, the light flickering like it did in his nightmares. Could hear the fan and see the shadow of the man in the boots. The one whose face he could never see. Who had hurt him in ways he hadn’t known possible.

There was blood on the floor, just like on his arm. It was the same blood he was sure of it.

He felt his anxiety level rise, breathing becoming more ragged. Heartbeat escalating. Everything got bright and out of focus. He could hear the metal of his fingers tapping on the table.

He could not go in there yet. He just couldn’t.

“I can’t do this.” He said out loud, his metal fingers clanking louder on the table his hand shook. “I can’t.”

“We can pull it back for little bit if you need to.” Amelia told him, sitting forward in her chair. “There’s no rush.”

He bit his lips and looked down. “I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to be sorry.” She told him, her soft voice a comfort to him. “You’ve opened a lot of doors and the things behind them are not easy to deal with. It’s why you take it one step at a time.”

Bucky nodded, his hand shaking, itching for a cigarette now. He didn’t know when that had transferred from a habit to something he actually seemed to need but now it was maddening.  His metal fingers scratched his right wrist nervously and then rubbed the back of his neck, as if needing something to do.

“When was your last cigarette?” Amelia asked him, noticing this.

“Five days ago.” He told him, looking a bit a sheepish at being that obvious.

“The first week is the hardest one.” She told him. “But your doing better than you think you are.”

“Am I?” He asked, chuckling a little. “Because I’ve been all kinds of an asshole lately.”

He did appreciate the change in subject, or at least a break from it, but it just seemed to make him want one more now. But his headache was a least getting better to the point where he could actually think now. Not that he wanted to sometimes with the things filling his head right now.  Knowing he was on the verge of something. A piece of memory he didn’t want but knew he was going to have to address.

“Irritability and mood swings are normal.” She told him. “It’s part of the withdrawal.”

“I know but.” He paused for a moment, trying to put it into words. “I think it’s more than that. It’s like there’s this angry burn under my skin and I just wanna ..”

“Want to what?”

“I don’t know I just feel.. unstable.” He confessed. “Feel angry and I don’t know why.”

“Okay then.” Amelia observed. “Lets talk about that.”

By the time Steve had picked him up from the appointment he was loosened up and unsettled. His mind turning over the anger he’d felt lately, that burn he’d told her about. How he’d done a lot of anger suppression over the years and that it seemed to be leaking out a little more lately. His hands alternating between wanting a cigarette and wanting to smash something to pieces.

The urge to do that mixed with the image of the blood caked on his arm from his dream and he didn’t care for that connection one bit.

And the fact that some of that disturbing anger and resentment seemed to directing itself toward Steve That paranoid feeling he was hiding smokes. And the soldier thing was bothering him too in a weird way. He needed to contain that.

He just needed a damn cigarette right now, something to take the damn edge off be blew up. It was coming, he knew it was. It was only a matter of time.

\--

Steve watched as Bucky seemed to search the room, including places he’d already looked in. “You’re not gonna find any Buck.” He informed him, knowing it was pointless. “They’re all gone.”

“I gotta have stashed some somewhere.” Was Bucky’s almost frenzied answer as he pulled a box down from the top shelf of the closet. “I know I did.”

Seeing him a bit frantic like this was a little concerning to Steve. He knew he was jonesing for a cigarette, but he seemed a bit maniacal about it. Since he’d gotten back from therapy actually.  He’d been a bit on edge over the last week or so, but it had definitely turned a new corner today. A worrisome one.

Finally he got up and walked over to where Bucky was pulling stuff out of the same box for the second time in an hour and put his hands on his. “Bucky.” He said softly. “Stop. There are no more.”

“Can I just get one more pack then?” Bucky asked, his eyes looking wild and desperate. “I promise I’ll stop after that.” He could feel his hands shaking as they seemed to slide around Steve’s forearms. “I need one please Steve?”

Taking his hands off his arms Steve put them on his face and held it gently. “No.” He told him firmly. “You don’t need them.”

“Yes I fucking do!” Bucky snapped, pulling back. “Look at me okay I’m a fucking mess.”

Steve watched as he ran his shaking hands through his hair. He could see the frustration and need in his eyes. The anger burning below the surface. Like a simmering burner that would burn you if touched it. It wasn’t just the cigarettes he knew. It was something else. Something that had to do with his latest round of nightmares as well. And he had a feeling something happened in therapy today as well.

“Giving you cigarettes are not gonna fix what’s wrong right now.” He told him. “It’s not gonna make you feel any better.”

His eyes actually blazed now as he glared at Steve. “The only thing that’s wrong is that I don’t’ have a fucking cigarette.” He hissed, his hands balled into fists. “So stop tying to analyze me dammit!”

“That’s not what I’m doing Buck.” Steve replied evenly, ignoring the tone in his voice. “I’m trying to help.”

“Well you’re not.” Bucky snapped again, seeming to need to vent himself. “So unless you can find me one goddamn then fuck off.”

Steve was starting to feel quite angry at him now. It had been almost a week of this crap now. Bucky had been really pushing it over the last couple of days and even Steve’s considerable patience had been wearing thin with him.

“So that’s how it’s gonna be huh?” He seethed at Bucky who simply glared back at him. “You’re gonna be a super colossal asshole cause you can’t get a smoke?”

Bucky continued to look defiantly at him, his eyes showing a dangerous glint in them now. “If you’d stop fucking hiding them on me it wouldn’t be like this.” He snapped back at Steve. “I know you got some somewhere.”

Steve literally rolled his eyes at this. He’d accused him a couple of time of this lately, and at times he thought he was joking but he looked completely serious here. He didn’t know what had gotten into Bucky lately but whatever it was causing him to be adversarial, as if he was trying to pick a fight and up until now Steve had brushed it off but he’d had enough of his shit at this moment.

“I don’t know what the fuck your problem is but I sure as hell am not hiding anything from you.” He spat at him, stepping forward and getting in his face. “So cut that shit right now.”

“Sure you’re not.”

“I’m not.” He snapped back at him. “What the hell is wrong with you?”

Bucky stared into his eyes for a moment, his own eyes taking on a slightly icy cast that Steve recognized rather easily. “Why don’t we ask the Winter Soldier. “ He growled almost right in his face. “Since you two seem to be so tight and all.”

Steve was a bit incredulous about this. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“You know what it means.” He growled at him. “You’re not that stupid.”

And with that he whirled and stalked out of the room, leaving Steve to stew on what he’d just said for a moment. It was like he was sensing the strange relationship between them and was almost jealous of it to a degree. Or just irrational because of his nicotine withdrawal and was just making another wild accusation against him to vent his anger. Either was Steve was simutaineously confused and utterly pissed at the same damn time. Maybe because there was a strange element of truth in what he’d seaid.

He took a minute to calm himself before going to find him. And he was going to because that look in his damn eyes at that moment had another effect on him that he couldn’t deny either.

There was, after all, a fine line between anger and desire he was learning.

\--

He was still pissed off when he found himself in the weight room. Deciding to see if he stashed any there as well but the truth was, he knew there wasn’t any left. It was all he could do not to grab his keys and wallet and go buy some, just to take the damn edge off right now. Because quite frankly, he felt kind of dangerous right now.

Like a fuse had been lit.

The rational part of him had known better when it came to Steve and the cigarettes, but he wasn’t feeling very rational at the moment and those words had just fell out. He thought he had made some peace with Steve and his weird relationship with the other in his head but for some reason, what sounded like a weird jealousy had fallen out of him and now it was out in the air like that and he couldn’t take it back.

And the truth was, he had sensed something there. Some kind of connection between them. Once again ignoring the rational part of his mind that reminded him that the Soldier was still him.  Not a different person but him. It was like he still couldn’t accept him and the idea that Steve could so easily had lodged in his mind in a weird way and now here he was.

Literally irrationally jealous of himself. Now he knew he was nuts.

Turning around he saw the punching back and just slammed a viciously hard punch into it with his metal arm. That arm tore right into the material like it was nothing and it swung violently back, stuffing flying from it. He hit several times, each time harder than the last until his shoulder hurt and the bag was torn up in front of him.

Some of the stuffing and outer cover got stuck between the segments in the metal fingers and Bucky seemed to stare it a moment. Memories clicking in again as he stood rooted to the spot, feeling himself reliving the images that had plagued his mind over the last week.

_The hand flexed in the manacle, the caked-on blood just tacky as he opened and closed the fingers. There were bits and pieces of something else too stuck in the grooves. He knew what it was too, but his mind just couldn’t go there._

_The mirror across the way showed the blood was splattered all over him and it wasn’t his. It was smeared across his face like bizarre war paint as he stared at himself in it._

_He heard the door open and a couple of people walked in. Speaking in perfect English, not even bothering or caring that he could hear and understand what they were saying. He wasn’t really there to them, not in the sense of being seen as a person really._

_“The strength and weaponry work well.” Said one of the voices, which sounded very, nightmarishly familiar. It had that familiar accent that he would hear in nightmares.  “The mind might now be ready.”_

_“We will have to eliminate memory in order for this asset to work properly.” The other voice said. “To get his maximum potential.”_

_He knew that meant the chair. The machine. The blue light. The bloodlust and rage was still in his head and he knew, and they did too, that if those restraints weren’t there he’d be dangerous._

_Until he was wiped that was. Until he forgot again._

_“He is ready..”_

He felt hands on him and suddenly his arms were free, and he swung out reflexively at those hands before suddenly realizing he wasn’t there anymore. He felt his hand stopped by a strong grip, and his vision cleared enough to see it was Steve that was standing there.

They glared at each other for a moment, a long moment in which Bucky saw real anger in Steve’s eyes that matched his own. The hand holding the metal wrist was tight, and the metal segments flexed underneath the grip, almost like a pulse. Part of him wondering if he actually wanted to strike him. Maybe he did and that bothered him.

“We’re not done.” Steve seemed to growl and the sound of that loosened Bucky’s insides just a little. “I’M not done.”

Hiding the desire his veil of anger he kept a defiant look in his eyes. “Is that so?” He asked, his own voice as well. “So what are you gonna do about it punk?”

He emphasized that last word, giving it a sharper edge than he normally would. He was wound up, completely on edge. The cravings, the anger, the sudden flashback memory setting everything ablaze in him like an out of control burn. A wildfire that only one person knew how to tame and control.

He knew what was going to happen here. He wanted it to happen. 

And it did.

Steve let go of his arm and grabbed his hair forcefully, fisting it tightly in his hand and crushed his lips against Bucky’s. Backing him into the nearest wall, full body pressing him into it their tongues  wrestling angrily against each other. There was nothing soft or gentle about this because it honestly had been a long time in coming. A lot of built up frustration over the last week. Hell probably longer.

“You think I want him?” Steve asked, his voice growly against Bucky’s lips. “Is that it?”

Bucky’s fingers hooked into Steve’s belt loops, pulling him harder against him. “Don’t you?”

Steve seemed to grip his hair tighter, kissing him harder. “I want you both.” He told him, his voice low and husky before smashing their lips together again.

For some reason this admission, instead of pissing him off, turned him on even more. He didn’t understand why at the time because the fever took over his senses. Their hands hungrily pulled at each other, mostly at their pants, which were yanked down unceremoniously before Bucky felt himself turned around and pressed back into the wall again. He could feel Steve’s breath in his ear, panting with raw desire and he was completely on fire now.

“Do it then.”

“You’re not getting shit until you ask politely.” Steve growled in his ear. “Got that jerk.”

Bucky actually whine a little at that, knowing he’d been a shithead today and probably deserved that. That he wasn’t going to get rewarded right away for that. That Steve would make him work for it a bit. He could feel him right against him and he wanted it so bad he kept whining in his throat.

He was just… on fire now.

“Please.” He heard himself practically beg. “Please.”

“Are you gonna behave?” His voice tickled Bucky’s ear. “Be good.”

He whined a little more now, his face pressed into the “Uh huh.” He moaned. “I will..”

He heard Steve growl again in his ear and felt those hands grip his hips and soon he was being fucked right there against wall. His fingers scratching paint, especially the metal one, the stuffing from the punching bag still stuck in the grooves and now some paint chips were getting in there too as he clutched for purchase against the wall.

A brief flash of his horrid flashback, of the blood and.. other things stuck in the grooves of the other arm filled his head and he violently pushed it away.  There was no place for it right now.  Not when glorious pulses of pleasure were raging through his body at every hard, dep thrust into him. Not when he could feel Steve’s hot breath in his ear, his strong hands gripping his hips as he pounded into.

This hot, angry, half-dressed sex was what he needed today it seemed. A pressure release for the both.

He felt Steve bite into his neck and he lost himself in it, forgetting everything for the time being.

\--

Steve sat back against the wall, trying to catch his breath and come down from whatever that was. A cathartic release was what it was, if the look on Bucky’s face was any indication. Steve turned his head and just observed hi in the moment.

Bucky was leaning against the wall himself, one leg stretched out, the other one bent at the knee. He wasn’t wearing any pants and his shirt was just covering his lower region perfectly, in a way that Steve thought was both hot and adorable at the same time. His was a bit mussed, his body flush, his face looking relaxed and satisfied. At least for the moment. He was a picture of beauty to Steve and he just couldn’t stop staring at him for the moment.

“Well.” Bucky sighed, smiling as he turned his eyes to Steve. “That was interesting.”

“Yeah.” Steve agreed, letting his hand rest on Bucky’s bent leg. “Certainly was.”

“We should fight more often.”

Steve chuckled at that. “Maybe.” He said and ran his fingers over the inner part of Bucky’s thigh. “You feeling any better?”

“Yeah I guess so.” Bucky mused and shifted a little. “Although I am bit sore.”

“Sorry about that.” Steve told him, still rubbing his leg. Although he kind of wasn’t.

Bucky turned his eyes to him again with a smirk that said he knew that too. “I’m not complaining punk.” He said and then look apologetic himself. “I’ve been kind of dick lately so maybe I had that coming.”

He narrowed his eyes, not liking the implication that he deserved to be hurt in any way. And the idea that he might have gone too hard at him was plaguing him just a bit as well. As if there was a part himself deep down inside that had wanted to punish him a little for his behavior of late. Steve tried to shake that out of his head and turned to him.

“You don’t deserve to be hurt Buck.” He told him adamantly. “Even if you were being an asshole.”

“Hey I told you I’m not complaining Steve.” Bucky replied just adamantly, turning a little on his hip to face him. “I liked it.” He smiled at him reassuringly. “A lot actually. “ He slid closer and entwined his leg with Steve’s. “I like everything you do to me Rogers.”

“Even when I’m kinda pissed at you?”

Bucky reached out and put his hand on Steve’s face. “Yeah even then.” He said, his eyes soft as if getting what Steve’s meaning. “You don’t have to treat me like glass.” He turned a little, putting his other leg over Steve’s as well. “I can handle whatever you can give me punk.” He gave him a soft kiss. “I want to.”

Steve wrapped his hand around Bucky’s bare thigh and kissed him back, still feeling some misgivings about this sometimes. So much had been done to him and at he was worried about going to far or too hard at him. Bucky’s willingness to let him didn’t ease that worry sometimes, and he sure as hell didn’t always like idea of fucking him when he was pissed at him, thinking he could really hurt him. But a part of him also knew that happened sometimes and that maybe it was just his own hang-up about that made him worry. Especially when Bucky was perfectly fine with it.

“I know you’re okay with this Buck. “ He told him their lips part. “Sometimes I’m not that’s.”

Bucky’s bit his lip for a moment and Steve saw a little irritation in his eyes at that. “You’re not them.” He said in a voice he seemed to be struggling to keep even. “You don’t hurt me like that. “ He took Steve’s face in his hands and looked into his eyes. “You don’t force me to do anything I don’t waanna do.”

Steve nodded and pulled him more into his lap, Bucky’s legs on either side of his. “I know.” He whispered, letting his fingers sliding in Bucky’s hair. “I just worry sometimes.”

“Yeah well stop.” Bucky growled at him, leaning to kiss him. “Just shut your idiot mouth and kiss me.”

He did just that, fisting his hair with one hand and letting his other wander over his naked ass, giving it a gentle squeeze. He felt Bucky groan against his lips and kiss him harder at that. He vowed to himself that he would take care of him later, soothing the sore places so to speak. And also to ask what was really bothering him today, because he knew it wasn’t just the lack of cigarettes either. There was something else he could tell.

“Bucky.” He said softly as he pulled his lips away, his hand still in his hair. “That thing about the Soldier..”

“Just forget I said it.” Bucky interrupted, his fingers on Steve’s lips. “It’s not important.”

“Are you sure about that?” He asked. “Because you seemed kind of mad.”

“Dammit punk.” Bucky told him with some irritation in his voice, grabbing Steve’s shirt. “What the fuck do I have to get you to shut the hell up?”

And before Steve could answer that Bucky’s tongue was back in is mouth again, shutting him up effectively. So he let it go for the moment and kissed him until he couldn’t breath anymore then kissed him a little longer.

Because anything worth doing was worth doing right in mind.

\--

Bucky was laying on his stomach on the bed, writing in his notebook. The window was open, a beautiful night in late April and he could feel the breeze on his bare ass as he wrote. Steve had to told him to bother putting his pants back on since they weren’t going to stay on, and Bucky hadn’t fought this in the slightest.

He had been weirded out for a while about the idea of walking around like this, half-dressed and all but Steve keep reminding him it was his home and he was safe there. And no one was going to see him except Steve anyways, and he’d slowly started getting used to it.

He was starting to feel incredibly safe here. It had taken a long time, but it finally happened.

As he was writing he could feel Steve’s hands massaging that bare ass and thighs, his thumbs digging in and it felt so good his eyes fluttered several times as he wrote blurring the pages a little.. This had been recommended therapy as well for days when he wasn’t feeling so good and needed to relax. And Steve was very good at it. Was very good with his hands in general. Bucky certainly never had any complaints that was for sure.

When he felt Steve’s lips on his back just about his ass, he closed his notebook, marking his spot and put it aside before crossing his arms in front of him and rested his head on them. He sighed deeply, closing his eyes, his body relaxing even more under his excellent work.

“You know if you charged for this service you’d made a ton of money Rogers.” He sighed, his eyes rolling a little. “Cause you are good..”

 “These magic hand are only for you jerk.” Steve murmured softly against his ass. “Along with the rest of me.”

Bucky smiled to himself. “Lucky me.”

He groaned as Steve used those hands to open him up a little and displayed that his lips and tongue were just as talented as his hands. And Bucky was the lucky beneficiary of this too. He gripped the pillow, muffling his moans into it. He had been sore, deliciously so, but still sore and Steve was soothing that beautifully with his tongue, gripping his hips and stroking with his thumbs every so often, eliciting whimpers from him as well.  He feasted on him and Bucky was perfectly happy to be devoured.

After he’d made him beautifully cum, his body shaking with it, he could feel Steve slide up the bed and lay next to him. He turned his head to him and smile hazily, feeling Steve’s hand running sweet circles over his thigh and ass.

“Yeah I think I’ll keep you to myself.” He sighed, his eyes closing. “I don’t like to share.”

Steve nuzzled their noses together and then kissed him softly, turning him onto his back as he did so.  He then ran his lips over the bite mark he’d left on Bucky’s neck, which was still a little tender, and kissed it softly, causing a shiver to go through him. God he loved this shit too. As much as he enjoyed the hard fuck earlier, he loved the tenderness too. The way he’d touch and kiss him after. When he just took care of him.  

“So you wanna tell me what was really bugging you?” Steve asked against his neck. “Other than not having any smokes I mean.”

Bucky let his hands rest on Steve’s waist and looked up at him as he pulled back. He knew the question was coming but still apprehensive about having to answer it. He did one of his internal debates on how honest he going to be right now, because he was starting to feel a bit raw, and was scared that he if he started talking, he would say more than he wanted to. In many ways he was still very guarded, even with Steve, afraid of revealing too much still. It was a hard habit to get out of.

“It was just.. I had a headache too.” He told him, hedging a tad. “That didn’t help.”

He shook his head. “You really think I’m gonna buy that?”

It was the damn nightmare and he didn’t want to talk about that. The further down the road he went with it the more details were coming out. He didn’t want to go back to that room. Where the lights flickered, and horrible things had happened. Things he still couldn’t completely face yet.

And the blood on his metal hand, dripping onto the floor. He shut his eyes painfully as if trying to hide.

“It’s that nightmare.” He admitted, feeling Steve’s hand on his face. “I keep having it and I can’t get it out of my head.” He swallowed hard. “I just want it to go away.”

“Tell me about it.” Steve asked softly. “Talk to me.”

“I can’t.” He told him, a little anger creeping into his voice. “I don’t want to.”

“I know you’re scared.” Steve said softly to him, his hand brushing his hair back. “But maybe you have to.”

He hated being laid somewhat bare like that. “I’m not scared.” He snapped adamantly, raising his head off the pillow. “I’m just pissed.”

Steve looked at him like he knew this was bullshit, because it was. “You’re pissed because your scared Buck.” He told him, his voice staying patient and even. “It’s okay.” 

He knew Steve was right, he was terrified, like he was every time some buried memory resurfaced. Every time a fresh horror came in. And was damn terrified of his own mind too. That other presence, the one showed up at random times when he felt like it. Who had control of his body in some of his more vulnerable moments.  He was scared and it made him angry, causing that burn under his skin that had been plaguing in him all day. For a lot longer t than if he was honest. But damned if he could admit it right now.

“I’m fine.” He responded finally, just wanting to let it go for now. “I can deal with it.”

“I know Buck.” Steve replied, his eyes soft. “But you don’t have to do alone okay?” His hands rested on his face, looking in his eyes. “I’m here.”

Bucky had expected Steve to say more, to protest this denial in some way. To prolong this until he had to admit something out of irritation, but he didn’t. He left it for now. He just kissed him tenderly instead, and Bucky felt that burn under his skin start to abate again. To calm and relax. Those hands were on him again, sliding up that shirt he was still wearing a little more.  Bucky’s own hands cradled Steve’s neck as  he angled his head deepened it, sighing softly against his lips.

He didn’t want to talk anymore. Didn’t want to think about it to be honest.

Those fingers, trailing over his skin, over his bare thighs again made him stop thinking about it anyways. Knowing he did this shit every time. Knowing it was unhealthy, but he didn’t care. Because the memories that were being stirred up involved hands that weren’t so gentle. Pain that wasn’t pleasant. People who didn’t love him like this. And other things hidden in the shadows among that.

He did not want to see what was in those shadows.

So he wrapped himself around Steve and held onto him, pushing everything out for now.

\--

He had laid there, holding him from behind, his face buried in that beautiful brown hair of his. Liking the fact that he was keeping long these days, because, quite frankly, he loved combing his fingers through it. Pushing it out of his face when it fell over it, to reveal those gorgeous blue eyes.

Part of the reason he hadn’t cut it much was because, Steve knew, he didn’t trust anyone else near him with scissors. Except Steve that was. So he was the one that cut or trimmed it. And both of them seemed to fine with it the way it was.

He was thinking about today. Bucky’s ornery mood and his seeming unwillingness to talk. The fear in his eyes he was trying to hide. About the state he’d found him in the weight room. Staring at his hand as if transfixed by it. Like he was somewhere else for a moment.

And the way he’d swung out at him like that.

It wasn’t like it was the first time for that. Usually when he was in the midst of remembering something he got jumpy like that. And it always took him a long time to admit it. To open up about what it was. He was still very guarded about those things. With good reason.

Not that Steve didn’t know a lot of what had happened to him. The things that Bucky told him or hinted at were bad enough. But his nightmares implied worse. If that was possible.

As if on cue he felt him start to shudder in his arms, muttering and whimpering. He started to struggle as if to break free from something. He pulled away him, fighting him now and Steve had to turn him onto his back to control him. Holding his wrists down even though he didn’t want to. Didn’t like restraining him hi like this but he had to.  To keep him from hurting himself. From possibly falling off the bed or hitting his head.

He was probably the only person in the world that could’ve held him down like this. And it was very difficult even for him. Because Bucky was strong. Especially when he was scared like this.

 “Sssh.” He whispered him, getting a firmer grip on his wrists. “It’s okay.”

“Lemmego.” Bucky protested, almost screaming it, his face pinched in anger and fear. “Stop.”

His s eyes were open, but he was not awake, they were looking through Steve in terror at something that was only happening in his head now. He kicked again and Steve used his own knees to restrain his legs again, fearful he would hurt himself somehow.

“It’s me Buck it’s okay.” He tried to reassure. “You’re safe.”

Bucky seemed to stop struggling and just laid there and Steve let go of his wrists, putting his hands on his face gently. He leaned in and kissed his forehead, feeling a tremble go through his body and that ragged breathing slow down.

When he looked down Bucky’s eyes were calm, too calm to be him at the moment. He knew in this moment the Soldier had come out, almost as if protecting Bucky from something. He did that sometimes and Steve was used to it by now. He kept his hands on his face and stared down into his eyes.

“Where’s Bucky?” He asked him, his body still partially restraining him even though it really wasn’t necessary.

“He went away.” The Soldier answered in his usual tone.

Steve nodded, knowing that this part of him came out when Bucky simply couldn’t deal with something. When he’d retreat into his head. And thought to himself that maybe if Bucky wasn’t going to talk to him, or simply couldn’t, he knew the Soldier could, and did sometimes speak for him.

He also knew it bothered Bucky to a large degree that Steve talked to the Soldier like this but to be honest it was the only way sometimes. Thinking he’d be bothered more if he knew the ways they’d interacted sometimes. The intimacy of the encounters would probably disturb him. The fact that it was still him was something Bucky was having a hard time handling so minimal information was important right now.

“Why did he go away?” He asked, getting up on his knees a little. “What happened?”

The Soldier looked at him with those cool eyes, seeing that Steve had finally given him a little more space to move and seemed to rise up a little in the bed. Steve gave him more room by backing up and letting him sit up. He studied Steve a little more almost as if taking him in and then considering his answer to the question. Steve had noted on many occasions that the Soldier part of Bucky did sometimes seemed confused when asked questions. Especially ones that didn’t involve orders of some kind.

Because he wasn’t supposed to answer them. But he was learning that he was allowed to now.

“You have to ask about the Room.” The Soldier said, his eyes locked on Steve’s. “Where the lights blinked.”

Steve felt a chill at this. It sounded familiar. Like he’d mentioned it. Something about how people didn’t seem to know how to change lightbulbs these days. That he hated blinking or flickering lights. He was pretty OCD about it actually, fixing any around the house. He had started to wonder long ago if had anything do with the abuse and torture. And now he was pretty sure it did.

“What happened in there?”

The Soldier just started at him for a moment before answering. “It was where I was created.”

Steve felt some air go out of him when he heard this answer, as if it confirmed something horrible. He knew he had to get more answers but was not sure Bucky would answer them himself. Not even sure if he remembered it. But the Soldier seemed to.

The Soldier seemed to remember everything.

“Tell me.” He asked. “Because I don’t think he can.” He put his hands on his. “Help me help him.”

The Soldier just stared at him. And after a long minute, began to speak. Telling what may have been the final horror that needed to be told. The story of his creation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok well sorry I left it like that but to be honest this chapter wrote itself from the back because that scene came to to my mind first. 
> 
> So what do we think happened in that room? I mean we know a few things about it from earlier chapters and hints but we're about to get the whole story from WS, he's gonna do a bit of talking in the next one, which is why you didn't get POV in this one. And to be frank the story of his creation is something I'm excited to write about but also nervous about to because it's a big thing for me, something I've been setting up for a while now. 
> 
> a few things:
> 
> Bucky's withdrawal symptoms are mostly psychological and the worst of that starts to occur 4-5 days from the last cigarette. Smoking is not good for anybody, but especially not for Bucky as nicotine affects the dopamine levels in your brain, and Bucky certiianly does not need that does he? But irritation, mood swings, erratic sleep and headaches do occur, and our boy certainly dosen't need any more of those things. 
> 
> The flickering of a dying light bulb is one of his PTSD triggers for good reason and a lot of times people suffering from this will avoid their triggers even if it inconvienances them. Hence him not using the bathroom even when it's the closest one to him. 
> 
> Talking about Bucky's anger like a burn under his skin is important because he has suppressed a lot of that to a large degree, and so does Steve to a degree so it was, in a way, a cathartic release for them both. But the fact that Steve is still bothered by this is definitely part of the story and will continue to be a factor. 
> 
> And lastly I do love the idea that little kids think Bucky's arm is cool because honestly, it is cool. Who wouldn't want to touch that right? And the fact that he allows it is wonderful to me. 
> 
> The next chapter as i said will feature a lot of WS and his interactions with Steve as well, sort of exploring that dynamic as well as a painful story as was said. It will most likely titled "The Flickering Light' so there you go.
> 
> And once again, thank you for your kudos and comments, I appreciate them so much :)


	22. The Flickering Lights

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I did want to put an extra warning about some torture and violence in this chapter, mostly memories of violence. Just a warning on that, there will be more notes after.

He had no recollection of coming into being, becoming aware. He was just there one day. Like any other creature coming into the world it came out of blood and pain. With his own screams echoing in his ears.

The pain was in fact, the first thing he was fully aware of.

And the fact that he was sharing the space with another. One that was both terrified and angry at the same time. Who seemed to have recollections of being someone else, not this thing they kept calling ‘Soldier’ all the time. Who kept fighting in spite of the pain and fear. But that fight was getting less and less daily.

There were others in the room, where the light flickered maddeningly. The clank of a malfunctioning unit providing background noise. The words they used would become hauntingly familiar as they inflicted a variety of different kinds of pain, not all of which were physical, on the body and mind of the Soldier and the other who shared the space.

The pain level would be increased at the use of each word, spoken in a language the Soldier would master quite well.

_Longing_

“You will learn.” The main voice will say. “You will comply.”

His face was always in shadow, hidden from view for the most part because the light was never steady enough to provide details for longer than a second. But his voice was burned into their memory. As well as the feel of the hands of the others in the room, restraining him and tying him down as he inflicted pain on the body. Sometimes gagging the mouth so screams were muffled. The throat dry, parched and needing water, which was only given at small intervals. Just like rest.

His body was constantly being injured. Cut and bruised. Sometimes things broke.

The Soldier had also felt fire be used on the body, to burn the skin. It flickered like the light did in front of his eyes on the edge of his vision sometimes.  And there was this blue light that caused the body to shake violently and burned under the skin, would be used frequently in many different ways and places. Different instruments to apply it. The currents carried through by some of the metal from left side of the body, which had been wired in through numerous operations. The Soldier only knew this from accessing the other’s memories. To know how he was being created piece by piece.

The Solider hate the blue light more than anything.

And he didn’t like these people very much. He wasn’t supposed to, he knew.

He especially didn’t like the shadow man with the boots. Whom the one the other was terrified of.

His body may have healed quicker than most, but the mind remembered it all.

_Rusted_

The Soldier felt that man pull their hair hard, sometimes pulling some out after he made them crawl over to them. That pain was minor but was still there.  He made them do that thing that, well was not painful in ways the Soldier understood, but seemed to hurt the other in a different kind of way. The physical body had even gotten sick on an occasion or two just at the idea of doing it, and punishment swiftly ensued.

In those instances, he started taking over, finishing the work, understanding what was wanted of him there. Learning it quickly as a matter of survival. Yes it left a rancid taste in his mouth but it was better than the other things they did by far. At least in his mind. The other was horrified by this, retreating when it was ordered of him. 

He was retreating more often. The will he had to fight, the Soldier noticed, was fading.

But he did keep insisting his name wasn’t ‘Soldier’ like they were telling him.  _My name is Bucky._. he would insist. _I think it is.. I don’t know anymore._

The Soldier didn’t have this confusion. He just was. He accepted the role he was being given here and accepted the other in his head. Even cared for him in a survivalist kind of way. They needed each other. The Soldier’s pragmatism allowed him to follow the orders when the other was faltering. And the other’s ability to retain useful information, and still exerted control over the body was important.  His emotions were confusing to the Soldier, but he was starting to at least be able to follow and understand them.

The Soldier felt protective of the other because of this.

The emotion that seemed to occur the most in the other, besides the fear, was anger. A building anger. The more they hurt the body, the more anger built in the other. It wasn’t an anger in defiance but more in the manner of being hurt so badly for so long. Of not being allowed rest to heal. The Soldier sensed the danger in this and did his best to take over during the worst of the pain, but it was clear the other was still somewhat strong enough to stick around and maintain some control.

_Seventeen_

There really wasn’t a concept of time, the Soldier certainly didn’t have any. It was constantly dark there. And every day was the same in terms of content. On the occasions when they would leave him alone, the Soldier would let the other rest and stay on guard in case they came back.

Often times the rest periods involve being chained up against the wall. Of being cold and in great physical pain, and the other was exhausted, starving and sometimes delusional. Talking to people that who weren’t there.

One of those people was named Steve. And the picture the Soldier could access showed a blonde man who was sometimes small, sometimes big, but had the same face, the same blue eyes and the same voice.  And the other seemed to care deeply for him. The Soldier wondered if he was a previous handler. 

He seemed nicer than the others.

As he was recalling this, he looked at Steve, sitting in front of him on the bed and stated that the blue light and the chanted words caused him to forget these details occasionally. But he knew now that it was him all along.

He would narrow his eyes and try to understand the pain on Steve’s face. Because he wasn’t hurt.  There was no sign of injury. It was perplexing because he was still not certain how these emotions worked.

But Steve didn’t interrupt either. Just motioned for him to keep talking and he did his best to comply.

That was something he understood. Complying.

He did for the other. Because the other couldn’t comply with everything they wanted. It was eroding his strength and sanity to do it.

_Daybreak_

They shared the body for a long time, alternating as a way of survival. When something unpleasant was needed, the other would retreat and allow the Soldier to take the reins.  Such as the time when the shadow man in the boots wanted him on his knees. Wanted him to do that thing that made the other sick, the Soldier took that duty over too.

He was apparently good at it. Punishments were less then.

But there came a time, a specific time when the scales tipped. The Soldier remembered this, and he told Steve, so did Bucky as well. He just couldn’t bring himself to access that memory. He couldn’t handle it.

The light was flickering badly now, on its way out, the clanking of the machinery louder as well. And on this day, they had him on the ground. Face first on the ground actually.  The fingers on his flesh hand had been broken, pretty much all at once as they had been stomped on, and that pain would’ve been bad enough had it not been for what they were doing now.

Excruciating pain from his lower region. There were sparks coming from the object being used to torture him with. The Soldier did not elaborate on the part of the body they were using it on. Didn’t have to. All he said was the pain came from the inside out.  They’d done this before but today had been particularly brutal because the shadow man, the sadist in boots, had sense more defiance than usual in him today.

The others had restrained him, tied his arms down to hooks in the floor, these ones who’d sit by done nothing while the other hurt him. The Soldier had learned, when the other had started to regain himself later and looked up the files on his creation, that orders had been given from above, to do whatever they could to break him. To break his spirit. They were given carte balance to be as cruel as possible to get the job done.

Even the Soldier hated them for this, as much as he could hate anything. When he could remember.

“Comply” The voice ordered.

The Soldier had been about ready to try and completely take over but felt something in the other. That anger turning dangerous now. The strength rising through the constructed arm that the Solider and the other were learning how to manipulate in their limited spare time. 

And the leather ties holding him, were not strong enough hold that arm much longer.

_Furnace_

The man standing by the other arm, the one with the broken fingers,  had a knife in his hand, the Soldier and Bucky both remembering the way the flickering light reflected off it as it was right in front of their eyes, threatening to be used if necessary. . And that knife had been used enough to stress the seriousness of the threat.

But their confidence was also their weakness. Their belief they had him under control.

The chief handler, the man in the boots, was straddled over his back, one hand pulling his hair up and the other using the electric prod to hurt him with. The light in the room would blink every time a bolt went through the body. And this was worst pain ever. The Soldier, was matter of fact about his descriptions, to the point where he saw the strange pain on Steve’s face and felt the bizarre need to explain. He wanted him to know this was different than the pleasant soreness he got from Steve occasionally.  That this was so terribly painful he couldn’t sit down after or even move, but they would still force him to after.

“He likes what you do.” The Soldier explained, seeing that Steve seemed to be distressed by this detail. “He did not like what they did.”

It was one too many times. One too many abuses.

And incredible amount of strength surged through the body and he was able to rip the strap holding the mechanical arm right out of the floor, and as one them tried to stop him he flung him into the nearest wall.  He also flung the shadow man off his back as well. And twisted enough to free the other arm as well and fought off the other. Even with broken fingers he was able to grab the knife one of them had been holding and slashed him with it, sending him stumbling against the wall. But those two were not his focus at all.

“Soldier.” The man in the boots commanded. “Stop.”

_Nine_

He didn’t though. It was the other, not the Soldier himself, that grabbed them mans neck with his metal and squeezed it before slamming him into the wall. It knocked him out for the moment, and he was about to finish him when one the others tried to stop him. But he still had the knife in his broken right hand and stabbed him angrily with it, the blood splattering all over them both like war paint.

The other one had gotten up behind him but he saw him and used his metal hand to slam him into the wall, making a very audible crack as he skull split against the concrete, and more blood splattered onto him, running all over the rivets in the metal.

He then turned his attention to his chief tormentor whose eyes were open and watching him coolly as he sat on the floor. The Soldier could feel the rage of the other as he stepped forward, over the body of the one of the other ones, picked up the electric prod and grabbed his neck again, pulling him up and squeezing as he held him there.

“You are ready.”

The anger seethed and the hand squeezed so tightly that it actually cut into the flesh of the man’s neck, cutting off any words. The blood ran over his fingers as he held him there, running down the arm, covering it. He didn’t kill him just yet though. Wanted to make him suffer first. Something the Soldier could very much understand. 

He didn’t elaborate on how he’d done it. How he’d finished him. “That’s his story. Not mine.” He told Steve simply.

_Benign_

The Soldier recalled how the other had felt when he was done, the anger leaving and horror filling him instead. He couldn’t handle the violence he’d committed in the moment, although the Soldier didn’t understand why the other felt like that. Why he retreated from it. He just knew he seemed to retreat into his mind at that moment, giving the Soldier complete control of it.

Someone had to keep watch. To protect them.

Others at that point however had come to room to subdue him and the Soldier did not fight this, even though the idea of taking out some more of them had occurred to him, he knew it was better not to.  It was better to do what they asked. But they still chained him just the same, with the blood still all over him. Still running over his arm. They took no chances and they were right not to.

He glared at the two men who talked around him. Almost proud of this accomplishment.

And were now eager to tame this strength and aggression. Who made it clear that this outcome was actually better than they could’ve hoped for.

_Homecoming_

It wasn’t long after when they started training the Winter Soldier with the hurt words and blue light sent directly through his head now. Honing and controlling the strength and violence in the proper ways. The words and the blue light kept the other back in his head. In a safe place. He came out rarely, and the Soldier very much protected him for reasons he didn’t always understand, hiding him away in a safe place.

Those words reminded him that he needed to comply. It programmed him in a subconscious part of his brain, to come out fully and follow orders.

The put languages, commands and skills into his head. And fed him their doctrine. The Soldier did not care much for the last one. His job was do what he was told for these people. Even to protect them to some degree. They were, after all, the reason he was alive. They did, in their own way take care of him, even if they hurt him. Because he didn’t know any better really.

_One_

The other in head would sometimes wake up and tell him they didn’t really care about him, that he owed them no loyalty, but his voice was often quiet and fearful. Almost like he was afraid others would hear him. Because any time he peeked out at all. Asked a question, fought back, they gave the Soldier the blue fire again to make him go away.

And the Soldier carried out his missions the way they wanted him. Cool and efficient for the most part. He had nothing against the people killed. They were just targets he was pointed at.

There were times when he didn’t hear from the other for long periods of time. To the point where the Soldier almost forget he was there. And in those times certain things would look or sound familiar, but he could quite grasp what they were.

Until the man on the bridge that was.   _Bucky?_

When the other started to wake up again.

When those words and strange images in his head started to assemble into a picture and the Soldier started to remember again.

They hurt him from remembering, but he still did. Even the blue light couldn’t’ stop it this time. The sight of that man had brought the other back out for good.

_Freight Car_

He looked at Steve, sitting across from him, feeling a bit tired from recalling all this. But he could see something in the other man’s eyes that he was starting to recognize as a deep emotion that the other had felt. He remembered it as something called Love and it was a new emotion for him to contemplate lately. He felt it in the feeling of their hands together, Steve’s fingers interlocked with his. 

It was the feeling that always lit up the other, Bucky, and had made him happy.  Before Steve had relit Bucky’s consciousness in his head, he didn’t even know this feeling had existed to be honest.

His hands were let go of and he felt Steve’s on his face, soft and gentle, which he was still getting used to. This one was different. There were no smacks across the face or blue light sent through him. Any pain he felt was the pleasant kind that this man seemed to soothe after. It was new and he had to ask the question. Because this one allowed him to ask questions.

“Why do you never hurt us?” He asked. “You’re not like them.”

“Because I’m not them.” Was Steve’s reply to this, his eyes full of pain but also something else as well. “And I because I love you.”

The Soldier was still confused by that word and emotion. Was still learning what that was. But he liked it much better than the other feelings he’d experienced. And let Steve put his arms around him and hold his body to his. And there was no pain in this restraint at all, never had been. He was not holding him so others could hurt him.

He was caring for him. And the Soldier closed his eyes for a little bit. Letting himself rest.

\--

Steve wrapped his hand around the back of his head and held him to him, closing his own eyes. Feeling all kinds of emotion at the moment. Love, pain, anger and the ever present guilt. The idea that persisted that he could’ve saved him from that hell.

The Soldier’s practical, matter of fact way of telling the story had almost made it worse in a sense. He didn’t have to give a lot of detail to explain what happened to Bucky in there. The torture and horrific abuse that had led to the breakdown he still couldn’t face. The rage that led him into slaughtering his tormentors had broken his mind then he didn’t know if he could handle that truth now.

He remembered the Soldiers confusion over why Bucky had felt this strange remorse over that. “They were hurting him but he felt bad about it.” He had said with that pinched look of confusion. “It’s strange.”

Steve had understood this, even if he couldn’t put it into words in the way that Soldier would understand. He wasn’t even sure if Bucky himself understood. Considering they were the same person it shouldn’t be surprising. But the answer was simple really.

Because violence had never come naturally to Bucky as a person.

Sure he was trained to shoot in the army because his aim was ridiculous. A snipers eye had been given to him naturally. And he boxed and could fight. And won pretty much all of the fights he’s been in, even the ones Steve had started. He had learned to fight not to hurt others but to protect them and himself. He never used the strength he’d had to be a bully. He was never violent for violence’s sake. It was not his nature.

Hydra had warped it in him, had tortured him so much that they’d brought that anger out of him and made him question himself. The very act of not just killing, but destroying his abusers had horrified him so much he simply couldn’t deal with it. Even if they had had it coming.

Steve didn’t know how he’d finished the worst of them, but it  had clearly broken his mind.

‘I’m a monster.” He’d told Steve more than once. ‘All I do is destroy things.’

There was so much he had learned now that explained his complete resistance to the idea of being worth anything. So much of his self-worth wrapped up in their ability to strip him of what he thought was his moral code. The one where he didn’t use his strength to hurt others. And they’d given him extra strength and manipulated him into doing just that.

And there was the Winter Soldier, who had essentially been a slave for them. Who would do anything for them to keep them from hurting him.  Who had known nothing but pain and orders and missions and had been given so little in return but to be shoved away in a tube when he wasn’t needed.

As brutal as their deaths had been, Steve thought they’d gotten off rather easy for this.

He felt Soldier pull back, his hands on his arms, still with a slightly confused look about being cared about so much. He was the part of Bucky that had kept him alive all those years. He had needed him, they’d needed each other. Steve just looked in his eyes, seeing the similarities and differences between them very clearly.

The Soldier was the calmer of the two, able to think analytically and asses a situation. He retained memory and details. He was also the protective side too, willing to do what he had to keep Bucky safe, even from himself. And he was loyal. To a fault. Hydra had used those traits efficiently, manipulating them to their cause.

And Bucky himself was the emotional side, the one with the stubbornness to fight through and not give in, often at the expense of himself.  He had emotions and feelings that were attached to the memories, and a deep sense of right and wrong. Which had been useless to that organization so they’d tried to kill it him.

They had the same eyes he’d noticed but the shade changed slightly, as did the set of the face.

They were both strong, and beautiful. He loved them both.

He wondered what Bucky would look like when his mind was put back together. When both sides were merged into one mind again. Imagining that he would be even stronger and more beautiful. More complete. The idea was stunning to him to think of.

Right now, Bucky was still too raw to allow that to happen yet. Still too afraid. There was too much to deal with first.

He saw the Soldier staring at him in that cool, strangely haunting way. As if studying him for a moment. And then watched as his hands lifted to Steve’s face and he leaned in, laying a kiss tentatively on his lips. Steve sat and let him to do it this time, not being the one to start this either. Letting this part of Bucky learn that he could do these things as well. He just let his hands rest on his knees, feeling the tentative kiss, like a kid experimenting with it.

He pulled back and looked at Steve again. “He likes this.” He told Steve. “So do I.”

“You’re the same person.” Steve told him, putting his hands on his. “That’s why.”

The Soldier tilted his head, simply looking confused by the statement. Unlike Bucky who so resistant to it that it was like a from of denial. Not that he could blame him for it. But it was interesting how the Soldier, while slightly confused, didn’t seem to contradict it. Because he saw it from the pragmatic way he had.

“I’m tired.” He told Steve, and he looked it too.

“Then you should rest.” Steve told him, lifting his hand to brush his hair a little. “You’re allowed to.”

The Soldier’s eyes seemed to flutter in exhaustion, and Steve saw, a little relief as well. Carefully, Steve put his arm around his waist and slid him back down onto his back. He didn’t do this with any force, just eased him into it. This part of Bucky was still not good with threatening moves he’d learned, was still learning to trust him and he wasn’t about to change that now. And the Soldier didn’t seem to feel threatened, allowing himself to be laid down.

Laying down beside him, he put his arm around him and sort of loosely held him, watching as those cool blue eyes closed and the body relaxed. And when he seemed to be asleep, he snuggled against him unconsciously seeking warmth as well. Steve felt him tuck his head under his chin and he wrapped him up tight just like that.

He wasn’t sure if it was Bucky or the Soldier that was sleeping like this, cuddled up close, but it didn’t matter. It was the same person regardless.

The information he’d learned played in his head and kept him awake, holding him close to him as if protecting him. All he could think was if only he could’ve saved him from this. From that hell he’d went through for years. The memory of his fingers brushing his before he fell still plagued him to this day. The sense of responsibility he felt for not being able to snag that hand and pull back onto the train. It had killed him for so long and him being found to be alive hadn’t eased the guilt in the slightest because he’d found by his worst nightmare and no one had saved him from it.

He buried his face in Bucky’s hair and didn’t even bother to try and hold in the pain he felt over this failure. “I’m sorry I didn’t save you.” He whispered into his hair. “I’m so sorry.”

He felt Bucky’s arm move around him a bit as if sensing his distress. “Steve?” He asked, his voice heavy with sleep.

“It’s okay.” He told him, recovering himself a bit to reassure him. “Go back to sleep.”

Bucky lifted his head a little to look at him with half-open eyes that had a look of concern in them. “Are you alright?”

“I’m fine.” He replied, kissing his head softly. “You need your rest.”

“So do you dumbass.”

Steve smiled a little at that. “I know.” He said, wrapping his arm around him a little more. “I was just thinking that’s all.”

“Don’t hurt yourself punk.”

He chuckled. “Jerk.”

He felt Bucky nuzzled his face against his shoulder and seem to go back to sleep, as if that whole conversation was sleep talk. And maybe it was. He did that sometimes too. Among other things. He was grateful in a way because it avoided the subject to some degree. Because he was still doing a debate on whether to even mention what the Soldier had just told him.

Deciding for now to not say anything unless Bucky asked directly. He obviously wasn’t ready to face it yet. Or talk about it and the last thing he wanted to do was force him to talk.

What he wanted to do was give him some peace for now. And he was finally able to fall asleep with that decision being made.

\--

For once Bucky actually woke up before Steve, who seemed to be snoring away peacefully, so he didn’t disturb him.

He had a vague idea of waking up and saying something to Steve, but it was one of those half-asleep things that had a hazy quality. He didn’t dwell on it too much, just electing to stay snuggled up next to him, his face nuzzled into those broad shoulders, a strong arm wrapped around his back. He could feel the warm palm on his skin where his shirt had pulled up. It felt perfect and there was no desire to do anything at all but lay like this

Hell he didn’t even have a craving right now. It was interesting considering how bad it had been yesterday. Wincing a little to himself thinking about how he’d behaved yesterday.

Although if he was to be honest, he wasn’t all that sorry about the end result. Which caused him to shift in remembrance of it, still feeling slightly sore in an absolutely wonderful way. And even more so with the wonderful care Steve took of him after. He always did it seemed and Bucky loved that too. He nuzzled his face into his neck with some more appreciation for this.

“Good morning.” He heard Steve say sleepily. “You’re up early.”

Bucky nibbled a little on his neck. “Not that early.” He answered before lifting his head. “Just earlier than you.”

He felt Steve’s warm hand on his face pulling him into a sweet kiss that he had no resistance to at all. He almost felt a slight urgency to the kiss from Steve, especially in the way he pulled him closer but didn’t question it that much at the moment. He loved the feel of these kisses in the morning.

But once he pulled back, he saw a look in his eyes he wasn’t sure of. Something he couldn’t put his finger on it was just different. “Is everything alright?” He asked finally, getting up on his elbow.

“Yeah.” Steve answered, brushing some hair from Bucky’s face. “Why?”

“You got a funny look on your face that’s all.” He said and smiled. “More than usual I mean.”

That hand slid down his side and over his hip and Bucky’s eyes literally fluttered at the touch. “Maybe I’m just thinking about how beautiful you are in the morning.”

Bucky rolled his eyes. “You’re so full of shit Rogers.” He scoffed. “I know what that look looks like this is different.” He looked at him seriously. “What’s going on in that silly head of yours.”

He saw Steve seeming to work out what he wanted to say and for some reason this made him uneasy. If it was something minor he would’ve said something sooner. Bucky started to turn his own mind over, wondering if was something that had to do with their fight yesterday or something.

“Do you remember waking up at all last night?” Steve asked finally.

“I remember telling your dumb ass to go back to sleep but.” He answered, taken aback by the question a little. “Other than that.. no. Why?”

“You had a nightmare.” Steve told him, still trailing that hand over his hip. “A pretty bad one. “

Bucky narrowed his eyes at him. “That’s nothing unusual.” He said, trying to think. “Anything else?”

Now he saw real hesitation in his eyes, and he was a little more worried. The thought occurred to him that it to have been the Winter Soldier coming out again, which made him uneasy considering part of their fight had been about just that. He got up a little more on his elbow waiting for an answer to this.

“Do you really want to know?” Steve asked him, seeing the change in his face too.

He thought about that for a moment too. Wondering if he really did want to know about this. If it was what he thought it might be, it could lead to nothing but trouble. Steve was giving him the option to just turn away from it and maybe have a decent day, but he wasn’t sure he could now.

“That depends.” He answered, looking him in the eyes. “Did I.. he do something?”

“He didn’t do anything.” Steve told him, watching him carefully. “He just talked.”

Bucky swallowed hard, for some reason feeling nervous about this. “About what?” He asked, not sure really wanted the answer.

“Buck.” Steve said softly, running his hand comfortingly over his back. “We don’t have to talk about it if you want to.”

He was giving him the out yet again. He loved him for that. But he knew he was going to take it if he kept giving him that option as well. There was a part of him, in voice he recognized, that told him he needed to hear this. To start to acknowledge this issue in his head. This split. Fracture as Amelia called it.

“Tell me what he said.” He asked, his voice dry. “I can handle it.”

“Are you sure.”

“Yes I am.” He said adamantly. “Stop enabling me okay?”

“Okay.” Steve said softly, his hand still on Bucky’s back, soft and comforting. “He said I needed to ask about the room.” He looked in his eyes steadily. “The one with the blinking light.”

A flash of a hanging light bulb blinking spasmodically and a searing pain going surging through his body, came upon him suddenly. He literally flinched, and Steve saw this and got up a little with concern, wrapping his arm a little more around his back.

“It’s okay Buck.” Steve told him, getting up a little more and turning to him, letting his arm wrap around him a little more. “I’m here.”

He tried to shake it off, but the residue of it was still there, lingering in his nerves. Like a muscle memory.  He remembered the electricity they used in that room. And how they used it. It was something he’d just barely touched upon with Amelia but hadn’t mentioned it to Steve at all. Didn’t want to. Didn’t want him thinking about where they’d used that thing on him. 

Getting himself a little under control, Bucky got up on his knees and smoothed his own hair back. “What did he tell you about it?” He asked, trying to keep his voice even if he didn’t feel steady.

“You’re the one that told me Buck.” Steve told him as he sat up himself in front of him. “You just used his voice.”

“You know what I mean Steve.” He felt himself snap a little. “This is not the time for fucking semantics.”

Steve sighed at that and Bucky felt a little bad about his tone, but he really could only deal with one thing at a time right now. He flicked his eyes up at him and let him know he was sorry but didn’t vocalize it at the moment.

“Are you sure you want to know?” Steve asked, looking at him with concern.

Bucky closed his eyes and leaned back a little. He could feel Steve’s hand on his leg, but he didn’t touch him anywhere else. He seemed to sense that he didn’t want that. And after a moment he removed the hand too. Steve always understood when Bucky didn’t want to be touched and this was one of those moments. When he shut himself down and closed himself off and he needed these too. He wrapped his arms around him defensively as to reiterate this.

And right now, his mind was tormented by what he might know. And something else as well. A shadow of something else.

“I’m not sure.” He answered honestly.

“What is it?” Steve asked, with more concern. “Tell me.”

His memory cut off at a certain point. Making him wonder if the Soldier had taken over during the worst of it. Because the next thing he remembered after that last, hideous torture session was being chained to the wall, covered in blood. There was a tickle of something but.. he didn’t want to think about it too much. He wondered if Steve knew what had happened in between. If the Soldier had told him. But he could not bring himself to ask that question.

“I think I did something.” He said out loud, opening his eyes and staring into nothing. “I don’t know what it is.” He turned his eyes to Steve. “Maybe I don’t wanna know.”

Steve just looked at him sympathetically, still not touching him. Respecting his space for the moment. He was grateful for that.

“What do you think you did?” Steve asked him.

“I don’t know.” He answered honestly. “I really don’t.”

He could feel the electric charge running through his body. Could feel the searing pain from the many places they’d used it. And when it was inside his body, it was horrifying. His head was still there. Even if this had only recently been recalled in the last few months, his head had been in that room for a long time. Memories triggered by flickering lights and loud fans.

By the sounds of bootheels on concrete.

The multitude of horrors and humiliations that had occurred in that place he’d carried with him almost on his own until he started to open that damn door in therapy. But he’d only opened it a little. Had only scratched the surface of the pain. It had been so private for so long sharing it was difficult.

He’d written some of it down in his notebooks. But no one read those.

It was a secret he and the Soldier had kept but now, it was starting to come out. A little at a time. And he was realizing that along with the pain and shame of these things that had happened in there was relief as well. That he wasn’t carrying it all alone anymore.

But he also sensed the Soldier had a secret of his own. And that maybe he’d shared that with Steve. And whatever that was scared the shit out of him.

Bucky tightened his arms around himself, still sending that signal that he didn’t want to be touched, even though part of him did. Part of him wanted Steve’s around him. Wanted to feel that protection and safety. But the other part of him needed the space. That part didn’t feel safe to be touched yet.

And for the first time today he wanted a cigarette in his hand as well.

He felt filmy, like there was a layer on his skin again, another reason he didn’t want to be touched. Feeling like he needed a shower just to get it off and maybe he’d feel better. Maybe he could deal with this better. To deal with the bit of anger he felt under the surface too. The one he wasn’t sure where the focus of it was.

It just a bad general feeling he had right now.

“What is it Buck?” He heard Steve ask, seeing the body language and turmoil on his face. “Tell me.”

“I can’t right now.” He told Steve a little curtly. “I need a shower.”

“Okay.” Steve told him, keeping that soft tone. “Do what you gotta do.”

Getting up off the bed, Bucky felt like he needed to apologize for the tone but couldn’t bring himself to right now. He felt so angry and out of sorts again and needed to get away from Steve for fear of what he might say next. He’d said some ugly things yesterday and didn’t want to repeat that behavior again. So he just nodded and cleared the room.

He turned the water on first, pulling off his bed clothes and waited for it to get warm. And then flipped the switch on for the shower fan. Which turned out to be a fateful thing because today was the day it chose to start malfunctioning. But he didn’t notice it at first. Not until he was in the shower under the hot water.

It was low in the background, but the fan was making an audible noise that his subconscious was picking up on, along with the minute flickering that came from the light. And once he became more aware of it, it began to affect him in an unsettling way.

His mind was already on hyper-alert and with the thoughts whirling like they did it shouldn’t have been a surprise that it happened the way that it did.

His vision blurred, which had nothing to do with the steam around him, and everything shifted. And he was there again.

_They were doing it again, restraining him with straps and shocking him.  He was screaming, the pain coursing through him, because of course they’d made sure to wet him down first too. To make that electricity moved faster through him._

_“Sometimes you behave.” The brutal voice said, yanking his hair as he did it. “Sometimes you don’t. This must be corrected.”_

_And the chief sadist had it jammed in a place that made damn sure the pain was maximum level. His other hand had a good grip on his hair and his voice, that horrid voice he would hear in his nightmares was commanding him to obey._

_“Comply”_

_Another bolt of electricity and he’d had enough. He could feel the metal fingers of his left arm curled into a fist. And even the broken ones in his other arm tried to as well. Power surged through his body and his arms tore the straps from the hook and he threw him off him effortlessly. And the carnage began._

_The first one who went for him got the knife in the gut, the knife in him up the hild, that bleed all over his metal arm. The second got his head smashed violently into the nearest wall, coving him in more blood. He could hear the crack of his skull echoing in his head and it just fueled the blood rage._

_He picked up the electric prod they’d been using on him repeatedly for what seemed like ages. The thing that had been either pressed to skin in various places, or inserted when they really wanted to make a point. It had a blue spark when you hit the button and it could be dialed up as high as 10._

_He put it on max._

_His chief tormentor was still alive, sitting against the wall with blood running down his face. Bucky had,  throwing them off, tossed him right into the wall and briefly knocked him out. And he had plans for him now. He saw him look up at him, the blood on his face obscuring his face, hiding the features from Bucky’s mind forever.  He looked defiant. Hell he looked almost proud._

_“You’re finally ready Soldier. Very good.”_

_Bucky stood there for a moment in front of him, bloody, bruised and completely naked. They’d always stripped him when they did this. Which was a lot. He reached out and grabbed him by the throat, his fingers digging into the flesh so much little bits of it became imbedded into his fingers. And the man’s throat was being constricted so much he was practically choking on his own blood.  If he squeezed any tighter he’d be dead._

_But Bucky was not done with him yet._

_He jammed into to his mouth, almost to the back of his through, unaware of the symbolism of this until much later. “Comply.” He hissed. And pulled the trigger._

_He heard screaming, and it was his own voice as he fired him._

And then he was back. Kneeling on the floor of the shower, the water raining on his head. His body shaking with the memory of this. He couldn’t breath properly, taking in huge gulps of air, his hear racing.

Everything was still blurry. Still out of focus.

But the dam light was still blinking above him, and he needed it to stop. Without thinking he turned the water off and climbed on the side of the tub reaching for the cover. He needed to stop it.  To stop the light, to stop the noise because the horrid images wouldn’t leave his head.

He hadn’t just killed his abusers. He annihilated them. It was terrifying.

_“You are ready Soldier..”_

He swung with his metal hand and broke the cover. Needing to make the noise stop. Needing the light to stop blinking before he went mad.

The cover clunked loudly as it landed on the floor and he started to dig those same fingers into grated, trying to get at the damn bulb. To rip it out and the fan as well. To just… make it stop.

\--

Steve heard the clunk in the bathroom, sounding something falling and for some reason this alarmed him. It could’ve been something falling over. Bucky could’ve just bumped into something but for some reason it concerned him.

He had a flash of that night when he’d cut his wrist, of hearing the razor fall on the tile floor through the door. He didn’t completely believe that Bucky would do something like that but the way he’d looked earlier hadn’t been good. 

“Bucky?” He called out, going to the bathroom door. “Everything okay?”

He heard another clank in there, sounding like something else getting tossed on the floor, and no answer from Bucky. So he tired the door and found it to be unlocked. Going in he opened it and was surprised by what he saw there.

Bucky was standing with one foot on the ledge in the stall and the other on the edge of the tub. Completely naked and still wet from the shower, and he appeared to be trying to remove the light bulb from the fan above. And it was the fact that he was still, in fact, very wet, that filled Steve with alarm. And even more so when he saw the obsessive look on his face.

“What are you doing?” He asked stepping over and trying to steady him. “Bucky?”

“It keeps blinking and it needs to stop.” Bucky seemed to mumble. “And the damn fan… “

Steve took a deep breath, realizing what was going on. “Come down.” He told him gently, putting his hands on his waist to steady him more. “We’ll fix it later okay?”

“It needs to stop Steve.” Bucky replied, digging his hand ever closer to the electric circuit. “I need to make it stop.”

“You’re still wet.” He tried to explain. “You’re gonna get electrocuted.”

Bucky looked down at him almost like he was annoyed by this, and that look, and his state of undress might have enticing under different circumstances but right now it was just frightening because he clearly was not thinking clearly.

“Think I’m scared of that?” He grumbled and reached back in for the bulb. “After what they did to me..”

Steve looked at him sadly for a moment, understanding what he meant by that, but he was damned if he was going to let him hurt himself. He stepped back and flipped the switch, turning the power off the offending light and fan and turned back to Bucky, who blinked in surprise at this.  As if he’d forgotten there was a switch. And maybe, in this frantic state he was in, he had.

“It’s off see?” Steve told him, putting his hands around Bucky’s waist again. “Now come on down.”

Bucky looked down at him, biting his lip. “It’s gotta be fixed.” He insisted again.

“I know Buck.” He said softly to him. “But not now okay?”

Nodding he finally took his hand out of the panel where the light was and put them both on Steve’s shoulders letting him help him down. Once his feet were solidly on the floor his hands seemed to clutch onto Steve’s arms as if steadying himself.

“I’m sorry.” He said in a shaky voice. “I just wanted it to stop.”

Steve smiled softly and brushed some of his wet hair back. “Well next time try using the switch alright?” He told him and pressed a soft kiss to this head. “It’s safer you know?”

He reached over and grabbed a towel and started drying him off because he was still almost dripping wet. It was a rather large towel and wrapped it around him, covering him. He was after all wearing nothing but his tags, which he never took off, and was shivering slightly. Steve then wrapped his arms around him and held him, feeling him bury his face in shoulder.

“I remembered all of it.” He heard Bucky say into his shoulder. “I know what I did.”

Steve stepped back a little and put his hands on his face. “They were hurting you.” He told him, keeping his voice steady. “You did what you had to do.”

“I know.” Bucky replied, in that resigned tone Steve had unfortunately gotten very used to hearing. “But I didn’t just kill them… I destroyed them.”

He looked in Bucky’s eyes, seeing the horror in them. Not necessarily regret, just a look that spoke volumes. The one that said he felt like a monster. His dispatch of his abusers had been bloody and brutal, full of rage and pain and he was sure he was terrified of this. Terrified of what he was capable of when pushed that hard.

Steve himself actually thought that their punishment was fitting. That they might have gotten off easy in his mid. But he couldn’t tell Bucky that right now. He needed time to process what he’d remembered. To come to his own conclusions on it.

What he needed now was to be supported and cared for while he did that.

“Come on.” He said as he gently pulled him with him. “Lets get you dressed and fed.”

Bucky nodded and went along willingly enough, seemingly lost in his own head for the time being.

\--

He sat at the table, eating without much gusto. Doing it more for Steve than himself.  His mind was a mess yet again, processing memories he didn’t want, but couldn’t push away at the moment.

He had always accepted on some level that he was a killer. Had a lot of bodies to his credit

 and felt the guilt over it strongly. Even though he knew it wasn’t totally his fault he still felt that guilt.  Carried it with him, feeling he owed his victims at least that. He understood his circumstances, that he may have had little choice in it, and had learned in a way, to live with that in spite of it. 

Hell even during the war he’d had to kill people, had taken out many an enemy and had at least been able to understand, and even justify it to some degree. Job, duty, things like that. Didn’t mean he liked it but at least he was making decisions in his right mind., for what he believed was the greater good. But he’d never liked or enjoy it in any way. It had never come naturally to him. To get anything like that out of it.

But what had happened in that room had been so fundamentally altering to his psyche that he couldn’t process it properly. Because it had been born of such pain and anger, and had been so bloody, brutal and _personal_. He’d never killed anyone like that. Even the Winter Soldier didn’t kill like that. It was usually precise and clean, and deliberate. There was no desire to do harm, just complete the mission efficiently. At least from what he could remember of it.

He had _wanted_ to kill them in that room though. To mutilate and destroy them. And he had done just that. And remembered feeling a strange sense of satisfaction in it before he recovered himself.

And he just couldn’t reconcile that with who he was yet.

Bucky sat there in the kitchen, staring at his food, wanting a cigarette more than anything right now. Or a bottle of whiskey. Anything thing to dull these memories. Because right now all he could see was the blood he’d spilled reflecting the flickering of the light.

It was making him a bit nauseous.

“I don’t think I can eat anymore.” He told Steve, shaking his head. “I tried I just.. can’t.”

“That’s fine.” Steve replied, reaching over and brushing some of his hair back. “You need me to call Amelia?”

He thought about it, letting the feel of Steve’s fingers on his forehead relax him a little. “Not today.” He said finally, turning his eyes to him. “I just need a day or so you know?”

“Alright.” Steve replied, getting up and kissing him softly on the head. “We can just stay in then.”

Bucky watched Steve clear the plates as he sat there at the table, a half-finished cup of coffee in front of him. He reached for it absently and drank some of it. The images played in his head, the flickering light, the way the man’s legs jerked as turned the power on the max. The smell of blood and burning flesh. It seemed so contradictory to where he was now. A clean kitchen filled with light in this place that was his home.

He suddenly didn’t feel like he belonged here.

“Steve?” He asked suddenly, getting his attention. “How much did he tell you?”

Bucky knew Steve knew exactly who he was talking about. He hadn’t wanted to know earlier but now he did. He needed to know just how much Steve knew about what had happened in that room. Even though he was afraid to find out.

“He told me enough Buck.” Steve answered, looking at him softly as he crouched in front of him.

Bucky swallowed hard. “Did he tell you about the electrical stick?” He asked tentatively, thinking he might have already known the answer. “And what they did with it?”

“Yeah.” Steve answered with a tender look on his face. “He did.”

He felt himself shake a little at this. Wondering how Steve was going to treat him now, knowing this. Worried that it would be different now. But he couldn’t voice that yet, because there was something else he needed to confess.

“Did he tell you what I did with it?”

Steve looked pained at that question. Almost as if he something.  But whether he did or not, it didn’t matter. He needed to tell him. To get it out in the open and absolve himself of what he was feeling inside.

“No and you don’t have to tell me either Buck.” Steve told him, taking his hand. “It’s okay.”

Bucky smiled sadly at him. “You’re such an enabling punk you know that?” He told him. “Always trying to give me a goddamn out.” He gripped Steve’s hands tight in his and looked in his eyes. “But I need to tell you.”

Steve nodded, understanding this but at the same time seemed reluctant. But he didn’t stop him, just put his hands on his face, holding it as if to help steady him. Bucky held his gaze, looking into those eyes, and let himself say it.

“I made him eat it.” He said evenly. “I turned the power up and shoved it down his throat and watched as he burned from the inside.” He kept his eyes fixed on Steve. “And then I beat his head into the wall until there was nothing left of it.”

He had told Steve that he’d never seen his face, but the truth was he had obliterated in his mind the way his hand had obliterated the real thing. He was just the faceless monster in boots who’d raped and tortured him into madness and murder. Who had created the killer he’d become with his merciless abuse. Who along with Zola, was the true architect of the Winter Soldier.

One had just mutilated the body, and the other had destroyed the mind. After that it had been easy for Hydra to do the rest.

He could feel Steve’s hands on his face, see the soft the look in his eyes. “It’s okay Buck.” He whispered to him. “It’s okay..”

“I’m not sorry.” He continued, still toneless, as if confessing a sin. “I’m not.”

He wasn’t, but he also remembered the nothingness that had come after as well. The hollow void in his mind once the rage had passed. Which had then filled with pain and a strange kind of sorrow that he couldn’t face.  A sorrow for himself.  And he had retreated, allowing the Winer Soldier to gain control. He let him have it.  And he felt that hollowness now as he relived it all over again.

And then he felt Steve’s arm around him, pulling him to him and he just let him, pressing his face into his shoulder, closing his eyes tiredly. He felt exhausted, drained and just let himself be held

“I broke that damn light too.” He murmured against his shoulder. “It finally stopped blinking..”

\--

Bucky had wanted some time to himself outside and Steve had given it to him. He could see he was struggling with himself to a large degree and sometimes he needed space and time to sort through it.  So he was out on the fire escape getting fresh air.  It normally would’ve been the time he’d be smoking but he didn’t have any now.

He was starting to find a way to cope without them, and even though Steve knew he was in a great deal of pain at least he was trying in that sense.

His confession about how he’d dispatched his main abuser was rough no doubt it, and Steve had a felt a strange mix of pride and pain in the knowledge that he’d done it himself. Pride in that he had been the one to give that sadist piece of shit what he had coming to him, but sadness  that he was driven to that point. And that it had tormented him so much.

Steve himself kept feeling that guilt, that sense that he could’ve prevented this had just been able to reach a little further out and keep him from falling that day. That he could’ve prevented all those operations and experiments, all that torture and pain, if he just been able to reach him. He knew rationally but he might not have been able to do it, that it might’ve been impossible, but in head he kept remembering that brush of the fingers right before he fell.

Things like that can drive you mad. A matter of inches that alters a life forever.

After about an hour or so he decided to check on him, opening the window he climbed out on the fire escape himself and saw Bucky sitting on the ledge, his feet hanging over the side like they used to sit when they were kids. His hands were clasped together over the lower rung of the railing, his  hair blowing around in the light, late April breeze, that one that signaled spring. His blue eyes, looking clouded, seemed to be staring into the distance as if staring down the sky.

He looked beautiful in that haunted way of his.

“My if I join you?”

Bucky turned and squinted up at him. “It’s a free country.”

“Yeah.” He agreed as he sat down. “For now.”

He watched Bucky look down at his feet, which were swinging over the edge of the ledge like he used to do when he was kid. When they were idiots sneaking smokes out of his dads drawer and clandestine smoking them out on the fire escape. Or on the roof. Sometimes they sat out there and shot the shit when things were quite so complicated.  He thought maybe Bucky was thinking about this. Trying to uncomplicate his thoughts.

“You know you should try not think so hard.” Steve teased slightly, trying to get him out of his thoughts. “Might hurt yourself.”

“You’re so hilarious Rogers.” Bucky shot back, with a ghost of a smile on his face. “You should do stand-up.”

“So I’ve been told.” He replied and then looked at him seriously. “Are you okay?”

Bucky sighed and looked down at his hands again. “I don’t know.” He answered. “I really don’t.”  

“Wanna talk about it?”

“I feel like I’ve done enough talking.” Bucky told him, looking at him with those eyes of his. “I don’t know what else to say.” He ran his hand through his hair, smoothing it back. “I’m just exhausted.”

Taking a chance, he put his arm around him, and Bucky didn’t really resist, in fact kind leaned against him a little. He felt his head lay against his shoulder as if resting, reiterating that exhausted claim.

“I’m here okay?” He told him, rubbing him arm comfortingly. “I always will be.”

Bucky nodded against his shoulder and stayed quiet for a while, letting his own arm find its way around Steve’s back. Steve could almost feel how wound up and tight his body still was, as if holding on to himself hard. Keeping a tight lid on his emotions. Sometimes he wished he’d let them go, let himself really feel them and not be afraid of it.  Of showing that pain and weakness instead always trying to contain and control it.

“I’m sorry.” Bucky said after a while.

“What did you do this time jerk?”

Bucky seemed to sigh heavily. “I didn’t tell you about it.” He explained. “I remembered a lot of.. that and I didn’t want you to know.” He turned his head to look at him and Steve could see shame in them now. “I didn’t want you to.. treat me differently.”

He felt slightly taken aback by this. “I would never treat you differently. “ He told him. “None of that was your fault.”

Bucky looked at him steadily. “You know what I mean.”

And that moment he did know. He was thinking about things like yesterday. The way they’d gone at each other. How rough it had been he knew Bucky was afraid, not that Steve wouldn’t want him, but would be too careful with him. Because it had happened before, when he’d first started remembering those abuses. He didn’t want to be treated differently. He supposed it was a way for him to feel normal, it might’ve been why he pushed his buttons sometimes. Some of that stuff early on may have been to punish himself but now, it was a way reclaiming himself from what they’d done to him.  Steve could definitely understand that line of thinking.

But he always bee watchful just the same, just to make sure.

“I meant what I said yesterday.” Bucky went on explaining. “Nothing you do hurts me like that.”  He leaned against him, letting his right shoulder lean against Steve’s chest. “I know the difference now.”

Steve smiled softly in relief at that statement. “I’m glad.

“I don’t know how to feel about what happened and what I did thought.” Bucky told him, that haunted look back. “Or about.. him…and what he is.. You understand?”

“I get it Buck.” He said softly, touching his face gently. “One thing at a time.” He stared into those deep blue eyes steadily. “Just remember I love you. That will never change.”

Bucky smiled and Steve thought he saw tears in his eyes. He turned a little more and took Steve’s face in his hands. “I don’t know why you do but.” He whispered, brushing their lips together. “I really fucking love you too punk.”

 They kissed softly for what seemed like a very long time, and Steve could definitely feel the tears in his eyes. The pain he was feeling in that silent fall. He was always so quiet about his grief he’d noticed. The way the tears had stood in his eyes in Siberia when he’d realized what he’d done.  He felt Bucky pull back and bury his face in his shoulder, letting more spill out silently and he held him like that right on the fire escape, his hand cradling the back of his head.

He hoped that someday he could make peace with himself, in all the different ways he needed to but for now he would just have to do the best he could for his big, ornery bear.

“God I need a cigarette.” Bucky said into his shoulder, nuzzling it a little. “You sure you don’t got any?”

Steve chuckled a little and kissed his head. “I am.” He answered, rubbing his back. “And I’m not getting you any either.”

He felt Bucky smile against his shoulder. “It was worth a shot.”

He smiled and just sat there on the fire escape with him, on what was turning into a beautiful spring day in Brooklyn. He thought about after his mother had died and he thought he was completely alone.  Sitting out on a fire escape just like this. And how Bucky had come out with him, had comforted him in that moment and many others like it. When no one else had bothered. He had let him grieve on his shoulder and had never made him feel bad or weak about doing it.

Even when he’d had nothing, he had Bucky. 

If anyone ever questioned why he’d fight so hard for him that’s all he needed to say. It was a worth fight. No matter what darkness as plaguing his head he would fight through it with him. His whole world was wrapped up in his arms right now.

“It’s gonna be alright Buck.” He whispered into his hair. “We’ll get through this.”

Bucky just nodded into his shoulder, content to just sit like this for as long as possible. And so was Steve. So they just stayed on the fire escape for a while and let it all settle for now. It was relatively quiet and warm and very calming for the time being.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I will admit parts of this chapter were very hard to write but it was necessary to show exactly why this particular source of his PTSD is very strong, I hope it wasn't too disturbing and if it was I am sorry. 
> 
> Torture by electricity is unfortunately a common method used around the world, in despot countries and civilized ones as well (including my own I'm sad to say) as a means of interrogations. It is also used as punishment and for 're-education' (aka brainwashing) in some sectors too. And the methods used in this chapter, have unfortunately have actually been used. I'm against it every possible way and wanted to make that very clear that things like this are horrible practices. 
> 
> The lights have mentioned since Chapter 6 as a trigger for his PTSD and how that works is the mind is stuck in that moment on an endless loop, holding on to details that constantly trigger memories. Until the underlying trauma is face and dealt with, many can stay in this state for a very long time. Bucky has been in that cycle for a while as you've noticed and is working to repair it.
> 
> The killing of his abusers was something I was planning for a while, and was spurred on by several posts I've read from people lamenting that Bucky never really had much autonomy in be able to confront/deal with the people who hurt him and I thought wouldn't it be great if he'd gotten his hands on at least one of them. As mind-breaking as it was for him, he handled that one himself. And like Steve i'm proud but at the same time sad because Bucky is not a violent person by nature, which is born out in canon. 
> 
> i like the idea of WS sort of opening the door for him and speaking for him in ways that he can't speak for himself right now. Even if Bucky is wary of this right now it's actually helping him in a lot of ways. As the splintered part of his mind that protected him for as long as it did. And can see that he is the calmer and more practical part of Bucky that kept him alive for as long as it. 
> 
> Steve's wondering what Bucky would look like when he's put back together is something that interests me, because WS is essentially the fractured off part of his mind and to see him whole again would be quite a sight wouldn't it?
> 
> Anyways I promise the next chapter will be much lighter, it will be a healing chapter in a lot of ways, showing real forward progress and a surprise new addition to his life that i'm sure you guys are going to love :)
> 
> And once again, thank you for the lovely comments and kudos you all are awesome and *Muah*


	23. Chapter 23 - Closer to Fine

The brush moved across the canvas as he worked, adding the small amount of color to what was otherwise more of a grey toned picture. Filling in the star was important. And the little rivet of blood too, let’s not forget that.

Bucky sat back and studied what he’d done for a moment. It was, in a way, a self-portrait. Himself as the Winter Soldier, from what he could remember of it. It may have been a harsh look at it, with a lot of black jagged lines and edged, but he felt it was accurate in terms of his feelings about it and himself. The Soldier was turned, with hi back facing the viewer, his head looking back over his left shoulder, a knife in the hand, with that ever-present blood on both.  It was interesting to him that the only colored parts were the star, the blood and the blue of his eyes. He didn’t know what it meant in terms of psychology, supposing Amelia would know better. He turned it over in his mind a little at he sat there.

He had taken up the painting recently as another way of expressing himself and the turmoil of emotions in his head these days. Especially since those memories had come back and overwhelmed his head. To the point where he was having nightmares virtually every night. Some of them screamers that woke up Steve. Who had to hold him as he shook from them, sometimes even sobbing until he fell back asleep curled up in his arms.

They were always the same, images of his torture and abuse. Of slaughtering those same abusers. In wonderful techicolor that would make Disney jealous.

Tonight, he simply couldn’t sleep, and instead of waking Steve, he had elected to go in and paint for a while. To get the images out of his head.

And along with the journal writing, it seemed to help, which was probably why Amelia had suggested it. Among other things that could help him cope while they were working through this latest breakghrough.

Steve had set aside a room for him in the house to do this, just like he had a darkroom for his photography as well. Steve liked to develop some of his own pictures, even though ‘there was this thing called digital cameras Rogers’ Tony had told him apparently told him. And his impression of Tony had cracked up Bucky up when he did it. One of the few times he’d had a belly laugh in the last couple of weeks.

Because to be honest, Bucky had been a funk lately that he hadn’t been able to get himself out of.  It didn’t stop him from going out, having lunch with Sam and going to the VA and the meetings. Or just taking walks.

And hanging out with Wanda. Who had, in a short period of time, become a pretty good friend. Bucky had felt a strange brotherly affection for her, being reminded of his sister Becca a bit. But there were other reasons too.

Because she seemed to understand him. Understood what it was like to feel dangerous and unstable. To not be able to trust yourself. She was a breath of fresh air in many ways for him too because she was younger and gave him much more of a youthful, yet mature perspective on life in general. Even thought she was scarred like him, she’d found a way to overcome it and having her around had helped too.

In fact, it was Wanda who’d helped find the proper brushes and paints and had, along with Steve and Amelia, encouraged him to do this as well. He was grateful that she’d come into his life, adding new dimensions to it.

It was good to have friends. Not that Steve wasn’t enough for him, but people like Sam and Wanda had widened his circle a bit.

And there was another thing he was mulling as well, giving some heavy thought too. Another suggestion as well. And not just from his therapist, from Wanda as well. He was so distracted by these thoughts that he didn’t even notice Steve had come in the room until he sat behind hi on the bench and slid his arms around him from behind, starling him slightly.

“That’s a good way to get killed Rogers.” He grumbled, annoyed that he could sneak up on his like this.

Steve chuckled at that and nuzzled his neck, knowing Bucky said that all the time and there was no weight behind it at all. Because there wasn’t. Steve was the only person in the world that could not only sneak up on him but put his arms around him like this. And he knew his touch intimately. Actually felt himself lean back into it a little, still holding the brush in his hand.

‘”You don’t scare me gorgeous.” He purred in his ear. “You’re just a big grumpy bear.”

Bucky actually smiled a little to himself at that little term of endearment. “Only with you punk.” He told him, dipping the brush in some paint. “No one else.”

“What are you doing up?”

“Couldn’t sleep.” Bucky answered, concentrating on his work. “Didn’t want to wake you.”

He felt Steve nod against his shoulder. “You alright?”

“I don’t know.” He answered honestly. “Just got a lot on my mind that’s all.”

“I know.” Steve said softly. “Its okay.”

Bucky knew it was an understatement to say that. Every time he closed his eyes lately all he could see was that damn room. With that annoying light. Steve had, over the course of the last couple of weeks had made sure to replace any lights in the house that did that flickering thing, and make sure they were adjusted properly. He knew full well it was one of his triggers and made sure to keep that to a minimum while he worked on it in therapy, and Bucky thought this was so typically sweet of him to do. There was a time when he would’ve considered it coddling but not now. He knew it was.

He was simply trying to make him feel safe and comfortable and Bucky loved him for that.

“It looks good.” Steve observed, looking the painting over Bucky’s shoulder. “Very expressive.”

“Yeah I supposed.” Bucky noted, filling the red star a little bit more. “Could use more color I suppose.”

Steve nodded on his shoulder and kissed his neck softly. “I guess it could. I mean your hair is brown not black.” He said, interlocking his hands around Bucky’s waist. “And your eyes are more of teal color.” He planted another kiss where his neck and shoulder met. “Like the ocean.”

“Is that so?”

“Yeah it is so.” Steve whispered in his ear. “And that is pretty goddamn beautiful.”

Those observations had the effect of making him flush a little. The way Steve noticed the color of his eyes, because Bucky himself didn’t take a lot of time to really look at them. To see the inlay of color this way. He didn’t tend to study himself too much in the mirror because sometimes he still didn’t like what he saw there.

He felt Steve’s hand lift from his waist and entwine his fingers with the one holding the brush. And brought it down to the color palette. Moving it around until he found the blue and green and stirred some together. He let Bucky finish, resting his hand on his wrist as he did it.

“That’s the color right there.”

Steve did have a good eye for these things. A photographer’s eye.

Bucky lifted the brush and corrected the color on the eyes in the painting, Steve’s head resting on his shoulder the whole time, watching him work on those small details. The eye color popped out of what was mostly a black and white painting and the effect was interesting he had to say.

Picking up a different brush he tried to find the brown as well and when he did, he mixed it in with the black and silver in the hair and created a layer effect that actually looked quite good for an amateur he had to admit. And Steve seemed to nod approval on his shoulder.

“See?” Steve said again in his ear. “You’re beautiful.”

Bucky bit his lip a little studying it. “Even with the knife?” He asked almost tentatively. “And the blood.”

“Yes.” Whispered Steve in reply, lips practically right in his ear. “Even with that.”

He felt a bit overwhelmed by that idea, that even stained with blood Steve still thought that way. In spite of everything he knew, nothing had changed. The masochistic part of himself thought it should’ve. He turned slightly to him, questioningly.

“How is that possible?” He asked with a slight despair in his voice. “How?”

“Because it’s still you Buck.” Steve told him, raising his hand and turning his face more to him. “And I love every part of you. “ He brushed their lips together. “Even the parts you don’t like.”

Bucky felt that overwhelming feeling again and had no answer for it. He just turned himself further around onto Steve’s lap, until his legs were hanging on either of him. Once in position Steve’s his slid into Bucky’s hair and fisted it softly and pulled his lips to his, kissing him deeply. Bucky moaned softly against his lips and gripped Steve’s bed-shirt with paint-stained fingers, smearing it with paint. He loved the feel of Steve’s hands in his hair like that, gripping it tightly pulling him further into the kiss.

His abuser had grabbed his hair too, but to hurt and humiliate. This was different and Bucky knew it. It made him feel loved and desired. He would never let them take it from him after they’d taken so much else. This was his and he loved it, turning his head to get a better angle, his tongue dancing deliciously against Steve’s as they made out right there in the art room.

“Hmm.” Mused Steve against his lips, pulling him closer. “Think I should take you back to bed..”

“You think so huh?” Bucky asked, pulling his lips away too look in his eyes. “What makes you think I want to go punk?” He smiled teasingly. “I mean I am in the middle of something here.”

Steve leaned over and bit softly on his neck, causing a low moan to escape him. “Cause I got plans for you jerk.” He purred into his ear and Bucky moaned again at that. “Something to help you sleep.”

Bucky smiled to himself, thinking he liked that idea a lot actually. He wrapped his right around his neck, smearing that with paint as well, and kissed him again hungrily, pushing away what was left of his melancholy for now.

“Okay then Captain.” He whispered against his lips, leaning into him again. “If you insist.”

Steve smiled and got a good grip on Bucky’s thighs. “Oh I insist Sergeant.”

He let Steve stand up, basically lifting him into his arms, which never ceased to turn him on. He let his legs wrap around Steve, his paint stained hand gripping the back of Steve’s white t-shirt, leaving more red, brown and teal smears on the back of it. Was going to have to throw that in the laundry. But that was a problem for another day.

Because to be honest Steve Rogers was his favorite sleeping pill, once he was happily addicted to. And no urge to kick.

\--

Steve had elected to pay some serious attention to Bucky’s shoulder as they lay in bed in the deep watched of the night. He loved the way Bucky reacted to him touching and kissing that scar tissue. The soft moans, and the way Bucky clawed gently at his back with his other hand were well worth it him.

And it was important care as well. It had a dual purpose.

The metal edges of his shoulder had been designed by Shuri in Wakonda to be able to be folded back, so the skin underneath it could be cleaned and taken care of. Something Hydra hadn’t bothered to do, and the raw skin underneath had gotten infected on many occasions, causing Bucky unnecessary discomfort over the years. They hadn’t exactly been interested in his comfort, only his usefulness.

Steve had folded over one of those flaps and was lavishing attention on that sensitive wounded skin in the sweet afterglow of pleasuring him. The window was open, letting in the cool air of that night in late May that was cooling their heated bodies. It was well after midnight the room only lit by the ambient light from outside and a low nightlight by the door.

He was paying attention to the arm for another reason as well. Because lately Bucky had been reluctant to touch him with it. Especially anywhere near his neck or face. This happened sometimes, he went through phases like this when he remembered things he done with the other arm, and he hadn’t pushed it too much because he eventually got past it. But tonight, he wanted to give it a little extra attention.

“This is kind of beautiful.” Steve told him, trailing his fingers over some of the gold inlays in the metal. “Just like you.”

Bucky seemed to scoff at that. “It’s kind of meant to destroy Steve.” He replied, looking up at the ceiling. “Don’t know how that’s beautiful.”

Steve got the meaning in that rather quickly. Bucky wasn’t just talking abut his arm, he was also talking about himself. He’d been up and down lately, maybe more the latter, ever since he’d recalled the horrors in that room and how he’d responded to them. He knew there was that part of him that still thought of himself as an ugly monster, only meant for destruction. And Steve had done his level best to prove otherwise.

“That’s not what it was meant for you know?” He told him sternly. “That’s just what they made you think.” He picked up the fingers of it and kissed them. “It’s not the same one anyways.”

“I could still kill you with it.” Bucky told him still looking at the ceiling. “I almost did once remember?”

He remembered that, and the way he’d reacted to it. Cutting his wrist with a razor blade out of despair and he knew the idea of that still plagued him even now. Still afraid that he could wake up with his hand around his throat again. Especially with the things he’d remembered lately.  Even though it was clear the Soldier no longer saw Steve as a threat to Bucky. Meaning whatever subconscious motivation for that attack there had been was gone now. But Bucky still wasn’t sure about it that was clear.

“it’s not gonna happen again Buck.” He whispered to him. “He won’t hurt me and neither will you.”

Bucky still wouldn’t look at him. “I think of all the times I could’ve killed you.. when I was him.. and then.” His voice was choked with emotion. “that night.. and what I did in that room and I just..”  He finally turned his eyes back to Steve. “I’m scared okay?”

Steve pressed his palm against the back that particular hand and entwined their fingers together before lifting it and placing it on his own chest, right below his neck. He looked down into Bucky’s eyes, his other bracing himself on the bed next to Bucky’s head.

“You’re not gonna hurt me.” He whispered. “See?”

Bucky bit his lip again. “I still could.”

“Do you trust me?”

“Of course I do.”

He smiled softly and slid Bucky’s metal fingers up to the side of his neck. “Then trust yourself.” He whispered. “It’s okay.”

He took his own hand away, leaving Bucky’s resting on the side of his neck. He used that hand to brush some from hair from his face and watching him, looking nervous but not moving his hand. The metal were always surprisingly warm. Almost as if it was an actual arm. The segmented fingers giving it interesting texture as he slid them a little over his skin as if testing himself.  Steve felt those fingers slide around the back of his neck. His eyes still looked a bit troubled as he lifted himself a bit, pulling Steve gently to him with that hand until their lips touched softly.

“I’m trying.” He whispered, the thumb of that hand brushing Steve’s cheek.

Steve let his hands slide down Bucky’s waist to his hips, pulling them closer to his own. “I know you are.” He purred back, his lips brushing Bucky’s.

They laid there just like that, their faces nuzzling each other. Steve’s hands stoked Bucky’s hips softly as he lay between his legs, Bucky’s metal hand still on the back on the back of his neck. He was in no hurry moved things along yet. It was a sweetly intimate moment he felt the need to prolong, pulling his face slightly up to look into those deep blue eyes of his. The ones that reminded him of the ocean after a storm. Searching those eyes to look into that storm.

He could still see pain and fear deep within them. Which like his depressive melancholy, seemed to be ever present lately. Held under the surface as if to hide it. He was still afraid to let it fully out.

The things he’d told him, that Soldier had told, was still plaguing his mind. Haunting him with the thought he should’ve been able to protect him. That he hadn’t been there to do it. Had been sleeping in the damn ice while Bucky was being so brutally tortured. It hurt him to think about it. To think he if just could’ve reached a little further maybe…

“Steve?” Bucky whispered, pulling him from his thoughts. “What’s wrong?”

He could see the concern in Bucky’s eyes, replacing the other things he saw and pulled one of his hands up to brush his face. “Nothing.”  He told him, dipping his head down to Bucky’s neck, to that sweet spot under his ear. “Nothing at all.”

He bit down softly on that sensitive skin and Bucky moaned thickly, the metal fingers flexing slightly against the back of his neck before sliding under his hair. His hands slid over Bucky’s thighs, pulling them tighter against his own.

“Are you.. sure?” Bucky asked, starting to sound breathless.

“Yeah..” Steve replied, pulling his lips away to take his. “I’m sure..”

At that he smothered Bucky’s lips, swallowing anymore questions. And soon he was moving inside him, rocking against him softly at first, and then with more intensity as it went along. Making love to him with a soft urgency. Trying to push aside the guilt and worry he had and just concentrate on him. His body alive and moving under him, the sounds of his moans and cries singing in his ears. The feel of his skin under his hands and the way Bucky gripped him in return.

The metal fingers pressed into the back of his neck at every deep thrust. His flesh fingers doing the same on his back. The way his heel dug into his thigh. His hair spread on the pillow, his swollen lips open, begging to be kissed over and over again. And were.

The way his blue eyes glowed with pleasure when he came.

The fact that he was alive and in his arms. That he was safe now. He wasn’t being hurt anymore.

Steve buried his face in Bucky’s neck, letting his body rest between his legs. He could feel Bucky’s arms holding him to him, almost as if comforting him too. As if sensing something in him. He felt Bucky brush his lips over his ear, his hand tangled in Steve’s hair this time. And Steve did need that comfort right now.

The guilt was still there, eating at him now. Threatening to overwhelm him. But he could speak it yet, just let Bucky hold and comfort him at the moment. Reminding himself that he was here and alive and that was what mattered.

“I love you Buck.” He whispered against his skin. “I love you so damn much.”

He felt Bucky bury his own face against Steve’s neck as he held him tighter. “I love you too punk.” He said quietly in return.

They lay like that, clutching each other for different, yet similar reasons. Pulling comfort and strength from each other at a moment when they both seemed to need it. And eventually turned on their sides and fell asleep like that, still holding each other close.

\--

Bucky had been surprised by where he’d found himself the next morning, but in retrospect he realized it had been meant to be. It was strange how things worked.

Steve was out, he was hosting a self-defense instruction at the local YMCA, which could become a regular class based on the turnout. Bucky had been amused, but not surprised by how many people wanted to learn from Captain America. But also made a point of telling Steve not to get a big head  either.

“I can still kick your ass punk remember that.”

Steve had smirked over his coffee. “Sure you can jerk.” He’d replied. “How you come with me and test that theory?”

“Naw.” Bucky had told him with equal sass. “I don’t wanna embarrass you in front of a bunch of kids.”

That bout of snarkiness had resulted in a heavy make-out session against the counter that might’ve turned into more had Steve not had places to be. But it had been fun to say the least. He certainly had no regrets about it that’s for sure.

Steve also had a therapist appointment and Bucky was happy to let him get to that too. He’d sensed a mood in Steve lately too. Ever since he’d confessed his horrible secret to him. Bucky knew Steve was carrying around his own feelings about it and wanted him to come to terms with it too, among other things. He had encouraged it because he himself wasn’t the only one who needed therapy sometimes.

Even Captain America needed to sit on that couch. Bucky continually reminded Steve of this fact.

He’d thought that he didn’t have a destination in mind today himself until he’d realized that he had. A subconscious one brought on by a suggestion by Wanda the other day. Which he’d tossed around with Amelia, who also thought it might not be a bad idea to consider.

And pretty soon he found himself in front a non-descript but welcoming building with a colorful sign over the door.

The sign read: Brooklyn Animal Rescue Center.

Bucky had decided if he was going to do this that he wasn’t going to go to a damn pet store or buy one. He was going to find one here. The animals here were in needed homes, they were societies abused and abandoned animals. Hard luck cases that not everyone wanted to take on.

He could relate to that. He wanted one from here.

So he went in and took a look around seeing a variety of different animals, all of them cute, and viable candidates. Dogs and cats in different states of health and friendliness. He took his time looking around, and liked the fact that they didn’t bother or harass him like they did in stores sometimes.

Bucky was still very big on his personal space and some people didn’t respect that.

His eye was caught by a little bundle of black and white fur curled up in the back of one of the cages. As he got closer, he could see a pair of ears and a pair wary green eyes looking back at him. He recognized the look, one of mistrust and saw why when he examined the cat’s legs, which were white in contrast to the black fur on its torso and back. It looked like patches of fur were missing from what looked to Bucky like burns of some kind. It made him angry to think someone would ever hurt something that small and defenseless.

He looked at the label on the cage and it was a female, just over a year old (estimated) and here name was Arya. Which made him smile to himself. He and Steve had both watched Game of Thrones and Arya Stark was his favorite character by far. Something about that feisty girl he liked a lot. And that fact that little cat had that name, it felt meant to be.

“Hey there.” He whispered to her, seeing her little head perk up at his voice. “I like your name. Bet your feisty little thing.” Carefully, non-threateningly he put the fingers of his right hand through the bars of the cage. “What’s your story little darlin’?”

Little Arya got up tentatively and took a few steps toward him, and now Bucky could clearly see evidence of inflicted injury on her hindquarters. Thinking people were real scumbags sometimes. He wiggled his fingers in that same tentative way and waited to see if she would come closer.

“Someone hurt you didn’t they?” He asked her in that same soft voice. “I understand little love.” He smiled at her, seeing her take a tentative step closer. “Someone hurt me too. But not everyone’s like that I promise.”

He saw himself in the wary way she approached, that mistrustful look of someone who’d been through a lot of shit and expected nothing else. Who didn’t trust anyone’s intentions with good reason. And he wanted to show this sweet little thing that should could trust people again. Just like Steve and others had taught him to do all over again. He still wasn’t all the way there he knew but he was getting there more and more every day.

Bucky watched as the little cat came up to his fingers and sniffed them warily, and then brushed her face against them. She had soft fur and her whiskers tickled his skin. He didn’t move the fingers yet, letting her decide if she wanted more affection. He saw her pretty little eyes assessing him and deciding he was safe enough to tuck her head under his fingers and let him scratch her head.

Bucky knew he was going to take her home now. There was no question in his mind.

“She likes you.” He heard a voice say behind him. He turned to see a friendly looking worker smiling at him. “She hardly ever does that.”

The girl was young, with pretty purple streaks in her, which was tied back. Her smock said her name was  Amy and Bucky decided she was okay if she worked here. “What happened to her?” He asked, continuing to scratch Arya’s head softly.

“She’s been through a lot.” Amy told him. “From the looks of it so have you.” She nodded to his tags. “Are you a vet?”

Bucky was surprised she didn’t recognize him, many people did and the reactions he’d gotten were mixed sometimes. There were the jerks of course, who continued who continued to tout the whole murderer thing, and the bigots of course. But he’d also gotten many supportive ones as well. Telling him they were inspired by his ability to overcome what had happened to him. He had always been surprised by the latter. Like Arya he tended the worst out of people most times and was getting surprised these days.

It was easier to nod to this girl than explain his actual story though. “Yeah.”

“Thank you for you’re service then.” She told him, smiling softly.

Bucky was surprisingly touched by that. He was anytime he’d heard it from someone. Especially younger people, many of whom didn’t seem to recognize it. Many people seemed to have forgotten that he was one actually, caught up in his Winter Soldier reputation. A lot of vets either got disrespected or even forgot about he’d noticed. He’d heard this at the VA and had experienced the lack of respect himself sometimes so when he’d gotten it like this, it had always floored him.

“Thank you.” Was all he said in response, feeling a little choked up.

A little meow came from cage and Bucky turned his head back to those beautiful green eyes and saw little Arya head butting the cage where his hand was. She wanted him to pet her again. So Bucky obliged her, scratching her chin and actually hearing a purr coming out of her as she sat there enjoying the attention.

“When we found her, she was malnourished and had a broken leg.” Amy explained. “She had those burn marks on her, and we think someone might have put cigars out on her hind legs.“ The girl frowned sadly. “It took weeks for her let anyone touch her and she’s still shy. But she seems to like you.”

Bucky listened to that feeling sad and angry. Remembering how he’d been starved, beaten and tortured and think that at least he’d been able to fight back a little. But this cat was tiny and was without the super-strength Bucky himself had had. He thought if he’d ever found out who done it they’d learn a hard lesson about picking on someone smaller than them.

He, like Steve, had always hated bullies.

The little cat rubbed against the cage where his hand was and meowed again. Bucky looked questioningly at Amy. “Can I take her out of this thing?” He asked, motioning to the cage. “I don’t’ think she likes being in here.”

She smiled at him. “We can try.” She told him, stepping forward to open the cage. “See if she’d come to you.”

Amy pulled the door open and let Bucky step in front of the cage. He put his metal on the bottom of it and reached his other hand more into the cage to pet the cat more fully. He was very careful to do this slowly as well. She tentatively stepped forward and allowed him to pet her more fully, his hand running down her back to her fluffy tail and a louder purr seemed come the little cat at this. 

Arya sniffed his metal hand and he lifted that one as well so she could rub against it. “Come here darlin’” He cooed to her and scooped her up gently with that arm, lifting her out of the cage. “There we go.”

She sat with her hind legs on his metal arm and her paws resting on his shoulder, looking at him curiously as he petted her. He was definitely not leaving without her now. He already adored her. And the feeling was seemingly mutual as Amy noticed too.

“I think she might have found a home.” She said softly, giving her a little pet on the head. “And I’m glad because she deserves a good one.”

“Everyone does.” Bucky said softly, thinking of his own home.

Adopting her had required some ID and a fee, both of which Bucky had. It had been important to him to have an ID, cards and his own accounts and while he’d needed a little assistance from Steve in setting these up, they were wholly independent accounts, and he had complete control over them. He got money from the government for being a veteran and a POW, a status he’d been granted after his hearings and it was his own money. Steve had definitely encouraged this independence in him, and it was good feeling to really start making his own decisions in his life.

As he went through the process, Arya sat on his lap, which was somewhat irregular, but Bucky was reluctant to put her back in the cage, understanding what it was like to be locked up with no choice in the matter. He also made a few phones calls too. Leaving a message for Steve on his voicemail and calling Wanda to come pick them up, which she was more than happy to do.  As well as stop at the pet store as well.

She was his first choice because first of all, it had been her suggestion to do this. And secondly, Sam was out of town with his girlfriend Pamela. Who was by the way, also know to Bucky as Dr. Clarksson, his medical doctor at the VA Medical Center.

Bucky had found out about that by asking him curiously one day at lunch about how he’d found a doctor so quick in the middle of the night when Bucky’s fever spiked.

Sam’s jovial response was. “Cause I’m dating her.”

Bucky who’d thought his doctor was a smart, beautiful woman had to get a shot in at this. “What the hell does she see in you Wilson?”

“Guess she’s smart.” Sam had sassed back. “Cause I’m quite a catch.”

Bucky rolled his eyes and tossed a napkin at him. “There’s no accounting for taste I guess.”

As much shit as he gave Sam he was a friend. And had found him two doctors that had helped him in considerable ways. He was very grateful for that.

Was grateful to have to friends he could now count on. His circle was getting bigger these days.

Wanda showed up at the shelter not long after he’d called her, wearing distressed jeans and a baseball cap over her red hair. She took one look at the cat herself and was immediately smitten as well, petting her, h shiny black nails matching the dark fur on Arya’s back.

“She’s adorable.” She cooed in the beautiful accent of her. “Just look at her.”

Bucky couldn’t agree more. He’d found another missing piece of his life. The little purring thing sitting on his lap had already started to make him feel relaxed. She didn’t seem to be afraid of him or his metal arm. She didn’t see him aa anything but her new companion. And there was something beautiful and refreshing about that in his mind.

Wanda had taken the time to pick a few supplies up at the store on the way to pick them up, including a litter box, food and toys. Bucky had trusted her to make the best selections and she hadn’t missed on any of them from what he could see. And she drove them home she chatted him up in the car about it.

“So it was a good idea huh?” She asked, smiling over at him.

“Yeah it was.” Bucky agreed. “I am feeling a bit better to be honest.”

He was, his mood had improved since he’d found her. Arya was sitting on his lap instead of in the carrier. He didn’t want to put her back in a cage just yet. Wanda didn’t seem to mind this, but he kenw Steve would’ve pitched a fit about it like he did about the seat belts. Which annoyed the hell out of Bucky.

“It’s about safety Buck. “ Steve had argued to him once.

“Coming from a guy that jumped out of a fucking plane without a parachute.”

“That was one time Buck.”

“It was two times actually.” He corrected him, grudgingly putting the seatbelt one. “And don’t even get me started on you not wearing a helmet on the bike.”

He loved Steve but he did drive him crazy sometimes. And sometimes Bucky thought maybe he fought Steve on these things just for the sake of doing it and he didn’t always get that behavior in himself. Like he was being defiant for sake of being defiant. Because he didn’t minds wearing his seatbelt today. He supposed it was still just him asserting himself sometimes and maybe that wasn’t always a bad thing.

“Animals are very therapeutic.” Wanda told him as she drove. “They don’t have any expectations of us other than take care of them and love them.” She looked over at him and smiled, seeing him pet the cat. “That’s why I suggested it.”

Wanda had a few pets of her own Bucky knew and it had certainly helped her. Tony hadn’t put up much of a fuss about her keeping a few small ones at the compound. Not that he would considering how powerful Wanda was, not that she ever abused that, she was very responsible. But one of her other powers was getting her way and Bucky definitely respected that.

“I’m glad you did kid.” He told her, smiling back at her as she drove him home. “Thank you.”

They got got home and Bucky put Arya down on the floor and let her wander around and explore the house while they set up her litter box and food dish. He observed how she walked with a bit of a limp, that leg was still healing, and Bucky felt that twinge of anger again, thinking if he ever found the person who hurt her they’d be a sorry asshole.

Once they were done, they got drinks out of the fridge and Wanda asked if she could see what he was working with his paints. She was curious about it and Bucky felt a strange sense pride in the idea that someone other than him and Steve would want to see what he’d done. So he brought her upstairs to show, letting the cat continue to explore as only cats did.

The art room was upstairs along with the bedroom, a bigger bathroom than the one downstairs and Steve’s office where his computer was. Everything else was downstairs. Bucky brought Wanda up there and showed her what he was working on.

“It’s really good.” She said with a genuine smile. “It could use more color.”

Bucky smiled at her approval. “Yeah it could.” He agreed studying it himself. “Don’t know why I was so  sparing with that.”

“Maybe it’s the way you feel right now.” She mused sitting down in one of the chair. “Sometimes we don’t feel colorful you know?” She seemed to absently pull her hair to one side. “Is that what’s going on?”

“Yeah maybe.” He told her, pulling the chair from behind him and sitting down. “I’m just in a mood I guess.”

“It’ll pass.” She told him, smiling. “It always does.”

She raised her hand the fingers glowed that scarlet red, and the window across the room opened, letting in the air immediately. Bucky was always amazed at how she could do that, and control it so easily. She saw his eyes when she did and smiled, turning her slightly glowing hand in a slightly musing way.

“Housework must real easy for you kid.” He said, chuckling as he picked up his drink.

“I do actually do it.” She admonished. “I’m not lazy.”

“I know.” He told her. “it’s just pretty cool that’s all.”

She smiled, with a tinge of contemplation as she turned her hand in front of her face and Bucky watched the glow move from finger to finger. “I used to be afraid of it. Afraid of what I could do with it.” She said as she sat there, creating that light show. “I did hurt people. A lot of people. I felt like a freak. Like I was dangerous or something.” She created a little ball of it between her hands. “To point where maybe I thought I should be locked up. For the sake of everyone else.”

Bucky listened to this, feeling a wave of familiarity with that feeling. He looked at his own arm, which couldn’t do what Wanda could do with her mind, but could literally knock down a building if he hit it hard enough. The previous was like that too and was used to destroy so many things and so many lives.

He remembered the blood and the bits of flesh caught between the segments of his fingers. First of many times it would be used in that capacity. And he still felt horrified by this. By the violence he’d committed. Even against his sadist captors. He didn’t regret it, but he was horrified by it.

Just like he’d been horrified by his actions in Berlin, and what he’d done to Tony’s parents he’d put himself on ice again. To protect everyone else from him.

“So what did you do?” He asked, curious as to how she overcame this fear.

“I realized I couldn’t control what others thought of me.” She answered, looking at her glowing hand. “I could only control my own fear. And I learned to accept myself. To embrace what I am.”

He recalled being told this at different times and different ways by Steve and Amelia. That he had to learn to accept himself, flaws included. To embrace what he was and is and to not be afraid of it. It was easier said than done and the painting that was on the easel was a good example of still being somewhat afraid of it he supposed. Maybe that was why didn’t put as much color in it. Because it was his nightmare vision of himself.

And yet he’d added color last night with Steve hadn’t he? The teal color of his eyes and the brown in his hair. And he was starting to wonder if maybe he was turning a corner here. A big one.

“Maybe it does need a little more color.” He said out loud and stood up, seeing Wanda look at him curiously as he did. “Let’s see.”

He looked at his hand, the color of his skin and began to mix a few colors together to get that right combo. Wanda watched him do this without saying anything at all. Once he got it right he lifted and began to color in the skin as well in the portrait, using darker paint for some shadows and suddenly after about 10 minutes of this he stepped back and looked at it again.

It seemed brighter. Less nightmarish. It still had that dark hue to it, still mostly black and white, it always would he supposed. Because it was him at a dark point in his life. But it had some life to it now. The figure of the Winter Soldier stood out from the drab cold background. The teal colored eyes showing life in the that dark world.

“See now that’s better.” Wanda observed behind him. “Very expressive.”

“Yeah. “He agreed. “I suppose so.”

Just then he heard a little meow and turned to see little Arya sitting next to door frame staring at him. He smiled, feeling even lighter at that moment just seeing her. “Hey there little darlin’” He said to her as she stood up and strolled in. “You like your new home huh?”

Arya meowed again as if to confirm this and began walking back and forth between his legs, rubbing herself against jeans. Claiming his as her human and any melancholy he had left seemed to evaporate. He bent over and picked her up, resting her comfortably on his metal arm and petted her soft fur. He saw Wanda watching the display with her chin on her hand and an ‘aww’ look on her fact that if it had come from anyone else would’ve caused a snarky remark.

“How about we go downstairs and get some lunch.” Wanda suggested, smiling as she hooked Bucky’s elbow with her own. “I’m staving.“ She then reached over and petting Arya who rose her head to petted by her too. “Sound good little one?”

Arya seemed to agree, purring loudly. As did Bucky. “I think it’s unanimous.”

\--

“Have you talked to him about it?”

Steve turned to his therapist and looked at him, slightly confused. “About what?”

“That you blame yourself for it.” He explained. “For what happened to him.”

“No I haven’t.” he admitted, feeling a little caught but unable to lie about it. “it hasn’t come up.”

“Why not?”

“Because he’s dealing with enough.” He answered honestly. “He doesn’t need this too.”

“And that’s your decision to make?” The doctor asked. “To decide what he can or can’t deal with it.”

Steve ran his hands through his hair and got up, looking out the window, wondering why that insinuation made him angry. As if he was determining how Bucky was supposed to feel about things. Was he doing that? Maybe he was. He just knew he didn’t want to upset him when he was still in the middle of all this shit. But it was bothering him the idea of determining how he should feel.

“It’s not what I meant. “ He said finally. “I wouldn’t try to control him like that.”

“I didn’t say control him.” The doctor corrected. “I said make decisions for him. “

“Isn’t it the same thing?”

 “Not the way you think Steve.”

He sat back down heavily on the chair and felt it bubble out of him. “I can’t get it out of my head. What he told me. About what they did to him there.” He explained finally. “They hurt him so much and to see him deal with that day in and day out its just hurts you know?” He ran his hands through his hair again and rested his face on them. “I feel like I should’ve save him, and I could’ve stopped it all.”

“You need to talk to him about that.” The doctor said earnestly. “You need to let him help you too.”

Steve knew he had to, and he thought about it a lot on his way home that day. He knew it would involve confessing the guilt that had hammered itself into him since the first day he’d found he was alive. The idea that he could’ve saved him. Could’ve prevented all of this.  Learning about the horrors of his torture had simply increased this in him and it needed to be said. But he was almost afraid to.

And about the messaged he’d gotten from Bucky as well.

At first, he’d been worried, wondering if he was at the hospital. If something happened but when heard his voice and the happiness in it as he told him he’d done something important today, he was curious about it. Bucky had been one of his low moods lately and this seemed like an interesting turn of events.

When he got home, he saw Wanda’s little car parked outside and heard music coming from inside. The4y had company.

Steve wasn’t all that surprised to see Bucky had taken to Wanda so much over the last month or so. They had some things in common he supposed, and she seemed to understand him. A lot like Sam did and Steve was happy to see Bucky continue to expand his circle of friends like this.

Coming inside he saw them sitting at the table, seemingly playing a bizarre game of cards. They both brightened when he walked through the door and at the moment Steve sensed something a little bit different about the house. Wondering if Wanda moved some furniture around or something. But it wasn’t that. The energy seemed different. There was a new element.

“Hey there punk.” Bucky called from the table. “About time you got home.”

“Sorry I was late.” He said, hanging up his keys. “Traffic.”

“Hi Steve.” Wanda said with a big grin on her face as turned a card over without even being near it.

“Hey that’s cheating.” Bucky declared and shook his head at Steve. “Can’t take my eyes off her for a minute.”

“So what did I miss?” Steve asked curiously, feeling as though he was out of the loop. “What was that voicemail about?”

Bucky smiled and pointed behind Steve. “It was about her.”

Steve turned around and saw a fluffy black and white cat, sitting in the doorway between the kitchen and the living, seeming to coolly assess him. Her tail was curled around her as she seemed to study this new stranger who just walked into her new home.

“We have a cat.” He said out loud, smiling a little as they observed each other.

“Brilliant deduction Sherlock.” Bucky sassed behind him. “Her name is Arya.” Steve looked back at him and Bucky shrugged. “I swear I didn’t name her that just happened to be her name.”

Steve shook his head, not sure if he bought that but it sounded on the level. He crouched down and put his hand out, seeing if she would come over. Her little tail swished for a moment as if she was thinking about it and the she got up and strolled over to him. He noticed her slight limp and would ask Bucky about that later but for now it was time to introduce himself.

“Hey there girl.” He said softly as she sniffed his fingers. “I’m Steve. I live here too.”

He must’ve been okay because she rubbed her face against his fingers and him pet her. She was a pretty little cat with big yellow/green eyes and he was smitten already too. For some reason it seem to make the house more of a home to have a pet in it, gave it something extra.

Standing up, he watched she walked between his legs, rubbing herself against him as well. “Unbelievable.” He said out loud. “I need to hear this story.”

And he got it. All of it. Listening to Bucky talk about something that made him happy was a joy to watch as the 3 of them sat, enjoying some good conversation and companionship. Wanda stayed another hour or so before she had to leave so he got all the info he needed during that time.

She hugged them both before she left, and paid special attention to the cat, doting on her before she left. “See the cat gets the real love.” Bucky lamented, rolling his eyes. “Typical.”

Wanda gave him a little swat on the arm and then another hug before she left. “Keep up what’s you’re doing.” Steve heard her tell him as she hugged. “You’re doing great.”

Once she was gone and they were alone Bucky turned back to Steve and grabbed his face, kissing him solidly. Steve was surprised by it at first but then just wrapped his arms around him pulled him closer to him, relishing the moment. He chuckled against his lips as he felt the cat walking through both their legs as they stood there.

“I missed you today punk.” Bucky whispered against his lips, his arms wrapping around Steve’s neck.

“I can see that.” Steve replied, pulling his lips away finally before laying his forehead against his. “Been an interesting day it seems.”

“Sure has.” Bucky agreed, nuzzling Steve’s nose against his own. “

“She’s adorable.” He told Bucky, looking down a little and seeing the cat looking up at them both. “Good choice.”

Bucky smiled, looking down himself. “It seemed right.” He said softly. “Considering what she’s been through.” He sighed. “Guess I could relate.”

They had mentioned the cat had probably been abused and neglected and he knew Bucky would definitely relate to that. And want to protect her. It was in his nature to be that way. He always had protective element to his personality. It had grown out of being the oldest child in his family and he’d extended that to Steve and others. It was one of his more beautiful traits he’d maintained, even though Hydra had exploited it to a degree. But it was also the reason he’d broken free as well.

“I suppose you cold.” He whispered to him and kissed him again softly. “And you want to protect her.”

“Well look at her.” Bucky told him, turning his head to do just that. “She’s so small and someone hurt her.” He seemed to smile to himself. “But she’s strong too.”

Steve took Bucky’s face in his hands and looked in his eyes. “So are you.”

Bucky bit his lip and the buried his face in Steve’s neck, wrapping his arms around him the process. “I’m only strong because of you.” He said quietly into his neck. “I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you.”

“No Buck.” He whispered into his hair, wrapping his hand around the back of his head. “You did that on your own.” He held him a little tighter. “You were so strong.”

He felt Bucky’s hands clutch his shirt a little tighter. “How was I strong?” He asked, his voice shaky. “I let them break me like that.”

“You didn’t let them do anything.” He told him, putting his hands on his head and lifting it. “You protected yourself the only way you could.”

He could feel it coming up inside him, the feeling of guilt and pain for being able to protect him. He knew it was showing on is face and knew Bucky could see it so clearly. That there were tears in his eyes and he couldn’t hide them from him.

“Steve?” He asked, putting his own hands over his. “What’s wrong?”

“I should’ve saved you.” He said finally, letting it spill out. “I should’ve caught you on the train but I didn’t and I wasn’t there for you and I’m sorry.” He pressed his forehead against Bucky’s and let those tears fall. Finally letting him see it. “I failed and I’m sorry.”

“Steve no don’t do this.” Bucky said adamantly, his hands gripping Steve’s and holding his face. “It’s not your fault. It never was.” He seemed to be crying softly himself now. “They hurt me not you.”

Hearing Bucky say it didn’t help his guilt any. Just like he knew the things he’d said to Bucky didn’t change his feeling about himself but just to be able to share it now was what he needed to do. It was helping.

“I whish I could just.. go back and fix it. Pull you up.” He told him, confessing. “I could’ve prevented this.”

“There’s nothing you could’ve done Steve.” Bucky whispered to him his own voice choked with emotion. “It’s not on you.”

He felt Bucky wrap his arms around him and embrace him tightly. Holding him and comforting him. Steve wrapped his arms right around him and sobbed into his shoulder. It was a relief to finally be able to let some of it go now. Watching him suffer like he did and feeling the guilt of failure for so long. He just let Bucky comfort him this time.

Suddenly he felt something rub against his leg and looked down to see the cat rubbing against both their legs again. He smiled, tears still in his eyes as she looked up at them with her round eyes. Another little survivor just like them.

“Why don’t we just make some supper and then go to bed early?” Bucky suggested over his shoulder. “Just take the rest of the day off.”

Didn’t sound like a bad idea at all to Steve.  He felt exhausted. “Sounds like a plan.” He agreed. “Lets do that.”

\--

Bucky lay on the bed, Steve’s head resting on his shoulder. His hand brushed his blonde hair the way Steve had always done for him when he was distressed because it was clear that tonight he needed the comfort. And Bucky was happy to give it.

He smiled as he felt a little thump on the bed and saw a pair of round green eyes staring at him. Arya was getting comfortable pretty quickly with her new home it seemed and wanted to spend time with her new people. He saw Steve look and lift his arm off of Bucky to pet her, his large hand moving her back and she was just loving it, walking back and forth and purring contentedly.

“Why do I feel like she’s gonna be our little princess?” Steve mused, before nuzzling Bucky’s shoulder again.

“She’s not gonna be.” Bucky corrected. “She already is.”

The subject of the conversation plopped herself down next to Bucky’s hip and curled up a little. Allowing herself to be close to both of them. He could feel her purring through the material of his pajamas and smiled again thinking this felt very right.

“I’m sorry about earlier.” Steve said softly, busting him out of his thoughts.

“About what?” Bucky asked, looking down at him. “Feeling it? Aren’t you the one that’s always telling me to let myself feel it?”

“Yeah.. but..”

“But nothing.” Bucky told him adamantly. “You got a right to how you feel too. You’ve been listening to me and taking care of me for months.. and you got feelings about it too.” He kissed his head softly. “You’re not that superhuman punk.”

“I have nightmares about you falling off the train.” Steve said as lay there. “I keep feeling your fingers brush mine right before you fall.” He took a deep breath. “I can’t stop seeing it.”

Bucky winced at this, feeling pained. “You didn’t tell me you have nightmares like that.”

“Because yours are worse.” Was his answer.  “I can handle mine.”

“Can you?” Bucky asked, not sure if he believed that. “Doesn’t sound like you can.”

“I can.” Steve insisted, resting his chin on Bucky’s chest. “I needed to be able to help you. Because id didn’t before and you suffered for it.”

He hated the idea that Steve felt guilty. Felt like he could’ve done more. He’d done plenty. He had no idea just how much he’d done. That he was the reason he got up in the morning. Was the reason he kept moving all those years. Because he felt him in his heart, and it was what powered him even in his darkest times. Steve was the reason he was alive and in this world and that was all that mattered.

“You did help me Steve.” He told him, looking down at him. “You got me out of it.”

“70 years too late.”

“No it was right on time.” He whispered, his fingers in his hair. “That was when I needed you and you were there.” He put his other hand on his face. “And you’re here now that’s all that matters.”

He saw Steve’s eyes swim with emotion and again and then moved forward to him. Bucky held his face and let him, feeling the love and the urgency behind it. And the protection as well. The knowledge that he would never be hurt here coursed through his veins again, filling them with that warmth that he loved so much. The only thing that counteracted the cold he’d felt in his bones for so long.

“I’ll always be here Buck.” He heard him whisper against his lips. “Until my dying breath.”

Bucky felt such emotion at those words, the power behind them, that he had to hold it back for fear iof it overwhelmied him. So he teased instead. “That better not be for a long time punk.” He responded, pulling his lips only slightly away. “Cause I’m gonna hold you to that.”

Their kiss grew more heated and intense and little Arya, sensing her humans wanted some time alone, scampered off the bed and went off to do what cats did at night. Bucky thought, while he could still think that was, that she was a smart and he was gonna keep her.

They pulled each other’s bedclothes off rather quickly and Bucky looked up at Steve, seeing that hungry, almost possessive look in his eyes that he loved so much. It made him feel protected in a strange way. Like nothing else was ever going to get close enough to him to harm. Not that he couldn’t take care of himself but there was a comfort in that. And an intense feeling of love he felt made him want it more than anything.

“Tell me what you’re thinkin’ about darlin’.” Bucky purred, his old Brooklyn accent coming through., feeling his hands sliding over his body deliciously. “Inquirin’ minds wanna know..”

Steve’s eyes glinted at him, locking his eyes with Bucky’s. “I think you’re beautiful..” He growled to him, hands sliding over his hips and thighs. “And you’re all mine..” He lowered his head and bit softly into his hip, causing a soft moan. “ _Mine_..”

Bucky’s eyes rolled, feeling Steve’s lips and hands all over his skin, leaving beautiful love marks all over it. And he loved it. Loving the way he laid claim to him over and over again. “Yes.” He sighed digging his fingers into Steve’s hair. “I am all yours.”

He brought those lips to his neck, his hands wrapping around Bucky’s thighs. “No will ever hurt you again.” He breathed in Bucky’s ear and he moaned at the sound of those words. It wasn’t the first time he’d said it to him, but every time it felt the same. “I promise you that.”

“Please Steve..” He moaned, feeling those hands slide up his body again, finding his hands and interlocking the fingers, pressing them down into the mattress. “Please.”

“Please what?” Steve asked in his ear, using his thighs to push Bucky’s legs further apart.

“Fuck me.” He moaned, his body shaking with need. “And don’t you hold back on me punk.”

That was sort of implied, but he liked saying it just the same. Wanting to be taken that blissful place that he only knew with Steve. After the last few weeks of softness and gentle care he was ready to push it hard again. To take everything he could him. To put it back fully into place and let him take him as hard as he wanted to. Knowing full well he’d take care of him after. Because he always did.

“If you insist sweetheart.” Steve replied in a low, husky voice. “Hold on.”

He moved Bucky’s hands to the posts in the headboard, signaling for him to grab them and then made sure the pillow was between his head and the same headboard as well. Which Bucky always thought was just too thoughtful. He always remembered Bucky’s previous head trauma even when Bucky himself forgot. It always filled his heart to think of it. When he could think that was.

His hands went to Bucky’s hips and pulled them hard against him and before he could even even consider it he was deep in him, causing him to groan as he gloriously filled. His lips were then smothered, choking off any more sound coming from him. Steve’s hands slid back up his body again and re-entwined with the fingers wrapped around the posts. He gave him time to adjust, still kissing him deeply for a moment longer before pulling his lips away to look in his eyes.

“I love you.” Steve moaned in his ear. “I love you so much.”

Bucky felt the power in those resonate through him right before Steve began to move, obliterating the rest of his thoughts in a blazed as he fucked him hard, their interlocked hands clutching the posts. Their lips finding each other every so often in heated kisses and finding each other’s necks to bite in the heat of it.

He lost himself in it, going to that blissful place where only Steve could take him.

\--

Bucky lay contentedly on Steve’s chest, his metal arm draped over his chest. He continued to rub his ass softly, continuing the care he’d done after they’d finished, rubbing and kissing all the sore spots until Bucky was in that sweet haze that he was currently residing in now, with the fingers of Steve’s other hand tangled in his mussed up hair.

He had held back from going too hard at him for a while until he’d passed through the melancholy he was and processed his painful memories. He usually did that after these things, but Bucky had given the signal that was okay now not to hold back too much and he was glad to go there. To indulged in that possessive protectiveness that he felt sometimes. A need to reclaim him as his. As if he needed to. Bucky was his. And he was Bucky’s. Always would be.

He also felt the relief of confessing his feelings of guilt, even if they weren’t completely assuaged they were at least out in the open now. He was no longer carrying it alone. Just like Bucky wasn’t carrying his secrets alone either.

All of a sudden there was a thump on the bed and Steve smiled, seeing Arya sitting there, her little round eyes scanning them to make sure it was okay to come back now. Seeing that this was she walked over to right next where Bucky’s metal fingers were dangling over the edge of Steve’s just north of the blanket and curled up there. Steve thought it was pretty damn cute.

Bucky shifted his head and smiled at her, his fingers scratching her head. “Hey there little darlin’” He said in the cutest voice Steve had ever heard him use. “Welcome back.”

Steve put his own hand on her fluffy little back and petted her as well, and felt her little purr under his fingers. It was such a contented feeling and sound, it just screamed comfort and _home_. She was a wonderful addition to it.

“I think we can keep her.” He told Bucky, his fingers playing in his hair.

“Yeah.” Bucky said quietly, nuzzling Steve’s chest. “She’s family now.”

“Family.” He said softly. “I like that.”

He put his hand back on Bucky’s hip under the covers and resumed rubbing it and his ass softly, feeling Bucky shift against him a little more as he started to drift off. His metal fingers still hanging off of Steve, still absently scratching the sleeping cats head.

“Steve.” Bucky whispered, already half asleep. “It wasn’t your fault.”

He looked up at the ceiling, seeing the fan circling above him in the low light. “What wasn’t?” He asked, knowing full well what he meant.

“When I fell.” Bucky replied, nuzzling him a little. “I don’t want you to blame yourself for it anymore okay?”

The vision passed through his head of his fingers skating off of Bucky’s right before the rope let go and he fell. Hearing that scream in his head. Knowing what happened after. He wanted to continue to blame himself for it, to punish himself because Bucky suffered so much and yet here was Bucky, not wanting him to do it. Not wanting him to hurt himself over it.

“I’ll try.” He whispered, kissing the top of Bucky’s head. “For you.”

“Good.” Bucky said sleepily. “Because I love you punk.”

Steve smiled softly. “I love you too jerk.” He told him. “Go to sleep.”

“Mmm hmm.” Bucky murmured back as he seemed to fall asleep. “You too.”

He would try to do that too. He did feel a little more unburdened now. He supposed the guilt would always be there, but he could try to put it aside. If only to make Bucky feel better. He’d do anything for him. And Bucky would do anything for him but let him wallow in it he knew.

With that thought he let himself drift off as well, with Bucky in his arms and little Arya snuggled up next to them both, purring contentedly with her new family.

\--

The Winter Soldier did wake up, but only briefly. Seeing that strange furry thing sleeping next to them both. He felt no fear of it, only curiosity. He’d seen these before, usually running away as he snuck through an alley on a mission. But this one was sleeping right there next to them. And it opened its little eyes and regarded him for a moment before going back to sleep.

The Soldier felt no threat here. Nothing at all and decided to go back to sleep himself. To keep Bucky rested. So he laid his head back on Steve’s chest and closed his eyes, feeling completely safe and strangely contented himself.

He felt a strange sensation that he searched Bucky’s mind to find a name for. And the name was _home._

And the Soldier liked the feeling he realized as he fell asleep. He liked it a lot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I promised a lighter one and it was so there you. A little healing time for them both after the revelations in the last chapter, which I know was a hard read. 
> 
> Alright so yes, to the ones that guessed he was getting a cat good on you :D. I didn't want to bring that in too soon because it seems a lot of writers give him a pet, and it wanted to bring in at the right time as well. And add my own little twist to it. I am passionate about adopting from shelters rather than pet stores and breeders. I have had several rescue cats and I will tell you they are the best. These animals need homes, have often been mistreated and are in dire need of loving homes. So if you adopt please try a shelter first there are a lot of lovely animals out there who've had hard luck and need homes. 
> 
> Arya is named after Arya Stark, one of my favorite characters on GOT and I could definitely see Bucky being a fan of hers. Arya is a little cat, like my last cat and she is a pretty little girl. If you want to see what she looks like, I have a moodboard for this fic on my Tumblr (it will be up shortly, and I have them for the last 13 chapters as well) and her picture is on it. Trust me, she is cute and I hope you like her as much as I do. 
> 
> I love Wanda and wanted to bring her in as a new fried for Bucky and expand his social circle a bit more. I think they can relate in certain ways and she definitely brings a fresh perspective to him and some more fresh air to this fic for me. 
> 
> A lot of people who write fics tend to make Steve more of the artist, and he still is, but I like the idea of subverting that a bit and having Bucky use art as another form of therapy, but it can be helpful in expressing feelings you have trouble vocalizing. I think this, along with his journal writing is very helpful for him. 
> 
> Steve's guilt is something I wanted to start touching on as well, because Steve has been watching Bucky suffer for a while now, and he never really got over the idea that he couldn't save him when he fell and seeing what he's dealing with and hearing the terrible things he went through increased that, and it is a factor going forward too, because Bucky is taking some major steps forward and becoming more healthy and so helping Steve will be important to him as he recovers. 
> 
> The next chapter will expand a little on the forward progress, featuring and excursion among other things for Memorial Day weekend. Other than that, details are gonna be vague until I get going on it. 
> 
> Thank you for all your lovely comments on the last chapter, I know it was a difficult, painful read but I'm glad you got through it with me and Bucky and Steve. So thank you all for your support.


	24. The Long Weekend

Bucky hated rainy days. He always felt like shit during them.

The low pressure and low always gave him headaches and increased his general fatigue. He also ached all over due to the many broken bones and fractures he’d incurred at the hands of Hydra and the general wear and tear on his body as the Winter Soldier. It made him miserable as all hell and not want to get out of bed at all. Today was no exception.

Bucky turned his face into the pillow, grumbling a little. He wasn’t sure what exactly had woken him up but now he couldn’t go right back to sleep and he still had a couple of hours before he had to be up. Steve never tried to wake him up early on these days, understanding the misery he was in.

Opening his eyes painfully, because even the low light hurt them, he felt a small smile creep onto his face, seeing the little bundle of black and white fur under his metal arm. Arya opened her pretty green eyes and yawned at him, stretching her front legs in front of her and then cutely tucking her face back under Bucky’s metal arm. Which seemed to be her favorite place to snuggle up when she slept next to him. Which was basically every night since he’d brought her home. He marveled at how trusting she was to lay under that arm, fully unaware of how dangerous it could be. But perhaps knowing, like Bucky himself knew, that he would never hurt her.

She gotten quite used to her new home in the 2 and half weeks since she’d arrived, laying claim as queen of the house, and of both their hearts as well. Other than on, or next to Bucky, her favorite place to sleep were pretty much any sun-facing windowsill, the couch, the chair in the art studio and Steve’s desk in his office. All of which were places where tons of cat hair were left but this was happily tolerated and cleaned up.

They were now, after all, loving cat parents and neither one of them could imagine life without her now.

Bucky leaned his face forward and nuzzled her nose with his, hearing her purr contentedly and felt her sleepily lift a paw to touch his face, nuzzled him herself. In spite of how miserable he may have felt at the time, just have this precious little thing here made him feel somewhat better.

“Well isn’t that a picture?” He heard Steve’s voice say adoringly, causing him to look up.  Steve of course had his phone out and had taken a picture. “Jut precious.”

Bucky rolled his eyes irritably. “You are so corny.” He scoffed and rubbed his face against Arya’s little nose. “It’s he pumpkin?”

Steve reached over and scratched her little head. “Yes I am.” He told the sleeping cat. “And your other daddy is a just a big grumpy bear isn’t he?”

Bucky shot him another irritated look, but noticed Steve had an ice pack in his hand, wrapped in cloth and felt grateful for that than even though he pretended to be annoyed. Walking around the other side of the bed Steve climbed in behind him and pressed the pack to his head, which did create a little relief. Bucky lifted his head and let Steve slide his other arm underneath it to rest on and laid behind him, holding the pack against his head.

“I’d let you stay in bed all day but you do have an appointment today.” He told him, with a regretful tone. “But we don’t have to leave for a couple of hours.”

Bucky groaned knowing this too. He had a couple of appointments actually, the first of which was a doctor’s appointment, which he was always reluctant to go to. And sometimes would almost conveniently forget about, so Steve kept track of them and made sure he went he. This one was the 6 months follow up from his pneumonia and a two month follow up for his neurological issues. Which were important he knew, but it didn’t mean he wanted to go. Even though he liked and trusted his doctor, the hospital phobia was still an issue and it always stressed him out. So maybe it wasn’t a bad thing that his second appointment was with Amelia later in the day.

But he did want to sleep a little longer. Or at least lay in the dark, sandwiched between Steve and Arya. Both of which were very good at making him feel better.

“If only I could just sleep.” He grumbled a little, “Cause honestly, I don’t feel like going anywhere.” He took a deep breath. “Everything hurts.”

“Maybe we can talk to her about that today too.”

Bucky stiffened a little. “I don’t want to go on any more medication Steve.” He said with more of an edge in his voice than he meant. “I’m on enough as it is.”

Between the anti-anxiety meds, the headache stuff and the anti-seizure meds he was quite done with it. He had joked on occasion he’d need a pill organizer or something for the shit he had to be on like the old person he was. He knew that he could feel even better if he wasn’t so reluctant sometimes, but he couldn’t help it. There was still a lot of deep-seated issues he had with taking medication, remembering how difficult he’d been early on about it. Luckily Amelia and his doctor understood this and let him come to his own decisions on things like that.

“I get it Buck.” Steve told him, his lips right near his ear. “ It might no come to that, she may suggest something minor to help that’s all.” He nuzzle his neck softly. “You don’t have to suffer you know?”

“You think that’s why I’m doing it?” He asked a little defensively. “To suffer?” He felt irritated, out of sorts. “Like I’m a masochist or something because I don’t want to take a fucking pill?”                                                                      “

“I’m not saying that Buck.” Steve answered, holding him a little tighter. “I understand why you don’t want it sometimes.”

“Then why are you pushing it?”

“I’m not pushing anything Buck.” Steve said softly, , speaking right into his ear. “It’s just a suggestion.”

He knew Steve did understand, didn’t know why he was feeling argumentative about it today. Probably because he felt like shit. Or because it pissed him off that he needed all this help just to get better and deal with all the stuff they did his body and mind. That he was frustrated when it felt like things weren’t improving, even though Amelia and Sam both told he was doing remarkably well.

There were just these things that seemed to hit nerves sometimes and cause a fight complex in him.

It had been an internal fight just get himself on the medication he needed and to go to the medical center at all. Because he still wasn’t past that shit from the facility they had put him after Wakonda. Those people had set back his progress by a year at least he thought. And Amelia had agreed with him on that. She was the only one he talked to about that place at all. And had only hinted at it there.

He still hadn’t talked much about that with Steve. Especially that hellish first month when they hadn’t allowed him to talk to anyone outside. Including Steve. 

On days like this, when he felt low and bad, his mind turned to the confinement he’d been subjected to, by them and by Hydra. That place may not have abused the way Hydra had, they’d just done it in different, more subtle ways. He would think about all the decisions that were made for him in both places. Always for someone else’s benefit and not his. He sometimes forgot that it wasn’t happening anymore.

It was like with Arya, she didn’t like her leg being touched just yet. The one that had been broken. If your hand got too close she’d growl and snap. It didn’t happen often, but he knew it was an involuntary reaction she couldn’t help. Bucky understood that pretty well. That sometimes you forget you’re safe and you just lash out in reflex.

“I’m sorry.” He said softly, regretting the tone he’d just used. “I didn’t mean to growl like that, I know you’re just trying to help.”

“It’s alright you’re forgiven.” Steve told him, pressing the ice-pack back against Bucky’s forehead. “You’re hurting that’s. all.”

Bucky sighed, petting Arya as she continued to sleep, oblivious to it all. “It’s not an excuse for being an asshole.”

“I told you, it’s okay.” Steve whispered in his ear again. “Get some more rest.. we don’t have to leave for at least an hour.”

He felt Arya tuck her little head more under his arm and smiled, closing his eyes. Deciding to take Steve’s advice and just relax for a little longer before having to go to the doctors.  Feeling safely and warmly tucked between Steve and Arya, listening to the rain thrum against the window outside. Just blocking out any other thoughts and just relaxed for a little longer.

\--

The commute back from the Medical Center in Manhattan had been horrendous. For several reasons. The weather being one, and the other being it was start of the holiday weekend and the city dwellers were trying to escape to get head start. And just the city traffic in general if Steve was to be honest.

Bucky was his usual tensed up, antsy self after a trip to the MC and knew sitting in traffic was not going to help his mood any so he elected to take a pit stop to wait it out under the Bridge again and let him blow off some steam in the back of the car. Which Bucky had appreciated judging by the way his eyes widened when Steve took the detour to the park.

It was pouring rain outside and no one was around to bother them today.

Steve had barely stopped the car before Bucky had managed to deftly climb into the backseat from the front, in spite of the fact that he was no a small person. Steve had to admire how expertly he did it, as well as the sight of Bucky’s gorgeous ass that close to his face.

“Get a nice view there punk?” He heard Bucky call to him as he plopped on the back bench seat and promptly lowered it expertly.

“Wonderful actually.” Steve promptly answered, giving him a look at he turned around in his own seat. “It’ll look even better without those jeans though.”

He saw Bucky bite his lip in that provocative way that drove him crazy. “So what the hell are you waiting for then?” He asked, laying back on the lowered seat. “Get the hell back here and take em off me.”

Steve did not have to be asked twice, but had a much harder time getting over the seat than Bucky did. Causing Bucky to laugh hysterically in the back seat. Which was, considering his earlier mood, quite lovely to hear.

“You could help you know?” He asked, his foot stuck behind the wheel.

“I could I suppose.” Bucky mused. “But this is kind of funny.”

“Jerk.”

After a clumsy moment of maneuvering, Bucky finally grabbed his arms and pulled him the rest of the way over and right onto him. They were both laughing and out of breath as they lay there tangled up in each other for a moment. Steve looked down into Bucky’s amused eyes, loving the change in mood that had come the minute they’d pulled in here and parked.

They had made some great memories here already. And were currently making more.

“So graceful Rogers.” Bucky said, still laughing a little with adorable nose crinkle of his. “Like a drunk elephant.”

Steve shook his head and smiled before kissing him solidly, pressing him into the car seat as he did so. They pulled at each other’s clothes, getting off the necessary articles to get to the good stuff. Steve sucked on various patches of Bucky’s skin, all the while using his fingers to open him up and pleasure him as he moaned loudly, gripping his hair with his metal fingers as he writhed against the reclined seat.

“You want more?” He asked, knowing full well he did, but loving to hear him ask just the same. “Tell me.”

“Yes..” Bucky asked, that needy tone he loved in his voice. “More please.”

He slid another finger in, opening him more and smothered his lips in a deep kiss. Bucky moaned into the kiss, his fingers digging more into Steve’s shoulder. He was just so wanting, so needing of a release after the stress and anxiety of his appointment.

It had actually been good news for the most part. His doctor had been happy that he’d quit smoking. And his lungs were still clear of any buildup. He was in good health considering everything. The doctor had recommended several different over the counter pain-killers he could use when needed, no prescription necessary. But it still stressed him out to be there, that hospitals were traumatic, and that was why the were here now.

“I’m gonna make you cum just like this.” He whispered to him, pulling his lips away and putting them to his ear as he stroked him inside. “So just let it all out gorgeous..”

Bucky whimpered, his eyes fluttering at what Steve was doing to him right there in the back of the car. Steve those 3 fingers to stroke that glorious bundle of nerves that always set him off, his other arm underneath, partially lifting him off the seat. The rain pounded on the roof above them, the only sound other his ragged breathing and soft moans and whimpers. Steve lifted his head from his neck and looked down at the beautiful sight in front of his eyes.

His teal blue eyes, glazed with pleasure, swollen lips open, hair spread on the set underneath. His body already slick with sweat. He just took it all in as he pleasured him.

“God you’re so beautiful.” He whispered to him. “Cum for me..”

It was as if Bucky replied to the soft command in his voice and di just that, moaning thickly as he shuddered with his release. Steve watched his eyes roll back in his head and smiled before taking  his lips again in another languid kiss, feeling Bucky’s arms wrap around his neck to pull him closer to him.

Steve stroked him a few more times before pulling his fingers out, all the while never breaking lip contact. He let his hand slide over his hip, massaging it gently as their tongues continued to wrestle softly another minute.

“Fuck..” Bucky whispered when they finally pulled apart. “Dammit punk..”

“Feel better?” Steve asked, continuing to stroke his skin with his fingers.

Bucky smiled at him hazily. “Uh huh.” He replied, nuzzling Steve’s neck as he still lay under him. “Much better.”

“Good.” Steve told him, letting his hands come to rest on his hips. “And I’m not done with you yet.” He smiled, biting his neck softly, eliciting another low moan. “Just giving you a break.”

“How generous of you.” Bucky mused, his metal hand resting on the back of Steve’s neck. “Thinking of me like that.”

Steve looked down into his eyes again, searching them. He lifted a hand and brushed his back from his face. “Are you okay?” He asked him softly, cautiously. “After earlier I mean?”

Bucky looked up at him, seeming to consider the question before answering it. Steve had remembered how antsy he’d looked. The way his eyes always shifted suspiciously every time the male nurse came near him with a needle or a thermometer. That fight or flight complex he was barely stifling most times he was there. How his doctor had to give him a temporary sedative just to take an x-ray. Just his general malaise whenever he went there. Steve knew it wasn’t just what Hydra had done to him, with all those operations and procedures done without his consent and with great pain. It was that other place too.

The hospital they’d taken him to after they’d retrieved him from Wakonda under very shady circumstances.

It still pissed him off to think about it even today. How they’d found out where he was, and under the ruse of a visit, had manipulated him into coming back with them. With the promise of dropping the charges against Steve and the others for abetting him in the first place.  And Bucky of course, being the person that he was, agreed to that exchange. And they’d locked him up in that place. And would not let Steve see him.

Their ridiculous excuse being only immediate family and legal counsel had the right to see him. Bucky of course had neither of those. And Steve, with the help of Tony and T’Challa had gotten legal counsel and fought this for nearly two months until they were finally granted the right to see him and speak on his behalf by a judged.

Steve didn’t know what happened to him during those two months, all he’d known was how he looked when he finally could see him. That terrified, distrustful and disheveled look like the one he’d had in Romania. They’d set him back on his progress that had been clear.

Bucky never talked about that time. Other than hints in dreams and fevered delirium. Like a lot of his trauma, he kept it closed off until he was ready. There was no pushing on these things. Just patience.

“I don’t know.” Bucky finally replied, biting his lip in that nervous way now. “I just don’t like it there.”

There was a vulnerability in those eyes of his, the kind that made him want to wrap him up tight and just protect from whatever was hurting him right now. But he also knew he didn’t want to talk about it either. That for now he wanted to take his mind off it and just live in the now. And they had a few hours before he had to see Amelia, and hopefully he would talk then. It didn’t matter who he talked to, as long as he talked.

So instead of asking, of pushing it, he just leaned back down and kissed him instead, pulling his thighs gently around his hips as he did. He was a man of his word when he said he wasn’t done with him. And he could feel Bucky’s lips curve into a smile as they kissed, his leg sliding around Steve’s thigh.

“We still got a few hours to kill.” Bucky then mused as Steve trailed those fingers over his thig and hip. “What should we do with them?”

“Maybe we should just.” Steve growled in his ear, pressing into him more. “Pick up where we left off.”

Bucky smiled, digging his fingers into his back. “I like the way you think punk.”

Steve slid his hand behind Bucky’s head and fisted his hair firmly, pulling him to him again to kiss him fully as he moved effortlessly and slid himself into him, feeling his body rise against his as he did so. He held his lips to him and paused there, just relishing the moment, hearing Bucky whimper softly into his mouth in appreciation and love.

It was such a lovely sensation.

Soon he was rocking against him, the rain still thrumming on the roof, providing background noise to them they were barely aware of in the moment.

\--

He was a bit more relaxed when he got to his appointment with Amelia later. Not feeling so wound up internally like he had when he’d left the hospital. It was interesting to him that it seemed like blowing off steam by way of having sex in the back of Steve’s car had become such a thing in times of stress for him. Part of him wondering if there something strange or abnormal about having this kind of kink as a coping mechanism.

It was so on his mind, because lets face it, Steve was so damn at pleasuring him that he couldn’t help but think about it. And because he was still feeling it inside, it slipped out in therapy and he was slightly embarrassed by his candor regarding it. Amelia had however assured him that he could talk about anything thing there. Hell he realized he’d admitted far worse things in there.

Like details of his torture and rape that he could never bring himself to tell Steve.

She had also reassured him that it was perfectly healthy behavior, provided it wasn’t being used for avoidance or self-punishment. Both of which Bucky had realized and confessed to doing on occasion. A topic that had been touched on in there as well. Nothing was off the table, it was after all, therapy. Meant to help him understand himself and heal his trauma. And according to her, he was making great strides in both those areas.

“I don’t feel like I’m doing better.” He told her with a sigh. “Feels like I’m shoveling shit against the tide.”

“When you first came here 7 months ago you could barely look me in the eye. “She told him. “You were very hyper-vigilant, jittery and constantly looking for the exit. And now? You’re much more confident in yourself, you’ve opened considerably and dealt with some very painful things. “ She put her hand on his  gently, which she’d done on may occasions. “You are getting better.  You just have to be patient with yourself.”

He supposed she was right. He was more comfortable now. But he was still frustrated with himself. Still unable to do certain things he wanted to do. Like the oral thing with Steve. Every time he considered it he got anxious and nauseous. Would remember being in that room and he would just freeze up.

“I can do everything else..” He confessed. “Just don’t’ know why I can’t do that.”

“Because you were forced to do it over and over and it changed the parameters for you.” She explained to him once. “Instead of an intimate act you choose to participate in, you associated with pain and torture. It’ll take time to overcome that. “

“How long?”

“As long you need.” She told him. “When you’re ready for that you’ll know.”

He nodded, knowing she was right but not feeling much better about it.

And then today at the hospital, he simply couldn’t relax. All he could think was being strapped down and operated on. Being injected with drugs and serums. Of being tortured. Most times it was all he could do not to strike out at them and run out of the room.

He felt like he should be past these things by now, but Amelia kept telling him that recovery was not a linear process and sometimes it was excruciatingly slow. That he’d been through a ton of trauma that he was still processing. That it could take years to get him to a state of close to normal. That he should not get frustrated by it. That they would take as much time as needed to get him there.

Today the subject of the Winter Soldier had been broached, Bucky telling her about the painting he’d done and the strange coloring process. He had finished it, and Steve had actually hung it up in the art room, stating that he was going to do that with anything Bucky painted. Bucky recalled rolling his eyes at this.

“Its not that great Steve.” He had told him. “I kind of wouldn’t mind stuffing it in the attic.”

“It is good Buck.” Steve had told him, his hands on his shoulders. “It’s part of your recovery and its beautiful.”

“He’s so corny.” He’d told Amelia, shaking his head. “Putting it up he’s parent putting his kids non-sensical drawing of a purple horse or something.”

“He’s proud of you.” She had replied, smiling at him. “And he wants you to see that you’re doing good. That’s you’re helping yourself.”

It had always amazed him the way she could turn something he said and think about it in a new way. That Steve’s pride in his work wasn’t about humoring him but about seeing that value in himself.  Through therapy he was starting to learn about the ways his mind had been manipulated into certain thought processes. One of which was a lack of belief in his own self-worth.

It was a bit enlightening to start understanding this.

But the thing that had stayed on his mind all the way home and while he was unwinding was her thoughts on the actual origin of the Soldier personality in his head. It had come up while he was lamenting the pain he was in from his various injuries and she had speculated that the original fall and severe head trauma, mixed with the overall trauma in general may have been a catalyst for it to happen. She’d read cases of it, because spontaneous personality disorders like this didn’t just show up in adults with fully formed brains. Head trauma could’ve been an underlying cause mixed with the brutal way he was treated after.

Bucky had recalled that the doctors had told him that the original skull fracture would’ve killed anyone else, but whatever they’d given him had helped him survive it.

His memories of that fall were fuzzy and disjointed. Fractured images of laying on the ground, bleeding into the snow. Of being scared and confused. It was plaguing him and he had started a new painting as a result, depicting this memory through a first person point of view.

That blue white for the snow. Red for his blood staining it. Dark blue for the jacket that couldn’t come close to keeping him warm. Brown for his paints. Black for the boots he’d worn.  And a little grey for the shadow that seem to loom over the POV shot. He used all these colors and created the picture from the fragmented memory.  And it appeared on the canvas fast, almost frighteningly so.

Bucky sat back and looked at it, feeling the shiver from the cold, the wet snow seeping into his clothes. The intensity of the pain that ravaged his body. His arm twisted and torn. 

He just stared at it, captivated and terrified at the same time, his body trembling slightly. He was pretty sure he didn’t want Steve to see this, considering the guilt he was working through. But he also knew in a way that this was own way of working these things out now. Like writing in his notebooks, it had become an outlet and he had to keep facing it, however he pulled these painful things out

Just then he felt something on the chair next to him, and felt a warm furry body insinuate itself between his metal arm and his waist. He looked down and smiled as Arya’s pretty green eyes looked up at him. She meowed and rubbed her little face against him. And he immediately felt his nerves calm slightly.

“Her there little darlin’” He said softly, petting her. “Come to hang out.”

She meowed again and sat down under his arm, purring. He was starting to believe what people said about animals being cathartic. She certainly had a calming effect just being there. He re-focused on the painting, trying to focus on the moment.

Fresh pain went through his head from the headache that hadn’t really gone away, just gone dormant. Remembering the way his eyes went everywhere as they carried him through the snow, and how blinding that snow was.

_“Sergeant Barnes..”_

That monster staring at him in wonder, snow swirling around him. Feeling the intensity of his fear at that moment. The knowledge he wasn’t getting away this time.

That there was worse coming.

He petted Arya, using her presence as a grounding force to remind him he was safe now. That he wasn’t in their hands anymore. That they couldn’t hurt him now.  He picked up the brush with his other hand, painting more details into the painting, such as tracks in the snow and the pattern of the blood as it flowed out of his arm.  The snowflakes in the air. It was fitting that it had been snowing hadn’t it? In what other environment would the Winter Soldier been born in  initially born anyways. 

When he finished, he sat back again a little and looked at it even more amazed and frightened by how he’d made this image come to life. He’d never had any formal training, in fact Steve was more the artist, but he had pulled this, just like the Winter Soldier painting, right out of his mind and on the canvas just by concentrating the way he had. He picked up Arya absently with his metal arm and sat with her in his arms and stared at in wonder for a moment.

It had felt good to get it out to be honest.

He felt Arya snuggled a little against his chest, purring her little heart out and he smiled, kissing her little forehead. “Thanks little darlin’.” He whispered to her, feeling her paw touch his face. “You’re helping you know?”

She purred a little more and tucked her face under his chin and Bucky could feel her whiskers tickling his skin. He felt emotional and held her to him, which she didn’t seem to mind at all, just continue to purr. He felt a few stray tears in his eyes, thinking she was as far removed from the horrors he’d seen as anything could be. She had no idea what or who he’d been, didn’t care, just wanted to cuddle and wasn’t that something? It was a sweet feeling really.

His mind was still broken, and he still felt unstable, but this little ball of fur did not care about that. She didn’t see him that way at all.

Hearing Steve coming up the stairs caused him to reach over and pulled the protective cover over the painting. He was not ready to show him this yet. For Steve’s own sake as well as his own. Eventually, just not now. He wiped his eyes a little, knowing it would do absolutely no good, but it didn’t matter.

He also elected to cover his paints as well, recalling how Arya had walked through them and tracked multi-colored paw prints all over the house. After lamenting it for just moment, they elected to not wash them off the floor, especially on the stars. It had added a little touch of home to the place, like a child’s handprints on the wall. But he didn’t want a repeat either. Because cleaning those little paws had been an adventure to say the least.

“There you two are.” Steve declared, walking in the room just as Bucky was finishing up. “Thought you’d ran off somewhere.”

Bucky rolled his eyes in mock irritation, Array sitting in the crook of his metal arm as he put things away. “Where else would we be dumbass?” He asked, motioning to the window. “it’s pouring out and you know she hates getting wet.”

They did have a little harness for her to take her outside occasionally. She didn’t walk, she was carried when she went with them on walks, but the harness was simply to make sure she didn’t scamper off when she was put down when they stopped for something.. It was burgundy colored, and Wanda had gotten it for her, among other things, her self-declared Godmother spoiled her as much as her Daddies did it seemed.

Steve took a good look at his face got concerned. “You okay?” He asked as Bucky closed the last paint set. “Something wrong?”

“I don’t know.” He said quietly, not looking at him. “Just thinking about shit that’s all.”

He put Arya back down on the floor and watched her scamper off to parts unknown. Almost as if she knew she done her part to help him and let her Dad’s talk now. Sometimes he wondered how much they understood about humans. He was thinking a lot more than we thought they did.

“Anything do with that?” Steve asked, motioning to the covered canvas.

“Maybe.”

“Can I see it yet?”

Bucky tried to hide the caught feeling he had but knew he was failing at it. He just shook his head in a barely perceptible way. “Not yet.” He answered honestly. “Its not ready yet.”

That was a lie, and Steve probably knew it was. He had finished it, it just wasn’t time yet.  Steve didn’t push it, seemed to understand that and just walked over, putting his hands on his face.  One of his hands smoothed his hair back and feeling of the warm hand on his aching head caused his eyes to flutter shut for a moment.

“Feeling any better?” He asked softly, searching his eyes as they opened back up.

“A little.” He replied, letting his own hands rest on Steve’s arms. “Everything still hurt, but it’s just a dull fucking ache now so I suppose that’s good.”

They had picked up a few recommended over the counter pain-killers and Bucky had reluctantly took them, just make Steve feel better. He did feel a bit better now he had to admit. So his answer wasn’t total bullshit.

“That’s somewhat good.” Steve answered, giving him a kiss on the head. “How about I make you some supper gorgeous and we just sit around and watch tv the rest of the night?”

Bucky actually smiled, thinking that would actually hit the spot. “I think that’s the best idea you’ve ever had punk.” He told him, pulling him a little closer. “I’m into that.”

Steve grinned in response and pulled him into a kiss that Bucky did not refuse. His blonde idiot was just as good as Arya at making him forget about his shit for a bit and he loved them both for it. He smiled into wrapping his arms around Steve’s neck, once again getting paint of his shirt and not giving a dam about it.

Suddenly he felt Steve lower his arms and wrap those strong hands around his thighs, lifting him up into his arms.  Bucky smiled even broader, always loving when he did this. Loving how strong he was that he could lift and carry him so effortlessly. Remembering how he used to carry Steve over his shoulder and just look at him now.

“Gonna carry me the whole way Captain?” He asked him breathlessly, pulling his lips away and nuzzling his nose.

“Sure am.” Steve answered, giving his ass a playful little squeeze. “Anything for my Sergeant.”

Bucky grinned and nuzzled his neck a little more. “Such a gentleman.”

He laughed as Steve carried him down the stairs, past the colorful paw prints on them.  Little things that was making his house a home now.

\--

They had exactly that, having a supper that consisted of some gourmet mac n’ cheese topped with some parmesian crusted chicken, which had become one of Bucky’s favorite meals, so Steve made it a lot. He had actually enjoyed cooking, his mother had taught him, and she had been a great cook. Bucky had often stayed over their house just for that alone he’d teased Steve as they ate.

“And cause I kinda liked you too.” He said through a mouthful of food. “But your mom’s cooking was you know, the main reason.”

“Glad to know I least came in second.” He had teased back as he served himself.

“Oh don’t be offended punk.” Bucky had sassed him. “Your mom was a great cook.”

It was good to see he was feeling a bit better now. He supposed the pain-killers had helped. Their little excursion under the Brooklyn Bridge again had certainly helped earlier as well. It was starting to become a regular thing to take him parking after doctor’s appointments. It had relaxed him after that stress and Steve had certainly seen nothing wrong with this. Taking care of him in those moments was a duty he was more than happy to perform when warranted.

Now they were laying on the couch, watching some stupid movies, some of which were funny in stupid way which he supposed it was the point really. They just didn’t seem as imaginative as they used to be but got some laughs. Just mindless entertainment.

Bucky had fallen asleep after a while, in his favorite position on the couch, somehow managing to tuck his large body between Steve and the back of the couch. His metal arm draped over Steve’s waist, head on his shoulder. Arya of course had joined them, laying right next to Bucky’s arm on Steve’s stomach on top of that very large fleece blanket. He could feel her purring through it, her little body twitching, like she was dreaming of chasing birds or something.

Bucky twitched occasionally too, but not for pleasant reasons he knew, most of these twitches resulting his arm tightening around Steve, and an occasional whimper. Steve, always, kept his hand in his hair, stroking it comfortingly until he calmed down.

It was still raining like hell outside and apparently was supposed to do it tomorrow as well, which he knew didn’t help Bucky’s mood. The doctor saying the lower pressure caused pretty much any healed fractures he’d had to ache like crazy. Steve knew that, having a few of those himself, but not as many as Bucky had. It didn’t help the headache and fatigue either.  In spite of this, he somehow had managed to be in decent spirits. Or was at least trying to be.

Steve thought about the painting that he wouldn’t let him see, which of course made him curious about it. But he also knew he’d never lift that cover unless Bucky wanted him to. It would be like reading his journals.  It was his way of expressing himself, part of his therapy and it was clearly helping him.

That Winter Soldier painting, that Bucky wasn’t sure of, Steve had hung it up in there because it was an expression of himself. Of his progress forward even if Bucky didn’t think it was important. Even if it frightened him a little.

“What the hell are we watching?” Bucky mumbled against his chest. “It’s kinda stupid.”

Steve smiled at that, looking at the tv. “yeah it is.”

“Damn it’s still fucking raining too.” Bucky observed as well. “Lovely.”

“Yeah unfortunately right through tomorrow.”

“Well that just sucks.”

“Yup it does.” He told him, brushing his lips over his forehead. “But Sunday looks good so we can take the bike down to Clint’s.”

They had a standing invitation for a BBQ out at Clint’s farm in the boonies of New York State, for Sunday and while Bucky had shown apprehension at first he seemed to have warmed to it. Especially considering he knew and was comfortable with most of the people that were going to be there.  And the idea of taking the bike out had appealed to him as well. Even if he still couldn’t drive it himself yet due to some lingering medical restrictions.

The doctors were concerned about the potential for seizures and passion out that came with his neurological issues. He had not had a major incident, just the headaches and fatigue, but they wanted to be sure.  It was frustrating process but it simply a safety issue, which Bucky had grudgingly accepted for now. The last thing he’d wanted was to be a danger to anyone at this point.

Once those restrictions were lifted, Steve had fully intended to get Bucky his own bike, something he hadn’t told him yet because until permission was granted it was moot point.  But he knew he liked riding on it, and would love to give him some more autonomy once he was medically cleared for it. 

Until then he had to settle for riding on the back of it. Which he seemed fine with. Once the weather improved they were planning on doing it quite a bit too.

“I’m kinda looking for forward to that Rogers. “ He told him, nuzzling his chest. “Getting on that thing again.” He felt him smile against his neck and nip him a little. “And you look hot on that  thing just saying..”

“Do I now?”

“Sure do punk.” Bucky purred into his ear. “It is a beautiful sight.”

“I’ll take your word for it.”

“You are planning on wearing a helmet right?” Bucky asked, a slight tinge of motherly concern in his voice.

“I only got one jerk and it’s going on your head.”

“Dammit punk. “Bucky said sounding a bit mortified as he lifted his head. “What do you mean you only have one?”

“Because I do.” He told him, amused by his look. “Besides your head is more important than mine. “ He gave him a playful kiss on the head. “You’re the smart one remember?”

Bucky shook his head in disbelief. “That’s it I’m getting you an idiot helmet.” He told him, sounding exasperated now. “I’ll get it sent one-day shipping.” He tapped Steve’s forehead with his metal finger. “Someone’s gotta look out for that one brain cell left in that pretty blonde head of yours.”

Steve just smiled and grabbed his face, kissing him solidly before answering. “Always looking out for me.” He whispered against his lips, pulling him a little closer. “Just like always.”

“That’s cause I love you punk.”  punk.” Bucky whispered back, a trifle breathlessly. “Damned if I know why sometimes.” He seemed to smile a little. “Your kind of a pain in the ass.”

“I don’t know why either.” Steve told him, fisting his hair gently to lay their foreheads together. “I just know I love the h ell out of you too jerk.”

He saw those blue eyes of his seem to shimmer with some emotion. Like earlier in the art studio. And then he buried his face in Steve’s neck as if hiding it. Steve kept his fingers bunched up and the gorgeous brown hair of his, and rested his chin on top of his head.

“What is it?” He asked with some concern.

“Nothing.” Bucky answered. “Just still feeling a bit rough that’s all.”

Steve frowned to smiled. “I whish I could do something about that.” He lamented. “You know, make you feel better.”

“You are.”

“Am I?” He asked. “How?”

“Just by being here.” Bucky answered quietly. “Trust me it helps.” Steve felt him sigh against his neck. “Its better than being alone.”

He’d been alone Steve knew. It hurt him to think of all those years he spent by himself. Not just surrounded by his enemies but being completely alone while putting his head back together. Steve had seen what he’d went through in the last 8 months, and he’d been there for that. The sheer strength he had to be out there on his own doing it made his heart with love and pride but also hurt because he had to do it by himself.

“I wish I could’ve been there for you Buck.” He said softly, brushing his hair with his fingers. “I’m sory.”

“You’re here now.” Bucky whispered, snuggling against him. “That’s all that matters Steve.” He then seemed to snort a little against Steve’s neck right then. “Now please find something else to watch cause this sucks so much it’s giving me a headache and annoying the cat.”

Steve looked at Arya, who was sleeping on his stomach without a care in the world. “Whatever you say jerk.”

He found a better movie and put it on and they spent the rest of a rainy Friday night doing just that.

\--

The next day Bucky enlisted Wanda’s help again. Steve had taken the bike out for a last minute tune-up and Bucky called her the second he left.

“I need to get a helmet for that idiot.” He told her as she came to pick him up. “If he thinks I’m letting him drive all out the way out to Clint’s place without one he’s dumber than he looks.”

Wanda had thought that statement pretty hilarious when they got in the car. It was an overcast, drizzly day and Bucky still had a damn headache because of it. But it wasn’t pouring at least. They hit several shops while, finding ones that were open on holiday weekends. Bucky was very specific on the quality of the helmet he wanted, not just wanting any cheap thing.

“This idiot thinks he’s indestructible I need the best one possible. “ He said to a clerk at one point and Wanda was just about in hysterics, looking for a leather jacker for herself while there. Bucky rolled his eyes. “Seriously you have no idea what I’m dealing with here.” He corrected himself. “What I HAVE been dealing with since the damn 20’s.”

After being reassured he had that best one possible they finally got one and then made for a coffee shop to get a drink. Wanda introduced to this organic tea blend that was working wonders for his headache. And any lingering anxiety that his medication didn’t take care of.

“What the hell is this anyways?” He asked her as they sat at a local organic coffee shop. “It’s working.”

“That ‘shit’ is Ginger Tea with Lemon and honey.” She explained, drinking her own Green tea. “And you can make it make it at home, we’ll pick up some at the store and I’ll show how to do it.”

“It tastes damn good too that’s for sure.” He admitted. “Better than what we used to use. “

“And what was that?”

“Whiskey.” He said, chuckling and drinking more of the tea. “They used for teething kids if you could believe that.”

“Well this is better for you than that.” She told him, stirring hers, her black sparkly nail polish twinkling from the low overhead light. “Could even help with the anxiety.” She observed him for a moment before continuing. “How are you doing with that?”

Bucky shrugged. “Better I guess.” He admitted, not sure how to answer. “Haven’t had an attack in a while. Suppose it could be the medication.” He stirred his own tea. “Or maybe cause I’m just avoiding my triggers.”

She smiled at him. “You doing really good you know?”

“Yeah.” He answered, looking around the shop almost as if scanning it. “That’s what everyone’s saying.”

“But you don’t think so?”

He paused in thought for a moment, thinking of the painting he was currently working on. The traumatic memory it was displaying. He understood he was expressing himself, but it did scare him a bit. What if he started painting other, even more disturbing things. It was all in there, all the horror that he endured and was somewhat afraid to show.

He didn’t want to end up painting anything about the Room for example. But he couldn’t control what came out he was sure. He needed an opinion on it. And he couldn’t show Steve this yet.

“I’m not sure.” He said after a moment. “There’s something I need to show you.” He saw the curiosity in her eyes as she waited for him to finish. “I kinda need your opinion.”

She nodded as if in understanding and Bucky felt some relief that there was someone he could show this to. He trusted her opinion on these things. She was, like Sam, another friend he could bounce stuff off of outside therapy. Especially if it was something he couldn’t talk to Steve about.

Once they were done at the shop, they went to the store to pick up a few ingredients for the tea, and Wanda could not help herself, picking up a cute little catnip mouse for Arya as well. Bucky rolled his eyes at this latest thing.

“What?” Wanda said with an annoyed flick of her own eyes. “She’s practically my cat too you know?”

“She’s already spoiled.”

Wanda grinned at that. “So one more is not gonna hurt.”

Array loved the mouse when she gave it to her, nuzzling up against Wanda’s boots until she picked her up and loved on her as they went up the stairs to the art room again. She smiled, noticing Arya’s contribution to the art décor of the house by way of colored paw prints.

“We got another little artist don’t we?” She cooed at her as she carried her. “A whole family of them.”

They went into the room and Bucky took a deep breath before uncovering it to show her. She walked over to it, holding Arya in arms and studied it, taking in the images it portrayed in stark winter colors. She looked back and her eyes were sad yet curious.

“It’s beautiful, and sad. There’s pain behind it.” She told him and sat down on the chair next to the easel. “What’s it about?”

He let out a breath in that fact that she said it was beautiful. That she sensed the sadness and the pain in it. Could recognize it. He wasn’t necessarily sure whether the empathy had to do with her powers or just observational abilities, but he had a feeling she would never use the former on him. Would never invade his mind like that, so it assumed it to be the latter. Which was why he wanted to tell her about it.

“It’s when I fell.” He told her, sitting down himself. “It’s the first images I remember. It was cold and I was in pain. I was scared.” He bit his lip at the memory of it. “The shadow is them coming to get me”

“It’s where it began for you wasn’t it?” She asked softly, balancing Arya on her lap. “Where it all started.”

“They had me before that.” He explained. “That was bad enough but I got away.. Steve saved me. But whatever they did to me there is reason I survived that fall. Because I should’ve died.”

His hand shook slightly thinking about the initial experiment as well. When they had injected him with the serum and he had screamed because it hurt so damn much. He could feel his body changing against his will. It had been a terrifying feeling that few could understand. He knew Steve would understand it. And he thought maybe Wanda did too. She had been changed as well. And had never asked for it.

“But this was where he came about wasn’t it?” She asked, nodding to the portrait of the Winter Soldier on the wall. “this was the real beginning. And that scares you.”

“Yeah.” He admitted. “It does.”

“Have you shown this to Steve?” She asked him. “the painting I mean.”

He shook his head softly. “I can’t.” He said, running his hand through his hair nervously. “He blames himself for that fall and I don’t want to cause him any more pain right now.” He looked out the rain soaked window absently. “I’ve done enough of that.”

“I understand.” She told him, reaching over and putting her hand on his. It glowed slightly but in a pleasant, comforting way. “You should show him though because it’s very good. It shows your feelings quite well.”

Bucky decided she was right, he should, but he was going to wait until after they got back from Clint’s. Let Steve have a nice weekend where he didn’t have to deal with this shit for a bit. It did feel like a relief to come to this decision as well as sharing it with Wanda too. She was like a god send and he was grateful for his newfound friendship with her.

Just then he heard the door open and smiled a little. “Speaking of that.”

It was a testament to how soundproof the house was that when the windows were closed you couldn’t hear a damn thing outside. Or he would’ve heard the bike in the garage. Wanda got up, using her free hand, the one not holding a napping Array, to pull the cover back over the painting for him.  He gave her a grateful smile and she nudged him a little with her elbow.

“You’re secrets safe with me.” She told him, putting her arm around him. “As long as you want it to be.”

“Thanks kid.” He replied, putting his own around her, surprised at how easy this was becoming now. “Let’s go show our favorite idiot his new present.”

\--

Steve had run into Sam while he was out and brought him home, and was surprised to find Wanda there as well. So they had themselves a little impromptu pre-BBQ get-together, ordering pizza for supper. They play cards and shot the shit, giving each other shit and generally having a great time while Arya played endlessly with her new catnip mouse.

It was a nice night with good friends and Steve enjoyed himself greatly. And as far as he could tell, so did Bucky. He was laughing and having fun, trading sarcastic bards with Sam and fighting over the last few slices of pepperoni. Every time he’d reach for one of Sam’s beers Steve would take it away, reminding him he was on medication and couldn’t do that.

“You’re no fun Rogers.” Bucky would pout and keep trying just to annoy Steve. “Lighten up.”

“You may not give a damn about yourself but I do.”

Bucky rolled his eyes at Sam. “He’s so dramatic.” He told him. “I could put down 2 fifths of whiskey and be just fine.”

“Now that would be interesting. “Sam mused. “I’d like to see that.”

Steve shook his head playing his card hand. “Don’t encourage him.” He said and then leaned over to whisper in Bucky’s ear. “Behave yourself jerk.”

Bucky saluted and winked. “Aye Aye Captain.”

Once the party broke up, both of them needing to get home to bed, they said their goodbye knowing they’d see each other at Clint’s tomorrow. Once they were both gone Bucky closed the door behind them and turned around, leaning against slightly provocatively, a knowing grin on his face.

“It’s cute that you’re concerned about me punk.” He told him with a saucy tone as Steve came closer to him. “But the doctor didn’t’ say I couldn’t drink you know?”

“I know.” Steve replied, his hands leaning on the door on either side of Bucky’s head. “But it takes a lot for you to get drunk remember?”

Bucky’s fingers got a grip on his shirt as looked steadily into his eyes. “Yeah I know.” Bucky said staring into his eyes. “But it doesn’t mean I can’t so..”

“I don’t want you poison yourself trying to show off to Sam okay?” He told him, leaning over and nipping his neck. “Think of your liver.”

“That’s not exactly what I’m thinking about right now punk.” Bucky whispered to him, fisting Steve’s shirt. “if you get me.”

He was liking the sassy look on Bucky’s face, the way he pushed back ever so slightly. That mini rebellion he sometimes staged. His hand lifted off the door and took a handful of Bucky’s hair firmly. That sparkle went back into his eyes again. That feisty fuck-me look he got that said pretty much anything goes and part of him wondered if he did sneak a beer or two. Probably had, he hadn’t been watching him the whole time.

“I get you loud and clear jerk.” He growled and saw Bucky’s eyes light up a little more.

He crushed his lips to his, pressing him against the door, hearing Bucky moan softly into his mouth and pull on his shirt a little. It was searing and intense, their tongues actively wrestling for control. And he did taste some beer along with the pizza. Sneaky shit. He hadn’t even seen him do it. He kissed him even harder, fingers tightening in his hair as he pressed into him.

“I got you a present.” Bucky gasped breathlessly as they finally pulled apart.

Steve kept his hair fisted in his hand as he stared into his eyes. “Did you now?”

“Uh huh.” Bucky answered, his lips swollen, face flushed. “It’s on the couch.”

He stepped back and looked into the living room and sure enough there was a bag sitting there. He’d hadn’t been in there so he hadn’t noticed it. He looked back at Bucky who looked slightly scrambled from that kiss but otherwise in possession of himself and let go of his hair slowly, giving him a knowing, even somewhat predatory look.

“Okay then.” He told him, allowing him to finally move away from the door. “But I’m not done with you sweetheart.”

Bucky grinned knowingly. “Counting on it punk.”

Steve picked up the bag and took the helmet out, smiling at it. It was blue, the same color as his suits and knew that’s why Bucky had picked the color.  He shook his head and looked over at Bucky who was leaning on the wall with his arms crossed. Looking particularly delicious to him in those jeans and that perfectly fitting t-shirt he couldn’t wait to pull off later.

“Now you got no excuse to not wear a helmet now.”

“I guess I don’t.” He replied and put it on the table. “Great color choice by the way.”

“It matches your suit.” Bucky said with a sultry look in those teal colored eyes of his. “That tight little number you got in the closet.”

He smiled, thinking of the times he’d worn that for him and the way it drove Bucky crazy every time. It was fun as hell to pleasure him wearing it and it always resulted in some very fun times. Times when he was pretty sure they’d woken the neighbors. He was sure Bucky was subconsciously thinking of that when he selected it in that color.

“it’s not the only reason I got it you know.” Bucky told him, cocking his head to one side. “I’m as concerned about your head as you are about my liver.”

“Speaking of that.” He replied walking over to him. “You had beer breath you sneaky shit.”

Bucky smiled that smile again, asking for trouble now. “Well I guess I’m just not good at behaving am I?”

“No you are not.” He answered, leaning over him again. “Gonna have to correct that.”

“Looking forward to it punk..”

That defiant way he said that word and the total fuck me look was all the inspiration he need.  He grabbed his hair and pulled him to him again, hitting him with another searing kiss before lifting him and taking him right to the couch. Where he proceeded to divest him of that shirt and those jeans. And Bucky seemed to have no complaints about this.

\--

The ride to Clint’s farm was actually very nice, relaxing almost. There was no one on this particular road and the countryside going by was beautiful, reminding him of their ride up to Lake George last fall. Bucky badly wanted to go back there again. But this was good for now.

And he had to admit, the sight of Steve on that bike was something. Made Bucky think about riding other things as well. He’d come to accept the fact that he was just one horny bastard. But when you had Captain America in your bed regularly how could you not be right?

It was his civic duty after all to salute that masterpiece almost daily.

He sat on the back of the bike, his arms around Steve’s mid-section, taking in the scenery, daydreaming about scenarios involving the bike and Steve in leather chaps. He entertained himself with this quite happily for the 2hours it took to get to Clint’s. Taking in the fresh air once they were out of the city.

They made a pit stop somewhere in the boonies of New York Stated and Bucky had been unable to help himself, climbing onto Steve’s lap on the bike and enjoying a little public makeout session right on the bike. His fingers dug into Steve’s hair and he could feel the other man’s hands on his hips, the warms of his fingers through the material in his jeans and it was just glorious.

“Enjoying yourself huh?” Steve asked their lips parting briefly.

“Uh huh.” Bucky agreed, smiling before leaning in again. “Very much so.”

He could feel Steve’s hands trail over his things, and he moaned softly, kissing him again just as heated this time. Wishing they were somewhere hidden because damn he was all keyed up now.

“What are you thinking about beautiful?” Steve asked right in his ear.

Bucky bit his seductively and pulled back to look in his eyes. “I was thinking.. “ He mused, nuzzling his his  neck with his lips.  “That I’d like to ride you and the bike at the same time.”

“That’s not exactly safe.” Steve observed, getting a better grip on Bucky’s legs. “We’d probably crash.”

“Yeah probably.” Bucky agreed and pulled Steve’s lips back to his. “ But what a way to die though..”

He wasn’t planning on dying anytime soon. Those thoughts were long gone. He had to much to live for an experience, even if living was hard sometimes. But in moments like this, the freedom to just kiss the love of your life right out in public. To be able to breath free air while doing it. To have a life at all felt like a gift, and it made him want to try harder and push himself further along the path to wholeness again.

So he took some time to really enjoy himself. Making out on the bike and not giving a shit about who saw it.

Soon they were back on their way again, roaring through the countryside until they go to the farm. Bucky had to admit he had a nice spread. A lot of land with some farm animal running around, including a couple of very friendly dogs who just about killed him with kindness. Bucky thought, amused, that Arya wasn’t going to too happy about that smell on him but she’d forgive him quickly. Hell she had the whole house to adorable little self today.

They were already cooking hot dogs and hamburgers and pretty soon everyone was happily passing around potato salad and chips and even some beers. Steve had said he could have a few just keep in it moderation and Bucky rolled his eyes again.

“Okay dad.” He sassed. “How many is ‘moderation’ anyways?”

“Just try to keep it under a dozen alright?”

“Such a fuddy duddy.” Bucky said to Sam again. “Like a grampa.”

“Hey you’re older than me jerk.”

“That’s right punk I’m your elder don’t forget that.”

He winked and pulled a can of beer out and proceeded to open it using just the metal fingers on his hand rather than the tab. Which didn’t seem to impress Sam, who was already a little tipsy Bucky observed, amused by this. He must have been pregaming before they got here.

“You know you don’t have to show off Barnes.” He told him, stuffing a hot dog into his mouth. “I saw you pull out my steering column remember?”

Bucky actually surprised himself by laughing at that. “You gonna forgive me for that Wilson?” he asked, putting down a beer. “Or you gonna keep crying about it?”

Sam gave him a pouty look. “I liked that car.” He lamented, downing a beer himself.

“I’ll buy you a new one.” He told him, still chuckling. “Here have another beer.”

He was having a great time, feeling accepted here by everyone. It was a small group but he knew and liked pretty much all of them. Eating hot dogs and hamburgers and tossing what Bucky called mini-me shield, meaning a frisbee with Captain America colors on it back and forth. It was sometimes stolen by Clint’s retriever who simply did like giving it back.

“Should’ve brought the bigger one.” Bucky mused. “I’d like to see the dog catch that.”

“Sorry I couldn’t fit both that and you on the bike jerk.” Steve explained as he tossed the frisbee back to one of Clint’s kids.

“I would’ve chosen the shield.” Sam quipped and Bucky gave a mock offended look.

“That’s it.” Bucky replied, grabbing the beer he was holding. “You’re off the Christmas list Big Bird.”

It was a good day that was for damn sure. And Bucky got himself a little bit of buzz. He could not possibly get drunk on that shit, the serum didn’t allow it, his body breaking it down quicker, but he could feel that happy little feeling of being slightly tipsy. He felt like a normal damn person and was loving every minute of it.

Including being the volunteer to set off the fireworks because his arm was perfect for that. No worries about burns or anything. Plus he was a good marksmen, could put it at the right height and distance to ensure no one, especially the kids, could get hurt by it. And the leaping retriever couldn’t catch it either.

And Wanda for her part helped with that too, any malfunctioning ones were kept off the ground and out of danger.

Later that night at the firepit, Bucky sat on the blanket with his head on Steve’s shoulder feeling buzzed and happy for a variety of reasons. He hadn’t thought of anything close to bad or upsetting and it was a great feeling. He knew it wouldn’t last but he was happy to extend it for as long as possible.

“I love you pookie.” Buck said in a playful tone, lifting his eyes cutely to look at Steve.

Steve chuckled at this silly nickname. “I think your actually kind of drunk.”

“I can’t get drunk dumb dumb.” He corrected him. “Just that kinda happy you know?”

“Well you did have about a dozen beers so I’m not surprised.”

Bucky grinned and nuzzled under his ear, not caring if the others saw him. He was among friends. “Thirteen actually. “ He told him, snickering a little. “I snuck an extra one while you were in the bathroom.”

Steve shook his head as if he suspected. “What am I going to do with you?”

“There’s lots of things you can do with me Captain.” Bucky teased, unable to help himself. “And I’m game for all of it.”

“Well then.” Steve whispered in his ear. “We’ll have to discuss that when we get home.”

Sam rolled his eyes at them. “You two are ridiculous.”

Bucky chuckled and tossed a roasted marshmellow at him. “Don’t be hatin’ Wilson.”

The sun was now completely down, and the stars came out, so many more than you could see in the city and Bucky thought to himself that it had been a perfect couple of days.  He leaned more into Steve, took a deep breath, knowing it couldn’t possibly last, but he was gonna enjoy it while it did. Surrounded by good friends and in the arms of someone he loved.

And that small part of him that thought he didn’t deserve this was relatively quiet for once.  Because he was starting to think that maybe he did.

\--

The ride home had been somewhat exhausting and they both were worn out. Practically collapsing into bed and wrapped up in each other’s arms. The cat had joined them, curling up next to them. Steve stared at Bucky who looked tired but happy today. Barely able to keep his eyes open like an over-tired child.

“Had a good time huh?” He asked, brushing some hair from his face.

“Yeah.” Bucky sighed, smiling sleepily. “But I’m exhausted.” He chuckled.  “Is this what being normal is like?”

He had had quite a bit to drink but Steve didn’t really care about that today. He had been enjoying himself so much it didn’t’ really matter. He wanted him to have fun, and to understand that he was allowed and deserve to. That what happened to him, and his recurring ailments did not define who he was.

“Yeah Buck.” He told him, kissing his forehead. “This is normal.”

“Good.” Bucky said sleepily, laying his head on Steve’s shoulder. “Cause I like it.”

He watched him doze off, his metal arm draped over him, a smile on his face. Steve laid there for a little while watching him, absently petting the cat with his other h and before he too fell asleep, exhausted himself.

He woke up a little while later to feeling of Bucky getting up out of bed. He was attuned to this quite well due to the many incidents and therefore noticed that subtle shift quite quickly.  He saw him leave the room and walk down the hall, the nightlight casting his shadow across the room for a moment. Steve hesitated before getting up himself, before realizing he wasn’t going downstairs to the kitchen. Or the bathroom, seeing as how it was adjacent to the room and all.

So he got up, giving Arya a scratch on the head, who watching this unfold curiously before going back to sleep as cats did. He then followed him and found him in the art room.

Starting at the painting f the Winder Soldier on the wall. As if studying it. Steve noted the current painting covered up on the easel. The one Bucky didn’t want to show him for some reason. He was curious but didn’t give it much consideration at this moment.

“Bucky?” He asked, not sure if it was actually him. “What are you doing?”

He didn’t respond at first, turning his head slightly toward Steve and he could see it was kind of not him. He had to think of it that way. They were, after all, the same person.

“This is me.” He said calmly, looking back at the painting. “He made it.”

“Yeah he did.”

“He’s scared of me.” The Soldier said in that even voice.

Steve shook his head. “He doesn’t understand you that’s all.”

The Solider tilted his head as he turned to look at Steve. “You do?”

“Yes I do.” He told him, picking up his hands. “Because your him too.”

“We have to come together.” The Soldier said. “Don’t we?”

Steve nodded, amazed how the Soldier understood this. Had accepted it in a way Bucky couldn’t  just yet. He supposed it was because of the nature of the Soldier’s existence in the first place he accepted his reality better. Understood his purpose. Bucky on the other hand saw it as a madness and he was afraid to acknowledge it and that perception had to change if he was going to get better.

“You do.”

“He’s afraid.”

“I know.” Steve said softly, lifting his hands to his face. “We have to help him not be afraid.”

“What will happen to me?” The Soldier asked, seemingly genuinely interested in the answer to this.

“I don’t know.” Steve answered honestly. “I guess you’ll just be part of him again.”

Steve felt the Soldier’s hands reach up and touch his face now, looking in his eyes and he noticed something. Something quite fascinating and beautiful. That the Soldier was looking and acting more like Bucky even if he wasn’t really Bucky at that moment. In other words the line between them was getting blurred a little. But Bucky was still resisting and until he stopped they would remain separate like this.

“You love us.” The Soldier said in strange kind of wonder.

“I do.” Steve said softly, puling him into an embrace. “I always will.”

He held him there for a little while, feeling the other man’s arm go around him too. He could feel that strange tremor in the body and then sensed confusion in the posture as well.

“Steve?” He heard Bucky ask. “What.. happened?”

Steve took Bucky’s face in his hands, seeing his confused eyes darting around as if making sure everything was okay. “It’s alright Buck.” He reassured him. “You’re okay.”

“What did I.. he do?” Bucky asked, not believing him entirely.

“He didn’t do anything Buck I swear.” He told him, brushing his hair back. “Do you believe me?”

“This is nuts.” Bucky lamented, the fear showing in his eyes again. The panic. “Don’t you see that.. I’m fucking nuts.”

“it’s okay.” He continued to say, trying to calm him before he had a full blown anxiety attack. “Just calm down and breath okay?”

He sat him down on the chair in front of the easel and crouched in front of him as he tried to get himself under control. He brushed more of Bucky’s hair back and looked in his eyes, seeing the very real fear in  them and wished he could ease it. But knew he couldn’t, only Bucky could ease his own fears about this.

“I’m scared Steve.” Bucky said finally, running his hands anxiously through his hair and resting his face on them. “I don’t know what to do.”

“I know.” He told him softly, his hands on Bucky’s. “It’s okay.”

Bucky lifted his head and turned to look at the covered painting as if considering it. “If you want to see that you can.” He told Steve, looking back at him. “Maybe you should.”

Steve looked at himself. “Are you sure?” He asked. “Because if you don’t want to show me..”

“Go ahead.” Bucky told him, motioning to it. “It’s okay.”

Steve got up and uncovered it. It took a minute for him to see it for what it was. The snow-covered landscape, the blood staining it. The drag marks in the snow.  The shadow. The sense of pain, cold and despair it showed. He knew what it was and it hurt his heart a little. Feeling that old level of guilt over it too.

“This was..” He started but couldn’t finish.

“When I fell.” Bucky finished for him. “I think it started there. I mean they tortured me before.. gave me that shit but..” He could hear the barely contained emotion in his voice. “I think that’s where it broke and they just…kept breaking it.. and I..”

Steve turned around and put his hands on Bucky’s face holding it. “I’m sorry Buck.” He whispered to him. “I’m so sorry.”

He pulled him into his arms, feeling that despair in himself again. Wondering if this would ever go away. The nightmare of seeing him fall still haunted him in spite Bucky’s reassurances that it wasn’t his fault. And the image of him laying broken in the snow like that hurt. But he knew it was therapy as well.Maybe for both of them continue to address it as much at it hurt to confront.

“I didn’t want you to.. keep blaming yourself. “ Bucky whispered into his shoulder and Steve thought he might have been crying. That quiet cry that was distinctly his. “That’s why I didn’t show you.” He Bucky clutch his shirt tightly. “Please stop doing it.. please.”

Steve cradled his head in hand and fought back his own tears too. “I’ll try Buck..”

He didn’t know if he could but right now Bucky needed that reassurance and he did his best to give it to him. Anything to make him feel better at this moment.  He kept looking up at the painting, feeling that twinge of pain that came with the memory of that horrible day.

“I mean it punk.” He heard Bucky say into his shoulder. “Stop blaming yourself.”

Steve nodded and held him tighter for now. Trying his damn best to forgive his own failure for Bucky’s sake. And maybe for his own too. He buried his own face in Bucky’s shoulder, both giving and taking comfort in the moment. Both of them needed it right now it seemed.

“I’ll stop when you stop okay jerk.” He whispered into his shoulder. “Got it?”

“I suppose that’s fair.” Bucky with a hollow chuckle and pulled back slightly, resting his head against Steve’s. His eyes were raw and red. “Maybe we need to talk.”

“Okay.” He said softly, brushing more hair away from his face. “Then lets talk.”

Bucky bit his lip , his hands on Steve’s shoulders. “Where to I even start?”

“Anywhere you want.” He told him, kissing his head softly. “We got all night.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I figured I'd expand on the last chapter a little, and set up some important upcoming subjects as well. We're really going to get into the meat of Bucky's actual therapy and his eventual merging back together again but he needs to deal with a few things first. 
> 
> I do like giving them some normalcy and domesticity like this. Showing how the support circle around him and the feeling of home he has helps him along his journey to being whole again. 
> 
> I like that he has these little rebellions and push backs. As wellas the fact that his sex life is actual very healthy. Even people who've been through serious traumas and mental illness issues can function relatively normally in those areas and it was important for Amelia to re-iterate this to him in therapy as well. So this chapter kind of really emphasizes that for that reason. 
> 
> It it also about the mutual protectiveness they have for each other as well. Symbolized by the bike helmet and Steve wanting Bucky to drink in moderation even as Bucky is trying to assert his autonomy. 
> 
> I'm glad everyone loved Aray, she will continue to be important to the story and she really does help Bucky in many ways. As does his new friendship with Wanda too. Like I said, the more support you have around you the better when you are recovering. 
> 
> Bucky and the Winter Soldier will eventually merge, the hold up obviously being Bucky right now but that fear will get addressed among other thing in the next few chapters. 
> 
> Tentative title for the next chapter is 'Talk to Me' and it will open even more up and reveal more. Bucky (and Steve) both have a lot of layers to unravel and its interesting for me to do this. 
> 
> (btw I don't have a chapter limit on this fic because I honestly dont' know how long it will end up being, it's so organic right now but I promise if I see the end in sight I will will let you know ahead of time)
> 
> Thank you for all the reviews from the last chapter I appreciate them greatly and thank you all for supporting this fic it's truly awesome and I love you all.


	25. Falling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I changed the title of this one a couple of times so sorry about that :)

The art room had a large window to allow a lot of natural, it was one of the reasons Steve had chosen it for this purpose. It faced southeast and was angled outward which served a dual purpose. Allowing the sun to shine into most of the day, providing good light to work by. It also was at a 90 degree which caused the sunlight to reflect off of it and that angle prevented anyone on the street below to see into it. It had a huge sill that functioned as very comfy sitting area that both could fit on with room to spare and that was where Bucky currently was, lost in his thoughts for the moment.

He stared out at the sleeping city, the faint glow of light on the horizon indicating the sun would soon peek over it. But not for another hour or so. It was that still time between night and day and most people were asleep. At least ones that weren’t screwed up like him and couldn’t sleep.

One of his legs was bent up on the sill, the other dangling down, occasionally swinging again the little settee next to the window. Arya had joined him, realizing that her Daddy wasn’t sleeping, neither of them were now and of course took it as a cue to come and sit with him. She had a good sense of when to be around. Bucky absently petted her with his metal hand as she curled up next to him, her head leaning against him, purring I in that low sweet way of hers. It was a comfort as always.

He was searching through his head, and really didn’t care for what he saw in there.

“Here you go.” He heard Steve say and looked up at him. “I hope it’s the way you like it.”

Steve had gotten him some tea, the one that Wanda had shown them how to make and it seemed to be a good fit for the moment. He smiled and took it from him taking a sip.

“It is.” He told him. “Thanks.”

He watched as Steve sat down opposite him, his back, like Bucky’s, against the side of the sill, giving him a proper amount of space at the moment.

“So what’s on your mind?”

Bucky sighed and looked out the window. “That I’m still awake.” He mused, petting the cat. “That I’m probably not going to sleep anytime soon.”

“So you’ll just sleep later.” Steve told him, his hand resting on his own knee. “It’s a holiday a lot of people do. It’s normal.”

It was Memorial Day now and Bucky thought there was irony to that. A day to remember the lost and the fallen. And he supposed he qualified in that regard. He looked over at the painting that he’d d finally decided to show Steve. Speaking of the fallen.

The feeling of loosing his grip, of plummeting through the air at a dizzying rate of speed. He shuddered and petted  Arya, using her a touchstone to the ground.

“I do remember falling.” He told him, his eyes still on the image on the canvas. “I don’t really remember the landing though.” He rolled his head back along the wall to look at Steve and tried to smile. “I suppose that’s good.”

He looked at Steve, trying to find the words to continue that part. To convey the feelings and emotions that the painting was successfully pulling them out. If could paint it than why couldn’t he say it. And thought maybe that was what the painting and the writing was for. To express himself because he couldn’t voice it easily.

Steve seemed to nod to him, allowing him to continue talking for now.

It was funny how people say you can’t remember pain, because he could. The general jolt of pain that went through his body whenever he thought of these things was stark a reminder that he was different in that regard. He didn’t know whether it was a side effect of their experiments or not, but he could pull up the sensation relatively quickly. The level he’d felt was akin when they’d pumped that shit into him to begin with. Completely without his consent of course.

“I just know that.. everything hurt.” He continued, hating the look on Steve’s face as he told him this but knew it had be said. To be discussed. “My whole body was just.. broken. “ He winced a little. “I shouldn’t have survived that.”

 “But you did.”.” Steve told him, his voice soft, even. “Because your strong.”

“Nobody is that strong Steve.” He said, looking back at him. “You say the X-Ray, it was a goddamn miracle.”

There had been not one, but two distinct healed fractures that that neurologist had sad could only come from a fall from a great height. There had been some other, smaller ones that had come from being hit but those two healing fissures were much more prominent. His doctor had told him that when the neurologist called, he was shocked that patient had survived it and was ambulatory. The only cases he’d ever seen had resulted in death or cataclysmic brain damage that usually resulted in vegaetative state.

Not that he was perfectly okay mind you. The headaches and potential for seizures existed as a result of this severe head trauma. As well as the mental issues as well. The way Amelia had suggested part of the cause of the Winter Soldiers emergence was this extreme damage along with the horrific torture that followed.

“I was a mess.” He said, swallowing hard and taking another sip of his tea to soothe his try throat. “They had to put me back together when they found me.”

He had no idea what he must’ve looked like at that moment, but he could imagine how physically broken he was. Because he simply couldn’t move when they came to get him. He remembered thinking in his pain infused, delirious state that it was Steve and the others that had come for him, only to realize in horror who it actually was. A shiver went through him as he remembered that feeling of hopelessness that had come over him when he saw Zola hovering over him. That his enemies had rescued him, not his friends.

As far as he was concerned, he would never tell Steve that particular thought process. That feeling of being alone and abandoned at the bottom of the mountain like that. He couldn’t lay that on him too. He just couldn’t.

“Maybe but they didn’t do it to help you.” Steve reminded him. “It was for their own selfish purposes you know that right?”

He did now, but there was a time when part of him thought he owed them something for fixing him up like that. For rescuing him. It had taken a lot of therapy for him to understand those conflicted feelings better. That it was part of the way they’d manipulated and controlled him. He understood the meaning of Stockholm Syndrome now.   That nothing they’d done had been for his own best interests. Zola had wanted his guinea pig back and he got him and after that the experiment continued. Their determination to turn him into that perfect weapon, completely against his will, with no care given to what he wanted. He wasn’t a person to them, never had been. He was an asset, nothing more.

 “I know.” He answered quietly. “I know what I was to them.” He rolled his head back to look out the window again at the lightening sky. “But the truth is, if they hadn’t given me that shit I wouldn’t have survived and we both know it.”

“That kind of sounds like you still think they’re the reason you’re alive.”

Bucky turned his head back toward the window. “I hate to admit it too but.. they are.”

“No Buck.” Steve said, a little angrily. “I refuse to give them that much goddamn credit and you shouldn’t either." He sat forward, putting his hand on Bucky’s leg. “They tortured you and forced you to take it. It wasn’t the reason you survived.”

He bit his lip, still staring out the window, petting Arya, who was still sleeping next to his leg. “Then why did I?”

“Because you were strong..”  He told him. “It had nothing to do with anything they did.” And then he heard something in Steve’s voice that he didn’t like. Guilt. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there.”

He rolled his back to look at him and saw that guilt to. “What the hell do you mean?”

“I should’ve at least tried to look for you.” Steve replied, looking out the window himself now. “Instead I was sitting in a bombed-out bar drinking and feeling sorry for myself. Probably while they were dragging you off to that hellhole.”

It hurt him to hear that, to see it in his eyes. The double headed guilt he now felt that not only did he fail to pull him up from the side of the train but also that he didn’t look for him after. But the truth was, no one believed he was alive and retrieving his body was not a priority. Bucky himself had wrestled with the feeling of abandonment and despair and had come to terms with it to some degree. But he just couldn’t let Steve sit there with that guilt either. He just couldn’t.

“Steve listen to me okay?” He said softly but firmly. “You didn’t know. You had no reason to believe I was alive. Hell I might not have been for long anyways. Zola found me by pure luck.” He reached over to touch him. “This is not on you. None of it was.”

Steve sighed looking at his hands. “That’s what Peggy said.”

“Should’ve listened to her.” Bucky said, smiling thinking about Peggy Carter. “She was a smart woman.”

“Yeah I suppose she was.”

“Gorgeous too.” He told him, unable to help teasing him just a little.

Steve raised his eyebrows at him for a moment and Bucky shook his head. “You thought so?”

“Come on Steve I did notice her.” He told him, smiling and gave him a teasing kick with his leg. “I’mnot dead you know?”

Bucky had figured out a long time ago where he was sexually and the truth was he’d always been attracted to both He had remembered thinking there was something wrong with him and felt he had hide it or suppress it, to act like a ‘normal’ person. It had been Steve that had changed his perimeters. Because loving him had felt perfectly natural and the strength of that feeling had made him bold in ways that were dangerous then. Because acting on that then could’ve gotten them both killed. So they’d hidden it publicly. But now, he could love him openly, without that fear and reservation. Without having to hide it anymore.

That had been a revelation to him, and it was the one damn thing in his life that he was goddamn proud of and would never apologize for. He was totally head over heels in love with Steve Rogers and he did not care who knew that.

“Yeah she was something.” Steve mused, a look of nostalgia on his face. “Probably was the only person besides you who liked me for me.”

“You were always special Steve.” Bucky told him, giving him a soft, lovey eyed look. “Anyone who could see that in you was cool in my book.”

Steve smiled back at him in that sweet way he’d remembered him doing as a kid. The one of someone who wasn’t used to taking that kind of praise from someone. The little sickly kid that no one else paid attention to. Maybe it was what he’d fallen in love all those years ago. That look and the feistiness and willingness to keep fighting in spite of what others said. To push back when others told him no.

“When I signed up for that, I wanted to do what was right. To help people.” Steve seemed to muse as he sat there across from Bucky on the windowsill. “To make a difference before all that crap took me out.”

“And you had nothing to prove right?”

“I suppose I did.” He admitted. “You always knew that.” He looked down at his hands for a moment as if thinking. “I just wanted to matter I suppose.”

Bucky looked at him, waiting for him to look up before he answered. “You always mattered Steve.”

Steve looked grateful when he said that, but sad at the same time and Bucky was trying to decipher why that was. He gave him a questioning look as if to ask what he was thinking about right then.

“I had a hard time after you were gone.” Steve finally explained, still

looking at his hands. “I questioned myself a lot. Even with all the good I did, all I could see was you falling.” He laid his head back against the sill. “And all I could think of was that I.. let I let you down. That I failed to save the one person I loved the most.”

Bucky felt so pained that he kept saying that. “Steve..  don’t do this.”

“No Buck.” Steve replied, sounding emotional again. “When you needed me the most I wasn’t there for you and I’m sorry.”

He simply couldn’t take the level of guilt and pain on Steve’s face at that moment and just reacted. He moved so quickly he started both Steve and the cat. He basically jumped on Steve and grabbed his shirt, his legs straddling him.

“Please stop doing this to yourself.” He whispered to him, leaning his head against Steve’s. “Please Steve.. don’t.”

“I’m trying not to but.” Steve choked out, holding Bucky’s face with his hands. “It hurts.”

Bucky gripped his shirt a little tighter feeling that pain himself. Knowing that Steve would kill himself inside for the all the years of pain and horror he’d gone through. Not understanding that he had been the one that had kept him alive through all of it. The memory of him buried deep inside that both Bucky and the Winter Soldier had kept hidden from them. That he allowed himself to see in his deepest darkest sleeps in stasis. When the mind was in a holding pattern and they weren’t asking things of him. Weren’t loading him with weapons and targets. The few moments of peace he’d ever gotten. Even with his memory blasted away it was still in there, deep inside and it kept him going.

The boy with the missing tooth. The little guy from Brooklyn would never run away from a fight. The love of his life.

Who said those nine precious words that counteracted the other ten. _I’m with you til the end of the line._

 “You didn’t fail Steve.” He told him, his voice barely above a whisper.  “You did save me.. over and over again.” He pressed his face into his. “I’m alive because of you.”

He pulled his lips to his and kissed him fiercely, feeling the intensity of the emotion. He could feel Steve’s hand sliding into his hair and fisting it softly, pulling him even closer if it was possible. He could feel the tears in his eyes and the pain in his countenance. But he could also feel the intensity of that love as well and let himself drown in that feeling.

Steve pulled his lips slightly away, keeping them close though. “I love you Buck.”

“I love you too punk.” He whispered back before leaning in and taking his lips again. “Always.”

They continued to hold and kiss each other as the sun came up over the sleeping city.  Array woke up briefly from her cat nap before getting up and stretching and bounding off the window sill and curled up on her favorite chair. She was a smart girl and knew daddies were busy now. So she yawned and went back to sleep, purring contentedly.

\--

Steve wrapped his arm around Bucky and lifted those panels on his shoulder, trailing his fingers lightly over the scar tissue, feeling the raised edges and tracing them.  His lips were doing the same in the front, lavishing attention on the sensitive flesh as he held him to him. He could the metal fingers of Bucky’s hand in his hair, hearing the soft moans and sighs he elicited from him when it did this.

It was such beautiful music to him.

They were still sitting on the windowsill, feeling no urge to move. It’s not like anyone could see them from this angle, and if they could so what? Neither one of them gave a fuck about what anyone thought. They were alive and together and that was all that mattered really.

Both their shirts were off and Steve could feel the warmth of Bucky’s flesh fingers digging into his back and way his metal ones pulled on his hair softly as he moved his lips over the scar tissue, sliding them across the ones on his chest to his shoulder and back down again paying attention to that hurt place.

They were terrible and beautiful at the same time. Terrible because of the horrific pain they represented, that he’d endured for so long. For the way his body had been mutilated for science purposes. But beautiful because he had survived it. Because of the strength it represented.  He buried his face more against them, his lips and tracing along the edge of the metal.

“Steve..” Bucky moaned, his head falling back a as he clutched him.

“Sssh.” Steve whispered against his skin. “Just relax.”

Steve remembered that when they’d removed the remainder of the arm in Wakonda that Bucky had kept it covered. That when Steve was there he would not allow him to see it. The intensity of the shame he’d felt apparent on his face. It wasn’t surprising considering how touch resistant Bucky had been then, how skittish he’d been about any physical contact.  It had carried over to when he’d finally come home after all that mess with the hospital.

He’d never seen the full extent of Bucky’s scars, they were always covered. Even though the panels could be moved back he couldn’t see all of it. But he’d wanted to. Had wanted to see all of him. He just hadn’t been ready to show him then.

Lifting his head, he looked into those ocean blue eyes, still holding him close. “How many times did they do this?” He asked carefully, knowing he didn’t always want to talk about these things. “Operated on you I mean.”

“I don’t know.” Bucky answered quietly turning his eyes to the right as if thinking about it. “I just know it was a lot.” He bit his lip. “Every time I woke up they ‘d taken more of my arm until..”

He seemed to trail off and Steve didn’t like the look on his face there. The pain and horror of remembering that. He decided if Bucky didn’t want to go any further there he wouldn’t push it. God knows he’d pulled enough over the last several months.

“It’s okay.” He reassured him, brushing his hair with his other hand. “We don’t have to talk about it.”

Bucky nodded, looking relieved. “I don’t.” He said quietly, looking away. “No right now.”

Steve trailed his fingers of his right hand over the scars that radiated out toward Bucky’s chest, knowing a lot of these were surgical scars.  Thinking he’d been violated in so many ways and operations without consent were the worst kind. He thought of Zola on the computer in the compound, basically mocking him and wished he’d had a physical fact to beat in for this terrible outrage.

 Wanting to assuage that terrible guilt in him. The feeling he’d let him down in some way.

“I wish I could’ve protected you more Buck.” He said softly as his fingers trailed along the scars. “I should’ve.”

“Steve?” Bucky asked, putting his hands on his face and lifting his head. “Do me a favor okay?”

“Anything.”

“Call your therapist tomorrow.” Bucky said softly, looking him in the eyes. “You need to talk about this.”

“I’m okay Buck.” He tried to tell him. “I really am.”

“Stop being a stubborn punk.” Bucky told him, holding his gaze.  “You’re not fine.” He pulled his face closer, their lips touching slightly. “If you won’t do it for yourself then do it for me okay? Please.”

Just the look on his face showed how concerned he was, and Steve knew he wasn’t going to let up on it. That he loved him and would not allow him to hurt himself internally. This thing went both ways.

“Okay.” He told him. “I will. I promise.”

Bucky smiled, brushing his lips over Steve’s. “Good.” He whispered. “Cause we need at least one sane person in this house.”

“Quid pro quo there jerk.” He replied hating when he said shit like that. “Stop putting yourself down.”

“But it’s true.” Bucky said, his face still only a mere inch from Steve’s. “I’m loony tunes remember?”

“If by Loony Tunes you mean beautiful and funny and perfect then I guess you are.”

“Dammit Rogers why are you so-“

Bucky didn’t get to finish because Steve didn’t let him, taking is lips in another deep languid kiss. He knew he was going to make love to him right here in the room, right on the windowsill most likely. It was wide and padded, made for sitting among other things. And all he had to do was reach down onto the couch right below it to get a pillow for his head.

It was important to protect that head after all. He always made sure of it.

He laid him down on the padding and found said pillow with his hand and positioned it between his head and the wall, all the while never breaking their kiss. He then smiled against his lips, letting his hands slide down Bucky’s sides to his hips and snagged the waistband of his sleep shorts.

“So we’re gonna do it right here huh?” Bucky mused, staring up at him with hooded eyes. “Right in front of the cat to boot.”

Steve chuckled. Looking over at Arya, who sound asleep on the chair in front of the easel. She’d moved there awhile back as knowing her Daddies needed space. That chair was one of her favorite places to sleep it seemed.

“Don’t think she’s gonna mind jerk.” He pointed it. “She’s doing her thing and we are doing ours.”

Bucky looked over at her and smiled and then back up at Steve. “This is our thing huh?”

“Yes it is..” He told him before kissing him yet again. “It’s what we do best.”

Steve then proceeded to pull those said shorts off, with assistance of course and tossed them aside before pulling back looking down at the glorious sight before him. Seeing Bucky’s sparkling blue eyes and the way the sunlight reflected off his arm, creating fractured light patterns across the room. How flushed his perfect body was, his chest heaving, his hair spread out underneath him like a fan.

He was fully planning to devour every inch of his body. Once again finding every old wound and scar and reminding him he was very much alive. They both were.

Bucky noticed the way he stared and grinned, getting that look in his eyes. “What?” He asked he asked with genuine curiosity. “You see something you like punk?”

“No I don’t.” Steve whispered, nuzzling his neck. “I see something I love.” He ran his hands slowly down his waist and over his hips reverently. “Something I couldn’t imagine living without.”

He bit down softly on Bucky’s neck, hearing him moan thickly. Leaving a mark there. He could feel Bucky’s arms wrap around his back, feeling him burying his face in his shoulder.

His eyes lifted to the painting on the easel again. Thinking of him laying broken in the snow because he couldn’t catch him. Everything that had happened since. Feeling a contortion of pain go through him at the that thought yet again. The one that simply wouldn’t leave his mind anymore. And then he felt Bucky’s hand on his face, warm and alive, turning him away from it.

“I’m here Steve.” He whispered, pulling his lips to his again. “Right here.”

He was and that was what mattered. He kissed him deeply before using his lips and hands to touch every part of his body. To kiss him even place he could. To pleasure him in every way possible. Kissing touching, strolling sensually. Bucky moaned and writhed under this onslaught, fingers digging his back, pulling his hair, wanting more.  By the time Steve had Bucky’s thighs wrapped around his neck he gasping love and praise, his blues eyes fluttering in sheer pleasure. Steve wrapped his hands tighter around his hips and feasted, drawing it out of him.

Steve pleasured him to the point of madness, using his tongue to great effect until Bucky came gloriously, moaning his appreciation. Steve then climbed over him, pulling hips to him, ready to go the last mile but Bucky had other plans.

He put his hand on Steve’s chest and pushing him back a little as he rose on an elbow to look at him. His hair was in his face, his sea-blue eyes hooded and glazed with pleasure, flushed body on full display. He looked so ridiculously hot Steve had to restrain himself from just grabbing those thighs and disregarding this teasing resistance.

“Hold that horse Rogers.” He purred, the metal fingers skating over his chest, and giving him a solid lick  right up the middle of it. “for just a minute.”

Steve ran his hand through Bucky’s hair, loving the sensation of that hot tongue of his sliding up his chest.  Seeing the teasing smile on his lips as he teased Steve a little. He let his fingers trailed down and around to Steve’s back and slid them over his ass, the metal ones slipping between his cheeks to finger him a little. Steve sucked in a breath at the feel of that, as well as the feel of hot mouth circling one of his nipples and sucking on it.

The segmented fingers felt glorious inside him, pressing against the bundle of nerves in a delicious way causing him to moan thickly. Bucky looked up at him, running his tongue over his chest again, his lips curving into a seductive smile.

“You don’t’ get to have all the fun Rogers..” He purred, using that finger to great effect. “And I know you like this. So enjoy yourself..”

Oh he was. Very much.

Those amazing fingers segmented yet warm continued to do lovely inside him as Bucky’s lips trailed up to his neck up to his chin. And then caught his lips in a deep, languid kiss, using those fingers to push him to the edge. He knew what he was doing that was for damn sure.

“Dammit Buck.” He murmured against his lips. “Shit..”

Bucky pulled back and grinned at him, finally pulling his fingers out. Steve was so wanting, so ready to just grab him and fuck the shit out of him when Bucky put his hand on his shoulder again as if to say wait again. And then Steve watched as he flipped himself around so he was on his hands and knees, his body once again inviting. He looked over his shoulder and smiled seductively at him.

“Now you can have me doll.” He told him, letting his legs slide apart even more. “Have at it.”

Steve heard himself growl at that sight, wanting him so terribly now it was actually painful.  He wanted to posses him again. Wanting to put that pain and guilt even more and just lose himself further in his desire.

 So he grabbed Bucky’s hips pulling them to him. He brought his lips to Bucky’s ear and spoke right into it. “So that’s how you want it?” He asked, that same growl in his voice.  “Anything for you sweetheart.”

He heard Bucky whimper at that tone as he pulled him back against his chest and with a shift of his hips he was inside him. He held him there for a moment, nuzzling his face against the scar tissue on his shoulder. He felt Bucky’s body shudder at the dual sensation, holding his body tight to his. He then slid his hands down and pulled his thighs apart a little more so that his legs were spread on either siide of his. He didn’t move just yet, just sat there like that.

He was planning on taking his time this morning. Letting him feel everything.

“You feel so good inside. “ He whispered in his ear. “so perfect.” He lowered his head and nuzzled more of his scars, hearing him whimper slightly. “I love you so much.”

He felt that so strongly, a wind that could knock him over. He was the love of his life, and he’d nearly lost him so many times that the idea was terrifying to him now. Remembering how lost he’d felt for so long until he saw him that day on the bridge, confused and broken but alive. And then saw the life in his eyes on carrier. The recognition. And had dedicated the rest of his life to bringing him back to him and here they were. Broken but defiant. But still here, still together.

His heart swelled with the force of the feeling he could barely contain himself.

“I love you too punk.” Bucky gasped, looking beautiful in the morning sun. “I’m all yours.”

With that he began to move against him, holding his body tightly to his. Making love fiercely right in the window without a care in the world.

\--

Bucky remembered a time when Steve barely run without being out of breath. But now, he seemed to never get tired. That was the thing with being a Super Soldier, you had a hell of a lot of stamina and it allowed them go for a while. And Bucky, having been given that same serum, was one of the few people that could keep up with him. Which was what made it so good. So fantastically good.

Sex with Steve Rogers was literally out this world because it sent him higher than any drug possible.

There had been points where Steve’s hand was around his neck, turning his head kiss him as rocked deep into. If anyone else did that but him they might have gotten killed but he loved when Steve did it. Love that feeling of gentle dominance. Something he’d never let anyone else have over again.

Expect for Steve that was.

He felt Steve push him forward until Bucky was on his hands and knees, so he could finish him. Going harder and deeper, pushing him further over that edge. He could feel him pulling him against him, deliciously pounding him until he couldn’t take it anymore, feeling his orgasm crash over him with such a powerful force, causing a long drawn out moan to come out of him.

Steve then pulled him back against his chest, still pumping softly into his ravaged body,  his hand back on Bucky’s neck as he turned his head to kiss him, swallowing the whimpers that escaped his throat.  As he felt another rise in him again. Because Steve was not done yet.  

“I know.. you got… one more in you… gorgeous.” Steve growled in his ear, getting a harder grip on his hips. “Give it me..”

Bucky whimpered, unable to find words, his body so stimulated he was overwhelmed bey it. His eyes rolled in head as he was bent over and pounded again. He couldn’t think properly, a creature of pure instinct, his whole world a pleasure haze.

And sure enough, after several more minutes of delicious pumping Bucky came again, his throat hoarse, his body spent. The other power Steve had was making him multi-orgasmic it seemed. Not that he was complaining mind you.

After Steve finally allowed himself to come, he pulled Bucky back into his arms held his’s back against his chest, their bodies still for the moment connected. Bucky’s head laid back on his shoulder, taking ragged breaths, feelings Steve’s hand resting on his head, the other around his waist. Feeling himself floating into that beautiful blissful place for a time.

 “Dammit punk.” He gasped. “I think you finally killed me.”

“Glad you enjoyed it.” He heard Steve whisper in his ear, his breath tickling his neck as he picked up Bucky’s metal fingers and kissed them. “I know I did.”

“Hmm hmm.” Bucky murmured, shifting his body and moaning slightly at the sensation. “I did.”

Bucky was vaguely aware they were still sitting right in the window, but he didn’t give a shit. Hadn’t really lately. Nobody could really see them anyways unless the were on the roof across the street. Being much more brazen felt good. Felt perfectly natural. Hell it was of the few things that truly made him feel human and alive and to him that was valuable.

So he didn’t give a shit what the neighbors thought.

Steve had pulled a quilted blanket off the couch adjacent to the window and pulled it over them, and Bucky, feeling a bit tired finally, he had been up half the night after all, turned on his side, finally separated from Steve. He groaned at the sensations and then rest his head on Steve’s very broad chest, curling up against him under the blanket.

“Hey make sure my ass is covered will ya?” He said with a smirk as he nestled in. “Don’t want it handing out the window you know..”

Steve chuckled at that, pulling the blanket more over him. “We just had sex right in the window and you’re worried about that?”

Bucky smiled and nuzzled Steve’s chest. “Your point?” He asked, nipping him playfully. “Don’t want it pressed against the window that’s all. “ He flicked his eyes up at him. “It’s only for your eyes punk.”

Steve reached down and gave said ass a little squeeze. “Damn straight.” He purred into his hair. “And such is my good fortune.”

God he could lay like this forever, his face nuzzled against Steve’s chest, his warm hand resting on his ass.  Feeling so thoroughly loved and safe under a warm blanket. He looked over at the chair in front of  the easel and saw Arya sleeping there still. It caused him to smile inside as well as out. This place truly felt like home to him now.

His eyes saw the painting on the easel, and he remembered what started this whole thing to begin with. He tightened his arm around Steve’s waist, as giving comfort. Knowing he could see it too if he opened his eyes.

“Steve?” He asked softly, kissing his chest as he talked. “You are gonna call your therapist right?”

“I will Buck.” Steve replied, his hand slowly massaging his hip under the blanket. “I promise.”

Truth was he’d been worried about him for a while. Knowing watching him suffer was taking its toll on Steve as well. Learning all the horrors that had occurred and knowing it had only increased his terrible guilt. He wanted him to be okay. Needed him to be okay.

“I mean it punk you need help too.” He whispered against his skin. “Dealing with a crazy boyfriend takes it toll you know?”

“I wish you’d stop calling yourself crazy Buck.”

“Well I’m on medication and have a second person in my head Steve.” He told him, burying his face in his shoulder now. “If that’s not crazy I don’t know what is.”

“I wouldn’t call it that.”

“Oh yeah.” Bucky said, raising his head and looking at him quizzically. “Then what would call it.”

“A result.” Steve said softly, his other hand now brushing his hair. “Of the fall and the horrible things they did you.” His nuzzled his hair with his lips, pressing them to his head. “You’re not crazy you’re just sick. And you’ll get better.”

Bucky sighted and closed his eyes. “How do you know I’ll get better?” He asked. “I might not.”

Truth is he was scared he never would be. He knew he’d made progress, but some days it felt like he was back at square one. Like a damn hamster on a wheel, ending up in the same place. His head was still split and certain things still triggered horrible episodes. Still suffered from terrible nightmares that woke them both up. Sometimes he thought this was going to be his life. Good days here and there surrounded by the nightmare of his madness.

He hated thinking like that but unless you lived it you had no idea what it was like to fear your own mind. And he did all the time.

“You will.” Steve simply said, that hand still doing that slow comforting circle on his hip. “Because your strong and you’re gonna beat this.” He kissed his head again softly. “I believe in you.”

Bucky looked up at him, seeing the truth in his eyes and knew he meant it. He had believed in him when no one else had. When even he didn’t believe in himself. Which was very much the case now. He was an ex-assassin with a broken brain and this idiot love him in spite of it. It made him feel emotional, causing him to bury his face against Steve’s chest, trying to hide.

“I don’t deserve you punk.” He whispered into his skin, his arm tightening around him. “I really don’t.”

“Well you got me jerk.” Steve said softly, brushing his lips over Bucky’s head. “You’re gonna have to learn to live with it okay?”

He closed his eyes, feeling tired suddenly. He felt Steve slide down a little and settle on the cushion and Bucky curled up more against him, his eyes fluttering shut in exhaustion. And soon fell asleep right there by the window as the sun rose steadily in the sky and the world woke up around them.

\--

When Steve woke up later Bucky was still sleeping soundly in his arms. He looked down at him brushed some of his hair back before kissing his head softly.  He could feel his naked body curled up  against his own under the blanket and smiled to himself, thinking what a beautiful moment this was and he let himself commit it to memory.

It looked to be around noon and Steve could hear people out and about on the street, even through the closed window. It was a holiday, Memorial Day and the majority of the sounds he heard came from kids running around free from school for the day.

Very carefully he extracted himself from Bucky, wanting to get some breakfast going. Bucky barely stirred as he slid the pillow under his head and adjusted the blanket over him as he slept in the cushioned windowsill.

Framed by light he looked absolutely gorgeous sleeping there. Steve watched as Arya hopped up onto and curled up right on Bucky’s metal arm and promptly went right back to sleep. It was a picture of home and Steve’s heart swelled with it.

He looked around and found his phone resting on the table with Bucky’s paints. And took a picture of it for his collection.  He then bent down and kissed Bucky softly on the head again and petted Arya, whose purr briefly increased in volume during this.

He decided to let them both sleep for the moment and went to cook breakfast, which was by the way, technically lunch. While he was doing that he left a message for his therapist, asking if he could come in tomorrow, seeing as how today was a holiday and all. He had, after all, promised Bucky he would do that.

As he cooked, he thought a lot about it, thinking Bucky was right in that sense. He’d been holding a lot in and needed to really deal with that guilt. Because the thought of his inability to save him ravaged Steve’s mind pretty regularly these days. And having seen him suffer so much for so long had taken a toll on him. So maybe some added therapy would help.

Suddenly he felt a little furry body rub against his leg and looked down to see Arya staring up at him with those adorable green eyes of hers. Bucky must’ve gotten up because he thought he now heard the shower upstairs. He smiled down at the cat and picked her up, letting her climb up on his shoulder as he cooked.

“I know you want some bacon don’t’ you precious?” Steve cooed to her as she sat there on his broad shoulder. “Of course you do.”

He gave her a little bit of bacon and watched her chew it and then continued to cook some eggs and toast for Bucky. He still couldn’t eat bacon from some reason, something about the smell of it and Steve had always nodded at that, knowing Bucky had his little weird quirks like this. Because there had been so many layers to his trauma sometimes it was hard to sort them out so he just went with it best he could.

After about 10 minutes, Arya deftly jumped off Steve’s shoulder onto the chair and sat there cleaning her face as cats do. Steve himself was just about finishing up when he felt Bucky’s arms come around him from behind, his lips press into the back of neck.

“Good morning punk.” He whispered in his ear, his hands pressing into Steve’s stomach.

“It’s afternoon actually.” Steve told him smiling as he flipped the French toast. “Remember?”

“Same difference.” Bucky replied against his shoulder. “Smells good by the way.”

“Just the way you like it jerk.” He told him as he turned the burner off.

He took the toast off and put it on the plate and turned in his arms and took him in. His hair, still wet from the shower was tied back away from his face. He had on a form-fitting blue t-shirt on and a pair of jeans, and also had those silly slippers on too. The bunny slippers he always wore around the house. Looking delicious per usual. There was still a little cloudiness behind his eyes but he at least seemed aired-out which was a good thing.

“You’re starting again Rogers.” Bucky observed with a wry smile. “That’s kinda rude.”

“Yea well..” He responded, sliding his arms around him. “That’s what happens when I see a work of art.”

Bucky rolled his eyes. “You’re so corny punk.”

“And you’re gorgeous sweetheart.”

He did give Bucky time to reply to that, pulling him int a sweet lingering kiss. Bucky’s hands wrapped around his neck, the metal fingers sliding under Steve’s hair. He could feel Bucky’s back muscles through his t-shirt as he held him tight against him, tasting his lips and tongue. Thinking of earlier and the way he’d ran that same tongue over his chest.  The way those fingers had felt inside him, stroking him into madness. His hands slid into the back pockets of Bucky’s jeans, giving him a squeeze, causing him to moan softly into his mouth, his lips curving into a smile.

“Damn Rogers.” Bucky murmured. “You’re so incorrigible.”

“Am I?” He replied, gripping him a little tighter. “That’s your fault jerk.”

Bucky pulled back and looked at him with hooded eyes, giving him that fuck me that drove him crazy. That made him want to bed him over the kitchen table and fuck the shit out of him. But he just settled for kissing him stupid again, loving that scrambled look on his face as he released his lips and stepped back a little.

 “So what do you want to do today beautiful?”  He asked as he brushed a stray strand of hair from his face. “Still got most of the day.”

“Umm..”  Bucky mused hazily, his arms around Steve’s waist. “How about we go for a walk?” He turned and looked at Arya sitting on the chair, still cleaning her paws. “We could even take her with us.”

They could. They had a leash and little harness even though she didn’t using walk, it was just keep her from scampering off. Bucky had found a little papoose/rucksack bag and she fit perfectly in, it, enough so she could sleep or hide if she wanted to and could poke her little head out when she was curious and wanted to look around. He seemed to like taking her with him sometimes and now he had a convenient way to do it.

“Cats need fresh air too.” He’d told Steve the he’d shown him the bag.

Steve had rolled his eyes and kissed his silly head at that but had come around because Bucky just liked having Arya with him sometimes and it made him feel better. So now it was a thing.

“We could do that.” He agreed and nuzzled his nose against his.  “but first we gotta eat.”

“Okay but..” Bucky said, stopping him before he walked away. “About earlier.”

Steve looked at him, seeing a thoughtful look on his face and lifted his hands to cup it in his hands. “What about it?” He asked, looking hard into his eyes. “What is it?”

“I’m glad we stayed up and talked.” He said softly, his hands on Steve’s waist. “It was worth it.”

“Me too Buck.” He told him, kissing his forehead. “Me too.”

“You called your therapist right?”

He nodded leaning his head against his.” Yeah I did.”

“Good.” Bucky whispered to him. “And I’m gonna make sure you keep that appointment punk.”

They ate breakfast and packed up Arya, tucking into her little sling that was over Bucky’s shoulder. Bucky tied the leash around his metal arm, giving it enough so he could move with ease. Her little head peeked curiously out of the bag as they left the house, electing to take a walk to the park, which was a few miles. Which was a nothing walk for either of them really.

Bucky had kept his hair tied back away from his face, and the loose strands blew around in the soft breeze. It was a perfect day, not too hot and the streets were full of life, of people and kids with the day off. Array would tuck her face inside the bag whenever a dog came nearby, or another person came too close. She had a healthy distrust of strangers just like her dark-haired daddy but like him she was getting better at it too, allowing herself to be petted by various kids who were curious about her. And about Bucky’s arm sometimes too, which amused Steve quite a bit as well.

And warmed his heart at the way Bucky would let them touch his arm and ask him questions. The fact the was opening up more and more was beautiful to see. And he always took pictures of it when he could.

By the time they’d gotten to the park their hands were loosely linked together. Neither of them remembered it happening but they both smiled at each other and let them like that. It was refreshing to be able to do that now.

The park was covered in parts with little American flags in honor of the holiday and Bucky seemed to stop and take this in. “They do this every year?” He asked curiously, watching them flutter in the breeze. “Put flags out I mean?”

“Yeah.” Steve answered as they walked along the path. Realizing Bucky might not have been aware of this tradition. “It’s to… you know honor the sacrifices made. Each flag represents a lost soldier.”

Steve saw the look on Bucky’s face, that half wonder, half sad look. As if it hurt him in some way. They were walking by War Memorials and stopped in front of the World War II one. Steve thought there might’ve been names on there of people they knew. It felt so strange to think they’d both served that war and yet barely looked as they could’ve served in Iraq. The memories were fresh in his mind and was sure in Bucky’s too.

He watched as Bucky stepped forward, trailing his fingers over the names almost reverently. There was a glassy look in his eyes as he did so and Steve gave him a minute and stepped up beside him, putting his arm around him.

“You okay?”  

Bucky sighed not looking at him. “I don’t know.” He told him. “It kind of feels like my name should be here.” He bit his lip trailing his fingers over the names. “Because sometimes I feel like I died that day.” He swallowed hard. “When I fell.”

“You’re alive Buck.” He told him softly, putting his arm around him. “You survived.”

“But did I?” he asked, looking haunted. “Because sometimes it feels like that life belonged to someone else. Someone I’m sure I can be anymore.”

He sat down heavily on the bench, letting Arya climb out of the bag, holding the leash so she could could sniff around before sitting between his legs and cleaning her paws again. He had that lost look he sometimes got when thinking heavily about certain things.

Steve did kind of understand what he meant though. He knew Bucky could not be the same person he used to be. That guy did die that day, and the person who was here now was different. He’d been through too damn much to ever have that outlook on life. That hopefulness and confidence. The innocence, what little they might have had growing up during the Depression, had been beaten out of him so efficiently that all he could see was the past in those sepia tones. Like the nostalgic way we thought of the good old days.

See what he could’ve been had things gone differently.

He wanted him to know he didn’t have to be that guy again. That what he was more than good enough.

“Bucky you don’t have to be.” He told him softly, sitting down next to him. “All you gotta be is yourself, whatever that is.” He brushed that errant strand of hair back again. “You gotta clean slate, you can be whatever you want now.”

Bucky turned to look at him as if this was a revelation of sorts. “I’m still trying to figure out what that is.” He said with a heavy sigh. “Not a lot of options right now to be honest.”

“What about that counselor thing Sam suggested.” Steve offered, recalling Bucky saying something about that once. “You’d be good at that.”

Sam had mentioned that Bucky was really good at listening to people. At relating to their traumas and recovery. That often some of the people in the group sought him out after for one on one’s. Steve was proud of this, proud of Bucky for reaching out and letting those people reach out to him. Thinking maybe this was something that could be mutually beneficial. To the people he counseled and to him as well.

“That’d be funny.” He mused, shaking his head. “A crazy person counseling other people.”

“Stop that.” Steve admonished. “You’d be great at it Buck.”

Bucky leaned over and petted Arya who started weaving in and out of his legs, wrapping the leash around them, causing them both to chuckle at the same time. As long as Bucky remembered to untangle that before he got up.

“Yeah well I gotta fix myself up first don’t I?” He said with a heavy sigh. “I’m still kind of a mess.”

“You understand what they’re dealing with Buck.” Steve told him. “Better than most people.”

“Yeah I guess so.” Bucky mused, staring out at the flags. “I guess I guess I’m expert at a lot of unpleasant things.”

“It’s not a bad idea Buck.” He told him, squeezing his hand. “Don’t dismiss it.”

“I’m not.” He answered. “I just still got a lot to deal with that’s all.”

Steve put his arm around Bucky’s back and felt him lay his head against his shoulder, staring at the memorial for a war they were both very familiar with. That had cost them both dearly in different ways. Had scarred them permanently. But they were still there. Still alive long after so many had gone.

“I know. And whatever happens Buck we are in this together okay?” He told him, kissing the side of his head as they sat there. “You and me.” He heard a little meow and looked down into large green eyes. “And you two little love, can’t forget you.”

She jumped up and sat down next to them, her tail curled around her on the bench. Steve saw Bucky smile before he laid his head on Steve’s shoulder. He rubbed Bucky’s arm, petting Arya with his other hand and just enjoying the moment with his family in the park

\--.

Bucky was thinking to himself the next day that he was feeling pretty good. Both mentally and physically. No headaches, no fatigue and best of all, he’d gone a couple of days without a nightmare. At least not one he could remember that was. It was why what happened later was such a frightening surprise.

At the moment he was painting, Arya sitting next to him, curled up and purring. He had no idea what the painting was going to be, he never did, just had the urge to do it and the picture tended to show itself on its own. Its how it went with it he understood now, it was whatever his mind was conjuring at that time.

The other two paintings he had completed were currently hanging on the wall. Even though both of them had caused some level of upset for either him or Steve, they both understood it was good to display them, to face the issues it brought up. So they went up and would stay up.

He could hearr music playing downstairs and smell cinnamon wafting up from the kitchen. Steve was making breakfast again and it was making his stomach do all kinds of things, but he was lost in the creative haze as well, painting what looked like a city backdrop at sunset, but beyond that he couldn’t tell.

The smell did seem to get closer, as did the music and Bucky was sort of vaguely aware of that. And then it was confirmed by the sound of Steve’s voice, which effectively cut through his haze.

“Hey there beautiful.” He said, causing Bucky to finally look up. “Figured you might be hungry.”

Bucky smiled up at him, seeing he had a cup of coffee in one hand, and plate in the other. The plate seemed to contain a delicious looking cinnamon roll and Bucky did an air sniff before putting his brush down and wiping the excess paint onto his jeans. They were old ones anyways, good for painting.

“Oh honey you shouldn’t have.” He teased, taking both from him. “But t thank you.”

The music seemed to be coming from his pocket, his cell phone most likely and it was some of that easy listening stuff Steve seemed to like. Bucky didn’t mind because it wasn’t obnoxious like some of the music he heard these days. It added a quiet ambience to the room. Which the sunlight shining though that huge window and the sounds of the city wafting in.

Steve leaned over and brushed a strand of Bucky’s hair away from his face. Before kissing his head softly. “So what’s you working on Picasso?” He asked as he walked around and sat behind. “Am I I allowed to se this one?”

“Well I don’t really know what it is so.” He mused, drinking his coffee down. “No reason why you can’t.”

Steve nuzzled his neck softy from behind and Bucky sighed a little at the feeling. It was a nice morning, no major issues. Almost felt too perfect and that part of him that worried part of him wondered how long until another shoe dropped. But he told himself to just enjoy the moment for now. Just relax. So he did, leaning back into Steve’s embrace for the moment, feeling his lips on his neck just under his ponytail.

“Sometimes that’s how it works.” Steve said against his skin. “We can’t always see the full picture right away.”

Bucky nodded, finishing his breakfast and sipping his coffee. “When’s your appointment?” He asked, curious as to how long they had.

“I gotta leave in about a hour why?”

“No reason.” Bucky answered with a slightly teasing tone. “Just curious.”

He was glad Steve was going today. Glad he’d agreed that he needed to talk about that. It was important he take care of himself too after all this shit. With all the guilt he had and just having to deal with all of  Bucky’s  issues. They were fighting the fight together, like they always had. Having each other’s backs was a habit they were happy they still had.

“I don’t know that sounded like you’re digging a bit.” Steve whispered in his ear. “Like your planning something.”

Bucky smirked, happy to play along. “Well I need to let my other boyfriend know when it’s safe to come over.” He teased, turning his head to Steve as he put his coffee. “Gotta get the schedule right you know?”

“Now that makes me kinda jealous.” Steve growled in his ear. “Might have to stay home now and keep an eye on you gorgeous.”

“Oh yeah?” He asked, his own voice taking on a seductive tone as he leaned back into him. “And wht’s Daddy gonna do about it when he shows up?”

“I’m gonna be polite.” Steve whispered in his ear, his hands interlocking around Bucky’s waist  “And tell him not to play with something that belongs to me.”

Bucky ginned saucily, getting a bit turned on by this. “And if he doesn’t listen?”

“Then things could get messy.” He growled, nipping his neck jus under his ear. “Because I don’t like to share.”

The way he growled always turned him on something fierce, along with the slightly possessive tone in his voice. He knew Steve knew he was kidding but that tone just did things to his insides. He didn’t think he’d like the idea of being possessed by someone. The idea of belonging to another person. Especially after the way he’d been controlled by Hydra for so long. But for some reason he loved the way Steve took control of things. The way he marked him as his and got that hungry look in his eyes that said ‘mine’ clearly. Bucky didn’t mind being owned by Steve, it made him feel safe he realized.  And that control made him feel strangely free as well. Steve was the only one he’d ever give that power to. The only he trusted enough to do so.

Bucky turned in his seat a little more and gave him that look, his eyes twinkling with mirth. “Well you don’t have to worry about that big guy.” He told him, his lips brushing his. “I am all yours.”

Steve wrapped his hand around the back of Bucky’s head, gripping his ponytail with his fist. “Damn straight you are.” He growled again before crushing his lips to his. “All mine.”

Turns out they did have enough time for a little fun and took full advantage of it.

One thing he was not lacking was a great sex life that was damn sure. Steve Rogers had a 100% satisfaction guarantee when it came to pleasuring him. And as he was cooling down from this latest round, he fessed up that he’d mentioned it to Amelia stupidly because, well he couldn’t help himself really.

“You told her about me?” Steve asked incredulously. “About us?”

“Yeah I did.” Bucky told him, amused by his reaction.

“Why?”

“I dunno.” Bucky mused, his balmy thighs still hugging Steve’s ribs. “Just felt like confessing I guess.”

“Confessing what?”

“That I’m addicted to Captain America and his… special talents..” He told him, running his hand over Steve’s hair. “And that I have no interest in kicking the habit.”

Steve shook his head and continued to some amazing work with his hands and mouth before answering. “So what exactly did you tell her about my.. talents?” Steve asked, the words muffled by the fact that his face was buried in Bucky’s abdomen, making some new lovely marks.  

“Dammit punk that’s private.” Bucky admonished, actually chuckling at little because Steve’s whiskers were tickling him. And at Steve’s curiosity. “It’s none of you’re damn business..”

Steve nuzzled him a bit more. “Then why’d you bring it up jerk?”

“I dunno.” Bucky contemplated, tapping his metal fingers on the bed. “Maybe just to torture you..” He smiled down at him wickedly, rubbing his leg against his shoulder. “Because you’re thinking about it aren’t you baby?”

Steve gave him that hungry, possessive look that loved right before kissing him stupid again, and that for him was well worth bringing it up. And Bucky, when he was able to think, knew he wasn’t necessarily bragging but was being declarative of something he was proud of. The one constant place where he was completely confident and sure of himself.

In the arms of Steve Rogers.

After Steve left for his own appointment Bucky was sitting there mixing colors andI watching something that looked beautiful on the surface but seemed to have ark undertone, come alive on the canvas.  And let his mind wander a bit.

Thinking today really was too good to be true.

He had lost track of time, painting in a strange dream-like state, still not sure what he was painting when it happened.

The first sign of something wrong was when he smelled the distinct smell of bacon. He looked around, pulling himself away from the painting thinking this was odd because Steve hadn’t cooked bacon too much lately, and he wasn’t home yet. He would’ve heard him. He wouldn’t cook too much of it lately anyways because, well the smell made Bucky sick. It smelled like burning flesh to him and he wrinkled his nose, feeling a slight bit of anxiety at this. And then he looked at his fingers and saw a strange twitch in the ones on right hand, the brush shaking visibly.

“What the hell?” He muttered to himself, watching the tremble in his fingers increase.

It wasn’t a nicotine craving, he didn’t have those anymore but it could’ve been the start of an anxiety attack because that damn smell. And then something occurred to him.

His doctor telling them that he might have some kind of seizure sometimes as a result of his traumatic brain injury.  And that just because he hadn’t had one yet didn’t mean he wouldn’t. She told them that the idea people had of seizures wasn’t the only kind that could occur and he might not recognize them for what they were at first.  And he was starting to think this might be one.

And knowing did not make it any less terrifying.

There were jagged flashing lights in front of his eyes and before the panic could really set in on him about it he completely blacked out, going limp and falling on the floor next to the chair. This was not like sleep, this was like right before he hit the ground when he fell, total blackness and then nothing. Nothing at all.

\--

Steve got home and was immediately disquieted by the fact that he didn’t see or hear Bucky at all. Thinking maybe it wasn’t unusual, maybe he was napping or painting. Or even out. But his keys were hanging up still. It nagging feeling something was off still bugged him. And then he heard a meow at the top of the stairs.

Arya was sitting there, her green eyes big and Steve swore she looked worried. She meowed again, almost urgently and his stomach dropped as she darted off in the direction of the art room. So he bounded up the stairs.

“Bucky?” He called, the worry increasing when he didn’t get an answer. “ _Bucky?”_

When he got to the art room, he saw Bucky seemingly pulling himself up off the floor. He looked sweaty and disheveled. And oddly he seemed to be laughing, his eyes funny and out of focus. Steve ran over and started helping him up and he was sort of giggling while he was doing.

“Hey punk.” Bucky said his voice sounding off too, like he was drunk or something. “There you are.”

“Bucky what happened?” He asked, brushing his hair back. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine..” Bucky replied, his eyes seeming unable to focus on anything. “I think..” He laughed again, which seemed strange to Steve, like he was delirious. “Did I fall down?”

This reminded Steve bizarrely of the high fever he’d had in December, but he wasn’t warm, had shown no signs of being sick. Just sort of… off. He didn’t seem to have much strength to go along with this confusion and ack of coherency. So Steve got his arm around him and helped him up.

“I don’t know Buck I wasn’t here remember?” He told him, helping him over to the couch. “I don’t know what happened.”

Bucky’s eyes seemed to clear a little and he was finally able to focus on Steve. A look of fear came over him. “I was just sitting here painting and I.. smelled.. bacon.. but you didn’t cook any today.. isn’t that weird?” He asked, turning his eyes to the right as if trying to think. “And then.. my hand starting shaking and I… don’t remember after that..”

Steve knew for certain he hadn’t made any bacon today. He didn’t, he knew Bucky didn’t like it so he kept to a minimum. That small bit for him and Arya yesterday could not account for that smell. And the fact that Bucky was sweating even though it wasn’t that hot of a day. The fact that he fell on the floor and was seemingly delirious was causing him to put two and two together and he was worried now.

“Buck I think we need to call the doctor.” He told him. “Because I think you might have just had a seizure.”

He saw the panicked look on Bucky’s face at that. “I don’t’ want to go to the hospital Steve.” He said, gripping his shirt. “I’m fine I swear.”

“No you’re not Buck.” He told him, putting his hands on his face. “You’re not.” He brushed his hair softly, sensing he was panicking a little. “The doctor said if you had one you had to come in remember?”

Bucky bit his lip, looking terrified. He hadn’t looked like this in a long time. Steve knew it was an after-effect of the seizure and all but it was also the idea that he knew it meant more tests. It could mean a lot of things. His normal brave face was cracking and showing just how terrified he was now.  

“I’m scared Steve.” He told him, his voice finally breaking. “I’m so scared.”

Steve felt his heart break hearing him admit that. Admit just how scared he was of all of this. The PTSD, the duality in his head, the neurological issues. Everything. He was so strong and only on a few occasions had he ever really let it show how frightened he really was. And this was one of them. So he wrapped him up in his arms and held him tight, trying to comfort him. He felt Bucky bury his head in Steve’s shoulder and just let his emotions out for once.

“I know Buck it’s okay.” He whispered to him, cradling his head with his hand. “I got you.”

He would call the doctor in a few minutes, right now he needed to calm him and comfort him and that’s exactly what he did. Just sat on the floor and held him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so diving in here, once again sorry about leaving it like that but it ends where it ends each chapter. 
> 
> So I literally made myself cry talking about the fall from the train because it always hit me hard there. I could only imagine how horrendous that fall must've been. How traumatic. A regular person would not have survived that kind of thing he would've had to have been seriously injured and I have mentioned several times the head trauma that most likely occurred as a result. That in itself would've messed anyone up on its own but to add what happened after he was already horrifically traumatized just hurts me to think about. 
> 
> Bucky had a pyshcoenic seizure, meaning he's not epileptic but it mimics epileptic seizures. And there are many different kinds of seizures besides the ones we often think of. His was more of a 'complex focal' type of seizure that can result in unconciousness. In in this fic it is coming straight from the head trauma and is pretty damn scary to him. I wanted to address it cause I brought it up and try to be responsible about these things. I had cousin with epilepsy so I take that very seriously. 
> 
> I think its interesting that Bucky is considering the 'normalcy' of his sex life as something to be proud of, and one of the goals of this fic, among others is to show that people that suffer from these kind of traumas can have normal healthy relationships like this. Yes it has it's issues and dysfunctions but people can indulge in normal behavior like this. And I think as well it's his way of taking back himself as well and that to me is a beautiful thing. 
> 
> The flag memorials always touch me and it touches Bucky on a personal because at his root, he is a veteran too, and a lot of them never really come back, even when they survive and that is another message in this fic as well. 
> 
> I'm glad everyone loves Arya btw she is becoming very important. A completion to the family as one of my readers commented so yeah. 
> 
> Thank you all for the lovely comments I appreciate them greatly. The next chapter will continue to deal this continuing storyline and I haven't picked a title yet, I did last week and we see how that worked out huh? :P   
> Anyways love to you all :)


	26. Half-Life

 

He was on edge, barely fighting off an anxiety attack. The only thing keeping him from going full tilt off his rocker was the knowledge they were doing these things for his own good. That it wasn’t the same as it was before. But it didn’t stop him from being ornery, even scary to some of the nurses and technicians at the Medical Center. He was just so on edge he couldn’t help it. He hated being here on most days, but today was worse.

Because he had to stay overnight.

His doctor had reluctantly told him that because it was his first known seizure, they needed to monitor him overnight and do another MRI in the morning. Bucky had barely contained his panic at the idea of spending the night in somewhere other than home. Especially a hospital, and he’d literally needed a half an hour alone with Steve to just calm down long enough to digest it.

He remembered pacing back and forth, repeatedly running his hands through his hair and for the first time in months wanting a damn cigarette to take the edge off. Steve had finally stopped him and put his arms around him tightly until he finally stopped shaking.

“Wow I’m fucked up.” He chuckled against Steve’s shoulder wanting to lighten himself up a little.. “Maybe you should invest in a new boyfriend.”

“Nah.” Steve replied, hugging him tighter. “I’m kinda attached to you jerk.”

And now here he was, feeling vulnerable and a little self-concious in the stupid hospital gown. Constantly adjusting it to keep himself covered and growling at hospital staff who got too close to him. He couldn’t help it, he still had an issue with allowing strangers to touch him. Especially males. Which was a good part of the reason both his doctors were female.

“It’s okay Buck.” Steve had tried to tell him after the latest outburst. “He’s just trying to help. “

Bucky glared at Steve, making his feelings perfectly clear. “I don’t want him touching me.” He said with a tone of barely contained menace.

It was clear that his doctor had to do some of these things, and it was worked out that way. He trusted Pam, Dr. Clarksson that was and was okay with her checking the patches on his head, that was used to monitor his brain waves and the one on his wrist for his heart-rate. Both of which were up a little. She also authorized a low dose of a sedative in his IV line to calm him to a degree, knowing how stressful this was for him.

“I know this is tough on you but you’re doing good.” She told him, giving him a warm smile. “Just try not to terrorize the nurses anymore okay?”

Bucky felt a bit chagrined by that, feeling like he’d been reported, which did not help his paranoia. “Alright.” He said, forcing a smile before adding. “Just no guys okay?”

She nodded, fulling understanding the issue. “I’ll make a note of that before I leave.” She reassured him. “I’ll see you both in the morning and we will try to make this as painless as possible alright.”

“Thank you.” He told her, feeling genuinely grateful for her understanding.

 

After she had left Bucky sighed and laid back on the beg, pulling the covers a little more. Steve leaned over the bed, bracing his hand on it to kiss him on the head. He then leaned back and brushed Bucky’s hair back a little as he sat down on the side of the bed.

“How you feeling gorgeous?” He asked softly, squeezing his hand.

Bucky sighed again and did his best to smile. “I’ve been better.” He told him as honestly as he could. “And I am not gorgeous right now.” He looked down at his hospital gown. “No one looks good in these punk.”

“Well you are definitely an exception.”

He rolled his eyes. “Please.” He said dismissively. “I’m a mess.”

Steve then put his hands on his face and kissed him on the lips this time and Bucky accepted that quiet willingly. Wishing they were we in their own bed like this, where they could make love and fall asleep in each other’s arms. Where Arya would cuddle up next to them and it felt safe. Felt like home.  This place just scared him. Brining up unpleasant memories he didn’t want.

Memories of being strapped down and force-fed things he didn’t want. Of being experimented on and studied.

“I wanna go home.” He whispered against Steve’s lips. “I don’t’ wanna be here.”

“I know you do.” Steve said softly back, nuzzling his nose against Bucky’s. “But I’m here okay? It’ll be here all night.”

Steve had permission to stay due to Bucky’s circumstances and all and a cot had been brought in for him which would roll right up to the bed. It may not have been their own bed but at least they could be together. He was grateful for that.

“I miss Arya.” He lamented, wishing he could pet her right now.

“I do too.” Steve agreed, laying his forehead against his. “But she’s fine, Aunty Wanda is looking after her.”

Wanda had volunteered for any cat-sitting duties and was more than happy to keep an eye on their pseudo-daughter for the night. Bucky at least felt comfortable in the knowledge that she was being taking care of while he here.

“You need to sleep okay?” Steve then told him, his hand on his face. “Got a busy day tomorrow.”

“Don’t know if I can.” He admitted, laying his head back on the pillow. “This isn’t our bed.”

Truth was it was even the bed, it was not being in his house, because honestly, he could and had slept pretty much everywhere in that house that you could possibly sleep on. He had a knack for falling asleep like that. In the bed, the couch the windowsill in the art room, the roof, hell even the chair in Steve’s office. It was home, it felt safe and he was able to relax and sleep there. To let his guard down. He couldn’t quite do that here just yet, his mind was all over the place.

Even though he was painfully tired now, the sedative doing its slow work, causing his eyes to flutter every so often but his mind kept keeping him awake. It just wouldn’t stop its incessant chatter, and those horrible movie reels.

“We’ll make do.” Steve assured him, moving the cot right next to the bed. “We always have.”

Bucky turned his head and watch as Steve climbed onto it, smiling the effort he was making to make him comfortable in a place where he clearly wasn’t. Once he got on it, after some amusing moments before he realized he forgot to lock the wheels, which caused it roll a couple of times, he was finally firmly on it. He moved as close as he could to the bed, which allowed Bucky the opportunity to turn into his arms, all the while making sure his IV line and those damn things attached to his head wouldn’t pull out or off.

It was a difficult maneuver but, like Steve said, they figured it out.

Steve put his arm around Bucky and allowed him to tuck his head into the crook of his neck. He then felt Steve reach over and pull the blanket over him up to his waist and was confused by it, because he wasn’t cold and then realized why he was doing. It caused him to smile and nuzzle his neck a little.

His ass was facing the door and it was, after all the moving around, uncovered by the gown. “Thanks punk.” He told him. “You’re so protective of my virtue.”

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Steve whispered to him. “No one gets to see that work of art but me.”

Bucky chuckled, shifting slightly under the blanket, finally finding the perfect position in spit e of those damn wires and tubes. He could feel Steve’s hand doing a soft rub on his back and hip and it was relaxing him even more. He could almost forget about the ambient noise around him. The beeping of the machines, the patter of feet on the floor outside the door. In fact, if he closed his eyes, he could almost forget he was in a hospital because all he could feel was Steve’s arms around him.

Didn’t mean he could forget fully. Memories of unwanted procedures and operations were still there. Of pain and torture. And Zola’s face, smiling down at him. But whenever they came close, he nuzzled his face more into Steve’s neck reminded himself that he was safe here. That those monsters couldn’t touch him anymore. And was eventually able to fall asleep.

\--

Getting Bucky to stay calm while staying overnight in a hospital was one thing. The Winter Soldier’s reaction was another. It was something Steve had thought about since he knew they were going to spend the night here. And it wasn’t a matter of his was going to coming out. Just when.

Because he always came out when Bucky was unsettled. And tonight, he definitely was.

So Steve stayed up, waiting for the inevitable moment when he would, knowing it was better he was awake for this. God forbit he woke up when a nurse was checking him, that would not be good for anyone. So he caffeinated himself and stayed awake, holding Bucky as he slept. Feeling him shake from a nightmare he knew was most likely about things that were done to him in a place that he was reminded of every time he set foot in a hospital.

It wasn’t a violent nightmare, he was just clearly scared and shaking, sometimes struggling as if he was being restrained. He had to make sure he didn’t pull anything off him in the throes of it. “Sssh.” He’d whisper to him. “It’s okay.”

Watching him struggle with his feelings all day since he’d found him on the floor that morning had been rough. Knowing he was going to have to come here. Seeing the abject terror on his face at the idea of having to sleep here was worse. He was able to control it to a degree for which Steve was grateful, he had learned many ways to calm himself over the last several months and he’d mastered them to a degree.  If had been 4 months ago though, it wouldn’t have taken a lot more effort to calm him.

Bucky shuddered slightly, turning onto his back on the bed and Steve watched as his eyes opened. He could see the confusion in those eyes, followed by terror as he sat up, examining his surroundings. It was the Winters Soldier’s eyes and they were showing way too much white right now. He was struggling to get off the bed and Steve knew better than to try and restrain him at his point.

“Soldier?” He said softly. “It’s okay.”

He watched as the Soldier examined the IV and the objects on his head and then tried to pull at them, frightened for understandable reasons. He put his hand on the metal arm and stopped him and he jerked it away angrily, looking at Steve mistrustfully now.

“What is this?” He asked, one of his legs already off the bed. “Why are we here?”

“We are here to help Bucky.” He said softly, getting up to cut off he tried to leave. “It’s alright.”

“You should not have taken us here!” The Soldier replied angrily, standing up and trying to pull his IV. “They will hurt us.”

Steve circled around the bed and got in front of him, stopping him from pulling out the tub. “They are not going to hurt you okay?” He told him softly. “I won’t let them.”

The Soldier was standing there in the gown looking angry, almost like he was about to push him aside, but there was fear there too. That was what driving him. And Steve knew he had to calm him before he acted out even more irrationally now.  And then he saw his eyes widen and heard the door open behind them and a voice speak hesitantly.

“Is everything okay in here?”

It was the night nurse checking on them and Steve knew he had to get to get her to leave. The state the Soldier part of Bucky was in right now could get dangerous if he perceived a threat in the moment. And a stranger would definitely be a threat. So Steve turned around, putting himself between the Soldier and the nurse.

“It’s alright.” He told her. “It is.”

“He shouldn’t be out of bed.”

“I know I’ll get him back in. “ He said, feeing the barely contained fear radiating off the Soldier behind him. “I’ll take care of it.

The nurse saw the dangerous look on Bucky’s face and her eyes widened a little in fear. “Do you need me to get an orderly?”

Steve shook his head, knowing that would be a very bad idea. “It’s not necessary.” He reassured her. “I can handle this okay?”

He told her with his eyes it would be a good idea to leave and she seemed to get the message. Working here he supposed she’d seen people have episodes before, so she nodded and closed the door. And Steve turned back to the Soldier behind him, saw him once again trying to free himself of the wires and tubes and he gently put his hands on his arms.

“Stop.” He said softly. “It’ll hurt if you take them off.”

“Why are we here?” He asked again, looking around fearfully. “Did we do something wrong?” He saw his eyes widen as he seemed to sit down heavily onto the bed. “Are you gonna give us the blue light?”

Steve looked at him pained, realizing he thought he was getting punished for something. Almost like he was suddenly resigned to it. His face had the look of someone who was expecting to be hurt. That that was how they’d punished him. The blue light, he’d come to understand, was the electrical shocks they’d given him, and the Soldier had stated he’d hated that more than anything. Was terrified of it.

“You didn’t do anything wrong.” He told him, crouching down in front of him, still holding his face. “And no will ever give you the blue light ever again I promise.”

The Soldier looked at him with that mix of fear and confusion on his face. He seemed so much like Bucky then, it was like they were so close now. And Steve knew why too. Because they shared this particular pain and fear. They’d lived through it together. They hadn’t been split just yet. Not all the way at least. But he also believed that the Soldier feeling these things was a sign that this part of Bucky was assimilating a little more with him now. The only thing holding the process up now was Bucky himself.

“You’ll protect us?” The Soldier asked, his face pinched a little.

“Of course I will.” He told him, reaching his hand up and seeing him flinch slightly before allowing it. Which hurt a little. “I will always protect you.”

Those wide eyes looked into his, some much like Bucky’s at this moment. Sometimes Steve had to remind himself he was Bucky. A different part of him but still him. He lifted his other hand and put it on his face as well and saw another tick in the face before he relaxed.

“Because you love us.” He said quietly.  It wasn’t a question.

“Yes I do.” Steve replied, laying his head against the Soldier’s. “Very much.”

He had been struck by the use of the word ‘us’ instead of ‘I’ when he was talking. He hadn’t had time to think about it until now, but it was another sign that the Soldier had accepted who he was. A part of Bucky and not someone separate. Bucky kept calling the Soldier ‘Him’ because he still was seeing them as separate. He knew that had to change, but he knew he couldn’t force it either.

“Let’s get you back into bed okay?”

The Soldier seemed to nod, and Steve very carefully laid him back down on the cot. His eyes still seemed to look around the room fearfully, not liking what he was seeing but not resisting anymore. Steve wasn’t sure if he fully trusted him right now, knowing he was probably used to being given a line of shit before being shocked again. He hoped he did though. He would hate to undo all the progress just like that.

“You won’t let them hurt us?” he asked again after Steve had got him settled down again.

“I promise.” He told him, his hand stroking his face. “Do you believe me?”

He seemed to think about it for a moment and then put his metal fingers against Steve’s chest, pressing them into it. They felt warm, gentle. If he was angry it would not have felt that way he knew. Those cool eyes assessed him as he lifted the other hand and wrapped it around Steve’s forearm loosely.

“Yes we do.” Was the Soldier’s response. “Because you love us.”

Steve felt emotional at that, seeing the Soldier fully accept the love in that moment. He had allowed himself to be hugged and even kissed before but there was always a bit of holding back, but now he could see it his eyes now. The feeling was coming back, and he’d never been closer to Bucky than he was now. He was absorbing Bucky’s feelings into himself and they were becoming his again. If only he could get it go the other way around now. But one thing at a time.

He leaned down and kissed his lips softly, feeing the metal fingers wrap around the back of his neck to pull him closer. He was sealing this trust with this kiss now. It was soft but developing a little urgency that Steve had to check himself with a bit. Restraining himself the way he always had to here, because to let it go too far would be wrong, he knew. But he let it linger for a while, letting him feel this.

“Yes I do.”  He answered softly against his lips, his hands trailing gently over his waist and stopping there. “I always will.”

Their lips parted and he looked down and swore he’d seen him closer to whole than at the moment. He brushed his hair back a little and saw the Soldier’s eyes flutter shut. “We love you too.” He whispered softly, before his body started that slight shudder that indicted he was leaving because Bucky was coming to now.

 And when those eyes opened again, they were slightly different this time.

“Steve?” He heard Bucky ask sleepily looking up at him. “What?”

He’d realized he must’ve had a strange look in his eyes that even Bucky noticed when half asleep like he currently was. That he was still leaning over him and one hand was still intimately on his waist. It must’ve seemed confusing to him to wake up like that. Because he was not quite awake at the moment. That happened too. He would have conversations he wouldn’t remember in the morning. He thought maybe that happened with a lot of people. But Steve’s mind was also still caught up in the Soldier’s last words to him _We love you too.._

Of course he did. He was Bucky too. But it still hit him hard to hear it. Stirring up strange feelings in him.

He realized he hadn’t answered Bucky, who was still looking at him in a confused, sleepy kind of way. “It’s alright Buck.” He said softly, his other still brushing his hair. “Go back to sleep.”

Bucky smiled a hazy smile. “You too punk.”

“As you wish jerk.” He said softly back to him as he laid down beside him again, taking him in his arms. “But you first.”

“Such a gentleman.” Bucky purred, seeming to fall back to sleep.

He felt him snuggle up next to him, managing to get comfortable in spite of the uncomfortable situation. Steve made sure he was covered up again, pulling the blanket over him and patting his hip softly as he did so. He buried his face in his brown hair and closed his eyes, feeling tired himself.

Turning over thoughts in his head. A part of him feeling strangely guilty about his intimate moments with the Winter Soldier, as if he was hiding something from Bucky. It felt like an odd betrayal sometimes. He’d fallen in love with that part of him because, well, he loved every part of Bucky. Even the part he was afraid of. But they’d talked about painful things. The Soldier had also shown him things, like what he’d done at the lake. They had shared both hugs and kisses. They had a lot of secrets together. Had an intimacy all their own and he wasn’t sure how Bucky would take that. Considering his outburst about it a month ago, while quitting smoking, it was clear he had a conflicted, strange sort of jealousy of his other half that was still unresolved, and if he’d known the extant their interactions while he was sleeping god knows how he’d react to it.

Sooner or later it would come up he supposed, and he’d deal with that then.

But he was also thinking of the way the Soldier had looked in that last moment. So close to Bucky it could almost be him. If only Bucky would let him back in. Could embrace that other side of him, because he’d caught a glimpse of what he would look like when he did it and it was it was heartbreakingly beautiful.

He knew it would come in time. And no matter how much he wanted to see that, he loved him the way he was right now too. He would love him no matter what. That much he knew for certain. He fell asleep with that thought on his mind, the sound of the heart rate monitor echoing in his ears.

\--

Bucky was antsy again. Eager to go home after spending the night in this place. After the tests and the MRI that seemed to take forever. The longest 20 minutes ever it seemed. Put in a very claustrophobic tube that reminded him of cryo tube he’d been stuffed into on a regular basis. Where you had to lay absolutely still, and in the agitated state he was in it had felt damn near impossible. Although he had done it somehow this time. Even though he’d wanted to crawl out of his skin the whole time.  Practically jumping off the table once the necessary restraints were removed.

Once again shaking so violently he needed to be held for several minutes after.

It was the last thing they had to do before he could be officially discharged. Which was a relief, getting his ass back into his regular clothes again. But they had to wait for the MRI results and then talk to his doctor and apparently the neurologist as well.

On top of this he’d sensed something with Steve. Like he was keeping something interesting to himself. He had a vague idea of waking up in the middle of the night, but Steve had said it was just a nightmare. And Bucky got the sense that while he wasn’t exactly lying, that he was definitely leaving something out too.  Which didn’t help his mood at the moment.

So he was very fidgety as they sat there in the office waiting for both the doctors. Steve had gotten him some candy and a soda and he was popping, more to have something to do with his hands and mouth because he’d be driving him up the wall.

“Relax oaky.” Steve told him, grabbing his his hand. “We’re almost done.”

“I can’t.” He answered, with little more snippiness than he meant. “I just wanna go home.”

Steve had squeezed his hand supportively as they waited for the doctor. Soon I promise.”

Bucky smiled at him gratefully, but knew he was probably going to attack him the minute they had any real alone time. That he had a lot of steam to blow off because his meter was definitely in the red today. He wanted Steve’s hands on his skin, wanted to be fucked until he couldn’t think anymore. He needed it like air. His body screamed for it, feeling that fire under his skin. That one that only Steve knew how to contain. It was addiction, he knew it was. Another coping mechanism. But he didn’t care. He just needed him badly in these moments.

Once they were in the office with his doctor and the neurologist, he was struggling to contain himself a bit. Steve’s hand holding his and squeezing it every so often, had helped. He knew had to settle for that because this was important. Very important.

The neurologist was a nice enough looking guy, who by the way looked nothing Armin Zola to Bucky’s great relief. It had seemed like every male doctor resembled him but not this guy. His last name was Yan and he had some very interesting things to say to them. And it was not the kind of news he was expecting. Because it wasn’t bad, not at all.

“Your brain is healing itself all on its own.” He told them, looking at what looked to Bucky like the scans themselves. “I’ve honestly never seen anything like it. It’s remarkable. “

He explained that all the scans from the last year showed steady improvement in the areas that had been damaged. Saying that damage like that usually left permanent scars but even those were going away. There had been, when he’d first gotten these scans in Wakonda, obvious lesions that been the result of decades of wiping and freezing but they had slowly disappeared. And that even though he had suffered what many would consider a fatal brain injury due to his fall, his brain was functioning at an amazing level. It seemed to baffle the doctor to look at his, examining the x-rays that clearly showed healed massive skull fractures and comparing it to the way the brain was functioning.

“You should not only not be functioning at the level you’re functioning at, but you shouldn’t be alive. “ The doctor said in wonder. “This defies medical science to be honest.” He flipped a page and looked up at them both. “And the most remarkable thing is, we think the seizures you’re having is your brain doing major repairs. Because we think you’ve had these before, you just didn’t recognize them.”

Bucky looked at him, shocked by this information, because he couldn’t recall ever having one before yesterday. “But I don’t remember ever having one before.”

“The seizure you had is called a focal seizure and they usually don’t involve convulsions of any kind and sometimes you don’t even pass out. Sometimes you just go blank and lose track of time.” The doctor explained further. “The only reason this one may have stood out was because you were siting on a chair when it happened and you fell off, and someone found you. Otherwise you might not have known you had one.”

Bucky narrowed his eyes a little, trying to think of any time when something like this might have happened. His mind was a mess sometimes, hell a lot of the time and he did occasionally faze out. Time did seem to pass quicker than normal sometimes too. Now he was wondering just how long it had been going on and he’d just never realized it. It’s why he’d never reported one before even though the doctors had told him he had the potential for it.

“So your saying that these are good things.” Steve asked, pulling Bucky out of his thoughts. “The seizures I mean.”

“In a way yes.” The doctor answered. “Because according to the sensors he had one last night as well while he was here. And according to the monitor it happened while he was sleeping.”

Bucky saw Steve star a little at that, as if there was something he remembered. “It did?” He asked, his eyes still far away.

“We think a lot of them happen at night.” Pamela added, looking at the chart herself. “It’s probably why he doesn’t remember them happening. He had a rare one during the day it was the only reason he noticed.”

Bucky found himself looking at Steve rather suspiciously. Thinking he was going to ask him about this, once he’d taken care a few things first. It was like he was putting something together in there. But he didn’t say anything so Bucky did, asking a question that was now on his mind as well. Seeing as this latest news the gateway for it.

“Does this have anything to do with my.. other issue?” He asked, looking at both the doctors. “You know.. the split?”

Pamela knew about it, she had to treat him, and he could only presume this information was shared with the neurologist as well. Bucky knew his doctors had to talk to each other after all. Obviously not about personal stuff, but stuff that had to do with his health, so he was getting used to that part. 

“It’s possible.” The other doctor said, seemingly understanding what he meant. “Because your brain is working in ways we’ve never seen before.”

“Maybe it’s that stuff they gave me.” He told them, doing more talking than he usually did which was surprising even to him. “That serum they made me take.”

“From what we know that is most likely the case.” Pamela told him, her hands folded on the desk. “When it was given to Steve here, it improved the parts of him that need to be repaired and simply enhanced the rest to make him stronger and more agile among other things.” She smiled at Steve, whose attention was back on them again, and then turned back to Bucky. “But you from what we could glean from your army records, were in perfect health when they gave that to you. When they forced you to take it”

Bucky nodded, knowing this was true, Steve was the one with the health issues back then. Bucky had been blessed with relatively good health. Had rarely even gotten sick. The serum that had been force fed to him didn’t make him any bigger although it did make him stronger in many ways. And had enhanced his agility and hand/eye coordination considerably and seemed to have increased certain psychological traits but other than that he could not figure out what precisely it had done to him physically.

“We think it enhanced your brain and its ability to heal itself, which may have unfortunately been the reason why they had to shock you as much as they did, because it kept fixing the damage.” Pamela went on to explain. “But since that hasn’t happened in about 5 years your brain has had time to heal itself and it’s doing just that.”

“How’s your memory these days?” the other doctor asked.

Bucky thought for a moment before answering. “It’s been better.” He told them, being honest. “I remember more than I ever have.”

Boy did he ever. Sometimes he wished he didn’t because the detail was terribly good. Like a damn 4K tv in his head. Completely with lovely enhanced color just to emphasize everything. Like the color of blood for instance. Bucky turned his mind from that horror very quickly, wanting to hear the rest.

“The way you had described your memory problems before sounding very similar to what patients with Alziemer’s and dementia deal with, and yet yours is getting better. Your brain is fixing those synapses between memory and emotion a little at a time. And research shows that that seem to be the cause of disorders like that, a breakdown of those pathways.  And to me this is simply amazing.” The neurologist said almost in awe of it. “And I’d like to learn more about how it’s doing it.”

Bucky felt a bit of suspicion at that statement and watched as that doctor put a couple of things on the desk in front of them. Bucky looked them curiously, still feeling a bit wary of the doctor’s motivations as the same time. They were small devices that looked like sensors and he looked back up at them both with curiosity and that slight hint of suspicion he’d felt as well.

“What are these?” He asked, picking one up to study it a little more.

“This is a joint project between Stark Industries Tech, Wakondon scientists and MIT.” The doctor explained. “They are sensors that can be put on a subject’s head to monitor brain function over a period of weeks.” He saw Bucky’s eyes narrow again at the use of the ‘subject’ and corrected himself. “On a person’s head I mean sorry. They are brand new tech and have just been cleared for use.”

Bucky, still feeling that healthy suspicion, continued to inspect them carefully. He’d always been interested in tech for as long as he could remember. It was one of the reasons he’d gone to that fair where then seen.. He turned his mind from that particular memory rather quickly, and concentrated on the matter at hand. He turned the sensor around his hand, studying it curiously.

“You want me to wear these.” He said thoughtfully. “To study me.”

“I would like to.” The neurologist said. “But I do understand you have issues with thoee kind of things, and considering your history I don’t blame you.” He gave Bucky slightly sympathetic look. “But your brain is doing incredible things and if we can figure exactly how it’s doing it, we could help a lot of people.”

Steve, who had been mostly quiet finally spoke up at this. “Just what exactly would this entail?” He asked, and Bucky could hear the protectiveness rising in him now and loved him for it. “Because I don’t want any more harm done to him if you can understand.” Bucky felt his hand being squeezed under the table. “He’s been through enough.”

“It’s okay Steve.” Bucky said softly. “It is.”

He saw Steve look at him with those concerned eyes. “”I just don’t want you be an experiment again Buck that’s all.”  And then back at the doctor. “I just want to know that if your gnna do this it’s not gonna harm him in any way.”

“It’s a fear question Captain.” The doctor said with an understanding tone. “It wouldn’t be invasive at all. The things adhere to the skin cause no pain at all. It simply scans the brain and records the activity. There is no radiation involved at all in this so there is no danger to his health. “

“Would I have to stay in the hospital or something?” Bucky asked, this was a very big concern for him.

“No you wouldn’t.” The doctor told him. “It’s point is to show your brain activity while living your life the way you normally live it. Eating, exercise, sleep and everything in between and you being home is much more of an accurate study of that.”

Bucky felt a slight amusement, thinking of what it would read while he was having sex. Wondering what his brain function would look like then. “Everything in between huh?” He mused to himself, putting the emphasis on that first word. “Interesting.”

He must’ve had some kind of look on his face too because he felt Steve kick him gently under the table, causing him to give him a knowing smirk. Now this could be interesting.

“Just so you know as well, this is strictly voluntary.” Pamela told him, getting his attention out of the gutter for the moment. “The choice is completely up to you Bucky.”

He smiled at her, how she always remembered to use his first name, ever since the day they’d met, when he’d been so sick and ornery about it, she had remembered. She was a great lady. He was going to remind Sam again how lucky he was to land such a great lady as her.

“Can I have a little time to think about it?” He asked, his hand squeezing Steve’s again.

“You sure can.” She told him. “We’ll give you guys a minute to talk alright?”

“Thanks.”

She and the other doctor left them alone and Bucky turned in his chair and took Steve’s other hand as well. He was conflicted about this. One the one hand he feared being a test subject again, after the way he’d been treated by Zola and Hydra, and then that awful facility he had a healthy wariness of it. But he knew there was a difference between them and this one.

He was being given the choice this time.

He also mulled over the fact that it could not only help him, but others as well. People that were suffering though some of the same things he was. He’d seen people at the VA struggle with head trauma to go along with their mental issues and it had always hit him in a personal way. He started thinking maybe something good could come out of all this pain he’d been through.

“What’s going on in that gorgeous head of yours?” Steve asked him, letting go of one his hands and putting it on his face, pulling his head to his. “Tell me?”

Bucky sighed, closing his eyes. “Part of me wants to say no… that I don’t want be an experiment anymore.” He told him honestly as he sat there with his head against his. “But the other part of me says it could help people.. that I could do some good with this you know?” He bit his lip. “I don’t know what to do.”

“I get that.”

“What do you think I should do?” He asked Steve, taking another deep breath.

“I can’t make that choice for you Buck.” Steve told him, his warm hand stroking his face. “It has to be yours and yours alone.”

He knew that was true. Finally the choices were his and no one else’s. After all those years of having no autonomy, no say in the matter it was finally up to him. This was a revelation really. And he when he cleared the confusion and the fear out of his head the choice was obvious to him. But he just needed one question answered first.

“I think I know what I’m gonna do.”

“Okay.” Steve said, smiling at him as he pulled back and brushed some of his hair away like he always did. “Remember that whatever is, I’ll support you.”

Bucky smiled. “Thanks punk.”

“Anytime jerk.”

As they waited for the doctor to come back in, Bucky realized something else as well. The agitation he’d felt earlier had taken a back seat. The antsyness that had plagued him since he’d gotten to the hospital was for the moment, non-existent. Didn’t mean it wouldn’t be back shortly, but he’d been so distracted that he had forgotten about it.

Once the doctors had come back in, Bucky asked them that final question and knew the way the neurologist responded to it would finalize the decision either way. It was important to ask this.

“If I do this, it’s gonna be to help people right?” He asked, his hands gripping Steve’s under the table. “I’m not just some lab rat that will be used to write some book or get notoriety or used in any way to hurt anyone.” He kept a steady gaze, needing to know the answer. “It’s ONLY gonna be used to help others. “

“Yes Sergeant Barnes.” The neurologist said, and Bucky watched him carefully as he answered. “It will only be used for that purpose. To help you and others. This research is very important to me for personal as well professional reasons and I promise that you will not exploited in any way.”

Bucky saw truth and honest in his eyes and could see it meant something personal to him as well. He believed him for that reason alone. “Okay then.” He said, taking a deep breath. “I’ll do it.”

\--

“So how do I look?”

Steve turned to Bucky and smiled. “Gorgeous per usual.” He said with a wink.

Bucky rolled his eyes. “I mean the sensors idiot.” He shot back. “Can you see them?”

He studied him, not even really being able to tell where they were to be honest. His hair seemed to cover them quite efficiently, but he knew they were tiny as hell anyways. Designed not to be noticeable. Most likely by Tony himself, sort of the way he’d designed communication devices as well. Meant to be inconspicuous.

“What sensors?” He asked teasingly, leaning over to kiss him on the head. “All I see is my beautiful grumpy bear.”

Pamela, who’d put them on him, smiled at this cute exchange and Bucky to almost blush in embarrassment. “Dammit punk I told you to stop saying shit like that in public.” He sighed, even though he didn’t look that pissed.

He was in a bit better mood, but Steve could see he was getting antsy again. Wanting to get out of there and go home. After some more instructions on how to maintain the equipment and such they were finally able to do that. And his nervous energy flowed back in the by the time they’d got in the car. In fact the minute the door closed his lips were on his, kissing him fiercely, of his legs over Steve’s lap .

“So..” Steve said smiling against his lips.  “I guess we’re gonna do this right here huh?” He turned a little, sliding his hands over Bucky’s jean clad thigh. “Cause we not even out of the parking lot you know?”

“I know.” Bucky replied, pulling his lips away and looking down at him. “Just been dying to kiss you punk that’s all.” He brushed his lips over Steve’s. “Feels like forever since I’ve done it.”

It hadn’t been that long, Steve thought to himself, but wasn’t about to mention that to him in this moment. There was a time and a place for that. Even though he couldn’t get it out of his mind, the way he’d looked, the feel of that kiss. Those words _We love you too._ And the strange thought he’d had when they’d mentioned Bucky had a seizure around that time of night. It was on his mind now. He was trying to work it all out in his head. Bucky seemed to sense his thoughts were elsewhere and gave him a little pinch through his shirt.

“Hello… Earth to Rogers.”

Steve looked back at him, refocusing his thoughts. He brushed his hair back from his forehead, seeing the tiny sensors right next to his hairline. He’d had mixed feelings about Bucky doing this, concerned about him being used as test subject considering the experiments he’d already been subjected to. But he was also proud of him too, because it was his choice and even though he had been clearly afraid he’d done it to because he believed it could help not only him but others. In spite his own reservations he felt pride in him being allowed to make the decisions in the first place.

And maybe it would shed some light on these Winter Soldier incidents as well.

“So you’re sure you want to do this?” He asked, trailing his fingers over one of those sensors.

“I want to understand what’s going on in my head Steve.” Bucky told him, playing with the collar of shirts. “And if I can help others while doing that then maybe all this shit will be worth it you know?”

“Yeah I know.” He whispered to him, wrapping his hand around Bucky’s thighs in a soothing way. “I’m just checking.”

Bucky smiled at him and leaned in to kiss him again, for another good solid minute this time. Steve had no problem doing a through job of it, fisting his hair softly trying to relax him long enough to get him home so he could take care of him there. He knew it had been a rough couple of nights for him. For them both actually. Not just at the hospital but the night before as well.

Talking about the fall and the guilt had been rough on both of them. And now all this. Including that strange Winter Soldier thing he was keeping to himself for the time being. And what he felt were slightly problematic feelings involved in it.

“You wanna stop somewhere?” He asked, pulling his lips away while still loosely bunching his hair in his fingers. “Or do you wanna just go home?”

Bucky took a deep breath as if considering this for a moment. “Home.” He said finally. “I can wait a little longer.” He smiled knowingly. “Besides I miss Arya. And our bed.”

“Alright then, but you gotta get your leg off me first.”

“Why?” Bucky asked, teasingly nipping Steve’s neck. “You can’t drive like this punk?”

“Well I could if you were capable of behaving yourself.” He teased him back, giving his ass a soft little squeeze. “But you can’t be trusted so scoot over jerk.”

Bucky pouted and slid off him before settling into his own seat. “You’re no fun Rogers.”

The traffic home was relatively light today fortunately, so it didn’t’ take them long to get back. And when they got there they were greeted by Wanda and Arya, the latter of whom came running up at the sight of both her daddies being home. She was immediately scooped up by Bucky who proceeded to love on her. Steve thought it was the cutest thing the way she wrapped her little paws around his neck as if she was hugging him, purring her little heart out.

“Hey there little darlin’” Bucky seemed to coo to her. “I missed you too.”

She was soon passed to Steve who loved on her as well as Wanda gave Bucky a hug, her face showing relief that he was okay. And for Steve seeing how easily Bucky accepted that hug was beautiful too. How much he was opening up to people was warming his heart after all the fear he used to have about letting himself be touched at all. But Wanda was family to him now and he adored her that was clear.

She had all kinds of questions and Steve let Bucky explain it to her while he set Array down so she could walk back and forth between all their legs.

“What are those?” Wanda asked, putting her fingers up the sensors Bucky showed her.

“I’m a lab rat again.” He told her, playing around. “Their spying on my brain.”

Wanda laughed and slapped him in his flesh arm. “Stop that you.” She admonished. “Tell me they’re really for.”

He rubbed his arm as if that slap hurt. “That is what their for.”

They explained it to her while having a late lunch. It was clear she was relieved that he was okay, that he was actually getting better not worse. And like Steve himself had expressed pride in his decision to help himself and others the way he was doing right now. And told him so too.

Before she left, she hugged Steve herself and then crushed Bucky in another hug, that he once again happily accepted. “Don’t scare me like that again.” Steve heard her whisper to him.  “I mean it.”

“I’ll try.” He told her back, squeezing his eyes, his hand on her hair.

Once she was gone and the place was cleaned up Bucky turned to Steve and practically jumped on him, crushing his lips to his and causing him to stumble backwards into the counter. He recovered himself, gripping Bucky’s thighs and feeling his lips curve into a smile as they made out against the counter for a moment, hands all over each other, tongues wrestling sweetly.

“Take me to bed punk.” He moaned breathlessly against Steve’s lips. “I need to test the durability of this equipment.”

Steve chuckled against his lips, lifting him off the ground. “There are other ways to test it you know?” He told him, gripping his ass firmly. “You know.. exercise and stuff.”

“Yeah but..” Bucky purred, sucking on Steve’s neck maddeningly. “This is much more fun..”

They had fitted him with a watch that recorded his heart-rate and pulse as well, because it went hand in hand with the brain monitoring, and Steve had a feeling that thing was about to go off in about 5 minutes. Probably about the time he managed to get Bucky’s pants off. And those pants were probably not going back on anytime soon.

He hoisted him up a little more into his arms, feeling his hands fist the back of his shirt and those lips of his still sucking on his neck as he carried him upstairs. Fulling planning on making that heart monitor and those sensors go haywire tonight. After a stressful night in the hospital he was planning on taking damn good care of him tonight.

“You better be ready gorgeous.” Steve told him as he deposited him on the bed. “Because those things are gonna go off all night with what I’m planning..”

Bucky bit his lip seductively as he looked up at him, those stunning blue eyes hooded by those dark lashes. “Oh yeah punk?.” He purred again, getting a fistful of Steve’s shirt pulling him closer. “That a promise?”

Steve pushed Bucky’s shirt up, attacking those gorgeous abs of his with his lips, sucking on them as he pulled his jeans off. “Sure is jerk.” He growled and bit down softly. “So hold on.”

He felt Bucky’s hands grip his hair, heard him start to moan his approval of that sentiment.

He was right, it was way more fun this way.

\--

“You are…. So.. beautiful..”

Bucky looked down at Steve, lost in that beautiful haze as he slowly rode him, responding to the growl in Steve’s voice almost instinctively. His hands were on Steve’s heavy chest, digging into it, his hair hanging in his face, his knees clutching his hips. He could feel Steve’s hands gripping his own hips, holding him as he fucked up into him deliciously, hitting every spot perfectly.

“Am…I?” He moaned, his knees gripping Steve’s thighs.

“Yes..” Steve growled in return, his hands gripping Bucky’s thighs hard, holding him on to him. “You’re…so perfect…baby.. I.. love …you.. so… much..”

Every word was emphasized with a deliciously deep upward thrust into him and Bucky moaned thickly at every one of them. In that moment he felt it, felt beautiful and loved, his eyes fluttering and rolling with every jolt of pleasure that rolled through his body. Building a slow, yet powerful release.

Which was exactly what he needed today it seemed.

Steve had made good on pleasuring the hell out of him. Basically kissing and touching and stroking  him straight into madness. There was, once again, no part of his body untouched. He’d left several marks in many intimate places and he already came deliciously before being hoisted onto his lap like this, and he was already close again. Was pretty damn sure his heart-rate had spike considerably and a hazy part of him wondered what the sensors were reading at this time.

It was an amusing and interesting thought, and for some reason just turned him on more.

He could feel Steve’s gripping his hips so tight that he knew there would be marks on him and that thought just aroused him further, causing him to leave a few scratches of his own on his chest. He just couldn’t help it.

“You gonna cum for me beautiful?” He heard Steve growled, seeing that lust and possessiveness in his eyes. “Let me have it.”

His fingers dug into Steve’s chest at those words, and he did, hard, his head falling back, only being held up by Steve’s strong hands holding his hips. He saw supernovas exploding in front of his eyes and let a long breathless cry at this powerful relesae. Feeling the stress of the last two days roll off him finally. He took in ragged gulps of air, his body limp in his arms, completely spent for the moment. He felt himself be pulled forward and suddenly flipped onto his back, Steve still buried deep inside him. He opened his eyes and looked up Steve, his arms falling limply at his sides.

“I love how you feel inside..” Steve purred into his ear, not moving, just holding him there. “You feel so good.. I just want to…fuck you all day sweetheart…”

All Bucky could do was whimper, he could barely form words at all. He felt gloriously filled, Steve’s body draped over his, pressing him into the bed. He could feel Steve’s hands sliding up and down his body and his mouth sucking on his neck, marking him melt yet again. It felt so perfect at the moment and he could barely keep his eyes open, soft moans coming out of his throat.

“I love you so much.” He heard him coo into his ear. “You’re so.. perfect.”

The praise was filling him up as well, sinking through his skin into his bones now. Into deep recesses of his mind. Into the deep places where he still felt worthless and ugly. Where he was nothing but an asset, used and abuse, broken and bent to the will of others. He was closer than ever to believing in his own worth these days. It was starting to penetrate.

“I love you too punk.” He breathed, taking Steve’s face in his hands. “So damn much.”

He felt his lips smothered in another kiss and Steve’s hands slide up his body again, every moment sending a pulse through Bucky’s over-heated body. Those hands trailed up his sides, over his shoulders to his arms and down them. His hands found Bucky’s and flattened them against the bed, their fingers entwining together intimately. And Steve began to move inside him again as they continued to kiss deeply.

It was harder, more urgent this time, and Bucky wrapped his legs around Steve’s hips and willingly took it all over again, his pleasure ravaged body fucking back against Steve’s, losing himself in the beautiful haze.

He was brought to a glorious climax yet again, his body so stimulated that he felt it everywhere. Every nerve ending lit up, his whole body contracting, his fingers gripping Steve’s as he was kissed again, his thick moans mixing with Steve’s as they both went at the same time.

Bucky felt himself falling in that beautiful headspace where he felt nothing but bliss, barely felt Steve slide his arm under him to lift him up. Barely felt him roll off him and pull him into his arms. Barely felt anything at all. He forgot about everything that day, drifting in that sweet place, feeling completely safe.

When he became aware again, he found himself nestled against Steve’s chest, his arm and leg thrown lazily over him. Feeling Steve’s hand rubbing his ass softly, fingers massaging tenderly. He felt himself purring the way Arya did in her sweetest contentment. And speaking of Arya.

Bucky lifted his head slightly, seeing her curled up on Steve’s stomach, just under his metal arm. Could see Steve’s hand lazily petting her as they lay there in the sweet afterglow.

It felt so good to be home again. Just spending one night away had been stressful. And now that stress was gone. There was just homey bliss.

“Hey there little darlin’” He whispered, lifting his metal hand up to pet her. “When did you get here?”

“While you were napping silly.” Steve whispered, tangling the fingers that had just been petting Arya into Bucky’s mused up brown hair. “And you look so content neither of us wanted to wake you.”

Bucky smiled at that, feeling the rise and fall of Steve’s respiration as he petted Arya and let his mind drift to earlier. He lifted his hand for a moment, feeling the sensors on his head, chuckling because he’d already forgotten he was wearing them, and maybe that was the point. Then he put his hand onto Arya’s back, feeling her purr increase again.

He thought about why he’d agreed to. To help others yes, that was the main motivation. To make his suffering worth it in some way. But also to understand himself better. Listening to the neurologist talk about how his brain was doing things he’d never seen before. Remembering Amelia tell him how his mind had found a survival mechanism for him during the worst of it. He was realizing just different he was now. How remarkable he might be. And he wanted to learn about it, to understand it so this strange madness wouldn’t control him. To learn how to not fear it and use it to help and not harm anymore like he used to.

And he knew with the love and support, he was getting there. Slowly but surely. And today he felt like he’d made another step in that direction.

“I think this is a good thing.” He said out loud after a time.

“What’s a good thing Buck.”

“The study.” He said as he nuzzled Steve’s chest a little, kissing the little scratches he’d made lovingly.. “I’m glad I’m doing it.” He rested his chin on Steve’s chest and looked up at him. “It’ll help people.”

Steve smiled down at him, his fingers playing in Bucky’s hair. “And help you too.” He said softly.”Do’t forget that.”

“Yeah.” He agreed, setting his head back down again. “I guess so.”

He then reached down and pulled the blanket to their waists, just below where the cat was sleeping. It was a warm night so that was more than enough coverage. Bucky then wrapped his leg around Steve’s under that same blanket and nuzzled his face into Steve’s shoulder, laying a soft kiss on it. Feeling warm, safe and loved. Content.

He closed his eyes, petting Arya, knowing he wanted to get better for Steve, but now he was starting to want to do it for himself too. Was starting to think maybe he was worth it too.

With that Bucky feel asleep, his face buried in Steve’s neck, and slept very deeply.

\--

The Soldier woke to find himself laying in Steve’s arms. He was naked and could feel the remaining pleasant effects of their activity pretty much all over his body. Could feel Steve’s hand resting on his bare hip and thought it felt nice. His touch never hurt. Unlike others who’d touch him in places like that.

They were back in that safe, familiar place again. It was better than the night before.

He looked up, seeing that small furry animal laying next to Steve, making that engine noise. There was nothing threatening about this this creature and Bucky seemed to have great affection for it. He turned his head to actually look at Steve, a man he was no longer thinking of a handler. The Solider didn’t have a name for what he was actually. All he knew was that he was feeling that feeling for him that Bucky had. That strong one that had freed them from the others.

And he had protected them last night. Kept those strangers from using the hurt words and the blue light on them. When he’d woken up he’d thought he was back with them again. All he could think of was fighting and getting away. But Steve was there, had promised to protect them. And the Soldier had believed him. His eyes never lied like the others either.

He lifted his hand up to touch Steve’s face, he felt another strange emotion as well. A sense of wishing he could experience all of it as fully as Bucky did. Because he only felt the after-effects of it, and what he felt he liked a lot.

And when this man Steve put his lips on his, he really liked that too.

There was a sense in him that he wasn’t really allowed this though. That Steve was Bucky’s not his. And the Soldier respected that. He knew if he joined back with Bucky, he’d experience it all too, but Bucky was too afraid to allow him back in now, and the Soldier felt slightly lost as a result. Cut off and adrift sometimes.

And that strange feeling of losing himself too. Of being absorbed. He didn’t understand these feelings. He just went with them like everything else. He accepted things as they were. Accepted his reality. Never contemplated anything too much. Knew his place and what was expected of him. Its why he was such a good asset in a sense.

But he’d never been allowed to really want anything, and now he felt that too, a wanting. A need to experience more than just what they’d allowed him to.

Shifting a bit he slid up, which caused the little furry creature to get up and scamper off. He paid it no heed, and put his leg over Steve and leaned over him, touching his face more. Studying him, committing him to memory. He felt him stir slightly underneath him and saw him open his eyes. He smiled at him, and a warm hand slid over the Soldier’s bare thigh and he felt that slight shiver at that.

“You’re Steve.” He told him, leaning over a little more. “We love you.”

He saw a strange recognition in Steve’s eyes and then felt the other one of those hands slide around the back of his neck into his hair and grip in a pleasant way. Not like that other man. He could see why Bucky liked this so much.

His lips were pulled down to Steve’s lips and he let himself be kissed again. Let himself feel more.

\--

He had known who it was, or to be more accurate, what side of Bucky it was. But he still pulled him down to kiss him just the same. Still wrapped his hand around his back and rolled him onto his back and ran his hands over him softly. Could feel those bare thighs hugging him as they lay there.

He still wanted him.

But he knew that was wrong on so many levels. That it would it be taking advantage of him to go any further than this. Like having sex with someone while they were drunk. Or in this case sleeping. He would never hurt Bucky like that. Ever.

But the feeling was strong, and it took all he had to stop himself from continuing.

He finally pulled his lips away and smoothed his hair back to look down at him. “Soldier?” He whispered softly. “We can’t.”

Steve saw a strange sense of understanding the Soldiers eyes. As if he expected this.  Knew he couldn’t do this even if he didn’t know why. It was so interesting to Steve to see this. It had been in a way, fascinating to see this part of Bucky change and grow from the confused, angry thing he’d been when he’d first started appearing, to this. Steve knew on an instinctive level that this was a sign of Bucky’s mind healing. The closer the Soldier got to Bucky, the closer he came to being whole again. 

Thinking the doctor telling them, his head was doing this on it’s own.  It was truly remarkable. Thinking his mind was quite amazing and beautiful.  Just like he was.

“Only when we’re together.” The Soldier said, still looking up at him, his hands on Steve’s shoulders.

“Yes.” Steve said softly to him. “Only then.”

He ran his hand over his hip gently, seeing the slight flutter in the Soldiers eyes at his touch. Steve knew this part of Bucky had known nothing but violence and the fact that he was becoming this trusting showed where Bucky was too. That the doubts were gone in him, and he was fully embracing being safe. Embracing touch and contact. Remembering how Wanda had hugged him twice today and he hadn’t even flinched. He didn’t care for strangers touching him, but friends could it seemed.

He was getting better. Closer to whole. But he wasn’t quite there yet.

“I want to.” The Soldier said, the hard edges in his voice disappearing a little at a time. “But he is still afraid.”

Steve brushed the Soldier’s hair back, still laying intimately between his legs. “Why is he afraid?”

“He dose not want to remember.”

“Remember what?”

The Soldier’s blue eyes coolly assessed him as if this should be obvious. “Everything.” Was all he said as he stared at him.

It hit Steve in that moment what he meant. Bucky had hinted that the Soldier had memories he didn’t want. The places that may have been blank for Bucky. The holes in his memory weren’t just because of the wiping,, his brain was fixing that. It was because certain ones were in the Soldier’s archive so to speak. He understood that once they were merged fully, he would have to face all of them. To acknowledge everything and he didn’t know how Bucky would handle that.

But Steve knew he had to be a whole person again to fully heal. And that he was strong enough now to get through that as well. He just had to believe in himself.

“Will you miss me?” The Soldier asked, his hands resting on Steve’s arms. “When I go away?”

For some reason Steve actually felt emotional about this. That he wondered this. Thinking he would be gone. Forgotten again as always. The lost, broken part of Bucky that been used and tossed away when no longer needed. That part of him that had been alone for so long that he expected to be stuffed away in stasis again. Only this time instead of a cryo chamber, it would be deep in Bucky’s head. Steve could see it his eyes in that moment. That barely hidden fear that was still partly Bucky’s too.

 Thinking of the first time he’d seen him, on that roof as he caught his shield. Seeing the strange look of lost confusion in his eyes even then. Before he even knew who he was.  When he’d learned who he really was and had loved that monster that everyone told him to give up on. Had loved him through everything really. Even in the times when he had that metal hand on his throat in his mad confusion, he had loved him. Had loved him because he was Bucky. Hurt and broken but still Bucky. And that had been all that mattered.

“Yes. I will.” He told him, cradling his face with his hands. “But you’ll be part of him and that will better I promise.”

He pulled his lips to his one more time, kissing him again, trying to hide his emotions in it. He could feel that metal hand snake around the back of his neck, holding him to him just like last night, almost if afraid to let go. The one last night was sweet, this was desperate and emotional, and it went on for a long time as a result. 

When he finally pulled his lips away, they embraced, the Soldier burying his head in Steve’s shoulder and Steve doing the same to him. His legs hugged Steve too, in an intimate but non-sexual way, just as a way of hanging on to the moment a little longer.

“I love you Soldier.” He whispered to him, his hand cradling his head. “I always will.”

He felt the shudder in his arms and pulled back to look at him and saw his eyes flutter and blink in confusion. The thought he had earlier solidified in his mind. He was coming out of a seizure, in which he’d been in a state of unconsciousness. He was wondering about the connection here. If the split in his mind and these seizures were related in some way. Those sensors he was wearing might answer that question he supposed. His fingers brushed one of them as Bucky seemed to come coherency again, looking up at him confused.

“Steve?” He asked, his voice fuzzy. “What’s going on?”

He stroked his hair a little more. “It’s okay.” He whispered to him, trying to contain his emotion. “I think you had another seizure.”

“I did?” Bucky asked, looking up at Steve as if searching him. “Is that why you’re upset?”

Steve nodded, and decided if he asked, he would tell him the truth and let it fall where it may. Maybe he needed to hear it now. Maybe he was finally strong enough to handle it, even if he reacted badly. It was time to be honest. To understand just how complicated his incredible mind was.

To fully address that rather large elephant in the room.

“It’s part of it yeah.” He told him. “But not all of it.”

He saw Bucky’s eyes narrow, seeing concern in them. And suspicion too. See he was working out the question he wanted to ask as he was laying naked under him. He knew full well he hadn’t fallen asleep that way, that the position was strange now that he was coherent enough to notice.

“Then what is it Steve?” He asked, his voice even. “Just say it.”

Steve took a deep breath and looked at him steadily. “You have to stop fighting it Buck.” He told him. “You have to let him back in.”

He watched Bucky’s face, seeing a myriad of different emotions come over it as he began to process what Steve was saying. “What the hell are you talkin’ about?” He asked, the accent back in his voice but there nothing sexy about it. It was angry, ready to fight.

“The Winter Soldier.” He told him, putting his hands on his shoulders while he would still let him do it. “It’s time to talk about him.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I not only wanted to start delving in the beautiful complicated mind of Bucky Barnes, but also into that very interesting complicated relationship Steve has with the Winter Soldier as well.Something that has been a huge part of this story since almost the beginning. And it's about to come a header as you see by how this was left. 
> 
> I thought it was interesting to sort of sort out how the serum affected Bucky as opposed to Steve (and even those 'other' Soldiers). To sort out what parts of him it affected the most. Because as we all remember, Bucky was a pretty healthy specimen when they first gave it to him. It most likely improved some of his better qualities, like strength, agility, hand-eye coordination. Things like that as well as psychological traits such as loyalty and protectiveness and compliance tendencies. Things that were unfortunately useful to Hydra. But I think it would be interesting if had an effect on his brain chemistry as well so this is my ownlittle spin on things. 
> 
> Bucky does really hate hospitals dosen't he? Understandable considering. And being touched by strange males obviously, for obvious reasons as well. It's the reason his doctors, like Pam and Amelia, are female. And maybe the reason he took to Wanda so quickly as well. Throwing in those hugs were important to me to show how far he's come these days. 
> 
> Steve's reluctance to go any further with WS is btw the right thing to do because Bucky is not really in the right state to consent to anything there. But Steve's feelings for the Soldier, like his for Bucky are very strong, and when you think about the fact that he is that one that strictly dealt with this part of Bucky, you can understand how that would develop and confusing it can be sometimes, but he's making the right decision to hold back for Bucky's sake and that's a good thing. 
> 
> The next chapter i'm kind of excited to write because we will start getting into the meat of how to bring these two halves back together, as you can see WS is much more open to this than Bucky and that will play out as we roll along. It's tentative title is 'Reflection' so make what you will of that. 
> 
> Thank you for your reviews of that last chapter, it had a heavy effect, especially writing the first part.


	27. Reflection

Bucky stared at Steve for a long moment, still laying naked under him, his legs bent on either side of him. The position was strange and disquieting. Stirring up a myriad of feelings in his head. Namely fear and confusion, which had quickly melted into suspicion. None of these were feelings he wanted to associate with Steve. But they were they were there just the same.

He got up on his elbows, hearing Steve’s last statement echoing in his ears. He narrowed his eyes at him, feeling a sudden need to be defensive and on guard as well. Because he didn’t want to talk about this. He couldn’t, it was a block in his mind, and it caused his hackles to go up.

“Maybe you oughta tell me about him.” He answered, his voice low, barely masking his suspicion. “About what you two were just doing.”

“Bucky it’s not what you think.”

“Oh really?” He asked almost incredulously. “What the hell am I supposed to think when I wake up with my legs practically wrapped around you?” He sat up a little more, pulling back from him. “That you guys were doing yoga?”

A horrible scenario was playing in his mind, suspicions running wild. Didn’t he wake up in the middle of something? Where Steve and.. him.. engaging in certain activities while he was asleep? It didn’t feel like they had, the slight soreness he felt he could account for from earlier. But it didn’t mean it hadn’t happened before. He knew these thoughts were irrational, crazy even, Steve wouldn’t do that, but it was there just the same, gnawing at him. What the hell were they doing while he was sleeping? He needed to know. Because his mind was running wild and he knew Steve could see it in his eyes.

“I know what it looks like Buck.” Steve said softly, resting a hand on Bucky’s leg that he didn’t push off just yet. “We weren’t doing that.”

“Not now at least right?” He asked, letting it spill out. “Have you done it before?”

It was an absurd accusation, but it was an absurd situation. And the truth was, he wasn’t sure about anything these days. His mind was so fucked up god knows what he did in his sleep. It frightened the hell out of him.

“No.” Steve answered, looking shocked that he would even think it. “I would never do that to you.”

He saw honesty in his eyes, knowing Steve couldn’t lie for shit, and that relieved him but he was still very unsettled by this and pulled away from him a little, running his hands through his hair for a moment, just needing to do something with them because right now he felt very vulnerable and very much in the dark over this. Thinking even though they hadn’t fucked it didn’t mean…

“Do you want to?” He suddenly asked, needing an answer to this. “Tell me the goddamn truth.”

He remembered Steve hinting at this during the heat of their angry interaction once. How he’d growled in his ear right before pressing him into the wall and fucking him senseless. He remembered that incident quite clearly, their fight turning into angry passion, after he’d accused Steve of just this same thing. It was amazing how these things came back around sometimes.

Because they hadn’t really dealt with it had they? He avoided that subject then. But now he was asking.

Steve seemed to be surprised by the question, looking almost caught, which only heightened Bucky’s suspicions. “He’s part of you Buck.” He answered, leaning forward a little. “Of course I do.”

“That’s not what I mean.” Bucky asked angrily, leaning with his back against the headboard now. “Stop hedging.”

“I’m not.” Steve answered, sounding a little angry himself. “You keep referring him as a separate person and he’s not.” He rubbed his leg comfortingly. “He’s another part of you and you have to acknowledge that.”

Bucky felt very defensive now at those words. Thinking of how he was trapped inside while that other part of him used his body to do horrible things. Thought of the memories that were stored in that part of him. He couldn’t deal with those. Just couldn’t. The very idea of it made him want to scratch and claw, and then to retreat. He wanted to jettison the part of him and forget about it, tucking it away in a dark corner, even though he knew he couldn’t, that was unhealthy but he just..

“I don’t’ have to acknowledge anything.” He snapped at him, pulling away from his touch. “Just answer the fucking question.”

“Dammit Buck.” Steve seemed to sigh resignedly before grabbing both his shoulders and pushing him against the headboard, holding him there firmly. “You wanna know what’s going on? What I’ve been dealing with? Okay I’ll tell you.” His grip was strong, and Bucky simply could not push back against it, just glared at him. “Since you’ve been home, I’M the one whose been dealing with the Winter Soldier you understand? Me. I’ve been talking to him, comforting him, trying to goddamn get him to trust me.. to get that part of YOU to trust me and it’s finally happening and I… I have feelings okay?” He looked in Bucky’s eyes, holding them. “Do you understand that?”

Bucky looked at him, understanding perfectly, even though his anger. Truth is he had no idea what Steve had been dealing with every night for months on end. The nightmares and the screaming and whimpering. And the Soldier, coming out and doing whatever he did. Violent or otherwise. What the hell did he expect would happen here? Even in his angry state he knew deep down he’d forced Steve to deal with that pretty much on his own and he felt like an asshole as a result. But for some reason he just kept pushing back just the same.

“You’re in love in with him aren’t you?” He asked Steve, keeping his voice even.

“Yeah I am.” Steve answered tiredly, not bothering to hedge on it at all. “Because he’s a part of you Buck and I love every goddamn part of you.”

He tried to hide his emotions on that statement, wanting to stay mad. “Have you… kissed him?” He asked hesitantly, biting his lip, their eyes still locked together. “Touched him?”

“Yes.” Steve answered, letting out a heavy breath. “I have.” Bucky saw what looked like some remorse in his eyes over this admission. “You don’t know what this is like Buck, how confusing this is. He’s you but.. different. And that mixes me all up inside. Seeing you like that.. so scared and confused like you were before.. like you still sometimes are and I just..”

Bucky finally averted his eyes, feeling pained. He couldn’t comprehend this because he’d kept the Soldier so separate, especially after that incident at the lake. When he’d woken up with his hand around Steve’s throat. The one that had caused him to hurt himself. But who was he kidding there? He’d tried to kill himself because of it. It had been important in his therapy to acknowledge that. But the whole incident had scared him badly and made him try to bury the Winter Soldier further in his head. But it clearly hadn’t worked. He knew it hadn’t, and here he was still living in this dangerous denial. And Steve was the one left to deal with it.

“Sometimes I think he’s what you were when you they had you.” Steve continued, Bucky not interrupting or inject anything, just listening because, well, he owed Steve that much at least. “And it took forever to get him.. you… to totally trust me and first I’m just touching and holding him and things.. happened Buck and I’m sorry.” He seemed to close his eyes painfully. “I never let it go too far but maybe it still did and I’m sorry about that.”

Bucky felt like a total piece of shit now, which of course made him want to pull away, but Steve had no intention of letting him go of him yet. Was still holding him firmly against the headboard. Could feel his hand gripping the bicep of his flesh arm, not hard enough to bruise but hard just the same. Firm. He continued to keep his eyes locked n Steve’s, keeping his face neutral, just absorbing everything Steve was saying into him.

“You thought about it?” Bucky asked after a moment of silence, feeling that masochistic need to know more. “Abut fucking him?”

Steve nodded. “I did.” He admitted. “And that’s so messed up because I’d be hurting you if I did.”

“How is that be hurting me?” He asked, feeling slightly confused. “If he’s me like you said.”

He knew how it was, deep down inside, but for some reason he wanted to hear what Steve had to say about this. Amelia had told him that sometimes even when you yourself knew the answer you needed someone else to show it to you too. To give you a perspective you might not have had before. She’d been right, because it had made him understand things better. Even if it hurt to hear sometimes. Like now.

“Because you’re not in your right mind then Buck.” Steve told him, leaning a little closer. “You can’t consent.. “ His gripped loosened a little, but he still held him there, trying to get it across.. “Just like when he made you do those things to him in the room. “

Bucky flinched slightly at that comparison. “It’s not the same thing.” He tried to argue, even though he knew Steve was right. “You’re not him.”

“That’s right I’m not.” Steve answered, and Bucky swore he saw relief in his face when he said it. “I would never do that.”

Bucky nodded and felt a different question rise in his mind as well. One that he’d been afraid to touch as well. How Steve had known back at the lake that that had happened to him before he himself knew. Before Bucky himself had had the courage to tell him months later The answer he knew was simple and yet terrifying. He knew because the Winter Soldier had told him.

Or worse, shown him.

But he could not ask that question right now. Wasn’t sure if he ever could.  Because the answer might’ve been more than he could handle. And he could barely handle this.

Bucky turned his head from his eyes, trying to hide these thoughts from Steve. He still felt a lot of pain and shame over them, and never wanted to associate those feelings with anything Steve did. And realizing that part of his mind was still sorting that out to some degree he supposed. The part that was the Winter Soldier still. That part had taken longer to understand the difference between what Steve did and what his abusers had done. That it had taken that part longer than the rest of him to fully trust Steve. And this fucked with him in ways he didn’t understand yet. Giving him a clear picture of just how screwed up he was.

Just how much they’d messed up his headspace with their incessant abuse. In all its horrible forms.

“Hey.” Steve asked, noticing his thoughts were elsewhere. “You okay?”

 “Yeah..” he told him, deflecting a little. “I just thought I was getting better.” He continued to look away, avoiding eye contact. “I guess not.”

“You are.” Steve answered, the grip relaxing even more. “But you gotta let him back in Buck.”

He turned his head back to Steve, feeling fearful and defensive about this. The idea of letting the Soldier back into the front of his head terrified him. Remembering the time and effort it took just to wrestle control back. Remembering being trapped in his own mind, and in the rare moments he was strong enough to look out, seeing horrible things being done by his hands. The terror he felt over this idea manifested itself in barely contained anger.

“I will not let him back in Steve.” Bucky growled defensively before finally pulling away from him. “He’s dangerous.” He glared at Steve angrily. “Never again.”

“Bucky don’t do this.”

“Don’t do what?” He snapped, getting up off the bed. “Keep that monster contained?” He absently grabbed some clothes to put on. “You’ve seen what he can do Steve. What he’s already done.”

“He’s not a monster Buck. “ Steve told him, getting up himself, putting his hands on Bucky’s shoulders. “No more than you.” He felt his hands grip his shoulders as he glared back at him. “You need to accept him.”

He was so damn scared and angry that he just couldn’t help lashing out, hating himself a little for it too. “Why? Because you’ve got the hots for him?” He hissed at him, pulling away almost violently. “You’re fucking nuts.”

He could see that stung Steve a little, but he restrained himself it seemed. “That’s not the reason and you know it.” He replied in an even voice. “Don’t turn it on me because you’re scarred of him.

Bucky felt caught a bit on that. That Steve knew exactly what he was doing this. Of course he did. He knew he knew him better than anyone. Knew he lashed out when he was scared.  And man was he ever. Knew it was showing in his eyes right now. His felt wide and his face was hot with it.

He got right in Steve’s face now, just needing to get this out. “You’re damn right I’m scared of him. “ He hissed in his face. “I was in his head for decades, watching him use my body, my fucking hands, to kill people.” He could feel his hands shaking in his fear and anger. “You have no fucking idea what it took to get him out of there and I am NOT letting him back in no matter how much you wanna fuck him.”

At that moment he knew he was pretty much accusing him of wanting the Soldier back for certain reasons, that it was a horrible accusation, but he couldn’t help it. And he sure as hell couldn’t take it back now either. Wondering if there was a part of him that actually believed it because his emotions were all over the map right now. A part of him wondered what those sensors had to be reading right now. That his adrenaline was up and not for good reasons this time.

And he was expecting an angry response from Steve, but he got the opposite this time. As if he knew what he was trying to do. “I do want him here Buck but that’s not why.” He said, putting his hands on Bucky’s face. “Because you’re still torn in half.” He leaned his head against Bucky’s forehead his voice cracking a little. “And I just want you whole again.”

It just about undid him to hear that and hear the emotion in his voice when he said it. And knew Steve was right, that he was still broken inside until he could reconcile this split in his head. But he was terrified of doing it and what it would mean. All he wanted to do was retreat and hide and he did just that, burying his face against Steve’s shoulder, feeling his arms go around him. Feeling one of the strong, gentle hand, ones that had never hurt him, wrap itself around the back of his head, tangling in his hair in a comforting way.

“I’m so fucked up.” He whispered, his face pressed into one of those broad shoulders of his. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” Steve said into his hair. “You’re forgiven.”

Bucky closed his eyes and let himself be held. By those strong arms that held those broken halves together, even when he himself, resisted it. Who let him scratch and claw him when he needed to.

He peered out over Steve’s shoulder, his face still pressed against. “You shouldn’t have to deal with shit punk.” He mumbled into his shirt, feeling drained.

“Yeah well I’m used to your shit jerk.” He heard Steve say as he nuzzled his hair. “So I’m not going anywhere.”

Bucky closed his eyes at that and just let him hold him a little longer, feeling comforted by that.

\--

Bucky had wanted a little time alone and Steve had understood this and given it to him. He knew he needed to think and re-assess things a bit. He had heard the window open and knew he’d gone up the fire escape to the roof, and probably taken Arya with him as well. He didn’t know it for certain, but he had a hunch. She’s become a source of comfort and a grounding force for them both, but Bucky especially.

Steve himself, like Bucky couldn’t go back to sleep, even though it was still really early. The sun had just started coming up, filling the world with light, and he decided to get a little work done in his dark-room. He was putting together for Bucky for when things truly settled for him and got a little work done on that.

He was thinking himself, feeling conflicted about the conversation they’d just had. He’d felt relieved to have confessed to the complicated feelings he’d had about the Winter Soldier, about being honest about it. But at the same time knew he’d sprung some seriously heavy information on Bucky as well, that he was having a little trouble processing. But he also knew that it was necessary too.

After about an hour or so he decided to go find him, because he hadn’t come back down yet. Steve wondered with some amusement if he’d fallen asleep up there, they did have a little storage unit up there where’d they’d left blankets and such for impromptu roof nights so it was possible.

He didn’t see Arya as he crossed the house, which didn’t mean she wasn’t there, she was a cat after all they were good at hiding, but he knew she was with him. And when he got  up to the roof it was confirmed to him.

Arya was sitting on Bucky’s lap, a purring little bundle of fluffy black and white fur, and Steve could see his metal hand wrapped around her back as he petted her. She seemed to love that arm, showing no fear of it at all, which Steve knew, helped Bucky see it as less dangerous. To see himself as less dangerous. Steve could see her white face resting against the silver and gold metal of his wrist and thought it was the sweetest thing he’d ever seen.

Bucky himself was staring out at the cityscape in the distance, the sunlight reflecting off the buildings from behind them. His eyes had a look of being far away, as if still turning things over deep in his mind. His hair was pulled away from his face in a ponytail, but as usual a few strands of hair had fallen loose and framed his face, even as they blew around in the light breeze. Steve was struck, like he always was, by the contrast of the dark brown of his hair and the color of his eyes. That ocean blue color that was so unique to him. That contrast had always been stunning and had always gotten him a lot of attention from others.

He had always been beautiful, but in Steve’s mind he was even more so now. He knew it came from having been broken and the strength it took to put himself back together again. And he wasn’t even all the way there yet.

“Hey there gorgeous.” He finally said, reaching a hand out to brush one of those errant strands out of his eyes. “Planning on staying out here all day?”

Bucky looked over at him. “Maybe.” He replied with a little sass. “What of it punk?”

Steve smiled at that. “You feeling any better?”

“Define better.”

Steve smiled, leaving his hand on the side of his face. “You know what I mean jerk.”

“I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel.” Bucky replied with a heavy sigh. “I know I say that a lot but it’s true.. I don’t know.”

“Well maybe you should stop thinking about how you’re ‘supposed’ to feel and think about how you actually feel.” Steve told him, letting his thumb softly stroke Bucky’s cheek. “That might help.”

Bucky seemed to do another a little chuckle. “I suppose it might.”.” He mused, looking down at Arya as he petted her back, and Steve could actually hear her purring from where he was. “Amelia said I still have trouble with that sometimes.” He turned his eyes back to Steve again. “You know.. thinking for myself.”

Steve watched him when he said this, knowing he’d been under control for so long, his thoughts and feeling manipulated constantly, that he still questioned whether the things he felt were legit even now. That when he’d have an outburst like earlier, he’d feel the need to apologize for it, as if he wasn’t allowed to feel those things, to feel unsettled about it, or even angry about these things. Because whenever he’d let himself feel anything before he’d been punished for it, in obvious and sometimes very subtle ways.

“You got a right to feel whatever way you want about these things Buck.” He told him, moving a little closer and putting his arm around him. “No one’s gonna punish you for it.” He kissed his temple softly. “Not anymore.”

Bucky seemed to take this as a revelation of sorts. “Yeah I guess not.”

“So why don’t you tell me what’s going on in that head of yours beautiful?”

Bucky shook his head, doing that forehead crinkle at that same time, which Steve thought was adorable. “That I’m literally jealous of myself.” He told him, a little amusement in his voice. “And if that’s not completely bonkers then I don’t know what is.”

“That does sound a little nuts.” Steve mused, ribbing his a little. “But I get it.”

“And that I questioned your motivations again even though I know damn well why you want us back together.” He replied, looking serious again. “You just want me to get better I know that.. but I still did it just the same and I.. don’t know why I still do that.”

“Because you’re still confused sometimes.” Steve told him, rubbing his arm comfortingly. “It’s understandable.”

Bucky sighted heavily. “I just feel like I should be past that by now. That’s all.”

“There you again jerk.” Steve admonished, kissing his head again. “Thinking about what you should be feeling instead of.. you know, what you actually feel.”

“Dammit punk.” Bucky said, nudging him a little. “When did you get so smart?”

“I’m not.” Steve said, chuckling. “I just know how you think that’s all.”

Bucky smiled at that, and then his face got serious again as if a thought occurred to him, a slightly uncomfortable one. One he didn’t look like he wanted to ask but had to.

“When you kiss him..” He said after a moment. “I mean when you kiss me when I’m like that.. is it.. different?”

Steve thought about it for a moment before answering him. “Yeah it is.” He admitted, tightening his arm around Bucky’s waist. “I can’t describe it but it’s like.. innocent you know?” He struggled trying find the proper description. “Maybe like when we were younger.. when we first started if that makes any sense.”

It was the best he could come up with to describe the difference.  There was a strange innocence to the way the Winter Soldier kissed him, versus the way Bucky did. Considering the nature of the former, it was a surprising contradiction. This same part of Bucky that had violent tendencies, had tried to strangle him in this strange manifestation, and yet when it came to these intimate things, he was almost strangely naïve about it. Tentative. Like an abused child learning about good touches and affection and wanting more of it. It had occurred to Steve that this was the very deeply injured part of Bucky that was still learning to trust and to love normally again. It was an interesting thought and he wondered if maybe that was why he’d gotten so attached to him. The juxtaposition of the violence and the innocence in his eyes.

Bucky looked slightly confused by it too, his face pinching as if trying to work this out as well. The contraction between the monster he knew in his head versus what Steve had just described.

“I don’t know what to make of that.” He finally answered. “I don’t.”

“I do Buck.” Steve told him, brushing some of Bucky’s hair away from his face with the arm not around him. “I just can’t put it into words.”

“He tells you things too doesn’t he?” Bucky asked, staring out at the horizon again. “About what they did to me.” He seemed to swallow hard. “That’s how you… knew.. before I.. remembered. Because he told you didn’t he?”

Steve felt himself flinch a little, remembering that night at the lake, when the Soldier had gotten on his knees in front of him to demonstrate one of the ways he’d been abused. Remembering Bucky when he was sick, practically crawling up him saying _I’m really good at it_ over and over again. How it taken Bucky months to admit to this horror. And how the Soldier had mentioned that mantra when he told him about the room where the rape and torture had occurred. And how matter of fact he was about it. Telling him these things because Bucky couldn’t.

“We don’t have to talk about this Buck.” He told him, turning his head to look in his eyes. “We don’t.”

“Maybe we do.” Bucky replied in an even tone. “Maybe I need to know all of it.”

“I know I just.” He said, turning and putting his other hand on Bucky’s face gently. “I don’t want you to torture yourself with it that’s all.”

He had seen it in his eyes earlier, a look of almost masochistic need to punish himself with the information he was given. He’d recognized it because he’d seen it in him before. Especially early on, when some of their sexual encounters were more about punishment than pleasure. He had been observant and watchful of it ever since.

Bucky smiled at him a little sadly. “I know Steve.” He said quietly. “But.. it is what it is.”

Steve nodded, knowing he couldn’t control how Bucky reacted to anything. And maybe knowing that in the end, even if the information was painful that maybe he needed to hear it. He was getting stronger, more capable of dealing with the information, even he didn’t always take it well.

“He tried to show me.” He admitted, looking him in the eyes. “And I stopped him.”

Bucky looked down and away, still petting Arya absently. The little cat sleeping in his lap, completely oblivious to it all. “How far did he…I go.” He asked, his face pinching a little.

“Far enough for me to get the gist of it.”

He watched Bucky take another deep sigh and look out at the city skyline, the reflecting sun causing him to blink slightly. But Steve was sure it wasn’t just from the brightness of the light. He was fighting emotion again, trying to hold it back.

“You should’ve told me about that.” He asked, sniffing back that emotion audibly. “About all of it.”

“I know but at the time you… you weren’t ready to hear it.” He told him, turning his face to his. “You were still really confused and.. after this.” He lifted Bucky’s wrist, seeing the faint scar that was still strangely visible. “I wanted to be careful.”

“I know but..” Bucky replied, turning his head to him, biting his lower lip. “I assaulted you and it was’t the only time.” He turned his head away again as if ashamed of this. “That’s fucked up.”

“Listen to me okay?” He said to him, cupping his face and turning it to him. “You’re not responsible for that.. you were confused.” He looked in his eyes for emphasis. “None of that was your fault Buck.”

The memory of when he’d found him bleeding and crying on the bathroom after that terribly rough day hit his mind. It was still painful to think of how he’d been back then. So fragile, so on the edge then. But he had come back from that, just like he kept coming back every time something knocked him down. He kept fighting, even if he didn’t believe himself, a part of him kept trying and he loved him so much for it.

“I gotta fix this.” Bucky said, the pain in his voice getting fresher, less restrained. “But I don’t know how.” His shaking hand stroked Arya’s soft fur, who was still asleep on his lap. “Or maybe I’m just too scared to.”

“I know you are.” Steve said, pressing his lips to Bucky’s head as he leaned against his shoulder. “But I believe in you .” He pulled him closer to him. “You can do this. I mean look how far you’ve come already.”

Bucky scoffed at that. “I’m still a fuckin’ mess.” He told him, getting a little more comfortable. “That’s not an accomplishment.”

“Yes it is.” He whispered into his hair. “Because you’re still here.”

Bucky sniffed again and tucked his face into Steve’s neck. “You know I kinda love you punk.” He said softly, his eyes fluttering shut.

“Yeah well.. I’m pretty fond of you too jerk.” He replied, brushing his lips over his forehead. “So don’t give up on yourself okay?”

Bucky sighed and nodded, snuggling against him a little more. They sat there for a while that morning, with little Arya sleeping contentedly on Bucky’s lap the whole time, oblivious to all of it

\--

“Where are you?” Bucky asked to his reflection in the mirror. “I know you’re in there.”

He was standing in the bathroom mirror after a shower, his damp hair undone, just peering deep into that mirror, like Alice and the looking glass. Trying to look into his own eyes and find the eyes of the other he knew was there. Waiting to see that other set of eyes reflecting back at him.  He needed to see him, to bring him out on his own, not through a seizure or a sleeping fugue.

To maybe confront the monster in his head. Or at least the part of him he had labeled as one.

He knew that wasn’t true. Knew on a deeper level it was still him, a splintered part of him that seemed to be getting closer to him. That he had to pull back in to fix that fracture and make him whole again. So he could truly heal. If he could only stop being afraid of him.

He was trying to take a step in that direction today. Not just for himself but for Steve and the stress this had put him under as well. So they both could sort out their feelings about it and get past it all. Because there were feelings here that needed to be resolved.

And to try to fix himself for the life he was trying to build, with friends and support around him. He knew he needed to for so many of these reasons.

Bucky stared deeper in the mirror, deeper into his own eyes, seeing that blue that Steve had told him about. The color blue inlayed with green. He stared into his mind as well, finding the corridor that led to where he’d kept the Winter Soldier. A door he’d been able to hold shut over the last couple of years, except when he was asleep or unconscious that was. He needed to find that door and loosen the bolts.

“You can come out now.” He spoke again to his reflection. “Let me see you.”

In the corridors of his mind, the dark ones where he kept his worst memories, which were plentiful, he heard many sounds that were terrifying, coming out from behind the dark doors that led to darker rooms. There were a lot of them in this place, the sound of those boots coming from one. The words in Russian echoing down to him from another. The sounds of screams and crackle of electricity.  . And in the midst of those he could hear the sound of that old arm, the slight whirr as it moved in the dark. He was here. He’d kept him in the terrible place in his mind because part of him thought he belonged there.

But Bucky was starting to question that now. For the first time he was starting to wonder if he was wrong to do that now.

“Soldier?” He asked, his throat dry, still looking into his own eyes. “Are you there?”

And for a moment he did see him, staring back at him. His hair in his face, that black outfit they’d always put on him, tighter as time went on as a reminder. The mask over the lower part of his face. The arm with the star gleaming in the low bathroom light. And the blood of course. Lets not forget that. He’d always pictured him with blood on him, as some kind of monster but.. he had the same damn eyes.

He didn’t see menace in those eyes anymore. He saw a strange kind of sadness instead which confused him. A sense of being alone. And suddenly he needed to see his whole face fully.

Bucky reached up to his face and watched the reflection do the same, and made the motion to take the mask off, and the Soldier did. And stared back at him, seeing his own face staring back at him. Just like the painting, it was him. It had always been him and to completely acknowledge him in his mind was still terrifying.

And there was a strange anger in with that fear, but it felt more inwardly directed. And he was sure the Soldier could sense it. Of course he did. He was a part of his head after all.

His fingers gripped the sink, the tremble in them causing a clank on the side of it from his metal fingers. Forcing himself to accept this. It was the first step he knew. One in a long process that he knew would be draining. Painful and exhausting. Frightening on occasion. Like now.

He had called Amelia that day, telling her with a shaky voice, that he was ready to start this. She had told him that they could start as soon as tomorrow. That she would come to his house this time because it was time for her to meet the Winter Solder too. But it needed to be in a safe place and Steve needed to be there as well. Bucky had agreed to this, even though he felt apprehensive about it. He knew it was important though and had to be done.

Right now, he was practicing, seeing if he could bring him on his own and now, he knew he could. The connection was tenuous, but it was there.

It was sapping him, taking energy away but he wanted to hold it just long enough to ask him something. Something very important to him at this moment.

“If I let you out.. “He began to ask, his voice strained with emotion. “You won’t hurt Steve?”

He saw a flicker in the eyes of the Soldier for a second before he answered. And it sounded like it came from inside his head. “We love Steve.” Was all he said before the image faded from his view.

Bucky felt the strength go out of his body at that point, and if he hadn’t been holding onto the sink at that moment, he’d have fallen smack onto the tile floor. He barely held on as it was. His eyes were closed, breathing ragged, taking huge gulps of air into his lungs. His head began to pound, the beginnings of a headache he knew. He slid down to his knees without any strength to stop himself.

 _We love Steve…_ he heard in his head, and for some reason that comforted him. Made this decision easier.

Bucky laid his aching head against the cool tile of the sink and felt some tears of relief start to slide out. This had been happening more lately, making him feel weak and stupid sometimes, but Amelia had continually told him that this emotion was a sign he was getting better. That holding in the feelings had never done anything but delay the pain he’d eventually feel. He was finding it was a relief to let go of it.

“Buck?” He heard Steve’s voice behind him, soft and concerned as it came closer. “What happened?” Arms around him from behind. “Are you okay?”

“No.” He said honestly, feeling those arms pull him closer. “Not right now.” He could feel Steve’s face nuzzling the back of his neck as tried to get himself under control “I’m not okay at all.”

He felt Steve’s hand wrap itself around his forehead, the cool touch easing his aching head, his other arm was wrapped around his waist, tight enough to hold him up and he was grateful for it right now. Physically tired and emotionally a mess made him feel as though if Steve had let him go he’d fall face into the tile floor.

“What do you need Buck?” Steve whispered n his ear. “Tell me.”

He felt himself turn around weakly in his arms, almost crawling into his lap. He grabbed onto Steve’s shirt for purchase and leaned his aching forehead against his. “I wanna go to bed.” He told him, his voice cracking with the emotion he was feeling. “Please just.. take me to bed.”

Steve’s hands went to his face, one of them tangling in his hair and bunching it softly as he held his head against Bucky’s. He knew he could feel him shaking, see the exhaustion on his face.  Turning slightly he pressed his lips softly to Bucky’s, giving him a soft, lingering kiss that calmed his trembling for a moment.

“Then lets go to bed.” Steve whispered softly against his lips. “Come on.”

Right now all Bucky wanted was to be in his arms, to feel safe from his own mind. He wrapped his arms around Steve’s neck and allowed him to lift him off the floor and into his arms. He laid his head on his broad shoulder and allowed himself to be carried to bed. It was still early in the evening but all he wanted to do was lay down.

He was laid down on the bed, his body somewhat limp from exhaustion. Both physical and emotionally. There was still a minute tremble in his fingers and his breathing felt shallow and ragged. He was realizing he probably pushed himself harder than he should’ve but he had wanted, needed to try and assert some control over something he had no control over. And it had cost him that was for damn sure.

He felt Steve’s warm hands on his face and closed his eyes, letting his touch calm him more. “Bucky what happened?” He asked softly, thumbing stroking his face. “Talk to me.”

“I tried to.. pull him out..” He replied, opening his eyes to look up at Steve. “To see if I could do it.”

“Bucky he only comes out when you have seizures.” Steve asked, brushing his hair back with his fingers. “I’m pretty sure of that.” Suddenly Steve got a worried look on his face. “Did you have one?”

Bucky pinched his face, trying to think. Wondering if maybe he had. Wondering if it was possible to give yourself one from straining too hard, because the whole thing felt hazy and indistinct now. The realism that seemed to occur in it was a bit frightening but now it felt like a dream.

“I don’t know.” He said with some confusion. “Maybe.. I’m not sure.” He blinked a little in the light. “Got a headache though.”

He then felt Steve’s warm lips on his forehead and his eyes fluttered at the feel of it. It grounded him, lessening the confusion that he seemed to have now. Thinking he might have had one, the doctor had said you don’t always consciousness, sometimes you just get consumed and physically exhausted. And there was still that slight trembling in his extremities as well. He’d pushed himself too hard and he knew it now.

“I’ll get you an ice-pack and some Alleve okay?” Steve told him, giving him another kiss on the head. “I’ll be right back”

Bucky nodded tiredly and then tried to focus his eyes on the ceiling fan. It wasn’t turning that fast, but it was hard to follow it just the same. He then felt a little thump on the bed and felt a little furry body rub up against him. He turned his head and smiled as Arya’s bright green eyes stared back at him. He put his hand on her back, feeling the grounding force that seemed to exist in the body of this little cat.

“Hey there little darlin’.” He said softly, running his metal hand over her back and over her fluffy tail, causing her purr to get louder. “Where you been?”

Arya just rubbed her head up against his waist and settled under his metal arm like she always did, stretching out against his side. He smiled and closed his eyes again. Trying to relax.

He kept seeing the reflection of the Winter Soldier in the mirror. The mirror image of himself. And remembered, in a fuzzy, dream-like way, the strange feeling that had come off of him. It wasn’t of menace, not anymore at least. It felt like a strange sense of longing. Of being alone. And Bucky was thinking maybe that was what had unnerved him the most, the feeling that he had rejected this part of himself and isolated it from the rest of him. At the time he’d thought he was protecting people from him, but he was starting to realize he was protecting himself more. That his fear and anger had caused him to push him into that dark place in head and the only way he ever saw the light of day was in the moments when he wasn’t holding that damn door shut on him.

Bucky himself remembered being locked away in the cell they’d kept him in. Or being put away in the cryo-chamber and left there. Only let out when they needed him. How lonely and frightening that inky blackness had been. And now he’d done the same thing to a part of himself.  It made him feel conflicted internally.

He barely heard Steve come in, he was so lost in his own thoughts, until he felt the bed move and the ice pack pressed to his head, causing him to sigh in relief. “Thanks punk.” He said in a thoughtful voice as he took the water bottle and pills and downed them.

“Anytime jerk.” Steve said just as softly, nuzzling his neck a little causing Bucky to shiver at the feel of his whiskers. “Stop pushing yourself so hard okay?” He felt him smile against his neck. “You’re gonna force me to take care of you again.”

Bucky smiled himself, feeling better already, although still exhausted. “I don’t think I have to force you Captain.”

He felt Steve take his hand and put it on the ice-pack and then run his own hand over Bucky’s waist, pulling the t-shirt he was wearing up a little to start caressing his bare skin. Bucky sighed, the feel of his hand causing his eyes to flutter closed.

“Damn straight.” Steve whispered in his ear. “I’ll always take care of you sweetheart.”

Bucky felt his lips on his neck while his hand did that slow caress, steadily pushing more of the t-shirt up, rubbing and kneading his abs softly. It was loosening him up, making him want to talk. To confess his thoughts.

“I saw him.” He said finally, looking up at the ceiling. “In the mirror.”

Steve looked up, his hand resting on Bucky’s stomach. “You did?” He asked, watching him carefully.

“I know it sounds nuts but..” He said before pausing to collect himself. “But it was him… just like in the painting and I felt like…”

“Felt like what?” Steve asked, his fingers moving comfortingly on his stomach. “Tell me.”

His eyes darted around, looking for the right words to describe the strange mixture of feelings he’d had. That sense of loss and abandonment in the Soldier, to go along with the fear and the anger he’d felt in himself. It had confused him and was still messing with him now because he was starting to put it together he realized.

“Like I abandoned him.” He said finally, locking his eyes back onto Steve’s. “Stuff him away in my head the way they did.. when they used to stuff me in a hole or that.. tube.” He pinched his face in confusion. “Only I’m doing it to myself and I just.. I don’t get it.”

Steve leaned on his elbow right next to Bucky’s head, the hand of that arm brushing his hair again. He looked as if he understood what he was talking about.

“I think you’re just all messed up right now.” Steve told him, brushing his lips over his. “You need to give your head a rest Buck.” He felt his fingers snake over his chest, pushing the shirt up further. “You’ve had a long week.”

Bucky looked up at him, biting his lip. “I gotta figure this out Steve.”

“Not right now you don’t’.” He whispered, his face an inch away. “No more thinking.”

“But Steve I-.”

He didn’t get to finish because his lips were taken in a kiss that effectively cut off his thoughts. Bucky absently put the ice pack aside and wrapped his hand around the back of Steve’s neck, accepting the interruption in his thought process. He felt both of Steve’s hand slide down his side and pull that offending shirt over his head, briefly pulling their lips apart to do it.

“Just relax my love.” Steve whispered as he lips ran over his neck. “Let me take care of you.”

Bucky’s eyes fluttered as he felt Steve’s hands snag on his pajama bottoms, sliding them down his hips. All confusion clearing away at the feel of his hands and lips working their magic on his body and he let himself relax into it, resting his tired mind for the time being.

\--

Steve smiled as he watched Arya scamper off, sensing her daddies wanted time alone. She was a very intuitive little thing sometimes. He then pressed his lisp into Bucky’s stomach and scattered a few love bits on his skin, causing him to moan a little, his metal fingers sliding to Steve’s hair and he loved that feeling.

He had been so stressed lately, and the pseudo-seizure he’d had earlier was just a sign of it. He was overstressing his mind Steve knew it, the doctors had warned him about this. About pushing himself too hard. That he had to let his mind take its normal course, because it was fixing itself at a pace that allowed Bucky to adjust and he couldn’t push it any harder.

And he knew for a fact that the seizures were what gave the Soldier the opportunity to come out. Because sometimes he’s go weeks without seeing him, and then sometimes it happened every day for a week. He was pretty sure the sensors he was wearing, that they both occasionally forgot about because they were so unobtrusive, would confirm this when they checked back in with the doctor a week from now. He hoped it would, so that Bucky would realize that he couldn’t push himself. Because he knew he’d keep trying, especially with the new information he’d gotten lately.

And there was the start of the deep intensive therapy tomorrow as well. He wanted Bucky to relax right now, to give himself a rest, because it was about to get rougher on him he knew.

“I don’t want you think about anything but this okay?” He told Bucky, his hands on his hips as he rested his chin on his stomach. “Just let it all go sweetheart.”  

“Alright punk.” He heard him purr, those metal fingers pulling his hair a little tighter. “If you insist.”

Steve smiled and gently turned him over onto his stomach, seeing Bucky wrap his arms around the pillow, laying his head to the side. He slid his hands up his sides and leaned over him, putting his lips to his ear, nuzzling it with his lips.

“You are so beautiful. “ He whispered to him, letting his hands slide over his hips and massaging them gently. “Every part of you…”

“You say that all the damn time.” Bucky mused, smiling into the pillow. “You’re like a damn broken record punk.”

“Well..” He replied, trailing his lips over his shoulder where the metal met the skin. “If you’d just accept it I wouldn’t have to keep telling you jerk.” He moved his thumbs to knead into his ass a little, eliciting a moan. “But you gotta be stubborn like that.”

“Well I can’t make it easy on you Rogers.” Bucky purred, his voice getting breathless. “That wouldn’t be any fun.”

He could hear the mirth in his voice and was glad for it, considering earlier and all. He could see a sea change in him over the last few months, where he was accepting, and even starting to eat up the praise. Whereas before he openly rejected it, constantly putting himself down. Steve knew he may never fully accept himself, but he was a least willing to entertain the idea of being worth something.  It was sign of how far he’d come, and Steve couldn’t be prouder of that.

“Well you know me..” Steve told him, giving him a soft bite on his shoulder. “I like a challenge.”

His hand slid over one of his cheeks and parted them gently, inserting a finger into and he felt him gasp, his legs sliding open a little a more. Steve continued to lavish attention on his back while sliding in a second on to open him a little more and he heard him moan, his body rising a little off the bed. And Steve used his other hand to gently hold him down

“Relax gorgeous.” He told him, leaning over to speak in his ear. “We got a long way to go.”

Bucky moaned, those luscious lips of his curling into a smile. “That a promise punk?”

“Uh hun.” Steve told him, sliding another finger in and opening him further eliciting a louder moan. “So enjoy yourself.”

He loved the way Bucky’s legs sort bent up at the knees as they moved further apart. The way he clutched the pillow and buried his face in it. The sweet moans and whimpers that made their way down to Steve’s waiting ears as he stroked him inside. He loved making him feel this good. Letting him forget for a while that he had ever been hurt. That he’d ever suffered. That in spite of everything that was wrong with him he was loved and cherished and safe.

After pleasuring him with his fingers he brought his lips and tongue to the same place and drove him even more crazy, his hands pulling him closer to devour him until he was begging for relief, biting into the pillow and pushing back against him until he finally came hard, moaning thickly into the pillow.

Releasing him Steve crawled back up his body and pulled his back against his chest, laying them both on their sides. He nuzzled Bucky’s damp neck softly as he held him close, giving him time to rest and re-orientate himself. He pressed his hand into Bucky’s stomach and let the one underneath his head wrap around his forehead, just holding him like that.

“How’s your headache?” He whispered in his ear, his lips just below the tiny sensor on his head.

“What headache?” Bucky answered, his voice sounding breathless. “I don’t feel a thing.”

“Good.” Steve replied, smiling into his already mussed brown hair.

“You’re the best pain-killer there is Rogers.” Bucky mused, his fingers entwining with Steve’s. “Should bottle you.. we’d make a damn fortune.”

Steve chuckled against his neck. “This drug is only prescribed to you jerk.” He purred into his ear.

“Such is my good fortune then.”

Steve used his hand to turn Bucky’s face to his and kissed him deeply just like that, tasting those beautiful lips. He used his other hand to pull him tighter against him, knowing he could feel him up against his ass and heard him moan softly into his mouth in response.

Wrapping his leg around Bucky’s hip, he let himself effortlessly slide into him, their lips still locked together, their fingers interlocked across Bucky’s stomach. It was slow and sweet and perfect just like that.

“I love you so much.” He breathed into Bucky’s ear after releasing his lips.

He then lost himself in the feel of being inside him, in the taste of his skin under his lips and sound of his moans echoing in his ears. And the sweet sound of his voice reciprocating that love so perfectly. “I .. love you too.. punk..” He moaned and Steve buried his face in that beautiful hair of his and let himself drown in the feeling of loving him. Right down to his soul.

\--

Bucky lay awake a little longer, wrapped up in Steve’s arms from behind, feeling relaxed and exhausted in a much better way than earlier. Steve’s face was buried in his hair and Bucky was not exactly sure how he was breathing like that, but he was. Enough to snore a little. Which was music to Bucky’s ears.

He shifted slightly, feeling that pleasantness as he did so and smiled to himself, thinking it did not get much better than this.

Arya had joined them, laying curled up right next to where Steve’s hand rested on Bucky’s stomach, under Bucky’s metal arm as usual. And once again he felt that sense of home and it allowed him to drift into sleep in spite his attempts to stay awake a little longer. His body had other plans it seemed.

He had a dream as he slept, not a terrifying one for once but disquieting.

In it he was in the hallway in his mind again, a line of doors leading to dark areas with terrifying things inside. He heard the sounds again, the boots, the words, the screams.. And of course there was the sound of him, that old mechanical arm appearing out of the darkness first, the star plainly showing before the Winter Soldier fully appeared in front of him from the shadows. Frightening and haunting at the same time.

A little bit of low light flickered under one of the doors and there was the smell of blood. He wanted to retreat but held his ground.

“Soldier?” he asked, his voice speaking Russian like it was second nature.

They stood face to face, close enough to touch and it was like looking in a mirror, like a reflection that was only slightly distorted by the lack of light in this place. But even with that lack of light the eyes and the star stood out, like they first had in his painting. It was eerie and now silent, all the other noises stopping, the silence hanging in the air.

There was blood on his face, a single smear under his cool eyes. And what looked like a welt on his face, most likely from being struck. His eyes had that red-rimmed look of someone who hadn’t slept much and Bucky felt a familiarity in this. A feeling of déjà vu.

“I’m sorry.” He head himself say. “I left you here.”

“We are both in here.” The Soldier said in that emotionless voice. “We are both trapped.”

The camphone of noise started up again, impending danger and Bucky felt terror rise in him, expecting it to come any minute to claim him again. And then the Soldier pushed him back, his eyes telling him to go now. And the noises got louder and closer. And he turned and ran..

And then he started awake, the echoes of the screams and hisses of electricity. The boots on the concrete still echoing in his ears and for a moment he almost panicked, feeling a flight complex rise in him.. And then felt Steve’s arm around him, and Arya’s little body curled up next to him and felt intense relief. He was home. He was safe.

But the Soldier wasn’t he knew. He was still there, locked up in that dark place. And he’d protected him. He’d always protected him, and he had locked him up. Out of anger and fear and he felt terrible. He’d left that part of himself to deal with it and it tore him up inside.

Unable to go right back to sleep he reached for his notebook on the bed-stand and pulled the pen out, writing it down like Amelia had told him to. The dream, his feelings, everything. Steve must’ve felt the movement because he stirred behind him.

“Buck?” He asked sleepily, his arm tightening around him. “Are you okay?”

“No.” Bucky said, too raw to not be honest, pausing in his writing. “But I will be.” He squeezed his eyes shut, fighting back his tears, which were threatening to blur his vision. “We both will be.”

He felt Steve nuzzle his neck and slide his leg more over Bucky’s, wrapping him up even tighter, surrounding him with his strength and warmth. “Yes you will.” He told him, his lips right next to his ear. “It’s gonna be okay.”

Bucky closed his eyes and put his notebook away again. Feeling safely wrapped up he started to fall back to sleep slowly, sandwiched between Steve and Arya, his mind still in turmoil but knowing he was starting to fix this. To right another wrong he’d committed, at least in his own head. And when he fell asleep this time, there were no dreams he remembered.

\--

“Hey gorgeous?” Steve asked Bucky as he sat at the table, seemingly studying something he wrote. “You alright?”

Bucky looked up at him, his hair tied bac from his gorgeous blue eyes, chewing on the end of the pen he was holding absently. “Yeah why?”

“It’s just you’ve usually inhaled your breakfast by now.” He observed, brushing that errant strand away from eyes out of habit. “You nervous?”

“Yeah I little I guess.”

Steve could see the subtle bite of his lip and slight furrow of his brow as if he was trying to contain himself. His foot, clad in those ridiculously adorable bunny slippers, tapped on the floor lightly. He was a bundle of nerves it seemed.

He raised his eyebrow. “Just a little?”

“Okay a lot.” Bucky admitted, putting the pen and notebook down and picking at his breakfast. “I had a dream last night.” He ran his fingers through his hair nervously. “It’s messing with me a bit.”

“Wanna talk about it?” Steve offered, turning to him in his chair. “It might help.”

Bucky nodded, taking a deep breath as if trying figure out what to say here. Steve was just glad he’d agreed to do it. He never liked to talk about his dreams, and Steve could understand why, most of them were not pleasant. This one seemed to bother him on different level and was curious as to what it was it was.

“I was in this dark corridor and.. there were a bunch of doors and I could hear noises coming from behind them.” He explained, flicking his eyes down to the right as if trying to find the memory. “I could hear.. the words… those boots and… screaming..  and there was a light blinking under one of them..” He saw a tremble in his body at that. “And then… the Winter Soldier came out of the dark was standing in front of me like he was.. guarding it.” He looked back up at Steve, his eyes pained. “I think he lives there.”

Steve took his hand and squeezed. “Why do you think that?” He asked softly, careful not to trip any land-mines.

“Because I think that’s where I put him.” Bucky said absently, a hint of pain in his voice. “I think I put him with all the other dark things… to punish him.” Bucky’s eyes seemed to shine a little as fighting back emotion. “He never sees the light Steve he just.. lives in the dark.”

Steve understood the symbolism in this, even if Bucky didn’t quite get it. Or maybe he did because of the clear emotion in his eyes at recalling this. One of those emotions seemed to be a bizarre form of guilt and remorse for doing this to himself basically. Because it was essentially what he was doing, punishing himself by shunning that part of him, holding it in a dark place in his mind until it found its way in the deep watches of the night. When his grip was the loosest due to either seizures or a deep sleep. And he was clearly beating himself up over it inside, inflicting more punishment on his already bruised psyche.

He wrapped his hand around the back of Bucky’s head and pulled it against his, seeing him sigh heavily and close his eyes. “God I’m such a mess.” He mused, sounding tired.

“Maybe.” Steve told him, his thumb brushing his cheek. “But you’re a beautiful mess.”

“You’re so damn corny punk.” Bucky replied with a little chuckle, rolling his eyes.

“Just admit you love it jerk.” Steve told him, smiling as he nuzzled his nose against Bucky’s. “Cause I know you do.”

Bucky sighed dramatically. “Yeah I do.” He told him, letting his lips brush over Steve’s “Damned if I know why sometimes.”

He tangled his fingers into Bucky’s ponytail and pulled his lips to his, kissing him softly at first, tasting the cinnamon on his lips from the toast he’d eaten about half of. It slowly got deeper and more urgent like it always did and he pulled Bucky onto his lap, letting his legs hang over either side of him. He bunched Bucky’s hair a little in his fingers as their tongues wrestled softly together. Bucky’s lips curved into a smile at the feel of this and it just went on for a while, neither of them in any hurry to come up for air.

When they did finally break apart, Bucky laid his forehead back against Steve’s, his breathing ragged, face flushed, his arms looped around Steve’s neck. Once again Steve brushed back some of the gorgeous brown hair that had fallen out of his ponytail into his face again before letting his thumb brush over those swollen, well-kissed lips of his.

“Thanks punk.” He whispered, his voice breathless.

“For what?”

Bucky smiled softly. “For just being you.”

“Your welcome jerk.” He replied, letting his hand snake thorough his hair again. “I love you.” He lifted his lips and kissed his forehead, feeling him take a shuddering breath. “Never forget that okay?”

“How can I?” Bucky asked, a soft smile on his face. “You tell me every day idiot.”

“Because you deserve to hear it jerk.” He told him, looking into his eyes. “And I never want you to stop knowing that ever.”

He saw him bite his lip, seeing the emotion in his blue eyes again, and watched as he leaned his against Steve’s again. “I love you too.” He whispered to him, his voice cracking a little. “So fucking much.”

They just sat there like that for a moment, burying his face in Steve’s shoulder and letting himself relax before Amelia came over and the hard work started. Steve was perfectly willing to let him sit like th at, rubbing his back and brushing his hair and providing him with support for the time being.

Later on when Amelia arrived at the house they set up in the art studio, which was a room Bucky felt comfortable in. It was more private than the living room and but less personal than the bedroom which struck that Goldilocks middle ground of ‘just right’.  There were chairs and a couch and they were able to set up. Arya even joined them, sitting on the large windowsill in the sun, a comforting presence in the room as well.

“I’m going to record this. “Amelia informed them and seeing Bucky’s slight twitch at this she explained. “It’s strictly for therapy purposes and will not be seen by anyone but me and you okay?” She showed him the unobtrusive camera. “It will help us to understand what we are dealing with and allow me to report accurately to your doctor and the neurologist so they can correlate the brain function during this time.”

Bucky nodded, sitting on the couch next to Steve “Okay.”

“Steve is staying here with us, because he is the only who had directly interacted with this other part of your mind. At least recently.” Amelia added, taking the chair next to the couch. “From what I understand from what Bucky has told me, the Soldier seems to trust you so you will do most of the interacting with him. There are no set questions or any guidelines. This is an observing session to get the parameters in order to move forward on this phase okay?”

“So how do we do this?” Steve asked, seeing as how Bucky seemed to be still settling himself.

“The truth is that is no set way to deal with something like this, the best method I can think is to put him to sleep consciously through hypnosis which provide a door into that part of his mind.” She informed them, situating herself as well. “Now Bucky you told me you actually were able to do this on your own so that alone tells me this might work.”

Steve remembered the toll it had taken on Bucky just to do that on his own and was a bit concerned. “It’s not gonna hurt him is it?” Steve asked, because Bucky still seemed lost in his own head. “Because he didn’t do so well after that.”

Amelia seemed to understand Steve’s concern about this. “We will be putting him into a very relaxed state so he should be okay, but he’ll need some rest afterward of course.”

“It’s alright Steve.” Bucky said finally. “I’ll be alright.”

“Okay then.” She said, smiling softly at both of them. “I think we are ready to begin.” She leaned forward, seemingly wanting to say something directly to Bucky. “I want you to know that since it’s your subconscious mind, you might see some difficult things that are unfiltered. These things can’t hurt you, and if you are too distressed we can take you out okay?”

“Okay.” Bucky replied quietly, nodding gratefully.

“Alright I want you to lay back against the couch and close your eyes.” She told him, her voice getting softer and even more comforting than it already was. “You can keep some kind of contact with Steve if you need to, but just listen to my voice okay.”

Bucky did just that, laying head against a cushion on the arm of the couch, his lower legs across Steve’s lap. Steve put his hands on them, rubbing the knee and calves softly, and felt Bucky’s hand, the flesh one, snake into his. He squeezed it gently, comforting him.

“Okay I want you to relax your mind and think of something that makes you feel safe. A pleasant memory that has nothing to do with any of these other things and I want you concentrate on that and my voice. “ She said in that same relaxing tone. “I’m going to start counting backwards and I want you to concentrate on that and my voice. And when I get to one we should be inside.”

Steve watched Bucky seemed to start to fall asleep, the fact that he was tired probably helped this along. His hand rested loosely in Steve’s and he could feel his body relax as well. By the time she finished counting he seemed to be deep in it, his respiration slow and steady.

“Bucky can you hear me?” She asked him. “If you can squeeze Steve’s hand.”

There was a pause for a moment, and he felt his hand being squeezed gently. “I can hear you.”

“Where are you right now?”

“I’m in the hallway.” Bucky answered, his voice sounding almost monotone. “Its dark.. but there’s some light.. under one of the doors.” He seemed to tense a little. “It’s… flickering..”

“It’s okay, we don’t have to go in there right now.” She reassured him, and Steve squeezed his hand a little more. “But we need to find him alright? Can you do that.”

Bucky nodded, his face pinched. “I don’t like it here though.”

“I got you Buck.” Steve said softly, not sure if he could hear him or not but needing to say it. “It’s okay.”

He was relieved that Bucky seemed to squeeze his hand as if in response. And then a spoke a word in Russian that Steve understood. “Soldier?” He asked seeming as if summoning him.

He could see Bucky tensing even more, most likely seeing or hearing unpleasant things Steve could only imagine. He kept both points of contact with his hand and his leg, comforting him through it as he searched his mind for the other that lived there.

Finally he seemed to still. “He’s here.” Bucky said his hand flexing in Steve’s.

A shudder seemed to go through his body and his eyes opened, looking up at the ceiling briefly before fixing on Steve. He recognized the look immediately and looked up at Amelia nodding to her that he was here now. He leaned over, taking both his hands, restraining him slightly just in case, and keeping his attention on him for a moment.

“Soldier?” He said softly. “It’s alright.”

Steve watched his eyes flick fearfully to the other in the room. Steve kept a firm grip on him and drew his attention back to him.

“It’s alright.” He reassured him. “She’s not gonna hurt us.” He released the flesh hand, the less dangerous one and touched his face softly. “She’s hear to help Bucky okay?” He let his hand linger on his face, holding to him as he leaned over him. “You trust me right?”

The Soldier looked at him, his eyes showing a little too much white for Steve’s liking, but he seemed to relax a little. But Steve did not dare let go of that arm yet, not until he was sure it was safe to do so.

“You won’t let her give us the blue light.” The Soldier asked, his eyes flicking back and forth.

“Never.” He reassured him again. “No ones gonna hurt you okay?” He kept his hand gently and firmly on his face. “I promise.”

“Because you love us.”

“Yes.” He answered, seeing Amelia smile at this out of the corner of his eye. “I do very much.”

The Soldiers eyes stayed on Steve for a moment before flicking back to Amelia, still a little suspiciously but not as much as before. There was also confusion in them as he blinked against the light, as if not used to daylight and Steve supposed he wasn’t.

“Tell me where Bucky is right now.” Steve asked carefully getting his attention back. “Where did he go?”

The Soldier looked at him steadily. “He went to the safe place.” He answered. “Away from the dark. Where the sky lights up.” He focused on Steve intently. “He goes there when he’s scared.”

Steve turned it in his mind, the phrase ‘where the sky lights up’ ringing a tine bell in his mind. It sounded familiar to him. And wherever it was, Bucky seemed to find it as a refuge from the things that hurt him. He was glad he had that. A memory that wasn’t touched by the horrors he’d experienced. He was grateful for this information.

He looked over at Amelia questioningly as if seeing if she wanted to ask anything. She nodded to him to continue talking to him for now because he hadn’t quite accepted her presence yet. So he did.

“We need to talk more about Bucky okay?” Steve said to him, keeping the Soldier’s focus on him. “So we can help him.” He let his hand rest lightly on the side of his face. “Will you help me do that?”

The Soldier seemed to coolly assess him again before softening a bit, relaxing his posture. “Yes.” He answered finally.

Steve looked up at Amelia and nodded. “I think he’s ready now.”

And they got started. Stepping forward into that troubled, yet beautiful mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so, some thoughts here..
> 
> Steve revealing the complicated relationship between him and WS was very important for a number of reasons, the biggest one being to show Bucky what Steve has been dealing with for so long. To sort of smack him out of this weird denial he was in about it. Nothing will motivate Bucky more than protecting Steve and its what pushes him into finally dealing with his part of his illness directly. 
> 
> Steve sort of epitomizes to me the toll mental illness can take on people who are constantly around a loved one suffering from it and have to witness it all. It's very important to address that aspect with Steve and if you've noticed, Bucky hasn't missed it. He has been concerned constantly about the effect it has on Steve and so to know this information, as painful as it was to hear, was very important. 
> 
> Once could understand how Steve could be very confused in this situation sometimes but he is balancing those feeling well by knowing where the lines are here. By understanding just vulnerable Bucky really is in that state of mind. But one could imagine what it would be like see someone you love acting like that and the complicated emotions involved in this whole thing. 
> 
> Bucky's attempts to sort of contact him directly did result in exhaustion that comes from over-using our minds. The brain is a muscle after all and you can strain it. I would imagine going that deep into your own head would take a toll so it was portrayed that way. And it allowed Bucky to start seeing WS in a different way, and start to analyze his feeling about him and the things he did as him so its another step for him. 
> 
> And I do like symbolism as you can see, the vision of the dark corridor is sort of the way I'd picture the dark part of a troubled persons mind, and why Bucky keeps the Soldier there too. 
> 
> The therapy is only really just starting for this and the best way possible, like Amelia says, is to get Bucky into a relaxed state of unconciousness similar to the state his seizures put him in, where certain parts of his mind shut down while its doing repairs. Bucky's brain is very unusual, as things were done to it (without his consent mind you) but it's fascinating as well, and the therapy along with the brain study show very interesting results going forward. 
> 
> The next chapter, currently untitled, is heavy in places as it will delving deeper in our boys very interesting mind so be ready for that. But I will also tell you Steve's birthday is coming up soon as well, and that will give our boys a nice break that they very much deserve as well. 
> 
> One again thanks to my readers for their lovely comments it helps me mold this story to see your thoughts on it, sometimes give a fresh perspective so thank you all :)


	28. The Safe Place

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> moodboeard for this fic (chpater 10 and up) are located here: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/frickss75

The Winter Soldier was still mistrustful of the woman to some degree, even though she did seem harmless. He was just naturally suspicious of people, knowing that even when someone looked harmless, they weren’t always. He had a lot experience with that unfortunately. But if Steve was okay with her then maybe it was okay.  And searching his memory he saw that Bucky knew her and seemed to trust her as well, so he relaxed a little.

But not completely, it was not in his nature to let his guard completely down.

“Bucky said he kept you live in a certain place where is that?” He heard the woman ask, and he looked at Steve for a moment, seeing him nod, and then answer this question.

“In the dark place.”

“What’s in there?”

The Soldier looked at her, narrowing his eyes a little as if this was a silly question. “Bad things.” He replied, sitting up a little more. “Bucky doesn’t like it there.”

“Why do you think he keeps you there then?” The woman asked him. “In a place he doesn’t like?”

The Soldier searched himself for an answer, he was still getting used to being asked things like this. He didn’t contemplate himself too much. But Steve had changed that to some degree and had given him free reign to talk and it had surprised him how willing he was do it. After all that time just being told to do things, to follow orders without question and simply being a weapon, being treated this way still surprised him. So naturally it took him a long time to find the answer in his head for this particular question.

It was the feeling he sensed in Bucky when he’d contacted him, which had surprised the Soldier because Bucky rarely engaged with him at all. He had sensed a couple different emotions, two he recognized. And a new one he was trying figure out.

“Because he’s scared and angry.” He answered, looking at Steve, not her. As if talking to him directly. “And something else.”

“What else?”

The Soldier scrunched his face a little, not knowing how to describe that other feeling. The feeling that Bucky felt… bad now. He could not find the word for it, but didn’t want to get the question wrong. They always punished him when he got the question wrong. Another reason he didn’t always know how to answer them.

“Upset?.” Was his answer, and it didn’t seem to be the wrong one.

“What about you?” The woman asked him. “How do you feel about being kept there?”

The Soldier looked at her, even more confused by this question. “Feel?” He said out loud like a question. Because it was.

“You say you ‘love’ Steve.” She seemed to explain in a nice way. “Love is a feeling. Do you understand?” He nodded at her slowly, this had been a new thing for him. “So how to you feel?”

The Soldier thought about it, searching their combined memory to find the feelings he felt, especially recently. He found a memory, of being locked in a room, a terrible room and the feelings that were attached to it. Those feelings had names too and he found them, pulling them out.

“Sad? Lonely?” He said, questioningly again, wondering if he got it right.

He saw a pinched look of pain on Steve’s like that other time, when he looked like he was hurt but there was nothing physically wrong. This caused the Soldier to want to make him feel better and he put his hand on Steve’s face, almost tentatively.

“It’s okay.” Steve said to him, putting his own hand over the Soldier’s. “I’m alright.”

The Soldier felt that feeling. The one called love, again and then felt another one as well. The feeling of not wanting to go back to that place again. He wanted to stay here, where it was light and where Steve was. He wanted this badly, now that he was being allowed to want things.

“I want to stay here.” He said out loud. “But I have to go back there. Where its dark.”

He saw that look on Steve’s face again, he was starting to recognize it now. It was that different kind of pain, from being sad. It made him feel the same way. He was still very much getting used to these feelings and it made him somewhat tired.

“Someday you won’t have to.” He heard Steve say, putting his hand on the Soldier’s face. “I promise.”

There was a feeling of warmth that went through him at that, he recognized this feeling because Bucky felt it a lot and it was shared by both of them. It made him feel he could rest.

“I’m tired.” He said, his eyes closing. “Sleep?”

“Yes you can sleep.” Steve said to him. “It’s alright.”

The Soldier found himself leaning into Steve’s arms and letting him put his arms around him. This felt good. It felt safe. No one had ever done tins when he slept, before he’d finally met Steve that was. The one that Bucky had thought of constantly in his darkest moments, and the Soldier understood why he did now. Because Steve was good. Steve was safe. Steve didn’t hurt them.

“We love Steve.” He said out loud as he felt himself slide away from that nice light again. “We do.”

When he was back into the dark, he did with the knowledge that someday he might be let out of it. That was sometime he could share it with Bucky, but for now this knowledge had to do.

\--

Steve felt him lean against and seemingly fall asleep. He kept his arms around him and rested his chin on his head, looking at Amelia, wondering what she’d made of all this. It didn’t seem like the Winter Soldier had said a lot but she had seemed to write down a lot of things he was curious as what she thought, as he held him, feeling that sadness that he really knew was Bucky’s buried sense of abandonment and loneliness.

He waited for Amelia to pause the camera before asking her. .

“So what do you think about this?” He asked, softly stroking his hair.  

“I can’t tell you everything I think about it because that’s part of Bucky’s personal therapy.” She told him, watching him hold Bucky, who seemed to be still be sleeping. “But I can tell you I did learn a lot.”

“Really?” Steve asked, a little confused. “It didn’t seem like he said a lot.”

“He didn’t have to.” She explained. “A lot of what we do is observing and seeing how people answer questions and their body language. It tells you a lot about you as a person and what’s going on internally.”

“What did it tell you about the Winter Soldier?”

“It tells me he’s a reflection of all things Bucky went through.” She went on to explain. “It tells me that he doesn’t understand what he feels he just knows he feels it, because Bucky feels it, if that makes any sense.” She put her pen and notebook down and looked at Steve. “It’s why I asked the questions I asked. It tells me a lot about how he thinks, and by proxy how Bucky thinks.”

“Is it fixable?”

“Yes it is.” She told him reassuringly. “The break in his mind is healing itself, the very fact that Winter Soldier can access Bucky’s emotions and memories is a sign that they are connected even more now.” She leaned a little more in her chair. “That part of him was cut off from that but since his brain has had the time to heal those synapses, they are starting to come together more. Right now it’s more about the psychological aspects because the physical ones are taking care of themselves.”

Steve looked down at Bucky, who was still sleeping in his arms. “How long will it take?”

“There’s no set timetable.” She told him. “They’ve been separated for a long time, the Winter Soldier part has formed its own identity and sense of self so, no matter how willing he may be to help,  absorbing him could be difficult to do, especially when there is still some resistance from Bucky himself.” She smiled at Steve comfortingly. “I’ll work on that with him in between these, and hopefully we can get him there.”

“What can I do?” He asked, looking down at Bucky again.

“Just keep doing what you’re doing.” She told him, putting her hand on his. “Because trust me, your love and support is doing wonders for him.” She patted that hand with her other hand. “And take care of yourself too alright? Don’t forget that.”

“Thank you.” He said, feeling a bit relieved to have this small conversation with her.

“I’m going to turn the camera back on and wake him up okay?”

Steve nodded and kept his arm around Bucky, whose head was on his shoulder. He had no idea how it had gotten there to be honest but that was fine. If Bucky woke up like that it was perfectly fine.

“Okay Bucky.” Amelia said softly. “I’m going to wake up you up now okay?”

Bucky stirred slightly in Steve’s arms. “Okay.” He mumbled in that sleepy voice Steve. “This punk hasn’t been talking about me has he?”

Steve kissed his head, chuckling a bit. “So what if I have jerk.”

“He’s kind of an idiot but I love him.” Bucky added, smiling in this weird, not quite awake state he was in. “Can’t help it.”

Amelia smiled at this exchange and told him. “I’m going to start counting down now, when I get to oneyou’ll be awake alright.”

“Okay.”

Steve listened as she counted down to zero and then saw Bucky’s eyes flutter open on his shoulder. He lifted his head and looked around, a little confused as how he got in this position. And looked a little embarrassed when he remembered his therapist was there too. But then settled, knowing it was perfectly fine.

“Hey there gorgeous.” Steve told him, brushing his hair a little. “Welcome back.”

Bucky smiled at that and then got a questioning look on his face. “Did it work?” He asked, looking back and forth at both of them. “Did he come out.”

“Yes he did.” Amelia answered. “You did very well, both of you.”

“What did he say?”

“A lot actually.” She told him, taking his hand now. “We’ll discuss it in our next session. Because it was very enlightening.” She focused on Bucky intently. “Right now I want to know how you feel.”

“Like I always do when he comes out.” Bucky said with a pinched look on his face. “Like I missed something important.” He seemed to think a little more and added. “But it feels like it’s closer now. Like I can.. almost remember.”

“And how does that make you feel?” She asked him.

“Relieved.” Bucky said, letting out a breath. “Like I’m getting there.”

“That’s very good.” She told him, squeezing his hand. “We’ll go over the tape and we’ll continue this in our next session okay?”

“Sounds good.”

“Now I’m going to get out of here and give you two some time alone.” She told them, giving them both a soft smile. “And I want you both to relax and get some rest.”

She got her stuff together and Steve watched as Bucky got up and went over to where Arya had been sleeping the whole time and picked her up, watching as she planted her paws on his shoulders and rubbed her face against his. He walked her over to Amelia to formally introduce her.

“This is the queen of the house by the way.” He told her, smiling proudly. “She’s a bit spoiled.”

“Hello there.” Amelia said with her usual soft tone and petted Arya, who just ate up the attention. “You take good care of your daddies okay?”

Once they saw her out, Bucky stood there leaning against the counter with Arya still in his arms. He did look tired but at least relieved that he’d gotten this part of it done. Steve took a moment to take it in, the way she sat on his metal arm and seemed to snuggle against his chest. The soft smile on his face as he petted her, seeing peace in those stormy blue eyes as he nuzzled the top her sweet little head and kissed it. It was such a lovely picture that he wanted to commit to memory.

He walked over and put his hands on Bucky’s face, bushing that brown hair of his away from it before kissing his head softly. He felt a slight tremble go through him at this, as if he was letting out the tension he’d been feeling all day.

“How are you feeling?” He asked, rubbing his shoulder, his lips still pressed against his forehead.

“I don’t know.” Bucky replied, looking down Arya. “I mean I don’t even know what happened so..” He sighed heavily. “I didn’t do anything too weird did I?”

“Depends on what you mean by weird.” Steve teased. “I mean the threshold is pretty high for that.”

Bucky gave a playful shove. “Get bent punk.” He said with a chuckle. “You know what I mean.”

“You didn’t do anything bad jerk don’t’ worry.” Steve reassured him, giving him another kiss on the kiss. “In fact it went pretty good considering.”

Bucky looked doubtful. “It did?”

“Yeah it did.” He told him, leaning their heads together. “So don’t worry about it okay?” He brushed his lips over his again. “You’re getting better that’s all that matters.”

He let his hand slide into Bucky’s hair and pulled his lips to his for a soft, sweet kiss. He could feel the little purr coming from the little bundle of fur in Bucky’s arms and smiled into it. Thinking how grateful he was to be even at this point now. There was a time when he didn’t even know he was still alive and then when he knew he was, wasn’t sure if he could get him back. And now here they were. In their house, with their cat, making things work, even if they were a little bent and broken.

Steve pulled his lips away and nuzzled their noses together. “Feel like taking a ride?” He asked, suddenly getting an idea. “Because I was thinking we could take the bike out.”

Bucky’s eyes lit up a little at that. “And go where?”

“Anywhere we want.” Steve replied, putting both his hands on Bucky’s face. “We do have the rest of the day and all and she told us to take it easy so..” He brushed his lips back over Bucky’s. again. “So what do you say gorgeous, feel like hitting the open road?”

Bucky smiled broadly, leaning in more to kiss him again. “I think that’s the best idea you’ve ever had punk.” He whispered right before their lips met again. “I’m game.”

Steve smiled and kissed him a little more thoroughly this time, thinking it was a pretty damn good idea. He felt Bucky lean slightly to let Arya down on the counter where she promptly sat down and started cleaning her paws. And then both his arms were around Steve’s neck and he leaned into it more, seemingly eager for it.

They did eventually tear themselves away from each other to pack themselves a snack and load up the bike. Steve had and interesting idea he was entertaining that he was going to spring on him once they got clear of the city and into the country. Thinking they could find a quiet little place some fun, and blow off a little steam because he could see there was still a bit of a troubled look on his face. His mind still on the session to some degree he knew. But he was trying to put it aside he could tell as well.

In fact he walked up to Steve and handed him his helmet as he was starting the bike up. “If you think I’m gonna let you ride anywhere without this Rogers you got another thing coming.” He sassed him, grabbing his own as well. “Someone’s gotta protect that silly blonde head of yours after all.”

“Some things never change.” Steve said, shaking his head. “You8 gotta stop worrying I got a hard head.

“Damm it punk.” Bucky said, looking serious. “Just humor me okay?” He held it out to him. “Because you mean the world to me.”

He could see the seriousness in his eyes then, and knew the protectiveness wasn’t just habit, but a necessity. That Bucky worried about him just as much as he worried about him. So he smiled softly and put the helmet on, if only to make him feel better about it.

“Ok jerk.” He said to him as he buckled the straps. “You too though.”

Bucky put his on as well, which was a lovely red to match his blue one and climbed on the back of the bike, wrapping his arms around Steve’s waist. “Let’s go.” He heard Buck say right before he turned the key on the bike. “Onward Captain.”

Steve laughed as he revved the bike and drove out of the garage and hit the road. They were just wearing t-shirts because it was a very warm day and the air felt great. He could feel Bucky’s arms around, loosely holding onto him, leaning when he leaned and could even hear him laughing on a few occasions.

It got even better when they got out of the city, away from the traffic and he could really hit the throttle on the bike, speeding down country roads and kicking up dust and generally enjoying themselves. They finally found a nice open area a couple hours outside the city and Steve pulled the bike into what looked like a path through a huge swatch a long grass.

Turning the bike off he shed his helmet, seeing Bucky do the same he dismounted, pulling Bucky off before he even had a chance to dismount. His face looked flushed and he was grinning from ear to ear as he slid his arms around Steve’s back.

“That’s some riding punk.” He said with that ‘fuck me’ look that always reved up Steve’s engines a bit. “Just wait til they let me drive.” His hands slid teasingly into Steve’s back pockets, pulling him closer. “I’ll show you some things.”

The idea of seeing him driving the bike, or one of his own, turned Steve on even further. He knew his lover had mad skills and simply couldn’t wait for that breathtaking sight.

“Oh I’m counting on it jerk.” Steve growled, getting a handful of Bucky’s wind-blown hair. “But right now..”

He took his lips in a hungry kiss, fisting his hair tightly and walking backwards into the high grass. Eventually they tumbled into it, laughing against each other’s lips they lay there tangled on the ground under sky, just letting it all go for now.

\--

He was leaning over Steve, the tall grass all around them blowing in the breeze. Steve’s hands were in the back pockets of Bucky’s jeans and their lips were fastened together in a slow deep kiss under the mid-afternoon sun. He could feel the heat of it through his t-shirt, and the way his hair blew around in this early summer breeze.

They were somewhere in the boonies of New York State, had driven a few hours just to get out here, to have this kind of privacy and still be outside. And Bucky loved it, the sound of nothing but birds and the wind rustling through the tall grass. It was peaceful, perfect. Everything he wanted right now.

“Think we need to get these jeans off.” Steve growled softly against his lips, squeezing Bucky’s ass  a little, causing him to moan.

“So that’s your plan Captain?” Bucky asked, looking down at him with hooded eyes. “To ge me out here and take advantage of me.” He brushed his lips back over Steve’s again, and grinded against him teasingly. “Such a scoundrel.. if people only knew.”

“Well…” Steve purred, trailing his lips over Bucky’s and gripping his ass tighter through his jeans. “Something tells me you wanna be taken advantage of.”

Bucky grinned and caught his lips with his. “You know me so well.” He breathed between kissing him. “Now get em off me punk I ain’t got all day.”

They did but that wasn’t the point really. He saw Steve get that hungry look in his eyes before he yanked Bucky’s jeans and shorts over his hips with a forceful urgency that always turned his insides into much.  He kicked them off without thought, right into the surrounding grass. He didn’t care, he’d find them later. He felt the sun on his bare ass and then Steve’s large hands on it, opening him up and his eyes rolled in his head. Quickly losing coherency he managed to free Steve of his own jeans as well before being pulled onto him. He gripped Steve’s shoulder as he was pulled down onto him, a sharp cry filling the open air as he was suddenly filled and lost all sense of himself.

The grass was high, so high in fact that you could barely see them in it, and they were far enough from the road that occasional passing car wouldn’t even see them. There was no one within miles of them but even if there was Bucky wouldn’t have cared at that moment. Something about being out in the open like this, with the sound of the rustling grass and the birds, the feel of the sun on him and the breeze blowing his hair around as he rode him was just… spectacular.

After the session today and the feelings and worries that came from it, it felt good to let go and be like this. To be himself and express his love like this, in such a beautiful quiet place in the middle of nowhere. He felt so free, so alive at the moment, giving reign to the intensity of his pleasure and releasing the sound of it onto the wind.

He felt Steve’s hand slide up his body and tangle itself into his hair to pull him closer to him. Which of course changed the angle, hitting his nerves perfectly now.  His eyes fluttered shut, low moans escaping him, his thighs griping Steve’s hips even tighter now.

“Open those eyes gorgeous.” He heard purr to him, still gripping his hair. “Let me see them.”

Bucky forced them to stay open as he took every upward thrust, pushing down as he did so. His fingers gripped his shoulders, his knees digging into the soft earth underneath them. He was getting closer by the moment, feeling it rise in him steadily.

“Steve… “ He moaned, his fluttering but staying open for him. “I….”

“I know..” Steve breathed, his other hand on Bucky’s back just about his ass, holding him down. “Just cum for me beautiful..”

The sunlight glinted off the fingers of his metal hand as it flexed into Steve’s shoulder more. And Steve’s fingers in his hair tightened as well, holding him in the position he was in. Bucky whined deep in his throat and pushed back against Steve’s thrusts hungrily, pushing himself harder until it finally happened, his body gave in and everything lit up inside like it always did in that glorious moment.

The world lit up in front of his eyes like the fireworks that night, the ones in his safe place. The memory of that filling his head and enhancing his orgasm, causing a cry that echoed across the field. 

He collapsed into Steve, letting him pull his lips to his and kiss him deeply, their tongues moving languidly together as the shudders still ran through his body sweetly. He was drifting in a lovely headspace again, sighing softly as he was pulled off him and wrapped up in his arms under the sky.

As he was laying there in that state of bliss, he heard a voice in his head that he hadn’t heard in a long time. From someone long dead but whose words had altered his life in a moment of weakness. _It’s not wrong James.._ the words said, in a soft voice. _How you feel isn’t wrong..  It’s the world that’s wrong._

It surprised him to think about that in this moment, but it was there just the same. An echo from the past he hadn’t expected, but for some reason the memory was popping back into his head, and it caused him bury his face in Steve’s neck, smelling him, feeling his arm wrapped around him, hand resting on his bare hip as he lay partially draped over him. He closed his eyes, feeling this memory, one that was full of angst and hope at a time when he was younger and more innocent. When he had different problems than now. Ones that had seemed insurmountable at the time. Just like the ones he had now. He tightened his arm around Steve and nuzzled him a little more.

“What’s on your mind gorgeous.” He heard Steve as they lay there, feeling his hand in hair and lips pressing into his forehead. “You’re kinda quiet.”

Bucky smiled against his shoulder. “Just catching my breath punk.” He teased, not wanting to reveal his thoughts yet. “You kinda wear me out sometimes.”

“I would say I’m sorry about that but..” Steve answered, chuckling, his other hand rubbing Bucky’s hip. “I’m not.”

“Well I’m not complaining.” Bucky told him, lifting his head to rest his chin on Steve’s chest. “Just thinkin’ that’s all.”

“You should stop doing that jerk.” Steve said softly, his fingers brushing some hair aside. “Give that pretty head of yours a rest.”

“I’m tryin’ punk.” He replied, letting his metal fingers trail up and down Steve’s arm. “My brain won’t shut off.” He nuzzled his face against the soft material of Steve’s shirt. “It’s kind of stubborn like that lately.”

“Wanna talk about it?” Steve asked, turning slightly on the ground, letting his hands slide over the exposed parts of Bucky’s skin comfortingly. “Maybe we can get it to calm down.”

Bucky considered it for a moment, thinking it felt so peaceful and quiet here, a nice, safe place to talk a little. Because he was having strange thoughts now. Thinking of hearing that voice at that unusual time. The effect it had to hear it again. Bringing him back to that conflicted moment in his life. Which had led him to that time on the roof. That safe place that he’d kept in his head for when he’d needed it the most. He didn’t know why it was in his head now, why the entirety of the memory had popped into his head now.

Or maybe he did know why.

 _Where the sky lights up.._ he heard the voice of the Winter Soldier say in his head.

“Did he.. I.. say anything weird?” He asked Steve, his face pinching a little. “When I was under I mean?”

“He said a few strange things.” Steve replied, tucking a strand of Bucky’s hair behind his ear. “He usually does…” And then Steve got a funny look on his face as if recalling something. “He did mention something though.”

Bucky got up on his elbow in response to this, feeling a bit uneasy, yet curious. “What did he say?”

“He said you didn’t like the place he lived.” Steve explained, sliding his arm around Bucky’s waist a little more. “And I where I asked where you went he said.. ‘where the sky lights up..” His fingers circled his back softly. “Said you felt safe there.”

The echo of the words the Soldier said in his head, chiming with what Steve had just said made it fall into place pretty quickly. A mental connection akin to when Steve had told him all those years ago _I’m with you til the end of the line.._ words the Soldier had been hearing his head and hadn’t understood until Steve had spoken them to him in that moment. He wondered if anyone truly understood the feeling of piece falling like in that, the way it cleared up confusion and opened new doors to new memories, which weren’t always good but clarifying.

This was different, but no less profound to him now.

“What does that mean Buck?” Steve asked softly, searching his eyes. “Where do you go in those moments.”

Bucky looked at him, feeling strangely protective of this. It’s not like it was a secret, Steve had been there, was a hug part of it, but the rest of the story was. The entirety of the memory, which had resurfaced in his head, was something he’d kept to himself for how long now? 80 years maybe? Bits and pieces of it coming back and forming a story of a core memory that he’d relied on to keep him sane and alive.  And even though it was Steve that was asking, Bucky still had a thing about sharing too much right away. Giving too much away that was personal to him, because they had tried to take it all from him, and he was fiercely protective as a result. Even now.

“I don’t want to.. tell you that right now” He said in a quiet voice, biting his lip a little before continuing. “I just need to.. keep it to myself a little longer if that makes any sense.”

Steve looked like he did, his eyes soft like they always were when Bucky said things like that. “It makes perfect sense Buck.”

Bucky reached up, putting his hands on Steve’s and his face right up against the other man’s, taking a heavy sight. “Ask me again sometime I will tell you the whole damn thing.” He whispered.  “I promise.”  

“Sounds like a good story.” Steve told him, smiling, their lips a mere inch apart. “When you’re ready to tell it I’ll ask.” Bucky felt his hand snake into his hair, causing him to close his eyes. “But until then..”

He was kissed again, and turned over onto his back this time, feeing his body being pressed into the soft ground. Thinking he’d never get the grass stains out of this shirt, but he didn’t care. And all this kiss did was bring back that memory full force in his head, the beauty and pureness of it made him sigh softly into this kiss, holding Steve a little tighter to him, letting him press him more into the ground, feeling his hands on his naked hips, stoking them softly.

“Steve?” He breathed against his lips, just needing to say something anyways. “You were there.” He looked up into his eyes, letting the feeling show through. “In the safe place.”

Those large hands, always so gentle when they needed to be, brushed his hair back from his face. “You’ll always be safe here Buck.” He whispered to him. “I promise.”

He felt his lips smothered in another sweet kiss and sunk himself into again, letting his leg wrap around Steve’s again. Feeling a sense of relief, bringing with it some peace and quiet for his mind as well. And when Steve’s lips were on his neck again, marking it gently he threaded his metal fingers through his blonde hair, other hand in the soft grass and stared up at the blue sky above him. That perfect blue touched with few soft white clouds.

Bucky thought at that moment that it was color of Steve’s eyes. If his were a stormy sea, then Steve’s were the blue sky calm above it. It seemed strangely poetic to him in that moment.

Steve’s lips pressed into his stomach now, pushing his shirt up a little and Bucky’s eyes fluttered closed. “I love you so damn punk.” He breathed into the open air, unable to contain his feelings and even trying to.

“I love you too jerk.” Steve murmured against his stomach. “I always will.”

Bucky smiled, looking up at the sky, hearing the grass rustle in the breeze and lost himself in this feeling of peace for the time being.

\--

Steve was up early that day, and decided to let Bucky sleep in. Very carefully getting out of bed as to not wake him. He was in the midst of a busy week, a couple of appointments with Amelia for his intensive therapy sessions and a doctor’s appointment at the end of it to go over the weekly results of his brain study. He needed all the rest he could get during what he knew was a stressful time for him.

Plus he just looked so adorable right now he did not want to disturb that at all.

He took in the sight almost reverently. He was turned almost on his stomach, his metal arm hugging the pillow, mouth partly open, sleep mussed hair in face. And a purring ball of fluffy black and white fur tucked under the elbow of that metal arm, right where the covers were pooled around his waist. 

Steve just smiled and brushed some of that brown hair of his out of his face and kissed his head just below where one of those sensors was. He saw him twitch slightly but not wake up for which he was glad. The more sleep he got the better these days. The more his mind healed and continued it’s journey back to whole again.

“I love you sleepyhead.” He whispered in his ear. “See you later.”

He gave Arya a little pet on the back and saw her open her pretty green eyes and sleepily look at him. “And you too.” He told the little cat, who strangely seemed to smile at him. “Take care of him okay?”

Arya closed her eyes and tucked her face back under Bucky’s arm and Steve thought his was the most precious thing ever. He simply could not resist taking another picture of it before leaving the room and getting himself out the door.

He had a somewhat busy day too. Meeting Tony for brunch and going to his own therapist as well. And a little shopping as well. Bucky had an appointment that day actually but had told Steve that Wanda had volunteered to take him to and from there, that they were going hang out and Steve was happy for that. 

“We all need our own things punk.” He’d told him yesterday while taking a break from painting what looked like a cityscape to Steve. “Don’t want to get sick of each other right?”

“I’d never get sick of you.” Steve had told him, kissing him on the top of the head as he painted. “I mean look at how perfect you are.”

Bucky laughed and rolled his eyes. “Seriously?” He scoffed, mixing his paints. “You’re just as crazy as me punk.”

“Nah.” He had told him, leaning over and nipping him playfully behind the ear. “Just crazy for you jerk.. can’t help it.”

“Cut it out Rogers.” Bucky had groaned and swatting him with the brush he was currently using, leaving a swath of paint across his cheek. “I’m warning you.”

“What are you gonna do gorgeous?” He teased, grabbing him around the waist again. “Paint me to death?”

Bucky dabbed him against with the brush on the other cheek. “Oh I can do more than that punk.”

Steve had grabbed another brush and a little war had ensued, resulting in both of them wrestling around on the floor, covering each other in paint and laughing hysterically in the process. Steve remembered fondly how Bucky was out of breath from laughing, paint smeared all over him and just kissing him stupid, swallowing that beautiful laughter, feeling his breath hitching against his chest as they made out on the art room floor.

They had a lot to clean up after, but it had been well worth it in his mind.

Just the sheer mirth on Bucky’s face in these moments had made it so. Just how safe he felt now. How determined he was to not let it keep him down anymore. Even if he was in the middle of very intense, very painful therapy.

He was thinking as he was driving to meet Tony, taking the bike because it was another perfect day, how Bucky was doing this. How he was managing in spite of all of it. Settled and more comfortable in his home now. His eyes were clearer and more focused. Working hard on his recovery. Even though parts of it were obviously frightening to him. That he was so strong, stronger than he realized, and he was so proud of him.

Recalling the other day out in the field, they had stayed out there for a while, just relaxing and making love and just enjoying each other’s company so openly. He thought about Bucky’s reluctance to reveal that memory the Winter Soldier had brought up in therapy session. He’d understood why Bucky hadn’t wanted to give it up just yet. That it was personal, and that he’d been so manipulated, had his mind invaded so much that he was still very protective of himself like that. Knowing that even though he knew he could trust Steve he still needed to dot that sometimes. He understood that and hadn’t pushed.

He was protective of him too, even if Bucky didn’t need it all the time, and even got a bit annoyed by it on occasion.

“So how’s things going at Casa Rogers?” Tony asked, stuffing his face with bread. “Still a carnival ride over there or you two finally starting to act your age?”

“You jealous Tony?” Steve asked, amused by the question.

“Not in the way you think Cap.” Tony replied, buttering up some more bread. “I got a very pregnant wife at home and this the most fun I’ve had in a while so fess up.” He stuffed another piece of bread in mouth. “How is Robocop these days?”

“He’s doing good.” Steve informed him as he ate his salad. “Doing some intensive therapy lately.” He took a drink and then added. “And he’s apparently wearing tech made by you on his head to study his brain function.”

Tony looked surprised for a minute, almost dropping his bread. “So he’s the test subject they told me about.” He said in wonder. “Interesting.”

“How much did they tell you?” Steve asked, needing to know how much information was being shared here.

“Nothing of a personal note Rogers.” Tony reassured him. “Just the basics. That it was a good subject and there were some interesting results from it already.” He must’ve seen Steve’s look and explained further. “There was nothing specific, they were just informing me on how my tech was working that’s all.”

“I was a bit leery about it when they suggested it.” Steve confessed, sitting back in his chair a little. “I didn’t want him being experimented on anymore.”

“I get that.” Tony told him, folding his hands with his elbows on the table. “But he’s doing it so you obviously let him.”

“I didn’t let him Tony.” Steve said, pursing his lips a little. “It was his choice and not mine. And he wants to help people, not just himself.” He looked steadily at the other man. “You get that?”

“I understand that Rogers.” Tony said, holding his cocktail in his hand. “I know all about guilt as it relates to charity.”

Steve felt a slight bit defensive with that statement, knowing why Tony might have thought that way. “That’s not the only reason Tony.” He said shortly. “Because he’s a good person too.”

“I know that.” Was Tony’s soft reply to that. “But you’re a fool if you don’t think he feels the need to make up for those things, whether he’s responsible or not.” He took another gulp of his drink. “A lot of the good things I’ve done are sometimes to make up for the tings that were not so good, whether I was directly responsible or not. It’s the same difference either way Cap.”

He knew he was right on. Bucky’s guilt issue was still there. He supposed it always would be a degree. It came out in the way he talked about himself sometimes, even while joking around. He knew that part of Bucky’s motivation for the things he was doing for others was maybe there assuage that guilt a little. He’s said it himself. That maybe all the suffering would be worth it if help someone.

“Yeah I suppose I just can’t help-“

“Protecting him?” Tony finished, taking another drink. “I get it. I know how important he is to you Rogers. I’ve seen it personally.”

Steve nodded, not caring to recall that particular day right now. There was a time and place for that and it wasn’t now. So he happily found a new subject.

“So Pepper not feeding you?” Steve asked with mirth, nodding at Tony’s plate of food.

“It’s the only time I get to eat is when she’s not with me.” He sighed dramatically. “The kid .requires half my dinner too apparently.”

Steve laughed and tried to enjoy the rest of his lunch. Remembering Bucky telling him to relax as well. Listening to Tony just prattling on about what his busy life entailed for a while. Apparently it wasn’t easy being a billionaire superhero sometimes.

\--

Seeing himself as the Winter Soldier again had been surreal and a little painful. To see how separated he was from himself was frightening, even though he knew it wasn’t anywhere near like it used to be. Recalling that awful video he had seen in Siberia. That they’d all seen. The one where he..

He tried to turn his mind away from that for now. One thing at a time as they say.

“He said the emotions he sensed from you were fear and anger.” Amelia once they’d finished watching that video. “What do you think that means?”

He knew what it meant. And knew he had to admit it. “That I’m scared of that part of me.” He answered, and then ran his hands through his hair nervously. “And I’m.. angry at myself.”

“Why are you angry at yourself?”

“Because I.. I let it happen.” He told her, feeling the weight of it loosening a bit. “I gave in because..  I couldn’t take it.” He bit his lip, fighting back the emotion. “A lot of people died because of it.”

“You still think that’s your fault?”

He swallowed hard, “How can it not be?” He choked out. “I’m the only one who had the power to stop it and I… didn’t.”  

“Bucky listen to me okay?” Amelia told him, putting her hand on his. “You had no power in that situation, they had all of it. The power of life and death.  The only choices you had were doing what they wanted or suffering more and that is not a choice. It’s survival.”

“I hid in my own mind cause I couldn’t take it.” He said in a quiet voice. “Doesn’t that make me guilty?”

“No.” She said in her soft voice. “You just did what you had to do survive and you have to forgive yourself for that.” She looked at him steadily. “You have to forgive him.”

Bucky closed his eyes, continuing to fight back feelings about this even though he knew he needed to let it go. Fragmented images of himself, as the Winter Soldier, committing mayhem and ending lives shot through his head, interspersed with memories of being tortured and abuse as well. Knowing it was all connected and that these memories were his. Knowing that when he was able put the halves of himself back together, these memories would be become whole and horrifying, plagued him. Made him want to resist it, even though he knew he needed to fix it.

“I can’t.” He said finally, feeling a single tear fall out, which was somehow worse than a flood of them. “I just can’t.”

“You still feel very alone don’t you?”

He surprised by the question, blinking at it for a moment, because somewhere inside it he knew it was true. “Yeah.” He admitted, looking away. “Sometimes.”

“Even with all the love you have around you with Steve and your friends, there’s still a part of you that’s isolated from them.” She said with her soft understanding. “That’s what the Winter Soldier was saying when he said he ‘felt’ sad and alone. Because he’s that part of you.”

Bucky remembered his vision in the mirror. And his dream. That dark corridor that he’d found the Soldier in. In the darkest reaches of him, where he believed that part of him belonged. In the dark, away from the light that might heal it. And he knew he’d done it because he was angry at himself.  But he didn’t know to stop being that. Didn’t know where to even begin.

“I locked him away.” Bucky said quietly, feeling another tear fall down his cheek. “Because I was punishing him.”

“Because you’re still punishing yourself.” She told him softly. “And once you can stop doing that.. you’ll be whole again.” She patted his hand. “We’re going work on that okay?”

Bucky nodded, feeling some tears come out that he’d been holding in for what seemed like forever. The idea of being whole had made him feel simultaneously hopeful and terrified and Amelia knew that, which was why care was being taken to make sure he was completely comfortable with the process.

And he trusted her very much because of that.

But this was hard. His feelings were all over the map sometimes.  As a result.

He held up as best he could when Wanda picked him up from his appointment. But even she could tell something was up with him. Could see he was struggling at the moment. Hell even if she didn’t have the ability of empathy she could’ve seen that. So she pulled over in the coffee shop parking lot and turned to him, putting a glowing hand to his head, something that would’ve frightened others but not him. He found it comforting.

“You don’t have to pretend it doesn’t hurt..” She said softly, as the soft glow increased. It was strangely peaceful, comforting feeling inside his head. “Not with me.”

He felt like he was going to seriously break down any minute and he’d done enough of it with Steve. The warm glow from Wanda’s hand and the caring in her eyes were almost more than he could take. He didn’t know what he’d done to deserve friends like her and Sam.

“It does.” He told her, feeling those stupid tears in his eyes again. “It hurts a lot.” He tried to sniff them back but it wasn’t working. “Everyone tells me I’m getting better but… I’m still all screwed up inside and it just really hurts sometimes.”

She wrapped her arms around him and hugged him tight right there in the car and he let his tears fall on her shoulder. He could feel that glowing hand on the back of his head, a power that could be used to bring down buildings, but it was warm and comforting in his head right now, soothing the pain he was currently in. Like his arm, it was only as dangerous the person behind it.

“I know it does..” She whispered to him. “But you’re so strong. I can feel it.” She pulled back and put those comforting hands back on his face. “You’re gonna get through this I know you will. “

Bucky smiled at her, feeling grateful for her words at the moment. She reminded him of his sister Becca sometimes. Not with the powers obviously but with the general demeanor with him. “Thanks kid.” He said to her, giving her a playful nudge with his arm.

“Are you still painting?” She asked, keeping her hand on his arm. “I know that helps.”

“Yeah.” He told her, sighing and running his hand through his hair. “I’m kinda stuck right now though.”

“Well then how about we go get some coffee and donuts and go back to your place and hang out?” She suggested. “You know? Relax.” She gave his hand a little squeeze. “Maybe loosen you up, get some  of that creativity going again.”

“Can’t hurt I suppose.”

She then smiled broadly. “I got that game with me and I promise to try let you win at least one.”

Bucky raised his eyebrow at him. “Oh really?” He asked with a hint of sass. “You mean you’re not gonna cheat this time?”

“I never cheat.” She sassed him back, getting out of the car. “Stop being a suspicious old man.”

Bucky raised his eyebrows at her as he got out himself. “Oh so that’s how it is young lady.?” He said with mock offense right before opening the coffee shop door for her. Because he was still a gentleman. “We’ll se how this goes.”

Anyone watching them At that moment would’ve thought they were siblings and to him, she was like a sister and he adored her.  

\--

When Steve got home later that day with groceries, he found Bucky and Wanda in the kitchen playing a card game again. They were laughing and enjoying themselves yet again. Bucky seeming completely at ease from what he could tell.

“Mind if I join you knuckleheads?” He asked, grabbing a drink and sitting down. “Or is this a two-person game.?”

“Sure thing Captain.” Wanda said, pulling a donut out of the box next to them. “The more the merrier.” She took a bit of her donut. “We’ll draw you into the next one after I kick his ass again.”

Steve saw Bucky shoot her the hairy eyeball at that and chuckled. “What are we playing anyways?”

Bucky took a sip of his coffee. “Exploding Kittens.” He answered, drawing a card. “She cheats though.. be careful.”

“I do not cheat.” She said, popping him in the head with a chip, which were in a bowl on the table. “You’re allowed to peek in this game.”

Steve was still stuck on the name of the game. “Exploding Kittens?”  He asked, picking up the box and sure enough that’s what it was called. “Why do they explode?”

“It’s a crazy world Rogers” Bucky said with a sigh. “Even kittens aren’t safe.”

Speaking of cats, Steve observed Arya’s little head peeking over the table from Wanda’s lap. “And you have no problem with this sweetie?” He asked her, giving her a little bit of cheese.

“She’s knows it ain’t personal right darlin’?” Bucky said, giving Arya a head scratch and then drew a card. “Son of bitch my kitten just exploded!”

“We win again!” Wanda said holding up Arya for a moment. “That’s 3 in a row mister.”

“I’m telling you Rogers she’s cheating.” Bucky said rolling his eyes. “I still can’t figure out how.”

“You’re Daddy is just a sore loser.” She cooed to Arya. “He can’t deal with the fact that girls rule.”

“Alright Red this time I’m gonna beat your ass.” Bucky said gathering the cards and dealing them out again. “So get ready for the boom.”

Wanda smirked at him, popping a chip in her mouth. “Promises promises.”

Steve love seeing this, the way they interacted. He was reminded of Bucky’s sister Becca and the way she used to sass him. Remembering that she was an independent soul, a lot like Peggy, who hung out with the boys and defied conventional roles. Remembered how Bucky had adored his sister and wished he’d been able to see her just one more time. It was another thing cruelly taken from him.

But he had, in a way, gained a sister, just like Wanda had gained a brother. It might not have replaced the siblings they’d lost, but it helped ease the pain and fill a void for both of them and he was glad they’d found each other.

“So what are the rules?” Steve asked as he was dealt in.

“Don’t explode.” Wanda sassed and grinned at both of them. “That’s basically it.”

Steve found out he liked this game, even if the name was a bit sadistic.

Later on, after dinner while Bucky was writing in his journal, Steve lay behind him, rubbing his shoulders softly in a routine they were now perfecting. Releasing any leftover tension and just relaxing.  He nuzzled his face into Bucky’s freshly washed hair, which was still slightly damp. He smelled of shampoo and soap, and it was heaven to Steve. Just having him here was.

“So how’d it go?” He finally asked. “Your session?”

He felt Bucky tense ever so slightly at the question but relax as Steve rubbed his shoulder comfortingly. He watched over that shoulder as he closed the notebook and put it aside on the bed-stand before turning around his arms and laying his head against his.

“It was a bit rough.” He answered, sighing heavily. “But it usually is.”

Steve wrapped his hand around back of Bucky’s head, fingers digging into his hair and pulled his forehead against his. “You’re home now.” He whispered. “You don’t have to think about it okay?”

“I knoda do though.” Bucky said quietly. “I gotta work through it Steve, no matter how much it scares me.”

He kissed his head softly. “I’m here okay?” He whispered against his forehead. “Whatever you need.” He then brushed his lips back over his. “You’re safe here.”

“I know.” Bucky replied, wrapping his arm tighter around Steve’s waist. “This is home.”

Steve smiled and bunched his hair into his fingers and kissed his lips softly. “Yes it is.” He breathed against hi lips. “And it always will be.”

He turned him gently onto his back, letting his hands slide over him, feeling Bucky’s body relax under his touch..He ran his lips softly over his neck, nothing too aggressive, just soft and sweet. He could feel Bucky sigh, his hands resting on Steve’s arms. Then he kissed him again, letting his hands slide over his waist and hips, pulling one pajama clad legs against his hip.

“Steve?” He whispered, pulling his lips away and looking up at him.

“What?” He asked, continuing to caress him softly. “What is it?”

He watched Bucky bite his lip. “What you asked me the other day.” He said, his stormy blue eyes staring right into his. “Ask me again.”

Steve brushed his hair softly. “Are you sure?”

“Yes I am.” He answered, his metal hand wrapping around Steve’s arm as he leaned over him. “I want to tell you now.”

“Alright.” Steve asked, laying between Bucky’s bent legs and holding his gaze. “Where do you go when you go away?”

“Same place I’ve always gone.” Bucky answered. “To the roof with you.”

\--

_The last week of June 1934 was already hot h remembered. There wasn’t much relief in the city. And it was before air-conditioning was an affordable thing, and tit was the Depression so no one could really afford it. But 17-year-old Bucky Barnes had other things on his mind that week, much more dire things._

_Steve had fallen very ill, worse than usual. To the point where Sarah had had to take him to the hospital. Bucky had helped her bring him there, seeing as how ambulances were hard to come by too. And when he was there, was not allowed to be in with him, seeing as how he was not family._

_When Sarah had come out, hours later, she was teary-eyed as she took Bucky’s hand and sat him down. “It’s not good.” She told him, her face grave. “He has a bad case of influenza and they don’t know if he’s going to make it.”_

_The flu could be lethal for a healthy person but for Steve, with his heart condition and comprised immune system the odds were much higher of death. And judging by Sarah Roger’s face, a trained nurse, it was bad._

_He was devastated at this possibility, and it must’ve been obvious to Sarah, who put her warm hands on his face. “You should go home James there’s nothing you can do right now.”_

_Bucky remembered sitting on the steps in front of their tenement with his face in his hands. The sun was beating down mercilessly on him and he was in tears but trying to hide them. Just like he hid a lot of things. Deep things that he was turning in his head._

_He was somewhat tall, good-looking kid, with a soft mop of brown hair and blue eyes that seemed to drive the girls in the neighborhood crazy. And while he’d enjoyed the attention the truth was, there was only one person he had eyes for. One person who made his heart beat faster and fill with love whenever they were around._

_Steve Rogers had his heart, and no one knew it. At least he didn’t think they did._

_Because he’d kept that a secret. Because he wasn’t allowed to him like that. That wasn’t accepted. It was wrong, dangerous even. So he played the role that was assigned to him by society, dating girls and even bedding a few, because, well that was what he was supposed to be.  But now he was here. And his feelings were in turmoil because the one person he truly loved, the one he wasn’t supposed to be with, was dying. And that he would never get the chance to tell him. Or show him._

_Not that he would have the chance anyways._

_He was in pain, he didn’t know it was possible to hurt this much and not be physically hurt. Something he would learn far more about later in life.  So he got himself some liquor and a willing girl, there were plenty of both if you knew where to look, and that night took them both to his car to drown his sorrows in them both. And woke up feeling like even more of a piece of shit if that was possible._

_The girl, whose name he forgotten, has expressed love and all he could manage for a reply, was a mumbled “That’s nice darlin’’ before passing out again, his head throbbing like crazy._

_It had been the worst thing he’d done so far, not knowing it would pale in comparison to later but at that point it had definitely held the record for shitiness on his part. Because even hadn’t though he hadn’t really loved any of the girls he’d been with, he’d never treated them that badly. And felt it especially when he woke up in  a hot car being addressed by a beat cop telling him ‘to get your damn pants on young man’ in a thick Irish accent._

_He had stumbled home, in no condition to even go to work today. A job he’d had at the paper factory since he’d been 13 years old. Because being the only other male in his family besides his father he had to contribute. Because the Depression demanded you grow up a lot sooner and then meant getting a job at a young age._

_He found his mother waiting for him, looking concerned at his appearance but also with a message from Sarah Rogers. Which caused his heart to drop in his chest, wondering if Steve had passed away in the middle of the night while he was debasing himself. If that was the case, he didn’t even know how he’d live with himself. He took it with shaking hands, and then took off for the hospital, not even bothering to clean up or explain anything to his own mother._

_When he got there, he was met by Sarah, who was red-eyed, which alarmed him, but was also smiling, which confused him at first. She walked up to him to put her hands on his face. She wasn’t a tall woman, but she could still do it._

_“He’s gonna be okay James.” She said softly to him. “He made it.”_

_Bucky couldn’t hide his relief over this, and the sheer level of shit he felt like at the same time. He literally fell apart, all the emotion he’d been trying to hold in, pouring out of him and he felt Sarah embrace him, laying her hand flat against the back of his head as he cried in relief. Feeling safe with this woman who like a second mother to him._

_It was at that moment she said something to him that changed everything for him. “I know how much you love my son.” She whispered to him, pulling away and holding his face. “The way you love him and it’s okay.”_

_Bucky blinked at her, too surprised to deny this outright. “I’m not supposed to.” He said quietly in return, lowering his head. “It’s wrong.”_

_“It’s not wrong James.” She said softly, still holding his face. “How you feel isn’t wrong.” She smiled at him. “ It’ the world that’s wrong.”_

_The words were profound to him, almost too much so. The fact that she knew and accepted it for what it was. She understood a lot it seemed, but Bucky was still caught up in his self-loathing for the moment.._

_“I’m just I’m.. not supposed to.” He protested. “I’m not.”_

_“Stop thinking about how you’re supposed to feel.” She told him, using words her son would echo three quarters of a century later. “You love him and that is all that matters.” She kissed his forehead and smiled at him again. “Now stop torturing yourself and lets get you cleaned up okay? “_

_Bucky looked down at himself, looking rumpled and not his usual put together self. “I kinda slept in my clothes last night.” Among other things he thought to himself but wasn’t about to tell her that._

_Once he was sufficiently cleaned up, he was finally allowed to see Steve, whole looked pale and small under the hospital blanket. But had lost none of his sass. “You look like shit” He said to Bucky, his chapped lips curving into a smile._

_“Good to see you too punk.” Bucky replied, sitting on the side of the bed to muss his hair. “Looks like you finally won a fight.”_

_“Damn straight jerk.” Steve sassed back and coughed a little. “And not my last one either.”_

_He’d slowly gotten better, and Bucky had been around every day to check on him until he came home. On birthday of all days. And Bucky had plans for him. With special permission from Sarah that was._

_“So you gonna tell me what we’re doing up here asshole?” Steve asked, sitting on the blanket Bucky had brought up with them. “Considering everyone else is on the other side of town and all.”_

_“C’mon punk this is the best seat in the place.” He told his favorite blonde idiot. “Patience princess its almost time.”_

_He hunkered down next to Steve, seeing his mop of blonde hair handing in his face a little. Still looking pale from being sick. But defiant as always. Demanding to go out and see the fireworks but Sarah was not going to let him scamper across town after he’d just got out of the hospital. So this was a compromise. It was, after all his birthday._

_When the fireworks stared, Steve’s eyes widened as they always did. Remembering him always thinking they were just for him. He watched them reflect off his eyes as they sat there. And Bucky thought he was just beautiful like that, that smile on his face, his blue eyes sparkling, reflecting the lights of the fireworks in his them. Feeling such love for him at that moment, and hearing Sarah’s words echoing in his head. And the smiled she’d given him when said he was going to take him to the roof._

_And without thinking about anything about that, about how he felt in the moment, and no care for the danger in it, he turned to him and took his face in his hands and kissed him. His lips were still a little chapped but soft, and it felt more perfect and natural than any other kiss he’d ever had. Innocent and pure. Completely perfect. and the moment seemed to freeze for him, letting himself commit to memory no matter what the outcome was._

_When he pulled away, the fireworks still going off in the sky in front of them, he held his breath for a moment, wondering how Steve would react to this. There was a pregnant pause as the booms wen t off in the distance, and Bucky held his breath until Steve finally spoke._

_A broad smile came to that adorable face of his. “What took you so long jerk?” He asked, giving him a slight shove. “I mean I almost died before you-“_

_But Bucky did let him finish, kissing him again, more soundly this time as the grand finale went off behind them. Steve looped his arms around Bucky’s neck and it was just.. perfect. And he remembered every detail as if he’d recorded it. To play back in his head when he needed it the most._

_The moment when he first let go and accepted his love for Steve. The one thing in his life that was constant and unwavering. The one thing they couldn’t take from. And he protected it with everything he had, hiding it in a secret place._

_On that perfect night where sky lit up and he first kissed the love of his life._

He looked up at Steve, feeling exhausted, and by proxy, emotional, pulling the entirety of that memory out of himself like that. All the loose details that had taken him years to collect and put together in the right order and context. Surrounding that single memory that he had cherished so much he buried it deep inside where they couldn’t get to it. Saved it for when he needed it most.

“I always went there when I.. couldn’t take it.” He told him, his voice cracking because it was becoming impossible to hold it in anymore. “When they’d.. hurt me.. when he put me on my knees and made me..”  He paused, swallowing hard. “It was the safest place I could find.. they couldn’t touch it Steve.. they couldn’t. ”

He saw Steve’s face filled with emotion too, recalling that himself. He remembered that of course but hadn’t known the story behind it. Which Bucky knew was part of the emotion he was feeling as well. But he was holding it together better than Bucky was, the weight of his confession and the other memories it triggered made him feel raw and vulnerable, causing him to grip Steve’s shirtsleeves and bury his face against his shoulder.

“They tried to take you from me and I wouldn’t let them.” He choked out against his shoulder. “I wouldn’t.”

“It’s okay Buck.” Steve whispered into his hair, his fingers wrapped in in as he held him closer. “I got you it’s okay.”

He held onto him until his shaking finally subsided, and then held on a little longer just because he could. A revelation then came to him, or more precisely, inspiration. Thinking of the painting he’d been working on lately, how it had been a mystery to him. He knew what it was now and all of sudden he needed to finish it.

“I gotta go pain.” He said suddenly, pulling back to look at Steve. “I gotta finish it.”

“Bucky it’s late.” Steve told him, brushing his hair back a little. “You need to get some sleep.”

“No I need to finish it.” He told him adamantly. “Please Steve I won’t be able to sleep if I don’t.”

Steve sighed, seeing the determination in his eyes, knowing keeping him in bed was impossible when he was like this. “Alright but not late jerk.” He said resignedly. “You got an appointment tomorrow.”

He did not need to be reminded of that. The weekly check-up. But right now all he could think about was the damn painting and it consumed his thoughts. He got up off the bed and smoothed his hair back before tying back and trotted off to the art room and throwing the cover off the painting to resume his work.

Caught in the haze of healing creativity, he started mixing colors almost feverishly until he found the right ones. Dabs here, swipes there and it started to come to life even more. Like taking it out of his memory and translating it right onto the canvas. He didn’t even care if he was getting paint on himself. Didn’t notice the cat crawling up next to him on the chair. And didn’t even hear Steve come in with some tea for them, setting it on table nearby and watching him work.

Looking at the palette he needed to find that right color blue. “There you are.” He said out loud to himself, smiling as he added it.

It took him maybe about an hour to finish it and he sat back, his eyes finally clearing from that sweet haze to look what he’d done, and he almost burst into tears over it.

The dark blue twilight of the sky was lit up by colorful fireworks, and in the foreground there was a skinny blonde wrapped in a blanket, with sky blue eyes that stood out against his pale face. The eyes were emphasized just like he’d emphasized his own in the Winter Soldier picture. And in those blue was a reflection of the fireworks. Just a dab of color in the middle of the blue, but it was enough. He was stunned by the detail, as he always was when he did things like this.

It was as clear as his memory of it was and he stood up, standing in front of it, to this day still amazed at how he could pull something like this out of himself. No formal training, no inkling of it before. Steve had always been the artist but this, this was a new thing. Staring at it, he wondered if this was just another remarkable talent that come out of his unusual mind, or if it had always been there, just laying dormant until now.

That’s when he felt Steve’s arms around him from behind and his lips near his ear. “That’s.. amazing Buck.” He whispered to him. “Incredible.”

He turned around in his arms, putting his hands on Steve’s face and seeing those same damn eyes. His safe place. He pulled his lips to his and kissed him solidly, feeling him lift him slightly. He felt peace and, that serenity that had come the first time he’d kissed him. He may not have been sure about most things and still wasn’t, but he’d been sure of this from the moment he’d taken that step. And it powered him for a long time. Through all his pain and suffering there had been one constant good.

“You’re my safe place punk.” He said softly, pulling his lips away and leaning his head against Steve’s . “it’s always been you.”

“It’ll always be jerk.” Steve replied, lifting him more, so effortlessly. “I promise..”

He let himself be hoisted up even more and nuzzled his face into Steve’s neck and finally allowed him to take him back to bed.

\--

Despite his manic efforts with the painting, Bucky had clearly been exhausted today and once he’d hit the bed his eyes had fluttered closed. He now lay with his metal arm draped over Steve’s chest and his left leg wrapped around Steve’s, sleeping soundly.  Steve himself had one hand tangled in his brown hair and the other was trailing absently over the segments of that metal arm.

The cat had joined them of course, curled up right where Bucky’s finders were hanging over Steve’s side. In her usual spot. Steve could feel her little purr through the blanket and smiled.

He thought about the story Bucky had told him. About the turmoil he’d been in prior to kissing him. He’d had no idea how much he’d struggled with that because Bucky had always been good at keeping the image up of a confident young man. And he had been, but he’d struggled as well. With his feelings and his sexuality and Steve had understood why that moment was so important to him, why he held onto that more than anything. Becau8se it had defined who he was.

That memory was the safe place for him, and that beautiful painting depicting it, had nearly made his heart stop just looking at it. Bucky had discovered a hidden talent that expressed these things in ways words never could. And Steve would never get tired of seeing him create them now.

It was one of the many things that was healing him now. Maybe healing them both.

Everyone had always called Steve brave and every other word to describe it, but if they’d asked him who he thought as brave he would’ve pointed to the man right next to him. Whose bravery hadn’t always been obvious to others. Because he fought his on the inside more than the outside and that, in Steve’s mind, was a much harder fight to win. The battle against yourself. He’d seen Bucky fight that fight since the day he found him again, and even though he’d been battered and bruised, he’d won every time. 

Knowing he’d fought that battel when he was younger too just re-enforced that in him now.

And the thought of his mother, comforting him and telling him she knew what they were even then had been a such a revelation and a comfort to know. Although it wasn’t a complete surprise either. He’d had inkling she’d known something, and Bucky confirmed it.

He felt a shudder go through Bucky’s body in his sleep, perhaps a nightmare. Perhaps something else. He waited to see what would happen. Bucky seemed to shift slightly and mutter a little. Sounding slightly fearful, before tightening the metal arm around Steve’s waist. He then stilled for a moment and then there was that shiver that Steve recognized now, the twitching of the fingers and the shifting of his eyes under his eyelids.

Steve now recognized the seizures and he tightened his fingers in his hair and pulled him closer, wrapping him more in his arms. And knowing that his mind was doing more repairs and that door was opening for the other briefly.

He saw those eyes open and the head shift slightly to look at him. Assessing. Scanning the room for any new people. The posture relaxed when he realized he was home and it was just them.

“No woman?” The Solider said, laying his head back down.

“No.” Steve whispered to him, playing with his hair. “Just us.”

“Good.” He heard him say, lifting his head to look at Steve.

A question occurred to him, remembering the session several days ago. The way the Soldier answered those questions. How he seemed to understand more and more as Bucky continued to heal. Amelia telling him that pathways between the two were repairing themselves.  So he looked down into his eyes and asked the question.

“Soldier do you feel safe?”

Steve watched as he lifted his head to look at Steve, some slight confusion in his eyes. “Safe?” He asked as if searching his mind for the proper answer.

“You said Bucky went to ‘the place where the sky lights up’ because he was scared.” Steve explained. “Safe is a place where they don’t hurt you.” He watched his eyes, registering this information. “Do you feel safe here?”

The Soldier lifted his hand to Steve’s face and looked in his eyes in that cool, yet softening way. “We do.” He answered. “Safe with you.”

Steve smiled, fighting back emotion, because if the Soldier felt truly safe than Bucky felt it all the way through. He pulled his face to his and gave him a soft kiss before turning on his side and wrapping him up in his arms.

“You always will be.” He whispered to him, repeating the same thing he told Bucky earlier, laying his head against his. “I promise.”

The Soldier closed his eyes, seeming to snuggle close to Steve. “We love you.” He said softly before seeming to drift back off to sleep, tucking his face under Steve’s chin.

Steve wrapped him a little tighter, feeling intense emotion at the moment. Burying his face in his hair and sighing heavily. Every day he got a little better, a little closer to whole. And after the hell he’d been through he knew that for Bucky, the other side was almost visible now.

“You know you tell me to sleep punk but yet you’re awake.” Bucky said sleepily into his neck. “Hypocrite.”

Steve smiled and pressed his lips into Bucky’s head again. “I know jerk.” He said into his hair. “Just thinking that’s all.”

“What did I tell you about that?”

Steve chuckled. “Don’t hurt myself yeah.”

“Did he come out?” Bucky asked, nuzzling Steve’s neck. “Is that it?”

“Yeah he did.” Steve told him, deciding to be honest from now on about this. “For a little bit.”

“Okay.” Bucky replied, sounding like he was falling asleep again. “Bet he got a kiss goodnight too.”

Steve chuckled at this amusing jealousy and lifted Bucky’s chin, seeing those sleepy blue eyes looking at him. “Maybe he did.” He told him, brushing his lips over his. “You both get one.”

He kissed him softly, feeling Bucky’s hand sleepily go to his face. And then he kissed his head again, fingers still tangled up in his hair before he felt Bucky tuck his head back in where it was before and that arm wrap back around him.

“I love you punk.” He said as he drifted off.

Steve wrapped him up tighter and smiled to himself as started to drift off too. “I love you too jerk.”

There were more appointments tomorrow but that was tomorrow. Tonight was the peace between. For all of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay just a little more psychology here as you can see. 
> 
> Amelia's questions to the WS as she told both Steve and Bucky are to get baseline on how he thinks and processes his information and his own feelings. He may say a lot but he doesn't have to for her to get the idea of the way this part of Bucky's brain works. the fact that WS is able to access these emotions even if he doesn't quite understand them is an indication that those pathways are healing and this a very good sign. 
> 
> I think this chapter was a lot about Bucky sort of opening communication a bit more, because there is still a part of him that holds back things from those closest to him and that scene with Wanda is a great example. Realizing that he doesn't have to put up a brave face in front of his friends is a big step for him too. Knowing that he's safe enough to do this. 
> 
> BTW Exploding Kittens is an actual card game and it's pretty fun btw, I learned about through my friends kids who were talking about it and I remember being as amused as Steve by the name.
> 
> The story behind the first kiss was something I've wanted to wrtie for a while because it illustrated one of his first very brave acts and how sometimes we need hit a bottoming out point and get a subtle kick in the pants by someone like Sarah Rogers, who did by simply calling him out and telling him she knew all along. Cause a mother knows right? This was my headcanon of why Bucky has such strong memories of Steve's mom and I rather like it a lot. 
> 
> I was also important to show that he didn't always act perfectly and his use if that girl bothered him very much. It ahoerd where his head was at the moment in time and it was a pretty rough time in many ways.
> 
> I wanted this chapter to be a peaceful resting point in the middle of Bucky's intensive therapy and brain study, allowing him to acknowledge the origin of his safe place to Steve slowly to let in that higher level of trust. 
> 
> And the WS saying he felt safe means that Bucky feels it all the way through now. It's his home and Steve is his safe place completely again and that was the central idea of this one. 
> 
> The appearance of Tony again is a foreshadow of an important conversation that will come up in an upcoming chapter, which is a big part of the healing process as well just fyi. 
> 
> The next chapter will reveal the first weeks results of Bucky's brain scans and may involve more intensive therapy among other things. It also inches us closer to Steve's birthday so there's that too. 
> 
> Once again thank you for readership and comments I really appreciate it :)


	29. The Key

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Artwork for this chapter located on my tumblr of the same name

He was in that corridor again, walking along it, past doors that were open to varying degrees. Openings to dark place that he had, to those same varying degrees, confronted. Sound came out of them like always. The screaming, the buzz of electricity. A voice, one that always made him shake, saying _Compy_ over and over again. The sound of the saw, cutting the remnants of his arm off. The words in Russian, filtering through all of them like a sound system. One door with the voice of woman calling her husband’s name.. _Howard.._   and the sounds that followed that, playing on a constant loop.

Like flickered out of one of the doors, snow swirled out of a another. He did his best not to look in any of them. He was focusing on a new element of this same dream.

There was a door at the end of this dark hall, there was bright light filtering in from its edges. And as he stepped closer, he heard familiar sounds. Sounds of life. Of freedom from this dark place. 

Putting his hand out he grabbed the doorknob and tried to open it but it wouldn’t budge. It was locked. The noises behind him in those terrible rooms ebbed and flowed to his ears and the low light from the room where the flickering light was interrupted by shadows he saw in the corner of his eyes. He pulled on the knob desperately wanting to open it. To get out of here but it wouldn’t budge. He felt the panic rise as heard the sound of those boots echoing in the hall, and the crackle of the electric rod. 

And that’s when he heard the voice behind him. Coming from there and inside his head at the same time. “It needs a key.” That voice said. “It will not open without it.”

Bucky turned around and saw the Winter Soldier there, with the usual blood smeared on his face and arm. More of it this time. His eyes no longer had that menacing look that he’d always associated him with, instead he felt his pain and loneliness now.

His hand was still on the door as he looked at him, seeing some of the doors swing open more behind them both. “There’s no keyhole.” He told him, not feeling one on the knob.

“It needs the key.” The Soldier repeated, his eyes boring into Bucky’s, his face even more bruised than the last time. “We cannot get out without it.”

Bucky saw the blue glow of the electrical rod poking out the door and shadow of the faceless man in a flickering light and felt more panic coursing through him, he backed into the door, whishing it would open and let him out now but it still wouldn’t budge.

“Where is it?” He asked the Soldier, whose stoic face was hiding his own fear now. “Tell me.”

“It’s in us.”

And then he started to fade out of Bucky’s vision and the look was a sad one. The last thing he could see of him was the star on the arm and his eyes before he faded away completely into the dark and Bucky was alone in the hallway. Well not completely alone.

The crackle of electricity and the blue light lit up the hallway causing him to claw at the door, desperate for it to open now. “Comply.” He heard that nightmarish voice say as it closer, felt a hand grab him, trying to restrain him the light fired up, a bloody face holding it front of him and he screamed..

And screamed himself awake, literally clawing at the arm that was around him, restraining him. He could still feel the heat the electricity near his skin and he just kept struggling and kicking against it trying to get away from that monster.

_You will behave.._

 “The key… I need the key.” He stammered hysterically. “I need to get out..”

The arms holding him still held him and then he heard the voice in his ear, the polar opposite of the one in his dream.

“Ssssh..” It spoke in his ear. “It’s okay.”

Steve. He was home. He was safe.

He felt a sob escape from him as he recognized the arms restraining him, holding him tight from behind. One of the hands was on his head, stroking his hair softly as he shook and heaved from the terror of the nightmare.

“I got you Buck it’s alright.” Steve whispered in his ear again. “You’re safe.”

They were both sitting up, Bucky having gone almost bolt upright in the bed and Steve had restrained him from basically tumbling off it in his zeal to get away. His heart was still slamming in his chest and his breathing still ragged but he was starting to calm down and he whimpered softly, his head lowered, his hair handing in his face, hands clutching Steve’s forearms. Feeling that familiar feeling of nausea, and the shame that this was still happening. It made him feel weak and stupid. Ashamed that this still happened.

“I’m sorry.” He choked out, his voice ragged from the screaming. “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay Buck.” Steve whispered to him, kissing the side of his head. “Don’t apologize.”

He felt so raw and emotional at that moment and just turned in his arms, curling into him and burying his face in his chest. He felt Steve’s hands stroke his hair softly, his other hand doing slow circles on his back, trying to calm him even more. The images were still racing through his head. The fear, the desperation that he’d felt and the confusion over the key _. It won’t open without one_ and _it’s in us._

And the fear in the Soldiers eyes. And that glowing rod. He squeezed his shut against Steve’s shoulder, gripping him tighter. Feeling scared and confused again and hating it.

“You wanna talk about it?”

Bucky shook his head, not ready to spill it yet, it was still too close. Still too raw. “No.” He said quietly, nuzzling his face more into Steve’s shoulder. “I can’t..not now.”

“Alright.” Steve said softly, tightening his arm around Bucky’s back. “How about we lay back down okay?” He pressed his lips to the side of Bucky’s head again. “We don’t have to get up for a while.”

Lifting his eyes Bucky saw it was still relatively early. The appointment wasn’t for a few hours so laying back down felt good to him. He nestled against Steve’s shoulder and let him lay him back down and wrap him back up in his arms. Bucky buried his face in Steve’s neck and felt his chin resting on the top of his head. He wrapped his own arm around and tangled their feet together and just lay like that. In his safe place.

Trying not to think about the dream he’d had. The terror and desperation he’d felt. And the Soldier’s cryptic words to him. _It needs a key_.. and it’s _in us.._

Part of him knew what this meant, the symbolism seeming vaguely familiar. Like he’d heard it before somewhere. But the rest of the imagery in the dream was something he wanted to forget. The man in the boots with no face, holding the electric rod. Hearing that voice, the one that nightmares were made out of. He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to push it away, to contain the trembling that memory brought up in his.

“It’s alright Buck.” He heard Steve’s voice whisper, his hand stroking his hair softly. “Whatever is is… it can’t touch you.” The other arm tightened around his back, holding him close. “You’re safe.”

It was raining. Softly right now but he could hear low rumbles of thunder in the distance and could already feel the ache in his bones again. He pulled the covers up closer to his head, letting them and Steve surround him, closing his eyes and trying to go back to sleep, but being unsuccessful at first.

“It’s raining.” He mumbled into Steve’s shoulder, hiding himself even more between him and the blanket. “Fabulous.”

“I can’t do anything about the weather Buck.” Steve whispered into his hair. “Just try and go back to sleep okay?”

Bucky took a deep breath and tucked his head more into Steve’s shoulder. Trying to still his tormented mind before his appointment. To just let it rest again. He could feel Arya, who today had settled at their feet, in that little hammock in the blankets between their feet and he felt even more surrounded by warmth and safety and felt himself smile.

He thought about the painting he’d just finished. His safe place and let it fill his mind, accentuating the physical of Steve and the cat and buried in this all around warmth finally went back to sleep for a little bit as the rain steadily increased outside.  

\--

It was unnerving to Steve how easily Bucky could disappear when he didn’t want to be seen. Like one minute he was there the next.. poof gone like smoke in the wind. It was at times fascinating, irritating and heartbreaking because he knew where it came from and why he did it. It had been trained into him to escape unseen and now he used it more for protection now.

Like today at the hospital, when he’d turned around and he was just gone.

It wasn’t like it was a short hallway either, he was just that good at it. And when Steve looked up, he saw why. Tony was down the hall talking to a doctor. Steve frowned for a variety of reasons, not because Tony was there but why he was there. Wondering if something was wrong with Pepper. And because Bucky had felt the intense need to disappear on sight of him. He still couldn’t quite deal with that yet.

And he was in a mood today, starting with that nightmare, and the fact that it was raining and threatening to continue all day.  Steve knew that tended to sour his mood. Causing his head to throb and his bones to ache. And just the general stress of being hear in the first place.  And seeing Tony was not something he could cope with on top of all of this. So he used that old skill to just vanish into thin air.

As if on cue he got a text from Bucky that read ‘getting a snack and drink, want anything?’ Steve shook his head and texted him back telling just to grab him a water and a snack bar or something. And decided to go see what was up with Tony while they were waiting for the doctor. He’d deal with that disappearing shit later.

“Hey Tony.” He called out as he walked. “Everything alright?”

Tony looked surprised to see him. “Yeah it is actually.” He told him, shuffling over to the wall to lean against. “We’re having the kid today apparently.” He shook his head. “ Several weeks early guess she’s impatient. “

“Wow I wonder where she gets that from?” He teased and then patted him on the shoulder warmly. “Congratulations.”

“Thanks. And yes I know if she’s anything like I’m trouble.” He answered and then seemed to get a questioning look. “Everything okay with you?” He seemed to look around not seeing Bucky. “Is he okay?”

“Yeah he’s fine.” Steve answered, although the word ‘fine’ was very loose today. “Just a weekly thing for the.” He pointed at his head. “To see what’s up.”

“Oh so we should be getting some results on that then.” Tony mused and then saw Steve’s look. “Don’t worry Rogers I’m not gonna get any details on your sex life or anything just on how the tech works.”

Steve shook his head with hands on his hips, not surprised Tony went there but it was just funny that they could joke about it like that. “Don’t you got a pregnant wife to attend to?”

“Yeah but she kicked me out of the room so I’m bothering you.”

“Lucky me.”

Steve looked around, trying to see if he could see Bucky, but no such luck. If he didn’t want to be seen he wouldn’t be that was a fact. Tony seemed to notice this concern on his face as well. His constant looking around as he’d lost something.

“I’m sure he’s fine Rogers, Barnes can take care of himself.” Tony informed with his usual tone. “He’ll just pop up out of nowhere once I’m gone that’s all.”

He knew that was true, but it didn’t make him worry less about this avoidance. But he supposed it was one trauma at a time for now.

“Yeah I suppose.” He said shrugging. “Sometimes it’s annoying that’s all.”

“I’ll bet.” Tony mused. “I’m gonna get back to Pep and get ready for the barrage.”

“Congratulations again Tony. “ He told the other man, shaking his hand. “Let me know how it goes okay?”

“Well something tells me this is going to worse than any monster I’ve ever faced.”

Steve laughed as he walked off, before shaking his head and turning around. And of course Bucky was right there in front of him, with a couple of drinks and snacks in his hand, startling the hell out of Steve exactly like Tony had predicted.

“Jesus Christ Buck.” He said with slight irritation. “How the hell do you do that?”

Bucky tilted his head and looked at him as he didn’t get the question. “Do what?”

“Disappear and then just show up.” He explained, taking the bottle from him. “It’s like something out of Star Trek.”

He saw Bucky narrow his eyes at him as if sensing the irritation. “Just one of the many useful skills they gave me I guess.” He told him, taking a swing of his own water. “Better than some of the other ones.” He looked at him over the top of the bottle, his eyes a little darker than normal. “And less harmful.”

“You could’ve just told me you were gonna do that.” He told him, trying to settle this irritation while in public view. “Instead of just vanishing like that.”

“I did tell you.” Bucky answered with a low undercurrent of anger as they stood in the corridor. “When I texted you.”

“You know what I mean Buck don’t be a smartass.”

“Well sorry Steve it was last minute decision.“ Bucky told him, his eyes getting that defensive look in them. Like the alert was on again. “Guys having a baby the last thing he needs to is to see the guy who fucking killed his parents okay?” He stepped back, a look of pain and sorrow crossing his eyes before the anger came back. “Is that explanation satisfactory enough for you?”

Steve felt startled for a moment, wondering if Bucky had been just around the corner the whole time listening in. “How did you know they were having the baby.”

“For crissakes Steve I wasn’t spying on you two.” Bucky responded as if reading his thoughts. “His wife is pregnant I made the logical conclusion based on the facts at hand.”

He was exceptionally testy and Steve knew he hadn’t helped that with his irritation toward him. And knew this wasn’t the time for this conversation. Not when they were about to see the doctor and so out in public like this. He saw Bucky turn away from him, making for the waiting room for the office and grabbed his shoulders gently, stopping him.

“I’m sorry alright?” He told him, looking into his troubled blue eyes. “It’s just that when you weren’t there I… got a little worried.”

“And mad.” Bucky corrected, holding his gaze steadily. “Don’t forget that.”

“Yeah maybe a little.” He admitted, raising a hand to his face, brushing a strand of hair that had fallen loose from his ponytail. “But only because I’m concerned.”

Bucky looked away and down the hall at nothing really. “I’m okay Steve.” He said quietly, biting his lip. “I am.”

Steve didn’t think he was. In fact, he knew he wasn’t. The dream, the weather, seeing Tony. And of course, being here in the hospital again. None of this was conducive to a good day for him. He felt the need to least get him out of the hallway for now and some place quiet while they waited.

“Lets go sit in the office and wait.” He suggested. “Because I don’t think you’re okay right now and you need to relax.”

Bucky nodded and allowed himself to be escorted to his doctor’s office to sit down and wait. It was quieter in there and looked less like a hospital. He got him to sit down and crouched in front of him, putting their drinks and food on the table behind him. He hadn’t noticed the minute tremble in his fingers but could see it now and took that hand, entwining his fingers with Bucky’s and squeezing it gently.

“I’m sorry I disappeared like that.” Bucky said quietly, looking at their hands together. “I just… I can’t deal with that right now okay?”

He nodded and wrapped his hand around the back of Bucky’s head and kissed his forehead. “I know.” He whispered against his head. “It’s okay.”

They laid their foreheads together and Bucky took a heavy sigh. “I feel like a damn coward sometimes.”

“Bucky you are not a coward.” He told him, his hands now on his face. “You’re the bravest person I know.”

“I don’t feel that brave right now Steve.”

“You are. Because you’re here.” He said softly to him, still holding their heads together. “You keep trying Buck. You keep getting up every day and trying.” He nuzzled his face a little more against his. “You’re strong and you are gonna beat all of this.”

He then pulled his lips to his and kissed him right there in the office, a soft comforting one. He felt Bucky’s hands rest on his sides and snaked his own hand into his hair, turning his head gently to let them open it up a little before pulling back and re-resting their head together.

“Dammit punk.” Bucky whispered, his eyes closed. “How the hell do you do that?”

“Do what? Kiss you?” Steve answered, smiling as he rubbed their noses together. “That’s easy.”

Bucky smiled at that. “No you idiot.. make me feel better.”

Steve smiled and pulled him to him for another kiss, hoping the doctors wouldn’t come in just yet because he wanted to take a little more time with this one. They let their lips part and their tongues touch softly, and Steve threaded his fingers through his hair again just taking the moment before finally pulling away, seeing Bucky get that slightly scrambled look in his eyes again.

“See that’s what I mean.” He said breathlessly. “That right there.”

“It’s my pleasure Buck.” He told him and looked in his eyes. “Always.”

He saw Bucky smile and lean his head against Steve’s again, taking a deep breath. Steve could see that he was calmer now, the tremble had disappeared for now. He’d try and get him to talk about it later if he could but right now he just wanted to keep him calm and focused and he did just that. Just sitting there with their heads together waiting for the doctors to get there.

\--

Bucky sat listening to the doctor, munching on the first of two Snickers bars he’d gotten for himself. Needing something to with his hands and feeding his oral fixation, because well, he couldn’t French Steve right then and there, so he needed something to do. So he ate instead and listened intently, fascinated by what he was learning. And a little unnerved too.

At one point the doctor had mentioned that he must be getting a lot of exercise because his endorphin levels were regularly very high. Bucky recalled smirking knowingly at this, knowing exactly what kind of exercise was causing that regular spike.

Captain America’s other superpower.

“Yeah I get some get in some good workouts.” He said with that Cheshire Cat smile, taking a bite of his Snickers bar thoughtfully. “My personal trainer runs me ragged sometimes..”

Steve caught the innuendo and gave him a little kick in the ankle under the table. Bucky smirked at him and popped the last of his Snickers bar in his mouth with a little sauciness. He then felt Steve’s hand, which was very subtly around his waist, pinch his side warningly.

“Behave yourself jerk.” He whispered in his ear while the doctors were studying the results. “Or I’ll put you in time-out.”

Bucky smiled at him sassily, thinking he like the sound of that. “Aye Aye Captain.”

They gave each other a heated look but got serious as the doctors both turned their attention to them again. Bucky wasn’t sure how much Pam had seen of it but judging by her ever so subtle smile she’d caught enough.  Yes Bucky liked his doctor quite a bit.

“Now here’s the real interesting thing we learned about what your brain is doing.” The neurologist state, seemingly oblivious to the tiny bit of tomfoolery. “Your therapist reported to us that she put you in a deep hypnotic state earlier this week, and the readings bear that out, but it appears you went into the same state the day before, around 4 in the afternoon.” He showed them the two scans, which were identical. “Did you remember having a seizure at that time? Because you had one.”

Bucky searched his mind, seeing Steve do the same and remembered when he’d contacted the Winter Solider in the bathroom. When he’d stared into the mirror so hard he’d actually seen him. Had actually talked to him. How hazy and dream-like it still seemed and how all the other symptoms had indicted a possible seizure. Even though he’d.. brought it on himself.

“I was concentrating real hard and I..I went into my head.” He told them, flicking his eyes to the right to try recall more. “I did it myself I was trying to… contact him..” He looked back up at them, knowing they understood this. “And I did it but.. it was exhausting.”

The neurologist seemed a little surprised by this, but not totally. “You’re saying that you did to yourself what your therapist did the next day. You put yourself in a hypnotic trance, a deep one.” He explained. “And your brain waves indicate when you have these seizures your brain is putting you into a deep hypnotic state, akin to a dream-state. And we are pretty sure it’s doing this so it can repair itself.”  He showed them some more scans that showed marked seizure events and the same readings on all of them. “Your brain has figured out how to do this on its own without help”

“Its why it happens more when you sleep.” Pam explained. “Because like you said, it takes a lot of you when it happens when you’re awake. “ She seemed to think for a moment, as if contemplating her next question. “When you were own for those 2 years, how did you sleep?”

Bucky did a slight twitch and felt Steve’s hand snake into his, as if comforting him. Knowing he didn’t talk much about that time because it was an extremely chaotic time in his life when was still in the early stages of putting his head back together. And when he was still hyper-alert and afraid to sleep for long periods of time for fear of being re-captured. There was a minute tremble in his fingers remembering how he’d panic at sounds of footsteps on the stairs. How he’d lay awake, sometimes writing under that little lamp or with a pillow wrapped around his head, his body in physical agony and his mind a mess.

Alone, broke and scared most of the time. Putting his head back there was very difficult for him.

“Not very well.” He finally answered, struggling to keep his voice even, his hand clutching Steve’s. “Sometimes not at all.”

“You woke up a lot during your dreams. Or were too afraid to sleep at all. “She said sympathetically. “But once you started living with Captain Rogers you felt safe enough to allow yourself to sleep and that’s why this is happening. Because when you sleep is when your brain is fixing itself. You weren’t doing that regularly and now you are.”

“So when he did that the other day, did he hurt himself?” Steve asked, the concern in his voice. “I know you told him to take it easy and all.”

“Not as much as we initially thought.” The neurologist answered. “Some new synapse started firing after It happened. “ He pointed at another scan. “In words, he actually healed a little more during it.”

Bucky thought the strange sensation in that moment, and in his dreams as well. That feeling of something connecting. Like a puzzle piece clicking in. As if some pathway was being restored when he did it. And how tired he was afterward. And he thought about the new element in his dream. The door at the end of the hall. The one that needed the key to open. And he began to wonder if this was more of these repairs being done. And wondering if maybe the Winter Soldier part of him was guiding him a strange way. Showing him the path so to speak.

But he knew that there was still very deep psychological issues not just neurological. The physical element was only part of it for him. But the fact that these two elements were intersecting in some place made his head hurt more to think about.

“So what’s the next step?” He heard Steve ask, and he was grateful his head was starting to pound again.

“We do want to do one more week with the sensors to verify this information.” The neurologist told them. “And we to figure exactly what chemical your body is producing to heal the brain tissue while you’re in that state. And do that we would probably need more samples of your blood to isolate those components.”

Bucky started a little at that. “How much?” He asked, still not a big fan of that.

“No more than you’d give in a regular blood sample.” Pam informed him. “I can do that myself right here in fact.”

“And it will help people?”

“Yes it will, if we can isolate the exact chemical your body is producing to do this miraculous thing, along with amazing brain scan results we can improve millions of lives, and even save some.”

Bucky took a deep breath, knowing if he could suck it up a little more he could do a world of good. His conscience was so damn heavy with the things he’d done he felt that he could make a difference in any way it would help. Knowing deep down inside there was a correlation between charity and guilt. But also a part of him knowing it was simply the right thing to do as well. He could spare a little blood and pain considering just how much he’d doled out to others. He could save people for once.

“Sure yeah.” He told them, giving a brave smile. “I got enough blood to spare for that.”

“Just know this as well.” The neurologist said to him specifically. “You are getting better yourself, your progress is remarkable, I’ve never seen anything like it.”

After everything had been finished up, Pam arranged for more blood to be taken, taking him right to one of the rooms in her office to do it. Bucky continued to clutch Steve’s hand with his metal one as the rubber tourniquet was put on the other one and the blood was taken. He never liked this much either. Whether it was blood samples or IV’s they remined him too much of experimental procedures and operations he’d never asked for. He was pretty sure it would always bee like this for him, but he’d learned better ways of coping and ways to distract his mind and utilized them as best he could.

Once that was done and over with, they were given a few moments alone before checking out and Steve walked over to where he was sitting on the table, swinging his legs nervously. He kissed him on the head and held his face in his hand for a moment.

“You alright?”

“Yeah I just..” He started and bit his lip. “Got a lot on my mind today.”

“Anything I can do to help?”

Bucky smiled, knowing there was a lot he could do. “Just get me out of here punk.”

“Anywhere in particular jerk?” Steve asked, brushing back that stray strand of hair again. “Your choice.”

Bucky thought about it for a moment and suddenly and idea popped into his head. Partly because of the rain outside. It was a pleasant involving it actually. And old place that he knew Steve knew how to get because it was another shared one with him. Like a lot of his good memories.

“I got an idea.” He said with a knowing smile, the memory filling his head. “I’ll tell you in the car.”

Steve smiled and helped him off the table, letting his hands linger on Bucky’s waist a little longer than necessary, not that he was complaining mind you. “Alright then.” He told him, kissing his nose playfully cause Bucky to wrinkle it. “Lets get you out of here grumpy bear.”

Bucky shook his head at that, but in truth he wasn’t miffed at all.

\--

Steve fisted Bucky’s ponytail as he pressed him into the fogged-up window of the car, kissing him deeply while the rain pounded on the roof.  Thunder cracked loudly above, lightning lighting up the sky as a late June thunderstorm raged over their heads.

He had found the place near Coney Island that Bucky had suggested, by the water, the boardwalk being deserted because of the weather. And they were parked, just making out for seemed like an hour before Bucky pulled back and smirked at him, a glint in his eyes that hinted mischief was about to be afoot now.

“Lets go.” He suggested, his hand on the door handle. “Come on.”

“Bucky it’s pouring out.” 

“So?” Was his answer, those eyes glinting even more now. “Where’s your sense of adventure Rogers?”

And before Steve could answer that, Bucky pulled the handle on the door, opening it and hopping out into the pouring rain. He was instantly soaked, closing his eyes like he did in the shower and Steve took in the sight for a moment.

The way his clothes stuck to his body, showing its muscular definitions clearly. The way the water ran over his swollen lips as smooth his wet hair from his face to look back at him.  The way it moved in rivers over the segments of his arm. He looked ridiculously hot in that moment and suddenly he didn’t care that it was raining.

Bucky reached his hand out to him, giving him that look. “What are you waiting for punk?” He asked. “The weathers fine.”

Steve grabbed his keys, stuffing them in his back pocket and took Bucky’s hand, letting him pull him into the rain where he was promptly soaked as well. He saw Bucky smile and pulled him into his arms, kissing him right there. His hands sliding all over his wet clothes, feeling that glorious body through them and wanted to press him against the nearest flat object but Bucky had other ideas it seemed. Kicking the driver door shut he pulled back and grabbed Steve’s hand again, pulling him along with him.

He seemed to know where exactly where he wanted to go and this area by the pier was very familiar to Steve, even in the rain. Perhaps more so because of it. A memory of Bucky, a younger version of him, with less troubled eyes, pulling him along in the rain just like this, his clothes soaked to a body that was already gorgeous, looking back at him with those eyes as they ran under the rain,  to hide under the boardwalk. Running past the closed amusement park, the roller coaster looming in the rain above their head.

He had had a backpack with a blanket in it. Steve remembered that too.

_“Come on punk.” He had called back. “It’s not far.”_

He saw Bucky look back at him through the rain now, and swore he had that same look. That same, ‘lets do something naughty’ look like he had then. And Steve knew exactly where he was headed.  Another place that was special to both of them and his heart was about to burst at the thought of it. At the strength of the memory in his head.

When they made their way down the slope, avoiding slippery rocks and finally under the boardwalk, Bucky took both his hands and walked backwards, taking them further underneath what, on a normal summer day would be under a very active pier, with games and vendors, but it was closed today. He then stopped, smiling at Steve, his wet hair hanging in his face, his clothes clinging to him, looking like a goddamn dream to Steve, just like did that day so many years ago.

“Remember this place?” Bucky asked as he stepped forward, looping his fingers into the belt of Steve’s now soaked jeans. “Cause I sure do punk.”

Steve looped his arm around Bucky’s waist and pulled him closer, snaking his other hand into his rained soaked hair. “I sure do jerk.” He said in a low voice pulling his lips to his. “We used to come here.. and you brought a blanket.” His lips met his, skating over them. “And we.. made love for the first time..”

It had been as good a place as any to be alone, and they would sneak out when no one was hear. And the first time they’d truly become lovers it had been a day like this. Bucky had been 18 and beautiful, all blue eyes and mop of dark hair. A teenage girls dream and Steve remembered not being able to believe that he was with him. That he could have him like that. Even if they had to be careful about expressing it. Under the pier it had been safe and the first time was on a rainy summer afternoon just like this.

They had truly fallen in love here and both of them had known there would never be another for either of them from the first time they’d kissed on the roof, and this had sealed it for all time.

_“This is risky Buck.” Steve had said, curled up in Bucky’s arm under the blanket, hearing the rain thrum on the boardwalk overhead. “If we get caught..”_

_“If that happens I’ll run and take you with me.” Bucky had told him, kissing his head softly. “And we’ll figure it out.” His hand went to Steve’s face and he kissed him softly, holding his body close under the blanket. “Cause I love you punk.. I always will.”_

The force of this memory was so strong he pulled Bucky close to him, kissing him deeply, feeling his arms wrap around his neck. He slid his hands over Bucky’s body, feeling it dimension through his wet shirt, he knew it so well. Every line, every definition of his muscles and that slight curve of his hip as he held him to him.

He felt Bucky pull him backwards as they continued to kiss. “It was raining like today.” Bucky whispered against his lips. “You were perfect even then. So beautiful.”

“So were you.” Steve said softly back to him. “And you still are.”

Bucky smiled beautifully as he pulled back a little and let his feet go out from under him, pulling Steve down with him as he did so. Landing softly in the packed sand their lips met again, their hands pulling at their wet clothes as they continued to kiss deeply.

“Right here Steve.” Bucky breathed against his lips, tugging on his jeans.  “Please.”

Steve pulled back, planting his hands on either side of his head and looked at down at the beautiful sight below him. Those beautiful eyes which matched the stormy ocean behind them, those parted, swollen lips begging to kissed again and again. Sand already in his wet hair, his chest heaving against his wet shirt. He was still so beautiful and still felt that same feeling he’d felt all those years ago, that he was blessed to have him, to be able to love and be loved by him even now. 

“Of course gorgeous.” Steve said softly to him, sliding his hands over Bucky’s hips and undoing his jeans. “I could never say no to you.“

“Only problem is punk.” Bucky mused as he lifted his hips to allow for the removal of his jeans. “I didn’t bring a blanket this time.”

“Don’t worry jerk.” Steve told him, his lips on his neck. “I’ll keep you warm.”

He pulled Bucky’s now bare hips against his own, smothering his lips again, their hands entwining together in the wet sand without a care in the world.  The rain pelted the boardwalk over their heads, and the waves crashed behind them just like they did that first time, so long ago, when they were lyoung and clandestinely in love.  And they were still in love now.

A lot of years and lot of traumatic mileage and yet that love had only grown stronger.

“I love you.” Steve moaned in his ear as he slid into him, holding his hips off the sand as he did so. “Always Buck.”

He saw Bucky’s eyes shine up at him as he pressed their hands more into the sand and rock against him, taking his lips in another deep kiss. The thunder rumbled and the lightning struck the water but they were oblivious to that. Caught up in the past and the present, which was entwined like they were at the moment.

\--

Bucky sighed contentedly, staring up at the boardwalk with hazy eyes, his legs still wrapped around Steve’s thighs. Their bodies still deliciously connected and Steve’s mouth sucking on his neck beautifully. Every time he moved a pretty pulse of pleasure went through Bucky’s heated body, causing him to moan thickly.

Thinking this had been a very good idea to come here. He loved this place. They’d made so many memories here. Ones where they were young and beautifully in love. When they had made love with the fumbling urgency of teenagers and with a very real danger of getting caught which only fueled the fire for them.

And now here they were, making more memories in the same place and it was beautiful symmetry really.

“I think I might have gotten sand in my ass.” Bucky said, chuckling, wrapping his arms around Steve’s neck. “It itches a bit.”

Steve laughed and kissed him again, rolling them over onto his back so Bucky was laying on him now, that same ass exposed to the salty air. He felt Steve’s hand snake into his still damp hair, which now had sand in it too, fisting it gently. He was covered in sand actually, a goddamn mess, but he could care less. Because it was perfect, just like last week in the field, he was really enjoying their outdoor excursions.

“So how you feeling?” Steve asked as they pulled their lips apart, his hand still in his hair.

Bucky got thoughtful for a moment, laying with his legs hanging over either side of Steve’s hips, completely exposed and not caring at all. He thought about the little minor incident at the hospital and their sort of fight there. Knowing a lot of that was nerves from just being there, but it had also been an unhealthy kind of avoidance too.  Not just avoidance of Tony and what he symbolized, but a still deep resistance to the merging process, even though he was cooperating there was a part of him still resisting for very deep reasons. Reasons he still didn’t want to admit.

And there was the damn dream too. About the door and the key. The symbolism that he understood deep down as well. _It’s in us_ the Winter Solider had said. It turned in his mind, tormenting him.

But he didn’t want to think about this here, not in this beautiful moment, with the waves crashing behind them. He saw Steve’s questioning look, having noticed the thoughtful and somewhat troubled look on his face and smiled down at him before nuzzling his face against his chest.

“I’m good.” He said, not exactly lying just omitting. “How could I not be right now?”

“Good.” Steve said, still searching him a little but not pushing it.

Bucky looked over at their clothes, laying on a rock, they were a mess too and he shook his head, burying against Steve’s chest. “I guess we ain’t goin’ anywhere for a while.” He mused nodding to their clothes. “Unless you got some hidden somewhere.”

“Nope.” Steve’s said, his hands trailing sweetly over Bucky’s bare ass. “We’ll just have to stay I guess.” He looked up at the boardwalk above them, hearing the rain still patter on it steadily. “It’s still raining anyways.”

Bucky flipped his eyes up as if thinking again. “Whatever shall we do with our time then?” He said in a contemplative tone.

Steve grinned knowingly and got up on one elbow, his other hand still deeply tangle in Bucky’s very messy hair. “I’m sure we can think of something.”

He sat up a little more, causing Bucky to sit back on his own knees, still straddling Steve’s outstretched legs. He was pulled into another kiss, wrapping his arms around Steve’s back, smiling into it as he felt Steve get a better grip on his hair as they kissed just like that for a few more minutes.

“I’m sorry about earlier.” Bucky said suddenly as their lips parted, looking down at Steve. “At the hospital.. I was being kind of ass.”

“It’s alright.” Steve told him, his hand trailing down his back. “You’re forgiven jerk.”

“I still have a habit of running away from things I guess.” He confessed, resting his hands on Steve’s shoulders. “And I’m pretty good at disappearing too.”

“I know.” Steve told him reassuringly, still rubbing his back. “You’re not ready to deal with hat and its okay.”

Bucky head filled with the hazy image of that night. It wasn’t all there but enough of it was. Of smashing in Howard’s face, a man he’d once admired and considered a friend. Hearing him say his name right before _Sergeant Barnes.._ and the confusion in the Winter Soldiers head at hearing this name. And the other voice.. _Howard_.. as he circled the car and…

He buried his face in Steve’s shoulder, trying to push it out of his mind. He could feel Steve’s arms circling his back, holding him tight to him, knowing he was suddenly in pain.  One of his hands slid up, holding the back of his head and just held him for the moment, his naked body, trembling but not with the cold.

“I’m still pretty fucked up.” He mumbled into Steve’s shoulder. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize for that Buck.” Steve whispered to him, burying his face in Bucky’s hair. “That’s not your fault.”

Bucky sighed heavily, pressing his lips to Steve’s shoulder. “It still feels like it is.” He admitted. “I guess I gotta work on that a little more.”

Steve lifted his head with his hands and looked him in the eyes. “Yes you do.” He told him and kissed him softly against his. “But right now I don’t want you to think about that okay?”  He gently turned Bucky’s head o look over his shoulder at the stormy seascape behind them. “Let’s just focus on where we are right now.”

The view was quite beautiful he had to admit. The waves crashing over the beach, the lightning flashing in the darkened sky above it as they sat sheltered from it. He turned himself around in Steve’s arms, laying the back of his head against his chest, sitting between his legs. He felt Steve’s chin on the top of his head and his hands wrapping around his stomach and watched the storm play out over the ocean like they used to do as kids.

When Bucky would wrap his tiny little idiot up in a blanket and hold him against him like Steve was doing now with him. He smiled at the memory of that and leaned back against Steve’s chest, entwining his fingers with his. And the fact that they were both still naked and sans blanket made him smile again to himself.

 “I still love this place.” Bucky whispered as lightning flashed in the distance. “It’s still beautiful.”

He felt Steve nuzzled his neck just under his ear. “And so are you.” He whispered, his hands, with Bucky’s fingers still entwined in them flattened against his stomach.  “And I love you so much.”

Bucky lifted his metal hand to Steve’s face and turning his head to kiss him. “I love you too punk.” He sighed against his lips. “Always.”

It wasn’t long before they were down in the sand again, making love and getting more filthy with sand and wind blowing their still wet hair. Bucky’s thighs once again gripping Steve’s hips, his metal hand digging into Steve’s hair as he pumped into him. Letting the wind carrying their moans into the storm yet again.

Afterward they washed off in the water as best they could, playing around in the cold water their hands and lips on each other. Feeling like the kids they were once.  Bucky remembered at one moment just standing there, with their arms around each other, now partially dressed in their not as soaked under clothes, watching the storm clear out and the sun start to set., reflecting off the water in beautiful sparkles.

A day that had started out shitty ended on much better note, with his head on Steve’s shoulder under the boardwalk.

\--

It was the middle of the night at home when Bucky woke up yet again, struggling against his grip and whimpering about a key again. His eyes were flicking back and forth under his eye lids and he thrashed so much Steve had to restrain him from falling off the bed. Then he stilled a bit, a minute tremble in his extremities, still shut eyes darting around and Steve knew this was a seizure. And he did his best to comfort him.

“It’s okay.” He whispered to him, stroking his face. “Ssssh.”

His eyes then popped open and he looked at Steve, looking confused at first his eyes now darting all over the room. Steve didn’t think he was looking for anything specific just trying to focus. He continued to stroke his hair.

“I need the key.” He said in a sleepy, confused tone. “It won’t open.”

“What won’t open Buck?”

Bucky got a fearful look in his eyes, darting them back to Steve. “The door… the way out.” He choked out, his lip trembling as if terrified. “We’re trapped in there.. with him… he’s got the blue light and we can’t get out…”

Steve’s heart hurt hearing this, and one of his fists clenched, thinking of that rapist asshole that was still stalking Bucky’s nightmares. But he had to be calm for Bucky because he was obviously distressed and confused after his seizure. So he stroked his hair instead and tried to comfort him.

“He can’t hurt you Buck.” He reassured him. “Not anymore.”

“I killed him..” Bucky said in that same confused tone, flicking his eyes to the right. “But he’s back and… I..we can’t get away..”

Steve had a feeling he was talking about himself AND the Winter Soldier. In Bucky’s confused mind they were both trapped in that dark place the Soldier had talked about. Bucky was shaking hard and obviously terrified, although Steve wasn’t sure if he was even really awake. The doctors had said his mind went into a hypnotic like state during his seizures and this felt like one. Although usually the Winter Soldier was out, not Bucky and that seemed strangely odd. But what was normal in this crazy situation?

“He’s not there Buck.” He continued to reassure him. “You’re safe.”

Bucky looked up at him, and Steve saw what looked like tears in his eyes. He was so scared. “I can’t find the key.” He whimpered grabbing onto Steve’s shirt. “We’re stuck in here.”

“No you’re not.” He told him, scooping him into his arms and embracing him tightly. “I got you.” He cradled his head with his hand. “I’m here.”

He felt Bucky clutch the back of his shirt, his face buried in Steve’s chest, sobbing softly against him. And then he seemed to shake again and go limp in his arms. Steve lifted his head and saw his was, in fact asleep again. The seizure was apparently over, whatever repairs his brain was doing it was done now. He found it strangely odd still that the Solider didn’t come out this time. But for now he put it aside and just wrapped Bucky up in his arms and laid him back down, pulling the covers over them both.

Steve wrapped his arm tight around Bucky’s sleeping body, his other arm, the one underneath Bucky’s head, wrapped loosely around his head, stroking his hair. He pressed his lips into head and shut his eyes painfully. Just wanting him better. He hated him suffering like this in his sleep. He was so strong and stoic during the day but at night he was just so vulnerable and confused and it hurt to see.

Unable to sleep for a while he started thinking about what he said about the key. That he couldn’t get out without it. Steve was trying to figure what is was. Was something they’d tortured him with or was it just something symbolic in his head. He didn’t know. He just knew Bucky had been in a panic about finding it in his confused state.

He turned in his mind until he fell asleep, with Bucky tightly wrapped in his arms. Safe for now in his head.

\--

“Come on Wilson keep up!” Bucky shouted back at Sam, who was behind. “You run like an old lady.”

“Oh that’s how it is huh?” Same said, sounding out of breath as Bucky stopped to let him catch up. “Your just like Steve you know that?”

Bucky chuckled, and grabbed a bottle of water downing. “Why cause I’m faster than you?”

“No cause you’re a smartass.” Sam said, wiping sweat off his brow and catching the water bottle Bucky tossed. “And a damn show-off.”

“Alright we’ll take a break.” Bucky told him, hunkering down on the grass. “Just so you don’t have a heart attack grampa.”

“Grampa?” Sam said, looking at him crossly as he sat down. “You’re older than me Barnes.”

“Couldn’t tell by the way you run.”

“You’re such an asshole.”  

Bucky chuckled again. He enjoyed his time with Sam, it also gave him levity. He was a regular dude with super friends, and just seemed to go with it. Bucky leaned back against the tree, still feeling the endorphin rush from a good solid jog around the park. It helped clear his head getting exercise like this and Sam was good company. Knew when to talk and when to keep his mouth shut.

Bucky bent one knee and rested his metal arm on it, which was plainly visible today seeing as how he was wearing a tank and shorts for jobbing purposes. Most people in this area were used to him by now so the staring was a at minimum, and he felt comfortable. And it was a bit of a warm day, the inclement weather having passed for now.

And he did feel more confident in his physical appearance in general these days, the was that too.

“So how you doing these days?” Same asked, sitting against a tree opposite Bucky and still clearly out of breath.

Bucky sighed a little. “Okay I guess.” He said about as honestly as he could. “It varies from day to day.” He chuckled a bit again. “Sometimes hour to hour.”

“Yeah that happens.” Sam told him, leaning on his bent knees. “You look good though. Fresher.” He smiled as Bucky crossed his arms and gave a look. “Even wearing a tank top to  show off a bit.”

“I’m not showing off.” Bucky retorted, playing along. “It’s hot.”

“Sure you’re not.” Sam continued to tease. “I mean if I looked like I would too.”

“You flirtin’ with me Wilson?” Bucky sassed back. “I mean I’m flattered and all but I’m taken.”

Sam laughed that gregarious laugh of his. “You sure are.” He agreed. “But seriously you’re much less twitchy than you were before. Less hyper-vigilant. You’ve pulled the claws back a bit.”

He knew exactly what Sam meant. How early on when he’d first come home, he was suspicious of everyone and everything. And with the exception of Steve nobody could get anywhere near his personal space without a hiss and a swipe. Like Arya when you got too close to her bad leg early one. And just like her he’d relaxed that posture without even noticing it. Didn’t mean he’d let just anyone touch him, and he was still suspicious of strangers but he pulled back the zone a little and allowed more people in and he’d barely noticed doing it because it had been so subtle and organic.

“Yeah I guess so.” He mused, taking another swig of water. “Still not where I want to be though.”

“And where’s that?”

“Sane.” Bucky said honestly, leaning his head back against the tree. “And to be able to sleep through the night.”

“Nightmares?”

“Yeah among other things.” He admitted, dangling his water bottle over his leg. “I’ve been having the same one for about week now. I’m in this corridor where there’s all these rooms with.. bad things int hem and it’s just me and.. the Winter Soldier and we can’t get out.” He flicked his eyes to the right trying to recall this. “There’s a door at the end and I think it’s the way out but it won’t open.. and he says I need a key for it but.. there’s no keyhole.” He sighed heavily looking back up at Sam. “I don’t know what it means but.. I wake up screaming cause I can’t get away.”

“Maybe it’s not an actual key.” Sam suggested. “Maybe it’s something else.”

Bucky narrowed his eyes at him, a little confused. “Like what?”

“Maybe it’s something you need to do.” Sam suggested, looking at him intently. “Not a physical object but a symbolic one. Sometimes our minds do that and we gotta figure it out.”

Bucky chuckled and shook his head. “Yeah well mines kinda screwed up so it could actually be a key for all I know.”

“You know often times we describe PTSD as being trapped in a room we can’t get out of and that’s kind of an accurate statement.” Sam explained, leaning forward. “And the truth is, we can get out, we’re just too afraid sometimes to do what we need to do to do that. And that’s probably what this key is Barnes.” Sam took a drink of his water and continued to look him in the eye. “Its whatever you need to do to get out of that place in your head you’re stuck in.”

Bucky nodded, having a feeling he was right, but kind of like he hinted at, it was easier said than done to find it. He wanted to just, for the moment to put it out of his head and deal with it later. Knowing that procrastinating and unhealthy as hell but even Amelia had told him that reprieves in the middle of this process were good for him too.

“Yeah maybe.” He said, stretching his legs out again. “Sometimes its just a bit too much thought.”

“You’re gonna get there Barnes.” Sam told him, with a look of genuine commeraderie. “I still got money on it.”

“Thanks Sam.” Bucky replied with sincerity and then got up, stretching a little more. “Care to continue the run?” He added and smirked. “I’ll try to slow down to turtle speed for you.”

He reached out his hand to help Sam up and he took it. “You know you’re an a jerk right?” He retorted, tossing the water bottle in the trash.

“So I’ve been told.” Bucky replied, smiling cause it was one of Steve’s nicknames for him.  “So come on, try to keep up.”

Sam shot him the middle finger as they resumed their jog. And Bucky felt some kind of gratitude for having such good friends like him and Wanda. He was starting to feel like he’d earned the right to have some of these things and that was a good feeling in of itself.

But when he got home that day, after taking a shower and getting cleaned up, he couldn’t get the images from his dream out of his head and decided to paint. Steve wasn’t home yet,  was visiting Tony and Pepper at the hospital, an running a few errands, so he the place to himself. Well him and Arya that was.

He decided to paint it out, starting out with some black and browns, with some scattered colors. Painting the corridor in his head. With several doors. Snow drifting out of one, that color a blue-tinged white. Another with that blue light coming out of it, a shadow looming n the doorway. And the one at the end of the hall, that had what looked like sunlight along the edges. The one that wouldn’t open.

And in the foreground a hand, two hands actually. The flesh hand had a key sitting in its palm and touching it was a metal one. A silvery metal one. Bucky recognized the fingers as he painted it out. He was lost in that hazy trance you get into when you create something, everything around him ceased to exist expect for the painting.

Except for that corridor. And the door at the end of it. And all the doors surrounding it. It was like he was in there and painting it from memory. Describing it to the world like he’d been doing with these paintings.  All the ones that Steve had hung in the room. There were paintings of the Winter Soldier, of the fall. Or his safe place. And now he was painting this.  And it felt like he was falling into it again. Like Alice through the Rabbit Hole.

Only this was not Wonderland. This was the Dark Place.

And he sat there at the easel, in his own self-induced trance travelling through it, needing to find that key. The one that would finally open that damn door and let them both out.

As he stood facing down the corridor, seeing the door with the light surrounding, he saw the Winter Soldier step out of the dark in front of him. There were more bruises on his face, electric burns and more blood on him. And more pain in his eyes as well. And Bucky was starting to understand that symbolism now.

He was taking that pain so Bucky didn’t have to. And he felt that remorse for abandoning him. For abandoning this part of him to continue to be hurt by the monsters in this place.  

“I’m sorry.” He said to him, his voice cracking a little. “I’ll get you out of here I swear..” He reached his own arm out to touch the Soldier’s flesh one. “Tell where the key is.”

The Winder Soldier just looked at him for a moment before answering. “It’s in us. “ He told him again.

“But how do I find it?”

He raised his metal arm and pointed down the hall to a newly opened door. “In there.” He said simply.

Bucky felt intense fear fill him. The kind of paralyzing one he always got with the flickering lights. The sound of boots on the pavement. With a cars backfire. With the crackle of electricity. He was rooted there for a moment, unable to move in that paralytic terror. Expect for the minute tremble of his hands. But he looked at the Winter Soldier, who was so battered now, his face the same as his and knew this part of him couldn’t take this much longer. That he himself would sink into this darkness without him and he had to fight for it him too he knew. Fight for what he had now.

So he stepped toward the door the door the Solider was pointing at. The one that he knew had the key to them both being released from here. He took a breath and he stepped inside.

\--

When Steve got home from the hospital he found Arya on the steps, looking at him as if he needed to come with her. He was immediately worried again, thinking he might find him laying on the floor again. He saw her scamper up the stairs and trot into the art room and he followed her there.

He found Bucky sitting on the chair, brush in his hand just starting at the painting he’d done. “Bucky?” He asked, putting his hands on his shoulders. “You okay?”

He didn’t respond just continued to stare at it and Steve was eerily reminded of when he was hypnotized, his had the same look. He was doing it to himself again it seemed. Only deeper in this time. He put his hands on his face and looked in his eyes and saw he was far away.

“Bucky?” He asked again, trying to reach him but it was like he couldn’t hear him wherever he was. “Come on back come on.”

He turned to the painting behind him, which Bucky seemed to be staring into and saw what looked like a corridor with many doors. Lots of detail going into the light coming out of each one. Painful details. And there was one at the end with a lot of light surrounding it. The whole thing had an eerie vibe to it. He wondered if this was the hallway, the corridor he’d mentioned once or twice.

And then he heard his voice behind him. “It’s where I live.” Bucky’s voice said, but it wasn’t exactly him.

Steve turned back, his hands still on his face. “Soldier?” Steve asked, looking into his eyes. “Where’s Bucky?”

“In there” The Soldier said, pointing at the painting. “He’s looking for the key.”

Steve’s eyes found the two hands in the foreground and there was a key in the flesh one. Bucky had painted all o this. Had pulled tis vision out of his mind and it was fascinating and terrifying at the same time. Just the detail alone was almost like looking at a picture. Like the painting he’d done of him on the roof. Bucky was good, scarily good at this.

He turned back to the Soldier who just sitting there looking at him. “What’s the key?”

The Soldier tilted his head at Steve, his eyes doing a strange shift, almost as if he was in pain. “It’s how we get out.” He told him. Reaching his own hand out to touch Steve’s fae. “To stay here with you.”

There was something in his eyes. Like he was tired. And sad. It was emotion. And this part of Bucky had been showing more and more of it. Inching closer to being one again. The idea of that, of what he would look like was overwhelming. But the pain in the Soldier right now was concerning. And Bucky’s whereabouts as well.

“I want you to stay.” He said softly, still holding his face. “I want you both here.”

“We will be.” The Soldier replied leaning forward a little. “When he finds the key.”

The Soldier then leaned forward and kissed him softly, and Steve didn’t’ stop him. Just held his face in his hands and just let himself feel it. That strange innocence that came out of it. Like their first kiss. It felt sweet and soft and he held it there for a moment longer than he needed to.

“We love Steve.” The Solider whispered, pulling away and looking at him. “Want to stay.”

“I love you too.” He replied softly. Leaning his forward against his. 

“Tired.” The Soldier said, his eyes fluttering closed. “Want to sleep.”

Steve pulled him into his arms and let him lay his head on his shoulder tiredly, like a child up past his bedtime. “Then sleep.” He told him, his hand on his head. “It’s okay.”

He lifted him off the chair and sort of half carried him to the couch across the way. He leaned back, laying against the pillow and felt the Soldier sort of curl up in his arms, the metal one wrapping around Steve’s waist as if he didn’t want to let go. And maybe he didn’t.

“Steve is safe.” He heard him say tiredly, tucking his head under his chin and seemingly going to sleep.

Steve wrapped his hand around his head and stroked his hair softly as he seemed to fall into solid sleep. At least this part of Bucky was. The rest of him was deep in his own mind and Steve had a feeling he might need a lot of comfort when he woke up. May need to feel safe like the Winter Soldier did.

Whatever part of him he was holding it was still Bucky.

He felt him twitch a little in his sleep, almost like a muscle spasm but Steve didn’t think that was what it was. He thought maybe he was a very dark, very frightening place. And was trying to not be scared. To face whatever it was.

“Wherever you are right now I love you okay?” He whispered in his ear, holding him tight, that hand still stroking his hair. “And nothing can hurt you there.”

He wasn’t sure if either one of them could hear him there but he could they could. That maybe they could follow the voice.

And for now all he could really do was wait for Bucky to come back from wherever he was. That he could find his way back through the dark and into the light again where it was safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some interesting little bits as we move forward. 
> 
> As you can guess, Sam is right, the key is not an actual physical object. It's something Bucky has to accomplish in order to free himself from that dark part of his mind. PTSD has been described in that way, as being stuck in a room with one door that we are afraid to go out of. And Bucky is stuck, make no mistake, he and his WS solier manifestation. So finding out what this key (although it has been hinted at here and there) is going to be a big part of this next chapter among other things. 
> 
> Bringing in Bucky's ability to disappear quickly is something that i've lightly touched on but its sort of an interesting aspect. When he doesn't want to be found he won't be. 
> 
> Kudos to one of my readers for bringing up the endorphin thing and i used to create a flirty little moment didn't I? Because yes, Steve raises Bucky's endorphin levels a lot doesn't her? One of his many talents. 
> 
> A word on hypnosis I've done some reading on this and we have the ability to do it to ourselves when we concentrate really hard on something. That artistic trance I've described with Bucky is a form of this, and as you see he drifted way inside his mind and did it to himself again. He's learning to harness his minds uncanny ability to not only fix itself, but put itself in a state to do so, and studies show people can help themselves by doing this so I found it interesting enough to explore. 
> 
> The boardwalk scene I though was a nice book-end to the rooftop scene in the sense of it being another place where a 'first' occured for Steve and Bucky and I do like sending them out for more 'public' encounters seeing as how they had to hide it for so long and all. it's fun to write and I did love the symmetry of the memory and present together like that. Like they came back full circle. It was also a bit inspired by the song 'under the boardwalk' because Coney Island does have one you can go under so why not right? And the rain, it's been thundering here so it fit. 
> 
> The next I think will be title 'Independence Day' and make what you will out of that, I will say it has a double meaning though. And that's all I will say. 
> 
> thank you again for your lovely comments I love them so much <3 <3


	30. Patience

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> artwork for this fic on my Tumblr

Bucky was deep within his mind now, in the dark bowls of it. Searching. And he knew he didn’t have much time, because he couldn’t hold this state too long. It took a lot out of his body to do it. He was pushing it as it was. Part of him this wasn’t good for him but needing to figure this out.

He walked through one of the doors in that dark corridor he couldn’t seem to find his way out of it. Not yet at least. And this door led to another corridor with a lot more doors. And knew what each represented instinctively.

They were missions. Kills. And there was a lot of them. They were marked by dates.

 _Mission Report: December 16, 1991_ was only one of them.

He felt the panic inside him at seeing them all. All these memory files stored by the Winter Soldier. Or to be more correct. Him. He didn’t know if he could handle this to be honest. But he knew deep down inside the key to getting out was in here. He remembered Sam’s word to him, so clear in his head. _Maybe’s not an actual key_ he’d said. _Maybe it’s something you have to do._

And deep down he was starting to realize what that might be.

As he stared at the doors, hearing the variety of sounds coming from, sounds of death at his hands he started feeling that despair inside. There was so many. He felt his fingers twitching in his sleeping hand and heard Steve’s voice.

“Wherever you are right now I love you okay?” He heard him say from far away. “And nothing can hurt you there.”

His connection was starting to get a bit tenuous now. Could see the corridor shifting and rippling a bit but he had to try while he still had time. But his fear was holding him back, making him hesitate in opening any of these doors. Of looking inside and seeing the entirety of the memories. The horrors his mind still held inside. He’d opened so many horrible doors he wasn’t sure if he could do it anymore. He wanted it to end. _But this is the only way it will_ a voice said in his head. It was one he recognized.

Bucky then heard a noise behind him and turned around to see the Soldier standing there, studying him with those cool, yet sad eyes. His bruised and bloody face telling a story Bucky knew well. Because it was his.

He was holding it back for him, and he was abused and weary. There was only so much you could take and this part of his mind was fading. Dying. Bucky could sense it. He was very intimately acquainted with death. And like the others, this one would be at his own hands if he didn’t figure it out. If he didn’t fix this mess soon.

“I don’t know what to do.” He said to the Soldier. “Tell me what to do to help you.”

“You know.” The Winter Soldier answered. “It’s in us.”

And suddenly he did know. It was like a wave of revelation. And knew he needed more time in here to do it. But the connection was starting to wane even more now. He was not strong enough to hold it that long. Not without help. And he knew the reason why it would take longer than he had available. Because he had to overcome himself. The fear. And the anger. The self-loathing. He looked down the hall, seeing all the doors and turned back at the Soldier.

“It’s in here.” He said to Soldier, the pain rising in him. “The key is in here.. where.. they are?” He could hear gunshots, explosions. Screams of pain and death and he did not want to stay here. “Why here?”

The Winter Soldier just stared back at him, looking more and more weary by the moment. “You know why.”

He did, god help him he did now. _You did what you had to do to survive.._ He remembered Amelia saying once. _And you have to forgive yourself that..you have to forgive him.._

“There’s gotta be another way.” He said despairingly, feeling the connection breaking down.

“It’s the only way.” The Soldier told Bucky. “We are trapped until you do it.”

The room was getting more wavery now and Bucky felt despair in his voice as he saw the Soldier start to dissipate a little himself. Still there but now quite. “I can’t.” His said, his voice breaking , feeling weak as shit.

The Soldier just assessed him as he started to disappear from view. “Then we will never leave.”

He then vanished like smoke and the surroundings around him did too. And all of a sudden he was back in the studio. Only inside of sitting in front of his painting he was laying with his head against Steve’s shoulder. And that head was throbbing again.

Blinking against the light he looked up at Steve, feeling very raw and confused at the moment. “How did I get here?” He asked groggily against his shoulder. “I was painting and then…I don’t know.. I was somewhere else.”

“I found you just sitting there Buck.” Steve explained, his fingers brushing his hair comfortingly. “I was afraid you were gonna fall over so I moved you.”

“Did I…say anything?” Bucky, still feeling confused and trembling from his vision. “Did he?”

Steve seemed to know exactly what he meant here when he answered. “I asked where you were and he pointed at the painting if that makes any sense.” Steve told him. “Said that’s where he lives.. that you were looking for something.”

Bucky felt a harder shiver go through him and felt Steve’s arms tighten around him. He buried his face in his shoulder, trying to force back the images in his head that came up at those words. The way he’d filed everything in his mind so efficiently. He compartmentalized them just to function. And the fact that those memoires were there, waiting to be opened was frightening to him.

Mission Reports were a separate corridor all on their own. Separate from the rest but no less traumatic.

He felt his hand grip Steve’s shirt tightly, simply unable to slam any of those doors shut anymore. All the nasty things that seemed to ooze out of them. Ghosts and monsters that were out and about. And the Winter Soldier’s face, more and more tired, more and more beaten.

 _It’s the only way.._ his voice had said, and Bucky heard an undercurrent of desperation in it. We are _trapped.._

“I was inside.” He said finally, crawling more against Steve if that was possible. Feeling weak and exhausted. “I need to.. do something and I don’t know if I can.” He squeezed his eyes shut and admitted it. “I’m scared.”

He was shaking all over now, unable to stop it. It was like he was cold even though he wasn’t. He wanted to retreat from all of it. To run away like he did at the hospital. To dissolve into nothing because at this moment, the task seemed insurmountable to him. A giant mountain with a large shadow, blocking the light and the fresh air from him.

“I’m gonna take you bed okay?” He heard Steve say as he sat up a little. “I want you to rest for the rest of the day.”

Bucky had so little energy he could only offer token resistance to this. “I been resting punk.” He argued just for the sake of doing it. “I’m not tired.”

“Nice try jerk but I don’t believe you.” Steve told him, lifting his face to his. “You wore yourself out again.”

Steve then got up and lifted Bucky into his arms and he very placidly looped his arms around Steve’s neck and let him. His legs wrapped around him instinctively and laid his head on his shoulder like a tired child. Steve was right of course, he was exhausted, not necessarily physically but mentally. Just drained.

He was put on the bed rather gently and felt his shirt and pants being taken off, so he was just in his undershirt and shorts. He closed his eyes and felt Steve’s hand brush his hair back from his face and kiss his head softly. It felt good on a head that was starting to ache a little again. He had overstrained himself it seemed.

“I’m such a goddamn mess.” He said softly, opening his eyes to look up at him. “You shouldn’t have to take care of me like this.”

“I don’t have to Buck.” Steve told him as he continued to stroke his hair softly. “I want to.” He nuzzled his face against Bucky’s as he leaned over him. “You did it for me for years when I needed it and now you need it.” His lips brushed his softly. “So just let me okay?”

The hand that had been stroking his hair slid down over his chest and down his side, and Bucky sighed softly the fingers trailed over that spot where his shirt separated from his shorts. Lips were pressed into his and he wrapped his flesh hand around the back of Steve’s head, threading them through his blonde hair, his metal wrapped Steve’s other arm. He let himself relax into this soft moment, shaking off his earlier visions. Or at least trying to.

“Steve?” He said quietly as he pulled his lips away. “I gotta fix this.” He bit his lip, leaving his hand on the back of Steve’s neck. “I can’t keep going like this.”

“I know Buck.” Steve replied, that hand pushing his shirt up slightly as it slid underneath him. “But you’re getting better.” He slid down on his other elbow a little more. “You are.”

Bucky swallowed hard. Remembering the Winter Soldier’s bruised face. “No quick enough.”

“Amelia said it would take time.” Steve said, using the fingers of the arm he was leaning on brush his hair softly.” You gotta be patient.”

“I can’t be Steve.” He told him, looking hard into his eyes. “I don’t know if he can last much longer in there.” He felt a tear slide out of his eye and knew Steve saw it too. “You don’t see him the way I do.. he’s all battered Steve.” His metal hand gripped Steve’s bicep a little tighter. “It’s killing him”

“He’s just a part of your mind Buck.” Steve said to him, trying to soothe him with his hands. “Just an image your mind created.”

“But he’s real Steve.” Bucky said adamantly. “He’s a real part of me and he’s dying because I abandoned him there. “ He felt another tear fall out in spite his efforts to hold it in. “I can’t let that part of myself die. I can’t.”

There was a time when he would’ve gladly jettisoned that part of himself, but over the course of his therapy he had started to understand that he needed this part of himself too.  He had, in spite of his resentment and weird jealously toward him, began to empathize with that part of him like Steve had. And had sensed that even he was getting closer to him, he was weakening, and he did want to lose him when he was so close now.

Steve hadn’t said anything just let him keep talking and he did. Letting it come out now. “I need him.” He told him, his voice cracking now. “I’m never gonna get better without him.” He closed his eyes painfully, feeling Steve’s thumbs wiping his tears gently. “We suffered together Steve. I can’t let him die.”

He felt Steve kiss the side of his face, right next to his eyes as kissing those stupid tears away. “It’s not gonna happen Buck.” He whispered to him. “We’ll figure it out okay?”

Looking up at Steve he felt himself start to fall apart a little more. He knew what he had to do and it was just too damn much to handle at the moment. Steve must’ve seen it on his face too because he used the hand that was under Bucky’s back to pull him to him and Bucky felt himself clutch at him, burying his face into his neck and letting it out. Feeling weak, scared and confused at that moment and just needing stability.

“I know what I gotta do.” He said in a broken voice, his tears falling on his shoulder. “I don’t if I can..”

“I got you Buck.” He heard Steve whispered it his as stroked it softly. “It’s okay.”

\--

He was worried about him. This breakdown seemed exceptionally painful. And he seemed more confused and non-sensical as well. As if the reality and the images in his mind were getting mixed up now. Steve had a distinct feeling that it was finally really getting to him, that all the stress of trying to put his mind back together was taking a toll on him. That he was teetering a bit now and he knew he needed to help stabilize him as best he could.

And one way to do that was to get him to rest right now.  To calm down and relax. But he knew thinking that, and actually getting it to happen were 2 different things.

He put his hands on his face and kissed him softly, laying him back down on his back. Making sure Bucky’s head was securely on the pillow as he leaned over getting in between his open knees and let those same hands slide down until they were just above the waistband of his shorts.  And as he continued to kiss him softly, he slid his hands under his shirt and began massaging his waist and abs gently. Just to relax him. He could feel Bucky sigh softly against his lips, and still feel him trembling before he pulled away to look down at him. Seeing his eyes still wet with tears and filled with that confusion and pain.

“I want you to relax.” He said softly to him. “Calm down.” He lifted a hand to brush his hair back, seeing his eyes fluttering a little. “And then we can talk alright?”

“Steve I need to fix this.” Bucky protested. “I need to.”

Steve put his hands back on his face and kissed his head softly again. “Not tonight you don’t.” He whispered against his head. “You’re pushing yourself too hard Buck.” He pulled back to look in his eyes again. “You’re gonna hurt yourself.”

Pulling his hands away from his face he brought them down to his legs and trailed them up his thighs under his shorts and began to knead and rub softly. He then pressed his lips into his now exposed stomach and held them there just like that. It wasn’t overtly sexual as much as much as it was comfort. Sometimes just touching and softly kissing his skin relaxed him. It didn’t have to lead anywhere. It was just intimate and soft and meant for comfort. He felt Bucky shiver slightly, his hands running over Steve’s hair softly. And felt him start to relax under his touch.

“Steve?” Bucky said after a long moment of silence.

“What?” He answered, looking up from his stomach. “What is it?”

“If he comes again.. will you take care of him?” Bucky asked, biting his lip for a moment. “He’s hurt.. and tired.” He closed his eyes, laying his head back on the pillow. “He needs you.”

Steve looked up at him, feeling sad at that statement because the Winter Soldier was Bucky. A part of him deep inside that was just so battered he was exhausted. He could see it lately when the Soldier came. He always seemed to want to do is sleep after a few minutes. If this was a subconscious manifestation as Amelia had hinted at, it was showing just how truly tired and in pain Bucky really was deep down inside. The bruises on the Soldier’s face were very symbolic.

Because the Winter Soldier was a mere reflection of Bucky’s inner mind, that was a painful thought to consider.

“I’m here right now Buck.” He told him softly, continuing to use his hands on his thighs and hips softly. “I’ll take care of both of you I swear.”

“If you want to be with him that’s okay too.” Bucky said quietly, his eyes open again and looking up at the ceiling. “He deserves to be treated good too.”

Steve gave him a soft look. “Yes he does.” He told him, trying to keep the emotion out of his voice on hearing that. “He always has.”

Pulling his hands out from under his shirts he found the waistband and pulled them off so he could get his hands fully on him now. Just wanting to touch him right now. He slid up and let his hands caress his waist and hips unfettered and kissed him softly again. He felt that metal hand wrap around the back of his neck, moving up under his hair slightly. There was no urgency, no need to rush anything right now. He was simply tired and needed touch and comfort.

“I mean it.” He heard Bucky whisper against his lips. “You can have him.” His other hand rested on Steve’s arm as he looked up at him, their lips only an inch apart. “It’s okay.”

Steve looked at him, comprehending what he meant there. “I can’t do that.” He said, keeping his eyes fixed with his. “It’s not right.” He lifted a hand and put it on his face again. “You’re thinking straight right now Buck.”

“I am.” Bucky insisted. “If it’s just another part of me like everyone says.” His metal fingers flexed slightly on the back of Steve’s neck. “And I want to give that part to you too.” He brought his lips to Steve’s again. “I trust you.. _He_ trusts you..”

He nuzzled Bucky’s neck, still feeling conflicted. Like he would be taking advantage of him in the vulnerable state, just like they had. Used him to their own ends. He knew was this was different, that wouldn’t hurt him in that sense, but it still felt strangely wrong even if Bucky wanted him too.  And he thought of the Winter Soldier, looking at him with that longing in his eyes, wanting to feel those tings too, because it seemed like he only got the bad feelings. And maybe the leftovers.

Thinking this was the last part of Bucky that had been held back from him. That he wanted to complete this by giving it fully to him. That maybe he was starting to accept that part of himself and it was just another step toward completion. But he also wondered deep down inside if he was just trying to convince himself for selfish reasons as well.

All he was sure of was that he loved him and wanted him better. And the last thing he wanted to confuse him further.

“I know you do Buck.” He said softly, brushing lips softly over his neck. “I’m just not sure if it’s right that’ all.”

“You’re the only that feels right in the fucking mess punk.” Bucky told him, his metal fingers flexing in Steve’s hair. “The only goddamn thing.”

They slowly began to divest each other of the rest of their clothes, eager to touch one another skin on skin. Wanting to wipe out the confusion they were both feeling at the moment.  Crushing their lips together in a very deep emotional kiss, Steve felt Bucky’s leg wrap around his thigh, that metal hand curling back around his neck and under his hair again. Let his own hands slide over him more urgently now

Soon they were making love softly, Bucky’s head bent back, Steve’s lips on his exposed neck. The fingers of his flesh dug urgently into his back as those metal fingers gripped his hair tighter, soft moans escaping him.

Steve wrapped his hands around Bucky’s waist, whispering love and praise into his ear as he slowly rocked him to sleep.

When he pulled him into his arms after, Bucky was already half asleep, curling up against him, body relaxing against his. Steve continued to stroke his hair and pepper his head and face with soft little kisses. Loving on him until he fell asleep and wrapping him safely in his arms.

\--

He spent a lot of time sleeping the next couple of days. It was really hot out and the AC was running and the bed felt comfortable and cool. He didn’t want to leave it to be honest. And the fact that his mind seemed to distracted and out of sorts lately made him exhausted and want to stay there.

Arya was content to spend that time with him as cats do, curled up next to him. And when he wasn’t sleeping, he was petting her, trying to sort things out in his head. It felt like it was a tattered mess again.

Steve had informed him that he’d had a least one seizure that he recognized, but the only thing that had come out of it had been more incoherent babbling about a key and things like that. That the Winter Solider had not made a visible appearance of late. There was a time when Bucky would’ve been relieved about this but not now. He was worried and needed to find him and was trying to concentrate to do it but couldn’t. And when he told Steve this he got that worried look on his face.

“You can’t strain yourself right now.” Steve had told him, brushing his sleep mussed hair back from his face. “It’s wearing you out Buck.” His hand feeling soft and cool on his aching head. “I’m worried about you.”

While in the bathroom on the second day of this endless fatigue, Bucky could see why Steve was worried. He was pale and his eyes looked red-rimmed as if he wasn’t sleeping, even though he was. He just looked exhausted and a total mess and felt it. But he kept trying in spite of Steve’s insistence that he didn’t.

He stared into the mirror again, trying like hell to make that connection. Trying to locate his other half who seemed to have retreated somewhere deeper in him. When he was back in that frightening corridor he searched, forcing himself to look in doors he didn’t want to go in ever again. With terrifyingly vivid images of torture and abuse. Of falls and operations. And of murder. Lets not forget that.

And that maddeningly door that just would not open.

He pushed harder, going deeper in. Calling out to him now. “Soldier?” He asked, using the Russian word instead. “Where are you?”

There was noting for a moment, but the sounds of the horrors coming out of the rooms around him. Nothing stirred in that hallway, the only light being provided by the locked door. And by the flickering ones coming out of some of the others. There were shadows all over the place. Dark ones.

Suddenly his eyes caught some movement in one of those shadows. What he thought might’ve been a glimmer of metal. He moved toward it, realizing he never looked in this corner before. And started to make out a form shadow in it. Someone crouched there.

“Soldier?” He asked again, hesitantly. “Are you there?”

A pair of eyes opened in that shadow and it was him. Bucky knew because it was his own eyes. They were scared and in pain now. And just as tired as his own. He felt relief but also pain because it was clear he was suffering now.  He got down on his knees and reached his hands out, taking both the Soldier’s in his own and took him in as his eyes adjusted to the dark.

He was more beaten now, more bloody, a swelling around one eye and it was a terrible sight.

“Are you okay?” He asked, his voice echoing in the hallway, the other sounds decreasing.

“It hurts now.” The Soldier said in a cracked voice, seeming confused. “Why does it hurt?”

Bucky understood this question, clearly understood why he was confused. Because the Soldier was used to pain, used to taking it to the point where he could shut it off. Bucky knew this because he was the Soldier. Remembering how after a while you just started to go numb. Learn how to shut it off. To disconnect it from yourself. But now this part of him, since it was closer than ever to him, was feeling the pain again and it was wearing him out. The bruising on his face a physical manifestation of this.

Bucky lifted his hand from the Winter’s Soldier’s arm and touch his face in sympathy and a strange thing happened. The horrible noises ceased. And the sounds of some kind of life, some other memory increased from behind the locked door. It was strange, and he couldn’t’ make sense of it yet.

“I’m so sorry.” He said to him, looking in those matching eyes. “I’m trying to fix this I swear.”

“The Key.” The Winter Soldier said to him. “We need it.”

Bucky felt pained at that. “I know I just.. don’t now how to get it.”

The Soldier looked at him as if he knew this was bullshit. And Bucky observed that his flesh arm looked dislocated. Bringing back painful memories of this happening regularly to him. Of brutal conditioning. Even up to when Steve had done it just to stop him once. How easily he could pop it back in now when it did happen. Oh these were visions from his screwed up mind they were just getting worse by the minute, threatening to overload his senses.

“If you come out Steve will take care of you.” He told him, keeping his hand on his face. “I promise.”

“Steve is yours” The Winter Soldier said, looking pained in a different way. “Not mine.”

“That’s not true.” Bucky said to him, looking in his eyes. “He loves us both.”

Suddenly things seemed to teeter in there, the corridor getting a bizarre kind of sideways look. Bucky let go of the Soldier in shock and the noises increased around them both again. Danger lurking.  Bucky looked back and saw the Soldier getting up and felt himself standing up too.

“You have to go now.” The Winter Soldier said, some strength coming back into his voice. “Not safe.”

“What about you?” Bucky asked worriedly as the noises increased around them. The light began to flicker.

“I can take it.” He told Bucky as he felt the familiar fading out that signaled that he was losing the connection again. “You have to go.”

Suddenly heard those boots close to him now. Felt the cold from one of the doors and saw the flash of electricity before everything just went dark. Deep dark black.

\--

Steve heard the sound of something hitting the floor in the bathroom. And the sound of Arya scratching at the bathroom as he stood up in his chair in the office. An alarm bell immediately went off and he got to the bathroom door, seeing the little cat feverishly scratching at it and meowing. He grabbed the handle and was relieved that Bucky hadn’t locked it, or he would’ve had to break it down.

When he got inside, he found Bucky on the floor, unconscious. There was what looked like blood and a forming lump on his head. He’d clearly fallen, and it hit it on the sink and Steve was immediately terrified, going right to him and picking him up.

“Bucky?” He asked worriedly, lifting his head and checking to make sure he was breathing. He was thankfully. Was just out cold. “Come on.. come back to me okay?”

His eyes seemed to flutter a little under his eyelids and his hand weakly reached for Steve, trying to find purchase on his shirt. “Steve?” He asked, his voice slurred slightly. “What?”

Steve put his hand on his face, cradling it as he balanced him with his other arm. Bucky seemed to kick slightly with his leg as if trying to get balance. His eyes opened but showed complete confusion to match his question and seemed unable to focus on anything.

“What happened Buck?” He asked him, knowing full well he probably couldn’t’ answer just yet.

“I found him..” Bucky answered. “He’s hurt..” His eyes rolled back to Steve and he gripped his shirt. “Really hurt.”

The bump on his head getting a little bigger and he was still bleeding. Steve reached over and grabbed a towel to put on his head, causing him to wince. “Bucky I gotta get you to a hospital okay?” He told him, not able to comprehend what he’d just said in his concussed delirium. “You hit your head.”

“I don’t wanna go to the hospital.” Bucky protested weakly, his eyes blinking painfully. “Please don’t make me..”

“We have to Buck.” Steve told him. “I’ll call Pam okay? She’ll be there it’ll be alrigh.”

Bucky nodded, but he still looked terrified. He had gotten better about the hospital over the last few months, but he was concussed now and not thinking rationally. And it wasn’t just the concussion he knew he had, it was whatever else that had happened to cause it that was causing more disorientation. A seizure maybe. Or a self-induced hypnotic state. Whatever it was he needed medical attention right away.

Just then he saw little Arya, looking worried rub up against Bucky’s leg. Steve didn’t know cats had those kinds of emotions until this cat had come not their lives over a month ago, and he was not surprised anymore. He saw Bucky smiled, even in his confused state at this.

“Hey darlin’” He said to her, petting her with an unsteady hand. “Don’t worry I’m okay.”

“You are definitely not okay jerk.” He told him, his hands on his face, one holding the towel. “Come on.”

He helped him up, wanting to at least get him up off the floor and maybe onto the bed while he called his doctor. Slinging Bucky’s right arm around his shoulder he helped him the bedroom and sat him on the bed. He then put the towel in his hand put it on his head while he got his phone to call Pam.

“I’m alright punk.” Bucky said, his eyes still unfocused. “I’ve had worse.”

Steve felt pained at the statement, knowing it was true but tried to keep that out of his voice. “Yeah and that is exactly why I’m calling the doctor and we are going to get you looked at.“ He bent over and brushed some of his hair back. “So stop arguing with me okay?”

Bucky nodded weakly, holding the cloth to his head. His other hand absently petting Arya, who jumped on the bed next to him and was rubbing against his waist again. Steve did no like how bleary and unfocused his eyes still were. He’d banged his head pretty good among other things. And with his history, this was dangerous.

He’d gotten a hold of Pam who said she’d meet them at the Medical Center and just make sure to keep him comfortable as he brought him there. She also it was okay if he fell asleep in the car. Not to panic about that. “Contrary to popular belief it’s okay for him to rest.” She’d told him, sounding like she was on the go as she was talking.

Once he hung up, he went over to Bucky and took the bloody towel away and saw that bleeding had at least stopped, but it looked nasty and was turning an ugly shade of purple. He brushed it with his fingers, seeing him wince a little as he did so.

“She’s gonna meet us there okay?” He told him, putting his arm him to help him up. “Let’s go.”

“I don’t need your help punk.” Bucky protested as he was helped up. “I can fucking walk on my own.”

Steve had to chuckle at this stubbornness, seeing how unsteady he was. “Sure you can jerk.” He told him as he helped him along. “Just let me help you.”

He got him into the car without much difficulty and seat belted him in, seeing his amused face at this. But Bucky was just incapable of anything requiring hand-eye coordination, so it had to be done. He saw him lay head against the seat, his eyes blinking against the sunlight as they backed out.

“You okay?” He asked, reaching over to touch his face softly as he drove.

Bucky turned his head to him, his eyes half-lidded, the purple bruise on the left side of his head visible under his har. “He’s not safe Steve.” He told him, those eyes fluttering shut, struggling to keep them open. “He’s not.”

Steve knew what he was talking about even though he wasn’t quite with it yet. “I know he’s not Buck.” He told him reassuringly. “We’ll take care of it.” His finger stoked his cheek softly. “Right now I’m more worried about you okay?”

Bucky nodded groggily, still struggling to keep his eyes open. “My head hurts.” He said in an absent way. “Son of bitch..” He chuckled a little, seeming to drift a little. “I wanna sleep..”

Steve smiled, keeping one hand on him when he could, hoping the traffic wouldn’t be too bad today. ”I know.” He told him, keeping his hand on him when he could. “We’ll be there soon I promise.”

\--

Bucky laid on the cot, wincing slightly as Pam cleaned out the cut on his head and dressed it. He was feeling a bit more coherent now but still very dizzy, and his head was starting to ache really bad now. The hospital light was bright and it wasn’t helping that any.

They had done the concussion test on him and he’d gotten an A+ on it. Level 3 Concussion.  He clonked his head really good it seemed. Thinking with amusement he never did anything half-assed and this was no exception it seemed.

“We are going to need to keep you here for a few hours, which is standard procedure for concussions. “ She told them as she finished taping up the gauze to his head. “But especially considering your neurological history we want the neurologists to check the scans and make sure everything is okay.” She took her gloves and patted him on the arm. “If all goes well you should be able to go home then okay?”

“So he’s alright?” Steve asked, standing on the other side of the bed. “Other than the obvious.”

“Well he’s got a pretty good dent in his head and we’re still not sure what caused this happen yet so we are not completely in the clear but he seems okay otherwise.” She told them and smiled at Bucky. “Good thing you still had those sensors on, we’ll get that information rather quickly.”

“Thanks.” He answered, feeling Steve’s hand squeeze his. “It really doesn’t hurt that much though I’m fine.” He tried to give a brave smile to mask how much uncomfortable he felt. “I’ve had worse.”

“Well Bucky the fact that you have had worse is why we need to take these extra precautions okay?” She told him kindly. “Now I want you to try and just relax and get some rest and I’ll check on you in a little bit and see if we got the results alright?”

Buck nodded gratefully. He liked his doctor. She was the only person who worked in this hospital that did not get a growl when the touched him. She had become part of his growing circle of people he trusted. And the fact that she was dating Sam made her even more of a part of that circle.

She left them alone for a little bit and Bucky laid his head back on the pillow, trying to keep his fingers still and his eyes closed. Tried to relax. He felt Steve’s hand brush his hair softly and kiss him on the head and he let a shiver go through him, releasing some of that tension out of his body.

“I wish you’d stop saying you’ve had worse.” Steve whispered against his head. “You don’t have to be brave all the time you know?”

“It’s true though.” Bucky said with his eyes still closed. “Relatively speaking this is nothing.”

Those warm fingers brushed his aching head and he let out a shaky breath. “You being hurt is not nothing Buck.”

He could feel the love and concern in that statement, and he felt like a bit of a shithead for saying it. Hell for worrying him like this yet again. He knew he’d pushed himself too hard, but he had to. The image of the Winter Soldier sitting that corner, badly battered was haunting him as well. The meaning behind it and the strange guilt he felt over it. That he was causing this to happen with his resistance.

“I’m sorry about all this Steve.” He said, keeping his eyes closed and feeling very drowsy.  “I shouldn’t have pushed myself but I got.. frustrated and I needed to..” He swallowed hard. “Help him.”

“It’s alright.” He heard Steve say, that hand still brushing his hair soothingly. “I’m just glad you’re okay.”

He opened his eyes painfully and blinked against the harsh light again. Trying to focus on Steve’s face. He reached his arm out and wrapped it around his arm like a tether. “But I’m not okay.” He told him, his lower lip trembling a little. “I won’t be until I fix it.” He blinked painfully again. “I’m still broken inside.  Maybe I always will be.”

“No Buck.” Steve reassured him, smiling at him softly. “You’re getting better.” He leaned over and kissed his head again. “So don’t give up yourself okay?”

He left his lips there for a moment and Bucky sighed, closing his eyes again. “I’ll try not to.” He replied. “But only for you punk.”

“That’s my brave bear.” Steve said softly and sat down on the side of the bed. “Now get some rest okay. Pam said it’s okay to sleep if you need to.”

Bucky scooted over a little and laid his head against Steve’s shoulder, knowing he would stay there while he rested. He nuzzled his aching head into it and curled up a little. “Just don’t let me fall off the bed punk.” He teased, starting to feel comfortable again.

“Of course jerk.” Steve teased back, wrapping an arm around him. “What else am I here for?”

“To be a pillow?” Bucky suggested, feeling drowsy again. “Cause you make a good one.”

Steve nuzzled his face into Bucky’s hair. “I’ll always be your pillow gorgeous.” He told him. “Now get some sleep.”

Bucky smiled softly and let himself start to drift off, knowing Steve would stay right there with him in this very uncomfortable place. Soon his anxiety fade and the tiredness took over and he let himself have a short nap right on Steve’s shoulder. The rise and fall of his chest providing comfort. And thankfully he did not have any dreams this time.

\--

They did not have to stay that night, which was the god news, but Pam had a few stipulations for letting him go home. Some of which Steve knew Bucky might have a hard time following.

“His sensors indicated he had a seizure earlier today.” She’d told him. “It’s interesting some of them are happening in the daytime and with a little more frequency as well. This is why we want to monitor him a little longer, but we can do this from your home by remote.” And then added. “Make sure he’s not alone for too long over the next few days because we don’t want another repeat of this.” She looked at Bucky specifically now. “Your brain might heal faster and better than most, but it can’t afford any more injuries.  You got lucky this time and we don’t want a next time okay?”

Bucky winced a little. “I’ll try and be careful.”

“I’m putting you on pretty strict bedrest until Wednesday when I want you back in my office for a re-evaluation. “ She told them, making sure to make these points clear. “During that time I don’t’ want you engaged in anything too strenuous.” She saw Bucky’s look at that and smiled knowingly. “Yes that too. Or at least slow down a little You had a level 3 concussion you need to take care with that okay?”

“Alright” Bucky reluctantly agreed, his arm around Steve. “But this punk drives me all kinds of crazy so that might be tough.”

Steve pinched him gently at that and whispered in his ear. “What did I tell you about behaving yourself jerk?” He warned, seeing Bucky smirk a little at that.

Pam seemed to smile at this, used them like this. “Just take it easy okay?”

“I can handle him.” Steve told her. “I won’t let him overdo.”

“Alright then.” She told them. “You can discharge now and remember, back in my office Wednesday got it?”

“We’ll be there.” Steve told her. “I’ll make sure of it.”

Once she left them alone Bucky turned to him and leaned his head against his. Steve could tell he was still not quite right yet. Could see him squinting in the light and still not balanced quite right to the point where he head to lean against Steve. He put his hands on his face and gave him a soft kiss, feeling him put his hands on Steve’s as if balance.

“How you feeling?” Steve asked leaning his head against Bucky’s “Any better.”

“My fucking head hurts so no.. not really.” Bucky answered with a sigh. “I just wanna go back home punk.”

“Well that is exactly where we are going jerk.” Steve told him, brushing his faces over the small bandage on his head. “And your going to stay there for a few days.” He smiled and kissed his head. “You got that?”

“Aye Aye Captain.” Bucky agreed sassily. “This is kinda gonna suck though.”

Steve slid his arm around him and walked him out of the room. “You’re gonna be waited on hand and foot.” He informed as they checked out. “How is that a bad thing?”

“You know what I mean.” Bucky said tiredly. “Don’t be dense Rogers.”

Steve chuckled and tightened his arm around him as they walked to the car. “We’ll get through this Buck.” He told him as they got to the car. “It’s only for a few days.”

“A few very long days.” Bucky mused, carefully getting in the truck with Steve’s help.

Once they were inside, Steve wrapped his hand around the back of Bucky’s head and pulled him over to him to kiss him. And he made sure to do a through job of it too, feeling Bucky’s arm slide around him. He dug his fingers deeper in his hair and let their tongues move softly together before pulling apart and laying their foreheads together.

“I’m just glad you’re okay.” He whispered to him. “I was so worried when I found you like that.” He took a deep breath. “You scared the shit out of me jerk.”

“I’m sorry punk.” Bucky said softly back, his eyes closed. “I’ll be more careful I promise.”

Steve then wrapped his arms around him, still holding his head with his hand. “You better be.” He said into his hair. “I can’t lose you again.”

He let that worry finally fall out of him. The sight of him like that had literally almost made his heart stop right there. It had reminded him briefly of another time when he’d found him on bathroom floor, his wrist bleeding instead of his head that time. When he was deathly ill back in December. All the times he’d come way too close, within minutes of losing him all over again. He held him tighter for a moment, just letting himself feel it.

“I love you so damn much.” He told him, burying his face in his shoulder. “Don’t you ever do that me again you hear me?”

He felt Bucky hug him tighter too. “I hear you.” Bucky said against his shoulder. “I’ll do my best punk.”

They pulled back from each other and Steve pulled him even closer, digging his fingers in again and kissing again. There was no rule against doing this and it was not strenuous at all.

\--

He was mad because he couldn’t do anything. His head as splitting now, and light and noise hurt. All he could do was lay down in the dark with Arya while Steve made dinner.  He had an ice pack and had it on his head and just laid there, petting the cat with the other hand feeling her purr underneath it, walking back and forth before settling down next to his metal arm.

“Here you go.” He heard Steve say and he squinted his eyes to see him in the low lit room, putting some stuff down. “Some tea and some mac ‘n cheese if you’re hungry.”

He took the tea, sitting up a little, winching a little. “Thanks punk.” He said groggily. “You’re enjoying this aren’t you punk?”

“Enjoying what?”

“This.” He replied, motioning to the food and ice pack and what not. “Taking care of me.”

“Of course I do jerk.” Steve told him, smiling and moving that errant strand of hair away from his face. “Spoiling you is my favorite pastimes.”

Bucky laughed and drank down more of the honey lemon tea. The stuff Wanda had gotten him on to. “Well it’s a good thing I’m pretty fucked up so you’ll get lots of opportunities for that.” He joked and picked up the mac ‘n cheese, finally feeling less nauseous and able to eat. “I’m an enabler’s dream.”

“You gotta stop talking like that.” Steve said, resting his hand on Bucky’s bent knee. “You deserve to be taken care of. You’ve earned it.”

Bucky inhaled another spoonful of his food and then put the bowl down on his lap. He couldn’t help thinking of that other part of himself. The one that still suffered. That was still feeling the pain of what had happened to them. Who was he kidding really? They were both still feeling it. And until he could put this back together this shit was going to keep happening. To them both. And to Steve of course. Thinking about how worried he was. How much he’d scared him.

“I pushed myself too hard today.” He said with a heavy sigh. “And this happened.” He looked down at his food. “And now you gotta take care of me again and you shouldn’t have to that’s all.”

“I told you I don’t have to Buck.” Steve told him, rubbing his knee gently. “That I want to. Just accept that okay.” He reached up and put a warm hand on his face. “So what happened? Do you remember?”

Bucky looked down to the right, trying to think even though it hurt his head. It was all fuzzy now, having a dream like quality to it. The details seemed almost surreal like those funky paintings at the museum he and Wanda had gone to recently. He remembered being fascinated by those because there was something familiar about them. The surreal imagery, like the way the caverns of his mind appeared to him like a crooked corridor he could barely walk down sometimes. And the madness that lived there.  He’d painted those strange images in a haze and seeing those images had a dual effect on him.

He was fascinated and frightened at the same time. It looked like madness to him.

And the Winter Soldier. He knew this wasn’t real, that it was just a representation of himself, but it felt real. Like he was another person now. Someone he had to save. If only to save himself.

“I couldn’t find him anymore and I went looking.” He confessed. “I went deep inside like before and I found him.” He put his hand on his head absently, only vaguely aware that it hurt. “ And he was hiding and.. all beat up like… I used to be..”

“Bucky you know that’s not real right?” Steve told him, sliding closer. “It’s only in your heard.”

“But it feels real Steve.” He said, trying to explain it. “Like a real place and he feels really hurt..” He scrunched his face as if trying to decipher it. “I can actually feel it.. feel him just.. in pain.”

Steve looked at him sympathetically. “Because he’s you Buck.” He said softly, his hand resting on his face. “That’s why you feel it.. that’s why it seems real.” His thumb ran over his face soothingly. “It’s you in that corner, you’re the one in pain.”

He knew it was true on some level but he couldn’t let go of the feeling of a strangely surreal reality inside his head. The idea that he invented all of it as a coping mechanism made him feel completely nuts and hurt his head. He needed something to do with his hands, which trembled slightly so he picked up his food and ate some more of it while Steve watched him.

“I know it’s nuts.” He said in between bites. “That I’m nuts.”

“You’re not nuts.” Steve told him, his hands on his face. “You’re just different that’s all.”

Bucky shook his head. “Sometimes I think you’re just as nuts as me Rogers.” He saw Steve smile and knew what his response to that was. “Don’t even say it.”

“What that I’m nuts for you?” Steve said, grinning even more as he took the bowl away and went to kiss him. “Why?” He asked mischievously. “Does that annoy you?”

“Yeah it does.” Bucky replied wrapping his fingers in his t-shirt. “You annoy the fuck out of me Rogers.”

“Oh but you love me.” He nuzzled his nose. “My grumpy boo bear loves me.”

Bucky actually giggled in spite of himself, thinking he must’ve clocked his head pretty damn hard to find that both ridiculously funny and adorable.  “Your boo bear?”?” He chuckled, barely containing himself. “Seriously punk?”

Steve didn’t answer just kissed him and Bucky continued to giggle softly against his lips. He fisted his shirt and pulled him a little closer wanting a little more. He felt Steve’s hand in his hair and immediately didn’t care if he had a concussion. Hell half his head could’ve been bashed in and he wouldn’t have cared as long as Steve was kissing him like this.

He slid down and pulled him with him, smiling into it and for a moment it was glorious. And then Steve pulled back to look at him concerned. “As much as I may want to.” He told him, his hand brushing over the gauze pad on his head. “The doctor said nothing strenuous remember?”

“Oh come on I feel fine.” He said with a little whine in his voice he couldn’t help. “Stop being such a worry wort Rogers.”

“You were unconscious on the bathroom this afternoon. “ Steve said to him, his hand on the side of his face. “It can wait.”

Bucky got a pouty look and crossed his arms. “This fucking sucks.”  He grumbled, glaring at him.

“Aww such language boo bear.” Steve said with an even bigger smirk, leaning over him again. “But you’re hurt so I’ll forgive you.”

“Dammit punk stop calling me boo bear.” He growled to him. “It’s annoying.”

Steve slid his hands over his waist and brushed his lips over his. “You’re not that annoyed.” He told him, letting his fingers playing on the exposed skin of his waist. “You’re just grumpy cause you’re head hurts.”

Bucky was about to answer that with snarky remark when he was kissed again, his hands taken by Steve’s and pressed down. It was deep, sultry and sweet at the same time and had the effect of scrambling him again, making him forget he was irritated with him.  He sighed into it, all of that irritation fading quickly.

“I though we weren’t.” He asked, he asked a little confused. “You said….”

“Ssssh.” Steve whispered against his lips. “They didn’t say we couldn’t do this.” He smiled against his lips. “Just nothing strenuous.”

“Oh..” Bucky mused as Steve ran his lips over his neck softly. “I see.”

“There is nothing wrong with this.” Steve said against his neck, letting go of his hands. “It’s therapy.”

“Yeah.” Bucky said thoughtfully. “Therapy.”

It was actually pretty relaxing, just laying there and letting Steve just kiss and touch him. It made him sleepy to be honest. His body was just sort of melting under it. His aching head even seemed to calm down slightly. It was simply a sweet make-out session and Bucky realized it was enough for now. He was still a little fuzzy. A little dizzy any time he moved too quickly so it was good thing Steve was thinking of this once again. Always looking out for his best interests.

He let the magic of Steve’s hands, running over his hips and waist and over his stomach, and his lips on his, and on his neck and throat, lull him for now.

Later when he was wrapped up in his arms he nuzzled his head against Steve’s shoulder about ready to fall asleep. “Love you punk.” He said sleepily, his eyes fluttering closed.

“I love you too boo bear.” He heard Steve say back, his hand resting over the injured part of his head, brushing his hair softly. “Now get some sleep.”

Far from being annoyed by this, Bucky actually smiled at that cute nickname. “Just don’t call me that in public okay?” He admonished, tightening his arm around him. “Please.”

“Okay jerk.” He heard Steve say into his hair. “Sleep.”

And he did finally, feeling relaxed enough to do so now.

\--

Steve was woken up by shift in the bed. He was more alert than usual to it. Pam had pulled him aside to tell him to keep an out and make sure if he did have a seizure, he didn’t hurt himself again. And since he’d been having them a bit more of late, he was very much on alert.

He could feel him shaking slightly in his arms as he held him close, keeping him from hitting his head again. He could feel his fingers sort of flexing against his shirt and he did his best to comfort him until h e stilled. He was whimpering softly as if in a dream and he probably was, sometimes that happened after them. A dream-like delirium in which he was very scared, tucking his head under Steve’s chin and curling into him.

“Ssssh It’s okay.” He whispered into his hair, his hand wrapped around his head to protect it. “You’re okay.”

After a few minutes of shaking and muttering he seemed to calm and stilled in his arms. Steve continued to brush his hair softly, soothing him back to rest again. And then he felt another shifting movement and that head lifted and looked up at Steve and saw the familiar eyes of the Winter Soldier looking at him, blinking in the low light.

He hadn’t seen him all that much lately and he brushed his hair softly out of his confused eyes.  “Helllo there.” He whispered softly to him, being gentle, not sure of his state of mind just yet.

The Soldier lifted his arm and touched his head in confusion. “Hurt?” He said questioningly.

“Bucky hurt himself today.” He explained to his alter ego, who continued to look at him, puzzled. “He said he was helping you.” He continued to brush his hair softly. “He said you were hurt too.”

“I can take it.” He replied. “Doesn’t hurt.”

Steve felt sad at that statement, knowing this was just Bucky. How he must have learned to shut it off, or at least pretend it didn’t hurt. That he was still learning how to feel it even now and it was taking it’s toll. He put his hand on his face and kissed his head softly, right below the soft gauze and felt him wince slightly.

“You don’t have to pretend it doesn’t hut. “ He whispered. “I know it does. “

“Bucky says you will take care of us.” The Soldier said, putting his own hand on Steve’s face. “You love us.”

“I will.” He replied, leaning his head against his. “And I do.”

He thought about what Bucky had said that night. _If he comes out take care of him_.. and _if you want to be with him it’s okay_. He still wouldn’t consider that because Bucky wasn’t well. But looking at this part of him. Looking tired and worn, Steve could almost see him battered and bruised like Bucky had described. _He’s dying.._ he had practically sobbed to him. _I can’t let him die_.

He could take care of him. Just like he took care of the other part of Bucky too. He took his face in his hands and kissed him, turning him gently on his back and softly running his hands over him. It was just like with Bucky but slightly different. That hint of eager innocence in the kiss. In the way his metal fingers wrapped tentatively around the back of his neck, holding him to him.

“I’ll take care of you too.” He whispered against his lips. “You’re safe now.”

He held him, touched him. Kissed his lips and his neck softly just like earlier with Bucky and it was perfect. He could feel this part of Bucky relaxing as well. His metal hand in Steve’s hair, the other pressing into back. It was just like Bucky in that way. And just like then he was careful not to push it too far yet.

Pulling their lips apart he felt the Soldier tuck his head into his neck, his arm still wrapped around him. “We love Steve.” He whispered against his skin. “We do.”

“I love you too Soldier.” Steve whispered into his hair. “You can rest, it’s safe.”

“Rest.” He heard him say, curling more against him. “Safe.”

He seemed to go to sleep and Steve wrapped him up tight. In a weird way holding two people at once, and closed his eyes, letting himself go to sleep as well finally. Keeping him tight in his arms just in case.

\--

Bucky had a therapy session the next day and was groggy as all hell. He had almost forgot about the concussion but the bump on his head reminded him rather quickly. Steve had to help him up and even help him get ready. He had told him it was okay to call in today, that Amelia would understand but Bucky insisted on going.

“Just because I got a bump on the head doesn’t mean I’m slacking off punk.” He’d said as Steve helped with his shoes. “In fact it’s the reason I need to go.” He chuckled a little as Steve helped him tie his shoe because he couldn’t bend over without getting dizzy. “Even if I’m too fucked to tie my own shoes.”

Steve smiled up at him and rubbed his leg. “I got your back boo bar.”

Bucky rolled his eyes at that, feeling a bit dizzy when he did it, and then steadied himself by putting his hands on Steve’s face, kissing him softly. “Remember what I said about that nickname.” He warned as he pulled back. “Only at home punk.”

When they pulled apart the nuzzled each other’s face like a couple of affectionate cats. Bucky loved those little moments of affection like that that they had. They were private, intimate and all theirs.  Steve then pulled them to their feet and they embraced for a moment, Bucky burying his face in Steve’s shoulder for a moment before resting his chin on it, staring at the bathroom door. Still trying to figure out how he fell in the first place. Other than just passing out.

But it was a problem for another time he supposed.

“We gotta get going jerk.” Steve told him as he pulled back, checking the freshly changed gauze on his Bucky’s head. “You sure your okay enough to go?”

“I’ll be sitting down the whole time punk.” Bucky said irritably as they went out to the car. “Besides she’s a doctor too so stop fretting.”

Although if he had to be honest, as irritated as he pretended to be, he actually found Steve’s mother-henning quite cute sometimes.  And he felt oddly safe when it came to it, because he knew that even if he wasn’t looking out for himself someone else was. And that went both ways and always had been.

They always protected each other in every way possible. That was one thing that hadn’t changed.

They got to the appointment on time and Steve said he’d come back after he ran a few errands. And Bucky spent the first 10 minutes of his session explaining exactly why he was injured. And what he was doing at the time that caused that result in the first place.

“You’re pushing yourself too hard.” She told him, unsurprisingly. “But you already knew that didn’t you?”

“Yeah.” He admitted, chuckling a little. “I kinda fucked up.” He sighed, playing with his hands. “I just wanted to fix and… yeah.”

“You don’t have to rush it you know that.” She reassured him. “These things take time and you need to have patience with yourself.”

“Well obviously that’s a problem for me.”

“You expect a lot out of yourself and you have to remember that a lot was done to you and its not a quick fix.” She explained. “You’ve made a ton of progress but you need to breathe. To just take your time.”

He tapped his metal fingers against the flesh ones nervously. “It just.. felt urgent you know?” He admitted. “Seeing him so exhausted and beat up I just felt like he was dying or something and I needed to do something.”

“You know there’s a correlation between how hard you’re pushing yourself and how beat up he looks in your mind?” She offered up. “Do you see it?” She put her hand on his softly. “He’s a reflection of you and always has been.”

He was a bit taken aback by that but knew in some ways maybe she was right. It seemed like the harder he went at this more beat up the Winter Soldier was. Like he was hurting himself on the inside trying to face these things too soon. Pushing himself beyond the limits he had right now. Thinking of how exhausted in general he’d felt lately. How emotional he’d become and frustrated that he wasn’t making more progress.

“I’m hurting myself.” He said quietly. “And I did it literally yesterday.” He ran his hands through his hair. “And I’m putting Steve through it all because I got no goddamn patience.”

“Bucky recovery is not a linear process, and progress is not always a straight line.” She explained.  “Sometimes your going to ziz-zag and even backtrack but just because that tunnel isn’t straight doesn’t mean you’ll never get out of it.” She patted his hand again comfortingly. “It just takes time. So let yourself breathe once and a while okay?”

He nodded and thought of something random. “Steve’s birthday is this week.” He mused. “Maybe we should do something.”

“There you go.” She told him smiling. “Take a break and just enjoy yourself. Give your head a rest because you deserve one.”

Bucky was thinking about this on the way home, absently rubbing the pad on his head because it itched a little. Which or course meant the cut was healing. But he still had a hell of tender shiner there and he winced a couple of times.

“Hey you know if you stop touching it won’t hurt right?”

“Wow Rogers I didn’t know that.” He snarked back at him, not angrily just for the hell of it. “You’re such a genius.”

Steve reached over with a soft smile on his idiot face and brushed some hair away from it. “Glad to see you’re feeling better jerk.”

“You just bring it out of me punk.” He shot back, returning the smile. “Can’t help it.” He ran his fingers over the tape absently. “Did you figure out what I hit my head on?”

“There was some blood on the sink so it was probably that.” Steve told him as they stopped at the light. “Probably just lost your footing that’s all.”

“Or I just passed out.” Bucky said with a sigh. “Feels like I need to be watched and it’s annoying.”

“So what did Amelia say about it?” Steve asked, his hand squeezing Bucky’s metal one, which he could actually feel. Sometimes it felt like a real damn arm. “I mean if you want to tell that is.”

“That I pushed myself too hard.” He confessed. “I kind of already knew that too. “ He sighed and looked over at him. “She also said I needed to slow and maybe just give my head a rest.” And reluctantly added. “Just like you tried to tell me.”

Steve looked over at him with a look that made Bucky wasn’t to throw something at him. “Is that so?”

“I swear to God Rogers if you say I told you so I’m gonna push you out of the car and drive myself home.”

“You don’t scare me jerk.” Steve said, enjoying himself. “You’re all bark and no bite.”

“I have a hell of a bite smartass.” Bucky growled at him. “And you know it.”

They were just pulling into the garage at that point and Steve just grinned at him as he turned the car off. “You know you’re adorable when your grumpy like this boo bear.”

“Goddammit punk.” Bucky said irritably. “It’s hot and I have a headache.” He went to open the door of the truck. “Don’t push it or I swear-“

Once again, he did not get to finish that thought, as Steve leaned over wrapping his hand around the back of his and kissed him solidly right there in the car. It was amazing how immediately any irritation he had just dissipated like smoke at the touch of his lips to his. It happened every time without fail. His hand relaxed and let go of the car door and he just let himself be kissed, tongues dancing softly together, Steve’s hand fisting his ponytail. The car door hung open partially, that annoying little beep just background noise.

“What were you saying?” Steve asked him teasingly as he pulled away. “I didn’t catch it.”

“I don’t know.” Bucky said honestly, feeling a bit hazy. “I kinda forgot.”

Steve smiled, victorious and then brushed his lips over Bucky’s. “Good.”

“I do kind of have an idea though.” He told him, finally getting his brain unscrambled enough to think. “For your birthday.” He pulled himself a little closer, still ignoring that incessant beep. “Because she did suggest I take a break, right?”

“Oh yeah?” Steve asked, raising an eyebrow. “Do tell.”

Bucky grinned and leaned in. “Later.” He said as their lips met again.

Steve’s hand gripped his hair again and they went back at it. Because even though Bucky acted annoyed when Steve kissed him stupid like that, he wasn’t really. He rather liked that he could do that. Making him stop thinking for a moment. Give his tired mind a rest. So they sat in the car in the garage, making out a little more, just letting all roll off.

The open beep went on for a while, being completely ignored.

\--

They laid on the bed, Bucky’s head resting on Steve’s shoulder. He had one hand on his head and the other trailing over his metal wrist, tracing those well-known segments, feeling where they interlocked. It was quite a beautiful arm and Bucky taken more to letting it be seen and even appreciated. Kids especially seemed fascinated by and Steve had seen Bucky grow more confident about it. Something that made him different. Unique. Instead of something to be ashamed of.

“So how’s your head beautiful?” He asked, fingers gently skating over it. “Feeling any better?”

“A little.” Bucky replied, shifting slightly. “Still throbbing a bit.”

“So what were you gonna tell me earlier?”

“Well I was thinking your birthdays is this week.” Bucky mused, his fingers tapping on Steve’s waist. “How about we go away for the weekend?” He nuzzled his face against Steve’s shirt. “She said I should take a break and all.”

Steve thought about it for a minute, thinking this might not be a bad idea to just take a break. Lord knows they could use some time away. Bucky had been pushing himself hard lately and it was clearly taking its toll. The bump on his head was proof of that.

“Yeah lets do that.” He told him, kissing his head. “Where do you wanna go?”

“It’s your birthday punk.” Bucky said, nuzzling him again. “Surprise me.” He then seemed to raise his eyebrows as if seeing something. “I do have one condition though.”

Steve looked down at him in surprise. “Oh yeah what’s that jerk?”

As if in answer there was a little thump on the bed and there was Arya climbing up onto his chest and laying down to curl up right by Bucky’s arm. Steve smiled and scratched her cute little head.

“Wherever we stay has to accept cats.” Bucky finally answer, smiling himself at their little girl. “Cause she’s coming with us.” He curled his arm up a little and wiggled herself against it cutely. “It’s a family vacation and she’s family.”

Steve knew it was a little more than that. Arya was like emotional support for him and tended to keep him calmer when she was around. And she was a good alert system in case something happened to him when Steve wasn’t right there. She was a godsend in so many and she just had improved their lives ever since she’d walked into their hearts.

“Consider it done.” Steve agreed. “I’ll find a place.”

Bucky fell silent after that and Steve thought he might have fallen asleep. He couldn’t tell by the angle he was at. All he could see was his hair and his face pressed against his chest. He was in fact about to turn the light off and pull the covers over him when he spoke again.

“Steve?” He asked, his voice sounding a little off.

He turned back to him. “What?” He asked, concerned for obvious reasons. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah I was just.. thinking about the last time we went away.” Bucky said quietly. “Didn’t end so well.”

Steve remembered what he was talking about and felt some pain recalling that. How he’d ended up on the bathroom floor with a bloody wrist. He had still been so broken then, so unsettled. Had yet to understand the extent of his problems. But in a way it had been the catalyst that started him on this road to recovery. But he knew he was still haunted by it even now.

“You’ve come a long way since then Buck.” He told him, pressing his lips into his hair. “It won’t be the same.”

“I still feel like a mess.” Bucky replied, pressing his face into Steve’s chest. “My heads still over the place.”

“Well then I have a stipulation of my own then.”

Bucky chuckled against Steve’s chest. “That’s a big word for you.” He teased, lifting his head up, his eyes filled with mirth. “You readin’ Reader’s Digest again?”

“Hilarious.” Steve shot back, giving his hair a playful tug.

“Sorry I couldn’t resist.” Bucky said, angling his head to look up at him. “Do continue.”

“My condition would be that you rest that pretty head of yours while we’re away.” He told him. “You know just relax and have fun?” He pulled his head to his lips and kissed it. “Think you can manage that for a few days jerk?”

Bucky smiled and slid up a little. “Well as long as I got you to.. you know.. distract me.” He teased, brushing his lips over Steve’s. “I think I can manage.”

“Well.” He told him, his fingers sliding through Bucky’s gorgeous brown hair. “As long as you’re cleared by the doctor..” He pulled his lips to his. “I’ll distract you all weekend boo bear.” He ran his other hand over his waist. “Guaranteed.”

He felt the cat get up and move and he smiled against Bucky’s lips turning him onto his back and continuing to kiss him dizzy. He loved that scrambled look he got when he did a particularly good job of it. He had that look now Steve pulled back to look down at him.

“Care to distract me now big guy?” Bucky asked, his hands sliding over Steve’s ass and giving it a playful squeeze. “I mean why wait til the weekend?”

He was tempted. Just looking at him laying like that with his hair spread and that look in his hooded blue eyes and well-kissed lips. His legs were parted on either side of Steve’s. He looked so damn gorgeous, so damn fuckable right now it was maddening. But he saw the bruise and bandage on his head and knew that Bucky would also allow him to fuck him through a wall without care for his own well-being. As much as he wanted, he loved him too damn much to risk it right now.

“Well as tempting as that is..” Steve replied finally, nuzzling Bucky’s neck with his lips. “You’re not cleared for that yet jerk.”

Bucky seemed to pout a little as he looked up at him. “Since when do you play by the rules punk?”

He smiled at him and trailed his fingers over the injured part of Bucky’s head. “Since it’s your health that’s at stake.” He told him and kissed just under the bandage before nuzzling his faced again. “So not til I’m sure your okay you it?”

“Fine..” Bucky sighed, rolling his eyes. “But the minute I’m cleared punk you’re gonna lose those damn pants Captain.” He ran his tongue teasingly over Steve’s lips. “So be warned.”

Steve laughed and pulled his lips to his again.  “If you say so.” He teased and then once again kissed him until he couldn’t breathe anymore. And then kissed him some more. And that was enough for tonight.

Knowing that if everything went right, the weekend would be another thing all together. That it would be well worth the wait and aggravation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I know I said this one would be called something different, that title is going to to the next chapter I promise :)
> 
> This idea of suffering reflection just grew on me, like the harder Bucky pushed the more bruised the WS got was sort of a visual concept.Amelia was right in the sense that he's a refection of Bucky's inner turmoil as well. As they say the worst bruises are usually on the inside, so he is, in a sense reflecting the pain he's still in as well how hard he's pushing himself, almost to a dangerous level. 
> 
> Hitting your head while having a seizure is a very real reality, its one of the dangers of having them. And you really have no conttol over what happens to your body in the moments. This happened as an outward sign of Bucky pushing himself too hard and needing a bit of a reality check in a sense. He wants to fix it so much that he could do more harm to himself then good. As Amelia says your recover is not necessarily a straight shot from one end to the other and sometimes it's painfully slow. So this was essentially about Bucky learning to slow that down have patience with himself. It took a long time to do the damage it may take a while to undo it. 
> 
> I do like caretaker it is fun to write and you know he enjoys, even though he wants Bucky to be independent, we all need care once and awhile. We do need someone to handle us sometimes even if we are pulling at the reins like Bucky is. It's good to know someone is looking out for you. 
> 
> BTW concussions are nothing to joke, especially Level 3 ones. Most people have had minor ones in their lives but if you have symptoms that last longer than 15 minutes (minor) you sould go to the hospital and get checked. Those things can damage brains and have ended the careers of many professional athletes earlier than normal.Some have even died from the long-term effects. There are many sources for symptoms online if you want further information on them. Remember not all of us have brains like Bucky's and we don't heal as fast so just be aware for yourself and others and take care of your head. 
> 
> The next chapter IS going to be called Independence Day and yes we are finally at Steve's birthday and the boys are going away for the weekend for a much needed break before Bucky's therapy really reves up and we get into potential merging. There will be a lot of intensity in those so this is a reason why I'm giving you guys some good fluff and smut, for us as well as our boys. And I should be able to get it before I leave for Florida next week :)
> 
> And thank you to those who commented on this chapter as usual I love all insight and comments and adore all of you thank you <3<3<3


	31. Independence Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> artwork for this chapter on my tumblr

He sat in the car, Arya sleeping on his lap, watching the scenery go by. Once you got out of the city it spread out a bit and there was land, lots of it. The air through the open window was fresh and actually a little cool for a day in early July and Bucky was just lost in his own thoughts, hair pulled back, sunglasses on, just looking like a normal person on car ride.

His thoughts weren’t necessarily normal thought. Because he was wasn’t.

The several days of bedrest following his concussion had given a lot of time to think. Because even though he felt okay enough at some points to do stuff, Steve was very adamant about him following doctors order. Bucky had called him a fudddy duddy and a worry-wort, and tried to wiggle his way out of it several times but Steve was and always would be a stubborn fuck and didn’t fall for any of it. Just like when he was sick or when he was quitting smoking. It annoyed the fuck out of Bucky, but he loved him for it in spite of it.

And the no sex was absolutely killing him, he was horny as hell but Steve had remarkable restraint and kept him at bay at that too. Even with Bucky practically climbing on him half the time, he held off.

“Doctor’s orders Buck.” He’d tell him and Bucky swore to God Steve was enjoying himself with that too. “Not until you’re cleared.”

“Jesus fucking Christ.” He would swear under his breath and turn away, pissed off.

“Aww it’s okay boo bear.” Steve would say in a cutesy voice, wrapping his arms around him from behind. “We can still snuggle.”

God he wanted to smack him sometimes. But he’d grudgingly accept the cuddling just the same.

Per usual he spent his free time overthinking when he should’ve been resting. Telling himself and Steve that he was laying down so it didn’t count. And Steve would just give him that look. “You’re supposed to be taking it easy Buck that means you know.. actually resting.”

He couldn’t help it though. Was trying to think of how he could keep that channel open in his head longer. It wore him out to even try and this time it had hurt him physically. He mulled it over with Wanda when she came to visit, when Steve was out of earshot of course.

“I could help you with it.” She told him, with Arya on her lap. “But I’m worried it would hurt you.” She put a soft glowing hand on the still sore bruise on his head. “You’ve had enough of that already.”

“I know but.” Bucky said softly, closing his eyes at the feeling of her soothing hand on his head. “I trust you.”

She smiled and then looked to make sure Steve wasn’t around before answering. “We’ll talk more about it when you’re better okay?” She told him and added. “With Steve.”

Bucky chuckled knowing the wasn’t going to let him risk himself without consulting Steve first. She was a good friend like that and had his best interests at heart. But he knew she could help him keep that channel open a little more. He needed more time inside in his head to do what he needed to do.

And there was another option too. One that intrigued and frightened him at the same time.

He knew Tony had tech that help him explore his mind better but the very idea of being the same room never mind contacting him was enough to cause a tremor in his fingers and his heart rate to increase.  Basically the start of anxiety attack. Because Tony was still one of his triggers he knew.

Amelia had told him in therapy that facing Tony would be beneficial for him, would help them both get closure regardless of how it turned out. And Bucky knew this was true but it was so hard to overcome the horrible feelings of guilt and self-loathing that came out whenever he got near him. And hard to overcome the memory of losing his arm again and nearly being killed. But a part of him knew he may part of the answer to this problem.

It was just finding the courage he knew. And that was very difficult sometimes.

“What’s on your mind gorgeous?” He heard Steve ask from the driver’s seat. “You’ve been quiet.”

Bucky smiled thinking he wasn’t exactly a chatterbox but Steve seemed to sense his head was somewhere else. But he couldn’t exactly tell him what he was thinking about at the moment because he’d get that look again so he fudged just a little.

“Was thinking there’s a lot of land out here.” He observed to him. “Where are we anyways?”

“Connecticut.” Steve told him with a sly grin. “You know that state next to New York.”

“You know it might’ve been when dinosaurs walked the earth but I did go to school punk.” Bucky teased. He hadn’t actually been to this state before to be honest. “So where are we going in Connecticut?”

“A place called Mystic Seaport.” Steve told him. “It’s pretty nice. It’s quaint and quiet. Had fireworks right over the water and all kinds of good stuff.” He picked up Bucky’s metal arm, which Arya’s leash was connected to. “It’s a good placed to relax.”

“Place where staying takes cats right?” Bucky asked, looking down at the sleeping furball in his lap.

“Or course.” He was reassured. “Was the first thing I checked.”

“Sounds good then.” Bucky agreed and smiled at him a bit knowingly. “That and a sturdy bed is all I require.”

Steve raised an eyebrow at him, getting the point right away. “You got a one track mind sometimes jerk.”

“Well it has been almost 5 days punk.” He replied, hooding his eyes as he looked over at him. “I’m jonesing.”

“That’s not that long Buck.”

“It is for me.” Bucky told him, continuing to give him that look. “I’m in serious withdrawal.” He gave him a pained look. “This is worse than quitting cigarettes.”

He wasn’t exaggerating to much on that. He really was addicted to him. It felt like months instead of days. He was literally aching to be fucked senseless. To feel Steve dominate his body and mind like he was so good at. He was literally dying to feel that pleasure only Steve could give him. Fortunately Steve had had more willpower than him, keeping Bucky’s health in mind following in his concussion. And as frustrating as that was at times, he loved him for it. But he was still horny as all hell and was having a hard time hiding it.

“You’re just gonna have to wait a little longer.” Steve teased him, knowing full well where Bucky was on this right now. “Patience boo bear.”

“Patience my ass.” Bucky grumbled, giving him the hungry look. “I wanna fuck.”

Steve chuckled. “Crude but to the point.” He said and looked over at him. “But just because you’re cleared doesn’t mean I’m gonna slam you into the headboard on the first go round you got that?” He got a serious look and letting his fingers brush Bucky’s still bruised left temple. “So ease down on the accelerator jerk.”

The idea of getting slammed into the headboard highly appealed to Bucky right now, he loved when Steve was aggressive like that, it turned him on something fierce, but he did get what he was saying. Once again appreciating that Steve was still looking out for him and his well-being.  Remembering what this little trip was all about anyways. A break and a little recovery. So he calmed himself for the moment

“Yeah I know.” He said softly, reaching up with this metal hand to touch Steve’s. “It’s just been a long week that’s all.”

“Well that is what we are going here for.” Steve reassured him, entwining his fingers with Bucky’s metal ones. “To relax and get away from that.” He brought those same metal fingers to his lips and kissed them, which Bucky could actually feel.  It was a strangely beautiful sensation causing his eyes to flutter a little. “So I want you do that alright?”

Bucky laid his head back against the seat and just looked over at Steve with what he knew was the sappiest look of adoration on his face, but he just couldn’t help it. He loved him so damn he just couldn’t help but show like that and it was one thing he was even close to ashamed of.

“I’ll try punk.” He told him, their hands still together. “For you.” He smiled softly. “Even if you do drive me crazy sometimes.”

They arrived in Mystic not long after and Bucky had to admit it was nice. He could smell the sea air through the open window, a sweet cool breeze blowing his hair back from his face. There were boats in the water, a lighthouse, and a funky looking bridge and it felt so quaint and calm he couldn’t help but relax, taking it all in as they made their way to the hotel. Which he was observed, was right on the dock.

When they got to their room, he was happy to know he could see the dock from the window. See sailboats in the water and hear that water lapping against the dock. He put Arya down and let her explore while he opened the window and took in the view and just the overall beauty of it all.

He did like being near water. It calmed him.

As he was standing by the window, which was part of the sitting area of a cozy suite, he felt Steve’s arms around him from behind, nuzzling his neck as he looked out of it. It felt perfect and he took in a deep breath of the salty air and closed his eyes, feeling himself start to truly relax.

“You like it gorgeous?” Steve asked in his ear, nuzzling him a little more.

“I love it.” He answered honestly, wrapping his own arms around Steve’s as he was held from behind. “It’s beautiful punk.”

He felt Steve’s hands moved over his stomach, causing his shirt to pull up slightly, his lips right next to his ear. “So you are you.” He whispered into it, his breath tickling it maddingly.

Bucky turned around his arms, unable to help himself and wrapped his arms around his neck, kissing him solidly. “Am I?” He breathed against his lips, feeling one of Steve’s hands snake into his hair. “Tell me more punk.”

He had surprised himself over the last several months by not only acknowledging this praise but actually enjoying it. Eating it up and wanting to hear more. It wasn’t an ego thing as much as it was how Steve made him feel now. There had been a long time when he thought of himself as unattractive and unworthy of these things. Amelia had told him that was born not just out of his disfigurement but also out of his abuse and conditioning. The belief that he wasn’t worthy of anything better than how he was treated by them. Being a thing, a machine, a weapon, nothing more. That it was another way they controlled him. And the idea that Steve still thought he was beautiful and worth more than that was foreign to him at first but now it was filtering in and taking hold. To the point where sometimes he actually believed it.

This was a very liberating feeling for him, and he was starting to embrace it more.

“Well I mean look at you.” Steve whispered, his lips pulling to skim over Bucky’s teasingly. “Those blue eyes.. like the ocean.” He stared into them deeply for a moment. “This hair.” His fingers ran through it reverently. “These lips that I could kiss all day..” He took those again another languid kiss. “And you’re body of course..l et’s not forget that work of art.”

He ran his hands over his shoulder and down his back, sliding one over his ass and giving a soft squeeze, causing Bucky to moan softly and kiss him again, completely turned on by the way he was praising him now.

“And this arm..” Steve whispered to him, running down from the metal shoulder down to the fingers slowly, even more reverently. “Another beautiful part of you.” He entwined his fingers with the metal one and brought his other hand back to his hair again, fisting it softly. “But you know what the most beautiful part of you is?”

Bucky leaned his forehead against his. “What?” He asked, eating it all up like a starving man.

“How strong you are.” Steve told him, holding his head to his. “How brave and good you are.” He stroked his hair softly. “That you’re beautiful inside too.” Their lips met again softly. “I love you so much Buck…every part of you.”

This made him feel so emotional he could barely contain it. Even with his mind broken and split like it was. With unpredictability and his horrible past, that Steve still loved him like he always had. That he hadn’t wavered in any way in spite of it all was still such a revelation to him. He crushed his lips more into his, pulling their hands apart and wrapping them both around him now, feeling Steve pulling him more against him, that hand fisting his hair, turning their head as they kissed deeper.

“I love you too punk.” Bucky breathed against his lips. “So fucking much.”

He felt Steve lift him with the one arm, he was so damn strong sometimes Bucky couldn’t believe he could lift him like that, but he could. He smiled against his lips and let himself be carried to where the bed was. Wanting nothing more than to be loved by him. To put all the stress and confusion from the last week, to indulge in the one thing he was completely sure of. The one constant he’d had in all of the chaos.

His Steve.

“I think we’ll just stay in tonight beautiful.” Steve whispered against his neck as he laid him on the bed. “Just order some room service.” He pulled Bucky’s shirt over his head smiled down at him. “And we can test out this bed.” He nuzzled his neck again, his fingers trailing fire over Bucky’s now heated skin. “We’ve waited long enough.”

“I like the way you think Rogers.” Bucky replied, pulling at Steve’s shirt, badly wanting to get his hands on him too. “I could not agree more.”

They divested each other of every constraint they had regarding clothes and Bucky’s hands were digging into Steve’s hair as attention was lavished on his body. Very talented hands and lips tracing overlines and scars. He moaned thickly as Steve bit down on his hip softly, leaving a sweet mark there as he pushed Bucky’s legs apart further, kneading his inner thighs with those fingers.

“I think I’m gonna spend all night doing this.” Steve said huskily, nuzzling his face into the inner part of one of Bucky’s thighs. “Gotta make up for lost time after all.”

Bucky smiled, feeling slightly victorious. “I thought we were.. gonna…take it easy..” He breathed, his eyes fluttering, feeling Steve’s finger’s start to spread him sweetly.

“I am..” Steve answered, pulling Bucky’s legs over his broad shoulders. “We’re gonna go nice an slow sweetheart.” He gave one of his cheeks a playful nip. “You still got a head injury after all..”

Bucky’s head rolled against the pillow, his metal fingers still in Steve’s hair. “My head.. feels fine punk..” He informed him, his other hand gripping the sheets. “No pain at all.”

“Just relax jerk.” Steve said in a low voice, nuzzling his face right between Bucky’s cheeks deliciously, causing his voice to get muffled. “Enjoy yourself..”

He felt Steve lift his ass right off the bed and proceed to pleasure him, fingers kneading into his ass as he began to feast on him, using those lips and tongue to great effect. Bucky’s eyes rolled in his head, his thighs tightening around Steve’s neck. He opened his eyes, looking at Steve as he pleasured him so intimately. It was such a beautiful turn on to watch him, causing him to moan and whimper with desire.

And Steve took his time like he said he would, and Bucky just lost his mind, feeling those fingers digging into his ass as he was devoured by his lover. As per usual in these moments everything went away, all his doubts and fears about his sanity, everything just vanished into a sea of pleasure he was happy to drown in.

After making him cum beautifully Steve finally released him and put him back down on the bed before sliding up his now sweat-soaked body, continuing to run his hands and his lips and tongue over every square inch of skin. Bucky could feel the cool salty breeze coming in through the window and sounds of water splashing against the deck outside and it was just such beautiful heaven.  He felt Steve bury his face in the scar tissue on his shoulder, his hands stroking over his hips and stomach and nether regions. Just touching him everywhere.

“You’re just so perfect.” He heard Steve whisper against his shoulder, moving those flaps aside to get a little more of his shoulder. “Just… beautiful..”

Finally after a tour of his shoulder and neck he finally got back to Bucky’s lips, taking them in deep kiss, their tongues dancing softly together. He sighed into it, feeling beautiful at that moment. Cherished and loved to the point of bursting. His arms wrapped around Steve’s shoulders and a leg hooked around his thigh, body welcoming.

“Steve..” He moaned against his lips, grinding his hips against him, feeling drunk on this feeling and wanting more. “Please..”

He felt Steve’s hands pull his hips against him and pull his lips away ever so slightly. “As you wish my love.” He whispered against them, their eyes mere inches apart. “My beautiful Bucky.” He pressed into him softly. “Mine..”

And on that word he slid into him and Bucky’s eyes fluttered closed at the sensation. It felt like forever. It always did when they took a break like that. But now he was filled up inside and it felt glorious. He could feel Steve’s hands slide up his body as he held himself there and found his hands, entwining their fingers and pressing them into the bed. Felt his lips on his neck, biting down softly and knew he was right. He was his. Always would be.  Since that first kiss he knew there would never be another.

“Yes..” He breathed, his head rolling back against the pillow to give him more access. “I’m..yours..”

Steve growled softly into his neck and began to moved against him and Bucky lost himself in it. The sounds of the seaport echoing through the window, mingling with the sounds of their love as they started this vacation off properly.

\--

Retraining himself had been hard. Even though he’d told Bucky that 5 days wasn’t that long, truth was he’d felt the same way he did. Wanting so badly to just fuck him into the middle of next week. And he knew Bucky would let him too. But one look at the healing bruise on the left side of his head was all Steve needed to take it easy on the first go round.

Love and concern outweighing the desire to completely possess him.

As it was it was pretty damn good though. With the pillow bunched up behind his head to protect him from the wall and headboard he was able to pump him pretty good and it was thoroughly enjoyable for both, causing cries of pleasure he was sure any boaters could hear on the dock.

Afterward Bucky lay with his metal arm draped over him as well as a leg, and his very mussed hair tickling Steve’s chest. Steve had one hand buried in said hair and the other resting on the strangely warm metal of his forearm as they both lay naked on top of the now messed up bed cover.

“How you feeling?” Steve asked after a while, brushing his lips over the injured forehead.

“Pretty damn good actually.” Bucky mused, those metal fingers doing a sweet trail over Steve’s hip. “Don’t feel a thing.”

“Good.” He replied, wrapping his foot around Bucky’s, entwining them further. “That was the goal.”

Bucky seemed to nuzzle his chest and make a sound that was remarkably like a purr. And speaking of that, Steve could see Arya sitting on the windowsill looking out at the dock. Most likely seeing seagulls and dreaming of catching one. It caused him to smile. He turned slightly to wrap Bucky up a little in his arms, rubbing his hip softly now and feeling those lips of his now nuzzling his neck and even nipping a little here in there.

“This is nice Steve.” He murmured against his neck. “I’m glad we came.”

“Yeah me too.” Steve agreed, kissing his head again. “You needed a break.”

With all the strain Bucky had put himself under over the last couple of weeks, trying to fix himself and delving into parts of his mind that Steve knew were painful, had taken a toll on him. It had caused the accident in the first place. He wanted him to rest and not think too much on that for now. Knowing it was impossible to completely forget about. Especially if he had a nightmare or the Winter Soldier came out. But as far as the rest, he was going to monitor him carefully until he was sure he was in the clear. Feeling that protectiveness over him even though he knew he was strong and could take care of himself. But he was at a delicate point in his recovery and Steve was going to make damn sure he didn’t suffer anymore unnecessary damage to himself.

Steve felt Bucky dozing and figured it was time get some food so he called up the room service, and scheduled something to be delivered. He then put his hand on his face and softly roused him, seeing those beautiful teal colored eyes flutter open.

“What?” He asked sleepily, tightening his arm around Steve’s waist.

“It’s almost time for supper jerk.” He told him, kissing his nose playfully. “I gotta feed you after all.”

Bucky seemed to look up, scanning the room for the clock. His hair was a messed and he had that bleary look, and Steve thought at that moment he was just adorable. “Is it here?” He asked, blinking at Steve. “Do I have to get dressed?”

“Not at all.” Steve told him, brushing some of that hair from his face. “Just put a blanket on.” He smiled at Bucky as he looked him up and down. “I will have to though.. can’t answer the door like this after all.”

“Damn straight punk.” Bucky said with a hint of possessiveness in his voice that Steve loved. “No one gets to see that dick but me.” He gave Steve a saucy look. “I don’t like to share.”

Steve chuckled and pulled his lips to his. “That makes two of us jerk.” He whispered against his lips, letting his hand slide over Bucky’s bare hip. “So we gotta cover you too.”

He found the comforter they’d kicked around a bit and pulled it over him, covering him from the waist down. Bucky laid his head on his flesh arm, metal one draped over the covers. His eyes were hooded with those dark lashes partially covering those brilliant irises, brown hair in beautiful disarray and his lips just begging to be kissed again. Looking beautifully enticing with the lower half of his body covered. Oh he was not done with him tonight that was for damn sure.

“It’s a damn shame.” Bucky said resignedly watching Steve put his pants on.

Steve raised his eyebrow at him as he buttoned them. “What?” he asked, knowing full well the answer to that.

“Covering that body with clothes.” Bucky mused, eyeing him up and down. “I mean seriously.. God Bless America.”

Unable to help himself Steve leaned over him on the bed, letting his hook his fingers through his belt loops to pull him to him. “Well once we eat they’re coming right off jerk.” He whispered to him as their lips met. “it’s only temporary.”

Bucky sat up, leaning back on his hands and giving him that hooded eye look. “It better be Rogers.” He told him, biting his lip, his eyes crawling all over him hungrily again.

It was all he could do not just tug them right off and slide back under the cover with him to get his hands all over that beautiful body again. But it could wait a little longer. But that didn’t mean he wasn’t going to thoroughly kiss him though. Let him anticipate it more.  Although he had to say hearing him moan against his lips as their tongues moved together made it very goddamn difficult, causing him to fist his hair and pull him closer to him.

The knock on the door a few minutes later interrupted that little make-out session. “Hold that thought.” Steve said to him as he pulled his lips away. “To be continue..”

He saw a grin spread across Bucky’s well-kissed lips as he laid back on his arm. “Counting on it punk.” He sassed back as Steve went to the door to get the food.

When it brought it over, he used the tray and set it on Bucky’s lap as he sat up, admiring the food with very hungry eyes. It was a baked halibut with this sweet tarter sauce that smelled ridiculously good. Along with some mashed potatoes and steamed veggies. And a nice bottle of wine. Not that either of them could get really drunk but it was possible to get a little buzz on and this was fully about enjoying themselves.

“Holy shit this looks good.” Bucky said in admiration, ready to dig in. “I’ll bet it’s fresh too.”

“Sure is.” Steve informed him. “They told me it was just caught this morning so eat up gorgeous.”

Bucky grinned up at him and watched as he sat down behind him, putting his hands on Bucky’s bare waist and nuzzled the back of his neck. “You’re spoiling me punk.” He told him, looking back at him. “I kind of like it.”

Steve smiled and kissed his shoulder. “You deserve it jerk.”

“Just so you know though.” Bucky informed him as he dug into the fish. “I’m spoiling you tomorrow cause it’s your damn birthday.”

Steve grinned against his neck and used the other fork to eat some of the veggies, because Bucky was so focused on the fish for the moment. “Whatever you want boo bear.” He whispered in his ear, rubbing his waist with his hands. “Go nuts.”

He continued to brush his gorgeous brown hair with his fingers, sort of combing it out and smoothing it away from his face as he ate. He was happy to spoil him tonight. And let him to whatever he wanted to do for him tomorrow as well. He wanted him to just enjoy himself this weekend and it seemed to be starting off on the right foot. There was even a cute moment when Arya came up on the bed as wanting some of that fish too, and there was, in fact and extra fork. Steve had requested it for this very purpose, knowing Bucky would want to give her some too.

“Looks like Daddy was thinking of you too little darlin’” Bucky said warmly, cutting off a piece of the fish to give to their little girl, who devoured it off the fork. “It’s good isn’t it?” He saw Arya lick her little whiskers and Steve swore she was smiling. “Daddy takes good care of us doesn’t he?”

“Because he loves you both.” Steve whispered in Bucky’s ear and nuzzled his neck again. “He likes taking care of you.”

He reached over and pulled the wine bottle out of the ice on the tray next to the bed and popped the cork, seeing the cute way Arya’s ears briefly twitched before going back to being fed more fish. He poured some into each of the glasses and handed Bucky one, who put his fork down to pick it up.

“Care to toasts?” He asked Bucky, holding it up.

Bucky looked over his shoulder at him questioningly. “To what?”

“To us.” He said softly to him, his other hand brushing his hair again. “Because we’re still here.”

Bucky smiled at him softly. “Yes we are.”

They drank their wine at the same time and kissed softly, and Steve could taste it on his lips. A nice Mesquato that went perfectly with the over the shoulder kiss. Steve held Bucky’s lips to his for a moment longer, savoring it before letting him go and smiled at the dreamy look in his eyes.  

“You better finish your dinner gorgeous.” He told him, directing him to his food. “Someone’s eyeballing it.”

Arya had her face on the edge of the plate, looking at them innocently with her green eyes. “Don’t worry love.” He heard Bucky tell her, cutting up some more fish. “You’ll get more I promise.”

He demolished most of it, saving the extra scraps for the little hungry cat to finish up.  Leaning over, Bucky then placed the platter on the table Steve had slid closer to the bed. As he did it, Steve got a nice view of that gorgeous ass of his in all its glory, causing him to grin. Bucky noticed this over his shoulder and smirked himself wiggling it a little at him teasingly.

“Like what you see Rogers?” He asked over his shoulder.

“Sure do.” Steve told him, with a slight growl in his voice. “Maybe you should bring it back over here Sergeant Barnes.” He slid his hands over his hips and pulled him back to him to him gently. “Captain’s orders…”

Bucky got that look in his eyes that drove Steve crazy as he was pulled back to him. “Oooh pulling rank eh punk?” He teased, starting to turn around. “I like it.”

He turned around completely and straddled Steve’s legs, letting the covers fall completely off. Steve growled a little more and got a hold of that ass with both hands, pulling him right to him, until their faces were pressed right against each other. He squeezed his ass aggressively, causing Bucky moan and drag his lips across Steve’s, his tongue skating over them teasingly.

“Damn straight.” Steve whispered against his lips before taking them again. “I out rank you.”

“I think I want some more wine” Bucky told him, pulling his lips away and reaching for the bottle. “I’m thirsty.” He poured the wine into the glass without even looking at it. “How about you Captain?”

He was thirsty for more than just wine, giving his ass another squeeze before taking the glass from the table. “Oh yeah very much so.” He told him and put it to his lips. “What should we toast to this time?”

“To how much I love you punk.” Bucky said seriously, and down his glass. “How about that?”

Steve smiled and brushed some that errant hair back before downing his own glass. “And how much I love you jerk.”

Buck grabbed his face, still straddling him and kissed deeply, letting his hands wrap around him again, pulling his body to him. He could once again taste the wine on his lips and moaned softly against them. Wanting him again and knowing he was going to have him. Was going to ravish him all over again. Quite possibly spend all weekend doing it when they weren’t out.

He felt Bucky pull back, biting down on his lower lips briefly before grabbing the wine bottle and putting it to his lips. Then throwing his head back he down even more of it. Just watching his throat bob as he swallowed it was an incredible turn on. He watched as he finished what was left and put the bottle on the table, looking at Steve with hooded eyes. With just a hint of a buzz in them.

“And I just drank to getting those pants off punk.” He purred leaning into him. “Cause I want that damn dick again.” His hands reached down and tugged on Steve’s pants. “I can’t get enough.”

Steve felt even more stirred by the tone in his voice and fisted his hair again, crushing their lips together, feeling him tug harder on those pants, yanking them between his legs and off. He then felt Bucky’s metal fingers skating over his chest and stroking him softly, winding him up further.  Oh that felt so damn good and they kissed deeper, his fingers tightening in Bucky’s hair, practically swallowing his tongue in the process.

Eventually coming up for air he lifted his eyes to his head, the healing bruise barely hidden under his hair. Before getting lost in his passion for him again, Steve pulled his head to him and kissed it softly, letting his fingers flex more in his hair before pulling away to stare up at him for a moment longer.

“It’s fine Steve.” Bucky whispered to him, lifting his flesh hand to his face, the metal one resuming its maddening stroke. “I’m not feeling any pain right now.” He smiled lean his head against Steve’s.  “I just feel is you..”

He then let him go and pulled himself more onto his lap, positioning himself and Steve gripped his hips pulling him onto him.  And then slid slowly into him, watching his head fall as he took him in. Steve let himself slide down onto his back and held onto Bucky’s hips as he sat about him in all his beautiful glory.

Bucky leaned over him, his hands on Steve’s chest as he rode him, metal fingers scraping his skin, causing Steve to groan at the sensation of it.  Keeping one hand around his back, holding him down he snaked the other up his back and gripped his hair, looking into his blue eyes and seeing nothing but passion and happiness. And a little bit of a lovely buzz from the wine. Seeing them clear for now. Not clouded just living in the moment and it was so beautiful. Such a calm in the storm.

“You’re so damn beautiful.” He told him, never wanting to stop telling him ever. “I love you so much.”

He lost himself in for the rest of the night. Making love until they both passed out, curled up happily in each other’s arms.

\--

Bucky woke up before Steve did that morning, for once not from a nightmare. In fact he was pretty damn sure he’d slept through the night. The wine had helped.  Getting laid several times had also helped as well. The waiting had been well worth it he thought. He smiled to himself thinking that had been a great night and knew they had more coming.

He could hear the water lapping against the dock outside and some boat horns. Just the general sounds of a busy dock. And the sea air through the open was just so refreshing he couldn’t help but feel relaxed and calm.

He liked it here already.

Today was Steve’s birthday and he had to get a few things ready before he woke up. He smiled at Arya, who was curled up next to them and gave her a scratch on the head. “We gotta plan some birthday stuff little darlin’” He told her. “Cover for me okay?”

He grabbed his cell phone and took it to the bathroom, making a call. One of them to room service for breakfast. Steve had always made breakfast and Bucky wanted to treat him. He then threw on a t-shirt and a pair of jeans and grabbed the room key, making his usual quiet exit, into smoke as Steve liked to griped sometimes, and went to talk the girl at the front desk. And was not oblivious to the fact that she was crushing on him as they talked about things to do in the area. She gave him the information with maybe more enthusiasm than she would a different person, showing him all kinds of awesome things to do.

“Thanks doll.” He told her, giving her his most winning smile and could swear she just about collapsed from the swoon. It was cute and it made him feel good in a way he hadn’t in a long time. “See ya around.”

It didn’t even occur until Steve pointed it out later that this was another huge sign of progress. He was too damn focused n his goal to notice.

Once he was done he went back to the room and climbed back into bed and leaned over him, brushing his lips over his and smiling as he stirred under the blankets. Then opened his sky-blue eyes and smiled up at Bucky brilliantly before grabbing him and kissing him solidly, pulling him down onto the bed. Bucky grinned against his lips , feeling Steve’s hand run through his hair.

“Good morning beautiful.” He whispered against his lips. “Sleep well?”

“Like a baby.” He replied and then grinned at him. “Happy Birthday punk.” He brushed his lips over his. “got some plans for you today.”

Steve looked surprised. “Do you now?” He asked, sliding his hand over Bucky’s thigh. “When did you do that?”

“While you were snoring away all satisfied with yourself. “He told him, sitting up a little. “Arya was my lookout weren’t you darlin’?”

Arya looked up at them and yawned as if confirming this.

“I see how it is.” Steve told him, wrapping his hands around Bucky’s waist. “You two conspiring against me like that.” He then flipped Bucky onto his back, eliciting a laugh as he did so. “So sneaky.. guees I gotta keep my eye on you.”

“Yeah we’re nothing but trouble punk.” Bucky teased as he lay under him. “Can’t turn your back on us for a second..”

Steve leaned in kissed him then and it might’ve had turned into something more if it hadn’t been for room service showing up at that exact moment. Bucky pulled his lips away and grinned up at him.

“Surprise number one.” He teased, pulling himself out from under him. “Breakfast.”

Bucky felt a sense of accomplishment at knowing he’d planned a few things. That he’d surprised Steve by doing it too. It felt good to do it. To step out of his comfort zone once again and to spoil Steve now. But the truth was, if anyone pulled Bucky out of his shell and pushed to try harder it was his beautiful blonde idiot and he owed him everything. So he was going to treat him today.

He brought in the cart as Steve sat up in bed and smiled at this. What he opened was an array of breakfast foods. Everything from pancakes, to sausage, eggs and French toast. There was also bacon, the smell of it which still made Bucky feel a bit queasy but he put up with it because he knew Steve loved it.  There was also coffee and orange juice as well and Bucky smiled proudly as Steve got up and envied it.

“Damn Buck you got everything.” He observed as he went to get some of it. “It’s like a buffet.”

“Sure is punk.” He said and then slapped his hand. “Now sit down and let me get it for you birthday boy.” He took the plate and the tongs and looked back at him. “Now what do you want?”

“Buck I can get it myself you know.”

“I’m not hearing that you idiot it’s your damn birthday.” He told him adamantly. “Let you me spoil you.”

“Fine.” Steve said with a shake of the head. “If it means that much to you Buck.”

It did. Steve had no idea how much it did. After all the ways Steve had taken care of him it felt nice to return the favor. Satisfying. And it just felt good to be normal and take a damn break from the chaos in his head and just, well do this. So he got him a little of everything and even put aside a plate of chopped up bacon and sausage for Arya and put it on the floor for her to wolf down as well.

“So.” Steve asked with a mouthful of bacon. “What else you got planned today jerk?”

Bucky smiled, stuffing some yolk-soaked toast in his mouth. “If I told you it wouldn’t’ be a surprise now would it?”

They actually ate quite a bit of it, and Arya got her fair share too, she was a spoiled little cat and never missed an extra meal. Finishing getting dressed Bucky actually packed a few snacks and drinks, not telling Steve why he was doing it. It was part of the plan for today. They made sure that Arya was all set because they couldn’t take her where there were going today.

“Gotta leave ya here today little darlin’” He told her as she sat in the window. “Got the place to yourself.”

She rubbed her little face against Bucky’s hand and petted her before they left. They put a ‘do not disturb ‘ sign on the door specifically for her because she wasn’t big on strangers.

He had a blanket slung over his arm and the cooler under it as they got in the elevator when suddenly he had an idea. He put the cooler down and leaned against the railing, grinning at Steve. “Hey birthday boy.” He said with a seductive tone. “Come on over for a sec will ya?”

Steve smiled back at him and walked over, snaking an arm around his waist. “Yes beautiful.” He asked, nuzzling his neck just behind his ear. “What can I do for you?”

“Just this.” He whispered, snaking his hands into Steve’s back pockets. “Lets see how much we can do before the door opens..”

He saw Steve actually smile knowingly, getting more adventurous himself these days. His hair was gripped and his lips were smothered as he was pushed back against the wall of the elevator as it went down. Bucky then grinned against his lips, pulling his hand briefly out of Steve’s pocket to hit a button that stopped it mid-floor.

“What are you up to jerk?” Steve growled against his lips, pressing him a little more into the wall.

“No good.” Bucky replied, his hand back in Steve’s pockets and squeezing his ass playfully. “Care to join me punk?”

Steve didn’t answer just smothered his lips again pressing him more against the wall of the elevator. Actually lifting him a little so that his lower legs wrapped around Steve’s calves and his ass was pressing against the lean bar. It was quite fun, this clandestine make-out session right there in the stopped elevator. Steve even sucked a new mark into Bucky’s neck as he gripped his ass hard through his jeans.

It was just so much damn fun, soft moans and hitching giggles being caught by the others lips as they had a little fun at the expense of anyone waiting for this particular elevator.

When they finally pulled apart, gasping for air, it had been a least 10 minutes and they had to get it started before emergency was called. Bucky was still chuckling as Steve put him back down on the floor. He grinned at him and nuzzled his nose playfully.

“Thanks punk.” He told him, his arms around his neck. “That was fun.”

“Sure was. “ Steve replied, brushing his hair back with his fingers. “Should do that more often.”

Bucky just grinned, getting ideas. “Maybe.”

He still needed a moment, because for some reason just fooling around like that in the elevator was such a damn rush he was out of breath. He’d been doing a lot more stuff like this over the last few months. Sort of testing himself and expanding his comfort zones and he was really starting to enjoy the exhilaration of publicly displaying affection. Maybe because when they were young they’d had to hid it for so long.

Leaning his head against Steve he hit the button and the elevator resumed it’s downward trek. He gave Steve one more playful kiss before they pulled apart and resumed their original positions in the elevator. And when the door open he kept a neutral face. As much as the possibly could that was, for the people waiting for it.

“Elevator got stuck.” Steve said, quick on his feet as they exited. “Watch out for that.”

Bucky grinned and waved at the girl at the deck, giving her a wink. “Yeah they really should get that fixed.” He added as they walked across the lobby. “Very inconvenient.”

Steve laughed and put his arm around Bucky’s back loosely and they walked out the car to continue on with the day. It was already starting off quite nicely.

\--

Steve wasn’t sure where Bucky was directing him to today but he was definitely enjoying it so far. Their little spontaneous make-out session in the elevator had surprised him at first but it was perfect. And Bucky was just so happy today. Since they’d gotten out of the city he’d started relaxing again. Steve wasn’t sure if it was the fresh air or just getting away but whatever it was nice to see.

He was under no illusions that it would last. Sooner or later he’d have to go beck to that deep, painful therapy but for now he was grateful to just see him like this. Just enjoying himself.

“So where are we going?” Steve asked as Bucky gave him directions from his phone. “Gonna tell me yet?”

“Nope.” Bucky answered. “You ‘ll see in a minute punk..”

They were walking because it was a nice day and according to Bucky the places they were going weren’t far so why waste gas. Steve had his arm around him as he looking down at his phone, and then looked up and apparently found what he was looking for.

“It’s right there.” He told Steve. “See?”

What Steve saw was a very large boat, looking almost like a pirate ship. “A boat?” He asked as they walked closer. “A big boat.”

“Yup.” Bucky said, sliding his arm Steve. “It’s called Schooner Argia and it takes you all over the Sound apparently. “ He held up the cooler and the blanket. “And it stops at one of the bigger islands where you can have picnic lunch.” He smiled up  Steve and squeezed his waist with his metal arm. “And we got it pretty much to ourselves today cause everyone is at the festival.”

“You planned this?” He asked, admiring the look of the boat.

“Well it was suggested by the girl at the desk.” Bucky told him as they walked over to it. “Said it’s kind of touristy but very cool and very romantic.” He winked at him. “She was very helpful.”

Steve smirked at him. “Well she does have crush on you so of course she was.”

“Did she?” Bucky mused as they walked up the ramp. “I didn’t notice.”

“Sure you didn’t.” Steve told him, entwining their fingers together as they boarded. “I don’t blame her though.. you are quite a dish.”

The boat ride was nice, just being out in the salty air. They saw lighthouses and a really interesting drawbridge that they went through. Called the Bascule it was apparently well known as being a unique style. During this trip they actually went by their hotel and Bucky swore he saw Arya in one of the windows. Steve just put his arms around him from behind and chuckled, nuzzling his neck as his hair blew in his face.

Steve rather liked doing things like this. Quiet things instead of some of the gaudy stuff Tony was into. Going to places like Coney and Rockaway and places like here where you did normal, tourist things. And he knew Bucky preferred it too. To not be in the city for the 4th because he wasn’t big on crowds. Not anymore at least. This felt quiet and safe. Steve knew it was far away from horrors in his mind, that nothing here reminded him of any of that and to him that was a perfect way to spend his birthday.

With the love of his life looking peaceful and happy. Even if it was temporary. It was a preview of things to come.

“This is nice Buck.” He whispered into his ear as they stood not far from the bow. “A great idea.”

Bucky smiled and turned around, looping his arms around Steve and nuzzling their noses together quite openly. “I’m glad.” He whispered softly. “We still got a ways to go.”

Steve lifted his hands to his face and looked into his eyes as the wind blew his hair around his finger. He could see the calmness in his eyes and was happy for it. His mind was quiet, allowing him to enjoy himself for a time. He pressed his lips to the bruise that was just starting to change colors. And then kissed his lips softly, feeling him smile against his lips.

“Can’t wait to see what’s next jerk.” He whispered against his lips. “I hope its just like this.”

Bucky chuckled as he stood in his arms. “What salty and wind-blown?”

“Perfect.” He told him, nuzzling their noses again.

The boat docked on at an island and they found a nice spot with a view of the marina. Spreading a blanket they sat down together and ate lunch under a very clear blue sky. Steve took another moment to take in the sight of Bucky in a well-fitting white t-shirt and jeans. He had his shoes off and buried into the grass. His sunglasses were pushed up over his wind-blown hair and his face had color. He wasn’t pale anymore, now that he was spending more time outside. He looked healthy again, not exhausted and wary.

“You keep starting at me punk.” Bucky observed, leaning back on the blanket somewhat provocatively. “I’m gonna get self-conscious. “

Steve just smiled at him and leaned over, rubbing his nose against his. “Well I see perfection I can’t help but stare.”

“You are such a cornball.” Bucky replied, rolling his eyes but snagging his fingers in Steve’s shirt just the same. “What am I gonna do with you?”

Steve put his hand on his face and kissed him softly right on the island on the marina, thinking this was another perfect moment to commit to memory.

Later when they departed the boat, Bucky had another destination in mind, within walking distance. It caused them to walk through Old Mystic Village and eventually downtown where eventually arrived in front of a building that made Steve smile broadly, snaking his arm around Bucky again.

It was the Aquarium.

When they were young, and could afford to go the zoo, the aquatic animals had been some of Steve’s favorites. Especially penguins and the trained sea lions. As a kid he’d loved tossing fish to them and apparently you could do that here.

“It’s one of the best ones in the area.” Bucky said, seeing the smile on Steve’s face. “Figured why not?”

“It’s great Buck.” He told him honestly. “Can’t think of a better way to spend my birthday then exploring with you.”

“Alright then punk.” Bucky replied, taking his hand as they went inside. “Let’s go see some penguins.”

He did have a great time h ere too. You could actually pet some of the animals. And you could feed those hungry sea lions. And with both of them and their good aim, those adorable fuckers ate good. They spent a lot of time watching the penguins waddle around and then parking themselves in frontof the massive fish tank, watching them swim around. It was pretty relaxing in of itself. Broken up by seeing up an occasional small shark.

Steve looked over at Bucky, who was watching this intently. He could still see that ugly bruise on his forehead, especially with his sunglasses pulled back. He put his hand out and touched it softly, causing him to look over at Steve. It was one of the few times that day he looked slightly troubled when he did.

“It doesn’t hurt.” He told him, smiling in that way that didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Not anymore.”

“I know Buck .”  He said softly, having seen a slight wince to indicate that it did, but he didn’t push it. “I know.”

For the moment he was thinking about Bucky’s words about it _I’ve had worse_. It hurt him to think that because he knew it was true. Thinking about all the pain he’d been through. How much he’d been hurt and no one had been there to care for him during it. All those painful nights alone nursing injuries that been inflicted by uncaring hands. Seeing him now, here after all that, being so strong in the face of all it and getting back into the world like he was, filled him with love and pride, because he wasn’t even all the way there yet, but his resilience was so inspiring and beautiful.

He put his arm around him and softly kissed that injured part of his head as they watched the fish swim around for a while in their calm, peaceful way for a while longer.

\--

They had taken in a show or maybe two at the Mystic Aquarium, and hadn’t escaped without a few souvenirs, including a couple of stuff animals that Bucky stuffed in the cooler after they’d removed it from the locker. Musing that they’d need a shelf for this shit when they got home.

“It’s so cute though Buck look.” Steve told him, waving a stuffed penguin in his face.

Bucky rolled his eyes, even though it was cute he had to admit. “It’s your birthday punk I’ll indulge you.” He told him, putting that and a dopey looking sea lion in the cooler for easy storage. “You are an overgrown child though just saying.”

“But you love me.” He said to Bucky, sweetly brushing that errand strand away from his face and then leaned over to whisper in his ear so no one could hear. “Don’t you boo bear?”

Bucky tried to hide just how much that the sweet whisper of endearment affected him. “Yes I do.” He told him, rolling his eyes in an exaggerated way. “Unfortunately I do.”

With the cooler now packed again and the blanket folded on top of it, they head off for the next destination. A good place to watch the fireworks, which were done over the river in the next town over. The nice girl at the desk told him the best spot. A nice place where they could be alone, because Bucky was still not big on crowds. And wanted his blonde punk to himself tonight.

But he still wanted to give him fireworks. That didn’t change.

So they found a place on a hill to put the blanket down. Far enough away from everyone for privacy but with a good vantage point.

“Here you go punk.” Bucky said with a big grin as they put the blanket down. “Best seat in town.”

Steve slid his arm around him and gave him a teasing kiss. “Just like on the roof right?”

Bucky’s mind drifted a little, thinking of that night, 85 years ago today. His forever safe place. Up on the roof with the love of his life. Still a perfect memory he never wanted to lose again.

“Yeah just like that.” He whispered to him, returning the sweet kiss. “Happy birthday punk.”

They laid back on the blanket and watched as the fireworks started over the water. Bucky watched Steve, who even to this day loved them just a damn kid. They reflected off his eyes like they did that night on the roof and Bucky was mesmerized by it like he was then. Seeing the different colors reflecting his beautiful eyes. He’d remembered it so much he’d been able to paint it from memory and it was still his favorite. Because unlike the other ones it was a happy memory.

And he felt like he was making more of those right here on this day. 85 years to the day when he first kissed him.

“This is a great spot.” Steve opined with the biggest grin on his face. “How’d you know about it?”

“Same way I knew about the boat.” Bucky said as he popped a potato chip in his mouth. “The cute girl at the desk told me.” He smirked to himself. “All I had to do was smile at her and she spilled the best spot.”

“Some things never change.” He heard Steve say, shaking his head. “Still got a way with the ladies.”

“Oh my God are you jealous Rogers?” He asked him, feeding him a chip teasingly. “That’s adorable.”

Steve scoffed at him, looking away from the fireworks going off over the river. “No.” He responded. “Of course not.”

Bucky found this extremely amusing and turned on his hips, sidling up to him, wrapping his arm around his waist and nibbling on his neck a little. “I don’t know seemed like you are.” He whispered in his ear. “You got that tone in your voice like you did when we were kids.”

Steve turned his head to look at him and Bucky was amused to see that old look. That irritated one he’d gotten whenever he’d flirt with a girl when he was around. There was a point in their history when they weren’t sure about things and Bucky was not immune to female charms. He still liked them even now, even though he was very taken. But Bucky hadn’t at the time noticed Steve’s hidden jealously that he hid behind irritation and snark whenever Bucky managed to get himself a date simply by pouring on charm and flashing that smile. He got it now. Knew exactly what it was once they’d started their clandestine relationship.

The fact that he still saw it now amused him greatly. Making him want to explore this as they sat there on the hill.

“She’s just a kid Steve.” Bucky said with a tiny bit more seriousness. “I was just having a little fun and getting a little info is all.” He kissed the side of his neck. “You got nothing to worry about cause I only got eyes for you punk.”

Steve turned to him, wrapping an arm around him to pull him closer. “I know jerk.” He said, pulling him more onto his lap. “You used to be really good at that. You had so much confidence in yourself.” He brushed his warm lips against Bucky’s causing him to sigh softly. “It’s something they took from you. Your confidence in yourself and maybe.. it’s starting to come back.”

He blinked up at him, a little surprised. “You think so?”

“Yeah.” Steve answered, watching a red, white and blue firework explode in the sky in front of them. “You made all those arrangements on your own. And you flirted with her without even thinking about it.”  He looked back at Bucky, his hand reaching up to cup his face. “I’m not jealous Buck.. I’m proud.”

He thought about it and realized Steve was right. That was just one of several things he’d done without thinking about it. Running off in the hospital, even though he’d done it for avoidance reasons, he’d gone off by himself. In a damn hospital. Today he’d gone downstairs and charmed information out of a desk clerk like it was nothing. He’d done them without even thinking about it. Motivated by factors like fear in the former case and wanting to take care of Steve in the latter case. In fact his motivation for taking a lot of the steps he’d taken had a lot to with Steve. And he hadn’t even notice them until Steve had just pointed it out to him now.

Steve’s belief in him was giving him confidence in himself again. and it was like a revelation.

Smiling to himself he pulled back from Steve and then proceeded to tackle him down to the blanket, kissing him soundly, his legs straddling him, grinning against his lips. “I still think you’re a little jealous Rogers.” He breathed against his lips, feeling Steve’s hands on his hip and grinding them a little against him. “And I like it.”

“Of course I am.” Steve said in a low, husky voice. “Cause you’re mine gorgeous.” His hands gripped his hips a little tighter, holding him against him. “And I don’t like to share either.”

Bucky grinned devilishly, loving that possessiveness he had sometimes. “I sure am punk.” He told him, leaning over him more. “And it’s your birthday..” He caught his lips again. “You can have whatever you want.”

“I know what I want.” Steve growled to him, his lips finding Bucky’s neck. “Same thing I’ve always wanted.” His hand wrapped around his head and gripped his hair. “You…only you.”

He then felt Steve wrap his other arm around his back and turn him onto his back on the blanket They kissed deeply, fiercely, Bucky’s arms wrapping around Steve’s back as he was pressed into the blanket. Off in the distance the fireworks started to increase, building to their eventual grand finale, the sounds of them and the cheers from the people below background noise.  The lit up the sky around them in beautiful colors, and Bucky was overwhelmed by the feeling he was feeling, his hand wrapping around Steve’s head and his leg doing the same on his thigh, their lips still fastened in a deep kiss.

“Steve.” He murmured as he pulled away, looking up at him almost drunkenly. “It was 85 years ago today when I first kissed you.”

“I know.” Steve whispered to him, his hands pushing up Bucky’s shirt a little. “That was a hell of a birthday present Buck.” His lips brushed Bucky’s again. “My favorite one.”

Bucky smiled and pulled him back down to kiss him deeply again, pulling at his shirt, wanting to make love right here, right now as the fireworks exploded in the sky behind them. “I’m your present now punk.” He breathed against his lips. “Unwrap me.”

He felt Steve grip the hem of his shirt, pulling up more, before yanking it over his head and tossing it aside. “Oh sweetheart.” Steve growled in his ear. “It would be a pleasure.”

It wasn’t’ long before they were undressed on the blanket, in the cool night air as the grand finale finally started behind them, Bucky’s legs wrapped around Steve’s thighs, metal hand gripping Steve’s hair, the other on  his ass, pulling him more against him as pushed into him hard. Claiming him as his once again.

It was as far away from the horrors he’d experienced as he’d ever been, and he held onto that, making a brand new memory to take with him into the dark. The dark he knew he would have to go back to if he was ever going to get better.

But for now, he was living in the light the fireworks created. The perfection of the day.

\--

They walked hand in hand back to the hotel, the cooler in Bucky’s hand and the blanket over Steve’s shoulder. There were other people around, walking or running by. Kids with fireworks. Just people enjoying the night. They barely noticed them, constantly looking at each other with that look of two people so much in love that at the moment the outside world ceased to exist.

To Steve at that moment, Bucky looked do damn beautiful. His face flushed,  wind-blown pulled back in a loose ponytail, clothing looking rumpled. And that look in his eyes that showed so much love and peacefulness. He felt such love and desire just looking at him. Remembering the way they’d made love on the hill during the fireworks and wanting nothing more than to get him back to their room and continuing to ravish until they were spent. And he fully planned to do so. They had the rest of the weekend after all.

“What?” Bucky asked as he turned to him on the dock, eyes shining under the low light of the outdoor lamps. “You’re staring again.”

Steve snaked an arm around him, pressing their faces together. “Just love you that’s all.”

“You’re so sappy.” Bucky said with a look of mirth. “But I love you too punk.” His free hand went to Steve’s face. “I love my sappy idiot.”

They kissed right there, not caring in the slightest that they were out in public. They were alive and in love and not afraid to show it anymore. Steve could feel Bucky’s strangely warm metal fingers on his face as they did so and loved the unique feeling of it, the way the segments moved as the fingers flexed. It made him want to run his hand allover it and he fully planned to do that when they got back.

When the finally pulled apart from each other, Bucky seemed to stare at him for a moment, as if getting his thoughts together. Once again looking slightly scrambled to Steve’s amusement before seemingly getting his head back together.

“How about we get some supper?” Bucky suggested, his arm still wrapped around Steve’s waist. “There’s a good place not far from here.” He then pulled away taking his hand teasingly. “I need some food before you start ravishing me again Rogers.”

The fact that Bucky knew exactly what he was thinking was amusing to Steve, and he took his metal hand, kissing the palm. “Sounds good to me.” Steve told him, looking at him over the tops of his fingers. “You are going to need the energy after all..”

Bucky’s eyes glinted as they let their fingers entwine together, Bucky’s metal one in Steve’s. “I’m holding you to that punk.”

They strolled down to the old Mystic Village and found the place Bucky was talking about. It was a local pizza place that apparently was famous because someone made a movie about it a while back. In fact there was posters on the wall from that movie, called ‘Mystic Pizza’ which had apparently starred Julia Roberts. It was also the name of the place as well. Nothing fancy but damn did the pizza smell good to Steve.

Bucky had made a quick phone call while they were waiting for their pizzas, being discreet about what it was. “Had to do one more thing.” He explained as they sat down. “Just to top it off.”

They got the pizza and it was delicious he had to admit. The fact that it wasn’t a fancy meal but something that suited them was just perfect. The day had been wonderful, almost flawless. Bucky had picked just the right activities, ones that were touristy and public but also with just the right amount of personal privacy as well. It was after all about spending time together and relaxing if that was the goal then they accomplished it.

Taking the rest of the pizza to go, because it was just too damn good to waste, with its perfect amount of cheese and sauce, the were finally making their way back to the hotel. Steve felt tired in the best way possible. But not too tired. Because the damn nigh wasn’t over yet.

Once they got in and put everything down, he pulled Bucky to him and kissed him fiercely, wanting to get lost in him again. To celebrate not just his birthday but him as well. That they were here and together. He lifted him and pressed him into the nearest wall, feeling Bucky’s legs wrap around him and his hands in his hair, the metal one digging into it as their tongues wrestled together sweetly.

He wanted to keep unwrapping this present all night.

Steve was about to spin him around and take him to bed and do just that when there was a knock on the door. Bucky pulled his lips away and grinned. “Told you there was one more thing Captain.” He teased, still pressed into the wall. “You’re birthday’s not over yet.” His legs slid off of Steve to find the floor. “So hold that thought big guy.”

“Oh I will.” He told him, giving his neck one more playful nip before releasing him.

Bucky have him a saucy smirk and sauntered over to the door, allowing Steve to get a good look at that ass in those jeans as he did so, and opened the door to pull a tray again from room service. Once the lid was lifted, on said tray was a beautiful, chocolate covered birthday with one very big candle on it. And a new bottle of wine as well.

“They don’t have enough candles to cover our birthdays so I told them to do one big one.” Bucky told him, taking the lighter to light it. “We are old as shit Rogers.”

“Yes we are jerk.” Steve agreed, popping the cork on the wine bottle. “But your only as old as you feel.”

Some days he had to admit he felt his age, old and tired, and he knew Bucky did too. Felt it in his bones on his bad days. But on a day like today, they seemed to feel younger. More alive and he was realizing that was a state of mind, not a number.

“Alright punk make a wish punk.” Bucky told him as he lit the candle. “And then we can dig into this thing.”

He watched as Bucky picked up Arya, who’d been sitting on the bed and then leaned over and thought about it for a moment before blowing it out. He then leaned over and kissed Bucky sweetly, one hand on his face and the other petting Arya. Thinking he couldn’t ask for anything more than having his family right there with him. It was all he’d ever really wanted. Nothing else, not the fame and hero-worship, had come close to this right here. This was everything.

But he did wish for one thing. For Bucky to have the strength to finish what he’d started with his recovery. And for himself to have the strength to help him the rest of the way. It was all he wanted. To see him whole again. Today was a preview of that.

“Happy Birthday Steve.” Bucky whispered against his lips, the arm not holding Arya, resting on his waist. “I love you.”

He rested his head against Bucky’s and sighed softly. “I love you too.”

Bucky then pulled and picked up the knife to hand to Steve. “Okay lets eat this thing.” He told him and looked down at that adorable set of green eyes and nuzzled her nose. “You can’t have any darlin’ it’ll make you sick.” Steve watched as she raised her little paw to his face sweetly. “But I did bring you some pizza.”

He took a picture of this, unable to help himself, and getting an annoyed look from Buck after but it was worth it to capture that. Especially with the soft look on Bucky’s face when her paw was on his face. It was quite beautiful.

They cut up some pizza for her, giving her a plate and she promptly inhaled it. And Steve cut up the cake.  And they both proceeded to stuff themselves full of devil’s food cake. And drank another bottle of wine between the two of them.

Steve then picked up Bucky, who still held the almost empty bottle in his hand, and finally carried him to bed. Watching heatedly as he threw back the last of it and let it roll onto the floor completely empty now. He took those beautiful lips again and tasted red wine and chocolate on them as they tumbled onto to the bed to finish off the day in style.

“So what did you wish for?” Bucky asked, laying flat on the bed as Steve pulled his jeans off. “Care to share?”

“Well I can’t tell you that jerk.” Steve whispered, pressing his face into his chest. “I won’t come true.”

Bucky dug his fingers into Steve’s hair and pulled it slightly. “Can you at least give me a hint?”

Lifting his head he slid up his body and looked down at him, studying the way his now tan cheeks flushed, the way his hair spread out on the pillow, showing that now healing mark on his head. The way those ocean blue eyes shined with love and desire, lips parted as if waiting for another kiss. He ran his hands over his waist and hips, seeing those eyes flutter beautifully and brushed his own lips over Bucky’s sensually.

“I can tell you one thing beautiful.” He whispered against his lips. “That I got everything I want right here in this room.” He took his lips again, his hands resting on his now bare thighs. “I don’t need anything else.”

He then pulled his legs around him and slid his hands up to take Bucky’s, entwining their fingers together and pressing them into the bed. And proceeded to lose himself in him, whispered love and praise into his ear, Bucky’s moans in response music to his ears as he pumped into him, giving him everything he had yet again and more.

Making love until they were spent, bodies tangle together beautifully. And Steve thought, right before he went to sleep that this was the most perfect birthday ever and he felt blessed.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I figured i'd get this up before I leave on my trip to Florida and it's sort of a light chapter. Full of fluff and and good smut as you can see. They needed a break lets be honest. 
> 
> Mystic, Connecticut is a beautiful seaport town I've been to several times and most of the things mentioned about it are 100 percent true. There was some artistic license in some places but I won't say where lol. Mystic Pizza btw is a movie starring Julia Roberts that came out in the late 80's and its based on that restaurant and town, and it's a pretty good feel good movie fyi. 
> 
> I wanted to send them to a place that was quiet and near the water. But away from the city with fresh air. And I love places near water and it seems to be good for Bucky as you can see. 
> 
> Bringing up Wanda and Tony in the early goings is a hint of future events regarding his recovery going forward just fyi. 
> 
> The next chapter will continue with their weekend a little more and then get back into what Bucky needs to do to get better. I hope you enjoy this one and I will see you all when I get back much love to you all and thank you for your lovely reviews <3<3


	32. Shallow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this was sooo late guys but I was on vacation had a ton of things to do when i got back. But finally had some free days sohere we are, finishing up their vacation :)
> 
> artwork for this chapter on my tumblr per usual :)

He’d had at least 4 or 5 good days in a row and so of course he was due for a bad one. And when they were bad, they were really bad.

The day after Steve’s birthday they gotten out to explore the town and taken Arya with them, on her harness, tucked into her little papoose. And was of course the center of attention from the kids running around, along with Bucky’s somehow fascinating arm and of course, Captain America being present. All of which were put up with good humor by Bucky. Because, well the sun was out, the mood was good, and his troubles seemed far away.

But today was a totally different story.

It was raining. A lot. A line of mid-summer thunderstorms rolling over the area and along with the low pressure came that terrible ache in his bones that reminded him of who and what he was quite glaringly.

It was everywhere in his body. From every old wound and broken bone. The serum may have healed the original injuries but could do nothing for the chronic pain that resulted from them. His doctor had told him it was essentially arthritis and that most people felt it in old injuries. And had had so many. From unwanted operations, from the torutre and abuse they had called ‘conditioning’ and the general wear and tear from all the missions he’d carried out, from plowing through injuries because failure was not even close to an option. On these days, all of it was very close to the surface. That haunted corridor in his head was wide open and he couldn’t help but look into it.

Standing by the window, Bucky stood with his arms crossed, shivering as if feeling cold, because well, he was always when that damn door was open. He stared through the rain-soaked window at the dock below, hearing the sounds that came through the window because it was cracked slightly for that fresh sea air.  His hand was absently rubbing the metal part of his shoulder, where the flesh part of his body ended the machine part started. There were sometimes he could still feel the ghost of that flesh arm he’d once had. Remembering how it had been torn near the elbow, but they just kept cutting more and more of it off, attaching wires to nerves without any care for the pain that caused.

He could still feel that pain sometimes. Especially in this weather.  Could still hear himself scream in his head.

His doctor had given medication he could take for this general pain, but he didn’t always take it. He did it more for Steve’s sake than anything. Most of the time he managed it on his own. Preferring to do it. To try and disconnect it like he knew he used to out of survival. Not that Steve would put up with this for very long. He was endearingly annoying like that sometimes.

“You don’t have to suffer like this you know?” He told him once, handing him the bottle. “So why do you?”

“Because I don’t need it.” Bucky had remembered snapping back at him. “I can handle it. Been doing it for years..”

“Well fine.” He remembered Steve saying almost desperately. “If you won’t do it for your damn stubborn self  then at least do it for me okay?” He’d put his hands on his face and just gave that damn puppy look that Bucky simply couldn’t ignore. “Please Buck.”

He’d fought him like this several times but usually gave in like he had then because honestly, he was putting him through a lot and wanted to humor him. Wanted to get that damn look off his face, that one that made him feel like a child in front of a concerned parent.

And the truth was he couldn’t tell him the deep underneath reason why he didn’t take that medication as vigilantly as his anti-anxiety medication. Because deep down he felt like he needed to suffer with this to remind himself once and awhile of who he was. Of what he’d done. And every ache on every moment reminded him of it. Reminded him that he’d kept on surviving and causing harm to others. On these bad days the feeling was extremely strong.

The fact that it was early morning and he couldn’t sleep added to this feeling. As well the sound that had woken him the first place. The splash of water that only came from something falling into it. It caused an image to pop into his mind. As if one of those mission doors had swung open al little and gave him a glimpse inside. A memory of tossing a body into he water to conceal it.

The remaining air bubbles escaping from it causing a ripple in the water as he watched it sink in the murky depths.

Another goddamn mission. No body. No witnesses. A ghost story.

He didn’t want these memories. He didn’t want any of them. And felt the dread inside at the knowledge that once he merged his mind, he would remember all of it. Right now, it was fragments. Guns, knives, explosions. The smell of blood and burning flesh. Sounds of shots and bones breaking. Like the memory of the body in the water there was nothing solid, just pieces that would eventually form horrifying pictures. Like the ones of his torture and abuse that still plagued his nightmares.

Bucky shivered hard, a full body one that caused him to wrap his arms around himself tighter.  Wondering on days like this, if it was ever possible to feel normal. Trying to remind himself that in the good days he had. But sometimes it was hard to know if the good days were the actual reality, or just an illusion.

He then felt Steve’s arms wrap around him from behind. Strong and warm. Safe. He closed his eyes, taking a shuddering breath and allowed himself to be held like that silently for a moment. Trying to ground himself in the feeling of it. Telling himself this was real. That he really was safe now.

“Hey beautiful.” He heard Steve say in his ear, his lips nuzzling his neck, whiskers tickling his skin. “You okay?”

“Not really.” He said honestly, closing his eyes, feeling Steve’s hands resting on his across his stomach. “I’m just.. achy I guess.”

“Did you take your medicine?”

He scrunched his face a little, knowing he was going to ask that. “Not yet.”

“Why not?” Steve whispered in his ear, tightening his arms around him.

“I don’t know.” He replied softly, opening his eyes to look out the window again. “I guess I still need to feel it..”

He felt Steve’s lips next to his ear, trailing just under before speaking. “You don’t deserve to suffer Buck.” He whispered into it, entwining his fingers with Bucky’s and flattening their hands against his stomach. “You don’t.”

That persistent part of him that felt he needed to was very present right now. Rearing its ugly head and he was trying to fight it while sinking into it at the same time. It was like quicksand though, the more he struggled the more he sunk.  It was such a deep well of anger and disappointment with himself that he just couldn’t overcome it sometimes.

He wanted a damn cigarette. He wasn’t over that completely either.

Or maybe just some damn punishment. He wasn’t sure really. Part of him wanting a different kind of pain to wash this one out. It was a scary kind of need really. Something he was starting to recognize in himself, and already knew Steve could too. But knowing it and stopping himself was 2 very different things.

He felt himself turn in his arms, butting his head against his chest as trying to fight it a little longer, feeling Steve’s warn hand on the back of his neck, just under his hair. His own hands rested on Steve’s waist and he took several ragged breaths as he stood there just like that.

“Bucky?” Steve asked softly, hand stoking his hair. “Talk to me please.”

He fought back his emotion at that question, pushing everything back almost violently. He didn’t want to talk about this here. Not in the place. Didn’t want to talk about the bodies and the blood. About the pain that raged through his body to remind of all of the horrible places he’d been since he’d left him to go war. His fingers flexed on his shirt as he fought to keep himself together.

“I don’t wanna talk.” He said adamantly, shaking his head. “I can’t.”

His legs seemed to go out from under him and he landed heavily on his knees, pressing his face into Steve’s stomach, his hands still clutching his shirt.  He felt Steve’s hands wrap around his head more, fingers digging into his hair and holding him to him. He saw an image of breaking that poor woman’s neck, Starks mother. Of cutting someone’s throat. Smell those burning bodies and felt he didn’t deserve this gentleness.  That that hand should yanking him by the hair and slamming him into wall. Making him take it like the other had.

_You will comply.._

He wanted to Steve to punish him and it was scary how quickly that feeling came up inside him sometimes even now after all this time.

Looking up at him, his hands sliding and pulling a little Steve’s shorts, Bucky let his madness at the moment show in his eyes. He felt Steve’s hand circle his face and look down at him with love and sympathy. Bucky could not take that look, needed to push the envelope. Needed to see that possessive desire to get what he wanted right now. What he felt he deserved at this moment. So he snaked his hands into the waistband of Steve’s shorts and nuzzled his shirt up to suck on his lower stomach, feeling Steve’s fingers flex in his hair a little.

“Bucky..” He heard him said, his voice sounding pained, like he knew what he was trying to do. “Don’t do this.”

He flicked yes back up at him, continuing to push it a little. “I want to.” He told him, pulling on his shorts a little more. “Come on let me make you feel good.”  He ran his tongue over his lower abdomen, hearing him groan slightly. “Don’t you want me to?”

“Of course I do Buck.” He heard Steve say. “But you’re not okay right now.”

“I’m fine dammit.” He told Steve adamantly, pressing his lips against his stomach, much lower this time. “I know what I want.”

Steve groaned just a little pushed him back a bit. “I don’t think you do.”

He looked up, feeling a bit desperate now. “Please let me.. I’m good at this.” He asked, pulling his shorts down a little more, letting his fingers knead his ass a little. “And you can do whatever you want to me.” He nuzzled him lower. “Anything..  just take me.. I want you to please.”

“No Buck.” Steve said softly, those fingers not pulling his hair like he wanted them to, like the other had. “You want to be punished and I won’t do that.”

Bucky looked up at him, part of him terrified that Steve could read him so easily. He could see that there was some want in Steve’s eyes but what he saw the most of was love and compassion. The knowledge he’d never hurt him that way, even if wanted him to. That he wasn’t going to yank him by the hair and push him against the wall and make him do those kinds of things like the others did. Not when he clearly wasn’t in his right mind.

Like when he was the Winter Soldier. He would never take advantage of him in a clearly vulnerable situation like that. Or this. Bucky once again felt tears in his eyes at this thought. Of this knowledge that no matter how badly he wanted to punish himself, Steve wouldn’t do it.

“I’ll do whatever you want Buck.” Steve said softly, dropping to his own knees in front of him. “Except hurt you like that.” His hands brushed his face softly. “I’ll never be like them.”

Bucky squeezed his eyes shut and buried his face in Steve’s shoulder. His hands clutched Steve’s shirt and just let him hold him like that. He felt Steve sort of fall back on his ankles, his hand cradling the back of Bucky’s head, stroking his hair softly. The other was wrapped tightly around his back, holding him there.

“What’s wrong with me?” He mumbled against Steve’s shoulder, still struggling to hold back tears. “Why do I do this?”

“Because you’re hurting right now.” Steve said softly, brushing his lips over the side of his head. “It’s okay.”

Bucky buried his face in Steve’s shoulder, having no answer for that for now. Just sitting on the floor in Steve’s arms as the rain continued to fall outside. Trying to calm the ache in his bones and the madness in his head for the moment.

\--

He had gotten him back into bed and Bucky laid with his head tucked under Steve’s chin, wrapped up tightly in his arms. Steve could still feel him shaking. The cat had curled up at their feet and he could feel her purr against his leg and knew Bucky could feel it too. That it was a grounding force for him right now that Steve knew he needed badly right now.

He wasn’t sure if Bucky was sleeping or not, but he himself was just lost in thought after that near miss.

What had bothered Steve the most as he now realized after the fact, was not just that Bucky had wanted him to do that to him. That was bad enough. But that he himself had wanted to do it to some degree.

That he’d wanted to grab him by the hair and push him against the nearest wall and make him take him like that. He wanted to feel that mouth around him, taking him violently like that. And then find the nearest flat surface to fuck him on. It was that look in his eyes, that mad, desperate look that did it. The need to control and possess him like that. And Steve knew that in the state Bucky was in he would’ve let him do absolutely anything he wanted to him. Would let him do exactly what that vicious asshole had done to him and it made him feel sick to even think of that. It had taken a hell of a lot to restrain himself from doing it and now he felt like he needed to take a shower.

His own therapist had said, while these feelings may have disturbed him, the difference was, he didn’t act on them. At least not anymore. And that was the main difference really. And he had made sure any rough sexual contact was something that Bucky actually wanted and not a means to hurt himself.  It had been a fine line at first, but he did his best to see the signs and act accordingly.

It’s didn’t mean his own feelings didn’t disturb him thought sometimes.

“I’m sorry Steve.” Bucky said quietly, his metal tightening a little around Steve’s back. “For all that.”

“Don’t be.” He whispered to him, brushing his hair back and pressing his lips to his head. “It’s okay.”

“It’s not though. “ Bucky answered, lifting his head to look at him. “I’m sti9ll so fucked up it’s not even funny.”

“They hurt you a lot Buck.” He told him, brushing his hair softly. “It takes time that’s all.”

“I know.” He heard Bucky reply, feeling his metal fingers tapping gently on back. “It’s not just that though its.. all the things I did too.” He bit his lips and looked down, those blue eyes troubled again. “Its all in there.. and it just.. overwhelms me sometimes.” His head rested softly against Steve’s and he closed his eyes painfully. “I don’t know what’s gonna happen when I remember it all.. when we merge.”

“Whatever happens we’ll deal with it okay?” He told him, letting his fingers brush his face. “We’ll figured it out.”

It scared him too to think about how Bucky would handle it when everything came back, when the fracture was completely healed and the memories poured in. He was having a hard enough time as it was now. As beautiful as he would be whole again, Steve was worried it would break him for a while too. It made him just want to stop all of it and protect but he knew he couldn’t. He knew he had to do it, but thinking that and actually watching him go through it were 2 very different things.

Something occurred to him at that moment, something he’d been planning for a while but hadn’t known the right time to do. He recalled being out with Nat a few weeks earlier and that she had helped him with it. Helped him not only pick something out, but with the idea of doing it at all.

“I just don’t’ know what the right time is, or even how to ask.” He’d told her over lunch. “He’s the most important thing in the world to me and I don’t want to screw this up.” He’d stirred his drink nervously, feeling like an idiot. “He’s dealing with a lot right now so I don’t know.”

“Steve.” Nat had told him, smiling and taking his hand. “However you do this, it’ll be the right way. The right moment. The right time.” She nudged him. “There’s no plan to it you just do it.”

He realized even then that she was right, but was still slightly apprehensive about it. He’d finally gotten the item in question right before the trip, but the right time just hadn’t come up. Between celebrating his birthday all the other things he’d just held off. But watching him this morning, so unsteady and unsure. So scared of what was coming for him, he suddenly had the feeling that Nat was right, there was no plan to this kind of thing. You just play it when it felt right.

He started to get up, and saw Bucky’s curious look at him. “I’ll be right back just gotta get something.” He told him and smiled knowingly. “Don’t go anywhere.”

Bucky smiled softly, turning on his side to lay his head on his metal arm. “Why would I want to punk?” He asked, still looking a little haunted underneath that slight mirth.

Steve retrieved what he was looking for after searching through one of his bags and came back with a box. Settling back down on the bed he handed it Bucky who once again gave him a curious look as he sat up.

“What’s this?” He asked, turning it his hands as the cat clambored over to sit on his leg. Steve thought this was perfect actually. “A present??”

Steve smiled softly at him. “Sort of.” He replied and brushed some hair from his face. “Take a look.”

Bucky still looked confused, perhaps remembering the last box he’d gotten from him, which had contained his dog tags. He’d remembered how emotional Bucky had gotten when getting them. It had been less than a day after his breakdown when he’d hurt himself. He had remembered feeling at the time that it was a good time to give himself something important, and it felt the same now. After what has just happened earlier.

He watched as Bucky opened it and pulled it out to look at it. Watching the myriad of emotions come over him as he did. Confusion, then surprise, then realization of what it was. He lifted it and looked back and forth from it to Steve, his eyes showing deep emotion.

It was a bracelet, roped and threaded with dark red, blue and silver. There was an inscription on it and Bucky was reading it, the emotion getting stronger as he did. ‘With you til the end of the line’ it read, he knew because he picked it himself. He saw Bucky look up at him and seem to swallow hard.

“Is this?” He asked, almost unable to finish the sentence, turning it over in his hands, his eyes shining a little. “Are you?”

“Yeah I am.” Steve answered, jumping right in to it. “I didn’t want to just a ring you know? I wanted something that more us.” He reached up with a tentative hand and brushed that errant strand hair again. “Something that was more you.”

“Steve I..” Bucky was literally at a loss for words, sort of stammering it out. “I’m still all fucked up though.”

He put his hands on his face and looked in his eyes, finally finding the proper words. “That doesn’t matter to me. I love you. I’ve always loved you.” He explained, letting his thumbs stroke his face. “I loved you then and I love you now and I know I’m gonna love whatever you become when you get through all of this.” He watched as Bucky bit his lip, as if fighting back his emotion. “This is to show you that I really am here to the end. For you always.” He pulled him closer until their heads were laying together. “So will you marry me?”

He pulled back just a little and watched Bucky’s eyes waiting his response to this very important question.

\--

Bucky was still stunned, still uncomprehending the question, one hand still holding the box. There was a part of him that still couldn’t believe this was possible. That could actually marry the love his life even now. And a part of him that still didn’t think he deserved it at all.

The memories of the horrors in his head, of the things he had and the ways he’d been used were trying to invade the moment and make him doubt it. But the look on Steve’s face. The sureness, the love and intensity was giving him courage and strength. He loved him so damn much he felt it could over-power anything if he’d just let it all the way in.

Something else was rising in him at that moment as a result. Something that was over-taking the doubt and self-loathing. It was hope and determination. The idea that he could have this. He could have all of it. If he could find his way out of the dark he could have this true life. The one they’d tried to deny him all those years. The one he though he could never have. He could be truly happy. He could just…live.

He suddenly grabbed Steve’s face and kissed him solidly, dropping that box right onto his lap with the bracelet in it. “Of course I’ll marry you punk.” He breathed against his lips. “That’s a dumb fucking question.”

He felt Steve chuckle against his lips. “Well I had to ask jerk.” He whispered, pulling his lips away slightly. “It’s tradition.”

Bucky shook his head and picked up the bracelet, shoving it into Steve’s hand. “Then put it on me you idiot.” He told him, leaving his hands to rest on his neck. “Hurry up and make this damn thing official.”

He watched Steve smile as he put the bracelet on him, fastening the loop perfectly in a way Bucky could’ve never have. He didn’t even bother to learn because he was never planning on taking this damn thing off. It already had a talismanic hold on him. The minute it was on him he felt that strength coming from it. He looked up at Steve with what he knew was the sappiest look of love ever but he could care less.

Arya sitting between them for the moment, looked up and meowed at them and Bucky could swear she was smiling, her little green eyes almost twinkling.

“Now we’re engaged.” Steve told him, putting his hands on Bucky’s face and pulling him to him. “It seems so unreal.”

He leaned his head against Steve’s taking in a breath. “I know.” He agreed tilting his head to brush hips over his. “But nothings ever felt more right than this.” He nuzzled his face a little more. “Nothing at all.”

Steve’s hand snaked into his hair and he pulled his lips to his. “I love you Buck.” He whispered to him as their lips met, the fingers of his other hand skate over the bracelet. “No matter what.”

Bucky smiled against his lips, feeling those words intensely. His metal fingers dug into Steve’s t-shirt, pulling on it. Not in the desperate way like earlier but in a softer way. Indicating desire, but this time for the right reason. Not to be hurt and punished but to be loved and cherished. He let himself fall back on the bed and pulled Steve with him, wrapping his arms around him tightly.

“I love you too punk.” He whispered against his lips. “I love you so damn much.”

The cat had long since scampered off by the time they’d managed to remove their remaining clothes. To the point where Bucky had nothing else on but his dog tags and the bracelet, 2 things he would never take off. Both given to him by Steve. Along with a life he wasn’t always sure he deserved sometimes.

He had his leg wrapped around his hip, feeling Steve’s lips on his neck, his hands softly sliding over him. Bucky closed his eyes, taking a heavy breath, taking in the moment. The feelings. He ran his hands through Steve’s blond hair and nuzzled his lips on the top of his head as if smelling his hair.

“Steve?” He whispered, causing him to look up at him. “About earlier.”

“It’s alright Buck.” Steve told him, looking up into his eyes. “You don’t’ have to explain.”

“But I do.” He answered, holding Steve’s face in his hands. “I wanted to be punished. I was.. remembering things.. bad things and I wanted you to hurt me because I’m all fucked up about it still.” He bit his lip painfully for a moment. “And I’m sorry.” He pulled his head to him and kissed it. “I’m sorry that I do that to you sometimes.. I really am.”

Steve slid himself up a little and looked down at him softly. “It’s alright.” His hands slid over his skin softly causing Bucky’s eyes to flutter, not from desire but from emotion. “I understand.”

He looked up at the ceiling of the hotel room, hearing the sound of the softening rain on the dock below the window. Of the water splashing against that same dock. His hands rested on Steve’s neck, that beautiful symbol of commitment on his right wrist reflecting the miniscule light. Almost like a guide forward. Something he would need knowing he had a few more dark leagues to travel still. More pain to wade through just to get there.

“You never hurt me.” He said, still looking up at the ceiling. “Even when I want you to. Even when it’s rough.” He chuckled a little. “You put a goddamn pillow behind my head. “ His fingers played under Steve’s blond hair, a look of wonder on his face. “You take care of me after.. and I’m still getting used to that I guess.”

“Well you better keep gettin’ used to it jerk.” Steve told him, smiling himself as he brushed his lips over Bucky’s. “Cause I’m gonna keep doing it.” His hands rested on his hips, caressing them softly. “For the rest of your damn life.”

He bit his lip again and looked up at him, seeing that life. That possibility so damn close now he could taste it. But he was scared of the route he’d have to walk to get there and knew it showed in his eyes. So he wasn’t going to bother to hide it. Not anymore.

“I’m scared of what I gotta do and I..” He said and paused, looking harder into his eyes. “I don’t know if I’ strong enough to do it.”

Steve lifted a hand from his waist and lifted it to brush his hair softly. “You are.” He told him, leaning his head against Bucky’s. “Because you survived what they did to you.” He leaned closer letting their lips touch softly. “You’ll make it through this too.” He smiled against his lips. “I believe in you.”

Bucky smiled softly at him, feeling stronger at those words. “Yeah. “ He replied, smiling softly up at him. “I know you do.” He shifted a little, just wanting to changed the subject for now. To put his doubts away for the moment “So.. we’re officially engaged huh?” He lifted his hand to look at the bracelet. “Now what do we do?”

Steve chuckled as he bent down to nuzzle his scar tissue, causing Bucky to sigh. “I don’t know.” Steve mused against his skin. “I’ve never been engaged before.”

 Bucky’s flexed his fingers in Steve’s in Steve’s hair, letting his leg curl around his thigh. “Hmm.. let’s see.” He said thoughtfully. “Maybe we should celebrate punk.”

Steve raised his head, and without saying a word in answer, took Bucky’s lips in a deep, searing kiss. His hands were found and fingers entangled before they were pulled up over his head. Bucky moaned softly into his mouth as he was pressed into the bed, their tongues wrestling beautifully.

“Celebrate.. yes..” Steve growled softly as his lips pulled slightly away. “Whatever my beautiful fiancée wants he gets.”

The sound of Steve using that word turned him on that much more, and he realized he wasn’t achy anymore. The only ache he felt was wanting him inside him. The worries he’d felt earlier were replaced by impatience for this to happen. He knew Steve felt this desire as he pressed more into him, but seemed to want to wait just a tad bit longer, teasing him by grinding softly into him, causing Bucky’s body to arch involuntarily against his.

“What are you waiting for punk?” He groaned, feeling delirious now. “Christmas?”

Steve chuckled against his neck, biting down softly to cause a thick moan to come out of him. “No I just love the way look when you want me jerk.” He told him as he lifted his head, giving him another teasing grind. “That look right there.”

“Such a fucking tease Rogers.” Bucky growled, pushing back a little against his grip. “Just wait til we’re married.” He bit Steve’s shoulder aggressively. “I will make you pay for that shit.”

“Looking forward to it sweetheart.” Steve growled, pressing his hands harder into the pillow. “Cause you’re fuckin sexy when your angry.”

His lips were then smothered in an even deeper kiss, tongues deeper in their mouths than before. Being restrained and having to wait, made him feel wilder and filled with insatiable desire. And it occurred him, when he could think that was, about how different this was from earlier. His desperate need earlier was born of wanting to be punished, not really about wanting to fucked by his lover. He could see the differences, obvious and subtle in both trains of thought.

He wanted it now to feel good. To be touched and loved But wanted it then to feel worse. To hurt and degraded. And was grateful to Steve for knowing the difference between the two. For looking out for him in those moments like he always did. That made his heart fill with love, which when melded into his heat and desire made a heady brew of lust.

He let it flow through him, the wanton desire that had no hint of self-harm, and tightened his leg around Steve’s thigh and growled lustfully against his lips. Making it clear what he wanted and that he wanted it now.

Steve returned the growl, pressing harder into him and then he was inside him, deep inside him and holding himself there and he pulled his lips away to stare down at him. “You are so beautiful.” He whispered to him, their faces inches apart. “I love you so much.”

Bucky’s eyes fluttered at the sincerity of those words and then Steve started to move against him, causing him to lose himself in it. The sound of the lightening rain just background noise in his ears and everything was, for the moment, okay.

\--

Steve smiled, feeling Bucky’s head on his shoulder, his arm draped over his chest, purring contentedly in his sleep like always did after intense lovemaking. And it had been very intense. Heavy, hot and emotional at the same time. They had been celebrating after all.

Bucky was laying on his metal arm this time, it was tucked between them and Steve could feel its strange warmth against his hip under the covers. The flesh one was laying on his chest and Steve picked it up, looking at the band around his wrist and kissed it softly, smiling against the warm skin and the cool metal resting against it, symbolizing their new commitment to each other.

Remembering the way Bucky’s face had lit up when he accepted it. Seeing the hope in his eyes. This trip had been a reprieve from the intense therapy he was in. The deep process of trying to merge his fractured mind and Steve knew that even here, that it had worn on him greatly. That the darkness he still had to face terrified him and he needed something, anything to get a firm grip on. Something to look forward to when it was over. A goal of sorts. And he’d latched onto it like a damn talisman. And that filled Steve’s heart with happiness.

He put his hand back down and ran his fingers over his wrist where the band was, his other hand playing in his hair softly. Trying to keep him asleep as long as possible. To rest. Which was part of what this trip was too. To allow him to do that that as well. To just take a break.

Even though there was a speedbump like earlier.

Watching him fall to his knees like that, to service him and be hurt as a form of punishment had hurt him and made him angry at the same time. Knowing that was how he was punished and that sometimes his wires still got crossed that way and he wanted to punish himself that same way. He vowed to himself to continue to protect him from himself until he sorted it all out. Until he understood he didn’t need to do that anymore.

He turned slightly and nuzzled his face against Bucky’s, hearing him murmur a little in his sleep but not seem to wake. Arya, who had crawled up after the shenanigans were over, looked up from their feet where she’d curled up and yawned at him before going back to sleep herself. Steve smiled, thinking this was it like to have a real family again.

It was still raining, much softer now. It was probably going to do it all day too. Tomorrow, their last day here, would be better weather-wise, but today was still, in his mind, a good day. Even though it hadn’t started great it was good now.

He felt Bucky shudder in his arms a little and tightened them around him. He seemed to clutch at Steve and bury his face in his shoulder, a painful whimper escaping from him. Didn’t seem to be having a seizure just a run of the mill nightmare, not that that was any better. But he comforted him just the same, making him feel safe as he always did when Bucky’s mind unleashed horrors on him in his sleep.

“Ssssh.” He whispered in his ear, stroking his hair softly. “It’s okay.”

HJs other arm held him closer under the blanket, letting him feel the closeness of his body, skin on skin warmth and he seemed to calm a little. He was still trembling, but it wasn’t a full-on body shudder anymore. Steve felt Bucky’s fingers flesh flex into his back as if pulling him closer to him.

“Steve?” Bucky murmured into his neck, nuzzling more into it.

“I’m right here.” He said into his hair, pressing his lips to his head again. “You’re safe.”

“He’s here.” He seemed to stammer, curling more against him. “He wants us to…” A sob came out of his throat. “He’ll hurt us if we don’t…” The hand on Steve’s back flexed even more, almost painfully. “We don’t want to.”

He was using the term ‘we’ like the Soldier did. Meaning them both. And Steve knew exactly what he was referring to and his own hand flexed in angry fist for a moment. Wishing he could kill that damn monster, even though Bucky already had, decades ago. But that demon still stalked his nightmares and Steve wanted nothing more than to take that away from him. The memory of that monster, of Zola, of all of them. Every single bastard that ever hurt him like that. But he knew he couldn’t. All he could do was hold him and comfort him. Make him feel safe.

“He’s not real Buck.” He whispered into his ear again. “He can’t hurt you anymore.”

Bucky nodded against his shoulder and allowed Steve to envelope him more in his arms like a frightened child. Steve thought there were so few people that ever saw him like this. Scared and vulnerable. He did his best to publicly look strong and stoic. Even quite a bit ornery. There were many people in the world who were still afraid of him. Still saw him as a frightening person. But they had no idea what he fought with internally. Had no idea about this. Had no idea how strong he was to have to stand with all this horrible weight on him.

“I know.” He heard him say finally, lifting his head to nuzzle it against Steve’s face. “It just… feels really real in there sometimes.” He lifted his eyes to look at Steve and he could almost see the haunted hallways in them. “I can feel him pulling my hair… feel his breath on my neck.. “ Another shudder went through him and Steve held him tighter. “I can feel the heat from the…”

Steve closed his own eyes and ran his own fingers softly through his hair, pressing his lips to his forehead comfortingly. “You don’t have to.” He whispered against his skin. “It’s okay.”

“The door won’t open.” Bucky seemed to sob softly, squeezing his eyes shut. “We can’t get out..”

“You’re safe here.” He repeated to him, laying his head against his head, keeping that comforting hand in his hair. “It’s okay.”

Bucky seemed to calm a little, those blue eyes opening and seeming to study Steve as if to confirm this statement. His hand was still flexed a little into Steve’s skin, but it had loosened now.  He could feel him tuck one of his feet in between Steve’s and just lay there like that for a long time before speaking again.

“Are you sure you want to marry me?” He asked after a while, smiling sadly. “I’m just a complete fucking mess.”

Steve smiled and let his other hand stroke his back softly. “I sure am.” He answered, brushing their lips softly together. “For better or worse remember?”

“There’s a lot of worse with me these days punk.” Bucky replied, biting his lip a little. “A lot.”

“Naw jerk.” Steve retorted, holding his head with his fingers buried in his brown hair. “There’s a lot more better than worse with you.” His kissed his nose sweetly. “And I love all of it.”

Bucky smiled at that. “Well you always were a glutton for punishment I suppose.”

“No I’m just stubbornly in love with you that’s all.” He told him, looking into those deep blue eyes of his. “And I have no regrets about that at all.”

They seemed to stare at each other for a moment and then were interrupted by a little furry creature climbing between them to hammocked part of the blankets and staring at them both. Arya meowed and head-butted Bucky’s arm, demanding attention now and of course neither one could resist her.

“Hey there little darlin’” Bucky said with a soft tone as he reached up and petted her. “We didn’t forget about you don’t worry.”

Steve put his hand on her back and Arya walked back and forth on his hip, more than happy to get double the attention, his little motor running loudly. She was precious and Steve loved her just as much Bucky did. She was such a comfort for them both. Finally she found that part of the blanket where she was suspended a little and curled up there, right between them, happily purring away.

“You hungry?” He asked Bucky, who was still focused on petting her.

“Hmm?” Bucky asked as if not hearing the question at first and then registered it. “Yeah sure.” He turned to look out the window and frowned. “It’s still raining though.”

Steve nodded, resting his hand on his hip and rubbing it through the blanket. “You still achy?”

“Yeah a little.” Was Bucky’s answer, resting his head more on his metal arm. “It’s not gonna stop until the rain does.” He sighed heavily. “Probably all day from the looks of it.”

“Well then we’ll just stay here there.” Steve suggested and grabbed his phone. “I’ll just order room service.” He leaned over and kissed Bucky’s nose causing that adorable nose scrunch. “Any requests boo bear?”

Bucky rolled his eyes at that nickname, but Steve could clearly see the irritation was faked. “Surprise me.” He answered and then seemed to remember something. “Some more of that wine.” He smiled knowingly. “We still got more celebrating to do after all.”

“Whatever you want gorgeous.”

Arya meowed a little, blinking her green at Steve cutely. “Oh and get her some of those chicken tenders.” Bucky seemed to translate for her. “She loves those.”

“Or course.” Steve said, petting Arya’s little head. “Anything for the Queen too.”

It turned out to be chicken all around and Arya even had her own plate which was put on the table for her to feast on. Bucky had made sure to cut it up so she could eat it. And Steve thought she was the most spoiled little cat ever, but it was definitely hard to resist those green eyes of hers.

Bucky actually downed one of those wine bottles by himself and a good third of the other one too, and Steve was not put out by this at all. They were, after all, on vacation. And celebrating their engagement of course. And it seemed to relax him and take his mind off the less stellar aspects of the day.

And while he may not have been able to get blitzed drunk, he could get tipsy and was quite adorable when he did.

“I need to get these pants off you again big guy.” Bucky told him, his words slightly slurry from the alcohol. “Cause it’s a goddamn shame to cover that ass like that.” Steve laughed as Bucky grabbed said as he was standing there, as much for balance as playfulness. “Honestly I need to keep you naked all the time Captain..”

Steve laughed and buried his hands in that gorgeous hair of his, kissing him and tasting the wine on his lips. “I could say the same for you Sergeant.” He said against his lips as they leaned back against the wall. “You’re quite the sight yourself.”

“Really?” Bucky asked, his lips brushing Steve’s teasingly. “You think so huh?”

“I do.” He said softly, leaning his head against his. “You’re perfect.”

“Pffft.” Bucky scoffed, rolling his eyes as he put the bottle down. “Your biased.”

“Damn straight I am.” He told him, pulling him closer, arm around his waist.  Seeing the tipsy mirth in Bucky’s beautiful blue eyes. “You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”

“Your such a cornball Rogers.” Bucky replied, nuzzling his nose against Steve’s cutely. “Whatever am I going to do with you?”

“Now that is a loaded question.” Steve told him, starting to sway softly with him in his arms, their faces close together. “I could think of few things actually.”

There was music playing from a little radio Steve had brought and it was a soft song, with sweet lyrics that just seemed to suit the moment perfectly for him. He’d heard it before and it had become a personal favorite now.

 _“Tell me something, boy_  
Aren't you tired tryin' to fill that void?  
Or do you need more?  
Ain't it hard keeping it so hardcore?

 _I'm falling_  
In all the good times I find myself  
Longing for change  
And in the bad times I fear myself

_I'm off the deep end, watch as I dive in_  
I'll never meet the ground  
Crash through the surface, where they can't hurt us  
We're far from the shallow now”

 

He pulled him closer, if possible, wrapping his arms around him, laying his head against Bucky’s as they began to dance to it, sway softly in the darkening room.

“We’re dancing huh punk?” Bucky asked, looping his arms around Steve’s neck. “Who’d have thunk it?

“We sure are jerk.” He whispered to him. “We used to do this a lot remember?” He let his hands rest on Bucky’s hips and swayed him a little. “In our little apartment.”

“Yeah I remember.” Bucky recalled and slid his flesh arm off his shoulder to take Steve’s hand. “We did it like this this.” He nuzzled his face against Steve’s again softly. “With that old staticky radio..” He smiled whistfully in remembrance. “That was such a long time ago.”

“Not that long.” Steve whispered back, using the free hand to pull him a little closer. “We should do it more often.”

Bucky nodded almost dreamily, and Steve could see how the painful doubt from earlier was dropping off and he was relaxing again. Knowing the wine had something to do with that, but maybe it was just doing more things that connected to his past like this that was helping too. Being caught up in the nostalgia of their hidden love affair that had bloomed into this unbreakable bond they now had.

Steve looked at their hands that were entwined to together and saw the band around Bucky’s wrist. The one that said it was forever, even if they didn’t need a physical symbol of it, Bucky loved it. Seemed to cherish it already.

“You got better at it.” Bucky mused, his eyes full of tipsy mirth. “You don’t have to stand on my feel any more.”

“Well I did get a little taller.” He answered with a chuckle. “Can look you in the eyes now.”

“You know you were perfect the way you were punk?” Bucky said with a serious look, his hand pressing into his shoulder a little more. “You didn’t have to change.” He brushed his lips over Steve’s. “Although I am glad you’re not sick anymore.. that’s a good thing.”

Steve was surprised although he shouldn’t have been. “You liked me like that?”

“Yeah I loved my ornery little runt.” Bucky told him with a soft smile. “Not that I’m complaining about how you look now mind you.” He let his hand trail over Steve’s back as they danced. “I’m just sayin’ punk.. you were perfect to me then too.”

He had known this on some level but hearing Bucky say it was so beautiful. Because honestly back then no one had ever looked twice at him. But Bucky, who just beautiful and perfect in his eyes back then, had not noticed but loved him and found him beautiful too had been a big booster. Knowing that he had known him at his smallest and weakest and loved him just the same, had powered Steve through a lot.  And had made him fight extra hard for him now.

And he felt the need to tell him again that he felt the same damn way about him. That even though he felt broken and ill-used, that he still felt the same way he did then. That nothing had changed.

“Well I love you the same way I did then.” He said to him, looking deeply in his eyes. “You’re still perfect to me Buck.” He brought his lips to his softly. “Still so beautiful.”

He didn’t let him answer just kissed him deeper, lifting his hand to fist his hair softly as he did so. He felt Bucky moan into it, pulling him closer as their tongues tangled sweetly.  He could still taste the win and smile at the sort of clumsy way Bucky pulled at his shirt and sort of climbed on him a little. He snaked his other arm around him and soft of half-lifted him off the ground and pressing him into the wall a little.

“So punk..” Bucky breathed against his lips, wrapping his legs around Steve’s hips. “You gonna take me to bed or are we gonna fuck right here?” He felt Bucky’s hands slide into his pants and squeeze his ass teasingly. “I’m game either way..”

The idea of fucking him against the wall was very appealing to him actually. It seemed like a long way to go to get to the bed and all. It was a suite and they were in living area. So he mulled for a few seconds before dropping him down only briefly. For practical reasons. Meaning getting each other’s pants off that was.

“Right here is just fine.” He growled into his ear as he lifted him again, pulling his legs around his waist and pressing him into the wall. “Wouldn’t you agree sweetheart?”

Bucky’s response to this was just to kiss him deeper and tighten his legs around him. And soon they were deep in it right there, still half-dressed but not caring in the slightest. Bucky’s back pressed into wall, clutching at Steve’s back gloriously at every hard, deep thrust Steve gave him. Not punishing  and vicious like he’d wanted earlier but in that perfect passionate balance they had.

The music played on in the background, mingling with their ragged breathing and moans of love and praise. It was still raining but had turned into a beautiful night of celebration that they truly lost themselves in.

\--

Bucky was laying back on the blanket on their last day there, taking the glorious view. Not the view of the beach mind you.

He was watching Steve play frisbee with some kids and that was quite the sight. His bare arms and chest gleaming in the sun, back muscles rippling, sweat gleaming off his skin. And lets not forget that glorious ass filling out those swim trunks. He watched him over the top of his sunglasses as he leaned back on his elbows.

It was a sight to behold. He felt like saluting.

“God Bless America.” He said under his breath, feeling pretty damn lucky at the moment.

Steve tuned to him and smiled that winning smile and Bucky suddenly wished they were alone at the moment because well.. holy shit. He tossed the frisbee back to the kid and stood there with his hands on his hips looking like a beautiful bronze statue it was ridiculous. He wanted to climb him like a damn tree. And then rodeo ride him. He bit his lip trying to hide this and the slight stirring this sight and thoughts brought to h is lower region. Thinking he was grateful his shorts were loose. Steve certainly was healing him in many ways. Mind over matter he thought, amused and shifted his legs a little.

“You should join us!” He called, shading his eyes and that pose did not help.

“No thanks punk.” Bucky called back, eyeing him up and down hungrily. “I like the view I got right here.”

Steve raised his eyebrows and seemed to saunter over to him, in an almost exaggerated sexy way. That bastard knew exactly what he was doing at the moment. But two could play at this game he knew. So he grinned at him seductively and leaned back a little more, giving him a nice view too.

“I’m liking the one that I got too.” Steve replied, kneeling down on the blanket and letting his hand rest on Bucky’s leg. “Especially of this gorgeous brunette on my blanket.”

Bucky gave him a saucy look, pulling his sunglasses up over his hair and trailed a finger over those ridiculous abs of his. “Too bad we gotta keep this PG rated Captain.” He teased, resting his tongue on his bottom lip. “Seeing as there are kids around a and all.”

Steve grinned and leaned over to speak in his ear. “I know.” He whispered, his breath tickling Bucky’s ear. “It’s gonna be very difficult to keep my hands off you though Sergeant.” He is hand slid on the exposed part of Bucky’s thigh. “Such a dilemma.”

“Hmm..” Bucky said thoughtfully and then reached into the beach bag to pull something out. A bottle of sunblock. “I do need another layer of sunscreen.” He handed it o him and leaned back. “Think you can manage that big guy?”

“Oh I can manage.” Steve said with a knowing smirk. “But you better behave yourself jerk.”

Bucky just watched him with that same look on his face as he sat down behind him. “I promise nothing.”

It was a beautiful day, the rain had passed and Bucky was grateful for that. Even though yesterday had been magnificent in many ways, it had started off badly for him. And didn’t want it to ruin the last day they had here. Because with the exception of that morning incident this weekend had been perfect. He knew he had to go back and work on this. Knew he had to fix this. But a part of him wanted to stay in the perfection as long he could.

His eyes rolled and he lost his train of thought the minute Steve’s hands started spreading the sunblock on his back and shoulders, kneading them in the process. Letting his hands run all over his back and around his hips, just over the waistband of his shorts. He was good. He was very good.

Steve had brought the radio and right now it was playing Marvin Gaye as well. Son of a bitch.

“How am I am supposed to behave myself when you do shit like this punk?” He said to him, leaning back a little. “Everyone thinks I’m the damn troublemaker.. if they only know.”

He heard Steve chuckle in his ear. “All I’m doing is applying sunscreen.” Steve whispered right in his ear as subtly as possible. “Gotta make sure you got good coverage.”

His hands did a little subtle wandering, snaking under the waistband of Bucky’s shorts discreetly causing him to moan softly, his eyes fluttering under his sunglasses, which he’d put back on his face. He rested his metal hand on Steve’s leg and gave it a teasing squeeze as well.

“You do take good care of me.” He mused, resting a little more against him. “That’s for sure.”

Bucky let his other hand rest on Steve’s other leg and could see the glint of that lovely band on his arm and smiled, thinking about what it would be like to get married. Still unable to believe sometimes that that was allowed now. That he could not only sit like this with him, an obvious couple out in public, but actually marry him. That still boggled his mind sometimes when he thought about how much they’d had to hid it before. It was so freeing to think about.

When he’d first escaped Hydra he hadn’t remotely thought anything like this was possible either. He remembered hiding under bridges and sleeping in alleys. Of living in confusion and fear, in constant pain. Of being alone in the dark all the time.  And now here he was in the bright sunlight with the love of his life, actually engaged to be married. It just felt so surreal.

He was after all, the Winter Soldier. The most feared assassin in the world. And yet no one on this beach seemed to notice or care. If they’d known the depths of the things he’d done…

He felt a shudder go through him for a moment and knew Steve felt it too. “You okay?” He asked in his ear, letting his hands rest on his waist.

“Yeah.” He answered, hedging just a little, not wanting to ruin anything. “Just thinking that’s all.”

“You need to stop doing that so much and just relax.”

“I know.” He said quietly, leaning back against Steve and watching the waves. “I just gotta a lot of work to do that’s all.”

He felt Steve nuzzle his neck softly. “You don’t have to do it today.” He whispered to him. “Just relax beautiful.

He smiled and turned around his arms, crouching on his knee to loop his arms around Steve’s neck. “I’ll try.” He told him, brushing his lips over his. “But you keep touching me like that and there might be problems punk.”

Steve smirked at him, snaking his hand around the back of Bucky’s neck just under his ponytail. “I don’t hear you complaining jerk.” He softly growled to him. “In fact I think you were moaning just a little..”

He was, couldn’t deny that. He was so hot for him sometimes he could barely contain himself. He let Steve pull him into a heated kiss right there on the beach, letting his hands wander discreetly over that gorgeous chest and around to that muscular back. Not giving a shit about being discreet anymore. He’d had enough of that. He was head over heels for Steve Rogers, was gonna marry him and didn’t give a fuck who knew.

Suddenly he heard, or felt something approaching quick on his left and without even pulling away from the kiss, lifted his left hand reflexively, almost defensively, feeling something clang into his metal hand. It had the feel of a frisbee and opening one eye confirmed that it was in fact that. He’d caught it without even looking.  He pulled his lips away and smiled at Steve who looked at this almost unsurprised.

“Holy shit.” He heard a random person say and saw Steve chuckle.

“Still got the reflexes of damn cat.” Steve mused. “Some things never change.”

The fact that he didn’t even see it, just knew it was coming which was what was far more impressive. And a little scary. He’d been good before but not that good. That was training. A brief flash of being blind-folded and having to fend off attacks flew through his mind. It was important to anticipate to the point where he could almost hear the vibration in the air of an object coming toward you. This worked well in the dark for attack and defense he recalled. At least that was what they said. Another Winter Soldier memory that had somehow filtered into his daily life. He scrunched his face a little thinking of this and Steve noticed, looking concerned.

“Hey Buck.” He asked, reaching up to touch his face. “You okay?”

He shook himself out of that memory and turned back to Steve. “Yeah fine..” He then winged the frisbee back to its owner, a perfect arc throw was just natural ability not training. “Here you go kid..”

Seeing the kid nod out of the corner of his eye, a look of being impressed and maybe a little scared crossing his face before running off. He looked over Steve’s shoulder to where the beach curved slightly, seeing a lighthouse and some boats sailing by it. Continuing to push back the memories of brutal training. He felt Steve’s hand, rubbing the back of his neck softly and turning his face back to him.

“You sure about that?” Steve asked softly, letting his other hand brush a wind-blown strand of hair out of his face.

Bucky took in another deep breath of the salty air and just elected to drop it for now. It was too nice out to be locked into that dark place. So he wrapped his hands back around Steve’s back and leaned in to kiss him again.

“I’m fine punk.” He whispered as their lips met again. “Let’s just enjoy the rest of the day.”

He felt Steve pull him down onto the blanket, his hand fisting his ponytail, other arm wrapped around his back. He smiled into the kiss, feeling the warm sun on his back and the sea-breeze in his hair and just let himself forget all about his earlier thoughts. This was perfect and he was happy. The bad thoughts could wait for another day.

\--

In the car on the way home to New York, Steve looked over and saw Bucky was napping in the passenger seat, Arya curled up on his lap, her leash lashed securely around Bucky’s metal arm. This had been a compromise he recalled due to Bucky’s adamant refusal to put her in a carrier a while back.

“I’m not putting her in a cage Steve.” He recalled Bucky saying, holding her in his arms while they were about to take her to the vet. “She’s been in enough cages.”

Steve remembered being a bit exasperated. “It’s the law Buck I didn’t write it.”

“Fuck the law.” Bucky had retorted, attaching the leash to her harness. “She’s just a little cat.”

“Bucky..”

“She’s not going in a cage Steve.” Bucky had growled at him. “Never again.”

He’d remembered looking in his eyes at that moment and realizing this wasn’t just about Arya. He himself had been locked up, shoved in tubes and cells and still had claustrophobia over it to this day. Steve knew Bucky saw himself in Arya, the abused little cat that had adopted them and his mule-headed stubbornness about this was deep-seated. So he’d given in on that one.

“Okay.” He’d said, sighing heavily. “But what if a cop pulls us over.”

“I don’t know punk you’re Captain America you’ll figure it out.”

Glancing over at them he smiled, thinking it was the right decision even then. Arya never showed any sign of distress in the car and always stayed perfectly put on his lap. She was in fact, resting under his metal arm, purring way contentedly. Steve reached over and scratched her head, keeping away the highway blindness by changing up the routine slightly.

He glanced up at Bucky, who was snoozing on the seat with his mouth partly open. Looking pooped from the day but contented. And he was glad they’d gone away for a few days. And that it had gone mostly well. A few blips here and there but for the most part it had had the desired effect of taking his mind off the intensity of his therapy and his struggles, if only for a few days. His head had even healed up pretty good, the bruise there in that yellow stage of healing with no real ill effects.

The radio was playing softly a strangely appropriate song..

 _“There's a song that they sing when they take to the highway_  
A song that they sing when they take to the sea  
A song that they sing of their home in the sky  
Maybe you can believe it if it helps you to sleep  
But singing works just fine for me

_So goodnight you moonlight ladies_

_Rockabye sweet baby James_  
Deep greens and blues are the colors I choose  
Won't you let me go down in my dreams  
And rockabye sweet baby James”

 

He let his hand brush his hair softly causing him to stir a little and open his eyes to smile at him. “We there yet?” Bucky asked sleepily, looking out at the dark road groggily.

“No still about an hour out of the city.”  He answered, turning the radio down a little. “You can go back to sleep if you want.”

“Think I’ve gotten enough sleep.” Bucky mused, rolling his head to look at Steve as he drove. “It was more like a cat nap actually.” He smiled and petted Arya who hadn’t bothered to wake up herself. “They know what they’re doing that’s for sure.”

He then seemed to roll his head back to the passenger window again as if lost in thought. Steve reached over and picked up his metal hand, running his fingers over the silver and gold segments before lifting it to his lips and kissing the fingers. That metal, made from vibranium, had such a strange warm texture. Not exactly like skin but something close to it. And it seemed like Bucky could feel him do it because he turned back to him, his blue eyes looking troubled by the lights of the dashboard.

“You okay?” He asked him, still holding his hand.

Bucky sighed softly. “Yeah I suppose.”

“What’s on your mind Buck?” He asked, glancing over. “And don’t tell me nothing.” He side smiled at him. “I know you.”

“This was a great weekend.” Bucky answered, squeezing his hand back a little. “I’m glad we did this.”

“Me too Buck.” He said softly, looking over at him questioningly, waiting for him to say what he was really thinking now.

“We’re going back now and..” He said and paused for a moment as if thinking of what to say. “I don’t know what’s gonna happen now.” He stared out the window at the scenery passing by in the dark. “Igot a lot of work to do and I’m..  kinda scared..”

“It’s gonna be alright Buck.” He reassured him, squeezing his hand again. “You’re gonna make it.”

“I hope so.” Bucky said quietly, biting his lip in that nervous way of his. “Cause this is gonna be rough Steve.” He lifted his hand, looking at the metal band around his wrist. “But I gotta push through it.” Steve thought he saw a ghost of a smile light those haunted eyes a little. “Because I’m finally gonna marry you punk.”

“Damn straight jerk.” Steve replied, squeezing his hand again. “Just be careful okay? Letting go of his hand he softly touched the healing bruise. “I’ve worked too hard to get you back you’re not getting away this time.”

He saw Bucky smile at him softly, his eyes fluttering shut as if he was falling asleep again.  Lulled again by the soft sound of the truck engine and the music playing in the background. And Steve was content to let him do it. Let him get all the rest he could right now. All the peace and quiet he deserved. He was going to need it. The hardest part was coming.

Steve picked up his hand again and kissed it as he slept, turning his eyes back to the road, seeing the city lights coming up on the horizon as they got closer to home.

“I love you Buck.” He said softly, holding those fingers to lips a little more. “We’re gonna be fine I swear.”

He saw out of the corner of his eye, Bucky smile softly in his sleep, almost as if he could hear him and Steve was glad for that. And used it to comfort himself, knowing the hardest part was coming. But they’d get through it. They always did.

He kept his hand looped with Bucky’s as drove them home. To their home to face whatever came next.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay well how'd you like the surprise? I was planning on getting them engaged for a while and it was originally going to be in a later chapter but stories are organic and as Nat tells Steve, the right time can't be planned can it? It seemed like the right time for them and for me so I jumped in and squeed a little when I wrote it :)
> 
> As for the bracelet I was looking for something a bit more personal than a ring and looked up alternatives to it and found these metal bands you can customize and that seems more their style than a traditional ring. It's some made specifically for Bucky, like his dogs tags and like those it's symbolic. Gives him something tangible now to shoot for. And object, like a talisman that he can grasp when he's deep in it. And I just love the idea of it general.
> 
> btw when the marriage occurs you will see some of it, it won't be for a bit, because Bucky has work to do, but I promise it will be worth it. 
> 
> Bucky's tendencies toward self-harm are still there as you can see, and Steve is thankfully very observant of it, so he knows the difference and won't inadvertantly harm Bucky. He's also very self-aware of his own proclivities sometimes and how they apply to this issues Bucky sometimes has. The type of abuse Bucky suffer is very insidious and it effects take a long time to shake, but fortunately he has a good support system around him and is much more self-aware than he used to be.
> 
> There was a lot of fun fluff in this chapter too, keeping them inthe vacation mode a little longer because the hard work is coming up in the next couple of chapters so I wanted to give them, and you guys a break for a bit before really pushing through that. You got a bit of a preview and Bucky's apprehension about the merging will do to him initially. And that apprehension and worry is well-founded. Bucky will emerge even more beautiful than before but he is going to have to walk a hard road first. Because there is a lot to sort through. But he will recover.
> 
> The songs you saw in the chapter were 'Shallow' by Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper (who as you know plays our favorite racoon) and 'Sweet Baby James' by James Taylor both of which seemed fitting in this chapter. 
> 
> As I said the next one will start delving in the intense process he has to go through, and Wanda and Tony will play big parts in this process. 
> 
> As usual thank you all for your lovely comments and insight.And got some good questions too so feel free to continue giving them.*muah* to you all <3<3


	33. The Space Between

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was late too, battling headaches (something Bucky and I have in common it seems) but here you go :)
> 
> artwork for this chapter on my tumblr.

Bucky sat back from painting and looked at his canvas, feeling slightly confused at what was appearing. Partly because the image had a nagging familiarity to it that he couldn’t quite pull into focus.  It felt like a memory. Not a bad one either, but something he desperately wanted to remember.

It looked like an abandoned building, slightly damaged on the exterior. It could’ve been apartments or a house or something, he couldn’t quite tell. It was at dusk and there seemed to be what looked like a low light in the window. A kerosene light like the ones they used back in the war when taking shelter and he pretty sure that’s when the painting was taking place.

He didn’t think of the war that much. His memories of it were badly damaged, and a lot of them too close to the torture and pain he endured. Which was why it was strange that he would paint something from it.

A partial memory came into his head, hearing his own voice from the past coming back to him.

_“Are you sure it’s safe?” He’d asked looking over at Steve who was standing next to him. “I mean..”_

_“I know what you mean Buck.” Steve had answered as they scanned the area. “And it is..”_

Bucky blinked at this memory, remembering how he was at the time, still adjusting to his new reality. To the trauma the war was already inflicting. It was in that time between when Steve had rescued him and the fall from the train, and it was still a fuzzy area for him, his mind already becoming chaotic from the experiments Zola had already done. And he was still processing Steve’s transformation as well. It was a difficult time to recall and it seemed strange that he pulled this memory up out of it. There had to be a reason.

It was added to his list of things he was still figuring out. That was a long one.

They’d been back from vacation for a couple of days and had taken a little time to unwind at home, but this had been disrupted when Bucky was plagued by nightmares again. Of that corridor that had become increasing real to him to the point where he wasn’t sure it wasn’t. That his mind had actually created this actual physical place that he could literally travel to. Like Oz or Wonderland, but darker and more dangerous.

And in the dreams lately he was trapped in it and could not find the Winter Soldier now. He’d seemingly vanished from his line of sight. And the door to the Mission Reports was shut tight. The place where the key was. It was terrifying because he was being pursued by that monster without a face. Who he may have killed in the real world decades ago, but felt very much alive in this place.  All his senses felt him and it was horrifying.

He’d woken up screaming several times and had been nauseous the last 2 mornings.

It had been one of many things he’d mentioned with Amelia today, and he had a lot to talk about with her. Some good and some bad. And some in between stuff. He was reluctant to bring up the incident before Steve’s proposal, feeling a strange level of shame in that but it got out just the same, along with his concerns over his progress and things his mind was doing to him lately.

He had learned it was okay to talk about just about anything in here. That it was safe. That he was safe.

“It’s getting to you isn’t it?” She’d asked him, observing his body language quiet well. “All of it. Maybe that’s why that incident happened and these dreams are occurring.”

“I don’t know I suppose.” He had had answered, absently turning his bracelet around as he talked. “It feels like it got worse instead of better.” He looked out the window of the office, although not really looking at anything in particular. “It’s like I’m trapped in there with… him.. and I can’t find the Soldier anymore. “ He bit his lip. “It’s like he’s just.. gone.”

“And that scares you?”

“Yeah it does.” He admitted, not looking back just yet. “He’s a part of me and I need him.. and it feels like I’m too late to help him.” He swallowed hard and looked back at her pained. “That maybe its too late to fix me.”

She looked at him sympathetically. “It’s not too late.” She told him, resting her hand on his flesh one softly. “And I don’t think he’s gone, he just might be deeper inside that’s all.  It just might be more difficult to find him but we can.”

Bucky nodded. “I need to find him. “ He said adamantly. “I don’t think I can get better without him now.” He looked down at his wrist and his face pulled into a melancholy smile. “And I need to.”

“I know you do, but you can’t push yourself too hard.” She had explained. “You could push yourself into a psychotic break if you’re not careful.” She patted his hand gently. “We don’t want that to happen again.”

She had explained to him that that was essentially what had happened early on, that the experiments and the torture and abuse caused a break with reality in his mind. That his murder of his abuser had been a direct result of this. And in therapy he had recalled several attempts while locked up by them to smash his head into the wall which resulted in him being chained up for a while. Not because they cared but they didn’t want to damage the ‘asset’. And he simply couldn’t cope with what had happened to him. And she’d mentioned this had happened again when he’d cut his wrist back in October. She had expressed concern many times about taking it slow and Bucky had tried to follow her advice, but impatience was getting the better of him lately.

He was still thinking about this as he was painting, along with what this painting actually meant, when the doorbell rang, pulling him out of his thoughts. He’d almost forgotten Wanda was coming over to join them for dinner tonight. And Steve was still out grocery shopping. And probably signing a few autographs while he was there too, Bucky though slightly amused at this.

He got down the stairs, checked the camera and confirmed it was her before letting her in. Arya of course, scampered over the minute Wanda came in and was immediately scooped up but her adopted aunt and loved on.

“I see how it is.” Bucky said with mock offense.

Wanda rolled her eyes and then gave him her biggest smile before hugging him too. He loved her hugs, she was one of the few other people besides Steve that was allowed to do it and she never failed to squeeze the breath out of him when she did.

“Oh my God you look so much better.” She told him, touching his head where the bruise was finally healing. “How was the vacation?” she wrapped her arm around him. “Tell me all about it.”

“It wasn’t that much shakes you know… just a couple of old farts hanging out by the water.” He told her, deliberately downplaying it just for kicks. “Celebrated Steve’s, nearly burned down the hotel room with all the candles on his cake.. you know shit like that.”

She must’ve noticed, or her empath abilities picked up on it, that he wasn’t telling the whole truth. “Why do I feel like you’re leaving something out.”

“Hmm let me think.” He said as he gave her a bottle of water from the fridge. “Oh yeah.” He lifted his arm to show her the bracelet. “I’m engaged.”

Wanda’s eyes flew open and she rushed over, picking up his hand to look at it.  “OH MY GOD!” She practically shrieked and hugged him again. “And you’re just telling me now?”

She was referring to the fact that they’d been texting quite a bit and he hadn’t mentioned it. He was still a bit old-fashioned and thought news like should be delivered in person. And he just wanted to see the look on her face. Which was well worth it.

“Did you think I’d tell you something this important in a text?” He admonished her. “I’m an old fogey remember?”

“Alright I’ll give you that.” She teased, turning the bracelet in her hand to study it a little more. “It’s beautiful.” She smiled up at him. “You have to tell me all about it now. Don’t leave anything out.”

And he did, being surprisingly open about the circumstances leading up to it. Like with Sam he was comfortable confessing things, knowing they were friends and he could trust them. Which had not come easy to him, but he done it and now he had friends he could trust. And these days he needed that.

He also wanted to show her his latest painting, hoping maybe she could help him sort it out as well as few other things that were on his mind as well.

As they sat down on the couch in the art studio, Bucky had time to reflect that this was his favorite room in the house. It held so many memoires and reminders of his healing process already, and even though some of those things were painful it had all been part of it. Looking at the windowsill and remembering their conversation there, of making love afterward. Seeing the painting he’d made, some of happy memories, some of not so happy but all of them parts of his healing process. There was also a shelf that contained some of Steve’s silly collection of stuffed animals they had found over their travels. Even the couch they were sitting on, was a place where formal and informal therapy had occurred.

It was a warm safe place that was chronicling his recovery and he loved its addition to the house.

Wanda sat across from him, Arya curling up in between them, and sort of studied him in that moment. He smiled back at her, knowing he needed to ask her a few things, but not sure how. So they sat in a companionable silence for a bit.

“You know whatever you’re painting it’s important to you.” She told him after a bit, looking at the uncovered work not far from them. “You’ll know what it means when the time comes.” She petted the cat, leaning on her own arm. “It’s your process that’s all, everyone has a different one.”

“Yeah I know.” He replied, his own hand absently petting the cat as well. “I just never knew I could do that.. Steve was always the one drawing all the time.. I never even thought about it.”

“Sometimes we have abilities we never knew we had. “ She told him, lifting her hand and Bucky saw that familiar red glow. “And then we learn about them, and how to master them… and then we learn our process.”

He watched her for a moment longer and then finally decided. “I need your help with a few things.” He asked hesitantly and added. “And we can’t Steve. At least not right away.”

The idea of keeping something from Steve bothered him a little but he knew Steve would be worried, hell even pissed if he knew what Bucky wanted to do. What he was planning on doing. After the concussion he had been adamant about him taking it easy and if he’d heard what Amelia said he’d double down even more on it. Steve was protective of him, with good reason, but Bucky was feeling particularly headstrong about this right now, wanting to blow some of those doors open and see how far he could go no matter what the risk was.

He knew Wanda knew that too. Knew she would help him, but only so far too.

“Okay.” She answered, looking up at him with an assessing look. “Like what?”

“Well first of all you said you could go inside my head right?”

“Yes.” She replied but gave him a concerned look. “I also said it was risky.” Her gaze softened a bit. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

Bucky smiled softly at him. “I trust you.” He told her and got a little more comfortable on the couch. “But maybe we can just do a test run.. nothing too strenuous. Just to see if it’ll work.”

“Alright.” She said, leaning forward and lifting her hand. “But if I see any signs of distress, I’m pulling the plug okay chief?”

“Yes ma’am.” He answered and leaned back against the couch a little. “Let’s see what you can do.”

He closed his eyes and felt her hand on his forehead. Felt the warmth of her fingers and that other increasing warmth as well. Felt it penetrating into his head, opening a pathway and lighting it up. But at the same time that warmth was lulling him to sleep as well, he felt his eyes fluttering shut. Feel himself travelling again, down hallways to the dark one with the light at the end. That tantalizing light that he couldn’t access yet. The warm red light seemed to light it a little more, illuminating all the shadows.

And he felt her presence with him, next to him in there.  She was inside with him. It was a strange new feeling. A welcome one.

All the doors were swung open, revealing painful memories that she could clearly see as well, he knew. There was a relief in this strangely enough. Not an invasion like they’d done. Because he let her in there with him. Let her share some of it with him, knowing she would never use it to hurt him.

“You have so much pain here.” He heard her voice say, hearing pain in it. “I’m so sorry.”

He turned his head and she was standing there, a slight red glow around her, and he realized it was on him too. He took her hand and felt comforted again. And searched for the Soldier. The only sign of him were tracks in the dust leading away. And a bit of blood.

“He’s not here.” He said despairingly. “I don’t know where to look.”

But others were here, he could hear them and knew she could too. Could sense the fear growing in him at the sound of those approaching footfalls. Boots that terrorized his nightmares. He shook from that fear and felt her hand grip his tighter. The warm red glow increased around them, lighting up the corridor even more.

“That’s enough.” She told him. “I’m getting you out of here now.”

He nodded, this was after, just a test run, and felt himself be pulled back from that dark place back into the light again and his eyes flew open as Wanda released his head. He sat there for a moment, stunned that that had even happened. Feeling slightly drained and a bit emotional at the same time. He looked up into her eyes knowing she could see it.

“I guess it worked.” He said, his voice shaking just like his body was. “You were there.”

She looked at him sadly, taking both his hands. “I was.” She said quietly. “I saw your pain. You hurt so much.” She squeezed his hands in hers and he could feel that warm glow again. “You’re so strong to carry all that.”

Taking one of her hands off his she wrapped it around his head and held him to her, and he didn’t fight this at all, just let her comfort him. She was after all, like a damn sister to him now and sharing this with her was such a comfort to him.

“Thanks kid.” He whispered into her shoulder, closing his eyes.

“Anytime.” She replied, lifting his head with her hand on his face. “Do you need anything right now?”

“I’m okay.” He reassured her, even though he felt tired like he always did. “But I do need to talk about a few more things before Steve gets back.”

“Okay.” She replied, leaving a comforting hand on his face. “Lay it on me.”

\--

“You know people normally sit in chairs right?”

Steve saw Bucky look up from his bowl of ice cream as he sat on the island in the kitchen. It was such a comical look of surprise that Steve thought that it was the cutest thing. Even as he was taking in the gorgeous sight at the same time because, well, damn he looked good.

He was wearing a dark blue, form-fitting button shirt with a pair of faded jeans, which were capped by those silly bunny slippers he loved.  The sleeves were rolled up, bracelet shining on his flesh arm, dog tags hanging out of his shirt. His hair was tied back in a loose ponytail, those stray tendrils of brown hair hanging in front of those teal colored eyes as he spooned ice cream between those beautiful, always kissable lips of his.

He just looked delectable and Steve was drinking up the sight of him sitting there casually, something of which Bucky seemed to notice, causing him to hood his eyes and smirk at him as he continued to eat.

“Anyone can sit in a chair punk.” He told Steve, his dark lashes framing those teasing eyes. “And I’m not just anyone.”

Steve crossed his arms, giving him another up and down look with his eyes. “You sure aren’t.”

They had had a nice dinner with Wanda, who had been over the moon about their engagement, wanting to help them plan everything for when they settled on a date. And Steve got the impression that the two of them had a little secret or two between them just by their general behavior with each other and he was mildly curious about what might’ve been. But Bucky did confide in Wanda, just like he did with Sam, they were good friends and Steve was happy he had other confidants to talk to and didn’t feel a need to ask just yet.

But there had been something else too. Bucky seemed a bit worn and tired. It could’ve been from just painting, or his lack of sleep from the nightmares lately but it looked similar to the way he’d looked when he’d.. pushed things a little hard and Steve did have a mind to ask him. But not while Wanda was there. The issue of him pushing himself too hard was between them and he didn’t want their friends in the middle of it.

“Do you want some of my ice cream?” Bucky asked teasingly, getting that saucy look in his eyes now. “I mean you look kinda hungry Rogers just saying.”

“Maybe I am.” He replied, slowly walking over and leaning his hands on the island counter on either side of Bucky’s legs. “I like ice cream.”

He saw that twinkle in Bucky’s eyes as he spooned some ice cream out of his considerable helping and then lifted the spoon to Steve’s lips. “Well you are my fiancée and all.” He teased a little and Steve felt one of those slippers rub against his calf. “So I guess I gotta share.” He butted the spoon teasingly against Steve’s lips. “So open wide Captain.”

Steve smirked and then opened his mouth to let him feed him some ice cream. It was Moose Tracks, which had quickly become one of Bucky’s favorite flavors after he’d had some in Connecticut at an ice cream stand. Had absolutely demanded Steve find some for him and he had. It was a damn good flavor he had to admit, chocolate and peanut butter chunks interspersed with marshmellow and Bucky feeding it to him was just.. well.. delectable.

“I think I like this one too.” He told Bucky before leaning over and kissing him teasingly, running his tongue over his lips. “It tastes better on you though.”

Bucky chuckled against his lips, still holding the spoon his right hand, letting the metal fingers of his left curl around Steve’s neck as they kissed languidly. “Well if you wanna lick it off me sometime big guy..” He breathed against his lips. “That can be arranged.”

“Don’t tease me like that jerk.” Steve whispered as he pulled his lips away. “Because I might take you up on that.”

Bucky swished the spoon into the bowl, which was on his lap now, and took another spoonful, popping into his mouth. “Oh I hope you do.” He replied, giving him an ‘I dare you’ look. “That could be fun.”

Steve leaned over him a little more, taking the bowl from his hand and seeing it was a bit melty now. He smirked at Bucky and leaned in close. “Unbutton your shirt.” He said with a soft command in his voice. “Just a couple of buttons.”

Bucky nodded, and Steve could see the desire rising in him at the sound of that command. He reached up and did as he was told and then leaned back a little more himself. And watched as Steve lifted the spoon and scooped some of that ice cream right into the V where the shirt now opened. He licked his lips as it started to melt and drip over Bucky’s warms skin and was immediately turned on by the sight.

“Lean back.” He ordered him in that same tone, desire rising at the way Bucky followed those orders with a glazed look in his eyes. “Just like that.”

Leaning over he proceeded to lick it off his chest, slowly, teasingly and heard Bucky moan as he did it. He pulled the open lapels of that wonderful shirt further aside, undoing one more button and just went to town on his chest right there on the island counter in the kitchen. Bucky moaned thickly again, laying back more on the counter, letting the metal hand grip Steve’s hair and his slipper clad feet wrap around Steve’s calves for balance.

Reaching he found the bowl with one hand and pulled Bucky’s shirt even wider open and put the remaining ice cream on his chest and just ravished him. Running his lips and tongue over his chest and abs, tasting the various flavors of ice cream as he sucked on his skin. Bucky moaned and writhed under it until Steve was done and pulled him back up to kiss him, their tongues dancing deliciously together as they made out on the counter.

“That was fun..” Bucky moaned against his lips, his slipper clad foot wrapped around Steve’s thigh now. “We’ll have to.. get more ice cream..”

“Definitely.” Steve agreed, nuzzling his neck and biting it softly. “Cause next time I’m gonna smear it all over you and have myself a banquet.”

Bucky eyes glinted even more, getting that ‘fuck me’ look that made Steve hard almost instantly. “I’m gonna hold you to that punk.” He purred, his metal fingers gripping his hair.

Smiling against his neck, Steve slid his hands over his hips and started to pull his jeans off. They were his favorite pair, the well-worn ones that hugged Bucky’s body in all the right places. Accentuating some of his best attributes, like those thighs and sweet ass of his. Right now they were in the way though and he pulled them down, as Bucky kicked those bunny slippers off his feet, Steve feeling them bounce on the floor next to his feet. And, once he got the pants down, kicked them off as well.

“You know what jerk?” He asked told Bucky as he ran his hands over those now bare thighs. “I’m still kind of hungry.” He slid himself down to his knees, pulling those legs over his shoulders. “I need a little more.”

“Well..” Bucky observed, his back laying flat on the island counter now. “We are in the kitchen so..”

Steve nuzzled his inner thigh and bit it softly before opening him up and pleasuring him right there in their kitchen. He heard Bucky moan and whimper, his fingers digging into Steve’s hair as he was ravished. His arm jerked and some pans scattered noisily on the floor but neither of them cared.

Steve could feel the bracelet rubbing against his head occasionally as Bucky got a better grip and it turned him on further. They were engaged, and he was going to marry him. He felt that possessive love that said _Mine.._ and gave into it. Wanting to keep claiming this beautiful troubled soul as his over and over.

And thinking there hadn’t been a place or a surface in this house that he hadn’t had him. It was their home and every inch of it felt like in not just that way but in so many others as well. Like just laying on the couch watching stupid movies, or having breakfast together. Bucky painting in the sun filled room upstairs and the cats little multi-colored paw prints on the stairs. They had been making a life here and he couldn’t be happier about that. Even if the road was particularly hard sometimes.

He worked him until he came, pulling his hair with his metal fingers and shuddering as it fell over him. Steve then stood up and leaned over him on the counter again, taking in the sight of him laying there with his shirt open, tags laying on his heaving chest, his hair falling out of that ponytail onto the counter. Swollen lips parted, blue eyes glazed with desire. It was quite the sight. He reached his hand up and stroked that beautiful brown hair and smiled down at him softly.

“I love you Buck.” He told him, his eyes showing it clearly and openly to him in the moment.

Bucky’s eyes gleamed with emotion at that statement. “God I love you too punk.” He replied in a breathless voice, his metal fingers wrapping around the back of Steve’s neck again as he leaned up to kiss him. “I’m all yours.”

“Yes.” Steve whispered as their lips met. “And I’m yours jerk..always.”

Steve slid his hands down and pulled Bucky’s hips against his as if to confirm this and soon was rocking inside him, making love to right there on the island counter. Starting out soft and slow and then becoming passionate and heavy as it always did. Claiming him again as his, as if he needed to.

More pans fell off the counter, making a metallic and even in throws of passion they both laughed breathlessly hijacking each other’s lips in another deep kiss.

And it turned out to be a pretty steady counter even as it creaked slightly under the intensity of the passion. Another glorious memory created under the low glow of the kitchen light.

\--

They had some clean up to do in the kitchen, most of what was on the kitchen island ended up on the floor, although they had absolutely no regrets about it at all. In fact cleaning up after themselves just added more fun for them.

“Keep sticking your ass in my face we’re gonna have problems jerk.”

Bucky, who was on his knees on the floor bending over to pick up a pan, smirked and playfully wiggled said ass in Steve’s face. “I’m sorry but I do have to bend over to pick this shit up Rogers.” He retorted, looking over his shoulder with that same look. “It’s your fault anyways for ravishing me on the kitchen counter.”

“My fault huh?” Steve answered in a growly voice that loosened Bucky’s insides again. “You’re the one sitting there teasing me with that ice cream like that.” Bucky felt one of his hands snake around his waist as he bent to pick up a pan. “And looking hot doing it.”

“Don’t blame me for your lack of self-control punk.” He told him over his shoulder as he was pulled closer. “I can’t help the way I look.”

“The hell you can’t.” Steve growled again, those lips of his on the back of Bucky’s neck now. “You know exactly what your doing sweetheart.” He bit the back of his neck causing Bucky to moan softly. “Don’t play all innocent.”

Of course he did. He loved teasing him because it always led to good things, and he was already revved up from the counter sex, so it didn’t take much. He swore the serum had affected both their sex drives because they were like damn rabbits, which made his bunny slippers very appropriate sometimes. It could’ve been that, could’ve been the damn pheromones or just the fact that they were making up for a lot of lost time, whatever it was they were completely hot for each other and neither felt very apologetic about this.

“Come on Captain you’re just weak admit it.” He told him as he started to turn in his arms. “I can..”

He felt Steve fist his hair as he finished turning, pulling him to him to kiss him again.  “I suppose I am.” He breathed against Bucky’s lips. “Cause you’re just so fucking hot Sergeant.. you drive me crazy.”

Bucky grinned against his lips and dropped the pan he was still holding with a loud clang and soon they were screwing around on the kitchen floor this time. And clean up took a bit longer to accomplish as a result but it couldn’t be helped.

Later Bucky was dressed in his bedclothes laying on the bed writing in his journal. Steve had been doodling in his sketch pad but now was snuggled up behind him, arm around Bucky’s stomach as he finished what he considered to be nightly homework.  Steve had dropped the sketchpad in front of Bucky and he finally put his journal down to look at what Steve had drawn and smiled to himself.

It was a drawing of him sitting on the counter eating the ice cream. He’d done it from memory and it was beautiful, just a pencil sketch, but it captured everything.  Every detail of his appearance down to the strand of hair handing in his face and the kitchen light reflecting off the spoon and his arm. Bucky had always been awed by Steve’s drawing ability, as much as Steve was of Bucky’s paintings. The mutuality of the love of each-other’s artistic expression was another thing that bound them so intricately.

“I guess I am kind of hot.” Bucky mused, seeing himself the way Steve did in the drawing. “No wonder you can’t keep your hands off me punk.”

“Yes you are jerk.” Steve whispered in his ear. “You’re beautiful” Those lips nuzzled his neck softly. “Inside and out.”

He stared at the drawing a little longer, musing on his own painting in the art room and the fuzzy, confusing memory attached to it. Thinking maybe he should show Steve one of these days, maybe he would know. Was also thinking of earlier and how he was hiding things from Steve now, which made him feel dishonest. He was violating this new transparency they’d engaged in lately where they where they were honest about things and he felt the need to confess.

“Steve?” He asked softly, wrapping his hand around the hand pressed into his stomach. “I gotta tell you something.”

He felt Steve hold him a little tighter as if concerned. “What is it Buck?”

Bucky took a deep breath and let it out. “I went inside today… in my head.” He confessed, resting his head on the elbow of his flesh arm. “Wanda helped me. We were… testing it out.”

“Testing what?” Steve asked, and Bucky could hear the alarm in his voice.

“If she could do it” He answered, petting Arya, who’d crawled up next to him at some point. “To see if she could help me hold the connection open.”

“And did it work?”

“Yeah.” He told him, shifting slightly. “She even saw inside my head.”  He bit his lower lip. “She was in there with me.”

“You’re planning on doing it again aren’t you?” Steve asked, tightening his arm around him. “Going in further.” He also thought he heard a little anger in that voice as well, masked as concern. “And you weren’t planning on mentioning that you were doing this?”

His hackled went up a little at this. “I just did.” He replied, trying to keep it out of his voice. “I didn’t realize I had to check with you when it came to this shit.”

“I didn’t mean it like that Buck.” Steve answered, apparently picking up on this. “Its just when it comes to your health I get a little concerned that’s all.”

“I can handle this Steve..” He said, trying to keep his irritation in check, know Steve was just worried. But still felt the urge to pull at the reins a bit. “I need to know your behind me on this.. that you trust me.”

“Of course I do.” Steve whispered into the back of his neck. “And I am behind you.” He felt him smile against his neck. “Not just in the literal sense.”

Bucky actually did a little chuckle at that. “Okay then.. well.” He answered and then took another breath. “I may need more help with it.”

“From who?”

“Stark.” He said, his voice cracking a bit from the tremor that went through him just saying the name. “He has the tech I know he does.”

Steve didn’t answer right away just seem to hold him a little tighter now. Contemplating what he’d said and maybe the level of desperation he had to even consider this option. Bucky himself was feeling it that’s for sure. The mere thought of being in the same room with Tony was enough to induce a minor anxiety attack, as if any attack was minor mind you, but he knew his options were limited at this time. So he was trying to overcome that.

But it didn’t stop the horrible memories from falling into his head and overwhelming him, causing him to shudder again, which he knew Steve could feel.

“Are you sure about that?” Steve asked into his shoulder.

“Not really..” He said honestly, squeezing his eyes shut for the moment. “But I don’t got a lot of options right now.” He kept petting Arya, who was purring away unknowingly providing comfort even as she slept. “I can’t find him Steve.. I gotta try harder.”

“I know but… are you sure it’s safe?” Steve asked, his lips nuzzling Bucky’s shoulder through his shirt. “Did you talk to Amelia about it?”

Bucky immediately tensed, feeling defensive about this question. Caught Mostly because he didn’t want to answer it. Because he hadn’t really told her what he wanted or planned to do. Not yet at least And when he’d hinted at wanting to push it, he’d gotten some cautionary advice on it. But that wasn’t the only reason. There was deep down reason too. A feeling he didn’t get quite get yet.

A feeling that his privacy was about to be invaded, which was stupid because Steve wouldn’t do that but he found himself responding just the same.  As if he was trying to pry.

“Why do you want to know?” He asked, more sharply than he intended. “It’s none of your business what I say in there.”

“I know it’s not Buck.” Steve answered evenly, letting his hand move softly over his stomach. “I’m just asking.”

His hackles were up again and he hated that he was even feeling like this, questioning him like that but he just couldn’t help it. He knew he was defensive because he wasn’t being honest and was sort of caught in it a bit. Wanting to get up and stalk off somewhere for a while, to get away from the questioning eyes that might make him even more honest. But he stayed put. He wasn’t going to run away anymore he’d promised himself that.

“She just told me to be careful that’s all.”

She had actually warned about the possibility of another psychotic break, not that he was going to tell Steve that just yet. Some things he was better off not knowing. At least that’s how he justified the omission.

“She’s worried about you.” Steve said softly now nuzzling his face under Bucky’s hair. “I am too.” He felt Steve’s leg sort of lay over his now in a comforting way. “You’re still pushing yourself too hard and I don’t want you to hurt yourself again.”

He was sure Steve was referring to when he cut his wrist, not even considering he was referring to the concussion and strain on his mind. It was the same difference to him. He remembered Amelia’s words, about how his mind had snapped that day too, which had resulted in him scaring the shit out of Steve by hurting himself and He couldn’t take the idea that Steve might still worry about that. Because the truth was even though he said he wouldn’t, he knew his potential for self-harm. In more ways than one.

“You think I’d do that again?” He asked, very defensively now, feeling himself tighten up. “You think I’m that fucking fragile?”

“No Buck.” Steve replied, not responding to the edge in Bucky’s voice, his own just getting softer. “I don’t think you are. I just love you and I’m worried that’s all.”

Bucky felt emotional at those words, knowing he was worried and feeling like a jerk for snapping a little. Not always understanding why he got so defensive and needed to push back like that sometimes. Almost like he was testing him even though he didn’t need to. He entwined his metal fingers in Steve’s and closed his eyes, taking a deep breath and trying to calm himself again.

“I’m sorry.” He said quietly, shifting his body slightly so Steve could hold him better. “I know you’re worried and you got a damn right to be.”

He felt Steve lips press his lips into the back of his neck causing him to shiver a little. “I’m just afraid one day you’re not gonna wake up from that.” He heard him say against the back of his neck. “And I don’t know if I can deal with that.” He seemed to squeeze him a little tighter if that was possible. “I can’t lose you again.. I just can’t.”

Bucky could hear the emotion in his voice, and it hurt his heart, causing him to turn around and wrap Steve up in his arms instead. He pressed his lips to his head and held him close to him. “I’m not planning on leaving you punk.” He whispered against his forehead. “It took me too damn long to get back to you.”

He felt Steve’s hand slide around the back of his head as his lifted his own to kiss him softly. Just the feel of his fingers combing through his hair like that felt precious to him.  The way they bunched his hair in between them softly. Hell the way he would passionately fist it felt beautiful to him. It was things like this, when he’d kiss and touch him softly, that were part of the reason why he fought so damn hard now.

For the cat laying next to them. Steve’s sketchpad with a pencil drawing of him in it. The art studio and the silly stuffed animals on the shelf. Baseball games, roller coasters and rainy days under the boardwalk. For dances in hotel rooms and kitchen sex and all the moments in between them. He was willing to walk through all kinds of hell for these things, to risk his sanity and maybe even his life for it. It was that damn important.

“Dam right it did jerk. “ Steve purred against his lips, tightening his grip on his hair a little. “And I’m sure as hell not letting you go ever again.”

Bucky smiled as he kissed him, feeling safe and protected, feeling like he could do anything as long as his gorgeous blonde idiot was with him, loving him through it.

\--

They had ended up just laying there like that, their foreheads against each other’s, neither one seeming to want to go to sleep. Bucky’s head was on Steve’s arm and he’d bent that elbow, currently using the hand that was attached to it play with his soft brown hair, keeping the other resting on his waist. Just sort of staring at him and thinking quietly to himself.

He wasn’t really okay with what Bucky wanted to do, it sounded risky, and he had the feeling Amelia had said more than what he said she had about it. Just the tone of his voice and the fact that he couldn’t quite see his face had solidified this idea for him. And it scared him a little that Bucky didn’t seem to want to share it, normally he wasn’t that testy when he asked him those things, at least not lately.

Steve knew he was pushing himself even harder now, in spite of being injured in the process of doing it. In spite of potential danger to his psyche, which was keeping a fragile balance of sanity that could teeter at any time. The tiredness in his eyes of late was a symptom he simply couldn’t allow himself to ignore much longer.

But he also knew he couldn’t stop him either. Couldn’t tell him what was right for him. To many people had tried to control him in that way he wouldn’t be one of those. But he was worried. All he could really do was support him now so he did.

“Do you want me to talk to Tony?” He asked after a time. “It might be easier.”

“I got the impression you didn’t want me to do this.” Bucky answered, looking surprised at the suggestion.

“I don’t.” Steve told him, sliding his hand over his hip. “But I know I can’t talk you out of it either so I might as well do my best to help you.”

Bucky smiled, his metal hand wrapped around Steve’s waist. “It would probably sound better coming from you.” Bucky replied, looking down with that pained look Steve hated so much. “I don’t think he’d wannna talk to me you know?”

“I don’t know about that Buck.” Steve answered honestly. “You two have barely said two words to each other for a long time but..” He stroked his hair softly. “He’s knows now that it wasn’t your fault.”

“I’m not sure about that.”

“I am.” Steve said with sureity in his voice. “He’s asks how you’re doing a lot. If you’re okay.”

Bucky looked surprised again, in a way that was painful. “He does?”

“Yeah.” Steve said, his voice softening, seeing that doubt and a bit self-loathing in his eyes. “I think he’d want to help you.” He gently pulled his face a little closer to his, seeing him close his eyes as if to hide that pain in them. As if he could. “I think it would be good for both of you.”

He felt Bucky take a deep, shaky breath. “Amelia said that too.” He admitted. “That it could help with.. you know.. the guilt.” A shiver seemed to run through him, causing that hand to flex a little into Steve’s back. “I just don’t how to… have that conversation.”

Steve could see him struggling yet again with that pain and guilt that plagued him at the mere mention of Tony’s name and remembered how they had all watched that tape. Had watched that horror unfold so painfully right in front of them. He had been very focused on keeping Tony from hurting Bucky but had seen the realization on Bucky’s face the same time, the dawning horror of seeing the actual consequences of something he’d done under duress right there in black and white. Seeing all that truth come out and for what? Revenge? Justice? Both Tony and Bucky could’ve lived their whole life without ever knowing that tape existed, but instead devastation was unleashed and was still being felt to this day.

“I don’t know either Buck.” He said softly to him, pressing their faces together a little more. “Just gotta feel your way through it I guess.”

“Yeah but.” Bucky started and the paused, and Steve swore he saw a single tear just like had that day. Which had in some ways been more painful than a flood of them. “I broke his mother’s neck… How do you apologize for something like that?”

Steve wasn’t sure he had an answer for that. It wasn’t as if there was one for the question that could undo the harm that was done. To them both. And he knew it didn’t really matter how many times he told him it wasn’t his fault, It would be hard to convince him with that memory floating around inside his head. Inside a door that was blasted open before he had been strong enough to cope with what was behind it. It took time and Steve knew all he could do was what Amelia had told him, to keep on loving and supporting him until he could find the strength to forgive himself for it.

“I can’t answer that for you Buck.” Steve whispered to him, brushing his hair with his hand again. “Just know that I love you and I’m here okay?”

He felt Bucky nod softly and nuzzle his face into Steve’s neck, resting his head under his chin. He didn’t want to talk anymore and Steve always respected that. Let him sort out what he needed to sort out in his head, just provided him the safe space to do it. He pressed his lips into his head, burying his face in his hair and just held like that until he fell asleep.

And before he went to sleep himself, he decided to let him do what he needed to do but would put a stop to it if it was clear to going to hurt him. He couldn’t control what he did, but he could protect him hurting himself in the process.

Even if he didn’t think he needed the protection. Whether he wanted it or not.  His whole world was wrapped up in his arms right now and he would be damned if he’d let it slip away every again.

So he allowed himself to get some rest, with the cat curled up next to them both.

\--

He was deep inside, not sure if he was awake or dreaming. The place felt so real that in spite of the fact that he knew it was just in his head, he could swear it was actual place. Wondering that made him crazy because he honestly didn’t know what other explanation there was.

The corridor was dark, very dark now. The only light was coming from behind that maddeningly locked door and some of the others as well. It flickered in that way that always caused him to shake when he was in the world. That always brought on that horrible flashback memory of that room and the horrors inside it. Which felt as real as this when it was happening.

The door Bucky needed to go through to find that strange key was closed and also locked today. And he still could not find the Winter Soldier. He was just.. not there.  Which terrified him for reasons he did not understand fully.

Maybe because he couldn’t get out without him.

And there was no protection from another presence that he could now hear coming. The clack clack of those boots echoing in the corridor. The crackle of the electricity and a terrifying blue light now flickering in the dark.

The smell of burning flesh and blood filling his nose as the shadow got closer to him.

“Comply Soldier.”

Bucky felt the panic rush through him, and he went for the door, the one that would never open, desperately hoping it would. But it would budge.

The boots moved closer, the light closing in. He could hear him breathing from behind him as he tried in vain to get it open. He felt a hand grip his hair, pulling it back. Hot breath on his neck as he was yanked back and forced to his knees.  As he was backed into the wall.

“Comply.” The sinister voice said. “Or else.”

The blue light flickered, and Bucky heard himself scream as he woke up, sitting bolt upright in the bed, feeling that familiar urge to throw up. The bile rising quickly in his throat because… he could taste it…

He felt a hand on his back and jumped a literal foot in terror before practically falling off the bed and sprinting for the bathroom. And just made it in time, losing his dinner from the night before in a hideous lurch, his stomach cramping but unable to stop sending things up.

This was the third time this week since they’d been back. Three straight days of screaming nightmares resulting in an impromptu trip to the bathroom to lose his previous nights supper. 

Bucky hung his head over the toiler a moment longer before flushing, and then felt Steve’s hand on the back of his neck, warm and soothing. This time he didn’t jump. It was as if he expected it. “Are you okay?” He heard Steve ask, sounding very concerned. Hell he was concerned himself now. “Buck?”

“I am now.” He replied, his throat sore from the dry heaves.

“This is the third time this week.” Steve reminded him, getting down on his knees too. “You need to talk to Amelia again.”

Steve knew, like Bucky did, it wasn’t anything physical. This was purely psychological. Bucky had conviction when they’d gotten home, to do something about his mental state. To bear down more but the nightmares had intensified, disrupting his sleep.  When he tried to take a nap, he’d be plagued by another. They weren’t always the same, but the last couple had caused him to vomit the second he woke up from them. It was induced from his terrified mental state but if he kept getting sick like this it could affect him physically.

“I know.” He said, exhaustedly leaning back against Steve, starting to feel disorientated in a scary way. “I just.” He couldn’t seem to get coherent words out now, his thoughts wouldn’t organize. “I can.. think..”

Bucky felt Steve’s lips press to the top of his head and shivered in his arms, causing the other man to wrap him up tighter. His stomach was empty and rumbling a little, but he didn’t feel like eating at the moment. Could still taste the bile and that.. other taste as well.  He could still smell the smell of blood and burnt flesh and his vision was still obscured, all tilted like he’d just gotten off a spinning ride.

“You’re shaking..” He heard Steve say as he pulled him a little closer. 

Bucky could see the trembling in his hands again and his vision started to waver even more, eyes fluttering. He was having a damn seizure, he knew it. Knowing it did nothing to prevent it from happening either he just knew it was coming and was terrified of it now. Because he’d go right back in he knew.

“Steve…” He stammered, his voice starting to slur just a little. “I think I’m… having…a…” He gripped his arm as tightly as he could. Like a manacle. “Seizure…”

He didn’t hear Steve’s response because he was back inside, but this place was slightly different, yet familiar. Another part of his head maybe, he wasn’t sure. No sign of danger but it was still terrifying. The sounds were all around him. Of torture and death. And what sounded like distant thunder, which confused him. Once his eyes adjusted their focus, he was able to pick up a light, a low one, like a kerosene lamp like the ones they’d used in the war, and a shadow moved in that light, coming closer. It was hunched and almost crawling, almost as if avoiding detection.

It was the Winter Soldier. And he looked like hell now. Face bloody and bruised. Just like Bucky felt inside. He was definitely seeing the symbolism now. As he got close their arms seemed to link together in the way one would when trying to pull someone out of the water by one arm.  He could feel the metal of the Soldier’s arm against his own it felt so real. The sounds of the metal plates clinking together echoing loudly in this maddeningly familiar place The sheer effort to hold each other up was exhausting to him. They pulled close, both t their flesh arms bracing them on the floor as they sat there eye to eye. A reflection of each other.

“Where… where did you go?” He asked the Soldier, tired and out of breath himself.

The Soldier didn’t answer, just looped his arm a little more around Bucky’s shoulder. “Rest” He finally said. “Safe.”

He blinked at Soldier as if not quite hearing him.  Once his vision came into focus a bit more the place was starting to look more familiar to him. The memory started to focus and then reassemble itself in something coherent. It was the place he was painting.

That abandoned building he and Steve had found during the war. In between when he’d been rescued and when he’d fallen. Where he’d been briefly allowed to rest. In the eye of the hurricane. The calm in the middle. Steve had taken him here. And they had… rested… And the Soldier was saying he could rest here again.  And he strangely felt himself wanting to.

In that moment he realized, that in even in here he still had that grounding bracelet on his wrist, like a talisman that kept him connected. He touched it, feeling it’s weight and then looked up at the Soldier, who nodded again, telling him it was okay to rest. So he did, letting himself slide down onto his side and just drift away into peace for a little while, deep inside his head. Where it was dark and quiet.

And even there he could feel fingers brushing his hair. Felt comforted and safe.

\--

It was unnerving and painful to watch and feel Bucky having a seizure, but at least he was in his arms this time and couldn’t get hurt. The bruised he’d gotten from that last collapse was almost gone, just a ghostly reminder but not in Steve’s head. It was still very present there.

He felt him shake harder and then seem to lose consciousness, his body going limp in his arms. He turned him to lay a little more on his shoulder and just sort of brushed his hair softly, which had fallen out of a ponytail he’d fallen asleep wearing.

He wanted to take him to the doctor but knew there wasn’t much they could do. They were told his seizure just needed to be rode out. That all he could do was keep him from getting hurt. So that’s what he did.

Suddenly Bucky seemed to shift and jerk slightly in his arms and then open his eyes, seemingly staring at the ceiling with a little confusion. But in that moment Steve could tell it wasn’t exactly him. The look was slightly different.

“Soldier?” He asked, resting a hand on the side of his face. “Where’s Bucky.”

The Soldier assessed him coolly and then his look softened slightly. “Resting.” He said simply, sitting up more in Steve’s arms.

“Is he okay?” Steve asked, not even questioning this situation anymore, just going with it now.

The Soldier seemed to nod slightly. “He’s tired.”

He then got up, extracting himself gently from Steve’s arms, not struggling just indicating he wanted to move, and Steve was still always fascinated by how mobile he was, especially after Bucky just was. To others this would’ve seemed completely insane but to Steve it was simply another aspect of Bucky’s quite amazing mind and it’s coping skills.

He followed him as he walked out of the bathroom and made his way to the art room. He stopped in front of Bucky’s latest painting as if studying it and looked at Steve with a strange look on his face.

“He’s resting here.” The Soldier told him and pointed to the painting.

Steve looked at it realizing he hadn’t seen this one yet, Bucky was sometimes reluctant to show him right away, because, in his words, he was never sure what they were when they started. But this one, it held no confusion for Steve, he recognized it. A long ago memory during the war. It had been a brief respite. It filled his head with clarity. The old abandoned house. The lamp in the window.

“I know this place.” He said to the Soldier, who looked at him curiously.  “I’ve been here.”

_He had started to understand the old adage that war was hell. He hadn’t known the full meaning of it until he’d finally gotten his chance to go. Until he had officially gone into combat. Until he’d found that lost unit in the compound._

_Until he’d found Bucky. Incoherent on a table, repeating his name, rank and serial number. Seen the marks on his face and the blood in his ear._

_Seen the lost look on his face that seemed to get worse by the day._

_The kind confident young man that had left him at the science fair that day had been brutally beaten back, his innocence slapped out of him. That spark he’d always had almost gone in a hazy blank stare that showed what war really did to people. Even if he hadn’t been captured and tortured he would’ve still been irrevocably damaged and Steve was starting to really understand why he hadn’t wanted him to come here._

_Once he was out of the infirmary and they’d had a little time, they’d taken a patrol together, and Steve had wanted to just get him to talk. To look him in the eyes again. To see if he could be retrieved from the hell in his head._

_As they walked he saw how hyper-alert he was, ready to shoot at anything that moved. Eyes everywhere at once. The grip on the rifle tight. Just wary._

_When they’d found the place, it was well after dark, but it was inside their zone so it was safe, it had been cleared but it didn’t stop Bucky from asking just the same._

_“Are you sure it’s safe?” He’d asked looking over at Steve who was standing next to him. “I mean..”_

_“I know what you mean Buck.” Steve had answered as they scanned the area. “And it is..”_

_Entering into the front door, for which the lock had long since been broken and walked around inside. It had been a home that was clear. A one level home. A kitchen, what passed for a bathroom, a living area and a few rooms that were most likely bedrooms. Steve saw Bucky stop in one that actually still had a bed in it and just seemed to stand there for a moment, taking it all in._

_He almost jumped a mile when Steve put his hand on his shoulder, it had one of the first times he’d touched him since he’d rescued him and the fear in his eyes was painful. All he wanted to do was wrap him up and hold him until it went away._

_“Are you okay?” He’d asked, letting Bucky get reacquainted with his touch._

_“Is anyone?” He asked allowed hollowly. “Because out here Steve that’s relative.”_

_Steve studied him for a moment and then very carefully put his hands on his shoulders, motioning for him to sit on the old bed, which he seemed to do without much fight. Staring through the window, into the distance. At nothing really._

_Pulling out a kerosene lamp he carefully lit and put it on the old table by the window. Looking out he could see what looked like lightning and heard what sound like thunder but were neither. It was simply the rumble of weaponry causing death and destruction miles away. A part of him in the present would wonder if maybe this was another reason, deep down, that Bucky got low during thunderstorms, the memory of the man-made storms with their rain of ash and the smell of death in the air._

_Truth was, he was already mangled inside. Hydra had just finished the job later._

_He turned to Bucky and walked over, crouching in front of him and looking into those already haunted blue eyes. “What happened Buck?” He’d asked, putting his hands on his. “What did they do?”_

_“I don’t wanna talk about it Steve.” He responded, seeming shutting himself off and getting up, picking up his gun and sort of absently checking his ammo. “It’s pointless.”_

_“Bucky..”_

_He whirled back to him, his gun in his left hand. “Why don’t tell me what happened to you?” He asked angrily. “What you did to yourself.” His face seemed to clench in pain and anger as he stepped forward. “I told you to stay home.. to not do anything stupid and you do this.”_

_“I told you what happened” He replied, stepping closer too. “And you know why I came here.”_

_“Yeah.. to prove something?” Bucky snapped at him, getting in his face. “To be goddamn hero. Well let me tell you something Steve.. there’s no such thing as goddamn heroes here… “ His eyes seemed to burn with pain now. “There’s just pain and death.”_

_“I know Buck.” He said, letting his voice lower in the moment instinctively. “But I’m not here to prove anything.. for glory..” He put his hands on his shoulders, looking in his eyes. “I’m here for you.. “_

_He saw what looked like tears prickling the edges of Bucky’s red-rimmed eyes as he stared back at him, throat working painfully. “I didn’t want this for you Steve.” He said finally, his voice choking a little. “I wanted you safe and now you’re here..”_

_He tore away and started working on the slide on his rifle again, as if trying to shut down the emotion. Steve just walked over and took it out of his rifle, putting it aside. He took his face in his hands and just kissed him softly. The first one in what had been a very long time. Since he’d left a year ago. He felt Bucky resist a little at first but then pull him closer, almost desperately._

_It felt strange at first, being taller, face to face instead of bending upward as he did it. In fact he was taller now by a few inches and it was Bucky who now had to turn his head up a little. Steve rested a hand on the back of his head, digging into his then shorter hair and took his time, letting him feel it. And feeling him let go and give into it._

_“I love you Buck.” He whispered against his lips. “I missed you so much.”_

_“You stupid punk.” Bucky breathed back, leaning his face against Steve’s. “I oughtta kick your damn ass.” His hands wrapped the back of Steve’s neck, cradling it. “But I love you too damn much.”_

_Steve felt those hands slide down off his neck, over his back and around to his chest, just seeming to want to touch him all over. They turned their heads and kissed again, more urgently this time and Steve could the feel need in Bucky. A need to forget the things he’d seen. To lose himself in feel of being touched and loved. And Steve felt the need to want to do that. To take care of him and love him in this quiet little place in the center of the storm._

_So he brought him to the old bed, pulling out a blanket as well and laid him down on it, feverishly removing each other’s clothes until there was nothing between but their tags. He could see bruises and needle-marks on Bucky, all over him, not knowing the horrors they’d inflicted on him but just wanting to soothe him. He ran his hands and lips over those hurt places and did what he could._

_“Are we safe here?” Bucky asked again, looking up at him in the low light._

_“Yes.” He whispered to him, trailing his lips over his neck softly. “We are.”_

_It was for the moment at least. There were pictures on the wall, something someone the people who’d lived there had hung in the past. Of boats and water. Of peace and quiet. It had been someone’s home once and for tonight, it was theirs as well. Out here you just made due._

_They made love there with a soft urgency as the war continued to rage on in the distance, the light and the booms of the weaponry seeming far away but very close. Steve let Bucky grip and claw him, let him exorcise the pain the way he needed to. To cry it out moved together in the low light. He gave him what he needed in the heat of their passion. It good, right. Like coming home. Of less painful times before they’d come here and collected real scars._

_And when he held him afterward, their naked bodies held close together under the blanket, Bucky buried his face in Steve’s shoulder and let some of his pain out finally. Letting Steve hold him as he did._

_And told him a little of what they’d done to him. What he could bring himself to confess that was. Talking about painful drug injections and electric shock in a painful disjointed way. And Steve held him close, giving him what comfort he could in the moment. Taking care of Bucky the way he’d always done for him._

_“We’ll find them all Buck.” He said softly to him, stroking his hair. “We’ll take them all out and they will never hurt you again I promise.”_

_He’d remembered the way Bucky had laid his head on his chest and closed his eyes, allowing himself to rest for a little while. And that he himself had stayed awake, wanting to make sure he slept that night. How he’d shaken from nightmares but was held through them. And while he wasn’t okay, would never be okay, for the time being, he was better._

_Looking back he’d realized what a hollow, naïve kind of promise it had been. But he’d also realized that in the moment he’d been able to give him some peace and quiet in the middle of the horror. Providing comfort in the space between and he knew that maybe that had been what mattered most in the end._

He looked at the Winter Soldier who’d been watching him intently, taking it in in that strange way of his. This other part of Bucky absorbing the information for the part that was sleeping he knew.

“I told him I’d protect him.” He said out loud, not bothering to hide the pain in his voice. “And I didn’t.“

The Soldier tilted his head as if he didn’t get this. “But you did.” Was his response, his eyes boring into him. “You always protect us.”

“I let him fall.” Steve said, shaking his head. “And they hurt him again.”

The Winter Soldier seemed to look distressed at this and stepped forward, putting his hands on Steve’s face. “No. You saved us.” He told him, looking in his eyes. “We are alive because of you.”

He looked into those eyes that were Bucky’s but weren’t at the same time. This side that was honest and forthright. Only recently learning how to trust and he knew it was true. Because the Soldier never lied or tried to placate him.

“But I didn’t protect you.” He said softly. “I let you down.”

He’d been over this before and thought he’d passed it but it was clear he hadn’t.  The more Bucky struggled and fought this madness brought on by this trauma he felt he could’ve prevented, the worse he felt sometimes. And telling the Winter Soldier was in a strange way, another catharsis, like when he’d told Bucky. Now both parts of him knew.

“All our safe places come from you.” The Soldier said with perfect calmness as he stood in between Steve’s arms in the art studio. “You have always protected us.”

He then leaned up and kissed him softly, his hands still on Steve’s face and he let his arms wrap around his waist, holding him closer. He felt at that moment, the cat weave her way between their legs and felt the purity and the peace of the moment as the sun shined on them through the picture window, lighting up the room.

“We love Steve.” The Soldier said softy, leaning his head against Steve’s.

Steve took a deep breath as he stood there, his eyes close. “I love you too.”

They stayed like that for a few minutes and then a familiar shudder seemed to go through Bucky’s body and he opened his eyes, looking confused for a moment. And like he might collapse. “Steve?” He asked, sounding like he was coming out of a dream. “What?”

Steve kept his arms around him, holding him steady, knowing his last memory was of having a seizure in the bathroom and now he was here, in the studio, standing in Steve’s arms. It must have been very confusing, but he’d woken up in worse ways than this as he recalled. Was probably strangely used toit.

“It’s okay Buck.” He said softly to him, kissing his head. “I got you.”

He felt Bucky take a deep breath as he held his lips to his head. “How long was I gone?”

“Long enough.” He told him, brushing that stray strand of hair from his eyes. “We’re gonna take care of this.” He then took his face in his hands and looked in his eyes intently. “I’m gonna call Tony and we’ll do whatever you need to do. Within reason.”

He vowed that he would support him and protect him at the same time. Lowing his hand he picked up the wrist that had the engagement band on it and ran his fingers over it as if to non-verbally tell him this too. Bucky looked up at him as if getting the message loud and clear.

When he said the end of the line, he meant it in every way possible.

“Okay.” Bucky said in a quiet, contemplative voice. “When do we start?”

Steve pulled his lips to his and kissed him again before pulling back, looking into his tired eyes for a moment. “After you get some more sleep.” He told him, wrapping his arm around Bucky’s waist and lifting him up off the floor. “And no arguments about that jerk you got it?” He nuzzled his face to his. “Captain’s orders.”

“You always gotta pull rank on me don’t you punk?”  Bucky lamented, burying his face in his shoulder as he was carried back to bed. “It’s not fair.”

Steve chuckled as he laid him down on the bed, watching as Arya hopped up on the bed too. “Make sure he sleeps little love.” He said to her, petting her head and then pulling the covers over Bucky, who looked like he was going to fall asleep at any minute. “I’m counting on you.”

Arya meowed as if to confirm this and promptly laid on Bucky’s feet.  “You both ganging up on me.” He said with a mock pout. “I see how it is.” He smiled and his eyes fluttered shut tiredly. “Steve?”

“What?” He asked, resting his hand on his face.

“The house I painted. “ Bucky asked sleepily. “We were… there weren’t we?”

Steve smiled softly at him. “Yes we were.” He told him, leaning over a little. “During the war.”

Bucky curled on his side a little more, resting his head on his flesh arm, looking tired and haunted for a moment. “I don’t remember much about then.. “ He said, flicking his eyes  to Steve. “It’s.. too close to..” He trailed off and scrunched his face up a bit, in a way that would be cute if he wasn’t so haunted at the moment. “I just know that place felt.. safe.. don’t know why cause it’s all fuzzy but…you know..”

He felt somewhat sad that he didn’t remember that, but he supposed he was right, it was just too close to other to the painful stuff. He hoped he would remember it someday. The few bright spots in the middle. It was enough to know that he sensed it. That he remembered being safe for a time. But right now he wanted to him to get some more sleep.

“I know Buck.” He said softly. “Go back to sleep.” He leaned over and kissed him sofrtly. “I mean it.”

“Aye aye Captain.” Bucky said sassily, his eyes fluttering closed. And he seem to shift slightly and open them again.

Steve watched him until he was sure he was asleep, watching his breathing even out. He turned on his side and Steve watched Arya crawl under that metal arm and curl up there, going to sleep herself. He loved this sight and just took a minute to take it in. His whole damn world right there in that bed. He’d do what he had to take care of it.

A little bit later he pulled out his cell phone and made that call. “Hey Tony.” He said, his hand resting on Bucky’s, trailing over the bracelet as he talked. “We need to talk.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like ramping things up a bit, we are getting close my friends I swear. 
> 
> I thought this chapter sort of showed Steve and others concerns for Bucky's mental state along with his own as well. The knowledge, as Amelia said, he could push himself into a break is probably information he should share but you know Bucky, he'd push through anything just to get the done. Just as the Winter Soldier always pushed through the pain to complete the mission. For him its worth the risk I suppose. 
> 
> Wanda's ability to not only swung open those doors and keep them open, adds to this, along with her ability to actually see in his mind, and have a representation there, is a big part of this. It is a relief to Bucky that someone else can see this too. Can see the chaos in that crooked hallway. She won't be the only one whose able to see in there. Tony's tech will allow others to see as well, and this will be huge going forward. 
> 
> The ice cream foreplay and kitchen sex was just another way to show how comfortable they are now. How that place is their home and that they making their mark all over it. I also wanted to shout to one of my readers (you know who you are) for pointing out that the art room is a room full of memories and of healing and recovery. For suggesting that Steve's stuffed animals be in there because that fit perfectly with the theme of that place. It's why it's Bucky's favorite room in the house and will continue to used in his healing process. 
> 
> Bucky dealing with his guilt over what happened to Tony's parent's is highly important part of his recovery and his ability to confront that is what will allow Tony to become fully involved in this, he's been around the edges for a while now and he has the ability to help in not just in that way but in other crucial ways as well. 
> 
> I also wanted to touch on the war experience a bit because this is an underrated element in both Steve and Bucky's story. They are both veterans and their experiences there would've impacted them even without the subsequent trauma Hydra inflicted on Bucky. It was nice to touch on it a little, and when Bucky's memories are clearer and he's ready to cope that will part of it too.
> 
> I did like the idea of them finding a quiet spot like that and that memory/scene was inspired by the song Taylor Swift did with Civil for the Hunger Games called 'Safe and Sound'. The mood is very similar. I highly recommend this song, don't be put off by the fact that it's TS because it's one of her best, most poignant songs ever in many ways is a Stucky song. 
> 
> Anyways like I said, we are about to really dig in now and while I don't have a title for the next chapter I can tell you the intensity is going to increase. So here's hoping I don't have an attack of the headaches again :)
> 
> As always thank you for the lovely comments I adore them all <3<3


	34. Inside/Out

Even his naps weren’t safe these days. It seemed like his head wouldn’t give him a rest these days and it was becoming a real problem.

He was in a familiar place. Moving down the hallway, lights flickering. The sounds of screaming and torment all around him. Coming from behind partly open doors and some closed ones. And he knew some of those were his own screams. Ringing in his ears, echoing into the deep caverns of his mind.

But this hallway was slightly different. Because it was a real place.

It was Siberia. He could feel the cold radiating off the concrete, shocking its way up his bare feet.  He’d been in these halls many times, usually carried or escorted, never alone. But this time he was and wearing his bedclothes and Bucky honestly couldn’t tell the difference between this and waking because every sense in his body was feeling it. There were goosebumps on his arm and that smell that only came with pure cold that aches in your bones as well. The coppery taste of blood in his mouth and just vividness of the colors and definition. He swore sometimes his mind could put HD to shame.  Knowing this perfect clarity of memory was a byproduct of the serum and curse to his sanity sometimes.

He was realizing that he’d modeled the hallway in his head after this one. A real one. Full of real horrors. Realizing and understanding that everything that was in there was based on something real and it was terrifying.

The sound of bootheels falling on the concrete made his hackles go up, causing him to shake and start to walk faster. The arc lights above him flickered, creating that feeling of dread that overtook his senses.

And this hallway ended soon, he knew it did.

The room he’d been tortured in, where he’d been violated in hideous ways was to his right and he barely looked at it. Knowing that inside there were ties on the floor and a swinging light bulb. There was dried blood and vomit. There may have even been and electrical rod laying on the floor as well. He didn’t know. He didn’t look.

The footsteps were closer, and he moved faster, wanting to get away from them even though he knew this hall only led to one place. The central room. And what lay in there.

He passed the training area without looking at that either. A place were contusions and broken bones were giving out without mercy. Where they taught you more ways to fight and kill than you wanted to. There were bars and chains and more blood on the floor there. He could smell it even after all this time. It was soaked into everything.

Bucky moved quickly through the bowls of the place that that bastard Zemo had referred to as his real ‘home’. And Bucky had thought at the time that maybe that was correct. He felt himself a monster born out of hell and this place was hell. Not a fiery hell but a cold pit. But he had come to understand home as a warm place now. A place where he was safe and protected. Not hurt and used.

This was a prison. The place he lived with Steve, that was home.

But he felt far from that right now.

Especially when he finally came out of that hallway and saw it. Saw something that was the ultimate symbol of the horror that was his life here. That damn chair.

He walked along the railing, looking at it, his fingers shaking, almost convulsing like they did when they’d put him in it. After they’d dragged him out of that tube, confused and barely coherent. Having about a minute maybe to try to organize his thoughts. The random scramble memories of fireworks and a smiling blonde kid. Of happiness. It never came together fully. Never had the time before he was strapped in. Never had the time to put up even token resistance because his body was still weak, waking up from the cold.

There was still ice when they’d turn it on. And he could see it coming, moving down over his head. Circling in that heartless menacing machine way. His hands would grip the sides of the chair under the restraints, the muscle memory reaction to something he couldn’t quite remember in his conscious mind.

He just knew he’d stared screaming before the electricity ran through him. Before the white noise obliterated all thought and memory.  Wiping him clean to receive orders without question.

And that was when he felt hands on him, turning him, shoving him back into that chair again. Felt the restraints clamp on his arms and the chair laid back. Those who did it were in shadows, but he knew them.

“You cannot escape Solider.” That voice, the one from his nightmares, came out of the shadows. The one who’d put him on his knees. Dead in reality but here, very much alive and real.“You will comply.. one way or another.”

He watched as it turned over his head, and he stared to scream again. Fighting against the restraint but it was no use. No matter how strong it was. It was made for him. It was his chair after all.

It happened over and over, like tape caught on a constant loop in his mind. He could not get away from the restraints. From the hands that had held him. That pushed him into the chair every time.

The horror always began and ended in the same place.

And even though he’d woken from that nightmare, he kept screaming and struggling. Because he was still there. Still in that chair. The one that he and Soldier shared. Blue light and white noise in his head as his still cold body horribly convulsed.

It felt like an endless nightmare he couldn’t pull himself out even though he swore he felt softness under him. Part of him feeling the restraints were no longer metal but something else. But he still fought and screamed and shook. Unable to pull himself out.

“Sssssh.” He heard in the dim recesses of his mind. “You’re safe its okay.”

It was Steve’s voice. Seeming from far away but getting closer. He continued to struggle against the restraints. Part of him thinking that instead of in the chair he was in that room again. Tied to the floor now. That the weight he was starting to feel was his tormentor sitting on him. About to punish him in another way. He had flipped into that room in his mind now, he was convinced of it.

He couldn’t seem to wake up fully. Couldn’t pull himself out.  Could feel his hair being yanked, could feel the rod about to utilized and screamed again, fighting harder. Knowing the burn was about to go through his body in a whole new horrifying way.

Hearing that voice. “Comply.”

And then Steve’s again. “Bucky it’s me..” He said, closer than ever now. “It’s okay.”

And then felt warm lips on his, driving out the cold and the terror that had filled him and he came to fully. The restraints on his hands were simply Steve’s hands on his wrists, a gentle but firm grip. The weight he’d felt was not someone hurting him but protecting him. His bed was under him and he was home.

He whimpered as Steve pulled his lips away from him and let got of his flesh hand, keeping the metal one down just in case. He felt his fingers brush through his hand gently and cradle the back of his head and Bucky buried his face in his shoulder, letting out a despairing moan. His right hand gripping Steve’s shirt spasmodically, as if he was a tether to the true world, because he was.

“Steve..” He whimpered, squeezing his eyes shut and curling into him.

“I got you Buck.” Steve whispered into his hair as he held him. “I got you..”

\--

The nightmare had been terrible, it had been like he couldn’t wake from it. It had reminded Steve of when Bucky had been sick with the high fever. The screaming, struggling and convulsing.  The seeming inability to escape from it.

He pulled him closer, finally releasing the metal arm as well so he could hold him more. Comfort him more, letting that hand move over his back in soft circles until he calmed.

He had been on the phone with Tony when he’d heard the sounds of distress. Had seen the cat scamper up to him, her big green eyes looking worried. That cat was sitting next to them now, rubbing against Bucky’s side as comforting him too.

Steve was starting to wonder if maybe he should call Tony and postpone. He wasn’t sure if today was a good day because it was turning into a pretty bad one for Bucky.  Starting with him waking up as the Winter Soldier in the art studio. It actually been a bad couple of days to be honest though.

He’d been waking up every morning since they’d been back, getting sick and losing the previous nights supper. Steve knew it wasn’t a physical ailment, just a psychological side-effect but knew it could become one if it wasn’t eased.

“Maybe I should call Tony and tell him we can do it tomorrow instead?” He suggested, pulling back and putting his hands on Bucky’s face. “I’m not sure you’re up for it today.”

He saw what looked a flash of anger on Bucky’s face and he seemed to pull away a bit. “No.” He replied with an edge in his voice. “We’re doing it today.”

“Bucky.” Steve told him, his hand sliding down to Bucky’s shoulder now to look at him sternly. “I don’t think today is the right day for you to see him. Not after this.”

“And that’s your decision?” Bucky replied with more anger in his voice now. “I don’t get a say?” He pulled back even further, his back now against the headboard of the bed, eyes flashing anger.  “Cause I’m telling there is never gonna be a good day for that so it might as well be today.”

Steve leaned forward and put his hands on both his shoulders. “Buck.” He said softly, keeping his voice level. Not responding to the edge in Bucky’s. “You’re not okay right now.”

“I’m never okay!” Bucky snapped back at him, glaring at him. “And just because we’re engaged doesn’t mean you get to tell me what I can and can’t do.”

Steve sighed and griped his shoulders a little tighter. “That’s not what I’m doing.”

“The hell it isn’t.” Bucky responded, his red-rimmed eyes boring into Steve’s.  He looked so damn tired. “You’re trying to control me.“ He could see the paranoia creeping into him clearly now. “Just like them.”

“Bucky you know that’s not true.”

This happened sometimes, when he was raw from a nightmare or in pain, when he was reliving his experiences, he accused him of this. Steve knew it was just residue from that horrific nightmare because Bucky himself had said he knew Steve wasn’t like them. But in these moments his paranoia was high and his pain exceptionally close and he fell back on some old habits of mistrust.  He had learned it was important not to respond angrily to it. To not take it personally.

“Just admit you like it like this.” Bucky replied in a lower voice, his eyes getting that slightly mad look to them. “Having control.” He shifted slightly, his hips between Steve’s legs. “I know it revs your motor punk… stop denying it.”

Steve increased his grip on Bucky’s biceps now, holding him against the headboard. He was only partially playing the game. Know exactly what Bucky was doing and why. He wanted to be restrained because he felt unstable, and frankly, he was a little bit. And there was some truth behind Bucky’s statement, that part of their relationship had a dominant/submissive kind of thing and Bucky often tried to manipulate that. Especially in situations like these when he felt unstable and not in control of himself, he focused on what he could control. It was a fine line they walked sometimes.

“You already know the answer to that.” He told him, holding steady eye contact. “That’s not what this is about.”

“Are you sure about that?” Bucky asked him, giving him a provocative look as he shifted his legs under Steve’s. “Sure you don’t wanna pull rank Captain?” He pushed back a little against the restraint. “I might need some discipline..”

Damn he was pushing it a bit, and he was sorely tempted. But he knew this was a defense mechanism and it better to not indulge it right now. “Stop it.” He said with a soft command. “Stop trying to avoid the issue by turning it on me.”

Now he looked defensive again. “I’m not avoiding anything.”

“And stop bullshitting me too.” He said with that same commanding voice. “Just stop.”

Bucky just continued to look at him defiantly, but he could see cracks under the surface again.  The slight tremble in his jaw and the flicker in his eyes revealing the truth. That this was all taking a terrible toll and he was scared to death. He wanted to wrap him up all over again but knew he had to be stern right now and try to do what was best for him even if he didn’t want him to.

“You think I can’t handle this.” Bucky told him, desperately trying to keep his voice even. “I can. “ He seemed to set his face in spite of that minute tremble. “I’m not fucking fragile.”

Steve looked at him sympathetically. “I know that Buck.” He said softly. “Doesn’t mean I’m not gonna do what’s best for you sometimes.”

“Stop treating me like I can’t handle it” Bucky said, persisting in this rebellion, because that was exactly what it was. Steve had been expert at that subject. “Because you don’t know shit..” He pushed back a bit more against Steve’s grip. “I’m doing this today and I need you to support me in it, or get the fuck out of my way.”

He could see he wasn’t gonna give up on that. When he got something into his mind like that it was hard to talk him out of it. Regardless of the danger to himself. It was so interesting to Steve how the roles had reversed like this too. Steve used to be the one who was headstrong about things that were potentially dangerous to him, and Bucky was the more cautious one, trying to keep him safe and now it was clear Bucky was the one pushing the limits. It was a weird kind of karma for Steve he supposed. Realizing how difficult he’d been on both Bucky and his mother sometimes.

He understood why he’d done it then and why Bucky was doing it now. It was the idea you had to rely on others. That you needed help all the time. That you were limited in some way. It was just about reasserting control over some aspects of your life. So you push against the help and protection sometimes, wishing people would just le you do these things yourself.

“Okay.” Steve said finally, relenting for the moment. “But if I see anything happening that’s harmful, I’m pulling the plug you got that?”

“Sure.” Bucky replied, still looking slightly defiant. “Whatever you say Captain.”

Steve let go of his arm and wrapped his hand around the back of his head, fisting his hair tightly and looking in his eyes. “And you can turn the sarcasm off now Sergeant.” He told him, putting that command in his voice again. “At ease Soldier.”

He saw that ornery defiance slid off at that. A shift in his eyes as he calmed. Steve wasn’t sure whether it was the firm pull on his hair or the tone of his voice, but it was like a hissing cat going limp after being scruffed. And it gave him a twinge of satisfaction and a little uneasiness at this submissive response. He knew that this was the way it was with them sometimes. Probably always would be. He was growing to accept it as part of the reality of their relationship now.

“How long til he’s here?” Bucky asked, the edge in his voice gone now. Now he just sounded tired.

“A few hours.” Steve replied, loosening his grip in Bucky’s hair but not letting go of it. “I want you to relax til then.” He leaned his forehead against Bucky’s. “And I want you to eat something.”

“I’m not tired.” He protested a little. “Not really hungry either.”

Steve gripped his hair tighter again, holding his head tighter against his. “Don’t argue with me jerk.” He replied with that commanding voice again. “You’re exhausted and you haven’t eaten much over the last few days.” His eyes bore into his, a mere inch away to drive this point home. “This is not negotiable.”

He felt Bucky nod his head, responding once again like a scruffed cat. “Okay.”

He was learning that sometimes it was a fine line between giving Bucky the autonomy to make his own decisions and mistakes and putting his foot down and protecting him from himself.  He needed both in his recovery. Both freedom and limits. And every day was a learning curve it seemed.

“You know sometimes I wonder if you being bull-headed like this is payback or something?” He joked, smiling as they sat there. “For when I was a kid.”

Bucky chuckled at that. “Yeah you were an annoying little shit.” He mused. “Put me through all kinds of hell trying to keep your dumb ass alive.”

He smiled again and pulled his lips to his, kissing him softly, the grip in his hair gentle now. Soft, just like the kiss. He felt Bucky’s metal hand, another beautiful, unique part of him now, flexing into the back of his shirt as they leaned back against the headboard for a moment. The hand that wasn’t in his hair found Bucky’s other arm, the flesh on and trailed his fingers down it, finding the bracelet and trailing his fingers over it reverently before loosely wrapping his hand around it.

Pulling away he leaned his head against his again, fingers still nestled in that gorgeous brown hair of his. “I love you so much.” He whispered to him, letting the emotion flow out in the moment.

He felt Bucky let out a shuddering sigh, finally letting the tension out. “I love you too punk.”

They just sat there for a little bit like that, nuzzling their faces together, letting the earlier tension fade away in a moment of peace and relaxation.

\--

Bucky supposed he shouldn’t have been surprised. He’d been on edge already, so it was a perfect storm in a sense. But it was always unpleasant when it happened.

He was having a server anxiety attack and in those moments it was best that nobody got too close. Not even Steve. Bucky didn’t trust himself during these. With good damn reason.

It had started the minute Tony had walked into their house. The increased heartrate, the tightening in the chest, rapid breathing and distorted vision. It was as if all his senses were turned up to the max and felt he had not control over his potential reactions. The fight of flight complex was turned way up on the dial and if anyone had touched him in these moments, they might’ve gotten involuntarily thrown across the room. It was better they stayed away.

Hell he didn’t even want to pick up Arya, who was circling his feet and looking up at him, sensing his mood. He was afraid he might grip her too tight and hurt her. It was that bad.

So he stayed against the wall in the corner of the living room with his arms crossed, a silent warning that said not to come close. Not yet. And all those present got that message and let him have his space. Except for Arya of course, if Daddy wasn’t going to hold her, she could at least sit between his feet, being a calming influence.

Bucky hated being like this, but he couldn’t help it. It happened without any real control on his part and it was all he could do to not just bolt. But he held steady, giving Steve and Wanda a brave smile every time they looked over at him. He was trying to listen to what Tony was saying, trying to keep the terrible memories at bay and focus.

But his damn hand was shaking, and he wanted a cigarette, a whole damn pack of them actually.

“How it works is that it scans your mind, no need to put any ridiculous, unfashionable hardware on your head. It’s more like those censors he wore.” Tony explained while standing himself, not comfortable enough to sit town himself. “You think of a memory, of anything in your head actually and it records it and creates a holographic image in the room of said thought or memory. It’s state of  graphics too.”

Bucky took this information in even though the sound of his voice brought back a memory of the last thing Tony had said directly to him, ‘ _Do you even remember them?_ ’ His arm around his neck, pulling him down to dispatch him. And his own response, _‘I remember all of them’_. Which of course had been a lie born out of guilt and despair. And at that moment he hadn’t cared anymore. In a strange way he’d given up the fight. It was only Steve being in danger that had spurred him to continue fighting. With a very painful result.

His hand shook even harder now, which caused him to tuck his other arm under his metal one.

Steve’s voice pulled him out of it and back into the now. “So it’s like a projector. Almost like a movie?”

“More like a 3D re-imagining. “ Tony explained to him. “Like those Virtual Reality rides I’m sure you haven’t been on Cap.”

Bucky blinked at this, having an idea of what it meant. He’d never been on one of those, but he knew the concept. Was thinking it wasn’t much different than one of his damn visions or flashbacks. It would seem real but wouldn’t be. And the other aspect as well.

“Others would be able to see it wouldn’t they?” He asked finally, trying to keep the shakiness out of his voice. To hide the anxiety that was ravaging his body. “See what’s going on my mind.”

“Yes.” Tony answered, looking directly at him for the first time. “I showed it at MIT and all the students could see.. an altered version of a memory I was trying to deal with.” His face seemed to tighten slightly behind those glasses as if debating whether he wanted to stay it or not. “About.. saying goodbye to my parents.”

Bucky winced slightly, seeing himself on that tape, remembering the bits and pieces of that night. Of knocking the car off the road. Of grabbing Howard’s hair and hearing him say his name in recognition. _‘Sergeant Barnes?_ ’ His own confusion and faint recognition. Of the Soldier’s mission protocol taking over. Of hearing his wife’s voice, in pain and terrified. ‘ _Howard?_ ’. Of his hand around her throat…

He tightened his arms around himself and looked away. Seeing Steve turn back to look at him for a moment as if to check. He didn’t want him to come near him right now. It wasn’t safe. And he didn’t want him to put a stop to this either.

Bucky had admiration for Tony for being sot stoic considering he himself constantly felt 5 seconds away from bolting. But he forced a brave face for Steve again. Keeping himself right where he was. Knowing he needed to get through this if was every going to get better. He unconsciously felt the cool metal of the bracelet through his shirt and Arya’s little furry body against his leg and did his best to stay put.

“Is it safe?” Steve asked, his chief concern showing. “It won’t hurt him in any way.”

“No Rogers I tested it on myself.” Tony replied and added. “As many would like to say I’m far too fond of myself to risk permanent brain damage.” He paused and then added. “Psychologically though it’s a bit rough.”

He was pretty sure everyone in the room could feel not only the slight tension in the air and could also clearly see he was struggling just a bit. Even trying to keep his face neutral was difficult. Wanda was empathic and had also seen inside Bucky’s head only yesterday. And Steve well.. Steve just knew him.  Knew what it was taking for him to just stand there like that.

He would have his arms around him later and Bucky badly wanted that. But not just yet. He still felt dangerous. Unstable and unsafe.

“Rough is relative.” Bucky said finally. “I can handle it.”

“We should at least discuss it Buck.” Steve told him, turning to him. “We need to be careful.”

Bucky sort of glared at him, feeling out of sorts, their earlier conversation still ringing in his head. “What’s to discuss.” He asked, an edge in his voice he was sure the others could hear. “You said you’d support me earlier and I want to do this.” He crossed his arms a little tighter and kept steady eye contact. “Unless you didn’t mean that.”

He knew it was a dirty trick to play, but he was just so edgy right now it was coming out. The struggle to keep his panic and anxiety at bay had frayed him and he just wanted to get started and not talk about it anymore. It was like a hamster running around on a wheel in his head, driving him crazy with the sound of it. With the sound of those boots echoing in the haunted hallway in his head. He was looking for a solution. Any solution right now and it didn’t occur to him this obsession was a bit unhealthy.

“I did mean it Buck.” Steve replied, not reacting to his tone, at least on the surface. “Let’s just ease into it okay?”

“We’ll do a test run how about that?” Tony suggested. “Just to give you an idea of what it’s going to do so you can decide about going further. Will that work?”

Bucky averted his eyes from him and looked out the window instead. “Yeah lets do that.” He replied, taking a deep breath. “What do we do?”

“You put this on.” Tony answered, handing what looked like a small headset to Steve. Who essentially the middle man here for now. “You think of something. A memory. Whatever comes into your head and it will record it and send it to this remotely.” He showed them a small machine that looked like a laptop and projector put together. “It will take particular memory, and I said before, alter and project in the room as a 3D image. It will look real but it won’t be.”

Steve, after inspecting it, handed it to Bucky who did the same, seeing how it went on. The idea of putting things on his head still freaked him out. Bringing back memories of the machine that had been used on him. One that had been fighting its way through had become steadily clearer was forming and Bucky had inkling that if he did this now, that memory would show up. And it frightened him, but at the same time he had to deal with it. Deal with all of it. And that was a good place to start.

“Alright.” Bucky said with another heavy sigh, putting it on over his head. His already keyed up nerves maxed up. “Let’s try it.”

Wanda got up and came over to him, knowing he needed her help to hold the connection now because frankly, it exhausted him, and he couldn’t risk the potential unconscious that would result. No more accidents. He knew Steve’s heart couldn’t take it. He closed his eyes, felt Arya rub against his leg and Wanda’s hand on his head, the warm glow increasing.  He tried to relax. Letting that trauma come in and preparing himself for it.

The images filled his head as the machine sync’d with the headset and he was back there again. Down the rabbit hole into a memory he had only just recently put together. From the not too distant past.

\--

What had recorded filled the room the minute the projector was set to display and it was a painful image of scene had never really described to Steve in any detail, but he knew had happened multiple times.

Wanda still had a hand on Bucky’s head and his eyes were closed, it was clear he had no interest in seeing the display because he’d lived it. His face was pinched with pain of the memory and knew Wanda was doing her best to soothe his head in this moment but all he wanted to do was put his own arms around him. But he was watching the scene that was displayed in front of them in shocking 3D clarity.

_He was sitting a chair somewhere, his shirt off, his arm being worked on. There was a look of pain and confusion on his face. On the face of the Winter Soldier, who clearly wounded and being treated. At least his arm was being treated because that was the most important part of him to them. The thousand- yard stare on his face was of no concern to the man working on him, or the armed men that surrounded him._

_This memory seemed to blip a little in front of them, like a channel being changed. Images of him falling. Being dragged through the snow. Of an operation. Of Zola._

The last of which caused Steve to clench his fist, wishing he could smash that smug look off his face.

_Seeing the new arm they’d put on him. Of him grabbing Zola with after the pompous ass declared him the ‘new fist of Hydra’. As if he had a choice in the matter. And of him seeing himself being frozen. This hurt enough but it wasn’t close to done._

_The reaction of the Soldier, of Bucky to these confusing images was to lash out at the techs and cause the armed men to draw on him. And a few more strange blips before another familiar face showed up, causing Steve, and Tony to react in recognition and in Steve’s case, pure anger._

_“Mission Report.” Pierce demanded and Bucky did not respond. So he asked it again._

His second lack or response resulting in a vicious back hand that caused his head to rock back and Steve almost forgot he was watching a hologram. He wanted to pounce on that asshole and beat him senseless just for that alone. But it got worse.

Bucky himself barely even reacted to it. Which hurt Steve’s heart to see. Like this was nothing because it wasn’t. He just simply blinked and looked back at him. _“The man on the bridge_..” _He asked, a flash of Steve_ him filled the room. “Who was he?”

_“You met him on a mission earlier this week.” Pierce lied, his face showing dangerous anger._

The holographic version of Bucky turned his eyes as if confused and thinking hard. Steve could see he knew it was a lie. _“I knew him.”_

The pain Steve felt at this, at recognizing exactly when this had taken place. He had thought Bucky hadn’t recognized him that day. Had been too stunned to see the confused look as it had rang in his head. But he had. It was, along with Sam and Nat’s inference, part of the reason he wasn’t as accurate from then on in. He recognized something here these assholes were trying to tell him he didn’t.

He barely listened to the line the of bull Pierce gave him, watching Bucky, as the Soldier, desperately trying to sort it out. The image played the confusion well, with slight distortion as to Bucky’s own thoughts but it was so painfully clear. Steve had seen that lost, confused look many times and desperately wished he could’ve protected him then.

_Once Pierce had finished the spiel Bucky just sort of looked at him, making eye contact for the first time. “But I knew him.” He said simply, with a heartbreaking look of regret, unable to let it go._

_The holographic version of Alexander Pierce, with Rumlov behind him, got angry at this and Steve though he was going to hit him again, but it was worse. Way worse than that. “Prep him.”  He seemed ot growl._

_A voice protested that he’d been out of cryo too long. And Pierce’s response was chilling. “Then wipe him and start over.”_

Steve knew what was going to happen next and from the terrified look on Bucky’s face, he knew too.

He was shoved back in the chair, a look of despair on his face before the clamps came on the chair was lowered. His flesh hand was shaking and his chest heaving with fear, pupils dilated. Steve had seen him like this whenever he had an anxiety attack and it made so much sense now. 

And Bucky’s hand been shaking like that the whole time Tony had been here.

As the clamp lowered on his head the image cut out. Steve looked up at Tony, who looked a little white himself. “That’s a good time to stop.” He said in a slightly shaky voice himself. “You don’t need to see the rest.”

He looked up at Bucky, who had opened his eyes and Steve saw that most terrible look of pain in those blue eyes. He was sure this had happened to him so much it had almost been routine, but just seeing it once was all it took to know just how horrifying it had been for him.  And it wasn’t close to everything they’d done.

Steve watched Bucky pick up Arya with trembling hands and watched the way she cuddled against him, sensing his distress. He had been holding himself together by a fine thread the whole time and he was starting to come apart. And this was just a test run. Steve wasn’t sure just how much of this he could deal with.

Bucky dropped the headset on the couch and turned toward the window where the fire escape was. “I need some air.” He said in a shaky voice. “If that’s okay?”

“Of course it is.” Steve replied, just wanting to hold him but knew he wasn’t going to allow it just yet. “Go ahead.”

He seemed almost strangely apologetic as he opened the window and climbed out onto the fire escape to get to the roof. Wanda turned to Steve and came over, grabbing his hand softly for a moment. “I’ll go with him.” She said softly. “Okay?”

“Thanks.” He said gratefully and squeezed her before she left to follow him.

Once she was out of the room, he turned to Tony who looked a bit spooked himself by the images he saw. “That’s was intense.” Tony told him, sitting on the lounge chair. “I thought I’d seen some bad shit but that..”

“Yeah it was.” Steve agreed, trying to get himself together. “Thank you for turning it off when you did.. you know. Before..”

Tony just nodded before speaking. “Like I said, you don’t need to see that.” He told him giving him an understanding look. “And I’m sure that’s not the worst that’s in his head.”

Steve laid his head back on the couch and looked up at the ceiling. “No it’s not.” He confessed, rubbing his face with his hands. “He’s told me some things but.. he can’t open up about all of it and I suppose I get that.”

“Its personal Rogers.” Tony said thoughtfully. “Trust me I know about trauma and mental instability. I’ve lived it.” He then gave Steve a concentrated look.  “You’re his medical proxy correct?”

“Yeah.” He answered with a hint of suspicion. “Why?”

“Because that covers not just physical, but mental and emotional health too.” Tony explained, picking up the drink Steve had gotten him earlier. “And he looks pretty damn rough Cap.. and that was before this..”

“What are you getting at?” He asked, although he thought he knew.

“I’m just saying.. you might have to look out for him more than he wants you to.” Tony told him, still giving him that slightly sympathetic of understanding. “You may have to step in and make a few decisions for the sake of his mental health. Sometimes we need someone to.”

“I don’t want to tell him what to do Tony.” Steve did his best to explain. “To make too many decisions for him, they did too much of that for him.”

“I know Cap.” Tony answered, and leaned forward. “But the difference is that unlike those pieces of shit who called themselves scientists, you actually care about him.” He took another gulp of his drink. “I’m telling you if I didn’t have Pepper, I would be in a much worse place knowing me. We all need someone to say no once and a while.”

“You think I should postpone some of this.?”

“Maybe.” Tony said, putting his hand on his thighs as if to get up. “I’m just saying getting married on a beach is better than at a psych ward.”

Steve got up, shaking his head. “He’s not crazy Tony.”

“Well the PC term is ‘mentally ill Cap and yes he is.” Tony said frankly, and Steve observed with uncharacteristic softness as well. “It’s not his fault, they really put the screws to him.  But it dosen’t make it any less true. He needs you to advocate on his behalf even against himself sometimes.”

It was a lot of food for thought but it made sense coming from someone else. And he’s already, a way done that to some degree. Depending on how Bucky came out of this particular stage of his therapy today would certainly go a long way to whether he’d have to make more decisions about this.

Or a discussion would be more like it.

“You got any more of this?” Tony asked, finishing up the chaser Steve had made for him. “After that I think I need another drink.”

Steve chuckled at that and found a little more for him. There wasn’t much wine left, Bucky had taken a bit to it of late. Nothing serious or concerning, just to help him sleep. He monitored that carefully too. But not to the point where Bucky thought he was under surveillance. That was a compromise he’d made.

And he knew it had stressful for Tony to be here too, having his own issues with torture and captivity. And other things. But he was grateful for the help.

“Did I just finish off Robocp’s stash?” Tony asked, downing it, looking up at Steve over his glasses.

“Yup.” Steve said, looking at the window where Bucky had exited a while back. Feeling a bit worried, but knowing he was with Arya and Wanda, he’d be okay. “Looks like I’m taking a trip to the store today.”

\--

After a breather on the roof, where Arya and Wanda had sat with him in quiet companionship, Bucky felt the need to vent out his frustrations on an inanimate object. Using his usual victim, a punching bag because, quite honestly, there was a scary amount of rage inside him right now.

He’d torn up quite a few of these, and Steve had quietly replaced them. He’d just come into their weight room and there would be a new one, all set to be torn apart. He felt a strange sort of gratitude at the way Steve had encouraged all his outlets. The writing, the painting, and punching bag destruction.

He loved him for those things in an almost desperate way sometimes.

But right now it was a good idea that he wasn’t anywhere near him. Because he felt unstable. Unsafe.

Tearing into it, he pounded the hell out of that bag. The power in his metal arm was alarming sometimes even though he’d found he could use it for gentle things. Like petting the cat or wrapping it softly around the back of Steve’s neck. He’d caught baseballs and frisbees with it. Kids seemed to be fascinated by it and not scared, and that had helped him accept it as a part of him that was different and unique.

But when he was angry or scared it was something he feared. Along with his added strength. And he didn’t want anyone too close to him then. Not even Steve.

He felt his hand go right through the leather into the stuffing as he tried to beat out the memory he’d conjured up for the test run. One of close to a hundred times they’d strapped him into that chair when their precious machine ‘malfunctioned’ or threatened to. Pulled out of that damn cold tube, with barely a minute of confused through before he was sat in the chair and reprogrammed again. And again.

More fucking times than he could remember or count. He just knew he screamed every damn time.

Pulling his hand out angrily he swung again even harder and buried it deeper in the stuffing, pulling it out and seeing bits of leather and stuffing stuck in the segments of the fingers. Reminding of him of the blood and skin and hair that got caught in the segments of his older arm when he’d beat someone with it. Remembering the sounds of breaking facial bones. The cracks that he still heard in his nightmares.

Like what he’d done to Howard’s face that night.

Or the way he’d beaten _Him_.. until there was nothing left.

The first of which he felt terrible sorrow for. The second of which he had no regrets at all. But both of which made him want to throw up just thinking of it. For different reasons.

He bent over for the moment, fighting that urge. He’d done too much of that lately. Needed to keep some damn food down or there would be another trip to his doctor.  Forcing this back gave him stomach upset and a headache, but he did it. Just like he’d held back his anxiety attack as well.

Standing back up, Bucky took a few swings with his flesh arm, feeling the satisfaction of hitting it square in a boxer style punch, making it swing almost vertically before he’d hit again on the comeback swing. Feeling the burn in the muscles and release of the tension in them.  

And then he finished the bag with a huge punch from his metal arm, thinking of that backhand across the face from that asshole. It hadn’t even been a punch, just a humiliating slap that he had taken without any protest at all. With no fight. Hell it hadn’t even hurt. He’d been hurt far worse than that. It was just the latest in a long line of degradations.  It was why his mind picked that particular memory he supposed. Because it could stand for all of them. Represent decades of such abuse and humiliation in one simple smack across the face.

It pissed him off in a way he was just truly beginning to understand now.  People that hadn’t even been alive when he’d first been captured. When the creation had begun. The torture, the assaults, the brainwashing. He was just something they could use and abuse at their leisure.

It was the lack of respect. That they knew he was a person but just didn’t care.

The force of the final blow sent the bag flying off the hood and into the wall. There was a few dents in that wall too from punching bag abuse. Some stuffing flew out of it ,but he hardly noticed, bent over slightly on his knees again, getting his breath back and calm that terrible burn under his skin. The one that always made him want to scratch and fight.

“Guess I gotta by another one.” He heard Steve’s voice say from behind him, causing him to turn around.

Bucky stood with his hands on his hips, feeling a bit irritated still. “You been watching me punk?” He asked, flipping a sweaty strand of hair out of his eyes casually. “Cause that’s kinda creepy.”

“Well I do love watching you tear it up jerk.” Steve answered, his arms crossed over his chest as he leaned against the wall. “But I was also just checking to make sure you were alright.”

He stared at him for a moment, taking in the sight of him in a perfectly fitted t-shirt and sweatpants, looking delicious per usual. His blonde hair, which was long enough to fall over his forehead sometimes was doing just that and his sky-blue eyes were looking at him with the exact concern he’d just expressed. The juxtaposition of this caused a heady mix of love and want that he had to hide because he still felt terribly unstable right now. And if he let go of the hold he was keeping on himself things could get a little dangerous for them both.

“I’m fine.” He said shortly, checking the wrap on his right hand. “Just loosening up a bit.”

Steve looked as if he understood the double meaning of that. “You wanna talk about it?”

“No.” Bucky answered, a little too firmly. “I don’t wanna talk.” He looked down and continued to rewrap the right wrist, which had unraveled a bit. “It doesn’t change anything.”

Steve came over and before Bucky could even protest, took over wrapping the wrist for him. It was easier to do that with two hands, not that Bucky wasn’t capable of it, but he’d realized that his metal hand wasn’t exactly steady for some reason. He felt Steve’s fingers graze his skin as he wrapped it tighter and more securely than Bucky could at the moment.

“Maybe we just spare instead.” Steve suggested. “Seeing as we need another bag and all.”

“You sure you want to.” Bucky asked, slightly intrigued by the idea. “I mean we haven’t done it since.. the war?”

His memories about the war were still vague in places but he thought they might have done it once or twice during downtime. It had been their only one on one time, except when they’d managed to sneak out on their own. It saddened him that his memories of that were fuzzy too. Too close to the hurt zone he supposed, but he’d like to remember it. Maybe remember that house he was painting someday.

“Yeah we got in a few.” Steve said and smirked a little. “I believe I kicked your ass a couple times.”

Bucky scoffed. “In your dreams Rogers.” He told him, stepping back. “In your dreams.”

“Well..” He said, leaning forward a little as they tapped their hands together. “You’re always in my dreams Sergeant.” He smirked, his eyes twinkling. “Usually without the clothes though.”

He sucked in his breath at the connotation of that. “Stop trying to distract me Captain.” He said in a lowv voice. “Cause that’s not playing fair.”

They were both pretty good at the hand to hand combat. Having great reflexes and training in the mixed martial arts. Even before Hydra had infused new skills in him, Bucky had had great reflexes and agility and it was fun to use in a less lethal way now. There was never any hard contact between them, just a little rough-housing that resulted in a few flips and twists. And Bucky did have to admit he loved how smoothly Steve moved. How effortless it was.

He was enjoying it so much he actually let Steve flip him over his head, letting himself land squarely on his feet behind him. Steve then turned to him and his arm lifted in a chop which Bucky blocked quite deftly, before interlocking their arms and getting very up close.

“This is fun.” He told him, feeling the adrenaline pumping now. “We should do this more often.”

Steve pulled him a little closer. “Yeah.” He purred. “Maybe we should.”

Bucky grinned and then took Steve’s legs out from under him and put him on the mat hard, causing an _umph_ to come out of him as Bucky landed on top of him. “I always win though.” Bucky said in a saucy tone as he smiled down at him. “See?”

“Well to be honest.” Steve mused, letting his hand slide up Bucky’s arm and then into his hair softly. “I let you win jerk.”

“The hell you did punk.” Bucky protested. “I-“

He didn’t let him finish, pulling his lips to his and kissing him stupid. Which Bucky felt more than happy to allow at the moment. He felt a little more stable now. Less dangerous. But didn’t mean it wouldn’t come back, it was just dormant.  He braced his hands on the mat, feeling Steve’s other hand slide over his back, the warmth of it coming through Bucky’s now sweat-soaked t-shirt. He let himself sink into it a little more, needing this moment after the stress of earlier.

When they pulled their lips away from each other they laid their heads together, Buck’s knees still straddling Steve’s hips. “Are you really okay?” Steve asked softly, his hand still holding the back of Bucky’s head. “Are you?”

Bucky sighed heavily. “You watched it right?” He asked, looking away, already knowing the answer.

“I did.” Steve answered, lifting his other hand to put it on the other side of Bucky’s head, holding his his face. “Tony stopped it before..”

“Before I started screaming you mean?” Bucky said trying to keep his voice even. “You should’ve finished.. I got really good at that.”

“Bucky stop.” Steve said softly.  “You don’t have to brush it off like that.”

“Why not?” He asked, sitting up a little more. “It was a regular thing.” He felt himself tightening up again. “Kind of like when you reboot your computer. You know.. to fix the errors.” He could hear the almost sarcastic way he was putting, trying to hide from the painful reality of experiencing it. “Hell they even tried smacking it first to make it work...”

“You weren’t a machine Buck.” Steve told him, still keeping his voice soft as his fingers soothingly ran through his hair. “It wasn’t maintenance it was abuse.”

He did a toneless chuckle, pulling back even more. “Yeah well.. I got good at taking that too apparently.” He told him, hearing an edge come back into his voice. “I got a lot more pretty ones where that came from you wanna watch all those too.” He pulled completely out of his touch now. “You wanna see what I can take?” He shook slightly, his fingers trembling. “What I allowed them to do to me?”

“You didn’t allow them to do anything.” Steve said in that still very soft tone as he sat up and reached for him again. “They tortured you Buck.” His hands found Bucky’s face again holding it steady. “It’s not your fault.”

“Then why does it FEEL like it is?!” He almost yelled in his face, just laying it out there now. “Explain it to me because it still FEELS like I let it all happen.”

He extracted himself and got up, feeling like he needed something to hit. Something he needed to put his hand through. To feel something break under its force. The punching bag was no longer available, and he was desperate because he sure as hell was not gonna hurt Steve. He felt desperate as he stalked to the wall where the bag had dented and just slammed his metal hand right through the plaster, making a deep hole, using his other hand to brace himself with.

When he felt Steve’s hand on him from behind, he just turned and swung instinctively. There was no malice or intent in it, it was just swinging of its own free will and that scared him a lot. But Steve caught the metal one, holding it back and wrapping his fingers around his wrist in a tight grip. He could actually feel the grip and metal vibrating up his arm in response.

“Calm down.” Steve said in that same even voice, not even a hint of anger in it. “You can control this.”

“No I can’t.” He replied, letting that hint of terror play in his voice. “Only you can.”

He felt mad, unstable, needing to be controlled.  The way they’d always managed to. The hand was flexing in Steve’s as if it wanted to get loose and wreck havoc on everything. It was vibrating through his body, this rage and self-loathing that was threatening to overpower even Steve’s considerable strength And then he felt Steve’s other hand in his hair, fisting it. Softly at first and then increasing the pressure until he was almost pulling it.

“Stop Soldier.” Steve said with that soft command in his voice. “At ease.”

His voice. The words he used and the tight grip on his hair was the combination it seemed. His body went almost limp, his eyes fluttering. He was like a cat when you grab the scruff of their neck, completely at the mercy of the person doing it. His metal hand immediately relaxed and the angry shaking stopped. He just stood there, feeling dizzy, the only thing that kept him from falling over was Steve’s grip on his arm and his hair.

He didn’t understand why it worked. It just did.

His metal hand shot out of its will, extracting itself and gripped Steve’s shirt, pulling him closer until they were eyes to eye. Letting him see that all he wanted was to feel stable again. That he wanted the control. That he wanted the dominance again. Not to be hurt or punished but to level him.  He could feel his fingers grip his hair a little tighter causing a soft moan to come out of him at the feel of it.

“Put me at ease Captain.” He whispered, his lips almost touching Steve’s. “Please.”

That hand pulled his hair slightly, angling his face to look in his eyes. “Is that what you want Sergeant?” Steve asked, a slight growl in his voice that sent a shiver through Bucky’s body.

His metal fingers tugged hard on Steve’s shirt and he though he heard a slight rip from the fingers gripping the fabric. “Yes.” He replied, a needy whine coming into his voice that he didn’t even try to hide. “Please…”

At the second please his lips were crushed in a heated kiss, Steve’s hand gripping his hair so tight it hurt a little and that was such a damn turn on for him now. He had taken that back from his abuser quite well, allowing Steve that control had freed him a way from it. He was still working through some things there but this was something he loved and he would never allow it to taken away. So he moaned against his lips, kissing him deeper and feeling Steve’s other hand grip his ass as he deftly moved him backwards past the wreckage of the punching bag.

They stopped in the middle of the room and Steve pulled his lips away before turning Bucky around so his back against his chest and slid his hands slid over his hips, gripping the waistband of his sweatpants. His lips were on his neck, just under his ear as he yanked the pants and short down, Bucky gasped at the feeling of the air-conditioning on his now bare skin and stepped out of them, kicking them aside. Feeling beautifully exposed in just his t-shirt as Steve stood behind him, his large warm hands sliding over his hips.

“You want it right here sweetheart?” Steve growled in his ear, pulling Bucky’s bare ass against him. ”Say it.”

“Yes… “ He whined, his eyes fluttering, knees feeling weak. “Fuck me right here… please…”

It wasn’t long before he was down on his hands and knees on the mat, getting fucked hard and rough. Exactly the way he wanted it right now. Sometimes Steve’s hands were gipping his hips so hard he was sure he’d have marks, and other times one of them was around his neck or in his hair. Pulling him against him as he pounded him, not being gentle at the moment.

Bucky felt a strange catharsis. A freedom in being dominated and controlled by lover. It made him feel loved, cherished and protected. Like nothing could touch him there. Felt stable, normal, sane. He moaned and whimpered incoherently, meeting every hard thrust with his own, feeling like a wild animal and loosing all sense of himself until he was in that sweet haze where nothing else mattered.

It was just beautiful, and he let himself live in it, forgetting everything for a while.

\--

He had made him cum at least twice before he allowed himself to. Pulling Bucky’s back against his chest he held one arm around his waist and wrapped the other softly around his throat, turning his head as he held him there, taking in the beautiful sight.

His damp hair stuck to his face, blue eyes glazed and half-lidded, looking dreaming and far away. His swollen lips were parted, curved into a satisfied smile, ragged breath coming out of him. His sweat soaked shirt still on and clinging to his chest as he sat in Steve’s lap, still impaled on him, in no hurry or condition to move.

He was just beautiful in the moment.

Steve nuzzled the side of his face and then turned his head slightly to kiss him languidly, hearing him moan softly due to the slight shift. “Hey there beautiful.” He whispered against his lips, his other hand doing slow circles on Bucky’s abdomen. “Welcome back.”

“Mmm hmm.” Bucky murmured as their lips parted, letting his head fall back onto Steve’s shoulder.

“Feeling better?” He asked nuzzling his lips over a bite mark he’d made on his neck.

“If you mean feeling nothing but you then yeah..” Bucky replied in a ragged voice. “I feel spectacular.”

Steve smiled, nuzzling his neck a little more before gently lifting him off him. He heard Bucky whine a little at the feeling of that sudden loss. Then he turned him slightly so he could rest his head on Steve’s shoulder, his hips resting sideways between Steve’s open legs. He let one hand stroke Bucky’s hair and the other resting on his bar hip and held him like that.

“I mean are you okay from earlier?” He asked softly, letting his hand wrap around his hip a bit more. “You wanna talk about it?”

He felt Bucky tense ever so slightly, his metal hand flexing around Steve’s shoulder a little. “What’s to talk about?” He asked, burying his face in Steve’s neck. “You saw it.”

He had seen it, in all its horrific clarity.  Bucky had only peripherally talked about the chair, it’s use being common knowledge. Hell it was in the Hydra files, which were pretty much available to anyone. But knowing that and seeing it were two different things. Knowing on some level that it had happened a lot made it even worse.

“How many times did they do that?” He asked carefully, rubbing his hip in a comforting way.

Bucky didn’t answer right away, and Steve wasn’t sure he was going to until he finally did. “I don’t know.” He said quietly, his flesh hand griping his shirt. “Every time they took me out I guess.” He seemed to swallow hard. “Or if I…acted up and needed correction.”

At least one for every mission, maybe more than that if he needed to ‘corrected’. Like Bucky had said earlier, like a damn malfunctioning machine. Complete with a hard smack for emphasis. What Bucky had shown them in that memory alteration was something that was a regular occurrence. The way he just took that smack and didn’t fight back made that very clear.

Just like he knew he’d screamed every time they wiped him.

It hurt to think about and caused him to press his lips to his head softly. “I’m sorry Buck.” He whispered a against his head. “I’m so sorry.”

“Why?” Bucky asked, looking up at him. “It wasn’t you that did it.”

“I know.” He answered, his other hand paying in his hair. “I just.”

“Don’t you finish that thought punk.” Bucky admonished, lifting his hand to his face. “What did I tell you about that?”

Steve smiled at that and nuzzled his forehead again. “Okay jerk.” He said with a soft chuckle. “I’m trying.”

Bucky nodded and fell silent for a little while, his face reburied in Steve’s neck. From the angle he was at he could see his eyes were closed, but in a tense way, as he was trying to push something away. He took his hand off his hip and pulled him a little closer against him to comfort him some more. Knowing he was like a raw nerve right now, open and exposed to the air. But he wasn’t going to push him either, it was up to him to talk if he wanted to.

“You know we do need to clean this place up.” He said finally, and Steve could feel him smile against his neck. “I kinda made a mess.”

“Not right now we don’t.” He told him, running his finger through his hair and lifting his face to kiss him. “It can stay a mess for now.”

Bucky smiled against his lips, turning slightly in his lap. “Just like me huh?”

“Well if you’re a mess..” Steve whispered as he kissed him. “You’re a damn beautiful one.”

He kissed him deeper, laying him on this back this time on the mat. Taking it slow and easy this time. He kept his fingers in his hair, holding his head off the mat and used his other hand to softly massage him where he knew he was sore. He’d gone at him pretty hard earlier and knew he was a bit sore even if he didn’t say anything. He slid his fingers into him and rubbed him softly, hearing him moan thickly, gripping his shirt with both hands, his leg wrapping around Steve’s thigh

When it was rough like that, he always took care of him. And always would.  He gently pulled his hair back, exposing that beautiful bite mark and pressed his lips to it as well, hearing him moan again in complete surrender to this care.

All he wanted to make him do was feel good right now. To showed that he was loved no matter what.

“Steve..” Bucky moaned, his metal fingers sliding up to Steve’s neck and flexing against it.

“Ssshh.” He whispered against his skin. “Just relax.”

He stroked him and made him softly cum this time, watching his eyes as he did. They way the dark lashes fluttered over those teal blue eyes. The way his lips parted, letting out sweet moan as his body moved under him. It was his favorite sight, seeing Bucky in that moment, feeling nothing but pleasure and happiness. Which all he deserved in the world after the hell his life had been.

Pulling his hand away he kissed him deeply again, running them over his hips and pulling them against him. “I love you so much…” He purred to him as he pulled his back. “I always will.”

It was soft and slow this time, whispering his love and praise in his ear the whole time. Hearing and feeling his response to it. It was, as always, perfect.

\--

He was inside again, in the corridor in his mind this time. The doors in the main hall were all open, yawning out their terrible secrets. Flickering light from one, cold air and snow from another. The sound of beeping monitor in another. He could hear those horrific words floating out from one too. One that featured the whirr of the machine.

That was the one his mind had been going into today. And he knew it was the beginning and end of everything. It would reopen the Mission door again. Because they all starred there. 

The dusty footprints on the floor he’d seen with Wanda had led to this one he realized. He just hadn’t gone this far yet. Peering into it, coming face to face with the chair yet again. With him, as the Winter Soldier, strapped into it. Seeing the horror from the outside perspective.

Seeing it circle over his head and remembering it from his own perspective as well. The terror as it closed in. Could see the abject terror in his own eyes as it clamped over his head, tightening as it revved up. Could hear himself screaming as the painful blue light filled his head causing his body to convulse. His fingers to clamp on the arms of the chair. Could taste the copper in his mouth.

Because even though they’d given him a mouthpiece, he still bit his own lip hard enough bleed sometimes.

Felt the feeling of his mind being scrambled and turned inside out until he couldn’t think anymore. He was watching it and feeling it at the same time and the surrealness of it made him dizzy and sick. He clutched the very real feeling side of the doorway, feeling the cold wood, just like he could feel the cold arm of the chair as clutched it.

And those words being read even as the body in the chair was still convulsing from the wipe.

_Longing.. Rusted..Seventeen..Daybreak…Furnace… Nine.. Benign…Homecoming… One… Freight Car…_

Seeing the way he changed. The way the terror and pain was replaced by a blank calm. Waiting for orders. For his next target. Saw himself released from the chair. “Ready to Comply.” Spoken in perfect Russian.

He backed away from the door, practically stumbling back into the crooked hallway, feeling his anxiety rise again. His heartbeat increase, senses on edge. A sound behind him caused him to jump and be at the ready, expecting the faceless man with the electric rod. The terror of his nightmares and flashbacks. But instead it was the Winter Soldier. And he felt a dizzying sense of relief, feeling his knees waver in strength.

“It’s open.” The Soldier said, pointing to their left. To the Mission door. “We can go in now.”

Bucky felt the strength start to leave him, once again feeling exhausted. Absolute exhaustion he hadn’t felt in years. He nodded, trying to keep his balance, leaning his hand against the cool wood of the wall. And then he heard the boots again. And was suddenly terrified. The rational part of him knowing it wasn’t real but it sure as hell felt like it.

As real as he cold bare feet on the floor.

“We have to go.” The Solider said and immediately grabbed Bucky, who felt like he was going to collapse at any minute. “It’s not safe..”

In the moment before the Soldier dragged him through the Mission door, right before he blacked out, Bucky noticed two very important things. That when he and the Soldier touched in any way, the light got brighter in the hallway, as if the maddeningly locked door came loose a little.

The other thing he noticed was that, like him, the Soldier had a bracelet too, it gleamed on his right hand.

Because they were one person after all weren’t they?

“We’re gonna marry him..” He said deliriously as he was pulled through the door, his consciousness fading. “We both are…”

The Soldier looked at him for a moment as if contemplating this, and right as right as Bucky was starting to fade out he heard him say. “We love Steve..”

And then it went dark. Really dark.

\--

Steve felt Bucky having the seizure in his arms and immediately woke up. He turned him onto his back and restrained him as best he could, watching him convulse slightly, his hands seeming to clutch the sheets.

But there was something very different about this one. The shaking was not only harder this time, but there seemed to be a bit of blood coming out of his nose. Not a flood, just a light trickle, but it was alarming just the same.

Suddenly he stilled, his stiffened body relaxing and going limp in his arms. “Bucky?” He whispered to him, putting his hands on his face, making sure he was still breathing. He was. “Talk to me Buck please?”

It took a moment, but his eyes did flutter open, looking confused as they seemed to scan the room. It seemed to take him a while to focus and Steve was eerily reminded of his concussion a few weeks ago. Like this seizure had scrambled his brain a little. He kept holding his face steady until his eyes settled onto him. And Steve was not even close to certain this was actually Bucky at the moment either.

“Hey it’s okay.” Steve said softly, still studying the eyes for clues. “You’re okay?”

“Steve?” He asked, his hands resting on Steve’s arms.

It kept shifting in his eyes, sometimes he looked like Bucky, sometimes the Soldier. Like they were both there. But it wasn’t a merge so much it looked crossed wires. The intense seizure, or convulsion, had scrambled him now. That and the bloody nose, made him want to take him to a hospital, but he wasn’t sure what state he was in and how he would react to that.

“You’re in here too?” Bucky seemed to stammer, looking more confused than ever. “Is this a dream?”

“No Buck it’s not.” He replied, smoothing his hair back. “You’re awake..”

He looked terribly confused now, looking around him with wide eyes. “I can’t be…” Bucky told him, gripping his arms tighter. “Cause we’re in the hallway…” The metal fingers dug into his arm, which actually hurt a little. “How is that possible?”

Steve realized that Bucky might’ve been physically present, but he wasn’t there in a sense. At least not in their room, in their bed with their cat. He was somewhere else, or thought he was. It was frightening to him and he was trying to make sense of it.

“Bucky we’re at home.” Steve tried to explain. “You had a seizure and you’re not thinking straight.”

Bucky shook his head, looking scared himself. “No it’s gotta be a dream..” He insisted. “Either that or I’m…” He seemed to get distracted, as if seeing or hearing something, causing a look of abject terror. “He’s coming…”

Bucky it’s okay.” He said to him reassuringly. “He’s not gonna get you.”

He seemed to whimper and tried to scramble against the headboard and Steve couldn’t think of anything to do but put his arms around him as if to shield him from the terror he was seeing. He held him close and felt him clutch his shirt, pulling on it as he seemed to curl up in his arms, shaking hard.

“I can’t get out.” He whimpered against Steve’s shoulder. “I can’t get out.”

“It’s okay Buck.” Steve whispered into his hair. “I’m here. You’re safe.”

He didn’t know what this was. If it was result of the seizure. Or an extended dream. Or some kind of breakdown. All he knew was he needed to get him some help. Needed to take care of him. Be his protector right now and do what was best for him.

Even if it meant taking him to the hospital.

But for now he held him tight, just trying to calm him and bring him back to some kind of reality.  Then some phone calls would be made.

“Safe with Steve.” He heard Bucky say in the Soldier voice against his shoulder.

“Yes you are” Steve told him, pressing his lips to his head. “It got you.”

At that point he seemed to limp again, completely unconscious now.  His fell against Steve’s shoulder, his hand letting go of his shirt and he knew that moment it wasn’t a normal sleep it was something different. He was breathing, his pulse seemed normal, but it wasn’t right he could tell. He just knew. And so did Arya.  For her part was nudging Bucky with her face, meowing in what Steve heard as a worried tone.

So with Bucky’s unconscious body in one arm, he made a few necessary calls.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay first of all sorry this one took a while, like the last 2 chapters circumstances were getting in the way of my writing lol life you know? But I'm trying to get back on my regular schedule for what is likely to be the home-stretch of chapters here. 
> 
> Sorry about where it ended but I promise it's gonna work out. He needs sleep and this might be the only way he can get it. It may also give him more time inside as well. But Wanda and Tony's tech are still gonna play play a part in this, I can't say how but I will say that. 
> 
> This chapter I think, sort of like the last one, was a lot about the line between giving someone like Bucky, with his issues, autonomy to make their own choices but figuring out when you need to step in and take some control of it for the sake of that person. As someone with a disability I understand the need for the independence and why you sometimes fight against what's best for you. As Tony mentioned, Steve, as Bucky's proxy can make some decisions for him if he's unable to do it himself, and that involves mental issues like this too. But after all the control Hydra had on him you can see why he'd rebel against that sometimes. 
> 
> The chair is a character in this chapter in terms of it significance, it really was, one of the centers of his torment, and where his mind was probably damaged the most. It symbolizes the lack of control he had in the whole, and him seeing it from different angles is very important to overcoming. A lot like his other traumas, seeing from the inside AND the outside perspective is important. 
> 
> The dominant/submissive thing is sort of a theme that has existed in this fic to large degree because its in their relationship dynamic. Steve being aware of it, and not only taking advantage of the slight imbalance of power now, but knowing the difference between Bucky's just 'like it rough' sometimes and 'wanting to be punished' is as he said, a learning curve, and a big part of what is making this a healthy 'work in progress' relationship. 
> 
> And well, the entire scene in the weight room, including the sparring foreplay was there to provide a break in what was an angsty chapter in general. And unfortunatly the next one will be too. 
> 
> Oh and I took a few liberties with Tony's tech lol I'm assuming that system works that way but I don't know I'm writer not a scientist
> 
> This was hard delve into his mind and the next one will continue that and I can hint that this a big part of the endgame now. Other than that I have no details on the next chapter, The only thing i can say is, i'm hopefully back on schedule now :)
> 
> As always thank you for the lovely comments <3 <3


	35. The Last Door

When he opened his eyes again, he was inside the Mission door. On the floor to be precise. And the floor in here was pretty cooked too. It made him dizzy just to look at it for too long.

Bucky blinked and sat up, in his still hazy confusion looking for Steve. Because he swore he’d just been here, which made no sense really. The only person who the power to get in here was Wanda. But nonetheless Steve had been here, he was sure of it. But he wasn’t here now.

Not that he was alone mind you. He was never really alone in his head.

The Winter Soldier was sitting with his back against the now closed door. The one that connected them to the main dark hallway. He seemed to be holding it shut with his back, and Bucky could see the doorknob turn every so often. Could see blue electric light from the crack under the door. Could see the shadow of booted feet. Could feel the menace even from here.

The Soldier was holding it closed, braced against it. Protecting them both like he always did. And he looked tired. Worn out.

“Steve?” He asked him, it was the only thing he could think to ask. “Where’d he go?”

“He’s outside.” The Soldier answered, the strange air in here seeming to move his hair around like they were underwater. “He can’t come in here.”

“But he was here.” Bucky insisted. “I saw him.”

“You went out.. and came back.” The Soldier informed him. “He was not in here.”

He was still confused. He’d seen the hallway around him, had sensed the presence of his tormentor and everything. It had felt real. This was some damn crazy shit if he’d managed to bring the world into the real one. He shook his hand, not sure what to make of that. Or any of this. It all seemed to so real. Like the surreal crookedness and funny air that made their hair float around a little. Or the speaker that seemed to broadcast in Russian in the background. Never mind the fact that he could feel the cool floor under his ass.

If he was imagining all of this in his head than he was more messed up than he thought.

A pressing matter, in the figurative and literal sense, was that the Soldier was having trouble holding the door closed. He wasn’t strong enough by himself. Just like Bucky knew he himself wasn’t strong enough to go through all these Mission doors on his own either. They had to do it together.

They were stronger when they were together. He understood that deeply and knew what it meant.

Sliding himself over to the door, Bucky shoved his back up against it too, going shoulder to shoulder with his counterpart, and rested his own metal hand on the Soldier’s flesh one. The effect was immediate. Automatically the room became a bit brighter and the attempts to open the door behind them lessened. At least for the moment.

“We have to do it together.” He said out loud, looking over at his mirror image.

The Soldier looked back at him, the matching blue showing he understood this. “Yes.” He agreed. “It is the only way.”

Bucky felt pained, guilty, knowing what that meant, and also knowing that he had been selfish in many ways out of fear and a bizarre sort of jealously, in keeping him like this. Alone warding off the horror so he could live out there and function somewhat normally. He’d kept this part of himself away from the world and had only recently started to let him back in. His metal hand squeezed the Soldier’s as if to emphasis this regret.

“I was angry at you and I’m sorry.” He confessed, his eyes scanning the dates on the memory doors. Each marking a mission. “Angry at myself because I sorted created you to help me survive and then just left you to suffer and that really wasn’t fair.”

He realized he was talking about him like he was a separated person, when they were in fact just one in the same. And he knew, like Amelia had said, that he’d created this part of his mind to compartmentalize the things that he’d done in order to survive. That the anger he’d felt had been directed inwardly to punish himself. A brand of survivor’s guilt that he’d taken to extreme level in his head.

“We complied because we had to..” The Winter Soldier said to him as they continued to sit there against a door that really wasn’t real. Was symbolic like everything else in here. “To survive.”

Bucky nodded his head, knowing he was right. Knowing that all along, even though he’d done his best to blame himself for it all. Steve, Sam an Amelia had kept telling him the same damn thing and a stubborn part of him wouldn’t accept it but he knew he had to. To accept his lack of control over the situation. But knowing that that acceptance would bring a whole brand new of pain he wasn’t sure he could deal with either.

“I don’t know what to do to make it better.” Bucky said, his voice breaking. “I really don’t.”

“Right now, we just hold the door.” His other half said, looking over at him. “Until we know.”

Bucky nodded, leaning his head back against the cool wood of the door. “That might take a while.” He told him, closing his eyes for a moment. “Just saying.”

“It will come.” The Soldier said in that same calm tone. “Until then we stay here.”

The voice in Russian drone on over the speaker and that strange water like wind continued to blow around them both. And the nightmare that was behind the door was still there, Bucky sensed his malevolent presence on the other side, but their combined strength held it back for the moment.

Knowing their union was the real key to it all. That the Soldier had been right when he said that it was in them. Together. He just didn’t know how to go about it. But he supposed that was why he was trapped here, unable to wake up.

To figure it out.

He could feel the bracelet on the Soldier’s wrist and felt the one on his own. Felt his dog tags laying against his chest through his shirt and brought that same right wrist up and wrapped his hand around it. Both these objects grounding him. Along with the Winter Soldier’s fingers entwined with is.

Knowing if they could figure it out, they could get back to Steve and Arya and their life. Both of them this time. He wasn’t going to leave him behind anymore. You don’t leave a man behind.

“We’re gonna get back.” He said softly. “Both of us.”

He opened his eyes and saw the Soldier looking at him almost hopefully. “To Steve?”

“Yes.” Bucky said, turning his head to look at his counterpart again. “To Steve.”

Bucky swore he saw his other half smile at that. “We love Steve.” He said with a sureness in his voice. “Steve is home.”

“He sure is.” Bucky replied, closing his eyes and laying his head back against the door.

They sat like that for a while, in this dark world he’d created, holding back the monsters together. Trying to figure out how to get back there again.

\--

It was early morning by the time Sam arrived with Pam in tow. He had told her on the phone that at the moment he didn’t’ want to take him to a hospital unless he absolutely had to. And Pam had, as always been more than willing to accommodate her patient in that sense.

Bucky, for his part, had not woken up at all. Any attempt to rouse him had failed. Whatever it was, he was deep in it and unreachable and it scared Steve in a whole new way.

Sam, along with Wanda and Nat, had keys to their place for emergency purposes so they were able to come right in and bring along the medical equipment that she needed to work with. Which was another reason for Sam to be there as well. Because Pam came prepared.

“How long as he been out?” She asked, starting to examine Bucky as Steve laid him back down on the bed.

“A couple hours.” Steve told her. “He woke briefly after the seizure and was pretty incoherent before passing out again.” He swallowed hard, brushing his hair with his hand. “His nose was bleeding and that never happened before.”

“Sometimes that happens with the harder convulsions.” She told him as she checked his pupils with a light. “It might not mean anything.” She then checked his pulse and breathing. “How bad was the seizure.”

“Worse than normal.” He said honestly. “He was shaking pretty hard.”

As if on cue he seemed to have another, slightly less severe one. A visible shudder and stiffening of his body. Sam immediately helped Steve restrain him gently until it passed. But this time he didn’t wake up, just went limp again, looking pale, breathing ragged. And a little more blood come out of his nose. Once again not a flood but still unnerving.

“Well it’s obvious something major is happening in his brain.” Pam said and turned to pull out a needle and some other equipment. “I’m gonna start an IV and give him some fluids and a sedative if that’s alright.”

“A sedative?” Sam asked confused. “He’s already out cold.”

“It’s to keep his body relaxed so he doesn’t hurt himself if he has another one.” She informed them. “It’s a muscle relaxer.”

Steve nodded, trusting her judgement and just comforted him as best he could while she stared up the IV and gave him what he needed through it. He was amused and warmed by the fact that Arya had refused to leave Bucky’s side, crawling under his metal arm and curling up against his side purring as well. He saw Pam was taken by this too.

“She’s umm very protective.” Steve said with a little half smile.

“I can see that.” She replied with a smile of her own. “She’s not the only one.”

She told them that his heart-rate was normal and his breathing, even though ragged from the seizure wasn’t alarming. There was nothing outwardly alarming other than the fact that he was having more frequent and more severe seizures since his concussion, which said could be causing the nose to bleed this time. Saying sometimes that was a side-effect. She also said she wanted to re-attach the sensors so they could monitor him again and try to see exactly what was going on. But that there was no need to take him to a hospital yet unless the scans showed them a reason that required urgent care.

“So why is he still unconscious?” Steve asked, holding Bucky’s hand. “It’s like he won’t wake up.”

“I don’t know.” She answered, with genuine honesty. “We know his brain works in a very mysterious way that we are still trying to figure out, but my guess is that maybe it’s doing major repairs now.” She finished attaching the sensors to his head and sync’d her own device. “This might tell us more hopefully.” She put her hand on Steve’s comfortingly. “Whatever this is, he’s gonna be okay I’m sure of it. We just need to be patient is all.”

He hoped he’d looked more reassured than he actually felt. He needed to know what was going on. Needed an answer. But only Bucky could provide that and was.. not really there. And then he remembered something Bucky had told him few days earlier.

Wanda. She’d been able to get inside. She could see into his head. Maybe get an answer.

“I gotta make a phone call.” He said suddenly, picking his phone up off the bed-stand.

Both of them looked at him quizzically as he pulled up her number and dialed it, all the while not leaving Bucky’s side either. Not wanting too far from him just yet. Not until he fully knew what was happening here. Until he could quiet his worry and terrible thoughts. His other hand, the one not with the phone, brushed some of Bucky’s hair off his face as he stood there next to the bed.

“Steve?” Wanda’s tired voice came up over the phone, starting to sound worried. “What’s wrong?”

“I need you to come over.” He told her, jumping right into. “I’ll explain when you get here but.. we need your help.”

“I’ll be right over.” She told him, sounding much more awake. “Promise.”

Hanging up he put the phone down and bent over, kissing Bucky’s forehead and taking his hand in his. He didn’t know what was happening. Where he was right now but hopefully Wanda could help them find out.

“You know you should get some rest man.” Sam said with his hand on Steve’s shoulder. “You need to take care of yourself too.”

“Thanks Sam but I’m not going anywhere.” He replied, not looking away from Bucky, who was showing no signs of stirring. “Not until I’m sure he’s okay.”

“I know that man.” Sam said in that same calm way. “But wearing yourself isn’t gonna help him right now. “ He smiled warmly. “In fact it would probably piss him off if he knew.”

“I can watch him for a bit Steve.” Pam told him herself from the other side of the bed. “Just take a little break and take care of yourself. For him.”

Steve sighed. “Fine.” He agreed, but just for a few minutes.”

He let Sam take him downstairs to get some food and some water. But he was still a nervous wreck. Sam knew this and didn’t even try to calm him or reassure him. He knew it was futile as long as Bucky was in this state. Instead he asked another question.

“So who’d you call?”

Steve looked at him, surprised by the question before remembering. “Wanda.” He finally answered, eating some toast. “She can get inside his head.” He looked up at Sam, knowing he didn’t need to explain this to him. “She’s done it before.”

“Is it safe?” Sam asked. “Cause let me tell you man when it comes to my girlfriend, she’s very protective of her patients.”

Steve smiled at that, because he liked her a lot. She always had Bucky’s best interests at heart. “I can tell. She’s good like that.” He answered. “And yeah it seems to be.. Wanda would never hurt him.”

As if on cue Wanda had arrived, letting herself because she had feeling it was an emergency. She shot in the door and immediately ran to Steve, who caught her in his arms, feeling her concern radiating off her like an aura. She was that empathic.

“Is he okay?” She asked, her voice sounding like she might’ve been in tears on the way here. “Tell me please.”

He explained it to her and she immediately insisted on seeing him, not taking any kind of no for answer and they escorted her upstairs. Sam proceeded to explain to Pam about Wanda a little more thoroughly than he before while Wanda went over to Bucky was laying unconscious and crouched next to him. She took his hand with one of hers and the other glowed softly as it stroked his hair. He could see more tears in her eyes as she doted on him.

“Can you find him?” Steve asked her, crouching next to her. “We need to know what’s going on.”

She looked at Steve, and seemed to sniff back her tears. “I’ll try.” She told him and Steve saw the glow in her hand increase as placed it firmly on his head and closed her own eyes, concentrating.

Steve continued to crouch next to her, hoping she could find him in that place he was so deeply stuck in.

\--

The chaoticness of the room around them seemed to calm a little, Bucky wasn’t sure why, but it had. He even felt a little calmer, more focused now. He could think instead of being paralyzed by fear and guilt like he was earlier. It allowed him to observe more and keep his thought process moving.

All the doors in this hall were opened just a slight crack, little noises come out of them. Sometimes some cold air, other times, hot and dusty. The only similarities they had were the sound of death. Varying types of death yes, but to be honest it was all the same nightmare really. The same horror show set to different music. Bombs going off, car alarms blaring. The sound of a semi-automatic rifle. A woman crying out for her husband.

He didn’t want to look in these any more than he wanted to look in the others. But he had to.

And only the Winter Soldier could open them. More precisely the two of them together.  

Bucky tried to think more about how it was supposed to go. It wasn’t like he was expert at psychiatry or anything. That was his therapist not him. The only thing he could glean from what she said was about acceptance. About forgiveness. That it was the only way to fix the fracture in his head, but he didn’t know ho to go about that. The other half of him was sitting right next to him and it was clear they weren’t together so what?

Granted this was all symbolism he knew. That this place wasn’t real in spite of how it felt. He was, after all, batshit crazy so he was just imagining it, his mind constructing images to cope with his reality but still there had to be a corresponding action in here. Something to start it.

He felt the menace behind the door against the door and Soldier’s hand seemed to tighten on his, causing it to got a little brighter for a moment. And that caused something to flicker in his head now. Remembering that every time they touched the light changed and the terror fell back. That he felt stronger.

They were starting to connect even more.

 _You have to forgive him.._ Amelia had said to him. _You have to forgive yourself.._

Not just forgive but accept.

And he knew. Knew that the force of the connection was the key to it all. To bring him back in and absorb him. To make them one again. Then they would be strong enough for the rest. Because separated it was killing them.

He had already apologized in some ways. He had to go the rest of the way now.

Bucky turned slightly to his other half, keeping their hands connected and lifted his other hand to his face, touching it, causing the brightness to increase even more around them. “You need to show me.” He told him, seeing the mirror of his own eyes looking back at him. “Open the doors for me.”

The Soldier seemed confused by this at first. “You never wanted to be there before.” He said, turning slightly himself. “It’s why I took them from you.”

“I still don’t want to.” He told him, leaning his head against his now, feeling the room brighten even more. “But I know I have to, for both of us. “ He took a deep breath of the strange air. “It’s time I did my fair share of the carrying.”

The surrealness of what was going on right now was enough to make his head spin. He was talking to himself in his head in a place he created. Thinking maybe he did need to be locked somewhere. But Amelia, Steve and the others had accepted this as his process. Like Wanda said about his painting, he was still figuring out his process for this too. And the people around him that supported him in it understood. And maybe that was what mattered most.

It was at that moment he felt another presence in there with them. Not a malevolent one either. A red glow seemed to fill up the room and the Soldier looked a bit alarmed at this. Bucky lowered his hand and held onto to both his arms with his own, looking him straight in the eye, blue on blue.

He knew who this was. The only person in the world who could get in here with them. “It’s okay.” He told his counterpart. “She’s okay.”

Bucky saw her appear, her hair doing that float that reminded him of being underwater, but didn’t get up. Just stayed put, keeping the connection with the Soldier. But felt overwhelmingly gratefulness for her presence in the moment.

“I should’ve known.” He said, giving her a smirk.

“Did you think you could hide from me?” She asked, tilting her head at his surprised face before crouching in front of them both. “Not a chance.”

He would’ve joshed her further but suddenly a painful thought occurred to him. “What’s happening?” He asked worriedly. “Is Steve okay?”

She looked sad and put her hand on his shoulder, not even looking slightly confused by a doppleganger right next to him. “You’ve been unconscious for almost 6 hours now.” She told him. “And he’s holding up but.. he’s scared.”

Bucky’s heart hurt at what Steve must be going through right now and just wished he could wake up and tell him it was okay. That he was okay. But he knew he couldn’t just yet. There was too much to do and take care of. And he didn’t know how long it would take but it hadn’t even felt like an hour in here and it had been 6 already outside. And that scared him a lot.

“Can you do something for me?” He asked her. “For us.” He looked back at the Winter Soldier as well. “Can you tell him that we’re okay. That we have to do something, and I don’t know how long it’s gonna take.” He gave a sad smile. “That we love him.”

“I will.” She said softly to them both. “Do you need anyt help?” She asked, looking around. “Need me to do anything.”

Oh it was tempting. But he knew that wasn’t how it worked. In therapy he’d learned that others could help you, but the ultimate work had to be done yourself. It wouldn’t stick any other way. Having the support made you stronger but the main battles you had fight yourself. And he knew this was the case here. It was his battle, not hers. So he shook his head.

“We have to do this ourselves.” He told her. “But thank you.”

She put her hand on his face and smiled, letting her other hand rest on the Soldier’s arm, who surprisingly didn’t seem to mind. Knowing this one was a friend. “Okay.” She said to them both. “But if you don’t come back sooner rather than later, I’m coming after you. You got that?”

“Ye ma’am.” He said with as much bravado as he possibly could to hide how terrified he was. “Now get outta here kid and look after my idiot and my cat will ya?”

She laughed and stood up, her hands doing that circle they always did when she was at the height of her power. “Sure will old man.” She said and then added sincerely. “Be careful.”

With a burst of energy she was gone and they were alone again. He looked back at the Winter Soldier, re-affirming their connection again. They kept themselves against the door, blocking the monsters on the other side, getting closer and stronger by the minute. Even the bruises on the Soldiers face were fading now he saw.

“Show me.” Bucky said with a determination that hid his fear. “Open them.”

\--

Steve and the others watched Wanda work, seeing the glow of her hand resting on his head. She wasn’t gone all that long but when she did finally break the connection, she still looked worried. But relieved as well.

“Did you find him?” Steve asked, while Pam checked his vitals again just to make sure. “Is he okay?”

“Yeah I did, and he is.” She told him, taking his hand. “As okay he’s gonna be but he said ‘we need to do something and he doesn’t how long it’s gonna take.” She leaned closer to him and add. “And that he love you and he’s sorry.”

She used the term ‘we’ and that didn’t have to explained at all. “They were both there weren’t they?”

“Yes I saw both of them.” She informed him. “They’re stronger when their together. I can feel it.”

She put her hand on his face and he felt like crying at the softness of it. “Thank you.” He said quietly, afraid to raise his voice. “If it wasn’t for you I’d.. I don’t know.”

He felt Wanda wrap her arms around him and hug him tightly. “He’s gonna be okay Steve.” She said softly, her hand on the back of his head. “I know he is. He’s strong.”

Steve nodded against her shoulder and let her comfort him for the moment. Looking over her shoulder at Bucky, who was still sleeping soundly, but whom Wanda had assured him was very much still there. But it didn’t help him feel better. He wanted those blue eyes open and looking at him. Wanted to see him smile and sass him. To kiss him stupid with his hand in that beautiful brown hair as he did so.

And felt an anger that he had to go through this at all. That he had to suffer this way.   He knew that anger would do no good right now. That he couldn’t fix it, but he still felt it just the same. The every loved one felt when someone they loved was suffering and they couldn’t fix it.

“I just want him to be okay.” He said quietly to her. “And I wish I could’ve protected him then.” He buried his face more into her shoulder. “I just.. feel so helpless sometimes.”

“It’s okay.” Wanda softly to him. “You’re helping him now and he knows that.”

Steve nodded and let her continue to hug him as Bucky slept behind them, fighting whatever battle he needed to fight in his head.

A little Pam informed him there wasn’t much more she could do at the moment other than monitor his brain waves and heart-rate through remote sensors. She said that neurologist would be monitoring it as well and reassured him this was not for a study this time but for purely Bucky’s health and benefit.

“If anything else happens call me immediately. “She told him, packing some stuff up. “Otherwise I will monitor him through this, and it will alert me if anything major occurs.” She checked his vitals one more before removing the IV, leaving the catheter just in case. “For right now we should let him rest and we’ll see what the results say.”

“Thank you.” Steve said, meaning it. Not all doctors made house calls like this anymore, but she made exceptions.

“And get some rest yourself man.” Sam told him, giving him a pat on the arm. “You look like shit.”

Steve shook his head. “Thanks a lot.”

He was grateful to Sam too. He’d after all, not only got Pam to be Bucky’s doctor but found him Amelia as well. Both of whom had gone above and beyond for their complicated patient. Steve couldn’t thank him enough for that.

Wanda offered to stay, insisted on it actually. Said she’d take the couch in the art room to take a nap on. She would not take no for answer, seeing how tired Steve was. Telling him she’d make him some food and insisting that he got some rest. When Steve tried to protest she pulled the best card she could out of her deck.

“Well he aske him to look after you and Arya and I promised to do that.” She told him, tapping him on the shoulder. “So take a nap Captain Rogers or I’ll put you to sleep myself and you know I can do it.”

He saw that look in her eyes and knew she was serious. And the idea that Bucky, even in the state he was in, was concerned about him made feel emotional again. Remembering when they were kids, and how Bucky never babied him, but still insisted on taking care of him. Even when he resisted. And he was tired, very much so, hadn’t realized how much until he sat down on the bed next to Bucky and yawned.

“Alright if you insist.” He said and laid down next to Bucky, who had, in his deep sleep state, turned on his side. “But I’m taking it here.”

She smiled as if she expected nothing less. “Of course.”

Steve wrapped his arms around Bucky from behind, pulling his back close against his chest. Wanting him wrapped up in his arms tightly. Even if he wasn’t really there. As long he could feel his body in his arms, bury his face in his hair and feel him breathing he would be okay for now. Pulling the blanket over both of him, he held him close to him.

After Wanda had left them alone, he nuzzled his neck softly. “Wherever you are Buck.” He whispered in his ear, brushing his hair softly. “Just know I love you okay?” His other arm wrapped tighter around him. “And I’m gonna marry you jerk so you better come back you hear me?”

He let himself drift off to sleep, with Bucky safely tucked between him and Arya for the time being. All of them under the watchful eye of Wanda Maximoff. Who check in periodically as the day progressed, and smiled at the adorable sight of their little family curled up together in bed.

\--

The first memory that seemed to open was one of being on a high tower somewhere. A cool crisp day, with a rifle in his hands. Peering through the scope at a target that was far enough away as to make a clean exit. They emphasized that. The idea was to not be noticed in these cases.

Acquire target. Eliminate. Disappear. No witnesses.

Any deviation from this was punished and harshly too. Parameters were made very clear on that. The target and witnesses eliminated were nothing personal and none of the Assets business to know. Questions were unwanted and unnecessary.

Two shots. both of them kill shots to make sure. Efficiency with ammo was stressed as well. Other weapons would be used to silence witnesses. Which if the asset did the job right, there wouldn’t be any.

Next one he saw involved disabling a car from his bike and sending it into a ravine. It had to look like an accident. There was training on this too. There always was. Every contingency accounted for. The target was still alive inside the car. So lighting the gasoline line was necessary. In this one Bucky could smell the burning flesh, hear the screaming in his ears because, well, you needed to confirm the kill by staying close. The smell was similar to the smell of cooked bacon, and Bucky knew why he didn’t like that now.

Slaying a witness in the night, using the knife quickly and efficiently. There was a proper way to do it. To ensure silence and quick death. The asset was taught this as well. Proper motion and angle. The training on this had been particularly brutal, requiring ‘volunteers’ aka prisoners as test dummies. He remembered their eyes right before he’d dispatch them, some of them almost seeming grateful. Almost like freedom. And a part of him longed for that. But they were never going to let him die. Not like that at least.

One involved using a garrot. Something that was trained if you didn’t have enough space to do anything else. They taught him how to do it, and how to escape one. Those training sessions were brutal, almost but not quite having the life strangled out of you. A part of him knew during these that they wouldn’t let him die like that but another part of him wasn’t sure about that. Knowing now that was part of the power they had over him. The power to decide whether he lived or died. And how painful that life would be. Amelia had told himthis was part of their control over him.

Another memory involved involved a bombing, with a specific target and allowance for collateral damage to cover it. Like the sniper ones, there were multiple ones of these.  With multiple fatalities. Bomb making was another aspect of training, although like the sniper stuff, he already had some training with the army. They just taught him new ways and methods. He could smell the gas and once again burning flesh. Hearing the screams from a safe vantage point. Once again confirming the completed mission.

And of course there was the night of December 16, 1991 as well.

Following them. Disabling the car. Finding Howard, one of the few victims whose name he knew and whose face he recognized now and pulling him up the hair. Hearing a name that rang a bell. Feeling confused for a moment before his protocol took over. No time for thinking. Mission had to be accomplished.

Hearing the sounds of facial bones breaking and a skull fracturing. There were places you could hit someone that caused almost instant death. They taught you to target that too.  And in the right place to mimic an accident. He was responsible for quite a few ‘accidents’ he now knew.  And after putting him in the car, had to take care of the witness too. And for Bucky, even though they were all hard to watch, this one hurt the most.

A woman, not unlike his own mother, with a life and a son. Whose only crime was being there at all. He had to break her neck, because it was an ‘accident’. He had woven a tale in his mind that he’d been merciful, that he’d strangled her with his right hand, but the truth was colder. A snapped neck made more sense in a car accident than a strangulation did.  It made him ill to think about it. To hear that snap in his head And in some ways made him wish that Tony had finished the job on him. Hell the guy was entitled to some justice right?

But sitting here, letting the Winter Soldier show him all of it was making think as well. How it always started and ended with the tube and the chair. From icy cold to burning blue light with little space between. How he was simply not allowed any other option but to succeed in horrifying fashion. Knowing the whole story. The operations, the torture, the conditioning and the horrific abuse when he didn’t respond right. The sheer violence of his life and the fact that he literally had no way out. That every part of his life was controlled by them down to the clothes he wore and how often he got to eat. It showed him in painful fashion just what it all meant.

The Winter Soldier never had real options but to do what he was told. It was about survival. Like Amelia kept telling, the choice was taken from him the minute they captured him.

The images, as always, were horrifyingly graphic, every part of his senses had recorded so much of it, but he’d blocked a lot of it. Even the wipes never took it away permanently, just cut off the access to them. But that was back now. It was all coming back, like a breaking dam.

Bucky looked over at the Soldier, who looked as tired as he felt. And Bucky thought as well, pained at things he’d had to do. But had a pragmatism as well. It was clear in his eyes and even clearer when he finally spoke.

“I am sad sometimes.” He said, looking forward at all the open doors. “But we needed to survive.” He then turned to Bucky, their matching eyes meeting. “If there had been another way..”

“There wasn’t.” Bucky finished, finally able to admit at least that much. “I know that. I think I’ve always known.”

“It was them not us.” The Soldier added. “They made us.”

Bucky turned fully now, taking his eyes off the open doors of memory. “Yes but.” He said with a sudden realization that was changing everything for him. “They can’t anymore.” He linked their arms together a little more, seeing the light brighten again. “They’re gone.”

He knew it was very close now. Very close to what needed to be done. Could see it in the Winter Soldier’s eyes, the understanding of that truth. And the realization what that meant for them. And that moment he felt a little sad. A little selfish maybe too. Knowing he’d treated this part of himself unfairly for a long time. Had blamed him for it all rather than putting it where it really belonged.

“I don’t blame you anymore.” He said softly, still looking in his eyes. Essentially looking in a mirror at himself now. On a deep level he understood this. “It wasn’t your fault.”

The relief he felt in being able to admit that, was like a giant weight lifting off of him. On he didn’t realize he’d been carrying because he was so used to that weight. He knew the guilt would always be in him in some way, but it was tempered by the knowledge that it was a residue of things that were done to him to make him feel that way. It would be something he would work on for a long time he knew.

“You’re not angry anymore?” The Solider asked, with a surprised look on his face.

Bucky shook his head, and strangely felt the room start to level out a little more now. “Not at you.” He said, his hands encircling the Soldier’s forearms. “Not anymore.”

The Winter Soldier had a look of relief and revelation once again, as if processing this. And then a seemingly sad look came over his face, his hair still doing that bizarre underwater like float.

“I’ll be going away won’t I?” He asked, although it wasn’t really a question.

“Not entirely.” Bucky answered. “I still need you around.” He looked at him pointedly. “You’re still part of me” He slid his hand over the Soldier’s version of the bracelet, visible just below his sleeve. “Steve loves you too.”

The Soldier tilted his head. “Steve is yours.”

“No.” Bucky replied, shaking his head. “He belongs to both of us.”

They were very close now. But he wanted to do one more thing first. Give him one more freedom before they truly became one again. He owed him that much for taking all of this and getting so little in return. Knowing in some ways it was ridiculous, because they were simply two halves of his mind, but like they said, his mind wasn’t typical so who was to say what was ridiculous and what wasn’t right?

“You could go and see him.” He suggested, pulling him to his feet, not feeling the need to truly hold the door anymore. Nothing out there could truly hurt him he now knew. “One more time if you want.” He looked at the door for a second. “I can handle it, don’t worry.”

The Soldier looked simultaineously confused and grateful at the same time. Steve would’ve recognized that look as one of Bucky’s he was sure. “See Steve?”

Bucky nodded. “Yes.” He assured. “And take your time.” He smiled at him. “Tell him it’s gonna be better now.”

There was a strange moment of fading out that occurred at that moment and Bucky was left alone for the moment. He smiled to himself, feeling truly better about things now than he had in a while.  And seeing the handle turning on that door, feeling some fear but a strange sort of courage as well. Knowing he could face that too.

“Comme on in you asshole.” He said under his breath as it opened. “I dare you.”

\--

Steve was awoken by a movement that had little to do with sleep. It was a turn and a soft touch to the face. He opened his eyes immediately and those blue ones staring at him. It was Bucky but yet it wasn’t. And a part of him knew what going on here.

“Soldier?” He asked, although it wasn’t really a question.

“Steve.” The Soldier responded, looking a bit sad.

He had to ask, just to know. The stress and the worry were killing him in spite of Wanda’s reassurances that it was okay. “What’s happening?” He asked, pulling him a little closer. “Is Bucky okay?”

“Yes he is.” The Solider answered, staring into his eyes in a strange new way. “We both are.”

“When is he coming back?” Steve asked, leaning his head against his.

The Soldier’s hand, the metal one, seemed to slide up against Steve’s hair, almost comfortingly. “When we are done.” He said softly to him, the edge in his voice completely gone. “When we’re one.”

Suddenly he knew exactly what this was. It was a goodbye. Although it wasn’t as if he was truly going away, he would always be there in Bucky. He’d see him in his eyes and in his personality. But he wouldn’t come out quite like this anymore. It made him feel sad in that regretful way. That this part of him had to give up it’s personal autonomy for the greater good of Bucky’s mental health. It was the right thing but it still felt like a loss.

“You’ll miss me.” The Soldier said, breaking up his thought process. It was uncanny how he could almost read his thoughts. “When I’m gone?”

“I will.. very much.” Steve admitted, letting his face nuzzle against his lovingly. “But you won’t really be gone..” He wrapped his arm tighter around him. “You’ll just be part of him again.. like you always should’ve been.”

The metal fingers moved in his hair and Steve felt their lips meet in a soft precious kiss. The one that always felt strangely pure and innocent, like their first one on the roof that time. Before life had truly come along and slapped it out of both of them. He wrapped his arms tighter around him, pulling him closer to him, before laying him on his back gently. His other hand, the flesh one, gripped his shirt, pulling him closer as well as if not wanting to let go just yet.

When they pulled back, he looked into his eyes, so like Bucky’s, yet different “Thank you.” The Soldier said, his metal fingers, digging in Steve’s hair.

Steve brushed his hair softly. “For what?”

“For freeing us.” The Soldier answered, giving him an actual smile now.  

“I didn’t free you.” He replied, nuzzling his face softly. “You did that yourself.”

He watched the Winter Soldier shake his head, and for a moment it was totally Bucky. “You were the one who took the chains off.” He said adamantly. “It was you.”

He didn’t give Steve a chance to argue further, kissing him again, with even more gusto this time. And Steve let his hands move over him. Over his sides, his hips and thighs. It had never, and would never go further than that, but that had always been enough for them in this situation.  The drawn out kiss and the soft intimate touches. The things he’d been denied in his existence of being, what could only rightly be called, a slave. There was a beautiful innocence in that, and Steve wondered if Bucky would keep that too. He hoped he would. That the sacrifice on the Soldier’s part might cause a rebirth of sorts for Bucky.

When their lips parted for a second time, the Soldier buried his face in Steve’s shoulder, clasping his back and his hair. Wanting to hold on just a little longer. So Steve held him tight himself, lifting him a little and wrapping his own hand around the back of his head.

“He says it will be better now.” The Soldier said softly against his shoulder. “It will be okay.”

Steve nodded, trying to hold back his emotion but it was hard. “I know it will.”

“I love you.” The Soldier then said, nuzzling his face into Steve’s neck now. “My Steve.”

The softness and sincerity was just too much and he let some tears fall as he buried his face in his hair. “I love you too Soldier.” He whispered to him. “I always wil.”

He wanted that to be the last words he heard in his last moment of complete autonomy. Because he meant it. He loved that part of him too. The complicated part that nearly killed him on a few occasions. The one that was so untrusting at first but had finally learned how to. The one that had told him things Bucky couldn’t bring himself to say.

He was a part of Bucky and Steve loved every part of him.

In the waning moment they had, before the body in his arms went limp again, he’d realized that in his final declaration to him, he’d said ‘I’ instead of ‘we’.  That he was nearly one now.  

Sitting up with him in his arms, he knew he was going to hold him while he finished this part himself. Wanting him to be the first thing he woke up to. So he buried his face in his hair and vowed to hold him until then.

“I’m right here.” He whispered in his ear. “I’m not going anywhere.”

\--

The monster that stood before him seemed strangely diminished now. Like how when you turned on the light, that hump in your closet that looked like the boogyman turned out to just be a pile of clothes. It was amazing what perspective and light could do.

“You will comply.” It said. “Or else.”

Bucky just stood there, standing his ground and shook his head. “Nah I don’t think I will.” He said to the demon in boots. “You have no power over me now shithead.”

If it had any real eyes left, it might’ve looked surprised and angry. “I guess you want this then don’t you?” It hissed and raised the rod, which spit blue fire out the end. “You seemed to like it.”

The fear flickered in him for a moment, the memory of the rod and how it was used to punish him. And them memory of being forced to his knees to be used like trash. He hadn’t liked any of that. Knowing now he was never given the choice either way. Him or the Soldier for that matter.

“I never liked any of it.” He said back to him and added. “You were never that big or memorable.” Using the double meaning to imply a lot of things. “You were nothing but bully.. like the rest of them. “ He stepped forward and put his hand on the end of the rod, which didn’t even burn. Because it wasn’t really there. “And I hate bullies.”

That monster seemed to diminish even more as he ripped the weapon out of his hand and it seemed to disintegrate in his own hand. He was understanding this for what it was now, understating the symbolism, even if it was just in his head. It was never real. The ones that hurt him were truly gone now. This was a freeing concept.

He grabbed that monster by the throat with his metal arm and lifted him, staring it in the face. “You’re small.. you’re nothing and I killed you long ago..” He hissed, squeezing tighter. “It’s time for you to be gone..”

He felt a tremendous amount of power go through him in that moment, pulsing up his arm, causing the hand to squeeze, and the paper tiger in it was not match for it. Just like that the creature that had tormented him forever was reduced to dust at his feet. And some of the other noises quieted as well.

Then he felt a hand on his shoulder, and at one time this might have made him jump but it didn’t this time. He turned and the Soldier was there again. Looking healthier than ever. Unburdened himself. It was like a reflection of himself.

“He is gone.” The Soldier said, kicking at the dust a little. “We are safe.”

“Yes we are.” Bucky said, not even sparing a second. “It can’t hurt us now.”

The Solider seemed to look around as they stood by the doorway to the main hallway. “We should go now.” He said matter of factly. “It’s time.”

“It is.” Bucky agreed, pulling him into said hallway, which seemed to straightening now, the sounds were dying down. Not gone completely. These ghosts never would be completely gone he knew. “Are you ready?”

The Winter Soldier nodded. “Yes.” He answered and then added. “Thank you.”

“No.. thank you.” Bucky said in response, taking both his hands. “For protecting me.” He gave him a wry smile. “I might still need you to do that once and a while though.. because you always were the sensible one of us.”

He reached out to him, knowing he was the one that had to start this, and wrapped his arms around his other half, embracing him. He felt the Winter Soldier embrace him too and felt that sense of completion finally. Bringing his 2 halves together. Of coming home. It was such a relief.

Bucky knew even then it didn’t fix him completely. He would always be somewhat damaged and altered by his life, but what he did know was, it wasn’t going to control him anymore either. That the shackles and restraints they’d put on him had fallen off finally and was free of that. He knew the pain and the scars would always be there and mark him too, but they would now symbolize his survival.  Something he would try to remind himself in the immediate aftermath of this, which he knew would be tough. But he would survive that too.

“Let’s go home.” He said to the Soldier as they embraced. “Both of us.”

The was a strange feeling of immersion and combining at that moment. A meld of his mind. All the Soldier’s thoughts mingled with his and at first he thought it might drive him mad. And maybe it would temporarily because it was, quite frankly, overwhelming. But he heard one thought very clearly.

 _Home.._ the voice of Soldier now said in his head. _Steve is home…_

When Bucky opened his eyes, he was alone in the hallway. It was just him. But there was something else. There was more light now. It was so much brighter in there.

Because the door, that maddening door, was ajar now. And he knew if he pulled on the handle it would open the whole way. It clicked in, and he remembered what the Soldier had said in his dream that time.

 _The key.._ he’d said. _It’s in us.._

He stepped closer to it, finally closing the distance and stopped in front of it. Momentarily frightened for reasons he couldn’t understand just yet. The fear of the unknown. About what lay beyond it. Remembering what Sam had said about being trapped, even though the way out was right in front of you. When you lived in a place so long that even though it was dark and scary, it felt safer to you because it was yours. It was familiar.

It was brief doubt and fear and it stopped him for a moment. But he also knew that being brave wasn’t an absence of fear. It was having that fear and still going forward in spite of it. Steve had shown him that over and over again during the course of their lives.

Reaching out with a shaking hand, he put it on the door hand and slowly pulled it open. The last door he needed to walk through. The unknown future.

He took a deep breath for a moment, letting the bright light fill that once dark hallway, lighting it up, including the dark corners. Exposing all the dark things to that light.

And then he stepped through it, briefly closing his eyes. And when he opened them again, he was in Steve’s arms, blinking against the sunlight coming in through the window. Feeling the warmth of not only that light, but of the strong arms around him.

He was home.

In that moment he understood fully what that door was all along. No only the way out, but the door to his future. To his new reality. One where his mind was finally whole again. The realization and the subsequent emotion around it was overwhelming and he needed a moment before it flooded him and he lost all sense of himself.

He would crash emotionally he knew, once he could truly process what happened. But he wanted the safe moment first. So he closed his eyes and didn’t let Steve know he was awake yet. Just let him hold him a little longer. Let himself lay in those protective arms for the time being.

Because once he let go, things would be different. For better or worse.

 _We love Steve.._ he heard the voice of the Soldier in his head like a whisper. _Steve is safe.. Steve is home.._

 --

As he was holding him, he felt what thought another seizure. Bucky’s whole body seemed to shake and Steve held him tighter. Feeling scared and worried. Wondering if this would ever stop. If he would ever be okay. It felt the one in the middle of the night, hard and purposeful and it was all he could do to keep him still.

Finally it subsided and Bucky seemed to fall limp again for a while. Steve petted his hair, burying his face in it. “It’s okay.” He whispered to him. “I got you.”

He sat like that for a long time, maybe an hour, he wasn’t sure. And then thought he felt something different. Almost as if one of Bucky’s hands moved on his back just a little.  He turned his head slightly pushed some of his hair back and thought his face looked different, a subtle difference. The one between actually sleeping and just having your eyes closed.

“Bucky?” He asked tentatively. “Are you there?”

There wasn’t a response for a minute or so and Steve thought he’d imagined it until he heard Bucky’s voice. Sounding dry and cracked from lack of use but very much him.  “Of course I am punk.. where else would I be?”

Steve heart immediately swelled up, the emotion overtaking him. He pulled back, putting his hands on Bucky’s face to look at him. Seeing those beautiful teal blue eyes, clear and open.  A tentative smile on his face. And something else as well. Wholeness. He recognized it.

“Oh my God.” He said in a choked voice. “Look at you…”

“Look at what?” Bucky asked, his hands on Steve’s arms. “You’re acting like you haven’t seen me in years.”

It had felt like it, even though it had only really been a day. But what a difference a day made. “I haven’t.. “ He told him, pulling his face closer. “Not like this..”

He was so damn beautiful at that moment he wanted to cry. He could see shades of the Soldier in his eyes. See a clarity he had only seen in glimpse before. Could see the strength inside. And could also see that he was barely holding himself together at that moment. Could read the fresh pain too. The exposed nerve. Whatever had happened in his head, while healing him, had clearly taken a massive toll on him as well.

“Steve..” Bucky seemed to force out, his lip trembling in a painful way. “I.. fixed it..” He started to tremble even more in his arms. “It’ll be better now I swear..”

He cupped Bucky’s face in his hands and held him like that, looking in his eyes. “I know it will.. but Buck.” His thumbs moved over his face as he looked into those clear, yet very pained eyes. “Are you okay?”

Bucky’s lip trembled even more, his metal hand gripping Steve’s arm tighter. “I.. I don’t know..” He seemed to stammer, losing his tight grip on himself. “I remember… everything and…it’s so much… I can’t..”

Steve saw his face crumple in pain right before he butted his head against his shoulder, gripping his shirt tightly. Like a vice-gripe. A shuddering sob when through his entire body, a sound like a painful moan coming from deep within him at the same time. And then he was crying painfully, soaking Steve’s shirt with it as he buried his face against his shoulder. And Steve just wrapped his arms tight around him, letting him curl his somewhat large body against Steve’s larger one.

It was literally pouring out of him, and it hurt to hear and to feel. Steve wrapped his hand around the back of Bucky’s head, and kissed it before resting his chin on it. Knowing there was nothing he could really say at the moment. That he just needed to hold him for now. To comfort him.

And in that moment felt his own painful tears squeezing out of his eyes as well.

Thinking of everything he’d gone though up to this moment. From the war and the torture and captivity. To freeing himself and trying to recover for years on end. And what it felt like to watch this, to support it and process his own feelings while watching Bucky suffer through it all. Steve felt like could break down himself and knew he just might before today was over.

He felt Bucky start to calm a little in his arms, laying the side of his head on Steve’s shoulder now. Looking down he brushed some of his hair away from his red-rimmed eyes and kissed his forehead softly, feeling the slight shudders going though him still.

“I’m sorry.” Bucky seemed to say quietly, his voice still raspy. “I don’t know what happened there.”

“Bucky it’s okay.” Steve reassured him, hating the fact that he felt the need to apologize for breaking down like that. “You don’t need to apologize for that.”

“I feel like I do.” He said as he sat up a little in his arms, his hands resting on Steve’s arms again. “I know you’ve been worried about me all and I’ve been putting you through hell…and I just feel kind of selfish you know?”

Steve put his hands on his face, cupping it. “Bucky no it’s okay.” He told him softly and laid his head against his. “I’m just glad you’re back okay?” He nuzzled his face a little more. “We can deal with the rest later.”

“You’re too good for me punk.” Bucky said with a heavy sigh, his eyes closed again. “You know that?”

“Well see jerk that’s where you’re wrong.” He replied, smiling and letting his thumbs run over his face a little more. “You’re the one that’s too good for an idiot like me.”

He saw him smile a little at that and once again was taken by how stunning he was in that moment, even with his eyes red from crying, he was goddamn beautiful. It was the sense of wholeness he saw. It was still raw he could tell. It would be for a while he knew. Like a scab ripped off a long suffering wound, Exposed to the air for the first time in forever. Having the feeling this would be the first of many breakdowns. But even in that raw pain he could see that wholeness in him, that strength that would only grow over time as this wound healed as well and he began to navigate his new reality.

“Well you are definitely an idiot.” Bucky seemed to agree. “But I guess that makes me more of one because I’m stupidly in love you.”

Steve was about to answer when he felt a furry little body insinuate herself between them. Arya was purring up a storm, happy to see her dark-haired daddy awake. He saw Bucky smile at her and scoop her up into his arms, letting her little paws sit on his shoulders as he held her by her bottom and hugged her to him. Steve just lost it at the way she snuggled into his neck and rubbed her little face in it.

“I missed you too little darlin’” Bucky cooed to her and looked up at Steve. “I missed both of you.”

Steve wrapped his hand around the back of Bucky’s head and kissed it, letting his other hand pet Arya. “She never left your side.” He said as he leaned his head back against Bucky’s. “She was there whole time you were out.”

“I bet both of you were.” Bucky said knowingly. “I know how stubborn you are.”

“Wanda’s here too.” He informed him. “She’s taking a nap in the other room.”

“I know” Bucky answered. “I saw her.”

Steve smiled at that, happy to at least know she was able to contact him like that. Happy that they both had friends like that, but especially happy for Bucky. Because he knew he was going to need those friends now more than ever to get him through the rest of his recovery, however long that took.

“And judging by these things on my head.” Bucky added and looked at him arm. “And this.” He motioned to the bandaged catheter.”She wasn’t the only one.”

Steve brushed his hair and smiled. “You got a lot of people who care about you Buck.” He said softly. “A lot.”

Bucky nodded and looked down. “I know.” He said so quietly he could barely hear him. “Sometimes I still find that hard to believe.” He petted Arya little more, who seemed to have snuggled against him that much more. “I was alone for a long time.. and even now it still takes some getting used to.”

“Well you better get used to it jerk.” Steve told him, gripping his hair softly as he held his face to his. “Because that’s your life now whether you like it or not.”

He saw Bucky look up at him as they sat there like that, seeing the clarity through the still obvious pain. “I actually do kinda like it punk.” He replied, smiling a little more. “I could get used to it.”

Gripping his hair a little more Steve finally gave in and kissed him, not skimping on the job either. And had a strange sensation of renewal here. Like it felt a little different. There was a sense of softness, of purity in it. And a part of him wondered if this was the Winter Soldier coming through a little. Like Bucky was sharing it now with him. Or course he was. They were one now weren’t they?

“I love you so much.” He whispered against his lips, pulling him a little closer.

He felt Bucky smile against his lips. “I love you too punk.” He answered, pulling back only slightly to speak. “And I’m still gonna marry your dumb ass.”

“Damn straight jerk.” Steve replied, pulling him back to kiss him again. “I’m a man of my words.”

Bucky eventually let Arya down and she scampered off his lap to do whatever she did when they were like this. Not that it was going anywhere today. He was still clearly exhausted and not well yet, even though he’d been sleeping the whole day. Steve pulled Bucky closer to him, kissing him deeper with more emotion before laying him back on the bed.  Just kissing and touching him softly. Taking care of him because it was what he needed. What they both needed really.

“Steve?” Bucky whispered to him, pulling his lips away again to look up at him. “That house.. the one I painted.” His arms wrapped around Steve’s arms, fingers encircling the biceps gently. “What was it? Because I.. kinda remember it but..”

Steve smiled down at him, one hand brushing his hair and the other resting softly on his hip. “What do you remember about it?” He asked, wishing he could remember the whole, knowing it might take time to come back. “Tell me.”

“That I was with you.” Bucky answered, scrunching his face up a little as if trying to find it in the avalanche of new memories he now had. “And that I was..in pain but.. I felt safe. “ He smiled a little. “Like I do now.”

“That’s because you were.” He told him, brushing his lips over his. “And I promise you always will be with me.” His hand trailed over his side and he saw Bucky’s eyes flutter closed. “That’s an iron-clad promise.”

He kissed him again then, feeling Bucky’s hands slide up his arms to his shoulders and could feel not only the gauze on his arm, but that bracelet on his wrist. The one that promised that it was forever. Because it was. For better or worse that was the promise really. So he let himself sink into it for now, caring for him in this moment. That was all that mattered.

Knowing he might have another rough patch ahead, when the real recovery began.  The real healing. The last mile was sometimes the hardest. The most tiring. But it really was in sight now.

And also knowing that this whole, brand new version of Bucky was going to be a new adventure. A new challenge. And Steve Rogers was always up for that.

When it came to Bucky Barnes, he was fully committed to the fight. It was worth

He felt him wrap his arms around him again, those metal fingers hooking into his hair and it caused him against his lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so... here we are guys what did you think of the merging because let me tell you something honest. I was actually very emotional writing parts of this chapter. You know it's tough when you make yourself cry (couldn't been horomones or whatever but yeah it still made me lose it a little)
> 
> I think it was because, for me at least, the Winter Solider was a bit part of this fic for so long that he became a character in his own right. Going from being a threat to both Steve and Bucky to a much more benevolent course. Sebastian said once that he never really though of him as a villian because he had complicated motivations and I think as a writer it was interesting for me to find those motivations and make people see that not just Bucky but WS himself (whose a part of him) was a victim as well because he never knew anything but what Hydra wanted him to know. And was only pain and torture in response even though he did what they wanted. To me that's a sad life no matter who you are. So I wanted to make that part of Bucky's personality less menacing and more sympathetic like Bucky because he was Bucky. The part of him that was wounded and used so badly. 
> 
> His relationship with Steve was one of my favorite parts, the way it started with the immediate threat but also how he was gradually calmed and won over by his new 'handler' to point where he loved him just as much as Bucky did. It was, in a way, Steve winning over the rest of Bucky, the part that still wounded and mistrustful.So I wanted to give them a proper send-off and it was one of the hardest parts to write from an emotional standpoint. 
> 
> And the eventual, gradual acceptance from Bucky himself was hug part of the last 10 chapters or so, because true healing only comes from acceptance. 
> 
> So it pained me in a way to sort of dissolve him, and it felt a sacrifice of some sort, because he was truly finding autonomy and now has to give it up. But as both Steve and Bucky said, he's not really gone, he's just part of him now and its the way it should've been all along. 
> 
> Facing up to the main abuser yet was to me like a child confronting the monster in his closet and realizing it didn't have the power they thought it did. Bucky's realization that man couldn't hurt him any more, that none of them could was huge for him going forward. 
> 
> Confronting his past 'crimes' was the main catalyst in this and his understanding about motivation and culpability was key to them getting out, it was always in the cards for him to take an outside look at those things and see it from a different perspective. Like I said about a monster, is once you understand it, it loses it frightening hold on you. Insight comes from that. 
> 
> What's next for Bucky now? Well the next chapter will the fallout from the merge and how it affects him psychologically going forward, because it will. The avalanche of memories and the pain of coping with that is like ripping a scab for the final time, it hurts like and will bleed fresh but will heal stronger now because it's finally exposed to the air. In the next one (or two depending on how it goes) you will so much needed closure and real healing and that's always good. It will forward faster in time, through the fall. And don't forget down the line there is a wedding in the cards. So I hope you all will continue to join me here its quite labor of love.
> 
> And once again thank for for the lovely comments :)


	36. August

He was so tired. So exhausted he could barely move. Just wanted to curl up under the blanket with Steve and Arya. It was the only place that was quiet and safe at the moment.  His head was just a mess of memories and images of a painful confusing journey and it ached and throbbed now. He just wanted darkness and quiet.

Bucky was vaguely aware of Steve getting a phone call, heard him talking but didn’t really listen, just sort tucked his head under his chin, shutting everything else out. It occurred to him not only had he been out for at least a full day, but he hadn’t really eaten anything solid in at least two.  His throat still felt dry even though Steve had given him some water. He knew he wasn’t good physically and probably not mentally either.  He was messed up in all kinds of ways right now.

Merging had fixed some things but opened up some new wounds that he knew needed tending to. That his emotional outburst with Steve had only hinted at. There was a new sense of guilt he couldn’t even hint at yet. Hell he didn’t even know how to define it but it was settling into him.

He felt guilty about the Winter Soldier. Like he’d killed him when he absorbed him. Denied his right to exist. His autonomy. Something he’d realized that he’d never really had in his existence. He knew it wasn’t true, that he had simply absorbed that part of him back into himself, but it still felt a strange sort of murder to him. It was ridiculous and made him feel even more crazy than he already felt but it was there, eating at him now. Knowing he needed to address this, along with all the painful memories he’d inherited. But not right now.

All those things that had gone on his mind he felt he had to be crazy. He didn’t have an explanation for it. For that world inside his head that had felt so real and tangible. It scared him shitless. The freedom he’d felt at the time had been replaced with this new confusion and all he wanted to do was just hide beside Steve and try to put himself back together all over again.

That was something he had a lot of practice in doing unfortunately.

Steve hung up the phone and wrapped him up again, pressing his warm lips comfortingly to the side of Bucky’s head before speaking to him. “They want me to take you to the hospital Buck.” He said softly against his forehead. “And I think that’s a good idea.”

He felt himself stiffen slightly. “I don’t need to go.” Bucky replied, nuzzling his face into Steve’s neck.  “I’m awake..” He tried to put on a brave smile. “I’m okay.”

“The hell you are Buck.” Steve told him, knowing he was lying about that. “You’ve been unconscious for over 24 hours, had 3 seizures and haven’t eaten during that time so don’t bullshit me okay?” He brushed Bucky’s hair softly. “You need medical care.”

Bucky nuzzled his neck a little more, as if trying to climb into him to hide more. “I think I got enough care here.” He said with light tone. “I don’t need any more.”

He knew Steve wasn’t buying it, all he had to do was look at him and see he wasn’t fine. Pale, red eyes and weak as a kitten. Steve sure as hell was not going to buy that he was fine.

“Bucky we have to go okay?” Steve told him, helping him up to lean against the headboard. “This is not a negotiation.” He smiled a little, putting his hands on his face. “I am gonna pull rank here.”

Bucky felt Steve’s hand in his hair, soft this time but still firm. His eyes fluttered shut and he nodded. “Okay.” He said, barely above a whisper.

Steve helped get him dressed because, quite honestly, he could barely move now. All he could do was think as it was happening. About going to the hospital, about where he went in his head. How he had disintegrated the monster in his head for a lack of a better word, and how it had felt better in there in one sense. But he was not wanting to go to that place and be tested and touched and all the things that went on there. He didn’t want to go but didn’t fight it either. Thinking it was better that Steve make the decisions right now because he knew he was in no shape to. His head was all over the place. But he still tried a weak protest or two.

“What about Arya?” He asked tiredly, petting her. “We might be gone a few days.”

“Wanda’s gonna drive us to the hospital.” Steve informed him, a light blanket around his shoulders. “And then she’s gonna come back and look after her.”

“Alright but..” He tried to get up. “I can walk myself to the car.”

His attempt to get up disproved that relatively quickly. It was like his legs had no strength in them whatsoever, but Steve was right there to catch him. “You were saying?” He said, a little smart-alecky too as he sat him back down. “You’re getting a transport.”

Bucky rolled his eyes as sarcastically as he could muster. “Just don’t drop me punk okay?”

“Never again jerk.” Steve whispered to him, his voice sad and serious for a moment. “Never again.”

He felt pained at that and grabbed his arm. “Steve I fell.” He said softly. “You didn’t drop me.”

Steve stopped and crouched in front of him, his hands on his face. “Maybe but.” He said in response, the pain and guilt still clearly showing. “I didn’t catch you either.” He wrapped his around Bucky’s head and kissed it, and Bucky swore he saw some tears in his eyes. “But I swear I’ll never let you fall again that’s a promise.”

Bucky bit his lip, feeling emotional at that as he let Steve pick him, with a blanket wrapped around him. He laid his tiredly on his shoulder, closing his eyes. He heard Wanda’s voice and felt her hand squeeze his tightly for a moment, and then felt her other hand on his head as she gave him a kiss as well of comfort. He felt so sleepy but smiled just the same.

“You’re gonna be okay.” She said softly to him, the warmth of her hand penetrating his tired mind. “I know you are.”

Bucky knew that in that moment she could see he was clearer now, even if he was full of confusion and painful memories, he was whole and now able to fully process them. The red warmth that was now in his head was comforting, soothing to his overworked mind. Between that and Steve’s arm as he was holding him, he felt safe again, enough to let himself drift a little on his shoulder, his arms looped loosely around Steve’s neck.

He could feel the warmth of the sun on his face as they went outside and climbed into the car. He blinked against the sun and buried his face in Steve’s shoulder. He felt him pull the blanket more over him as he settled him into his lap. Heard the car start and felt it begin to move.

“Steve?” He whispered softly into his neck, his hand gripping his shirt under the blanket. “I’m sorry about all this.” He felt Steve’s lips on his head, warm, soothing. “I really am.”

He’d put him through and still felt the need to apologize again for it. But Steve wasn’t hearing it right now. “No apologizes jerk.” He whispered to him. “It’s okay.”

Bucky felt emotional again hearing that and curled more against him in the car. He didn’t want to cry again not with everything so close to the surface. The memories of all the deaths he’d caused and all the pain he’d gone through now that he had the Winter Soldier’s memories as well. And the guilt he felt over him too. He was still in pain, a deep rough kind that was almost unbearable. He didn’t understand at the time that this was simply the fresh pain of a scab removal, exposed raw skin finally feeling the air on it.

That he was starting to truly heal now. That the real recovery was beginning.

“Steve.” He said again, closing his eyes tighter. “It hurts.”

“It’s okay.” He heard him whispered, holding him a little closer. “I got you.”

He tucked his head a little more under the blanket, letting his mind spin and just let Steve take care of it for now.

\--

Steve sat down heavily next to the hospital bed. Watching Bucky as he slept again. He was resting comfortably right now, Pam had thinking it was best to sedate him lightly and let him sleep normally while they ran more tests. Tests she unfortunately couldn’t do at their house, which was why they were heare now. He remembered Bucky being slightly amused at the idea of needing sleep, even in his exhausted state, where he’d put up little fight at the hospital as a result.

“More sleep?” He had asked as the IV line was reattached to the catheter in his wrist. “Didn’t I already take a 24 hour nap?”

Pam had smiled at that while taking his readings. “That wasn’t a nap it was a state of unconsciousness, and we need to find out what caused it.” She told him. “You need real sleep, and as Steve has informed us you haven’t been getting a lot of that lately and it may have contributed to this.”

“I was sleeping.” Bucky protested tiredly. “I just kept having nightmares.”

“He also said you’d been getting sick lately too and that you haven’t eaten a lot in the last week.” She continued, giving him a stern look. “And since you were taking a ‘long nap’ you definitely didn’t eat then either.” She put her hand on his shoulder gently. “As you could understand this is very concerning to us considering your medical history. Not to mention the more sever frequent seizures.”

Steve felt a little chagrined himself. “I probably should’ve called you sooner than yesterday then huh?” He asked her, his hand on Bucky’s metal one. “That’s on me.”

“No it’s me.” Bucky told him, looking up with still slightly red eyes. “I didn’t want to go to the hospital, and he was just… doing what I wanted.”

Steve looked down at Bucky, who still looked pale and a little thinner than normal. Due to the lack of food he’d consumed lately. He knew in a sense that he’d humored Bucky for his comfort when he probably should’ve just taken him to the hospital at the first sign of a problem. Remembering Tony telling him that sometimes he’d have to intervene on his behalf even if he didn’t want him to. As much as it took away a little of Bucky’s autonomy, it might’ve been for his own good.

“Bucky I’m responsible for you okay?” He said softly to him, letting his hand brush his hair a little. “I should’ve taken you earlier this week and maybe all this wouldn’t have happened.” He squeezed the metal hand again. “Don’t argue with me about it I should’ve done it.”

“I just.. want you to stop taking all the responsibility punk.” Bucky continued to argue a little, which in some ways was encouraging. Although he supposed it was to mask his discomfort where he was too. “I need to take… better care of myself too it’s not… all on you..”

Steve knew he had a hard time with that, with not taking the responsibility for it. It went deeper than just this. He felt responsible for Bucky in general, still feeling that guilt even though both Bucky and the Winter Soldier had told him it wasn’t. He supposed he always would, and that it was something he had to work on more.

“Just let me have this one jerk.” Steve finally said in a jesting tone. “Let me win for once.”

Bucky nodded. “Okay punk..” He said with a little drug induced tease in his voice. “But this conversation isn’t over..”

His eyes starting to flutter a little, indicating he was probably about to fall asleep again. And for a moment this scared Steve a little, thinking he might not wake up again for a while.  Knowing it wasn’t likely to happen this time, but it didn’t stop the fear from being there.  The fear that he might never wake up the next time.

“It’s no ones fault okay?” Pam said reassuringly to them both. “You had no reason to believe anything was wrong, especially in knowing his seizures were helping his brain heal.” She adjusted the sensors on his heads as she talked. “And his nightmares, the getting sick, it’s part of his PTSD so there were no real alarm bells Steve and you called me the minute you knew something was really wrong.”

“I’m just..” Steve said, still brushing his hair softly. “I’m responsible for him.”

She reached over and put her hand on his shoulder. “It’s not on you Steve. If anything, I should’ve probably insisted on bringing him to the hospital, but he’s a special case so I made a house call. “She said softly to him. “Neither of us knew he was going to stay out that long. “ She smiled as they both looked down at Bucky. Who looked like he was trying to follow this but the sedative was starting to take effect. “He’ll be okay we’ll take good care of him.”

Steve had been reassured by her calm presence, knowing she meant it. They had both respected Bucky’s dislike of being at the hospital and had elected to care for him at home. Realizing Pam had a taken a risk herself as a doctor doing so. Especially if something had gone seriously wrong with him. But he was glad he was here now, knowing he was too tired and sedated to put up much of an argument about it or have any kind of anxiety attack. And Steve supposed it was another reason to sedate him right now.

That he seemed to be in some kind of emotional turmoil was another good reason for him to rest.

She had said he would probably have to stay a few days up here in the ICU for precautionary reasons and so they could monitor him and run more tests. He wasn’t sure how Bucky would take that knowledge when he was coherent enough to understand it. His mind seemed to be a bit of mess. It made him wonder what exactly had happened while he was unconscious.

When he’d first woken up Steve had been so overwhelmed with relief that hadn’t considered everything he’d said in that moment. He had noticed more of a wholeness about him, could swear he’d seen the Winter Soldier in his eyes as well. As if they were one. Saw a version of Bucky in that moment he hadn’t seen for a long time. Something overwhelming and beautiful.

But he was still so clearly distressed as well. And now he remembered him saying he remembered everything right, that they were ‘one’ now, before he broke down and Steve knew he was overwhelmed with it. Possibly in a new stage of recovery now. He made a mental note to call Amelia in the morning and let her know something new was going on.

But for now, he just sat with Bucky, watching him doze while the machine beeped behind him. He was hoping that this would be the last time he had to do anything like this. Because this was really taking a told him to deal with himself. To watch Bucky continue to suffer for as long he had. It made him want to go out and find anyone remotely associated with Hydra and just annihilate them. But there weren’t many left for that.

Sam had told him had to take care of himself too and he knew he was right, but it was difficult to admit that he needed it.

He wrapped his hand around Bucky’s wrist, the one with the IV line and the bracelet still on it. He entwined their fingers together and laid his head on it, letting some of that emotion slip out while he some privacy to do it. He was proud enough to not want anyone to see just how much it was hurting him.

Then he felt Bucky’s hand move in his and his metal fingers on his head. “Steve?” Bucky’s raspy voice asked, concern in it. “I’m sorry.” The fingers moved on his head as Steve turned his head to look up at him. “It’s gonna be better I promise.”

“I know Buck.” He replied, trying to give him a brave smile. “I know.”

“I’m worried about you.” Bucky said, seeming to swallow hard as if to get some moisture in his throat. “You gotta take care of yourself too.”

He looked up at Bucky, whose bleary eyes were registering pain, but not for himself, for Steve. He thought he saw what looked like worry mixed with guilt and hated that he made him feel bad about it. He was the one in the hospital again and was worried about Steve.

“I am Buck.” He said in return, rising up a little to kiss him on the head. “I’m alright.”

He saw Bucky bite his lip as he looked up at him. “They have a.. a group at the VA you know?” He pushed out, talking seemed to take effort for him to do. “It’s for people who live with people who have…PTSD and….stuff..” He blinked hard as if trying to stay awake. “Maybe you should go.. you know it might help..”

Steve was surprised by the suggestion, considering the situation they were in right now. He knew Bucky had very much utilized the resources at the VA, that he wasn’t just seeing Amelia but going to Sam’s group as well. The fact that he thought of this at all indicated he’d looked into it the last time he was there. For him. Which warmed Steve’s heart a lot to know that even with everything Bucky was going through he was still trying to help and protect Steve too. It was just in his nature he supposed.

“I’ll look into it Buck.” He told him, squeezing his hand gently. “Once I get you home.”

“Please do it Steve.” Bucky replied, as adamantly as he could. “I’ve put you through a lot and you need to.. deal with that..” His voice seemed to break a little. “You need to heal too.”

Just the emotion and the earnestness in his voice and his eyes made Steve realize he had to at least consider it  for Bucky’s piece of mind too. “I promise.” He said softly, squeezing. “I’ll take a look okay?

Bucky bit his lip softly, looking up at him and once again Steve was struck by how vulnerable he looked at the moment. How he had to surrender all kinds of control over to others because he couldn’t trust himself right now. But he was seeing some sass in those eyes as well, giving a look he knew well.

“You better punk.” He told Steve, giving him a stern look. ”Or I’ll drag you there by your hair. “ He smiled at him, wrapping his fingers around Steve’s arm. “And you know I can.”

“Yeah I know you can.”

Bucky just continued to stare at him as if he was seeing something precious. “I mead a promise.” He told Steve, his hand, with the IV sticking out of it, wrapping around Steve’s wrist.  “ I said I’d look after you.”

Steve looked down at him, confused and a little curious, letting his other hand brush his hair. “Who did you promise Buck?” He asked, not sure if he was going to answer yet.

“Your mom.” Bucky answered, his eyes half open as if the light hurt them a bit, and it probably did. “Last time I saw her I promised her I’d protect you.” He swallowed again, as if still needing moisture. “Don’t think I did a great job of that but…I’m still trying to keep it..”

It hit him to think that Bucky had a conversation like that with his mother. He knew they’d been close to0. That she had secretly supported them and had adored like another son. He could see the hurt in Bucky’s eyes at the idea that maybe he’d failed at it some degree and felt the need to reassure him that he hadn’t.

“Bucky you always took care of me.” He told him, leaning over al little more. “I was a pain in the ass but you did.” He brushed his hair a little more with his fingers. “You kept that promise.”

“But it feels like.. I’m the one that’s hurt you the most.” Bucky protested, looking like he was going to get emotional again. “Look what I’m doing to you now.”

“No Buck.” He reassured, sitting down on the bed next to him to comfort him a little more. “They hurt you and that’s what hurts me..” He buried his face in his hair. “None of that’s your fault.”

Bucky nodded slightly and tried to curl into him as best he could on the hospital bed. Once again managing to make it work in spite of the wires and the smallness of the bed. Steve pulled the blanket over him to cover him a little more. Making sure he was covered and warm because he could feel him shaking a little. And it wasn’t just from the cold.

“How long do I have to stay here?” He asked into Steve’s shoulder, his face buried against him.

“Pam said probably a few days.” Steve told him, feeling a little shiver go through Bucky’s body at that information. “They want to make sure it doesn’t happen again that’s all.” He rested his chin on top of Bucky’s head, and rubbed his arm. “I promise I’ll be here the whole time okay? I’m not going anywhere.”

Pam had made damn sure that Steve was given absolute permission to stay in the room with him during the whole ordeal and it was another way she went above and beyond for her patient. Sam had been right on that part. Bucky wasn’t just a patient, a number on a card, he was a person who was special to her as well. Steve was glad that there were so many more people that cared about him like this. Letting him build all kinds of kinds of trust and helping him get better. Because he was. Little by little he was healing.

“Good.” Bucky said against his shoulder. “Cause these pillows suck.”

Steve chuckled at that and just wrapped him up tighter in his arms, allowing him to rest even more comfortably there. Knowing he was Bucky’s favorite pillow and making sure he lived up to that.

“Just goona use me like that huh?” He teased, nuzzling his hair a little. “I see how it is.”

“Damn straight punk.” Bucky sassed back, wrapping his arm around him. “Get used to spending the rest of your life as my pillow.”

Steve chuckled and let him get more comfortable. “Wouldn’t have it any other way jerk.” He whispered to him. “Now get some sleep.”

He finally did, settling down and letting the sedative do its thing, allowing his body and mind to relax for once. And Steve was happy to observe that he slept very peacefully that night.

\--

“So how are you lately?”

Bucky blinked at the question, realizing he hadn’t been paying attention. Had been looking out the window of the office. His thoughts were turbulent per usual, not giving him much of rest. He looked over at Amelia, who had her usual patient look on her face as she waited for his answer.

“Okay I guess.” He answered finally, looking and feeling a chagrined. “It’s been a long couple of weeks.”

“I’ll bet it was.” She replied studying him. “You were pretty low when I saw you last week. You’d just gotten out of the hospital so that’s why I didn’t push it then but you seem a little better now.”

He had ended up being in the hospital for almost 4 days and it hadn’t been close to easy to deal with. Although he’d spent half the time either asleep or sedated, it didn’t make it any easier on him mentally. They had run all kinds of tests, MRI’s and CAT scans and blood work. They’d been very concerned about the violent seizures he’d had during his episode and the length of the unconsciousness. Bucky himself had weird, dream-like memories of his mental activities during it. Knowing he’d managed to put his two halves back together and to exorcise a demon or two, but most of it was a bit fuzzy and seemed, well, crazy. Like the delusions of a madman. So he hadn’t talked about it much. Was honestly a little afraid to.

The end results of the tests confirm that his brain had done major repairs during that time but the severe seizure that had put him in that state to begin with, had not only caused the nose bleeds because of the strain on his breathing, but might done a little bit of minor damage as well. That he was going to suffer from chronic migraine headaches for the rest of his life most likely, but it couldn’t been a lot worse they’d said. But it was the cause of that serious seizure that had been the part that kept him in the hospital that long.

He had in fact, over-strained his brain, causing lack of sleep and a minor psychosis that wouldn’t let his brain rest even while sleeping. Which wouldn’t allow for necessary repairs that even a normal brain needed to do.  So his brain had, in defense of itself, put him into a short term coma like state in order to do so. And Pam and the others had wanted to make sure that didn’t happen again, so they kept him there, using some mediation to get him back into a normal sleep cycle again.

And Steve had been rigid about this when they’d gotten home, making him go to be at the same time every night and do what he could to get him to sleep and stay asleep. He had even prescribed medicine to help him with this in the short term as well. Bucky had gotten kind of annoyed by both these things and it had caused more than a few arguments. But in the end, he’d relent, knowing Steve was doing it for his own good, but it was still annoying. He felt like a child sometimes and had said so.

His head was still filling with all kinds of memories now too and it made him irritable as well. Which caused its own set of problems too. Affecting their intimacy levels and creating a lot of tension with them, and Bucky had never wanted to smoke more than he had these days. Had to seriously restrain himself from sneaking out and getting a pack to take the edge off. It seemed nicotine addiction was a long term fight as well, at least from a psychological standpoint.

Not to mention it was now August and hot as all hell, so taking a walk or a jog was pretty much out of the question. So no relief there either.

“It’s been a rough adjustment.” He said, looking down at his hands. “I guess it’s finally taking it’s toll.”

“What about you and Steve?” She asked softly, still watching him carefully. “Is everything okay there?”

He felt like she’d read his mind and it unnerved him a little. But there was no point in lying because she’d know. “It’s been a bit tense.” He admitted, biting his lip. “Ever since I got out of the hospital. He’s been a bit.. over-protective and normally I’m alright with but.”

“But now you’re not.” She finished. “Why do you think that is?”

“I don’t know.” He said, sighing a little. “Maybe because he’s so focused on me he’s not really looking after himself.” He ran his hands through his hair nervously. “I tell him to and he keeps saying that he’s gotta get me better first.. but that might take a while and tis.. frustrating.”

“Because you want to look after him too.” Amelia said softly to him, causing him to meet her eyes again. “Like when you two were younger is that what it is?”

Bucky felt caught for a minute, touching on another aspect of his strange new guilt. Or maybe it wasn’t exactly new. He’d wanted badly to be able to help out and look after Steve too, feeling those old instincts kick in as more and more memories put themselves together in his head. The truth was, he felt he didn’t do his fair share these days. And he knew his illness had taken a toll on Steve even if he wouldn’t admit outright.

“I used to look after him all the time.” He said quietly, thinking about it now. “His dad was dead and his mom worked a lot as a nurse and he was always sick and getting into fights and..”

“And someone had to look after him.” She finished again. “You told me once that you had a lot of responsibilities in your own family too, even when you were still a kid.”

“It was the Depression.. my dad worked a lot and I had do my fair share that’s all.” He answered to her as if this should’ve been obvious.  Sometimes he forgot just how old he was. “It was just.. different then.”

“You were the oldest and the only other male in your family.” She recalled for him. She had notes on it because Bucky had mentioned it once or twice. “You had to get a job and help take care of your family and Steve too.. that’s a lot of responsibility for a kid even then.”

He felt a little defensive like she’d seen inside again. “I could handle it.. everyone had to.” He told her, biting his lip again. “That’s just how it was.”

“I know, but I think you feel like you’re not pulling your weight.” She told him softly, her tone one of understanding. “Like you still think you need to look after Steve even now.”

There was a memory in his head now that seemed to go right along with it. A painful one from when he was younger. From his first real experience with the ravages of disease and death. When he was barely 20. Of making a promise to someone he felt he hadn’t really lived up to.

_“I know he’ll be okay as long as he has you.” She had said, in the middle of a hard coughing fit. “That you’ll protect him..”_

“I made a promise.” He told Amelia, admitting this out loud for the first time in here. “And I’m not sure I’ve lived up to it.”

“What did you promise?”

He felt himself locking up a bit at this question, thinking it was old news and no bearing on now. But Amelia knew better and he knew that. But it didn’t stop him from trying to deflect it just the say.

“It doesn’t matter.” He said shortly. “It was a long time ago.”

“No Bucky.” She said softly. “It does or it wouldn’t bother you this much.”

And now sitting in front of his easel, staring at the unfinished painting of that abandoned house from the war, he knew she was right. It did matter. Of all the things he was recalling, of all the memories he was processing, this one went to his heart. Another he’d kept to himself until recently.

Sometimes he hated how much of an exposed nerve he’d been lately. It was like everything was falling out of him and he had not control over it anymore. Knowing it was a sign that he was recovering but he’d always kept everything so close to him that sharing it felt foreign. Maybe even a bit weak in some ways. Growing up it was stressed that being a man meant you managed your feelings better. And you didn’t talk about things like that. It was another thing he was still trying to overcome sometimes.

And lately he’d fallen back on it, trying to contain those feelings and was sort keeping everyone at a distance while he sorted it out. Except for Arya of course, who being a cat would allow her Daddy to ignore her for long.

She was actually sitting in the window as if keeping an eye on him. It was sort of comforting.

He continued to look at the painting, trying to find the answer that was eluding him for weeks. Prior to his incident even. Wondering why he still couldn’t remember it clearly.  Something was blocking it, keeping it from becoming clear. And for some reason he didn’t want to ask Steve, he wanted to come on its own.

He lifted the brush, put it in some grey shadows in the windows. It was shaped vaguely like 2 people and he knew one of them was him, and one was Steve and the position was one that looked like an argument. Something he was familiar with these days.

Did they fight then? He couldn’t remember and he just wasn’t sure he wasn’t reflecting their tension lately. But looking at it, he still felt that sense of love and safety as well. It was confusing.

Just then he felt his hand on his shoulder, which startled him enough to nearly drop the brush. “You alright?” He heard Steve’s voice say from above him.

“When am I ever okay?” He asked a little sarcastically, resuming his painting. Adding details. “Actually don’t answer that.”

He felt Steve sit behind him, letting his hands rest lightly on his waist. His chin rested on Bucky’s shoulder as he watched him just add minor details here and there. Bucky was wondering if Steve could feel the tenseness in him right now. Could see he was in one of those moods. Even if he did, it didn’t stop him from just sitting like this.

“You still don’t remember it do you?” Steve asked quietly, raising a hand to move some of Bucky’s hair off his neck.

“No I can’t.” He answered, trying not to let Steve’s presence here undo him too much. “It’s still.. not very clear.” He studied the painting a little more and then added. “Did we have a fight then?”

“Yeah I guess you could call it that.” Steve answered, pressing his lips to his shoulder. “You were in a bad place and I was trying get you to talk.” Bucky felt Steve’s arm slide around him a little tighter now. “Kind of like now.”

“I’m okay Steve.” He replied, knowing he wasn’t but still unwilling to say it. “I’m better now remember?” He closed his eyes for a moment and took a breath. “My heads back together at least.”

He felt that familiar twinge of guilt over that. He felt the Winter Soldier in him even now, but it was a tickle of personality. He had been relatively silent, and Bucky supposed that part of him was doing its own healing too. Possibly silent reflection and observation. They were, after all, in it together. But he couldn’t ge the feeling out of his head that he had, in some way, killed him in a sense. So he avoided that subject too for now.

He was avoiding a lot things these days.

He felt Steve hold him a little tighter, burying his face in his shoulder. “Then why am I getting frostbit right now Buck?” He asked into his shoulder. “If everything’s fine.”

He put the brush down, feeling caught again. Knowing if he lied Steve would know. He didn’t have to have Wanda’s abilities to be able to tell that. “Because I don’t want to be like that anymore.” He admitted, attempting to get up now. “I don’t want you have to take care of me all the damn time.” He stood up and ran his hands through his hair. “It’s been like that for too long and I feel like.. like I’m defective or something. Like I can’t function on my own.”

“Bucky listen to me okay?” Steve said as he stood up too, not touching him yet as if sensing he needed the space. “You’re not defective. You’re just.. still recovering that’s all.”

“It feels like I am.” He answered, doing a pace back and forth. “I put my head back together but now I need to be drugged just to get me to sleep normally because my brain won’t stop thinking now.” He just kept moving back and forth restlessly, unable to stop himself. “And I feel….”

Steve looked at him intensely. “Feel what Buck?” He asked. “Tell me.”

He ran his hands through his hair again and finally just said it. “Guilty.” He said in a shaky voice. “I mean that’s nothing new but.. this is different.” He left his hands on his face trying to calm him breathing. “God ai need a cigarette.”  

“You don’t need one.” Steve told him evenly. “You want one.” He stepped a little closer to him. “Because you’re stressing.”

He pissed him off when he said shit like that. In that tone. “Well thank you Doctor Rogers for the brilliant analysis but I already got a damn shrink.”

“Why do you feel guilty Buck?”

It was a simple question, but it made him annoyed again. He’d been annoyed a lot lately. “Do I need a damn reason?” He snapped defensively. “Guilt and I are old friends.. we spend a lot of fucking time together.”

Steve seemed to ignore the sarcasm which just annoyed him further. “This is different Buck.” He said in that same annoyingly even tone. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

“Dammit Steve nothing’s wrong!” He shot back. “It’s the same shit its always been. So you can stop hovering around me like a fucking helicopter and stop asking.”

“We gonna do this again?” Steve asked, a little irritation in his voice now.  “For real?”

“Do what?”

“You know what.” Steve replied stepping forward just a little bit more.  

Bucky stood with his hands on his hips knowing what Steve meant by it. But would be damned if he was going to admit. “I don’t know punk.” He said sarcastically. “You’re so smart enlighten me.”

“Alright.” Steve said with a sigh. “You getting defensive and angry whenever I ask a simple damn question or show the slightest bit of concern.”

“Wait first you say I’m being cold and now you’re saying I’m getting pissed off?” Bucky asked, not exactly sure why he’d been pushing this fight lately. “Which is it?”

Steve threw his hands in the air for a moment and then grabbed Bucky’s shoulder’s, maybe a little harder than he meant to. “What I mean is that when I try to talk to you, you give me goddamn frostbite.” He explained, looking in his eyes. Bucky stared back taking it in again. “And once I get you talking you get defensive like this and I don’t what the fuck to do okay?” He loosened his grip slightly on his shoulders, pressing his lips together for a moment. “It’s been like this since you got back from the hospital.”

Like he’d told Amelia it had been like that. Coupled with Steve’s hovering and sterness over the care he’d needed had created a tension filled atmosphere. He was shutting him out he knew and scratched and clawed when he got too close and Bucky was well aware of this behavior. It raised the guilt level in him, and he didn’t need any more of that.

He felt Steve’s hand slide up in his hair a little, something he hadn’t done in a while and Bucky felt the edge fall off a bit. “I know that what’s happening in your head has been rough on you.” He said softly, his fingers applying gentle pressure. “Just pull the claws back okay?”

Bucky did his best to do just that, letting the feel of Steve’s hand in his hair calm and cool the burn under his skin that came when he was like this. He was finally letting him close enough to do it now and his body loosened some of its tension for the first time in over a week.

“I’m sorry.” He said after a minute of silence. “I’m being an asshole lately and you shouldn’t have to deal with that.”

Steve squeezed his shoulders softly with his other hand. “It’s okay Buck.” He said just as softly. “I understand.”

“It’s not okay Steve.” He replied, lifting his hands to Steve’s face. “It’s not.”

He laid his head against Steve’s, feeling his arms wrap around him. He wanted nothing more than to make it up to him in some way. To drop the ice wall and defensiveness and just let himself be vulnerable again. To acknowledge the hurt and pain he was feeling. And the pain he knew he’d been causing Steve for so long.

“Just talk to me Buck.” Steve whispered to him, his hand sliding into Bucky’s hair softly. “Let me in again.” His lips brushed Bucky’s gently. “Please.”

It was that please that just about undid him. A week and a half of locking himself up came unglued again. Knowing he’d scared the shit out of him and then shut down afterward instead of dealing with the guilt and fallout from it all. The idea that he’d hurt him again, the one person he’d never wanted to hurt, was killing him now.

“I can see it all Steve.” He confessed finally, in a lucid state now. “Everything I did.. everything that was done to me.. to him. And it hurts..” He tried to hold back the emotion, but he couldn’t. “It hurts so much and I just.. I can’t.”

The hand that was in his hair stroked it and then seemed to get a soft, solid grip. “I know it does Buck.” Steve whispered to him, nuzzling his face with his own. “I know.”

“I feel like I.. I killed him in some way.” He admitted, taking a shuddering sigh. “The Winter Soldier. Sacrificed him to make myself feel better.” He squeezed his eyes shut and grabbed Steve’s shirt a little tighter. “It sounds crazy I know.. because he’s me but.. Steve he felt real.. that place felt real and I’m afraid that  I really am crazy. That it finally happened, that I just snapped and this is a dream and I’m still in there..”

Confessing that fear freeing, even if it sounded nuts, even unhinged. He had, in a way, lived in a strange denial of that too, not wanting to admit, even to himself that he felt this way. Because once again he feared it could make it real. He gripped onto Steve’s shirt, feeling a bit unsteady again.

“You’re not in there you got out.” Steve told him, their faces close together. “This is real I promise.”

“I’m crazy Steve.” He said, squeezing his eyes shut. “I gotta be.”

“You’re not crazy.” Steve whispered to him, his lips nuzzling his softly. “You’re justd different that’s all.” His other hand, the one not in Bucky’s hair, pulled him closer to him. “And I love you so damn much.”

Their lips met in a soft, loving kiss, Bucky letting his arms wrap fully around Steve’s back. Feeling the emotions of those words, those accepting words, telling him that it didn’t matter. That he loved him no matter how broken he still felt at the moment. No matter how distant he’d been lately. Nothing had changed here. And Bucky felt the urgency in himself, just wanting to reconnect with that. To let himself feel it again. To let the Winter Soldier in him feel it too now that they were one again.

He wanted to be loved and touched again. It had felt like a long time since they’d last connected that way.

“I love you too punk.” He whispered against his lips, feeling tears stinging his eyes again. “I love you so damn much.”

He felt Steve lift him in his arms, and though he loved that so much. The sense of being lifted off the ground. That he was strong enough to do that now. To carry him in so many different ways. He pulled his lips away again and just stared down at him, his arms around his neck, legs wrapped around his hips.

“Let’s go to be.” Steve suggested, his hands wrapped around Bucky’s thighs. “And just stay there for a while.”

“Yeah.” Bucky answered, brushing his lips on his again. “Lets do that.”

\--

It had been a while since they’d been intimate like this. Bucky had been healing and needed space and time to process and Steve had given as much of that to him as he could. Within reason. He’d still curled up next to him at night and all, allowed himself to be held but there had been a distance for a while.

Not now though. He’d finally let go of the hold he’d had on himself and it was a beautiful sight.

Bucky sat astride him, his knees bent on either side of Steve’s hips staring down at him. His eyes were wide and beautifully open, showing a wholeness and clarity that hadn’t seen since before  the war and only had glimpses of since. His fingers, once set flesh, on set metal, skates over Steve’s shoulder and chest, that dual sensation just adding to the intensity of the moment.  Steve had a one hand full of his hair, holding his eyes to his and the other on the small of Bucky’s sweat glazed back and just took the sight in as he pushed into him.

“My God..” He moaned breathlessly. “You’re so.. goaddamn…  beautiful..”

He saw Bucky smile at that praise, strands of his brown blowing in front of his teal eyes from the soft breeze of the ceiling fan. Felt his fingers flex into his shoulders and thought, hell knew he saw, the Winter Soldier in him. There was a new look in him, like someone experiencing something anew. Like a fresh start and it was quite a stunning sight. Like a phoenix rising out of the ashes and renewing itself.

The Soldier was there, and he was experiencing it fully for the first time and Steve was mesmerized by this.

“Our Steve…” Bucky moaned to him, pushing back harder against him, wanting more. “We do…love him..”

He didn’t know whether that was deliberate on Bucky’s part or whether it just came out in heat of passion, but it didn’t matter. It was a confirmation of sorts.  That he was truly whole, that he’d put  those two parts back together and the end result was the beautiful creature above him. His fingers tangled more in his hair and he gave him more wanting them both to feel it now.

“My Bucky.” He breathed as he pushed up harder into him. “My Soldier..” He stared into his eyes. “I…love..you..”

He watched those teal blue eyes react to that a mere second before they fluttered and then rolled signaling his climax. He heard a deep cry of sheer pleasure and escape those beautiful lips of his, causing him to grip his hair a little tighter in response.  He then pulled him down to his lips, wrapping his arm around his waist and flipped him onto his back. Because he was not done yet.

This was gonna last a while. They had some making up to do.

He slid his hands down and pulled Bucky’s hips against him again and continue to pump into him. He heard a soft whine come from deep inside and smiled against his lips. Felt those metal fingers slide under his hair and grip it, the flesh ones digging into his back. He pulled his lips away to look down at him, thrusting harder against him, wanting to see it happen again, to watch the glorious vision unfold in front of him again.

“Keep those.. eyes.. open gorgeous…” He commanded softly to him in between thrusts. “Let me… see.. again…”

Bucky obeyed that command, seeming turned on by it. His eyes flew open and locked into Steve’s again, his metal fingers gripping his hair tightly, sweet whimpers and thick moans coming out of him. His hair fanned a little on the pillow underneath him, and some it stuck to his flushed face and Steve could not get enough of this sight.

He went on, pushing him further, his hips pushing Bucky’s thighs apart further to go deeper until he was whining deeply in his throat. And finally came again, eyes rolling in that beautiful way, metal fingers gripping Steve’s hair so tight it actually hurt a little. But it pushed him over too and he finally still and let himself go too in a flood of pleasure and love.

He felt Bucky pull his lips to his in a deep, keeping their bodies, for the moment, tightly locked together. Steve believed in that moment it had never felt as whole or pure as this. It was, in a way, a new start for them both now.

Pulling his lips away he buried his face in Bucky’s shoulder, as if re-familiarizing him with the smell of his post-coital skin. He felt Bucky’s hands on the side of his head, once again that dual sensation of flesh and metal and then felt his lips on his forehead, kissing it softly as Steve still lay there between his legs. It lingered for a while and Steve ran his hands reverently up and down first Bucky’s waist, then hips, then thighs, his face nuzzling and making soft marks in his neck. It was a perfect moment and he wanted to stay in for a moment.

“I missed this.” He heard Bucky say into his hair, his face still buried in it. “I missed us..”

“Me too.” Steve whispered against his neck. “Felt like forever.”

“It kinda was.” Bucky seemed to muse, wrapping his arms around Steve’s head. “I’m sorry..”

Steve lifted his head and slid up a little. “For what?”

“Felt like I was.. holding out on you or something.” Bucky replied, his fingers playing in Steve’s hair again. “Shutting you out again.”

“You were just working through it.” Steve told him, letting his hands do that soft caress up and down his body again, causing those dark lashes to flutter beautifully. “I understand.”

“And I was definitely being an ass too.” Bucky added, smiling sheepishly nuzzling his face against  Steve’s. “I’m really sorry about that.”

“You’re forgiven jerk.” Steve whispered to him, brushing their lips together. “Besides I’m kinda used to that.”

Bucky smiled against his lips. “You’re such a punk.” He whispered as they kissed languidly. “Whatever am I going to do with you?”

“I can think of a lot of things actually.” Steve mused in between kisses.

Bucky seemed to get serious for a moment then, his hands on Steve’s face. “I want you to go to those meetings okay?” He asked, biting his lip. “I mean it.. I’ve hurt you a bit and you need to deal with that with that.”

“You didn’t hurt me.” Steve replied, trying to reassure him. “It’s okay.”

“Steve I did..” He told him adamantly. “You may not realize it but I did.. I put you through a lot the last couple of years and… just promise me you’ll deal with it please?”

He didn’t want to acknowledge that too much, didn’t want to make Bucky but he was very self-aware not, maybe much more than Steve was. That it had had an effect on him to deal with it with on a daily basis since the moment he’d found him alive. All the feelings and stress of it and he knew Bucky was right, he needed to deal with it more. To realize that they were both victimized by what had happened.

“Okay Buck I will.” He said softly to him, running his hands over his hips as if to reassure him. “I’ll look into it.”

Bucky smiled and kissed Steve’s head again as they still lay there like that, so soft and intimate. “Good.” He heard him say into his hair. “Cause I promised your mom I’d look after your stubborn ass.” He pulled his head back up and kissed him on this lips this time. “It goes both ways punk..”

They continued to kiss and touch for a few more minutes before Steve finally slid his weight off him and turned them both on their sides so they could lay there face to face. Bucky lay with his flesh arm wrapped around the pillow under his head, his metal one loosely draped over Steve’s waist and, looking content at the moment. Completely open.

“If you want to ask me you can.” He said to Steve after a while. “About anything..” He bit his lips softly, almost sweetly, like a shy child and Steve thought it was just adorable. “I don’t want to hold back on anything anymore. I.. I gotta stop hiding..”

Steve knew this wasn’t easy for him. That even though he’d told him a lot, it wasn’t close to what he continued to hold inside. What he continued to protect. It was a habit that he’d developed to hide things in his mind because it had been so manipulated for so long that even at this point, he’d still hidden it. But it was offering it now. Offering full disclosure if he asked, and Steve knew this was a big responsibility to have. That he’d have to be careful with it.

“Bucky I’ve got no demands.” He said softly, his hand doing a slow circle on his hip. “You can tell me whatever you want when you’re ready to alright?”

Bucky seemed to nod and scootched a little closer to him, letting his head rest against Steve’s. He clearly wanted to tell him something. And was trying to get the nerve up to do it. To let the floodgates open and just confess. But it always it took him a while to get started.

Before he finally starting talking it occurred to Steve that they had some of their most open conversations just like this. In the soft naked intimacy after. When there was nothing between them but the air and their own personal walsl. Which never seemed to stand a chance in the face of each other. So he wrapped his around Bucky’s back and just waited for him to open the gate again.

“I wanna tell you about what happened..” Bucky said in a quiet voice, lifting his head to look in his eyes. “When I was asleep.”

\--

It had felt good to get it out. To share this because he hadn’t even told Amelia a lot of the details. He would someday, to get into the deeper meanings of it but for now, telling Steve seemed right. Confessing the deep conversations he had in his own head, the influx of terrible memories of crimes he would’ve rather have forgotten.

Talking about the fuzzy memory of facing down the monster in his head. How he’d felt freed in a way by it, but was feeling the pain freshly now. Just like the rest of it. That even though he’d closed the fracture, that he put his head back together.  Had forgiven and accepted the Winter Soldier as part of him, the wound still hurt. Still felt fresh and tender and it was why he didn’t want him to get to close for a while.

He had mentioned this to Amelia, asking why if it was better now, why it hurt so much. And her explanation had given him some thought.

“It hurts that much because it’s really healing now.” She told him softly. “Because you’re finally really feeling it, and it always hurts worst then. “ He remembered how she’d put her hand on his like the always did. “But it will heal now and yes it’ll leave a scar but, that just to remind you that you suruvived.”

He knew she had been right, that he’d ripped the scabs off and was feeling the raw nerves that was real pain. And it was the reason why he’d pulled back from Steve for a time. He was, in many respects, like an injured animal that just wanted to be left alone until the sensitivity went away.

And there was the Winter Soldier thing too. That guilt he felt inside over him. As if he’d killed that part of himself after treating it so badly for so long. It had made him feel cruel and selfish sometimes. Even though he knew he’d given that part of him the greatest gift ever.  A chance to live in the light for once. And he could feel him in there now, enjoying the new feelings. And he was feeling new things too as a result. Experiencing things as if for the first time.  

Like earlier when they were making love. It felt different. Almost brand new and he was starting to realize why now.

But he still felt bad about it and said so. “I know I had to do it but.” He told Steve, lowering his eyes. “But I still feel like I added another name to that list of.. of victims.”

“He was never supposed to be separate from you.” Steve said to him, stroking his hair softly. “They tore him away from you and hurt you both.” He kissed his head softly. “But now you’re both getting better.” He smiled, holding his face. “Together.”

Bucky knew that was true too. Now that they were together they were stronger. They could both heal together. He realized that in a lot of ways his recovery had been blocked by the separation, keeping the force of the memories from coming in and being dealt with. His mind had done it to protect him from the full weight of the pain until he was strong enough to face it all. He still wasn’t sure he was though. He was still a little afraid to confront it. But he’d learned being afraid didn’t make you weak. It just made you human.

“Don’t be afraid of the pain when it comes.” Amelia had told him as well. “It’s means you’re out of the cave and you’re getting better.”

So he laid in Steve’s arms and let himself feel it again. Just continuing to open up to him more. Knowing he was safe there. That he always would be.

“It’s just.. all those things in my head.. it makes me feel crazy because it felt so real.” He confessed, his head laying against Steve’s. “And all I can think is.. what if this happens again? What if my damn head gets another short circuit and I end up in Oz or something?” He chuckled hollowly. “What if I go cray again?”

He felt Steve’s hands on his face, his sky-blue eyes looking in his intently. “That’s not gonna happen Buck.” He said softly but adamantly. “And even if it does.. you know how to fight it this time.. because you’re strong.” He nuzzled his lips against Bucky’s face softly. “And I’ll be here fighting right beside you.”

Bucky tucked his head under Steve’s chin, not feeling particularly strong at the moment but feeling safe and loved and that was enough.

As he was dozing in his arms, something came to him. Came into his head like a revelation. _Remember.._ the voice of the Winter Soldier said in his head said with its usual firmness. _He told us about the house.._

Bucky woke up, feeling it flood his head. The memory of that abandoned house. He remembered how hurt he’d been, how confused. Angry at Steve but it had just been an outlet for his pain. Remembering the way Steve had been patient then, just like he was now. How he’d calmed him, comforted him. How he’d taken care of him.

That they’d made love on the old bed, under the light of the kerosene lamp and how he’d felt safe and protected. If only for a brief period of time. That Steve had been responsible for all his safe places. _Steve is safe.._ the Soldier spoke again in his head like a whisper.

He got up, extracting himself from Steve, needing to go to the art room. Arya, who had crawled in there a some point, looked at him curiously and he smiled at her, giving her a pet on the head. He grabbed some clothes and put them on. Just a pair of shorts and a t-shirt when he heard Steve’s voice.

“Where you going?” He asked tiredly. “You need to sleep.”

Bucky slid back over to him, straddling him for the moment and put his hands on his face. “I know and I will but.. I need to paint.” He told him, letting his thumbs graze his face. “I just need to.”

He saw Steve smile, letting his hands rest on Bucky’s hips for a moment. “Okay.” He replied without any argument, which surprised Bucky but really shouldn’t have. “Do what you need to do.”

Bucky gave him a quick kiss and hopped off him, trotting off to the art room and threw the cover off the unfinished painting. He found the orange and the grey and worked the shadows in the window a little, realizing their position wasn’t a fight but an embrace. A kiss. He defined it more, turning the orange into a warmer glow. And then he added color to the sky as well. Showing the lights in the distance that may have been the lights of weaponry, but that it didn’t touch what was happening inside.

He sat back and looked at it, biting his lip in happiness. Like the painting with Steve this felt like another safe place. “Thanks.” He said out loud, looking up at the painting of the Winter Soldier as if talking to it. Knowing it sound nuts but it was okay. “For reminding me.”

He felt a furry little body at his feet, rubbing against his legs. And then felt a familiar set of arms wrap around his waist and kiss the back of his neck. Instead of shirking this time he smiled and let his paint stained fingers entwined with Steve’s..

“I finished it.” He said to him, leaning back in his arms. “I remembered.” He turned slightly in the chair to look at Steve. “I was safe there.”

One of those strong hands, hands he trusted, went to his face turning him more. “Yes you were.” Steve whispered to him. “And you always will be.”

Bucky smiled, turning completely in his arms and kissing him again, smearing paint on his shirt as he gripped it. Neither of them caring in the moment. And he heard the Soldier, clear as day in his head and always would be _we love Steve.. Steve is safe.._

And Bucky had no choice but to agree.

\--

At the end of August, right before Labor Day, they received some good news. Something that opened up a whole angle for Bucky. For which Steve was profoundly grateful.

He had been medically cleared to get his license back.

Steve had seen the look on his face when Pam told him this during yet another follow-up. He’d had them every week since his incident and things had looked up each time. According their tests and observations he’d gone a whole month without a daytime seizure. He’d been monitored remotely. Tony’s tiny sensors had picked up nothing during the day and only a few small blips at night while he was sleeping.

It was the best news possible. That the physical end of it was healed to that point.

Bucky had, of course passed road the test for the motorcycle license with flying colors. On the first damn try too. He’d try for the car license too but for now this was enough for him. And Steve wanted to celebrate by doing exactly what he intended to do when his happened. He just hadn’t told him he was going to do it.

The day after, after a night of celebrating that had caused the love of his life to sleep later than usual, Steve had had the item brought to the house and parked in the garage to surprise him with. When he finally awoke and arrived in the kitchen with his hair a mess and his eyes bleary, looking like the most beautifully unkempt thing Steve had ever seen, he had coffee and a smile waiting for him.

“What the hell are you so happy about punk?” Bucky asked, his Grumpy Cat mug reflecting his mood. “It’s too fucking early for thiat.”

“Nothing.” Steve said coyly, brushing some of his hair back from his eyes. “Just happy to see my grumpy boo bear is finally awake.”

Bucky gave him a cross look as he finished his coffee. “You’re such a cornball.”

“Hey, I can’t help it you just bring it out of me jerk.” He replied, wrapping his hand around the back of Bucky’s head and giving him a kiss. “And you know you love it.”

“Unfortunately, yes.” Bucky said, shaking his head before returning to his coffee. “If that’s not a sign of being nuts I don’t know what is.”

He hated when he called himself that, but he didn’t correct him because he knew he was just using it in joke terms. The truth is he was doing well. Was attacking his PTSD from a whole new angle now that his head was back together, and it seemed like he was making real progress there too. His nightmares weren’t as frequent, and much more manageable. Steve knew he’d never be free of that completely, but he was sleeping better now and that was good.

“Hey finish your breakfast sourpuss and get yourself a shower.” He told him, getting up and kissing his head, causing Bucky to scrunch his nose cutely. “I got a surprise you for you.”

Bucky raised his eyebrows, a little intrigued apparently. “Is that so punk?” He asked and stuffed the rest of his toast in his mouth. “Another present?” He chuckled a little. “I’m getting spoiled here.”

Steve walked over to him and put his hands of his face and kissed him again. “You deserved to be spoiled jerk.” He whispered against his lips. “So get used to it.”

He let Bucky get cleaned up and take a shower, loving the sight of him emerging from the bedroom, hair still wet, wearing form fitting black t-shirt and very well fitting pair of jeans. With his dog tags hanging out of his shirt and his damp hair l tied he looked delicious. Steve almost got distracted from the matter at hand.

“So Rogers..” Bucky said, sliding his arms around Steve’s waist teasingly. “Wanna pick your tongue up off the floor and show me what this big surprise is.”

He was thinking there were all kinds of things he’d like to do with his tongue right now. “Yeah..” He answered, his hand wrapping around Bucky’s damp ponytail. “In a minute.”

He kissed him solidly, just unable to resist. Bucky smiled against his lips and let his hands slide into the back pockets of Steve’s jeans and squeeze his ass a little as their tongues wrestled softly together. Steve growled a little, gripping his hair tighter. Sorely tempted to just put him right down on the kitchen table and test its durability. But he very painfully resisted that urge. But kept it mind for later in case the opportunity presented itself.

“So…” Bucky said as he finally pulled back, although not leaving Steve’s arms right away. “Where is this surprise of yours?”

Steve smiled and took his hand, his head finally clearing. “In the garage.”

He pulled him out said garage and opened the door, letting Bucky walk. “I swear to God if this is one of these stupid Halloween decorations I’m gona-“

But he didn’t finish the sentence as he took in what was there. They had a good sized garage. Big enough for not only Steve’s truck but his bike as well. And now there was a second bike there. It was a Dark red Apache, just like Bucky had been admiring in a catalog not long ago, when the possibility of getting his license had started to look like a reality. And the look on his face was well worth the cost to ger it made custom like this.

He watched as Bucky circled it, running his hand over the seat, the mirrors and  the handlebars. Even crouched to look at the tires in awe. He looked up at Steve and he swore he saw not only gratitude but a real raw emotion on his face. Like a new sense of freedom.

“Figured now that you’re street legal and all.” He said, standing in the doorway with his arms crossed. “You should have one of your own.”

Bucky then smiled the broadest smile he’d done in a long time. It was truly beautiful, lighting up his whole face. “I don’t have the words.” He said, standing up, his hand resting on the handlebar. “I really don’t.”

Steve tossed him the keys to it, which he caught deftly. He never missed. “Feel like taking it for a ride?” He suggested to him. “You got a full tank of gas.”

“Oh hell yeah punk.” Bucky replied, grinning even more now. “And this time you ride in the back.”

Steve walked over to him, grabbing their helmets as he did and whispered in Bucky’s ear. “I like being in the back jerk.”

Bucky took the helmet from him, a saucy smile on his face. “I like you there too.” He shot back. “It’s a perfect fit.”

Steve watched as Bucky swung one jean clad leg over the bike and sat down comfortably on it as if he was made for it. The sight of him was just delectable and Steve had a notion they wouldn’t make it back home without a pit stop. Smiling to himself, he put his helmet on as well and slid in behind him, resting his hands on his hips.

“You better watch yourself Rogers.” Bucky called back before starting up the bike. “I do have to concentrate and all.”

“Yeah but..” Steve said as the engine roared to life. “What a way to die.”

Bucky had said that to him a long time ago and he had to agree with the sentiment. Although neither one of them had any plans to die anytime soon. 

Bucky backed the bike out of the driveway expertly and then used the remote to close the door. As they sat there for just a moment Bucky spoke one more time with his visor open. “You might want to really hold on Captain.” He suggested, kicking up the kickstand again. “Cause I got some gunk to burn off.”

They could go too fast under they got out of the Brooklyn and over the Bridge. And past that infamous Manhattan traffic. It was the beginning of Labor Day weekend and a lot of people were heading out of town for their last summer hurrah, but Bucky was not deterred by this at all. In fact, was very patient. It was they crossed the Narrows Bridge over the Hudson and hit open highway that Bucky really stretched out the bike and Steve just held on for the ride.

He had great hand eye control and knew how to maneuver through traffic effortlessly until they could find a rural highway. The road they usually took to Clint’s farm was a perfect one, wide and open through steadily increasing hills. There was less traffic there.

Steve watched over Bucky’s shoulder as he blew down this road, hitting the curves perfectly ad a good rate of speed. It was fast but never felt dangerous because Bucky was just so good at the turns that it was smooth. Steve wrapped his hands around his waist and gave his life and control over to Bucky, trusting completely not to crash them. He wished he could see his face, his eyes right now, his sense of freedom and control that he’d finally gotten back. He caught glimpses every so often and saw pure happiness.

The farmlands passed them by fast as they hit a higher rate of speed, Bucky’s hair flying out from under his helmet and occasionally whipping Steve’s exposed face, because he didn’t care for the shield and neither did Bucky, preferring the crisp wind on their faces.

Finally Bucky found a nice open area to take a breather and did a spin-o-rama on the back wheel of the bike, kicking up dirt before finally stopping. He kicked the kickstand down a removed his helmet, shaking his hair loose as Steve took his own helmet off and he finally got a look at him.

His face was all flushed from the cool air and his eyes were bright and lively. He looked so perfectly aired out with his wind-blown hair settling around his face. “Damn.” He said a little breathlessly. “Forgot what that was like..” He turned slightly to smile at Steve. “What a rush.”

“Uh huh.” Steve replied, still drinking in the image. “Sure was.”

Bucky then deftly turned himself around and practically climbed on to Steve’s lap, grabbing his shirt and kissing him passionately right there. Steve dug both his hands into that mussed up hair and returned it, crushing their lips together even more. His adrenaline was up, blood pumping, just so turned on he just wanted to yank down those jeans and do him right there, decorum be damned. And judging by Bucky’s feverish touching he wanted the same damn thing. It was crazy but felt completely normal at the same time. Thinking, when he could think, that that defined their relationship.

It felt insane but right at the same time.

“Turn around..” Steve softly commanded and Bucky pulled his lips away and did just that.

With Bucky’s hands on the handlebars he undid the jeans and slid them down just enough, sliding his fingers in and opening him up a little. He heard Bucky whine slightly in needy want. It was music to his ears to hear.

“You want me right here?” He growled in his ear. “Say it..”

He felt Bucky lean back a little against him as he stroked him. “Yes.” He moaned, his eyes fluttering. “Please.”

He would always ask, not just out of respect for his lover but he wanted to hear him say it with that need in his voice. And the idea of this. Of doing it on the bike out here on a country road after such an adrenaline rush was clearly perfectly fine with Bucky too. He was always up for anything and neither of them felt any need to be apologetic for that anymore.

Bucky’s hands gripped the handlebars and Steve’s gripped his hips and soon he was rocking inside of him, chewing on his neck and whispering in his ear. The bike was sturdy and balanced and held their weight perfectly.

It was a new, beautiful experience and a new beautiful memory made for them both. So freeing in a way, expressing their love and desire so openly without fear anymore.

When they were done, their ragged breathing the only sound other than the sound of the crickets starting up, Bucky finally let go of the handlebars and leaned back against Steve again. He turned his head and Steve kissed him softly, his hand wrapped around his neck gently as he did so.

“Thank you.” Bucky whispered softly as their lips pulled apart, his half-lidded eyes reflecting the sunset in them.

“What for?” Steve asked, his other hand pressing into Bucky’s stomach through his t-shirt. “What did I do?”

“That’s a stupid question punk.” Bucky said with amusement. “Even for you.”

Steve chuckled, feeling Bucky adjust himself and pull his jeans up a little before turning around again and climbing back into Steve’s lap as the sun went completely down behind him. It was quite the lovely sight as well he had to admit.  His arms draped around Steve’s shoulders and he nuzzled his nose against him.

“Well you are smarter than me jerk.” Steve answered, letting his hands play under the waistband of Bucky’s still undone jeans. “So fill me in.”

Bucky smiled and brushed his lips over his. “Well for starters giving me this bike.” He told him, shifting a little to allow Steve to slide his hands into his jeans a little more. “And then for ravishing me on it like you just did..”

“Well both of those things are gifts Buck.. He replied, lifting one of this hands to brush some of his hair from his face. “You don’t have to thank me for that.”

“But I do.” Bucky replied leaning his forehead against Steve’s. “Because of the other thing you gave me as well.”

“And what’s that?”

“Freedom.” Bucky said simply, turning his face to brush their lips together again. “That’s what you really gave me.” Their lips met again softly. “And I love you for that.”

Steve let his hand snake into Bucky’s hair again and kissed him again. Something he knew he’d never get tired of. And he was glad, his heart filling with the knowledge that Bucky knew exactly what this bike meant, what it represented. Freedom and autonomy. That he was no longer restrained anymore in any way. To cut the strings and let him go, knowing full well he’d come back every time. That he had a home, a place, to come back to every time.

And that he could be himself, whatever that was, whatever that turned out to be in the end. Acceptance.

It was freeing for them both actually. Just another step on the way.

“I love you too Buck.” He whispered against his lips, hand flexing in his beautiful hair. “And you are.. so welcome.”

The sun finally settled below the horizon as they just sat there, loving each other and listening to nothing of the fall crickets coming out around them. They were in no hurry to go home yet because the air was just fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so after the intensity of the last chapter we really got some healing going on now in this one and it was such a interesting one to to write. 
> 
> The fallout from the merging and his 'coma' was obviously going to be rough on Bucky initially, getting used to being whole and having all those memories and just the general feeling was going to take a toll on him. And lets be honest, being unconcious like that is problematic in many ways as well. He did have to go to the hospital, never was or will be a fun experience for him, but it answered some questions and showed his health is actually improving. 
> 
> One of the things i've done in this show that talking is healthy and holding it in isn't and Bucky's therapy sessions always seemed to open him and get him thinking about things, which led the way to finally fully opening up to Steve and just letting things fall where they do. These admissions are important to his process but as you can tell take some time as well. 
> 
> I like the concept of it being almost a clean slate now, like Bucky's starting to experience everything in a new way, with a new perception now that the WS is there with him constantly. One of my readers said that was the part that sort of made the sacrifice worth it in a way because now that part of him gets to experience everything and in those intimate Steve could clearly see that in prominence in him. And Bucky felt it and embraced it. Which I really like. 
> 
> His concern over Steve is legit, people who live with people with mental illness experience all kinds of things and have to live their lives a certain way and Steve is no exception. There are places to go and help available for that and I like the fact that is very self-aware of the harm he's, unintentionally of course, and wants Steve to get more help to deal with that. Because they are victims of it and both need to heal from the experience in order to move forward and that will come to fruitaion in the next chapter. 
> 
> The bike sex, which I hope was enjoyable, was a suggestion by a reader (once again you know who are *winks*) and i didn't go into too much detail with because i figured you all could imagine way better than I could write it lol. It was sort of going along with the theme of freedom, which the bike does provide Bucky and will definitely will be much more prominent in the next chapter as Bucky has a few more things to do. 
> 
> The tittle of that next chapter is called 'Clarity' and it's one i've been looking forward to writing for a while because it's gonna feature some much needed closure for a few things Bucky's been avoiding for a while. It's most likely the penultulate chapter as well as I think i'm near the end (we'll see lol) but yeah so I definitly have a name for it this time. 
> 
> Once again thank you all for the reviews on the last chapter, which was a very emotional one to write and I'm it touched all of you as much as it touched me to write so thank you one again <3<3


	37. Clarity

It was unusual for Bucky to wake up before Steve, but he did today. Didn’t even know what had woken him either. He hadn’t had a nightmare that he could remember and couldn’t recall any kind of noise or anything. He’d just woken up.

He took the rare opportunity to watch him sleep as he laid there, his head on Steve’s shoulder, metal arm draped over him causally. Feeling the slow intake of his breath and heartbeat through his chest. It was very peaceful, with the cat sleeping on their feet and the window open, letting in the cool early Autumn breeze. It was a perfect morning in many respects he supposed, it made him not want to get up at all and just stay here like this.

But he had things to do today. Important things. He still had a little while though, it was early.

Resting his chin on Steve’s chest he let his metal fingers push his shirt up a little so he could get to his skin a little, wanting to nuzzle it, and maybe even do a bit more. He was feeling an urge that he’d been unable to fufill for a while creeping up into him now and taking hold. Had felt the fear that held him back for a while finally starting to slide away from him.

He had talked about this at length in therapy, because nothing was off limits there.

“I’ve been thinking about that lately.” He told Amelia with still a tinge of shyness because he was still kind of old-fashioned in that way. “Like maybe I’m ready I don’t know.” He ran his hands through his hair a little sheepishly. “Steve’s been so patient with me about it.. almost ridiculously so.”

Amelia had smiled at him about that reassuringly. “That’s because he loves you.” She said in her soft voice. “He’s not pushing you into anything you’re not ready to do.”

“Yeah well..” He replied, rubbing his neck and then tapping his fingers together. “I still don’t know why it’s taking so long. I mean I can do lots of others things with him…just.. not that.”

“That’s because it’s a trauma and just like everything else it takes time.” She explained.  “And the nature of it confused because you thought you consented to it, but you didn’t. Because the choice he gave you was never a choice at all.”

He was starting to understand that part and having the Winter Soldier’s memories of it as well, while being painful, were enlightening. The Winter Soldier had understood the context, that it was simply necessary for survival. He had realized that the only choice that he was given was between horrific pain and degradation. That it wasn’t even close to a fair choice. These things had been revelations that taken a while to sink it.

“I know that now I just..” He said and looked down at his hands. “I just wish I knew when I was going to get past it.. feels like I’m overdue.”

“There’s no timetable for these things.” She told him softly. “You’ll know when it’s time. When you understand the difference between what you want to do and what you were forced to do.” She sat forward as if to emphasize this point. “Remember that rape is not about sex, it’s about power and control. That your intimacy with Steve is about giving freely to each other and not about what you have to do for him.”

He was thinking about that session now, as he slid Steve’s shirt up a little a more and pressed his lips into his abdomen, feeing the warmth of his skin against his lips. He felt Steve’s touch his hair softly at first, fingers stroking through it as he woke up.

“You’re up early.” He heard his sleepy filled voice waking up above him. “What are you up to beautiful?”

Bucky smiled against his belly. “No good.”

His fingers snagged in the waistband of Steve’s shorts and pulled on them a little, allowing him to go a little further south. Bucky crouched a little over him, letting his own legs straddle Steve’s as he ran his lips over Steve’s tummy, sucking little marks here and there and pulling his shorts down even more.

“Bucky?” Steve asked, seeming to get where he was going with this. Understanding the magnitude. “Are you sure about this?”

Bucky looked up at him, his fingers still snagged in the waistband of Steve’s shorts. “Yeah.” He said honestly, smiling at him softly before nuzzling his face against his lower stomach. “I am.”

“Because you don’t have to.” Steve said softly, his finger gently brushing his hair. “It’s okay.”

“I want to.” He told him, looking up so he could see his eyes. “I’m not letting that control me anymore.” He nuzzled his stomach again. “I won’t.”

He pulled his shorts the rest of the way down and softly wrapped his metal fingers around his length and began to stroke him. He knew he like that. He’d done this before, just to tease him sometimes. But this was a whole different ballgame with a different end. He heard Steve moan softly and saw his head fall back on the pillow. His hand flexed in Bucky’s hair and God he loved that feeling so much.

“I’m just… saying.. “ Steve breathed as Bucky worked him.  “Don’t feel like you’re.. obligated.”

He did love that Steve doubled and triple checked sometimes. It was freaking adorable. Which stowed any irritation he had with it because he knew it was out of love. It always was.

“Listen punk this isn’t about obligation okay?” He said to him, getting himself in a better position. “It’s about giving back.. about making you feel good..” He nuzzled his thigh with his lips. “Because I love you..” He then took his metal hand away gripping him with his flesh one instead. He had plans for the other one. “So shut your everlasting mouth and enjoy it alright.”

He felt Steve’s hand flex in his hair again, a little tighter this time and had a flash of his hair being yanked as he was pushed back into a cold wall. Of being forced to take it. To perform this act as a sign of obedience. Seeing it for what it was and had always been. A violation of his body and mind, multiple acts of power and control he’d never wanted. That he didn’t choose to do.

Right now he was with the one person he wanted to do these things with. That he wanted to experience everything with. That he was choosing to do it this time.  And once again, like destroying the monster in his mind, the revelation freed him in a new way.

 _Steve is safe.._ the Winter Soldier said in his head in this moment, and it felt beautiful to hear. _Steve doesn’t hurt us and we love him._

With this thought in his head, he flicked his eyes up at Steve and then, for the first time in nearly a year since he’d recalled that horror, he finally able to pleasure him the way he wanted to. Taking him into his mouth, moaning at the feel of it finally. It was nothing like that other. Not even close. He felt Steve’s hand pull on his hair and his lips curved into a satisfied smile. And sliding his metal hand around his thigh he slid them into him as well. He heard Steve grown loudly and that just spurred him on more.

“Shit… Buck..” He heard Steve gasp, which was music to his ears. “Oh my fuck..”

He loved it when he swore. It just turned him on further, causing him to take him in more and fuck him a little more with his fingers, feeling him just writhe under him, and knowing in some way, he was gonna pay for this later. And looked forward to it.

The truth is, he felt freer than ever. The ability to push aside those memories and free himself from their hold was such a liberation. He never knew that doing something as simple as this would have that effect, but it did. He felt a sense of control again and it just a wonderful thing.

So he took his time, making sure he enjoyed every second of it and drew as much pleasure as he could out of Steve. Giving back and expressing himself in a whole new way. And it was perfect.

He finally made him cum hard and Bucky was perfectly will to take that too, enjoying absolutely every second of it, feeling his hair yanked in a delicious way as it happened, taking everything his lover gave because it was always given so freely from both ends.

When he finally released him completely, he slid up a little, resting both his hands on Steve’s hips as he lay between his legs, nuzzling his stomach. Feeling Steve’s hands brushing his hair softly. He felt strangely emotional, but it felt like in a good way. He stayed like that for a while in this most intimate of moments, feeling vulnerable but safe and loved as well.

“I love you.” He whispered against Steve’s stomach. “I love you so damn much.”

He felt Steve gently pull him up and kiss him, his hand buried in Bucky’s hair as he did so. “I love you too.” He breathed against his lips, other arm wrapping around his waist to hold him close.

Pulling hips away, Bucky buried his face in Steve’s neck, letting him hold him tight, feeling all kinds of things at the moment and just wanting to be held. “I don’t want to hold anything back from you every again.” He whispered to him. “I won’t let them control me anymore.”

“They never did Buck.” Steve said softly to him, stroking his hair. “They just made you think they did.”

Bucky nodded into his shoulder, remembering something Wanda had said once when they were out. The profoundness of just hitting him now in this moment.

“You know you’re strong. Powerful.” She’d said, her hand on his arm glowing softly. “It just radiates off you like an aura.” Her other hand touched his head softly with that same glow. “They knew that. It’s why they had to beat you down so much because if you’d known it.. they wouldn’t have been able to control you.” She smiled her warm smile. “You’d have destroyed them.”

He’d known that she’d been right even then, but it had taken a long time to acknowledge it. To admit to being a victim like that. That a lot of the reason they’d hurt him was to keep him from finding out what he could do. From figuring out how strong he really was. And with that understanding now he was able to acknowledge his victimization and start to become able to move past it. To become a survivor instead.

It was a freedom in that that he hadn’t felt in decades.

“Yeah.” He finally responded, lifting his head and leaning it against Steve’s. “The only one who owns me now is you punk.” He smiled, brushing his lips against his. “You always have.”

“Same here jerk.” Steve whispered back. “Same here.” He wrapped his arm tighter around him, pulling him closer. “I’m most definitely yours.”

He was then rolled onto his back and kissed again, wrapping his arms around Steve’s neck and smiling into it. He felt exhilarated, like another weight had dropped off, leaving him lighter than before. It was a good way to start a day he knew might be rough in places. But right now, everything felt good. Perfect.

Steve’s had slid over him and pulled Bucky’s own shorts down to the point where he could just kick them off. The shirt came off as well because Steve seemed to want him completely naked, not that Bucky was complaining mind you. There was that cool autumn breeze through the window on his heated skin, that combined with Steve’s hands lips, sent sweet shivers through his body.

“You know what?” Steve asked, up on one elbow, caressing him with the other hand.

Bucky looked up at him dreamily. “What punk?”

“I I almost forgot how good you were at that.” Steve mused, nuzzling his chin. “Because I am still feeling it now.”

He did notice Steve still seemed to be a bit scrambled after what must’ve been some pretty good head given. It both amused him and gave him pride that he could do that to him as well considering all the ways that Steve had given him such great pleasure. It felt very empowering in a way he couldn’t describe. He just loved the look and committed it memory and wanted to continue seeing it from now on. Because he loved it.

“Really?” Bucky replied, his metal fingers snaking through Steve’s hair. “Cause I think I’m a bit out of practice..” He wrapped his leg teasingly around Steve’s thigh “I may need to hone my craft for you doll.” He smirked. “I like blowing your… mind like that..”

Steve raised his eyebrow at him. “You are evil Sergeant Barnes.”

“Yes I am.” Bucky purred coyly, nibbling his neck feeling playful. “But only for my Captain.”

Steve then seemed to pull back a little, getting serious now. “Are you sure okay?” He asked, lifting one of his hands to brush his hair. “I mean about that?”

He searched himself, considering it and then looked in his eyes steadily. “Yes.” He answered honestly, smiling at him softly. “I meant what I said, I won’t give him that power anymore.” He wrapped his hand tighter around the back of Steve’s head and leaned his forehead against his. “I won’t let that hold me back from what I want to do.. Not anymore.”

Steve gave him a soft look before letting his lips brush Bucky’s. “Good.” He whispered to him, his hands finding Bucky’s hips and pulling them against his own. “Now where we?”

“I think you were just about to.. return the favor.” Bucky answered hooding his eyes, feeling that Steve was, in fact ready to roll again. “Cause it feels like you got a little more for me there Captain.””

The only response he got from that was a growl as his hips were pulled tighter against Steve’s. Pretty soon he was filled up beautifully and lost all coherent thought for a while.  Because Steve was very good at what he did too. Very good indeed.

\--

Steve watched Bucky as he got ready for the day, his hair still damp from the shower as he pulled a dark green long-sleeved shirt on over his tank. It was fitted but loose, Bucky never seemed to like anything too tight he’d noticed as well.

He’d asked him once about this and Bucky had just shrugged. “Everything they put on me was so damn tight.” He’d replied while tying his hair back. “To the point where I almost couldn’t breathe. I guess they just didn’t want me to forget.”

“Forget what?” Steve had asked, thinking might know the answer already.

Bucky had looked down, fixing his shirt. “That I wasn’t free.”

In other words, another way to control him. It made a lot of sense that that would be another way for him to reassert control. “You are now.” He’d relied, tucking that stray strand of hair behind his ear.

That had caused him to smile at that moment. “Yes I am.”

Right now he was thinking he looked pretty good in those types of clothes. Thinking he looked good in those earth tone colors. But hell he looked good in anything really. Or nothing at all, Steve was not picky.

He watched as he adjusted his clothes, pulling the dog tags out of the shirt to lay against his chest. Sometimes he left them under the shirt and other days, like today he pulled them out like that. He watched the way they swung as he pulled his boots on in the kitchen, reflecting the light. And Bucky looked up under his hair at Steve as if noticing him watching him.

“See something you like Rogers?” He teased, giving him a crooked smile before tossing his hair back from those beautiful eyes of his. “Cause I can feel your look.”

“I see a lot of things like.” Steve tossed back, taking a long swig of his coffee. “I mean if you could just see yourself right now.”

Bucky rolled his eyes playfully and went back to tying his boots. Black ones Steve noticed. Sort of similar to the ones he’d worn as the Winter Soldier. Which Steve also had to admit he liked on him. Wondering if Bucky was aware of the similarity there. He supposed he was, part of his mind was and always would be the Winter Soldier and since ‘the episode’ as he like to refer to it, Bucky seemed to have accepted this part of himself and some of his wardrobe seemed to reflect it.

It wasn’t just what he was wearing that had caught his attention though, it was just that sense of wholeness and acceptance. The fact he was moving forward, doing new things and overcoming certain things that had plagued him for so long. Like this morning.

Thinking about this morning and realizing that it wasn’t just that it felt incredible to have those lips encircling him like that again, pleasuring him with enthusiasm, it was the fact that it happened at all. The fact that he had been so traumatized for so long by those awful memories of being forced to do it and that he had finally overcome that. Steve knew it was more than just an intimate act for him, but another victory over his abusers. He felt pride in that too, his pleasure not just selfish but also spurred by joy for Bucky for freeing himself in yet another way.

For when he stopped being a victim and became a survivor instead and that was beautiful for him to see.

“You’re so beautiful.” He told him, unable to help himself, just needing to say it. “You know that?”

Bucky sat back up, his hands dangling between his denim clad knees. “Yeah I know.” He answered, almost as if annoyed by the statement. “You tell me all the time.”

“No I don’t think you do.” Steve corrected, pulling his chair over to him. “You’re stunning.”

Bucky shook his head, his cheeks flushed ever so slightly, almost as if embarrassed. “Wow I guess I am really good at it punk.” He teased in an attempt to cover himself.  “If your heads still scrambled like this hours later.”

Steve reached out and grabbed his head, kissing him soundly, letting his fingers bunch his untied hair in them. Tasting those beautiful lips again and letting their tongues move together softly. Once again thinking of the pleasure he’d been given earlier that mouth, causing him to moan a little into the kisss. He could feel Bucky’s metal hand grip his back through his own shirt and relished the sensation for the moment before finally pulling back from him. He was amused to see that Bucky was the one to look scrambled up now.

“I’m being serious jerk.” He told Bucky almost sternly. “Take the damn compliment.”

Bucky’s teal blue shone with a slightly glazed look. “Yes sir.”

He smiled and leaned over, putting his lips to Bucky’s ear. “And yes I’m still thinking about that even now jerk.” He whispered in it, his hand still tangled in his hair. “Another one of your many talents.”

“Now whose being evil punk?” Bucky asked, his dark lashes hooding his eyes as he sat back with his arms crossed. “Too bad I can’t stay home and.. you know.. practice.”

Steve smiled at that and shook his head. He then got serious and laid his forehead against his. “So when are you meeting him?”

“In an hour.” He replied, taking a deep breath. “Gotta account for traffic and all you know..”

He knew where Bucky was going to today only because he’d asked him for a particular phone number that Bucky himself didn’t have. He knew it would hard for him too. But in a good way.

“Sure you don’t want me to go with you?”

Bucky sighed again. “Not really but..” Bucky said and paused before finishing. “I know I gotta do it myself.” His flesh hand rested on the forearm attached to the hand still in his hair. “I have to.”

Steve nodded, understanding this. His need to take care of these things himself. And he was glad that he’d gotten him the bike so he could do these things. If he wanted or needed to do something, he could without relying on other. He knew it meant a lot to Bucky to have this independence.  To take care of things on his own like this.

“I was just checking.” He said with a little smile, letting his fingers continue to play in his hair comfortingly.

Bucky gave him a grateful look. “You’re going to the meeting today right?” He asked then, giving him a searching look.

“Yeah.” Steve told him reassuringly. “I said I would didn’t I?”

He had finally decided to go to the VA himself to do what Bucky had asked, even though it had taken a month or so. He had promised that as soon as he got Bucky sorted out he would. And now it had finally come up again and Bucky had really put his foot down this time. Threatening to physically drag him there if he had to. It had been that important to him.

“Dammit Steve we’ve talked about this.” He remembered Bucky insisting to him, standing there with his hands on his hips like he usually did when he was being stubborn and mule-headed about something. “I’ve been putting you through shit whether I meant to or not and I want you do this for me please?”

And at that time he’d known no attempt to argue with him was going to change his mind. Bucky had a bee under his bonnet about this. It had reminded Steve of the way he’d been before, adamantly trying to protect him from things as mundane as picking fights with bigger kids or as big as trying to forge his way into a war. Some things didn’t change, and this was one of them. So he’d agreed to do it.

“Yeah you did.” Bucky replied, letting those metal fingers flex on his shirt. “But if I find out you skipped out, and I will find out trust me, that you skipped out.” He gave him a serious look. “You’ll be in a heap of trouble.”

“Okay.” Steve replied and added. “I wouldn’t want to upset my boo bear.”

Bucky feigned irritation at this. “Damn straight punk.” He said and pulled him closer. “Cause boo bear will kick your ass.”

Steve just grinned and kissed him again, unable to help himself. Wishing they could just stay there all day but they both had things to do. Important things. So he very reluctantly let him go. And Bucky looked reluctant too, for a variety of reasons.

He watched as Bucky threw a faded denim jacket on, looking like a damn denim and grabbed his keys and sunglasses, putting them up over his still untied hair. He didn’t tie it back when he rode the bike because he said it was uncomfortable under the helmet.

“You better get out of this house before I call everything off hot stuff.” He told Bucky who had stopped to give Arya some love. “I’m sorely tempted.”

Bucky of course, could not resist teasing him a little, still bent over petting Arya. “You have to learn to control your urges big guy.” He said with a big helping of sauciness as he wiggled his gorgeous ass at Steve. “At least for a few hours.”

He then stood up and tossed his hair in a flirty way before opening the garage door, looking back at him with those hooded blue eyes and an ‘I dare you’ look. And it was all Steve  could do not go retrieve him, toss him over his shoulder and teach him a lesson about teasing him like that. But he could wait. It was more fun that way he knew.

Hearing the motorcycle start up in the garage, knowing his ultimate temptation was finally gone, Steve got himself ready for his day as well. But he didn’t have to leave for a few hours. So he went over and picked up Arya, who purred happily and nuzzled against his chest.

“Guess it’s just you and me sweetie.” He cooed to her, looking down at her bright green eyes. “What should we do for now?”

Arya just rubbed her face against as if to say, being petted by her blonde was the perfect way to spend their time and Steve was inclined to agree. So he did just that, sitting down in the recliner and relaxing for a little bit.

\--

Bucky could not believe it was still here. Just like the Cyclone at Coney Island, some things seemed to be eternal. He stared at it for a while, feeling old memories fall in as he did.

The Geosphere stood out against the trees, which were turning those pretty yellows and oranges of the fall. It was one of a few structures that were still here in Queens, remnents of a bygone age. It had been the sight of the World’s Fair in the early 60’s as well as its original incarnation in the World of Tomorrow expo in 1942 and it hadn’t changed, having been well-maintained over the years.

He stood there remembering that day much clearer now than ever before. About pulling Steve away from another fight. Of seeing his disappointment that he was rejected for the Army yet again. Bucky himself had been drafted into it because he had the proper elements needed. He was young, healthy and skilled. Unfortunately for him.

It had meant he would be leaving Steve. Going further away from him than he ever wanted to. And a part of him at the time wasn’t sure he’d ever come back. Which had turned out to be horrifyingly correct in ways he couldn’t imagine.

But at the moment he saw Steve, small and fierce. His favorite ornery punk, looking disappointed as he put his arm around him to lead him away.

_“Where are we going?” Steve had asked him as they left the alley._

_Handing him the flyer Bucky had told him. “The future.”_

He hadn’t realized just how prophetic that was at that time because he was. In the future. Feeling miles away from the still somewhat innocent young man he’d been then. And Steve, Steve had been smaller, full of the angry rebellion of someone who wanted more out of life than the shitty hand it had given them.

They had both been so young then. So naïve even in the hard life they’d lived so far. They’d had no idea what their futures were going to be for either of them.

He had been so lost in that memory that he was startled by the voice that came up next to him as he stood there staring at a reminder of his old life. “So you guys were here huh?” It asked him as it’s owner walked up next to him. “That must’ve been something.”

Bucky turned his head to see Tony, who had a casual hoodie on and dark sunglasses. He felt the tremble in his fingers on sight of him but controlled it as best he could. He’d bene better at that lately when it came to stressors. He supposed he’d never be cured of it completely, but it had gotten better.

“Yeah it was.” He said, hoping his voice didn’t sound too shaky. “Howard had a flying car.” He let himself smile a little at the memory of that. “It only flew for a few seconds.”

Even Tony looked amused at that. “Yeah I still can’t figure that one out.” He mused, his hands in his pockets looking at the Geosphere like Bucky. “Can fly my damn ass into the stratosphere in that suit, but can’t get a car to lift off the ground go figure.”

It was like a small talk, an ice breaker and Bucky was grateful for it. It kept back the terrible memories that he was here to deal with and address. That they both were here to do. But he was at least glad for this little conversation, it eased the tension just a little.

“He had all kinds of neat stuff.” Bucky added, remembering all the cool things Howard was showing off. “I remembered reading about it and.. admiring him.”

And 50 years later he’d kill him, the masochistic part of him couldn’t help but remind him. That knowledge had always grayed that particular memory, tainting it with blood and sound of bones breaking. He blinked it back for the moment, trying to contain and steady himself. Tony must’ve seen it, judging by his next words.

“How about we sit down?” He suggested, motioning to a bench.

Bucky nodded and they went and sat, he himself leaning forward with his hands folded together between his legs. He was still having a hard time looking at him just yet. But when he did he noticed Tony had a couple of coffees in his hand and handed one to him.

“Rogers told me how you liked it.” He informed him as Bucky took it. “Figured you could use one.”

“Thanks.” He said, sincerely meaning it.

He saw Tony look at him, as if studying him. “So how are you?”

Bucky bit his lip and looked down for a moment, as if deciding how honest he wanted to be here. Amelia had told him honesty was the best way to go when asked questions like this. Even in this situation.

“Better than I was.” He admitted. “I mean its been rough but.. I’m getting there.”

“That’s good.” Tony answered, looking forward. “Believe it or not I know what’s like to fight your own mind, maybe not to the degree you do but.. mine’s kicked my ass on more than one occasion.” He paused for a moment and then turned him. “It’s the guilt that’s killer.. it just.. eats at you.”

There didn’t seem to be anger in this statement and it didn’t feel like he was saying to hurt him. It felt like empathy and coming from this man Bucky was not sure what to do with that. There had been so much anger, and rightfully so, coming out of him in Siberia and now it was like he had changed the tune. Almost like he was trying to ease open the dialogue in a way that wasn’t threatening, and Bucky found himself being very grateful for that tact.

“I wasn’t always grateful for what I had, all I did was complain about the way he, my father treated me.” He went on to explain. “I bitched a lot and spewed a lot of sarcasm and figured I’d always have time to apologize but.. I need did.” He seemed to stare forward again and Bucky looked over at him, surprised at the level of candidness here. “I treated them badly like the ungrateful brat I was the day they drove off and maybe that has been driving me ever since. That guilt and regret.”

Bucky nodded, thinking of his own parents at that moment. Thinking of how he hadn’t gotten a chance even say goodbye to them. To his sisters. They were all gone and the chance to say goodbye, to have that closure was gone. It had made him angry and sad. And guilty as well. Because he still hadn’t gone to see them yet and didn’t know why.

“We all got that.” He said quietly. “We all wish we’d… done things differently.”

Tony looked at him, looking unsure. There seemed to be a question he wanted to ask, but wasn’t sure how to do it. Bucky had a feeling he knew what the question was too. But he waited him out to ask it.

“Why were they targeted?” Tony asked finally, looking intently at him, needing this answer.

Bucky had retrieved the full memory recently, piecing it together with what he’d told Steve and Sam in Berlin. Figuring out how the deaths of the Starks connected to it was only a recent memory connection. And the truth was that only a few people knew that they hadn’t died in an accident. And strangely Tony had felt no need to correct their cause of death, to add them to Bucky’s publicly known body count. Hell there was a video of it, it could’ve been used as evidence but none of it had even been made public. It was a question he wanted to ask, how even after all this time Tony had never even tried to pursue that action him. There was no statute of limitations on murder after all.

But right now, he needed to answer Tony’s question. He of all people had the right to know the truth.

“He had serums.” Bucky finally answered, looking down at his hands. “I was supposed to retrieve them for them so they could.. make more soldiers.” He swallowed hard at this knowledge. “Better ones I guess.”

Tony seemed hardly surprised that his father would have something like that, like something had clicked in his head. “All that stuff you did for them.. and they wanted better ones?” He asked, some kind of understanding dawning here. “Why?”

Bucky knew why, he’d figured it out by memory and reading up on Hydra files. They wanted to create ones that were more loyal, that required less work. Apparently torture and brainwashing was a lot of  time-consuming work to just to keep an asset in line. It had made him angry in the same way the suicide protocol had. Like they were just going to through him away after basically taking his life away to use him like that.

“I was.. a lot of work to maintain I guess.”

“So they sent you to retrieve the method they were gonna use to replace you.” Tony seemed to muse and Bucky swore he heard disgust in his voice. “I’m sure you appreciate the irony in that.”

“Yeah.” Bucky said a little bitterly himself. “I see a lot of things I didn’t see then.”  

“And that’s why he died.” Tony said with an unreadable expression on his face. “What about her?”

Bucky felt pain at this. Maria Stark was tough for him to deal with still. That killing had affected him more than any others because, even though they were all pointless and brutal to him, hers was even more so. And because she made him think of his own mother, dead in a car accident decades ago as well. She hadn’t deserved any of it, she’d just.. been there. In the wrong place at the wrong time.

“Because…. She was there.” He answered, trying to keep his voice even and failing. “I wasn’t supposed to.. leave any witnesses..” He felt a single tear come out of his eyes, he couldn’t control it. “They made that very clear on that.. and that it.. had to look like an accident..”

“So they couldn’t trace it back to them.” Tony said with a deeper hint of anger. “Dress it up like a nice little play just to keep their hands clean.”

Bucky barely heard it, he was still caught up in the memory of it. Of the feel and sound of her neck breaking under his hand. _No witnesses_ that had said with an air of menace he now recalled. In the Winter Soldiers lovely stash of memories. They had cared as much about the collateral damage about as much as the main targets. Which was not at all, a means to end. And just when he was starting to think of himself as a monster again, he was realizing that the tears in his eyes proved that he wasn’t. That someone had cared. He had.

Another thing Amelia had told him. “You feel the guilt and they don’t. What does that tell you? It tells you that unlike them, you’re human.”

He looked at Tony, trying to convey this feeling, trying to find a way to say he was sorry, thinking there were no real words to describe it. To undo the damage in any way that radiated out from the pain they’d inflicted on him. To do their damn dirty work for them so that their hands were clean. It made him angry in whole new way now. This clarity of mind had made him see everything better now. But he still had to say it just the same. To get it out properly. Expose it like everything else to the light so the wound could heal for both of them.

“I’m sorry.” He finally spit out, his voice choked with emotion he was desperately trying to contain. “I’m so sorry.”

Tony was silent for a moment, taking in the emotion himself. Looking like he was holding back his own. Bucky wasn’t sure it was good enough, that it covered how he felt. Or made up for anything because he didn’t think anything could really. It wasn’t as though you could wave a magic wand and make it all disappear and therefore make it better. He’d killed his parents, and it didn’t matter if he had no control over it he’d still done it and he wouldn’t blame him if he never forgave him for it. But Amelia had also told him that getting out that apology was important for him, no matter how he did it or what the result was. He just needed to release the pain he was holding in in order to move on.

But he was surprised by Tony’s answer just the same.

“You’re not to blame.” He said, looking at him. “I knew that even then… I was just too angry to see it.” He folded his own hands together as if recalling the whole hideous incident. “Hydra killed them, you were just were just weapon they used.”

Bucky saw sincerity in his eyes and just couldn’t deal with it, with the empathy behind it. “You had every right to want me dead.”

“No Barnes you were just as much as a victim as them.” Tony countered. “And I just compounded that because I couldn’t handle my own shit.” He looked over at him again. “You didn’t deserve to die for those bastards did.”

Hearing those words, words that many other had said, coming from a person like Tony, who had been directly injured by his actions, had the effect of finally penetrating the armor that he’d built around that thought. The denial for so long that he had been a victim too. That none of the choices were his. It hurt in a way that felt like yet like yet another scab ripped off of freshly healing skin.

The emotion must’ve been clearly visible because Tony seemed to notice this too. “I’m saying that I can forgive you Barnes.” He told him, not even an uncurrent of dishonesty in his voice. “Maybe it’s time to forgive yourself too.”

Bucky looked over him, stunned as if not knowing what to say. He never expected forgiveness. Never though he’d deserved it. He’d come to terms with the things he’d done but in the sense there was nothing he could do to change it. A part of him felt a deserving punishment would be to carry the blame. To remember all of them and carry that because Hydra sure as hell hadn’t cared. The fact maybe he didn’t deserve that weight had never occurred to him.

“I’m.. not sure I deserve that.”

“It’s not about what we think we deserve.” Tony corrected him, standing up. “It’s about justice.. it’s putting the blame where it belongs and I can do that. Can you?”

Bucky nodded, not sure he could. “I can try.”

“I suppose that’s good enough.” Tony said and tapped Bucky on the shoulder in a way that felt almost friendly. “Take care of yourself okay?” He paused as if thinking about it. “And Rogers too cause lord knows he needs it.”

Bucky smiled, knowing if he couldn’t quite take care of himself, he could at least do that. “I’ll do my best.” He responded and then added. “Thanks.”

“Don’t thank me.” Tony said with a grandiose way. “You’re just gonna feed my ego.. just give yourself a break okay?” He stared at him intently. “Learn to let it go.. you’ll walk straighter trust me.”

He left him with that thought, which Bucky turned over in his head as he stared at the Geosphere again. The wind was picking up now and the sky had a slightly threatening look of an autumn storm. Bucky felt the urge to go home and shelter himself from that, but he had somewhere else he had to go now. One more thing he had to do for himself before going home to Steve and his life. To plan a wedding that was approaching quickly. And he wanted to go into that with a clear head.

After finishing his coffee, making sure to deposit it in a trash can because you always cleaned up yourself he had been taught. And went back to his bike to start it up. It would be bitch of drive through Manhattan traffic again but it needed to be done.

He took one more look at the remnants of the old fairground. A place where he’d seen wonderous things and had said goodbye to Steve and the last of his innocence. He had a powerful feeling of renewal here, like he’d come full circle and had some closure. It would take a while to process, but he knew he could now. Knowing that he could be forgiven was given him the strength to move forward and maybe, possibly, finally let it go.

“I guess we really are in the future aren’t we?” He said out loud to no one in particular. Or maybe just to his old self. “Who would’ve believed it.”

Putting his helmet on he started the bike and took off toward Brooklyn again. With one more stop on the way.

\--

Steve sat back after the meeting for a few minutes, letting the information sink in. It had been informative for sure. And enlightening. Sometimes in ways that were uncomfortably close to home. He understood why Bucky was so adamant about him going.

He’d brought a bag with him and was sitting out on the bench outside and had his sketchbook out. It was still somewhat bright out, but the sky was getting an overcast look and the wind was picking up a little. The weather app had said storms later and they were on their way that’s for sure. But it didn’t deter him from doodling a little, something that turned into a full-on drawing.

He’d forgotten how much he’d liked drawing. Liked the feeling of being lost in that haze of creativity. He’d noticed Bucky doing this when he was painting, the way he seemed to forget about everything around him to the point where you could actually sneak up on him and surprise him. Hell sometimes Steve sat there in the art room unnoticed and sketched Bucky as he was painting. A funny and sweet irony that Bucky had commented on once or twice.

“Aren’t we a pair?” He’d mused once he’d come out of his own haze to notice Steve. “Someone could rob the house and the only protection would be the cat.”

Steve remembered shaking his head at that, seeing the cat in the window doing her thing there, tail hanging down as she stared out at the birds on the wire outside the window. Such a beautiful picture of home he’d thought. And then would turn his attention back to Bucky, who just had the long haired, paint smeared artist thing down to a T.

He was Steve’s favorite subject. If Bucky’s attempts to sort out his mind were his muse, then Steve’s was Bucky himself. The way his eyes focused and his tongue sometimes sat between his lips. The way those strands of hair were always getting his face, and the way the paint got on his fingers, just like the charcoal got on Steve’s.

The way he could see him getting better every day. Stronger and more beautiful by the minute.

He was drawing him now actually. The way he’d looked this morning as he’d been putting on his boots. His hair pushed back by his sunglasses, dog tags hanging out of his shirt. Looking up at Steve with those teal blue eyes and a sassy smirk on his face. It was all there in the black and white of the drawing.

“Wow you’re good.” He heard a familiar voice say, causing him to look up and see Sam smiling at him.

“Thanks.” He replied, leaving the drawing open on his lap. “I used to do it a lot when I was younger.” He looked down at the pencil in his hand. “Don’t know why I stopped.”

Sam sat with his hands folded and studied it too. “Maybe you lost your inspiration.” He suggested and smiled back. “Now you got it back.”

Steve looked down at it and smiled himself. “Yeah I guess I did.”

“And maybe it helps you like it helps him.” Sam also observed. “Maybe that’s why too.”

“Yeah I suppose it does.”

So what are you doing here?” Sam asked him finally. “Other than this?”

“I went to meeting.” He told him. “He wanted me to go.” He closed the book and put it down on the bench with his phone on it to keep it from blowing opened. “For people who live with people with PTSD.”

“Did it help?”

“Yeah I think it did.” He admitted. “I was sitting there listening to stories about how unpredictable it was, how stressful.” He leaned over himself, letting his hands hang between his knees. “And how sometimes you feel.. angry at them for some reason.. as if their fault you know?” He looked at Sam earnestly. “It was like I was hearing a playback of my own life over the last year.”

“It’s kinda the point Steve.” Sam told him. “To get insight into it. Because you suffered too.” He put his hand on Steve’s shoulder like a form of support. “He didn’t mean to but he put you through it. And he knows it, it’s why he wanted you to go. Cause you got feelings about it you need to deal with too.”

“I know.” Steve admitted. “I was just so caught up in taking care of him I didn’t think about myself.” He chuckled a little to himself. “Good thing he looks out for me like he always does.”

Admitting  that sometimes he felt frustrated, even angry with Bucky was hard, but he realized, cathartic in a way too. That all the chaos had wrecked havoc with his life, and Bucky had, through no fault of his own, had been the source of that chaos. That Bucky seemed to know this better than Steve himself did was something he’d wondered about. Especially considering the Winter Soldier’s early hostility toward him. Which had, at one point, led to his hand around his throat and mistrust that took a while to undo.

“It’s like I was mad at him sometimes.” He confessed, taking a deep breath as did so. “That he just couldn’t be like he was. That he couldn’t just get past it. And I know that wasn’t his fault but..” He shook his head. “Man he pushed my buttons sometimes.”

“It’s all part of it man.” Sam told him, understanding in his voice. “Acknowledging it is the way for you both to get better.” He seemed to look around for a moment. “So where is he today?”

“Out.” Steve told him, getting his stuff together. “Taking care of some things.”

Sam nodded at that. “Seems to be enjoying that bike.” He mused. “He’s been meeting me instead of me having to pick his ass up all the time. A little independence is a very good thing.”

Bucky had been out a lot on his bike Steve mused and knew Sam was right on that, it had done a great deal of good for him to have that autonomy again. To come and go as he pleased and Steve hadn’t wanted to stifle that in the slightest. Even though the first few times he’d gotten out on his own he’d been worried that something might happen. He was learning to just have faith that when he was out of his sight, he was okay. To trust him to be okay on his own again.

“Hey how we got some lunch and you can tell me all about what you 2 idiots have been up to lately.” Sam suggested as he got up too.

Steve raised an eyebrow, thinking about that morning. “Everything?”

“Except for that.” Sam corrected. “Anything but that.”

Steve laughed and shook his head, his hands on his hips, feeling a bit better now. “Why what did he tell you?” He asked, amused as he grabbed his sketchbook to put back in his bag. “Inquiring minds want to know.”

“He doesn’t tell me anything I can just tell by the look on his damn face.” Sam informed him as they walked. “He may not say much but his eyes won’t shut the hell up and it’s annoying as hell.”

Steve laughed at this, grateful for Sam today and the distraction from his thoughts. Knowing he’d been talking with Bucky later. But for now, it was just catching up with an old friend.

\--

It took him a while to find it, and he needed help from the caretaker, who checked the maps for him. The Cemetery in Brooklyn was one of the bigger ones in the five Burroughs and part of the Brooklyn Bridge span even went over a part of it. You could see the city skyline from certain parts of it, shining through the trees with their now colorful leaves.

He was sitting in front of them now, his bike parked as close it could be and still be on the road. The sky above threatening rain, the wind already picking up and blowing his hair around him as he looked at gravestones that had been surprisingly well kept considering they didn’t get visited a lot these days. Because there wasn’t anyone around that remembered them anymore. Except for him that was.

It hit him a fresh way that really hurt, like a deep knife wound to the gut.

His parents and his sisters were all gone. All passing while he was either locked in a tube, or worse, out stuffing out someone else’s life at the behest of his sworn enemies. And he was the only one left to truly mourn them now.

He had avoided this pain for so long. Had buried it deep under everything else because it was such a profound loss that he didn’t know how to cope with it. He hadn’t even talked to Steve about it. The only person he’d opened up about it to, was Amelia in therapy, and even then he’d tried to stifle it, or worse, brush it off. Which she would not let him do.

“They’ve been gone a long time.” He’d told her, looking out the window. “What’s to talk about?”

“The fact that it’s a deep hurt.” She’d replied in her usual soft tone. “It’s something they took from you too and you have to acknowledge it and grieve for it.”

Bucky remembered biting his lip and looking at her pained. “I can’t.”

But he’d understood what she’d meant even then. That they had taken almost everything from him, and his family was part of that. It went to core of who he was as a person. He had been robbed of his right to at least say goodbye to them. To have closure because they’d stolen his entire life. It had hurt so damn fucking much to think about that he’d done his best to shut it down in his head but now that everything else was clearing this was now rising to the surface and it was like the wound was fresh again.

All he could do was sit here and stare at their markers and wonder what they thought of him now. Of what he’d done, what he’d become. Knowing he would never get answer to that one.

“I know I.. I should’ve come out here sooner but.. I guess I was avoiding it.” He spoke out loud, thinking for a moment that was weird but realized it probably happened a lot in places like this. “But I’m getting married finally and.. and I know it’s not what you expected but..” He blinked back the tears that were once again threatening to spill over. “I love him.. he’s my whole life and I hope wherever you are you know that this is the one thing that’s ever felt truly right to me.”

Truth is he didn’t know what his parents would’ve thought of that. His mother had always asked him why he hadn’t settled down yet, that most young men in their early 20’s had already. It wasn’t like he didn’t have prospects, interested girls. But he’d never quite had the courage to tell her why. It just wasn’t acceptable then. Knowing it was likely his father wouldn’t accept it from the way he talked sometimes. The only one in his family that had know had been Becca and she was good at keeping secrets. She and Sarah Rogers were the only ones who knew for certain.

It wasn’t the worst of it for him though. He could’ve lived with that. It was the other things he wondered about still. Remembering how his mother had told him to always be kind and good. To not hurt others if he didn’t have to. His memories had shown to him that he hadn’t really kept that promise. Even though he knew inside that it wasn’t his fault he was still responsible in some way in his own mind. And knew that possibly would never completely go away.

“I think I failed Ma.” He said painfully, pulling his knees up to his chest a little as he sat there. “I tried to be good but they.. made me do bad things and I feel like you’d be disappointed in me.” The breeze was really blowing now and he could hear the distant sound of thunder rolling closer. “I kinda failed at what I supposed to be and I’m sorry about that.”

He was really starting to feel the pain of this now. Not just that he couldn’t be what they’d wanted him to be. That he had, in his own mind, failed at all of it. But also because he had never been able to tell them this in person. Because they’d been dead for over 40 years. The gravity and the weight of that was crushing him and maybe for the first time he was truly feeling the grief of this loss. Of losing his entire family and essentially his life. A profound grief for himself that was deep and personal.

This hadn’t just been lost, it had been brutally stolen from him, ripped away without his knowledge. They had even taken the memories of it as well. They’d taken his family the way they’d tried to take Steve away. To make him more efficient they had to make him forget it all and he missed everything as a result.

There were generations of his family that he didn’t even know. His sisters had children and grandchildren during that time that he was gone. He had been just a story to them because they believed him dead. A hero that died in the war only to come back as a nightmare plague that any remaining family would want to remove themselves from.

Just the knowledge of all of this was enough to make him angry in a whole new way. The clarity in his mind allowing him to see everything they’d taken.

His family, his legacy, his goddamn life.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there.” He choked out, just letting it out now. “I should’ve… tried harder.”

Even though he knew that he’d done all he could, that everyone had told him that he’d fought as hard as he could there would always be a part of him that would believe he could’ve done more. That all the carnage left in his wake still somehow something he could’ve prevented with a little more effort. In the worst of his days he would still feel that he knew. And he had to let himself.

Bucky put his face in his hands and finally let himself grieve for himself. For all the pain and horror and loss and it felt good, and cathartic to just let all go now. As he did it started to rain, softly at first, patting off his head and back, tapping off the grave markers and making that soft sound through the trees. That maybe the sky was crying with him in a way.

He didn’t care that he was going to get soaked, or that he ached from the low pressure, he just needed this so bad. He didn’t necessarily believe in God or any divine intervention even though he’d been raised that way, because he’d just been through too damn much to think there was any benign presence like that but in the moment, he wished he could feel something, some kind of presence or sign to tell him that they could hear him. That they were there and that they loved him no matter what.

And then felt the buzz in his pocket. His phone. It was ringing and he knew who it was before he even looked at it. Pulling it out he wiped his eyes, which he knew was a stupid gesture because no one could really see him, and it was raining so it didn’t matter.

He hit the answer part of it, trying to force back the emotion in his voice. “Hey punk.”

“Hey to you too jerk.” Steve’s voice answered from somewhere warm and dry he was sure. “Where are you?” He could hear the concern in his voice. “It’s raining and I got a little worried cause you weren’t back.”

“I know I’m just..” He looked up, his eyes flicking on his parents named engraved in stone. “Finishing something up.. I’ll be back soon.”

“Are you okay?” He heard Steve ask, and knew he could hear the emotion in his voice.

He sniffed a little, not even bothering to hid it, there was no point. “No.” He said with a slightly broken voice. “But I will be.”

“Well when you’re ready come home okay?” Steve said in a soft voice that sounded so warm and safe to him. “I’ll order a pizza and we can just.. relax.”

That sounded so good to him at that moment, as he sat there rain-soaked, his chest still hitching from the private grief he just expressed. “That sounds like a date Rogers.” He replied, wiping his face again. “I’ll be there soon.”

“Good.” Steve said from home and then added. “I love you okay?”

Bucky closed his eyes, hearing those words and realized that maybe this was his divine intervention right here. The sign he was looking for. That even though he’d lost so much he did have something to come back to. A new life he was making now. It came in the form of a warm house that was his, complete with a cat. That he had friends that had become family and of course his beautiful blonde idiot, who was the was the constant thing in his life now. The Winter Soldier had been right on that.

Steve was safe. Steve was home. And he wanted to be there now.

“I love you too punk.” He said quietly in response. “I’m on my way.”

Hanging up the phone he put it in his pocket and got up, feeling wet and a bit filthy from the soil. And emotionally exhausted. Stepping forward he put his hands on both the stones and made a vow he’d come more often. It didn’t seem like a lot of people came here anymore but he would.

He would find his sisters eventually too. He promised himself that as well.

Remembering something Steve had told him on the phone, when he was away, and Bucky was having a particularly dark night. _“They’re still here as long as we remember them.”_ And at the time Bucky hadn’t quite registered it because he was still blocking it, but he knew it now. He’d been avoiding this and they’d felt gone, but now that he was letting himself remember they didn’t seem so far away.

“I’ll come back I promise.” He said in a whisper, barely audible over the increasing rain, his hands pressed to the wet stone. “And I’m gonna keep this one.”

Finally he turned away, going back to his bike, knowing it was going to be a miserable ride home, but also knowing that when he got there, he would be home. And he would feel warm again then. There was a cat and a pair of warm arms that would send the shivers away very quickly.

Starting the bike he drove off, pulling the visor down and focusing on his destination and remembering what was behind him too in a whole new way now.

\--

Steve had been worried, and Bucky’s voice on the phone hadn’t assuaged that worry. He sounded like he was trying to hold back his emotion. And it was clear he was outside because he could hear the rain in the background, pelting off of various objects.

The idea of him driving the bike back in this weather, in that state of mind concerned him and made the 20 minutes he had to wait almost excruciating. But then he heard the garage door open and the bike pull in and felt a huge sense of relief.

He stood up with Arya happily purring in his arms and fought the urge to meet him at the door. Not wanting to be like that. Wanting to give Bucky the space to come to him in case he needed a minute. To not smother him. He heard his boots on the kitchen floor and finally went to meet him.

When he came in his saw Bucky hang his keys up like he always did and turn him. He was soaked to the bone, his wet hair and clothes stuck him in a way that might’ve been hot had it not been for the look of pure exhaustion in his eyes. In not just a physical way. His eyes had a raw look like he’d shed some serious emotion and all he wanted to do was strip those cold wet clothes off him and wrap him in something warm. But he gave him a little space first.

“Hey.” Bucky said, pulling off his soaked jacket and hanging it over a chair. “It’s raining.”

“I can see that.” Steve replied, letting Arya down on the nearest chair where she promptly pawed at Bucky’s arm, wanting him to pet her. Which he did. “Everything alright?”

Bucky lowered his eyes to Arya as he pet her. “Yeah.. maybe..” He said without any real conviction. “I don’t know.”

“Which one is it?” Steve asked, taking a step closer.

Bucky seemed to an internal debate before answering. “After I saw Tony at the fairgrounds I went to see my parents.” He said in quiet voice, just a bare edge of emotion in it. “Kinda thought it was time you know?”

Steve nodded, knowing how difficult all that was, especially on his own like that, but he knew he’d had to do it. The subject of his parents was something he’d avoided even more than the subject of Tony Stark and Steve knew it was a deep hurt in him. A hole that might never get filled. The loss of his family and lack of closure there.

He walked over, seeing Bucky stand up as he did and just put his hands on his face gently. “I wanna get you out of those wet clothes.” He said softly to him, and kissed his forehead, feeling Bucky’s hands rest on his arms. “Then I’m gonna order that pizza and we can talk if you want.” He looked back in his eyes as he laid his head against his. “Or whatever you want alright?”

Bucky nodded and sort of leaned against him. “I don’t really wanna talk.” He said tiredly. “Not right now..”

Steve put his arm around him gently. “That’s fine.” He said softly to him. “Whatever you want.”

Bucky nodded gratefully, letting Steve lead him out of the kitchen to get changed. Finding him a pair of warm and more importantly, dry pajama pants and a comfortable t-shirt to change into. And of course the bunny slippers as well. Couldn’t forget that.

His hair was still damp, but he’d pulled it back into a ponytail and seemed to smile tiredly at Steve as he looked him over. “That better?”

“Sure is.” Bucky answered and stepped forward, putting his hands on Steve’s face now. “Thanks punk.”

“For what jerk?”

“For being you.” Bucky said softly, nuzzling his face against Steve’s. “You’re the only thing that’s left of who I used to be.”

“You’re still him you know?” Steve said in response, letting his hands rest on Bucky’s waist. “And a lot of other things too.” He pulled him closer, their lips touching now. “And I love everything that you are.”

There were the parts of the Bucky he knew from long ago, along with the Bucky that was the Winter Soldier. Those two halves combining to make the beautiful whole he was now. The one with the bright eyes and kind demeanor that had stood up for him and next to him when no one else did, and the one that was hurt and abused but survived it by being practical and cool. And this third person who’d emerged from the wreckage stronger, with the best attributes of both.

“I am what I am because of you.” Bucky whispered to him. “Because you love me.”

Bucky did not let him answer that statement, just pressed his lips to his in what felt like a very emotional kiss. Steve let his hand slide up to the back of his head, feeling his still damp ponytail under his palm. His other hand held him around his back, just letting him feel warm again, because it still felt like he was shivering just a little. Whether from the dampness or just from the exhaustion of the day.

After a little bit he pulled his lips away and buried his face in Steve’s shoulder, seeming wanting to be wrapped up like this. “When’s the pizza getting here?” He asked. “I am kind of hungry.”

Steve patted his head, smiling into his hair. “Soon.” He told him as he brushed his lips over his head again. “How bout I make you some hot cider while we’re waiting.” He rubbed his back, feeling Bucky tighten his arms around him a little more. “That’ll warm you up til then.”

“That sounds great.” Bucky seemed to agree. “But I don’t wanna let go of you yet punk so could you just.. drag me in there?”

“I can do you one better jerk.” Steve told him and hoisted him up into his arms. “You don’t have to walk at all.”

Bucky nuzzled his face with his own. “Such a gentleman.” He said as he wrapped his legs around Steve’s hips. “You gonna do when we get married too?” His lips brushed Steve’s playfully. “Carry me over the threshold and all that corny shit?”

“Of course I will.” Steve answered, letting his hands squeeze Bucky’s ass as he got a better grip on him. “Because I know my boo bear loves it.”

Bucky rolled his eyes and Steve loved the sight of him like this again. Being sassy and happy after the long day he’d had. Wanting to give him  that peace and quite for a while, knowing if he needed to talk he would. But for right now he wanted him to relax.

“Yeah I do love my idiot.” Bucky said with a warm smile as he was carried to the kitchen. His hands tossling Steve’s hair playfully. “He takes good care of me..”

“I always will Buck.” He told him as he deposited him in the kitchen chair. “Always.”

He warmed him up with the cider and soon the pizza was there as well, hot and steaming and he watched as Bucky devoured it. As always making sure Arya got some cheese, not a lot but a little bit of treat. They didn’t want her to get fat, because she was getting a little bit of belly from being spoiled so much. But they couldn’t help it, either of them.

Soon they were retired to the couch, under the big fleece blanket, watching a Charlie Brown special that had to with Halloween, because it was, well, bordering on October now. They each had another cup of cider on the tv tray and a cat curled up with them, because where there was a fleece blanket, there was a cat. The wind caused the rain to patter hard against the window but inside it was dry and warm.  It seemed to be exactly what Bucky needed right now.

“This is good.” He said after a while, snuggling against Steve a little more under the blanket, his metal arm wrapped around his waist. “This I could definitely get used to.” He seemed to smile a little, nuzzling his face against Steve’s shoulder. “I guess I’m definitely an old fart now if this how I like to spend Friday nights huh?”

Steve chuckled and kissed the side of his head. “Well then you’re the cutest old fart I know.” He told him, his fingers playing in his brown hair. “And we are both old because I like this too.”

He wouldn’t trade it for all the adventure and all the missions. As far he was concerned if this was his life from now on, he was perfectly happy with that. They both more than earned the right to have this. He wrapped his arms tighter around the love his life, with the cat on his lap and just let himself breathe it in.

“So what’s this Great Pumpkin thing?” Bucky asked tiredly, barely able to keep his eyes open. “I don’t get it.”

“Just watch it jerk you’ll find out.” Steve told him, kissing his head again. “It’s actually kind of cute..”

So they just snuggled and watched tv, just like an old couple and it was perfection.

\--

He must’ve fallen asleep in Steve’s arms on the couch because he was in the middle of a dream now. And knew he was dreaming too. It wouldn’t have made sense otherwise. But unlike a lot of his dreams, this one wasn’t frightening. Not at all.

He was in a field, overlooking a lake, quite possibly Lake George. He wasn’t sure. He was wandering along, feeling the tall grass and seeing the changing leaves on the trees around him. Birds were singing and the wind was blowing through his hair. He felt safe, serene. Like he hadn’t truly felt in a long time.

Feeling a presence he turned and saw the Winter Soldier there as well. But a new version of him now. Almost like a reflection.

His clothes were looser, the body armor gone that used to constrain him. It had always been tight, not as much to keep him safe at to remind him that he wasn’t free. But now the Soldier just wore loose-fitting black clothes and had, Bucky noticed, bare feet. Just like Bucky himself had. There was no longer pain and fear in his eyes but contentment and peace. Bucky thought if Steve could see him like this he would probably pop right there. And then realized something profound. That he was seeing it. That this was probably what he himself looked like now.

“I thought you were gone.” Bucky said to him gratefully. “I hadn’t seen you in a while.”

“I was never gone.” The Soldier said. “Always here.. with you.”

He knew he was right, he was inside now, experiencing everything with Bucky now. He felt no need to make his presence known because he was always there. Strengthening Bucky with his presence in his head in more subtle ways than he realized. There was something beautiful about that Bucky was starting to see now. Starting to understand that he didn’t really kill him. He just took him in and freed him.

Had freed himself.

“You won’t go away?”

“I will always be here.” The Soldier said, a ghost of a smile on his face. “Just like them.”

Bucky was confused for a moment. “Them?”

The Winter Soldier gave him a look that said this should be obvious before answering. “They never left you either.” He told him and put his metal finger on Bucky’s heart. “Always right here.”

He finally understood what he meant. That the ones he’d lost would always be with him too. That he could keep them because they never really left in the first place. Hydra had tried to kill a lot of things in him but they could never truly reach his heart, which was where he kept everything precious to him, hidden safely away. And there was room for a lot in there.

His parents and his sisters.

Howard and Maria Stark and all the others they’d made him kill. He’d remember them and honor them as well. By living and surviving to honor them that way.

Steve, Arya, Wanda and Sam. And everyone else that had helped him too. That had become his family.

And the Winter Soldier too. Bucky wasn’t going to forget him either. They were bound together in his head and would share everything from now on. They would carry it all together.

He turned and just gently embraced that other part of himself for real this time. He’d heard corny ass shit about giving yourself a hug and all that garbage, but this was different. The last time he’d done it, he’d done to merge and now it was just a thank you.

“You’ll be there too.” He said quietly. “Don’t be a stranger okay?”

“Always here.” The Solider replied in almost the same voice. “Always.”

When he woke up he felt emotional, in a good healthy way. And he wanted to paint too. Feeling another inspiration, something  that he hoped would never stop. He liked this feeling a lot.

“You alright?” Steve asked, a little concerned. “Buck?”

“Yeah.” He said with complete honesty. “I am.” He looked up at him with a soft smile on his face. “I wanna go paint if you don’t mind.”

“You don’t have to ask permission jerk.” Steve said with a smile of his own, patting his hip. “Go right ahead.”

Bucky hopped off him and trotted upstairs, past the colorful pawprints Arya had left her first week here. Ones that they’d never cleaned and never would. He went in the art room and plunked himself in front of a fresh canvas and started painting, losing himself in the beautiful haze that came from creating something.

He didn’t even notice Steve come in not long after with his sketchpad and start drawing as well. Nor did he notice the cat by his feet. He was captivated by the colors coming together to create the image that he wanted. Mixing his colors expertly now, getting the paint all over him as he did.

When he finally sat back the picture was bright as life in front of him. It was the Winter Solider, or him maybe he wasn’t sure because he knew they were one in the same. It showed him against the bright blue sky, which always reminded him of the color of Steve’s eyes, looking serene. His brown hair blowing in the breeze, clothing loose and free of constraint, hands free of weapons, face clear.

“Damn Buck.” He heard Steve said over his shoulder, chin resting on the top of his head. “That’s just.. beautiful.”

Bucky smiled, lifting his hand to Steve’s arm to look up at him. “I had a good dream for once..”

Steve then moved one of his arms and put his sketch pad in front of Bucky’s eyes, showing him what he’d drawn as well. Bucky took it in his hand and felt emotional again. It was a drawing of him painting and the look on his face was the same as the painting. Of freedom and clarity.

“You and I got the same beautiful muse.” Steve whispered, his lips brushing over Bucky’s hair. “It’s gotta be meant to be.”

Bucky stood up, putting one hand on Steve’s face, the other holding the sketchbook in it. “I love you so damn much punk.” He whispered, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. “And I’m gonna marry you.”

“Damn straight jerk.” Steve replied, pulling him closer. “This is your life now.”

It was. He felt it strongly. Knowing he’d always carry the pain with him too, because that was his and it was a part of him. And now he had the strength to carry it, in memory of his losses. But he was carrying the love too, which gave him that strength. Wanda had bene right, he was powerful because he could carry it all. And he wasn’t carrying it alone.

“Yeah.” He agreed, leaning forward to kiss him. “It is.”

\--

They were making love, sweet and soft, but that urgency that always came toward the end. Bucky’s moans and cries were music to his ears, the way his eyes fluttered and rolled at every thrust. The way his fingers gripped his back, the metal ones wrapping around his neck and even tugging his hair a little was just perfection.

It was still raining, the storm blowing itself out, but they barely heard it, so caught up in each other. When both came, one following the other, he collapsed into Bucky’s body and wrapped his arms around him, pulling him close and kissing him deeply, hands threading through his hair, both of them breathless but still refusing to part right away.

When they finally did, he just stared down into those teal blue eyes, so clear now. So glazed and full of love and his heart just about stopped because his beauty in these moments always destroyed him.  He lowered his head and nuzzled his neck sweetly, smelling him again as he lay between his legs, holding him up slightly with his other arm.

“Steve?” Bucky gasped breathlessly. “Did you.. go to that meeting?”

Steve felt surprised at this question, almost forgetting about it after all this time. “Yeah.” He said against Bucky’s shoulder, his fingers still holdinga fistful of Bucky’s hair as it rested against the pillow. “I did.”

“Good.” Bucky seemed to say in relief, his hands resting on Steve’s back. “Did it help?”

He thought about it, burying his face in Bucky’s shoulder, realizing maybe they needed to talk about this too. To clear the air in a way. But he held him a little tighter before he started.

“Yeah it did.” He admitted as he lay there like that in his arms. “I realized there were.. times when I was.. mad at you.” He closed his eyes buried his face more against him. “Almost like I blamed you and I didn’t mean to.. that I was.. having a tough time sometimes.”

Bucky nuzzled his face against the top of Steve’s head and held him a little tighter too. “It was hard on you I know.” He whispered into his hair. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be Buck.” Steve told him, raising his head, keeping that hand between Bucky’s head and the pillow. “That wasn’t your fault either. It was me.” He brushed his lips over his softly. “I need to work on that and I’m going to I promise.”

Bucky bit his lip as he looked up at him. “We’ll work on it together punk.” He suggested, letting his metal fingers trail over Steve’s shoulders. “We got the rest of our lives for that.”

He rose up a little and with a sot but firm grip, pulled Bucky’s lips to his by hair, feeling him grip his back as they kissed softly  for a moment before laying their heads together, Bucky’s arm slung over Steve’s shoulder with his hand as still buried in the beautiful brown hair. It felt precious to Steve and he knew he’d have moments like this for the rest of their lives together and looked forward to every one.

“Yes we do jerk.” He whispered to him, the fingers of his other hands trailing over Bucky’s back. “And for this too.”

“We’re gonna have to work at this every damn day.” Bucky said quietly, his blue eyes hooded as his fingers trailed down Steve’s arm. “Cause I’m still gonna have bad days sometimes.”

“I know Buck.” He told him, holding him closer. “But that’s a fight I’m willing to fight for the rest of my life if I have to.” He rubbed his face against his lovingly. “Because I love you that much.”

He felt Bucky smile and bury his face in his shoulder, letting a out sigh. “I love you too punk.” He whispered, content to just curl up like that in his arms. And Steve was just content to hold him like that for a long as possible.

Steve smiled and buried his face in his hair. His whole world in his arms, safe and sound and he let himself breathe clearly again himself. This was his life now. Past, present and future. The only adventure he wanted to embark on anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is what is penultimate in this fic (meaning it's the next to last one) and it's a chapter I've wanted to write for a while because a lot of it as you can see is about letting of the things that hold us down. And as you read, Bucky accomplished a few things in this chapter of great importance moving forward. 
> 
> The first being finally being able to pleasure Steve in the way he wants to. Some would say whats the big deal in this but if you can recall he hasn't done since he remembered being abused and raped and its because of the severe trauma of that memory. For him to finally be able to recognize the difference and push aside that memory to enjoy an intimate with his partner is a victory for any survivor, to take it back to a large degree and reclaim yourself and Steve definitely recognized the significance it too.
> 
> Seeing Tony was a scene I wanted to write for a while, and picking the Queens fairgrounds s a backdrop was another connection ot his past. The Geosphere is still there, you probably saw it in Men In Black of course, it was used in a couple of different fairs and I thought what a good tie to Howard Stark as well. I also wanted a neutral place for that conversation and sort of ease them into it. I really think given time and perspective (and having a a kid) would've evidently allowed something like this to occur but sadly we will never get this in canon. Forgiveness is important, not jsut for the person being forgiven but for the one dong the forgiving because it allows you to let go, even if you're not sure the person you're forgiving deserves it, it's good for you to do. That's not the case here, Tony can genuinely see and has seen how much Bucky has suffered for this. It fits into the theme of the chapter, which is about letting go of heavy things so you can move forward. 
> 
> Visiting the parents graves was something that has been hinted at but not really dealt with because, like was said, Bucky buried that loss under everything else because it was a deep personal loss, and very symbolic of everything that was taken from. The fact that he never got any closure with his parents and sisters and that they are all gone is something I have thought about a lot regarding Bucky and it's another aspect of his character that doesn't get explored often and I wanted to give him something, some kind of closure, even if its not total he can at least face and grieve for that now. 
> 
> A few small things. The looser clothes for one. I think Bucky would prefer to not have to wear anything too constricting considering how he basically had that one outfit and many parts of it seemed very tight (including that damn mask). It's why I have him dress in comfortable clothes now and I thought that was a nice detail to add. 
> 
> Steve going to the meeting and understanding the emotional toll it took on him to deal with Bucky like this was important to me too, because often caretakers of people with certain mental illnesses have to deal with a lot of up and downs and mood swings and its sometimes dangerous. The level of work you have to put in sometimes can breed some anger and admitting and dealing with it is important, and the fact that Bucky was aware of this was important because Bucky may have an illness but he's always gonna look out for Steve. 
> 
> And I do like this little details of just chilling on the couch and watching cartoons because why not right? Sometimes that's the way I spend my Fridays :)
> 
> Anyways i'm sure there's a lot more I didn't cover in this and all (sometimes I forget what I wrote lol) but there's that. The next, which is the last chapter, you will get to see some of that wedding and the honeymoon and a nice wrap up as well and I'm still working out the details but I really do hope you'll all love it, because i've really enjoyed writing this fic and am excited to give them that happy ending I've promised. But I will have an interesting announcement of sorts as well, because while this fic might be over, the story might not be. There's your hint. 
> 
> Once again than you all for the lovely comments and all your support <3<3


	38. Welcome to the Future

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Final chapter folks here you go..:)
> 
> (artwork per usual on my Tumblr page

“Come on sit still.” Wanda said from behind him, with only mild irritation. “I’m almost done.”

Bucky couldn’t help but fidget slightly, knowing it was a combination of nerves and excitement. Like a kid at Christmas. Hell he was acting like Steve would. Wondering what he and Sam were up to right now as Wanda continued working on his hair. She wouldn’t let him have a mirror either yet, which was compounding it for him.

“What are you doing back there anyways?” He asked, trying not turn and risk her wrath anymore. “It’s been an hour.”

“Well you have a lot of hair and it takes a while to get it just right.” She informed him. “It’s your wedding after all.”

Bucky rolled his eyes a little, thinking this was a lot of work for nothing. “Why bother?” He asked, fidgeting with his bracelet. “Steve’s just gonna wreck it once we’re alone.”

And a lot of other things too Bucky was sure of, once thing Steve Rogers was good at was wrecking the hell out of him in all kinds of way. All of which he enjoyed immensely. And he was pretty sure their wedding night would be epic if their previous actions over the last year were any indication.

“What happens later doesn’t matter smartass.” Wanda said, not the least bit put out by that information. Sam on the other hand would’ve been horrified. “What matters is how you look when you’re marrying him. “ She adjusted a little more of his hair as she worked on it. “And before you even say it.. just because you’re a man doesn’t mean you can’t look beautiful on your wedding day.”

Bucky scrunched his face a little at that idea. Steve called him beautiful all the damn time but that was Steve. His favorite cornball. But he knew there would always be a small part of him that didn’t think too highly of himself and wondered why he’d bother at this. But he knew she was right.  Getting married was not a time to be unkempt and that’s why she was here.

“If you say so.” He answered finally, feeling her delicate fingers work in his hair. “I’m just sayin’. “

“You’re always just saying.” Wanda said with amusement. “Stop being like that …you’re getting married.”

Bucky smiled, feeling a big chagrined at the same time. “Yes ma’am.”

“Okay I think I’m done.” Wanda said after a time and turned him in the chair to the mirror. “Take a look.”

He had to admit when he saw it that she’d done a beautiful job his occasionally uncooperative hair. Half of it had been pulled back in a loose bun that was low on the back of his head, and their were what looked small braids on each side leading to it. There were several tendrils of hair that were left out to frame his face and, and the rest of the hair rest lightly on his shoulder. It looked soft but not too soft, sort of like some of the hairstyles he’d seen in Wakonda and he wondered if she’d gotten some tips from Shuri or something.

“Damn kid it looks great.” He observed honestly.  “I mean it.”

“Thank you.” She answered, her hands his shoulder and giving him a kiss on the cheek. “You look gorgeous.” She smiled, resting her head on his shoulder. “Steve is just going to pass out when he sees you.”

The rare occasions when he took the time to study himself in a mirror were starting to be revelations. He was starting to see what Steve was so enamored by all the time. Not in an egotistical way but in a sense of pride in himself that he hadn’t had in a long time. It was a sense of giving a damn about himself for one. Because honestly, he wasn’t half bad.

Along with Wanda’s painstaking work with his hair, he had chosen a long-sleeved, button down white shirt that was long, loose and comfortable. With a dark pair of jeans and soft comfortable shoes. Wanda had found a blue vest to wear over that was close in color to his eyes she said and had added ‘That will take care of your something blue part’. He had to admit it was quite sharp, in a beautiful casual way because in some ways he wanted to defy a little tradition.

He was debating on whether to wear his tags on the inside or the outside of the shirt, looking at them both ways, when once again Wanda was there to give the advice he needed at the moment or he would’ve been there all day.

“I think they look better on the outside.” She said, pulling them out and smiling at him. “Because that’s you and you should be yourself.” He looked down at them as they fell onto the outside of his shirt perfectly. “And it can be your ‘something old’ part.” She smirked. “Although that could cover you in general.”

“Har har..” Bucky told her, shaking his head. “Now whose being a smartass.”

“Hey I just give what I get.” She replied with sass. “But yeah I think that’s the look we’re going for.”

They weren’t that old, they were copies of his originals, which had been destroyed by Hydra in an attempt to hide his identity from him. Which still made him slightly angry to this day. But he got her point on it. It’s what it represented not its actual age.  Part of who he was and still is.

“Yeah I think you’re right as always.”

“Well at least you admit.” She told him with a soft laugh and then looked him over. “So we’ve got the old..” She observed and picked up his wrist, where his engagement bracelet was. “And here’s something new..” She seemed to study him a little. “Already got the blue so what we need is something borrowed now.”

Bucky watched as she turned and dug into her bag, seeming to be looking for something in it. She found and Bucky couldn’t tell what it was at first as she walked over and picked up his metal wrist and tied it around it. It was a rope bracelet with what looked like and infinity symbol on it. He looked at and looked back at her.

“What is it?”

She smiled softly and held that hand, using her other one to move it around it around it bit. “It was my brothers.” She said in a quiet, thoughtful tone. “He always wore it. He had it on when he died.” She looked sad as she looked at it. “I’ve kept it with me all this time and thought maybe it was time to let it go.”

Bucky immediately felt a sense of responsibility and even a little guilt as he looked at it. Knowing what it was like to have siblings and how painful it was to lose them. “I can’t take this.” He objected, looking up at her. “It’s your brother it’s your family..”

“You’re my family now.” She said to him just as adamantly, her hands on his. “You and Steve and Arya and everyone else.” She raised a hand and put it on his face. “And I’ll always miss my brother but he’s in my heart and I don’t need anything physical to remind me of that.” She smiled and he swore she had some tears in her eyes. “Any more than you need something physical to remember your sisters. They’re with you too.”

He felt that sentiment himself, knowing she was right on that. They were gone, but wouldn’t be forgotten as long they were remembered. And now he had a new family and she was part of it. It may never have filled the void completely of the loss of either of their siblings, but they had found a family in each other and he was grateful for that every day now.

“Thanks kid.” He said with just as much emotion in his voice as she had. “I’ll take good care of it.”

Wanda then wrapped her arms around him and hugged him tight, one of the few people that could do that. And he smiled burying his face in her shoulder for a moment and feeling the warmth of her hands on his back and his head. Not penetrating too much, just enough to read the thoughts on the top of his mind. That little bit of him that still had doubts about whether he deserved any of this. He knew she could feel that by the tightness of her hug and the length of it.

“You deserve this.” She whispered to him. “You deserve to be happy and don’t you ever doubt that.”

He nodded against her shoulder, grateful for her, and for all his friends. For everyone that had helped him along the way.

“Okay I suppose I do.” He replied and chuckled at little, feeling her hand on the bun she’d put in his hair. “Just be careful not to mess up my hair okay?”

She laughed herself and pulled away, leaving a hand on his face. “Alright wise guy.” She said sternly, taking his hand in hers. “It’s time for you to get married.” She pulled him along. “We’ve kept Steve waiting long enough.”

On the way she picked up Arya, who had on this adorable rose-colored harness with flowers on it. It looked like a dress and Bucky gave Wanda a mock cross look. “You put a dress on my cat?”

“Well yeah.” She said with a smirk. “She’s the flower girl after all.” Wanda stated, lifting Arya and kissing her little nose. “She has to look pretty too.”

Bucky rolled his eyes but had to admit it was cute. He leaned over and nuzzled her little face with his and felt her little paw on his cheek. “You do look beautiful little darlin’” He cooed to her. “Lets go see Daddy now.”

\--

The fact that Bucky was standing in front of him in this situation would’ve been enough to tie Steve’s tongue up but the fact that he looked stunning just made it more so.  The hair, with the soft braids and low buns, pulled away from his eyes, but with the strands framing them was just an amazing piece of work by Wanda he knew. And the outfit, especially the long-sleeved white shirt with the vest that so beautifully matched his eyes was just enough to take whatever breath he had away.

To Steve the white was almost like a renewal for Bucky. A new starting point for him. His tags, hanging out of that perfectly buttoned shirt reflected the sun quite beautifully as well it was a while before he could think well enough and was surprised when it was finally time to speak.

They had agreed on a small outdoor wedding up here by the lake. Bucky had loved this place so much and had wanted it here. In Autumn because he didn’t want to be typical. And he just wanted their friends there, all the ones that helped along the way, so the guest list was short but perfect.

Steve had asked him why it was so important to do it here though, there were a lot of places that meant things to them and Bucky had sat forward in the chair to consider this carefully.

“Because it was where I.. really began to recover.“ He told him, folding his hands together between his legs. “When I knew I needed help, real help you know?”

He thought he might’ve. He’d remembered Bucky being so despondent in not understanding his illness and what had resulted from it. Remembered him sitting on the bathroom floor with a bleeding wrist and crying painfully in his arms. He knew that Bucky considered it almost a full circle thing to come back here and create a new happier memory.

Reaching out with his hand he touched his hair, brushing it back. “I get it.” He said in a soft, understanding voice. “We can do that.”

As he looked at him now, he was trying to find the words to say that would convey his feelings properly because they were going to do their own vows so to speak. And normally if Steve was asked to speak he had no trouble finding them, hell he’d never had that much trouble talking to Bucky but this was just.. different.

Taking a deep breath, he took his hands in his, finding that courage that loving him had always given him. Using it to say what he needed to say. As with his best speeches this was without any kind of script and maybe that was the point of it all.

“Come on punk.” Bucky said with good humor. “We ain’t got all day..”

The mirth on Bucky’s face just made him want to kiss him right there, who needed a ceremony. It was just formality really. But tradition was tradition so shook his head at Bucky and pulled him just a tab bit closer with a steady look in his eyes.

“You know jerk, this isn’t as easy as it looks.” He warned him and saw Bucky’s eyes shift as if picking up the heat a little. “Wait your turn.”

Bucky’s looked had turned saucy, causing him to tilt his head a little “Aye Aye Captain.” He said, those stray strands of hair blowing around his eyes. “Go ahead.”

“Well usually I’m better at this.” He said, chuckling and hearing it from the spectators as well. “But I think you’re the only person whose ever been able to render me speechless.” He saw Bucky smile at him almost proudly. “Or to just shut me up. But I think what I want to say it was that.. I think I’ve loved you from the day I met you. From the day you saved my ass in the park.” He saw Bucky shake his head, and fold his hands a little more in his. “You’d get used to doing that because.. well.. you know me.”

This caused a laugh from several people because they knew who Steve was. Although most of them didn’t know him when he was smaller with the same big attitude. But he just focused on Bucky, whose teal blue eyes were locked on his

“I may not have understood what this was until I was a teenager, but I never thought even that you’d love me back the same way.” He continued, holding that steady gaze. “You were just so beautiful and perfect. I mean every girl in the neighborhood had a crush on you so what chance did I have? But you did.” He felt Bucky’s hands flex in his a little, his eyes showing deep emotion. “I didn’t have a lot of things but I had you, even though we had to hide it because.. the world just wasn’t ready for us was it?”

He saw Bucky lower his head for a moment, almost looking away before turning his attention back to him again. He nodded as if answering the question but also telling him to continue.

“When I lost you, I lost everything that mattered. It didn’t matter if I was a hero if I couldn’t even save the one person I loved the most.” He told him, his voice filling with emotion now. “And then you were back and even though it was hard, all I wanted to do was get you back to me. And I watched you suffer, and yet fight through it and every day I loved you more. You’re so strong, I don’t think you have any idea just how strong you are.” He clasped his hands a little tighter. “From the day you first kissed me til now you were always more courageous than you knew. And it’s because of that you’re here now.” He felt his voice choke up even more now as he finished, knowing he was rambling. “I swear right now til my dying day that I will never let you go again.. that you will never have to fight alone. Never again.”

He could see Bucky looked emotional and slightly annoyed by that. He shook his head and did that nose crunch smile that Steve thought was just the most beautiful thing ever. He seemed to need a minute to gather himself before he spoke, his hands wrap around Steve’s a little more.

“Dammit punk you had to make me emotional didn’t you?” He teased, lifting his eyes, the blue appearing out from under those dark lashes. “Should kick your ass for that but I love you too damn much.”

In the moment, Steve thought he’d never looked more beautiful than he did right there, those strands of hair blowing around his face and shirt rippling in the autumn breeze, trying find words because it seemed like Steve had scrambled him a bit his with his. But he bounced back because he was Bucky and could recover from anything it seemed.

“This is gonnna sound as corny as hell but..  Rogers here has taught me how okay that really is now. “ He seemed to begin, once again focusing his gaze on Steve. “But you are just the brightest damn light to me. Because you never gave up. Ever. And when I was a kid I didn’t even know I was missing that until you showed up with your punk attitude and missing teeth.” He chuckled a little. “But when things got real dark, I needed that light. It was the only that kept me alive to be honest.” He swallowed and looked down for a moment. “Even when I forgot who I was, when everything was black and cold it was still in there. It was the one they couldn’t take from me.”

When he lifted his eyes back up to his, Steve saw the deep feeling and emotion in them. The pain mixed with the hope and promise that he had now. He may have still been haunted, and in some ways always would be but his own inner light was showing through as well. And in that Steve could clearly see the Winter Soldier as well, with that strangely innocent pragmatism to steady Bucky’s often unstable emotions. It seemed to be what always pulled him together, and Steve thought this was so remarkable, seeing both those parts in play with each other, making this beautiful whole.

“You gave me that Steve.” Bucky said softly, his fingers continually flexing in his. “You’re the reason I survived. You. You gave me a goddamn reason to fight back. You showed me what courage was. Because dammit I almost killed you but you never goddamn wavered and you saved me.” He seemed to swallow hard again as if fighting his emotions. Which was a losing battle. “In every way possible and made me believe in myself and that is damn gift I can never repay.” He smiled through what looked like actual tears in his eyes. “But I’m gonna spend the rest of my goddamn life trying to.”

Steve, in spite of his emotions at hearing Bucky’s would, couldn’t help but respond. “Language.”

Bucky laughed and rolled his eyes at hi. “Shut the hell up punk up and put that ring on me will ya?”

“Of course jerk.” He answered with sass of his own. “It’s what we’re here for.”

The rings were inlaid with gold and platinum in a rope spiral pattern and just gleamed as they were put on each other’s fingers. On Steve’s left and Bucky’s right for obvious reasons. And at that moment he still couldn’t believe it was actually happening. Never in his life did he think they’d ever be abler to do this. Social reasons and physical separation had made the idea nearly impossible until they’d both finally come to in a world where it was possible. It had taken a long time and been a hard road, but they were here.

Joined forever in every way possible now.

When he was finally allowed to kiss him, their ringed hands entwined and Steve’s other hand wrapped around that carefully crafted bun and just pulled him to him, not skimping on it at all. He felt Bucky’s metal hand on the back of his shirt, flat on his back and just pulled him closer, not afraid to express this love to everyone there. Hell they’d earned it.

He felt a little furry body criss-cross between their legs, purring proudly. Wanda had put Arya down and the little flower kitty, their pseudo-daughter was just as happy as they were at that moment.

“I love you so damn much.” He whispered to him, finally pulling his lips away to lean his head against Bucky’s. “I always will Buck.. that’s a promise.”

“I know it is.” Bucky answered, smiling and nuzzling his face against his. “And I love you too punk.” He felt the rings on their fingers slide together as they re-clasped their hands again. “Til the end of the line.”

His heart filled with that feeling and he just kissed him again, unable to help it. Oblivious to anyone else around them for the time being.

\--

The reception was a blast of course. Not just in the parts that related to him and Steve but just watching their friends enjoy themselves.

Tony, Sam and Clint seemed to be racing to see who could get the drunkest first and their respective significant others basically rolling their eyes and obtaining keys to ensure future safety. But it wasn’t just the men, Nat was doing her fair share too, and drinking them under the table yet managing to stay upright. The noise from that table was just hilarious. Drunken boasting and loud conversations about what each believed they could still do while drunk. It was pretty hilarious.

Wanda sat with Arya in her lap and the little cat seemed to entertain Clint’s children who were just having a fabulous time with her and Wanda doing her tricks for them. She was natural with kids in that way. It helped when you could move stuff with your mind like that and children were never not impressed by this.

Bucky for his part had had a great time, entertaining himself first with smearing cake all over Steve, which of course resulted in an entertaining wrestling match. Which Bucky thought was one of their finer moments actually.

“Dammit punk I’m never getting this out of my shirt now.” He complained, drinking wine straight out of the bottle. “Nice job.”

“Hey don’t blame me jerk.” Steve answered, wrapping his hand around his neck to pull him into a kiss. “You started it.”

“I object to that statement Rogers.” Bucky protested, not letting his husband kiss him just yet. “You started it back in the 20’s when you threw that hot dog at me at Nathan’s.” He leaned against him teasingly. “That’s what started this war and don’t believe we signed a peace treaty.”

Steve shook his head. “I can’t believe you remember that.”

“Oh I remember all of it.” Bucky sassed, letting himself be pulled into the kiss finally. “I got all the dirt on you Captain America.”

And as delicious as that kiss was, he reminded himself there were children present. To save the good stuff for later. But it didn’t mean he couldn’t enjoy a little fun now.

At one point the drinking game looked hilarious, all of them looking as though they would have to be helped to their rooms later. Bucky couldn’t help but show off himself though, brining over the two wine bottles, one empty and one of which had a half a bottle left and put them down on the table.

“I’m beating all your asses.” He declared, downing another quarter of the bottle left. “And I ain’t even close to drunk.”

“That ain’t fair Barnes.” Sam protested, his words slurring a little. “You got like super-shit in you I just got.. a liver that’s all.”

“We all have livers Wilson.” Tony reminded him as he downed another. “Some of us just got super livers is all.”

“Even if I didn’t I could still beat you Wilson. “ He said with bravado. “Just sayin.”

He polished off the wine bottle and was about to grab another to prove his point when Steve intervened. “Alright that’s enough jerk.” He told Bucky, wrapping an arm around his waist from behind. “Think you proved your point.”

“See?” Bucky said with a tipsy roll of the eyes. “Only been married an hour and Mr. Fuddy Duddy is cutting me off.. “ He threw up his arms  and chuckled. “How typical.”

“Behave yourself boo bear..” He heard Steve whisper in his ear, trying to retrieve the wine bottle from Bucky’s hand.

“Make me.” Bucky sassed, swigging what was left of it. “I dare you.”

He was feeling a bit tipsy and enjoying the hell out of himself, wanting to see what Steve would do. Seeing a playful gleam in Steve’s eyes too. He was having fun too.

“You dare me huh?” He asked with a raised eyebrow. “Is that so?”

Bucky turned in his arms, playing around for his audience, who were amused in that drunk kind of way. “I double dare you Stevie.” He sassed, with a wicked grin on his face.

Steve shook his head and promptly picked him up, throwing him over his broad shoulder and patted his ass. And Bucky had to say he rather enjoyed this show of force. “Sergeant Barnes can’t play anymore.” Steve told the rest of them. “He’s being fresh.”

 “You know Rogers this is kidnapping.” Bucky protested over his shoulder, having a ton of fun with the view he had. “I believe it’s a federal offense.”

Steve patted him again. “Only if I take you over state lines jerk.”

Bucky cackled happily, nuzzling his face against Steve’s back. “As if this is a punishment.” He said, looking over his own shoulder. “Cause I’m really enjoying view punk.” He snickered even more. “It is definitely America’s ass.”

“You too are so ridiculous.” Sam said, rolling his eyes as he reached for another beer.

Bucky looked up from his upside-down position. “Don’t be hatin’ Wilson.”

Steve then carried him to dance area and put him back down on his feet, letting Bucky’s arms drape around his neck as he kept him close. Bucky felt buzzed and dizzy from being carried upside down. And a bit turned on by Steve just doing it at all. Remembering how many times he’d thrown Steve over his shoulder when they were younger and now his little punk was returning the favor.

“You owe me a dance beautiful.” Steve said in that low voice that just added to Bucky’s already amorous mood. “It’s a tradition.”

Bucky smiled a little wickedly and shifted in his arms a little. “Okay doll.” He said with gleam in his eyes. “Let’s dance then.”

He entwined his own fingers around the back of Steve’s neck for their dance. He laid his head against his and took it all in, letting it finally settle over him now. They were married. It really happened. After everything they’d gone through, they’d finally gotten here it was almost overwhelming to the point of making him feel little more dizzy. Or maybe it was the win he wasn’t sure, but either way, Steve’s arms around his waist steadied him.

He always steadied him.

Closing his eyes, he leaned his forehead more against Steve’s and just listened to the music. To this song he’d picked at random after hearing its lyrics and thinking it was about them, had to be.

_“You're my survival, you're my living proof  
My love is alive and not dead_

_Tell me that we belong together_  
Dress it up with the trappings of love  
I'll be captivated, I'll hang from your lips  
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above

_I'll be your cryin' shoulder_  
I'll be love suicide  
I'll be better when I'm older  
I'll be the greatest fan of your life

_And I've dropped out, burned up, fought my way back from the dead  
Tuned in, turned on, remembered the thing you said_

_I'll be your cryin' shoulder_  
I'll be love suicide  
I'll be better when I'm older  
I'll be the greatest fan of your life’

He opened his eyes to see Steve smiling at him and turned his face a little so he could brush his lips with his own. “What?” He asked as he did so, swaying softly to the music, “Spit it out Rogers.”

 

Steve lifted his hand and lifted his hand, brushing some of those strands of hair back from his eyes. “Nothing it’s just.. you’re beautiful that’s all.”

 

“Is that it?” Bucky asked rolling his eyes again. “You tell me that all the time punk it’s not exactly a secret.”

 

“Yeah well..” He replied lips brushing his again. “I’m never gonna stop tell you that.” His hand slid around the back of Bucky’s neck and pulled him. “Or how much I love you.”

 

He was kissed again, thoroughly too. Sweet and beautiful and Bucky wrapped his arms around him, feeling the love and promise in it. And the knowledge that every day was going to be filled with that. That this was his life now, that he would be happy, and it would outweigh the moments when he still felt bad. By a lot.

 

And he would never stop tell him how much he loved him either. Never stop expressing, publicly, privately, it didn’t matter. He was no longer afraid to show it, to say it whenever he felt the need to. He wasn’t going to waste a moment by being afraid of that. Because it was nothing to be afraid or ashamed of.

 

“I love you too punk.” He said for the 1,000 time with the same feeling each time. “And you’re beautiful too.. always have been.” He smiled softly against his lips. “And don’t you ever forget it.”

 

And let himself completely enjoy the celebration. The dancing, the drunken toast by a barely coherent Sam and all the fun stuff that marked this new phase in his life. Bucky didn’t think he ever smiled or laughed as much as he did then. Surrounding by family and friends.

 

And in a moment to himself he felt the Soldier part of him take it in too. Imagined him smiling as well although all he had to was look in the mirror for that.  He felt complete now in every way. Didn’t have one bad thought for the rest of that party but thought later that the old adage was true.

 

That living well was the best revenge.

 

That he’d beaten them just by surviving and truly living his life. The one he was meant to have. _We deserve this.._ he’d heard the Winter Soldier say, so matter of factly in his head. _We always did._

 

And as he watched his friends, his new family enjoy themselves right alone with them he had to agree with that. Leaning back into Steve’s arms and taking it all in, right down to Arya in her pretty little harness/dress, being fed chicken fingers by Clint’s kids. It was all good. All of it

\--

 _Jesus fucking Christ.._ Steve thought as he drunk in the image in front of him. _He’s so goddamn beautiful and he’s all mine.._

The cabin was private, very much so. High up on the lake in the hills, it was fully stocked and roughly the size of a small house. There were no neighbors nearby and afforded a gorgeous very of Lake George from its front window, where Arya had taken up camp. Not that they could see this because they were in the bedroom where they were likely to remain for a while.

It was after all their wedding night and the sight in front of Steve was far more interesting than a picture window.

“Hang on big guy.” Bucky said with a teasing look in his eyes as he framed the picture with his camera. “Just getting a shot of my handsome hubby in the gorgeous place.”

Bucky was standing there wearing nothing but that long white shirt and his dog tags. And the bracelet and wedding ring of course but what a sight it was to see. That shirt just maddeningly long enough to cover him. His hair was still pulled back in that gorgeous contraption Wanda had put it in and as beautiful as it looked, Steve had every intention of messing it up completely. And getting rid of that shirt too. But Bucky was being a goddamn tease right now, insisting on making him wait a little longer while he took some pictures.

“I think you got enough pics Sergeant Barnes.” Steve said in low voice, stepping forward and putting his hand on the phone to lower it. “Don’t you think so.”

Bucky smirked and hooded his eyes. “I don’t know have I?”

“Yeah I think so.” Steve replied, putting the phone down on the table and snaking an arm around him, pulling the shirt up slightly. “Play times is over..”

“I don’t know about that.” Bucky retorted, his metal hand sliding over Steve’s stomach and deftly unbuttoning his pants. “I’d say it’s just beginning.” Those metal fingers snaked inside and found their target, wrapping around it expertly. “We do have all night after all..”

“Got longer than that.” Steve growled back, his hand gripping Bucky’s ass where his shirt pulled up. “We got this place for a week..” His lips trailed over Bucky’s. “And then we have the.. rest of our lives..”

He felt Bucky’s tongue move over his lips, those metal fingers stroking him as he did so. Steve got a firmer grip on his ass, squeezing it tight and then took his lips in a heated kiss. He felt Bucky’s other hand slide under his shirt and let his own free one grip the bun in his hair, feeling it come loose a little. He felt insatiable, hungry for him every way. Had been since he’d first seen him at the wedding. The whole time just wanting nothing more to get this moment and fully claim his as his in every way.

He was his husband now. Steve couldn’t believe they’d gotten to this point. From the first time he realized his feelings for him, so long ago, he’d never thought it was possible. Hell never thought that Bucky would not only reciprocate the feeling but that they would ever act on it. All these decades later, through so much pain and separation. Through so much mental anguish they were finally here.

“Feels like you’re ready to take me to bed punk.” Bucky purred against his lips, his metal fingers still doing their amazing work. “Let’s.. consummate this thing..”

Steve growled against his lips again and lifted him up, both hands getting handful of that gorgeous ass off his, feeling Bucky smiled against his lips and finally pull his hand away. He carried him to the bed, one they were going to get a lot use out of, and lightly dropped him on it. His shirt slid up showing every beautiful part of his lower body in a perfect display before he crawled in over him, looking down at him hungrily.

“You like you’re staring my dear husband.” Bucky purred to him, his finger hooking on the hem of Steve’s shirt.

“I am.” He replied, unbuttoning the buttons on Bucky’s shirt. “I’m famished.”

He saw Bucky’s beautiful blue eyes flutter and a soft moan escape just from seeing the look in his eyes. And the felt his own shirt get yanked over his head and then that dual sensation of flesh and metal skate over his chest reverently. He relished the sensation as he continued to slow unbutton that shirt until it was completely open. Then slid a hand under Bucky’s back to lift him and using his other hand to pull the shirt completely off and toss it aside and he was completely naked under him. His mouth just watered at how perfect he was.

“Far be it for me to let you starve then.” Bucky purred again, his eyes locked on Steve’s. “What kind of boo bear would I be then?”

Steve had full plans to ravish every part of his body tonight. To leave nothing untouched. And he did just that, putting his hands and mouth on every part of his body, sucking marks and leaving a few gentle bites. Bucky’s hands gripped his hair as he writhed under this assault, practically begging for some kind of release. Steve grinned, nuzzling Bucky’s inner thigh before nipping it playfully cause a throaty moan.

“Please..” Bucky moaned, his metal fingers flexing in Steve’s hair, leg practically around his neck. “Please.”

“I’m taking my time tonight sweetheart.” Steve cooed, nuzzling his thigh again. “I’m gonna cherish this.”

He looked up and saw Bucky’s flushed face, eyes lidded with just a tiny bit of iris showing. Teeth biting a luscious lower lip, chest heaving with desire. His hair coming undone under him beautifully. He committed it to memory, thinking he was definitely gonna make a personal drawing of this someday.

When he dove in and began pleasuring him with his fingers and tongue, Bucky made the most beautiful sounds, his heel digging into his back as he yanked on his hair. Pulling on him, begging his husband to do more, take him further and Steve obliged, never able to get enough of this. Enough of him.  His hands hooked around Bucky’s thighs and he feasted on him.

Once he’d made him cum deliciously, he released him and crawled up him, his hands sliding over his now sweat-soaked body, one of them reaching up and brushing his hair as he looked down at him. He could feel one of the lovely braids Wanda had put in his hair and smiling, thinking he would slowly undo those later, he rather liked them in their right now.

“Did I tell you how beautiful you looked today?” Steve asked, knowing he had several times actually, as he nuzzled Bucky’s neck and then sucked on it lightly.

“I don’t know.” Bucky breathed, his hands pulling on Steve’s undone pants, which were still on. “But you can tell me again if you want..”

Steve lifted his head and looked down into his eyes earnestly, letting his hands slide over his body again. “You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.” He whispered to him. “You’re perfect.”

He’d always been beautiful to him. It had changed over the years, from the soft, still somewhat innocent boy and young man, to a soul who’d seen too much. To a broken beauty that had touched him and owned his heart, to the once again whole but stronger person he was now. He’d been through so much and it showed in him now. The beauty of being broken and the strength it had taken to put it back together even stronger.

He nuzzled his face into the scar tissue on his shoulder, those marks that were painful to look but beautiful too. The marks of a survivor that he loved so much. He heard Bucky sigh softly and felt his hands on his head again, fingers digging into his hair as he lay there between his open legs, taking a breath.

“When you say it like that punk.” Bucky said in a still breathless voice. “I almost believe it.”

Steve smiled and nuzzled his shoulder a little more and then reached for the phone. He rose up and took a picture, and Bucky didn’t shy away or try to bat it off, he just looked into it like he was looking in Steve’s eyes. It was beautiful, intimate picture that no one else would ever see, it was just for him.  He showed it to him, letting him see it too.

“You better believe it.” He told him. “Because you are.”

He then took the phone away, seeing in silent and put it on the bed-stand. Then he took his lips in a deep, loving kiss to reiterate this point. He felt Bucky’s hands then slide down and finally remove those annoying pants. Kicking them off, Steve’s hands slid to Bucky’s hips and pulled them against his own.

“I love you..” He whispered as he kissed him. “I love you so much..”

He would never stop tell him that. Until his dying day he would tell him as often as he could. He made that vow to him and to himself. In that moment he finally slid in, feeling Bucky moan against his lips and his fingers dig into his back joyously as they finally sealed the deal.

“Oh I love you too punk..” Bucky gasped, his head falling back against the pillow. “Our Steve.”

Those words just spurred him further as always, bringing that sweet possessiveness in him again. “My Bucky..” Steve breathed as he rocked against him. “My Soldier..” He pulled his lips away and looked in his eyes, their heads touch. “My everything.”

He was and always would be. And he lost himself in it. A perfect culmination of the first day of the rest of their lives together.

\--

Bucky had felt the Soldier side of him ignite as well, feeling the experiences in that beautiful new way. He climaxed several times with such intensity he thought he was going to pass out. He just held on, eyes fluttering, body spasming in such a glorious fashion. Their first time making love after being married was out of this world for him on every level.

As he lay there, Steve face nuzzling his neck, he lifted his hand and looked at the ring, the gold and platinum inlays reflecting off the low candlelight and smiled to himself. They were finally here. It had finally happened, and they were joined in every way now. Physically, emotionally, spiritually and now legally too. Steve had been his best friend, his lover, his soulmate and now his husband and it was perfect to him. He still couldn’t believe it sometimes.

He saw Steve lift his head and smile at him, letting his fingers trace the braids that were still in his hair even now as he still lay between Bucky’s bent knees very comfortably. Neither one of them feeling any urge to move.

“What are you thinking about beautiful?” Steve asked softly, nuzzling his face. “Tell me.”

Bucky smiled, letting his fingers move over the back of Steve’s head. “That I can’t believe we’re here.” He said thoughtfully. “That we made it.” He smiled at him softly. “It’s a goddamn miracle.”

He was thinking that almost a year ago this time of year he’d been so despondent he’d cut his wrist. Thinking about that still hurt him a little, that he was ever that low, in that much pain that he actually believed death was the only way out. But it had really been the beginning for him. He’d finally started going to therapy and dealing with all of it. It had been hard year, but he’d gotten here. Back to this place again as a survivor no longer controlled by his demons.  He had learned to live with them instead.

He’d always have them he knew. He would always be a little bit broken. Too much had happened to him to ever be completely normal again, but he could be as close to it as possible. Laying here, freshly married and in the arms of the love of his life he knew it was possible now. He could have that life that they’d tried to take from him. It was right here.

“Yes it is.” Steve agreed, letting his hands rest on Bucky’s waist. “And I thank God for it every day.”

Bucky watched as the object of his eternal affection sat up and pulled him up with him. He ended up on his lap and was soon kissing him again just like that, with the covers pooled at their waist. He felt Steve’s hand in his hair, softly undoing the ties in his braids. Slowly pulling out the pins and ties and freeing his hair again just he said he would.

“Sorry it messed it up earlier.” He whispered to him as he pulled his lips away. “It looked nice.” He undid the braid on the other side and then seemed to run his fingers through it reverently. “But I love it like this more.”

The feeling of Steve’s fingers in his hair was something Bucky would never get tired of. He knew he’d never cut it short again because of this. He nuzzled his face again, sitting even more on his lap now. Knowing they weren’t done. They were celebrating after all.

“You’re forgiven punk.” He told him, sighing softly. “As always.”

He climbed onto him a little more, his legs straddling Steve’s and kissed him again, feeling his hair bunched in one of his hand to pull him deeper into it. The other hand slid over his back deliciously and Bucky smiled, wrapping his arms around Steve’s broad shoulders, leaning him back slightly. Feeling the urge for another go-round. And could feel Steve wanted it too. It was after all, technically their honeymoon.

“So how long we got this place for again?” He asked as Steve lips moved over his throat.

Steve nipped him softly, pulling his head back by his hair for better  access to his neck. “A week.” He breathed against his skin. “And we are fully stocked..”

“So we.. .don’t have to leave?” Bucky asked, his metal hand digging into Steve’s back. “For anything?”

“Nope.” Steve answered, his other hand kneading Bucky’s thigh in a way that was making his eyes flutter. “And no one will bother us jerk..” He bit down softly, causing a moan now. “And that’s good cause I’m not planning on letting you out of bed for a few days..”

Bucky actually whined a little at this thought. “So you’re gonna… hold me.. hostage?” He gasped, so turned on now he could barely think anymore.

“Yup..” Steve told him, a low growl in his voice, his arm tightening around him. “Cause you’re mine..”

He was, in every way possible. There was a time when belonging to anyone again was terrifying, but Steve was different and always would be. Instead of being hurt and controlled he was loved and protected. Allowed to be free when he wanted to be but taken care of when he needed it. Had loved him through everything, through the worst of his madness and had never wavered, even in the face of almost being killed in the process. Had made him stronger just by his love alone and because of this he would willingly give anything for him. His love, trust, control. Even his life if he had to. He’d done it before and he’d do it again in a heartbeat.

Steve Rogers had had him since the moment he met him and that would never change.

“I’ve always been yours punk.” He whispered, leaning against him more. “And I always will be.”

He heard Steve growl in that possessive way that had never ceased to turn him on. That way he’d looked since they’d first become lovers so long ago. That look that said _Mine._. and his hips were clutched and pulled onto him. Bucky moaned thickly as he felt him slide in, felt himself bent back onto the bed and claimed again by the only person who was allowed to have dominion over him.

He his hands slid up Bucky’s body, finding his arms, entwining their fingers beautifully together as they were pressed into the bed next to his head. Each of them able to feel the rings on each other’s fingers, which caused them to grasp them tighter.

“My.. beautiful.. Bucky..” Steve breathed against his neck, emphasizing each word with a delicious thrust of his hips. “My.. beautiful Soldier..” Lifting his head to look in into his eyes. “I… love… you.. so.. much..”

Bucky took in the words just like he took him in, feeling this in his body and soul, losing himself in the feeling of deep love and passion he never wanted to live without ever again.

It was beautifully urgent and possessive, their fingers flexing and re-entwining over and over again, whispering love and praise to each other once again in a celebration that would last for days. Hell the rest of their damn lives.

Bucky came beautifully a couple more times, his legs clamped around Steve’s hips, eyes rolling as it washed over him. “I love you..” He gasped as his lips were taken again, holding his body to his, in that beautiful headspace where all he felt was pure bliss.

And later as they finally fell asleep, tangled in each other’s arms blissfully, he thought this was perfect. More than he could’ve ever asked for after everything. That everything he’d gone through was worth it to just get here, lying happy and content in husband’s arms, feeling his hand in his hair. Nuzzling his face into Steve’s chest he fell into a deep restful sleep.

\--

As time went by Bucky got even better, and Steve loved watching this progress up close and personal. To see him shine and blossom into something so beautiful that sometimes he had a hard time looking at him. But he couldn’t stop. And never wanted to.

He had started classes to train as a counselor at the VA and the dedication Bucky was showing to this new phase of his life was intense. Aside from his therapy notebooks and his painting, he had homework that he took seriously. Very seriously, sometimes to Steve’s general amusement.

“Cut it out punk.” Bucky growled, jerking his foot away from Steve. “I gotta concentrate.”

Of course Steve was never swayed by Bucky’s protests, tickling and rubbing him in several places. “You gotta take a break once and a while jerk.” He’d tell him, nibbling on his neck and tickling his stomach. “You got all weekend to do homework.”

Bucky sighed dramatically. “Some things never change.” He grumbled, trying to swat him off. Steve chuckled against his neck and tickled his stomach again. “Cut it out Rogers or I swear to fucking God.”

“I’m not scared of you boo bear..” He chortled into his neck, nuzzling his hair away. “Do your worst.”

Bucky closed his book and flipped him quickly, pinning Steve into the bed and straddling him. He was feigning irritation, but Steve could clearly see the mirth in his eyes as well. It was cute game, once they’d gotten good at.

“I warned you punk.” He growled and attacked his tickle spots with both his hands, the metal ones particularly effective. “Now you’re gonna get it.”

They would wrestle around for a while, giggling and tickling until it would turn serious and the clothes came off. They had developed such wonderfully fun foreplay and it never got old.  Their clothes and Bucky’s books thumping on the floor as they participated in their favorite pastime.

He found himself back working with the Avengers but in a tactical advisory capacity that didn’t involve field work. He also trained the new recruits, finding teaching was something he rather enjoyed. Bucky had told him he was a natural at it and had enthusiastically encourage it.

He’d also seen more counseling for himself, dealing with the fallout for himself from Bucky’s long recovery and their communication opened up even more as a result. Bucky insisted on being more proactive in most things and that meant not only sharing their feelings but responsibilities as well. Every responsibility. Some of which involved caretaking of the other.

When the holidays came around Bucky had once again volunteered to serve dinner to the homeless vets at the VA along with Sam and Steve himself had helped out too. It was satisfying to give back and just see the joy on the faces of those who were less fortunate. They’d even roped in Wanda and a few others and to them it was a great way to spend that holiday.

December was difficult for Bucky, especially around the 16th on which he had a particularly bad day. Electing to stay in bed under the covers. Steve knew the memory of that day was close and would always hurt him, so he rode it out because he knew even now Bucky would have days like this. But that they would pass. The best he could do was love him through them and he did.

Christmas saw another volunteer night at the VA and their first celebration of the holiday with Arya and as a married couple and Steve took a shit ton of pictures on Christmas morning before they elected to spend the rest of the day in bed like the year before.

“I think we should make a tradition of this punk.” Bucky said breathlessly, his leg hooded around Steve’s waist. “Can’t think of a better way to celebrate..”

Steve, with his face buried in Bucky’s chest and his hands on his hips couldn’t agree more. “Sure..” He breathed as he sucked a mark into his hip, eliciting a moan. “Traditions are important after all..”

“Yes..” Bucky moaned, gripping Steve’s hair in affirmation. “They sure are.”

January in general was rough on Bucky physically he knew, his aches and pains more prominent in the harsh cold. And he knew it reminded him of Siberia sometimes. The way he would curl against him under the blanket, seeking warmth. Steve would wrap him up tightly until his shivers went away and he relaxed into sleep. Bucky never complained in his waking hours and Steve never asked, just would silently massage his aching body even as he studied or painted. He just took care of him. They took care of each other.

February rolled into March and Bucky’s birthday came along, with mixed feelings per usual. It had been the anniversary of his escape and near death but as painful as that was, Bucky reiterated that it was a good day too. It was another year he’d lived through. And he valued that life now more than ever.

One of the presents he’d gotten had been from Wanda and it was something that was nice and practical for Bucky but also had a pleasing aesthetic for Steve as well. A new leather jacket that fit him perfectly and quickly became one of his favorites. It was dark brown, almost black it was a beautiful sight to see him in it.

Steve remembered a walk they’d taken in the park and Bucky taking a short break by a stone wall. Sitting down wearing that jacket and a black t-shirt under it, his hair untied, hand on his open, jean clad legs. Looking beautiful and aired out. So content at that moment. He remembered just being entranced and taking a picture, seeing Bucky’s amused half smile as he watched him do it.

“Don’t you got enough pictures of me?” He asked as Steve sat down next to him to examine the photo. “I’m surprised you still got room on your phone.”

“Well I can’t help it if my husband is beautiful.” Steve replied and showed him the picture. “I mean just look at him..”

He remembered the way Bucky grinned at that, shaking his head at the same time as if in disbelief. “You’re the sappiest cornball on the block Rogers.” He mused, turning his head to look at him. “But I see your point.”

Steve chuckled at this and then turned, putting his hand on Bucky’s face to pull him to him and kiss him right there in the park. Using his other hand, he snapped a picture of that too for the hell of it. He could never take enough pictures. And this one became another favorite of his. He heard Bucky chuckle again his lips but not pull away. Even going so far as to wrap his metal hand around the back of Steve’s neck, smiling into it.

Springtime came along and early May brought the anniversary of Arya being brought home. Of the completion of their little family and it was designated her birthday since they weren’t sure exactly when it actually was. The little cat, who had come from an abusive home into a loving one, had thrived just as much as Bucky had. Growing stronger herself. She would always be a small thing, but she was a fierce one. A fighter just like both her Daddies and they could not imagine life without their feisty little princess.

There was a day in June in which Steve sat back and took some stock of things, standing in the doorway of their art room, watching Bucky paint. He loved watching him do that, and sometimes he liked sketching him doing it as well, because the sight of him sitting there, creating something out of his mind was glorious.

His hair was tied back, and he wore a vintage t-shirt of a rock band and worn out pair of jeans. His fingers once again covered in paint and a few streaks of it on the side of his face from when he’d absently push back an errant strand of hair from his face. So lost in it he’d forget pretty much everything. 

There was music playing through one of their many speakers, ranging from old 40’s music on the player to modern music, Bucky discovering a lot of what he’d missed over the years.

He thought about how Bucky had sometimes been reluctant to put his paintings on the wall, because some of them weren’t always pretty or of happy things. Steve had put his hands on his shoulders and looked in his eyes steadily.

“I want them up there.” He told him softly. “Because each one of them comes from you.” He motioned to some of them. “And I love all of them.”

Bucky looked around the room. “Even if some of them aren’t…. pretty?”

“Especially if they’re not.” He told him, letting his hand rest on his face. “It’s all part of it Buck. It’s all part of your healing process.” He kissed his head softly. “I love all or you Buck. For better or worse remember?”

He saw Bucky smile and sigh, his hands resting on Steve’s arms. “Yeah.” He agreed. “You’re right.” He chuckled a little. “This time at least.”

And now he was watching him now, create something new to add to his wall of recovery. Along with the steadily increasing stuffed animals on the shelf as well. Like Bucky he loved this room, which all its memories. Some good, some not so good, but all them a part of their lives for better or worse. Their past, present and future.

Steve saw Bucky finally pull himself away from his painting and see Steve, smiling a bright smile that he never wanted to see fade from him again. Hydra had nearly taken that light from him, but he’d held onto it somehow and survived because of it. Because of his strength. And here he was, with a cat between his feet and a brush in his hand, looking beautiful and healthy again.

“Hey punk.” He said, putting his brush down. “How long you been here?”

“Long enough.” Steve replied, folding his arms together as he stood in the doorway. “Didn’t want to bother you.”

Bucky laughed softly, wiping his hands on his jeans and stood up, walking over to where Steve was. “You’re not bothering me.” He said as he slid his arms around Steve’s waist. “At least not this time.”

Resting his hand on the side of Bucky’s head he looked into those teal blue eyes that he would never get tired of staring at. Letting his fingers twist a little into his hair a little as he did. “Good.” He whispered, nuzzling face against Bucky’s. “I like watching you paint.” He told him, his other arm pulling him closer. “Actually I just like watching you in general.”

“Oh yeah.” Bucky asked, his lips brushing over Steve’s. “What’s so fascinating about me?”

“Everything.” Steve whispered to him. “There’s nothing about you I don’t love.”

He saw Bucky bite his lip, a shadow crossing over his face for a moment. “I’m never gonna be perfect Steve.” He said quietly, his fingers flexing in his shirt. “Sometimes I’m gonna be real hard to deal with.”

“I know that.” Steve said in response, leaning his forehead against Bucky’s. “But that’s the part I’m wiling to deal with because I love you that much.” He turned his face so his lips were right against Bucky’s. “You’ll always be worth it to me.”

Their lips met and Steve dug his fingers more into that beautiful brown hair, bunching it his fingers, pulling him closer to him. He felt Buck’s arms wrap around his back more, hands, one metal and one flesh, pressing into his shoulders, holding him close. Felt the cat walking between their legs as the afternoon sun came in through the large picture window.

“I love you punk.” He heard him whisper against his lips. “I really do.”

“The feeling is mutual jerk.” Steve replied, pulling their lips apart and leaning his head against his. “Don’t you ever forget it.”

He would tell him every day for the rest of his life. Vowed that he would never go a day in doubt of it or of his own worth. To let him know that even if he didn’t believe in himself that someone did. After all Bucky had done it for him first. Had loved him before anyone else had and that love had powered him too.

He stood there for a while, his whole world in his arms and just took a deep breath, truly taking it in.

His home. His life. Everything he’d always wanted. And it may not have been perfect, just perfectly imperfect. And that was just fine for Steve.

\--

One their anniversary, they’d come full circle. Back at Lake George again. Bucky had told Steve he wanted to come here every year in the fall. It was beautiful and peaceful and held memories, both good and bad, all of them steps along the way.

So here they were, sitting on a hill overlooking the lake, Bucky leaning back into Steve’s arms, Arya attached to her harness, chasing the remaining bugs in her cute little way.

He was thinking about it. All of it. Lost in thought over the events of the last couple of years.

He had gotten better, a little at a time. Learning and growing. Doing the things he needed to do to serve that purpose. He was going to school now, training to be a counselor and he was just about there, one more semester of training. It felt like an accomplishment. To learn a skill that didn’t involve hurting people. Helping them instead by using his own experiences as tools. It may have a brutal teacher, but he had learned and survived the lesson and now could pass it along to others.

During this time, he’d been informed that the research done on his brain and the testing of his blood had yielded a promising component that was in the early testing stages, that might help reverse degenerative brain diseases and treat trauma. It was another way he was starting to help people and maybe make up for the damage done and also in some ways make it worth it to have gone through it all.

He still saw Amelia every month, still working though it all, and still needed his medication for the occasional anxiety that he still fought with along with the PTSD that would probably always be a part of his life. Causing nightmares and bad days that kept him in bed and made him low for a while. But it didn’t control his life anymore. They were just bad days and they passed like any other.

Painting was still a huge part of his life and his continue recovery, and even though the subject wasn’t always happy he’d come to understand that that was part of it too. That each one was representative of a stage in his long-term healing. So he embraced the occasional madness of his art in order to keep the sanity in his head and it worked perfectly.

And that was hard work too sometimes. Life wasn’t perfect. It never would be. Not for him.

Sometimes it was messy, causing fights and disorder but they worked through all of it. Never forgetting for a moment that they loved each other no matter how difficult things got.

Bucky was happy to let every day to be an adventure now. Because it was all a beautiful gift he wasn’t sure he deserved sometimes.

And Lake George wasn’t going to be their only regular thing. They were planning to go Mystic every year to celebrate Steve’s birthday and the first anniversary of that tradition had resulted in a very tipsy night that saw Bucky literally fall off the bed at one point in a hysterical fit of laughter at the corniest joke Steve had ever told.

“Oh my God Buck.” Steve had said, stifling his giggles long enough to check on Bucky. “Are you okay7.”

Bucky was laughing so hard his stomach hurt, tears squeezing out of his eyes, having now idea why he’d found Steve’s ridiculous joke so funny. He was literally wheezing when Steve lifted him up off the wooden floor of the hotel room.

“I’m fine..” He gasped, looking up Steve. “Never been better.”

Looking back on it he thought maybe it was just because he was there at all, he was alive and had Steve now as his lawfully wedded husband. That he was happy, deliriously so. And had maybe drank enough wine to be really buzzed, whatever the case it was one of the biggest belly laughs he’d had. If you didn’t count his reactions to Steve’s increasingly ridiculous Christmas sweaters.

“You need some air?” Steve asked him, smiling broadly now.

“Naw..” Bucky had replied and grabbed his face. “That’s not what I need.”

He had kissed him then, not caring that he couldn’t breath, not caring about anything at all but the moment he was in, and this was an increasing feeling that in himself daily.

Enjoying the simple pleasures of Steve standing outside with cut-off sleeves, sunglasses and nice fitting pair of jeans. Tanned and beautiful, with a lovely scruff coming in as they took a boat ride. Unable to take his eyes off him to look at the sights.

“Buck you gotta look at this.” Steve would say, pointing at the bridge in front of them. “Isn’t that fantastic?”

Bucky would smile, wrap his arms around him behind and nuzzle his face into his neck. “Yeah it is.” He’d say, not really talking about the bridge at all. Just taking in the moment because it was with Steve. “It is.”

In the fall, he continued his courses, continued to move forward. Settling into the life he wanted, that perfectly imperfect one. Or has he liked to call it, functionally dysfunctional. Because he still felt the presence of the Winter Soldier, who had blended with him so efficiently now that he was always there, keeping him sensible and practical. Reminding him that he was safe when he forgot, that he didn’t need to fear the pain he still felt sometimes. His voice in his head becoming another guiding force.

As he sat there, taking in the view he was reminded that he had come so far from the day he’d walked away from Hydra and began his journey to freedom. That it had taken years to make this trip to this place and this time. From sitting on the floor with a bleeding wrist, feeling hopeless to finally having hope for the future. From feeling broken and crazy to feeling whole and somewhat sane.

From being alone and lost to having a family and a place to call home.

It was good feeling. And he still had work to do he knew. But he had friends that loved him. He had Steve and Arya and home. A encircling wave of love that was a far cry from the lonely horror he’d known for so long. He had support and a safe place now. He had love. And as long as he had these things, none of that pain would consume him again.

“So beautiful.” Steve asked, holding him a little tighter from behind. “What’s going on in that head of yours?”

Bucky smiled, laying his head against Steve’s shoulder. “I was thinking how much I love this place.” He entwined his fingers with Steve’s across his stomach. “It’s nice here.”

“Yeah it is.” Steve agreed, nuzzling his shoulder softly. “Is that all?”

He turned his head to look at Steve, seeing those calm, sky-blue eyes study him. Leveling him like always. “I was thinking that I’m happy.” He confessed, rubbing his nose against Steve’s. “I’m really happy.”

He felt Steve’s hand on his face, saw his own hair blowing around the fingers in the crisp autumn air. “Good.” He said, pulling his face closer. “You deserve to be happy.”

In that moment he felt the belief in himself, however fleeting it might’ve been, that maybe he did. He knew he would have doubts sometimes. Would wonder why he was given this chance but knew he would have to remember this feeling then. Knew he could look into the eyes of the love his life and see that he did, in fact to deserve it.

“You know what punk?” He said, giving him a crooked smile. “I think you might be right for once.”

Steve rolled his eyes and pulled his lips to his. “You’re such a jerk.” He whispered against his lips. “But I love you.”

Bucky smiled into the kiss, turning around a little more to do it right. Feeling the lingering warmth of the setting sun behind him and let himself be kissed on that hill, Arya’s leash still wrapped around his wrist. The little cat oblivious to it as she continued to chase bugs and maybe eat a few. Bucky let himself live in the moment before flashing on the moment in the alley again.  So long ago.  In another lifetime.

_“Where are we going?” Steve asked, beautiful in his eyes even then._

_“To the future.” Bucky had answered, so innocent of what that meant._

This was future. The one they had no idea they were heading for. Full of twist and turns and dark times. A long journey that brought them to this moment. To their life.

“I love you too punk.” Bucky whispered to Steve as he was pulled down into the grass by the love of his life, kissing softly as the sun set behind them. “We made it..”

**The End (for now)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay there it was. The last one. I happy and sad at the same time but I really liked the way I ended and am proud that I finished a fanfci. 
> 
> So what did you think of the wedding, I hope you enjoyed it, figured I'd just show you the good parts. Wanda's doing of Bucky's h hair, was to to me a touch. I did like the few times when Bucky's hair was done like this in IW and EG and I thought it was perfect along with his outfit. 
> 
> Arya as the flower kitty was an idea from a reader and I just thought it was such a damn cute idea so why not right? Or course she was going to be a part of the wedding, I would never leave that little furball out. 
> 
> I like the idea of going back to the lake, sort of coming fully circle and the idea that they will go there every anniversary because tradition and routine is important to them both, especially Bucky, who does need stability as he continues to get better. That and going to Mystic for Steve's birthday from now on are some of my favorite ideas. 
> 
> I wanted to continue to reiterate that Bucky will never be 100 percent normal, that would impossible and that their life will always be somewhat of an adventure. But his illness, thought maybe somewhat permenant won't control him anymore. He will continue to learn and grow, and use his experiences to help others now and I love that idea a lot. 
> 
> I mentioned in the last chapters notes that I do have announcement of sort. And that is that even though this is the end of this fic, it may not be the end of the story. I've taken to the characters I created and you might see some one-shots or mini-fics in the particular storyline, with the same characters and histories. And certainly may some other things, but there are some aspects of this story that still need to be told so kept an eye out for related works. Because I will continue writing, I'm just taking a break for a little while :)
> 
> and btw the son used was "I'll Be" by Edwin McCain which is such a Stucky song it's not even funny, give it a listen :)
> 
> Once again thank you all for the beautiful comments and support and I very love and appreciate all of you and I will be back soon. I'm not done <3<3

**Author's Note:**

> The issues that Bucky has will slowly get revealed over the course of this, he’s a tough nut to crack sometimes and is doing a hell of a lot to avoid the subjects in general. And sometimes he dosen’t know why he does things because his memory is, what it is, fragmented and distorted to a degree. Which will also in turn, make him a bit erratic at times with his behavior. People in trauma don’t always act rational so just a warning there, this is relatively mild compared to later on.
> 
> I’m also noting that just because someone has sexual relations with someone dosen’t change certain trust issues. Sex in of of itself is a biological act, just because you have trauma dosen’t mean your incapable of it, it means you have issues with the more intimate and emotional aspects of it. Which is why the sleeping in the same bed thing was a HUGE piece of progress for him here. 
> 
> Next chapter will come relatively soon, I just have to edit it a bit, these should come pretty regularly because I have several rough drafts already written. Next chapter will feature some flashbacks and rough memories I will place a few warnings at the behinning like I said.


End file.
